The Celestial Grand Vizier

by Teh Foopie

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Human, Dark, Comedy
Length: 14620

Joseph Harper has been selected to carry the essence of a fallen man, turned sultan, then powerful sorcerer, then all-powerful genie. Quite literally shoved into Equestria, he must learn about the native land, and reconsider what it means to exist.

-Part of The Inheritors Universe by Jimmy the Grape-

A young man has been selected by one man, a former Vizier, then Sultan, then sorcerer, and then former genie to carry his dying essence. The only catch is that he cannot be sent back to his home world. Perhaps Jafar did it all just to spite him, but Joseph Harper was sent to a land ruled by… Magical. Talking. Ponies.

How will he cope with these new powers? Can he stop his sanity from unraveling as he uncovers dangerous knowledge of the universe? Can he stop himself from becoming a true villain like his predecessor? And more importantly…

Does he want to?

Human in Equestria with a twist; slight crossover with Aladdin. Setting is outside of Equestria until Chapter Two.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-09 06:09:28 UTC

Prologue - The Loophole

Prologue - The Loophole

The universe is something special, and Joseph respected that.

He had lost count of the nights spent stargazing, of personal projects devoted to find out what made something happen, how it happened, why it happened. And tonight was unlike any other.

He could see the stars, all of them.

Joseph lived in a growing town situated directly between Tampa and Orlando, Florida, named Lakeland; from the countless lakes and water-filled former phosphate pits that dotted the landscape. Currently, the power plant was undergoing renovations to accommodate the rising need for power. Joseph supposed it was a mistake that happened, but the entire area surrounding, and including, Lakeland was in blackout. No lights going into the air, which for once, was free of clouds or storms. And the result was magnificent.

The milky way was visible, splattered across the sky, with innumerable stars and galaxies filling the celestial sphere. A waxing gibbous moon clearly shown among them, lighting the ground without drowning out the stars surrounding the natural satellite. Joseph always was left speechless by the infinitude of it all. Of all the reactions, carefully memorized, that made the stars glow in an impossible show of heat and power. Of the radiation pouring across the great voids between great nebulae and stars, all seeming to float in an invisible sea. And how it all translated down to the tiniest detail on the smallest blade of grass beside him. The workings of the natural world were some of the few things that could fill him with awe and respect.

Now, he was no poet. By his own account, he was merely an angsty teenage boy constantly suffering from the combined stupidity of humanity. But he knew what he was, who he was, and all of it (to his continued annoyance) to a greater extent than that of his peers. He was not a genius, just a child given true self-awareness. He needed answers to all of life’s great questions, and little did he know...

Tonight he would get them.

Several thousand years ago; another place, another time...

Inside the towering, dark inferno, two eyes and a mouth screamed with enough rage to cause a god to cower.

“GRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!”

Dark red fire burst from his hands and shattered a table constructed out of cave stone.

Deep underground in the land of the dead, Hades climbed from the river Styx, and suffered from a humiliating defeat at the hands of the Wonder Boy, Hercules.

Hades’ two minions, a stout red demon named Pain, and a blue scrawny demon named Panic, knew that their master had anger problems. They knew not to mess with him when the fire donning his head turned orange, and they certainly knew not to mess with him when it turned a deep red. Despite their best attempts to hide, Hades burst into existence beside them. Towering over them in a robe of black, grey, dead skin framing two furious eyes; he was imposing at the best of times. But now, with a dark red flame engulfing his shoulders and head, casting billowing black smoke into the air, he personified death.

“YOU TWO...”

Panic acted upon his namesake and leapt to grovel at his master’s non-existent feet.

“Pl-please don’t kill us your fear-fullness!”

Pain decided to help, and joined Panic at groveling.

“Yeah! We-we’re innocent!”

Hades slammed his hand into his own face, and dragged it down. When he finally spoke, he did so with a deadly conviction... “Just. Get. Jafar. From the. River. Now.”

Panic shot up, “Th-te-the river?”

Pain added, “Jafar? What do you want with-”

“NOW!” Hades transformed into a tower of fire, and to the two minions’ credit, they ran off and performed the necessary ritual to bring a soul to the top of the river. Hades glided off up the stairs into his dark, circular planning chamber, constructed out of a cliff overlooking the glowing river Styx. He went straight through the dark, cavernous hallways into his throne room and promptly sat down upon the shadowy throne made of underworldly stone. He looked out into the long chamber, held up on either side by multiple stone columns made from conjoining stalactites and their counterparts. He hated this dreary place, hated the crying souls that kept him up at night, he hated his minions, the mortals, and his brothers and sisters. But most of all, he hated HERCULES; and right now, he knew exactly who was to blame. Because someone had to be. His plan was perfect. He spent EIGHTEEN YEARS to watch it flush down the figurative drain, there was no possible way he could of been responsible. He even had the Fates on his side! No. He could trace back ONE event. ONE EVENT that led to Hercules being able to outwit him. And there was going to be hell to pay.

Soon enough, the pitter-patter of little feet echoed through the hallways; heralding the arrival of his two IGNORANT minions, towing along a transparent ASSHAT.

The ASSHAT was Jafar, the former Grand Vizier of Agrabah, then the former Sultan, then former legendary sorcerer, then formerly omnipotent genie. If he were not transparent, he would of been intimidating. Standing tall over many other people, wearing dark and red robes from his time as sorcerer, a gaunt face, twisted beard, and empty eyes; he was the most feared man in all of Agrabah. Then he died, and under some great misunderstanding, came into the possession of Hades, Lord of the Dead.

“You...” Hades’ fiery hair turned into a deep blue flame, barely rising above his scalp.

Jafar looked up, and spoke with a haughty tone, ‘Have you finally realized your mistake, and are going to release me?”

Hades couldn’t help but chuckle, despite himself. “No-no-no-no, no! I summoned you here for a very different reason...” Hades smiled and leaned back into his chair, clasping his hands together so hard his knuckles turned white.

Jafar then said, “Well then I suppose I’m not interested,” Jafar moved back towards the hallway, dragging Pain and Panic along with him, “now, if you will excuse me, I need to get back to the innumerable crowds of dead souls. I trust you understand-”

A sudden wall of blue fire towered before Jafar and his exit. For once, Jafar was stunned into silence.

“NO YOU INSUFFERABLE...” Hades jumped up into flame, then seemed to calm down, “*ahem*... No no, I’m afraid you can’t leave just yet, Jafar, ol’ buddy ol’ pal” Hades wandered down to Jafar while talking, and punctuated his sentence with two extremely strong slaps on his transparent back. Curious it was that Hades could touch and hurt him in this state.

Jafar regained his composure a moment later, “Then what is it? I haven’t all eternity you know.”

Hades ignored his snide remark, and put his fingers together, saying in a sweet and innocent tone, “Buddy, look, remember that one time where I brought you back to life in exchange for destroying Hercules?”

Jafar raised his eyebrow, “Yes?”

Hades then mockingly scratched the back of his neck, as he seemed to struggle to find his next words. “And then... You tried to outsmart him, it worked, but he learned and managed to outwit you?”

“Yes, I remember perfectly well, he sealed my fate in being dead.” Jafar knew where this was leading.

Hades then slapped a hand on Jafar’s ghostly shoulder, “He then managed to perfect being a hero, defeated every trial I put out for him, I tricked him into signing a deal to destroy his godhood, but he found a loophole, rescued his love FROM THE RIVER STYX, AND THEN PUNCHED ME INTO THE RIVER, TRAPPING ME DOWN THERE FOR TWO YEARS, HUMILIATING ME AND DESOLATING MY PLAN TO RULE THE COSMOS?!?” Hades’ hands were now gripping his shoulders so tight, that if Jafar had bones, they surely would of been shattered by now.

“Sounds like a personal problem.” Jafar widened his eyes at his own stupidity, as Hades did something similar. Of course, Jafar did not have flaming hair that momentarily went out.

Hades’ robe that draped over his shoulder then burst into a dark cloud that surrounded him, creating the effect of a hooded cloak of pure darkness.

“III WILL END YOOOU!!!”

And much to the shock of the two minions nearby, Hades drew up a dark, clawed hand and struck Jafar; who then shrieked as his soul was shredded apart.

Now Hades was Lord of the Dead, the Afterlife, and the Underworld. He ruled over every aspect of life after death, and had complete control over it. He could consume souls if he wanted to, though he did not like to. He always looked for new ways to expand his kingdom, and as such, it has been a very long time since he erased a soul from existence.

Hades would of liked to believe that Jafar was destroyed utterly.

The fact was, Jafar did not die the first time under normal circumstances, he was a mortal turned genie, and died as a genie. Leaving his mortal soul unresolved, half of him went into Hades’ domain, and his immortal half went to another place entirely.

The genies are not human, no, they come from a different plane of existence, from their brothers, the Djiin. There is a place where Djiin and genies go when they are punished, when they die, when they are destroyed on the mortal plane. And that place was the Djiini Abyss. A realm made with punisments made to subdue gods, to contain the restless souls of those who would destroy all. And a mortal was just sent there. To a worse hell than one can comprehend. Quarter genie, quarter mortal, and only half existing.

