Pascal's Scraps

by Pascal

Rating: everyone
Tags:
Length: 4248

Pascal's various unfinished ideas

Pascal's various unfinished ideas

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-03 12:10:19 UTC

Hivestuck

"Nah, changelings aren't bugs," Lyra said. "They're Fae. The queen is a political figure."

"So, they're not going to rape us and… and fill us with their eggs?" Rarity asked hopefully.

"No, they're still going to rape us," Lyra answered.  "Instead of sperm, changelings generate parasitic larvae in their genitals. They cum in your mouth, and they larvae burrow into your stomach lining and grow until your belly bursts open, then they eat your body. They go for the brain last, so you'll feel every agonizing instant of it."

Rarity's jaw dropped, but Derpy spoke up angrily.

"You're just making that up! That's not how it works at all!"

Rarity breathed a sigh of relief, but Derpy continued.

"Changelings reproduce by impregnating mammals. Their cum is really a serum of hormones and stem cells that turns you into a hermaphrodite and converts your digestive tract into a second uterus that generates its own sperm. One you swallow their cum, you're doomed to birth, shit, and vomit larvae until you starve to death."

Scoota2Chapter

Four years earlier

"Happy Valentines Day, Mistress."

Sidneysto leaned forward onto the foot of the bed with one hand, holding the other behind his back.

"I got you a present."

He produced a heart-shaped box of chocolates from behind his back with a flourish.

"And I have a present for you, my dutiful servant," Trixie replied, grinning mischievously as she lay back on the pillows.

"I think I'm going to enjoy it," Sid breathed, climbing onto the bed, and nuzzling Trixie's cheek.

The mare pushed him away with a chuckle.

"Sidneysto, if you think that giving me chocolates will increase your chances of getting laid by even one iota, then you are absolutely correct, but that isn't what I'm talking about."

Sid raised an eyebrow.

"You got me something?" he asked.

"Yes. I had one of the fools pick it up for me," Trixie replied, levitating a small, narrow, rectangular box into Sid's hands.

"Did you make him pay for it with his own money?"

"Of course!"

"You're evil, Trixie."

Trixie began digging into the box of chocolates, not taking her eyes off of Sid as he slowly peeled off the wrapping paper.

It was a pregnancy test. A positive pregnancy test.

"Aieeauuugh," Sid whimpered, not whether to feel jubilation or soul-crushing horror.

He settled for passing out.

***

"What are you doing, you fool?! You can't film The Great and Powerful Trixie like this! I'm all . . . bloated! "

Sidneysto chuckled, keeping his smartphone pointed at Trixie as she futilely tried to cover her massive belly.

"Oh, hush. When we're old and wizened, we'll wish we had more moments like this recorded. Besides, The Great and Powerful Trixie always looks gorgeous. Now, let's have a close up!"

"You'd better not put this up on that stupid website of yours," Trixie grumbled as Sid focussed in on her belly.

"Have you thought any good names yet?" Sid asked.

"I was thinking Hopeful Heart if it's a filly, and-Ouch!"

Trixie gasped and twitched suddenly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just a cramp," Trixie replied. "Anyway, Hopeful Heart if it's a filly, and Stunning if it's a colt," Trixie replied.

"What makes you so sure it'll be a pony?" Sid asked with a smirk. "It could be a human. What then?"

"Oh, I don't know," Trixie replied, waving her hoof dismissively. "Humans have such bizarre names. They don't mean anything."

"Well, I thought Isaac if it's a boy, or Ruth if it's a girl," Sid offered.

"Hmm. Isaac. Ruth."

Her belly stretched and descended horribly before Sid's eyes, until finally it ripped open with a spray of blood.

A slimy, deformed, elongated head with glowing, red eyes and a maw full of crooked, black teeth forced it's way out of the hole in Trixie's abdomen, followed by two clawed hands.

The creature twisted it's head around, taking in the sight of the world for the first time before it leaned down and bit into Trixie's flesh.

With a yell of horrified fury, Sid scrambled forward and grabbed it around the neck, choking it with all his might has he pulled. It came free of Trixie's body with ease. The creature scrabbled clumsily at Sid's fingers with it's sharp claws, and he let out a cry of pain, flinging it against the wall. It hit the wall with a crack, and let out a horrible, gurgling shriek as it tumbled to the ground.

"Sidney…" Trixie called weakly from the bed. She lay motionless, soaked in her own blood.

"Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh shit!" Sid babbled, wringing his hands as panic crowded out his thoughts.

No. Be calm. Think. Stop the bleeding. The first aid kit in the bathroom.

Oh shit. What was the procedure for lacerations again?

"Sidney . . . where's Isaac?" Trixie moaned softly.

"I-it's gonna be ok! Everything's gonna be fine!" Sid stammered, his hands shaking. "I'll get you to a fuckin' . . . a hospital or a vet or something!"

Sid jumped as the little monster made another shriek. It was still alive.

A burning rage began building in Sidneysto's gut.

The little creature had neither the bright curiosity of a human, nor the heart-melting beauty of a pony. It was ugly and foul, all knotted muscle and sharp bone, something that had no right to exist, and it had hurt his lover. His lover!

With a growl, Sid strode over to it and brought his bare heel down on it's knee as it tried feebly to crawl away. It screamed in agony as it's leg snapped. Sid grabbed it around the neck and lifted it up, carrying it roughly into the kitchen.

Without bothering to take out the dirty dishes, he began filling the kitchen sink with water.

"Happy fucking birthday, you little shit!" he snarled, plunging the creature's head into the filthy water.

It struggled and writhed, but it was far too weak from its injuries to put up even a token resistance.

"Isaac? Isaac?!" Trixie called from the hall.

"It's ok, Trixie. I'm taking care of it," Sidneysto said grimly.

"YOU LEAVE MY BABY ALONE, YOU MONSTER!"

A bolt of concussive force struck Sidneysto in the back, knocking him into the counter. He lost his grip on the creature, and fell onto the linoleum tiles with a painful thud.

"Isaac. Oh, Isaac. What did he do to you?" Trixie wailed, levitating the screaming, thrashing monster into her forelegs and clutching it tightly to her chest. "You broke his bones! How could you?! How could you do this to our son?!"

"Our son?!" Sid exclaimed incredulously. "That thing isn't a baby! It's an abomination! It's dangerous! It nearly killed you, for fuck's sake! We have to kill it now, before it can fight back!"

"Isaac didn't know any better! It's not his fault!" Trixie screamed "You humans are all alike! You always try to solve your problems by killing whatever you don't like! Maybe I should kill you!"

"Trixie, listen to me!" Sid pleaded, rising to his knees. "You're not thinking clearly."

Trixie's face contorted into a grimace of pure hatred as she stared him down.

"If you ever come near my son again, I will end your life, Sidneysto," Trixie growled.

"Trixie, wait!" Sid yelled desperately.

Space around Trixie folded with a snap, and she was gone.

***

"Ah, there she is."

Sid parked the SUV across the street for a extremely fat black woman in a tiger-print spandex two piece.

"Who's that?" Mac asked as they stepped out of the vehicle.

"Just follow me. You'll see," Sid replied.

"Laquiesha Jackson?" Sid asked as he approached.

"It's fiddy dollas fo' a fuck, and sixty if you want to go in my asshole," the woman grunted.

"Actually, we want to see the back room," Sid replied.

He grabbed his crotch and shook it three times while waving his left hand around his head with the middle finger extended.

Mac's jaw dropped in incredulity, but the fat woman's eyes went wide.

"Come this way," she ordered, turning and walking deeper into the alley.

They came to an unmarked metal door in the side of a decrepit looking housing project.

"Who the hell you is, and how you know the secret gesture?" Laquiesha demanded.

"I'm Sethisto, and this is my friend Mac the Macrophone. We're bronies. Zecora pointed me your way when I mentioned that I was having a bit of a . . . um . . . monster problem," Sid replied.

Laquiesha slapped her hand to her forehead.

"I keep tellin' dat bitch not to fuck around with you niggas! Damn! Bronies ain't nothing but trouble. Fuck off!"

Sidneysto pulled a fifty dollar bill out of his coat, and Laquiesha let out a frustrated grunt.

"Fuck. Aight, fine. Whatchu niggas need?" she asked, swiping the money out of Sid's hand.

"We're looking for information on certain creature," Sid replied. "Here,"

Sid pulled out his smart-phone and began playing a video.

"Oh damn. You niggas is fuckin' with forces you don't comprehend," Laquiesha whispered.

"The fuck is that thing?!" Mac yelped.

"That there's a nephilim," Laquiesha answered. "You brung the two worlds together in a way they weren't never meant to be."

