(The following is a work of fan fiction based on My Little Pony:Friendship Is Magic. I am not affiliated with Hasbro and company. This work is intended to be a work of parody that complies with fair use guidelines.)
Blueblood Returns
By Geldon
Six fillies from Ponyville beat a hasty retreat past Princess Celestia, signaling the end of the Grand Galloping Gala. So much had went wrong so quickly that dozens of attending pony nobility were still in a state of panic, running to and fro, screaming, falling over shattered columns, slipping on cake remnants, and the animals: everywhere. Birds landing in their manes, vermin jumping into their clothes, bunnies under hoof, and all living creatures whether animal or pony were fleeing from a recent memory of a terrible shouting yellow demon. Princess Celestia waded into the chaos, attempting to bring about a sense of reassurance, like the sun peeking through a raging thunderstorm.
Next to a huge stone podium that, not two minutes ago, once contained a graceful alicorn statue (now shattered on the ballroom floor like so many sophisticates' dreams of a delightful evening) lay a fine and princely unicorn stallion of alabaster coat and blonde mane. Humiliated, four legs sprawled in the air, and covered in cake shaken upon him by a ravishing unicorn mare that had done the unthinkable. As he righted himself on four hooves again, the words she spoke to him before storming out echoed through his head, "You, sir, are the most un-charming prince I have ever met! In fact, the only thing royal about you is that you are a royal pain!"
Prince Blueblood, infinitely removed nephew of Princess Celestia herself, most eligible bachelor in Equestria, had just been dumped. What's more, it had been publicly, during the grandest event of the year, and in such a way as to call into question his unmistakably chivalrous nature! Even now, as Celestia's efforts slowly restored the room to order, he was attracting sideways glances from some of the attendees who had returned to their senses. Accusatory glances.
The prince's eyes narrowed and his jaw set with conviction. He stomped a front-most hoof derisively. This simply will not do.
Rarity cried out, "This simply will not do!" It had been two weeks since the radiant unicorn with purple styled mane had fled the gala, a happening she had invested considerable effort towards putting completely out of her mind. Now, she was fussing about, horn aglow, as she trotted about the lavish interior of the Carousel Boutique, her home and place of business. Levitating about her were various pony mannequins, scraps of cloth, jewels, measuring tapes, and other familiar trappings of her dressmaking trade. As she worked, she chided herself in her usual grandiose manner, "Too short, too long, too bright, too dark, too colorful, too bland, too shiny, too dull... ah, perfect! PINCUSHION!"
Spike, the purple baby dragon, materialized next to Rarity in a blur, bent over with ornate fashion pins emerging harmlessly out of the thick scales of his back, staring at her in his usual stupor of affection. Rarity hardly noticed him as her magics yanked a couple pins from his spines and deftly affixed a golden cloth in position on a nearby mannequin. She turned and passed Spike on the way to her drawing board, accidentally trampling his tail, causing Spike to wince but otherwise not disturbing his dreamy expression.
Rarity's inner dialogue continued vocalizing itself, "I simply must master this new look! It will surely require a little bit of this", her eyes turned to a design of a fluffy spring dress with elaborate tresses, "and a bit of that", a design involving copious amounts of lace to create a gossamer effect, "and not to mention-", her eyes turned to a dustbin next to her work station. The odor of the contents had become so pronounced it was producing a visible stink cloud.
Everything being levitated clattered to the floor as Rarity had one of her trademark bouts of hysteria, "Eew! dirty! filthy! Why was this allowed to accumulate here in my glorious boutique?!" Throwing her nose up and away from the dustbin in disdain, she shouted commandingly, "GARBAGE!"
Spike dashed in to grab the dustbin, slightly larger than himself, and awkwardly made his way to the main bin just outside of the boutique. Unbalanced by his cumbersome load and not entirely able to see where he was going, he tripped and fell, bouncing upwards off his cargo before falling again, dustbin and all, into the larger container and the already formidable amount of filth within. It looked rather painful.
Rarity was standing in the doorway of the boutique, not wanting to step into the light drizzle falling outside, but wanting reassurance that certain offending materials were not going to assault her senses again unexpectedly. She was now looking with wide eyes and wrinkled nose at the baby dragon as he painstakingly crawled out of the main bin, and shied away from him as he skipped up to her.
Spike, enjoying her attention for once, gave a little salute and said brightly, "Task complete, milady."
Rarity bent close - but not too close - to Spike and said one word, quietly, but unmistakably firmly: "Bath."
Spike snapped another quick salute and fled in the direction of the library he lived.
Rarity was about to turn back to her work when she noticed something out of the corner of her eye. Just at the edge of Ponyville was an unusual sight for the humble town: a covered wagon pulled by two Equestrian royal guardsmen. It was truly elegant, larger than usual, white, regal, one might even call this wagon princely... and it was moving directly towards her. Slowly dawning horror spread across her face, "Oh no."
"Oh no, Spike, not again," chided Twilight Sparkle, a purple unicorn whose straight dark blue mane had a magenta stripe through it - an unmistakable feature of being exceptionally touched in magic.
"I can't help it, Twilight," said Spike from the bubble bath as he worked over his scales with a fine scouring brush, "I just want to be around her, you know?"
Twilight sighed as she levitated a sponge in Spike's direction, "I know, Casanova, but you're supposed to be my number one assistant, remember? Besides, you really don't have a-"
"Yeah, yeah," interrupted Spike, lapsing into his best Twilight Sparkle impression, "'you really don't have a chance with Rarity, Spike, trust me, she's my friend, I know her,'" he resumed his normal mode of speak glibly, "but I still kinda feel like I should at least try."
Twilight turned away and rolled her eyes surreptitiously.
Not quite surreptitiously enough. "Oh," said Spike with an accusatory stare, "and I suppose you're an expert in romance now?"
The unicorn did a little jump and gaped at him, "No! I never - I mean, I might have read a few books, but, erm-" She blushed.
The baby dragon crossed his arms smugly, "Don't be preaching about what you can't practice, sister." He then reached for a back brush.