His consciousness was transferred to this other place, where he awoke within a personal void. He did not know how, but he knew that terrible beings realized he awoke. And they were coming soon to punish him. He wouldn’t be able to resist, to escape before they came to collect them. But while in this worse hell than any hell, he would have time to read the rules of the Djiin. Perhaps he could find a loophole, let him solve this paradox that he was, so everything could be resolved.

But that day would not come for thousands of years.

Chapter 1 - The Loophole Explained

Chapter 1 - The Loophole Explained

Joseph Harper prided himself on being observant. It was also being observant that led him to accidentally fall into what happened next.

Joseph rode along a dirt trail, meandering through a series of dark woods and streams behind his neighborhood. It was one of those trails, so often journeyed, that every turn and detail is memorized. He made the second right, leading him to a part where the trees overhead parted for a little while, and looked up to the beautiful canvas that the universe painted for him that night.

He eyed every nebula, every cluster of stars that the blackout allowed him to see. He took in the void between every star.

He didn't take in the left he should have made.

Joseph let out a grunt of curiosity as the trees closed together, leaving him in darkness. There wasn't even enough light for him to see the figure spread across the trail.

Harper let out a cry of surprise as his bicycle flipped forward, leaving him to fall face down in the dirt. Though his eyes were obstructed, he could still hear the hiss that came near him.

“WHAT THE FUCK NO!” Joseph bolted upright, but it was too late.

Surrounding him must have been the largest snake in the world; a great cobra, with alternating red and black stripes, approximately 30 feet long and having a girth of 3 feet coiled itself in a circle around him. The cobra’s head rose above Joseph’s head and looked down into his eyes. It found only surprise in his eyes however, and after analyzing him, nodded in approval.

“Child...” Joseph’s eyes widened when he heard the snake speak, “Thisss may hurt a little...” The serpent grinned and flashed two huge fangs. It then struck down at his neck at lightning speeds, and when its fangs entered Joseph’s field of vision, were dripping venom.

“NO! No. No... nonono...” Joseph protested as a numbness zipped throughout his body, and the world became fuzzy around him. The snake constricted around him, and Joseph felt himself sliding down... Past the ground... Into a void.

After several minutes, he realized he was aware he was in a void, and snapped his eyes open, frantically searching around him. He found only the void though, and felt what appeared to be a brass coil around his waist and arms; dragging him ever further down.

It was much longer before color burst into his world.

He looked around him, and immediately wished he hadn't

Everywhere around him, monstrous creatures  were undergoing horrible tortures, whilst human silhouettes of light restrained them. For a moment, a creature with a striking resemblance to Cthulhu looked at him, and roared. There were key differences however, such as how it had reptilian legs bent backwards, and four sets of long arms ending at blades sprouted from its back. Immediately, it was restrained by the silhouettes and dragged back into a churning black pit.

The worst part was the way reality itself seemed to fold in on itself, leaving more places and tunnels for impossible demons to be tortured in. Most of the time, light was bent around and inside nothing, suggesting walls while other times rust covered surfaces acted as a “structure.” For example, there was a brick wall, on one side held a gateway into a furnace with screeching bats, and the other side held a portal to a torture room, with a glowing green humanoid corpse was stretched on a rack. Below that had a single window, where a pitch black eye with a dead, yellow iris stared at him.

Joseph felt an impossible terror come over him, and blood poured from his nose while a splitting migraine filled his head. At once, a coil came up and covered his eyes, and a white noise drowned out the painful thoughts and attempts at comprehension.

All of this happened in the course of three seconds.

For the time in which he was dragged down, he felt a numbness go over his mind. He almost couldn't hear the roars and cries of an army of beasts of legend were punished for all eternity. And at last, the coils lifted from him, dropping him on a cold, stone floor.

Shaking, Joseph got the courage to look up, and try and figure out where he was. The sight was strange to say the least.

In front of him appeared a brass snake, a smaller replica of the cobra that pulled him into this abyss, engraved stripes and all. Looking around, he was in a circular room, seemingly made of a bluish-gray stone with pillars evenly spaced around the edge. The diameter appeared to be around 4 meters, on the floor sat stone tiles of a complex shape, and above the pillars vaulted into the center, making a dome.

In the center sat a red creature roughly 2 1/2 meters tall, humanoid with no legs, loosely chained to a small pedestal, and having a black ponytail and a scraggly black beard.

“Hello there child.”

Joseph of course reacted calmly and professionally to the creature speaking to him.

“What the actual fuck, are you Satan? OH DEAR GOD NO, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO BE HERE?!? NO!”

The creature merely raised a hand, and Joseph’s mouth slammed shut.

The devil then began to glow as a mysterious light surrounded him, shrinking his stature.

Until there sat Jafar, in ratted robes, looking worse than any depiction of him ever had been.

“J-Jafar? What?” Jafar raised his hand once more.

“I have been down here for thousands of years, and I shall not be denied the right to monologue.” Jafar raised an eyebrow at the man sitting before him in questioning, and the subject sat down and shrugged accordingly.

“I know you recognize me, so I suppose I should be grateful that I chose a world where that... Walt Disney is credited for his tales.” Joseph raised an eyebrow at this, but remained quiet. After all, everyone deserves a good monologue every now and then.

“You see, after the events of my momentary truce between Hades and I- you do know of this correct?”

“Of course, you tried to get Hades, and then Hercules to kill Aladdin.”

“Good boy, I see you aren't as easily illusioned as that fool of a god, so I suppose you shall do just fine.” Jafar then rose from his pedestal, and his chains extended to coil on the ground.

“Now then, due to me being a mortal, turned immortal, it is needless to say that I died unusually. I was destroyed in only the way that a genie can. Thus I am here.”

“And where is here?”

“Inquisitive. I shall explain, best get comfortable..."

"The Djiin... Were a race of gods once allowed to live on earth as man’s companions. From them flowed magic, and they were extremely proficent at it.” As he spoke, illusions were spun from the cracks in the floor; showing scenes of flying humans with smoke forming their lower halves. In one, a Djiin poured life from his hands to create a garden. Others formed mountains, gave life to children, spun artworks in the sky as clouds formed pictures.

“To humanity was given creativity, and the sciences.” Pictures of humans creating machines, medicines in laboratories, and an old man writing in a large book over his desk showed next. “But the Djiin were jealous sort.”

The Djiin looked at humanity’s creation and turned black. “They hated that humans could design great things without magical power, they felt cheated and concluded that, because the humans had not magical power, they were not fit to rule.”

Horrible images of Djiin towering over crying families showed next; sending off men to work in mines and mothers to pleasure the “gods.” Jafar continued, “A few of them fought against the corruption of their race, protecting them from these darker creatures, who slowly turned into great monsters.” A legion of Djiin stood their ground against a horde of demons, using magics that decimated the mindless monsters.The war was tearing apart cities, destroyed the last of man’s technology that regressed so during the rule of the darker Djiin.

“And then one day, the creators returned.”

All images froze while a group of eight towering figures looked upon Earth.

“They were disgusted that the Djiin would abuse their power so, and banished the evil ones to a dark plain.” The dark monsters were sucked into a hole, growling and roaring at the sky, until the ground covered them and their screams were silenced.

“A few renounced their evil ways, and traded their freedom for a life on the mortal Earth.” A bright blue Djiin had golden cuffs clasped around his arms and flowed into a golden lamp, which was sent into a far away desert. “They were forced into an eternity of servitude, had to obey heavy rules, but they were alive. And I suppose that was all that mattered to them.”

The scene changed to a group of sparkling Djiin. “The ones that defended humanity were honored, and in some worlds were declared gods.” A picture of a bright and caring Djiin was shown creating a lush garden, which housed a nude man and woman.

“Of course, not all stayed pure, but others who were defeated them.” A picture of three brothers, a tall muscular one holding a lightning bolt, a dark one with flaming hair, and one holding a trident stood above a group of elemental titans, banishing them to a prison underneath the ocean.

“The magical power that the banished Djiin once held was freed, and allowed to flow across the land.” A wormhole opened next, flowing a bright, clear energy out throughout the world; and flowing into humans. “The magical energy gave new life into the world, and was accessible to humanity at last.”

Pictures of men and women in magician’s clothing, holding staves and wands, crafted potions, blessed crops, and wandered across the world.

“Unfortunately, with this hardly understood power, humanity began to regress, and stayed ignorant to their true place in the universe” A picture of the eight creators presided over the world. A few shaking their heads, shakily raising their hands toward the planet.

“And as such, they took away this power, leaving them back at the beginning. Gods were taken to another world to live in peace for all eternity, and humanity was left with nothing but silence.” The world seemed to die, and stagnant for the longest time, with death flowing west across the world.

Suddenly a spark was shown in the Middle East, a slight glow traveling up to Europe, which began to glow like the sun.

“A rebirth began, and flowed across the world. Europe pushed past everything humanity knew, creating new nations, and sometimes enslaving others.” A picture of an eagle flew from a settlement of white men, flying over camps of Native Americans.

