The Replacement Letters

by Ellington

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 10995

I have a device that allows me to travel through the TV, and I'm using it to get Twilight in trouble by hacking the letters that are sent to Celestia through Spike and replacing them with these monstrosities

I'm a human living in the real world and I have a device that allows me to travel through the TV, and I've been using it to get Twilight in trouble by hacking the letters that are sent to Celestia through Spike and replacing them with these monstrosities. Ain't I a stinker? These are the very letters that are sent to Celestia instead of the ones from the show, and now I'm sharing them with the world to laugh.

Try to picture the look on Celestia's face when she reads these, it's priceless. I'm not going to show or tell, you'll have to picture it yourself.

Remember, these are likely to contredict themselves, these letters are sent out (not written) by the one their presumed to be from.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-26 20:51:08 UTC

The Ticket Master

Dear Princess Celestia

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU! You give me tickets to the biggest event of the year, but you give me only TWO tickets! Do you have any idea what I've been through today? I was chased by a whole town of ponies, A WHOLE TOWN OF PONIES!

Also, you've never invited me before. I've been your student for years, and yet you never invited me to the Gala until now. A while ago you whined that I didn't have any friends, well what do you know, when you DO invite me you treat me like if it's some kind of joke. Don't you know that I was almost killed by over anxious townsponies.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Here're those death traps of tickets that I never want to see again, and if you try to suck up to me by giving me more tickets I'll personally go down to Canterlot and shove them up your nose.

Applebuck Season

Dear Princess Flankhead

My crazy hic friend Applejack actually tried to harvest 10 square miles of apple trees on her own. Can you believe THAT? What a work aholic. She has a little sister to force to do the work and yet she tried to do it on her own, AND at the same time, practically run the whole town. She almost killed dozens of ponies with worm-muffins 'YUCK". I asked and begged to help her, I actually felt so sorry for her that I actually BEGGED to WORK, ME work on a farm, the personal student of Celestia herself had to beg to WORK. Fortunately I have four other 'friends' who actually are dumb enough to work, do ALL the work while Applejack and I watched and made fun of them.

WHY I decide to stay here in this dump of a town, when I lived in a palace is BEYOND ME?

Twilight Sparkle.

Griffon the Brush off

Dear Princess Scuzzy

Those punks Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie replaced my ink with DISAPPEARING ink, ruining my research for the curer for the common cold. Then that weirdo Pinkie Pie had the nerve to ask for my advice when she claimed that a griffon named Gilda tried to kill her. You know what I told her? To go stick a bucket where the sun don't shine.

I think that mare Pinkie Pie belongs in a psych ward. She's a complete NUT, and then that Rainbow Dash had to go and ruin a wonderful party for perhaps the most awesome citizen of this crummy nation called Equestria, she eats 'meat' after all. What could be more awesome then sitting in a stand up in a tree with a rifle and shoot the next deer that shows it's face.

Twilight Sparkle

Boast Busters

Dear Celestia

A weird unicorn named Trixie showed up in town and claimed to have been the most powerful unicorn ever. My friends did cool things to challenge her, and all she ever did was beat them up. So what did I do? I turned her into a newt. Too bad she got better.

I also learned how to make mustaches. I tried it on my slave Spike, but he just wanted to use it to impress Rarity. I keep telling him "she's a ponie, you're a dragon" but he never listens to me. So I took his mustache off him by pulling it off with my hooves; you should have heard his scream of pain, it was fun.

Twilight Sparkle the new barber/butcher

Dragonshy

Dear Celestia

I don't care if there's a snoring dragon! YOU deal with it! That's YOUR job not MINE. I saved your sorry flank from your sister, so now I'm getting the suspicion that you are a worthless weakling...scratch that, I KNOW you're a weakling since you can't even use the elements to save your sister the same way I did. Am I just somepony who you'll look to when you actually have something to DO, other than lay on your precious thrown all day getting fat? Get a life!

Twilight Sparkle

Look Before You Sleep

Dear Princess Celestia

Rarity, Applejack and I had a sleepover (even though we're 20 years old and are too old for those things) Applejack and I had fun beating Rarity with pillows, throwing her out the window in the rain, and poisoning her shmores.

Great times, great times.

Rarity is such a whiner. She wouldn't stop bickering and complaining about every single thing. She even slowed down AJ's hard work at preparing for the storm by putting all the loose branches back on the trees, SERIOUSLY, and then when a tree fell into my bedroom, Rarity wouldn't help remove it because she's too much of an ergophobic, and to top it all off she tried to give me a MAKEOVER, like MY face needs to change. What a jerk.

Twilight Sparkle

Swarm of the Century

Dear Celestia

You're an idoit. You're 2000 years old and had never heard of Parasprites before? What else do you not know? Good luck in Fillydelphia, you're probably dead. Those things litterally ATE Ponyville. At first I thought they were cute, even after Pinkie Pie felt discusted at the sight of them. She knew something that YOU didn't, that proves that you know NOTHING about the real world.

Pinkie tried to tell me how to handle those bugs, even though every effort I tried to use backfired ALL becuase of that insane creep.

Next time you come over here, I'm ordering the ponyvillians to barricade their doors and windows.

Twilight Sparkle

Winter Wrap Up

Dear Princess Celestia

Today I tried to help out in winter wrap up, it was the most POINTLESS thing I've ever been apart of. Why do we wrap up winter when the planet's axis can do that on it's own? My stupid dragon Spike wouldn't stop saying that the 'proper' way is with my powers, but the proper way is with the planet's axis. Or for that matter, why do you raise the sun? Why would it need your fat flank to rise? How did it work before ponies came into existence? WHERE DID THE LIKES OF YOU AND YOUR SISTER COME FROM?

I also would like to know why that psychotic pink freak Pinkie Pie skates to shorten the ice? What would happen if she fell in? She'd die.

Reply back (with some bits)

Twilight Sparkle

PS: I also let my slave Spike almost drown. Aren't I evil? HAHAHA

Call of the Cutie

Dear Celestia

Today my friend Applejack forced her little sister to associate with a bad crowd. Applebloom's own sister is a bad influence. She wanted Applebloom to go to a filly's cutecenera, the filly in question is the meanest foal I have ever seen before. She and her friend wouldn't stop bullying Applebloom for having a blank flank, even though they had cutie marks that meant they were useless to society. Applejack is SO not going to hear the end of THIS, she shouldn't have ALLOWED let alone FORCED her sister to associate with such wretched brats. What do you think? Banishment? Dungeon? Both?

I guess I learned that cutie marks come first to those who haven't special talents to get a cutie mark with.

The bully's friend was six years old, but her face makes her look 40. What's up with that?

Twilight Sparkle

Fall Weather Friends

Dear Princess Solarflank

Today, my stupid friends (Rainbow and Applejack) rudely brought me out of my library sanctuary, and competed in nearly every kind of sport out there in something called an Ironpony Competition or something (I don't know, I avoided learning like the plague while hearing about this thing).