Twilight Sparkle made a face, "Ugh!" She was often amazed at just how good a baby dragon was at making her feel exasperated. One of these days, she thought to herself, she's would have to work up the nerve to explain to Spike some of the finer differences between dragons and ponies. For now, an alternate approach will do.
"Listen, Spike," she said seriously, "I think you're going about this the wrong way. Don't get me wrong, Rarity's a great friend and very generous, but she has this high opinion of herself. All these favors you're doing for her are going to be completely ignored!"
Spike paused in mid-scrub for a moment. Then he looked up at Twilight Sparkle with big eyes and asked plaintively, "What else am I supposed to do?"
Twilight Sparkle was momentarily taken aback. It was a good question. What was he supposed to do? "Be yourself," was what she wanted to say, but even Spike could see that would be unlikely to work. Well, it would have to do. Twilight Sparkle opened her mouth to speak-
There was a crash from the library. Twilight Sparkle and Spike looked and saw Rarity standing just inside the front door, significantly diminished with her usually elegant mane somehow soaked from the morning sprinkle, shaking visibly from damp and fear. "Twilight!" she shouted, "HIDE ME!"
Spike dove beneath the suds of his bubble bath, "Hide me, Twilight!"
Twilight gave him a little look, "Spike? You're always like that."
Spike blinked, "Oh, yeah." He nonchalantly jumped out of the tub and began to dry himself off on a towel.
Twilight cantered over to her shivering friend at the doorway, "Rarity, you look terrified! What's the matter?"
But Rarity was again in hysterics, "Oh no, this is just terrible! Terrible, I say! Do you have a closet I could hide in? Not just any closet, mind you, it should be relatively spacious and not smell of mothballs: a lady has standards, you know. And look at me! I'm drenched! I haven't a thing to wear! I absolutely must look my very best when confronting HIM."
Twilight Sparkle stopped Rarity there, placing a hoof on her shoulders and hoping to pierce her panic by staring into her eyes, "Him? Who's him?"
Rarity sat down on her haunches, eyes fairly vibrating with withheld tears, bit her lip nervously for a moment, and then attempted to speak, "Bubbl! Bubbld! Blubblbl!" She broke down crying, splaying her forelegs out before herself in an entreating fashion, "BLUEBLOOD! Prince Blueblood is back for me!"
A freshly-dried Spike ran up, "Blueblood? You mean that jerk that treated you so badly at the gala?"
Rarity snapped out of her apparent hysterics instantly, sat up demurely, and spoke in her typical ladylike fashion, "Oh, no, no, no, Spike! Don't call Prince Blueblood a," she spoke the word like it didn't belong on her lips, "jerk! He's royalty!" She finished sidelong in a scandalous mutter, "Even if he is the most un-princely prince ever to bear the title."
A familiar white covered wagon pulled up outside the door to the library.
Twilight spoke quickly, gesturing towards the landing above the library where her bedroom was, "Quick, Rarity, run up there! If you stay close to the floor he shouldn't be able to see you. I'll try to send him away." Exhibiting decidedly unladylike haste, Rarity wasted no time in following Twilight's advice.
She was nearly too late. Stepping inside of the library, flanked by two imposing Equestrial guardsmen, was indeed the stately unicorn stallion, Prince Blueblood. Twilight Sparkle and Spike stood there nervously as the procession trotted up to them and stopped.
There was a pregnant silence. Prince Blueblood looked at Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle smiled sheepishly. Prince Blueblood stared harder. Twilight Sparkle quailed and looked at Spike. Prince Blueblood stared at Spike. Spike glared right back at Prince Blueblood. The two guards felt a bit left out, shrugged, and looked at each other.
At last, Prince Blueblood spoke, "Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's protege, I presume?"
"Yes?" Twilight ventured.
Prince Blueblood haughtily stated a commandment, "I, Prince Blueblood, am here to see Miss Rarity."
Twilight shuffled uncomfortably, "Uh... what makes you think she's here?"
Without a word, Prince Blueblood gestured with his horn to one of his Guardsman, who trotted back to the wagon to retrieve something from it before dropping it in front of Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight nosed the item, looking over it curiously, "A bag of shattered glass?"
Prince Blueblood harrumphed and gestured to the other guard, who spoke, "Miss Sparkle, this was formerly a glass slipper worn by Miss Rarity. It has since been enchanted to lead us back to its owner."
There was an imperceptible, "Eep" from the landing above as Rarity overheard and realized the hopelessness of her predicament.
Spike was done glaring. He raised a claw and demanded threateningly, "What do you want with Rarity?"
The guards pulled up menacingly next to Prince Blueblood and, under the stern eyes of three full-grown stallions, the baby dragon balked with a squeak and quickly ran behind Twilight Sparkle, peering shyly out from behind her ankle.
Feeling quite alone, Twilight Sparkle once again bore her sheepish grin as a poor defense against these three extremely imposing figures. Her eyes darted side to side looking for escape, but there was none.
Prince Blueblood stepped forward. "What I want...", he said breathily, menacingly...
...another step forward, "with Miss Rarity..." His eyes fairly glowed with malice.
Another step, and Prince Blueblood was now looming over the shivering Twilight Sparkle and Spike.
"...is to apologize," finished the prince in demure humility.
"Apologize?!" Twilight Sparkle and Spike exclaimed in unison as they released the death grip in which they had been fearfully holding each other.
"Yes," said the prince, dramatically rearing back with a tragic expression. A guard caught him before he hit the floor, supporting the pathetic figure. "I realized after Miss Rarity had left that what she told me was true! The rose, the door, her cloak, her friend's common country fare, and the cake - oh, dear Celestia, the cake! I have been the most un-princely of princes! Little more than", the prince's lip quibbled just a bit, "a royal pain!"
The prince rolled off the guardsman's flank and fell forward facing the door, collapsing into hysterics, covering his tears with his hooves, "If only... if only she could give me another chance!" His two guards comforted him with, "there, there" expressions.
Spike crossed his arms and rolled his eyes, "Oh, brother."
"PSST! Twilight!" Twilight Sparkle heard a sharp whisper being loudly projected to her from the landing above. The prince and his guards either did not hear it or they were doing a good job pretending so.
