Walking the Path

by Katamariguy

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Mayor Mare, Other, Original Character
Length: 13057

Inhabitant of the Fallout Universe stumbles upon Ponyville.

He is a psychopathic, Nuka Cola-addicted, all-American, nuke-throwing cyber-commando with no regrets. She is a purple horse princess with a treehouse. Together, they will change the history of mankind.

Equestria is screwed.

A Fallout: New Vegas/ Friendship is Magic crossover

Rated Teen for high intensity language.

Published 2013-11-25 07:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-09 07:58:30 UTC

Chapter 1: The Valley of the Kings

Who am I? Name’s Martin. I’m a courier. Hero of New Vegas, explorer of the Sierra Madre, guardian of Big MT, legend of the Divide, breaker of casinos? Ring a bell? No? Oh well. All you need to know for now is that I was born in California, traveled East, worked for the Mojave Express postal service, got shot in the head, and ended up saving the New California Republic’s war effort at Hoover Dam. (Wait, did I remember to mention that the world is a radioactive wasteland?)

But what I did before doesn’t matter. Exposition is for a later time.

===================================

The Second Battle of Hoover Dam has been two-and-a-half years ago. The NCR government had awarded me the Golden Branch- the highest, most honorable award I could be given. Even not counting my greater escapades, I was a legend. In the aftermath of the battle, I finally decided I could stop my endless ramblings, settle down, abandon my life as an adventurer, gambler, soldier. But I realised that I couldn’t get rid my desire for exploration, completely inborn in my very nature. So, leaving my friends, family, and allies behind, I set out Northast. I didn’t know where I was going- what I was planning to do. As it turned out, I pretty much did the same thing I had been doing all my life. I kept on meeting people, helping them out with their problems, exploring ruins, fighting both man and beast, and getting a lot of money in the process. It was in Northern Kansas, mostly in transit to locales farther East, that my life, and the status of the entire human species, changed forever.

It was a vibrant orange sunset as I walked down the pockmarked highway. The surrounding area was practically abandoned other than the occasional trader or critter. Two followed me, my two most loyal companions. ED-E was a little floating spherical robot, about the size of a beach ball. Ever since I repaired him, he had been there with me through thick and thin. Rex the cyberdog stayed close, always having my back. I searched a few abandoned vehicles, did a little searching for my “get a functioning vehicle” project. It was quite peaceful considering what wasteland life typically is.

I found an abandoned truck stop to stay for the night. Often outposts like these are dangerous havens for raiders and mutants, but this one was completely empty, safe for a few skeletons and centuries' worth of trash and debris. I laid down some bedding, set up a fire, and sat down for the night. It was at times like these that I was able to read my books, a surprisingly useful passion in my line of work. But today, I chose to tinker. My other great specialty was technology, building and repairing it. These skills kept my guns in condition and let me repair almost anything with the right resources.

The subject of my interest was a teleporter. No, my other teleporter. I found it in some strange old research headquarters, was some kind of advanced prototype. I could only glean the vaguest of ideas of its internal workings from disassembling it, though some of the digital records helped to reveal some of the theoretical physics behind it. I was trying to work on it to discover its purpose, finding a way to turn it into something I could use. I must have done something good to it, because when I rewired one section of the thing, it activated, taking away all three of us.

=======================================

Teleportation was a familiar experience, though I had only encountered it via technology, not magic. At first it caused me violent nausea, but repeated uses of the Transportalponder! had let me adjust. The terrifying suspicion that my mind had blocked out the memories of the hidden horrors of teleportation remained, though. To be honest I wasn’t that upset by the ordeal. Enough bizarreness happens during my travels that I’m rather numb to the emotion of shock.

I immediately found myself observing an incredible sight. I was standing on a fenced dirt road, surrounding by idyllic countryside. The plants were a lush green, in full bloom, and little unmutated animals scurried around, living out their little animal-lives. The sky was almost clear of clouds, almost like a painting backdrop. Mind you, I’ve seen quite my share of beautiful skies. Gorgeous mountains lined the horizon. All my senses- sight, sound, smell, touch, taste- all of them were bombarded by sheer natural beauty. I had only seen such a place in the Zion National Park, with its scenic canyons and greenery. The lovely, snow-capped forests around Mt. Charleston also came to mind. Even my two friends seemed awed, in their own unintelligible way.

This was my first clue that I was farther from home than one would expect. Seeing unblemished nature all the way to the horizon, just couldn’t be found on Earth… That is, human Earth, I mean. The likelihood of being in a completely different universe was the first thing to come to mind, and I doubt that a more level-headed type would go so far.

You see, I’m not what most people would call “normal.” Eccentric, immature, childish, insane, idiotic, all words that might reflect me. I may be of great intelligence, but I don’t exactly have a stable personality. Still, I’m not a madman, and I still have a strong grasp on reality, so I wouldn’t call it a flaw. Just the occasional bit of odd behavior now and then, and a few irrational hatreds. I've seen worse in others.

First priority when I got a hold on myself was to assess the situation. I was on a road, obviously. As I said before, there was a white wooden fence lining it, and the pathway itself seemed measured and well-planned. I also looked farther out and saw a majestic white castle and surrounding cityscape perched on a mountain. All this lead to the clear conclusion - civilization. Granted, one I knew nothing about, and might not even be human, but I had that established. The reasonable course of action would be to seek out whatever society existed, and hopefully get some information. This was assuming the locals wouldn’t try to murder me horribly, and were able to communicate with me. Fingers crossed. At that time, I failed to realize how odd it was that the animals I had seen – squirrels, bunnies, even a weasel, had all existed on Earth. I remembered my transportalponder. My ticket back to my home lay in my pocket, but hey, why not explore this brave new world first? See its sights? Make friends? Have an adventure?

And so I was, on a road with unexplored land laying in all directions. Major landmarks tend to be along roads, so I decided to just follow the path. Now the dilemma was which way to go. After a minute of terse thought, I decided that heading in the general direction of the castle. I walked off, scoped rifle in hand, my spirits high, into the unknown.

Author's Note

This is the third story I have ever written, and I hope you enjoy it. Feel free to criticize, and help me to improve my skills.

Chapter 2: On a Lonesome Road

We trekked for twenty five minutes over surprisingly hilly terrain, the moment occurring to me to hum a little march from my army days. I didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, but I finally found a little… milestone? Is that what they’re called? The little rock sign by the road? Regardless, I took a closer look.

It was in perfectly legible English, how contrived is that?

Ponyville
3 Miles
I guessed that meant that I was heading towards this… Ponyville. I briefly supposed that the inhabitants of the locale were ponies; I immediately shot that down as absurd. Civilized horses? Nah…

And so I walked on. I hold my aged rifle close. Even in a place like this, you never know when some kind of monster or killer will come out and try to remove you from existence. I though I was getting quite close to Ponyville, and would probably be able to see it once I crested one tall hill.

I finally got to see this town. Thatched roofs, whimsical architecture, like some quaint backwater village, full of little cottages. I took out my trusty binoculars. My eyes feel a lot more comfortable seeing through them than squinting through a weapon’s scope. The alternate-universe theory is definitely looking likely; this is clearly not irradiated American suburbia.

And I could see the inhabitants of this place. Ponies. Not horses, little ponies. Ponies of all implausible colors. You wouldn’t believe this, but I saw that some were Unicorns and… pegasi? I doubt that’s the proper term. But anyhow, Ponyville was indeed a town of ponies. I could have questioned that more, but I wasn’t in the mood. All I felt was curiosity, in fact. Heh, they were actually kinda cute.

Now knowing all this, I had to decide my course of action. Should I hide from them? Make friendly contact? Unfortunately, I never had the opportunity to continue that line of thought as I heard a silly Western-style tune play, telling me of something else in my vicinity… heading right down the road behind me.

Sunny Days had not been prepared for this. Odd, new sapient creatures turned up in town every now and then, but these things observing the town were a complete mystery, something she had never even learnt of in school. Griffins, Zebras and minotaurs weren’t seen frequently in Equestria, but they were known.

The earth pony had been on a trip to another town, and had not expected anything remarkable to happen on the return trip. Instead, she encountered three completely mysterious entities.

