What in the...

by Nordenfelt

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Human, Comedy
Length: 8601

Well, damn, I have woke up as a pony. Perfect, I had plans. Well, getting up and staring at a computer's screen, then sleeping again. But hey, that's important to me! Damn it, my head hurts.

Well, god damn, a lot as happened this week, some damn reason, I think I awoke in my imagination, either that or, the land of Technicolor ponies, Equestria. Was founded in the middle of a road by a wall eyed pegasus, passed out in a road near a dizzy eyed mare. Taken to a hospital, and checked over by a dude called 'key'. I'm serious, 'Key'. Now, feeling awkward in home of a Dazed eye pony. Perfect world, isn't it?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-17 19:48:35 UTC

Dizzy heads and eyes

‘Who is that?’ A voice rang through my hollow head like a bullet. I chuckled to myself. My wild imagination must have tried to make the trip back with me to reality, another snorting laugh slipped out; I could have sworn Derpy was just talking to me. Jesus, my back is killing, well; time to turn off my computer, my parents can’t see what’s on my screen. One eye open. They would probably...Two eyes open. I don’t see my blanket covered in drool, neither my ceiling. But, a blue sky, with fluffy white clouds. My god! Did I sleep walk or something, Jesus? What the hell is up with the weather? England isn’t supposed to have nice weather. Damn it, eye crust. I lift my hand, inch by inch, I would think that my hand would help my lazy body and not be so god damn heavy, but no, it must be a ton. Alright, it’s close, just a bit...

‘Hello, mister?’ A shy voice sounded, my stupid pony-filled skull, my brain hadn’t made the trip back; I was still thinking that was Mrs Hooves. ‘Yeah, right, I’m in Equestria’ I thought to myself. I need to turn my imagination off; down boy. Alright, my hand is very close, must a few more centimetres. In 3, 2, 1. Houston, we have...A hoof!

“Oh, Jesus Christ!” My voice pierced the surrounding area, if anyone was nearby that would have probably freaked them out, big time

“Mister, are you in trouble?” I wrenched my back up, damn, even being a damn pony made your back break every morning. Getting up, please legs don’t fail me now, and jump! Up! First try! Alright, victory. While I enjoy my success, I spin my head around to the caller of my name. Wait a damn second! It is! It’s Derpy, bloody hooves! The grey mare looked terribly worried, though she was still cute as hell. Seriously, why try and censor something this cute? “Mister, are you okay?” The worry in her little voice was cute yet a bit saddening

“Yeah, I’m okay, but I have one question” This was me, still being suspenseful about this, was it real or was it just a dream? If it was a dream, then please last forever, if reality, why didn’t you come sooner?!

“Okay, what is it?” The internet loved mare’s worry slipped away, but it was still in presence

Must not scare her; well there goes my first question. Must not freak her; well there goes my second question. Last question I have: “Can you take me to the hospital?”

The worry rushed back into the mare “Why?! Are you hurt?!” She hovered off the ground and started to go a bit kamikaze

“No, I just what to know if I’m okay” I hoped my calmness slowed the mare’s crash course, it did... a bit. She turned from spinning and looping to just hovering above the ground.

“Okay, then” Worry still inhabited her voice, she just wouldn’t calm down. Well, she did just find some dude just lying in the middle of field, or somewhere. Where the hell am I? I took a look around; I was in the middle of a street, cobblestone roads, and houses. It was just sunrise. The old Hooves must have either forget what time it was or it was her mail round.

“Thanks wait a moment...” I started to feel dizzy, my eyes started to darken

“What’s the matter, mister? Mister!” The last thing I saw was Derpy trying to get me up, well at least, if I die, I die with the cutest thing ever.

Cambium Megablast

Well, I’m not dead, thank god; But which one? Buddha, Christian God, or Thor. Damn my nerd thoughts. I’m in goddamn Equestria, and all I can think about is flipping superheroes. Well you can see my attention span.

“Who is this?” Well, thank god, I can still hear, also, curse you god, my ears feel like a goddamn tunnel, well to the voice, it isn’t a stallion, or a main character. If I’m in the hospital, it might be from the read it and weep episode, think, idiot, think; Nurse Red Heart maybe? Hopefully, I don’t want screw loose looking me over. Alright think probable, wait, no, no, no. Don’t think probable, you are in a damn cartoon, you idiot; might as well start by opening my eyes. Pop. Pop. Good news, it isn’t screw loose, better news, it’s Nurse Red Heart. Then she repeated “Who is this?” Not looking at him, how rude, wait a minute...I look behind me and see the postal mare, bless her soul. Wait a second...I’m on the floor, bless it a bit less please.

The goofy eyed mare said “I don’t know, before he could say his name, he passed out. But he did say ‘take me to the hospital’” That’s part true; I said ‘please’ and ‘may’. A third voice said “Hello, me on the floor” Hold it...It’s mine, glad to see the British accent hasn’t gone, not like Doctor Whooves being American.

“Ah!” The Nurse got shocked by my sudden awakening “Oh, it’s just you”

“Yes, why so scared about my awakening?” Why must my posh nosh kick in now?

“Miss Hooves,” She pointed to the gobbled eyed mare “said you were in a road”

“Sorry, I had fallen and must have passed out” British posh nosh still there, brain kick in my normal speaking now!

“Well, she said you wanted to go to the hospital” I can’t tell if Red Heart has a British or an American accent, why is this so hard?

“Yeah, I did, I thought a check up would be perfect” There you go, my old voice is back

“Okay, then...” Red Heart spoke worryingly, I don’t see why. Other than a pony is only asking for a check up after straight up fainting in a field, there was that.

