My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Mayor Mare, Original Character, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 148447

Mayor Mare tries to keep Ponyville running through each MLP:FiM episode.

Mayor Mare, newly-minted Mayor of Ponyville, has big dreams and big plans for her hometown. Now all she needs to do is to navigate the entrenched interests, bureaucratic resistance and political pitfalls that stand in her way. And to top things off, on her first day the Mayor finds out that Princess Celestia is sending her prize student over...

Overarching Themes:
Season 1: Land Reform
Season 2: Democracy
Season 3: Reconciliation

A series of stories, corresponding with every MLP episode (if all goes well), from the view of the bureaucrats at Town Hall. Will try and stay true to canon. (EDIT: With 2 semi-exceptions: 1) Cheerilee is Mayor Mare's daughter, and 2) Princess Celestia is much more uptight when negotiating with officials.)

Inspiration from daily life, the UK series 'Yes, Prime Minister', and to the 'Letters from a Disgruntled Friendship Student' fanfic series by milesprower06.

Published 2013-04-14 19:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-09 17:08:37 UTC

S1E2: Friendship is Magic, Part 2

Season 1 Episode 2 - Friendship is Magic, Part 2

Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Eternal Night - Problems and Opportunities [ ]

A) Fuel Rationing [ ]

B) Security Breach [ ]

C) Crisis Management [ ]

2. Ms. Sparkle's Residency [ ]

3. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"Well, I guess that's what we need to focus on," Mayor Mare said glumly, tossing the piece of paper to one side and moving the candle away from it. She glanced out of the window again. Nope, still darkness. "Didn't you say that emergencies didn't happen much in Ponyville?

"Not until today, at least," Crimson Ribbon, cool as ever, replied. "and for that, you have my sincere congratulations."

The tan pony looked incredulously at him. "Wha- congratulations?!"

The graying stallion replied with an incredulous stare of his own. "You mean, you don't like crises?"

The tan pony tried to respond, but sheer amazement had struck her dumb.

"Allow me to explain," Crimson Ribbon said helpfully. "we are part of the executive branch. We do all the things in Ponyville. Which means when there is trouble, people come to us. We get to play hero." He riffled through his documents. "Now of course, that's assuming you can do something about it."

"I - of course I can!" Mayor Mare sputtered. "It's only N-Nightmare Moon...and eternal night..."

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

"In light of what has happened, you will understand that we've got to get working right now," Mayor Mare said. "so just tell me your name and get on with it."

"Bittersweet Coin, but people just call me Bit," the earth pony replied, absent-mindedly fiddling with her chestnut mane.

Mayor Mare looked at her. Her Finance Secretary was scarcely older than Cheerilee herself. "You seem a bit young," the tan mare couldn't help but comment.

"Oh, you know, the Mayor Fields scandal. Previous guy snuffed it. And the next five after him. Ponyville Government isn't Manehattan, you know."

Mayor Mare slowly nodded in a state of semi-resignation.

"I do have a degree in Economic History from the University of Phoenixtown, if that helps."

Mayor Mare nodded again. "All right, let's hear what you have to say."

Bit Coin took out her phone and poked at it a few times. "Says here that we should check if we have enough stock to last through eternal night."

"So what stock would be relevant?"

"Well. Fuel, food, water. The typical," the chestnut pony shrugged.

"So do we have enough fuel, food and water to last- you know what, we'll just ration everything. Ms. Coin, do you have the statistics on fuel, food and water usage?"

"Sure do, Ma'am!" Bit Coin handed a piece of parchment over to her boss.

"Fuel usage...ten thousand barrels of oil a day...wait, that can't be right!" Mayor Mare said. "Ten thousand barrels? I don't recall taking any petroleum baths."

Bit Coin shrugged again. "Subsidy purposes, you know. High oil users get tax relief because of the industrial initiative. Of course, the ex-Mayor took most of it here."

Mayor Mare regarded the piece of paper again. "Hmm...I reckon if we discount the amounts from the non-existent 'Ponyville Fuel Refinery' and the 'Ponyville Highway Development Agency'...and whack off a zero from every stat, we'd get close to the right amounts."

Bit Coin leant over and regarded the piece of paper as well. "If I may suggest something, Ma'am, we only really need to worry about fuel, and we only really need to use the fuel for lighting and running the water pumps. We got a couple of mobile gaslamps around somewhere; could just tow them into the farms for artificial lighting."

"W..wow, Bit Coin, that was clever." Mayor Mare was impressed.

The Finance Secretary shrugged yet again. "I was in Agro. Anyway, the point is, not only do we need to restrict the fuel to the farmers, we also have to make sure the farmers grow the right things. High-yield crops: apples and potatoes, if I remember. Darn," she muttered as an aside. "apples and taters...that is tragic."

"Well," Mayor Mare sighed. "looks like the Apples will be gettin' a kick out of - oh. Oh!"

Bit Coin raised a curious eyebrow.

"Only the Apple family has the infrastructure for apple-growing, right? We'll need these other farmers to start the conversion process immediately - so I guess the Apples are just going to have to give up some land!" the Mayor clapped her hooves in glee. "I mean, for the good of the community. Obviously."

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

"We have a security breach." Delta Force, a muscular, raven-haired red stallion, took the cigarette out of his mouth and spewed toxin into Mayor Mare's face.

"Oh," coughed Mayor Mare, realizing that eternal night was preferable to her Security Chief. "Sure...right."

"Six ponies," the red stallion continued. "young. Dashed off into the Everfree."

"Well, we don't have the resources to chase down a couple of punks."

"Our weathermare, older-sis-Apple, and Ms. Sparkle are among them."

"We don't need a weathermare in eternal night, and I never promised to keep Ms. Sparkle from harm's way."

"No, no," Delta Force shook his head and conjured up another blast of tobacco smoke. "It's the Apple. Granny's a real pain in the flank."

Mayor Mare frowned. "You're not as tough as you look."

The red stallion exhaled into Mayor Mare's face again. "It's the PR. Darned horse basically gets the upper hand every time. We'll get so much flak, the Equestrian Army's gonna be using Town Hall for munitions training."

"Seriously." It was time for this useless ex-soldier to leave.

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"...and so, that's why I urge the people of Ponyville to remain calm. We have a good plan, we have a good team, we have a good spirit. This night will not last forever; the Princess herself will see to that, I guarantee it." Stirring stuff, if I may say so myself!

The weedy mare finished writing. She adjusted her glasses and sighed. "Mayor, I still get the feeling you're not doing all you can to save Ponyville from danger."

"Whatever do you mean?" Mayor Mare said, hoping it would be one of those easy questions she had only the shortest of time to prepare for.

"Well -" the reporter drew in the air with her quill. "why haven't you mobilized the militia and gone after Nightmare Moon?"

We have a militia...?! "Um...I doubt a militia would do much against the Queen of Eternal Night." the Mayor raised an eyebrow to accentuate her point.

"But six kids saw fit to go and fight Nightmare Moon by themselves."

Darn it! "Well...well, how do you know they were going to fight Nightmare Moon? Maybe they were just collecting firewood." Look into her eyes, look into her eyes!

It worked. "Well, I-..." the reporter struggled to find something meaningful to say. "Well anyway, that's irrelevant. You should still be seen doing something! Ponyville's in its worst crisis, and we don't see any action from our Mayor!"

The tan mare sighed. "I've told you already, we're drawing up plans and -"

"No, no, no!" the reporter exclaimed, nearly bursting a pimple with excitement. "That's not action! Ponyville wants to see their Mayor in front of the townsfolk, leading them on in one glorious charge for Equestria!"

Mayor Mare grimaced. "So, by 'inaction', you actually mean 'not leading troops into battle'."

The reporter nodded, wiping her glasses in the process.

"Even if action means the death of countless Ponyvillians."

The reporter nodded again.

"Are you even from Ponyv-"

The door burst open, two flustered security guards retreating before a vicious walking stick. "Sorry, Ma'am!" they said in unison.

A green, old, wrinkly corpse of a mare stormed into the room. "Now where's this darn Mayor!" she hollered.

Mayor Mare gulped and rose from the couch.

Granny Smith drove her stick into the tan pony's flank. "Where's Applejack!"

"M-Ma'am," Mayor Mare was taken unawares. "She's in the Everfree Forest..."

"The Everfree FOREST?!" the old mare roared, whacking the Mayor with her stick, making sure the reporter got a good shot. "Tell y'all wha', missy; you go back there and fetch my gran'daugh'er back THIS INSTANT!"

"Granny Smith!" Mayor Mare protested. "Ponyville needs all the help it can get now!"

"Consarned weasels," Granny Smith remarked to the reporter, who chuckled in response. "I know what y'all want me for! And y'all know this - no gran'daugh'er, NO APPLE TREES!" the green mare raised her walking stick in hellish indignation.

Darned Delta Force. "Granny Smith, please; you're placing the entire future of Ponyville - all its citizens - in jeopardy!"

"As ma' pap used to say," Granny Smith ranher stick through nearby a portrait of Fuji Apple, Sr. "we built Ponyville, we can DARNED WELL turn it into muush if we want'd to!"

Mayor Mare turned towards the reporter. "You see? She doesn't care about any of you!"

The reporter was writing pretty fast for such weedy hands. "Mayor-refuses-grandma's-last-request...have-we-elected-a-monster-and-a-coward?"

Beaten. The tan mare sighed. "All right, Granny Smith, we'll do it. Now, will you agree to give some land to the other farmers?"

"Fine," Granny Smith huffed haughtily. "Until this consarned night's over."

Mayor Mare felt a sharp pang of guilt as she secretly wished the darkness to last forever.

*

Somewhere in the Everfree

Mayor Mare regarded this ragtag bunch again. Old ponies, weak ponies, inexperienced ponies. This is what they call cannon fodder.

"I'm sorry," Crimson Ribbon said. "We need all the able ponies to start working the land as soon as possible."

"M-mayor?" Mr. Waddle raised his foreleg, accidentally burning through a layer forest canopy with his torch in the process. "How much longer?"

"Um..." Maybe we should just turn back. "why do you ask?"

"Needa wee."

"Oh. Guess we'll just stop here for a rest break, then."

Audible sighs were heard as the militia set down their rolling pins and construction helmets. Mayor Mare sat down on the ground and looked up at the canopy opening above her. Great, this is obviously going to be a one-way trip -

And suddenly, a ray of light filled the canopy. "Oh, my...light, light!" Mayor Mare, temporarily blinded, screamed at the top of her voice, as if nopony else had realized it. "Light! Light!"

"Fear not, Mayor!" boomed the voice of the Princess. "it is me, Princess Celestia."

Mayor Mare, her eyes still watering from the dazzle, stumbled into a bow.

"Loyal subjects of Ponyville!" Princess Celestia exclaimed. "I bring you the good news that Nightmare Moon has been defeated!"

The crowd responded in a cacophony of "Hurrays" and "Long Life to the Princess!".

"Six mares from Ponyville have vanquished the bane of our existence!"

"Hurray!" "Long life!"

"Three cheers for the brave six!"

"Hurray!"

"Three cheers for the Elements of Harmony!"

"Hurray!"

"Three cheers for Mayor Mare!"

"Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!"

Mayor Mare turned red with embarrassment. She blushed further as the Princess leant close to her. "Don't worry, I'll make sure the Express doesn't publish the article. Or those pictures."

*

Mane Street, Ponyville

"Well," Crimson Ribbon sidled up to the Mayor as the Victory Parade proceeded past the main pageant. "Happy ending. Told you crises were great."

"Didn't achieve my goal of whacking Granny good, though," the tan pony replied with a hint of moroseness. "And now that Applejack's some superstar, things are going to become much harder. I've done all this just to remain at the status quo."

"Well...not exactly," Crimson Ribbon mused.

"What do you mean?"

"You know that thing about the library?"

"Oh. The rezoning? There's no emergency now."

"Not quite. After all, Nightmare Moon was Princess Luna." the bureaucrat pointed out.

"Mm-hmm..." Mayor Mare said, faintly seeing where this was going.

"And it's obviously not unreasonable to expect Princess Luna to turn back into Nightmare Moon."

"Of course," Mayor Mare said.

"Very dangerous, Nightmare Moon." Crimson Ribbon cautioned.

"Very indeed."

"So the emergency rezoning must persist. For the good of Equestria." the Secretary of Administration concluded. "It's the only way."

"Of course. Just in case Celestia makes the same mistakes and turns Princess Luna back into Nightmare Moon, who then defeats Celestia, and then defeats the Elements of Harmony, and then decides to destroy all libraries." Mayor Mare smirked, giving another wave to the adulating populace.

"You never know. You never know."

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration - Crisis management happens to pretty much every city. But the newspaper section was inspired by how often partisan media outlets define 'action' in very narrow terms that satisfy their particular outlook.]

S1E3: The Ticket Master

Season 1 Episode 3 - The Ticket Master

The Hall of Reception, Canterlot

The Agenda

1. Get Back the Ticket! [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"Mayor," Princess Celestia spoke again, prompting the tan mare to slip the piece of paper back into her folder. "The Grand Galloping Gala is dull. I daresay I have done you a favor."

"With all respect, Your Highness, that's not the point!" Mayor Mare protested. "It's about the prestige and the networking and the knowledge of royal favor!"

The alicorn tried a different tack. "Tickets were also taken from the Mayor of Dodge Junction, Appaloosa, and Mustangon, and they have not yet complained, much less demanded an Audience for Redress."

"But they're tiny. Ponyville's the biggest out of the five!"

"Surely you can appreciate that the Gala requires the presence of the Mayors Canterlot, Fillydelphia, Manehattan and other such metropoles," The Defender of the Sun and Moon stressed. "And you can understand that a late expansion of the list would raise the specter of favoritism."

"But Ponyville needs to be represented!" the Mayor was intransigent.

Celestia put her hoof to her head in mock contemplation. "Mayor, I do apologize again. But I simply will have to deny your request. I do admit that it was a terrible idea to teach Twilight friendship lessons in such a way. I promise it will not occur again -"

"But we need it -" Mayor Mare began.

"- Mayor Mare," The Dominator of the Seas and the Mountain Lands cut the tan pony short, summoning a brown envelope out of thin air. "You will find that your room for maneuver is rather limited."

The Mayor opened the contents. Oh- oh my stars, I - There she was, being chastised, being beaten, being humiliated by Granny Smith...

The Co-Magistra of the Griffin Kingdom sipped her tea in satisfaction. "You know, that reporter was greatly aggrieved when her job review proved... sub-optimal."

Mayor Mare looked back at the Ruler of Equestria with some degree of trepidation.

"Under wraps," Princess Celestia patted the Mayor's head while taking back the envelope and its contents. "For the time being."

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"Ah, Mayor, but you should never have exposed yourself like that," Crimson Ribbon said unsympathetically. "First rule of politics."

The tan pony paced up and down the room. "I will go to the Gala!"

The Secretary for Administration shook his head. "Quite difficult, considering the circumstances."

The Mayor stopped and looked at him. "Surely you can help?"

The gray stallion shrugged. "I can't. It's a political matter."

"But this is about the constitutional independence of the Ponyville bureaucracy!" Mayor Mare assumed.

"That may be. But it's still a political matter."

The Mayor regarded her subordinate suspiciously. "Is this a political matter because there are no honors involved?"

Crimson Ribbon opened his mouth in fake shock. "I- , Mayor my intentions are always noble!" He immediately regretted his choice of words.

The Mayor raised an eyebrow and broke out in a smile. "Because, you know, I could do something that would annoy the Princess very much. Like crashing the Gala."

The bureaucrat's eyes widened as he realized that now he was the recipient of blackmail.

"I doubt, should such a situation occur, that the Princess would accept my recommendation for honors."

"Mayor, do we have to..." Crimson Ribbon approached her with a fake smile.

"You know, no KOSM this time, no POSM in your lifetime," Mayor Mare scratched her mane, seemingly lost in thought.

"I- " a deflated Crimson Ribbon backed out of the room. Mayor Mare had given him his orders.

*

The Gentlecolt's Club, Canterlot

"Say," Jet Set said, pouring out the bottle of San Fratello 979. "So nice to see you again. You attending the Oaton College Reunion next week?"

"Unfortunately no," Crimson Ribbon replied. "have some estate matters in East Phalia to handle."

"Regrettable," Jet Set reclined in his chair, slowly stirring his wine glass. "I was hoping we could get all the lads back together for some recreational polo."

"Regrettable," the bureaucrat assented.

The two sat in silence, sipping their wine glasses, taking in the 'clink' of champagne glasses, the guffaws of privileged laughter, and the aristocratic tones of "Jeeves, the cognac."

"So, why are we here?" Jet Set finally got down to business.

"Ah yes. Well, you see, I've heard your company's responsible for the building of the Trans-Equestria High-Speed Rail."

"Baltimare to Canterlot section, yes."

"Might I suggest," Crimson Ribbon smiled in anticipation. "that you reroute your rail line six miles to the south?"

"Crimson Ribbon!" Jet Set said patronizingly, shaking his head in mock admonishment. "That brings the line within Ponyville municipal boundaries."

"Really?" Crimson Ribbon responded, deliberately widening his eyes.

"The extra paperwork would be such a hassle," Jet Set mused. "And there's no point..."

"I see," the Secretary for Administration looked out of the window. "Well, you know, we've just received your tender for the construction of the Canterlot - Ponyville spur road. Very difficult to arrange - I mean, justify - your win, if you think our rules are such a hassle."

"But now that I think about it," Jet Set backpedaled. "Ponyville does seem more...um..." He would need time to think of a suitable reason. "Anyway. More wine?"

*

Finance Secretary's Office, Ponyville

"...so, you see, the rail line will cross Ponyville municipal boundaries on this, uh, fifty-meter stretch," Jet Set explained. "So we'll need permission to build there."

Bit Coin scrutinized the map again, trying to find that miniscule patch of land. "Why don't you just move the entire line up a hundred meters north, and avoid all this hassle."

"Aesthetic reasons," Jet Set responded. He guided Bit Coin's eyes towards the relevant patch of land.

"Darn, it's occupied." the chestnut mare murmured. "Freehold, too. We'd have to negotiate with the owner and prepare for legal proceedings in the Circuit." She looked up again. "You sure this is important?"

"Can't you just, you know, use...other methods?" Jet Set suggested.

"I'd prefer to stay near the law," Bit Coin responded.

"I see." The businesspony cleared his throat. "You know, as a member of the Corneighl University Trustee Board, I couldn't help but notice that your brother is applying there- "

"Fine, fine," the Finance Secretary interjected. "I'll get it sorted."

*

Delta Force's House, Ponyville

Delta Force stubbed out his cigarette into a nearby ashtray. "So you want me to go and 'evict' Mr. Whinnyfield on an invented charge."

"Dearie," Bit Coin said, slowly massaging the red stallion's back. "It's so easy to do in someone for tax evasion. The code's unreadable."

"He would sue," Delta Force said, murmuring with satisfaction. "It wouldn't look good on the Mayor. Even Celestia would run afoul of the EAT."

"Oh, darling," the chestnut pony pouted, now working on his shoulders. "I'm sure you can make him not do that."

"Come on now," the Security Chief responded. "I'm supposed to be the guardian of the law."

Bit Coin leant in and gave the stallion a little smooch. "The very best guardians of the law surely must know that sometimes, to defend the law, you have to break it..."

"Mm-hmm..." the Security Chief was too busy tasting the sultry mare's lips.

Bit Coin finally withdrew and gave the stallion's nose a little teasing peck. "Plus, I don't think Mrs. Force would be too happy if she knew what we've been doing."

*

The Hall of Reception, Canterlot

"Greetings, Mayor Mare. Please sit." the Princess Celestia gestured to a nearby couch. "Tea?"

"Just green is fine," the Mayor responded.

The Ruler of Equestria obliged and poured it out into the porcelain teacup. "Sugar?"

"You are too kind, Princess," Mayor Mare nodded.

The Elector of Akhal and of Teke put two teaspoonfuls in and began to stir. "I do tender in my profuse apologies," she said. "It was very...irresponsible of me to behave in such a way. I should have known better."

"I should be the one apologizing for all this inconvenience," the tan pony replied, following protocol.

"No, no," the Grand Duchess of all the Appaloosas handed the teacup over to Mayor Mare. "you are too humble."

"You are too kind," Mayor Mare savored the exquisite texture of the tea.

The Lady over the Canterlot March watched as Mayor Mare finished her tea. "Another one?"

"Thank you, Your Highness," the Mayor replied.

The Archtreasurer of the Manehattan Commune poured the tea out again. "In any case, let's get to brass tacks, Mayor Mare. Is there anything that you require of me?"

"Well..." Mayor Mare began. "I wouldn't like to impose..."

"No no no," the Supreme Head of the Equestrian Council shook her head. "The pleasure's all mine."

"Well...in that case, I'd like a guarantee of Crimson Ribbon's KOSM."

The Grand Marshal of the Equestrian Forces gave her silent assent.

"I'd also like all my...records with Granny Smith back. Copies and originals."

Three brown envelopes were magically conjured next to Mayor Mare. "Done."

"Also, I'd like an increase in the our share of the Emergency Subsidy."

"I'll add a special provision for Ponyville in the ESA."

"Don't push your luck!" Crimson Ribbon cautioned. "Thank you very much, Princess Celestia."

"Don't mention it," the Regent of the Ponies responded, levitating over another finely-brewed cup to the Mayor. "Now, I believe both sides are now satisfied?"

"Indeed we are!" the Mayor said happily.

"So you will, now, cease all mandatory cavity searches on your sector of the High-Speed Rail?"

"I believe we may have...overestimated the threat of overseas smuggling into Ponyville," Mayor Mare. "After all, we are situated in the center of Equestria."

The tan mare heard an audible sigh of relief.

"Oh, I almost forgot. One more thing," the Princess mentioned.

"Your Highness?"

"The Grand Galloping Gala. I'll transfer Ms. Sparkle's ticket over to you. How does that sound?"

Mayor Mare wasn't falling for this desperate comeback. By Equestria, you're not making her my enemy! "Thank you, your Highness. But I thought about what you said previously, and I couldn't help but agree. The Grand Galloping Gala does seem quite boring..."

Author's Note

New Abbreviations:
POSM: Paladin of the Order of the Sun and Moon (POSM>KOSM>SOSM). A title bestowed by the Equestrian ruler.
Circuit: Circuit Court of Equestria.
EAT: Equestrian Agency for Tax.
ESA: Emergency Subsidies Act. Enacted after the return of Nightmare Moon.

(Thanks to garfan for pointing out plot hole: why couldn't Princess Celestia simply extend the list? - 15/4/2013)

[Particular inspiration: 1) Blackmail is a fairly common occurrence everywhere (taking different forms), the most famous being the usage of 'Kompromat' in ex-Soviet states.]

S1E4: Applebuck Season

Season 1 Episode 4 - Applebuck Season

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Dealing with the Aftermath of the Disasters [ ]

A) Who Is Responsible? [ ]

B) Punishment [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"Four hundred thousand bits," Bit Coin said. "That's preliminary cost."

The tan mare looked up from her piece of paper. "Four hundred thousand bits?"

The Finance Secretary shrugged indifferently. "A fifth of the town was in Medical. What did you expect?"

"We tried to call Rabbit Fumigation, but Ranger Fluttershy wouldn't let us," Delta Force said. "Had to pay extra to have Rabbit Capture take them back."

"Not to mention the indirect costs of illness and having no weathermare," Bit Coin remarked.

"Right...what do you mean, we have no weathermare?" the tan pony asked. "Last time I saw, Ms. Dash was flying."

"Yes, but that's non-strenuous flying, flying for recreation," Crimson Ribbon said, still slightly green from the previous night's ordeal. "Ms. Dash claimed that she couldn't do any strenuous flying, like flying for work."

Mayor Mare sighed. "Right," she said, glancing again at her agenda. "Let's just find the horse who was responsible for this and make her pay. Delta Force, what do you have?"

Delta Force cleared his throat. "Well, we've asked around. It seems that all the disasters - Ms. Dash's injury, the cupcakes, the rabbit stampede - that was all the work of Ms. Applejack."

"Applejack!?" Mayor Mare said. "But she just saved the town from a cattle stampede a week ago! I even gave her that prize!" And wasn't that just a whole week of unabashed fakery.

"I don't think the laws of causation work like that," the Secretary of Administration remarked sarcastically.

"But then, come to think of it, she did look quite out of it when...oh, hey!" the tan pony's ears perked up. "Oh. Hey!"

The other three members of Mayor Mare's cabinet turned their heads towards her.

"If Ms. Applejack's the culprit, then we could charge her, couldn't we?"

"Of course," Crimson Ribbon said.

"Then we could seek damages, couldn't we?"

"Sure," Bit Coin said.

"So we'll make her pay all costs!" Mayor Mare said gleefully. "Problem solved!"

"I doubt the Apples have that much money," the Finance Secretary cautioned. "You'll bankrupt them."

"Even better!" Mayor Mare clapped her hooves.

Bit Coin turned to Crimson Ribbon, raising an inquisitive eyebrow.

"The Mayor believes that the Apple family are dangerous monopolists who are perverting the structure of the Ponyville economy for their own ends," the gray pony explained.

"Oh. Right. Well that's fine by me, I guess. Never liked the old coot much anyway."

"So there we go!" Mayor Mare smiled. "Delta Force, can you please give me a list of potential witnesses?"

*

Mane Street, Ponyville

"The problem is," Crimson Ribbon scanned the witness list as they walked down the street. "Most of these are second-hand. That won't hold any water with the Circuit. We need witnesses who actually saw the event."

"Alright," Mayor Mare said. "So, let's start with Ms. Dash. That should be easy," she said, regarding at the wooden tower erected right in the center of town.

"Ah." the Secretary of Administration gave a polite cough. "Apparently nopony else saw what happened between Ms. Applejack and Ms. Dash firsthand."

"What." It was market day. A circle of stalls surrounded the tower. Schoolfillies were playing on the see-saw. The square resonated with the sounds of buying and selling. "You're telling me nopony else saw Ms. Applejack injure our weathermare."

"Apparently not. She probably evacuated the whole place by citing 'Lightning Practice'," the bureaucrat said, unfazed. "it's legal," he added, anticipating Mayor Mare's concern.

The tan pony shook her head in resignation. They were in front of Sugarcube Corner. "Why can't anything in this town be easy?"

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

"Oh, w-we are so sorry, b-but we really didn't see Applejack b-bake anything," Mrs. Cake said, trembling like a leaf.

"But she was with Pinkie?" Mayor Mare asked. Mrs. Cake nodded in fear.

The Mayor turned to the Secretary of Administration. He shook his head. Not good enough.

"Oh, please, don't revoke our license!" Mrs. Cake suddenly burst out, grabbing the tan pony's legs and sobbing hysterically. "The shop's the only thing we have!"

"Please calm down, Mrs. Cake!" the Mayor reassured her. "We're not after you."

Mrs. Cake looked up, grateful tears welling up in her eyes. "Oh, thank you, thank you so much!"

"Now, can you bring in Ms. Pie?"

"Here I am!" the pink pony bounced into the room.

Mrs. Cake saw this as her cue to leave. "Thank you, thank you so much again!" She shot a dirty look at the party mare as she exited the room.

"Settle down, Ms. Pie," the tan mare gestured to a nearby chair. "Now, were you baking the cupcakes with Ms. Applejack?"

"Oh, yes!" Pinkie Pie said happily, before suddenly making an involuntary heave. "Eurgh! Thinking about them still makes me sick!"

"Did you see Ms. Applejack put in the ingredients?" Mayor Mare said, noting down Pinkie Pie's every word.

"Yes! Well, actually, I didn't. I was too busy looking at the cookbook. But still! It was only the two of us in that kitchen. So unless it was my great-grandma who did it, I guess it was Applejack!"

"Alright," Mayor Mare said. Good evidence. "Thank you, Ms. Pie!"

"No problem-o!" the pink pony turned and began to leave.

"We'll send you a letter when the trial starts!" Mayor Mare reminded her.

The pink mare stopped dead in her tracks. "Trial? What trial?" She looked back.

"Why, Ms. Applejack's trial, of course. You need to take the stand and repeat all of this to the court!"

"Ohhh!" Pinkie Pie finally realized what all this was about. Then she giggled. "Oh, Mayor, that's not really necessary!"

"Not necessary?" Mayor Mare looked back at Crimson Ribbon. He shrugged again. These bureaucrats sure like to shrug.

"I forgave Applejack already, Mayor!" the party pony continued in her upbeat voice. "It was only a little mistake, wasn't it? Anypony could have made that mistake!"

"Ms. Applejack's 'mistake' cost Mr. Ribbon all night in the washroom," Mayor Mare remarked.

"Well, I'm sure Mr. Ribbon here's such a nice guy, he'll be sure to forgive Applejack too!" Pinkie Pie said as she skipped happily out of the room.

Mayor Mare couldn't resist throwing her quill and parchment across the room in frustration.

*

Fluttershy's Cottage, Ponyville

"We could subpoena Ms. Pie," Mayor Mare said hopefully.

"The Princess Celestia personally grants all subpoenas. I doubt she would let you convict an Equestrian hero," Crimson Ribbon said. "Anyway, here we are. The house of Ranger Fluttershy."

Mayor Mare knocked on the door. It opened and a yellow pegasus peeked out. "Oh...it's the Mayor. Oh."

"Ranger Fluttershy, we'd just like to ask you a few questions," Mayor Mare said gently.

Silence.

Mayor Mare took this to mean assent. "So, did Applejack help you corral the rabbits?"

"Oh yes. We were trying to count how many families there were."

"So what did she do?"

"Well...she and Winona were running around, chasing all the bunnies into the pen. The bunnies got scared and ran towards Ponyville. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry about this..."

"It's not your fault, Ranger Fluttershy."

"Oh no! It is my fault, Mayor! I...I should have warned them about the bunnies beforehand..." Fluttershy whimpered. "I mean, I did warn them, but...I should have warned them more!"

Just great. "Fluttershy, you followed procedure."

"No, Mayor, it's all my fault!" Fluttershy rose her voice into semi-audible territory. "I should have known that Applejack would do this! I'm so sorry, Mayor, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to...I'm so...!" she abruptly shut the door in the Mayor's face. The tan pony could hear the yellow pegasus breaking out into tears of self-loathing.

Mayor Mare sighed. She turned to Crimson Ribbon. The stallion shook his head.

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

"Judges take a dim view of perceived mental and emotional instability in witnesses," the Secretary of Administration noted. "Plus it seems that Ranger Fluttershy is intent on being a witness against Ranger Fluttershy."

The tan mare sighed in annoyance. "Separation of powers is overrated."

A knock on the door put her out of her philosophizing. "Mayor Mare!" a slightly hoarse voiced called out. "It's Rainbow Dash!"

"Come in, Ms. Dash!" Mayor Mare said.

The doors opened and a cyan pegasus walked in, grimacing and clutching her left wing.

"Please sit down." Mayor Mare gestured opposite her. "This is Secretary of Administration Ribbon, Ms. Dash," the tan pony indicated to the left of her.

"Hi," Rainbow Dash responded.

"Let's get down to it. How did you get that injury?" Mayor Mare enquired.

"Oh, this?" Rainbow Dash moved her wing a few times, before remembering to wince. "Ow! Anyway, I was practicing my flying skills - you know, to move the clouds better - and I asked Applejack to help me out at the jump tower. She shot me into the air when I wasn't ready, and I crashed into Twilight's balcony. This hurts, you know," the pegasus rubbed her wing for emphasis.

"So, Applejack was responsible for your injury?"

"Yeah!" the pegasus stomped the floor in a huff. "And there I was, thinking that she was Ponyville's best athlete!"

"Good!" Mayor Mare had finished writing the notes. "Thanks a lot. I'll tell you when the trial date comes up."

Rainbow Dash was nonplussed. "Trial... date?"

"Yes, the trial date, Ms. Dash. You need to stand as witness." Not this again.

"A witness? But..." Rainbow Dash's eyes widened at the realization. "Hay! I'm not ratting on Applejack!"

"This is for justice." Crimson Ribbon calmly said.

"Justice, schumistice!" Rainbow Dash stomped the ground in indignation. "I represent the Element of Loyalty! You can't tell me to betray a good friend!"

"Ms. Dash -" Mayor Mare began, but Crimson Ribbon signaled for her to stop.

I can handle this, the gray stallion thought. "So, Ms. Dash, you feel that you are being loyal by standing up for your friends. Am I right?"

"Yeah!" the prismatic mare banged the table in agreement. "Friends stand up for each other!"

"Well, what about your loyalty to Ponyville and its citizens, then?" the bureaucrat pointed out.

"I...well...well, what about them?" Rainbow Dash said, puzzled.

"Your absence is costing Ponyville thousands of bits a day. Ponies need the right weather, Ms. Dash. If you're not going to drive the clouds away, at least let those poor, poor ponies gets some compensation for it- "

"I...uh..." Rainbow Dash stammered. "Uh...oh! I'm not a citizen of Ponyville, am I? I'm a citizen of Cloudsdale!"

"Oh sure," Crimson Ribbon said slickly. "Let's review your residency permit, then- "

"No no, don't !" Rainbow Dash panicked. "I...uh...oh, I know! Why don't you just ask Applejack?"

"Because she's so going to tell the truth," Mayor Mare responded.

The pegasus raised an eyebrow. "She's the Element of Honesty. I'm sure she'll tell you the truth. You won't even need to go to court to get it out of her."

Mayor Mare looked at Crimson Ribbon. He shrugged yet again.

*

Ponyville Park, Ponyville

The interview, of course, had to take place far away from Sweet Apple Acres. Mayor Mare still had nightmares about Granny Smith.

"I'm real sorry about everythin' that happened," the farm pony, sat on a bench, drawled. "I truly am. This has been all my fault. I thought I could buck all the trees by myself."

"Don't you employ a hundred ponies?" Mayor Mare asked.

"We keep our family's first ever plot for ourselves alone. Granny's always thinkin' them laborers might stage a revolution if they ever took charge of everythin'," the orange pony said with some amusement. "And my brother hurt himself."

"Uh-huh," Mayor Mare said, hungry with anticipation. "So, just to recap. You were responsible for Ms. Dash's injury?"

"Yes."

"You were responsible for the cupcakes disaster?"

"Yes," the farm pony said, taking off her Stetson in shame.

"And you were also responsible for the rabbit stampede."

"Yes. Oh, sheesh, I truly did it this time, huh?" Applejack looked at the ground.

"You really overestimated your capabilities," the tan pony remarked. Just a little taunt before judgment.

"I really did," Applejack said with undisguised remorse. "I really thought I could do everythin' by myself. I thought I could buck all that Apples on our plot before this season. But then, I had to corral those cows, launch Rainbow in to the air, bake cupcakes with Pinkie Pie, that awards ceremony, filling in them roads..."

"'Fill in them roads' - Wait, what!?" Mayor Mare said. "What?"

Applejack looked back up in surprise. "Filling in them roads. You know them cows create a lotta potholes. Gotta get that fixed before market."

"But...I sent an emergency crew to deal with that!" Mayor Mare exclaimed.

"Yeah you did, and it sure as sugar made my job that much easier," the farm pony chuckled. "But still, your crews were all concentrated on one end, so, I started on the other. Took a whole night, but I met them three-quarters of the way through! Oh...Mayor? Mayor? Is everythin' alright?"

"Ms. Applejack, can I just have a word with Mr. Ribbon here?" the tan mare said, shaking her head to and fro in her forehooves.

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

"Mayor, are you sure you're just going to let Ms. Applejack off with no penalty?" Bit Coin looked at her, expecting some sort of joke reveal.

"Oh, fine, let's just have a token charge that the Apples will accept. One thousand bits."

"I have to register my protest," the Finance Secretary said. "You've left me with a budget shortfall of three hundred and ninety-nine thousand bits!"

The tan mare sighed. "We'll do something about that later."

The chestnut pony tried again. "Are you sure that we can't just charge Applejack for the full sum? Or even half sum? Darn it, not even the quarter sum?

"Bit Coin," Mayor Mare was mentally spent. "The court of public opinion is not a legal court. Proof is pointless. So it's true that Applejack was doing our job, when we didn't ask for her help."

The tan pony continued as she poured herself a glass of gin. "But so what? Everybody's still going to blame us for driving her into physical and mental exhaustion. I can just see it now..." Mayor Mare began to gesture wildly. "'Mayor's Celebration: Did It Drive Applejack Over the Edge?'. Or 'Heartless Government Fines Model Citizen'. I'd prefer a different front page."

"You're thinking too much," Bit Coin attempted one last shot. "You just need to know that you are working in Ponyville's best interests."

Mayor Mare gulped down her drink. "You're not an elected official."

Author's Note

Subpoenas - forcing people to take the stand as witness under penalty. In our world, subpoenas are issued by the courts. But since Equestria is a somewhat utopian society, I assumed that subpoenas are quite uncommon and are therefore subject to a higher authority.