I learned that Rainbow Dash is a cheater. There was NO WAY she could've beat Applejack in a hoof wrestle. Pegasi are light and brittle so they can fly, while Earthponies are all muscle. Rainbow obviously was on steroids, so I had to disqualify Rainbow Dash. That made her mad, so she and AJ both competed in the Running of the Leaves Race. I decided to try it, and I even won because I know where all the short cuts are. Oops, did I write that instead of just thinking it?

I even got to torture my slave Spike a few times. Hehe. He can't run in the race because he's not a pony, I love being prejudice.

I think you and the other feds are lying. Leaves fall because they get old, which causes their stems to get weak, and thus, all the leaves fall.

Twilight Sparkle

Suited For Success

Dear Celestia the goon

I got to mess with Rarity. She offered to make a dress for the Grand Galloping Gala (which you never invited me to before, you jerk) I kept telling her to change it, until it ended up looking like...well...it looked like a piece of junk. The whole thing ruined her reputation as a fashion designer. Nothing brings me more joy than ruining that tramp's life. My friends even said that their suits are fine, but that fashion nutcase just kept redoing, and redoing, and redoing, until she nearly got sick. I got to let Rainbow tree her monster of a cat Opalescence.

Too bad my other friends felt pity for Rarity, because they made me take that first dress. Somehow I actually liked Rainbow Dash's last suit better than the first. Now I'll get to see Rarity get sick again making a dozen of these dresses by next tuesday.

Twilight Sparkle

Feeling Pinkie Keen

Dear Princess you-know-who

What the thudge?! Pinkie Pie is the craziest flank of a mare I have ever had the displeasure of ever knowing. She believes she has the ability to see in the brief future with twitches and other feelings. When she claimed that a 'doozy' was coming, she lead me and some of my friends to almost get killed by a hydra, only to discover that the 'doozy' is nothing more than me saying that I believe in such crud. Plus her cooking is nasty, and her parties are for babies. All this Pinky sense nonsense has even put me in castes. Pinkie has a pet alligator, that she abused by pulling the poor thing's teeth out. Pinkie should stop with her childish behavior, quit that dump Sugarcube Corners, get a REAL job, or go to a psych ward. Course, the only job she's capable of is breaking rocks with her head.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: There's a hydra out there that needs to be hunted down and killed.

Stare Master

Dear You old goat

Yesterday I got turned to solid stone by a cockatrice. I ought to go and burn the Everfree Forest to the ground to kill every single monster that resides in there. The timberwolves, the manticores, the ursas, the cockatrices, the parasprites, etc. That forest to too dangerous to keep there , it NEEDS to be burned to the ground.

Anyway, my friend Fluttershy tried her luck at babysitting some foals. Those dumb foals went into the Everfree Forest (course, if they didn't, I'd still be stone) I guess I'm an idiot who doesn't know how to avert my eyes when I see something I shouldn't. Anyway again, Fluttershy's attempt at babysitting worked out in the end, but she sure had a major fight to do so. Those kids are DUMB.

Twilight Sparkle

A Dog and Pony Show

Dear Princess Celestia (QUEEN IT UP ALREADY!)

I had to rescue that tramp Rarity from some creatures called diamond dogs. They enslaved her to dig for gems. It looks like we're gonna be going to war. The diamond dogs tried to enslave Rarity, me, and my other friends, the elements of harmony themselves. We can't let them think they can just steal your most powerful soldiers. Let us fight these monsters and punish them for their act of aggression.

Maybe I should have left her with those dogs. She did after all free herself with her spoiled rotten attitude. The diamond dogs clearly are wimps, so going to war with them shouldn't be too hard. With our powers we'll be able to blow them all to kingdom come.

Twilight Sparkle

Green Isn't Your Color

Dear Celestia

I've learned that keeping pinkie promises is foalish. Pinkie Pie is a very selfish mare, she didn't want me to tell my two friends what the other thinks when they thought the other believed one way from the other because I pinkie promised not to tell the other about what the other thinks (yeah, crazy. No?)

Photo Finish came to Rarity to seek a model. But Rarity thought that Photo wanted to find dresses, so Rarity used Fluttershy as a model to advertise Rare's dresses. Photo Finish ended up making poor Fluttershy into a supermodel. Oh The Inponiety, what a horrible fate, being a supermodel just means your a wart (like Rarity).

Then when I tried to help Fluttershy get out of it (which Rarity wanted) Rarity only spoiled it by applauding when Fluttershy made a fool of herself to get fired, which made everpony else applaud too. Tramps! Who can figure them?

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Fluttershy is too soft. She said that she was so mad she could scream, and she screamed...like an ant. Then she said she was so mad she could kick something, she kicked a vase...only for the vase to barley even move.

Over A Barrel

Dear Dirtbag

The tatunkas have been treated like dust by the appleloosans. They stole their land and wouldn't give it back until the tatunkas got a taste of pie.

I can't believe the appleloosans actually thought that pies are ammo, nor can I believe that the tatunkas actually got hurt when the pies hit their faces. Where were the guns? Is a marlin 444 marlin, or a springfield 45-70 too much to ask for?!

I wanted to say 'JUST GO THROUGH THE ORCHARD YOU STUPID COWS! It's not a WALL it's a FOREST! You can just walk through it (in fact, RUN through it)"

Applejack AGAIN shows herself as being racist. She was practically the ring leader against Zecora, and now the tatunkas. How can she be so PARTIAL?! Applejack needs a good scolding.

Twilight Sparkle

A Bird in the Hoof

To Your Mediocreness

Well, that stupid bird has put me in a shock over nothing. Here I thought that Philomena was a DYING DODO BIRD, and it turns out she's a MOLTING PHOENIX! Most ponies I know need to learn how to keep their mouths SHUT, YOU on the other hoof need to OPEN your fat mouth. Don't worry about Pinkie Pie, next time you come over we'll tie her up in chains, put an apple in her mouth, lock her in a trunk and lock that trunk in the closet and barricade the closet with 2x4s. THAT should keep her from stealing your food and polluting the other food with her germs.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: You stink.

Cutie Mark Chronicles

Dear Celestia

Looks like when I turned my parents into plants (when I entered the exam to get into your stupid school) Rainbow Dash caused me to get my cutie mark, Rainbow even caused the others to get their cutie marks. Small world.

Is there even a reason for cutie marks? Having some force tell you what to do sounds like a prison to me. Makes me almost want to get rid of my cutie mark.

I think this cutie mark business is giving our youth more stress than necessary. I mean COME ON, three fillies here in this town are constantly getting covered in tree sap.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: You should tell these three fillies how you and your sister Nightmare Moon got your cutie marks.