“Should I stay with him?” Derpy asked, aw. Her Heart was as cute as her voice.

“Sir, do you have a household?” Okay, I’m still not sure about her accent but she is posh, I know that

“No, I’m from another village” well, I am from a town not a village. But that town is in another reality

“Which village?” damn, village name, village name, village name. Aha

“England” I said, well useless that village has a mad person in a blue box, it isn't an England I know

“England doesn't exist, as far as I know” Oh smelly stuff, what now?

“It’s on the outskirts” Great excuse, well I hope it works; it isn't my worst excuse, right?

“I don’t know about that; tell me a village next to it?” Damn it, why does she need to know? Want to contact the local paper? Time for the cheesiest of fantasy film cliches, the old amnesia trick

“I don’t know” I said, my acting is terrible, even I couldn't tell if I was trying to be confused or brain dead

“It must be some sort of short term memory loss, should pass” Red Heart started to pat my head, I felt like a dog, damn it, I am now man’s best friend

“Where will he go?” Derpy said, worry still in her voice. She must feel like she must treat all people, or ponies, right.  Why can’t people in my world do that?

“I don’t know, what about that unicorn living in the library?” No, no, no. Doesn't she remember lesson zero? I don’t want to be part of another one of her insanity descents.

“Why doesn't he stay with me? I found him” I like your Derpy, but we aren't playing finders keepers, or are we? What are these planet’s laws? Damn it, think present; you are in a hospital with a cross eyed pony who wants to take you home and a posh nurse who wants to know where you live; Great present to be living in.

“I think that is alright, what do you think, sir?” Red Heart tilted her head, and, from every single movie I've seen, this means ‘I don’t know your name, please tell me’. What a minute...I can’t use my real name, Ryan Plant, that doesn't fit with Derpy Hooves and the rest, we have Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, think, think. Wait... movies! Shaun of the dead?. No. Zombie land? No! Return of the...Damn it brain, think of something that isn’t brain eating zombies. Wait, Tallassee’s Chainsaw, Shaun’s cricket bat. Brain, I love you. Alright, Chain Bat, Cricket Saw, Tallassee, Shaun, and Winchester! The pub! Brain, I love you!

“Winchester, that’s my name” I sounded terribly fake; it’s like North Korea’s threats. In Equestria, and still thinking about the internet, I love my brain. I hope Red Heart fell for it.

“Well, Winchester, we will just check you over” Yes, success is mine, she fell for it. Am I that good at lying? No, wait, I can barely lie to my dog. Do they have dogs here? Wait, Applejack’s dog. What’s that dog’s name? Alright brain, stop it. No more questions.

“Alright” Red Heart began to walk down a hallway, what? No ‘follow me’? Well, maybe in this reality. They have goddamn mind reading chips. Wait. Brain, stop it, you can’t read minds. Can. Cannot. Can . Cannot. Can too. Alright try. No, I’m bored. God damn you. But you said you loved me a minute ago. I changed my mind. I am your mind. Stop it, brain, and focus. Fine; we were in the corridor, painted watery green, it looked like wait happen when you...I’m not telling you, you probably know what I’m talking about? You probably do. How long is this corridor? I thought it would have been finished about halfway through the battle of brain and host. A book cart, being pushed by an elderly pony, which had the same color of the wall, brushed past me, as I looked to see what was on it, I first saw Daring Do, Ironic, isn't it? Maybe, I will get to read it, maybe if I stay here long enough, could I pretend? Well, Rainbow tried, failed miserably, wait, which am I? I looked back, damn no wings, but I am blue, I look like the tardis, thank you whovian genes, wait, and am I a unicorn? It would still be pretty sweet to be an earth pony, but being a unicorn would be bad-ass; not Bruce Willis or Rambo bad-ass, but still pretty bad-ass. Mirror, mirror, where art thou mirror? As I passed a doctor’s lounge, I caught a glimpse of me in a darken window, damn not a unicorn, but I’m a pony, still pretty sweet.  My hair is parted, a bit like a stereotypical 80’s nerd, but my hair is lightly dark green and a watered down light green. Perfect, part of my hair looks like a dalek’s shell. I quickly shook my hair, and it came partly over my eyes, looks like my normal view. Come corridor, slow down. Is this a goddamn dream? Wait, is it? Only one way to find out, pinch, wait, I don’t have fingers. Well, then, punch! OW, not so hard hand, I mean hoof. Well it isn’t a dream, wait, what about home? What a minute, planet earth is terrible, I’m staying here. But remember your family. Oh. Maybe it’s like back to the future, you were erased; Or it could be star trek, you were erased from time but people still remember you. Wait, what brought me here? Wait did? It isn’t Discord, he’s reformed, I hope. Sombra, nah, he is just a character thrown in to make an episode, parasprites? No brain, unless parasprites wanted me to tell them about KFC and burger king.

“Here,” Nurse Red Heart pointed into an empty room, it was one of those check-up rooms, with poster and everything. Batteries not included. Nice to see my sense of humor is still intact, as being as terrible as ever. “Wait in here for a minute” Nurse Red Heart shut the door and left. I knew it wasn't going to be a minute, last time I got a check-up; the doctor thought a minute contained thirty of them. I wondered if she is telling another nurse or doctor the wacky adventure of Ryan Plant, A.K.A Winchester, wait a minute...I have just thought of a better name, Night light, it isn't great but it fits in with the cartoon’s childish appeal. Winchester is a gun. Do they have guns here? No, they have spears and swords. Are you sure they have spears and swords? I believe so. Maybe they are the medieval us, except with magic and Technicolor talking ponies. Well, a minute has passed no sign of her returning, typical. Creak. Scratch. Click. Creak. Think of the devil.

