Present Tense

by PresentPerfect

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 5114

Twilight seeks help translating a book from a lovesick pegasus and things just get worse from there.

When Twilight finds a spellbook written in an ancient, obscure language, she seeks help from the local translator and gets caught up in his madcap, lovesick escapades to win Fluttershy's heart! Who will survive?

Artwork by Anjila.

Published 2012-02-06 02:36:41 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-06 02:36:41 UTC

Present Tense

Present Tense
by Present Perfect

"Spike, you're sure this is the book?"

"As sure as I can be!"

"And you're sure that there's absolutely nothing in this library that explains how we're supposed to read this?"

"Give me a break, Twilight, I've been looking for four days! There isn't a single book here about languages, or translations, or anything!" He yawned, turning towards the stairs. "And on that note, I'm bushed. I'm gonna take a nap."

"But I have to be able to read this passage or I'll never finish the feasting spell for my midterm! Oh, what am I supposed to do?"

Spike shrugged. "Try the library in town. It couldn't hurt."

"Spike, I don't think that the Ponyville Public Library has any books on ancient runic languages..." But it was no use arguing. He was either asleep, or faking it, and there was no hope of getting a response either way.

With no better plan at the moment, Twilight Sparkle loaded the mystery book along with her spellbook, just in case, into her saddlebags and set out for Ponyville.

The library was located on the opposite side of town from her house, unfortunately, and by the time she arrived, she was feeling a little less than cheerful. The building housing it was enormous, old brickwork, and stood out from most of the other buildings in town. A bronze plaque on the mammoth oaken doors declared the building to have been donated by the Rockefoaller foundation, many decades ago. The hinges moaned ominously as she pushed her way in. She paused and drew in a breath of the heady interior air, rich with worn leather and book dust, as her eyes adjusted to the gloomy interior. The crystal chandeliers hanging from the vaulted ceiling were the first feature she noticed. The floor was carpeted in a rich, warm, maroon. Bookcases lined the walls, stacked to the brim with tomes, and made her feel right at home. Best of all, it was quiet. For being in a small, out of the way town like Ponyville, this library was impressive. She thought she might have to start spending more time here.

Not sure where to begin, she approached the large circular desk that commanded most of the view from the entranceway. Behind it sat a black-maned mare, her fur nearly the same color as the carpeting. She was conversing quietly with a gray pegasus stallion with black wings, who noticed Twilight approaching and stepped aside.

"Go ahead," he whispered, "we're just chatting."

She smiled at him and turned to the library mare, who gave her a warm smile.

"Hello, how may I help you?"

Twilight produced her mystery book and laid it on the desk. "I need help translating a passage from this. I don't have the resources to do it myself, so I thought asking here might be a good idea."

The mare pushed her red-rimmed spectacles up her nose and said, "We do have some books on translating, as well as language reference dictionaries. What language is it you're looking for exactly?"

"That's just the thing; I don't know what language it is."

The colt suddenly cleared his throat, drawing Twilight's attention. "Umm, I, err..."

The librarian mare cast a disparaging glance his way. "I think he's implying that he might be able to help you."

"You could?"

"Yeah, um, well," the colt stammered. "I might be able to identify the language, if you don't mind me taking a look."

"Not at all, please do!" She opened to the passage and held it up for him. His eyes scanned the page, then widened.

"I am eighty percent certain I know what this is," he said excitedly. "If I'm right, I could translate this for you back at my place!" He grinned at her hopefully.

"Wow, really? What luck! I'd so appreciate it if you could!" She turned to the librarian mare and added, "Sorry, it looks like I didn't need the library's help after all."

The mare smiled. "It's all right. He needs the practice." She gave the colt a glare and raised one of her hooves at him in a baffling gesture. "Don't screw this up!"

The colt stuck his tongue out at her, then turned and nodded to Twilight. "C'mon, I don't live too far." He trotted off before she could respond, leaving her to catch up.

He didn't say anything after that. The silence emanating from the pegasus was altogether unsettling. Twilight couldn't tell if he didn't want to talk to her, or just didn't know what to say. After letting a long while pass, she finally decided to speak up.

"I'm Twilight Sparkle, by the way. What's your name?"