Party Of One

This week has been the most ridiculous EVER. Pinkie Pie wanted to host two parties in two days, TWO PARTIES IN TWO DAYS! That mare is in desperate need for a straight jacket, these parties were for her pet alligator for the love of pete. Is it even LEGAL to own an alligator?

When we decided to throw HER a party for a change, she straight up claimed that we didn't love her anymore. Pinkie Pie has problems, like how she put her pet gator in the bucket where we bobbed for apples, and even the punch. I wouldn't be surprised if somepony wrote a book about her where she becomes a mass murderer. Yep, she's THAT cray cray.

Pinkie Pie should charge ponies for the parties she hosts since she hosts parties every day. Next time, that crazy nut job isn't getting invited to any parties we ever throw, even the ones that are for HER.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Applejack isn't as honest as the elements of harmony seems to believe, she was better at lying than Rainbow Dash.

The Return Of Harmony

Dear Solarmare

Well, we just sealed Discord back in his stone prison. Now send that brute to the moon before he goes back to Q Continuum, he's after all, a major danger to not just the world but the universe.

Since his tongue is sticking out in his new statue form let's rub a pepper on his tongue everyday, so that if you stupidly want to release him he'll be sore, and don't give me that thudge about him being useful, chaos is NOT useful.

I can't believe how stupid I was, he practically told me where the elements are and I thought they were in the maze. Why'd you choose ME to be your personal student? I can't even understand a simple riddle from a frankenstein-like freak.

To top it ALL off, I tried to run away from you just before I read all those letters that I wrote that you sent back to me.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: It's Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Sweetie Belle's fault that discord was released.

Lesson Zero

Dear Princess Celestia

Now you want my friends involved in this pin pal torture? Heck no! It's not bad enough I made myself look like a nut, now I have to drag my friends into this friendship is magic thudge. Then again, it's what they get for ditching me like that. Maybe you should send them into magic kindergarten, in fact, please do. Why should they be at the same grade level as ME on their first day of school ever? It's just not right for you to just PUT them at such a level when I spent my whole life getting here. IT'S NOT FAIR!

Now I have to fight Big Macintosh to get my stuffed donkey back, that'll be a nightmare. Just like your sister.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Put them in magic kindergarten please.

Luna Eclipsed

Dear Princess

You're a wicked mare. Why didn't you just free Luna from her evilness the same way I did? Now she's loco in the coco. She knew nothing on how to behave, she still used the royal Canterlot voice and the royal we. I felt like she was gonna kill us all, the poor thing. You know what? I quit being your student. If you treat your own sister like dirt I'd hate to imagine how you'd treat ME.

HOW DARE YOU! You could've at least told the world about Luna instead of letting all of us forget that such a mare exists. You stabbed her and the rest of us in the backs. YOU BETRAYED US ALL!

Twilight Sparkle

PS: You're a jerk

Sisterhooves Social

Dear Celestia

My sister Sweetie Belle and I entered the sisterhooves social, but not before she broke into my house, ruined my work and sweater, tried to poison me with burnt food, and was a general pain in the flank. If she wasn't my sister I'd want nothing to do with that brat.

Sweetie Belle burnt juice. How can you POSSIBLY burn juice? My mother said that she has been giving Sweetie lessons. I'm surprised that I'm still alive today; eating such atrocities all my childhood.

I can't believe I got mud all over me for that little brat. Sweetie Belle even tried to replace me with Applejack, APPLEJACK, the hick of our group. Next time I babysit my little sister, I'm gonna tie her up, lock her in a trunk, and lock that trunk in the closet where she'll do no more harm. I can't believe that freak can POSSIBLY be my sister, she can't even levitate a few things like a normal unicorn.

Rarity

PS: Am I generous or what? HAHAHA!

The Cutie Pox

Dear Celestia

Today I got to steal a flower from that weird zebra Zecora. It's fun to steal stuff like that flower called Hearts desire. Apparently the disease Cutie Pox from paleo-pony times was caused by a dumb foal who couldn't wait for his/her cutie mark and ate the Hearts Dire to get it. Looks like I almost caused a major viral outbreak. Oops.

Not just now, but also when I tried to convince Twilight to use her powers to give me a cutie mark, I can honestly say that I've had more cutie marks than most ponies ever. Wait until I tell Diamond Tiara that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a cutie mark to get.

Applebloom

PS: I think Derpy Hooves got into the fountain of youth, since I saw her as a foal watching me loop my hoop.

The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Dear Celestia the goon

My so called 'friends' felt that I was acting with too much pride, so they pulled a vicious joke on me. I'm all for a little prank from time to time, but today they trampled on my reputation by becoming a 'superhero' to replace me. If they thought I needed an attitude adjustment then why didn't they TALK to me. I'm all ears, I would've listened, but NOOOO, they became Mare Do Well and made me look like a chump. Just because I'm the element of loyalty does NOT mean my friendship is unconditional; I don't want any part of them any more, they're a bunch of jerks. Anyway, I think we should do something about that death trap of a hill here in Ponyville, it almost claimed the lives of several ponies, that I had to save. Aren't I awesome?

I guess the only good thing to come out of this is that I got to give a baby a wedgie. I think I'll start giving babies wedgies more often, or for that matter, shove old ponies across streets, and if they whack me with their canes or purses I'll shove em' again.

Rainbow Dash

PS: Maybe I'll get my own Mare Do Well costume. That would be awesomer than awesome.

Secret Of My Excess

Sweet And Elite

Dear Celestia

My schmuck of a friend Rarity is coming to Canterlot for a visit and I was hoping that you could let her stay at the palace in one of the guestrooms. Just don't let Blueblood near her or somepony's going to get hurt.

She'll be bringing her cat and enough luggage to go on a two month trip to Saddle Arabia. I hope that won't inconvenience you TOO much. If you don't want to house Rarity go ahead; sleeping in a box in an alleyway never hurt anypony.

Warning: Don't let Rarity get too close to the locals; they might make her forget about me. You're probably thinking I'm just being my usual OCD self, but NO, I'm dead serious. Rarity is TOO into that high society crud.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: If you have Rarity sleep in an alleyway please take some pictures of her for me. Pretty Please.

Family Appreciation Day

Secret Of My Excess

Dear Celestia

I destroyed Ponyville with my dragon's greed. These dumb ponies think I'm sorry, but if I was sorry I would have stopped myself the second I noticed that I was getting bigger. What are you gonna DO huh? Send me to the moon? I'd like to see you TRY. Maybe you should place CHEERILEE under arrest since she triggered me into going on a rampage (after she almost knocked down my precious sapphire cupcake).

Twilight took me to the vet, ME, to the VET. What am I? Her PET!?!

I even got to defeat the Wonderbolts, I truly AM awesome. The Wonderbolts are such wimps.

Spike the Great

PS: SPIKE WANT!!!!!!