“Sorry about that” Red Heart said, even though she was about only two seconds late.

“No worries, my normal doctor is a lot slower” Well, the truth is spoken.

“Well, let’s look you over” Alright, then, I hope this doesn't take long.

Creak. Scratch. Click. Creak.

“Hello Nurse, is this the pony?” A grey unicorn had entered, his overcoat spotless, it seems these are a lot more clean than my world

“Yes it is, Winter, is it?” But our name forget system is here.

“Winchester” I corrected, I love that feeling, correcting someone.

“Yes, this is Winchester, Key” Red Heart didn’t seem the slightest annoyed about my correction, not like face book, do they have Wi-Fi here? Have you seen Twilight searching Wikipedia? No. So no Wi-Fi. No living tombstone? Nope. That’s a down side. It is.

“Okay, let’s do this quickly,” Doctor Key sounds a bit German. But does it matter? To us it does. Us? Yeah, you and me, brain and body. Well okay then. Key’s horn sparked, his Aura was light green. Wait Green? Changeling! No, he’s a doctor; changeling can’t have doctor’s degree. Can’t they? No, they cannot. Sure? Yes, certain. His Aura died down. Not scared of changelings are we? No. Are you sure? Yes, I am. You want a sucker? Yes, very much so. “Done, he is completely fine but one thing...” Key sounded very serious.

“What is it?” A great suspense arouse over my voice.

“An magic Aura surrounds you, like changelings have, but this is good Aura, changelings have bad” His voice dropped in the serious side.

“What does that mean for me?” My voice didn’t drop in suspense.

“Nothing much” Damn, I wanted wolverine healing factor. You still want a sucker? As I said, very much so. we will get one later.

“Are you okay?” Key didn't sound questioningly or worryingly, he just sounded bored.

“Yeah, I’m fine shall we go?” That didn't sound creepy at all, not even a bit. It did, terribly. Shut up, I’m being sarcastic. I know. Then why did you do that? Do what? Screw you.

“We will” Well, as least, he hid his ‘this guy is creepy as hell’ tone. Both Red Heart and Key left the room and I followed. Follow the leader, leader, leader. Stop it. You ain't nothing but a...SHUT UP! Because this is thriller, thriller to...Well, at least I have music, but bad thing I don’t have brony music; Discord, I howling at the moon. I’m going to let you sing. As I had ‘discord’ suck in my head. I headed down the corridor. When the labyrinth of a corridor ended, there was Derpy, same position, same stance. Like a weeping angel. I hate you so much brain.

A wall eyed Pegasus home

“Home, sweet, home” Proudly Derpy pointed at a house, it was very normal, nothing mistaken about it; it actually was neater than other houses; something that I didn’t some suspect. Offensive. It isn’t. It is. Brain. Yes? Shut up! As she trotted in, I took a quick look at the door, no locks. Is this the same with every house? No locks? Jesus, humanities would go ape here, looting anything that even twinkled, hell, if it wasn’t nailed down. The house, even inside, was still sorted. Look, books! No book nerd today brain, maybe tomorrow. Really? I said maybe. That means yes. No, it means maybe. But maybe means yes. Fine, maybe means yes. Yeah, books! You aren't going to get books. I can hear you. No, you can’t. Can too. Brain... Shut up!

“Sorry about the mess” Derpy said, she seemed slight frustrated at herself, in that cute way.

“It’s fine, it’s very tidy to be honest” It was the truth, I tried to say it in that ‘We’re friends’ way, but it came out more of that ‘calm down, I will try and comfort you’ way.

“Really?” She went really excited and happy, so much, in fact, her wings fluttered a bit, her mouth was wide open and her eyes wide. It was the cutest thing you could possibly see, other than Flutter Shy and Derpy in the same place, both happy as your body can be. That would be cute. It would be, contact deviant art! No Wi-Fi brain, remember? Oh. But we have books, remember? Woo, books!

“Yeah, neater than a year could do for one room in my house.” Still true, on record, the least times I’ve tripped over things in a day is like five.

“Thank you, thank you” Derpy ran into me, I thought she was about to rugby tackle me. But she bear hugged me instead. Come on, you know what I did; hugged back. You ever have that feeling when you have seen and felt the cutest thing ever and you will treasure it like a rare gem? Imagine that feeling, and now times it by twenty; that’s my feeling right now. Thirty seconds later, this is awkward. Brain, I am hugging Derpy, this isn’t awkward, and it’s cute as hell. Hell isn’t cute, hell is hot. You know what I mean. I don’t. Fine, it’s cute as a puppies yawning. That’s cute. That’s what I’m feeling brain, shut up. Alright, have your little brony moment. Mate, you’re also a brony. No I’m not. Your my mind, how can a mind and thoughts have different opinions? We’re socially awkward, remember? We’re not. We are, all we do with our spare time is write fan fics, play Xbox, stare at a computer screen and talk to friends in America over Skype. Two things you just said weren’t anti-social. What? Xbox and Skype. Xbox? You play Xbox. No, I speak to my English friends in an Xbox live party. You got me partner. You got me thinking about the mask. Smokin’! Stop it!

“Sorry about that, it’s just ponies aren’t usually that nice, usually there are very spiteful’ for a wall eyed Pegasus, she has a large vocabulary, also, who could hate something that gosh darn cute? Haters. you got me brain. Somebody stop me. STOP IT! Never, 'till the mask is permantly scarred in your mind!