The first she saw was a floating metal sphere. It seemed mechanical, numerous metal spikes extended from it, and it bobbed up and down as if it were a cork in water. Its body seemed bent and rusted from an earlier pristine state, and a dangerous-looking implement extended what seemed to be “forwards.” It seemingly turned towards her, and the grille that could be considered its face blared out a cheery tune. Was this object alive and aware?

Closest to her was a large dog with a brown-black coat. What was shocking about it was that much of its legs and torso were encased in mechanical-looking metal implements, seemingly fused with its flesh. Even more disturbing was its head, which was topped by a transparent dome which allowed her to see the dog’s glowing, pulsating brain.

And then there was the third and largest stranger, who was watching Ponyville prone with a large pair of binoculars. It was a tall mammalian creature covered in clothing, Like most creatures, it had four limbs, a torso, and a head, but it took a very unfamiliar form. Seeming to notice her presence, it turned around and reared up on its hind legs. Sunny now saw that this thing was somehow bipedal, despite lacking any tail. In fact, it had an interesting resemblance in body structure to a minotaur. She could now see the being’s face, which had no fur on it, yet looked unnervingly like a pony’s. It had a flat, smooth, flesh-colored face with no snout, although it had a bulging protrusion that looked to be its nose. Around it were two eyes and a mouth. Furless as it was, it had a rough-looking black mane on its head, as well as a goatee. Looking down, she saw that the thing’s forelegs - would they be called arms? – ended in hands that both had five digits, which also reminded her of the minotaur that had come to Ponyville prior. However, its rear legs had only one joint in the middle, as it apparently stood on its hocks. From what she could see, it was similar to some sort of ape. It seemed likely that it was male and adult. While she could see little of its body, Sunny could see much in the creature’s clothing.

Innermost he wore a sandy camouflage jacket, and washed-out denim cargo pants. At the end of his legs were a pair of tough combat boots. He also wore a khaki vest, studded with pouches, and a long bandolier with a beaten canteen fixed to it. A faded red bandanna was tied around his neck, underneath a pair of goggles. A shade-giving hat stood on his head, the brim upturned on the right. A long metallic implement was clutched in his hands. It was mysterious to her, but it had the aggressive lines of a weapon. But most striking of all was the long (apparently leather, to her distaste) coat that reached close to the ground, waving in the wind like a cape. A red “X” shape was emblazoned across his back, and mean-looking green pauldrons were strapped to his shoulders. And he was now looking straight at her.

Enough with the third-person limited! I’m pretty sure this whole thing will work much better with my narration! Let’s get on with the story.

Alerted to a nearby entity, I got up and turned around. I saw her trotting down the road from the direction I came from, making coconut-noises with her hooves. She was a small… pony… mare? –about the height of my stomach, pastel yellow fur and an auburn mane and tail. She looks a bit like a horse (from memories of pictures, considering I have never seen a live horse in my life), but her proportions are widely different, her head rounder and shorter, her face… unnervingly human. Large eyes, facing directly forward, like a carnivore’s. There are bags strapped to her body, probably for luggage. And I see in her face shock and unease. For a few seconds, I stare and say nothing.

“Umm… hello?”

Chapter 3: Meeting the Sunlight

The pony in front of me backed away, looking worried. I suppose it’s natural to feel fear when encountering two cyborgs (Have I mentioned that? No? Well, I’ll explain later.) and a robot, all combat-hardened. Still, I don’t like feeling like a threat. I clenched my rifle, but didn’t point it anywhere.

“Wait. Wait, I’m just as scared as you are. But we have to talk. We have to communicate.” I blurt out. Rather awkward to say that, but I tried to think of something. It also struck me that I had no idea if she would comprehend verbal English. Of course, I did see written English a whiles back, so whatever. Parallel cultures are weird like that. Rex is looking hostile. “Woah, Rexie. Don’t be mean to strangers.”

It does seem to reassure her. She seems to ready herself, and speaks.

“What are you?”

I paused, trying to react.

“Err, human. Homo sapiens, scientifically. I guess you might not know what a human is, but I am one. But, uh, what… what are you?”

“I’m- well, I’m an earth pony!”

“All of you? Ones with horns and… wings?”

“No,” she sighed, “a pony without a horn or wings is an earth pony.”

“Oh. Well, I suppose this is… first contact with an alien race? Is it? You would call me an alien, right? I don’t think I’m from around here.”

“An alien? I suppose. Wait… why are you here? Are you an invader?”

“What? No! I didn’t mean to end up here. I was just minding my business, when I just got… teleported somehow. And here I am. Look. Don’t be afraid, or hostile, or anything. I’m not a bad guy. I don’t have any reason to attack you, or any other… pony.”

“Okay? So how do you speak Equestrian?”

“I’m speaking English! I don’t know! Just some reason, our languages are the same! And, well, look, my current goal is to find some local authority so I can figure out what’s going on. I think that would be in Ponyville over there.”

“Sigh,” the mare speaks, seemingly more exasperated than terrified or suspicious, “I guess I’ll take you down there. Ponyville has a princess that you can deal with. Just don’t cause any trouble, and I promise she’ll deal fairly with you. C’mon.”

This pony starts trotting down the road to the village, and I, somewhat bemused at these sudden shocks, follow her. She starts speaking.

“So you’re saying you just teleported?”

“Yes! I don’t how or why, but we found ourselves transported a ways back. I certainly did not purposely come here with hostile intent.”

“O-kay. Now, what’s the deal with your dog?”

“Rex? Mechanical augmentation. Thanks to all those machine bits, he’s smarter, stronger, and can live for centuries. I’m not his first owner, you see.”

I added, “You’re reacting surprisingly well, considering I’m an unknown, frightening creature carrying deadly weapons. With two dangerous companions too.”

The little conversation cut off as we came closer to the town. And now that I am in proximity, the residents had seen me. One or tocolorful equines retreated, locking down their homes or running off down the street. But most of Ponyville’s population just stands there, half petrified and half bewildered by this strange arrival. Rather apathetic, relatively speaking. That was more welcoming than I would have expected, considering the circumstances.

I called out. “Hello? I’m not from around here. Can you lead me to where the princess dwells?” Then I heard something coming over to me fast. In almost an instant, SHE arrived. Pink fur. Pinker mane and tail. And the biggest, cheeriest smile I have ever seen, so wide it looked painful.

“Hi! I’ve never seen anything like you in town! But I heard you coming so I came to give a welcome! So hi! I’m Pinkie Pie and I’m giving you a big welcome to Ponyville!” she says in a hyper, almost sugary voice. Before I could react, there was a whole insane song and dance number in front of me; she even had some kind of colorful welcome cart thing! It baked cake and threw out confetti, like something out of a circus.

Unable to speak, I slowly walked over and took some pieces of the cake and stuck it in my mouth. Light, fluffly, and sweet. The flavor was what I’d imagined a proper cake would taste like, not those horrible disgusting Fancy Lads cream pies. I turned to her.

“Well, thanks kid. You can bake well. I appreciate such great hospitality. But I’m here for a purpose. I’m trying to get some kind of audience with a princess she” pointing to the mare that had met me, “told me of. Can you help me?”

“Definitely! Princess Twilight is one of my best friends! She lives in the library a short whiles away! It’s actually built in a giant tree, but I don’t know how they made it without killing the-”

“Woah girl,” I said, holding up a hand, “you can talk to me later. Can you take me to the library?”

“Certainly! It’s right down that street!” she spoke, “Follow me!”

So the three of us started off in that direction. There were also a few fascinated villagers who were concerned enough to start following us on our way.

“As I was saying- wait, what’s your name, miss?”

“Sunny Days.”

“Thanks. As I was saying, you pony folk seem surprising calm considering that I’m not something you’ve seen before- let alone looking very dangerous. Yet you two especially stay calm and don’t seem too perturbed, taking things in stride.”

“Sigh. I guess it’s just all the strange things that seem to be attracted to this town. Chaos gods, ravenous hordes of bugs, odd beings from all over the planet. You’re not as shocking as you’d think.” She sighs, seeming resigned.

“Gee, my life gets rather bizarre too. I guess I’m not alone.”