He jumped as though he'd forgotten she was there. "Oh, sorry. I'm Present Perfect. You can call me Present. And that library mare back there was Primary Source. We're friends." Then he did a double take. "Say, you're not the Twilight Sparkle, are you?"

"Umm, I guess I am, why do you ask?"

"Whoa, that is so cool! I just want to thank you for saving us from that Ursa thing way back when." He pranced in a circle, then struck a pose with both wings and one hoof stuck out. "I'm totally walking with somepony famous!"

She gave him a nervous look. "Umm, you're welcome, I guess. I wouldn't say I'm famous, though." Hastily, she changed the subject. "So, you're a translator?"

"Yeah. I guess you could say it's my talent."

"It... must be interesting."

"Not really." He paused long enough that she almost said something, but he cut her off. "It's not all that impressive, either. I mean, you can do magic and stuff. Primary helps ponies find information in the library's stacks. But nopony really cares if you're good with languages."

"Well, that's not true; I care! I mean, if I hadn't run into you just now, I'd have been searching that library for weeks!"

He smiled. "Oh, yeah, I guess so. Well, here we are! C'mon in."

They had stopped behind a building, the front of which she recognized as Quills and Sofas. In front of them stood a door with the name "PERFECT TRANSLATION" written on the window in block lettering, and just below that, in smaller letters, "Present Perfect, Professional Translator".

"So you run a business, then?"

"In a manner of speaking. I hate to admit it, but you're my first customer. Ever."

She raised an eyebrow at that. Was this going to be a waste of time after all? Suddenly, she was not looking forward to this.

With a sigh, she followed him up a flight of stairs to the second floor, where he let her in to a cramped room. It was blue -- very blue -- and decorated with a desk, a hassock, a passel of bookshelves, and a table off to one side that was covered in random bits of junk. A closer inspection revealed that the bits were all arranged by height, and that no two things on the table were the same despite there being dozens upon dozens of things there. She decided to ignore the table and comment on the bookshelves instead.

"Sorry for asking, but why aren't there any books on the top shelves? You're a pegasus, after all, shouldn't you be able to fly up there and reach them?"

Present shrugged. "Afraid of heights." He nudged the hassock over for her to sit on, then began searching the shelves. "So, if I'm right, then that book -- or at least that passage -- is written in Ancient Brahman. It could be Old Dromedary, mind you, they borrowed the writing system from the Brahmans, but... ahh, here it is!" He nipped a volume down off the shelf and flopped it open on the desk. Twilight got out her book and opened it to the passage for comparison. Present scanned it two or three times, then pointed to a rune.

"Hah, I was right! Old Dromedary lost a number of runes when they borrowed the orthography. This passage starts with Thnawg, that's a clear sign of Ancient Brahman!"

"Borrowed the... what?"

"Oh, sorry. I guess I'm just excited! I've never gotten to do this before; it's like my whole life's work has finally been validated!"

Twilight gave him a look. "I'm happy for you, really. But can you translate it?"

"Sure I can! I mean, most likely I can; I'm not really fluent in Brahman, but with this book, I should do all right. This isn't, err, something like a ritual incantation, where the wording has to be precise or it'll make your head explode, is it?"

Her eyes widened. "I don't think so. It's a piece of a puzzle, the end result of which should be a new spell. I think I just need the gist of it, really."

"Awesome! I will get this done for you right away. Why don't you come back in say, an hour?"

Twilight let out a sigh of relief. "You have no idea how big a help this is. Thank you so much, really. What do I owe you?"

"Owe me? You? No, no, perish the thought!"

"Come on, I can't accept your work for free! I mean, if your business is that bad..."

He held up a hoof. "I'll do it for two favors."

She paused, startled at his insistence. "Favors? Sure, what can I do?"

"First, loan me this book? I want to translate the whole thing once I've gotten this passage done. I might be able to publish the translation, and besides, it'll be fun!"

"Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm sure having it all translated will be helpful. And the other favor?"

Present glanced right, then turned his eyes suspiciously to the left. He waved her closer and leaned in towards her. Twilight noted that they were the only two ponies in the room at the moment.

"Aren't you friends with... Fluttershy?"

She gave him a look. "Ye-e-es... Why do you ask?"

He grinned.

"Can you introduce me?"

MY LITTLE PONY, MY LITTLE PONY
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH...

