gone for good

by Crackshot

Rating: mature
Tags: Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Other, Scootaloo, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Berry Punch, Zecora, Human, Sad, Lyra, Romance, Applejack, Original Character, Trixie
Length: 12707

You are a middle-class american citizen, living the american dream. Living in a nice house, with a nice car, married to the girl of your dreams with a small bundle of joy. However, even the most perfect dream is not without it's flaws, and what lies beneath your facade of happyness is a family barely hanging together. One night, you finally snap, and leave with a slammed door, deciding to drink your pain away. However, you don't even get that far before everything you know is taken from you..... to be replaced with another life, in a new world... a second chance. And one like this should not be passed up.

Alright everyone, i know some of you have been waiting for this, but it might not exactly be what you were hoping for, as i decided to experiment with two different things. The first being a clopfic(however, the more steamy scenes won't be until later chapters). Yes, this is the clopfic i said i was going to write. it is also in second person. This is one where i want you to be as rutheless as you can about it, tell me if it sucks, tell me how to make it better, or if i should just scrap it. I aim to please.

OC human X i havent decided yet. vote on my blog post!(though please keep it straight, i feel awkward enough writing a clopfic as it is)

Published 2012-02-06 02:36:29 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-30 17:39:13 UTC

Regrets(introduction)

You’re happy. You have a job that you enjoy, you have a nice house, but nothing to fancy, you have a nice car, a beautiful wife, and an adorable three year old daughter, both of whom you love dearly. Sure, you and your wife have been having a rough patch, but you’ll pull through just like you always have.

Or at least, that was what you thought until the day everything changed. One day, you woke up and left for work, like every other morning. And like every other morning, despite the problems at home, you managed to put on a smile for your coworkers, and make it appear as if nothing was wrong. And then that night, as if like clockwork, you and your wife had argued as you left to go to the local bar. You stopped at a gas station on the way to pick up a pack of cigarettes, as you were almost out, and then it happened. As soon as you stepped out the door of the station, there was a gun in your face, and a masked man demanding your wallet and your car keys. You thought he was bluffing when he said he wouldn’t hesitate to kill you for them.

You were wrong. You said no, only to hear a gunshot, and feel the bullet lodge itself deep in your chest, and that was that. You were dead, and there was nothing anyone could do about it as you bled out in the middle of the parking lot.

That was about three days ago. Your still not sure what happened, but from what you’ve been told, you were found barely clinging to life in the middle of what the locals call the everfree forest, unconscious, and bleeding heavily. You woke up in a hospital room surrounded by pastel colored ponies, and nearly had a heart attack on the spot. So did they, but that didn’t make you feel any better. Everything was explained to you then, but even they didn’t know a lot of the circumstances. Information was exchanged, including names, places, and bits of history, both your own and that of your world, with a lavender pony named Twilight Sparkle. Today is the day after you were released from the hospital, and the day after the pony called “Pinkie Pie” threw you a large party, the banner for which read “GLAD YOU’RE FEELING BETTER/WELCOME TO PONYVILLE JOE!”. You never were one for parties, but you decided to stick around since it was for you. And since it was free booze. Tonight, you sit on a bench in a less populated part of the local park, reflecting on what had happened in the days leading up to this point. You recall the last conversation you’d had with your wife, and shake your head shamefully as you replay it in your mind.
******************************

“Joe! Where are you going?” she yells after you as you gather you leather jacket and your car keys and walk towards the door.

“I’m going out for a bit, why?” you ask, slightly irritated. You’d had a long day of work, and needed some time to yourself to relieve the stress.

“Your not going to the bar, are you?” she asks, her voice more concerned now.

“And so what if I am?” you ask, raising your voice further. “I had a long day, I think I’ve earned some time to myself for Christ’s sake!” you say, now yelling.

“Joe, keep your voice down, I just put Amanda to bed!” she whispers pleadingly. You sigh and shake your head. “What happened to the man I married all those years ago? The man who put family above all else?” she asked, gripping your shoulders. You brush her hands off and continue out the door.

“He's not here anymore. He left long ago..” you say softly before slamming the door behind you.
*************************************************************

You begin to cry softly, cradling you head in your hands, cursing yourself for your stupidity. You berate yourself for not trying harder to keep your cool, and for letting your temper get the better of you. You stand up and look around at the darkened foliage, looking for anyone who might hear you. Finding no one, you drive your fist into a nearby tree, tearing some of the skin off of your knuckles and causing them to bleed. “So STUPID!” you yell at yourself through gritted teeth as the tears keep flowing. “I-I…. I should’ve stayed at home….. I should’ve at least told her how much I loved her before I left…” you whisper to the air as you fall to your knees, dragging you fist along the bark, leaving a slight blood trail down it. You begin to sob quietly, and rest your head on the tree for a moment. Soon, though, your tears dry, and you resolve to make the best of the situation you’re in. You grab your jacket and drape it over yourself like a blanket as you lie down on the bench you were sitting on earlier, and soon fall asleep, dreaming of better times and happy days, when everything was less stressful and complicated. And less full of ponies.

trying to find a job

You awake in the morning, and sit up with a stretch and a yawn. You look around to see that there’s still nobody there. “Nopony.” you whisper to yourself before shaking your head with a small chuckle. “I’ll never get used to that.”. You stand up and put your jacket back on and pull out the pack of cigarettes you kept in it’s pocket before letting out a sigh. You’d been smoking for nearly ten years, and you knew it was going to catch up with you sooner or later. ‘I have no reason to quit, though.’ you think to yourself as you remove the plastic wrapping and open the pack, removing one cigarette and placing it between your lips as you sit back down. You hear kids laughing in the background, and look behind you to see three little fillies walking and talking. You turn back and pull out your lighter with a sigh, as they remind you that you’ll never see your own daughter grow to that age. You light the cigarette and take a deep drag on it before pulling it out of your mouth to inhale the smoke, letting it back out in a deep sigh.

“You shouldn’t do that, you know. It’s unhealthy.” you hear a voice say from not to far away. You look to your left to see one of the fillies you’d just seen standing there. She was an orange pegasus, and had purple hair. ‘a purple mane.’ you mentally correct yourself before letting out another sigh, then flashing a fake smile.

“I know, kid. I tried quitting before, but I never could.” you say before repeating the motion that had become routine for you.

“Then why did you start?” she asks as she takes a seat next to you, making you chuckle lightly.

“It was the ‘cool’ thing when I was a kid. A way to show your parents you wouldn’t stand for their rules anymore, a way to rebel.” you say shaking your head as you remember your parents. They were never the best parents, but they’d cared for you growing up. You hadn’t spoken to either of them since you moved out, and you regretted it. You look over to see the filly with a thoughtful look on her face and a hoof to her chin.

“In that case, can I have one?” she asks, almost making you choke on the smoke you were inhaling.

“No, of course not!” you say, not wanting to cause any problems in this world. “I wont be the cause of your cancer. Besides, I doubt your parents would appreciate me letting their daughter smoke.” you say, shaking your head as you look away. Then you hear the sound of slight tears, and look back to see her crying. “Hey kid, what’s wrong?” you ask.

“My parents don’t care about me. My dad can’t, cause he’s never around. He’s always working, and usually doesn’t come home ‘till I’m in bed, and my mom is always out drinking. They’re never around to care.” she says with a sniffle as she wipes away a tear. You look away, thoughtfully. Was this what your daughter would be like growing up? You sigh heavily, and then realize you’re smoking filter, and put it out on the concrete.