Pinkie joins in. “You see, the other time a long time ago we showed undue fear to a newcomer simply because she was different. I guess some of us learned a less- oh, hey! There’s the library!”

Chapter 4: Flying Oddities

Why a princess would dwell in a library was beyond me, but I can definitely applaud such a noble choice of residence. At least I would have expected something grand and stately, Greek temples and marble columns, something that looked a little like a palace. Instead what the ponies had let me to was a big, wide tree. You see, this library was literally built into the tree. It wasn’t just a treehouse or anything, it was carved into the tree and fitted with windows and balconies and such. The craziest thing was that the tree was still alive- it had leaves all over and was still fully rooted. Yes, it was pretty whimsical, just like almost everything I had seen. Still, it looked like it would make a lovely home.

Two white male (Notable, considering the seemingly female-skewed gender ratio I have observed so far) winged ponies stand at the door, completely motionless and emotionless. They stand out because of the golden armor and plumed helmets they wear. Doesn’t look too suited for combat, considering that most of their bodies are still exposed, but definitely very shiny and impressive. Their presence makes me slightly less incredulous at my destination.

Words escape my mouth.

“So… that’s it? Do I need some kind of special arrangement to meet her?”

Pinkie speaks up.

“No! Trust me, I know her, she would be happy to meet someone like you!”

“Thanks…. Well, I guess goodbye to you two for now. I have a royal audience I need to attend, and, um… I’ll try to meet you… never got your name?” I said, referring to the first pony that had encountered me.

“Sunny. Sunny Days.”

“Oh. All right then, I’m going in… Sunny. Well, farewell. You’ve been a good friend.”

Well, not completely. She’d been a bit snippy and cynical around me… but something in her, she sounded like me, a good heart, but a little weary and jaded. Then again, she did seem a bit cynical compared to my optimism.

No matter. I started pacing for the door of the structure. No reaction from the guards, but a stealing glance I barely detected. I got closer and closer, coming into their close vicinity. I must have made a step too close to ignore, because they got alert and hostile.

In the blink of an eye they activated some kind of spring-loaded armor mechanism to extend sharp-looking spears, and jolted up to me. Their blades came dangerously close to my neck. I could have feasibly tried to take them on in combat, but aggravating this situation is something that I must avoid. The tougher-looking one spoke up.

“”Halt! Stand down or you will taken into custody, by her Majesty’s authority!”

“Look, I can understand your caution and hostility, but I… have no hostile intent. I was only-“

Before I can finish trying to placate them, I hear someone behind me. It’s Sunny.

“Hey! What are you doing! He’s here because he should have an audience with the princess!”

The two gruff assholes turn to her.

“What do you know of this creature?”

“I… I met him outside of town. He came off as reasonable and… peaceful, so I directed him here.”

The two soldiers were going to respond, but before they can speak a fourth voice enters the fray.

“Guards? Has there been a disturbance?”

“Yes, your highness. Some creature has wandered into the town and is here for an audience.” He makes a quick aside to me. “I… apologize for this… standoff.”

“I’m not displeased, uh, sir. You responded in a perfectly understandable way to my arrival.”

In a few seconds, she comes out the door. The princess, I guess. Didn’t look that much different from any other “pony,” purple (lavender?) fur, darker mane/tail, a bit of striping.. What is striking is that she has a horn, in addition to a massive set of wings on her flanks. That makes her what, a pegacorn? She also has a bit of royal regalia, all golden; a thing to go around her neck, elegant looking shoes (Not horseshoes, different… shoes), and a crown atop her head. Her mane is styled in a special way, curvy and flat-cut. And now that she’s out here, she sees me.

“Are you-“

“Your pink friend directed me here. I was looking for somewhere I could discuss my situation. So… here I am. I want an audience. With you. Please?”

She sighs.

“Come in…”

And I followed her in. The guards stayed outside. How considerate of them, even if it may be irresponsible. The door barely admitted me, but I didn’t have to crouch down. Seeing the interior, I could see that the room had not been built inside the tree in any sense, but rather hollowed out. Cozy. Numerous bookshelves in the walls, a few doors and stairways leading to other areas. I walk over and sit on the steps.

“Spike! Come down here!”

One of the second-floor doors burst open pretty quickly. Out popped this purple-with-green-bellied… reptile?

“Twilight! I’m-woah! What’s going on here? What are those?”

And he can speak.

“Calm down, Spike. I let him in here to speak with me. You can come down.”

“Who- what are you?” I said.

“Spike. Young dragon- I’m the princess’s assistant!”\

“A dragon? Heh,” I say while continually chuckling.

“Spike, I want you to record this conversation. Could you get some paper?”

“On it!”

She turned to me.

“Right! I have some important questions I need to ask to understand the situation. May I-“

“Sure, sure. I am happy to answer them,” I say.

“First. Who are you?”

Author's Note

The more I write this, the more I feel it's terribly cliched. Please help me by forming your criticisms.

Chapter 5: We're Dying Here

“Who am I? I’m the Courier,” I flatly stated with emphasis.

All they give are blank stares.

“I- Well, I guess it is silly to introduce myself like that… Look, it’s just what people started calling me, okay? I used to be a package carrier, so, um…” I try to explain, blushing increasingly.

“Well… never mind all that. All right. My name’s Martin. First name Stanley.”

The princess speaks.

“Well… Mr. Martin, I’ve never heard of anything like your species. I may sound rude, but… what are you?”

“I’m a human. Homo sapiens, scientifically. Bipedal, sparse hair, no tail. And we got hands at the ends of our arms- forelegs? And on our legs we have these odd… you know what apes are, right?”

“Of course.”

“Yeah. Apes, pretty much. Probably a derogatory word to use, but still. Ape-descendants, anyway.”

“Yes! I’m sure I could learn more about you.”

“Wait. I… well, I need your answers to the same questions you’re asking about me. Because I’m completely unfamiliar with this land, I need to learn too.”

It was Spike who spoke then.

“Wait! Homo… sapyy-”

“s-a-p-i-e-n-s. I doubt scientific names matter anyway. Anyhow, you’re a princess, right? ...Your majesty?” I say, slightly uneasy.

“Yes I am. But please, call me Twilight.”

“In this little tree-library? I’m guessing it’s your palace?”

“It is. I know it’s not a sprawling castle, but it’s my home. We lived here for a long time, even before I became a princess.”

“You weren’t one before?”

“My mentor, Princess Celestia. She was the one who deemed worthy and ascended me to an alicorn. That’s how I got these,” she tells me, unfurling her wings.

“Pah. Every little girl’s dream… Wait, I didn’t see any ponies that had both wings and a horn. Are you some kind of ruling race?” The thought occurs to me.

“Well, I suppose… Almost all of the royal family are of the three main subgroups. I… guess we’re… senior?”

“Okay. So straightforwardly, I’m in Equestria, inhabited by you ponies?”

“Yes, but there are other species and nations around the planet.”

“Okay, that’s settled- wait. Humans… are omnivores. We eat meat, even if we don’t require it. Will that be problem?”

She was going to respond, but then I interrupted.

“Oh, and I’m wearing a lot of leather things…”

I grow increasingly uncomfortable, and so do the other two.

“It… won’t be a problem. Most ponies… know better than to judge, especially those with carnivorous pets.”

“Um. That’s settled. So you have three subspecies? What are the differences? I mean other than flight...”

“Pegasi, those are the winged ponies, they can stand on clouds as if they were solid. Earth ponies have a special connection with the environment that makes them natural farmers, miners, and other jobs. And unicorns like I used to be have access to controllable, functional magic.”

I stare blankly.

“Magic. Okay,” I deadpan.

“...Was it something I said?” says Twilight.

“I… magical powers? What? I… can you demonstrate?”

She closes her eyes, and a sparkly (heh) purple glow emanates from her horn with a chiming noise. Suddenly, my right hand is bathed in a similar aura and some impulse drags it upwards.

“Telekinesis. All right. You, uh, ‘cause most humans don’t believe magic exists.”

Now that shocks her.

“Disbelieving in magic…?”

“Well, uh, no one has magical powers, and magical things only happen in fiction and myth… Huh, lots of
surprises for both of us. Geez, is that how pegasi fly with wings too small to reasonably support them, biologically speaking?”