"Sid, can I talk to you for a moment?" said Mac, glaring furiously and his friend.

He grabbed Sid by the shoulder and dragged him back outside, slamming the door behind them.

"Sid, what the fuck?"

"Look-"

"What the fuck, Sid?!  You were keeping Trixie with you this whole time?! You fucked her?! Just what the fuck is our job again, Sid? I think it has something to do with THE EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE OF THOSE TWO THINGS!"

"She was miserable in Equestria!" Sid protested. "I was going to send her back, but she was just so unhappy. She was damn near suicidal! I didn't know what to do! I only meant to take her in for a little while to cheer her up, but then one thing kinda lead to another…" Sid trailed off.

"Wow. What a unique and original sentiment. I've never heard a Daddy say something like that before," Mac said sarcastically. "Oh, this is some fuck. This is some shit right here. You are so fucked, you know that? Your ass is going straight to the moon for this."

"Not if nobody finds out. I can fix this, I just need help. I wouldn't ask you for this if I thought there was any other way." Sid begged.

"No. No way," Mac said, folding his arms. "There is a monster running around and killing people. Shit has officially gotten real. The time for covering your ass is over."

"Mac, please! I'm begging you!"

"No! I'm not letting you talk me into doing any crazy shit! We need some serious backup!"

"Celestia's just gonna have us take care of it anyway! It's not like she and an army of peggasi are going to just descend from the heavens on a beam of sunlight right in front of a thousand eyewitnesses to curb stomp that thing."

Mac let out a growl of frustration and held his head in his hand.

"Alright, fine. But you owe me one hell of a favor for this."

They went inside sat back down at the table.

"Ok, so how do you kill a nephilim?" Sid asked.

Laquiesha's jaw dropped.

"Is you telling' me you didn't take one look at that little nigga and snap his neck? That ain't what supposed to come outa no goddamn My Little Pony!"

"It was kinda . . . complicated," Sid grunted.

Laquiesha let out an exasperated sigh.

"God damn bronies! Sheeit. If Adolf Hitler came crawlin' outa his grave, you'd give him a big hug, wouldn'tcha? Stupid-ass lovin' and tolerant muthafuckas. Damn!"

"Yeah, sure. I loved and tolerated it. Can you help us or not?!" Sid demanded.

"Aww, hell nah! If one of them niggas is on the loose, then I'm gettin' me the fuck outa here. Ain't no nigga no match fo' no nephilim, I tell you whut! Sheeit. You go kill it yo' own damn selves if you think you can fuck with a nephilim."

"Do you have any advice on how to kill it?"

"You got a magic sword?" asked Laquiesha.

"Nope," Sid replied.

"How 'bout a grenade launcher?"

"Just handguns."

"We've got some silver bullets left over from when we had to bust Rarity out of Anthrocon," Mac offered.

"Well, kiss yo' cracka asses goodbye, then. Nephilim fuck shit up. Even the young ones. Damn! Ain't nobody can fuck with em. They stronger an' faster than anything you ever seen, and vicious! They tough as shit too. Fuck! Even most sorcery just bounces off they asses."

"Are they weak against anything?" Sid asked.

"Nuclear bombs, I guess. I don't fuckin' know. Perseus an' Odysseus an' Starswirl the Bearded an' King Arthur an' Lancelot an' all them Kniggas of the Round Table an' George Washington an' shit used to fuck with nephilim back in the day, but there ain't no niggas like them around nowadays. Sheeit. You best be callin' the cops an' tellin' em there's some crazy nigga on PCP. Let them niggas see if they can pop some caps in its asses, or some shit. Maybe that'll work. Probably won't. Fuck!"

"We'll pay you."

"No."

"A thousand dollars."

"Go fuck yo'self!"

"Two thousand dollars."

"Kiss my black ass!"

Sid fished through his pockets.

"Two thousand, twenty-eight dollars and . . . um . . . thirty-five cents?"

Laquiesha paused.

"That all you niggas got?"

Sid nodded sadly.

Laquiesha slumped her massive bulk back in her chair with a heavy sigh.

"Fuck it. I got me a little nigga what needs to go to college. Aight, fine. But not if it's just us three. We need us an adventurin' party an' shit. Sheeit. If you can get yo'self some mo' niggas to come along, then we'll talk."