“Onwards they discovered more about the universe, and have progressed to the stage that you know at your own." The room filled with images of inventors and scientists. Cities were built, power grids became online as the world illuminated in the darkness.

"That is the status quo of your world.”

Joseph took a minute to digest the information. It went against everything he knew, and there was the slightest possibility that he was just hallucinating. But that pain from before was too real, so perhaps... Perhaps...

“That doesn’t answer my question, though...” As the scenes from Earth died out, he remained to stare at where they were. “...Those creatures from outside, how when they noticed me, they seemed to instantly hate me... The realm of the fallen Djiin, that's where we are.”

Jafar seemed to nod approvingly. “Yes, although the more accurate term is the Djiini Abyss.”

Joseph looked up at him. “And when you were decimating Agrabah, breaking the natural order... When you died, you were sent here.” Jafar raised his eyebrows, he wasn’t expecting the boy to be this astute.

Joseph studied him further. “Theory. Due to the fact you are a mortal turned Djiini, half of you was sent to Hades, while another half was sent to this Abyss. This would explain why you seem so weak.”

Jafar scowled at the last statement, but resigned to clapping slowly. “It appears I have made an excellent choice.”

“What choice?”

Jafar dropped his arms and said, “Perhaps I have glossed over a certain detail.” He walked back to the stone pedestal and sat. “This realm was never meant for mortals like me, this realm was designed to torture and subdue gods.”

Jafar clicked his fingernails together. “For the thousands of years I was here, I endured tortures beyond all mortal comprehension. I lost my sanity three times, and at every opportunity, I studied the rules of Djiini imprisonment. The opportunities were rare and far between of course.”

He looked back down at Joseph and sighed. “I have found one exit, the transfer of my essence to a willing recipient.”

Joseph’s eyes widened so far he thought they might fall out of his skull.

“I know what you are thinking. No, this is not a transfer of my soul, when I give you my essence you will gain a fraction of my powers and abilities; which will, in time, grow with your knowledge of them, but I will cease to exist.” Jafar dropped his shoulders and the haughty attitude for one of sincerity. “You must understand, the horrors I have seen and experienced... I do not want freedom... I just want my torture to end.”

Joseph never thought of Jafar this way, always a usurper, always a snake; but never as a tortured soul to be pitied. Was he always this way? Did something cause him to become evil? But before he could continue this train of thought, Jafar recovered.

“Of course, you are currently trapped within a hell designed for creatures far beyond your comprehension, so I am assuming your total cooperation.”

He looked up to Jafar and merely said, “Yes.”

“Good. Now come here, both of you. There is not much time left.

Joseph got to his feet and looked around before he realized who Jafar was referring to. The brass cobra was watching this entire time, and now slithered forward into Jafar’s left hand. He walked over to Jafar, who then placed his right hand upon Joseph’s forehead.

The cobra’s eyes began to glow a deep red, and shrank down into the tall walking staff that was iconic to the man performing the unknown ritual. Suddenly Joseph’s mind burned, but then also filled with numbness, causing a strange sensation to flow throughout his veins. After a few seconds Jafar stopped, visibly tired, and incredibly aged from his forty-year-old self or so that had been there prior. The centenarian Jafar shakily handed Joseph the staff.

“Once you leave this realm, I will know peace, and you will know power.” A portal of some sort opened behind Joseph. “There is a slight problem however. In that you may not be sent back to your world.”

Joseph grimaced, dark memories of his life flashed before his eyes. “Good.” As he neared the portal, a few questions he had been meaning to ask came to his mind. “Wait! How come you aren't being tortured right now?”

Jafar smiled, “Because I am part mortal, and wished to perform this ritual. They were eager to get rid of me, as you can see they have their hands full right now.”

“But who were they, the silhouettes I mean!”

“All in due time.”

“What powers will I possess, will I be able to return to my world should I want to?”

Jafar cackled as they stood in front of the portal. Bright light could be seen passing through the ripples in space-time. “I trust that a clever boy such as yourself can figure it out in time. Keep hold of the staff, it holds your true potential.  Now go!”

And with that, the old man, chuckling, shoved the snake staff in his hand, and pushed him through the portal, to destinations unknown.

Jafar felt something snip in his heart, and felt as wisps of himself dissolved into the surrounding air. He walked over to the pedestal and sat down. His mind began to get fuzzy, and he couldn’t think straight as he faded from existence.

“So this... is what being... an idiot... is like... Fascinating...”

Chapter 2 - Meeting the Inhabitants

Joseph opened his eyes to see nothing. He could think a little, and thought this was strange.

‘Where am I? Am I back in that Abyss?’  He pushed himself off of the ground with great effort, only managing a shaky kneel, noting the cold, slick texture that rested underneath his palms.

Looking around, he looked up and saw a faint glow from above, illuminating multiple shiny spikes from the roof and floor. ‘WAIT, AM I IN A MOUTH?’

To test his theory, he flipped over one of his hands and tapped against the floor with his knuckles, meeting only painful rock. Perhaps it was fatigue, but tapping the rock should not have hurt as bad as it did.

“Cave...” Joseph spoke subconsciously, hearing a deep, hollow echo reverberate above and behind him. Perhaps it was a trick of the cave, but his voice sounded deeper than usual.He pushed himself onto his feet, only to feel the blood rush out of his head, and his vision darken as he collapsed.

“Really. Should’ve worked out more.” It is true, a lifetime of studying and experiments does horrors for one’s body. As a result, Joseph was short, scrawny, and dotted with acne. Though through his hazy mind, something was off... He felt, stretched...

Propping his body up by the arms, his observation was correct. His back bent slightly further than he was used to, and his toes felt farther back than before.

‘Am I? Wait...’ He spotted a pool of cave water off to his right, and crawled over to look at his reflection.

The first difference was his face. Which was no longer pock-marked with acne, but smooth and longer, with slightly higher cheekbones. His hair was black, short, with a gold strand running back through the middle. ‘The hell..?’ He moved a hand up to feel it; it was cold and metal, but it was thin and flexible like any other hair. ‘Strange...’

At this movement, he noticed he did not have to move his arm as far as he used to. Joseph looked to his left, and grabbed hold of a stalagmite, pulling himself to his feet. After a few moments, his body adjusted, and he could lean over to see himself.

He was tall. His limbs were stretched out, fingers longer. He must have been around two meters now, as opposed to a mere five-foot-two prior. He may of been only eighteen before, but this Joseph looked older, wiser, and slightly more intimidating. Intimidating though he has not bulked up in width at all.

“I look like Jafar now...” Joseph smiled, “Wonder why that is.”

Though his clothes had barely changed. He was now wearing a maroon t-shirt and black jeans, and he even had his favorite pair of gray converse shoes! On top of this he had a long black hoodie, maroon on the inside, with a woven gold trim.

He was expecting something a little grander, being the inheritor of someone’s essence.  But this appeared to be the extent of things. Looking up to his left, he saw the glowing entrance of the cave, now clearly outlined. Joseph walked towards the entrance of the cave, and felt a metallic object strike his foot.

He looked down, and saw the pale outline of a walking staff, complete with a bulky head. Jafar’s words echoed through his head... ‘Keep hold of the staff, it holds your potential.’ The only question was what he meant. Joseph decided he could use a staff, and picked it up. Besides, it would be rude to leave this in a hole in the... Ground? Mountain?

“First things first, figure out where the hell I am.”

He walked up the slight incline to the mouth of the cave, nearly slipping on occasion. Despite the staff’s material, it never slipped. Joseph filed away that thought and walked out into the sunshine.

What he saw surprised him to say the least. Jafar did not joke around when he said this was not his world.

The air seemed so vibrant. The world itself seemed to be cartoonish in design, and pastel colors were painted across the land. To the direct south, he could see a quaint village far beneath him, surrounded on the east by- ‘A rainforest? At least the village itself seems peaceful.’

As soon as he thought this, he saw three things. First, a miniscule purple blur launching out of the village toward the jungle. Second, a larger, darker blur shooting out the opposite edge of town. Third, what appeared to be a giant glass dome came into existence above the town, lowered itself in a red glow, and secured itself around the town.

‘...’

‘...’

‘...’

‘K then.’

Since this event clearly needed further study, he stepped out of the cave onto an outcropping roughly four meters wide, by two meters deep. He looked down onto the fields below, and on the cliff that this cave rested upon. There seemed to be no visible way down, other than falling hundreds of feet into a possibly untamed forest. Gulping, he looked to his right to find the outcrop end into the side of the mountain. Looking to his left he saw what appeared to be a small pathway lead around a boulder.

“Seems promising enough.” And at this Joseph stopped. Looking back, he thought it could have been a trick of the cave, but he his voice seemed deeper. The fact is that it was deeper.

“Hello, heh-heh-helloooooo.” His voice seemed to be a smooth, natural baritone. He smiled; this was right up there with the new height, concerning improvements.

He continued along, walking around the boulder and looking onwards. The sight that met him shocked him into silence once more.