“Yes. I… Gee, I have another thing to ask about. Who are your companions?”

My two friends were mostly just sitting about and enduring what odd looks they were getting. I point to the (cyber)
dog.

“That’s Rex. He’s, uh, my dog.”

“But, what happened to him? Why is his body… his brain all…”

Mind you, three of his legs and much of his body were mechanical, and instead of a braincase, he had a glass
dome showing his brain within.

“Well, he’s mechanically augmented. Machine parts help him a lot. Smarter, stronger, longer lived…”

She looks quite uncomfortable. But hey, so am I.

“Yeah, I know. Kind of… barbaric. But he’s still a loving companion. And I wasn’t responsible. C’mere!”

Old boy comes to my lap and rests. I stroke his back.

“And that’s ED-E.” Pronounced “Eddie,” though it was just me who decided to call him that. “He… It… How do I explain…”

“Well, ED-E’s a robot. Do you happen to get that?”

"Yes, we do have concepts of robots. But for the most part, robots haven't really ever been constructed except as prototypes."

"Ah. We humans... built a lot. This little guy's sentient, even."

“You’ve created sentience? Artificially?”

“Indeed. Don’t ask me how, it just seems that quite a few machines just... gain awareness on their own somehow. So yeah, I’ve got my two most loyal friends with me, and I’m pleased to be in your land.”

And the next question.

“What are those things in your hands? You have something attached to you, and that implement you’re carrying. I believe it’s a firearm?”

“Yes, it, um, is. I need to be prepared travelling through the wilderness. I… probably shouldn’t keep it around, in the royal dwelling, I mean. Actually I think your guards have confiscated everything. I’ll just lay them down. Because I trust you.
Not to harm me.”

I slowly lay my shotgun on the floor.

A pause.

I start moving again, unloading an entire armory of seventeen different guns, energy blasters, anti-tank weapons, blades, clubs, and a mountain of explosives.

“Do you really need that much protection, as well as that armor?” says Twilight.

“Better safe than sorry when travelling. I go to a lot of dangerous places, you see.”

“I see. Now, what is the device mounted onto you there?”

“Ah! My third best friend! Or second? Or first? I dunno. Anyway, it’s a Pip-Boy 3000. Finest portable computer you’ll find anywhere. Not intelligent, like, uh, him.”

“A computer? It’s very small… What is it for?”

“Ah. Tons of things. It can assess my physical condition and state, give me basic medical help, monitor my surroundings. store text and speech, map and locate me, and most importantly, play music. But for the most part, I just use it to organize myself. My goals, my situation, my schedule. We’re inseparable. Mostly. Cause it’s bound to my skin permanently. Need a technician to get it off.”

Spike speaks up, which actually surprises me, given that he was mostly silent.

“Can it play games?"

“What do you mean, uh, games? On a machine? Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You don’t know what a video game is? An interactive entertainment on a computer?”

“Don’t really know of anything like that. Well, we have interactive simulators, but they’re for serious wor-”

I am interrupted when the door slams open. Six ponies enter, followed by the two guards. But all I can say is-

“Hey, Pinkie!”

Author's Note

Not only am I a dreadful writer, but Google Docs gives me all this crap. Damn.

Chapter 6: Meet the Gang

Six mares and the guards. I see a gathering behind them. Sunny and Pinkie are known to me. The rest are new.

First one. Orange earth pony. Blond hair. Three apples on her sides. One of the nicest cowboy hats I've ever seen on her head. And get this, her mane and tail were both in ponytails. Ha! Heheh, give me a moment. Can't resist laughing.

The next closest is a blue pegasus. Get this, her loose, unkempt was a rainbow. Seriously. No dye. The full spectrum. In stripes. She is only hovering, which is odd, because reasonably that would be way too exhausting with that body weight, right? Right? Laws of physics and all?

I'll be straight out, she is pretty. What does it matter that she isn't human?

And farther out I see a white unicorn. Long eyelashes, this crazy purple mane/tail. Seriously, it was curled so much it just went on and on in spirals. How long does she style it every day? Hell, how does she sleep?

And the final unknown was a yellow pegasus. Flowing pink hair. Three butterflies on her. What's with those marks?

I turn to the princess.

"So who are these? I've met Pinkie and Sunny..."

"They're my friends. They've gone through thick and thin with me."

"Oh. Um, hello."

I lack names, so I'll just refer to them as Cowgirl, Rainbow, Fashionista, and... Shy? She does seem the most reserved. Whatever.

Cowgirl is talking to Pinkie. With a southern accent, inexplicably yet oddly appropriately.

"So Pinkie, you're tellin' me that some tall two-legged creature came into town-"

She stops, and sees me.

"Woah."

"Hi. I'm who she's talking about."

The next few seconds consist entire of silent staring. Purple-and-white breaks it.

"Twilight! Pinkie rushes over to every single one of us, talking about an alien encounter, making us rush over with this mare, and..."

Sunny butts in.

"Yeah, yeah, this guy comes on the Eastern road, and I was first to meet him.."

"And your friend sees me and has this crazy welcome, and she advises that I come here. Jeez, that's some cake she bakes." I finish. "I'm a human, my name is Martin, this is my dog and my best friend, and I was just visiting. There, that's introductions dealt with. So..." I turn to Princess Twilight, "your friends?"

"I'm Applejack. Mah family runs the local apple farm, not to mention orchards all over Equestria."

"I'm Rainbow Dash. I run the weather in this town. Oh, and I'm training for the Wonderbolts," she says with a smile.

"Who're they?"

"Ah, just the greatest stunt flying team in the world."

"Mmm- wait, what were you saying about the weather?"

"I lead the town's weather team. It's not much most days, we just need to go according to schedule, let off a few downpours for hydration, bring the snow for winter, get rid of it, just like every other town. We did have a shining moment, we were able to empty the reservoir and send it all the way to the cloud factory."

"What? Wait... what you're saying is that you control, manage, and manufacture the weather and climate?"

"Uh, yeah," she deadpans.

At this moment I am silent, my facial expression best described as "What the shit? Are you kidding me?"

I gather myself without freaking out.

"Okay. It's just... That's a completely alien concept to me. Nothing like anything... Let's just get introduced. So who're you?" I ask the last stranger.

"I'm... [indistinguishable]"

"Huh?"

"Her name's Fluttershy. She's the town's animal caretaker. And former renowned fashion model," Pinkie tells me.

"Oh. Hi."

"Hi," she says, rather meekly.

I look for a way to get across to her.

"Um. Do you... like dogs?"

"I do."

She does look more active. I stand up and carry over ol' Rexie.

"He's kinda vicious, but he's got a heart of gold. Wha-"

He escapes my arms and starts licking her silly. Adorable. Everyone else seems to think the same.

"Okay. Mr Martin?" Twilight asks.

"Mmm?"

"I have decided that we should convene at the town hall. You should meet the Mayor, and we will be able to continue our conversations."

"Sure. Let's go."

Author's Note

Coincidentally, Sunny just happens to look like Button's mom. Complete coincidence.

Chapter 8: A Respite at Last

Turns out that she was having the letter sent by having Spike incinerate it. Somehow the smoke would travel away and reach its recipient in a matter of seconds. You'd think there'd be high demand for dragons able to do this.

"Dragons are rare and tend not to get along with ponies. Spike has lived with and been raised by ponies his entire life," I'm told.

I throw away my coat and sit down at a chair.

"All right. We finally have enough peace and quiet, and there's a lot to talk about. So ask away. My questions can wait a little."

Everyone either gets seated or mills about shiftlessly.

"How the hey do you walk on two legs without even a tail?" Rainbow brashly asks.

"Ah. It's a huge part of childhood. Takes several years to build the required control. Huh. Wonder if a tail would help me walk. Whatever."

"And how come you stand on your fetlocks?"

"Fetlocks?"

I stand and stare at my feet.

"Yeah, that's just how we stand for some reason. Like other apes. We're pretty much apes. Yeah."

"Hmm. Are you carnivores?"

"No. Plants are fine, so long as they don't have cellulose. So no grass or hay or anything like that."