“your dad reminds me a little of myself.” you say sadly. “But just because he works a lot doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Quite the opposite, in fact. He works a lot so that you can have what you have.” you say, ruffling her mane a bit. “It might not be much, then again it might be a lot, I don’t know, but whatever it is, your dad works very hard for it.” her sniffling quieted down when you were done.

“Y-you really think so?”

“Of course. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t work, now would he?” you say with a small chuckle.

“Y-you’re right. Thanks mister.” she says as she gets down and chases after her friends. You watch her run off with a smile, knowing you did something for someone else for a change.

“No problem.” you mutter long after she’s gone. You stand up again and walk into town, knowing you’ll need some form of employment if you’re going to last very long. You get the occasional odd look from the towns folk, but you pay them no mind. You’d do the same thing if you saw one of them in your world. You spot a sign on in a store window that says they’re hiring, and walk in to find it’s a music store, with guitars hanging on the walls, and drum sets set up around the room.

“Can I help you?” you turn to see a blue pony earth pony with a blue mane. ‘how original’ you think, before speaking.

“Yeah, I saw the sign outside that said you were hiring, and was wondering if I could fill the spot.” you say. He puts a hoof to his chin for a moment, looking you over.

“We’ll see. Name’s Blues.” he says holding out a hoof. You take it and shake it. “Come with me, we’ll see if you’ve got what it takes.” he says when the shake is over, and leads you into a back room. He turns on the lights, revealing some instruments. Namely an acoustic guitar, a drum set, and an organ. You chuckle lightly.

“You starting a band, Blues?” you ask jokingly.

“Actually I am, that’s what the sign was for.” he says with a laugh. You walk over to the guitar and pluck a few strings, trying to remember how to play it. “Well pick it up, try it out, and I’ll go get the guys while you do that.” he says as he walks out the door. You pick up the guitar and sit down. It’s not much smaller than the one you had as a teenager, but it’s still a little small for you. You play a few chords practice chords as Blues walks in with his friends. “Alright guys, here he is. Now, let’s see what you can do!” he says happily as he pulls up a chair.” you look up to see he is accompanied by a dark brown unicorn with a black mane, and a grey earth pony with a red mane. You sigh heavily before playing a song you knew pretty well. You fumbled a couple times to start, but soon got it pretty well, and started singing the lyrics.
“It’s been a bit of a while, since I seen you smile. It’s been to long, baby, what went wrong? Tell me how it got spoiled, tell me when it went bad, and how to get back to the times that we had. When we were both young, and our spirits were bold, now were just angry, and we act like were old, we can’t even talk it out, without on of us walkin’ away.” you sing, putting your heart into what your singing. “When you were eighteen, an’ I just turned twenty-nine, I was fresh out the coffin, girl, and you were so fine. The future was bright, and the world, it seemed new. I was with some other woman, but I was thinking’a you. I know how it hurts, and I know how it feels. I know how it aches, cause a heart never heals, we’re so busy screamin’, we don’t hear the words that we say. We’ve taken our lumps, and we took a few blows, we’ve hit a few bumps, had our fair share of woes. We tried to see good, through all of the bad, we put on our smiles, and pretend we’re not sad. We gotta be tough, and we gotta be strong, gotta be right, can’t afford to be wrong, it’s hard to shake the blues when your readin’ bad news every day.” you hear a couple of the others laugh at that line, and hear Blues tell them to shut up. “We worry to much for one couple to bear. Hunger so much for one person to care. Foolin’ our family, we’re foolin’ our friends, we pray that the pain and the frustration ends. Hope is a chance, hope is a dream, hope is drug, maybe hope’s a vaccine, in a race against time, I get down on my knees and I pray. I shout at the devil, I curse the lord. I offer them everything I can afford. I'd sell out my soul, I lighten to see, I tried to be righteous, I Tried to believe, Prayed every prayer, Kicked all of my highs. For hours I'd stare at those beautiful eyes. All of my problems seem to be melting away. The smile on her face says daddy everything is okay. In the race against time I get down on my knees and I pray.” you end the song, leaving it off on the last strum with a heavy sigh. You then hear a bit of clapping from Blues and his friends, and look to see smiles on their faces.

“He’s just what we need.” says the unknown earth pony, to which Blues nods.

“Yeah. Alright, Joe, we’ll let you know when we get a gig and how much it pays. That guitar,” he says, pointing his hoof at the one in your hands. “is now yours. Free of charge. However, I wouldn’t bet everything on us getting a gig anytime soon, so if I were you, I’d keep looking for an actual job.” he says solemnly. You simply nod and voice your thanks as you pick up the guitar, put it in a nearby case, which you then sling over your shoulder, and walk outside. As soon as you do, you’re stopped by a mint green unicorn, who puts her front hooves on your shoulders and gets very close to your face, looking giddy as a school girl.

“omygoshohmygoshohmygosh!” is all she says before letting out a fan girl like squeal

“Ummmm…… can I help you?” you ask slowly, uncomfortable with how close she is to you. She then blushes brightly and then gets back on all fours, smiling sheepishly.

“Sorry about that. My name’s Lyra, and-” she’s cut off by another pony calling her name. She looks back, and then quickly back to you. “Oh, sorry, I gotta go, talk to you later, bye!” and then she gallops off towards whoever was calling for her.

“The fuck was that about?” is all you can say.

Trying to get shit faced, and dealing with endless rhymes.

A/N: alright everyone, going to make a chapter providing "you" with an extended one-on-one experiance each of the choices for shipping(though i might throw one or two in the same chapter), which means that after this chapter, you'll have six chapters at most to vote. so far there's a vote for Zecora, Berry Punch, and Trixie. on a side note, please forgive my terrable rhyming, it's not as easy as i thought it was. anyway, vote here at my blog, and enjoy.

After that incident, you walk over to a nearby bar, hoping you can use some of the money you have from home to pay for drinks. When you walk in, the bar goes silent, everypony stopping what they were doing to look at you for a moment. A minute goes by, but it seems like an eternity, and then everyone goes back to what they were doing, and you take a seat at the bar. “What can I get ya, lad?” the barkeep asks as he trots up to you.

“Whiskey, on the rocks.” Is all you say. He nods and trots off to get your drink. Suddenly, you get the familiar waft of alcohol breath, and look to your right to see a bright purple pony sitting right next to you, giving you a look you’re all to familiar with.

“So big boy…. You play guitar?” she asks drunkenly, badly slurring every word. You sigh heavily, but decide to go along with it anyway.

“Yeah, I play a little.” you say as the bartender slides you your drink.

“Well if yer any good, feel free at use the stage we got over there.” the bartender says before leaning in closer and whispering. “It’d be a wise idea ta get away from Berry before she tries somethin’. She’s persistent, that one.” he says before backing up with a laugh. “Unless yer inta that sort of thing.” you only laugh and shake your head before taking a sip of your drink, letting it sit in your mouth for a moment so that the flavor can set in before you swallow it, the alcohol slightly stinging the back of your throat.

“So… you come here often?” the mare you now know as Berry asks, making you laugh.

“First time.” you say, not wanting to say much as you drown your sorrows in peace.

“Don’t talk much, do ya?” she asks, suddenly wrapping a hoof around your shoulder, bringing her face in close to yours. “That’s alright, I hear that the quiet ones are always the loudest in bed.” she says, giggling. You only shake your head and show her your hand.

“Married. Sorry.” you say, wiggling your ring finger and showing off your wedding ring, not really feeling like explaining the species barrier at the moment.