There. Underneath him. There was a massive, alabaster castle slapped right on the face of the mountain. Right on the face of the mountain. The city. Was... Never mind...

The castle was beautiful. White columns rose up to gold-swirled purple spires. The battlements were not more than artistically designed walls, while a waterfall from above seemed to fill the moat, and eventually fall down to the country-side, where a river flowed across the land.

He looked ahead of him and sighed; the waterfall forming the moat would be crossing his path. He was not looking forward to crossing that.

Looking back down, he noticed a railroad come out from ‘his’ cliff and run through the walls, leading to a train station and beyond that... Actually, past the castle there seemed to be a rather large city resting beside it. Everything about it screamed up-scale.

It seems he found his next destination alright; though he knew the residents would not take kindly to a stranger meandering the cliffs directly beside the castle.

Joseph put a hand to his chin in contemplation. Perhaps he should try approaching during the night. But if they found him sneaking around that close to the castle, wouldn’t that incriminate him instantly? Perhaps he would just have to wait and see their defenses at night. If he could get by, great! If not... Perhaps he could go one day without food. He had a rather slow metabolism rate after all.

He felt the ground beneath him and looked to the sky. The surface was very cool, the sun was definitely in one hemisphere. Early morning perhaps.

Joseph had four options, he rationalized.

One. Head into the city and see if the natives were friendly. Possible casualties, low success rate if the natives are not human. Possible chance for nourishment and rest.

Two. Same benefits could be acquired if journey is taken at night. Scout out the defenses and see if he could get through then, risks could be greater. Much more difficult to see at night.

Three. Sleep until nightfall and save energy for coming journey.

Four. Explore cave until nightfall, dangerous, not worth it.

Secret Option Number Five. Some unholy-love baby of several options above.

Naturally, he chose number one.

He decided it would be best to move towards the city in broad daylight. Not only would they be more likely to believe he was just passing through, (which he was) but he could see if waiting was entirely necessary. He couldn’t well survive alone up on this cliff for all eternity, now could he?

Joseph stepped forward, and so begun his trek to the glorious mountain-city.

************************

Several pitfalls, piles of rocks, and a near-death experience later, he found himself at... The River. Or was it more of a spring? At any rate, it was the only thing stopping him from reaching the castle.

He looked out at the rushing water, seeing two large streams run by, only separated by a narrow piece of land. On his right, there was a boulder twice his height he could probably use to jump across.

Joseph put his staff in his teeth, stuck his hands in the gap between the rock and the mountain, and pulled himself up on top of it. He looked down at the river, now so much larger, and faster, and farther away than it had been.

He gulped and closed his eyes.

Sure, the river was running faster than he was comfortable with. Sure, the river was dumping hundreds of times his body weight in water down the cliff every second. Sure, the river only ran for about three meters before it turned into a deadly waterfall in a second. Sure, he was probably too weak to ju-

“SHUT UP!” Joseph slapped himself to accentuate his point. “YOU, you are not helping right now. So just...” Joseph opened his eyes and took in the scene before him. HOW, how did movie stars always show barely any fear before these types of situations? He was shivering all over! “So just shut up...” He put the staff into his right hand.

He closed his eyes.

Now or never.

No time to think.

Squatted back.

Start forward.

Running leap.

Push with legs.

Dear lord.

‘I’m flying.’

Hear wind.

Start falling.

Open eyes.

“OHDEARGODNO-WHATTHEFUCK-NO-NOTNOW-TOOSOON-GOTTAGOFASTER-NOOOOOO!”

And he was so close too.

Joseph fell down just before the opposite bank, immediately being torn to his left, towards that cliff.

“PLEASE NO-HE-HOO!!!”

Then something snagged behind him.

His feet dangling just off the edge of the FREAKING WORLD.

He looked behind him, and praised whatever god ruled over this land for what he saw.

The staff, for a lack of a better term, seemed to have come alive! A plant that was not there previously stuck out over the river, and the... now GOLDEN snake staff had its jaws clamped around the bark-covered stalk.

He pulled his left arm around and grabbed a hold of the staff. He pulled himself further and further along until he could touch the plant. The plant’s leaves seemed to shake with delight as he touched it, and Joseph pulled himself onto dry, GLORIOUS land.

He lay there, panting, for what seemed the longest time. Perhaps it was the adrenaline leaving him, but now he felt outright weak. In addition to this, a splitting headache roared in his skull. But he was just so ALIVE.

Suddenly a giddy feeling washed over his body; and what began as a chuckle burst out into a full out, no air left to breathe, fit of mad laughter.

Grinning so hard he thought he might split his cheeks open, he looked over to his snake staff and studied it for the first time since coming out of the cave.

Its jaws were now shut as was previous, and perhaps he didn’t notice earlier, it was now made of gold. The stripes from the original cobra carried over, engraved in little lines across its surface.  Its eyes were two deep, mesmerizing rubies, and the head came up just above Joseph’s shoulders. Thinking back, Joseph wondered... How in the hell did he not slip off of it while in the river? He chalked it up to... Magic.

Considering what just happened previously, Joseph kissing it on the lips and confessing his love towards it was hardly an overreaction.

Slowly, ever so shakily, Joseph got to his feet, and looked back upon the conquered stream.

“OH-HO FUCK YOU, HAH! Yeah, no, nhehehoho, can’t touch this, can you?” He did a strange little dance of celebration. “OH thank you Jafar! Awesome wizard powers, CHECK. Nothing! Nothing can stop me!” Joseph then turned around and saw the remaining stream.

Thankfully, it was only about 2 feet wide.

With a hop, skip, and a jump, Joseph leapt across. Then his head felt like it ripped in half.

Why was his head hurting so much? Ow. Thinking hurt. Joseph tried to think back to anything Jafar might have said to hint at this... 'Why am I still thinking...'

Wasn’t it, something about gaining a fraction of his power, which will grow with... time? Knowledge of the power? Honestly the end seemed to go by in a blur, what was all that about? All in all, Joseph wished the situation would have been explained to him. In detail. With accompanying diagrams and charts. Perhaps a slideshow with a bulletined list. But alas, life is not perfect.

Deciding now would be as good of a time as any to think of what powers he might have, he reflected on what he knew of Jafar. At first, he was a vizier, who could cast spells, could scry for specific people, and knew of ancient secrets.

Joseph could have sworn Jafar mentioned him getting a sliver of Jafar’s knowledge.

Later on, he became the most powerful sorcerer in the world, able to levitate people, transmogrify creatures and objects. He could also create massive furniture and (presumably) piles of gold; and on a lesser note, make massive buildings shoot off halfway across the world like rockets with a simple swing of his staff.

‘Yes. That is all.’

Then Jafar became an all-powerful genie.

Joseph’s eyes widened.

Then narrowed.

He didn’t feel particularly omnipotent. Actually, he felt weak by normal standards. Was it a time-share agreement with the universe? One day he’s a sorcerer, the other he’s a genie? Perhaps it just took time to grow. At least, he hoped there were powers to take time to grow.

He didn’t worry about that however, he was more than content with crazy-ass wizard powers. He noticed that the fatigue from earlier dissipated, so he got to his feet. Looking down at the castle, he could see the entire complex was far below him. He turned around and looked down the path.

He could see what appeared to be the path’s destination; a large, three-story high building with large windows. It rested just beyond the castle’s walls, and was slightly taller than the surrounding buildings.

Picking up his staff, he continued down the road; noting in the sky that it was currently late afternoon.

************************

He really had nothing to worry about security-wise. Not once had any patrol gone around the mountainside. At first he was concerned about this, but he later reasoned that this must be a peaceful land, barely any attacks to speak of. It was nearing dusk by the time he snuck into the building.

It could be argued that this was the most retarded act in all of history, but the man with crazy-ass wizard powers would disagree. He needed to find out where he was, and breaking and entering is the most effective way to find out.

Secretly find out that is.

There was no breaking involved, two windows on the second floor were left wide open, and right next to his little ledge.

I‘Inhabitants must really not care about security...’

He made a small jump, and pulled himself inside.

It was a library, that much was clear. With shelves, and rows of shelves, and walls covered in rows of shelves of books that went all the way up to the ceiling. There were rows of bookcases covering the floor. Books of all sizes and shapes and colors as far as the eye could see.

Joseph looked out the window, and discovered something. The building itself, was not outside the castle walls, but rather tucked away in a corner. The complex was large, with grand architecture rivaling that of the castle nearby, the two connected by a large garden filled with hedges and statues.

‘since this is clearly a part of the castle, security could be tight... Maybe... Time to ninja anyhoo.’

It had been a long time since he had ninja’d around, but now all of his skills would be put to the test. Perhaps. ‘WAS THIS PLACE ABANDONED OR SOMETHING?’

Perhaps he could find out some information from the books here; and so he ventured farther inwards. Wandering around, he glanced at a few of the titles.

‘Of Mice and Stallions’ ‘Hm?’

‘A Journey Into the Mind of a Fillyfooler’ ‘What... What do fillies have to do with anything?’

‘Apples of Wrath; a Biography of the Apple Family’ ‘Huh.’