"Can you excuse me for a moment, sirs?" asked Twilight. The prince waved her away with one hoof, still busy bawling his princely eyes out. Spike stayed where he was, lavishing the visitors with a look of zero sympathy as hard as his little dragon being could.
Climbing the stairs to Rarity's hiding place, Twilight Sparkle had an inkling what was about to happen, and she didn't particularly like it. Sure enough, Rarity was looking wistfully in the direction of the impromptu royal equine waterworks display.
Twilight Sparkle was serious, "Rarity, you don't buy this for a moment, do you?"
"Twilight, darling," said Rarity, gesturing as well as she could for a mare prone on the floor, "I know that it seems unlikely, but... " Rarity's voice was giddy, her eyes had stars in them, "this changes everything, it's like the beginning of the Gala all over again... no, even better! He's turned over a new leaf! A prince, Twilight, a prince! And that would make me," Rarity barely suppressed an excited scream, "a princess! Oh, Twilight, I do want to give Prince Blueblood another chance."
Twilight facehoofed: Rarity was undoubtedly the spirit of generosity. "Listen Rarity, I wouldn't be a good friend if I let you do this alone. I insist you at least bring a chaperone."
"Yes, yes, fine, dear," Rarity was hardly paying attention, "oh, but now is not the right time - Twilight, he can't see me like this! He can't. He Can't. HE CAN'T!" Rarity bit her lip to stop herself from exposing her position and thought for a moment. Suddenly, her face brightened, "Oh, I have just the thing!" Rarity beckoned Twilight closer, cupped a hoof, and started to whisper in the ear of an increasingly shocked purple unicorn.
As Twilight climbed down the stairs to revisit the prince, she felt several years older for having to deliver the message she was asked to: it's one thing to bear bad news, it's quite another to be forced to do what one feels is certain to bring about terrible misfortune. As she rejoined her guests, she noticed that the prince had recovered from his apparent bout of grief and sat misty-eyed with a pensive but regal expression.
Twilight began in her usual lecturing voice, "Prince Blueblood, Miss Rarity has consented to give you another chance-"
Spike was incredulous,"WHAT?!"
The prince ignored Spike, "Oh, excellent! Where is she? I want to see her!"
Twilight Sparkle waved down his enthusiasm, "Rarity" she corrected herself, lapsing into the kind of practiced royal speech Princess Celestia often had her do for official functions, "MISS Rarity proposes meeting her tomorrow morning at her boutique for a full day of a trial courtship. The pegasus ponies promise clear skies over Ponyville, and giving her the rest of today would give her adequate time to prepare for a series of proposed events."
The prince looked intrigued, "Tomorrow sounds marvelous, but what of these events?"
Twilight suppressed an inner groan, what she was about to say sounded like something out of a fairy tale book, which was probably exactly why the idea appealed to Rarity. She droned on in resigned monotone, "She would like to put you through five trials in order to prove your chivalry, each a courtship exercise supervised by one of her friends."
Prince Blueblood hesitated only for a moment before responding eagerly, "Yes, that sounds excellent! Excellent!" He clapped his fore-hooves together like a school colt receiving his favorite present. "Doesn't that sound excellent, guardsmen?" The guards agreed in a manner only paid yesponies could.
Rarity's message delivered, their fate was sealed, and Twilight resigned herself to the inevitable. The reluctant unicorn and her surly dragon not-so-gently showed the elated prince and his two guards out.
As the prince hopped happily back into his wagon and the two guardsmen hitched themselves up to it, Twilight Sparkle looked up at the cloudy sky. It was late morning when Rarity had fled her boutique, and now it was early afternoon. Rarity cautiously peered around the door frame at the retreating wagon and then turned to smile at Twilight Sparkle: they had a lot to do before tomorrow morning. She cantered happily in the direction of her boutique, the rain seemingly unable to touch her through her aura of self-contentment.
Twilight Sparkle watched her go and frowned, "I don't like this, Spike, the prince agreed too easily. I think he's up to something.
Spike expressed sarcastic agreement, "Yeah, either that, or he's a complete fop."
A look passed between them: neither possibility boded well for Rarity.
Meanwhile, Prince Blueblood sat in his royal carriage, glad that they were underway. There would likely be Ponyvillian lodgings tonight - not truly up to snuff of accommodating the royal person, of course, but he was still smiling. Things were going even better than he planned.
"Oh, girls, this is going so, so much better than what I planned," enthused Rarity. The faithful morning had come, a beautiful sunny day, but what excited her the most was what she saw outside the window of her boutique. Ponyville, a charmingly humble if rustic town, had quadrupled in population overnight. The streets and skies were swarming with tourists, photographers, and not a few famous faces. Many eyes were fixated on Rarity's humble boutique, and she reveled in it.
Rarity turned to face her friends, luxuriously styled mane and dress flowing about her. She was once again wearing her gala dress, cleaned and pressed, but with a few modifications of lace and coloration. Just because it turned out to be the perfect outfit to attract Prince Blueblood's attention did not mean it was above improvement the eyes of a skilled dressmaker.
Among others, in attendance of Miss Rarity was again a fuming Spike and a concerned Twilight Sparkle who said, "Rarity, it's not natural everypony would have shown up like this, Prince Blueblood must have planned it!"
Rarity marveled in a thought of inner fantasy, "But of course he did, darling! That's what makes it so very wonderful!"
"Iffin ya ask me, sugar cube, I think this here Blueblood feller is a'takin' ya for a ride," drawled a tawny-colored earth pony with blonde mane in a pigtail, wearing her signature brown ten gallon hat.
Rarity gave a demure little laugh, "Oh, please, Applejack, I did promise to give Prince Blueblood a chance."
Applejack was silent, she reckoned she didn't want to be known as a low-down neigh-sayer, and besides she did give her word which she always kept, but nonetheless gave Rarity the same look she used to subdue unruly livestock.
An energetic pegasus with a robin's egg blue coat and wild rainbow mane brashly flew immediately up to Rarity, gesturing widely, "We know, Rarity! We're did agree to do this girly frou frou stuff, but we're your friends, and worried about you!"