“Aw, don’t give me that shit!” she says, getting closer to your face. “Like you’ve never cheated on her.” she says, making you sigh heavily.

“Actually, I haven’t. Now if you don’t mind, I’m leaving now. Come talk to me when you’re at least sober enough to now the boundaries.” you say before finishing your drink and standing up.

“Damn it Berry, how many times I gotta tell ya!? Stop drivin’ away my customers!” the bartender yells as he walks over. “I’m terribly sorry about her. She comes in every day and gets to shit-faced to remember her own name, then hit’s on anything she thinks she can score with.” he says, shaking his head. “Your drink’s on the house tonight, lad.” he says. You thank him and head out the door, wondering why she would get so smashed. Then you realize you probably would have been well on your way to that point if it wasn’t for her. You sigh, light another cigarette, and lean on the wall, soaking in the events of your day. As you sit there, you see a couple familiar faces. In the hopes that they could help you find employment, you walk towards them.

“Hey Twilight. Spike.” you say, causing them to turn towards you. You notice an unfamiliar pony, white with black stripes and a Mohawk, but pay them no mind. ‘Well at least zebras look vaguely the same as the do back home.’ you think to yourself.

“Oh, hey Joe! We were just talking about you.” Twilight says joyfully. “Oh! I almost forgot, Zecora, this is Joe, Joe this is Zecora, a friend of mine.” she says. You nod and take your cigarette in one hand, extending the other for a shake.

“Nice to meet you, Zecora.” you say. She takes your hand and shakes it slightly.

“It is nice to meet a creature so new.
Tell me Joe, how are you?
From what I’m told, your wounds were grave,
But obviously your life they managed to save.” she says, confusing you slightly. You wonder for a moment if all zebras rhyme in casual conversation.

“Yeah, the doctors patched me up real good.” you say, finishing your cigarette and throwing the expended bud at the ground, scattering harmless sparks across the ground, causing the two mares to rear back slightly in surprise before you step it out with the toe of your shoe. “Sorry ladies. I guess old habits die hard, eh?” you say with a nervous chuckle as you rub the back of your neck.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Twilight says after collecting herself.

“Psh, mares, am I right?” Spike asks, nudging you with an elbow. You only laugh slightly in response.

“Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without em.” you say, holding your hand out for a bro-fist.

“Brohoof accepted.” Spike says with a laugh, bumping your fist with his own.

“But…. Neither of you have hooves….” Twilight says with a confused look on her face, making you and Spike laugh even harder. Zecora simply stands on the sidelines, smiling. You decide that you might as well strike up conversation while you’re here.

“So, Zecora, what do you do around here?” you ask after your laughter dies down. She looks at you, seeming to take a moment to find the right words to say.

“I do not live in town,
For my presence once made the pony folk frown.
But now, thanks to Twilight and her friends,
I can come here to find the means to my ends.
I live in the forest, where I can find plants for my brews,
But I come to town to buy those plants rare, and to hear the latest news.” she says, causing you to look at her for a moment.

“Do you do that on purpose, or is rhyming casually just what you do?” you ask out of the blue before realizing you might have just offended her. “I’m sorry, my curiosity sometimes gets the better of me.” you apologize quickly, but she dismisses it with a smile and a wave.

“It is a question I receive often,
So your worries you may soften.
In my youth, I was a traveling bard,
Back then rhyming was fairly hard.
I asked a unicorn to cast a spell,
And the difficulty of rhyming went straight to-”

“Alright I think we get the point!” Twilight interrupted, jerking her head towards Spike. You can only laugh at censorship of Zecora’s tale. Then you remember your original purpose for coming to talk.

“Hey, I kinda need a job, I don’t suppose either of you could help me out?” you ask, looking from one mare to the other. Twilight puts a hoof to her chin in thought, then sorrowfully shakes her head ‘no’. Then Zecora speaks up.

“I have need of an assistant strong,
To help collect herbs that have eluded me too long.
Come, follow me to my hut,
And I will show you how to harvest the chakra nut.” she says, to which you nod and follow her on the road out of town.

“So, what’s so special about this nut, and why is it so hard for you to get?” you ask, getting straight to business.

“The chakra nut is said to clear the mind,
And to help one search for things that can not find.
I know where to find this nut, though harvesting it will prove challenging.
To reach it, I hope you are good at balancing.” she said, not bringing you much comfort. You never did have the best balance. She sees the look on your face, noticing your discomfort.
“Do not worry I am sure you will be fine,
For you always have the option to simply climb this ancient pine.” she said, bringing you some amount of comfort. Climbing you can do, but balancing? Not so much.

“So where is this tree, anyway?” you ask, not noticing that you were already deep in the everfree forest.

“Right here.” is all she says in response, and you turn to see a large pine tree, going higher than you can see.
“The chakra nut is at the very summit,
So be careful, or else to your doom you will plummet.” she says, causing you to sigh heavily.

“Why the hell does it always have to be heights?” you mutter under your breath as begin to climb the tree.

Dealing with a prankster pt. 1

A/N: alright everyone, we have a bit of a tie going on at the moment. Two votes for Trixie, two votes for Zecora. Beyond those two, we have one vote for Twilight, one vote for Lyra, and one vote for Berry Punch, so someone please vote and break this stalemate! But, most importantly, enjoy the story!

“You are quite lucky, my friend,
Were it not for that branch, your fall would have been your end.” Zecora says, hoofing you a potion for your soreness. You had successfully harvested the nut, but had fallen on the way down, breaking branches until you landed on one that was strong enough to hold your weight.

“Yeah, well it certainly didn’t do me any favors beyond that.” you say with a chuckle before drinking the potion you were given. You soon feel numb in the areas you are sore, and fix her with a slightly confused stare.

“Your pain is gone temporarily,
You should still work very warily.” she explains. You simply nod as you stand from the bench you were sitting on.

“Well, I hope that nut helps with whatever you’re working on.” you say before letting out a small laugh. “Damn thing was large as my fist.” you say, and the two of you share a laugh. She gives you a small bag with a grateful nod. You accept it, and walk out the door, finding the path towards town and following it. As you walk, you open the bag to find it full of small gold coins, which your memory vaguely marks as bits. You smile slightly as you tuck the bag away into the inner pocket of your jacket. You stop for a moment, simply taking in the beauty of the natural world around you as you light up for the third time that day and watch the sun slowly begin to set over the horizon. You hear a slight rustling in the trees above you, and snap around, ready to run if necessary. “Who’s there?” you ask loudly, taking a slow step back. You hear another rustle, though this one is louder, and much closer, you turn around to find nothing there. “Must be my imagination.” you mutter to yourself. But then you feel something tap on your shoulder, and turn to find yourself face to beak with a creature you knew to be myth. All you do is sigh and shake your head. “Honestly, I’m not even surprised to find a griffon here.” you say jokingly.

“Well well, maybe you’re not as much of a dweeb as I thought, after that nasty fall you took.” it says with a chuckle, it’s voice making you assume it to be female. “And you’ve got a sense of humor. That definitely scores you some points.” she says cracking a smile. You don’t even feel like questing how smiling with a beak is physically possible considering what you’ve already seen.

“Yeah, well being the new guy in town means I have to be something, I chose to be a smart-ass.” you say with a shrug. “So what’s your story? Is living in the forest normal for griffons, or are you some kind of hippie?” you ask with a straight face. She only chuckles, and then takes a sadder tone.