Baby Cakes

Family Appreciation Day

Dear Celestia

We have the most embarrassing grandma in all of Equestria, she wakes us up at 3 in the morning by banging pots and pans out in the field where somepony might see her. Doesn't she know it would be simpler to wake us up in the halls? She ruins our kitchen by painting polka dots because 'oh, the zap apple jam likes polka dots' give me a break.

Granny Smith also says rediculious things like that the Apples founded Ponyville, if that was true, then Ponyville would be called something like Zapcity or Apple Town or something. Granny Smith also says that the zap apples are what made Ponyville come into existence, but if that was true, then we Apples would be filthy stinkin' rich, unlike the Riches, since that would mean the economy of Ponyville would be based on our farm, which would make many other ponies have to have farms here.

Granny also says to sing to the watering cans we use to water the trees, EXCUSE ME, since when did anypony ever use watering cans to water trees, let alone sing to them. I'm getting worried about Granny Smith, I think it's high time we send her to a nursing home.

Well, at least I got to watch the town's foals make fools of themselves dressing like bunnies and singing to the watering cans (even though at that time, we already harvested the zap apples).

Applejack and Applebloom

Hearth's Warming Eve

Baby Cakes

Dear Celestia

Today I've learned to never trust myself. I'm an immature childish pony, who should never have agreed to babysit the cake twins. When I changed their diapers I ended up putting the fresh diapers on ME. Then I had the gall to dismiss Twilight when she offered help. I even tried to feed them solid food.

Those two were complete brats, the only thing that made them laugh was me dropping flour on my head. They just wouldn't listen to reason, and don't get me started with their tastes for stand-up comedy.

Did I forget to say that one's a unicorn and one's a pegasus? The unicorn (despite being a baby) knows how to levitate herself, so they were both flying around.

Never EVER have me babysit, I'm useless.

Pinkie Pie

PS: Did I mention I'm childish?

The Last Roundup

Hearth's Warming Eve

Dear Princess Celestia

I don't get it, history remembers 10,000 years ago, but not the Crystal Empire, or your own little sister. What the thudge is wrong with our written records? These government conspiracies are going to one day cause the fall of Equestria you wench! I don't think I want to be your student anymore if all you do is keep secrets from the people.

As for the play, are the wendigos still out there, and wouldn't they rather keep their hosts alive or they themselves would die because they'd be using up their food supplies? Also, how'd we manage to get the wendigos to play in this play? They were SERIOUSLY at our play! I guess not all wendigos are evil.

I guess we haven't got much of a choice between the wendigos and the changelings. YEESH, either we love and face the wrath of the changelings or we hate, and face the wrath of the wendigos.

Now if you don't mind, I have to get Scootaloo's tongue unstuck. The dummy.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Don't even THINK about turning me into an alicorn unless you change everypony in the world into one, and yes, I know about that.

Read It And Weep

Super Speedy Cider Whatever

Dear Princess Celestia

Oops, I forgot to learn something. Oh well, I already knew that all I had to do was give my best. Course, I could've learned to let poor Rainbow Dash have some cider.

Two stallions challenged my family's traditional cider with a machine. They called themselves Flim and Flam. My family won because they allowed their machine to make whole apple trees into cider.

I hope I don't mistake the Flim Flam bros toxic cider for our good cider. That would be disastrous. Yes, those two crazies almost killed ponies with their wooden cider. I mean literal cider made of wood and sap. Eeeew! Maybe I should send that crud to you to drink, you and Luna deserve it. Well I'M not going to drink it.

I think I'll give those two stooges the bill for the apples they used to make their toxic cider. HAHAHA!

Applejack

PS: I'm sorry, I meant for this to be EVEN MORE insulting.

Hearts and Hooves Day

Read It And Weep

Dear Celestia

I can't believe it! I'm an egghead! I actually like something as stupid as reading. Even though it's only adventure-fantasy, a book series called Daring Do.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm a nerd!

I don't want to be a nerd, I'm an athlete not a geek!

Well...at least I got to commit a crime. That's better than NOTHING. I should have tried breaking and entering a long time ago.

What are you gonna do about it, huh? Send me to the moon? Don't even try!

I also saw a crazy pony from the psych ward of Ponyville General Hospital. Do we HAVE a psych ward here in Ponyville? Why isn't Pinkie Pie in there?

Signed: Rainbow Dash who doesn't give a hoot about being loyal now that I read.

A Friend In Deed

Hearts and Hooves Day

Dear Celestia

Instead of trying to get our silly cutie marks, we tried to hook our stupid teacher and Big Mac up with each other; with a love POISON! HAHAHA!!! We had to rescue them by making them never see each other for an hour; and to do that we had to pretend to have those two meatheads get married. We got to trap Big Mac in a hole, and lock Cheerily in a closet in the Carousel Boutique; that at least was fun. Too bad we were punished by having to do Mac's chores (they didn't even talk to our folks about it, the jerks)

Looks like Berry Punch just got herself a mobile home.

Sweetie Belle interrupted a funeral by calling the stallion talking 'too old'. Ain't she a naughty filly?

We actually thought about hooking The Doctor up with our teacher. But luckily for him he splashed us.

Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom

PS: We reject you man! You and everything you stand for!

Putting Your Hoof Down

A Friend In Deed

Dear Celestia

Today I got to harass a donkey named Cranky. If there're donkeys, mules, and zebras, does that mean there're zonkeys around? Anyway, the poor guy just wanted to be alone, and I destroyed his stuff (even almost set his house on fire). I'm a bad little pony. Maybe next time I'll teepee his house. Since I've already befriended the grump, I can do whatever I want with him. Right?

Anyway, I guess I should go to a psych ward since I'm so cray cray that I actually shout to the world that somepony is bald. Go ahead, I deserve it. I'm just too darn insane to be out free in the streets. I'll be waiting if you decide to do so.

Pinkamena Diane Pie

PS: I plea insanity. Because I'm the craziest pony in town. My element of harmony proves it.

It's About Time

Putting Your Hoof Down

Dear Celestia

I may be a butt kisser, but so's that cherry salespony who I offered 12 bits to for one whole cherry, he asked for 20 bits, I didn't have that much, so he said I was waisting his time, then another pony offered 2 measly bits for the same cherry and he took it. He claimed I shouldn't have been a doormat, but HE lost 10 bits for pushing me too far. The jokes on HIM. What a bad business pony. Is 10 bits REALLY small compared to two bits? NOOOOOOOOO!

I learned some will power from a minotaur named Iron Will. He taught me how to not be a butt kisser, then I cheated off him by not paying what I owed him.

I got to spill the beans on what Pinkie and Rarity really are when it comes to their lives, a marshmallow and a baby.

Maybe I should use Pinkie's assertiveness tactic on the tax collector.

Now that I'm no longer a butt kisser, we're gonna have roast rabbit tonight.

Fluttershy

Dragon Quest

It's About Time

Dear Celestia

Today I tried to stop time. Aren't you gonna throw me in the dungeon, or banish me, or throw me in a dungeon in the place you banish me to, since I attempted an act of treason? I tried to freeze the world in eternal stillness. I'm a bad girl.

