No, seriously, why is she wearing a collar and tie? No shirt or anything, just a ring of starched cloth with some kind of tie at the front. It just doesn't make sense.

Come to seriously consider the matter, the very concept of wearing bits of fabric around one's neck as a fashion statement is in itself absurd. Damn Croats. I guess it's nice to know that such idiotic notions transcend species.

Oh well, I guess it makes sense to have some kind of identification when these ponies seem to completely eschew clothing. Why royalty would go naked is beyond naked. I guess she's really humble. That definitely makes sense, given her behavior towards me.

Getting back to the state of things, the Mayor of town looks pretty damn miserable. The melee going on in here is probably some kind of PR disaster for her. Maybe I should play the do-gooder and help her out with this. Business as usual. The Mayor sighs in resignation to the insanity she is witnessing. It's a tense conversation, given the violent confrontation tearing furniture apart just a few meters away. All of a sudden, she calms down and looks dour.

"Can anypony explain to me... why some manner of biped is having an audience with the Princess, who is currently assaulting another pony?" is all she can mutter out.

(Anypony? What the hell?)

Before I can try to explain myself, it's the dragon who suavely speaks up and saves my ass.

"Actually, Miss Mayor, I wrote down everything. This transcript will tell you everything you need to know."

She doesn't respond. In fact, she looks like she's about ready to faint, what with the bags under her eyes and the increasing number of stray pink hairs in her mane. (No, I don't know why. Maybe dye) She just takes up the pages and sits down at the opposite end of the table. In the meantime, I turn to Spike.

"Hey. I'm getting the impression that this town is... a little bit lively. She doesn't seem that fazed, given the circumstances. In fact, she seems pretty jaded about me turning up."

"Sheesh," he says, smiling, "something crazy happens in town every week. Monster attacks, crazy travellers, ancient evils, all the time! It's just the way the town is."

"Sounds like the kind of town I'd like to stay in. I should remember it."

Goings-on in the room are no less violent than they were before. This is getting tiresome.

"That's it, I'm putting an end to this nonsense. Someone help me break them up!"

"Reporting for duty!"

Rainbow, Apples, and Pinks stand up to help me. They do seem to be the more action oriented of the seven. Yes, I've already made up nicknames without their permission.

We don't last five seconds trying to play peacemaker before being incapacitated by magical-princess hooves to the face. Yes, I'm a terrifying cyber-commando, but that doesn't make me invincible. And hooves make for incredibly painful blunt instruments.

In short, miserable failure.

But there is one hope left... in the form of one Fluttershy. Her face tells me that she has absolutely had enough of this shit. I suppose that first appearances can be deceiving. Velvet glove over an iron fist.

"ENOUGH!" she bellows, in a remarkably intimidating voice, given that she's a tiny little horse.

In fact, it was enough to shock everyone present into stunned silence, even the two throttling each other.

"Twilight? I'm disappointed in you. You are not acting as a princess should! Princess Celestia didn't crown you so that you could cruelly attack those who come to you. And in front of foreign dignitaries, no less!"

Twilight seems calmed by this talking-down... and a bit flushed, too.

"And you! Surely you understood that you shouldn't treat the princess in such a way? I know that I have met some of the most wonderful ponies I have ever met in Canterlot, Twilight's Noble family being among them. I understand that you'd feel that way about the city, but there is no reason to extend this to Twilight! Now, what do you two have to say for yourselves?"

I can see that the hatred has rapidly vanished from the combatants' eyes. Maybe they can realise how ridiculous this all is.

Unfortunately, I am distracted from the doubtless heart-wrenching reconciliation by the distant sound of a 12 gauge shotgun shell being fired.

Author's Note

You might notice that I've added songs throughout the story. I mean, why not?