“Funny story, actually.” she says, holding up her claws for a moment for emphasis. “I kinda came to town a while back ‘cause my parents were all like ‘you can’t live here anymore, you’re twenty-three, go get a job’ and all that happy stuff. Anyway, I came to town hoping one of my old buddies could give me a place to stay for a while and, well it didn’t exactly work out the way I planned, and I…… may have been run out of town.” she says cracking a nervous smile. You only bust out laughing, causing her to become angry. “Hey douche bag, it’s not funny! This is some serious shit!” she says indignantly.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” you say as your laughter dies down. “But… what exactly has been stopping you from going back into town? I mean, its not like there’s any for of law there from what I’ve seen, and it’s not like they can just make you leave if you’ve got nowhere else to go.” you say, and she suddenly takes a look of thoughtfulness.

“Why didn’t I ever think of that?” she mutters to herself, making you chuckle slightly.

“Shit happens, kid. Anyway, I’m heading back into town anyway, so if you want you can walk with me.” you say, gesturing to the path with you free hand as you take another drag on your cigarette. She shrugs her wings, and starts walking beside you. “What’s your name anyway?” you ask as you exhale the smoke in your lungs.

“Name’s Gilda, remember it.” she say proudly. “Cause one day, I’m gonna be famous! More than that damn Rainbow Dash, that’s for sure.” she says, muttering the last sentence under her breath, but still loud enough for you to hear. Whether that was intentional or not, you’re not sure, but a sudden recognition clicks in your mind.

“Oh yeah, I’ve heard about you!” you say as you finally remember where you’ve heard her name before. “Yeah, all the ponies in town told me you were a HUGE bitch.” you say before shrugging. “But you don’t seem all that bad so far.”

“Heh… so you heard about that?” she asks, rubbing the back of her neck with one claw. You respond with a nod as you stop to put out your cigarette. “Well, in my defense, that Pinkie Pie is annoying as all hay! I mean jeez, obsessive much?” she says, causing you to laugh.

“Yeah, Pinkie Pie seemed a bit…. What’s the word I’m looking for…..” you say, snapping your fingers as you rack your mind for the correct word.

“Crazy?” Gilda suggests with a laugh. You chuckle lightly and shake your head.

“I was gonna say ’hyper’, but I guess that’s a more blunt way of putting it.” you say, laughing a little bit. You don’t feel right talking about her behind her back, but at least it’s nothing too serious. “By the way, my name’s Joe.” you say, offering your hand for a shake, which she takes.

“Cool name, I guess.” she says with another shrug.

You soon reach the border of town, but Gilda stops short. “What’s up? What happened to just kinda walking in like nothing happened?” you joke, but she just shakes her head.

“I don’t know, what if everypony’s still mad at me? I mean, they ran me out once, who says they can’t do it again?” she asks, looking at you nervously. You sigh heavily and shake your head.

“The things I do for strangers…. Look, I’ll vouch for you, just don’t do anything stupid.” you say, trying to reassure her.

“Really?” she asks, looking at you slightly confused. You nod and she takes a deep breath. “Alright… Let’s do this.” she says, and you both walk into Ponyville. You get most of the way into town without incident, but you are soon stopped by Pinkie Pie.

“Hey miss meanie-Mc’meanie-mean-pants!” she says with a broad smile on her face. “Did you come back to apologize to everypony for being so mean last time? Oh oh oh, or did you come back to finish that party we had last time? Huh? Huh? Huh?” she asks, overwhelming you with the sheer spead of her speech.

“Uh….” Gilda says, at a loss for words. She looks to you for guidance, but all you can do is shrug. “I’m, uh, just passing through Pinkie, yeah, not gonna be here very long.” she says with a nervous smile. Pinkie starts to say something, but then she notices you and stops for a moment. She looks from you to Gilda then back to you, her smile replaced by a straight face of thought. Then she smiles again, more broadly and brightly than before. “Oh my gosh, you met Joe! I bet you two are super-duper best friends now, and any friend of Joe’s is a friend of mine, unless they’re super-duper mean, like you were last time, but if you’re friends with Joe now, that means that you’re my friend now too, and I throw all my new friends the bestest best parties ever!” she yells before disappearing in a pink blur.

“Wait what?” is all Gilda can say after Pinkie runs off.

“It’s Pinkie Pie, it’s best not to ask questions. Anyway, now that that’s cleared up, I’m going to the park. It’s getting dark, and I need some sleep.” you say with a yawn. “I’ll see you around Gilda.” you say with a wave as you walk towards the park, knowing there’s nothing waiting for you there but the same bench you’ve used since you got out of the hospital.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll see you around Joe.” she says, returning the wave before flying off. You walk alone in silence towards the park, tired and worn out. You can feel Zecora’s potion beginning to wear off, and plan on falling asleep before it does. You get to the park by the time the moon is at it’s peak, finding it empty once again. You sigh as you lay down on the familiar bench, using your jacket as a blanket once again. No one knows you sleep out here, and if you have any say in it no one ever will. You look up to the sky and see a star twinkle, and think of home. You sigh.

“I miss you, Deb.” you whisper to the sky, knowing she probably can’t hear you. You soon fall into a dreamless sleep.

The most peaceful sleep you’ve had in months.

Trying to get shitfaced again/finding your true calling Pt. 1

A/N: alright everyone, a quick shoutout to everyone who's voted so far, thank you ladies and gentleman for helping me out. Four more chapters to vote, so hurry to my blog post if you want to influence the path this story takes! Current tally:
Trixie:3 Twilight:1 Gilda: 1 Zecora:1 Berry Punch:1 Lyra:1 Cherilee:0

You awake the next morning and groggily sit up, rubbing your eyes for a moment. You take a deep breath of the crisp clean air and allow yourself to crack a slight smile. It was truly a beautiful day. The sun was high, the birds were singing, and there was a cool breeze blowing to compensate for the heat. You sigh contentedly as you stand and throw your jacket around your shoulders, putting it on like they do in the movies, causing you to smile a little more. You look at your guitar, which you left under your bench, and wonder if you should leave it there, or take it with you just to be safe. You decide to leave it behind, thinking that there is no true crime in this world.

You light up as you walk away, not entirely sure of your destination. You walk slowly to admire the many flowers that adorn the side of the road, but still soon find yourself in the marketplace. You look around for a moment, wondering what you should do next. Your thought process is interrupted by the rumbling of your stomach, and you realize that you didn’t eat yesterday. You approach the apple stand and find a familiar face behind the wooden counter.

“Well hey there Joe! What can ah get ya?” asks the farmer pony with a smile.

“Hey Applejack.“ you say. You think for a moment and look over the stock, wondering what kind of apples she has. “Any chance I can get a red delicious?” you ask. She simply nods and walks over to the corresponding basket, then comes back holding a large, shiny apple by it’s stem, placing it on the counter.

“That’ll be four bits.” she says, and you reach into your pocket and pull out the bag Zecora had given you the previous day. You count out four bits, and the two of you exchange. You walk away, tucking the apple away until you’re finished smoking. You soon find yourself outside the bar and you sigh. You put out your cigarette and walk through the door, hoping Berry isn’t there today. She is, but to your relief she’s already hitting on someone. You chuckle lightly as you take the last open seat at the bar, next to a light blue unicorn mare with a silver mane, who seems to be passed out on the counter.

The bartender approaches, and you make the same order you did the other day. He brings you your drink, and the two of you chat for a while, exchanging names, talking about good times long past with friends you haven’t seen in years. You order another drink. He provides, then has to go attend to the other customers. The mare next to you, namely.