Rarity waved her away, "Of all of you, I expected you to be the least susceptible to idle worry, Rainbow Dash. Besides, one of you will be with me at all times."
"Two of us, " said Spike, gesturing to himself, "don't forget that I'll be there!"
Rarity lightly acknowledged him as one would passing charming scenery, "Oh, yes, a lady does need an attendant."
A head improbably stretched down from above and shouted, "Come on, girls, it's a party! This will be fun! Whee!" The bubblegum pink earth pony with the darker pink curly mane was a perpetual font of energy, laughing, bouncing, and cartwheeling about Rarity's boutique with practiced abandon.
Rarity blanched, "Um, Pinkie Pie, do mind the-" CRASH "... shop." Only her generous nature reassured her that it was merely the initial excitement of a major event that was making Pinkie Pie super extra Pinkie Pie.
"...Um..." interjected a voice faintly.
Wearily, Rarity pried her attention away from watching her life's work being destroyed (again) and to a cream yellow pegasus with a pink straight mane who was currently cowering under a table, as far away from the windows as possible. "Yes, Fluttershy?"
"...I... don't like all this attention. It's... scaring the animals."
Rarity walked over to reassure her frequent spa buddy, "Don't worry, Fluttershy dear, I'm sure your little animal friends have been through worse. You yourself bravely withstood several days of being the top model in Equestria. I know you hated it, I'm really sorry about this, but surely you can stand one day in which I'm the one in the spotlight... please? Please? PHA-LEAZZZZE?"
Only Fluttershy could make crawling out from under a table look graceful. She sighed delicately, "Oh, all right." Rarity answered Fluttershy's acquiesce with a sincere look of gratitude... but then, about the only thing in the world that Rarity had not been able to talk Fluttershy into was confronting a full grown dragon. To this day, the chronically shy pegasus was undecided if that was a better or worse experience than her accidental (but fortunately short-lived) modeling career.
Twilight Sparkle watched Rarity and Fluttershy's tender exchange and noted grimly that the last obstacle to Rarity's determined path had been eliminated. The purple unicorn fell back to one of her greater talents: organization.
"Alright, Rarity, girls, lets go over this one more time."
"Go over it one more time, Rarity darling," fawned Prince Blueblood. The potential royal couple were flanked by his two royal guardsman as they walked the streets of Ponyville. He was once again looking quite dapper in his tuxedo front. Spike, on the other hand, looked humiliated wearing his a black velvet sailor outfit - Rarity had insisted her attendant be well-dressed. However, he was nonetheless grateful for an opportunity to walk between the two unicorns in order to create some physical distance.
Rarity seemed less interested in the prince and more in the throng of admirers being kept at bay by the stern looks of the guardsman, but not so disinterested as to not notice his question. "Blueblood, darling," she emulated the royal tongue to the best of her ability, "today we will be visiting five of my closest friends. If you treat my friends as kindly as I, I will fully believe your claim that you have turned over a new leaf. And then, " the stars had returned to her eyes, "we can make our courtship official!"
The prince affixed Rarity with a dashing smile and come-hither flex of his eyebrows, "But of course, that sounds absolutely lovely, darling." The mare almost lost her footing in the euphoria of it all. "But first, my dear, let us take a photograph of you in your truly breathtaking splendor."
Rarity was taken aback, "Why, I would love one!" She did not have to wait long.
Out of nowhere and into the middle of the street arrived the foremost fashion photographer of Equestria. An earth pony whose cyan coat and bleach blond hair were as recognizable as her purple-lensed fashion goggles and signature dress. Rarity gasped, "Photo Finish?! It can't be!"
"Yes, it kun!" stated Photo Finish with her usual Germanic accent. Her attendants were not far behind, bringing with them the necessary photography equipment for an impromptu mid-street photo shoot.
Rarity sounded a tad pouty as she retold the painful experience, "But you said that you didn't want to make me shine across Equestria, that I lacked, 'Ze Magicks!'"
"Ach!" shouted Photo Finish, "I dun ever recall zat ve have even met! However, you are wit ze royalty now." Prince Blueblood smiled and wriggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Zat means you vill ahlways have Ze Magicks!"
Rarity's expression was dazed as her head swum with that idea.
The photo shoot was over before you could say, "Unt now, ve go!" As the royal entourage continued towards its next destination, Spike turned over the memento photograph in his claw resentfully. It was indeed an excellent picture of Rarity and Prince Blueblood smiling and looking perfect. Between them, hovering at the bottom of the picture, was a baby dragon's claw.
Spike spoke, "I really would have liked to have been included in that picture."
Rarity and Prince Blueblood were engaged in a polite conversation, ignoring him.
Spike inhaled, prepared to release a gout of flame at the picture, but paused in seeing Rarity's happy expression in it. He exhaled harmlessly and spoke to the inanimate object that had been spared his wrath, "You're lucky you've got Rarity with you."
"Y'all'r lucky ya got Rarity with ya," drawled Applejack, "we here at Sweet Apple Acres are plenty accomodatin' with most folk, but you noble types are the kind whut tends to look down on us little folk."
"Charmed, I'm sure," said an unusually amicable Prince Blueblood, "truly, it is a marvelous orchard."
The group of Rarity, Prince Blueblood, two guardsman, and Spike had shed their admiring crowd of onlookers at the Ponyville city limits, and were now deep in Apple family territory.
Applejack was proud, "Reckon you got a good eye on this one, Rarity," she said, "these trees have kept Ponyville fed since the time of my great, great, grandaddies, and they only become greater ev'ry year. The trees that is, not me grandaddies."
Rarity smiled, "But of course, Applejack. Would you be so kind as to explain the nature of the courtship trial here?"
"Why, ah'd be plumb happy to, sugar cube." Applejack leaned against a fence and crossed both sets of legs, relaxed even among royalty, and explained. "Now, if it were just any other pony lookin' to hook up with one of my fine filly friends, I'd probably test em' in applebuckin', hogtyin', n' other farm work." Prince Blueblood blanched subtly. "Yeah, I reckon that'd be a bit much for you hoighty toighty types, so here's wut we're gunna do: just an ol' fashioned tour of the farm, n' I expect you to be on yer best behavior."