“Spiteful? How? You’re beautiful” Smooth, moron. Imagine if I said ‘cute’. OH DEAR GOD! Please don’t blush, please don’t blush.

“Oh,” Derpy looked to the side, the cheek I could see turned red, damn it voice box “Thanks” Well at least she didn’t run for the hills. Iron ...No Brain, stop it!

“Sorry, did I make you blush?” You know she did. No, I don’t. Yes, you do. I do...Aha, you do! Let me finish, I am trying to be polite. Polite? Us? Yes, sometimes we have to be.

“No, it’s just...No, one has never said that to me” Oh god, oh god! Brain, stop freaking out. Dude, she has the look. She doesn’t have the look. I’m still freaking out. You’re shouldn't be. You should be; think about it. Oh god, I’m totally freaking out! See? I’m being sarcastic.

“Really?” Ryan, stop it. No, we need to be polite. Look at the facts, there is two of you, you are male, she is female, and the door is shut. The door isn’t shut. It is. Look at the door. Fine. I craned me head around to look like I was looking around which I was actually doing, just a half-assed job at doing so, holy mother of hell, the door is shut! See? But that doesn’t mean she wants want you are thinking. It doesn’t? No, look she doesn’t have the look, which you were freaking over for what felt like ten minutes. Oh yeah. You okay now? Yes. Brain. Yeah? You want a sucker? Yes.

“No, I think it’s because I’m... different” She sounded almost like she was both weeping and just sad, she started to scrape the carpet with her hoof. Think brain. Say you’re different. No, that’s cheesy. Think of a good story. You’re the brain, you think. Fine, say: It’s the same in your town, you’re are the only earth pony there and get bullied and teased, then keeping going by saying this, ummm...Make it up? Yeah, let’s do that, winging it.

“Don’t be sad, it’s the same in my town, I’m the only earth pony there and get bullied and teased about it all the time” Is that it?! We didn’t think of anything else. We didn’t have we been in this room the whole time? Yeah. Oh god! Brain. Sorry.

“Really?” Derpy did the sort of sad yet happy things, like when you get bullied for liking a certain music that is rare now like old rock and roll or metal and then find someone with the same problem and become friends. Did that happen? Yeah, remember Dan? Oh yeah.

“Yeah, it’s nice to find someone the same” That didn’t sound cheesy at all. I know you’re being sarcastic. Good boy, you want a doggy treat? You dare patronise me, you don’t get a sucker. I’ll be quiet, wait...Do they even have suckers here? I don’t know. Says the brony. You’re one as well. Am not. You’re my brain. So? That means you’re me. Oh yeah.

“Well, if you want to read,” Now to completely blow out the subject. She was feeling uncomfortable. Yeah but...But what? Nothing. “I got a lot of authors”

“Like who?” Why did you ask that? Well, maybe they will do the human crossover thing. When have you seen that? Dude, a ponifed Harry Potter it's in an episode. Really? Yeah.

“Trotting King,” Told you. You didn’t. I’m not arguing with my head. Again... “Ponies like that”

“Cool, I love his...” Think about the old King. The shining. No pony joke there. It. Nope, what can ‘It’ be, anyway? The Tommy Knockers! What can that be? The Tommy Trotters! Really bad joke. Hey, if fimfiction could use it, so can I! Fine. “The Tommy Trotters story”

“I love that one!” Isn’t she supposed to be stupid? Dude! Not called for! I was just saying. Derpy has bouncing up and down as if she was five and was given a toy.

“Well, it’s pretty late, shall I go to bed?” We have a winner for creep of the century! Don’t tease me. I will, ‘till the end of time.

“Sorry, I haven’t got the spare room ready,” Spare room? Yes, a spare room. But she is supposed to...Stop it! Fine, but seriously...I know “But you can sleep on the couch, or I could?” Awww. Don’t be a girl. I’m not, it’s just cute.

“No, I will sleep on the couch,” Mother father gentleman. Brain, I swear to god...But we’re atheists. I swear to Charles Darwin, I will kill you. Nice comeback. Shut up “I will see you in the morning” As Derpy went up the stairs. Apples and pears. We’re British, Brain, but don’t be self-racist. Does that even exist? I don’t know. You’re stupid. Am not. Well, back to my vision...As Derpy went up the stairs, she was smiling, not in the clownish way but in the ‘I’ve been a good person today’ Smile. Pony. Stop it. Well, this Couch is perfect, purple and pink. Do you seriously care? Yes. Why? Because...Something. We are sleeping on it. Fine. See it’s comfy. It isn't. Just go to sleep. Night, brain. Night, gay boy. Brain. Fine, bed time...We will, we will...BRAIN! Alright!

Need... to... get... off...couch

My head is killing me. I’m not. It’s a metaphor. Fine, just get up, breakfast. Wait, breakfast? It’s morning, it’s a day, and it isn't the end of the world, there will be breakfast. Alright, smarty pants. Thank you. Wait, what’s that smell? Syrup and pancake batter. How do you know that? Look, when you’re hungry, I, pretty much, become an expert on food. I’m not... Ow, damn, my stomach. Hungry? Very much. Well, pancakes, let’s go, Amigo. Fine, we just got to get up. Fine, while you do that, I’ll think. Fine, damn it, my legs can’t be any heavier, I’m dragging them across what feels like stone. It’s a couch. It was a simile. You are wordy person today. No, I’m just a person. Nope, a pony. Oh ha, terribly funny. I know. Sarcasm again. You like sarcasm, it’s like it’s...You dare make a gay joke. I wasn’t. Then what were you going to say? Ponies. Yeah right, can we get pancakes now? Yeah, just get the rest of your body up. No. Not getting up means you don’t get any pancakes. I am going to hate you if these pancakes aren't good.