(Thanks to garfan for plot hole: Discrepancy between Chapter 1 and what goes on in this episode - 14/4/2013).

[Particular inspiration: Problems with getting people to stand as witness is a significant problem in Hong Kong, where the threat of retaliation is a big deterrent.]

S1E5: Griffon The Brush-Off

Season 1 Episode 5 - Griffon the Brush-Off

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Budget Shortfall [ ]

A) Spending Cuts [ ]

2. SPECIAL NOTE: VIP in West Phalia

3. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"First things first," Mayor Mare, setting down the piece of parchment. "This is unlikely to involve us, but just note this down: the Griffon Ambassador and his family are conducting a Grand Tour of Equestria. They will be in West Phalia for the next couple of days, looking at agriculture, industry, stuff like that. Not going to pass through Ponyville, but just a heads-up."

The other three members of her cabinet - Secretary of Administration Crimson Ribbon, Finance Secretary Bit Coin, and Security Chief Delta Force nodded in acknowledgement.

"Alright," the tan mare said, picking up the agenda again. "Let's start off with the first item."

A rustling of papers as Bit Coin opened her ledger. "So. Due to... unforeseen circumstances," she shot an annoyed glare at Mayor Mare, "expenses now outpace income by three hundred and ninety-nine thousand bits: one hundred and ninety-nine thousand due to immediate costs, and two hundred thousand due to anticipated lost revenue."

The chestnut mare let the numbers sink in. "So, yeah, not good. We'll be in debt to the tune of three hundred and ninety nine thousand."

"Three hundred... you mean, we have no reserves whatsoever?" Mayor Mare asked in astonishment.

"Not legally."

"What do you mean, not legally?"

The chestnut pony gave a wave of her hoof. "We have a vault in the basement. It's stocked to the brim with bits, gold, jewels, Equestrian bonds, stuff like that."

"Ah," Crimson Ribbon took it upon himself to elaborate. "but of course, you know that your predecessor and his Finance Secretary were involved in some... unfortunate dealings."

"You can say that again," Mayor Mare rolled her eyes. Can't you ponies ever talk straight?

"So you see, we don't have a grasp on the legal status on that vault. What in it was legally obtained, and what wasn't. And as you know, they're currently appealing their sentence in the House of Nobles. And so, until there is a final verdict on the status of the vault, may I humbly suggest that it would be safer to not rely on it."

The tan mare was unconvinced. "Surely, there must be something in there that is legally ours."

"Yes, but think about it," the bureaucrat responded calmly. "you take a jewel out from the vault and convert it into bits. It later turns out that the jewel wasn't yours. Now you have to return the money, buy back the jewel, return it to its owner, and then pay compensation for emotional and other damages. We would lose at least triple the jewel's value."

"What about the bits?" Mayor Mare grasped at straws in frustration. "Surely the bits are legitimate tax revenue!"

"Um," Bit Coin raised her hoof. "Well, the ledger of the previous Sec' was confiscated by the Anti-Graft Taskforce." She lowered her head in embarrassment. "So we don't actually know what the numbers are."

"So you don't even have a budget?!" Mayor Mare exclaimed in exasperation.

"No, no!" the chestnut pony said quickly. "We have the official budget. We just don't have the real budget. At least not while Mayor Fields was in office... Ma'am? Ma'am!"

Mayor Mare slumped onto the desk, defeat utterly overwhelming her.

*

Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"Glad you're up again, Ma'am. We sure don't want to add to our expenses now," Bit Coin said, taking her seat in front of the desk.

Mayor Mare just looked at her, head on one hoof, waiting for the arrival of more bad news.

"I've asked all three departments on how they could cut expenses. As it turns out- " the chestnut pony whipped out her phone and began to poke at it. "we're all working at top-notch efficiency. There's just no way we can cut without badly compromising some aspect of the government."

"Even the tea-ponies," the tan mare responded mirthlessly.

"Oh, especially the tea-ponies!" the Finance Secretary looked at the Mayor, stunned to think that she dared even suggest such a thing. "You know how much time it takes to brew tea? That adds up to a crazy number of pony-hours!"

Mayor Mare's head slipped off her hoof and hit the desk with an audible bang.

"But," Bit Coin hastily added. "We've all agreed to slash current old age pensions, farm subsidies and unemployment benefits by ten percent. Now obviously, this was a really hard choice." the chestnut mare paused for dramatic effect. "But it's a choice that we are willing to make, given the circumstances."

"Thanks," the tan mare said, taking note of the fact that those cuts did not affect anypony within the civil service.

"So now only one hundred and fifty thousand bits left!" Bit Coin chirped happily. "And I think I've just got the solution for that."

"Oh, really?" Mayor Mare said, amazed that deliverance was so near.

"You see, I've discussed this long and hard with the other three departments," the chestnut pony added. "and we've all come to the conclusion that there is one section of the government that is, frankly, a huge waste of money."

Mayor Mare looked directly at her Finance Secretary, rapt with anticipation.

"You see, there is this semi-department in the Ponyville civil service," Bit Coin said, "called Weather..."

*

The Secretary of Administration's Office, Ponyville

Rainbow Dash's eyes widened. "But...what! You can't fire me! I saved Ponyville!"

Crimson Ribbon smiled calmly. "We're not firing you; we're just putting you on semi-permanent furlough. If you read the Labor Relations Act 877, you will find that there's a clear difference."

"What's the difference?" Rainbow Dash asked hopefully. "Does this mean you'll still pay me?"

"The difference," Crimson Ribbon's smile widened further. "is that you can't complain about dismissal to the Civil Servants' Union on semi-permanent furlough. You're still on the grid."

The cyan pegasus' face fell. "But...oh, please, Mr. Ribbon! Please don't do this! I swear, I'll never slack off on the job again! You know what, even though I have a friend coming, I'll just work and work all day, tomorrow! Please, Mr. Ribbon, please!"

The smiling continued.

Rainbow Dash tried one last attempt. "I'll- I'll tell Celestia! I'll make her make you keep me!" she said threateningly.

Crimson's Ribbon was prepared. He took out a scroll. "' Mr. Spike confirms that Rainbow Dash generated a lightning bolt within 5 meters of him...' the Princess doesn't take well to misfeasance, Ms. Dash. "

"Ok, ok!" the pegasus backtracked. "I- I'll work for free for the rest of the year! Please, please, Mr. Ribbon, just don't fire me or put me on your 'semi-permanent...' thingy!"

The bureaucrat was willing to take this half-victory. "That will be acceptable, Ms. Dash."

*

The Hall of Reception, Canterlot

"Please." The Princess Celestia gestured towards the opposite couch.

Mayor Mare sat down, wondering what the cause of this summons was. By Equestria, I'm seeing her more than I'm seeing Cheerilee!

"You will no doubt be wondering about your summons," Princess Celestia said. "And you shall get no censure for it. Fate works in her own ways," she said, gracefully accepting Mayor Mare's offering of tea.

"So. The Griffon Ambassador has recently approached me to complain about the, well, 'unacceptable' behavior that his daughter has received at the hands of Ponyville's citizens. It seems that she has suffered much emotional distress."

"I see. Is there something we can do?"

"I apologize for insisting," the Ruler of Equestria said. "But the position of Co-Magistra is up for election next week. I need the Equestrian candidate to take that position beside me. Therefore, you must do everything possible to placate him!"

*

The Griffon Ambassador's Office, Canterlot

"My daughter is very much distressed and does not want to speak to anyone. Especially anypony," the Ambassador said haughtily.

Mayor Mare continued to prostrate herself in front of the stout griffon. "I, on behalf of the citizens of Ponyville, do most humbly beg of your most merciful forgiveness, Your Excellency." More fancy words, more fancy words!

"Hmph. What can Ponyville offer that the Great Griffon Kingdom does not already possess? I have seen West Phalia, and it is a dump."

The tan pony twitched slightly. "We shall strive to the utmost to pay due compensation."

"You shall. And I believe the compensation amounts to...let's see..." The Ambassador let out an evil grin. "Five hundred thousand bits".

Mayor Mare gulped. "Five hundred thousand bits."

"Yes. With the amount of trauma my daughter has suffered through, I believe only a prolonged stay at the Maremmayo Clinic would suffice."

The tan pony dared not complain. "Anything else, Your Excellency?"

"Ah yes. Apparently a certain Ms. Rainbow Dash has been the one responsible for all of my poor daughter's travails. She desires that Ms. Rainbow Dash apologize to her. In person."

*

The Cabinet Office, Ponyville

Rainbow Dash tiptoed in through the door, fear written all over her face. "M-mayor?" she stammered. "I- I- spent the whole day seeding c-clouds and driving away the fog... I-I- worked r-really hard..."

"No, Ms. Dash," Bit Coin reassured her. "This is something else entirely- "

"It is?" the pegasus suddenly lit up and raced into her seat. "Oh, what is it, what is it? I'll do anything to help!"

"Ms. Dash," the Mayor said. "Do you know a certain Ms. Gilda?"

"Oh, sure." the prismatic mare crossed her forelegs at the mention of that name. "She's a real party-pooper."

"Ms. Dash, what did you do to Ms. Gilda?" the tan mare pressed.

"Pfft. Nothing really," the pegasus replied. "Just a few pranks with Pinkie. It's not our fault that she couldn't take it."

Mayor Mare paused, slowly revising what she had to say. "Ms. Dash. This probably doesn't seem fair to you. But we need you to go to Canterlot and apologize, in person, to Ms. Gilda- "

The cyan mare jumped into the air. "What! That little... no. No!"

"Ms. Dash, please." Bit Coin said. "This is important. For Equestria."

"No! It's not my fault!" the pegasus gesticulated wildly. "She'll humiliate me! And why just me, and not Pinkie Pie as well?""

"I don't know." Mayor Mare said with some finality. "But you have to go."

"No! She can't do this!" Rainbow Dash said.

The tan pony sighed. She looked over to Bit Coin. The Finance Secretary nodded sadly.

"We'll bring you back from permanent furlough," Mayor Mare pleaded.

"No."

"We'll pay you an extra bonus for this month. We'll promote you to D3!"

"No, no! I just can't..."

"Ma'am?" Bit Coin looked at her superior.

"Go ahead," Mayor Mare sighed.

"Ms. Dash, is it the humiliation that's the problem?" Bit Coin postulated.

"Yes!" the cyan pony nodded furiously.

"Well. In that case, why don't I just arrange a grant for Ms. Sparkle, so she can receive lessons in mind-wiping."

"Hmm. Well, uh..." Rainbow Dash pondered. "Hmmm... well, yeah, I guess that's alright. Can I keep the other stuff as well?"

"Sure," Mayor Mare grimaced.

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"Now I understand that this whole Griffon thing had to be solved. But look at the books now!" Bit Coin said in desperation. "Even a capsizing ship is more balanced than this."

The words were written in clear and indelible red ink: 700,000 bits.

The chestnut mare pushed the ledger across on the desk for the Mayor's perusal. "I sure hope you asked the Princess for some help."

"Her Highness couldn't give any. Said it was Ponyville's fault for being having undiplomatic citizens. Would set a bad example for the other cities." The Mayor sighed in resignation. "You know the Princess. We have six heroes of Equestria here. She doesn't want to be seen showing favoritism."

Bit Coin reluctantly accepted the Mayor's reasoning.

"Two months before we reveal the Annual Budget." the chestnut pony remarked. "So do you have a plan to net us that sort of cash? Or will you make the Equestrian history books?"

"I don't know. But with this town, you never know." Mayor Mare mused.

Author's Note

Furloughs - suspension of work and pay. Actually, having done some post-story research, furlough is sometimes the same as being fired. But in famous cases, such as during the US Government shutdown of 1995, a furlough is temporary in nature.

Abbreviations:
D3: A bureaucratic rank in Equestrian Government. (Inspiration from HK bureaucracy. Salary is c. USD 8,000/month).

S1E6: Boast Busters

Season 1 Episode 6 - Boast Busters

Town Center, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Crisis Management [ ]

A) Apportioning Blame [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"Thank you, Mr. Ribbon," Mayor Mare said, briefly glancing at the piece of paper. "Now, if you will excuse me - sorry, Carrot Top... I indeed am sorry that you had to suffer such distress... We will do everything to soothe your pain. Actually... "

The tan pony climbed on top of the wreckage of Trixie's caravan. "Ponyvillians! I feel your pain! And now, I promise to you all - Ponyville promises to you all - we will seek out the pony responsible- "

"What are you talking about?" Lyra Heartstrings' annoying little voice rang out from the crowd. "Don't you already know who's responsible for bringing the Ursa into town? Or is the Mayor of Ponyville this badly informed?"

"I... " Mayor Mare said, suddenly cognizant of the thousands of suspicious faces looking her way. "Ah... " Darn you, Lyra!

"I guess," Twilight Sparkle trotted up next to the Mayor, "what the Mayor wants to say is that Snips and Snails may not be the only party involved in this. They just need a bit of time to gather further evidence!"

"Ohhh..." the ponies below nodded, satisfied with the unicorn's answer. Lyra Heartstring's face sank into a sulk, her plans thus thwarted.

"Ponyville will bounce back from this!" Mayor Mare said, waving at the dispersing crowd. "Thank you, Ms. Sparkle," she whispered to Ponyville's savior.

"My pleasure," Twilight was also waving at the crowd. "please don't be too hard on Fluttershy for sleeping in and not noticing the Ursa. She really likes being a Ranger."

"You have my word."

*

Outside the Ponyville Library, Ponyville

"... and so, I told Snips and Snails to go clear up the caravan, and then- " Twilight was giving a description of the night's events.

"Ah. Mayor? Can I...?" Crimson Ribbon began.

"Not now, Mr. Ribbon!" Mayor Mare hissed.

"- I gave them both mustaches as a punishment!" the bookish mare giggled at the thought. "Oh, anyway, I know you two have much to discuss, so I won't bother you any longer! Good night, Mayor!"

"Good night, Ms. Sparkle!" Mayor Mare waved. "She's a good little filly, isn't she, Crimson?" the tan pony remarked.

"Perhaps. But she has put you in a very difficult position." Crimson Ribbon responded.

"Oh, if only my Cheerie was like... what?" the Mayor asked.

"Let me elaborate," the bureaucrat said, setting off for Town Hall in a trot. "You understand that the most important role of the government is the one that dispenses righteous justice."

Mayor Mare nodded, not sure where this was going.

"If you had read The Constitutional Codex that I had so thoughtfully given you," the Secretary for Administration admonished, "you would have realized that the only people who are authorized to dispense public justice are: firstly, those who receive public monies for doing so, and secondly, the honored class of ponies that we call, rather straightforwardly, 'Honored Pony'."

"Oh." The tan pony was now more sure.

"Ms. Sparkle is neither. And yet she saw fit to charge and punish Mr. Snips and Mr. Snails. This is not constitutional."

Mayor Mare thought for a while. "I mean, ponies will surely understand that since Twilight Sparkle saved us from the Ursa, that it's not so bad for her to set the punishment for the two ponies?"

The gray stallion sighed. Why are elected officials always so foalish? "Mayor Mare, the public is not who I'm concerned about here. Think about this. Say Pony C saves Pony B from Pony A. Should this give Pony C the right to levy whatever punishment he desires on Pony A?"

"Surely not. Our laws guarantee - most of the time, anyway - a just punishment to fit the crime."

"And a good thing too. But you just know, you just know, that if you let this episode with Ms. Sparkle slide, some PC fresh out of Oatsford University is going to use this case to argue for Pony C's right. 'Well, Ms. Sparkle showed that if you helped save somepony from an offender, you get to punish said offender in any way you want!'" he emphasized, putting on an exaggerated aristocratic accent.

"Well, it's a question of degree," the tan pony defended her position. "Ms. Sparkle didn't just save one pony, she saved Ponyville!"

"And indeed, that could be a good defense," the Secretary of Administration responded smoothly. "But think about it. Just one unfortunate ruling, one stupid judge, one idiotic jury, and you'll be the Mayor that basically destroyed law and order throughout the land of Equestria. Is that what you want?"

"So what you're saying is," Mayor Mare mulled over the points made. "I have to revoke Ms. Sparkle's judgment. Because she certainly wasn't an HP during the Ursa attack, and I obviously can't make her one back then."

"Well... " Perhaps this would be a good time to see how well our Mayor is learning the ropes. "Yes. That's what I'm saying."

*

Delta Force's House, Ponyville

"Captain Force? I need your help here," Mayor Mare's voice crackled through the phone.

"Yes, Mayor." The Security Chief also decided that it was time for a little smoke.

"About this Ursa problem," the tan pony said. "I need to revoke Twilight Sparkle's judgment on Snips and Snails."

"As you wish, Mayor," the red stallion exhaled. "But you will have to find something to replace it."

"Do I have to?" the Mayor said hopefully. "Ponyvillians are forgiving..."

"To friends and family, perhaps. But definitely not to elected officials," the gruff pony shot the Mayor down before she could develop her point further.

No response from the other side.

"Your promised the public that you'll find someone responsible. So I guess if it's not Mr. Snips and Mr. Snails, then it's you."

"Captain," the tan mare quickly changed the subject. "Can we charge Mr. Snips and Mr. Snails under the Illegal Importations Act 991?"

"No, Ma'am, the Everfree is part of Equestria."

There came the sound of rustling pages. "Spread of Disease Act 876."

"No incidence of disease so far. Unless you have some special secret evidence that nopony else knows about."

"Pets Act 999." Mayor Mare's voice was betraying an increasing reluctance.

"Doubt the Ursa's a pet," the Security Chief let out a little cough. "Ma'am, to be frank, I think the only relevant law here is the... "

"Treason Act 10." Mayor Mare said in a hushed voice.

The Security Chief grunted in assent. "Yes. It is the only law in Equestria that has an unlimited scope: it can be applied to almost everypony for anything. Including the charge of 'leading an Ursa Minor into the center of Ponyville'."

Another pause over the phone. "Well, I don't think I can charge Mr. Snips and Mr. Snails for treason."

"Well, the Treason Act isn't restricted to adults, that's the wonderful thing- "

"I know that," Mayor Mare muttered, grumpy after hours of mental exhaustion. "I'm holding the darned Codex in my hooves, you know. I mean politically."

"Oh. Sure. But then, if you don't charge them, then you'll be letting Mr. Snips and Mr. Snails off. Not good for you."

"I know," Mayor Mare said. Delta Force could hear the sound of a heavy book being flung against the wall.

"You could always promote Ms. Sparkle to an HP," the red stallion helpfully suggested, building up nicotine in his lungs.

The tan pony sighed. "Only if I had a time machine - I can't change the fact that Ms. Sparkle wasn't an HP before the Ursa attacked!"

"I mean, you could always have promoted Ms. Sparkle to an HP," the red stallion corrected himself.

The line went silent for around five minutes. "Captain Force... what are you suggesting?"

The red stallion blew a large puff of smoke and stubbed out his cigarette. "Good night, Ma'am."

*

The Ponyville Library Basement, Ponyville

"Mayor, I..." Twilight Sparkle's eyes widened in horror. "I... I... I didn't realize! Oh, I'm so sorry, Mayor, I didn't... I... " Tears began welling in her eyes and she buried her face in her hooves. "Oh my stars, I RUINED EQUESTRIA!"

"Shhh! Ms. Sparkle!" Mayor Mare hushed the distraught unicorn. "I need you to be quiet!"

Twilight was bawling like a child. "There'll be ponies running rampant everywhere... all the courts destroyed... everypony stealing and hitting and killing each other... and it'll all be MY FAULT!"

"Ms. Sparkle!" the tan pony stuffed her hoof in the bookish mare's mouth. "I have a solution that can save us both. But you have absolutely got to keep this a secret, alright?"

The unicorn nodded, still heaving and straining from the emotional pressure.

Mayor Mare produced a gilded book from her saddlebag. "Here's the list of HPs in the entire Province of West Phalia - don't ask how I got it. You're going to insert your name into that list."

The purple mare abruptly pulled out Mayor Mare's hoof from her mouth. "You want me to commit fraud? Or - Celestia forbid - treason?" she gasped.

"The way I see it now, you're going down either way," Mayor Mare cautioned. "so let's make this as painless a process as possible."

"But I... I... all my life... the Princess' trust... I can't... I just..." tears again rolled down Twilight's trembling cheeks.

"Twilight!" the Mayor commanded in desperation. "If you force me to charge Snips and Snails with treason, I'm bringing you down with me!"

"M- Mayor- mmph!" Twilight barely registered a plea before the tan pony shut her mouth again.

"Now, Ms. Sparkle, now!" the Mayor ordered, looking straight into the unicorn's lavender eyes.

The unicorn closed her eyes in mental resignation. Her breaths still rapid, her body still shuddering, her horn beginning to glow...

*

The Cabinet Office, Ponyville

"I know that a lot has occurred in the intervening time," Bit Coin said with some consternation. "But I want to remind everypony that we still only have one month left until the Budget Report! One month to fill up a deficit of seven hundred thousand bits! Accounting tricks will only get us so far!"

"I understand, Ms. Coin; I'm trying my best to lobby the Princess for an increase in the Ursa Emergency Fund." Mayor Mare said, not for one moment believing this to be the important issue at hand.

The chestnut pony huffed. "So we're putting all our eggs into that one basket? Just great."

"We'll think of something," the Mayor replied.

"I guess the threat of bankruptcy isn't a strong enough threat for you ponies," the Finance Secretary grumbled as she gathered up her papers. "I'd better go talk to the banks about contingency plans."

Crimson Ribbon remained silent until the Finance Secretary had exited. "Now, Ma'am, let us talk about the real issue at stake here. That of Ms. Sparkle."

Mayor Mare looked at Delta Force. The Security Chief pretended to raise an inquisitive eyebrow.

The tan pony turned back to the Secretary of Administration. "What issue of Ms. Sparkle's?" she asked innocently.

The bureaucrat remained calm. "Well, if I recall correctly, I believe she had inadvertently usurped some of the government's judicial powers."

"Really?" Mayor Mare said. "Hmm... I actually can't remember if she was authorized to do so: she's definitely not a public servant, but she could have been an HP... please, Captain Force, can you check the book for me?"

The red stallion brought a gilded book into view. "Now, let's see... the list of HPs in Ponyville... well, wouldn't you believe it! There's Ms. Sparkle's name!" He pointed out the relevant entry: Ms. Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville.

"So very young. And able." Mayor Mare commented. "And an HP, apparently."

The bureaucrat examined the row further. "Ah, it seems that Ms. Sparkle was already an Honored Pony by the time of the Ursa Crisis. Interesting news, indeed. Although, I must say, I don't recall ever reading or supporting her application, as stated here."

"You must have signed it after Nightmare Moon was defeated," the tan pony postulated. "Those were boozy and un-remember-able times for all of us."

"Indeed they were."

"Well, Mr. Ribbon!" the Mayor Mare was the happiest she'd ever been in days. "It seems that your concerns have, therefore, been rendered unnecessary."

"Indeed they have." The Secretary of Administration broke into a smile and a grimace. The Mayor had proven herself to be a fast learner, but would her power one day threaten his own position?

Author's Note

Abbreviations:
PC: Princess Council. A high-level lawyer (From QC - Queen's Council in the UK)

[Particular inspiration: 1) Mayor Mare's speech is derived from Presidents Clinton and Bush. 2) The broad scope of the Treason Act is mirrored in English law, when the Treason Act 1351 can basically be interpreted to justify most charges.]

S1E7: Dragonshy

Season 1 Episode 7 - Dragonshy

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

The Agenda:

Preparations for Bankruptcy [ ] Securing the Dragon Hoard [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"All I want is a simple request. A simple. Request." Mayor Mare murmured, looking up at the rest of the Cabinet. "I just want a couple of weeks. Just a couple of weeks, without something happening in Ponyville!" she slammed her hooves onto the table. "Dragons? Now we have dragons?"

"I fear that something would have happened, in any case, had the dragon not happened on us," Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon said. "That being our bankruptcy."

The tan pony chastised his pedantry with her stare. "I know that. I'm just saying that I'd like to be pro-active rather than reactive! And especially," she scowled at the thought. "especially now that Lyra has finally gotten over her post-election funk."

The bureaucrat shrugged. "We play with the hoof we're dealt. Your hoof just happens to have a lot of disasters."

"Payback for previous milder years then, huh," the Mayor responded sarcastically. "Anyway. Now to this 'dragon hoard' business. Ms. Coin,"

Finance Secretary Bit Coin had been straining for a chance to speak. "Oh, yes, Mayor Mare, the dragon hoard - I just simply can't tell you how much of a break this is for us, for Ponyville, how much this will -"

"Ms. Coin." the gray stallion cautioned.

"Oh. Sorry. Lemme try again," the chestnut pony apologized. "Ahem. So you know, currently, due to an unfortunate crossing of numerous events, we are now on the brink of bankruptcy, to the tune of 750,000 bits."

"That Trixie gal finally submitted her compensation request, eh," Security Chief Delta Force said, instinctively reaching for his cigarette pack before remembering the new regulations.

"Yeah. Fifty thousand bits for the caravan and damages - ridiculous," the Finance Secretary snorted. "Anyway, thank Celestia, that dragon didn't add any more to our expenses. But most importantly, the dragon seems to have left his hoard up on the summit of Mt. Annaponya."

"It's just 'Annaponya'. It's from Old Eques- " the bureaucrat corrected her."

"Ok, ok!" Bit Coin shot a dirty look from across the table. "So, as I was saying, there's that dragon hoard on, ahem, Annaponya. Preliminary reports from Ms. Sparkle seem to indicate a whole cave of bits and jewels. That's more than enough to cover our budget."

"I'll be organizing a small team to go up there and retrieve the stuff," the red stallion chipped in.

"So there it is. Problem solved!" the Finance Secretary said happily, closing her ledger.

Smiles all around.

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

"What do you mean, problem not solved?!" Bit Coin exclaimed incredulously.

"Ah," Mr. Ribbon was very smug indeed. "you see, this is where being a pedant helps."

Mayor Mare, now mired in her own depression, opened the Constitutional Codex. " The Dragon Hoard Act 567," she said with the enthusiasm of a suicidal unicorn. "'Wherever a pony discovers a dragon hoard on any mountain, crest, or peak, and takes peaceable possession thereof, the dragon hoard may, at the discretion of the local authority, be considered as appertaining to said authority's treasury.'"

"Ok...?" the chestnut pony replied, not really understanding the fuss at all.

"So basically," the gray stallion said, "whenever somepony finds a dragon hoard on any mountain, crest, or peak, we can have it."

"Right. That's why we're doing this," Bit Coin said.

"The problem is," Crimson Ribbon broke into a smile. "we have discovered that in Equestrian law, 'mountains', 'crests', and 'peaks' are defined as being five thousand hooves and above."

"We've done a rough trig," Delta Force added. "Annaponya's around five thousand hooves. Too close to call."

The Finance Secretary shrugged. "That's it? We'll just talk with Ms. Sparkle and her friends in the worst case, then. They are pretty easy to black- I mean, negotiate with."

Mayor Mare sighed again. "The Treasure Act 73. 'Wheresoever a hoard of any sort be uncovered by any one pony, it is only right and just that he be compelled to divide it with the rest of his village.'"

The chestnut pony was unimpressed. "Old lingo."

"That may be," Crimson Ribbon said. "But it still is law. The Dragon Hoard Act still takes precedence because it is more recent, but- "

The Finance Secretary finally got it, pupils shrinking in horror. "-but if the treasure is discovered on a mountain that is below five thousand, then everypony in Ponyville receives a share?"

Crimson Ribbon nodded. "We'd lose all control over the hoard. And we'd go bankrupt."

Bit Coin pondered the issue for a while before her ears perked up again. "I mean, this law is so old and so unremembered, that I'm sure the ponyfolk won't notice... right? Right?"

Delta Force passed an official complaint to the Finance Secretary. "Ms. Heartstrings did."

"Urgh..." Mayor Mare's body slumped further onto the table. "This darn town."

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

"Come on, Lyra!" Bit Coin pleaded. "I voted for you in the last election! Don't make my job so difficult!"

"It's not against you," the lime-green unicorn rolled her eyes. "It's against the Mayor. I'll still put you on as Finance Secretary when Ponyville goes bankrupt and she goes."

The chestnut pony snorted. "Come on. You're going to keep me, even after I was Sec' when Ponyville went bankrupt? Please."

"Nopony's more qualified than you at the moment," Lyra said. "and plus, we're friends, right?"

The Finance Secretary refused to be led off-topic. "Lyra, come on! I mean, I told you about the whole bankruptcy thing!"

"Bit, you're getting a slice of the pie if this challenge goes through," the unicorn responded.

"Lyra!" Bit Coin whispered angrily. "I haven't hidden a single piece of government news from you so far!"

"Bit Coin!" the unicorn responded in a mimicking accent. "I haven't told Mrs. Force about you two so far!"

"I... but...!" the Finance Secretary's cheeks flushed red with impotent anger. "Lyra, please!..."

*

The Gentlecolt's Club, Canterlot

"Ah, Crimmy, you old horse!" the Head of the Equestrian Trigonometric Survey, Three Point, stood up to welcome Ponyville's Secretary of Administration.

"And how have you been, Three?" the two ponies embraced.

"Ah, never been better!" Three Point reclined back into his couch. "The Trig Survey - Equestria's largest leisure center!"

The two stallions shared a chuckle.

"Well, most of the time anyway," Crimson Ribbon said. "Three, I've got a job in Ponyville."

"Ponyville? We mapped that out three centuries ago."

"I need you to trig Annaponya."

"Annaponya?" the portly pegasus took out a book and flipped through. "4,999 hooves- "

"No, no," the bureaucrat interjected. "there's been a terrible rockslide. We need to trig it again."

"Rockslide? How does that affect the height of the mountain?" Three Point said.

Crimson Ribbon responded with a smile. "I just need a new height."

The true meaning of this finally dawned on the pegasus. "Oh, Crimmy, you know the Trig Survey is totally neutral."

"Of course."

"You know we don't bow down to outside pressure," the pegasus gave a knowing wink.

"Of course."

"And you know that our results are totally, utterly, 100% apolitical."

"Of course, that would be most proper," Crimson Ribbon smiled. "But speaking of which, I still recall you owing me a favor for not telling Mr. Jessup what you did back- "

"Sure, sure," the pegasus waved his hoof dismissively. "I'll send a suitable surveyor. Totally upright. Incorruptible."

"Thank you very much, Three," the Secretary of Administration shook his old schoolmate's hoof. "Some wine?"

*

Secretary of Administration's Office, Ponyville

"Surveyor Scaler, correct?" Crimson Ribbon looked up at the bespectacled unicorn in front of him.

"Yes. Sir."

"Looks like you're three years overdue for promotion. You like surveying much?" the bureaucrat asked.

"Prefer a desk job, myself..."

"Good." Let's see how desperate you are, then. "Doubtless you know that you are here to trig Annaponya."

"Sure."

"And doubtless you know that Annaponya's already been trigged."

"Um... I guess... " Surveyor Scaler had, apparently, not given much thought to the absurdity of the situation.

"The problem is," Crimson Ribbon said. "We need a more useful record of Annaponya's height. Something like... oh, I don't know, five thousand."

"Five thousand?" the unicorn repeated. "But that's..." he realized what was going on.

Instinctively sitting up ramrod stiff, the surveyor recited the Surveyor's Oath as a defense. "A surveyor's job is to report the height of each peak precise- "

"Yes, yes, I know that," the Secretary of Administration stopped him. "Good. I'll just write that on your review, then. 'A stickler for the rules' - "

"Wait, wait!" Surveyor Scaler said hastily, knowing well that the review was his key to the long-awaited promotion. "I do believe that the recent rockslide has caused... significant height changes in Annaponya. It is the duty of the Trigonometric Survey to detail these changes..."

*

Summit of Annaponya, West Phalia

"Well, get on with it!" Lyra Heartstrings said impatiently. "You've already done this before, haven't you?"

"The recent rockslide, Ms. Heartstrings, may have changed the height of the mountain," Mr. Scaler said, looking nervously back at Mayor Mare and the Secretary for Administration.

"I didn't know rockslides occurred at the very summit," the lime-green unicorn said.

"The Trigonometric Survey is a completely neutral and apolitical organization," the surveyor answered, putting down some instruments onto the nearby ground.

Lyra glared at the Mayor. "It's you again, isn't it? You're placing this survey because you want the height of this mountain to be over 5,000 hooves, don't you? So you can keep the hoard to yourself, right?"

"Ms. Heartstrings, you heard Surveyor Scaler: the Trigonometric Survey is a completely neutral and apolitical organization," Mayor Mare replied innocently.

"Hmph," the unicorn crossed her forearms. "It's just not necessary to- wait, what are you doing?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Lyra spotted the surveyor frowning at something. She galloped over to him. "Give me that!" she yelled, snatching the reader from his hooves. "Let's see... A-HA!" the unicorn said triumphantly. "4,999 hooves! This isn't a mountain! I- "

"I'm sorry, Ms. Heartstrings," the bespectacled unicorn said quickly, taking the reader back from the unicorn's hooves. "I was just calibrating the instruments. The real summit is there," he said, pointing his hoof at a nearby stone.

"I- what?!" Lyra exclaimed. "It's just a stone! It's not even connected to the rest of the mountain! How can that be the summit!"

"The Trigonometric Survey is a completely neutral and apolitical organization, Ma'am." Surveyor Scaler repeated, gingerly balancing his instruments on the tiny rock. He punched some buttons and read the result. "5,000 hooves. So, that's the new height of Annaponya."

"This... but... but this is impossible!" Lyra refused to admit defeat. "How can a rockslide make a mountain even taller?"

Surveyor Scaler shrugged. "Could be plate tectonics. Could be pony error. Could even just be better instruments. But 5,000's the new height of Annaponya now, and it's in the log." He shot a glance at Crimson Ribbon, who gave a knowing wink. "But it's definitely not made-up."

The lime-green unicorn could add two and two together. "But this... this is impossible! There's no way you three didn't rig this! I'm... I'm going to court on this! You just wait, you just wait!"

Crimson Ribbon gave the smile of a conqueror. "Ms. Heartstrings, without concrete evidence, I do believe that the courts will find more persuasive, the mantra that the Trigonometric Survey is a completely neutral and apolitical organization."

Author's Note

(Thanks to Seether00 for reminding me to mention Trixie's compensation.)
(Thanks to Kinrah for pointing out problem: 'human' error. Damn it, I blame jetlag!)

[Particular Inspiration: 1) The Dragon Hoard Act is derived from the US Guano Islands Act 1856, which allows any US citizen to annex, for the US, an unclaimed island with guano on it. 2) The Treasure Act, by comparison, is derived from the same law in the UK which requires all citizens to first attempt a sale of their findings before retention. 3) Abuse of the power of review does occur in the judicial system of Hong Kong, where judges who rule on corruption cases are themselves assessed by the anti-corruption bureau.]

S1E8: Look Before You Sleep

Season 1 Episode 8 - Look Before You Sleep

Mayor Mare's House, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Assigning Blame for the Accident at the Library [ ]

A) Assigning Punishment [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"So, you're saying that Ms. Sparkle's house just got hit by a tree." Mayor Mare said, eyes still affixed on the agenda of the day.

"Indeed, Ma'am," Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon replied.

"Well, you sure make these agendas pretty quickly," the tan mare handed the piece of paper back to the bureaucrat.

"Thank you, Ma'am. It is a skill I am fortunate enough to possess."

"But still, it's a bit early, isn't it? I mean- " the sound of thunder suddenly rang around the house. "the storm's not even over yet..."

"Uh, not too early for the media," Cheerilee poked her head into the room. "Mom, we've got some visitors."

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"I want to re-assure the citizens of Ponyville once again, that ponies have nothing to fear from the accident involving the Library! We will be carrying out an immediate investigation into the incident. I guarantee you this: no Ponyvillian will ever be harmed by thunderstorms during my tenure: not during, not after! And to prove it, we're going to bring in an investigator from Canterlot..."

Mayor Mare switched off the radio and turned to Ponyville's weathermare. "So I hope you have a good explanation for this."

Rainbow Dash sat up straight in her seat. "It wasn't my fault, Mayor! That lightning strike wasn't supposed to happen! Why would I want to do that to Twilight?"

The tan pony narrowed her eyes. "It was you who asked for the Category Four Rainstorm."

"Well, that was because I- I missed the last one!" the cyan pegasus said indignantly. "Uh, because I was busy! With... uh... clearing the fog! And stuff!"

"Yes, but it was still you who asked for the Category Four Rainstorm," the Mayor emphasized, closing in for the kill.

"Yes, yes, so I did!" Rainbow Dash said, in full-blown job preservation mode. "But that's not the point! You still shouldn't have unscheduled lightning, even in a Cat Four!"

"So I'm guessing one of your team scheduled that lightning bolt, then..." the tan pony began, clearly hoping this to be the case. Just admit it, nice and quick, come on!