Invisible First Draft

"It's the stress," Lyra said. "It's just stress, is all. Bon Bon and I just adopted the baby, and you know how it is. Or do you? It's stressful, anyway. She just needed some space. Maybe you can just give me some pills, or something, and I can smooth it all over."

"I would prefer that you think of me as you would any other medical professional. The brain is an organ like any other, and sometimes it requires treatment. Having a mental or emotional problem is no more shameful than a cut or a broken bone. I am not here to give you some kind to test. I am your doctor, and I wish to help you, but for me to do that, I need to make an accurate diagnosis, so please be honest with me, and don't just tell me what you think I want to hear, or what you think will get you out of here the fastest. I would like to you to tell this 'invisible monster' you've been seeing."

but that damn shrink had this irritating polite smile that never wavered.

"It all started when I was on my way to the store to pick up some more disposable diapers," Lyra said. "I ran into Fluttershy by the fountain, crying her eyes out. She was a mess. She said that there were hurt animals turning up all over town. As she was talking, Sweetie Belle came down the street followed by this hunchbacked thing. It was tall. It stood on two legs, and it had two arms with long, boney hands."

"

"It wasn't a human. Well, maybe it was deformed one, I don't know. But it was all bent and twisted, like . . . like a piece of paper that's been wadded up and unfolded again. It was lumpy, and it's limbs were all different sizes."

"What did you do when you saw the monster?" Slip asked.

"Nothing at first. Nobody else paid any attention to it. Sweetie wasn't frightened of it, so I thought it was the other two in a costume with stilts, or something. They're always doing crazy stuff like that. Anyway, Sweetie was running up to the ice cream truck, and this thing was limping along behind her. She bought an ice cream cone from the guy, and was about to take a lick, when the thing leaned over and swatted it out of her hoof. She starts crying, and the guy, bless his heart, gives her another one, no charge. She was so happy! But then the thing just knocked it out of her hoof again! Then the guy got angry, 'cause he thought she was doing it on purpose, and drove off. At no point during that whole exchange did either of them so much as glance at the monster.

It followed Sweetie Belle around for a while after that. That's what it did. It followed people and messed with them. It would take people's things and hide them, like keys, or it would steal money out of people's pockets and throw it in the trash, or leave sharp things where people would step on them.

It got worse  as the day went on. Sweetie was walking by Daisy's shop, and the thing threw a rock through the window. Daisy comes out and starts yelling at Sweetie, and then Rarity comes over. They argue for a while, then Rarity paid for the window and scolded Sweetie for lying, then took her home. Once again, nobody acknowledged the monster standing right in front of them.

"I don't mean to pass judgment," The doctor said. "But since you seem to have been upset by this, why did you not try to stop it?"

"Well… I mean, I did, but not right away." Lyra said.  "It wasn't actually hurting anyone at this point, so I just watched it and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. This thing was bullying Sweetie Belle and committing crimes in broad daylight, right in front of everyone, and nobody noticed. It like it was, well…"

"Invisible?"

"Yeah.  After that, it went after animals, and that's when it started getting really cruel. It kicked dogs and stepped on cats. It would wait by bird feeders, and grab birds that came by, and twist their wings. Never when it thought anyone was looking, and it never killed any of them. It just hurt them, and placed them where Fluttershy would find them.

"It had a squirrel. One hand clamped around the poor thing's body like a vise, and the other was pulling on one of the legs, like it was trying to rip it off. It started twisting, and…"

"I threw a rock at the monster and yelled 'Hey!'. It skittered back and dropped the squirrel, and then we just stood there starting at each other for awhile. I grabbed another rock, and the thing ran for the forest.

"And suddenly, it freezes, and looks right at me. We just stared at each other for a few minutes.

"I took the squirrel t knew I could see it."

"Did you tell Fluttershy about the monster?" The doctor asked.

"I tried, but… How the hell do you explain to someone that there is an invisible monster that only you can see? I mean, look at how well this is going. You just think I'm making all this up."

The doctor was silent for a long moment, chewing his lip.

"Why don't you take a break from your story for a moment, and allow me to tell one of my own?" he finally said.

Lyra sighed heavily.

"Who's paying for this session?" she asked.

"The payment is covered by the state, Lyra. You needn't worry about me wasting your time," Slip replied with a little chuckle.

Lyra slumped back into the couch.

"Fine. Whatever. Tell your story, then."