Oh ha, just get up, see your legs are off. My back legs, I got my other legs. Having a horse body is getting annoying. Pony body. What’s the difference? One is smaller, and lighter. We could just say equine. What? Equine, it’s a word for things like horses, zebras, donkeys, and asses. Ha, asses. You call me immature. Oh shut up. Fine I will, just say it. Seriously? Either that or you’re imagining devil horns again. Fine; it’s annoying to have an equine body; happy? Yeah, breakfast? Breakfast. Now, just drag your body off the couch. Fine, ow, ow, ow, stupid body, just get off without pins and needles. How do you have pins and needles? You don’t have feet! Who says you need feet? I do. Well, I got pins and needles. Time paradox! No, it’s just pins and needles. Nope, time paradox. Well, we’re up now. Now, pancakes. Yes.

As I walked into the kitchen, I saw the mail mare by an oven, her focus as high as Yoda’s. Oh, you can make references, but when I call her a weeping angel, you get mad. It’s because I don’t want to think about the cutest thing in my life right now as a goddamn monster from a different show. Who is to say shows have different universes? I do, as you can’t have all of those hospital shows, in the same realm as zombies. Who says? Power lines. You win this one. I won? Yes. No you didn’t. You just said. Damn it. Well, breakfast

.

“Hello there” Another creep of the century award goes to Ryan Plant, third time in a row. Shut up.

“Aw,” She jumped at my sudden awakening. Why are you talking like Edgar Allan Poe? Derpy isn't a raven, is she? Nope, she is a pony. Equine. Shut up. “Sorry, you startled me” Awww. Stop it. What? It’s cute. Yeah, but every time she does or says something cute, you got ‘aww’, you are becoming as cliche as a goddamn human in Equestria story, wait a second... We are not in a fan fiction. But, we could be, you’re a bad writer, this could be one of your crappy stories. Hey! You know it’s true. Yeah, but this is too good to be in one of my fan fictions, too much planning. Yeah, what fan fiction were we working on anyway? I think it was called 'What the hell...' and there was another one, don't remember the name though. It had something to do with a prison, didn't it? Yeah. Screw it, we are going to have pancakes soon, so can we stop thinking about this? Yeah.

This chair is kinda hard. You are sitting the human way. Look, I would rather act like Lyra than be lying sideways. Or on your back. Yeah, so, I'm going to sit like this. Fine, hold it, how do we eat? Knife and .... Ah, no fingers. Nor thumbs. Well, why don't we eat the animal way? Is that the way where you just stick your face into the food and just eat like a pig? Quite, my dear Watson. You are not the man of Iron, can it. Man of Iron? Nickname of Sherlock Holmes. Ah, what Robert Downey Jr plays....No, I do those to annoy YOU! Not the other way around! Alright, I get the bloody picture. Picture, where? It was a saying.  What is with you today? I'm hungry. Well, ask her if it's...

"Finished!" Ow. Oh, shut up, it wasn't that loud. Was too. I'm not having this argument again.

"That was terribly quick," Look man, in this contest, we need amateurs, not full blown professional creeps. You may be annoying but, at times, you can be funny. Amen. "You must be quite the baker" I hope, I'm hungry. Amen.

"I like it think that I am" I know she blushed, but don't say 'aww' because if we are in a fan fiction, the writer is going to get really annoyed at his characters. But, she is blushing, dude. No. Please. No. Come on, man! NO! Fine.

"Well, I bet you are better than me" Okay! Are you trying to make yourself say 'aww'? Nope. Tell the truth. Maybe. Truth. Now it is a possibility.

"No, I bet you are better than clumsy old me" Do. Not. I. Repeat. Do. Not. But dude, she said 'clumsy', it's cute as hell. Look, if we get back alive, we can post that on a Derpy Hooves impersonator's YouTube video. How do you know those exist? Uh, internet. You win this battle.

"Hey, I some how managed to burn juice, I think you are okay" Seriously? A Rarity reference? Yeah. I hate you.

"Well, I feel better now" You are! You are trying to say 'awww', you sicken me! How? Because, you are being cliche. And? Damn you to hell. Atheist. Damn you to the grave then.

"Well, if I'm around, you will be the best at everything" Well, that's true. The only thing you are even slightly good at...is video games, you've done a lot with your life. Well, if you are sarcastic, I'll start up the old sayings. Oh dear god, no!

"Don't be so hard on yourself, I bet you're good at something" Video games don't exist here, reading does but not in English, what are we good at? Cutie Mark! Emblem. Shut up, but whatever it is, that's our talent, right? Yeah. Looking down and it's a...What is that? It looks like a-a-a, I don't even know. A bit like a ghost, if you ask me. What's our talent then? Bustin' them? Look, it's a mess, I can't tell. Why not changeling hunting? Fine.

"Well, if I remember rightly, I was a changeling hunter for my town" Well, that's a weird expression. It's called excitement or amazement. You suck at reading people. Ponies. Shut it.

"Really?!" Well, that's got to be good. What? The piercing noise shooting through my ears.

"Yeah, if I remember right" Ryan Plant in 'the changeling hunter' a brony's wet dream. Screw you, but that sounds, except the last part, sounds like a good film. Except they would have someone not fat and British, maybe that Tallahassee dude  Kirk Ward? Really? That's his name? Yeah? Why? I thought it would be something more bad-ass. So, did the rest of the world.