"And why's your face bald?" she asks, going on with the body questions.

"Again, just the way I am. Got some body hair, but it can hardly be described as fur. That's why I'm so covered up. Keep the sun off."

"Anything special?"

"Well, actually not much, apart from good dexterity," I say, flexing a few fingers.

"Your body's actually a bit like that minotaur who showed up a few years back."

Needless to say, that doesn't even faze me.

"Huh. Minotaurs were supposed to be half-human. Odd. Whatever. Okay. Anything else?"

"What are your people like?" Fluttershy says. She does seem a bit reserved.

"Um. Well, simply said, everybody's wildly different. In personality and everything else. Like you are so diverse, we are too. We're people, plain and simple."

It happens that Applejack drops the bombshell with her question.

"So. Exactly why have we seen none of your kind ever before?"

"Um. Crap. You see, I was messing about with teleportation and... I think I'm from another world."

Almost everyone looks shocked or at least shows great interest.

"I suspected as much," is all Rainbow thinks about it.

"Really? You're an alien?" Sunny scoffs.

"Right, I- Wait, what planet am I on?"

"Earth, of course," Twilight offers.

"Okay. I'm just going to assume that our two worlds have the same name. It's not like that's the first bizarre parallel I've seen. Because I've never been to heard of Equestria."

"What do you mean, 'parallels?'"

"Alright. Let's see, despite seemingly having no contact whatsoever, we share a language, a script, basic cultural mores, biology, heck, this town has human architecture in it. That's why we've been able to communicate so well speaking to each other."

"Yes, I was wondering about that. It was quite strange to me."

"Okay. Maybe we should worry about that matter later. I'm sure you have other desperate questions, but can I ask some? For starters, could you tell me more about Equestria?"

"Let's see, largest population of ponies on Earth with 27 million citizens, two-billion square miles stretching across the continent of Equus, diverse economy, rich natural resources, and realm of the two alicorn princesses, who command the sun and the skies," Pinkie suddenly rattles off at a speed just slow enough for me to understand.

"Yeah, I guess Celestia is one of the- what? The sun and the skies?"

Everyone's facial expressions appear as if to say that were perfectly ordinary.

"They... control them?"

"Uh, yeah?" Pinkie responds, again as if my skepticism is something unusual.

"What, they just move the sun and moon around each day or something?" I say, just so slightly agitated.

"Yup, you got it!" she replies, cheerfully and completely honestly.

"I... Do you know how many trillions of trillions of tons that thing weighs? And you talking about individuals moving them around the earth? Like their some kind of invincible goddesses? The hell?"

"Please, calm down! I assure you... I believe your cosmology is wildly different from ours?" Twilight interjects.

I take a deep breath and cradle my head in a hand.

"Okay, okay. Who is Celestia's sister?" I ask, more sedately.

"Princess Luna rules alongside her sister, ever since she returned a few years ago," she tells me.

"Let me guess, the moon is her charge?"

Twilight nods.

"And they're not all-powerful just because they move the celestial bodies, which aren't 'trillions of trillions' of tons here. They just have special power in that area. The job of raising the sun used to be handled by teams of unicorns, you know. But I'm curious how the heavens function in your world?"

Oh boy. Here we go.

Author's Note

Short and late, I know, I know.

Chapter 9: Newton is Spinning in His Grave

"Geez. Well, to start, we don't have anyone interfering with the cosmos. Everything's just moving along as natural"

I note that what I'm saying actually seems to intrigue them.

"I - um, got any paper? That would make it less of a headache."

Twilight retrieves some parchment out of a cabinet for me.

"Good. Thanks. Anyhow-"

"Is that a writing instrument?" the Princess interrupts.

It appears she's talking about the ballpoint pen I pulled out of my vest.

"Yes. It's a pen... don't tell me you mostly use quills."

"We... do?"

"I, er, just try it out. You'll get it."

She grabs the pen from my hand and tries scribbling.

"Oh, my! It's- it's so smooth! It just glides across the paper! And this ink- it's drying in seconds! Incredible!"

She turns to me with a disturbingly manic grin.

"How does it work? -Wait, do you have more? Can I have them?"

I rummage deep into my backpack with one arm.

"Here. I've got dozens. Dirt cheap. Have as many as you need. Reverse-engineer them or something."

"Hey, wait! Let me have a go!" Spike says as he takes one and tests it for himself. "Twilight, this thing is incredible! I just can't go back to quills!"

Some of the others also take some for themselves.

"Thank you very much. I'd love to be able to work on them. I'm sure other ponies would also be enamored with them. I could contact some associates back at the university for you," the Princess says.

I completely disassemble the little metal piece into its components.

"It's simple enough. The pen just holds all the ink inside of it. The tip, however, is a tiny little metal ball," I say, holding it up for clarity.

"Because it rolls around the paper, it's much more smooth than anything else with just a pointed tip."

"And," I say, screwing the pen together, "the knob on the end retracts it all. So you don't accidentally make a mark, probably. Honestly, I'd rather stick with a pencil. And I'm sorry, but the ink's a complex formula that I don't really know much about. I believe newspaper ink was a starting point for it, though. Say, you don't have metal pens, do you?"

Annoyed, she shakes her head.

"They have been invented for a while. Sadly, all the quill sellers seem to use their clout to fight them. You'll only rarely find an expensive fountain pen that is cherished by its owner. And, it goes to say that with feathers being so abundant, it's actually more convenient to make quills for yourself."

To demonstrate, she actually plucks out one of her lavender feathers, flinching, and in a blaze of light, refines it into a fully functional quill.

"I see. Wait a second, I really can't take this heat anymore. I've been hiking in the Sun for a long time."

I suddenly strip off my vest and scarf, unzipping my jacket.

"You," Sunny can only mutter, "you need a shower."

"Our friend is a bit blunt, but you are a bit... unclean. Can I offer you the use of my bathroom, after we're done here?" Rarity adds.

"That's... kind. Very kind. Thank you. And sorry, but there isn't really any sanitation out on the plains. I did what I could, but yes, I'm filthy. Hopefully I don't stink too much for you to ignore right now... And all that sweat's also why I need a drink. I've forgotten to have some water for several hours."

I move to pull out my old canteen, but before I take a swig of stale, lukewarm water, the Princess hurriedly fetches the ice-cold pitcher of water on a cupboard I had failed to notice.

"Thanks. I desperately needed that."

The water has some yellow citrus fruit in it. Lemon? It does seem to add a pleasant flavor to it.

"Now, let's get to it before we get more sidetracked. So."

I draw a simple circle on the paper.

"Alright. This is the sun. It's a yellow star about a million kilometers in diameters. Actually fairly small as far as stars go."

Looking up, everyone's pupil's have either grown or shrunk. Not to mention one or two dropped jaws. Returning to the drawing, I add a dot and a circular orbit.

"Yeah, it's massive. But, our Earth is a hundred-fifty k away from the sun, so in size it looks just the same as that one up there," I say. "Oh, I must have forgotten."

I hastily add a smiley face to the Sun. Someone brought her hoof to her face, but I'm not too concerned with that. I point a finger up to the sky.

"Now, Princess, could you just explain your conception of gravity."

She actually smiles and rubs her front hooves together. Adorable.

"Well, all matter will attract all other matter towards itself in relation to proximity."

"Exactly. Now since the sun is so massive, the Earth is falling towards it. But, since it's already flying sideways at the correct speed, its falling will bring it into revolving around the sun. So for us, at least, we define a year as one orbit."

"Hang on," responds Applejack, "your year isn't just the four seasons?"

"Oh. Well, uh, before we understood the science of it, we just thought of the years as the passing of the seasons, yes. They're directly linked."

Rainbow interrupts.

"Okay. You haven't spelled it out- how is it you have night and day then?"

I bite my lip and breath in.

"Well, the whole planet is also constantly rotating counterclockwise around the poles. From the North Pole. Not the magnetic poles, those are at slightly different points. Once every twenty four hours, approximately, so you see the sun rise in the east and set in the west."

"You don't get flung off? You gotta be travelling at hundreds of meters a second at that rate," she has to point out.