"No!" the prismatic mare denied vehemently. "Of course we wouldn't do that! It's against every rule in the book! We never use rainstorm-grade lightning anywhere near houses!"

Just great. "Well," Mayor Mare said, folding her forelegs. "Let's hear your explanation, then."

Rainbow Dash sat in thought for a while. "I guess it must be something in the cloud that went wrong. Probably the trigger thing."

Well, at least here's another victim. "Thank you, Ms. Dash. We will contact you later if there are any new developments relevant to you."

*

Rich Industries Headquarters, Ponyville

"The investigator from the Weather Agency will be coming in soon," Crimson Ribbon said. "So we'll need to keep this meeting brief."

"Thanks, Mr. Ribbon. Please do remind me if I am late," Mayor Mare said, striding alone into the office of Mr. Filthy Rich, GSS OB HP.

The room reeked of cigars and champagne. Like some movie villain, Mr. Rich swiveled around in his chair to face the incomer. "Ah, Mayor!" he said, standing up and offering a hoof. "So glad to see you."

"Hello, Mr. Rich." The two ponies shook hooves.

Filthy Rich gestured towards the wine cabinet. "Drink?"

"No thanks, Mr. Rich, I'm afraid I've got other appointments later this evening... "

"Do you?" the industrial magnate raised an eyebrow.

"... although I'm sure they would understand if I was a bit... absent," Mayor Mare added hastily.

Filthy Rich stared hard at the politician before breaking out into an unnerving laugh. "Oh, no worries, Mayor; it's only a small favor I ask. I'll be brief. You know that incident with the tree and the library?"

"Yes," the tan pony responded jitteringly. "We're bringing in an investigator from the EWA as we speak -"

"That would not be necessary," the businesspony lit up a cigar.

"Oh?" Mayor Mare asked instinctively. "You know who did it?"

"Yes... and no," Mr. Rich said, blowing smoke into the air. "It seems that QA has discovered some documents, buried beneath all the paperwork. These documents seem to have... raised some interesting issues with regards to our newest THUNDAR cloud trigger system."

"Oh." Mayor Mare's heart sank.

"Now we will obviously fix these issues ASAP, don't you worry. But then... " the magnate shuffled his papers around. "Actually, Mayor, remind me what we were talking about again. I seem to recall mentioning some issues, but I don't know of any issues regarding Rich Industries."

"Of course not, Mr. Rich," the Mayor concurred. "of course not."

The businesspony flashed a winning smile. "That will be all, Mayor."

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"Are you sure Mr. Rich's support means that much to you? You know he donates to the Equine Party as well," Crimson Ribbon noted.

"Yes, but what does it say to my other donors, when I don't fulfill campaign promises?" Mayor Mare was pacing up and down. "And Filthy is not a pony I want to mess with in any case, for the sake of my career."

"For the sake of your career, I would suggest not cancelling the investigation either," the bureaucrat noted. "But of course, there is that other option."

Mayor Mare looked at him with some curiosity. "Oh?"

Crimson Ribbon gave one of his knowing smiles. "Mayor, just how desperate are you?"

*

Mane Street, Ponyville

"Inspector Hercule Holmes," the trenchcoated pegasus extended a foreleg. "EWA Chief Investigator."

"Good day, Mr. Holmes," Mayor Mare shook the investigator's hoof. "Nice flight?"

"Let's get down to brass tacks and talk about the incident. So, what we have here is a case of unintentional lightning discharge," the inspector said gruffly. "a serious charge indeed. In that case, let's have all the files on the cloud type, the cloud manufacturing company, the trigger company, the weatherpony, the lot."

"Ah." the Secretary for Administration raised a hoof in protest. "I'm afraid I must deny your request."

"Why."

The Mayor cleared her throat. "The company must remain classified. National security."

The inspector raised an eyebrow. "A cloud manufacturer is an issue of national security."

"Indeed it is. You will no doubt know about the chaos caused by the Great Weatherpony Strike of 912. That's the kind of 'national security' we're talking about. It's always good to be on the right side of the Treason Act, don't you think?" the Secretary of Administration asked.

Hercule Holmes sighed angrily. "Alright, so let's have the weatherpony and the type of cloud involved."

"Sorry," the bureaucrat said. "But that's national security as well."

"The weatherpony and the cloud type is national security." The detective couldn't have imagined, in his wildest dreams, that the same organization who had asked him to investigate, was now itself blocking his investigation.

"Apologies. But we simply can't give you any hints that would let you discover the company. Our clouds and our weatherpony may supply you with clues, you see."

The inspector's face darkened. "You know that all EWA inspectors have the power to inspect anything they wish, right? And that obstruction is a felony?"

"Yes," the gray stallion replied smoothly. "so let us see your court warrant."

"I... " Hercule Holmes was more than miffed that this weedy bureaucrat had called his bluff. "Alright. So what can you give me?"

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

"We can give you this," Mayor Mare handed the inspector a thick file.

"Thank... you?" the inspector scanned through the documents, furrows deepening as he proceeded. "Wait. All this is redacted!" He whipped out a page covered in black marks. "How am I supposed to read this?"

"National security," Crimson Ribbon responded. "I apologize, but we are Equestrian patriots here."

Hercule Holmes tossed the folder back at them, loose pages flying everywhere. "Is there any evidence that you can actually show me, regarding this accident?"

"Well," the bureaucrat gave the question some thought. "I guess we still have the bits of tree lying around, next to the library..."

"Thank you," Inspector Holmes remarked sarcastically. "I will go myself, if you don't mind."

Mayor Mare began dialing the phone as soon as the detective's hoofsteps faded into the ether. "Captain Force? Mayor Mare here. Time to turn on that incinerator. Good. Report here soon."

"An excellent job so far, Ma'am," Crimson Ribbon remarked as the tan pony put down the receiver. "He won't have anything to investigate at this rate."

"Yes, but still..." Mayor Mare mused. "He would still write, in his investigation report, that we've been obstructing him. That wouldn't be good, especially if Lyra gets her hooves on something like that."

The Secretary of Administration nodded. "A valid observation. But, at the very least, we'll have bought ourselves some time- "

The insistent knocking from outside the door broke the bureaucrat's train of thought. "Ma'am! Applejack!" came a thick country drawl.

"Ms. Applejack? Come in!"

The orange mare entered sheepishly into the room. "Uh, hi there, y'all," she said, Stetson in hoof and keeping a respectful distance.

Both officials silently beckoned Applejack to elaborate on her entry.

"Um, I was readin' them old papers while Applebloom was performin' some school play, and uh," Applejack grimaced. "Well, I came here as soon as I could to apologize to y'all."

"And why would you need to?" the tan mare asked.

"Well... " Applejack tried in vain to think of a more delicate way of putting it. "It was me, Mayor. That tree fallin' into Twi's house: that was my doin'. Not the lightnin's. I'm sorry... I lassoed the tree so it wouldn't fall on the neighbors, but I pulled too hard and- " the orange pony lowered her head. "I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Again. I'm really not in shape these days, am I?"

Deliverance. "Thank you for telling us, Ms. Applejack. We'll discuss this at a later time."

"Sorry again," the farm pony said, exiting the room backwards. The door closed.

"You know," Crimson Ribbon suggested. "perhaps you might want to readjust your long-term goals. Ms. Applejack has really been rather co-operative."

Mayor Mare sighed. "Well, the Apples can be good folk. But it's not like I have much of a choice if I want to sit here after election. And besides," the tan mare justified, "it's not like Ms. Applejack knows what she's done for me."

"True, that."

"She has my gratitude on a personal level. But in politics, war is war."

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"I will have to register my extreme disappointment in the conduct of this government," Hercule Holmes declared. "It is most improper for an authority to both be asking for the help of the EWA in an investigation, and then proceeding to obstruct said investigation through every means possible. Not that I haven't been able to pick up bits and pieces - indeed, I almost certainly know who is at fault here - but without any concrete documentation, it will not suffice for my report."

"That was tragic indeed," Mayor Mare mused.

"Perhaps you could have helped out more if you felt so," the inspector jabbed.

"Ah, no, I meant your presence in Ponyville was tragic," the tan pony clarified.

"My presence? How so?"

"You see," Mayor Mare explained. "it turned out that the tree was actually felled by a pony, not by a lightning discharge."

The inspector was taken aback. "So, you mean that there was no issue with lightning discharge at all?"

"As I said," the tan mare repeated with a manufactured hint of annoyance, "it turned out that the tree was actually felled by a pony, not by a lightning discharge."

"I see." Hercule Holmes took the bait. "It seems that my stay here was a waste of time, then. I can't write a report on something beyond my jurisdiction."

"Since apologies, Inspector Holmes, for wasting your precious time," a relieved Mayor stood up to send him out. "I will see to it that we will remunerate you appropriately..."

Author's Note

Abbreviations:
GSS: Gold Solar Star (honors)
OB: Order of the Bridle (honors)
HP: Honored Pony (honors)
EWA: Equestrian Weather Agency
QA: Quality Assurance

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Categories (1-5) are the US metric for measuring hurricane strength. 2) Using 'national security' as a means of obstructing investigations was allegedly a tactic in the 9/11 and Iraq War inquiries.]

S1E9: Bridle Gossip

Season 1 Episode 9 - Bridle Gossip

Town Square, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Welcoming Zecora [ ]

2. SPECIAL NOTE: Pony Supremacist Band Performance in Ponyville [ ]

3. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

Mayor Mare shot a glance after she read the note Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon had passed on to her. "We'll deal with this later," she hissed quietly, before returning back into her sunny complexion.

Twilight Sparkle was speaking. "... this is something that even I, a member of the Civil Liberties Union, was guilty of. And so, let this adventure be a lesson to those who see only the color of their fur, to those who judge only by their place of origin - Mayor of Ponyville, I hereby nominate Ms. Zecora for the Pony of the Year Award!"

The crowd stomped and yelled in earnest. The Mayor saw her cue to stand up and hand over a small golden cup to the zebra. "Many thanks, Ms. Zecora, for not only helping out our fellow citizens, but also revealing the secrets of the Poison Joke to the world!" she announced.

The zebra responded in rhyme.

"It is always nice to see

The ponies stomping with such glee,

And though I've traveled all around,

I'll take the 'Ville as my hometown!"

More stomping and cheering. Mayor Mare's heart couldn't help but sink. At least if she hated the place, it would have made my job that much easier.

*

Mane Street, Ponyville

"Hakka Ponita," Crimson Ribbon said, as he and the Mayor trotted back to Town Hall.

"Bless you."

"No, no. Hakka Ponita is the name of the band. From the old Scandineighvian warriors, you see," the bureaucrat explained.

"Right. And they'll be playing in Ponyville."

"Correct. In a clearing near Ponyville Park, to be exact. It's not that far off from where Ms. Zecora lives," the gray stallion elaborated. "shavedmanes will be pouring in from all over the country."

"Well, stop them!" Mayor Mare exclaimed. "We can't be hosting racist bands one moment and awarding zebras the next!"

"They have the right to free speech," the bureaucrat reminded the Mayor.

"Not when they incite violence against others," the Mayor gritted her teeth. You can't be defending this!

"Ah, but you see," Crimson Ribbon said, "no band's that foalish. Of course they're never going to incite violence. They'll just be singing songs, and making gestures, and expressing their views."

"Urgh..." the Mayor huffed. "Well, you know what, I am going to try my darnedest to get that band off of Ponyville. It's immature, it's racist, and it's not good for Ponyville's image."

"But Mayor," the bureaucrat reminded her. "it's just a band. And think of the money- "

"Forget the money!" the Mayor said, finally stopping in front of the Town Hall doors. "All the income in the world won't save Ponyville when ponies know what we're up to in our back yard," she thought about it for an extra while. "Plus, Lyra will use this to hit me."

*

'The Duke of Mane' Restaurant, Ponyville

The Mayor sat down at the table opposite the well-dressed, clean-shaven band manager. "Hello. I expect that you are Hakka Ponita's band manager... Mr. Blut?"

"Indeed," his tone was soft, dulcet even. Not what one would expect for such a band. "I assume that there's no problem with our upcoming performance? We received your license to perform today."

"You probably have," Mayor Mare said with some regret. "I'm sorry, Mayor, but without an immediate and justifiable reason, we cannot possibly stop this without being taken to court!" Crimson Ribbon said.

"So, do we have an issue here, Mayor? Hakka Ponita is very excited about their Ponyville debut. All the tickets have been sold out."

Let's try first best. "Mr. Blut, can I please ask you to move your performance somewhere else?"

The band manager frowned. "I don't see why we should. We're not playing on public land, we have the license, we have the right."

Alright, second best. "Mr. Blut, I understand. But we've been receiving complaints from nearby houses. Would it then be possible for you to tone the music down?"

The stallion's furrows deepened. "Again, I don't see why. There's no law in Equestria that forbids us from turning up the bass as much as possible from that plot of land. We do our homework, Mayor."

Ok, third best! "Mr. Blut, you know the Ponyville Government reserves the right to bar any public activity that could potentially incite racial violence," she warned.

The band manager shrugged. "Then ban us. If you dare. If this is what your 'democracy'- " he emphasized the words with an unabashed contempt, "calls for. Ah, the land of Equestria! A land that can't even tolerate a few uncomfortable words..."

"Alright, alright," conceded Mayor Mare. "I admit, you have the right to perform."

"Thank you." Mr. Blut imperiously got out of his chair. "Will you be paying the bill, then?"

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

Captain Delta Force's eyes widened as the Mayor revealed her plan. "Mayor, are you sure this is a good idea?"

The tan pony stealthily passed a small plastic bag, filled with ketamane, to her Security Chief. "Come on, Captain Force. If you pull it off, there's a pay rise in it for you."

The normally laid-back red stallion was sweating like a pig. "Mayor, I am really not sure that this is a good idea."

"Come on! What's gotten into you!" the Mayor complained.

Delta Force thought back to that day that the two shavedmane constables barged into his room and passed him that picture - "Nice going with Ms. Coin you have there. We'll contact you in the next couple of weeks..." "Mayor, I don't think you understand the dynamics of the situation."

"How so?" the Mayor leant forward, awaiting a response.

"Well, the Equestrian police... you know, some of them..." he flattened his mane to demonstrate his point.

"Shavedmanes?" the Mayor asked for confirmation.

The ex-soldier nodded. "Not even the Princess can root them all out."

"Well, you can do it yourself, right?" the Mayor recovered fast and was again pushing the plastic bag in the Security Chief's direction.

"Yes, but- " Delta Force thought back to that awful day again. "They'll know, Mayor, they'll know! And you know the police... they've got the weapons and everything... "

The Mayor sighed in defeat, retrieving the drugs, hoping for a change of heart.

"... and you need them. We've got a hundred angry shavedmanes coming in every day. Don't give them the extra firepower!"

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"To be honest, I still don't really get the issue here," Finance Secretary Bit Coin said, poking at her phone idly. "They pay us the tax, we let them play; it's that simple. I mean, it's not like one show is gonna convert you."

"It's not about the money, it's about our image. And being cosmopolitan." Mayor Mare repeated.

The chestnut pony ignored her comment. "Alright, Ma'am, so you want us to levy a one-off performance tax on the band, right?"

"Yes!" Mayor Mare replied in frustration.

"Not possible," the Finance Secretary waved her hoof dismissively.

"Why not?" the tan pony demanded.

The chestnut pony smirked. "You think Equestria doesn't have laws regulating this kind of stuff? We'll have the Civil Liberties Union knocking on our door before we've even received the letter of complaint."

"The Liberties Union? Wha- look," Mayor Mare said. "We're doing this to fend off Hakka Ponita! Why would they even sue us?"

"So simple," the chestnut pony remarked, "that even I can answer that. They have to be balanced. Target left as well as right. Or else they'd be classified as a political organization and lose their government funding."

"... this DARN town!" Mayor Mare couldn't help yelling.

*

Zecora's Hut, Everfree Forest

"Well, so, you see," Mayor Mare gave a humorless laugh. "We've tried everything to keep Hakki Ponita at bay. But I'm afraid that it's just not going to be possible - I ask for your understanding, given such circumstances."

The zebra had finished brewing her special soup and now offered a bowl to the Mayor.

"This error I can sure forgive,

At least you had the right motive."

The tan pony gave a hushed sigh of relief. "I'm glad that you have been so understanding. Mmmm... this smells good!" she gulped down the bowl in one go in an effort to seem enthusiastic. "Yum! So, in any case, I'm trusting this case is over as far as we're concerned?"

"Ah yes, this case, for me and you,

But one fears more, the C. L. U.!"

The empty bowl clattered to the ground. "But I thought... I thought you weren't... " the Mayor sputtered.

"Perhaps I wasn't clear, you think,

But no, the 'CLU' is on the brink;

They've heard a band that's here to play,

And now they're here to make you pay!"

"Ms. Zecora! Please don't call the Civil Liberties Union!" the Mayor got down on her knees to plead. "You'll ruin Ponyville!"

"Mayor Mare, if choice was mine,

I'd definitely hate to whine;

But 'CLU' does dearly want limelight,

And so, for this, expect a fight!"

"But... surely they can't both sue Ponyville for not letting Hakka Ponita in, and also sue Ponyville for letting them in!"

"Ma'am, this case they'll surely lose,

All this is a clever ruse;

What they'll yield in cash, they'll gain

Admirers and the good old fame!"

Mayor Mare dared not get up yet, just in case. "So the CLU's just trying to get some attention through this case, right? To grab some headlines?"

The zebra nodded.

The tan pony, relieved, finally lifted herself off the ground. "Well, that's not a particularly powerful motive... I wonder if... "

*

The Library, Ponyville

Twilight's Sparkle's eyes widened again. "Oh. Oh... that wouldn't be good for Ponyville at all."

"Indeed it wouldn't, Ms. Sparkle," the Mayor said solemnly. "And it might possibly undo all the work that you have done earlier."

"I see," the unicorn lowered her head in thought. "Well, in that case, I agree. I'll write to the CLU about attending their fundraiser, then. Never knew that university subscription would finally come in handy."

"Thank you, Ms. Sparkle." Mayor Mare said. "Oh, by the way, before I forget, do you know about Winter-Wrap Up?"

"Winter-Wrap Up?" the lavender mare said. "What's that? Something to do with winter ending?"

"Well, yes," the Mayor sat down next to her and began to gesture. "You see, here's how it goes... "

Author's Note

Abbreviations:
CLU: Civil Liberties Union

(Before you ask: no, the Pony of the Year Award is not the same thing as the Prize Pony Award in Applebuck Season.)

[Particular Inspiration: 1) The continuing debate over how to deal with Neo-Nazi rallies in Germany. 2) The American Civil Liberties Union.]

S1E10: Swarm of the Century

Season 1 Episode 10 - Swarm of the Century

The Hall of Reception, Canterlot

The Agenda:

1. Meeting with the Princess Celestia [ ]

2. Parasprite Aftermath [ ]

A. Quarantine? [ ]

3. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"Please, Mayor, do sit." The Princess Celestia motioned towards the chair, a gesture that was, by now, all too familiar to Mayor Mare, who tucked away her agenda in response.

The tan pony bowed and took her place. "Thank you very much, Your Highness."

"Well; my, my," the Princess began. "Ponyville sure has had an... impressive record of disasters ever since your tenure began."

"Unfortunately so, Your Highness." Mayor Mare wasn't sure whether the alicorn meant her words to be an observation or a veiled insult. She decided not to point out the fact that Twilight Sparkle could have been an alternate cause.

"However, I will accept the responsibility for this incident with the Parasprites - tea?" the Ruler of Equestria asked, already pouring out a cup. "You will understand that the Government has never come across such creatures before."

Mayor Mare silently sipped the hot brew.

Princess Celestia continued. "The Fillydelphia Incident has alerted us to the seriousness of this infestation. It is of the utmost importance, therefore, that the Parasprites not spread any further - especially not into Canterlot."

The tan mare continued to sit in silence, silently predicting what the Princess was going to ask of her -

"Mayor Mare." Princess Celestia brought the Mayor back to Canterlot.

The tan pony looked up with a start. "Yes, Your Highness?"

The Ruler of Equestria cleared her throat. "Mayor Mare, it is therefore imperative that you quarantine the Everfree Forest through any means necessary. I do not want any Parasprite, pony or animal to walk in and out of that forest for as long as the order stands. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Your Highness," the tan mare nodded.

"Thank you, Mayor. That will be all- "

Instinctively, Mayor Mare interrupted. "Princess Celestia, may I ask about our aid?"

The Ruler of Equestria frowned. "Aid?"

"Yes," the tan pony repeated. "our aid. Because of the Parasprites."

"Ah," the Princess had hoped that the Mayor would not broach the subject. "You will doubtless understand that our obligations to Fillydelphia are paramount- "

"What?!" Mayor Mare let out a barely-restrained yell. The royal guards gave her a visual warning.

" -and preliminary reports seem to indicate that the infestation was brought into Ponyville," the Ruler of Equestria overrode her subordinate's protests. "I apologize, but Ponyville's eligibility for aid will have to be assessed at a later time."

Mayor Mare tried her best to appear normal, despite the fact that her insides were tearing themselves apart with rage. "Right," was all that she could muster.

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

Mayor Mare started long and hard at Fluttershy, who was trembling uncontrollably in the leather seat opposite.

Silence. The tan pony had no intention of initiating conversation.

The yellow pegasus gradually, excruciatingly worked up the courage to speak. "I... I'm sorry, May- " she whispered.

"What?" the Mayor responded angrily.

"I... I... I'm... eep!" Fluttershy buried her face in her hooves and curled up in the chair, not daring to look at her enraged boss.

Mayor Mare decided to cut this charade short. "Ranger Fluttershy, in any other circumstance I would have had you dismissed on the spot. But for now, you will help us determine the best boundaries for Ponyville's sector of the Everfree Forest Quarantine Zone."

On cue, Security Chief Delta Force took out a map of Ponyville and its environs and smoothed it on the table. "Ma'am," he gruffly said to Fluttershy.

The quivering yellow pegasus remained mired in terror and self-hate.

"Ranger Fluttershy," the red stallion repeated impatiently.

No effect.

"Ranger Fluttershy," the tan mare menaced through gritted teeth. "Don't. Make. This. Harder. Than. It. Already. Is!"

The pegasus let out a little squeal, fear of this new threat fast overcoming her other terrors. She uncovered her head, just enough to see the two ponies glaring at her.

"Flu-tter-shy!" Mayor Mare took care to pronounce each syllable with undisguised malice.

The yellow pegasus gulped, cautiously raising her head to the level of the table. She slowly surveyed the map in front of her, taking frequent breaks to glance at the two officials.

"So, you see here," Delta Force put a hoof on the map. "Our border with the Everfree Forest is around ten furlongs. We start with the mountains here in the north- " the Security Chief slowly swept his hoof down the length of the paper, "- we have the ground in front of the river, we have the Everfree Bridleway, we have the farms, and then, the border."

"Umm... okay," Fluttershy eyed the two ponies nervously. She put her own hoof on the map. "C-can I ask w-what you're g-going to... use?" she stammered, the words exerting a greater toll on her than any equine illness.

"Same thing as they're doing in Fillydelphia. Piles of scented edible things, intermixed with iron and other inedible items, in a concrete box that's only open on one end," the Security Chief replied. "Not a hundred percent foolproof, but we don't have any better choices."

Fluttershy turned her wide-eyed gaze back towards the map, shaking all the while. "W-well, you c-could t-try a l-line f-from the m-mountains," the pegasus dragged a skittish hoof across the map, making an incessant series of 'clop' noises, "- to the river, a-along this c-creek and a-along t-the boundary of S-s-sweet... Sweet... " Fluttershy's internal strength was fast failing her. Her eyes darted nervously between her two superiors.

"That boundary just happens to put your house within the Non-Quarantine Zone," Mayor Mare commented semi-innocently.

The yellow pegasus broke out into a cold sweat, not realizing, until now, the political incorrectness of her plan. "Uh... uh... oh!" she said, her mind flailing wildly for a solution, dark scenarios of disgrace and humiliation racing through her mind. "I... I... oh!"

Just when all seemed lost, the pegasus came across some sudden, panicked inspiration. "H-here! Mountains - River - Canterlot Trunk Road!" she gabbed in one fearful breath, her hoof swiping at the map.

Mayor Mare smiled to herself as Ranger Fluttershy, now staring doggedly at the table, audibly gasped for air. The pegasus had, in her haste, neglected political considerations once again. The new boundary ran near the edge of Ponyville's built-up areas - excluding not only Fluttershy's home, but also Sweet Apple Acres.

Perhaps the time has come again for land reform.

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"Please, Mayor, you can't keep Sweet Apple Acres outta the Zone!" Applejack had prostrated herself on the ground in a futile attempt to change the Mayor's mind. "We've already lost the barn! If you do this, it's gonna be the end of us Apples!"

"Ms. Applejack," Mayor Mare reassured the farm pony. "This is not our decision to make. We are simply following the Ranger Survey's recommendations."

"Ranger Survey? But that's- " something clicked within the orange pony's brain. "Why, that Fluttershy! I'm goin' to show her... "

"No, no, no, Ms. Applejack," the Mayor mentioned quickly, seeking to forestall any acts of revenge. "This is the Ranger Survey's recommendations we're following."

"But ain't Fluttershy a Ranger?" Applejack said, looking up at the tan pony. "So she made the- "

"As I said, this is the Ranger Survey's recommendations," Mayor Mare repeated.

"So Fluttershy drew- "

"This is the Ranger Survey's recommendations, Ms. Applejack." The tan pony interrupted with an air of finality.

"But... argh!" the farm pony had bigger fish to fry at the moment. "Mayor, whatever this map is, please put Sweet Apple Acres within the Zone! Please!" she begged.

"Can't you move your apple trees somewhere else? You may have some time," the Mayor suggested sweetly.

"No Mayor, please!" Applejack continued to plead, tears beginning to form in her eyes. "Sweet Apple Acres' where the Apples began! It's the only land we have which is 100% Apples through and through! Please, please, please, don't do this to us! You gotta do somethin'!"

Victory is at hand! Mayor Mare let the tension build up a little more. Once more, she regarded the farm pony in front of her: normally so proud, so active- now reduced to a sniffing, begging heap, passively awaiting her fate... wow, so this must be what sadists get high on.

Satisfied, Mayor Mare finally sighed. "Well, Ms. Applejack, we do have a solution- "

"Do you? Do you?" Applejack jumped up and clambered onto the Mayor's desk eagerly. "Please tell me, Mayor, please; I'll do it, I'll definitely do it!"

"Hmm... " the Mayor decided to leave the orange mare hanging for a while longer. "It's not what we could call 'above-table'... "

"Come on, Mayor; it'll be our secret, it'll be our little secret," Applejack winked one eye in touchy anticipation.

"There are clauses, you see, within the Quarantine Law," the Mayor mused, "that allow for a special defense of government property... "

"And- " The orange mare's eyes shot open at the realization. "But that... does it... we gotta sell Sweet Apple Acres to you?" she blurted out. "But- "

"It's only going to be a formal ownership." The Mayor remarked nonchalantly. Well at first, anyway.

The orange mare found it hard to digest the information. "B-but... isn't that the same as... I... "

"It's the only way, Ms. Applejack, as far as I can see," the tan pony explained, shaking her head for emphasis.

Applejack bit her lip, nervously weighing pros against cons. "Mayor Mare... I don't... we-we can't... "

The orange pony walked to the window, looking at the distant apple groves. She gulped. "I need to... Big Mac... but... " The farm pony sighed and closed her eyes in contemplation. Slowly thinking. Slowly weighing. Slowly concluding-

"Alright. Guess there ain't any point in ownin' somethin' that don't exist," the farm mare finally admitted. "Mayor, I agree. Give me a few days to convince the rest of 'em," exhaling audibly, Applejack opened her eyes again, as if she had just entered into the world for the first time.

She eventually recovered. "Well, thank you, Mayor, I guess," she remarked, trotting out of the door. "I'll get back to you ASAP. And I'll make sure not one word of this gets out."

Mayor Mare breathed her sigh of relief. "Thank you, Applejack!" she waved.

I win! The tan pony enjoyed a blessed two days.

*

The Hall of Reception, Canterlot

"Mayor," the Princess mentioned as soon as the tan pony had taken her seat. "Apologies for the summons once again, but I believe this will be a well-appreciated one."

"Thank you, Your Highness!" the Mayor chirped, still giddy from her triumph over the Apples.

"I am very much heartened to know that the Parasprite infestation has remained contained within the Everfree Forest," the alicorn said, levitating over a cup of tea. "Now, with control thus established, we can start the cure."

The Mayor's heart stopped for a second. No, no. "You mean, find a cure?" she clarified, hoping against hope that her ears were at fault here.

Now it was the Princess' turn to beam. "And here we see why this meeting shall be well-appreciated: no, I have found a cure!"

"W-what!?" the tan mare wheezed, horrorstruck.

The alicorn raised an eyebrow. "Surely this is a good thing, Mayor Mare."

"I... " the Mayor couldn't believe that her plans had been foiled again. "I was just... amazed by... the speed of the discovery! Praise Your Highness!" she quickly prostrated herself on the ground.

The Ruler of Equestria chuckled. "That is very unnecessary, Mayor. Further analysis of the Fillydelphia Incident seemed to indicate that these Parasprites were not resistant to cold. Winter, therefore, will almost certainly be a most potent weapon against them."

"Your Highness, would that not upset the calendar by too great an amount?" Mayor Mare asked, pleading for a last-ditch miracle.

"Needs must. And I believe that the ponies wouldn't mind a few additional months of spring and summer," the Princess explained. "We'll just need to bring Winter Wrap-Up forward."

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

Well, at least this plan could fail with dignity.

"Ms. Applejack? Please come in!" A grimacing Mayor Mare ushered the orange pony into the room.

The farm pony came in, slightly perplexed. "Mayor, I'm not ready yet... Granny Smith's not quite there... " she started, taking her seat.

"No, no, Ms. Applejack!" Mayor Mare put on her best cheesy grin and waved Applejack's concerns away. "There will be no need for you to sell Sweet Apple Acres anymore!"

The orange pony's eyes widened. "Wha- did somebody find out?" she murmured, rapidly relapsing into depression. "I'm... I'm so sorry, I tried- "

"Oh, no no no, Ms. Applejack!" Mayor Mare patted the farm pony politely. "The Princess Celestia has decided to initiate winter a couple of months early so as to destroy the Parasprite infestation once and for all!"

Applejack's jaw slackened, the farm mare unable to believe that she had finally been liberated from the clutches of death. "But... but... by Celestia... that's amazin'!" She said, instinctively throwing her forelegs around the Mayor. "That's... praise Celestia, thank you so much!"

"No worries, Ms. Applejack," Mayor Mare cooed, determinedly suppressing the lingering bitterness in her heart.

The farm pony withdrew and looked at the Mayor right in the eye. "Thank you kindly for your offer, Mayor, even if I never had cause to use it. I owe you one."

"The pleasure's all mine, Ms. Applejack. Congratulations." Mayor Mare gently dismissed the farm pony.

S1E11: Winter Wrap-Up

Season 1 Episode 11 - Winter Wrap-Up

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Meeting with Mr. Rich [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"Now I don't remember much, but I sure as sugar did not see Filthy in them fields!" the voice of Caramel wafted over from the nearby table.

"And course, he wouldn't be in the skies either! So where'd he go?" Sassaflash's voice agreed.

"So you see," Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon whispered to his superior, "that's what the average Ponyvillian is talking about right now."

"Mm-hmm," Mayor Mare breathed, putting down her piece of paper. "So you're thinking that's what Filthy's meeting is about."

The gray stallion nodded. "Now if experience serves me well, you'll have a day before the Exp- "

"REALLY?" an eavesdropping Pinkie Pie gasped. "You'll only have a day before what? Before what, Mayor?"

A score of ponies stopped and turned to see what the fuss was all about.

"I- well I never, Ms. Pie!" Mayor Mare scolded the party pony. "I and Mr. Ribbon were discussing confidential business here!"

"Oh! Oh. Sorry," the pink mare withdrew with a cheesy grin. "I just thought that the way you two leant so close together, you may be discussing something really secret! Like really secret and fun! Like how you were saying you only had one day before- "

"Pinkie!" Mayor Mare yelled.

"Oh. Sorry!" Pinkie Pie's grin grew even cheesier. "I just can't help it, Mayor; sometimes this stuff is just so interesting, if I don't use a Pinkie Promise then I just get the urge to share it with everypony and- "

"All right, Ms. Pie." Crimson Ribbon interrupted. "We get it."

*

Rich Industries Main Office, Ponyville

"Sit, Mayor Mare," Filthy Rich, Ponyville's leading industrial baron, gestured to the chair opposite his desk. The businesspony reeked of cigars and fine wine.

"Yes, Mr. Rich," Mayor Mare acknowledged, following her biggest donor's command.

The industrial baron swiveled his chair back towards the window. "It is always nice to have a punctual springtime, Mayor."

"Indeed," the Mayor responded. "Ms. Sparkle was a great help this time 'round."

"How nice," Mr. Rich remarked half-heartedly. "anyway, Mayor Mare, I'm a busy stallion, so I'll make this short. Do you mind?"

"No, Mr. Rich." The tan mare didn't really have much choice in the matter.

"There have been... rumors, Mayor Mare," the magnate began. "Rumors about my... contributions to Ponyville."

"Oh?" Mayor Mare feigned ignorance. "Well, totally unfounded, I'm sure- "

"Yes... and no," the magnate said, pouring himself a glass of LaCheval 967. "Surely, Mayor, you agree that I have been of immense help to the economy of Ponyville- "

"Of course!" Mayor Mare reacted enthusiastically.

" -and so what's the problem with a few rounds of golf now and then?" the portly stallion mused, still facing out of the window. "Even if it is during Winter Wrap-Up... " He let his words drift off into the ether, patiently awaiting the tan mare's response.

A pause. "Perhaps," Mayor Mare finally suggested, "perhaps rumors can just be ignored- "

Wrong answer. Filthy Rich sighed. "Oh well, if I am that unappreciated amongst Ponyville citizens, perhaps I could just move my business elsewhere... "

"Oh, no no no! There's no need for that, Mr. Rich!" Mayor Mare jumped up in alarm. "I will do everything possible to sav- I mean, assist you, Mr. Rich!"

The industrial baron smiled. "Thank you, Mayor. You may go."

*

Ponyville Express Editor's Office, Ponyville

A bay unicorn stood up to welcome Mayor Mare into the morass of paper and ink that was the editor's office. "Musk Raker, Ma'am. Editor of the P.E."

"Thank you, Ms. Raker," the tan pony said.

"Now how can I help you, Mayor? I do hope you're not planning anything too suspicious," Ms. Raker warned. "we are allowed to publish anything we want. Within reason, of course."

The Mayor shook her head. "No, no, nothing of the sort - I just want to know, Ms. Raker, if you know anything about the truth of these rumors about Filthy Rich."

"Oh sure - read it all tomorrow! Front page news, I bet!" The bay mare said with unbridled glee.

The tan pony shook her head. "No, no, Ms. Raker, I meant if you knew anything about the truth of the rumors. Not just if you knew about them."

"To Tartaros if I know!" the editor shrugged. "But I mean, nobody saw Filthy Rich in Winter Wrap-Up, so he's got to be absent, right?"

Good, at least she doesn't have concrete evidence. "Ms. Raker, I need you to write a story that explicitly denies the rumors," the tan mare asserted.

The bay mare was perplexed. "Huh? Why don't you just issue an official communiqué then?"

"Mr. Rich's actions during Winter Wrap-Up hardly concern the government - I mean, cannot be seen to concern the government," the Mayor corrected herself.

"Right. And why is that?" the editor whipped out a notepad and clicked on her recording pen.

"Uh... national security," Mayor Mare tried to brush the question off.

"Come on, Mayor, you can tell me," Ms. Raker cooed innocently, batting her eyelids. "Only I need to know. Readers won't know."

"Well... " the Mayor tried, in vain, to think of some task that wouldn't put anypony in jeopardy. "umm... no. It's really important. National security."

Ms. Raker, thus rejected, drew back in a pout. "Mayor, the Ponyville Express does pride itself on having a strict journalistic code," she warned. "I will not publish your rumors on a whim."

"You won't publish my 'rumors'," Mayor Mare commented sarcastically, "but you'll publish the rumors of Ponyville citizens."

The editor shrugged. "Says a lot about the trustworthiness of Ponyville Government, really. You know that the tenure of Mayor Fields has left us very wary of you ponies."

Darn it! "Well, let me give you my solemn guarantee that- "

"No, Mayor," the bay pony's eyes narrowed. "Tell me what happened, and I'll put your story in the Express."

"Ms. Raker- "

"Then Mayor, you should quit while you're ahead," the editor opened the door to her office and gestured for her guest to leave. "Don't make me write a letter of protest to the Journalism Board."