"Well, that's really really cool, you need to talk to Twilight, she needs to write up a profile on them, you could help" Well, you have made us knee deep in smelly stuff. We aren't in smelly stuff. How?! How aren't we in smelly doo-doo right now?! Because, we are bronies, we should know a thing or two about them, also, we can make it up, we are mediocre writers. Yeah, should we say we can? Yeah.

"Alright, I will; after Breakfast?" Well, I kicked in the posh for you, I hope you like it. I am beginning to hate you. Beginning? You've said that about two million times in a year. Yeah but every time, I just let it go. You just are one of those people, aren't you? The ones that just don't care? Yeah.

"Yeah, after breakfast will be fine, I'll tell her before hoof," Seriously? What? The rules are different here. So, we can bend rules a bit. No, we aren't bending the rules of a universe, that is a bad idea. Why? Because they're rules of a universe! "Speaking of breakfast" well, that's great. What? She puts the plate in her mouth and puts it down. So? So, germs and bacteria. Oh, shut up, they don't have fingers. So? Couldn't they just, I don't know, like push it with her wings? No, they use that for flying. Well, screw logic, use the wings! Let's just eat the damn breakfast. Fine, animal time! This is goddamn good! I know, and now it's gone. What?! That was like two seconds of eating! Well, we have a bigger mouth and bigger stomach, so... Damn, alright, put this is the...sink...here. Alright it's in. You chipped it! Nah, that was there.

"You know this Twilight?" Why don't you just walk closer than shouting into the other room. Because, laziness. ah.

"yeah!" Glad to see you're both lazy. Can it. Wait, why are we asking? Because, she thinks we are from another town, it would be kind of weird that we know exactly where someone, who we've never met, lives. Some-pony. Well, that's my explanation, take it or leave it. Not leaving, I just fold. This is not poker. Who says that we can't use references? Your body does. Screw that, I'm the brains behind this operation...literally! Still...

"Where does she live?!" Just go into the room, stop shouting! No!

"The library!" Well, information we already knew, but helpful in this master plan. It is. But still this is cute, even though she is screaming her head off. True.

"Thank you!" Now, out the door, and on the way out, grab a bit or two. No! That's stealing! So, you aren't a goody two-shoes, are you? A bit.

"Wait, wait, wait a minute" Well, you two are in the same room, you can stop shouting. Yeah, that's a relief, my throat kills. Then why didn't you go into the room? Lazy.

"What?" Bits, please be, bits. That does not sound right. No, it does not.

"Here," and lone behold, it's bits! Five of them. That can buy me five apples, perfect. You don't like apples. But, five apples means a few drinks. Ah. "A few bits for a drink or so" Screw it, d'awwwww. Damn it!

"Thanks, see you later" Love story will continue later. Better than... Don't say it! I'm sick of that! Better love story than...Kate and William. Maybe. Time to shuffle.

Amen brother

Why are you so stupid? I am not, just knock on the damn door. No. Why not? Because, you are dumb as hell. Hell isn't dumb, it's hot. You aren't attractive in anyway, and you can stop imagining you're a bad-ass now. Oh. Can you at least knock? No. Knock. No. No. We are on the same page, let's go. Damn it Bugs, you taught me wrong. Bugs? Cartoon rabbit. Ah. Sucker! You lost concentration, knock, knock, knock, knock. You knocked for four times! You've killed the Doctor! Shut up, new Doctor remember? You've let me down. How? You outsmarted me.

"Hello? Who are you?" Oh damn, what was our name? Ryan Plant? No, the other. Umm...Oh hell, hell, hell. I need a drink dude, you should of got a drink first, man. We are going to the Winchester! There is a pub here? No, my fake name! Oh, right, right, right.

"Winchester? Derpy should of said I was coming here," giggity. You aren't Quagmire. I know, but immaturity is the best. "I'm here about the changeling profile, did she even tell you?" You're really smooth. I know. Sarcasm. I know.

"No, but I did need someone who knows about changelings, what are you qualifications?" Qualifications? Are we writing a simple essay or are we in a job interview. Don't know, don't care. Am not even going to argue.

"Well, for my town, I was a changeling hunter" you know you're screwed right. Why?

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" Told you, man, you are screwed. Am not, she isn't going to tackle me. You sure? Yeah, man, I'm sure.

"I see you are a bit excited" understatement of the year. More like century. Existence? Overstatement of the year. Century? Maybe, can we stop this? Yes.

"Well, duh, you hunt changelings. That is what I need for the profile!" Is she Pinkie Pie in disguise or something? A crystal empire throwback are you serious? I've be wondering...Where the hell did she get that suit from? Probably made it herself. Who looks at their friend for so long that they can copy the image so perfectly that another one of their friends mistakes it for the actual person...I mean pony, I saw though you're charade. Damn, but, screw logic, she is Pinkie Diana Pie! You win this round.

"Well, should I come in?" Did you seriously say that? Yeah, so? Well, from the first thing, she is going to say 'yes'. Well duh. You aren't Pinkie. Screw logic, I'm British-y Pie. Did you just think of British version of the Party Pony? Yeah, so? Her name is Pie, British-y Pie...Doesn't sound right. Well, you think of one. Crimson Crumpet. Could be used, but I bet Hasbro would make one better. Well duh You aren't Crimson Crumpet. Well, that's is incorrect of course, darling. Good.

"Yes, do you need anything? A drink? Some food?" Food, drink, eat and drink the lot. Politeness. Hunger. Being a gentleman. Being a fat slob. Being a...

