Pascal's Scraps

Four years earlier

"Happy Valentines Day, Mistress."

Sidneysto leaned forward onto the foot of the bed with one hand, holding the other behind his back.

"I got you a present."

He produced a heart-shaped box of chocolates from behind his back with a flourish.

"And I have a present for you, my dutiful servant," Trixie replied, grinning mischievously as she lay back on the pillows.

"I think I'm going to enjoy it," Sid breathed, climbing onto the bed, and nuzzling Trixie's cheek.

The mare pushed him away with a chuckle.

"Sidneysto, if you think that giving me chocolates will increase your chances of getting laid by even one iota, then you are absolutely correct, but that isn't what I'm talking about."

Sid raised an eyebrow.

"You got me something?" he asked.

"Yes. I had one of the fools pick it up for me," Trixie replied, levitating a small, narrow, rectangular box into Sid's hands.

"Did you make him pay for it with his own money?"

"Of course!"

"You're evil, Trixie."

Trixie began digging into the box of chocolates, not taking her eyes off of Sid as he slowly peeled off the wrapping paper.

It was a pregnancy test. A positive pregnancy test.

"Aieeauuugh," Sid whimpered, not whether to feel jubilation or soul-crushing horror.

He settled for passing out.

***

"What are you doing, you fool?! You can't film The Great and Powerful Trixie like this! I'm all . . . bloated! "

Sidneysto chuckled, keeping his smartphone pointed at Trixie as she futilely tried to cover her massive belly.

"Oh, hush. When we're old and wizened, we'll wish we had more moments like this recorded. Besides, The Great and Powerful Trixie always looks gorgeous. Now, let's have a close up!"

"You'd better not put this up on that stupid website of yours," Trixie grumbled as Sid focussed in on her belly.

"Have you thought any good names yet?" Sid asked.

"I was thinking Hopeful Heart if it's a filly, and-Ouch!"

Trixie gasped and twitched suddenly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just a cramp," Trixie replied. "Anyway, Hopeful Heart if it's a filly, and Stunning if it's a colt," Trixie replied.

"What makes you so sure it'll be a pony?" Sid asked with a smirk. "It could be a human. What then?"

"Oh, I don't know," Trixie replied, waving her hoof dismissively. "Humans have such bizarre names. They don't mean anything."

"Well, I thought Isaac if it's a boy, or Ruth if it's a girl," Sid offered.

"Hmm. Isaac. Ruth."

Her belly stretched and descended horribly before Sid's eyes, until finally it ripped open with a spray of blood.

A slimy, deformed, elongated head with glowing, red eyes and a maw full of crooked, black teeth forced it's way out of the hole in Trixie's abdomen, followed by two clawed hands.

The creature twisted it's head around, taking in the sight of the world for the first time before it leaned down and bit into Trixie's flesh.

With a yell of horrified fury, Sid scrambled forward and grabbed it around the neck, choking it with all his might has he pulled. It came free of Trixie's body with ease. The creature scrabbled clumsily at Sid's fingers with it's sharp claws, and he let out a cry of pain, flinging it against the wall. It hit the wall with a crack, and let out a horrible, gurgling shriek as it tumbled to the ground.

"Sidney…" Trixie called weakly from the bed. She lay motionless, soaked in her own blood.

"Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh shit!" Sid babbled, wringing his hands as panic crowded out his thoughts.

No. Be calm. Think. Stop the bleeding. The first aid kit in the bathroom.

Oh shit. What was the procedure for lacerations again?

"Sidney . . . where's Isaac?" Trixie moaned softly.

"I-it's gonna be ok! Everything's gonna be fine!" Sid stammered, his hands shaking. "I'll get you to a fuckin' . . . a hospital or a vet or something!"

Sid jumped as the little monster made another shriek. It was still alive.

A burning rage began building in Sidneysto's gut.

The little creature had neither the bright curiosity of a human, nor the heart-melting beauty of a pony. It was ugly and foul, all knotted muscle and sharp bone, something that had no right to exist, and it had hurt his lover. His lover!