Twilight sat back, considering the request she'd just been given and feeling a little uneasy about it.

"Well, I guess I could introduce you. She usually comes into town on Fridays to shop. You could meet her then, and..."

"No!" The grey colt sprung up onto the desk and fixed her with an intense, nervous gaze. "No, no, no, it can't just happen like that! No, it has to be perfect!"

"Say what?"

"Fluttershy isn't the kind of mare you just... spring something like this on! She's so delicate, so... shy! So beautiful... Care must be taken! I have to come up with the perfect plan before I approach her! It has to be perfect!" He was gesticulating wildly, and she had to duck wild swings every now and then. By the time he finished ranting, he was panting and staring off into space.

"Umm... oh-kay, then. You come up with a plan, and I'll do what I can to help you meet her."

He grinned. "Thank you, Twilight Sparkle. You're the best!"

Twilight had a weird feeling all the way back to the library, and spent the whole time wondering what she'd just gotten herself, not to mention Fluttershy, into. She shook it off at long last, only to replace it with guilt over her reason for return.

"Hello," said the reference mare cheerfully, "it's nice to see you again so soon!"

Twilight smiled. "Present Perfect said he'd take care of the translation, but I felt bad for not actually using the library. To be honest, I didn't even know this place was here until today."

"Well, we are located out of the way. Maybe we should do some more advertising. Either way, how can I help you?"

"I wanted to see if I could get a library card."

"Certainly! I'll help you sign up!" She ducked behind the desk for a moment, popping back up with a camera around her neck. "All you have to do is write your name on a card, and we'll put a picture of your cutie mark on the reverse side, to help with identification."

She wrote her name on the little card while the reference mare took a photo of her flank. "Wow, that's really simple! I wish I'd come here months ago!"

"Now, this will take a little time to process, miss--" she looked over her glasses at the signature-- "Twilight Sparkle. But you'll be able to check out books in the meantime, if there's anything you were looking for."

"I don't think so, thank you, but I'll definitely come back whenever I can't find what I need in my own library."

The other mare's ears perked up. "You have a library?"

"Well, yes. It was loaned to me when I moved here from Canterlot. I'm studying magic, so all the books that I used at school had to come with me. There's really an awful lot."

"What I wouldn't give for access to a collection like that..."

"Well, why not? Maybe we could work something out."

"I'll have to talk with Mr. Book, the head librarian, but I'm sure he'd be really open to the idea!"

Twilight nodded. "Your name is Primary Source, right?"

"Yes, it is..." The mare's expression turned wary. "What did Present tell you?"

"Nothing bad, I assure you."

"Ugh." She shuddered. "I don't know why I hang out with that foal. He's such a weirdo."

"Aww, you shouldn't say things like that about your friends. He's not so bad."

"No, really, he'd be the first to agree with me."

"Maybe he likes you."

"What, like likes me? Hardly. He can't shut up about stupid Fluttershy sometimes."

Twilight stayed quiet at that.

"Wait," Primary said after a moment, "what'd he tell you?"

"He just said that you're friends."

"And...?"

Twilight sighed. "And, as a favor for him translating my book, he wants me to introduce him to Fluttershy, since she's my friend."

Primary blustered. "Oh that little... Why, the nerve... If I ever get my hooves on him, I'll..."

"Whoa, calm down!"

"I can't believe he'd do something so boneheaded, taking advantage of your friendship like that!"

"I have to admit, it is a little weird..."

"I'm not gonna let him get away with it."

Twilight held up her hooves. "Wait, don't! What I mean is, I did sort of promise I'd help him. He's going to come up with a 'plan'; he says everything has to be 'perfect' before he meets her. All I'm going to do is introduce them."

The library mare scowled. "A plan? He's never going to come up with a plan on his own, he doesn't know the first thing about mares! Ugh! He's going to need help, as usual. And where better to get help than from his dear friend Primary?" She sighed. "Wait here a sec."

Twilight knew she was in way over her head, but it was too late to back out now. She watched as the mare trotted over to a section of shelves, browsed them, and returned with a book, laying it on the desk. From the cover, a very suave stallion surrounded by an entire squadron of cartoon hearts grinned up at her. Twilight read the title aloud.