‘Pursuing a Career in Your Cutie Mark’

He gave pause at this one, the title suggested that ‘cutie marks’ were something most inhabitants had. He took it, deciding he had better take a look at it.

‘Slumber 101: All You Ever Wanted to Know About Slumber Parties, but Were Afraid to Ask.’ ‘I’m sorry, what?’

‘ Daring Do and the Call of Cthulhu’ ‘No. I’m sorry. WHAT.’

He picked up this one. On the front cover pictured a tan... Pony? Were those wings? Pegasus? With freakishly huge eyes running away from the ocean, and Mr. Rape-Face himself.

He looked around, noting the countless other stories in the series. No doubt he was in the children’s section with a character like this. He took the book, if only to see how they managed to shove a Lovecraftian horror tale into a book for kids.

Moving along, he noticed a pattern across the different titles. Ponies. Stallions. Horses. He wasn’t sure what gave the vibe, but there seemed to be a thing for horses in this library.

At last he came to a large glass doorway, with a golden inscription above.

Muttering as he read it... “Canterlot National Archive of Magical Tomes”

“Canterlot?” That settles it, this place must be run by horse fanatics. It made absolutely no sense to focus and build a society around horses.

Joseph suddenly flinched, as if struck by a bolt of other-worldly irony...

Joseph looked at the ornate blue and gold door, noticing that it was already opened. 'Magical tomes huh? Perhaps I could learn a thing or two in here...' Throwing caution out the door, onto the floor, 'everybody walk the dino-'

He walked inside.

The rooms were much more regal, with patterned rugs instead of white tiles, banners on the corners of bookcases, and chandeliers hanging from the roof. Everything seemed to centralize around a circular area filled with couches and tables, making bookcases radiate out onto the large, tall walls.

Joseph walked to the center of the room and looked around, other than the lit chandeliers, there was no evidence of any life in here whatsoever. He looked down onto the tables and found a black tome sitting out.

'Necroponicon’

‘... I- I give up.’

He thought back to what drew him to this room in the first place, and realized something.

That he couldn’t be a true sorcerer without the knowledge of how to do so. That perhaps magic worked in this world like it did in his world. Potentially, there was valuable information in here. And he was going to get it.

He looked around for signs, and found blue metallic labels dictating what was in each aisle. He spun around, looking at random categories.

‘Transmogrification’

‘Elemental Magic’

‘Illusion' 'Nothing like a little, good ol' smoke and mirrors...'

‘Magical Runes’

‘Conjuration’

‘Divination’

‘Magical Theory’ ‘Bingo.’

If there was anyway he was going to learn magic, he would have to start at the beginning. And understanding how it all worked was key in his own opinion.

He walked over to the first set of shelves and began searching.

‘Basic Magical Theory I, II, and III’ “Boom. Taken.”

‘Intro to Meditation’ “Also taken.”

‘Magical Dynamics of Crystalline Structures’ “Mhm, I love them jewelries.”

And then he heard a stifled cry from directly beside him.

He looked over his shoulder to find a pony with those huge eyes staring at him. It was about a meter tall from the top of it’s head, and was shivering visibly. Its expressive face showed nothing but shock and fear, its pupils were shrunk, eyes were green, and perhaps was trying to form words with its mouth. Its coat was a silvery grey, with a light blue mane rolling down in curls. Oh, and it had a horn. Like a unicorn. No biggie.

Mr. Harper put on his best poker face.

“Why hello there strange unicorn creature. Say, do you have any books you would recommend to the beginning wizard?”

Perhaps he should not have been speaking aloud.

Chapter 3 - A Calm Discussion

‘Oh, this unicorn-thing is GOOD...’ Joseph thought as he stared down the thing next to him. His best poker face was beginning to slip into an awkward smile.

The unicorn in question was standing right where it was for the past minute, not a single change was present. If only its poker face didn’t make it look like it was about to shit itself, then the unicorn could have a career in televised gambling.

Finally, it snapped its jaws shut, narrowed its eyes, and... Lighted its horn? What?

“What. In. The name of Celestia. Are you?”

Joseph narrowed his eyes. Not in indignation, but in the fact that this creature never saw anything like him before. The thought was... Unsettling to say the least.

However, he decided to play on indignation, perhaps to show good nature, perhaps to show he lost his mind. They both came hand in hand here to be honest.

“How incredibly rude.” Joseph lifted his right hand to grip at his heart, “You mean to tell me you do not recognize your estranged mother?”

“What.”

“Now honey, back to my earlier question...”  Joseph picked up a book from the small stack he held in his other hand. “Do you have any good wizardry books? I picked up this one on... ‘Magical Dynamics of Crystalline Structures,’ but I don’t know how that would fit into basic magical theory... I mean to be honest-”

“NO! You be honest!” It was quite obvious now that the unicorn was a mare, or filly. Perhaps calling her either would be a faux paus. He decided to call her... A Her.

Joseph looked A Her in the eyes and raised an eyebrow.

“Once more. What are you?” She seemed to have lost her earlier fire now looking into his towering eyes, and her voice wavered at the end.

“I?” Joseph put down his stack of books and leaned on the bookshelf on his left. “I am a human. What are you?”

“I-I’m a unicorn.” Simple questions deserve simple answers he supposed... “Are you really, one of them?”

He scrunched his eyebrows together. “Well, without clarification as to which them, I can’t answer your question.”

A Her’s eyes widened. “There’s more of you?”

He wasn’t sure what gave it away, but something was up. Whether it be the sky, the cave in which he arrived in, or a massive conspiracy against the inhabitants of the universe. He lowered himself and sat to the right of his books; the sudden movement startling the unicorn and causing her to fall back on the bookcase behind her with a small ‘eep.’ It was sort of cute actually, in a sort of sick puppy dog sense.

“What do you mean by that?”

She looked around nervously, pawing at her leg with her hoof before continuing.

“Well, it’s just that... There are other humans here, with dangerous powers...”

‘That doesn’t sound good. Actually, that sounds familiar.’

“And, the Princess is worried about them...”

‘Princess?’

“And any subject was supposed to...” She stopped and looked at him with the biggest puppy-eyed stare he had ever seen.

And for some reason, his hand started to reach for the staff he dropped beside him earlier.

‘I don’t like where this is heading...’

“We were supposed to tell her if there were any new ones, and what they were doing.” She had a very soft voice. “And, here you are, sneaking around the palace grounds.”

‘Oh.’ The muscles he didn’t know were tensed up suddenly relaxed. He exhaled loudly.

‘You know, once you get used to how they look, they seem to be made from cuteness.’

“Well, I wanted to find out where I was...”

She looked at him incredulously. “And breaking and entering was the best way to do that?”

He winced. That was the exact opposite of his thought process not five minutes prior.

“Yesss.” Making his best to sound exasperated and hurt. “Maybe. What can I say, I like libraries.”

Joseph got to his feet, startling the unicorn into retreating once more, and looked back to the shelf above where she was sitting earlier.

“Speaking of which, can we please get back to my question.” He pulled out a random couple of large books and looked at them. “Magical Relativity I and II. Are these important books for beginning wizards?”

She stared at him. “Well, its the basis for all life on our planet, and centric to anything concerning magic. Our world is made up of the compounds named in those books.” Joseph stared at the book. “It was written by Clover the Clever thousands of years ago, and is the basis for all modern knowledge.”

“I take it as a yes then.” Joseph put it on his growing stack of books.

“Yes. Wait!” She shook her head, “NO! Why, why are you even in here? Why would you steal books?!”

“I am not stealing books! I am checking them out. I will return them!”

“Oh yeah, and when were you planning on- never mind! No, you are not taking those books!”

Grabbing up his staff, pretending it was a security blanket, he faked a sniffle and hid his eyes. “It’s, its because I’m not a pony... ISN’T IT?”

“Well, no.” She actually seemed SAD. “It’s because you don’t have a membership, and this section is off limits to non-castle personell, and its after closing time, and you sort of entered illegally...”

“All right, all right... I suppose I will just have to read them here.” He picked up the books and made towards the circle of couches.

“Wait, what gives you the right to do that?”

“Well, you’re here making sure I don’t get into trouble aren’t you?”

“I am a Graduate of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, training for a very important job right now! I cannot foal-sit a random alien!”

Joseph dropped his books on a spacious couch and looked at her. “And where are you training?”

She looked toward the ground where a pair of saddlebags lay by a couch nearby. “Um, in here actually...”

“And here I am, a random alien, with possible dangerous powers,” Joseph wiggled his fingers at her and made an ‘ooo.’ Which still made her shrink back. “and I am asking for your help to understand your society so I can co-exist peacefully.”

The unicorn was blushing from embarrassment now.

“Now then,” Joseph dropped down on the couch and crossed his legs, “you and I can have a little study session; I learn magic and basic information to survive on, you get diplomatic points from your precious Princess. Sound good?”

She did not respond, merely walked over, picked her saddlebags up with her teeth, and came back to sit down next to Joseph on the couch.

‘Dear, perhaps I upset her...’