Perhaps relieved at avoiding getting his hooves dirty, Prince Blueblood chimed in eagerly, "Oh, absotively, good Lady Applejack. Please, lead the way."
So it was that Applejack showed them the trees, the barn, the farmhouse, the pens, the silos, and all the other trappings of the farm. Prince Blueblood had nothing but complements for everything he saw, much to the delight of Rarity. The last stop was the apple cellar itself.
"Reckon y'all never knew how it was we kept apples fresh through the seasons," boasted Applejack as the procession climbed up the tall steps out of the cellar.
"Quite remarkable, Lady Applejack, truly I've learned a great deal about agriculture firsthand today," complemented Prince Blueblood, "I really must thank you for the fine tour of your facilities, though I must admit I'm glad to get some fresh air after being down in that cellar."
Prince Blueblood was, in fact, the first to leave the cellar, supporting the wooden doors with the magic from his horn as the ponies climbed up out of it.
Rarity was content, "Why thank you, Blueblood darling, it seems you have learned how to hold a door open for a lady."
The prince laughed airily, "But of course, my dear, I always knew. I don't know what I was thinking during the events of that ghastly gala." He closed the cellar doors firmly and the ponies gaily spoke of the favorite parts of their tour on Apple Acres as they made their way on the path out of the farm.
A few minutes later, the cellar doors opened again.
Apple Bloom, a bright yellow filly most recognized by a big red bow in her hair, was happily bounding through the farm when the ghastly creature crawled out of the cellar.
Seeing it, she screamed. A long, piercing scream.
There was a dreadful silence.
Then she spoke again, "Spike, is that you? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," said Spike, bitterly, as he dusted himself off outside the cellar doors. Though he said that, he had clearly seen better days, his outfit had gained a few tears and he was sporting visible bruises. He immediately asked, "Could you point me in the direction where Rarity and Blueblood went?"
Apple Bloom did so, and Spike loped off with barely a limp.
All things considered, he thought, for someone who had just a cellar door slammed in his face before hurtling down a flight of stairs, it could have gone a lot worse.
"-it could have gone a lot worse," Rainbow Dash was proclaiming boldly as Spike rejoined the royals, "but just then I punched through into a sonic rainboom! I scooped up Rarity and three of the Wonderbolts like it was nothing and delivered them safely back to Cloudsdale!"
"Oh, wonderful, wonderful!" Prince Blueblood was again clapping his fore-hooves enthusiastically. So also, surprisingly, were his guards, having been taken in by Rainbow Dash's tale. "Oh, Lady Dash, I owe you the life of my beloved Rarity, I cannot express my gratitude enough!"
"Aw, shucks, it was nothing", said Rainbow Dash proudly.
"Really, darling, that drop gets higher every time you tell that story." Rarity was smiling politely as she humored her friend, it wasn't exactly a pleasant memory for her, but her gratefulness was eternal. However, be that as it may, her romantic day with the prince would not last forever. "Perhaps we should move along to the courtship trail?"
"Sure thing!" Rainbow Dash pointed to a small section of road off the main thoroughfare to Ponyville. Immediately above that road were many small but ominous storm clouds, pouring rain. "It's like this, prince, I'm going to give you this umbrella," dash indicated a brightly colored parasol matching the color of her mane, "and you're going to walk down that road and prove you can be a gentleman by stopping Rarity from getting wet."
Prince Blueblood had already picked up the umbrella with his telekinesis and was reflexively opening and closing it, getting the feel for it. Dramatically, he said, "For Miss Rarity, I would bear a thousand thunderclouds!" Rarity blushed in pleasure while fanning herself with her hooves.
"Oh brother," said Rainbow Dash and Spike simultaneously before looking at each other in surprise. "Alright, time's a'wastin', lets get this over with."
"After you, Miss Rarity," said the prince, ushering the mare before him dramatically.
Spike tagged along just behind the couple in the rain, the guards following. He had to admit, the prince had remarkably fine control of his telekinesis for a unicorn who never had to raise a hoof without getting a servant to do it for him. Not a single drop was landing on either Blueblood or Rarity, a fairly impressive feat considering the umbrella looked to have barely more surface area than the both of them.
However, just before the end of the road, there was a twist to the trial. A mud puddle that could not be circumvented, passable if not for being about two feet long.
Spike chided the prince smugly, "How you going to get past this one?"
Rarity had been waiting for this part. She looked at Prince Blueblood expectantly.
Prince Blueblood looked back and smiled his cheesy princely smile, winking at her. Rarity found herself lost in his eyes, which reflected the rain falling about them. For one precious moment, it was just her and the prince in the eye of a hurricane.
"After you, milady," said the prince, suddenly. Rarity looked before her and there was a thin black cloak spread across the length of the mud. While she was distracted, the prince had dashingly produced it and placed it there in the blank of an eye!
Suitably impressed, Rarity tittered as she walked directly down the middle of the cloak, careful to avoid the sides, as the umbrella was carefully held above her by her suitor.
Prince Blueblood happily followed in her footsteps.
Then the heavily armored guards did the same in single file.
"Oh, Blueblood, you really know how to impress a lady!" gushed Rarity, "Look at me, I'm spotless! Not only did you remember to make sure your lady did not get her finely pedicured hooves dirty, but you even sacrificed a precious cloak to the mud! "
"No sacrifice is too great for you, Miss Rarity," crooned Prince Blueblood. She swooned.
The ponies proceeded down the dirt road outside of the reach of the thunderclouds.
Unnoticed behind them, the cloak sat up and spat out some mud.
Spike called over to Rainbow Dash, "Hey, Rainbow, help a brother out?"
"Woah, Spike, what happened to you?!"
"Don't ask. Just give me your patented Rainblow Dry, if you don't mind."
Rainbow Dash obliged, a procedure that involved drenching Spike with water from a thundercloud and then drying him with the power of an artificial tornado.
Spike was glad he didn't have hair to make frizzy. "Thanks sister, you're a lifesaver."
"If you say so," said Rainbow Dash worriedly. Spike's fine outfit was still splotched in places with mud and, as he ran after the royal procession, she noticed quite a few scuffs on his back that were the perfect outlines of horseshoes. She called after him, "Hey, try to be more careful little guy!"