“Barkeep!” she yells drunkenly. “Get me another beer! I’m not drunk enough yet!” she says, and you swear that underneath the drunken slur, you hear a hint of sadness.

“Lass, I think you’ve had enough. Time for you to go home.” he says with the tone you’ve become accustomed to bartenders using; compassionate, but firm. She begins crying loudly, and you both sigh.

“You’ve done it now, Shamrock.” you say jokingly, and he just glares at you. He opens his mouth to say something, but is cut off by the mare.

“I don’t have a home to go back to!” she wails. “It was destroyed by that Ursa that came through, and I don’t have enough money to get it fixed!” she says, now crying harder, some of her tears falling in her glass. Shamrock finally gives in and gives her another drink, but the wailing doesn’t stop. “I used to be great and powerful! I used to have crowds of ponies, chanting my name! The great and powerful TRIXIE!” she yells, throwing her fore hooves wide, nearly falling off balance and to the floor. She regains her composure though, and continues drinking. “But now I’m here.” she continues, her tone quieter, more sullen. She sighs heavily. “Now I’m just a nopony, with no caravan, no friends, no fans… And spending the last of my bits on cheep beer.” she says, wiping a tear away before letting out a sad chuckle. “Oh, how the mighty have fallen.” she says. She opens her mouth to speak again, but you can’t take it anymore.

“If I fix your damn caravan, will you PLEASE quit your bitching!?” you ask, looking at her. She looks back at you, hope in her eyes. You sigh. ‘The shit I get myself into these days.’ you think to yourself.

“You’d do that?” she asks, putting a hoof to her chest. “For me?” you sigh and shake your head slightly.

“If it gets you to stop complaining about your problems and getting in the way of MY drinking, then yes, I will.” You say, finishing your drink. You’ve barely put it down when your tackled in a hug.

“THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!!” She yells before you both fall to the ground. You look at her angrily. She smiles sheepishly. “Um…. Sorry?” you shake your head slightly as you push yourself off the ground.

“So, where is this caravan of yours, anyway?” you ask as you place your bits on the counter and walk towards the door. She does the same and follows you out.

“Um….. That’s the thing… There’s kind of pieces of it everywhere..” she says, smiling sheepishly again. You face palm and shake your head.

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” you ask. She shakes her head. “Jesus fucking Christ, woman! You expect me to able to repair something that’s completely destroyed!? Are you THAT drunk, or are you just stupid?” you ask, and she shrinks away, wincing at your words. You sigh. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t get that worked up over this…. Listen, I’m not gonna make any promises, but I’ll see if I can just build you another one, okay?” you ask, calming down slightly. She smiles broadly, then jumps and wraps her fore hooves around your shoulders, thanking you profusely yet again.

“The shit I do for strangers…”

Finding your true calling Pt. 2/ Family problems

A/N: Alright everyone, the tally hasn't changed from the last chapter, so if you wish to place your vote, and haven't already, go to my blog post sometime before the next three or four chapters come up. Otherwise, enjoy!

You really can’t believe the situation you’re in as you walk into the carpenters shop. You blame the alcohol partially, though you hadn’t drank that much, but the rest of the blame falls on your nature. You’d always been one to help those who needed it most. Everyone in your town had known you as the local do-gooder, and deep down you knew that you’d agreed to help the mare known as Trixie because you couldn’t bear to see her in such a state of depression. You sigh as you walk through the door, shaking your head. “Hey there, how can I help you today?” asks the stallion behind the counter. He’s a unicorn, which doesn’t surprise you much. He has a dust brown coat, but a bright white mane, which seems a bit odd to you.

“Hey, I don’t suppose you sell blueprints here, do you?” you ask, not seeing any sign of them in the store. He nods a bit.

“Yeah, we got ‘em around here. What are you looking for?” he asks as he levitates a large box out from under the counter and opens it, looking at the labels that adorn the rolls of paper within.

“I need a blueprint and all the supplies needed to build a caravan. Nothing to fancy, large enough for one pony to store some things and maybe sleep in.” you say, remembering that Trixie had said she lived in her old caravan. The stallion nods slightly as he glances over a few rolls.

“Aha! Got it right here, medium sized caravan with built in bed. All you’d need after throwing it together is a mattress.” he says, levitating the blueprint in front of you. You take it with a nod. “As for the supplies, I’ll look out back, back I’m not gonna make any promises that we have everything. Wait right here.” he says, opening a back door and walking through as the scent of pine wood drifts into your nostrils. He closes the door again, and just as quickly as it came, the scent is gone.

You take this time to observe your surroundings, noticing the slight amount of saw dust on the white tile floor. You then turn your attention to the walls, which appear to be brick, and have pictures of who you assume to be past owners hanging upon them. Any further inspection is interrupted by the stallion coming back through the door.

“Well, looks like today is your lucky day, we have just enough for your little project.” he says as he approaches the counter and hit’s a few buttons on the cash register. “Your total comes to…. About one hundred and twenty bits.” he says looking up at you. You wince a bit at the price, but pull out your stash just the same. You open the small bag and look inside, not sure if you have enough. Seeing the worry on your face, the cashier sighs. “Alright, listen.” he says, his voice lowered a bit. “The boss would have my hide for this, but just give me what you’ve got and I’ll give you the stuff, alright?” he says. You smile and nod, handing him the bag. He tucks it away into the register and smiles. “Alright sir, I’ll have one of the new guys carry your stuff out for ya.” he says before looking of to one side. “HEY! SAWDUST! GET OUT HERE!” he yells.

A slightly smaller unicorn stallion steps out timidly. “Yeah boss?” he asks, sounding slightly frightened.

“I have some stuff stacked out back, I want you to carry it to wherever this gentleman tells you to, you understand?” he asks, a serious expression on his face. Sawdust just nods and rushes out the back door. “You go on out, he’ll meet you out front.” he says, to which you nod and walk out the door, surprised to find him already out there waiting for you, the supplies held in his magic.

“So, where are we going sir?” he asks. You simply point and walk, and he follows behind you. You walk to a relatively empty field, and motion for him to set everything down.

“Thanks for the help Sawdust.” you say, to which he extends a hoof.

“Not a problem sir.” he says as you take the hoof and shake it. You wave as he walks away, then roll out the blueprint, and start working.
**********************************

A few hours later, the sun is starting to set, and you’ve just finished the construction. You check to make sure you didn’t tighten the wheels too much, and find that you did. With a sigh, you kneel down and begin to loosen them until the wheels roll. You stand proudly, wiping the sweat from your brow.

You’re currently wearing nothing from the waist up except your undershirt, which is commonly referred to as a “wife-beater”, your jacket and button-up work shirt laying in the grass not to far away. You pack up the tools you used, throw your clothing over your shoulder, and begin to push the caravan car towards town. It moves smoothly, and you get to town with little trouble, save the occasional up-hill push. When you get to town, you receive a couple odd stares, but ignore them and continue pushing the car down the cobblestone streets, looking for the light blue mare you made it for. After a while of wandering aimlessly through town, you stop, slightly angered. “Where the hell is she?” you ask no one in particular.

You take a look around, and then spot the familiar coat hue of Trixie, and begin pushing the car towards her. As you get closer, you hear her talking to someone, the other pony obviously not in a good mood about something. You stop pushing the car, and approach on your own, seeing the stand-out mane of Rainbow Dash, hovering just above Trixie. “Is there a problem here?” You ask when the two mares are in ear shot. They both turn towards you with looks of shock on their faces.