"Ah. Well, remember that you don't really notice your speed when you're moving in a smooth motion along with your surroundings. It's practically imperceptible from the ground. You will be very slightly lighter, though. Less than a percent, so it's hardly noticeable. It also pulls the planet into a slightly fatter shape, but it might as well be a sphere."

"Okay, now that's crazy," is all Rainbow can respond with.

"Got a point. It sure is, isn't it? And yet in the end everything seems the same as it is here."

Twilight has her own question.

"That's strange. Why would the days be in sync with the orbit so that there would be three hundred sixty five of them?"

Almost guessed she'd ask that.

"Fact of the matter is, they don't. It puts our calenders through a lot of headache, I'll tell you that. The most common system compensates by occasionally having years with three hundred and sixty six days. That extra day is February 29th. And there are even more adjustments at times."

"Woo. Kinda makes you glad our princesses follow a nice tidy schedule, doesn't it, guys" says Pinkie.

I have to chuckle. I get to scribbling the final portions of the drawing.

"Lucky. Geez. And there's the moon. Through the whole time, it's circling around Earth counterclockwise- while it's going around the
Sun, so you get this lovely lacy pattern. Takes about 29 days or so, so the relation with the months is a bit confused. And- I'd suppose you'd be wondering about the seasons. It's all because of the planet spinning- this rotation is actually way off-kilter. And through the year the Sun is at a different angle relative to it."

I flipped over the sheet for more space. I don't need to describe what I drew. You've certainly seen it a million times in elementary school.

"Also, that axis is along a different line than the one that is the planet's magnetic field. Things have to be so much harder than they could be. But it's close enough. You can trust a compass. Anyhow, the seasons come in because of the tilt- you can see that the hemispheres end up with different lengths of day. And because they have more and fewer hours of day, the temperature shifts, and all the plants and animals react to the changes. So you have a regular cycle every year."

Miss Sparkle is slightly perturbed by what she hears.

"Hang on! That doesn't make sense! I can poke a lot of holes into that idea. Firstmost, wouldn't that cause the two hemispheres to have seasons opposite to each other? Wouldn't the tropics have severely reduced seasons? Wouldn't the poles have twelve-month days?"

I put up my hands in mock surrender.

"Yup. You nailed it. All three of those occur. Crazy world. All because of a little motion. Isn't that silly? I'm glad you understand it that much, though."

Right then is when the next question dawns on me. I raise an index finger.

"Hey. Could you tell me about the rest of the Solar System?"

"Princess Luna has them as her dominion. Though her sister had to take over for her for the millennium she spent away from Equestria. The eight planets, the dwarf planets, all the asteroids and other bodies, comets and debris floating throughout. And outside of the Sun's light, we have the surrounding galaxy, and further away, countless others. It's an uncountably vast expanse."

"Well. What do you know, our skies are, well, pretty much the same. They just follow the mechanics I described. Here."

I use the unused paper to make an even more comprehensive model of the universe.

Twilight smiles at me.

"All of this was so fascinating. I'm so thankful you could sit down for this. I-"

She's interrupted when Spike drops all of his writing and belches out a massive green stream of flame. The fire coalesces into a sealed letter. I was in no way prepared.

"CHRIST! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HIM?"

Author's Note

I apologize that this chapter had practically no links to Fallout whatsoever.

Alternate universe tag due to lack of crystal tree castle.

AUGUST 27 - Negligable revisions. Justification for holding off Chapter 10 for another few months.

Chapter 10: Gunslinger Retirement

It... may have been a little bit of an overreaction. For a second, all I could think was that the guy was dying horribly. While burping.

I put a hand to my chest, trying to slow my deep, rapid breaths.

"Whew. Just a letter. Just a letter. Shouldn't be freaking out. Okay. Calm down. So. What's it say?"

Spike clears his breath and gets all dignified to read it for everyone. Presumably, it's something he rather enjoys doing.

My Dearest Fellow Princess Twilight,

I would wish for you to bring your guest to Canterlot for a audience with myself. I'm sure you will agree that Equestria can learn much from these humans.

Princess Celestia

She sounds like a pleasant sort. I'd be glad to visit.

"Canterlot? That the huge city I saw to the north?"

"Yup! It's our capital, and the city where I lived as a filly!"

Sunny interjects.

"Don't listen to her. Canterlot's where all the worthless stuck-up heads-high nobles dwell. The princesses are the only good things there."

I realize that the sound of ice breaking is actually emanating from the Princess's teeth. She's pissed, for obvious reasons.

"Ah, ha ha, I... no offense?" Miss Days stammers out, putting on the weakest smile possible.

I don't have to detail how it turned into an ugly hissing match right then and there. Me, well, I just end up staring at the brewing storm in a bemused daze, like I'm wont to do. I take the opportunity to turn to the others in the room, after drinking another glass of water.

...She really does seem to love animals. Only she could make a grizzled attack cyberdog act like a puppy within an hour of meeting him.

"Is... Is it normal for her to... be like this?" I question no one in particular.

"Twilight has been a tad bit neurotic for as long as we've known her. Still, ah've never known her to be... violent," Applejack informs me.

"I guess anyone would act like that if you slighted their family hard enough. Still, is there anything to what she claimed?"

Rarity the unicorn speaks up.

"Darling, I do know from personal experience that Canterlot's elite class... is as your friend describes it, for a large part. I have met my share of snobs and... blue-blooded idiots," she informs me, scowling, looking more and more like she's reminiscing about some ex-boyfriend. She suddenly lightens up. "But Sunny's also wrong. The noble class does have many good-hearted ponies. They're not all as she thinks- Twilight's family being among those who don't let status get to their head."

"I'll remember that. Say, I don't suppose someone should try breaking them up?"

At this point, the two have begun tussling. Furiously. They've even knocked over a wonderful looking vase, among all the furniture they've disturbed. I do hope this isn't indicative of some violent class strife among these ponies. Regardless of that, they're not so different from humans, from all I've seen talking with them. They're just little people with hooves.

Any further musings I may have are interrupted by the door to the conference room being slammed open.

The Mayor of Ponyville was not a happy pony. She had been swamped with reports of what was alternately described as a "monster," an "alien," a "new friend," "somepony," and even a "flaming hottie" (She was considering revoking Bon Bon's license). Yet again, her supposedly "quiet backwater" town turned out to be nothing of the sort. She supposed that it wasn't too illogical, given the town's proximity to the Everfree Forest, various dimensional anomalies, and the number of contaminants in the water supply, but she regretted her political career nonetheless. Some manner of creature turning up and finding an audience with the local princess was the least of her worries.

What did seriously concern her was the fact that what she found in Town Hall's meeting hall was a furious battle between the Princess Regent of Friendship and an Earth Pony she had never seen before. As well as the (former, ever since the vine incursion that gave her a welcome break) Element Bearers, some manner of camouflaged ape-thing with a beard, and some... things? Whatever those two machine-creatures were, they weren't her problem. What did matter was the political disaster that was exploding within her territory. Right then, the... person, she had no idea what else to mentally call it, spoke up.

"Look, I've got nothing to do with this, ma'am! She's the one who disparaged Canterlot and pissed off the Princess! We're just sitting here, being bystanders! Right, girls?"

"Mm, hm!" I hear in agreement.

The beige pony groans and tries to cradle her obviously pained head in her front hooves. This is going to be a long, long day, and I'm suffering from some serious sleep deprivations.

...

Why the hell is she wearing a collar and tie?

Author's Note

I would have written more, but I hate my readers and want them to suffer.

Chapter 11: How to Shame Royalty

No, seriously, why is she wearing a collar and tie? No shirt or anything, just a ring of starched cloth with some kind of tie at the front. It just doesn't make sense.

Come to seriously consider the matter, the very concept of wearing bits of fabric around one's neck as a fashion statement is in itself absurd. Damn Croats. I guess it's nice to know that such idiotic notions transcend species.

Oh well, I guess it makes sense to have some kind of identification when these ponies seem to completely eschew clothing. Why royalty would go naked is beyond naked. I guess she's really humble. That definitely makes sense, given her behavior towards me.