If I wanted to try time travel, why didn't I ask the Doctor to use the TARDIS? Then again, the TARDIS tends to have a mind of it's own. Also, The Doctor laughed when I said something about time travel. Why? Isn't that his thing?

I guess all I learned is that I'm OCD. So basically, if you wish to punish me, I plea insanity.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Where were YOU when I was running around town believing the end of the world was coming?

Hurricane Fluttershy

Dragon Quest

Dear Idiot

I tried to join the dragons, since ponies are lame.

It turns out that dragons (or at least the ones I met) are nothing more than crazy delinquents who are racist against ponies.

I beat them in a game of King of the Hoard, and yet they said I failed. I should've said 'I beat YOU, did I'.

Why haven't ponies been studying or talking to dragons? It's not like they're scary, they're just stupid. I mean C'MON, Fluttershy scolded one as if it was a three year old foal. Are you ponies really as wimpy as those dragons say you are?

I got me a pet phoenix YAY!

How about THAT, I tried to join a gang. Gangs are nothing more than pant-sagging racist morons who try to kill each other. They called me peewee. So I decided to name the phoenix Peewee. Ain't I evil?

Spike the silly little lizardman

MMMystery On The Friendship Express

Ponyville Confidential

Dear Celestia

Some fillies I have the unfortunate burden of knowing are the ones who made a laughing stock out of you. Remind us NEVER to invite you to a party, you pig. Anyway, those brats learned that you shouldn't be spreading rumors (especially ones that say that somepony is racist) They accused me of being a Canterlot SNOB. I know the majority of folks in Canterlot ARE, but I'm NOT.

Pinkie Pie says she wishes to be placed in a psych ward to hopefully get better, and it sure isn't like she'll be lonely, not with Screwloose being there. I hope Luna didn't get Gabby Gummed with actually still being Nightmare Moon. That would tink.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Okay I admit it, I AM a snob. It's all true.

Canterlot Wedding

MMMystery On The Friendship Express

Dear Celestia

I'M CRAZY! I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three random bakers, my friends (not including Spike, since we always leave him behind. Who needs that stupid lizard around?) and I carried a cake over here to Canerlot to enter this contest, and while coming here my friends litterally took the cake.

I thought for sure that the three random bakers did it to cheat. Nothing bad there I guess. But then I made the most ridiculous asumptions anypony ever heard.

Twilight has always said that I belong in an asylum. Now I'm starting to believe her.

Good thing Conan Edogawa wasn't there; he would've stolen Twilight's spotlight.

Hahaha!!!!! That cake has a moose head on it. That's so funny.

Pinkie Pie

PS: Now if you don't mind Ms. Piggy, I've got a cake to not let you have.

The Crystal Empire

Canterlot Wedding

Dear Worst Military Leader On The Planet

So now that my brother is a prince, does that mean he'll become an alicorn? No? You're sexist! Stallions are just as powerful as mares. Or for that matter, Blueblood, shouldn't HE be an alicorn? Heck, if OCD little ME can be one, why not those two?

I also demand an apology for you accusing me of being possessive towards my brother, when I was protecting him from an evil...bug-thingy. Who I might add defeated YOU. You're a wuse! If THAT'S how you handle roaches, then I'd hate to see what would happen if a REAL threat occured.

By the way, don't forget about those tunnels underneath Canterlot that might cause erosion and send this snot-of-a city down to it's doom.

Twilight Sparkle

One Bad Apple

Too Many Pinkie Pies

Dear Celestia

Well looks like my crazyness has struck again. I found the mirrorpond and used it to have fun in more than one place; but my clones destroyed Ponyville. Ponyville's construction workers have been busy lately with all the turd happening.

I can't believe I can't have any fun without an evil army attacking the town! I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!

I MUST be crazy; I believe raising a barn is fun. Sounds more like a chore my parents threatened me with if I played too close to old Leafy's property.

I should also mention that...I ALMOST DIED!!!!!!! Twilight had to listen to me when I said to take a test that is hard for a Pinkie to do, when I should have said things like 'my dad's name is Clyde' or 'I have a pet alligator named Gummy' or something, since the clones hardly even know their own names.

Well things could have been worse; YOU could have used the mirrorpond.

Pinkie Pie

PS: If you don't know about the mirrorpond then that's just SAD. 2000 years of you living and you don't know about the parasprites or the mirrorpond.

Magic Duel

One Bad Apple

Dear Celestia

My sister and her two goony friends have learned that bullies are only cowards in the end. Just like my cousin Babs Seed was UNTIL the end.

Babs Seed was bullying my sister right under my nose, and I was too unobservant to notice. Babs even kicked Applebloom out of her own BED. Babs even shoved her and her friends out of their own float and I was too stupid to notice.

One thing I can't help but think about, is that Babs Seed looks oddly like a colt, not a filly. She even SOUNDS like a colt, and don't give that 'Brooklyn accent' junk; she's from MANEHATTEN not BROKELAND.

Applejack

PS: Next time those Manehatten dweebs need a babysitter I'm dumping that bully in the cider cellar.

Wonderbolts Academy

Sleepless In Ponyville

Dear Celestia

Today I got to unofficially adopt Scootaloo as my little sister...well okay, more like got me a pet chicken.

A few of my friends (including chicken girlaloo) and I went camping where I told the two tales of the headless horse and the olden pony. Personally the olden pony is more ANNOYING than scary to ME. If an old lady walks up to me in the woods and asks 'where's my horseshoe?' I'm not gonna RUN, I'm gonna just get a weirded-out-face and answer. But Scootaloo is a big baby, so she gets scared. Okay okay, I admit it, I was super afraid of the olden pony and the headless horse when I was six years old too. I was also spooked like crazy of that dragon that almost smoked Equestria. I also also pick my nose, and sleep with a pillow with hearts, and a pink sleeping bag. I guess the rumor that Sweetie Belle will get a music cutie mark is all lies, she can't sing 99 buckets of oats on the wall.

After the tale of the headless horse, Scootaloo runs off to (get this) fight the headless horse. Scoots falls in a river and almost goes down a waterfall, until I rescued her sorry flank. She told me about her fear (while that spook Luna was talking behind me from the moon).

Next time I'm camping in the Everfree Forest.

I have reason to believe that Scootaloo is a pony/changeling hybrid.

I can see Luna's finally gotten off the bike she fell off of and is now helping the people, a opposed to wallowing in her sorrows.

Rainbow Danger Dash

PS: What have I gotten myself into? I have to teach a filly how to fly. Unless she really IS a changeling/earthpony hybrid, then she won't be able to fly with her crippled wings.

Apple Family Reunion

Wonderbolts Academy

Dear Princess Who I Wouldn't Trust With National Security With An Airforce Like The Wonderbolts.