Then Rainbow’s face turns to a scowl of contempt. “You bet there is! She brought an Ursa to town a while back!” she says accusingly before turning back to trixie. “You’ve got some nerve coming back here.”

“Hold on just one second…. The same Ursa that destroyed her caravan car?” you ask, holding your hands up in confusion.

“Yeah, how’d you know?” Rainbow asks, looking from Trixie to you and back again multiple times. “Have you two met already or something?”

“Yeah, we’ve met. Now, answer me this… Did she do it on purpose? Better yet tell me how, exactly, did she bring it here?” you ask, deciding that logic was probably the best way to settle this dispute.

“Well, uh, she was saying that she defeated an Ursa Major all on her own, so Snips and Snails had the great idea to go find one so she could prove it an-”

“Wait wait wait….. So she didn’t even actually bring the damn thing?” you ask, before letting out a small laugh. “Sounds to me like you’re chewing out the wrong pony, Rainbow. Sorry.” you say with a shrug. She gives you an evil glare before flying off. You then turn your attention to Trixie, who hugs you again before you can say anything, sobbing quietly onto your shoulder. “Whoa girl, it’s alright, it’s alright. Everything’s okay now.” you say after looking around awkwardly. You slowly close your arms around her as you shake your head. Comforting others had never been your strong point, so you have no idea how to handle the hysterical mare in your arms.

“I tried to say I was sorry, but she just kept yelling.” she says in between sobs. “She said such hurtful things.”

“Shh, it’s alright Trixie, she’s gone now.” you say as you pat her lightly on the back, looking around awkwardly for a way to get her off of you. “Hey, I got a surprise for you.” you say, to which she looks up at you, slightly confused. You point to where you’d left the car. She looks over and squeals with joy as she runs over to it.

“Oh my gosh, it’s better than my old one!” she exclaims, making you smile a bit.

“I just hope you didn’t blow all your cash on booze, cause you’re gonna need a bed too.” you explain as she steps inside. She looks out the window facing you with a large smile that makes you wonder if the word ‘impossible’ has any meaning in this world. She steps back out and walks briskly towards you.

“Thank you sooooo much!” she exclaims, throwing her hooves around you once again. You wonder if she’s this huggy with everyone, but only shake your head and smile, returning the hug. Helping her made you feel good. Like you were changing someone’s life for the better. And you were changing her life for the better. Now, once she bought a mattress, she’d have a place to sleep.

“It’s no trouble, really.” you say, rubbing her back slightly. “So, does this mean you’ll be moving on to the next town? Continuing the whole ‘Great and Powerful Trixie’ act?” you ask jokingly.

“I’ll stick around here for a while. See if I can make sure I’m more welcome next time I come to town.” she says with a laugh as she ends the hug. She looks at you with a meaningful look in her eyes and a smile. “Thank you, really, you have no idea how much this means to me.” she says, blushing slightly.

You kneel down to her level with a smile. “It’s no problem, really. Think nothing of it.” you say with a small chuckle. Trixie quickly leans in and gives you a quick kiss on the cheek then pulls back, blushing even brighter than before, then walks back to her new caravan car and pulls it away. You reach up to your cheek and sigh. You wonder if you should start over completely, start looking for love again, but shake the thought from your mind. ‘They may act like humans, but their still ponies.’ you think to yourself.

You stand back to your full height and put your jacket back on before pulling the apple out of its pocket and taking a bite. It still has its crunch, and it tastes better than any apple you’ve had before. With a smile on your face, you continue eating your apple and wander aimlessly around town, looking for something to do. You decide to simply relax for a while, and return to the park.

You walk slowly, your work shirt slung over your shoulder as you finish your apple and toss the core into a trash bin. When you get to the park, you soon find your bench, your guitar still sitting underneath it. You sit for a moment, simply taking in the sunset as it passes slowly by. You debate picking up your guitar, but decide against it, figuring that nopony would really appreciate it too much this late. You decide, instead, to light another cigarette.

“Hey.” Comes a familiar voice. You turn your head to see Berry standing not too far away. She doesn’t seem like she’s been drinking, which comes as a slight surprise for you.

“Hey.” you respond. She sighs shakily and takes a couple steps towards you.

“You said to be sober next time I talked to you, so here I am.” she says, shocking you further. You vaguely remembered saying something to that effect the last time the two of you spoke, but are more shocked that she remembers, considering the state she was in.

“So it seems.” you say, motioning for her to sit next to you as you slid over to make room. She nods, and takes the seat. “I have to admit, I didn’t think we’d be speaking again.” you say, causing her to sigh yet again.

“Yeah, me either.” she says with a sad chuckle. “So…. Are you really married?” she asks curiously. You hesitate before answering.

“I was.” you say sadly.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I’m not sure what went wrong, but I figured we’d pull through. We always did… But we never got the chance.” you say, inhaling deeply and letting the deadly smoke rest in your lungs for a moment before exhaling. “Getting killed tends to put any ideas of pulling through to rest.” you say matter-of-factly. She gasps slightly.

“You… died?” she asks. Instead of answering, you pull the collar of your undershirt low, revealing the scar made by the bullet that took your life.

“Nobody takes a bullet to the heart and lives, Berry.” you say, letting your collar move back to its original position. “Long story short, I want to fix things with my wife, but I can’t due to the fact that I’ll never see her again.” you say, feeling tears begin to well up in your eyes. “Life’s a bitch like that, ain’t it?” you say with a sad laugh.

“Ya got that right.” she replies sullenly. “My husband bailed after our daughter Ruby was born.” she says, now sounding angry. “Haven’t seen or heard from him since.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” you say, genuinely feeling sorry for her. You look up towards the sky for a moment before putting out your cigarette. “I’ve got a daughter too.” you say sadly. “I don’t want to imagine what she’ll grow up like without me there. Don’t get me wrong, I know I was never father of the year. I was always away on work, but whenever I came home I tried to be that dad that she could look back on when she’s successful.” you say with a sigh.

“It’s the attempt that counts.” she says, putting a comforting hoof on your shoulder.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” you say, looking up again. You can see the moon rising slowly over the horizon. “It’s getting late, you should probably be getting home.” you say. “Don’t want Ruby thinking you’ve forgotten about her, do you?” you say jokingly. She laughs slightly, but soon takes a more worried tone.

“Hey…. I know this probably sounds silly, but…. Could you walk me home? I’m afraid to walk alone in the dark.” she says with a sheepish smile. You chuckle lightly and stand up.

“Sure, it’s no problem.” you say, leaving your work shirt on the bench.

“Thanks Joe.” she says, though she still sounds afraid. You motion for her to take the lead, and she does after she gets off of the bench. She walks, looking over her shoulder now and again to make sure you’re still with her. She leads you to a part of town you haven’t seen before that reminds you of the more ‘ghetto’ parts of your home town. Now you understand why she’s uncomfortable walking alone at night.

The two of you get plenty of evil looks and snide comments, followed by the occasional threat or challenge directed at you, but a look is usually enough to silence them due to your superior size. You soon reach a rundown trailer, and Berry walks up to its door and pushes it open a bit.

“Ruby, I’m home, unlock the door.”

“No! you’re drunk again mommy, I know it!” comes the response from within.

“Ruby, I’m not drunk this time, I promise, now please unlock the door!” Berry says, raising her voice slightly.

“No! Not unless you can prove it!” you sigh.