Getting back to the state of things, the Mayor of town looks pretty damn miserable. The melee going on in here is probably some kind of PR disaster for her. Maybe I should play the do-gooder and help her out with this. Business as usual. The Mayor sighs in resignation to the insanity she is witnessing. It's a tense conversation, given the violent confrontation tearing furniture apart just a few meters away. All of a sudden, she calms down and looks dour.

"Can anypony explain to me... why some manner of biped is having an audience with the Princess, who is currently assaulting another pony?" is all she can mutter out.

(Anypony? What the hell?)

Before I can try to explain myself, it's the dragon who suavely speaks up and saves my ass.

"Actually, Miss Mayor, I wrote down everything. This transcript will tell you everything you need to know."

She doesn't respond. In fact, she looks like she's about ready to faint, what with the bags under her eyes and the increasing number of stray pink hairs in her mane. (No, I don't know why. Maybe dye) She just takes up the pages and sits down at the opposite end of the table. In the meantime, I turn to Spike.

"Hey. I'm getting the impression that this town is... a little bit lively. She doesn't seem that fazed, given the circumstances. In fact, she seems pretty jaded about me turning up."

"Sheesh," he says, smiling, "something crazy happens in town every week. Monster attacks, crazy travellers, ancient evils, all the time! It's just the way the town is."

"Sounds like the kind of town I'd like to stay in. I should remember it."

Goings-on in the room are no less violent than they were before. This is getting tiresome.

"That's it, I'm putting an end to this nonsense. Someone help me break them up!"

"Reporting for duty!"

Rainbow, Apples, and Pinks stand up to help me. They do seem to be the more action oriented of the seven. Yes, I've already made up nicknames without their permission.

We don't last five seconds trying to play peacemaker before being incapacitated by magical-princess hooves to the face. Yes, I'm a terrifying cyber-commando, but that doesn't make me invincible. And hooves make for incredibly painful blunt instruments.

In short, miserable failure.

But there is one hope left... in the form of one Fluttershy. Her face tells me that she has absolutely had enough of this shit. I suppose that first appearances can be deceiving. Velvet glove over an iron fist.

"ENOUGH!" she bellows, in a remarkably intimidating voice, given that she's a tiny little horse.

In fact, it was enough to shock everyone present into stunned silence, even the two throttling each other.

"Twilight? I'm disappointed in you. You are not acting as a princess should! Princess Celestia didn't crown you so that you could cruelly attack those who come to you. And in front of foreign dignitaries, no less!"

Twilight seems calmed by this talking-down... and a bit flushed, too.

"And you! Surely you understood that you shouldn't treat the princess in such a way? I know that I have met some of the most wonderful ponies I have ever met in Canterlot, Twilight's Noble family being among them. I understand that you'd feel that way about the city, but there is no reason to extend this to Twilight! Now, what do you two have to say for yourselves?"

I can see that the hatred has rapidly vanished from the combatants' eyes. Maybe they can realise how ridiculous this all is.

Unfortunately, I am distracted from the doubtless heart-wrenching reconciliation by the distant sound of a 12 gauge shotgun shell being fired.

Author's Note

You might notice that I've added songs throughout the story. I mean, why not?

Chapter 12: Buckshot Ballad

Shit.

Trust me, I know that sound. I've heard that signature report enough times for a lifetime. The only twelve-gauge within a thousand miles is right there in the library... within reach of several of those who would be liable to try shooting a deadly implement.

Come to think of it, I had no good reason to leave all the guns back there. Just begging for something terrible to occur.

"Right, ladies. I see you've gotten this sorted out. I have matters to attend to!"

They'll be fine. Can't say anything truly productive went on in that conference room, anyhow. I stand up, grab all my discarded gear, and dash out the door. Sans hat and coat. It's a hot enough day, and the Sun doesn't seem as harsh as it used to be.

The secretary outside doesn't seem too fazed by me anymore, though there are quite a number of civil service workers who seem quite flabbergasted by my rushing past their offices. It's a straightforward enough matter to dash out to the front door, traversing a stairwell that was clearly not designed for human legs.

And so I pop out the double entrance, into a scenic plaza, little brook babbling through the town nearby. Locals everywhere. Without particular regard, I turn to question the nearest pony I see - some brown fellow.

"Hey! How do I get to the Royal Library?"

Could have been a bit friendlier, but hey, it was a stressful situation.

"Uh, just head down that street across town and you'll see it!" he says in a state of strong confusion, pointing the way.

Seems a bit harder to gesture when you need all four/six limbs to stand in place, doesn't it?

I tersely thank him and dash off into that general direction. Should be simple enough. Pip-Boy's satellite navigation hasn't been doing so well, what with the lack of orbital transceivers in the sky. Sonar mapping systems have been working, but abrupt teleportation doesn't exactly produce that great a map.

Running through the town and surprising pedestrians, I notice some rapid change. The air of caution is greatly diminished, and it seems that a mixture of confusion and curiosity has mostly taken hold within these little ponies. Can't complain.

The light fluttering above my head alerts me. It's one of her girl friends flying alongside - Rainbow, was her name? Not a very imaginative moniker. Nothing wrong with it, just predictable. I'd assumed her mane was thanks to some insane hair-dyeing skills, but for all I know, it's natural.

"Hey! What's got you spooked?"

"Someone shot my gun. Somebody shot my gun!"

"Ooh! If you have a flying robot... does that mean it was a laser gun? The aliens in my comics always have laser guns!"

"What? No! Laser guns are inefficient and weak.! I never use them. Others wield them only because they're distracted by the shiny technology and flashy light show!"

That pretty much shuts up the conversation. Which is convenient, because we've reached our destination.

With a dash of trepidation, I slowly open the two-part door of the establishment, not knowing what to expect.

Of course.

It's the two (apparently green) guards we left behind... with my entire arsenal. It was bound to happen, in hindsight. One of them is squatting against the wall, my beloved pump-action cradled awkwardly in his hooves. The pedestal in the center of the building was formerly home to a horse's head statue. Now, all that's left is a pile of splinters.

I march in towards the terrified soldier. Resignation and annoyance are in the air.

"That belongs to me," I mutter, not malevolently, but doubtlessly terrifying his guts out.

Twelve-gauge shotgun, pump-action, composite furniture. Family heirloom. Manufactured 2188... at least according to the engravings the craftsman put on it. Dad handed it over to me, the only thing I would have to defend myself as I set out into the Wasteland. It's been so many years... I was only a child then. Perfect for blasting the wings off of creepy crawlies.

"Look. I know you were curious; wanted to see what these things could do. Can't blame you. Just expected more from highly trained 'Royal Guards.' I think I'll be keeping these with me," I tell him, taking back what belonged to me.

I turn over to the rest of my arms. Still right where I left it. Thank goodness they didn't investigate the more devastating equipment.

Machine gun. Belgian make. Mostly abandoned by the U.S. Military in the first half of the 21st century in favor of more "sophisticated" infantry weapons. Located it in a forgotten National Guard post a few weeks before my adventures in Vegas; can't count the number of times it saved my neck. Its hunger for rare and expensive ammunition makes it impractical for general use, and Wasteland dust fouls up the belt feed within hours. Not to mention the fact that the thing would be impossible to maintain if I didn't know some very talented metalworkers. But for all that stress, nothing short of a tank can survive a sustained burst of 7.62 rounds. Just aim at the target, and hold down the trigger for two or three seconds.

M14 Battle Rifle. Killed Commies back in the day, still just as effective more than three centuries after its invention. Got it doing some favors out in the Vegas airport. Came with a witty inscription, and proved hungry for Legion blood. Uses the same NATO ammunition, which is nothing but helpful to me.

Colt Army Revolver. The Peacemaker. The great equalizer. The gun that won the West. Hard to believe that they still use a pistol that's older than the telephone. Needs to be cocked for every shot, and reloading the cylinder is nigh-impossible in a firefight. Still, it does the job when I need a quick shot for self-defense. Most seasoned mercenaries acquire flashier and more modern sidearms, but there's something about this weapon that keeps me in the 19th century.

Paciencia. I found it for sale in some middle-of-nowhere general store, with no story attached to it. Bolt-action rifle, make common in the Southwest, only distinguished by the Mexican flag wrapped around the stock. From an strictly objective standpoint there's nothing remotely special about it, but it just strikes me as... lucky. It just seems to serve me better than your typical sniping weapon.