"When my wife and I first moved into our house here in Ponyville, about three years ago, she became convinced that there was a ghost in the house.

"So whenever

"So what's that supposed to mean?" Lyra asked. "You think animals have been having their legs broken by gusts of wind?"

"The point I am trying to make is that I do not think that your story is a lie. I believe you experienced something. What exactly you "

"It wasn't like that!" Lyra said. "The monster did thing that couldn't just be explained away like that!"

"After I scared it off, I didn't see it again for about a week. Then one night, after Tootsie was in bed and we were watching T.V., it just showed up at our house. It stood right in front of the T.V. and stared at me.

"I said 'Bon Bon, can you see that?' and pointed. She said "Yeah, I can't believe Vinyl Scratch hasn't been voted off by now. Her music is the most awful thing ever created by a sentient being, including the guillotine."

"It was standing in the living room, waiting for me to come home, holding a knife. It pointed at Tootsie's room, and wiggled the knife around.

"I went to the closet, grabbed my baseball bat, and I beat that thing's ugly ass with it!"

"It didn't stab or slash at me. It grabbed my hoof and tried to draw the blade along my wrist.

"So, you don't have any injuries from the fight?"

"Don't you get it?! It was trying to make it look like I'd committed suicide! That was it's plan! If it had just stabbed me, there would be an investigation. Someone would find it eventually. It did all of this stuff, the breaking the cups and threatening Tootsie; all of that was to make everyone think I was crazy! After that, all it had to do was kill me and make it look like a suicide, and then it could go back to tormenting everyone!"

"Lyra, please calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down!" Lyra shouted. "That monster could me murdering my family right now, but instead of hunting it down, I'm stuck wasting my time in here!

"Have you ever heard of Descartes' evil genius?"

"Yes. It's the idea that if there was a being of sufficient power that could alter your perceptions, a mad scientist with a machine that could make you hallucinate, for example, then you would be helpless. Without the use of your senses, you would have no way of telling reality from what he wanted you to see. You couldn't even tell if you were being fooled at all."2

The door to Dr. Slip's office opened.

Lyra whipped her head around and stared in horror.

"Doctor!"

"Ms. Heartstrings, please be calm."

"You saw the door! The door couldn't have just opened on its own! It's him, Doctor! He's right there!"

"Remember my haunted house story?"

"The door was latched! Even if there was a gust of wind, or whatever, it wouldn't just come open unless someone turned the handle!"

"The latch on that door has needed to be replaced for a while now. Sometimes it doesn't stick, even if you push it in all the way. You have to fiddle with it a bit to get it to latch. You were the last one to come in, and you didn't know about it. It's quite reasonable

"I can keep an eye on him."

"Doctor, he's right there at your desk. If you just reached behind you, you could touch him."

"Help! Security!"

"Take her away," The doctor said shakily, rising to his hooves. "There's nothing more I can do."

The guards pinned Lyra's forelegs behind her back and dragged her from the room.

"No!" Lyra yelled. "Touch him! He's right there! Touch him!"

***

Dr. Slip sat at his desk for a long time. He wondered if he could get the room cleaned up in time for the next client. Shattered glass and objects scattered haphazardly around the office didn't exactly create a soothing environment for the emotionally disturbed.

Equestria had a very progressive justice system. The emphasis was on treatment and rehabilitation, rather than punishment. It was believed all crime was due to some form of mental illness. Either from poor emotional control, imbalanced brain chemistry, or simply being set on the wrong path in life, lacking the necessary knowledge or skills to function in a civilized society. Making such people suffer as punishment for their crimes did society no good. The state did everything possible to rehabilitate criminals. After all, happy, productive citizens did a lot more for society than miserable prisoners sitting in cells and hemorrhaging tax dollars.

Unfortunately, there were always a few cases that simply couldn't be helped. Some ponies, for one reason or another, just didn't have what it took to participate in society. They needed to kept in secure facilities where they could be cared for without being a danger to themselves or others. Dr. Slip hoped that the professionals at Ponyville Asylum could help Ms. Heartstrings, but from what he'd seen in their short meeting, it didn't look good.

How could anyone function if they believed there was an invisible monster on he loose?

He rose slowly from he chair, and, standing on his hind legs, he began to feel around with his hooves. He moved in a slow circle around his office, groping blindly in the air. He felt around the couch, behind the plant, even under his desk, but there was nothing there. Nothing he could feel.