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

"You know, since the Nightmare Moon Emergency Law is still technically in force, we could just nationalize the Ponyville Express and stop them from publishing this," Mayor Mare opined hopefully.

"We could, I suppose," Crimson Ribbon remarked. "But you are going to draw an inordinate amount of attention to the Emergency Law - which, I will not deny, has smoothed our paths in more ways than you can imagine."

"Grrr... " the tan mare gritted her teeth in frustration. "Isn't there something I can use to smother this story? A disaster, or a death, or something?"

"How about," the Secretary of Administration advised, "you take a half-victory, given the circumstances."

"A half-victory?" Mayor Mare queried. "How?"

"Well, let's admit it: there's no way you're going to totally quash the rumor without either risking censure from the Journalism Board, or fatally compromising your anti-established-interests image," the gray stallion noted. "Both equally unfortunate outcomes, need I remind you."

"I guess," the Mayor slumped her head onto the table.

"So let us spread another rumor of our own making. We sow the seeds of doubt and thus reduce the impact of the original rumor. Obviously you'd still have to explain yourself to Filthy, but it's much less painful this way."

"Well... " the tan mare exhaled. "Fine. It's not like I have a choice here."

*

The Library, Ponyville

The chatter and laughter of ponies filled the normally-sedate library. It was the post-Winter Wrap Up party - a time for ponies to get together, have a good time, and talk about recent happenings. The perfect time, therefore, for spreading gossip.

"Hello, Amethyst Star! Thank you again for your help... alright, where's Ms. Pie?" the Mayor trotted over to Crimson Ribbon.

The bureaucrat pointed at Pinkie Pie across the room. "She's got a clear line of vision. So we'll just huddle up and..." the gray stallion cleared his throat.

"Mayor, I've just realized what Filthy was up to during Winter Wrap-Up," he murmured mysteriously, glancing nervously around all the while.

"Really?" the Mayor widened her eyes and put her hoof to her mouth. "What happened?"

"It turns out that Filthy was actually on an expedition to... uh... the Garden of Hipporides. He was trying to find the legendary Golden Apple, the one from which ambrosia is made from..."

"So you mean Filthy, during Winter Wrap-Up, was actually on expedition to the Garden of Hipporides, in order to look for the legendary Golden Apple, the one from which ambrosia is made from?" Mayor Mare repeated in hushed tones, making sure all the details were transported into the ear of the pink pony behind her...

"Wow, REALLY?" Pinkie Pie interjected.

Everypony's head turned. The bureaucrat and the Mayor glared at the party pony in faux anger.

"Ms. Pie, you're doing it again!" the tan mare protested indignantly.

Pinkie Pie covered her mouth. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" she apologized profusely. "It's just that I heard you talk about Filthy Rich and the expedition to the Garden during Winter Wrap-Up for the Golden Apple and all that- "

"Pinkie!" Crimson Ribbon did not look happy at all. "You've done it again!"

Only then did the party pony realize what she had wrought. "Oh my, oh by Celestia, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to... "

"Pinkie!" Twilight's admonishing voice rang out. "I've told you before not to listen in on other ponies, and definitely not to reveal their secrets... !"

"I'm so sorry, Mayor Mare!" A remorseful Pinkie Pie grabbed the tan pony's forelegs, tears welling up in her eyes. "I didn't- "

"It's fine, Ms. Pie," the Mayor patted the party pony on the head. "Just don't do it next time."

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Pinkie Pie bounced back up in jubilation.

Regardless of Pinkie's apology, the 'damage' had been done. For as soon as the party resumed, the topics of conversation morphed, in line with the new reality.

"No wonder I didn't see Filthy around - he was trying to get the Golden Apple!"

"I wonder what he saw? I've heard that the Apple is guarded by a six-headed Griffon!"

"By Celestia, I never thought that Filthy would have the guts to even try that!"

*

Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"PONYVILLE EXPRESS DAWN EDITION - FILTHY RICH PART OF A SECRET EXPEDITION?"

"Well," Mayor Mare said, tossing the Ponyville Express to one side, "at least now, nopony's going to blame Filthy for being absent during Winter Wrap-Up."

"I did say that it was only going to be a half-victory, Ma'am," Crimson Ribbon reminded the Mayor.

The tan pony smiled gratefully at the bureaucrat. "Thank you, again, Mr. Ribbon, for saving all of our flanks. Don't know what would have happened if he just packed and left."

"In all fairness," the gray stallion said, "that would have fulfilled one of your campaign goals."

"Campaign goals?" the Mayor asked skeptically, consulting her agenda again. "It says here that my goal is to break the Apples- "

"No, no, Mayor, your goal was to break the entrenched interests of Ponyville. You just decided to start with the Apples first."

"Really? But... " the Mayor suddenly remembered. "ah... but surely, Filthy's the right type of entrenched interest! He's really important! To Ponyville!" she added as an afterthought.

Crimson Ribbon smiled. "I see. In that case, May I remind you that you are nearing the mid-point of your tenure, and you still do not seem to have made any headway regarding your objective... "

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Using one rumor to deflect another is probably a common political tactic (of course, it's not proveable), e.g. Romney using the VP pick rumor to deflect criticism of Bain Capital in 2012.]

S1E12: Call of the Cutie

Season 1 Episode 12 - Call of the Cutie

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Addressing the Complaints re: Ms. Applejack's Stall [ ]

A. Review of Our Policy on Market Vendors [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

Mayor Mare put the piece of paper down, regarding the plaintiffs in front of her. "Thank you all very much for taking the time out to discuss your complaints with me. So, you have all come here to complain about Ms. Applejack's stall?"

"Yes!" Berry Punch said. "Her sister's marketing skills were simply unacceptable! I got myself into a terrible fright because of her threats!"

"She stole my racket and now it's ruined from all the apple juice!" Ace protested.

"She wouldn't stop pestering me until I bought something!" Dr. Whooves complained.

"She ruined my magnificent painting!" Ponet whined.

"She tried to force on me a whole bucket of apples!" Bon Bon clamored. "I'm so sure that Lyra would never have let this happen in Pony- "

"Alright, alright, I understand!" Mayor Mare hastily calmed the group down. "I now see what the problem is - and, of course, this is an issue we in the government will take very seriously... "

"So how are you going to punish them?" Carrot Top pressed. "Her sister was selling her own goods from my stall!"

"Um... I... er... " the Mayor's political courage failed her. She turned back and looked at her Secretary for Administration, Crimson Ribbon. "Answer them, please!" she mouthed.

The gray stallion obliged. "We can't punish them," he answered the group.

The plaintiffs' eyes narrowed. "Why not?" Bon Bon menaced. "Lyra would never let this- "

"There's no law against it, Ma'am," the Secretary for Administration replied smoothly. "Ponyville doesn't have a law regulating market stalls."

"What!?" the beige mare yelled. "Ly- "

"We could, of course, charge Apple Bloom for treason, I guess," Crimson Ribbon mused. "if that is what you, Ms. Bon, personally want... "

"Well... I... but... no, don't!" Lyra's housemate backtracked frantically. "We just want to see some action to protect us consumers!"

"And that we will most certainly do!" Mayor Mare, jumping back in charge, insisted. "We are coming up with some basic ideas for regulation at this very moment - don't you worry, all of you! We'll make sure all citizens have some input in the matter!"

*

The Town Hall Atrium, Ponyville

Mayor Mare looked around at the assembled crowd. "First of all, thank you all for coming here, fillies and gentlecolts. As you all know, this gathering has been specially convened because of the exceptional amount of complaints we've received regarding the behavior of... a certain market stall." The tan mare caught a glimpse of Applejack, way back near the door, covering her face with her Stetson in shame.

The Mayor continued. "In response, the Ponyville Government has decided to begin the process of drafting regulations regarding the operation of market stalls- "

"But that's an infringement on the freedom of trade!" a heckler burst out in indignation, diverting the whole assembly's attention. "You're taking us down the path to communism- "

"That's not true!" the voice of Twilight Sparkle reprimanded. "Even the Wealth of Equestria doesn't allow for unbridled forms of commerce... "

The heckler's attention thus absorbed in intellectual debate, Mayor Mare thought it best to continue onwards. "As I was saying, we are drafting some regulations regarding the operations of market stalls. Staff are now passing the abbreviated versions of the Green Paper to you."

The Mayor read from her notes. "So, as you can read, at present we don't have any regulations governing operations in the market stalls. This could lead to unfortunate situations, such as the aforementioned incident."

The crowd murmured in agreement, save for that one heckler who yelled, nonwithstanding Twilight's challenges, that "Freedom is dead in Ponyville!".

"So, let us have a vote then, on whether Ponyville should agree to the regulation of market stalls? I will remind you that a two-thirds majority is needed to pass. Abstaining is not allowed this time 'round," Mayor Mare declared. "Raise your hooves, those who agree!"

The majority of hooves shot up. "256 yes, 1 no, 171 votes needed to pass!" the head teller announced.

"Alright, then!" Mayor Mare, satisfied, moved on to the next item of her agenda. "Now, let us see what specific kinds of regulation we want to see in the market."

*

1. Vendors cannot cause significant public nuisance when they advertise.

"Any thoughts?" Mayor Mare opened up the floor to the assembly.

"I agree totally with this!" the sonorous voice of Ace rang throughout the assembly. "Vendors shouldn't cause any public nuisances at all - like not advertising your apples with my racket!"

"Hear, hear!" Ponet and a couple other ponies stomped the ground in agreement.

"Now wait just a minute, y'all!" Applejack interjected cautiously. "What d'you mean by 'significant public nuisance'? 'Cause this pony's voice can travel some way!"

"Oh! By Celestia, thanks for the reminder!" Carrot Top's voice emerged. "Mayor, we vendors can't support this rule if it means that we won't be able to advertise at all!"

"Hear Hear! We're not supporting this!" Colgate cried, eliciting another round of stomping.

The Mayor tried to assuage these fears. "Of course, we're going to have a special-duty officer to assess these charges- "

"Another civil servant?" Lyra Heartstring's exclamation could be heard throughout the Town Hall. "More taxes?"

"More taxes!" the crowd repeated in horror. "Boo! No! No!" More hostile stomping.

Ace was unnerved at this sudden change in fortune. "Ponies, not everything in life's about taxes-"

"Don't you dare strip us of our livelihood because of your personal vendetta!" Lemon Hearts snapped.

"What- at least we're putting our interests after the interests of Ponyvillians!" Blue Bonnet took a swipe.

The 'nay' crowd shrieked in anger. "Boo! Hiss! Shame! Shame!" The 'yea' crowd, seeing this, quickly responded with retorts of their own. Pieces of Green Paper began to be thrown everywhere as the ponies turned against each other. The situation was fast getting out of control.

"Fillies and gentlecolts!" Mayor Mare tried to calm tensions to no avail.

Ponies were now actively punching and casting magic spells at each other, occasionally being separated by a purple blast from Twilight's horn. But there was only so much that the unicorn could do to end the bickering.

"FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS!" the tan mare finally found a megaphone. She screamed at the top of her voice.

Startled into reality, the two factions grudgingly returned to their seats.

"Now, let's have a vote on this, shall we? Simple majority required to pass!" Mayor Mare decided not to push the issue any further. "And abstaining is allowed this time 'round! So, those who agree, raise your hooves! Right, now those who disagree!"

The teller returned with the results. "90 yes, 105 no; 129 required to pass!"

Just great. "Alright then," Mayor Mare continued, moving on to the next proposal.

*

2. Vendors cannot harass potential customers to buy their goods.

Seems uncontroversial enough. "Let's open up the floor, then!" the Mayor said, hoping that the previous tussle would be a one-off.

"I support this motion!" Dr. Whooves boomed out. "Vendors shouldn't be allowed to chase me down Mane Street, asking if I wanted to buy apples!"

"Hear, hear!" the sound of stomping reverberated around the room.

"But what counts as harassment?" Cherry Berry sought clarification. "Again, if I call out to the crowd in general, does that count as harassment?"

"We define it as 'threatening or disturbing action'. For each individual case, I think it will have to be judged on a 'case-by-case' basis." Mayor Mare explained.

"But then, where's the benefit to the consumer?" A crestfallen Dr. Whooves challenged. "By the time you've decided what's harassment and what's not, I've already bought the darn thing!"

"Urgh, Dr. Whooves, really?" Lily Valley couldn't resist the opportunity to avenge past grievances. "You really want to push us vendors to the limit?"

"I'm just fighting for the right to be treated fairly!" Dr. Whooves said. Shouts of "Hear, hear!" and stomping ensue.

"What, so you think we're trying to cheat you now?" Daisy jumped in defense of her friend. More stomping and shouts of "Go get'em, girl!" emanate from the crowd.

"I just want to defend my- OW!" Dr. Whooves' monologue was cut short by a rotten orange meeting his face. "Alright, WHO DID THAT!" he roared, picking up the orange and tossing it back into the opposing crowd, who promptly responded with more fruit and veg.

The situation was fast spinning out of control again. "Fillies and gentlecolts, FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS!" Mayor Mare resorted to the megaphone. "Let's not resort to physical violence, fillies and gentlecolts!"

After some lengthy struggle, the tan mare's words finally registered in the heads of the mob, and they once again separated.

"She started it!" Dr. Whooves pointed an accusing hoof at Daisy.

"Wha- I did not!" the pink mare protested.

The tan mare was in no mood to adjudicate. "Let's just have the votes."

The teller soon returned with results. "102 yes, 109 no; 129 needed to pass!"

Oh dear.

*

3. Vendors must respect the consumer's right to browse.

"I agree with this notion!" Berry Punch raised her hoof. "I should be allowed to pick and choose before I buy!"

"But what about the book stalls?" Shortround exclaimed. "I can't just have ponies reading all my books and newspapers while they're browsing!"

Berry Punch rolled her eyes. "You again! Can't you just look at it from the consumer's point of view for once?"

"When I close down, it doesn't do much good for you either!" the short stallion retorted.

Partisans on each side began to jeer again, confident in their own righteousness. "Shame! Shame! Shame! Boo!"

"All of you! Can't you just calm down?!" Twilight Sparkle's voice pleaded over the maelstrom. "This is important for Ponyville- "

Too late. Somepony picked up a nearby saddlebag and threw it across the aisle. "Oh, no!" Twilight exclaimed, enthralling it with her magic. But, yet again, the Princess' favorite was only one unicorn, and she couldn't handle the projectiles that were raining on both camps.

"FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS! PONIES! CALM DOWN!" the Mayor yelled into her megaphone again. "STOP THIS, RIGHT NOW... !"

Eventually, with everypony back in their seats and with a few extra bruises, the teller approached the Mayor with the results. "107 yes, 115 no; 129 required to pass!"

*

4. Vendors cannot force goods onto a consumer's hooves without the latter's agreement.

"Now, fillies and gentlecolts, please let's not have any more violence!" Mayor Mare chided the two sides. "Let's try and discuss this like civilized poni- "

"If the other side's voting for it, then I'm definitely voting against it," Starlight declared in a huff. "I'm not going to support anything championed by those ponies."

"Hay, we're not asking for your approval, if you noticed!" Strawberry Cream sneered. "As if your opinions mattered!"

"What did you say?!I swear I'll- " angry hisses and yells echoed around the building for the fourth time, quickly followed by another round of shelling.

"FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS, FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS!" Mayor Mare screamed in vain.

The tan mare never thought she would live to hear those glorious, meeting-ending words: "120 yes, 130 no; 129 required to pass!"

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

Mayor Mare looked long and hard at Applejack. "As you know, Ms. Applejack, the town hall meeting was a complete and utter disaster."

The orange mare lowered her head. "I'm sorry to hear that, Mayor. I'm sure it was just some of them ponies being a tad touchy. Nothin' major. We're gonna laugh 'bout it in a few days or so."

"No, no, Ms. Applejack, now I don't have anything to show for it," Mayor Mare explained. "I promised I would do something, and now, I haven't, thanks to that meeting."

"I'm sorry. I know it was kind of my fault for bringin' the whole issue up in the first place," the pony remarked remorsefully.

"I'm glad you know that, Ms. Applejack," the tan mare remarked. "Because you're going to help me."

"Huh?" the farm pony raised her head in shock. "Me? Help you? How?"

Mayor Mare slid Applejack a small booklet. "This is our White Paper, regarding the Market Stall Regulations that we're planning on introducing. You will find that we're going to introduce the same laws that we proposed in the Green Paper."

"Uh, didn't the town vote against them... ?" the farm pony asked, slightly skeptical.

"Technically, those votes weren't binding on our actions," the tan mare contended. "They were only there to assess the mood. So I don't need to respect them."

"Uh, okay, Mayor; so how do I help?"

"Remember that favor your owe me?"

The farm pony nodded.

"When we announce this," the Mayor said, pointing to the White Paper, "everypony's going to say that we've ignored the wishes of Ponyvillians. I've explained to you why I can do that."

"Right, but they'll still think like so," Applejack noted.

"So here's where you come in. I need you to sell this to all your family, all your fellow vendors, all your employees. I need you to make sure they understand that this regulation is important. And that they'd better darn well support it."

"Um... ok," the orange mare said. "I'm not that good at persuasion, myself- "

"You're the vendor in the middle of all this, Ms. Applejack. Your support will carry a lot of weight."

"Uh... Mayor, I've never done this before... " Applejack shifted uncomfortably.

"Ms. Applebloom wasn't registered with the Labor Office, was she?" Mayor Mare threatened.

"I... " the farm pony's head sank in defeat. "Oh alright, Mayor. I'll see what I can do."

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) Green/White Papers are procedures used by British and American countries to assess the public's reaction to certain government policies. 2) Town Hall meetings are a feature of local political life in New England.]

S1E14: Suited For Success

Season 1 Episode 14 - Suited For Success

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. SPECIAL NOTE: Elections for the chairponyship of the PEA. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family. [ ]

"Ah, sorry, Ma'am. I should have made that clearer," Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon peered over the piece of paper that Mayor Mare was reading. "In case you don't know, PEA stands for the Ponyville Enterprise Association. The largest small-business association out there. Mainly market vendors and Mane Street sellers."

"Mm-hmm," the bespectacled mare nodded unenthusiastically. "You know, I still haven't been able to do anything about Point Two... "

"You're only halfway through your tenure," the bureaucrat answered. "Things can still happen."

"Oh, sure. I'll just wait until the voters- "

Briiing! The dainty little phone on the Mayor's table cut their conversation short. "Thank you, Mr. Ribbon," she said, signaling for the gray stallion to leave.

The tan pony picked up the receiver. "Hello; this is the Mayor's office: how can I help you today?" Mayor Mare sang those well-rehearsed lines. A little effort can go a long way with these ego-conscious donors.

"Is this Mayor Mare's office?" a bored mare responded on the other end.

"Yes, is there something I can- "

"Mr. Pants will speak to you now, Mayor." The line cut out with a curt beep.

Typical Canterlot sec's. Mayor Mare thought. All it takes is one job with some high-flyer for them to treat everypony else like-

The line crackled back into life. "Mayor."

"Ah. Mr. Pants, how are you today?" the bespectacled mare began.

"Good, good, Mayor: now let's get to the topic, shall we?" Fancy Pants moved swiftly. "You see, I have heard that the chairponyship of the Ponyville Enterprise Association has been vacated."

"Indeed it has, Mr. Pants." Oh great, I just know what is going to happen...

"Thank you, Mayor. Now, I have a relative who wants an... introduction into Equestrian politics, so to speak. Is it possible that- "

"Mr. Pants," the Mayor declared sternly. "You know we aren't legally allowed to interfere with the election procedures of private organizations... "

"I see," Fancy Pants sounded vaguely crestfallen. "In that case, let me not bother you any further... "

" ...although," the tan pony responded hastily, "if your friend merely wants an introduction into the political sphere, we are more than happy to assist him. In any way possible, of course."

A knowing pause. "Good, Mayor," Fancy Pants replied. "Thank you for your help." The line abruptly switched off.

"A pleasure," the Mayor murmured.

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

"You know," Cheerilee remarked as she riffed through the Foal Free Press, "I don't understand this whole fuss over Rarity's clothes. They just seem so... well, fancy. I wouldn't wear them in Ponyville."

"That's why Hoity Toity likes them, and not you, not me," Mayor Mare responded, her head buried in the Ponyville Express. "And besides, your dress sense was never any good, even during the best of times."

The violet mare huffed. "It was experimental. Some experiments just fail, alright?"

"Sure, sure," the Mayor was unwilling to retread this well-worn path. "Oh, by the way, is there anything on the PEA elections in that rag?"

Cheerilee's ears twitched in annoyance. "You shouldn't belittle little fillies like that!" she hissed, nevertheless flipping through the pages. "Hmm... well, here's Diamond Tiara's column... seems like Filthy's nephew is going to run as a candidate. And apparently he'll definitely win hands down. Typical Diamond."

"Guess I'll be waiting for Filthy's phone call as well, then," Mayor Mare sighed in resignation, half-heartedly scanning the business pages. "At least Lyra isn't run- "

"Hello, Mrs. Cake!" As if on cue, the lime-green mare's voice entered through the door. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine, Lyra," the baker answered. "Mayor's here now, if you mares want to talk."

"Oh. Is she?" Lyra's voice deepened in disappointment. "Oh. You're here."

"Hi." Mayor Mare replied with all the emotion of a dead fish.

The minty mare glared at her political nemesis for only the briefest of moments. "Anyway, Mrs. Cake," she chirped once again, "I just want to ask for your support in the upcoming PEA elections! Because, you know, Ponyville now is in need of some real change, and I believe that we can achieve it through reform from the ground up... "

The Mayor Mare slurped her drink as loudly as possible, earning a silent rebuke from Cheerilee. "You're acting like a jerk," the elementary teacher mouthed.

Mayor Mare rolled her eyes. Guess it's time for some real intervention.

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"Real intervention, you say?" Crimson Ribbon raised a suspicious eyebrow. "I thought you were already doing that with Fancy's candidate. And soon, with Filthy's candidate as well."

"Well, I wasn't going to take it that seriously... but now, it is ON!" the Mayor scowled. "Lyra's not getting that position while my flank is on this seat! In fact, scratch that, Lyra won't be getting any position as long as I'm here!"

"As you wish, Mayor." The Secretary for Administration already knew what the Mayor was thinking.

The tan mare spelled out her reasoning anyway. "If I let Lyra have the PEA, she'll get a public profile! Even worse, she'll be getting a public profile with small businessponies! You got that!?" she exclaimed in exasperation. "Small businessponies! MY small businessponies!"

"Yes, I understand, Mayor." The bureaucrat gave every polite indication possible to halt the Mayor's little rant.

Mayor Mare sank back into her seat, her pool of emotions suitably drained.

"The problem is, of course," the gray stallion continued, "who you are going to support."

"Well, Fancy Pants, of course," the Mayor responded instinctively.

"I doubt Filthy Rich would like that."

"Well then: Filthy Rich," the Mayor said.

The bureaucrat wasn't sure if the tan mare was being serious. "Then what about Fancy Pants?"

"Oh I don't know!" the tan pony threw her forelegs up in exasperation. "Why can't things just be straightforward?"

Crimson Ribbon cleared his throat. "To be honest, Ma'am, the answer's quite straightforward here, given the circumstances."

"Oh?" Mayor Mare was intrigued. "In what way?"

The bureaucrat ruffled through his saddlebags. "You see, here's the CV that Fancy Pants sent over yesterday regarding his candidate." He passed a pitifully empty piece of paper to his superior.

The Mayor read the resume. "Syco Pants.... studied at Oaton College... read Classics at Oatsford... interned in Pants And Son, Co. ... wait, he hasn't graduated yet?"

"A kinder pony might say, Ma'am, that 'he is graduating'."

The Mayor looked up. "Surely not even Fancy Pants has the gall to send over this person to me."

The bureaucrat shrugged. "Most of the ones during Mayor Fields' tenure were parachuted in," he mentioned, almost as an aside. "They had the deputies do all the real work."

"Well, not under my tenure," Mayor Mare defiantly scrunched up the paper and dunked it into the wastebasket. "Guess I'll be throwing most of my support behind Filthy Rich, then."

"Ah, well." Another piece of paper was passed along the desk.

"Born Rich... studied at Oaton College... read Classics at Oatsford... interned in Rich Industries, Co.... just great." Mayor Mare scrunched up the piece of paper and it joined Syco Pant's CV in the wastebasket. "I mean, I could have worked with them if there was a chance of them winning. But I can't make them win. And I know what you're thinking- " she looked at the bureaucrat straight in the eye. "That nosey Lyra will definitely find out if I stuff the boxes. Plus it's illegal."

"You have your priorities in the right order, Ma'am," the gray stallion faked a smile.

The tan mare grumbled. "So I'm guessing the straightforward solution here is to accept Lyra Heartstrings' inevitable victory."

"No, Ma'am," the bureaucrat's brain whirred into action. "Now have you ever heard of a dark horse?"

*

The Marketplace, Ponyville

Mayor Mare cleared her throat, regarding the assembled throng in front of her. She had picked the perfect occasion to make her speech - on a weekend, on a sunny day, and in the middle of the busiest place in Ponyville. If only Town Planning would give ME permission to hold my election rally here.

"Ahem," the Mayor called the chattering masses to attention. "Fillies and Gentlecolts of Ponyville! Today, as you can see, is a very special occasion for Ponyville! All our history, we have been a town that has prided itself on excellence! Whether it be Zap Apples, Sugar Cupcakes, or Sweet Syrup, Ponyville has always been a town that has influenced the tastes of Equestria!"

"Whooo!" the ponies below hollered and stomped the ground in a show of local pride.

"And now, we have a new star on the list!" Mayor Mare voice quivered with emotion. "A new pony who will bring fame and glory to Ponyville! A new pony whose creations will amaze Equestria from Vanhoover to Mexicolt! Fillies and Gentlecolts of Ponyville... Miss Rarity!"

The crowd exploded in a fit of shouting and stomping. Twilight Sparkle and her friends, at the behest of Spike, added to the atmosphere by liberally showering confetti onto the raucous crowd.

"Ra-ri-ty! Ra-ri-ty! Ra-ri-ty!" These chants rolled across the crowd in a thunderous wave.

To think that just a week ago they were booing her... but now was not the time for Mayor Mare's thoughts to lead her astray. Rarity, her face slightly pink with embarrassment, was trotting up the stairs. The tan pony quickly went to receive her and led the unicorn towards the stage.

"For those who are so behind the times," Mayor Mare elicited laughter from her audience, "Miss Rarity here has put Ponyville firmly on the fashion map! Her beautiful designs have attracted the gaze of that most discerning of Canterlotians - Hoity Toity himself!"

"Hooray!" the crowd responded, their hooves creating another thunderous stampede.

"And for this marvellous achievement, we are delighted to present Miss Rarity with the Golden Apple Award, given only to those few, who have made a great contribution to the town of Ponyville!"

"Hooray!" "To Ponyville!" "Ra-ri-ty! Ra-ri-ty! Ra-ri-ty!"

"Oh, thank you so very, very much, Mayor!" the fashion pony nervously received her delicate trophy, conscious of the massive crowd, so maniacally, so deafeningly cheering her on. No fashion show could even come close to preparing her for this.

"Ra-ri-ty! Ra-ri-ty! Ra-ri-ty!"

"Would you like to say a few words, Miss Rarity?" the tan pony entreated the unicorn.

"Oh. Oh!" the unicorn stuttered, slowly moving up to speak. "Ahem. Ponyvillians... "

"Ra-ri-ty! Ra-ri-ty! Ra-ri-ty..."

"Thank you, everypony!" Rarity tried in vain to raise her voice above the crowd. "Thank you all for giving me inspiration - for giving me hope - for being my friends! Oh, thank you, thank you so much, everypony! I- I- I will treasure this trophy always, forever and ever! I promise... I promise that I'll never let any of you down! Thank you, everypony! Thank you, thank you!"

The unicorn returned the stage to Mayor Mare. The for the climax. "Let's have three cheers for Miss Rarity: Hip, hip- "

"Hooray!"

"Hip, hip-"

"Hooray!"

"Hip, hip!"

"HOORAY!" Another burst of confetti from Twilight Sparkle and her friends, as the ponies screamed and shouted until their voices turned hoarse and stomped and thumped until their hooves became sore.

"Thank you all so much for coming here, to join me in honoring Miss Rarity!" Mayor Mare finally reached the crux of her speech. "Oh, and just as a reminder, for all of you small business owners: tomorrow's the Ponyville Enterprise Association Chairpony election! Remember to nominate and vote for your candidate in Town Hall!"

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"I'm sorry, Mr. Pants... I hope you understand that young Mr. Pants simply chose the wrong time to stand as PEA chairpony!" Mayor Mare made shooing gestures at her Secretary of Administration, who had just entered the room. "Yes, yes, Mr. Pants. As I'm sure you know, Miss Rarity's recent achievements have earned her the endearment of our businessponies - it's very hard to top that advantage!"

"It's Miss Rarity," Crimson Ribbon mouthed.

The Mayor nodded in response, "Tell her to come in," she mouthed back. "Mr. Pants, how about if I place young Mr. Pants on the Firepony's Board, once he's gone through some basic training? You'll consider it? Thank you. My apologies again for the incident, and I'm grateful that you understand. Alright. Goodbye."

The fashion pony entered the room soon after the Mayor put down her receiver. "Look who it is! The new chairpony of the PEA!" the tan mare stood up to welcome Rarity. "And I heard that you even got nominated by them!"

"Mayor," the unicorn said with trepidation. "I... don't want to sound... ungrateful to Ponyville, but... "

"What's the matter, Miss Rarity?" Mayor Mare inquired, inviting her guest to sit.

Rarity sat down. "I mean, it is an honor, being elected chairpony of the association... but I... I just don't think I'm the right mare for the job."

"In what way, Miss Rarity?" the Mayor put out a comforting smile.

"Well, I... " the white unicorn considered. "I just don't have the time, the clothes business is getting pretty busy as you know, and a lot of the PEA stuff seems to deal with things I don't have any experience in... so I'm not sure that I can represent the interests of the business community effectively," she explained apologetically.

Mayor Mare let out a small snort of laughter. "Oh, is that it?"

"Whatever do you mean, is that it? This is a rather big issue!"

The Mayor reclined back into her seat. "Well, Miss Rarity, let me teach you how to use your deputies..."

S1E15: Feeling Pinkie Keen

Season 1 Episode 15 - Feeling Pinkie Keen

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Hydra at Foggy Bottom Bog [ ]

2. Sparkle v. Ponyville Moving Company [ ]

3. Change in the Chairponyship of the Ponyville Small Business Association [ ]

4. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"Miss Rarity," the Mayor looked up from her piece of paper. "I thought I had already shown you how to delegate your responsibilities to the Association Deputies. Was there something else that was the matter?"

The white unicorn shook her head. "No, Mayor... I followed your advice and, I have to say, it was very much appreciated. But I'm afraid this upcoming court case between Twilight Sparkle and the Ponyville Moving Company is going to put me in an untenable position... "

"Of course," Mayor Mare had to agree. After all, the Ponyville Enterprise Association was meant to protect the interests of small businesses. Being a chairpony who was clearly biased in favor of the plaintiff was hardly going to do Rarity any favors. "But still, with this resignation, you're going to make the record books, Miss Rarity. Shortest tenure ever."

"Oh, I don't really mind that, I guess," the fashion pony waved such concerns aside. "And it's a shame, for sure, but I think I would do less damage to the PEA, if I stepped down before this case develops any further."

"Right. And do you have any plans with regards to who succeeds you as chairpony?"

The white pony mulled it over for a while. "Well, I was thinking of another election- "

"Miss Rarity," the Mayor hastily said, knowing full well that an election would result in the ascension of bitter rival Lyra Heartstrings. "Elections are time-consuming and expensive."

"True, that. Perhaps I will just hand the seat over to my deputy, then. He's been doing all the real work, anyway."

"All right," the Mayor made a mental note to meet this new deputy later. "Thank you for informing me, Miss Rarity. I'm sure the PEA will be sad to see you go."

*

Rarity left and Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon appeared in her stead. "So: about this Hydra," the gray stallion began.

"Forget it," the Mayor said dismissively.

The gray stallion prodded his superior on. "This might be a security risk, Mayor."

"Seriously?" the Mayor asked casually. "It's Froggy Bottom Bog. It's in the middle of the Everfree Forest. No Hydra's going to think about coming all the way here."

"It's your head if one does."

"Well, it's my head if it does," Mayor Mare answered, picking up her half-read copy of the Ponyville Express. "And it's my head if it doesn't. Ponies complaining about how their tax bills are being used to fund the militia and the killing of native species. That's how it always is," the Mayor zeroed in on the story about Twilight's lawsuit. "Just best to pretend the danger doesn't exist, and apply for the Emergency Fund if it does."

"As you wish, Ma'am." The gray stallion had little taste for the militia life, himself. "Just making sure you've thought of all the implications before- "

"I bet you ten bits there won't be any implications," Mayor Mare poked her head over the broadsheet. "Everypony in town's been talking about this lawsuit. They won't care about some stupid monster in the middle of I-Don't-Care-Land."

"You mean the one between Twilight Sparkle and the Ponyville Moving Company, eh?" the gray stallion said. "Interesting, that. We haven't had a decent lawsuit ever since you got elected."

"Yeah, and before me you guys just kept on being sued," Mayor Mare chuckled, reminiscing about those marvelous few days - for gossip, anyway - when the Mayor Fields administration imploded amid a wave of scandal. "Hopefully my term's going to have a better ending."

Crimson Ribbon returned a mysterious smile. "It seems that you're having a good day today, Mayor."

"Of course," the Mayor was busy poring over the preliminary details of the lawsuit. "No work, no problems, no stress. Life's a dream. Oh, by the way, are you going to the pre-trial this afternoon?"

"Alas, Ma'am," the gray stallion replied, not without some faint air of superiority, "I need to attend to some other matters of my own."

"Ah, shame, Mr. Ribbon," the Mayor continued reading the paper. "I'm sure it's going to be a real blast!"

*

The 'Duke of Mane' Restaurant, Ponyville

"Fancy seeing you here, Mayor!" Crimson Ribbon walked over to where Mayor Mare and Cheerilee were eating. "So, how was the pre-trial hearing?"

Out of the corner of his eye, the gray stallion saw Cheerilee cast an uneasy glance at the bespectacled mare.

The tan mare paused before responding in a deathly whisper. "Please take a seat, Mr. Ribbon."

"Gladly." The concerned bureaucrat took his place at the table. "Perhaps a glass of water, waiter?"

Mayor Mare was looking awfully menacing tonight. "Mr. Ribbon, do you know, out of all the thousands of ponies Twilight could have sued - of all the hundreds of ponies that work in the Ponyville Moving Company - do you know who she sued?"

"Filthy Rich?" Crimson Ribbon took a stab in the dark.

"No! Of all the ponies she could have sued, Twilight decided to sue a wall-eyed mare."

The gray stallion knew what this meant. "Oh. Oh my."

"Well," Cheerilee tried to clarify. "Twilight's didn't sue Derpy specifically. She just happens to be one of the defendants- "

"I know, I know!" Mayor Mare was on a short fuse today. "Same thing!"

The violet mare had a confused look on her face. "What's the big deal, anyway?"

"Well, Ms. Cheerilee," Crimson Ribbon elucidated. "Wall-eyed ponies fall under the purview of the Equal Opportunities Commission. And when something like this happens, it usually means one of three outcomes: A) We get sued for granting her work in the first place; B) We get sued for causing her emotional distress due to the lawsuit; C) We get sued for trying to carry out the judge's punishments. The Princess' plan to thoroughly integrate ponies with, ahem, 'minor inconveniences' into society, you see."

"I still don't get it." the elementary teacher scratched her head. "The lawsuit doesn't concern the government. They should sue Twilight, if anything."

"Well," the bureaucrat shrugged. "The Princess decreed that discrimination in the private sector also has to be the responsibility of the government. Says it gives us incentive to crack down on it."

"Urgh," Mayor Mare groaned audibly, drawing a few angry stares from other diners nearby. "Just one thing... one thing that I'm looking forward to... and it has to bite me in the flank!"

"We could always mediate," the gray stallion suggested.

"Yeah, mediate," the Mayor noted sarcastically. "Like they'll agree to anything, knowing that we're on the ropes."

"It might work, Mayor." The Secretary for Administration was insistent. "Nothing beats a little trying. Dare I suggest a brief stop at the Library?"

*

Ponyville Library, Ponyville

"That can't be true," a skeptical Twilight Sparkle scratched her head in bewilderment. "That's just stupid. They can't sue you because of what I did!"

"Ah, but it is, Ms. Sparkle," Crimson Ribbon threw his hooves up. "The peculiarities of the law are manifold."

"But that just- " the bookish mare waved her forelegs around in frustration. "You know what? I'll just take your word for it. There are just some things in the world my mind wasn't made to handle."