Thompson Submachine Gun. Or the Chicago Typewriter, as some Italians would rather refer to it. Stole it off a band of no-name lowlifes in fedoras. The drum magazines jam continually, the thing is cumbersome and makes a noisy clattering, and it weighs a ton. Yet there's no better delivery method for spewing lead out in the general direction of choice. Things tend to explode in a cloud of viscera when I "spray and pray."

Red Ryder BB Repeater. Look. I can't really explain. This children's toy just strikes me the right way, you know? I know it's just spewing out plastic balls with a spring, but it just feels lucky. Got caught in a corner by a deathclaw; shot it with this on a whim. You probably won't believe me, but I swear on my life that the BB caused its left eye socket to explode. Saved my hide. Plus, it has a sundial and a compass in the stock.

The Compliance Regulator. Found it in some cave hideaway out in Utah. An army vet who'd survived the War had camped out there, and some of his equipment had managed to survive the ages. Not all too clear on who designed or manufactured the thing, but I'd be damned if it weren't effective. The beams it shoots provide fast, straightforward incapacitation. Easier and safer than electric shocks or blunt impacts. I try not to think of myself as too murderous a guy, and thing helps ease up a little on my conscience.

Scoped Gauss Rifle. Shoots precisely machined 2 mm ferromagnetic flechettes. Purchased from quality weapons dealers whom I am not at the liberty to identify. Known to be accurate to 2 kilometres in ideal conditions. Cumbersome and awkwardly designed, but otherwise the perfect sniping weapon. If it were any more powerful, it'd be classified as a cannon.

LAER. A Big MT custom weapon. Alright, perhaps I wasn't wholly honest regarding my opinions on laser weaponry. The design documents I recovered weren't too clear on its workings, but it appears to work by arcing electricity via an ionizing laser. Focusing lens and electronics are extremely delicate, but when the thing does function, there's nothing that isn't reduced to blue ashes. Nifty little gadget. Pew pew pew.

Flamer with fuel tank backpack. It burns things. Fairly self explanatory.

Machete. It chops wood and limbs. I'm no good in close quarters. Best you don't see me flailing around with this.

Grenade launcher. Break-action, of a fairly similar design to those wielded in the 17th century. Shoots farther and faster than is possible by throwing grenades from your hand.

Missile launcher. Capable of shooting anti-tank and high explosive munitions, among dozens of other guided projectiles. Armored targets tend to be lacking in this day and age, but it functions passably as a portable field artillery piece. Missiles with guidance electronics tend to be a bit hard to come by, but I manage.

Red Glare. It has an official designation, but the nickname seems more appropriate, what with the Stars and Stripes I found on the first piece I recovered. An astonishing fully automatic long-range rocket launcher, intended for targeting infantry positions. You feel a serious rush of power emptying a canister across the Colorado river, sending bits of Legionnaire all over the place. I always say it's a shame they didn't build more of the things.

And finally, the Fat Man Tactical Nuclear Catapult. For when you need something to abruptly stop existing, accept no substitute. Nothing short of a naval artillery piece or thermobaric warhead can possibly outdo this thing's explosive power. I've sent entire enemy task forces running just by pulling it out. Recoil's nasty, but nothing a strong shoulder can't handle.

Now, you may be asking, how do I carry this massive armory on my back? To that, I can only say that you will be astounded by what I pack for a full-fledged war.

As I finally finish packing my bags, the other eight individuals finally make it here. Purple princess leading the pack.

"What possessed you to run off here? What did you do to my home?" Sparkles demands of me.

"It wasn't me! This is my gun. It was your guard who thought it was a good idea to try it out on your bust!"

She does not look pleased by the development. I see another unpleasant situation approaching

Perhaps I should take up Rarity on her offer.

Author's Note

Don't ask me how this chapter turned into me drooling over guns. It just happened, okay?

There are a lot of Fallout crossovers on this site. Most of them feature a character who is cynical, world-weary, and somewhat humorless. Needless to say, I am not fond of that.

With this story, I attempt to rectify that. I ask myself, "What kind of person would go on a wild murder-spree across the Mojave for no sensible reason?" And the answer I come up with is "a whimsical, fun-loving psychopath with indomitable good cheer." Think less Joel from The Last of Us, and more the protagonist of Saints Row.

Stanley Martin may not entirely fit that template, but I'm trying.

Chapter 7: More Pointless Niceties

Something occurs to me.

"Wait, did you notice a little crowd gathering outside this place?" is the first thing I say.

"Well, duh, you remember the commotion you made coming here, it's still growing," Pinkie says peeking out a window, in her friendly, sing-song way.

"Er, I think we should be covert getting over there. I doubt encouraging an even greater disturbance would be good."

"Twilight, could you teleport every... one in the library at once?" asks Rarity.

"I... Yes. I can do it. All of you try to gather together here," Twilight responds.

We comply, and she scrunches her face slightly and that same aura shines around her horn. It's all over in a flash. It's not that different from technological teleportation, just slightly... warmer. Disorientating as always, though.

"Gee. you're horn does everything, doesn't it?" I chuckle.

"Well, horned ponies have very diverse talents, but pegasi and earth ponies have equally valuable magical abilities," Twilight reminds me.

"Mhhhm. Hey, have there been teleportation accidents? You know, teleporting into solid objects, or into deep space, losing body parts, exploding, vanishing forever, turning evil, turning into horrific half-animal hybrids, summoning demons, you know?"

"No, no! The arcane sciences have advanced to the point that such issues are very, very rare! Teleportation has been safe for centuries!"

"...I was joking about most of those..." I say, just slightly dumbfounded.

I can tell that some of the others have turned white. Despite having fur.

"...Let's not think about that. So, this is the town hall?"

We are in a large circular hall in an elegant wooden building. It looks ideal for holding social events and making announcements.

Twilight wants us to head to both the mayor herself and the conference room. Sunny scowls more than ever before.

Up on the upper levels we come upon a waiting room with a bored-looking secretary. She perks up at seeing her princess (not to mention me also receiving her attention.

"Ah! Er- your majesty! Are you here for the Mayor?" she says, glancing only a moment at me.

"Is she free?"

"Of- of course! She's in the office."

I wonder what everyone else is doing, and look back.

Rex is bonding with Fluttershy. He's doting on and slobbering all over her like a puppy and she's just laughing and laughing gleefully. How adorable.

Rainbow looks pretty suspicious of ED-E.

"So how're you floating along? No wings, no propellors, not even any jets, What, you're antigravity or something?"

He just bleeps right back snappily.

"Um, he can't actually talk. Best he can do is speak in digital code. Don't ask me why, And yes, I do believe he has an antigravity system. Technology is in its infancy, though," I intercede.

Everyone piles into the Mayor's office. She turns out to be a beige earth pony mare with grayed hair. Wearing nothing but a collar and tie. I guess clothing is completely decorative or formal here.

"Mayor Mare."

"Your highness! I've been getting reports-"

"That would be me," I say as I step in. She stares blankly a moment.

"...Ah. I was expecting you'd look different."

"...Uglier?" I can't resist asking.

"What? No! -I mean, no!"

I just chuckle.

"Ah, just breaking the ice. What have you been told?" I sit in a chair, which fits the human form for some reason.

"Some fearsome two-legged creature wandered into town, spreading panic."

"Well that's pretty much it. But I have no ill intent, the ponies who got terrified just overreacted. Understandably."

"Mrs. Mayor? I formally request the use of the conference room for this matter today," Twilight butts in.

"I... All right. There are no appointments made for it. You can go in now."

Sparkle takes us out through the hall into a slightly more ornate looking doorway into an unremarkable conference table with a blackboard at the head.

"I'm guessing you want to talk some more?"

"Yes. Spike, take a letter."

"Uh, Twi? I don't have any paper."

There was a bit of a headache for a minute. But extra supplies turned out to be inside the cabinet in the room.

"Whew. That's dealt with. Alright, Spike..."

Dear Princess Celestia...

Author's Note

Yes, it's short. I had a convenient point to transition, but more importantly, I can't be bothered to go farther.