"Oh, you really must be more careful, you poor little thing," said Fluttershy as she treated a baby robin's wing from the comfort of her home and impromptu veterinary clinic, "the next time you want to fly, send your mother to fetch me, I'll catch you if anything goes wrong!" The fledgling nodded furiously.
"I wonder when - eep!" Fluttershy's thought was interrupted by some voices outside of her front door.
"Really, Spike, if you're going to be that way, I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside."
"But Rarity, I'm telling you, this guy is no good! Just look at me!"
"I'm sorry, but no. You've distracted me from the prince's attention enough as it is. Just wait here on the doorstep."
"Fine! Be that way! At least I'm safe out here."
There was a knock at the door. "Angel, will you please get that? We're expecting guests."
Angel, Fluttershy's surly bunny butler, gave her a dirty look but still ran over and opened the door.
Rarity pranced in with her eyes closed and head held high, "Honestly, darling prince, I don't know what got into him. Spike is normally a perfect little gentleman."
"I'm sure the lad is just going through a stage, Miss Rarity," said the prince as he followed her into Fluttershy's abode, "why, when I was a lad-"
The guards took one look at Fluttershy and cowered behind the prince, "AAIGH! THE YELLOW DEMON OF THE GALA!"
Fluttershy bit her lip as her eyes filled with tears.
The prince looked irritated at their behavior, "No, you foals, it's simply the Lady Fluttershy! One moment, Miss Rarity, I would like to have words these two that are simply not fit for mixed company!"
The guards left the cottage with a very vexed looking unicorn master in their wake, closing the door behind them. There was some muffled shouting between Blueblood and his guards, and it sounded like even Spike took the opportunity to join in. Rarity and Fluttershy looked at each other with guilty expressions, imagining what kind of punishment must be going on outside.
After a few minutes, the prince reentered the cottage alone, romance once again on his voice, "I am terribly sorry about that, Miss Rarity, one simply must make sure the insubordinate little people are put in their place."
Rarity agreed readily, "Absolutely, darling, I was just saying to Twilight the other day, it's so hard to find good help these days."
Fluttershy was suitably impressed, "My, he's so assertive! I was going to see if he was willing to help innocent creatures, but I see there's no need for that now. Thank you for defending my honor, Prince Blueblood."
The stallion flashed her a smile, "The honor was mine, milady."
After about ten minutes of polite conversation between the two mares and the stallion, Rarity and Blueblood left the cottage as Fluttershy saw them away from her door.
The two sheepish Guardsmen bowed before Fluttershy, "We wish to express our sincerest apologies," said one of them.
Fluttershy smiled brightly after the royal procession as they proceeded in the direction of Ponyville.
Then a rain barrel mysteriously fell off her porch and ruptured, spilling a battered baby dragon.
Fluttershy was beside herself with worry, "Spike! What happened to you?!"
Spike was livid, "The jerk prince and those jerk guards of his stuffed me neck-deep in one of your water barrels, that's what happened! I've got to stop them!"
He turned to run after them and discovered that was quite impossible with Fluttershy's mouth holding his tail. He looked at Fluttershy with big eyes and begged, "Let go, Fluttershy! I've got to protect Rarity!"
Fluttershy spit out his tail. Spike's life was in danger, she had no choice. She applied The Stare.
"NO. You're staying right here, young mister, until I finish treating those injuries."
Spike whimpered, will shattered by the aftereffects of The Stare, just hoping she would be finished quickly so he can be on his way.
Rarity desperately hoped that she would be finished quickly so they could be on their way, but Pinkie Pie's parties were as inexhaustible as she was.
"Whee!" Pinkie Pie was dancing amidst the throng of ponies, really enjoying herself, "Is everypony having fun?!"
Sugarcube Corner was her favorite venue, and it showed. With so many more ponies in town than usual, the party was really jumping! Streamers lined the walls, ponies danced the later afternoon away, and tables were laden with a wide range of sugary pastries and drinks.
"Pinkie Pie!" shouted Rarity above the din, "How is this a courtship trial?!"
"Simple!" answered Pinkie Pie, "I need to know if this prince can paaartaay!'
Rarity looked over at Prince Blueblood and winced. He looked like he was about to bolt, and even his guards looked intimidated. The prince was used to quiet but elaborate parties with the upper crust of society. The guards were trained in pitched melee. Neither were prepared for the terrifying ferocity of a Pinkie Pie block party.
Rarity did her best to comfort the prince, "Blueblood, dear, I'm dreadfully sorry about this. This must be horrible for you!"
The prince's voice sounded like his teeth were chattering from terror, "N-n-n-no d-d-danger i-is t-too m-m-much f-f-for m-m-me t-t-to b-b-be w-w-w-with y-y-you M-m-m-iss Ra-ra-rarity!"
Rarity's heart melted with the words. Then, her heart turned back to ice as she saw Pinkie Pie climb up on the stage.
"Heelloooo everypony!" announced Pinkie Pie, "It's time to kick this party into HIGH GEAR!"
The throng before the stage cheered as Pinkie Pie did a few cartwheels about the circumference of the stage.
Stopping in the middle, she said, "Now, lets get our paaar-taay ooowwwwn! STAGE DIVE!"
Time slowed as Pinkie Pie made her elaborate jump from the stage. For just a moment, Rarity and Blueblood both had a flashback to a certain event from the gala. In their minds, Pinkie Pie's airborne body seemed to flash between two planes of reality: now at Sugarcube Corner, and then at the Grand Galloping Gala, flickering between Pinkie Pie wearing her gala outfit and not.
Transfixed in horror, neither of them noticed Spike run in, trailing bandages. Spike reached Rarity's side and opened his mouth to speak, "Miss Ra-"
Pinkie Pie's stave dive landed on the edge of a confectionery table and upended it, sending a huge five layer vanilla and apple crumb cake airborne and directly towards Rarity and Prince Blueblood.
"Not again!" screamed Rarity, closing her eyes tightly. Her horn glowed reflexively, reaching out for the nearest thing to throw between her and that horrible, horrible cake.