Mayor Mare stayed put in one corner, silently stewing in her own angry thoughts.

The purple mare continued. "Actually, now that I think about it, it does seem like this lawsuit was a bit stupid. I mean, since Pinkie Pie knew beforehand that Derpy was going to drop all that stuff on me, surely that would mean that the Company didn't have a choice in the matter, did they? So it doesn't seem like I can blame anypony for this... "

"Indeed, Ms. Sparkle - wait, 'knew beforehand'?" the gray stallion's mind came to a screeching halt.

"Yeah," the magical pony said. "Pinkie Pie and her 'Pinkie Sense' - she kind of predicted it while I was observing her. Don't ask me how she does it, though." Twilight's thoughts were focused on other matters. "Well... I thought I could have helped the Princess recoup some of the medical bills... but if I'm actually doing more harm here... alright, Mr. Ribbon, I'll withdraw my lawsuit as soon as I can. Thanks for telling me- "

Mayor Mare's ears pricked up at the same time as Crimson Ribbon's eyes widened in horror. "No no no, don't do that!" the stallion briskly beseeched.

"Don't- what? Why not!" the tan mare galloped up to her subordinate a fit of pique. "Don't tell me you're helping them!"

"No, no, Mayor!" Crimson Ribbon clarified his position."The point here is that we have to reach an agreement with the Ponyville Moving Company! If Ms. Sparkle here unilaterally withdraws, the EOC can still claim that there are 'unresolved issues' that need to be solved!"

"Mr. Ribbon, surely you're being a bit too... paranoid?" the purple pony couldn't resist a comment.

"Ms. Sparkle, in government it is always better to err on the side of caution." The bureaucrat busied himself with calming the Mayor down. "Continuing on from our previous conversation: therefore, would it be possible for you to attend a meeting with the teamsters tomorrow?"

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

The look on the stocky, unshaven stallion's face said it all. "No."

"Mr. Hoofa," Crimson Ribbon was negotiating in lieu of the Mayor, who, in any case, might have been more of a liability. "I have to insist. There is really nothing to be gained from this... persistence. For both of us."

"I apologize again, Mr. Hoofa," Twilight Sparkle chimed in. "I wasn't thinking properly. I really didn't know what I was doing... "

"The EOC have decided to back us to the hilt," the teamster cut the magical pony off. "That was a very bad thing you did, ganging up on poor Ms. Hooves like that."

The unicorn's head lowered, realizing that she could no longer do anything to stop the inevitable. Crimson Ribbon, by contrast, was keeping his cool, continuing to face down the stocky stallion opposite him. Maybe government officials just don't have any emotions.

"Mr. Ribbon," the teamster growled menacingly. "Your government has been very hard on us lately - and our only crime has been to employ some poor pony with a... um... less than complete eyesight. How could you have possibly let Ms. Sparkle's lawsuit go through?"

Crimson Ribbon held his fire, patiently waiting for Mr. Hoofa to expose his baseline.

"I want the Ponyville Moving Company to have a permanent contract with the Ponyville Government," the teamster laid down his terms. "And I want you to convince, let's say, convince the Ponyville Removal Company to... take a long holiday... someplace else."

Politically unacceptable terms. The gray stallion responded by sinking deep into thought, seemingly paining over the possible backlash these terms could engender for the administration. Mr. Hoofa leant forward, eagerly anticipating that crucial, magical word.

"No." Crimson Ribbon stared determinedly into his opponent's eyes. "You'll be happy with just getting off scot-free."

The stocky teamster, thus spurned, resisted the instinctive urge to punch this weedy official. "Fine. Prepare to get your flanks handed to you by both the EOC and the Princess."

A more inexperienced bureaucrat might have buckled at this point; but, not for the first time, the gray stallion retorted with his smile of victory. "I believe, Mr. Hoofa, that it's your flank that will be handed to you. Ms. Sparkle?"

"Yes?" A puzzled Twilight turned towards the bureaucrat. "Can I help here?"

"Ms. Sparkle, you mentioned that Ms. Pinkie Pie predicted this accident before it actually occurred, didn't she?"

The mare's eyes slowly enlarged in dim realization. "Uh, yes. She'll remember it. Oh, and Spike was there too!"

"Of course," Crimson Ribbon remarked. "So you see, Mr. Hoofa, since it's clearly scientifically impossible for Ms. Pie to predict the future- " Twilight decided to suppress her momentary objections- "the only rational explanation is that the Company planned this."

The tables were turned so dramatically one could almost hear the sound of woodwork being arranged. "What!?" the bewildered teamster bellowed in amazement, suddenly forced to find a way out. "Wait... wait... Pinkie Pie and Spike are Ms. Sparkle's friends! Of course they're going to say that!"

Blast! Who knew this oaf could even... well, let's see if the unicorn here is all she's cracked up to be... "Ms. Sparkle, if I recall the circumstances correctly, the incident occurred near Ms. Applejack's barn. Was Ms. Applejack there?"

"Yes," the bookish pony responded, "But she- "

"And Ms. Applejack is the Bearer of the Element of Honesty, if I recall?" Crimson Ribbon rapidly moved to stop Twilight revealing his bluff.

"Yes, she is, but- "

"Thank you, Ms. Sparkle." The bureaucrat turned his killer gaze to the teamster, now positively shaking with anger - or was that fear? "Mr. Hoofa, you know the Princess takes a very dim view against violence."

The stocky pony, all so confident only moments before, was now at a loss for words.

"Premeditated assault - and in front of three other witnesses, too," the bureaucrat cooed. "Very bad for business, I would say."

"Uhh... " Mr. Hoofa stuttered, trying, in vain, to find a way out that didn't involve capitulation.

"I'm not sure whether the EOC's purview extends to that of would-be murderers- "

"Alright, alright!" the teamster gave up before the costs of peace rose any higher. "Ahem. Now that we're done with introductions, let's start the mediation... "

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) The 'Inconsistent triad' in philosophy: A) We have free will, B) Events are determined (or can be predicted), C) Free will and causation are incompatible. The three points cannot logically coexist, but such a situation will leave us with little room to assign moral responsibility.]

S1E16: Sonic Rainboom

Season 1 Episode 16 - Sonic Rainboom

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Rainbow Dash's Entry into the 'Best Young Fliers' Competition [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"Please, Mayor!" Rainbow Dash concluded her exhaustive argument. "This is the best chance I have of actually being with the Wonderbolts! You got to let me try, Mayor, please, please, pleeease!"

The Mayor, putting down her agenda, looked long and hard at Ponyville's chief weathermare. "You think you have your best chance, when - as you said yourself - you can't perform your winning move."

The cyan mare's lips trembled, painfully casting her doubts aside. "Please, Mayor Mare. Please. Just let me try."

Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon was right: Rainbow Dash did, indeed, seem desperate. Now the gray stallion's voice floated into the tan mare's mind. "Use this- " the gray stallion gleefully flipped open the law tome, "and let's see how determined she actually is for this competition. All in good jest, of course."

Mayor Mare retrieved her copy of the Constitutional Codex and placed it onto the table, opening it at the bookmarked page. "You see, Ms. Dash," the Mayor slid the leather-bound compendium across the table, "you can read it for yourself. The Competition Act, 457. Any pony, whosoever BOASTETH of great acts in his submission, and yet FAILETH to make good such acts in his competition, shall henceforth be MAROONED on some distant and BARBAROUS land."

"Umm... ok?" the prismatic mare wasn't too sure about what she had just read.

The bespectacled mare put her hoof to her face. "Ms. Dash, what it means is this: if you can't do the things you say you are going to do in the competition - like your Sonic Rainboom - then the Princess is legally allowed to banish you to some distant part of Equestria."

It took some time for the words to sink in. But once they did, Rainbow Dash's throat reacted with an audible gulp. "Wha- ? But Princess Celestia, she would... "

"The point is that she's allowed to," the Mayor reminded the weather mare sweetly.

A pause. Rainbow Dash's eyes widened in genuine terror, sweat emerging from her forehead.

Time to ask her again. "So you still want to go?"

The cyan pegasus considered her options. If I give up now, I might never have another shot at this... I've never given up before...

"Yes," the pegasus looked straight into her superior's eyes. "Yes. I need to do this. It's my only chance."

The tan pony smiled. I win ten bits! "Then good luck, Ms. Dash. I'll tell Ms. Airheart to sub for you while you're away. Do try and come back once you're done."

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

The normally staid Secretary for Administration couldn't resist a muffled snigger when the Mayor relayed to him how Rainbow Dash had reacted. "Oh, that was a good one indeed, Mayor!"

Captain Delta Force, the Security Chief of Ponyville, also couldn't help but guffaw loudly. "Well, that pegasus sure has balls larger than her brain."

"Poor girl," the Mayor wiped off the tears of laughter from her eyes. "It's just not right treating her like that... but, I'm sorry, it was just so funny! I swear, Ms. Dash seriously thought that the Princess was going to send her to the Moon or something!"

"Well, as I said, at least she has balls," the Captain said.

"Sure, sure, of course." Now it was time for the bespectacled mare got back down to business. "Remind me to write a special letter to the Princess about that law. We don't want to lose our weathermare."

Crimson Ribbon jotted the command down in his personal notebook.

"In any case," the Mayor continued, putting on her best serious face, "While the whole thing with Ms. Dash was a good diversion, we still have important things to do. Like this thing with the Apples- "

"Sorry to interrupt, Mayor," the red stallion quickly interjected, hastily reverting to bureaucrat mode. "But don't you think that this obsession with the Apple family is getting a bit... out of hand?"

"No, because that's where I've stuck my electoral mandate on!"

"But I mean, can't you take on some other magnate? Maybe like Filthy Rich, or Fancy Pants?" The ex-soldier suggested.

Mayor Mare sighed in annoyance. "If I can't take down the Apple family - the weakest of all three established interests - how do you expect me to destroy the Richs or the Pants?" And plus, they donate to me.

"Well," Delta Force started. "Bit- I mean, the Finance Secretary once remarked, to me, that it was really easy to do ponies in for the simplest crimes. You know, like tax evasion and- "

The political mare latched on to the only word that mattered. "Crimes... crimes! Yes, why didn't I think of that before!" she clapped her hooves in glee. "That's what we can do! Find some evidence of wrongdoing within Sweet Apple Acres, Captain Force!"

The red stallion stopped dead in the middle of his monologue. "I was going to say that the Apples aren't like the others in that- "

"Find some evidence, Captain Force." the Mayor lowered her voice menacingly.

Crimson Ribbon felt that it was time for him to step him. "Ahem. With all due respect, Mayor," he reminded the gray-maned pony, "this does seem borderline unconstitutional. Captain Force here can't find something that isn't there."

Mayor Mare's expression changed into one of bewilderment. "Oh. Of course it was," she apologized. "What I meant was this: Captain Force, find some evidence, so long as it is obtained legally."

Of course the Security Chief knew what this language really meant. "What if I can't- "

"Captain Force, find me some evidence, so long as it's obtained legally." The Mayor menaced once again.

Out of options, the ex-soldier looked pleadingly at the Secretary for Administration for a way out.

"Very well put, Mayor. This seems more constitutional." Crimson Ribbon mercilessly dashed Delta Force's hopes.

*

Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville

Do you want this job or not?

Those words repeated themselves, over and over again, within the Security Chief's mind as he and his team slowly trotted their way up the dirt road to the Acres.

If you don't, then turn back now: because if you want this job, defeat can no longer be an option. After all, if everything were to go wrong, Mayor Mare would surely blame all of it on her Security Chief. Did she not say that the evidence had to be collected legally? How was she to expect that her subordinates would become so... overzealous in their mission?

I wished the law would take implied orders into account, the red stallion sighed. "Hold up! We're at Sweet Apple Acres!"

And there it was: the wreathed entrance, the red barn, the well, the sounds of clucking and mooing. Here it was. Now do you want this job or not?

Being a Security Chief meant power and prestige...

Being a Security Chief meant a good wage and a better retirement...

Being a Security Chief meant command of a whole host of ponies, just like in the army...

But, being a Security Chief also meant that sometimes, you had to do certain things...

Yes. Yes, I want this job.

The red stallion checked the time. Just a bit after lunch. The scion of the Apple family - Big Mac - would be doing his chores. The wee one would still be at school. And that Ms. Applejack was in Cloudsdale. So only Granny Smith in the house. Good.

Taking a deep breath, Delta Force and his entourage of three police ponies walked up and knocked at the door.

"Who's there?" the creaky voice of Granny Smith replied.

"The Ponyville Police Department, Ma'am. Please open the door." The Security Chief prepared his badge.

The door opened, revealing a sickly-green old mare, wobbling unsteadily on her rusty walking frame. But looks can be deceiving.

Granny Smith's orange eyes shot daggers. "Now what y'all doin' here! We Apples have always been honest folk!" And to prove her point, she prepared her walking frame as a battering ram, primed and ready to inflict terrible carnage onto the government agents.

"Please calm down, Mrs. Apple," Delta Force calmly barged into Granny Smith, speaking in the most bureaucratic voice possible. "We have received an... anonymous tip regarding some... irregularities within Sweet Apple Acres. We are just here to follow this lead."

The matriarch was unconvinced. "And who's the feller who gave this anony-somethin' tip?"

"It's an anonymous tip, Ma'am; by definition, that means we cannot reveal who said it."

"Well then, you ain't gettin' in this here house if you ain't got no reason for bein' here!"

Time to turn the screws. "Junior, please." The Security Chief motioned for the police cadet to serve the search warrant. "Ma'am, we have a warrant to enter your house. Resistance is an offence under the Criminal Procedures Act 992."

"Y'all ain't gettin' no further in this darn house!" Granny Smith hollered, vainly trying to shove the well-built Security Chief out of her residence. "I'll be tellin' them reporters on you!"

"Ma'am!" The Security Chief barked. "If you continue to resist, I will have to arrest you!"

"Granny," a deep voice suddenly boomed in from the staircase. "We need to let them policeponies in."

Delta Force, first astonished, then despondent, silently cursed his terrible luck.

The green mare looked back towards the source of the noise. "Big Mac, they gon' search the house!"

"Ain't got nothin' to be ashamed of," the convalescing Big Mac responded. "Will have if we stop 'em."

Obediently, the matriarch gave way amid much grumbling and veiled threats. "Thank you, Ma'am," the red stallion kept up his stony appearance. "Now, if you can tell me where you keep your records, and your important stuff... "

"Records in the study. Important stuff in Gran's room." Clunk clunk clunk. Big Mac, his midriff bandaged - obviously some farming accident - appeared out of the staircase.

"Thank you, Sir. I believe we need only concern ourselves with the records. On Beat, Junior, keep guard outside the study door; Night Watch, please stay in the living room."

The Security Chief strode into the study. Piles and piles of paper, detailing every single aspect of Sweet Apple Acres, presented themselves to him. Now, what is going to be relevant here... Apple Trends. Tree Growth. Milk Production. Carrot Top Prices. Gopher Populations. Tax Payments. Rain-

Wait. Tax Payments.

Here we go. The Security Chief's heart sank as he slowly picked up the thick tome. But should I really be doing this? Should I really be trying to frame these ponies? I mean, they haven't done anything wrong, have they? Not intentionally, at least...

Well, you know what? His heart concluded his brainwork with steely determination. The Mayor made me do this. The Mayor ordered me, and she would have punished me if I didn't comply. Yes, the Mayor made me do all of this. I'm blameless.

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"... but I won the Best Young Fliers Competition! I brought glory to Ponyville!" Rainbow Dash protested. "That lesson with the Wonderbolts was the prize for winning it!"

"Ms. Dash, you will be rewarded greatly for your success in the BYF," Mayor Mare rolled her eyes as she repeated the same words for the umpteenth time. "But, nevertheless, you did not turn up to work for a whole day yesterday."

"But I won!" The cyan mare seemed intent on making this argument truly unending. "That was the- "

"Your absence has harmed Ponyville," the Mayor asserted. "You know Ms. Airheart isn't that experienced in handling rainstorms by herself. Now the Beaver Nation is complaining that we're bursting their wooden dams with torrents of water. This means hundreds of timber logs in compensation. All because you forgot to include that one extra day in your vacation form."

"Urgh, spoilsports," Rainbow Dash muttered darkly as she prepared to capitulate. "Fine, fine: I'll work for a month with half pay."

"Thank you, Ms. Dash. You may go now. See you at the Victory Parade tomorrow."

Delta Force entered as Ms. Dash left dejectedly. "Ma'am, the Apple family tax ledger."

The Mayor eagerly received the book, flipping through it and scrutinizing the numerous facts and figures within it. "Done anything with it yet?"

"Ma'am," the Security Chief unleashed all his pent-up moral frustrations as gently as possible. "I really don't think doing the Apples in for tax evasion is going to net you many favors... "

"Nonsense." The gray-maned pony cut him off. "I mean, the part about me framing them. I don't need to go that far. They know what this might mean. I'll just wait for their reply."

"But Mayor," Delta Force tried one last, futile attempt at changing his superior's mind. "Aren't you assuming that the Apples will respond by negotiating with you?"

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Laws that don't make much sense, such as 'No Whaling in Oklahoma'. 2) Watergate (as a background influence)]

S1E17: Stare Master

Season 1 Episode 17 - Stare Master

Mayor Mare's House, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Cockatricegate [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"'Cockatricegate'." A tired Mayor Mare yawned, repeating the offending word in the agenda. "Did you just make that up?"

Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon, soaking wet to the core, was in no mood for banter. "M-Mayor... " he panted, leaning against the wall for support. "N-no time, Mayor... important... the police... they're... they're... "

"The police?" the political mare had not yet grasped the gravity of the situation. "What's this got to do with- "

"They're coming, darn it!" the bureaucrat let it all out in one breath. "They're coming for you!"

A bright flash abruptly lit up the room, the roaring sound of thunder hot on its heels.

"W-what?" the Mayor finally stuttered. "How can that- "

"Cockatrice... " the gray stallion had yet to catch his breath. "Ms.... Sparkle. Somepony... accuse- "

"Well, tell Delta Force to put a lid on it!" the tan mare instinctively blurted out. Why is my Security Chief so useless?

Age had really caught up with the still-huffing Crimson Ribbon. "Papers... headlines... election... lose... definitely... police only... have... suspicion... "

Mayor Mare shook her head in a combination of fear and frustration. By Celestia - all the reporters outside - and so close to election campaign as well! "Alright. I'll co-operate. Let me just tell Cheeril- "

Too late. Three insistent raps on the front door. The politician looked at her subordinate and nodded. He retreated, out of sight, into the kitchen.

The tan pony approached the door, cold sweat growing on her temples and her sides. She raised one trembling hoof to the door. Rap-rap-rap. The police could see a silhouette. "Ponyville Police! Open the door!" they ordered gruffly.

The door creaked open, the sound of the outside rainstorm overwhelming the previous silence. Three soaked and unhappy policeponies stood outside. "Mayor Mare?" they asked.

"Yes." the tan pony responded.

A soggy piece of paper was unceremoniously shoved into her face. "A warrant, Ma'am. We hereby arrest you on suspicion of Deliberate Petrifaction. Everything you say will be taken down as evidence. You have the right to a lawyer."

The gray-maned pony gulped, casting her gaze to the rainy streets outside. Strange... no reporters. Maybe the editor of the Express was still asleep. "Can I just go upstairs and tell- " she began.

"No. You will come with us to the station now."

Mayor Mare knew that resistance was pointless. Closing her eyes, she stuck out her forelegs, patiently waiting for the iron clink of the hoofcuffs.

*

The Marketplace, Ponyville

There was only one topic of conversation as the marketplace quickly swelled up with ponies, the soggy weather doing little to dampen the atmosphere. "Have you heard? The Mayor's been arrested!"

"Apparently it's something to do with the cockatrice as well!"

"I've heard that the maximum sentence for attempted murder is eternal banishment!"

"Did you hear? Rainbow Dash claims she saw her go into the Everfree that afternoon!"

"Heh, sure." Applejack was being unusually reticent today. "I ain't judgin' until that verdict comes out."

"But Applejack," Bell Perin voiced the thoughts of the crowd gradually surrounding her stall. "Twilight's your friend. What's she saying?"

"Oh, uh," the market vendor gave an uneasy chuckle. "She doesn't remember nothin'."

"So she remembers everything?" the ponies leant in eagerly.

"Uh," Applejack put on her fakest smile. "She remembers being petrified, I guess. I mean, I don't know who put the cockatrice there. Maybe it just wandered over... "

"Or maybe it's really the Mayor- "

"Citizens of Ponyville!" a pegasus herald, sporting a cape emblazoned with the arms of West Phalia, saved Applejack from further embarrassment. Spreading his wings out, he slowly flapped onto a makeshift pedestal in the middle of the square. "Hear ye, hear ye!"

The market quietened down. The herald unrolled his scroll. "Citizens of Ponyville, a special announcement from the Government of West Phalia: Pursuant to Article XIX of the State Constitution of West Phalia, should the executive elected head of a subordinate government be removed, the Governor reserves the right to appoint a new head to serve the remainder of his term; or for the duration of the removal of the elected head."

The ponies all held their breath. So who was going to be the new Mayor? "Lyra Heartstrings? Filthy Rich? Twilight Spark- "

"And so, with the powers that are invested in me, I have decided to appoint Supply Side as the temporary Mayor of Ponyville!"

The marketplace remained silent. "Who?" Applejack heard Lyra's disappointed voice.

"West Phalia Economic Minister," some pony said helpfully. "You know, the one who's always on about 'let the markets decide'?"

"Herewith Mr. Side's mayoral statement: I am honored to be named as Mayor of Ponyville. For too long, Ponyville has hidden behind exorbitant tax barriers and a bloated welfare state. It is time to reward innovation and let the markets decide. I will take all steps necessary to open up Ponyville to outside competition, such as encouraging larger companies to invest here, lowering top tax rates, and breaking down municipal monopolies..."

Uh oh. The orange mare smacked her hoof against her forehead. I think the plan has gone horribly wrong...

*

Room 3, Ponyville Police Station, Ponyville

The room was damp and uncomfortable, just as it was designed to be. Mayor Mare, sitting on an iron stool, detectives at her front and at her right, was similarly uncomfortable, just as she was meant to be.

Detective Private Eye handed the Mayor a photograph of Twilight Sparkle. "I'm going to cut to the chase, Mayor. Did you petrify this unicorn?"

"No," the Mayor replied matter-of-factly.

Private Eye looked at his counterpart, and then back at the suspect. "Ms. Dash claims she saw you going into the Everfree Forest, some time before Ms. Sparkle went in herself."

The tan mare scoffed. "Of course she would say that. She's still angry about that whole Best Young Fliers thing."

The sleuth wasn't getting sidetracked. "So did you go in or not?"

The Mayor moaned in exasperation. "Yes, I did."

"For what?"

"I was going to Zecora's, because I thought of getting some agar for some of our mould designs back home... but then, I remembered that I had a meeting back in Town Hall, and so I turned back halfway. I didn't see Ms. Sparkle on the way back."

Private Eye noted this down. The Mayor had her alibi straight - she wouldn't have seen Ms. Sparkle, who had strayed off the beaten track some ways before getting back onto the path. But good alibis are no match for good evidence.

He handed Mayor Mare a golden, hand-held watch. "Recognize this?"

The detective looked on in satisfaction as the tan pony's complexion turned considerably pale.

"I- I don't... " the Mayor stammered.

"Mayor, I can read faces. You're lying."

The gray-maned pony, caught out, looked sideways at the other officer, who merely shook his head in mock admonition. "Y-you're right," she admitted. "I know it. It's mine. But I- "

"It was found near the crime scene." Private Eye brought his decisive argument down hard on the Mayor.

How did it get there? I never bring my heirlooms out of the house! "But- "

"What else do you have to say in your defense, Mayor Mare?"

*

Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville

Meanwhile outside, the topic of gossip had long since departed from that of Mayor Mare. "Have you heard? The new Mayor's planning to get rid of Ponyville Park!"

"But didn't you hear that he's also going to stop the daily milk delivery?"

"You should see that notice he put up - he's going to sell our Marketplace!"

"My friend's saying that they're going to fire half the postmares!"

"Applejack - watch out: my friend Bit's saying that they're asking Mountsanto to buy your farm!"

Her head throbbing with a day's worth of unhappy chitchat, her mouth foaming with inchoate rage, Applejack kicked open the barn door and stormed inside.

"LOOK AT WHAT Y'ALL DID!" she roared in a blind rage, sending the Cutie Mark Crusaders flying behind the sofa. "I told you NOT to go this far! And you just had to do it! You just HAD to do it!"

The orange mare slammed her Stetson onto the table, body still heaving with emotion. She looked around. Empty room. She had been speaking to an empty room. That fact was making her blood boil once again...

"S-sorry, AJ," Big Mac poked a terrified head out from the side of the couch, followed by Granny Smith and the young ones. "W-we thought that this would- "

Applejack turned and spat phlegm out of the door. "If we don't get Mayor Mare back in there this instant, not only will we lose everythin', everypony within ten miles is gon' slay us!"

Big Mac trembled before his sister's thunderous fury. "W-we just put the watch there... ain't nothin' too big... "

"Not too big!?" Shouting was fast becoming a form of therapy for the country pony. "That's evidence! How am I supposed to save her like this?"

Big Mac hastily withdrew back behind the sofa. "M-maybe you can ask your friends?" he mumbled.

*

The Library, Ponyville

Twilight got over her farm friend's confession quickly. "Well, I guess I don't really how the cockatrice got there, so it's not like you were lying as far as I'm concerned... but we do need to get rid of Mayor Side. He's going to make me buy this library!"

"The Cakes can't possibly cope with Kentucky Fried Clover!" Pinkie Pie worried out loud.

"Nor can I with Hay-Mart," Rarity rubbed her hooves nervously.

"Hope you don't mind me not calling Rainbow Dash," Applejack remarked. "She's still in a big sulk... "

Knock-knock. Fluttershy flew in through the open door, her hair dirty and matted - obviously she had spent no small effort tracking down the offending cockatrice, now cowering within a cage. "Oh I'm sorry, Rocky," she cooed at the creature. "But we need you to save the Everfree Forest!"

"Argh! Cover the cage, Fluttershy!" the other ponies scrambled to put their hooves over their eyes.

The shy pegasus let out a little giggle. "Oh, it's alright; Rocky here's promised not to use his stare while he's in Ponyville."

"Rocky, what- ?" Applejack dared a peek. "Whatever. As I was telling Twi', we just need... Rocky... here to say the right things in that there station. Then we can get Mayor Mare back into Town Hall."

"Alright then, girls!" Twilight jumped up and began arranging tables and chairs around. "Rarity and Pinkie Pie, you'll be the sleuths. Applejack, you be the Mayor. Fluttershy will translate, and I'll just make sure everything's in order."

The friends moved into their positions. Fluttershy placed her cage onto the table.

"Now, uh, Rocky," Twilight resisted the overpowering instinct to look away. "You better tell the truth about what happened. Or else..." her horn started to glow menacingly. "Payback time."

The terrified animal, now propped on the table, emitted a few terrified clucks. "He says yes," Fluttershy translated.

"Alright then, Rocky," Pinkie Pie whipped out a deerstalker hat and a pipe. "Why were you in Twilight's way?"

Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck. "He says the path's near where he normally hunts, and it just happened that he spotted Twilight that afternoon."

"Did you see Mayor Mare? You know, this light-brown pony with gray hair," Rarity, averting her gaze, slid over a picture for the cockatrice's perusal.

Cluck-cluck. "He didn't see the mare... but he did see a shadow of sorts while he was hunting earlier..." Twilight narrowed her eyes and her horn began to glow. Cluckcluckcluck. "... although, he now remembers, it was more like a phoenix or an eagle. Definitely not a pony."

"Did Mayor Mare put you in that place to turn poor Twilight here into stone?" Rarity pressed on.

Cluck. "No." Cluck-cluck-cluck. "No no no." Cluck-cluck. "That would be impossible."

"Ah," Pinkie Pie leant back and crossed her arms in satisfaction. "So Mayor Mare isn't guilty after all."

"Case closed!" Rarity smiled. "Now let's have Fluttershy bring this... creature to the police station."

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

Applejack shut the door quietly behind her and turned towards the Mayor. "Mayor, we need to sort things out."

Mayor Mare smiled and gestured towards the desk. "We do, Applejack."

The farm pony took off her hat and sat opposite the political pony. "Now, I ain't got the faintest clue why you've been tryin' to get at us all this time. And I'm guessin' I really shouldn't know why. So all I'm askin' is: what do you want?"

The tan pony was inclined to be gentle towards the farm pony. "I want you to be co-operative, Applejack. I need something I can present to the citizens of Ponyville. I need something to show against Lyra."

The farm pony mulled over things for a moment. "Shucks, Mayor; I'm amazed Ponyville's still standing, after all those disasters and such... "

"Applejack." The gray-maned mare cautioned.

The rustic pony sighed. Probably no way around it. "Alright, Mayor," she conceded after some thought. "We Apples promise to sell, or transfer, a fifth of our current land to other ponies."

"Other ponies: meaning?"

"Braeburn," Applejack hoped that the Mayor would accept this superficial retreat. "And other relatives in Appaloosa."

Mayor Mare furrowed her brows.

"And we'll also tell them workers to vote for you in the election," the tough pony threw in an extra sweetener. "Every election."

The politician considered the proposition. Half-victories are still victories, I guess. "Fine," she replied, lifting out the Apple family's tax ledger and returning it to the orange mare. "So we're on the same page now, Applejack."

"Yes, Ma'am." The farm pony spat into her hoof and extended it. "Deal?"

Yuck! Mayor Mare thought to herself. But still. she took the outstretched hoof and shook it, the saliva making a disgusting, squelching sound. "Deal."

Author's Note

[Particular influences: 1) Watergate (Background influence) 2) Supply-side economics and the ways leaders have tried to implement them e.g. i) PATCO firings 1981 (Reagan), ii) Withdrawal of free milk (Thatcher), iii) Non-public negotiations with conglomerates (Walker et al.) 3) The ability of employers to encourage "correct" voting, e.g. the Koch Brothers (Romney) in 2012.]

S1E18: The Show Stoppers

Season 1 Episode 18 - The Show Stoppers

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Arranging Lunch with Filthy Rich [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family Win Election! [ ]

"So," Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon mentioned, as Mayor Mare made a few ancillary notes to the agenda in front of her. "You've buried the hatchet with the Apples."

"Well," the Mayor responded off the cuff. "Seeing that I've broken their nefarious monopoly over Ponyville's land, obviously we don't have much cause for argument any longer."

"Indeed," the gray stallion replied diplomatically, even though he already knew the real behind-the-scenes story. "It is quite interesting how eager the Appaloosans were to snap up land in Ponyville. You'd have thought that they would be more interested in their new town... "

"Whatever floats their boat, I guess." Mayor Mare brushed her subordinate's challenge aside. "In any case, election times are near, and we need to start thinking about getting re-elected."

"You mean, you have to start thinking about getting re-elected," Crimson Ribbon corrected the tan mare, not without an air of smug superiority.

The politician shot him a displeased glare. "I'm still a bit hurt over how you continued to help Mr. Side while I was in jail."

"But Ma'am," the bureaucrat gave a semi-apologetic bow. "We're the bureaucracy. We are not a political organization. You must have read the Constitutional Codex by now... "

"I'm in no mood for this pedantry," the tan mare huffed. "Anyway, as I was saying, I need to raise election funds in order to win. So arrange a meeting with Filthy Rich, please."

Crimson Ribbon shook his head. "Ma'am, that's a political matter. I can't- "

"No no no," the Mayor quickly interrupted. "Those were two separate sentences: I need to raise election funds. I need to arrange a meeting with Filthy Rich. Obviously, we won't be discussing anything election-related. For sure."

The bureaucrat broke out into an understanding smile. "In that case, I shall do your will at once," he bowed.

*

Ponyville Schoolhouse, Ponyville

Overtime again at the schoolhouse. Cheerilee eyed the pile of paper in front of her with unabashed irritation, unwilling to begin this sadistic task. Like I could give a flying flank about Equestrian geography, myself.

She thought of bringing the whole load back home. Perhaps she would be more motivated there than in this silent, empty room, warm rays from the setting Sun speaking softly to her: come on... it's so comfortable... just a little shut-eye... juuust a little... come on...

"Shut up," the schoolteacher scolded herself. There was nothing left to it: flicking her cherry blossom mane to one side, clearing her throat loudly and clearly, Cheerilee, in one well-practiced move, slickly drew the top paper from her pile and smoothed it onto the desk surface.

How Rock are foRmde Snails

This is going to be a looong evening.

Quill in one hand, geography textbook in another - surely nopony could expect her to know everything she had to teach! - the violet pony began this arduous journey.

Why do I have to learn this How Weather Works in Equestria by Scootaloo

Where do Trees Grow Good Applebloom

Zonal Distribution in Cities According to the Hooft Model by TutoringFillies Silver Spoon

Ponyville's educator scribbled down yet another set of comments in red ink, silently fuming at the futility of her work. Who reads this stuff anyway?

But, at least, another piece of paper could be carelessly shunted to one side. Cheerilee drew another essay from the stack, cursing as she did so. Is this supposed to be bottomless?

A couple of hoofsteps loudly announced their entry into the schoolroom. "Thank you, Mr. Broom," the schoolteacher addressed the cleaner in monotone, head still buried in pure tedium.

"What, so you think I'm the garbagepony now?" a shrill, annoying voice reared its head in response.

Cheerilee's ears twitched. She had long since run out of mental editing equipment. Instinctively, the normally gentle teacher slammed her hoof on the table, fast flying into a stressed-out tantrum. "Now just who the hay do you think you- "

She turned and saw two ponies at the door. Diamond Tiara and Filthy Rich. Her temper suddenly dissipated. "-are... oh, Mr. Rich, I truly apologize!" she scrambled to her hooves to meet the parent.

The industry magnate imperiously swept past the pink-maned teacher. Two bodyguards followed behind him and his daughter, drawing two chairs out from the neatly-arranged schooldesks and placing them in front of the teacher's table. Thanks for asking, the violet pony thought acidly.

Cheerilee nevertheless broke out into a forced smile. "How can I help you or Diamond Tiara today, Mr. Rich?"

The tan stallion's eyes narrowed. "Diamond here tells me that she didn't win 'Best Comedy' at the Show."

Uh oh. "Um... Mr. Rich, the- "

"Why didn't she win." The oligarch wasn't really interested in explanations.

"Perhaps, Mr. Rich, the judges-" - meaning me - "thought that the Crusaders were better... "

"They couldn't have!" Diamond Tiara wailed. "I got Mane Hook to write my stuff!"

You mean, he allowed you to reuse those same-old gags for your performance. "I apologize, but- "

"Look here, Miss," the moneybags leant in as the violet mare leant out. He smelt of expensive cigars and even more expensive champagne. "My daughter needs to get into Foxtrot Academy. The other ponies don't."

Cheerilee squeezed her legs together, bidding herself not to do or say anything rash. "The award's already been given, Mr. Rich- "

"Don't make this difficult," Filthy warned. Diamond Tiara followed it up with a pained and guilt-inducing sniffle.

Don't force my hoof, Filthy! The violet pony lowered her head menacingly. "I've already given the award, Mr. Rich."

"I'm giving you the chance to end this painlessly," the magnate warned. "Diamond's my baby, and I'll do anything to make sure she gets the best start in life."

The schoolteacher knew all the tales and legends about Filthy's hold on Ponyville. But her mom, at least, had the excuse of being Mayor of Ponyville. Cheerilee herself, a public-sector employee, had little reason to surrender to his dark powers.

"I'm sorry," the pink-maned pony repeated again, hours of frustration boiling up within her. "But Ms. Tiara here simply wasn't good enough."

The two adults glared at each other, speechless. Cheerilee prayed that the legends about his death squads weren't true.

The wealthy pony perceived that he was stalemated. The schoolteacher's position, however, could be easily flanked. "You'll regret this, Cheerilee," he said, kicking back his chair and storming out of the room, hoof firmly grasping onto his little crybaby's.

*

The Mayor's House, Ponyville

Cheerilee decided to bring her work back home the next day. But, as she had predicted, curling up in the couch with a copy of Seabiscuit: An Equestrian Legend turned out to be a more tantalizing proposal.

Besides, her mom was nagging her. "I can't believe you refused to give the award to him!" Mayor Mare chided from the upstairs bathroom. "Filthy kept on droning about it for the entire meeting!"

The violet pony flipped through the pages, seeking out the exciting bits. "I don't get it. Can't he just buy his way into Foxtrot?"

The politician wasn't listening. "Argh, darn hairs, just turn gray already! ...look, Cheerie, just give him the award! How hard can it- "

"No, mom," the teacher looked up the staircase. "The whole of Ponyville may be used to his flank-smell, but I'm not giving him anything."