With a growl, Sid strode over to it and brought his bare heel down on it's knee as it tried feebly to crawl away. It screamed in agony as it's leg snapped. Sid grabbed it around the neck and lifted it up, carrying it roughly into the kitchen.

Without bothering to take out the dirty dishes, he began filling the kitchen sink with water.

"Happy fucking birthday, you little shit!" he snarled, plunging the creature's head into the filthy water.

It struggled and writhed, but it was far too weak from its injuries to put up even a token resistance.

"Isaac? Isaac?!" Trixie called from the hall.

"It's ok, Trixie. I'm taking care of it," Sidneysto said grimly.

"YOU LEAVE MY BABY ALONE, YOU MONSTER!"

A bolt of concussive force struck Sidneysto in the back, knocking him into the counter. He lost his grip on the creature, and fell onto the linoleum tiles with a painful thud.

"Isaac. Oh, Isaac. What did he do to you?" Trixie wailed, levitating the screaming, thrashing monster into her forelegs and clutching it tightly to her chest. "You broke his bones! How could you?! How could you do this to our son?!"

"Our son?!" Sid exclaimed incredulously. "That thing isn't a baby! It's an abomination! It's dangerous! It nearly killed you, for fuck's sake! We have to kill it now, before it can fight back!"

"Isaac didn't know any better! It's not his fault!" Trixie screamed "You humans are all alike! You always try to solve your problems by killing whatever you don't like! Maybe I should kill you!"

"Trixie, listen to me!" Sid pleaded, rising to his knees. "You're not thinking clearly."

Trixie's face contorted into a grimace of pure hatred as she stared him down.

"If you ever come near my son again, I will end your life, Sidneysto," Trixie growled.

"Trixie, wait!" Sid yelled desperately.

Space around Trixie folded with a snap, and she was gone.

***

"Ah, there she is."

Sid parked the SUV across the street for a extremely fat black woman in a tiger-print spandex two piece.

"Who's that?" Mac asked as they stepped out of the vehicle.

"Just follow me. You'll see," Sid replied.

"Laquiesha Jackson?" Sid asked as he approached.

"It's fiddy dollas fo' a fuck, and sixty if you want to go in my asshole," the woman grunted.

"Actually, we want to see the back room," Sid replied.

He grabbed his crotch and shook it three times while waving his left hand around his head with the middle finger extended.

Mac's jaw dropped in incredulity, but the fat woman's eyes went wide.

"Come this way," she ordered, turning and walking deeper into the alley.

They came to an unmarked metal door in the side of a decrepit looking housing project.

"Who the hell you is, and how you know the secret gesture?" Laquiesha demanded.

"I'm Sethisto, and this is my friend Mac the Macrophone. We're bronies. Zecora pointed me your way when I mentioned that I was having a bit of a . . . um . . . monster problem," Sid replied.

Laquiesha slapped her hand to her forehead.

"I keep tellin' dat bitch not to fuck around with you niggas! Damn! Bronies ain't nothing but trouble. Fuck off!"

Sidneysto pulled a fifty dollar bill out of his coat, and Laquiesha let out a frustrated grunt.

"Fuck. Aight, fine. Whatchu niggas need?" she asked, swiping the money out of Sid's hand.

"We're looking for information on certain creature," Sid replied. "Here,"

Sid pulled out his smart-phone and began playing a video.

"Oh damn. You niggas is fuckin' with forces you don't comprehend," Laquiesha whispered.

"The fuck is that thing?!" Mac yelped.

"That there's a nephilim," Laquiesha answered. "You brung the two worlds together in a way they weren't never meant to be."

"Sid, can I talk to you for a moment?" said Mac, glaring furiously and his friend.

He grabbed Sid by the shoulder and dragged him back outside, slamming the door behind them.

"Sid, what the fuck?"