“I think that’s my queue.” you say, stepping towards the door. “I think I can say, with more certainty than usual, that your mother is not drunk.” you say through the crack in the door. You look back to Berry, who has stepped back to allow you more room. She looks back at you, simply mouthing the words ‘thank you’.

“Wh-who’s there?” asks the voice in the trailer. You can vaguely see a small, bright pink unicorn.

“My name’s Joe. I’m a friend of your moms. You can trust me.” you say. You hear her mumble something, followed by hoof-steps towards the door. You back up, and soon hear the sliding of deadbolts. The door opens, and you see a slightly frightened unicorn filly standing in the doorway.

“You’re tall.” she says, making you laugh.

“I get that a lot.” you say back. You bid your goodbye’s, and Berry gives you a hug before you go. You soon find yourself back in the relative safety of the park, dead tired after the events of the day. You don’t even bother taking your jacket off, and simply lie down on your bench and fall asleep.

"Research"/ Dealing with a prankster pt. 2

A/N: I have no idea where this idea came from...... But I hope you enjoy it!

You awake the next morning to the sunshine crossing over your face, and sit up, grumbling about how this “Celestia” figure was just messing with you now. You rub the last bits of sleep from your eyes before opening them to find a mint green unicorn in front of you, watching you intently, a wide grin on her face.

“Um…. Can I help you?” You ask awkwardly, not knowing who she is, why she was there, or how long she’d been watching you.

In short, she scares you. A lot.

“Oh my gosh, I’m sorry!” she says, blushing deeply and putting a hoof to her mouth in what you guess is embarrassment. You wave off her concerns, and she seems to calm down a little. She takes a deep breath before speaking again. “Hi! I’m Lyra, we met outside the Mashed Mare a few days ago!” she begins, and you immediately hold up a hand to stop her.

“Wait…. ‘The Mashed Mare’?” You ask with a chuckle.

“Yeah, it’s the only bar in town.” she says slowly, seeming to contemplate your intelligence. You shrug.

“I never bothered to read the sign. So, what do you need?” you ask, slightly irritated at how early it seemed to be, and how often the locals seemed to need your help.

“Oh, straight to the point I see.” She says with a giggle. “Well, you see, I’ve been studying humans for years now, but there’s just too little information on your species since obviously there’s never been a human in Equestria before, so I was wondering if you would be so kind as to answer some questions for me!” she replies, seeming extremely elated. You look at her, dumbfounded at what you just heard.

“So let me get this straight….. There’s never been a human in Equestria before I showed up.”

“Right.”

“Then how have you been studying us? It seems kinda hard to study something that doesn’t exist in your world. It would be like me studying this princess Celestia I’ve heard so much about.” you say with a chuckle. She nods a bit, smiling sheepishly.

“I admit, it’s been hard, most of what I know is just rumors and conjecture. There’s a couple myths involving you’re species, but they’re just that. Myths. So, would you answer a few questions for me? Please?” she asks, looking at you pleadingly. She gives you the puppy dog eyes, and you break down.

“Fine.” you say with a sigh as you pull out your pack and light up again. “Ask away.”

“Alright, we’ll start with personal history. What is your full name?” she asks.

“Joseph Williamson.”

“Where were you born?”

“Charlotte North Carolina, united states.”

“Never heard of it, but that’s not surprising.” she says with a small giggle. “Age?”

“Thirty seven.” you say, getting tired of these seemingly pointless questions.

“Any family? Parents, siblings, spouse, anything like that?” she asks, making you sigh.

‘How many times do I have to go through this?’ you think to yourself. “I haven’t seen my parents in almost twenty years, I have a younger brother by the name of David, I’m married and have a three year old daughter.” you explain, your irritation obvious in your voice.

“It must be hard, being away from your family… I’m sorry.” she says, looking away for a moment. You wave off her concerns.

“I can deal with it. Thinking about it just makes it worse, so I don’t.” you say. She doesn’t seem convinced.

“Alright, anyway, last personal question, what was your occupation?” she asks, making you chuckle a little.

“I was actually a tech support guy for a big electronics company back home, called apple.” you say, remembering all the good times you’d had with your job back in the human world. She giggles a little bit.

“I have no idea what any of that meant, but a company called apple?”

“I know, right? Who names a company after a fruit!?” you ask with a laugh, and she begins to laugh with you.

“You’re funny, you know that?” she asks after the laughter dies down. You shrug.

“I get that a lot. I’ve also been called a smart ass, but what’s the difference?” she begins giggling again. Then she begins to ask you questions about your world. You don’t cover anything up. You tell her about war, about the poverty and homelessness seen throughout the world, about crime and drugs and what people will do to get them. She seems taken aback at what you tell her, but soon recovers from her initial shock.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that.” she says, still seeming shocked.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” you say, scrapping you cigarette across the ground to put it out.

“Why do you do that?” she asks, now giving you a confused look.

“Smoke?”

“Yeah.”

“Addiction. Stress relief.” you say before letting out a sad chuckle. “Who knows, maybe I’m just killing myself slowly on purpose.” she seems to be confused and horrified by very concept.

“Why did you start?” she asks, taking seat next to you. You shrug.

“I don’t know. It was the cool thing when I was a kid. It was also better for my life expectancy than doing some of the other shit that was popular back then.” you say with a laugh. “I may not have been immune to peer pressure, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew that most of that shit would mess me up for life, so I stayed away from it.” you say, looking towards the sky for a moment. “What time is it?”

“It’s about noon, I’d say.” she answers, to which you nod.

“Well I’m going to the bar now. I guess I’ll see you later Lyra.” you say as you stand and walk away. You hear her mutter something, but you can’t make out what. You brush it off as you get to the bar door, but realize that you might have bigger problems on your hands. You can hear arguing from inside the bar, and the crash of chairs falling over.

“I AM FINE, DAMMIT… I shwear ah’m not drunk dude, I I-I-I promise, ah‘m sorry.” you sigh, recognizing the female voice. You step inside to see the all too familiar gryphon stumbling around the room with a bottle in her claw. You shake your head.

“GET OUT YA TROUBLE MAKIN’ SHIT HEAD!” the barkeep yells at Gilda. You raise a hand for a moment.

“She’s with me Shamrock. Though I now wish she wasn’t.” you explain, muttering the last part under your breath. Gilda turns to face you and smiles broadly.

“JOE! Hey man, what’s up?” she asks, stumbling drunkenly towards you. “It’s been too long.” she says, slurring her words rather badly.

“Gilda…. How much have you had to drink today?” you ask, shaking your head as she throws an arm around your shoulder, now standing on her hind legs.

“Ah’m fffffiiiinnne, jeez bro, you should buy me dinner before getting up my ass.” she says with a wink. You sigh heavily.

“Gilda, I think you’ve had a bit too much.”

“Well I don’t think you’ve had enough, hot stuff.” she says with a giggle. “Let me buy you a drink.”

“You know I actually planned on drinking, but with how drunk you are I think I’ll pass this time.” you, brushing her arm away off your shoulder. “I also think you should go lay down for a bit, maybe drink some coffee.” you suggest, walking towards the door. You hear the sound of claws on wood as she scrambles after you.

“Hey man, come on, I’m just havin’ a bit of fun with ya, no need to get all pissy.” she says with a laugh as she cuts you off, standing between you and the door. She then gets a sly look in her eye, and it worries you slightly.

“Can I help you? If not, than I should be going.” you say, anger in your voice. She smiles slyly and places a claw on your chest.