"Urgh!" the (currently) pink-maned matriarch grumbled in defeat. "You and your liberal ideas... should never have sent you to Phalia State... "

Cheerilee engrossed herself in Seabiscuit's epic struggle against War Admiral.

"Look, Cheerie." Mayor Mare eventually tried another tack. "If Filthy's filly doesn't get the award, he's not going to give any money to my campaign! Do you really want to hurt your poor mom like that?"

No response. "Lyra's not good for Ponyville at all," the tan mare continued. "You think we'd have lived through all those disasters under her mayorship?"

"You have the Apples on your side!" the educator was getting fed up with the incessant buzz. "You'll definitely be voted back in!"

"No, because Lyra's going to have all the money and all the resources!" the Mayor stomped the floor impatiently. "They're going to try all sorts of stupid tricks and gimmicks to wipe dirt all over me!"

No response. "Cheerie?"

Still no response. The politician opened the door, staring down the landing. "Cheerilee!"

"I'm going to bed," a voice behind her declared. "Night." The door shut, the lock uncharacteristically clicking into place.

The Mayor let out a loud snort of annoyance, determined to find a way to sidestep the teacher's petty antics. "That little horse."

*

The rays of Celestia's sun streamed in through the open windows. Creaking and stretching her limbs, the Mayor shook her dreams away, sliding gently onto the ground. Another day in Ponyville.

First things first. The tan mare put on her glasses and trotted to the mirror. Alright, the hair dye's stayed on. Now a brief shower and some brushing. A few words, a few brief sentences, just to make sure she was in top oratorical form. Check that the collar was in quality condition. And finally, with the basics all done, it was now time to get down to some real work-

Mayor Mare stopped in a still-groggy stupor, as she surveyed her workspace in front of her. There had been a piece of parchment on its surface when she went to bed, to be sure. But it wasn't that piece of parchment, and it certainly didn't have Cheerilee's writing on it:

Dear Mom,

Had to go back to school early (marking) when I suddenly thought you could be up to something. Turns out I was right (again!). So let me tell you two things here:

1) If you EVER try and forge my signature again, I'm telling the Express on you.

2) Don't even DARE think of ordering me to hand the award over, unless you want me to lodge a complaint with the ETU (Equestrian Teacher's Union, in case you don't know).

Again, I'm fine with you kissing Filthy Rich's flank. But don't make ME do it as well.

You'll win the election anyway (and I'll vote for you, I promise!). And I'll pay the rent for the next year, OK?

Hugs and kisses forever,

Cheerilee

There was only one word the Mayor could verbalize. "Darned horse."

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

"Well, it's been nice knowing you all," the Mayor looked at her subordinates. "Now that an elementary school teacher has seen fit to turn Filthy against me, I guess the outcome of this election isn't really in any doubt."

Finance Secretary Bit Coin scribbled down the crestfallen pony's words, ostensibly for the minutes, but really for Lyra's perusal. "Well, you still have the Apples and Fancy Pants," the chestnut pony suggested.

"Great." The politician rolled her eyes. "I've just destroyed the Apples, and Fancy Pants probably doesn't care either way."

"Now now, Mayor," Crimson Ribbon motioned gently. "Election Day is still quite far off. You still have plenty of time to persuade - or manipulate - your electorate."

"Don't you understand!?" the tan mare paced back and forth. "I need money to win. I need money for the advertisements, I need money for the election manpower, I need money for the gifts and mementos. I need Filthy's money."

The gray stallion smiled. "Ah, Mayor, I see. But what you mean, surely, is that you need advertisements, you need election manpower, and you need gifts and mementos."

The Mayor thought about it for a little bit. "Yes... I suppose... but that's the point! I need the money to have those things!"

The bureaucrat's smile grew even wider. "No Ma'am, you don't necessarily need money."

"Wha- what are you talking about! I don't have money, I can't get any of those! You think ponies are going to give this stuff for free?" the politician, stressing her point waved her forelegs wildly.

Crimson Ribbon sagely shook his lead, like some mystical master schooling his inexperienced disciple. "Now, Ma'am... there is an organization that can give you your advertisements, your manpower, and your gifts, without a bit of your cash spent."

Mayor Mare couldn't believe her luck. "What? What organization is this- I've never heard of it!"

Silence.

Security Chief Delta Force politely cleared his throat. Crimson Ribbon continued with his winning smile. Bit Coin scribbled more warning notes to her mint-coated friend.

It took a while for the implications to sink in. "You mean- " the Mayor began warily. "you surely mean... b-but that... this... what? I can't use the government for my own election campaign uses!"

"Well of course not," Crimson Ribbon asserted matter-of-factly. "The civil service is a politically neutral organization, from top to bottom."

"Then what are you talking about?" Mayor Mare made a mental note to have a think about this at home.

The Secretary for Administration shrugged. "I don't know, Ma'am."

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) US universities (in particular) requiring extra-curricular activities in order to be considered for admission. 2) The power of incumbency - usage of the civil service to distribute 'pork'. 90% of Senate incumbents win reelection. 3) Early election cycles - esp. in the USA - due to funding concerns.]

S1E19: A Dog and Pony Show

Season 1 Episode 19 - A Dog and Pony Show

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Negotiations with the Diamond Dogs [ ]

2. Meeting with the Princess Celestia [ ]

3. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ]

Gallop Poll: MAYOR MARE (EQA) 24% / LYRA HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 19% (±3%)

"As you can see," Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon jabbed a hoof at the bottom of the agenda. "I've taken the liberty of adding in poll numbers for your perusal. Now, I do feel obliged to remind you, once again, that these numbers should not form the basis of your political judgment, especially during election season."

"Oh, right. Sure." Mayor Mare made dismissive gestures with her hoof. "In that case, let's begin with- "

The oak door opened without warning. A security guard then barged in, defying all established norms and protocols. "Mayor!" he announced.

"Now what's this?" the politician adjusted her eyeglasses in irritation. "Didn't Mr. Force teach you to knock before- "

"Mayor! The Princess Celestia!" the uniformed stallion stepped to one side. On cue, the Mayor and her subordinate quickly dashed to the doorway, straightening out in rapt attention.

A herald proclaimed the arrival of royalty. "Fillies and gentlecolts! Stand to attention for the Most Royal Princess Celestia- "

"That will be enough, Ad Res. Thank you." The awe-inspiring figure of the alicorn emerged from the corridor.

Everypony in the room prostrated themselves before their ruler. "Hail the Princess!"

"Arise, all." The alicorn commanded. "Now I will be but a while, Mayor. Let us discuss matters in private."

The Mayor signaled for the other ponies to leave the room, the doors swinging shut behind them. The Mayor hurried back to her desk and retrieved the teapot she had saved for herself. "Tea, Your Highness?"

The celestial ruler had settled herself in an armchair. "I'm fine, thank you. Now as I said, this is going to be a short meeting - there are some pressing issues that I have to deal with in Canterlot. And let me also take the opportunity to wish you the best of luck in the upcoming election."

"Thank you, Your Highness." The tan mare gave a bow, retreating to the couch opposite the sovereign.

The ruler of Equestria wasted little time. "So, I have heard that Ms. Rarity has been kidnapped by members of the Diamond Dog Nation."

The Princess sure gets news fast. "Yes, Your Highness," the gray-maned pony nodded. "We were just about to send a top-level mission to the High Chief for negotiations."

"Good. It will be an easy task," the Princess gazed out of the window. "They do have that impending Supreme Court ruling for motivation. Personally, I'm certain that it's only an unruly faction that's gotten out of hand."

"Of course, Your Highness."

"But that's not really what I'm here for," the royal eyes shifted their gaze back onto her subject. "Mayor Mare, how close is this election going to be?"

"Um... I'm sure I'll manage, Your Highness." The bespectacled mare replied cautiously, not wishing to be a burden - or, more critically, be burdened.

"Good," Princess Celestia murmured. "Mayor, I shall ask you not to take any credit for this rescue."

The politician frowned, flicking her ears. "Not take any credit?" she repeated, hoping she had heard wrong.

"Yes." The Defender of the Sun and Moon crushed her hopes. "I want Ms. Sparkle to learn something about pony character, from this little incident. This is important, I assure you."

Argh! These ponies! "Well of course, Your Highness," Mayor Mare had no choice but to display a pained grin. "We will obey your orders to the letter."

The mission complete, Princess Celestia shuffled out of her chair, content. "Thank you for co-operating, Mayor. I will reward you - and Ponyville - at a suitable juncture."

*

High Chief Rex's Doghouse, Appaloosan Caverns

"As you know, the Diamond Dog Nation is quite populous and covers a lot of territory," High Chief Rex, clad in gilded, jeweled robes - rather garish, Crimson Ribbon thought - tried to explain himself to the Equestrian delegate. "It is almost inevitable that individual groups - such as the one led by Chief Rover - will do things which are simply not within our power to control."

"True, perhaps," the gray stallion conceded, putting a handkerchief to his nose in an attempt to dispel the infernal stink. "But all the same, if the Diamond Dog Nation cannot control its own, then this hardly helps your case before the Supreme Court. You know the prosecution's main argument for deportation rests on this one fact: that your tribesdogs present a clear and unambiguous threat to pony life and property."

The High Chief's ears twitched, interpreting the bureaucrat's words as a grave affront to his species' dignity. "Let me remind you, Mr. Ribbon," he asserted gruffly, "that the Diamond Dog Nation has been living in these lands long before the first ponies arrived. Furthermore, this Ms. Rarity had clearly trespassed into our traditional digging grounds. We have the right- "

"Equestria does not view the claims of the Diamond Dog Nation as legal right," the gray stallion stressed, making sure his heavily-armed bodyguards remained beside him. They were. He decided to escalate. "Your Nation is here on sufferance of the Princess Celestia. Now you can release Ms. Rarity and pay adequate compensation, or you can continue talking about 'past injustices' and end up like the Dodo Nation."

The name was unfamiliar. "Who?" the High Chief enquired.

"Exactly," the gray stallion menaced.

A tense silence.

"Now, I will admit that Ms. Rarity is at fault here," Now it was time for the sweeteners. "And she will get a very stern warning back in Ponyville. But you should also consider the Equestrian position. You enjoy an unprecedented amount of autonomy over a huge swath of land - land, I will remind you, that many ponies are desperate to move into. We fend off, literally, hundreds of cases brought on by gem prospectors every year - this Supreme Court case being the latest one. The pressure on the Princess to revoke our Treaty of Friendship is immense. I just ask that you be mindful of political realities."

Another tense silence.

High Chief Rex exhaled helplessly. Of course the outcome was never in doubt. "Mr. Ribbon, I shall command Chief Rover, under no uncertain terms, to release Ms. Rarity at once, and if she has performed any hard labor, to return the fruits of said labor back to her. Will this be sufficient?"

The bureaucrat considered the proposition. "Yes, it will be," he nodded.

"Good. In that case, will you accompany me to Chief Rover's cave and escort Ms. Rarity out of here?"

The gray stallion was not so overwhelmed by success as to forget his mission. "I believe there is another pony mission that is coming for her," he mentioned. "You can order Chief Rover to deliver Ms. Rarity to them."

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Rarity Talks About Her Capture! Extra! Extra! Ponyville Mayor Didn't Do Anything! Extra! Extra!..."

"Close that darned window," Mayor Mare slammed a copy of the Ponyville Express onto the table. Security Chief Delta Force slithered over and slammed the shutters shut.

"This is why we needed Filthy Rich's money," she glared at Crimson Ribbon. "Now the Express is waging all-out war against me: just look at this paragraph! 'When asked by our reporter as to how Ponyville can punish this unprovoked aggression, the Mayor blithely replied that treaty obligations with the Diamond Dogs prevent her from taking any action. As if 'treaty obligations' stopped the Diamond Dogs from attacking us!'"

"It was the right answer for Equestria," the gray stallion, unmoved, answered. "We can't be a country that just breaks treaties whenever the masses demand it."

"To Tartaros with the good of Equestria!" the Mayor chucked the newspaper aside, the broadsheet disintegrating into numerous fluttering pieces. "It won't do me any good!"

"Well, the Foal Free Press supported you," Finance Secretary Bit Coin suggested.

"Yes, but nopony reads the Foal Free Press," the tan mare rolled her eyes. "Even Cheerilee admits it."

"I'm sure this will just be a temporary thing," Delta Force began. "Ponies will get bored of this- "

"Ponies are panic-buying spears and armor, Delta," the Finance Secretary pointed out. "They really think the Diamond Dogs are out to get them."

"And I bet you that the Express isn't going to let this go anytime soon!" the tan mare collapsed into her chair. "I can just see it now," she moaned, forelegs stretched out in an imitation of an advert. "'When the Diamond Dogs attacked Ponyville, what did Mayor Mare do? She did nothing to save our citizen in distress, instead relying on our local rescue team. Well, that's Mayor Mare for you. Can't look out for Ponyville. Won't look out for you.'"

"Ma'am." As usual, the gray stallion's mind was busy with the answer. "I believe this little fracas has risen beyond a... purely political level. We can't have ponies thinking that the government hasn't done anything for them. Some damage control is required."

"Darn right we need damage control," the Mayor growled. "But before you say it, I'm not about to have the royal anger descend upon me as well. You better not be telling me to spill the beans."

"Ma'am," the bureaucrat felt a little lecture coming on. "Two main ways of directing information. One is to control the message; the other, to control the messenger... "

*

The 'Duke of Mane' Restaurant, Ponyville

"Off the record, Mayor," Musk Raker, the editor of the Ponyville Express, confided to the tan pony over dinner. "Of course Mr. Rich told us to focus on the Diamond Dogs business. I mean, you must know the reason behind him just buying this paper all of a sudden... "

"Course," Mayor Mare answered mirthlessly.

"...but then again," Musk Raker tried to alleviate her guilt. "This is a valid story, and your performance here has been sub-par."

The politician tried the easy way first. "Look, Musk, we pulled Ms. Rarity out from the Diamond Dogs. Celestia told us to give the credit to Twilight and her friends."

The bay unicorn suppressed a laugh. She was way too experienced for this amateurish explanation. "How convenient, Mayor."

"It's the truth, by Celestia!" the tan mare hissed fiercely. "I swear!"

"Look, Mayor." The editor put down her fork. "Firstly, you know I can't put that kind of story on the front page. Secondly, I only have your word for it. I mean, do you have any evidence? I could try and slot in a little disclaimer, I guess."

"You can ask Mr. Ribbon," the gray-maned mare started hopefully.

Musk Raker snorted. "Right. A member of your own government. Do you have anypony else; anything else?"

The tan mare slouched to one side in annoyance. "Look, it's meant to be confidential!"

"No evidence, no story." The journalist shrugged. "I may not have a ton of integrity now, but even I won't sink that low."

Great. "So you won't put my side of the story."

"No."

"Not even as a speculation in the opinion pages."

"No."

"Please."

"No."

Mayor Mare let out a long, deep breath. Plan B then. "Ms. Raker, if you're not going to publish my side of the story, you're not publishing any story regarding the Diamond Dogs."

"Oh?" the bay pony mocked, raising her eyebrow in faux curiosity. "And how are you going to do that?"

The Mayor was still reluctant to play her ace. "I'm giving you one last chance to get out of this unscathed, Musk."

The editor remained defiant. Who - besides Mr. Rich - can order me around like this? "Bite me, Mayor," she sneered.

"Fine." The tan pony sharpened her killer instinct. "If you release anything related to the Diamond Dogs in future papers, this government will charge you, and the Ponyville Express, under the Treason Act. You know what it means."

The bay pony remained defiant. "Nopony would vote for a dictatorial control freak."

"Perhaps. But one thing's for sure. I'll tell them why I acted like so. And they'll realize that firstly, you've been lying; secondly, you've been trying to spread discord between dogs and ponies; and thirdly, that you've been telling the government to break a treaty signed by Princess Celestia herself. Last two points are definitely treason material."

Musk Raker took this all in, her face growing increasingly concerned by the minute.

"Come on," Mayor Mare teased. "You're working for Filthy Rich. What happened? And here I thought you were the reporter who uncovered the huge Clouds-for-Arms scandal... "

"Urgh!" the editor tried to flush those triumphant memories from her system. "Alright, alright. I see your point. But I still need something for tomorrow."

"Well, let's see... " the tan pony looked at the scrumptious bowl of salad in front of her. "How about 'Ponyville Mayor has Really Bad Table Manners'?"

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) The fate of the Choctaw, Creek and Cherokee tribes during the 1830s (ending in the Trail of Tears). 2) 'Yellow Press', e.g. sensational and usually jingoistic stories (most notably in the Spanish-American War). 3) Negotiations that let celebrity politicians get the credit (Bill Clinton's North Korea mission?)]

S1E20: Green Isn't Your Color

Season 1 Episode 20 - Green Isn't Your Color

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Ponyville Express Headline [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ]

Gallop Poll: MAYOR MARE (EQA) 31% / LYRA HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 30% (±4%)

Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon glanced down at the latest edition of the Ponyville Express. "FLUTTERSHY SUPPORTS LYRA HEARTSTRINGS", the headline screamed in bold, satisfied letters.

The gray stallion decided not to comment on this for the moment. He turned to the frustrated Mayor, busy grumbling over the short agenda on her desk. "Now Ma'am, you could hardly expect your popularity to go much higher, given your performance in the hostage crisis."

"I fulfilled my mission to the letter, Mr. Ribbon," the bespectacled mare glared up at her subordinate.

"But not in the eyes of the public, Ma'am," the gray stallion replied, wringing his hooves regrettably. "Not in the eyes of the public."

"Oh, the public... " Mayor Mare spat out those words with almost undisguised contempt. "You know, sometimes, I think an autocracy would make things so much easier."

"I daresay the Princess Celestia doesn't have it that much easier, Mayor."

"Don't be ridiculous. No pony would dare do this to the Princess," the gray-maned mare pointed with scarcely-concealed disgust at the Express.

"See it as the price of you not needing to wake up at dawn to raise the Sun," the bureaucrat consoled. "And, in any case, few Equestrian tyrants - Discord, Nightmare Moon, Sombra - have enjoyed happy endings."

"Of course, of course," the gray-maned mare waved a dismissive hoof around. "Well, Mr. Ribbon, if anything, I do have to commend you on being spot-on with your priorities here in the agenda."

Crimson Ribbon gave his mysterious smile. That's because you politicians are so predictable. "Ma'am, call it professional intuition."

The Mayor stared at the Express, ears twitching as she did so. "Fluttershy... Mr. Ribbon, you know what to do."

The bureaucrat bowed. "Yes, Ma'am. I shall bring the Ranger in at once."

*

The yellow pegasus, trembling from head to hoof, gingerly took a seat opposite the Mayor. She was, as expected, well-made up: her hair and her face, the object of hours of lavish pampering... but what in Celestia's name was she wearing!?

Fluttershy wore was a normal orange dress: normal, that is, if one discounted the shards of wood and glass stuck haphazardly to its skirt, and the gaudy golden ribbons sewn onto its hem. Mayor Mare resisted the temptation to retch. Typical Manehattan designers.

"Yes, M-Mayor?" the shy pegasus began, body tense with anticipated horror: she remembered what happened the last time she was here.

"What? Ah yes." The tan mare's mind freed itself from the tar-pits of fashion. "Yes, Ranger Fluttershy. Firstly, congratulations on making it big. I assure you, your contribution to Ponyville will be greatly rewarded. But more on that later."

Fluttershy's head lowered. She took no pride in such accolades. "Thank you, Mayor Mare. I guess."

"But- " Mayor Mare's words sent the pegasus' body seizing up again. "Ms. Fluttershy, please remember that you are still a public servant. A Ranger, I might add."

The pegasus raised her head back up again, revealing a set of please, quivering eyes. "Oh, I remember, M-Mayor; I do remember this! P-Please don't- "

"Civil servants aren't supposed to take political stances, Ranger Fluttershy," the bespectacled mare slid a copy of the Express over the desk. "What you did gravely damages the- "

The pink-maned pegasus' whimpering interjected. "I-I'm s-sorry, M-Mayor!" Fluttershy stammered as she broke out into tears, water streaking down her cheeks and making a scene on her face. "I-I- was j- j-just walking p-past, I s-swear! I-I- " her apologies quickly degraded into a series of pitiful, unintelligible mewls.

"Now, now, Ranger Fluttershy," Mayor Mare, slightly taken aback by the overreaction, tried to soothe the terrified pegasus. "It's not a big deal. Mistakes can happen. And you've done so much for Ponyville- "

The shy pegasus continued to bawl and cower. The gray-maned mare sighed in impatient annoyance. "Ranger Fluttershy, we're not firing you, alright? Now please, sit up, we have other things to discuss- "

The words had barely left the Mayor's mouth before the yellow pegasus bolted upright in her seat, her face rigid with horrorstruck anticipation.

The politician decided not to press her fragile subordinate any further. She needed Fluttershy's help for something more important. "Ms. Fluttershy, I was wondering: when would you be free for a little awards ceremony in Ponyville?" Well, okay, 'little' might be an understatement.

"Um... but I'm... oh, whenever, Mayor, whenever!" the shy pony responded hastily. "I-I'll make time for you, Mayor!"

"Good!" Mayor Mare clapped her hooves together. "How about... tomorrow then?"

"Yes, alright- " Fluttershy's eyes suddenly shot wide as a suspicion crashed into her brain. "W-wait!" she blurted out, terror gripping her once more. "O-oh, Mayor, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize this was a t-test! P-please d-don't fail me, Mayor, please!" The pink-maned pegasus scampered off her seat and proceeded to prostrate her trembling body before the Mayor. "P-please, Mayor, p-please!"

The tan pony was nonplussed. "Test? What test?"

The shy pony's forced her body even lower onto the ground. "Y-you said earlier that p-public servants aren't s-supposed to t-take political stances... "

Is my plan this transparent? Mayor Mare's mind groped around for an explanation. "Well, Ranger- I mean, Ms. Fluttershy, I think this event should be alright. After all, you're going as a model, not as a Ranger."

The pink-maned pony tried to rationalize this logical contortion, still unsure whether the test was still in progress. "But... isn't that still me, Mayor? Oh please, don't fire me!" she lapsed back into a fitful anguish, her body once again crumpling to the ground.

"It's just a question of hats, Ranger Fluttershy," Mayor Mare explained diplomatically, bringing the pegasus back to her hooves. "Like today, you're wearing your Ranger hat; and tomorrow, you'll be wearing your model hat. There's no wrongdoing here at all. And tomorrow, we can all be happy. For you."

The animal-loving pony was too scared to enquire any further.

Best not excite her again. "Well then, Fluttershy, stay here for as long as you want." The Mayor stood up with a stack of folders, ready for an evacuation to the Cabinet Room. "I see you're a bit fragile today. Hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow."

*

The Marketplace, Ponyville

The marketplace teemed with excited ponies, eager to catch a glimpse of Ponyville's newest star. A small group of dedicated fans, unfurling a large 'WE LOVE FLUTTERSHY' banner, bickered and jostled at the front, preparing to unleash their teenage caterwauling on the rest of ponykind.

Backstage, Mayor Mare trotted to and fro. Fluttershy was shaking with stage-fright, despite the best efforts of her friends. Photo Finish and her team were some ways off, enjoying some Arabian coffee.

The tan pony couldn't help but note that Rarity was standing some way off from the other ponies, her mind seemingly focused on other matters.

"It'll be fine, Fluttershy! The ponies outside are really nice; there's nothing out there to be afraid of!" Rainbow Dash uttered reassuring words.

The shy pony was too paralyzed to respond. She simply shook her head frantically, as if her fears could be tossed out into the surrounding ether.

A flustered Twilight Sparkle sighed. She appealed to the Mayor. "I don't think she's able to go out like this."

"Oh my. That would be most unfortunate," Mayor Mare frowned. You don't gather the whole town here and not give them what they want.

Of course the magical unicorn could read between the lines. "Well... I guess I could put a deafening spell on her... she won't be able to hear the crowd then. Then she can just close her eyes and only open them when she's on the podium. Will that be alright then, Fluttershy?" Twilight asked the yellow pegasus.

The yellow pegasus looked at Mayor Mare. The politician narrowed her eyes. Fluttershy turned back to the lavender mare and nodded. Twilight lowered her head in concentration. "Alright, here goes... "

The spell was cast. The tan pony took the yellow pegasus' hoof. "Close your eyes, Ms. Fluttershy."

No response from the temporarily-deaf pegasus. Well, of course. Mayor Mare manually shut the pegasus' eyelids and put a pair of disguising shades on her. It was time to go out into the open.

The screaming and stomping that greeted the duo was intense. "Flut-ter-shy! Flut-ter-shy! Flut-ter-shy!" The ponies yelled and shrieked again and again, waving banners, tossing posters, displaying memorabilia. If only MY rallies were so enthusiastic... oh, wait.

Mayor Mare put Fluttershy on the podium, she herself standing by the pegasus' side, microphone in hoof. "Fillies and gentlecolts!" the bespectacled mare announced, going into full-on election mode. "Ponyville, once again, has produced a new star for Equestria! Her name this time is... "

"Flut-ter-shy! Flut-ter-shy! Flut-ter-shy!" the crowd roared in a feverish frenzy.

The gray-maned mare beamed. "And as thanks from all of us here in Ponyville, I am honored to present Ms. Fluttershy with the Golden Apple Award, given to those select few who have made a wonderful contribution to our great town!"

More stamping and cheering. Confetti drifted down from the ceiling. "Flut-ter-shy! Flut-ter-shy! Flut-ter-shy!"

"First, before we present the award, let's hear a few words from- "

"Fluttershy! Fluttershy!" the crowd couldn't resist the temptation, baying and hollering once again with all their might.

Mayor Mare tapped Fluttershy twice on her back. "The stage is yours, Ms. Fluttershy!" she declared, struggling to raise her voice above the din of the crazed crowd. "Go get 'em, filly!"

Fluttershy cleared her throat. And almost as if in a trance, the crowd abruptly fell silent. The yellow pegasus, never once raising her head above the podium, smoothed out her prepared speech and cleared her throat. Every ear straightened out in rapt attention.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," the shy pony read, voice revealing itself as a soulless monotone - she was deaf, after all. "I would like to express the opportunity here to thank the Mayor and my friends for this wonderful opportunity. As you know, the opinion of fashionistas on Ponyville is rather low."

Too late, Mayor Mare realized a grave flaw in her plan. By Celestia, of all the things I prepared for - I can't believe I forgot to check Fluttershy's speech!

"And this may be justified, because of the distance this town is from the fashion capitals of Manehattan. But ugly clothes remain ugly clothes - and, hopefully, with my help, the designer houses of Armanei, Michael Horse and Marc Neighcobs will flood into Ponyville... "

An increasingly pale Mayor Mare glided under the gaze of the shocked and speechless crowd and exited the stage. "Does Ms. Fluttershy really think like this!?" she hissed at a concerned Twilight Sparkle.

Rarity instinctively jumped to her friend's defense. "Mayor, Fluttershy would never say such a thing! Oh my stars, it must be that Photo Finish - she must have written that speech for her - Mayor, please, please, you have to get Fluttershy out of there!"

Mayor Mare scanned backstage. Photo Finish and her crew were nowhere to be found. She ran back out into the open.

The crowd was no longer speechless. "What are you talking about!?" an angry voice erupted from the mass, which was fast turning hostile. "You want to drive all of Ponyville's dressmakers out of business?"

"Yeah!" "Boo!" A few voices sounded their agreement.

Fluttershy couldn't hear any of it. "- the best dress I wore this season was undoubtedly this inestimably chic and haute-couture design from Blueberry- "

The tan mare hastily tapped Fluttershy's back. "- and I must say, there isn't anything in Ponyville which seems to compare- "

Mayor Mare tapped Fluttershy's back again. "- which is a shame, because Equestria has so many good designers that could introduce- "

Out of options, the politician shunted the pegasus out of the way. "Sorry, Ms. Fluttershy," she mouthed at the stunned pegasus.

"Sorry, everypony," Mayor Mare flashed a cheesy grin in an attempt to salvage what little atmosphere remained. "We have some bad weather coming in, so we need to give the award, like, right now. Alright, Fluttershy, please receive the Golden Apple Award... "

A sullen silence from the audience. A cold chill ran down the bespectacled mare's spine as she handed the trophy over to the yellow pegasus.

"I object!" a lone voice sounded out from the assembled horde below, followed by several disorganized shouts of agreement. Mayor Mare ignored them.

"Alright then, Ponyvillians, show's over!" the politician hastily announced to the crowd, as she ushered Fluttershy back to her horrified friends and a smug Photo Finish.

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

"MAYOR MARE RAILS AGAINST LOCAL DRESSMAKERS", the headline of the Ponyville Express screeched with unabashed glee.

"So far we've gotten around forty complaints from Ponyville vendors, with more to come via post," Crimson Ribbon read out statistics mercilessly. "I have to say, it wasn't the best of moves, Ma'am."

"Urgh," Mayor Mare groaned. "Who would have known that Ms. Fluttershy would just read off that speech without thinking."

"You could have disavowed her speech, I suppose," Security Chief Delta Force suggested.

The bespectacled mare snorted in derision. "Oh, I didn't realize the Express would have been so forgiving."

"Well, ultimately, Ma'am, you told her to go up there," Finance Secretary Bit Coin said. "You can't expect everypony to be good at public speaking."

"Oh, just shut up." The tan pony banged her head against the oak table. "I've already gotten my just desserts."

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Weird fashion designs (usually for catwalks rather than for mass consumption) 2) Celebrity endorsements gone wrong (e.g. Clint Eastwood, 2012 Republican National Convention)]

(Thanks to silvadel for pointing out potential plot hole: Why doesn't Mayor Mare simply disavow Fluttershy's speech and let the pegasus, a rumored Lyra supporter, take the blame?)

S1E21: Over A Barrel

Season 1 Episode 21 - Over A Barrel

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Reverse the Slide in Poll Numbers [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ]

Gallop Poll: MAYOR MARE (EQA) 27% / LYRA HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 40% (±3%)

The insistent sound of drums, fifes and lockstep marching resonated throughout the damp morning air.

"On the left, on the right, and now we march;
To the North, to the South, and up Big Arch!
And fie! Tremble, our enemy;
They'll flee before our Grand Army!
At the front, at the back, the flag held high;
Yellow Sun, Silver Moon, Equestrian Sky;
And roar! One great charge they'll see;
They'll run before brave soldiers we!... "

The sounds of the militia faded as they headed out onto the Canterlot Trunk Road. Twilight Sparkle turned back from the window, her face betraying infinite concern. "The Princess can't have ordered this," she muttered under her breath. "This won't do anything but antagonize the Buffalo Nation further!"

Mayor Mare groaned in agreement, setting down her agenda onto the wooden desk. "I'm just following orders, Ms. Sparkle. Trust me: like I'd want voters to go missing for indefinite periods, right in the middle of election season."

The magical unicorn remained mired in her own musings.

The politician leant closer. "To be frank, Ms. Sparkle, the Princess is probably doing this because of the Manehattan Train Company. After all, the only goal of this nationwide levy is to defend the railroad."

"I guess so." Twilight Sparkle had read her fair share of political theory. She understood that even the omnipotent Princess had to operate within constraints, no matter how hard her altruistic mind reasoned against it.

"Anyway." Mayor Mare was keen to change the subject. "Ms. Sparkle, the object of our meeting today is to- "

"- help you with a survey; yes, Mayor," the magical unicorn finished the Mayor's sentence, but not without a tinge of uneasiness. "Applejack told me about it."

"Good!" the tan pony clapped her hooves together. "Since you're such a good scientist and everything, I'm asking you to help me gather information on the political stances of Ponyvillians. To better help co-ordinate my political campaign, you know. Which wards to concentrate on, what to say, all that."

"Political stances... " Twilight Sparkle mulled it over in her head. "Don't you already have Gallop for that?"

"Gallop's not precise enough, Twilight," the Mayor answered. "And I doubt Manehattan scholars, in their ivory towers, can even point to Ponyville on a map, much less give precise data regarding its citizens."

Suspicion nonetheless reared its head within the Princess' prize pupil. "You just want to get better numbers, don't you?"

"Ideally, yes. But for now, I need more information on Ponyville. Campaign needs."

The unicorn's eyes narrowed.

"Please, Ms. Sparkle," the Mayor finally played her trump card. "I did take a lot of flak due to Fluttershy's faux pas."

Twilight looked away in defeat. Not that she ever had much choice in the matter. "Oh all right, Mayor. Please give me the questions, and I'll ask the citizens for you."

*

Tenth Ward, Ponyville

The golden-maned pony standing at the doorway was not amused.

Mayor Mare cleared her throat, hoping that she would be third time lucky. "Hello there. I'm Mayor- "

"I can't believe you still have the guts to beg for votes around here, after what you let Fluttershy say on stage!" the constituent snarled. "My husband's a tailor, I'll have you know!"

Oh great. "I'm terribly sorry, I had no idea what- "

"I'm not going to vote for you! Get lost!" The door slammed in Mayor Mare's face.

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Mayor came back from her lunch break in a mirthless funk.

"Ma'am, you still have plenty of time." Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon reassured the glum mare. "A ten-percent difference is not... insurmountable, I guess."

"Mmph." The Mayor was in no mood for motivation. "Even with the new survey, this just gets more and more hopeless... "

The gray stallion's ears pricked up at the mention. "New survey?" he repeated. "You mean the Gallop Poll?"

The tan mare shook her head sadly. "No, no. I'm asking Ms. Sparkle to conduct a detailed survey of Ponyville. You know, so we can concentrate resources. But it just seems so hopeless." Mayor Mare concluded with a depressed sigh.

Crimson Ribbon felt just the opposite. He crossed his forelegs. "Well, that's survey's part of your solution."

The bespectacled mare looked at her subordinate, frowning and incredulous. "Whatever are you talking about? I just told you, the survey won't help- "

"No no, Mayor," the bureaucrat cooed condescendingly. "That's because you're using your survey to find out what people think. A most preposterous notion."

The politician rubbed her uncomprehending temples. "Just get to the point, Mr. Ribbon."

"Ah, Ma'am, but this is a political matter- "

"You're fired, Mr. Ribbon. Now tell me what the solution is, and you can get your job back." Mayor Mare was used to this charade by now.

"Very well, Ma'am. Now, do you have your survey in hoof?"

The bespectacled mare handed over a piece of paper.

The ex-Secretary for Administration tut-tutted as he examined the questions before him. "Oh Mayor, surely you want to be an opinion leader, not a follower."

Stop speaking in cryptic! "What do you mean, Mr. Ribbon?"

The gray stallion smiled in anticipation. "Let's go over these questions, shall we?"

*

1a. What is your opinion of the economy at present?

1b. Which candidate, do you think, will be better for the economy?

"So you see," Crimson Ribbon commented. "These questions don't help your cause. Ponies, being the optimistic creatures that they are, are bound to believe that Lyra can bring about better economic conditions. You're asking them to compare reality versus dreams."

"I guess so... " Mayor Mare's heart beat just a little faster.

"Now," the ex-bureaucrat said, nibbling at the tip of his quill, "let's try and correct your questions." He scribbled a couple of thoughts on the margins.

1a. What do you think of current tax rates at present?

1b. What do you think of Lyra Heartstrings' proposal to raise the mean tax by 2%?

1c. What do you think of Mayor Mare's proposal to freeze tax rates?

1d. Which candidate, do you think, will be better for the economy?

The gray-maned mare scrutinized the changes in vain. "I don't see how this helps me gather information."

"It helps you a lot, Mayor," the bureaucrat replied. "Look. Firstly, we've re-defined 'the economy' in terms of tax rates. We've 'focused' the debate, so to speak. You can see how that helps."

"I guess," the Mayor said, still unclear as to where this was going.

The ex-Secretary for Administration continued. "Secondly, we've shown that Lyra Heartstrings has the 'worse' tax plan- "

"She's only raising taxes on the rich," the tan pony corrected the bureaucrat. "It's only worse for them."

"- which is why we are using mean tax rate, rather than median tax rate, Mayor. By showing the percentage of tax each pony pays on average, we disguise the distribution of the tax rise. It would take a sharp pony to realize that."

"Okay," the gray-maned pony could see that being a good thing, in another set of circumstances. "But how are these questions helping me understand what Ponyvillians want?"

Crimson Ribbon sighed in frustration, opting to move onto the next question. "Like I said, do you want to be an opinion follower, or an opinion leader?"

*

2a. What is your opinion on crime?

2b. Which candidate, do you think, will be better on crime?

"Again," the gray stallion pointed out, "these questions play straight into Lyra's hooves. I've yet to see a public who wants more crime, and I've yet to see a political candidate who doesn't promise to be tougher on crime."

"Well, Lyra's plans to extend police powers and simplify judicial procedures do seem reasonable," Mayor Mare admitted through gritted teeth.