Spike usually liked being the nearest thing to Rarity. Not today. Oh, impacting the cake wasn't so bad, that part was delicious. No, the bad part was the heavy metal plate it was resting on. It impacted his baby dragon cranium with the sound of a cast iron frying pan. The dragon vanished from view as plate, dragon, and pounds of cake alike impacted the floor.
The cake's path was successfully diverted from Rarity and Prince Blueblood, but at all cost?
Rarity had no idea, "Did you hear something?"
"No!" exclaimed Prince Blueblood, "Lets get out of here!"
Rarity, the prince, and his two guards fled the scene, lest any more cakes come their way.
Pinkie Pie stood up and rubbed her chin, "Ouchy wouchy, it hurt just as much the last time." She cantered over to the sad remains of the cake on the floor, pushed the plate aside, and began to hungrily devour her way to the bottom of it before flipping a disheveled Spike onto her back.
She craned her neck towards her back and looked him over, "Wow, Spike, you look even worse than Dashie said you did!" Spike had neither comment nor consciousness. "Lets get you to Twilight!", she said brightly, bounding out the door and towards the library.
They were bound to arrive at the library door eventually, even though Rarity initially lost her bearings in the confines of Ponyville thanks to being temporarily traumatized by the events at the party, resulting in she, Prince Blueblood, and the two guards being fully an hour behind schedule.
"This is it!" she said excitedly, "If you can pass Twilight Sparkle's trial, our courtship is official!" Her voice fairly sung at the possibility.
The prince's smile was one of practiced debonair charm, "Of course, Miss Rarity, lead on."
But the library was dark as they entered. Rarity cast about the room, confused. "Twilight? Are you here, darling? What's going on?"
"Yes, I'm here," said Twilight. The library abruptly lit and Rarity looked to see her five friends standing top the library landing looking down into the entrance foyer. They all had rather stern looks on their faces - well, except for Pinkie Pie, it was nearly impossible for her not to be in high spirits.
Rarity didn't notice, she was giddy with how close she was to victory, "Oh, good, good! Now, if only we can get this silly last trial out of the way-"
"Rarity-," said Applejack.
But Rarity wasn't listening, "-I can finally end this night and-"
"Rarity!-" yelled Rainbow Dash.
Not good enough, "-begin my fabulous new courtship to-"
"Rarity?" asked Fluttershy plaintively.
Nice try, "-this glorious prince and begin my destiny-"
"Oooh Raaarityy?" queried Pinkie Pie with a giggle.
Rarity's head was full of stars, "-as a genuine princess of Equestri-"
"RARITY!" thundered Twilight Sparkle.
Rarity's stars went out. She had never seen that look on Twilight's face before.
"Yes, dear?"
"Get up here."
With a little whimper, Rarity carried herself up the stairs to Twilight's bedroom landing, the very same place that just yesterday she was cowering, "What?"
"Look," said Twilight Sparkle, gesturing.
Rarity looked and drew a breath in shock. It was a small bed not far from Twilight Sparkle's. The very one that Spike normally slept in. And there was Spike. The outfit she gave him in tatters, he was covered in bruises, scuffs from hoof prints, mud, and frosting - so much frosting.
Rarity was aghast, "What... what happened to him?"
Applejack was the first to speak, "Well, I reckon those bruises was whut happened when that Blueblood feller shut the cellar doors on em' at the end of our tour. None of us noticed at the time, but Apple Bloom was there when he crawled out, and tol' me all about it."
Rainbow Dash was as angry as she was brash, "As for that mud and those horseshoe scuffs, I think I can answer that! That Blueblood creep didn't bring a cloak to the trial, Rarity! He improvised! Using Spike!"
It was all Fluttershy could do not to cry as she related her tale, "I found Spike in a water barrel outside of my house after you left, Rarity. He said Blueblood and his guards stuffed him in there. I used The Stare on him, I bandaged him, but the moment he left my sight..."
Rarity spoke up, "But what about the frosting? I have to know about the frosting." She had bore these sugary scars recently herself, it was important to her to know the answer.
Pinkie Pie piped up, "Actually, silly, that was you! You grabbed Spike and threw him right at that cake without noticing! What a fabulous new idea to end a party! But that big ol' shiner on his head won't do. Next time we catapult a cake, I should probably put the cake on cardboard instead of a heavy metal baking pan!"
The true gravity of Rarity's inadvertent crimes was now weighing heavily on her little pony soul. The cake was too perfect a parallel, an irrefutable proof that she could not deny. In her mind, Spike had transformed. He was not a mere fawning admirer anymore, but a courageous child who had, since nearly after she had first met him, bore happily from her a kind of abuse that was nearly identical in nature to what she herself had received the night she stormed away from Prince Blueblood at the gala.
She chewed her lip as tears filled her eyes, "Twilight, is he going to be okay?"
Twilight sighed, dissipating some of the anger that built up when she saw her number one assistant like this and wanted to give a piece of her mind to Rarity.
"He'll be fine, Rarity. Dragons are made of tougher stuff than that."
Rarity looked grateful as she peered down on Spike with a misty expression.
He stirred uneasily under her gaze and awoke.
Sitting up groggily, he looked at the pony immediately next to him, Twilight Sparkle, and said, "Mommy?"
Twilight Sparkle smiled weakly back at him.
Spike frowned, "You're not my mother."
"Not technically," she said.
Dully, Spike noticed Rarity then, and tried to stand before falling back down into his bed. So instead, he reached into one of the pockets of his shredded uniform and extended a claw with a single piece of paper in it and said, "I'm sorry for ruining your evening, milady."
Rarity's horn glowed as she took the paper from Spike's hand. This was clearly the photograph Photo Finish had taken of them this morning. She noticed that it's funny how the focus of a simple photograph can change with a few modifications. A little mud here. A little frosting there. Where once the focus was on the eyes of a happy royal couple, it was now mostly on a single little baby dragon's claw desperately trying to enter the picture.
Rarity did something spontaneous then. She kissed Spike. Right on the forehead.
Spike had been through enough today. He fainted.