"No, thank you" damn it! I would throttle you if I had hands. Welcome to the world of Lyra.Not funny. Is too.

"Well, you are a good gentle-colt" you can say it. What? The thing. It isn't cute. Really? No.

"Thank you, Miss, I'm gladly accepted your compliment" hello, Mister Fancy-pants. Shush, first impressions... Are not our strong point. That's right so, shut it.

"You're posh too! This is going to be exciting!" I am getting a bit scared. Same. Lesson Zero, please don't repeat. Amen, brother.

Hunter of weird bugs

You know she is going to ask so many questions. No, she will be polite. You sure? Yes, I'm terribly.

"Is a changeling's blood odd? Do they have any personalities? Oh, do they have names? Are there names normal? Are they..." Told you. Jesus... Why so many questions? I don't know, why would I know? I don't know.

"Please, please, may you slow down? Just a teeny bit?" Smooth, slick. Name isn't slick. Who cares? Me.

"Sorry, one question at a time?" Well, duh. Indeed.

"If you may" what's with all the gentleman stuff? I don't know, don't ask me. You should know. Well, I don't.

"Well, okay; Is there anything strange in the blood of a changeling?" Why, damn it. What? We'll make it up. Alien. Are you saying their blood is corrosive? Yeah. That's why you don't kill them! Do you want them to cower when facing these things? Well, what else can we do? Bad aura. Aura? Are you into mediation or something? It's a fancy pants word for magic. Well, can we do both? Fine.

"Well, in their said blood, is a mixture of acid and bad aura" what is with the posh stuff? Posh is my thing. No it isn't, being lazy is.

"What sort of acid?" You didn't mention it was corrosive? You idiot. You are part of the idiot. I know, but I'm still blaming you.

"Corrosive, the burning one" well, you dropped the posh stuff. A bit. A lot. Screw it.

"Doesn't that mean we can't kill them?" Told you. I know, but we can fix this, we did portal without the internet. One of our greatest achievements.

"You can kill them, just don't step in their blood" good dodge, also, nice line. I feel like a bad-ass. So, do I. Write to Hollywood, we need to put in that line in a film. Amen.

"Okay," wait...She is writing this down?! Yeah, so? Well, if it is bad information, then our butts are dead meat. Well, equines can't digest meat. How do you know that? YouTube comment on a video. Ah, the knowledge we have. Indeed, but you may be right, but who cares? I don't, as we will go back, maybe. Hopeful, I want to see internet again. Amen, brother. "Is there anyway of stopping the blood from burning?" Damn, well, think. Head shot? No, maybe heart. Heart? Well, they feed off love, so, yeah. Let's say that.

"Straight shot to the heart, got it?" Seriously, what is with you becoming a person from a movie? It's like you are reading a script. I know, I feel awesome. You are tapping your heart?! Why do you act like a vampire hunter. I am Van Helsing! Time to fight Edward! Yes!

"Yes, and yes," yes and yes? I think it means she was it down and she wrote it. Perfect. Indeed. "that is the aura for?" Well, smelly stuff, what now? Say it's because....They were born into....the bad side. We could say we don't know. No, it would be fishy. Well, why not they need it to change appearance? Fine.

"The bad aura creates a perception filter to create the illusion of a different appearance, it is complex, I know" a doctor who reference, really? Yeah, brilliant, isn't it? No, that means every single changeling has a tardis key. Oh, well, it's just a reference, it isn't that bad.

"But, normal unicorns can do that too" more smelly stuff. Shut up!

"Yes, but good unicorns appearance magic has flaws, like running out of aura or magic, this is continuous, can last until the changeling dies" great recover man, still sounding like a movie though. Still feeling awesome.

"So, changeling magic doesn't have flaws?" Well, no everything has flaws, duh. Shush, I will try and make it sound awesome.

"No, I'm not saying that, their appearance magic doesn't, but all their other magic, is a bit scattered and broke" seriously? why do you sound like that? Because, I'm reading a script. What? Nothing.

"Oh, but then why is their appearance magic so high in skill?" More smelly stuff. Yeah. What's with this saying? Something in the rug of time and space. Ah.

"Well, we found a cave near the town, with slime eggs and the town's folk believe that the slime has magical element to increase the part of aura to make illusions, don't know if it is real though" good explanation. I know. I feel like the terminator.

"The slime eggs? I thought they only housed hosts" you can deal with this.

"They do, but first themselves are housed in it" why do you have this imagination now? Why not when you are writing fan fictions? Time of the moment. Well, perfect.

"Getting this down" seriously? Is she believing this? Yeah, she is writing a profile on them, but she doesn't have information on them. She has a little. Yeah, a little.

"Am I helping you?" Seriously, did I say that? Yeah. Wait, usually you say that. You have finally found out how stupid you are. I now also know how annoying.

"Yes, yes, you are, I think that's enough for today," thank Christ. we are on the same page. Let's hustle. Okay.

Not original, but got devil horns

Damn it, dude wake up. What? Books, remember? You promised. You woke me up for books? Yes. You can be an ass sometimes. But I’m you. Alright, let me rephrase: We can be an ass sometimes. Makes sense. Now, can I go back to sleep? Nope. Why not? Books, lovely books. Look, she has about two hundred books. So? We can barely read through a book in one summer vacation. That’s because we are lazy. Oh yeah, so, the only fun we know have is reading? Yeah. Great, why don’t we just live in a library? Oh, good idea. No, remember Lesson Zero? Oh, we don’t want to be cupcakes. That’s cupcakes, the fan fiction. So what joke can we make about this? Turned into a dictionary? Nope, too... cliche. She is going to turn me into a preschooler’s learning book? Good. Fine, brain rewrite the line. Rewind, erase, and rephrase: Oh, we don’t want to be a preschooler’s learning book, do we? Good rewriting, and no, no we do not. Well, wake up, wonderful books. Are you sure these are even in English? What? In My Little Pony, they may speak English but they write in another language. Equestrian. Thanks, hold it, how did you know that? You searched it two days ago.

