Testamintin'
by Present Perfect
So, I figure, if'n I gotta croak and leave all my worldly possessions to all y'all, then y'all're gonna get some choice words alongsides. This is a last will and testament, of course, so I aims to do some testamintin'!
Firstly, to my younger son, Shepherd Ezekiel Pie, I bequeath the business dealings of the Pie estate, and all money matters therein entailed, etc. etc. With that out the way, I got a few things to say to y'all. It's high time you bucked up and had yourself a family! Ain't nopony knows how much time I got left on this earth, and nothin' would make your dear, sweet momma happier than some grandfoals! Y'all got the head for business deals, but you ain't never had a heart for nopony. Well, just you heed your poor momma's almost-a-dyin' words and find yourself a mare right hasty-like! Don't gimme no words otherwise, just do it already! Ponies talk.
To my elder son, Mutton Hezekiah Pie, the words're comin' first. How I done raised such a dull, uncreative, uninteresting son I will never understand. Y'all are the most boring pony I ever had the misfortune to know in my life! However, I know y'all mean well at heart, and while you maybe ain't as good with money as your brother, y'always did have a knack for farm work. So that's why I'm bequeathin' y'all the land from the Pie homestead. I'm sure you 'n yours'll find some excellent rocks to harvest there, and I do honestly wish you the best. I just wish y'all would lighten up and learn to have a little fun sometimes!
To my daughter-in-law, Roxy Pie, I leave my finest dresses. I hope they bring some color into your dull and dreary existence. Y'all're just as boring as your husband, and you two deserve each other. I only regret that my grandfillies have had to be raised by you.
Speakin' o' which, to Blinkabeth Hester Pie I leave my entire library of books. Y'all got a good head on your shoulders, kiddo, and while I'm afraid y'all're just gonna follow in your daddy's footsteps and take over the farm one day, the least you can do is expand your mind in the meantime.
To the next youngest, Inketta Octavia Pie, I leave my baby grand piano, my double bass, and my cello. Go ahead and try 'em all out and see which one you like best. Y'all're about the age I was when I learned to play, and my only hope is that y'all won't let your talents go to waste. Knock 'em dead, sugar!
Finally, to my youngest grandfilly, Pinkamina Diane Pie... y'always were my favorite. Not just because y'all got my name as well as my coloration, mind. I know what it's like, not fittin' in with nopony, and I always kinda felt like you needed a little extra care 'cause of your fears and all. Now don't deny it; I seen you, hidin' under your bed at night when I come 'round to visit. Y'all are afraid of your own shadow, sometimes. But hidin' ain't the way to deal with your fears. Pinkie, you gotta stand up tall and learn to face 'em. Soon you'll see they can't hurt you none. You gotta learn to laugh -- though Celestia knows that ain't easy considerin' who your parents are -- that's the sure-fire ticket to chase your fears away! So that's why I'm leavin' y'all the rest of my instruments: tuba, banjo, accordion, washboard, cymbals and harmonica. I think your sister may have the real raw musical talent, but you're gonna learn how to have fun, if I have any say! Funnin' don't take no talent. In addition, I'm also leavin' you my record collection. It's mostly oompah music and band marches, but maybe it'll help you figure out how to have a real hoof-smackin' good time.
Last and most certainly least, to my one and only good-for-nothin' daughter, Mince Alberta Pie, I leave nothin' but the image of my rear leg kickin' your hindquarters! I told y'all I'd cut you out of my will if'n you ran off with that hotshot pegasus! This is me livin' up to my word, so help me. Good riddance!
Well, that sure felt good. I hope all y'all remember your momma 'n granny with love and kindness in your hearts, but if'n y'all don't, I ain't gonna hold it against y'all.
I, of sound mind and body, do hereby declare this to be my final will 'n testament, on this day, yadda yadda, hereby undersigned,
Pinkamina Ernestine Pie
Author's Note
This was my second fanfic, too short for EQD, so I'm putting it here. I tried to explain a few things from the show circa season 1, while crafting a solid voice. I may revisit this in the future, so critique is not unwelcome.