“Hey...” She looked up at him, surprised to see only kindness radiating from his face. As much kindness as he could manage anyway. “What’s your name?”

“Clair Voyance.” Interesting name that was...

“Beautiful name.”

Clair actually smiled at this and asked him, “What’s your name?”

“Joseph Harper.”

She scrunched up her face. “Strange name.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle at this.

Wait, looking back... ‘I was a complete loner... I was never this good with words before...’

Chapter 4 - Midnight Study Sessions

From the Viewpoint of Clair Voyance

“OOOHOOO! What is this?”

I sighed. “Elemental Magic is the state of mana when it is ‘at rest’ in the natural world. It is divided into six super-categories, which are as follows: Fire, Earth, Water, Air, Aether, and Void. Void is infinitely more powerful than the other five, and is all but banished from this realm. The only times Void is present-”

“Cool! Hey! Listen! What is this?”

I merely dropped my face onto my hoof. And to think this night started so innocently...

************************

After they introduced one another on the couch, Joseph asked a question. Just one question... Seemed so harmless...

“So... What is this place exactly?”

Clair looked up from the book on scrying she was opening. “This, um, this place is Equestria.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Kay then.”

Clair went back into her book and found the page she was looking for. Page 132, on how to connect your crystal bal-

“So, you mentioned this place is ruled by a Princess?”

Well, to be honest, he was new here, so Clair figured she owed it to him to answer any questions he might have.

“Well, actually Equestria is ruled by two-”

“A diarchy?”

“Yes. That. They are both sisters, Celestia and Luna. Celestia raises the sun, and rules at daytime...” At this, his face contorted in confusion. “And Luna raises the moon. Luna also visits ponies’ dreams and paints the sky.”

Joseph’s face was devoid of any emotion.

“...That is the biggest load of communistic bullshit I have ever heard.”

**********************

So after that slight misunderstanding... Mr. Harper got around to apologizing, and I got around to tending his black eye.

Perhaps I overreacted, but Princess Celestia is practically my idol. She saved my family from poverty, and hand-picked me to-

“SO! So. If I kill a unicorn, cut off their horn, and use it to create a heart of an amulet... I can gain untold magical prowess and skill in mind-manipulation?” Mr. Harper looked at me excitedly. “Hypothetically speaking of course...”

If my eyes could see my face, they would see themselves practically falling out of their sockets... Wait, that didn’t make any sense...

“OOOKAY THEN. WELL, it was really nice spending the last six and a half hours going over magical theory with you and all... But I think it is about time we got some sleep, and go about tomorrow, calmly and rationally...”

“Silly you, I can’t go to bed now!”

“And why, praytell, can you not?”

“Because I don’t have a home anymore, much less a...” For the first time that night, that stupid grin flew right off his face, leaving behind a face of realization.

“I... Holy shit titties... This actually happened didn’t it?” Mr. Harper looked right at me.

“Well...” I looked right at him, and his focus dropped from me to his hands. “From what I can tell Mr. Harper... Are you okay?”

He didn’t seem to respond for several seconds before he decided that opening and closing his hands wasn’t so interesting anymore. “Yeah... Yeah I’m fine. It’s just that...”

He then shook his head and looked back at me with some of the confidence shown prior. “Um. Hey, look; can I maybe... Possibly, bunk with you tonight? I mean, looking back now, I lost control and was a complete pain in the, flank...” He didn’t see the blush come on my face from the vulgar comment, and continued. “And, I know that keeping you up until...” He looked at a grandfather clock nearby, “3:20 in the morning is inexcusable. I apologize, and...”

The first thought that came to my mind was horrible looking back upon it.

‘No. There is no way I am going to let a half-crazed alien with a mood disorder anywhere near my-’

To my slight credit, I stopped that line of thought and actually looked at the situation reasonably.

‘No. Stop that right now. Look at him. You KNEW that look in his eyes when he realized he didn’t have a home. Shame on you Clair Voyance! He was probably just in shock, with what he has probably been through...’

“I can carry my own weight, clean up, help out-”

“It’s alright.”

“I’m a fast-what?”

“You can stay with me. Just don’t, you know, make a big deal of it or anything. Just clean up after yourself, and you can stay.”

“... Thank you.”

“Oh, and... Don’t ever keep me up this late again. Alright?” I gave him my best stern look in the eyes.

Smiling awkwardly, “Of course... God this is awkward. Sorry for losing control back there...”

Returning a BETTER smile, “It’s alright. Not every night a pony gets to meet an alien anyway.” I turn back to pick up my saddlebags, long forgotten. I then turn and look at Mr. Harper to see him staring at his own sizable stack of books. How could anypony want to read so much?

“It’s okay.” He turns and looks at me, I continue. “I’ll just leave a note on the front counter. I was let in here for studying anyway, so I’ll just say I wanted to cram for my job next week. The Sparkles trust me at any rate.”

Smiling, Mr. Harper lifts up the sizeable stack of books, placing his staff between his arms and the books, and walks along with me to the entrance. After doing a strange crab-walk down the stairs and entering into the main foyer, he turns to me while I scribble down a note on a spare piece of paper.

“A job next week? Really?”

An alien is interested in my job? Walking out the door, the squee was audible. “Well, there are a group of advisers that work for the Princesses, each of their talents different. For example, the Captain of the Guard also works as a military adviser; the Grand Magus or Vizier or what have you, monitors magical flow throughout the nation, and deals with casting major spells that help the population. The Seer, which is the position I am going to fulfill, helps the Princesses see into the future, and monitor major events unfolding throughout the world!"

"I swear my voice just went up a few octaves by the end."

He looks at me with respect and reverence. “That actually sounds very important. No wonder you were studying so late.”

Rolling my eyes, “Well I wouldn’t have been up quite this late without somepony’s help...” I finished with a smile.

Mr. Harper made a sheepish grin and we kept on walking. We moved through the hedge garden towards the castle walls. There we went up on a walkway traveling over the walls, and down onto the elite district of Canterlot. The streets were silent, thank Luna, and we would be at my house in a minute or so.

“So, you live up here?” Looking around, he had good reason to be in awe. The immaculate white structures towering over our heads, the corners and walls rounded and curved to make one feel welcome. Flowers and plants bloomed on the sides of the roads and lawns, and everything was a peaceful tranquility only brought about by the night.

“Yeah, its temporary until next week though, then I get to move into my own personal chamber INSIDE the castle! I guess I will miss it out here, it is beautiful in its own right, isn’t it?”

“No, I meant why in the hell anybody would live smack dab on the face of a mountain.”

Oh. Right. “Well, beauty? It’s glorious? We need to show Canterlot is the capital city after all.”

“I suppose...”

“AHA! We’re here!” Grinning, I levitated my key out of my saddle bags while Mr. Harper looked on in interest.

‘Yeah, I know, magic IS pretty awesome.’

With a grand gesture, I ushered him inside. It was rather awkward, having to manuver a huge pile of books and a staff under a door entirely too small; but he managed.

Following him inside, after closing the door I walk in through the opening on my left, leading him into the living room.

“Just set your stuff down here,” Motioning to an open area in front of a table. He does so.

“Nice place you have here...” With pure white walls, a grand fireplace with golden-framed pictures on top, blue and carved wood couches, and a snazzy rug... Yes. Yes it is.

I lead him through another opening on the right, into the kitchen. “I assume you want something to eat?”

He practically jumps inside. “OH, THANK THE LORD! Yes! I’m so famished I could eat a ho... whole large amount of food with copious amounts of nutrition...”

'What? How is that even a good aphorism?'

“Well lucky for you, my fridge has copious amounts of nutrition... Um...” What does he eat... What is he like? How did we gloss over that?

“Apple?” I grin and hold one up for him to see. He smiles and accepts it, sitting down at a large wooden table I have in the left corner, opposite the fridge. I prepare a quick salad, and join him.

************************

...Believe it or not, we continued to talk. About what he was, where he was from. Though, the more I prodded at his history, the more agitated he became. I decided it was best to leave sleeping Diamond Dogs lie. We both later decided it would be best to sleep in tomorrow. Turns out he agrees on the best feeling ever. When you wake up before a long day, worried that you are late, then turn and find out you can keep sleeping for an hour. *aaah. yes.***

But I digress.

Even while writing this in my diary, listening now, I can hear him mumbling in his sleep across the hall...

Who in the hay is Chrissy?...

Chapter 5 - A Conversation Over Breakfast

His mind a blur, Joseph stared up at the illuminated roof of his bed; clutching at his quilts ever so tightly.

He should not be this cold. He also should not be sweating, and panting from some unknown fear.

Only the modicum of his dream remained in memory; brief flashes of clarity, followed by a foggy mist that continued until the next flash.

Joseph wrestled his limbs up from his quilt, slapped his face, and clawed the sleep out of his eyes.

‘There was... I was. I was home! But...’ A dark shadow slithered over his mind’s eye.

‘A snake? A shadow of a snake? Chrissy was there, she was alright. Or was she angry?’