Rarity and her friends let him rest, making their way down the stairs to Prince Blueblood and his guards.
Rarity's eyes narrowed with the same conviction they had in them when she chewed him out at the end of the gala... she grit her teeth and spat fury, "YOU!"
"YOU!" said Rarity again, staring at Prince Blueblood.
He had overheard everything, of course. Was he frightened as he stood there between his two burly guards? Not at all. He looked down at the angry white unicorn and her immediate friends with an imperious, haughty expression.
"I really don't see what the trouble is, Miss Rarity, I met the conditions of your challenge perfectly. 'If you treat my friends as kindly as I, we can consider our courtship official,' yes? And I did exactly that."
Rarity and her five friends were arrayed in a semicircle around the prince and his guards now, staring at him, the door out of the library being available for the Prince to leave. But he didn't leave. Instead, he pointed a hoof at them one by one.
"You, Lady Applejack, I tolerated your ugly little dirt farm politely and kept my comments to myself about the ridiculous squalor you earth ponies choose to live in." Applejack fairly snarled.
"You, Lady Rainbow Dash, I humored your boring stories of meager achievement and performed your trivial little game with whatever means I felt were necessary." Rainbow Dash would have tackled him then, but she was too angry even for that.
"You, Lady Fluttershy, I graced with my benevolent company for at least a full ten minutes while ignoring the obviously atrocious state of your vermin-infested hovel." Fluttershy gasped.
"You, Lady Pinkie Pie... you really don't know much about how nobility celebrates occasions, do you? Your feeble attempts were simply horrible!" Pinkie Pie's hair may have wilted for a moment before bouncing back into the usual curls as she blew a gigantic raspberry at him.
"And as for you, Twilight Sparkle, Celestia's faithful student, you should just be glad I didn't have you expelled from this ghastly village for hiding Miss Rarity from me." Twilight Sparkle grit her teeth and set her feet.
Rarity asked him a simple question then, "And what about Spike?"
The prince shrugged, "What about Spike? The silly little creature really has no place in pony society. I tried to hint to him that he should really butt out more times than I can count, but he just kept coming back. I honestly have no idea why you put up with him, Miss Rarity."
Rarity roared.
"I PUT UP WITH HIM BECAUSE HE. IS. MY. FRIEND!"
"HE. IS. MY. FRIEND." The prince and his guards may have been blown back a few steps by the sheer force of Rarity's bellow. That's twice in a little over two weeks that mare had sent words echoing through the royal cranium of Prince Blueblood.
The prince's lip curled, "You're friends with a wyrm? Oh, dear, that's it boys," he confided in his guards, "it seems I failed the challenge after all. Oh well, I think this farce has gone on long enough anyway,we got what we wanted, lets go."
The door slammed shut before they could leave. Twilight's Sparkle's horn was glowing. She wanted answers, and she was going to get them. "What do you mean, this farce? What did you get out of this?"
Prince Blueblood puffed himself up and chuckled, "Well, it's obvious, isn't it? All through and around Ponyville today, half of Equestria saw me sashaying around with Miss Rarity, the foal who dared to dump me at the Grand Galloping Gala while calling into question my impeccable integrity in front of so many highly placed names."
His eyes took on a sinister turn as he continued his plot, "But now everypony knows we're back together... only now we're apart. At least, that's what I'll tell them all. That I, Prince Blueblood did the dumping this time around, that this poor common girl turned out to be far too uncouth for my tastes. It was my plan from the start, you know. I really would have preferred to wait until the courtship was official so I could really break it off, but, oh well, close enough."
"Now then, " said the prince, "can I go?"
Twilight Sparkle's grin was vicious.
"Yes, you can go."
The door opened.
On the other side stood the sun itself, immortal, two to three times the size of any living pony, her flowing chromatic mane filling the doorway as it rippled majestically under the flow of unseen cosmic forces.
Princess Celestia smiled sweetly, her voice as lyrical as always.
"Oh, nepheeeeew? We have a date to speak with your mother."
Prince Blueblood's face was priceless, this much was agreed on by almost everypony. After all, a certain prince had assured there would be plenty of photographers on the streets that day. So it was that, for centuries to come, whenever someone was relating the world-famous Equestrian story about the day that Princess Celestia dragged Prince Blueblood out of Ponyville by his ear, they could see for themselves just how priceless that expression was.
Spike's expression was priceless, too. His usual stupor when Rarity was around had risen to such heights that it was clear he was in heaven.
Every day for the past week, Rarity stopped by the library to perform his workload while he recovered from Prince Blueblood's visit. His favorite part was when she changed his bandages, using her telekinetic powers to levitate antiseptic-laden cotton swabs to dab the various aches and pains before applying fresh ones.
But all good things must come to an end.
"Well, little gentleman," said Rarity as she put away the gauze, "I think that you're just about healed now. Twilight was right, even baby dragons can take quite a bit of punishment."
"Aw, man!" lamented Spike, "You mean that after everything I've gone through, things are just going to go back to normal again?"
Rarity smiled at him brilliantly, and Spike was in love with her all over again.
"No, Spike, your pains have spared me from the greatest mistake I would have made in my life, and for that, I am forever grateful."
She frowned then and said sharply, "But I'm never going to kiss a dragon again. No offense, but you taste positively terrible!"
Spike was crestfallen. It seems that he would forever be in the friend zone. However, he noticed as Rarity smiled brightly at him, that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.
When Rarity left for the day, Twilight Sparkle trotted up with a smile of her own, "Hey, Spike, there's something I wanted to know."
"What's that, Twi?"
"How is it that Blueblood ended up getting caught in the end? Though I sensed her there at the last moment, there shouldn't have been enough time for Princess Celestia to arrive from Canterlot when we realized what he was up to."
Spike smirked glibly, "The way I see it, the prince made one fatal mistake."
"Oh?" asked Twilight
Spike nodded and said, "He chose to mess with a dragon who happened to be a direct hotline to Celestia herself."
Twilight facehoofed. It was so obvious, why didn't that occur to her before? The very reason Spike was assigned to her was because of his ability to communicate with the princess.
Spike giggled, "There, there, Twilight, you ponies can't always be as clever as me!"