"'Dolt to Colt: How to Win the Filly of Your Dreams' by... Don Casanova?"

Primary grinned at her. "He wants a plan? This has plans. It's only Equestria's most highly rated book on how to pick up mares!"

"I dunno, it sounds a little... fishy to me."

"It was recommended in a library journal," she said, as if that explained everything. "Trust me, he's just the dolt this book was made for. And after all," she added, looking over her glasses at Twilight, "as his friend, it's my duty to help him out with relationship problems. Whether he needs it or not."

"So you want me to follow the advice in this book?" Present glanced nervously back and forth between the two mares in front of him.

"Oh yes," said Primary in a sugary voice, "it will tell you everything you need to know about landing whatever hot filly comes your way."

"We took a look at it... well, Primary did, and she picked out a few things that she thinks will help you impress Fluttershy." Not that Twilight was entirely sure about how well they would work.

"Let's start with the advice section." Primary held up the book in front of Present's nose. "'Don Casanova's Filly-Finding Tip #1: Use your poet's soul to win her heart.' You're good at writing poetry: all you have to do is read her some!"

Present's eyes got wide. "Nonononono, I couldn't do that! My work? It's nowhere near good enough! I couldn't! That's just crazy!"

Primary gave Twilight a glance that read, 'I knew that wouldn't work.'

"Uhh, well, since you're good with languages," Twilight said, "why not try foreign poetry?"

Present trotted in place. "That's an excellent idea! Let me think... I'm pretty sure I've got a book of poetry somewhere in here..."

The two mares ducked to the side as the grey colt brought out a long stepladder from a storage closet and proceeded to knock dust off the topmost books as he searched. After much coughing and sneezing from the three of them, he proclaimed, "Ah-hah! I thought so!" and descended, book in mouth.

"Here it is! '101 Greatest Donkey Love Poems'. Let me see, my Donkey is kind of rusty, but here goes..."

Primary and Twilight exchanged horrified looks.

"Wait, Donkey?"

"I don't think that's such a good..."

The room filled with ear-splittingly loud braying. The two mares hit to the floor and jammed their hooves into their ears until the noise had at last come to an end.

"How was it? The trick with Donkey, you see, is that the volume of the utterance is directly related to intention, so it's important to..."

Primary cut him off. "You want some advice? Don't read that to her. Or anypony. Ever!"

"So, why are we up here again?" Present was gazing out the window of the highest bell tower in Ponyville, atop the library. His knees were shaking.

"It's in the book," said Twilight. "Tip #2: Impress Her With a Feat of Derring-Do!' ...Derring-do? What exactly is that supposed to mean?"

Present tore his eyes away from the great height. "You know, like feats of strength! Agility! Athleticism! Something manly and exciting!"

Primary clucked her tongue. "You? Manly? Please."

Present held his hooves up in a very unimpressive display of machismo. "If it's to impress the love of my life, I'll be the manliest stallion to ever trot through Ponyville!"

Primary huffed and walked over behind him. "All right then, Atlas! You said you wanted to be manly, so do some derring-do already! Twilight, get the window, would you?"

"Wait, what are you doing? I don't like where this is-- HEY!"

Twilight opened the window just as Primary butted her head against Present's rump and began pushing him forward. He did his best to keep all four hooves nailed to the floor, but she had gotten the jump on him, and as he scrabbled across the floor, it seemed as though he'd be getting a jump all his own.

"Couldn't I just do something safer? Closer to the ground maybe? Arm wrestling? Jumping jacks? How about chess?"

"You're a pegasus, she's a pegasus! If you're gonna impress her, this is the best way! Now flap those wings and fly!"

As the mare pushed him out the window, Present shouted, "But I can't flyyyyy!" The shout faded as it descended toward earth, where it was followed by a muffled thud. At least there had been trees in the way. Primary smirked and closed the window primly.

Twilight sighed. "Well, at least he has one thing in common with Fluttershy."

"Tip #6: Buy That Mare Flowers; Mares Love Flowers.' Ugh," Twilight said, sticking her tongue out, "who writes like that, seriously?"

"Highly recommended," Primary reminded her.

"Well, that sounds easy enough. Not to mention safe." Present was still limping around from his fall, covered in scratches, bruises, and bandages.