As he tried to concentrate on his dream, a crack of pain shot through his brain, and he was startled into a sitting position as he clutched at his head.

“Gaahhh...”

‘What in the hell was all that pain about?’ He drew his hands down across his face.  ‘Wait...’

He stopped, suddenly aware of a warm, slightly flaky substance on his upper lip. He drew his fingers up to look at them, and saw- ‘Dried blood? I had a nosebleed last night? Oh shit...’

Sure enough, as he turned around, he saw two red spots on the cream pillow where his cheeks were laid. The act of turning popped a few vertebrae in his back; and pushing against his legs and the bed, he rotated his upper torso to pop the rest of his back. All bones were accounted for with a sickening crack one each.

‘Oooh that felt better than usual... Voyance is probably going to kick me out for wrecking her pillowcase though...’ Joseph grimaced. The sheets in her guest room were rather nice, looking at them in the day-time. In fact, the room seemed much more alive in the daylight, as opposed to nighttime.

Looking past his bundle of covers, past the deep, red wood of his floorboard and posts,  the room seemed to glow, and seemed just as large as before.

A warm orange was painted over the walls, which on his left framed a tall mahogany armoire, surrounded by different shelves beneath multiple paintings of scenery, along with a few framed scrolls. Directly across from him stood a large dark doorway leading out into the hallway.  On either side sat two floor lamps shaded in silk, and on the right sat a map of the world of Equus. Nice it was that he had a picture of his new home- ‘NOT THINKING OF THAT RIGHT NOW.’

On his right a curved wall encompassed the rest of the room, winding back to form the wall behind him. A large octagonal window rested above a large dark wood desk, (covered with his 'check outs’ and his clothes he noticed) and bookcases covered the rest of the wall, stopping a meter short, giving room for a bedside table, on which sat a small lamp sporting the same shade as the other two.

In the center of the wooden floor sat a large floor rug designed in the shape of a quarter circle, sewn with deep earthen colors, while tongues of red and orange seemed to burn beautiful patterns into the carpet.

The walls were crowned in gold, and a golden chandelier hung above the room, unlit, as the solar fires of mid-afternoon poured through the one window.

Looking back at where he dropped his clothes last night, ‘All the way across the room... Awww...’ He attempted to move out of the bed and stand up.

No response.

Looking down, he pulled off his blankets, looking at where his feet were hiding earlier.  He now COMMANDED them to move. To which, he received the lethargic response of his feet tossing themselves off the side of the bed. To be honest, they looked less useful than a paraplegic octopus in their current state.

Joseph let out a long sigh, saying “Okay... So I’m not completely awake yet. Great.”

After a few minutes leaning over the side of the bed, panting for some strange reason, he managed to get up into a wobbly stand.

‘Okay, Joseph. Baby steps now.’

He began his slow march towards the desk with his things on top. Why was it taking so long to get up? Why was he fatigued all the time?

Joseph began to think on this.

He rationalized, ‘Since I may be the only one from my world that has taken on the essence of another being, not to mention, practically a half-GOD, this might be expected. Who knows?’

He narrowed his eyes as he reached the chair which had his clothes laid upon it.

‘One thing for certain, my body had better start adapting to this. This crap could get REAL old.’

Joseph picked up his hoodie and shirt, and tentatively smelt them.

Clean.

‘Smells better than clean, in fact!’

‘What the hell...’ He spent all day yesterday, crawling over a mountain and running around a library like a child in a candy shop! How... I- ‘How does it do that?’

“O~kay then...”

Pulling the clothes over him, buckling his ebony jeans on, he felt the sun from the window on his face for a moment more; before reaching down to put on his shoes.

Which had a hole in the bottom of one of them.

‘Shit. Must of happened when I was shoved through the portal.’

The bottom of the right shoe had a scorched hole the size of a quarter.

‘Hope a cobbler around here is up for a challenge...' The shoes were better than nothing however, and he attached the remaining clothing. Only one thing left to decide.

Breakfast...

Or magic books!

Breakfast...

Or- His rumbling stomach decided for him.

He started to head out into the hallway, before he felt the strangest sensation. He froze and turned around.

‘Where’s the staff?’

He looked around the bedroom, but sure enough, it was nowhere to be seen.

‘Perhaps I left it downstairs? Might as well check...’

He walked around the corner and down the hallway to the left. Paintings of country sides, awards and certificates of achievement dotted the light blue walls. He thought it curious that his room did not match the overall décor of the home. The passage way curved around to the right, ending up in a staircase that arrived in the foyer. As he neared the last step however, he heard a female voice coming from the living room that did NOT belong to Clair.

“No no no, these are not rubies, the cut is all wrong. I cannot say what they are, but they are definitely magical in nature. Although... The aural reading off of it is nothing that I have ever felt... You said the human just arrived with it out of the blue?”

“Yes, Mrs. Sparkle... And his name is Mr. Harper... He seemed-” Joseph paused and tuned Clair out, weren’t the Sparkles... They were in charge of the royal library? The one that he arrived at...

His mind flashed back to when they were exiting the library.

‘She left a note on the counter, allegedly for the books... That way, she could alert the castle staff to my presence without me knowing! Seems she’s much more clever than I thought...’ He had to prevent a chuckle from escaping his lips.

Wait, red jewels, ‘an object that I appeared with... Are they looking at the staff?’

He moved up to the corner to listen in on the conversation better. A man was-I- a stallion, was now speaking.

“Well then, this must be his relic!”

Clair spoke up, “Relic? What?”

The stallion chuckled. “There was a case study on humans in the Canterlot Times a few days ago... All of the humans here arrived with a certain relic that enhances their abilities, or grants them powers. Some of them grant them magical armor or clothing, others simply strengthen their powers over time. Judging by what you told us, I am willing to wager that this... Golden cobra, is the latter!”

Mrs. Sparkle spoke once more, “Oh dear... The snake is such a terrible symbol anyway... Are you suggesting that this staff would make him a possible threat?”

‘Great, another dicey situation to defuse.’

Clair spoke up at this, “No! He was so nice the other day, if a little overzealous, we can’t just assume-” She suddenly went quiet. A much older stallion now spoke.

“My dear Clair Voyance, we are not assuming, merely listing all the possibilities that this mysterious situation now presents us. It would be foolish indeed to pass negative judgment on him after such a short while in our company. But it would be even greater folly to assume he poses no threat. As my Princess has hoof-picked you to join our ranks, I have faith in you to handle all this. But surely you must see the delicacy of this situation! A creature, a~h ah! Alright, a I-he. Has appeared on top of Canterlot, broken into the royal complex, and raided the national archive for magical secrets.”

‘OH CRAP. SHIT SHIT SHIT. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!?!’

-You weren’t thinking...-

‘I probably just breached national security of an alien nation! No not probably! Jesus H. Fu-’

He paused. There was that feeling. He heard a female voice that time. He knew it, if it was a bit quiet.

He shook his head of that harrowing sense, and got back to eavesdropping.

‘For now, I can only chalk it up to being a side effect of changing dimensions. I honestly can't worry about it now anyway...’

“... You are right Grand Magus Firelight... As always...” Clair was, giving up? Turning him in!?!

The older stallion chortled. “Voyance, to say always, is as dangerous as saying never!”

There was a pause. Then the elder spoke once more.

“He can claim ignorance.”

‘YES!’

“As it stands, what you have described are classic symptoms of shock. He probably didn’t know what he was doing, or his mind was such a mess that he failed to reason with his impulses.”

‘Ayyy now... Wait...’ This ‘Firelight’ deepened his voice, and was probably leaning in for dramatic effect.

“We do not know his true personality. He could be as playful, yet arrogant as you described, he could be analytical, he could be sadistic, perhaps even this golden serpent holds a clue to who he is when no one watches.”

Joseph blinked. Yeah, that staff was going to be a real problem.

“All we have to judge him by are the average personalities and characteristics of the other humans, which says a great deal on its own.”

‘Gezus... Were the other humans really that bad?’

The younger stallion interjected, “Grand Magus, if I may interrupt, the last human that arrived, the one that showed up in the sculpture garden, he was more of a gentle giant! Surely that must give some hope...”

“While reports of the other humans conflict, it seems that they are much more... Should I say, arrogant? Belligerent? We can wish that we lucked out, and that we have another human that adheres to the better part of their nature, but we must be on guard.”

Joseph actually liked this Grand Magus character. Calculating, but not cruel; perfectly neutral, and sticking to logic and facts.

Clair spoke once more. “I still vote we should give him a chance.”

Firelight answered, “As do I. It is the only fair way to proceed. What say you two?”

There was some faint shuffling, then the Grand Magus spoke once more. “Then it is unanimous. Once we speak with him, we can determine how we shall proceed. My dear Voyance, you said he was asleep in the guest room, yes?”

“Um, do you want me to wake him up sir?”

He chuckled, “No, no... He has had quite the day yesterday, hm? We shall let him rest for a little while longer...”

That was all Joseph needed to hear. He turned around the staircase, and moved back through the hallway towards the kitchen.

‘I can grab an apple from the fridge, act like I just woke up, then walk in on them in the living room. Perfect!'