Why did I do that? Dude, how am I supposed to know? You’re my head. Oh. So why did I search that? You’re a socially awkward nerd who is obsessed with pop culture; do we need any more explanation? No, but you made me sad. Calm down, wimp. I will fill you with something terrible if you don't shut up. Like what? I will listen to a dramatic reading of Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory for twenty four hours. Okay man, calm down; just think about it. You are talking to a person who has a major knowledge of just about everything. Okay, okay, I promise. Right, now why did you wake me up again? You don’t remember? No. You idiot. Look, I’ve just woken up; tell me why you have woken me up. Books, but...they’re...in...Another...language. So, you basically woke me up for no reason? Well, can we read Equestrian? Yes, of course, I am completely fluent in a cartoon language. Look, stop being sarcastic, also, it isn't fake. What? Equestrian, it’s a real language, expect it’s said, not written. Well, that helps. No, I just wanted to annoy you. Perfect, you have made this diamond of a world into a shiny floater. Why? Well, I can’t read anything, also, I have no money, and also, I don’t know the laws. Well...You can steal some money. I will end you. You would have to kill yourself idiot. Oh, can it. Fine, what can we do? Go back to sleep? Nope, I will just fill your mind with crap. Screw you, I’m going back to sleep. J.A.R.V.I.S from Iron Man means Just A Rather Very Intelligent System, Iron Man has over forty suits, Iron Man's suits isn't made out of Iron, he is made out of a titanium alloy...Okay, shut up, please, just shut up.

Waking up now? Fine, just shut up, please. Wait, what are we going to do? Look around; Wait!? What? We could say we can’t read, and then they will teach us. They will just say ‘oh, it’s just memory loss, it will pass’. Oh, what about the ol’ derpy? What about her? Oh, wait, oh. What’s with the oh-s? I don’t know, I’m thinking about it. No, I’M thinking about it. Do we really need to read? I want to. I don’t care. But I want to, please. No. Pretty please. The physical appearance of please does not matter to me. Come on, please. Why do you want to read? How much did we read? Hey! We read fan fiction. But does that really help with school? It does. Oh okay, a fan fiction about an animal loving yellow Technicolor pony who is really an impostor really helps in maths, doesn't it? No, not really. Alright, what are we really doing? What can we do? Look around a bit. Can I just go back to sleep? No! Fine! My legs feel like tanks. It isn’t that bad. It feels like it. I feel like I’m in hell, my legs are burning. Hell? The devil is in hell, the devil is also known as the beast, the beast has a number, and it’s...Six, six, six, the number of the beast! Hell and fire...Stop it, man, I don’t have fingers, I can’t do devil horns. Imagine. I am not imagining myself with fingers doing the devil horns. Yes you are! I am...Goddamn it, I’m imagining it! As your mind, you can’t disobey me. Fine, just think properly. Can we have breakfast? Fine.

All good things must come to an end

Time to get muffins. Being as hopeful as me? Yes, come on, the door is there.

"Hello? Anyone here?" Oh hell, why is Derpy sniffing? This is bad, bad, real bad. Can we do anything? I don't know, I haven't handled this before...We aren't going to go back, are we? No, we aren't, trust me. I do trust you, I have from the beginning. We'll get through this, we'll calm her down, get muffins, have a good sleep, then in the morning, go to the library and tell more information to Twilight, we okay about that? Yes, but I'm starting to feel a bit more worried.

"Oh," okay, I'm worrying a lot now. Same here, buddy. "Hello, Winchester, how are you?" Okay, this is scaring me, something is dreadfully wrong. I can see.

"I'm fine, what's the matter?" Okay, okay, okay, we calm her down, please work, please, please. We are worrying on the same level.

"Nothing, it's just a letter" a letter? From who? We will find out.

"Can I see it?" I wonder who it's from? Maybe a bad ex colt-friend. Probably.

"Oh course you can" she is still sniffing, but seems fine with us reading the letter; this isn't worrying now, this is suspicious. It is becoming suspicious, I agree.

"Well, thank you" Let's read this...

Dear Derpy,

your friend, Winchester needs to be removed from Ponyville, he doesn't seem to be perfectly normal, it may show a bad response to any visitor or tourists.

From, your friend,

Twilight Sparkle.

"Wait!? What does this..." Oh... Heavens...Above!

"I'm sorry!" Oh, right in the kisser! Well, hello, darkness. What's new...

"Ow, my head" Well, damn it, it was a dream. A dream, I got hit in the head, punched myself, and felt pain...from both! Lucid dream. That isn't how those work. What day is it? Either Saturday or Thursday. Very vivid, wait, what is your foot touching? It feels like paper. Let's look at what it is. It's an envelope? It's got a little heart stamp on the front, you have secret admirer, how cute. Oh, ha, let's just read it...

Winchester,

Together, as friend's, our time was short,

but you have liked me and loved me better than any one I ever knew.

As I've said, I'm not the brightest nor the stupidest, but you have show me a part of me, pardon my slang side, that is an egg-head.

I hope this letter, has said that "you are a good pony" as you are one, I hope you remember this.

Your sorry friend,

Derpy S. Hooves.

You can say it. D'awwwwwww....