Thank Celestia he didn't break anything.

They went to Daisy's boutique, where Primary helped him pick out a suitable ensemble. Twilight had to admit, the mare had excellent taste; the end result was absolutely gorgeous. Present paid for the flowers, and they stepped out into the afternoon sun.

"Those smell wonderful," Twilight remarked. "I'm sure Fluttershy will love them!"

"Yeah, this was a great idea, Twi-- high-- WHACHOOO!" Petals scattered into the street.

"Oh geez."

"Present, are you okay?"

"Ugh, I'b allergic," he said, sniffling. "Dis is doh good. She ca'd see be lig dis!" He sneezed again.

Primary suddenly straightened and asked, tensely, "Did either of you start humming just now?"

"No, I don't think so. Why?"

All three of them stood stock still, listening. An low hum filled the air. It grew louder, and closer, and louder still. Suddenly, Present threw the bouquet up in the air.

"Bees!" he screamed. "Run!"

The two mares needed no extra warning. The trio took off down the street, just as an enormous swarm of bees dove out of the sky. Dashing headlong through downtown Ponyville, they dodged around blind corners and upended an apple cart in their effort to escape the maddened horde. No matter how they weaved or darted, they could not shake the swarm. The intense hum of the combined mass of bees bore into their minds, making them panic even more.

"Quick! The creek!"

They made for the outskirts of town, following the dirt path to where it crossed Ponyville's sole waterway, and dove underneath the bridge. They held their breaths, ducking beneath the water as the bees circled overhead. After a few long, tense moments, the swarm formed into a question mark, then an exclamation point, and finally left.

"Well, that went great," Twilight groused.

Present shrugged. "Well, at least I won't bee sneezin' anymore!"

Primary dunked him in the creek.

The rest of the afternoon continued in much the same way, without success. Sopping wet, they crossed off flowers and went on to Tip #8: Bake Somethin', Ya Jerk. Pinkie Pie was only too happy to let them into Sugarcube Corner's kitchen.

That is, she was happy until Present managed to spill mayonnaise all over the floor, lost track of time while cleaning it up, and let the cupcakes burn. As the kitchen filled with thick black smoke and Pinkie applied the fire extinguisher, Twilight herded them out. On the way out, Mrs. Cake politely requested that Twilight not bring her new friends back for a while.

Twilight used Rarity's gem-finding spell to help with Tip #10, and found some jewels that Present thought would make a nice necklace. But the bees chose that moment to wreak their vengeance upon the trio, and they all ended up in the creek again. The ruse worked a second time around, but they misplaced the jewels in the interim. Upon finally tracking them down, they turned up being digested in Spike's tummy.

Present got fed up and tried the flower thing again, looking for something a little less bee-attracting. He showed up out of nowhere while Twilight and Primary were deciding between trying musical performance or mud wrestling, with a big grin and a hoof-full of Poison Joke.

Twilight dropped the book. "Present, no, that's..."

"Pretty, huh? And the best part is, they aren't actually flowers, they're decorative leaves, so no bees, no allergies! What are you both staring at?"

What they were staring at was his head: it was puffing up like a big, grey, shiny balloon.

"Guys? My head feels weird, what's go--AGH!" His head suddenly became too heavy for his neck to hold, and he toppled over to the ground. "Help!"

Primary looked at Twilight, agog. "I have no words."

Twilight shook her head and sighed as Present futilely kicked his hooves in the air. "Let's get dragging. I'll have to find my copy of Super Naturals..."

Sitting in a warm tub full of the herbal Poison Joke remedy, his head back to normal, Present Perfect sighed.

"It's no use, that book is junk." He splashed the water angrily. "I'm never going to come up with the perfect plan this way! What am I supposed to do now?"

Twilight give Primary a look. She nodded. "Well, you could always try being yourself."

The colt looked at them much in the same way they had looked at him about half an hour ago, in the throes of the Poison Joke.

"Be myself? What the heck is that supposed to mean?"

Primary glowered at him. "It means, doofus, that you just go up to her, tell her your name, and get on with things like a normal pony! No showing off, no trying to be something you're not or doing things you aren't good at. It isn't that hard to figure out!"

Present sank down into the water. "But... I wanted everything to be perfect..."