“Oh, you can help me alright.” she says with a wink. In an instant, she has a grip on your shirt and pushes you roughly into a nearby wall, placing her other claw on your arm to prevent any kind of escape. “You can help me a lot.” she says with a giggle. Before you can respond, she shoves her beak up to your mouth, opening it slightly. Your eyes shoot wide open, both at how any beaked creature could manipulate their beak in such a way, it being almost as hard as rock, if not harder, and at what was happening. You hear her moan slightly as she begins to get into it, and soon feel her tongue force it’s way into your mouth. You begin to protest as best you can, and eventually she takes the hint and backs up, releasing her grip and taking multiple steps back, looking away in shame.

“What the FUCK WAS THAT!?” you ask as you wipe your mouth with your arm.

“I-I-I….” she stutters, blushing brightly. You don’t even know how such a thing is possible, but ignore it, considering the other impossible things you’ve seen in this world. “I…. I think I’ve had a bit too much to drink… I don’t know what happened, I’m sooo sorry Joe, I just…..” she groans, sounding angry for some reason, and then rushes out the door. You shake your head and then look at the barkeep.

“Thanks for the help.” you say sarcastically. He shakes his head.

“I’m in just as much shock as you, lad. Besides, not much I could’a done to help ya.” he says. You look at the horn on his forehead.

“Sure. Sure there wasn’t.”

He chuckles lightly. “Looked like you were enjoyin’ yerself lad. Didn’t think I should interrupt.” he says, breaking out into full blown laughter. You just sigh and shake your head as you walk out the door.

saying your goodbyes

You walk around town, mind occupied by what happened in the bar. ‘Why did she kiss me?’ you think to yourself as you wander aimlessly. You brush it off and blame her drunkenness. Then your mind wanders to other thoughts. You wonder what will become of your family now that you’re gone and can’t provide for them. You sigh heavily, but then something else grabs your attention.

“Joe!” You hear the familiar voice of Twilight call out. You look behind you to see her and Spike running towards you. You stop for a moment, letting them catch up. When they reach you, they’re both panting lightly, obviously not used to such physical exertion.

“What’s up guys? Is it really important enough for you to chase me down?” you ask with a chuckle. Twilight catches her breath and tells you something you never thought you’d hear.

“Yes, it is Joe…. I found a way to get you home!” she exclaims, sounding very excited. You stare at her in shock.

“You….. You did?” you ask, not quite believing her. She makes a sound that tells you everything you need to know. “It isn’t permanent, is it?”

“No, it isn’t…” she says, assuming a guilty look. “I’m sorry I got your hopes up like that. All I can do is give you enough time to say your goodbyes, and then you’ll come back here.” she says. You think about it, knowing that, in the end, you’d just come back to Equestria, but you’d at least get to see your wife one more time….

“Let’s do it.”
*************************

“Alright, now just lay down and try to relax.” she says as you lat down on a couch in what you assume is her living room. It’s hard to tell where the library ends and the house begins.

“Alright…… You’re sure this’ll work?” you ask, slightly nervous about the whole thing.

“Positive. Now remember, you won’t have a lot of time, so say what you need to say as soon as possible. I’ll try to give you as much time as I can, but this spell takes a lot of energy.” She says, to which you nod. You take a deep breath and close your eyes, and soon hear the sound of Twilight casting the spell.

And then nothing.

You float in darkness for a time, wondering just where and when you’ll end up. You see a light ahead of you, and move towards it until it is blinding.

And then you’re home. You look around at the familiar living room, allowing a slight smile to cross your face at the memories you’ve had there. You look down at yourself, half expecting to appear as a ghostly apparition, but find yourself to seem normal, as if you’d never died.

“Hello? Is someone there?” you hear a familiar female voice call out from the kitchen. You walk towards the voice, but no sound follows your foot steps. You turn a corner to see your wife, Deborah, washing dishes, apparently assuming no one was there.

“Deb!” you call out, overjoyed to see her again. She looks up from her work and goes pale, as if she’d seen a ghost.

“J-Joe? Is that really you?” she asks, and you can see tears welling up in her eyes, and feel them in your own.

“Y-yeah…. It’s me…. I’m sorry, but I don’t have much time.” you say, stating what you already knew right off the bat. She drops what she’s doing and rushes towards you, embracing you in a hug which you return.

“Oh my god, I missed you so much.” she says, burying her face in your shoulder. You rub her back, hoping to console her.

“I know…. I’ve missed you too.” you say, fighting your tears back while she lets hers go.

But they don’t wet your shirt. They fall straight to the floor. “Where have you been!?” she yells, hitting you in the chest, only to find her fist going straight through you. “W-What?”

“I…. I’m sorry.” You say, feeling tears rolling down your face. “I don’t have much time to be here. I came back to say goodbye and that…. I’m so sorry for the way I was…” you say, feeling the guilt come back full force.

“No, don’t be sorry…. I should be the one apologizing….” she says between sobs. For a moment you’re confused, but then she pulls your head close and whispers something into your ear. Something that fills you with rage and sorrow at the same time. You’re about to say something, about to vent your rage on the nearest person, but then you feel a tug, and everything begins to fade. “I’m so sorry.” is the last thing you hear before your world is enveloped in darkness once again.

You bolt upright, panting and sweating as if you’d just awoken from a nightmare. You look around, forgetting where you are for a moment, but soon remember that you’re with Twilight at the library. You hear heavy panting from your left, and look to see the lavender colored pony, clearly exhausted. Ignoring her, you walk towards the door, with one destination in mind.

“Where are you going?” You hear Twilight ask as you near the door.

“To the bar. I need a few drinks.” You say, your voice monotone as you open the door and walk away.

When you reach the bar, it’s relatively empty, save for a few regulars. You find Berry there again, and choose to sit next to her.

“Hey Joe.” she says as you take your seat and the barkeep begins getting your usual drink.

“Hey Berry.” is all you say in response, not exactly in the mood for conversation.

“What happened to you?” she asks, noticing your change in demeanor.

“Just learned something I would rather not have known.” You say as your drink is served and you begin to drink.

“Which was what?” she asks. Her persistence begins to grate on your nerves, making you more irritable than you already were.

“I’d rather not talk about it right now. Maybe after a couple more drinks.” you say, making her laugh slightly.
******************
ONE HOUR LATER
******************

You cry into your drink, pouring your heart out to everyone in the bar. “And you know what she tells me? She says ‘Jenny isn’t your daughter, she’s David’s.’! That bitch was cheating on me with my brother all along, and I ended up raising his fucking kid!” you yell through your sobs, slamming a fist down on the counter, spilling some of your drink. You hear various ponies throughout the room murmur apologies and sayings to the effect of ‘life’s a bitch’. You continue drinking, ordering the strongest alcohol the have. You get three shots in, and then black out.

You wake up the next morning with a splitting headache, and a bed beneath you. You’re confused about your surroundings, looking around with hazy vision. You rub your eyes and your vision clears, revealing the interior of a trailer. You groan, but soon hear a happy sounding moan from your right. You look over to find yourself in bed with Berry, and begin to panic. You lift the covers to find yourself completely naked.

With a condom on.

Next to Berry.

You groan again, knowing for a fact what happened last night.

“Shiiiiiiiiit.” you say, and you hear her slowly start to wake up.

“WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?!?!?”

A/N: Needed an interesting way to break the species barrier, so I thought 'what better way than to get completly hammered?'. and thus, you had drunk sex with Berry Punch, in case you couldn't figure that out. Hope you enjoyed it! The story, not the sex. I know you enjoyed that.