"Are they?" the ex-bureaucrat smirked, quill in hoof. "It's all about the right questions, Mayor."

2a. What is your opinion on the importance of freedom?

2b. Do you think that we should preserve our current liberties and rights?

2c. Do you think we should be wary of government attempts to restrict our freedoms?

2d. What do you think of the proposal to extend police powers and eliminate judicial procedures?

Crimson Ribbon read the modified questions out loud. "See? What was once a strength now becomes a very serious liability."

"Well, I see how that can happen," Mayor Mare began. "After all, you'd almost be a foal to answer 'no' to any of those leading questions. But still I have to ask: what has this got to do with surveying?"

"Urgh!" The ex-Secretary for Administration slapped his hoof against his head. "It's obvious! Can't you see, Ma'am?"

The politician was nonplussed. "See what?"

The gray stallion let out another sigh of annoyance. "You just saw me change two survey questions, which then gave totally different answers compared with the originals. Surely you can see that surveying is, all too often, a pointless task."

"Oh... " the bespectacled mare let those words slowly sink into her brain. "Oh."

"Really, surveys are only good for changing opinion, not gauging it."

Mayor Mare understood. "So what I'm really doing here is hitting back at Lyra."

The ex-bureaucrat nodded in exasperation. "Finally. And with both Big Money and the Express conspiring against you, this has become the best way of getting your message across."

The tan mare adjusted her glasses, amazed that she hadn't thought of this before. "I see. On to the next question, then."

*

3. How do you rate Mayor Mare's tenure?

A. Good

B. Satisfactory

C. Average

D. Poor

E. Bad

F. No Opinion.

And with a few flicks of his quill, Crimson Ribbon showed his handiwork to his ex-boss.

3. How do you rate Mayor Mare's tenure?

A. Average and Above.

B. Below Average.

C. Bad.

D. Extremely Bad.

E. No Opinion.

Mayor Mare glared back at her ex-subordinate. "You really think my tenure was that bad?"

"But no, Ma'am." Crimson Ribbon shook his head deliberately. "I'm trying to save you."

The tan pony remained unconvinced. "How does giving three choices for 'bad' save me?"

Oh Mayor," the ex-bureaucrat grinned. "Firstly, this poll now looks like something done by Lyra - removing suspicion from you. Secondly- "

"Ah, I get it." The bespectacled mare, after another perusal, was enlightened.

Best make sure. "Secondly, by breaking the anti-Mayor camp into three choices, you get to demonstrate your relative popularity with cold hard facts."

The gray-maned pony couldn't help but smile herself. "What an interesting use for a survey."

*

"No survey is complete without some ad-equum attack, methinks," Crimson Ribbon remarked, as he as he considered what to write for the final question.

"Something like 'What do you think of Lyra Heartstrings trying to bankrupt Ponyville?'" Mayor Mare suggested.

The bureaucrat shook his head immediately. "It's so obviously a hatchet job. Plus, we're eventually going to get questioned and burnt by that sort of rumor - I'm sure you'd like to keep the details of our near-bankruptcy secret. No, we need a stealth rumor which, should Lyra deny it, would only strengthen its believability... ah. Let's try this... " Quill danced across the paper.

4a. What is your opinion of Lyra Heartstrings?

4b. Will your opinion of Lyra Heartstrings change, if you knew that she has been holding secret meetings with the Buffalo Nation?

The tan mare's lips curled upwards in a cruel smile. "Taking advantage of our nascent patriotism. Smart."

"What's more," the bureaucrat added. "This fits the public's conception of what politicians are like: you know, backroom deals and all that. And, of course, this isn't something which any politician can admit to. So denying it just adds fuel to the fire."

The gray-maned pony sniggered. "I have no idea where the public gets that conception from."

"Neither do I, Ma'am. Neither do I."

Now the two ponies drew back and reviewed their handiwork. The remnants of Mayor Mare's glumness vanished as she re-read the revised questionnaire. In its place was a face that displayed nothing but pure satisfaction.

"I think we have a good survey here," Crimson Ribbon concluded their thoughts on the matter. "As far as your campaign is concerned."

"Indeed," the politician nodded. "You know, Mr. Ribbon, I think you're the stallion I want for the position of Secretary for Administration... "

*

The Library, Ponyville

Twilight Sparkle examined the questionnaire, the furrows on her forehead deepening by the second. "Are you sure these are the questions you want me to survey, Mayor?"

"What's wrong with them?" Mayor Mare enquired innocently.

The magical unicorn tried to put a hoof on her unease. "Well... it's just that these are... strange questions to ask; I mean, look at 2a!" She jabbed at the piece of paper. "Your opinion on the importance of freedom? How are you supposed to get any meaningful data from that?"

"I've been advised of its utility," the politician lied through her teeth.

The purple pony drew back, bewildered. "Well, what about 3? Why would you want to know how many ponies hate you?"

"Avoiding places during canvassing," came the curt response.

Lavender eyes moved down the paper. "Hmm... well, 4 is unexpected: you mean Lyra's been meeting with the Buffalo Nation? The same Buffalo Nation whom we're defending the railroad against?"

"There have been rumors to that effect," Mayor Mare kept her statement fuzzy.

"Wow... " Twilight blinked, seemingly unable to accept these revelations. "Well, it's good that she's talking. Could help the militia, I guess. But still, it sounds like political suicide. Lyra couldn't be that foalish."

The bespectacled mare grinned. "Well, if it's not true, she can deny it."

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) Military Marches (the lyrics are set to the tune of the 'Yorckscher Marsch' by Beethoven). 2) Canvassing in the UK. 3) Polling techniques (a subject of discussion in Yes, Minister): technical terms, leading questions, misleading multiple-choices. 4) The infamous whispering campaign conducted by Karl Rove against John McCain during the 2000 South Carolina primaries.]

S1E22: A Bird in the Hoof

Season 1 Episode 22 - A Bird in the Hoof

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Meeting with the Princess Celestia [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ]

Gallop Poll: MAYOR MARE (EQA) 35% / LYRA HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 37% (±4%)

Crimson Ribbon, Secretary for Administration, was busy reading out bad news. "... inflation has increased by six percentage points; the Ponyville Post Office has lost 300 parcels; the Equestrian Engineers' Association rates the Wade S. Mare Memorial Bridge as being 'dangerously unsafe'- "

"That is a lot of bad news, Mr. Ribbon," Mayor Mare mentioned concernedly, looking up from her agenda. "Won't the Express- "

The gray bureaucrat looked up with a soothing smile. "Mayor," he reassured his superior, "this is all the bad news we've been saving up for the past three months. Weekend plus a Royal Visit, you see. Perfect time to unleash the news dump. The Express won't bother."

The tan mare was unconvinced. "And what makes you think the Express, who, I will remind you, is out to get me, won't even try to- "

Her reasoning was rudely cut short. The doors swung open with an audible bang, revealing behind them a haughty, scowling soldier of the Royal Guard, striking a pose that signaled an impending royal announcement. "Mayor Mare, the Princess Celestia approaches!"

"Princess Celestia?" the tan pony asked incredulously, nevertheless scrambling to her hooves. "She's half an hour early..."

The awful majesty of Equestria's ruler came into sight, silencing whatever remaining words of protest were emanating from the bespectacled mare's mouth. Quick as a flash, she, along with her Secretary for Administration, rushed to the front of the imperious alicorn and flung themselves down before her dread figure. "All hail the Princess Celestia!" the two ponies hollered in unison.

"Arise," the God-Ruler commanded to her subjects. The two ponies complied meekly, standing respectfully to one side as their lady swept into the room.

Princess Celestia took her seat on a nearby armchair, beckoning the Mayor to come sit. Crimson Ribbon responded with a polite bow and took his leave.

The heavy doors swung shut. The room recessed into a deafening silence, with nary but the breaths of the two souls inside punctuating the stillness.

Without asking, she levitated Mayor Mare's teapot over and poured her subject a cup of hot brew. She first broke the ice. "As you can see, Mayor," still focusing on the teacup, the Defender of the Sun and Moon chose her words matter-of-factly. "I live up to my promises. You have helped me in the Diamond Dogs, and now I hold up my side of the bargain."

"Indeed, Your Majesty, you have," the politician responded quizzically, wondering where this conversation was heading, and what possible topic could elicit such urgency from the Princess.

Equestria's Ruler handed the crockery over to the tan pony. "No doubt this will be the perfect day for your government to toss whatever unwanted refuse into the ether. But let me remind you that I have told the citizens that you have requested my presence. Doubtless you understand that to say otherwise would have given rise to the suspicion of favoritism."

"I remember that from your summons, Your Highness," Mayor Mare answered formulaically. The Princess was taking her sweet time getting to the point; this probably meant bad news was just around the corner...

"Now then, let us finally get down to business," Princess Celestia, noting the Mayor's reticence, finally began. "It is the opinion of the Princess Luna that Equestrian education is hopelessly out-of-date. Too much emphasis on freedom of thought, not enough emphasis on rote learning and memorization."

"Ah." The tan pony took a few seconds to frame her argument in the most respectable light possible. "That is a rather... medieval outlook on education."

"Indeed." The Ruler of Equestria nodded, conjuring a scroll out of thin air. "But nevertheless, the Princess Luna's reasoning seems sound, as you will see."

The alicorn magically unfurled the parchment and began to read in a droning monotone that exemplified her own revulsion. "'Competitive, difficult exams for which pupils must prepare by memorizing large amounts of facts and concepts will promote motivation, solidify knowledge and guarantee standards.' You get the point."

Princess Celestia proceeded to give her comment as the scroll returned to nothingness with a shimmering twinkle. "Now, I have no doubt that this is partially correct. The scientific research by Professor Witherham seems to indicate so. The Princess Luna, if nothing else, has been rigorous in her research."

Mayor Mare was attuned enough to realize that Her Majesty's voice implied otherwise. So lucky for me that Cheerilee's a teacher, the tan pony thought, as she fished around in her mind for the common rebuttals against such an approach. "Well... what about creativity? What about the skills to analyze? Princess Luna's plan would seem to, uh, disregard these elements of a good education."

The alicorn exhaled deeply, perhaps with some slight relief. "Indeed, Mayor. But this is only one aspect of the issue that we face now." With these words, Equestria's Ruler conjured up another scroll and magically unraveled its contents in front of the politician. "I give you the list of her proposed changes to our current system."

Mayor Mare did a quick scan. Linking teacher's pay to performance... letting parents decide which schools to go to... inspectors to rate schools according to performance... "Umm... Your Highness, these plans might trigger some... discontent within the teaching community," the tan pony reminded helpfully, knowing full well that this was what the Princess wanted her to say. "This could negatively affect social harmony."

Princess Celestia nodded. "You are prescient, Mayor."

"Comes with the profession," the bespectacled mare joked unashamedly.

The alicorn smiled mysteriously. "Good, Mayor Mare. You will understand, then, that what I need to prove to Princess Luna is the fact that our educational system, as it is, works perfectly well."

"Of course," Mayor Mare responded instinctively, eyes widening, too late, at the realization that-

"And thus, you will understand why I have volunteered Ponyville for this task," the Princess calmly slipped the noose over her subject's neck.

The tan mare's smirk vanished in an instant. "P-ponyville?"

"Yes, Ponyville," the Ruler of Equestria serenely began pouring out her cup of tea.

Silence returned to the room, punctured only with the sound of softly outpouring brew.

Mayor Mare tried to recover. "W-why not Manehattan?"

"Too large," the Princess answered. "I need a guarantee that Luna's inspectors will pick out students who will satisfy her high expectations of Equestrian education. And Ponyville - home to Twilight Sparkle, Miss Cheerilee and, dare I say, Mayor Mare yourself - surely has the most finely-educated batch of youth anywhere in the realm."

The bespectacled mare, in a rare break from tradition, did not accept the flattery happily. "Your Highness, surely you can ask the Princess Luna to desist- "

"You will understand that she will need to have some role in administration, if she is to keep her darker side at bay."

"Princess," the Mayor tried her best not to fall into Celestia's trap. "I must insist- "

The alicorn frowned. "Surely, Mayor Mare, you can see that the ramifications of this extend to the entirety of Equestria."

Horseapples! "Yes, but- "

"Mayor Mare," the Princess chided gently, "I have come to visit today."

"But- "

"There will be a lot riding on this, Mayor Mare," the sovereign continued, a twinge of threat emanating from her soothing voice. "A lot."

"Please, Princess- "

"Now, Mayor Mare," the Princess got up from her chair, her magnificent figure towering over her subject. "Will you accept this most important task?"

The politician was thoroughly cornered. "Yes, Your Highness," Mayor Mare had little choice but to say dejectedly.

The Princess Celestia broke out into a knowing smile.

*

Ponyville Schoolhouse, Ponyville

Heaving and huffing, Mayor Mare stumbled into the now-emptied classroom. "Ch- Cheerie!" she wheezed at the violet schoolteacher, who was then poring over a morass of paper.

"Mom?" The purple mare quickly got off her seat and gingerly escorted her mother towards her workspace, gently pushing the exhausted pony into the parent's chair. "Oh, what happened to you? I thought you were going to meet with the Princess!"

The tan pony was in no mood for explanation. "Tests... tests!" she panted desperately. "Need... need them... now!... give!"

Cheerilee was slightly taken aback. "Mom, you know I can't do that under the Union Regul- "

"To Tartaros with that!" Mayor Mare snapped, lunging at the confused stack of quizzes and answers. She grabbed one sheet of paper. Twist - 60/100. No!

She grabbed another sheet of paper. Silver Spoon - 50/100. No, no!

Mayor Mare stuck her hoof deep in the pile and drew out her last sheet. Surely, surely... Scootaloo - 30/100. No, no, no!

"MOM!" Cheerilee's furious voice finally breached the growing storm of failure and despair swirling within the bespectacled mare. "What in the name of Celestia are you doing!"

The tan pony didn't respond for some while, merely standing there, swooning to and fro, looking ready to collapse in a lifeless heap-

The disappointment in Princess Celestia's voice was manifestly evident. "Mayor Mare, I thought I could trust you - and now, my plans for Equestria are going to be ruined because of you... you'd better begin clearing that Mayor's desk for Lyra Heartstrings...

A cold shiver zapped down the politician's spine. She turned back to Cheerilee. The purple pony's eyes widened at the manic look in the politician's eyes. "A-are you all right?" the teacher squeaked, slowly backing up into the wall.

"These tests," the Mayor abruptly declared, no small amount of iron frothing forth from her voice. "These test scores. Get. Them. Up!"

*

Ponyville Park, Ponyville

"A final word, Mayor Mare, before I leave." The Princess Celestia was standing next to her carriage, a radiant phoenix perched imperiously beside her. The alicorn, however, didn't seem so happy.

The tan mare scuttled over in front of the unicorn and prostrated herself deeply, heart filled with impending dread.

The Ruler of Equestria spoke slowly and deliberately. "It seems that your Ranger has no idea what a phoenix is, not to mention what the life-cycle of a phoenix is like. This does not bode well for the educational system in Ponyville."

Mayor Mare dared not look up at the Princess. "W-well, Your Highness," she scrambled around for an explanation. "P-phoenixes are r-rare in Eq-questria- "

"She is a Ranger, Mayor," the alicorn interrupted with finality.

The bespectacled mare's heart skipped a beat. "I- we'll t-try our best to address this," she replied fearfully. "W-we just n-need some t-time... "

"The inspectors are coming in a few days. You don't have time, Mayor Mare."

"W-we'll think of s-something, Your H-highness... "

"The fate of Equestrian education rests in your hooves, Mayor. I need you to succeed."

And with that, the dread Princess boarded her carriage and took to flight, happy Philomena soaring alongside her entourage. The impetuous cry of the immortal bird, newly liberated from the shackles of pain and death, only added to the sense of doom building up in the tan pony, whose body was still down in the cold, wet mud.

*

Mayor Mare's House, Ponyville

"What?!" Cheerilee screamed in disbelief as her copy of Black Beauty thudded onto the floor. "You want Twilight Sparkle to what?!"

"Only for the time being, Cheerie, only for the time being!" Mayor Mare yelled back from the upstairs landing. "For Celestia's sake, help your mom for once!"

"No, no!" the schoolteacher hastily corrected herself, suppressing her own outburst of jealousy. "I mean... w-what if the Teacher's Union found out? They'll drive me out of the profession! I'm supposed to be enforcing their rules in the Ponyville District - I can't possibly let an unqualified pony teach!"

An audible groan from above. "Look, Cheerie, how many ponies are under your jurisdiction?"

"Well, one... me."

"So just keep your mouth shut about this whole darned business!" Mayor Mare ended this idiotic conversation.

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) The practice of a 'Friday News Dump' or 'Important Day News Dump' (of which Jo Moore in 2001 was the most notorious) to get rid of bad news. 2) Educational Reform (particular quote from current UK Educational Secretary Michael Gove)]

Sorry for being absent; blame exams (which have been going on for three weeks now).

S1E23: The Cutie Mark Chronicles

Season 1 Episode 22 - The Cutie Mark Chronicles

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Education Inspectors! [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ]

Gallop Poll: MAYOR MARE (EQA) 36% / LYRA HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 38% (±4%)

Mayor Mare banged her heavy head onto her desk, not for the first time this hour. "This. Is. Terrible!" she declared in exasperation. "How could Celestia do this to me!"

"Indeed." Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon tried to comfort his superior through understatement. "But we still need a plan for when the Princess Luna's inspectors arrive."

"I have a plan," the Mayor Mare mumbled. "Wash my flank and prepare to get a royal hoof up my- "

"Now now, Mayor," the gray stallion chided sternly. "This will not do. You are one of the few ponies that holds the fate of Equestria in her hooves. What you do will affect future ponies for generations and generations to come." Come on, come on, surely your ego must be bigger than this!

"Urgh!" Mayor Mare wiped her head against the lacquered wood.

"Come on, Mayor. You've already built up this gigantic coalition around you for your re-election, what with the Apples, Ms. Sparkle, the Ponyville Teacher's Union... it'll be such a shame to let this all go to waste," the bureaucrat prodded further.

The tan mare thumped her hoof the table a few times. "Yeah, like that's going to help- wait, that is going to help here!" The gray-maned mare's head suddenly shot back up. "Ms. Applejack: she has a sister, right?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, yes she must have one - I was going to charge her for hawking without a license!" Ideas rushed back into the politician's once-stagnant brain. "Yes, yes, this will work; this will work! Oh, I am so going to save Equestria now!" The politician clapped her hooves together in anticipatory glee.

For the first time in years, Crimson Ribbon found himself outflanked and in the dark. "What will work?" he inquired, not liking his position one bit.

Mayor Mare was too excited to gloat. "Oh, don't you see? If I can arrange things so that the inspectors have to interview Ms. Applejack's sister, then we can concentrate all our resources on her! We'll pull off a flawless victory!"

The Secretary for Administration tried to regain the initiative. "The inspectors are going to summon ponies randomly."

"Oh, Mr. Ribbon," the tan mare winked at him. "I'm sure there are ways of always getting the person you want in a random selection."

The bureaucrat shrugged, a tiny bit of spite bubbling up to the surface. "I can't make them select the same pony every single time," he apologized. "Not unless you decide to make her the only pony in school."

Mayor Mare drew back, amazed that her subordinate would find such a suggestion incredible. "Well, obviously that's the only way to make them choose the correct person."

*

The Library, Ponyville

"But we don't WANNA be Cutie Mark Crusader Ultra Bookworms!" Applebloom bawled vainly against her sister's orders.

"Y'all darn better be Cutie Mark Crusader Ultra Bookworms when this is up!" Applejack shunted the yellow filly through the front door. "Else somepony's getting grounded until Hearth's Warming!"

The orange pony gruffly slammed the door shut. Applebloom noted the lack of hoofsteps trotting away from the door. Her sis was sure keen on ensuring that she - and her friends - stayed with Twilight and Ms. Cheerilee.

Scootaloo was unimpressed. "Ms. Cheerilee, you can't give us detention outside of school!"

The purple schoolteacher was in a conciliatory mood, surveying the pile of books she was about to inflict onto her hapless victims. "I'm so sorry, all of you. This isn't detention. This is something much, much more important. Me and Twi- Ms. Sparkle, I mean - need you to concentrate and give everything you've got. I promise, after these two days are over I'll make it up to you fillies."

"No homework?" Sweetie Belle was ready to make the most out of a bad situation.

Cheerilee considered. "Nothing for three months."

"School trip?" Applebloom pressed the assault.

"Alright. We'll go to Canterlot."

Twilight saw that the orange pegasus was still in her funk. Perhaps a bribe would help. "Scootaloo, I couldn't help but notice that you're a big fan of Rainbow Dash," she said.

"Rainbow Dash wouldn't make me do such unfun things," came the curt reply.

"Well... " Twilight decided to go full-out. "You know, I could tell her to give you some of her stuff... you know, so you can make a fan club or something like that... "

"Oh, really?!" Scootaloo jolted back into life. "You would? You would? You mean like her picture? Her drawings? Her cap?"

"Sure, sure," the lavender unicorn waved a hoof around casually. "You write it, I'll get it."

"ALL RIGHT!" the little pegasus leapt into the air with glee. "Let's do this!"

Teaching Objective One: Check. Cheerilee unrolled the scroll which detailed the subjects they had to thoroughly cover within two days. She showed it to Twilight. Twilight looked at Cheerilee. They both gulped. Let's hope their brains don't explode halfway through.

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"Alright," the Mayor Mare was ready to tackle the next obstacle. "Now, we have to find a way to get rid of all of Ponyville's youth on the day that the inspectors come along after this weekend."

"School trip?" Crimson Ribbon suggested.

"Cheerilee said that she's the only one who's qualified in Ponyville to take them out on trips. Union rules. Plus, she needs to be there. Make sure nothing bad happens."

The bureaucrat tossed out another idea. "You could just close down the school, I guess."

"Perhaps that's a little too obvious," the tan mare said sarcastically. "You remember that I have to keep this stuff a secret."

"Of course, Ma'am. Then how about finding asbestos in the school building."

"That won't impress the education inspectors."

"Hmm." The gray pony lowered his head into his hooves. "So what we need is something that strikes only the irrelevant students, and yet won't trigger any additional suspicion."

"Well, it's easy enough to keep Applebloom and her friends out of harm," Mayor Mare said pensively. "It's the suspicion bit that is kind of difficult- "

"Food poisoning," Crimson Ribbon interrupted.

The tan pony looked back at him. "I beg your pardon?"

"Food poisoning. If we do the kids in during lunch hours, then you can bring in the inspectors in the afternoon. Then they'll only have the ponies we want them to interview. And they wouldn't be able to ask any of the patients."

The bespectacled mare frowned. "Bit unethical."

"Well, you do want to save Equestria, don't you?" the Secretary for Administration opined. "Can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Or breaking almost all of the eggs, in this case."

"And it's a vote loser," Mayor Mare elaborated. "'Incompetent Government Can't Protect Kids.' Lyra's going to have a field day with that."

"It's only going to be minor poisoning," the bureaucrat assured her. "We're not killing the students. The story'll blow over soon enough. Plus, being in the Princess Celestia's 'bad' list is probably something you don't want to do."

The tan pony sighed. "Well, I guess that'll have to do, then. I can't believe we're actually discussing this. This is just... wrong, on so many levels."

The Secretary for Administration was too seasoned to let puny moral qualms get in the way of governance. As if other choices you've made didn't involve tradeoffs. "It's just utilitarian calculus, Mayor. Utilitarian calculus."

*

The Library, Ponyville

"And this is why the Vanhoover Compromise of 847 was important," Twilight Sparkle droned on to the half-asleep room. "So now, do you fillies think that the Polar Bear Nation negotiated in good faith, given the circumstances?"

"Oh, who cares?" Scootaloo didn't bother stifling a yawn. "This stuff isn't interesting at al'... Vanwhatever... Comwhatever... whenever... it's all the same to me... "

"Fillies!" the intelligent unicorn pleaded in vain. "You have to remember this! The inspectors are going to ask you about it tomorrow!"

"But we don't even know why they're goin' to ask this stuff tomorrow!" Applebloom whined, all the knowledge in her brain slowly melding into an impenetrable sludge. "And it's too much! I ain't rememberin' all of it!"

Cheerilee interjected. "Fillies, why don't you have a little- " she reconsidered. "Ms. Sparkle, can we just talk for a moment?"

"Oh, finally!" Sweetie Belle couldn't be more relieved.

*

"You know, this isn't working," a nervous Cheerilee got to brass tacks immediately. "The system just wasn't made for this kind of learning."

"Well, what are you going to do about it?" Twilight hissed. "I got roped into this because of your mom!"

"Well... " the schoolteacher tilted her head at Princess Luna's educational proposals. "We could just use that, you know."

"What, that?" the magical unicorn glanced back to make sure. "What's the point of all this then? We'd just be proving that Luna's system is superior to our current one!"

"The inspectors won't know that!" the cherry-maned pony retorted. "And plus, Luna's judging according to her own benchmarks: of course they're going to show that her system is superior!"

The magical pony was still unsure. "I think it's still like killing animals to stop others from eating their meat."

"Look," Cheerilee glanced at the clock handles, which seemed to be moving double time. "Princess Celestia won't be happy with you if we fail this."

"I- " the purple unicorn decided not to protest any further. "Alright. Fine. Equestria first, I guess. Should have a couple of feather dusters in the cupboard... "

*

Ponyville Schoolhouse, Ponyville

Three educational inspectors, clad in immaculate tweed, sat grimly in the middle of a near-empty schoolroom. Opposite them sat three cowering schoolfillies: the Cutie Mark Crusader Tutorial Survivors.

Cheerilee stood behind the inspectors, brandishing a feather duster in one forehoof. "You'd better remember," she mouthed at the fillies, who quickly nodded in terror.

"Ahem," the ancient voice of the Chief Inspector finally croaked at his prey. "Now, you are cognizant of the fact that we are here to assess Ponyville's educational attainment. Each one of you will be asked several questions pertaining to the educational level of each subject that is expected of you. You will be expected to give an answer that is well-reasoned and presented."

"Wha- ?" Applebloom started. Cheerilee violently drew a forehoof over her mouth, her green pupils flashing dangerously. The Cutie Mark Crusaders got the message. They asked no more questions.

"Question One, to Ms. Scootaloo." The Hour of Doom had arrived. "When was the Vanhoover Compromise?"

The orange pegasus's backside jolted with pain at the mention of that darned treaty. "Uh- umm... "

One hard stare, and one subtle flick of Cheerilee's deadly feather duster was enough to encourage the little pegasus' brain to start working again. "Oh. Oh. 847! Yes, yes, 847, that's when the Compromise happened!"

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"Congratulations," the Princess Celestia poured out another cup of tea for an exhausted and emotionally drained Mayor Mare. "Princess Luna has accepted that the education system, as it currently stands, is workable. Your actions have indeed saved Equestria."

But not me, the tan mare thought sourly, as she shot another glance at the Express' headline. Food Poisoning Epidemic: Incompetent Government Can't Protect Kids.

Of course Equestria's ruler noticed. "Do not fret about the election, Mayor. I will do much to ensure that you will win. I think you deserve at least that much."

The bespectacled mare snapped out of her thoughts. "Oh, election?" she lied. "Oh no, it wasn't that: Cheerilee was crying and yelling at me for the whole of last night. Saying I made her a 'terrible teacher'. Trust me, that's worse than losing the office."

The alicorn smiled politely. "You have my sincere thanks again, Mayor Mare."

Silence as both parties sipped their brew.

The tan pony decided to remind her sovereign about the earlier promise. "Your Highness, about what you said earlier: I wouldn't want to make you show favoritism or- "

"Oh, let's not talk about politics just yet," the Princess Celestia said calmly. "After all, it is little better than spreading gossip, most of the time. And speaking of which, did you know that Ms. Heartstrings believes in extra-terrestrials?"

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Utilitarian Calculus: the moral theory that states that the action that generates the best consequences overall is the 'right' action to do. 2) Feather dusters as a form of punishment are associated with the stereotypical Asian mother, who is usually also fond of the so-called 'stuffed-duck' mode of education. 3) Believing in extra-terrestrials can harm your image if it makes you look 'kooky' enough, e.g. the wife of ex-Japanese PM Yukio Hatoyama.]

S1E24: Owl's Well That Ends Well

Season 1 Episode 24 - Owl's Well That Ends Well

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Equestrian Army Billeting [ ]

2. Ms. Sparkle's Application for an Owl Permit [ ]

3. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ]

Gallop Poll: MAYOR MARE (EQA) 40% / LYRA HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 40% (±3%)

"Present arms!"

The strident tunes of the Przewalski March resonated throughout the crisp morning air, determinedly rousing Ponyville's citizens from their slumber.

Mayor Mare set down her agenda and turned to the purple unicorn in front of her. "Equestrian military. The Princess took your dragon sighting very seriously, I reckon."

The bookish unicorn nodded. "Sorry if any of this was my fault."

"Nothing to do with you at all, Ms. Sparkle; I'm sure of that. Now what was it that you wanted to see me about?"

"Oh! Right," Twilight cleared her throat. "Well, you see, I've gotten a new helper for the library. He's an Owl. Owlowliscious. And he really likes it here- "

"It's as good as done, Ms. Sparkle. Thank you for helping me conduct the survey again," the tan mare nodded. "Now, if you would ask Ms. Coin for the relevant registration forms... "

*

The Finance Secretary's Office, Ponyville

Finance Secretary Bit Coin was flipping half-heartedly through the ledger, trying to find the relevant department for owl registration. "Hmmm... " she mumbled pensively.

With the Mayoral elections pending, the chestnut pony found herself in a peculiar dilemma, one which she had spent countless nights mulling over in tortuous silence. And darn it, solving that dilemma took precedence over everything else, including official work.

The Finance Secretary had no illusions about her actual status in the bureaucracy. After all, she was really just a junior bureaucrat, who had found herself elevated way beyond her stature due to... unfortunate circumstances that removed all the higher levels of the Ministry of Finance. She was really a caretaker Secretary, a holdover in lieu of better candidates. And every time Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon looked at her, she swore he saw that twinkle in his eyes, reminding her of her real place in the hierarchy.

She couldn't go back to being ordered around again. She just couldn't. Not after this - not after all this time as Ministry head - even if her tenure was a bit stormy, what with bankruptcy and all that. She had ascended into bureaucrat heaven, and now she was expected to go back down and live with the mortals?

"No way," Bit Coin muttered under her breath as she continued flipping through page after page. She had to find a way to keep her job.

But how? By being responsible for some big success, of course.

But what big success? That was the real problem...

"Oh, Celestia," the chestnut mare groaned. "Get a hold of yourself!"

Shaking her head in an attempt to rid herself of these worries, the Finance Secretary focused back on the task at hand. "Right," she declared in determination. "Owl Office. Owl Office. Owl Office- "

What the- ?

Her eyes double-checked the writing on the page. Owl Office - disestablished. Position of Keeper of the Owls, as of writing, still vacant (since 950).

"What... ?" Bit Coin mumbled again, seemingly unable to comprehend what was in front of her.

Yet somewhere, deep down in the recesses of her mind, a little plot was hatching.

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," Bit Coin peeked shyly through the door to the Mayor's Office. "But there's a teeny tiny issue with Ms. Sparkle's application that I'd like to discuss with you with."

"Oh. Uh, sure, Ms. Coin." Mayor Mare put down her latest copy of the Express. She gestured towards the seat. "Please don't tell me you can't do it," the politician speculated, half in jest.

The chestnut pony grimaced. "Uh, yeah, about that... but Ma'am, there's good reason for it!" she quickly added. "And I think there's an opportunity here, Mayor!"

"An opportunity?" the gray mare's ears perked up in rapt attention. "You mean, like votes?"

"Um, sure, Ma'am," the bureaucrat reached into her saddlebag. "It's a pretty rare situation, in any case."

Mayor Mare received the thick ledger and opened it on the bookmarked page. "Alright, Ms. Coin. I'm all ears."

Bit Coin tapped the relevant words on the paper. "You see here, Mayor: we can't process Ms. Sparkle's registration. The Owl Office's been disestablished since 950."

"Oh." The Mayor was slightly underwhelmed.

"But we can re-establish the Owl Office if the Princess re-appoints a Keeper of the Owls to oversee the whole organization," the Finance Secretary explained slowly and deliberately.

"Ah."

Don't foul this up! "So yeah, Ma'am, since you're in the Princess' good books, I suppose it wouldn't be too difficult to have her appoint you as the newest Keeper?"

"Well, I... " the Mayor began, the faintest of glints in her eyes.

The chattering aristocracy of the Hall of Lords fell silent as Mayor Mare regally stepped into the exquisitely-decorated room, draped in the best finery that Equestria could offer her. The Princess Celestia and Luna walk up to her, graciously accepting the tan pony's bow. They shake her hoof. And then, the regal duo stand back, heads held high, and proclaim to the great houses of the land: "All hail Lady Mare, the newest addition to the Equestrian nobility!"...

"Mayor?" the world slowly drifted back into view. Bit Coin was frantically waving a hoof in front of the entranced politician. "Answer me, please, Ma'am!"

"Uh... oh!" the tan pony sat back straight in her seat. "Oh, yes... sorry, I got distracted... that is an excellent idea, Ms. Coin! Amazing! I couldn't have thought of it myself!"

The Finance Secretary broke into a not-so-modest smile. "Well," she hinted, "I hope I've been able to help in some way."

"Oh, of course you have, Ms. Coin!" Mayor Mare reached over and patted her subordinate thankfully. "Of course you have!"

*

The Hall of Reception, Canterlot

"You as Keeper of the Owls, hmm?"

Even Princess Celestia, who owed so much to Mayor Mare, had to show a bit of reticence when the tan pony pushed forward her little proposal. "This is nobility you're tampering with, Mayor Mare," the alicorn gently reminded her subject. "Being Keeper of the Owls has always been a noble privilege. Even if the position has been little more than a sinecure ever since the decline of Owl Post."

"I understand, Your Highness," the tan mare quickly clarified. "But really, I'm not after the position. I just think that having the few extra Owl Office jobs could be beneficial. For Ponyville, of course."

"Of course." The sovereign mumbled to herself as she poured out another cup of tea. "That's what they all say."

Silence fell onto the hall as Princess Celestia slowly pondered over her options.

"How about this," the Ruler of Equestria eventually proposed. "Provisional idea: I'll downgrade the position of Keeper of the Owls to junior non-hereditary nobility. This shouldn't shake up the aristocratic hierarchy too much. The Lords should accept it."

"Hopefully," Mayor Mare concurred. It wasn't what she was aiming for, but the politician was fine with second-best.

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"You can call me Lady Mare from now on," a beaming Mayor Mare cheekily grinned to an equally jubilant Bit Coin. "I'm heading into the Hall of Lords - the Princess will be sending over the form soon!"

"Oh, Ma'am, that's brilliant!" the Finance Secretary fawned over the bespectacled mare. "And the position is definitely well-deserved, considering how expertly you led Ponyville over so many disasters during your tenure!"

The tan pony abruptly paused in response. "None of them were my fault, mind you," she reminded her subordinate.

The chestnut pony's joy came to a shuddering halt. She tried to find some way of defusing the situation. "Well of course not!"

A smile returned to the Mayor's face. The duo shared a little chuckle.

"Well anyhow," the bespectacled pony cleared her throat in mock-seriousness. "It's not about the position."

"Sure."

"It's about Ponyville, and the jobs and prestige it will bring to the town."

"Sure."

"And the comfort that our leaders are watching over- "

Mayor Mare's continued justifications were suddenly interrupted by the sound of the opening door on the other end of the room. "Hey! Can't you see that the room's occupied?" Bit Coin shouted angrily to the intruder behind her.

The response was not one which the Finance Secretary was expecting. "I beg your pardon?" it haughtily demanded in return.

Bit Coin swiveled around in her chair, realizing, too late, who she was talking to.

It was Baron Rouge of Strix POSM., SSS., HP., General of the Equestrian Army, Ponyville Sector, his uniform neatly pressed, medals - Celestia knows how he had earned them - glistening on his chest.

Needless to say, he was not amused at being treated like a servant. His aristocratic mustache bristled dangerously.

"I beg your pardon," he repeated.

Bit Coin scrambled off her seat and prostrated herself in front of the noble, knowing full well what the Baron was demanding. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Baron- Sir, I mean! I didn't realize it was you!"

The stallion huffed imperiously. "Hmph. Dismissed."

Thus chastened, the chestnut pony scuttled out of the room. "Uh, we'll continue our discussion later, Ma'am!" she squeaked as the door shut behind her.

The Mayor, now stood up for fear of causing further insult, quickly guided the general to her own chair. "Please, general. Apologies again for any unintended insult."

"Yes." The stallion was keen to get to the point. "Now, I have received word that you are about to be the newest addition to the Hall of Lords."

"Oh, thank you. Sir. Your Lordship," the Mayor smiled cheesily.