"It's not going to be perfect, don't you get it?" Primary's shouting only made him sink down further. "Just talk to the girl already, that's all anypony really asks for!" She was panting and grinding her teeth together.

Unsure what to do at this point, Twilight stayed back and let the two of them have it out. She just hoped nothing got broken.

"Fine then," Present said at last, "I'll talk to her. But I'm telling you, it's not going to work. Twilight?"

"Okay, I'll get her. You'd better dry off first."

Luckily, Fluttershy had come into town on an errand that afternoon. After some cajoling and a far-out promise to help her clean up an abandoned bear cave, Twilight got her to come along, and they all met back up in the town square. There was an awkward moment as they all stared at each other, until Primary gave Present a kick in the flank. Screwing up his courage, Present took a step towards Fluttershy. She shrank back. He smiled. She looked unsure.

"Umm, hi, Fluttershy," he said at long last, "my name's Present Perfect. It's nice to meet you. Twilight's told me a lot about you, and, uh, I think we might have a lot in common, so, uh, I wondered, that is, if you wouldn't mind..."

Primary gave him another kick, and he spat out the rest of his sentence as one word.

"WouldyouwannagototheCenterStageconcertwithmenextweekend?"

Fluttershy squeaked. She bit her lip. Her face turned beet red. "Um... I..."

And then she turned tail and galloped away.

There was a pause, as they watched the mare vanish swiftly over the horizon, and then Present sat down with a heavy sigh. "Well, that's that, I guess."

Twilight tried to give him a cheerful smile. "Well, at least you tried, without being anything but who you are. Not everything can work out for the best."

The colt returned her smile fleetingly and sighed again.

"Well, I for one am glad this is over," Primary said. "Haven't I always tried to tell you that this Fluttershy thing was a complete waste of your time? You never listen to me!"

"You're right, Primary," Present said slowly, rising to his hooves. "I should have listened to you from the start. I guess sometimes, I just have to learn things the hard way."

"That is the most irritating thing about you!"

He smiled at her lopsidedly. "You know, when I think about it, you've been a really good friend to me lately. I mean, except for pushing me out the window. But even then, you were trying to teach me something. Would, uh... would you want to go to the concert with me?"

Primary narrowed her eyes at him. She very slowly walked up to him, then threateningly pressed her forehead against his. The colt withered under her stare. Her voice was dark and icy.

"Ask me again when I'm not sloppy seconds." With a huff, she turned tail and sauntered away.

Present looked at Twilight with an expression of panic. The mare just shrugged at him. "I think there's a lesson you're supposed to learn here."

Present groaned. "What, you mean, 'nopony likes Present Perfect?'"

Twilight made an exasperated sound. "Not if you keep saying things like that they won't! Look, I think you're taking everything out of proportion here. This is not the end of the world." She cast a deliberate look at the retreating Primary Source. "Maybe, it's the start of a whole new one. If you stop overreacting to everything and just... be yourself."

The grey colt followed her gaze. Then he seemed to get it. Perking up, he trotted after his friend, pausing to send a smile back Twilight's way. "Thank you, Twilight! Hey Primary, wait up! I feel kind of bad for making you put up with my shenanigans all day. Why don't we go get something to eat, huh? My treat!"

As the two ponies moved out of sight, Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. Some ponies were simply trouble. She turned and headed home, composing a letter to the princess in her head.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that if you want somepony to like you, you have to like yourself first. Nopony wants to be friends with a pony who's always putting himself down. Appreciate the friends you have, love yourself, and you'll have all the friendship you could possibly want! It may not be an easy thing to do, but the results are certainly worth it!

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

This was my first pony fanfic, so of course I went the author self-insert route. I wrote it during season one, under the assumption that Twilight's library was in fact her own personal library, imported from Canterlot, and not the Ponyville library. Word of Faust later contradicted this assumption, but here you go! I'm posting this for posterity's sake, not because I think it's necessarily good. :V That said, while I normally appreciate critique, any given to this story will be wasted, because this is long past improving.

Should I ever write another fic about Present Perfect (and I have ideas! also sequels for this!), it won't be in this same universe, if only because my relationship with the person off of whom the other OC is based has since ended.

Lastly, I'll keep my original notice of thanks to Nickel Vision and Shimmer of Derpychat for their help.