"Look-"

"What the fuck, Sid?!  You were keeping Trixie with you this whole time?! You fucked her?! Just what the fuck is our job again, Sid? I think it has something to do with THE EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE OF THOSE TWO THINGS!"

"She was miserable in Equestria!" Sid protested. "I was going to send her back, but she was just so unhappy. She was damn near suicidal! I didn't know what to do! I only meant to take her in for a little while to cheer her up, but then one thing kinda lead to another…" Sid trailed off.

"Wow. What a unique and original sentiment. I've never heard a Daddy say something like that before," Mac said sarcastically. "Oh, this is some fuck. This is some shit right here. You are so fucked, you know that? Your ass is going straight to the moon for this."

"Not if nobody finds out. I can fix this, I just need help. I wouldn't ask you for this if I thought there was any other way." Sid begged.

"No. No way," Mac said, folding his arms. "There is a monster running around and killing people. Shit has officially gotten real. The time for covering your ass is over."

"Mac, please! I'm begging you!"

"No! I'm not letting you talk me into doing any crazy shit! We need some serious backup!"

"Celestia's just gonna have us take care of it anyway! It's not like she and an army of peggasi are going to just descend from the heavens on a beam of sunlight right in front of a thousand eyewitnesses to curb stomp that thing."

Mac let out a growl of frustration and held his head in his hand.

"Alright, fine. But you owe me one hell of a favor for this."

They went inside sat back down at the table.

"Ok, so how do you kill a nephilim?" Sid asked.

Laquiesha's jaw dropped.

"Is you telling' me you didn't take one look at that little nigga and snap his neck? That ain't what supposed to come outa no goddamn My Little Pony!"

"It was kinda . . . complicated," Sid grunted.

Laquiesha let out an exasperated sigh.

"God damn bronies! Sheeit. If Adolf Hitler came crawlin' outa his grave, you'd give him a big hug, wouldn'tcha? Stupid-ass lovin' and tolerant muthafuckas. Damn!"

"Yeah, sure. I loved and tolerated it. Can you help us or not?!" Sid demanded.

"Aww, hell nah! If one of them niggas is on the loose, then I'm gettin' me the fuck outa here. Ain't no nigga no match fo' no nephilim, I tell you whut! Sheeit. You go kill it yo' own damn selves if you think you can fuck with a nephilim."

"Do you have any advice on how to kill it?"

"You got a magic sword?" asked Laquiesha.

"Nope," Sid replied.

"How 'bout a grenade launcher?"

"Just handguns."

"We've got some silver bullets left over from when we had to bust Rarity out of Anthrocon," Mac offered.

"Well, kiss yo' cracka asses goodbye, then. Nephilim fuck shit up. Even the young ones. Damn! Ain't nobody can fuck with em. They stronger an' faster than anything you ever seen, and vicious! They tough as shit too. Fuck! Even most sorcery just bounces off they asses."

"Are they weak against anything?" Sid asked.

"Nuclear bombs, I guess. I don't fuckin' know. Perseus an' Odysseus an' Starswirl the Bearded an' King Arthur an' Lancelot an' all them Kniggas of the Round Table an' George Washington an' shit used to fuck with nephilim back in the day, but there ain't no niggas like them around nowadays. Sheeit. You best be callin' the cops an' tellin' em there's some crazy nigga on PCP. Let them niggas see if they can pop some caps in its asses, or some shit. Maybe that'll work. Probably won't. Fuck!"

"We'll pay you."

"No."

"A thousand dollars."

"Go fuck yo'self!"

"Two thousand dollars."

"Kiss my black ass!"

Sid fished through his pockets.

"Two thousand, twenty-eight dollars and . . . um . . . thirty-five cents?"

Laquiesha paused.

"That all you niggas got?"

Sid nodded sadly.

Laquiesha slumped her massive bulk back in her chair with a heavy sigh.

"Fuck it. I got me a little nigga what needs to go to college. Aight, fine. But not if it's just us three. We need us an adventurin' party an' shit. Sheeit. If you can get yo'self some mo' niggas to come along, then we'll talk."