He stopped in the entrance to the kitchen.

‘But, I’m trying to make a good impression here. If I start lying to them now, when would I stop... Hah! Then I suppose I would be like the snake they’re afraid I am, wouldn’t I?’

And Joseph did not want to be a snake. So he called out, his deeper voice slightly reverberating through the tiled room.

“Hey Clair! Do you mind if I grab an apple? Kinda hungry actually...”

He heard more shuffling from the living room, followed by Clair’s answer.

“Um, No! No thats alright! I uh, I actually got some groceries today, so if you want some chips, or some muffins or something, go ahead!”

“Thanks!” He turned towards the counter on the far side of the fridge. There was a box filled with...

‘Oh god yes, blueberry muffins! The gods of baked goods have smiled upon me this day!’

Joseph grabbed a muffin out of the box, guiltily leaving behind the rest of those poor, uneaten puffs of goodness. Before turning around, he remembered his nosebleed. He put down the muffin, turned toward the sink, and washed his face off. After scratching and wiping his lip, he turned off the water, dried his hands on his shirt, and picked up his muffin. Heading towards the living room, he decided to go with full honesty.

“I uh, hope none of you mind, but I woke up a few minutes ago, and I couldn’t help but overhear some of your conversation. Didn’t want to interrupt and all that.” He thought, and then added, “Plus I was a little curious as to what was going on.”

He walked into the large living room, seeing the crowd of ponies seated in a large oval.

On the black leather love seat sat a mare and a stallion, both unicorns. The stallion was blue, with a darker blue flowing mane, yellow eyes, and a cutie mark consisting of two crescent moons. The mare was a pale white, sapphire eyes, had a finely cut mane alternating lavender and white stripes, and a cutie mark of three purple stars. ‘Perhaps those are the Sparkles?’

Nearby stood a pair of pegasus guards, both pure white, with golden armor. On their left, in a large deep blue seat facing the foyer, sat an old unicorn, with a black and gray, trimmed  angular beard and mane. The unicorn was a pastel golden color, and had Joseph’s staff laying on the coffee table in front of him. His cutie mark consisted of a sort of Ying-Yang constructed of blue and red flames. ‘Definitely the Grand Magus...’

Turned around and facing Joseph, was Clair, sitting in a plush light blue chair. All had cups of tea on saucers, with various crumpets and muffins sitting in front.

‘Damn. These ponies are eerily similar to humans, once you see enough of them.’ At any rate, now was the time to introduce himself.

Joseph bent into a light bow, saying, “As you all probably imagine, I am Joseph Harper, the... Unintentional guest in your beautiful city.”

The couple on the couch smiled at this, and introduced themselves. The stallion spoke first, “Hello there Mr. Harper, I am Mr. Crescent Sparkle, and this is my wife...”

“Mrs. Starlight Sparkle, a pleasure.” The wife finished the sentence.

‘Wow. Talk about in-sync...’

Mr. Sparkle coughed. “Ahem, I believe that it was in our establishment that you and Clair happened upon each other?”

‘Alright Joseph Anthony Harper, it is time for diplomacy... Um, how do?’

“I, yes, that would be correct. I apologize for intruding, but, waking up in a strange new world, I was frightened of meeting the inhabitants... Suppose I wanted to find out a bit more about this world before I go waltzing the streets...” He moved over and pulled a leather seat from the corner, carefully lifting it with one foot and hand so as to not scratch the floor.

“I think it is a well-known fact that I got rather... Carried away with my selection of books...”

Joseph noticed a shift in the guards at this last line. They seemed a little agitated... Were they the ones supposed to be guarding the wing for magical tomes? Or were they angry that he had snuck past their ‘impenetrable defenses?’ Firelight just seemed to study him.

Mrs. Sparkle beamed at this.

‘Huh?’ He sat down in the chair he pulled up.

“Well, we are well used to certain ponies perusing the library at odd hours, aren’t we honey?”

Mr. Sparkle chuckled, “Yes, yes. Tell me, why were you so interested in the magical wing, if you don’t mind that is.”

Joseph thought for a total of half a fraction of a sixteenth of a nanosecond.

“Because MAGIC!” He actually squeed. “I mean, my world doesn’t even have magic!” He quickly thought back to Jafar’s lecture...

“Well, at least not anymore. It only existed in fantasy tales, and games, and such! And now there’s a library right smack dab in the city, with rows upon rows upon aisles of BOOKS? BOOKS about MAGIC? How could I not want to read every single one of them? I love books! I love magic! When I saw that title above the door, it was like an early birthday!”

The Sparkles had burst out laughing at this, as well as Clair and Firelight had begun to chuckle.

“What?” Joseph stopped and looked around at the laughing ponies. ‘Holy shit, these ponies are creepy with their similarity to humanity...’

Mrs. Sparkle waved away a tear from her eye. “Oh, ho-ho no, it’s nothing. That little explanation struck us as exactly what of one of our children would say.”

Mr. Sparkle added, “Of course, she isn’t here in Canterlot right now... In fact she’s down in Ponyville...”

And just like that, the mood in the room darkened.

“Uh... If you don’t mind me asking, Ponyville is the village south of here, right?”

Clair nodded.

“It’s also the one currently covered by a giant fishbowl. Correct?”

The Grand Magus raised an eyebrow at him.

‘HOLY SHIT, THESE PONIES ARE EXPRESSIVE. And still creepy...’

“Well, I saw the ordeal happening from the mountainside.”

The Grand Magus spoke. “Indeed, I would not say a fishbowl. We have determined it to be a highly advanced forcefield, so much so that it has taken on a solid projection, rather than pure energy. The fact that a unicorn could manage to create it in a matter of seconds, is rather disconcerting at the least...”

Now he understood.

“Ah. So she could be in danger...”

Mr. Sparkle looked up. “No no, we’re sure she can handle herself. She has saved the world multiple times already. But we just worry about her sometimes...”

‘Saved the world? Wait, didn’t Clair mention that their daughter was an ‘Element of Harmony’ shortly before we went to bed? What was her position... Magic? Twiglit Spergle was it? No...’

“Twilight Sparkle?”

Everyo-Everypony’s eyes widened, excluding Clair.

Firelight narrowed his eyes. “How did you know of her?”

It was Clair who spoke up. “Actually I told Mr. Harper about Equestria a little last night. The Elements of Harmony came up a couple times...” She actually looked ashamed.

‘Did she get in trouble because she told me too much?’

Joseph focused on unwrapping his muffin.

“Yes, she told me about your daughter. Element of Magic and all that. I must say, you must be extremely proud of her!”

The Sparkles seemed a bit more at ease because of that comment. Mrs. Sparkle levitated her cup of tea to her, and drew a small sip. ‘I am SO learning that! Assuming I can...’

“Defeating that Nightmare character, facing off with a God of Chaos... Quite the impressive résumé if you ask me.” He took a bite out of his muffin. His eyes widened.

And oh my god.

‘The nectar of the gods must’ve been used in the making of this perfect confectionery.’

‘No, gotta focus on the here and now.’

Joseph sat back in his chair, looking back at the Sparkles.

“Now, am I correct that she is, I believe it is, Princess Celestia’s protege?” He picked up the crumbly muffin, taking another bite. Words could not describe that muffin.

Mr. Sparkle puffed out his chest and drew his crumpet from his plate with magic. “Why yes indeed! You could imagine our surprise when we got the news from Celestia herself. Why, it seems not too long ago she was first trying to get into the Academy...”

Joseph gestured toward the couple with his muffin. “That is to say, Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, correct?”

Firelight chuckled over his cup of tea; setting it down, he said, “For a newcomer, you certainly like to keep informed!”

Joseph took a bite out of his muffin and made a modest shrug. “Finding myself on a random world, I should hope I learn about it quickly!”

Firelight leaned forward in his chair, “Yes. You said a random world just then. Pardon me for asking, but does that mean you had no choosing of the world you arrived in?”

Joseph looked at him. ‘It is honestly unsettling how intelligent they are. Guess that’s just because in my world, humans are the only sentient beings after all...’

“That would be correct. You know, I was pretty much just shoved into this world to be honest.”

“Shoved in, how, might I ask?”

He supposed he could answer Firelight’s question. It was only fair after all. “Actually by another human, who I shall say was... Compromised. That’s actually where the staff came from.” He took another bite of his muffin, half gone. “Sort of, a relic of his. No idea why he chose a snake of all things...”

‘Please accept that explanation, please oh please oh please...'

Firelight leaned back in his chair and gazed at the staff in front of him. Mr. Sparkle seemed rather proud of himself, while the Mrs. rolled her eyes. Clair... Clair still seemed nervous around him, never quite meeting his eye.

Silence prevailed over the room for a few, long moments. Then the Grand Magus spoke.

“Say, have you any plans for next week?”

Odd question. He couldn’t help but chuckle, considering the way he put it.

“Well, I don’t think I will have plans for quite a while; all things considered.”

Firelight let out a throaty, ‘hmm.’

“What say you to meeting royalty?”