I got accepted in The Wonderbolts Academy. Finally, is it really THAT hard to get in? Soarin and Spitfire became the leaders of that organization, and those two are the biggest wimps I've ever met. Rarity slaps them in the face and they get knocked out. I'll bet Tank could beet those two without his copter.

Spitfire is most DEFINITELY a teacher, unobservant to cheaters and bullies, and not considerating to actually TEACHING the class. Then again, she doesn't know how to fly, and you can't tach what you don't know. Also making her a typical teacher.

I almost quit after noticing all that recklessness at that academy; me being disturbed by the recklessness of that school is saying ALOT. I guess the bucker who made Spitfire into one of (let alone the LEADER) was drunk on that day. Spitfire didn't even demonstrate her 'coolness' after calling me and the other students wimps.

Spitfire even tried to make me a wingpony, ME a WINGPONY! Do the Wonderbolts even NEED wingponies? It's not like they're using some huge flying device where two ponies have to sit back-to-back against each other to fly or anything.

Rainbow Dash

Spike At Your Service

Apple Family Reunion

Dear Princess Celestia

Be happy your family is puny. My huge family makes our family reunions a nightmare. I tried to make a fun reunion, only for the barn to get destroyed. We managed to have fun raising the barn but...it had to take a CHORE to make it rememberable.

My crazy grandmother and some other relatives straight up spent most of her life trying to nit a blanket, and when I offered a way for her to actually get it done: she couldn't even do THAT well (one of them doing the sewing even had a sewing machine for a cutie mark) and don't get me STARTED on how my great auntie Applesauce lost her teeth by dropping them in some apple jam (that we all ate without the knowledge of).

I got to get those annoying brats to buzz off by having them all participate in a 7 legged race that sent them to the other side of town and out of our hair.

Applejack

PS: Are fruit bats edible?

Just For SideKicks

Keep Calm and Flutter On

Dear Celestia

Somehow we have reformed Discord. But why the thudge did you WANT us to reform this guy? What's the matter princess, You miss your boyfriend? Or are you looking for somepony to replace me?

Like I said before, HOW CAN YOU BRING DISCORD HERE!!!?! If you end up wanting us to reform Chrysalis I'm off to The Griffon Kingdom, or Saddle Arabia, or somewhere, because we NEED recurring villains. Discord has been this way for 3000 years, it should have taken like 200 years to reform him. There's something fishy going on around here, and I don't care how offended the soupterine gets. I hope he goes back to Q Continuum where he belongs.

Well...at least Fluttershy has got herself a cool new lamp.

I hope the pigeons don't miss their favorite statue to turd on.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Why was Discord's head on wrong when you brought him here? Oh, and we have a nice beaver skin hat for you. Complementary from a little nuisance Sweet Apple Acres has had problems with named Mr.Beaverton Beaverteeth.

Sweet And Elite

Magical Mystery Cure

Dear Celestia

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR EVER BUCKING MIND!?! You turned me into an alicorn without ever saying that you would. How hard is it to say 'hey Twilight when you're ready I'm going to turn you into an alicorn...oh never mind you'll find out when I do it' and to top it all off, you first made me sing in the span of a whole month. A WHOLE MONTH!!!!!!!!

Because of your stupidity Ponyville's ponies almost started a civil war, the economy in the town almost died. Heck, you almost got Rainbow Dash eaten by a bunch of animals. So now we're going to have to fumigate Fluttershy's cottage to kill those beasts.

With secrets like this, I wouldn't be too surprised if next thing you're going to tell me is that you'll send me back to high school (when I'm 20 years old) as a weird bipedal creature that doesn't even look like their species, or even turn Spike into a dog.

Just before realizing that you tricked me to almost ruin my friends lives forever, I was singing about Ponyville half expecting the ponies to shout 'Bonjour!' HAY! That would be a decent way to put a stallion into my life.

While I'm singing, some boob of a stallion could be a local hero to ponyville who has several mares want to be his bride but the dummy wants what he can't have so he tries to get married to me, then after I kindly say no, he tries to throw my dad into an asylum unless I marry him, but not only do I refuse but manage to have him thrown into the dungeon. I have no idea why I said that, but that comes into my mind whenever I sing Morning In Ponyville.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Why didn't you send Star Swirl's book over here by Spike's fire?

PS: Now turn Blueblood and my brother into alicorns, they're royalty too.

Hiatus Bonus Announcement

Double Rainboom

Dear Celestia

Today I nuked Ponyville, and my vocabulary is short because I don't know what enhancer means.

Oh, and I also stole Twilight's talent enhancing chemical, drank it, and ended up in an alternate dimension populated by three flying critters that tried to capture me as a pet; AND THOSE THINGS WERE FASTER THAN ME. THE HORROR, THE HORROR!

I'd hate to see what would happen if Discord, Diamond Tiara, Silver spoon, or Screwloose drank it; Woowee!

I'd LIKE to see what would happen if Doctor Whooves, You, Luna, or Cadence drank that thing.

In that universe I sure could've used some antidote X.

Did I mention I nuked Ponyville? And also, Pinkie Pie stole Blooregard Q Kazoo, I think your friend Madame Foster may want to know about that.

Rainbow Danger Dash

PS: Did I mention I nuked Ponyville?

Double Rainboom

Hiatus Bonus Announcement

I go by the username 1992andbeyond on DevientART.com

'POOR UNFORTUNATE FOALS' is what I wrote.

Equestria Girls

Dear Princess Celestia

Well your majesty, I just got the crown. But what's this about not letting my friends come with me. It would have been easier with all of us there, and don't give me that junk you said when they offered, that's just cow crud.

All this time you've kept telling me to "work together! Work together!" then out of the blue you said "Go alone!" MAKE UP YOUR @%#$ MIND!

I can't believe I just DID that. I actually went to high school and went to a dance. Have the Canterlot chefs been using marijuana as a secret ingredient? That princess-of-fall-formal junk is just a fake title used to give dumb popular girls a false sense of accomplishment.

Next time you send us to another world, can you make it the HUMAN world? Those things were not humans but HUMOCKS. Since they are a mockery (or so says Lyra Heartstrings).

All I learned from this is that I need to be more myself and not just let others control me...no wait, I learned no such thing. I guess I've become TOO social.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: If there's going to be another royal wedding (with me) I hope the changelings win this time.

Super Speedy Cider Whatever

The Last Roundup

Dear Princess

I've learned to always be honest like my element says I am. My pride made me not go home after not winning first prize at that Canterlot rodeo. Looks like I'm not as honest as the elements believe. Course, Rarity isn't very generous. I'm the one who offered to donate my prize money to Town Hall to fix the hall's roof after that poor klutz Derpy destroyed it. Rarity, on the other hoof, makes her six year old little sister do all the heavy labor.

Poor Derpy. A bunch of overly parental ponies want to throw her out of town because they claim that women can't be stupid. Yeah, that's how it is. Apparently (in their minds) all girls are princesses and all boys are vermin. For THAT matter, why isn't your nephew Blueblood an alicorn? You're one of them! Sexist!

Basically I've learned that the elements of harmony are flawed, and about there being sexism around here.

Applejack

PS: Oops, looks like we left that weirdo Pinkie and that pansy pony Rarity in the desert. Oops.

Ponyville Confidential

Hurricane Fluttershy

Dear Celestia

Why did that lazy fake athlete Spitfire just sit there and do nothing? Obviously she's nothing more than a big phony-baloney. Or shoot, maybe Twilight Sparkle could've used her self-levitation powers to fly in a circle (along with other unicorns who know it). Why should I make the difference? I can hardly fly, or at least that's what they said in flight camp. Maybe we should let the sun evaperate the water just like in the Everfree Forest, that'll make pegasi not have to nearly get themselves killed.

One day somepony might accidently use sewage water to send to Cloudsdale. That would be nasty.

Fluttershy

PS: Why should I write to you? I ain't your student, Twilight is, and I don't CARE if it was agreed back when she made all of Ponyville fight over a stuffed pony. I look out for ME, and don't think for a second that I look out for animals, I cook animals.

Owl's Well That Ends Well

Dear Thorn In My Side

My dumb dragon Spike destroyed my star book, tried to frame my new pet Owlowiscious by tearing apart my pillow. That dragon is sending me to wits end. I even had to run into the Everfree Forest to save him from an angry dragon (adult dragon obviously, or are you too stupid to know that). If he couldn't send letters to you I would've thrown him out the door years ago.

In fact, I may have denied it, but I want Owlowiscious to replace that useless lizard. Now only Rainbow Dash is without a pet. If she gets one, it ought to be something stupid like a turtle or gnat or something, maybe even a cactus or a rock. HAHAHA!

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Whatcha gonna do about it stupid? Send me to the moon? HUH?!

The Best Night Ever

Dear Princess Snoozy

You've done it again, you've failed me by tricking me and my friends by inviting us to the lamest party ever. I'm glad my friends crashed it, it was fun seeing those rich snobs run for the hills from those crazy animals. But if you wanted to liven up that silly party why not invite Derpy hooves? She's a klutz after all. Or better yet, why not CANCEL the grand galloping gala if it's so awful every year?

When Rainbow Dash said hi to Soarin the Wonderbolt, for some reason he said 'I got one' (one what we don't know) then he opened his Wonderbolt suit revealing it to be a refrigerator door. He pulled out a container of mustard out of his refrigerator/suit, squeezed the mustard container which made a pencil come out of it, he then handed the mustard container to Rainbow Dash and then he said 'here's your mustard ma'am'. Upon this happening, Spitfire said to him, 'Soarin she just said hi' then Soarin said, 'she asked for mustard Spitfire. Do you have corn in your ears ma'am?' What was THAT all about?

Twilight Sparkle

PS: You owe Applejack for all the income she's lost from the gala.

May The Best Pet Win

Dear Celestia

I used to think that the qualities in a pet or any other best friend was in the physical competitive abilities, and you know what? I still do. Oh, and YOU yourself are lame Celestia. I think Twilight Sparkle will make a good pet. Course, it'll be hard to put her in a birdcage were she belongs.

Today I've been having fun abusing a bunch of dumb animals by making them race in a gorge.

When will Luna get a pet, and what will it be? A bat? An owl? Speaking of her, she roasted my flank back in nightmare night and if I ever see her again you'll have a sister in the hospital.

Rainbow Danger Dash

PS: Well what did you expect from me? To say that I'd choose a tortoise as a pet over a cool pet like Twilight Sparkle?

Friendship is Magic

Dear Princess Celestia

You never told me, or the world about having a sister. Well...your SISTER is coming back! It is imperative that you get the royal guards ready to fight her. But this time, turn her into an earth pony and send her to the dungeon.

Also, I'd very much appreciate it if you wouldn't be so secretive. You didn't tell me or the world that you have an evil little sister. With all these secrets, I wouldn't be surprised if I'd find out about some lost civilization populated by some crystal ponies and ruled by some overgrown black unicorn stallion who resembles a ghost, or that you plan on changing me into an alicorn, or maybe something as outrageous as my brother getting married to Cadence.

Just come clean, your subjects deserve THAT much. If you keep secrets so much, they might revolt and put you and your family on a guillotine and start a new form of government where the ruler is elected, and can only serve for four years, and serve at most twice. Be warned.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: I might even lead the revolt.

Bridle Gossip

Dear Celestia

My friends had been freaking out over a zebra, assuming she's dangerous or something. They didn't run and hide when your sister returned, but when a hunk of lion food supply showed up they ran indoors and closed all their shops. Even Rainbow Dash didn't at least charge after Zecora. Rainbow tried to charge at Nightmare Moon, only to be stopped by Applejack, who apparently WANTED eternal night.

My friend's sister Applebloom tried to go confront Zecora to talk to her, only to have been followed by US. When we followed that brat into the Everfree Forest (Zecora's place of residence) we ran into a field of flowers called poison joke. The poison joke made my horn powerless and covered in polka dots, made AJ small, made Rainbow's wings upside down (she STILL insisted on flying), made Rarity look like a maltese, made Fluttershy sound better, and made Pinkie Pie finally shut up.

For some reason they all thought it was a curse done by Zecora even though Applebloom didn't change and she was the closest to Zecora at the time. When they wanted to (about time) face Zecora they were oh so scared because, get this, because in the Everfree forest the plants grow, the animals take care of themselves, and the clouds move all by themselves, even though that's how it's supposed to be unlike how Fluttershy spoils those vermin. Those animals should take care of themselves or be killed.

Everthing did work out in the end, but I've gonna give Applejack the biggest scolding of her life. She was the most hateful towards Zecora like if she's some sort of southern stereotype or something, and she's the worst sister towards Applebloom I have ever met.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Bite me

Sonic Rainboom

Dear Celestia

As you saw in the Young Flyers Competition, Rainbow Dash wouldn't had needed the sonic rainboom if she would've just NOT thought about what the results could've been and just DO it. What a moron.

Then that tramp Rarity had to discourage RD by selfishly entering the competition, and even after she nagged at me to give her those silly wings so we can go to Cloudsdale to encourage RD. Are the elements sure that tramp is generous? Because she seems to be SELFISH to me.

Then there's the Wonderbolts. Why are they considered to be the best athletes around when I could beet them in ANY tournament out there with my self levitation powers. Heck, I'll bet a rock could beet those wimps. When the Wonderbolts went to save Rarity, she accidentally knocked them out by slapping them in the face. EXCUSE ME! Rarity's the weakest of the six of us, if she can knock them out like that, I'd hate to see what would happen if they actually had to fight somepony/something that threatens Equestria (being both athletes and warriors). No wonder you have to bug me when there's a threat to Equestria, with an aerial assault like them we'd all die without me to fix everything constantly.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: My friends and I almost caused a drought today. MWHAHAHA

The Show Stoppers

Dear Celestia (Luna's better)

Scootaloo, Sweaty Belle, and Applebloom had entered a talent show to advertise their club the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They STUNK; Scootaloo can't sing; Sweaty Belle is no decorator; Applebloom wasn't too bad I guess, but she should stick with decorating. I wanted to go on stage to beet them just to SHUT THEM UP.

I'm surprised that Scootaloo at the very least didn't get her cutie mark yet, she really enjoys athletics and wants to do that for a living, even IF she doesn't realize it yet.

Those brats messed up the library earlier by trying to organize the books, only to send them on the floor and making Spike and I have to spend two whole days cleaning up their mess. I guess I'm Equestria's janitor since I have to clean up you and everypony else's messes around here.

Twilight Sparkle

Too Many Pinkie Pies

The Crystal Empire

Dear Celestia and Luna (yes, you too Luna, since you seem to not like me that much)

Well...we beat Sombra. But why the THUDGE did you turn him into a shadow? Why not send him into the ice as he is? Now he was actually a force to be reckoned with. Once again I had to go around cleaning up YOUR messes. You straight up gave him an advantage. Aren't you good for ANYTHING? You stalled the issue with your sister, Discord was able to escape your grasp, and now Sombra has not only been able to escape you but also had an advantage; thanks to you.

I also am rather disgusted that you let the world forget about something as big and historical as The Crystal Empire (even though this is NOT an empire. Empires are nations that take over other nations. This is nothing more than a city populated by a race that became extinct for a thousand years thanks to you and your uselessness).

Couldn't we have just used the Elements of Harmony on him and turn him mortal then lock him up? Apparently you have a bad habit of not only keeping secrets, but also giving your enemies a chance to win. I COULD'VE BEEN EITHER KILLED OR ENSLAVED BY A SHADOW MONSTER! Thanks to you.

I think you should try teaching the royal guards military skills for once instead of just LOOKING intimidating.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Couldn't that presence-whose-not-a-pony-aparently have at LEAST sung In The Dark Of The Night or something? That would have been cool.

Sleepless In Ponyville

Magic Duel

Dear Princess not-queen Celestia

Looks like my lizard Spike doesn't seem to trust you. He could've sent you a letter to warn you of the terrorist Trixie Lulamoon, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, he only does things if I tell him to. Either THAT, or he couldn't because of Trixie's fish bowl that went around town; but he STILL could had warned you after they tricked Trixie with the beavers to lift the fish bowl up. I guess my number 1 assistant ISN'T as good as he once was. He's becoming some sorta sexist male stereotype now. I guess I'll have to start using more strict discipline on him now.

Speaking of 'descipline', we have a terrorist to lock up named Trixie Lulamoon. She may have asked for my forgiveness, but she still acted with terrorism. The ONLY reason she lost, is because I used not the magic of FRIENDSHIP, but the magic of smoke and mirrors.

Meanwhile, YOU were over at Saddle Arabia, likely talking about how to deal with Horse Qaeda, when there're plenty of terrorists HERE in Equestria to worry about. HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!! Jerk.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: If you know how to turn old folks into young again, why not use it to make old age a thing of the past? Jerk.

Keep Calm and Flutter On

Spike At Your Service

Dear Celestia

I think Spike may have hit his head harder than I previously thought. He randomly decided that because I saved his sorry flank from some timberwolves that he had to be my slave for the rest of who-ever-dies-first's life; he's great with helping Twilight out, but when he helps ME he almost gets us killed as if he's a klutz or something.

I think the changelings have returned, Spike is NOT a klutz like this guy is. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! Spike's been foalnapped by changelings and one of them is impersonating him! This imposture kept talking about his 'Dragon Code Of Honor', but you and I and HE knows that dragons (except the real Spike) have no honor; so if he'd just be polite that alone will be a record for his kind.

Applejack the applehead

Games Ponies Play

Just For SideKicks

Dear Celestia who theoretically isn't MY princess since I'm not a pony

Please don't tell Twilight this but...or on second thought, go ahead and spill the beans. When Twilight and the gang went to the Crystal Empire, I volunteered...Okay, was PAID to watch their pets; I justed wanted to fix myself a jewelcake; I didn't even give a thudge about taking care of the animals. I even had to bribe Granny Smith to not tell anypony that I tied the animals into a ball with ribbon and cloth (go ahead and tell Applejack that. I double dare you)

To make matters worse, I ended up chasing the rabbit (named Angel) literally ALL the way to the Crystal Empire where I almost got busted of being incapable of caring for the little monsters.

Spike

PS: Is it legal for Pinkie Pie to own an alligator. Someday that gator will grow to be 10ft long. Then again, all that sugar will keep Gummy the gator from living that long (Pinkie won't live for much longer with a diet like that either)

Magical Mystery Cure

Games Ponies Play

Dear Princess Celestia

Looks like your faithful student should get an 'F' in commonsense; when looking for Ms. Harshwhinny, my friends and I picked up the wrong mare simply because she also had a flower covered piece of luggage. Is THAT even a reason to believe that's her? We couldn't have asked her if she's the games inspector or not?

The mare we picked up is probably a marijuana addict, since she's quite a nutcase. I can't believe I thought she could POSSIBLY be Ms. Harshwhinny. This mare was claustrophobic so being in the castle was a bit of a fright for her (even though she wasn't afraid of being in a train cart). This mare (apparently named Ms. Peachbottom) didn't even apologize for the misunderstanding.

Peachbottom somehow helped get The Crystal Empire (Crystal City would be a better and more accurate name) to house the Equestrian Games though.

Are these Equestrian Games REALLY such a big flipping deal? They're just a bunch of dumb games. Just how often do these games occur and how many cities exist in Equestria that can house these games?

There's Cloudsdale, Fillydelphia, Canterlot, Las Pegasus, Manehatten, Baltimare, Hoofington, Trottingham, Tall Tale, Mustangia, The Crystal Empire, etc.

Sure that's a lot, but the way Rainbow Dash was talking It sounded like there's only one possible way for each city to ever house these games. Rainbow Dash was so upset as a filly for Cloudsdale to not house the Equestrian Games that I'm starting to believe that these games only happen every 20 years or so. Surely Cloudsdale hosted these games SOMETIME before, or for that matter sometime in the future.

At least when we gave Peachbottom the grand tour of the castle I didn't show her Sombra's door of fear. Or Ms. Harshwhinny for that matter.

Next time if a 'games inspector' is acting like she needs to be sedated I'm asking questions no matter WHAT Rainbow Dash says. Or maybe just blame it on Pinkie Pie.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Rarity turned Cadence's hair into the most awkward mess ever. Maybe you should get that look.