She swore she saw Baron Rouge's mustache twitch slightly once more. "A tad premature, Mayor," he declared . "Keeper of the Owls, you are to be, no?"

"Um... yes, Your Lordship," the Mayor answered uneasily. "Just a junior- "

Baron Rouge's face lived up to his name, flushing a dull crimson. His mustache's twitch was intensifying. "I will have you know, Mayor, that the Strix family has had a monopoly on being Keeper of the Owls."

Evidently not, Mayor Mare dared not say aloud. "Your Lordship, I'm sure the Princess will award you a higher title- "

The general's whole body shook with an uncontrollable rage. "So my ancestors are going to be demoted because you need a rank?"

"Ummm... " the bespectacled mare grasped around for loose straws to catch, her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. "Uh... well... you see... "

Wait! Her mind suddenly came upon the devil of an argument. "I'm sorry, Your Lordship," she asserted confidently. "But these are the Princess Celestia's orders, you see. I can't possibly refuse them- "

"You shall do so!" Baron Rouge exclaimed.

The Mayor shrugged. "It would be a gross insult to the Princess if I rejected her entreaties- "

The general looked away in annoyance. "Mayor, Ponyville is under my military jurisdiction. I could make things very difficult for everypony involved."

The politician saw through the bluff. "It is your duty to protect Ponyville, Your Lordship."

Baron Rouge smirked. "And so it is. And, you know, I've been thinking that we need some changes to Ponyville. In the interests of better protection, of course. Dragons are dangerous creatures."

Uh oh. "L-like what?" the tan pony unwillingly asked.

"Like, oh, I don't know, permanently taking over Market Square for use as a Parade Ground. Flooding the outlying farms to create natural obstacles. Demolishing half the town as firebreaks. Something like that. I know election time's coming up fast," he turned back to the defeated pony, eyes flashing an evil glare. "But we do need these defenses.

Mayor Mare gulped. So close! "Um... so... Your Lordship... what are your terms?"

Baron Rouge cleared his throat in victory. "Firstly, Mayor, I want you to decline the position and offer me up as Keeper of the Owls... "

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

Bit Coin moved fast to consolidate her own crumbling position. "To be fair, Mayor, I only suggested it to you, because I genuinely thought the Owl Office could present Ponyville with more employment opportunities."

"Uh huh." The tan mare glared at the chestnut pony. "All ten jobs. That's going to make a difference."

"Every bit counts, Mayor. Every bit counts. And," the young mare added as an afterthought, "it's what Financial Secretaries are supposed to do."

Mayor Mare snorted in anger. "Financial Secretaries aren't supposed to suggest tactics that end up in Ponyville paying tribute to the Equestrian military." She gestured to the newest edition of the Express. SUPINE CITY'S EXCESSIVE SOLDIER STIPEND, it roared in faux indignation.

Bit Coin shrugged in indifference. "As I said, Ma'am, I didn't think you would ask for so much."

The bespectacled mare was positively spewing steam out of her ears.

But at least the Finance Secretary had completed her mission. "At least, at the moment, it's a governmental problem, Mayor," the chestnut pony hinted. "We're all in this together."

"Argh!" Mayor Mare once again found herself in a corner. "Alright, I'll make sure you'll remain as Finance Secretary, okay?"

Author's Note

POSM: Paladin of the Order of the Sun and Moon
SSS: Silver Solar Star
HP: Honored Pony

[Particular inspiration: 1) Subordinates making stupid decisions and making the whole of government pay as a result. I had in mind the particular incident where Hong Kong government politics blew up into the current spat between China and Japan over Diaoyutai/Senkaku Islands.]

(Thanks to SuperPinkBrony12 for pointing out potential plot hole: Why didn't anypony pursue an interest in the Owl position?)

S1E25: Party of One

Season 1 Episode 25 - Party of One

Mayor Mare's House, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ]

Gallop Poll: MAYOR MARE (EQA) 40% / LYRA HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 45% (±2%)

Mayor Mare smoothed out the agenda on the dining table as she prepared to tuck into yet another late-night meal. The hay fries were soggy, greasy, and tasteless from being left out for too long.

"Well, only one more week left," the tan mare consoled herself. "Only one more week until- "

"Argh!" Cheerilee's sudden scream reverberated throughout the little house. "What the hay!"

"Cheerie? What happened?" the bespectacled mare called out.

"Darn it, there's no hot water!" the teacher yelled back from the second floor. "How am I supposed to take a bath like this?"

"Well, wait a while," the gray-maned pony responded.

"I've waited for, like, five minutes already! Urgh! Did you tick off the Water Department or something?"

The tan mare rolled her eyes. Probably a bad day at school. "Maybe somepony used up all the hot water today. Bad luck."

"Well, curse that darn pony to Tartaros!" the purple pony screeched, her dreams of having a nice stress-relieving bubble bath thus popped. "That pony better avoid me for the next week- "

"Cheerie!" Mayor Mare admonished gently, wiping the grease from her lips. "Calm down. It's just hot water!"

"Argh!" the normally gentle teacher kicked the door in frustration.

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

Everypony was feeling a bit grumpier than usual.

"No hot water too, huh," Mayor Mare commented in jest. Cheerilee's late-night outburst seemed less ridiculous, now that the politician herself had been subjected to the unforgiving dose of ice-cold spray.

Finance Secretary Bit Coin grumbled semi-audibly about cruel torture and punishment. Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon, normally stoic, gritted his teeth in polite impatience.

The politician frowned. "You know, if it's having such an impact, should we convene a panel or something to look into the matter? I'd hate to see what the citizens are feeling if you ponies are being so... grouchy."

"Cold water on your back isn't a good feeling, Mayor," Security Chief Delta Force answered snidely.

That lit up the bespectacled mare's short fuse. "That's why I asked, Mr. Force," she growled.

The ex-soldier leant back into his chair, a look of uncomfortable boredom on his face. Silence fell onto the room once more.

"Oh come on," the gray-maned mare snapped after a few seconds of fruitless waiting. "Ms. Coin, you must have an opinion on this panel thing."

The chestnut mare frowned, her mind paralyzed by painful memories from this morning. "Well, Ma'am, I think- "

Mr. Crimson uncharacteristically interrupted. "Look, Ma'am, you aren't seriously considering such a panel, are you?"

"Why not?" the politician retorted, adjusting her glasses. "You ponies seem quite cut up about the whole thing."

"Well, yes," the gray bureaucrat admitted. "No hot water is just... eurgh!... well, it's just bad. But it's just hot water."

"It's an answer, at least," Mayor Mare sighed in exasperation. "Ms. Coin?"

The Finance Secretary reluctantly concurred. "Yes, Ma'am. It's just hot water. It'll come back this evening, it everything's working fine. No point in rocking the boat."

Mr. Force nodded his head in agreement.

Mayor Mare looked at each of her subordinates again to reconfirm. "Hm. Fine, then. Meeting dismissed. I got canvassing to do."

*

Sixth Ward, Ponyville

The first signs that something had gone terribly wrong appeared while Mayor Mare trotted down Luna Street, preparing to meet the voters of Sixth Ward.

The newsagent was replacing his sign. SPECIAL EXPRESS NOON EDITION: HOT WATER CATASTROPHE IN PONYVILLE - MAYOR TO BLAME?, the new words screamed out in bold black letters.

The tan pony rubbed her eyes in disbelief. What?!

She quickly darted over to the stall. "Uh, hey, can I buy a copy of the Express noon edition?"

The newsagent, engrossed in the paper, casually waved a hoof around. "Sure, sure, it'll be two bits- " he raised his head, his complexion darkening instantly. "Actually, it'll be five bits."

"But a paper is normally two bits," the bespectacled mare tried to reason.

"Well, yes. But five bits for you," the newsagent snarled.

The Mayor broke out into a cold sweat. "Uh, ok," she stammered uneasily, fishing out five bits from her saddlebags. "Here you go: five bits... "

"Hey, you!" Some passerby had noticed the Mayor's presence in this part of town. "You're the Mayor? What the hay did you do with our hot water!"

In an instant, all community life stopped as everypony focused on the hapless politician.

A small crowd of unhappy ponies was fast gathering around Mayor Mare. They had grievances. "What the hay, Mayor!"

"I don't pay taxes for this!"

"Don't expect my vote next week!"

"I'm going to get fired today, and it's all your stupid fault!"

The gray-maned pony slowly backed away from the baying mob. "Uh... ponies... citizens... we're trying to deal with this as fast as we can..."

"NOT FAST ENOUGH!" a familiar nemesis' voice suddenly boomed above the chattering masses.

Mayor Mare jumped into the air in terror. Lyra Heartstrings - what? Where?

"Not. Fast. Enough!" the sound emanating from Lyra Heartstrings' as-of-yet-unseen campaign van roared over from the next block. "Not fast enough! That is what the Equine Party, led by your neighborhood candidate Lyra Heartstrings, says about the response to this stunning lack of hot water in Ponyville today!"

The crowd, as if entranced, abruptly turned towards the source of the noise, thankfully allowing Mayor Mare to conceal herself in a small nook. Well, if I can't canvass, at least I can see what Lyra is up to.

Lyra continued with her speech. "Citizens, can you believe this? For more than half the day, Ponyville has been denied the basic Equestrian right to steaming hot water! We have been made to suffer under the tyranny of cold showers and ice-cold dishwashing! And for what? And for what, I say!"

"Hear, hear!" a few voices applauded in response.

"And what has our current leader, Mayor Mare of the Equestrian Party, been doing all this time? Can a helpful pony tell me? Somepony? Anypony?"

"Nothing!" a few hotheads screamed out loud, their responses unheard.

"That's right, citizens: nothing! While we suffer, Mayor Mare has done nothing to defend our rights! Nothing, citizens! Is this what Ponyville wants? A Mayor who doesn't care about us, who won't help us in our time of need?"

Lyra was slowly working up the crowd. Ponies were stampeding in agreement. "No! No! No!"

"No, citizens! We don't need such a leader! We don't need Mayor Mare as our leader! Ponyvillians, we don't need trash in office! Mayor Mare needs to hear us speak! She needs to be reminded who's in charge here! Citizens, let's show her who's boss of Ponyville!"

More hollering and stampeding. "Yeah! Kick her out! Kick her out!"

"Ponyvillians! We're holding a protest outside of Town Hall in an hour! It is time to defend your Celestia-given rights from this dictator! Citizens, it is time to protest against Mayor Mare's monarchy!"

More clapping and hollering. Huddled up in the shadows, Mayor Mare winced, buckets of sweat slithering down her forehead.

Lyra Heartstrings took a deep breath. "Ponyvillians: No to Mayor Mare!"

The crowd fell into a frenzy, screaming and stamping the floor. "No to Mayor Mare!"

"Give our hot water back!"

"Give our hot water back!"

"Ponyvillians: Lyra Heartstrings will kick out Tyrant Mare from office and give you your dignity back! Lyra Heartstrings will respect your basic rights to hot water! Lyra Heartstrings will bring Ponyville into a new dawn!"

The crowd sentiments indicated full agreement. "Whoo!" "Ly-ra! Ly-ra! Ly-ra!"

"So come join Lyra Heartstrings in front of Ponyville Town Hall in an hour! And vote Lyra Heartstrings come next week! Lyra Heartstrings: A Vote Against Mayor Mare, A Vote For Ponyville!"

"Ly-ra! Ly-ra! Ly-ra!" The crowd erupted into another round of cheers and stamping.

Mayor Mare realized that she should head back to Town Hall before it was too late. She slipped out of her hiding-hole, still not much seen by the mesmerized crowd, and hightailed it back to the Mayor's Office, as fast as her legs would take her.

*

The Press Room, Ponyville

The chanting of the crowd outside was insistent. "Hot Water Now! Hot Water Now!" they demanded over and over again.

The plucky cabinet huddled up one last time behind the door. "Ma'am, I'll admit it: we fell flat on our faces with this one, big time," a chastened Crimson Ribbon whispered. "But you mustn't think that it's too late to salvage anything. Remember: the magic words. The magic words- "

"If nothing else works," Bit Coin offered helpfully, "money should do to the trick."

"And the panel, of course," Delta Force chipped in. "Remember to say that we're going to set up the panel."

"A-alright." Every nerve in Mayor Mare's body was fast seizing up with the pressure of the anticipated grilling. "Panel. Money. Magic Words. Alright, team. Wish me luck."

The Finance Secretary winked. "We're all behind you, Mayor. We're in this together."

The politician was in no mood for niceties or flattery. "Ms. Coin, you just go back and look over those angry letters we've been getting. Mr. Force, you inform Mr. Ribbon here about the protestors' movements. Try and keep this under control, right?"

The red stallion saluted. "You got it, Ma'am."

The tan pony took a deep breath. "Alright, here goes."

A chilly blast of wind greeted her as the gray-maned pony opened the door and walked into the room. Almost immediately, conversations became hushed and cameras began to flash. Every eye was on Ponyville's leader, as if she was a criminal being hauled onto some dock.

Mayor Mare's heart was fast beating out of her skin as she stepped onto the podium. "Ahem," she began fearfully-

The press pounced all over her. "Mayor, what's the deal with the hot water?"

"Do you agree with Ms. Heartstring's accusation that you have trampled over our rights?"

"What do you think your chances are of getting re-elected now, Mayor?"

Curses and unspeakable words were flying past Mayor Mare's mind. No- no! Focus! Focus! "Uh... um... yes. As you see," Mayor Mare leant closer into the microphone in order to project her voice over the chaotic din, "we've specially convened this press meeting to update you on the situation with the hot water. Now, we're setting up a panel to look into this issue, starting in a few hours' time. We expect to have a report by tomorrow. So rest assured, everything is under control, and we ask the public not to be overly alarmed. Thank you."

The reporters were not satisfied. "Mayor, who is responsible for this foul-up?"

Magic words. "That's for the panel to decide. Second pony on the third row."

"Aren't you rushing into things a bit too much?"

Money. "We're hiring the very best of Equestrian talent, so we expect nothing but the best work. Sixth pony on the eighth row."

"Do you think you've become a disgrace to Ponyville?"

Impossible question. Mayor Mare put her hoof against her ear and nodded sagely, pretending to receive messages in her earpiece. "Right. Uh huh. I'll be there."

She turned back to the reporters. "Sorry, all of you. I have to go and deal with some new developments regarding the panel. We'll update you later in the day."

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

Mayor Mare picked up the phone receiver, the other members of the cabinet crowding around her, awaiting with bated breath.

"Dr. Eau, Professor of Hydrology speaking," came the voice from the other end of the line.

The tan pony attempted to put on her sweetest voice. "Professor!" she exclaimed. "Mayor Mare from Ponyville speaking."

"Noted. Please proceed."

"Professor Eau: we're convening a panel this very moment about the status of hot water in Ponyville. Would it be possible for you to come down immediately in order to chair this panel? All expenses paid and a good salary, of course."

Silence from the other end. "Well, I do have a tutorial with some undergraduates later this afternoon- "

"A very good salary, Professor," the bespectacled mare stressed in desperation.

"How much."

"Five thousand bits for two days."

"Ten thousand bits," the voice counter-offered.

The politician was in no position nor mood to negotiate. "Deal."

"Good. I'll be on the next train. See you in a couple hours."

The line switched off. Mayor Mare, heaving a sigh of relief, turned back to her subordinates. "Alright. We've got the best panel for the job now. Let's call the press back in."

"A skillful negotiation, Ma'am," Crimson Ribbon beamed with relief. "We're back on the upswing."

"Thank you, Mr. Ribbon," the politician glanced out of the window. "It'll be evening soon. With luck, the hot water should be coming back on line."

*

The Press Room, Ponyville

" -and in such a way, this government fully demonstrates its continued commitment to the well-being of the citizens of Ponyville." Mayor Mare, her heart sinking, concluded her exposition.

The room, so crowded a few hours ago, was now virtually empty. A few unstifled yawns from the seated audience.

The tan pony raised an eyebrow. "Questions?"

No raised hooves. Only a few extra yawns.

The gray-maned mare was increasingly worried. "I thought you reporters were interested in this story," she remarked.

"Oh, sure," a young reporter rubbed his eyes. "Like, half a day ago. We've gotten the hot water back now."

Well, great! The Mayor resisted the urge to slam her hoof onto the podium. "So, you mean we've hired all of Equestria's best water talent for nothing- "

Too late, she realized her mistake.

The junior reporter smelled blood. "Wait, you hired Equestria's best talent?" he began scribbling into his notepad. "That must have cost a lot, Mayor. Care to explain why this was necessary?"

Mayor Mare's jaw went slack with disbelieving shock. "I... " she stammered. "B-but... "

"I mean," the reporter continued as if it was the most obvious fact in the world. "It's just hot water."

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Political 'Much Ado About Nothings' (e.g. Obama flag pin controversy in 2008). 2) Short attention spans from mainstream media (e.g. gun control in the USA after Newtown?)]

S1E26: The Best Night Ever

Season 1 Episode 26 - The Best Night Ever

The Mayor's House, Ponyville

At long last, Cheerilee got up from her chair solemnly, having failed to find a cure and now very much late for class. "Well," the elementary schoolteacher consoled gingerly, "at least, as a normal pony, you won't have to deal with Filthy, you won't have to charge kids with treason, and you won't have to get arrested. So it's not all bad."

"Mm-hm." Mayor Mare remained in her funk. Normally, there was work to distract her from the impending doom: but with Election Day so near, most government duties had been suspended, ostensibly to prevent any last-ditch attempts at power abuse. Yet with it came a lack of work - and, with that, came endless ruminations and pained melancholy.

Cheerilee sighed and shut the door behind her.

The pitter-patter of morning rain continued incessantly. A half-eaten breakfast slouched greasily in front of her. Mayor Mare remained motionless, her figure slumped over the table, her eyes unfocused in front of the newest edition of the Express, its headlines written with an unabashed glee:

INSIDE: CHAOS AT THE PRINCESS' GALA

LATEST POLLS: MAYOR MARE (EQA) 39% / LYRA HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 52% (±1%)

MAYOR MARE: FINISHED?

None of this really helped alleviate the gray-maned pony's dark thoughts.

Over and over again, she consoled herself silently: it wasn't really your fault, was it? Nightmare Moon, the Parasprites, Twilight's lawsuit - you couldn't have stopped those! And did ponies expect me to disobey the Princess' orders? Or break my promises to the Ponyville electorate? None of this was your fault, Mayor Mare; none of this was your fault!

The tan pony sighed once more. Sure, none of it was her fault, but there was no point in appealing to counterfactuals. The point was that Mayor Mare, at least in the public perception, was responsible for these acts. And if she was to win, she had better break that image that the public had cast for her.

"Ohh," Mayor Mare groaned, holding her head in her hands. "But how can I change what the ponies think of me!"

Now the tan pony was never one to give up so easily. Yet the problem was one of motivation. With such a large difference in the polls, it was hard to find the inner strength to continue on fighting. What she needed was some inspiration-

Twinkle.

The politician suddenly looked up. "Wha- "

And before she could finish her speech- whoosh. The room suddenly reverberated with the sound of a sudden wind. The Express flew away from the dining table into the kitchen sink. And then, slowly - the Mayor slowly realizing what was happening - a bright light materialized in the living room, growing larger and more defined until-

"P-Princess Celestia!" the tan mare, following the well-worn procedure (but perhaps, never in the privacy of her own home), scrambled to her hooves and prostrated herself in front of the sovereign. "H-hail the Princess!

The alicorn casually dismissed the flattery, preferring instead to examine closely her surroundings. "A modest home, Mayor."

The bespectacled mare remained on the ground. "I am honored, Your Highness."

"Arise, Mayor," the alicorn reclined on top of the sofa, her bulk easily filling up a space designed for two. "Please relax. This is your home, after all."

"Thank you, Your Highness- " the gray-maned pony replied, moving to her armchair.

Once settled, the Ruler of Equestria immediately gave the lie to her previous declaration. "Now, to business, Mayor. Some say that you have been rather... lax in your campaigning, as of late."

Mayor Mare looked down. "Well, Your Highness- "

"Mayor, I know you know you are going to win," Princess Celestia was in little mood for excuses. "But you still have to pretend..."

The politician, still gazing at the floor, replied with silence.

The alicorn pressed on. "Well?"

Mayor Mare gave up any attempt to whitewash her response. "Your Highness," she stared at the dread Lady. "I just don't see how I can win with these numbers."

Princess Celestia's eyes widened momentarily before her face sunk into a frown. "So, you don't think I can do this," she extrapolated.

"Oh, no! Your Highness!" the tan mare, terrified at the prospect of such a powerful enemy, jumped off her armchair and prostrated herself in front of the sovereign.

The Ruler of Equestria was not fooled with such antics. Impatience tinged her voice. "Arise."

The bespectacled mare remained on the ground, quivering all the while.

"Arise, Mayor," Princess Celestia ordered. She continued once her subject obeyed. "Is it motivation that you need, Mayor."

"W-well... " Mayor Mare began.

The alicorn took that as assent. "Think about this, Mayor. In one term, you have done more than any of your predecessors have done."

The politician ruminated on that fact.

"You have been a great service to Ponyville, as well as to Equestria. Countless times you have saved not only your town, but the whole land from enemies external and internal, pony-made or natural. Nightmare Moon. The Parasprites. My sister's educational policy. These are great deeds, Mayor. You will live forever in history."

Mayor Mare blushed. "Why, thank you, Your Highness- "

Princess Celestia looked away. "And after all this, you'll have a mere Lyra Heartstrings be your downfall? You'll let her be the one who conquered you?"

The tan mare's jaw slackened, not really knowing what to make of that. "Well, I- "

The Ruler of Equestria narrowed her eyes. "I will take it as a gross insult if you turn out to have so little faith in my ability to save you."

"Well," the bespectacled pony burst out impudently, "tell me how you're going to save me, then!"

A silence as the alicorn slowly took this frustrated outburst in stride.

"You realize I have to maintain neutrality," she resumed at last. "So exactly how, I cannot tell. But it will exist, I assure you."

The politician tried one last attempt. "But how am I supposed to co-ordinate if- "

"Well," Princess Celestia got out of her sofa and prepared to teleport herself back to Canterlot. "In that case, assume that I have already given you the prerequisite help. Now go out and campaign for your position."

*

Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville

The thought of having the all-powerful Ruler-Deity of the land behind you was not as comforting as Mayor Mare would have expected. The Princess' continued refusal to discuss concrete plans of action seemed to belie her repeated assertions of support. Perhaps she does that with Lyra as well, the politician thought bitterly.

However, the risk of incurring royal wrath - of being accused of mistrusting the Princess herself - was too much for the tan pony to accept. That counts as motivation, I guess.

The rain was slowly drying up as the politician nimbly skirted past shallow puddles on the road to Sweet Apple Acres. Step One was complete: the Mayor was now motivated - compelled - to fight for her seat. But what after that? Her unpopularity was still there.

Well, if I can't get mass popularity, I could at least try for elite popularity.

A half-awake Applejack answered the door. "Oh, uh, howdy, Ma'am," she yawned uncontrollably. "Sorry for this. Darned Gala wasted my time."

"Ms. Applejack," Mayor Mare was keen to get to business. "Voting is in two days. You remember our- "

"Yeah, yeah, I do," the orange pony rubbed her eyes and waved her hoof around casually. "We Apples keep to our deals. Y'all can be sure no farmer's votin' for Lyra here."

The politician wanted to make sure. "If it helps, Ms. Applejack, there will be something in it for you if I win- "

"That ain't needed, Mayor," the country pony flopped a limp foreleg around. "An Apple's word is everythin'. Y'all don't need worry 'bout us."

Easier than expected. Mayor Mare smiled. "Thank you, Ms. Applejack."

*

Mayor Mare's House, Ponyville

The phone crackled into life on the other end with the aristocratic tones of Fancy Pants. "Ah, Mayor."

"H-hello, Mr. Pants," the Mayor broke out into a pained smile, even though nopony else could see her do so.

The Canterlot stallion was not ill-informed. "You're here about the Ponyville election, I presume."

Mayor Mare gave her silent assent.

Fancy Pants knew the drill. "You know, there is a patch of land at the edge of the Everfree Forest that I- "

The bespectacled mare needed no further instruction. "Done. Yours."

The magnate grinned happily. "There's also this law that- "

"Only my re-election will secure that change for you, Mr. Pants."

"Indeed."

The tan pony lapsed back into silence, waiting for Mr. Pants' side of the deal.

A chuckle from the other side of the line. "A press release, Mayor. We'll get a press release over tomorrow."

"Thank you, Mr. Pants- "

Beep. The line went dead.

The tan pony put down the receiver, the weight on her soul slowly fading away. Still, none of this really affects the actual vote-

Knock-knock-knock. "Hello?" Mayor Mare shouted at the door. Probably some stupid volunteer...

"Ma'am?" a voice from the other side answered back. "Message from Mr. Rich!"

*

The 'Duke of Mane' Restaurant, Ponyville

Filthy Rich stubbed out his cigar and immediately whipped out another stick of tobacco from his pocket. "Caviar, Mayor?" he asked, leaning over to serve the politician. The smell of expensive booze and nicotine was repellent.

"N-no, thank you," the tan pony declined tersely, wondering why the magnate had decided to hold this one-on-one meeting with her in this (probably quite expensive) private room.

The industrial baron understood. "I've heard that you've been hard at work trying to get re-elected, Mayor," he began, offering a metaphorical olive branch. "Meeting with the Princess... the Apples... Mr. Pants... all that. Influential ponies, indeed."

"Yes." And your paper hasn't made my job any easier!

Filthy Rich reclined back in his armchair, leaving Mayor Mare to her own devices. He cleared his throat. "You know, I do feel a bit left out."

"You do," the tan pony retorted, not sure why the owner of the Express was expecting any different.

"I am doing a lot of damage, Mayor," the millionaire sneered, pouring himself out a glass of LaFetlock 943. "I am important here."

Mayor Mare decided to mince no words. "I can't change you."

Filthy Rich contemplated that for a few seconds. "Yes... and no," he muttered pensively.

"Really?" The bespectacled pony nodded furiously, instinctively jumping at this opportunity for detente.

"Hmm... environmental restrictions- " the industrial baron declared.

Mayor Mare decided to promise first and darn the consequences - for the moment, at least. "Will disappear."

"Labor unions- "

"Will be taken care of."

"Industrial taxes."

"Will go down. Well, yours anyway."

Filthy Rich grinned. "Well then. Glad we can do business, Mayor. It's always nice to have allies on both sides of the aisle."

And as a start, he extended a hoof of truce.

*

Mayor Mare's House, Ponyville

A crisp and warm Election Day night as Cheerilee, out of courtesy more than interest, put down her copy of National Velvet and joined Mayor Mare in front of the television. "Good day for you, then."

Mayor Mare put down her copy of the Express. The headline on it could not be louder and clearer: BUSINESS ELITES WARN: ELECTION OF LYRA HEARTSTRINGS WOULD CAUSE 'CHAOS' WITHIN PONYVILLE. "It's been a good day."

The purple schoolteacher felt compelled to be cynical. "So what did you let Filthy get away with, then."

The television set was re-broadcasting a particularly painful interview with Lyra Heartstrings.

"So, Ms. Heartstrings, rumors are flying around that you believe in the existence of extra-terrestrials in the universe. Do you have any comment on this?"

"Nothing," the bespectacled mare lied. She remembered, of course, that Cheerilee had been the one that turned the industrial baron against the politician in the first place.

"Well... um... er... yes. I do believe in them. There's no shame in admitting to that- "

"But don't you think, Ms. Heartstrings, that such a belief shows a callous disregard for facts? Is that something we want in a future Mayor?"

"Er... " the lime-green unicorn stammered. "Umm... well... "

"You must have done something," the violet mare continued to verbally poke. "Everypony was turning out for you when I was voting in the schoolhouse. I know for a fact they couldn't all have supported you a week ago."

"Whatever," Mayor Mare leant back and relaxed.

"On to other things then, Ms. Heartstrings. Now, what do you make of the Princess Celestia's speech today?"

A clip began to play. "Dear citizens of Ponyville, you have my heartiest thanks for participating in the great civic exercise of voting. This is especially important given the numerous incidents that have occurred within the town. But every time, Ponyville has risen up again from the ashes, stronger and better than ever before. And as such, we need to be reminded of the importance of good leadership... "

"Don't just 'whatever' me!" Cheerilee snapped irritably. "You know darn well what is going on! Tell me!"

"Everything is normal," the tan pony brushed the inquiries off.

The television interview continued. "Ms. Heartstrings, let's now talk about the recent accusation of the EAT - that's Equestrian Agency for Tax, for our foreign viewers - that your partner, Bon Bon, has been evading tax for a decade now. What do you have to say to those?"

"I've said it earlier this morning and I'll say it again. It's not evasion! It's totally legal... " Lyra protested in vain.

The schoolteacher's ears twitched dangerously. "You must know," she muttered, the calm before the storm, "that Sweet Apple Acres has, for some strange reason, suddenly found the money to take on three hundred new employees."

"Really?" the gray-maned mare continued to close her eyes, a smile creeping on her face.

"You must know," Cheerilee's speech became ever slower, "that there seems to be an abnormal amount of pegasi voting in a Ponyville election."

Mayor Mare nodded sagely. "Interesting- "

"Mom!" the cherry pink-maned pony yelled in frustration. "How am I ever going to be able to teach Equestrian politics to the kids!"

"There's always the syllabus," came the nonchalant reply.

Cheerilee's face swelled into a crimson red and she began shaking fiercely-

"Shh!" A timely intervention from Mayor Mare. "The results! Here we go!"

"Hello, and welcome to our special coverage of the Ponyville Election tonight! I'm Timberwolf Blitzer - and I'm Racer Meadow! Wow, what an amazing day, Racer, and what a triple whammy to hit Ms. Heartstrings in the morning!... "

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) Companies supporting both sides of the political spectrum in order to extract the most gains. (E.g. Wall Street donating to both Democrats and Republicans) 2) Non-legal tactics to get out the vote: a) Attaching voters to pro-government organizations (Tammany Hall), b) Sponsoring travel of pro-government voters (Mainland China Front Work vs. Taiwan, Hong Kong)]

S2E1: The Return of Harmony, Part 1

Season 2 Episode 1 - The Return of Harmony, Part 1

"... and we turn now live to Town Hall, where the results of the election are about to be read out: this may well bring an end to a rollercoaster of a campaign which has, especially in its final few days, proven to be the most brutal in recent history, with both Mayor Mare - of the Equestrian Party - and Lyra Heartstrings - of the Equine Party - resorting to increasingly negative attacks on each other. Now, to recap, PNN has earlier called the election for Mayor Mare- and now, it seems like the Election Officer is about to read out the results. Let's listen in. "

"... the total number of votes cast: five thousand, two hundred and ten. Individual candidate tallies: Mayor Mare, Equestrian Party, three thousand- "

Stomping and triumphant yells rose up from the foreground. "Yeah! Whoo- !"

Unperturbed, the Officer carried on. " -six hundred and seventy-four. Lyra Heartstrings- "

Not to be outdone despite the inevitable, the pro-Lyra camp tried to raise a similar ruckus. "Ly-ra! Ly-ra...!" Boos and hisses from the other end.

"One thousand, five hundred and thirty-six... "

And at that very moment, in a corner of Ponyville- ring! Ring! Ri-ing!

A smile overcame Mayor Mare's face as she got up from her armchair and slowly began her triumphant march towards Lyra's concession call, leaving the over-analysis of Racer Meadow and Timberwolf Blitzer behind.

*

Mayor Mare's House, Ponyville

Cheerilee didn't share her mother's sentiments regarding victory. The sudden increase of workers in Sweet Apple Acres, the rumors of pegasi being flown in from Cloudsdale to vote... Mayor Mare admitted nothing, but there were enough dots for any sharp pony to connect them.

"You know," the violet pony fumed as she sent schoolbooks tumbling off the shelves and into her saddlebags, "I don't know how I'll ever be able to teach Civic Studies with a straight face again! Urgh... just as well I'm taking them to Canterlot... "

The bespectacled mare yawned discreetly. Any remaining vestiges of conscience had been silenced by this incessant, idealistic whining, droning endlessly on throughout the night.

"So am I supposed to tell the kids that democracy works, now that you've just begged Filthy and Fancy Pants to send you back into Town Hall?"

"Whatever," came the semi-conscious reply. Despite her landslide victory, however, the politician wasn't resting easy on her laurels. Oh no. Far from it. Because-

It was as if the cherry-maned teacher could read minds. "But don't you dare think that you won't get your just desserts," Cheerilee admonished, finally getting off the bookcase. "They'll want compensation for what they've done. I'm sure of it."

Mayor Mare gave an unnoticed smirk. Too naive by half, she commented silently, remembering full well the deals she had already made in exchange for the support of Ponyville's power elite prior to the election. Destroy part of the Everfree Forest? Take out Ponyville's labor unions? These didn't look so good after the confetti had settled. By Celestia, there was no other option: Mayor Mare had to divest herself of those Faustian pacts. But how?-

Thud. The bespectacled mare's ruminations were stopped cold by a heavy copy of Democracy in Equestria skidding to a stop in front of her. "Why don't you read that for once, huh?" the schoolteacher complained loudly. "Maybe then, you'll realize that ponies like you are ruining the whole system!"

The door shut.

The politician wasn't about to take orders from some inexperienced fresh grad out of college. "Hmph. Whatever," the tan pony huffed, sweeping the book away with a swish of her foreleg without a second thought-

But suddenly, Democracy in Equestria quickly found itself scooped up in the hooves of a scheming Mayor Mare, the germ of a plot developing rapidly...

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

The festive mood of the re-elected government lived a short life: it bled out, unwanted and unloved, a mere five minutes into its existence.

"Democracy?!" Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon spat out as the rest of the cabinet - Finance Secretary Bit Coin and Security Chief Delta Force - sat in stunned silence. "A... a L-legislative Council!?"

Mayor Mare adjusted her glasses. "It's not witchcraft, Mr. Ribbon."

The gray stallion continued to sputter. "B-but... we already have democracy in Ponyville! The election we had yesterday! Democracy! You see?" he followed his insincere justification with a wholly unconvincing grin.

"Not at the local level, Mr. Ribbon," Mayor Mare answered. "Not at the local level. You see, I want Ponyvillians to have more say in how the government works- "

"Why would you ever want that!" the gray stallion waved his forelegs about in desperation. "By Celestia, if the ponies had to decide on our actions during your previous tenure, Ponyville would have been destroyed five times over!"

"And would have gone bankrupt five times faster," the chestnut mare chipped in.

"Ponies, come on!" the politician declared condescendingly. "It's not about the money. It's not about the power. It's about the idea- "

"What," the red Security Chief interrupted, "the idea that government should be held hostage to public opinion at every turn?"

"Oh, for Pete's sake!" the bespectacled mare decided that owning up would probably provide the more convincing explanation. "Look, alright? It's not really about whether we're going to be held hostage or not, but who we're going to be held hostage by... "

"Oh, Celestia," Bit Coin slapped a hoof onto her head. "What did you promise Filthy now?"

Mayor Mare cleared her throat politely.

The chestnut pony's head sank in dreaded anticipation. "Oh, sheesh. "

But a renewed twinkle in the politician's eye as she detailed her grand design. "But now, with the Council, we can just tell them that the issue is out of our hands! Oh, I can't believe that I've solved the impossible once more! Oh," the tan mare stared heroically into the far mountains, "and to be remembered as Mayor Mare, the Democrat of Ponyville... "

"We don't need democracy to defeat Filthy," Crimson Ribbon popped the Mayor's dreamy bubble. "We'll simply trip him up with bureaucracy- "

"And lose the next election for sure. Filthy's made an investment in all of us." The gray-maned mare looked solemnly at the slightly-betrayed faces of her cabinet. "And I'll be bringing all of you down with me if we fail," she clarified further.

"But Ma'am- " Crimson Ribbon's sought last-ditch support from his colleagues. His eyes implored the other departmental chiefs. Both shook their heads in resignation.

"Oh, fine." The Secretary for Administration fell back and produced parchment and ink with extreme reluctance. There's always later, he consoled himself, as he readied his quill:

The Agenda:

1. Establish a Legislative Council for Ponyville. [ ]

Mayor Mare examined the bureaucrat's handiwork. "And the long-term goal, Mr. Ribbon?"

The gray stallion understood the Mayor's unsaid intent and obeyed, grumbling all the while.

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

"Good, good!" the tan pony clapped her hooves in feverish anticipation. "Oh, it's going to be so great to have some fall ponies at last!"

"Legislatures soon develop a mind of their own, Mayor," Crimson Ribbon noted through gritted teeth.

"Not while I'm still here!" Nothing could hinder the Mayor's self-congratulation for her master strategy. "And you know why? We'll schedule elections for next week, and with our current popularity, we'll secure the largest majority ever in Ponyville!"

None of the bureaucrats paid much attention to Mayor Mare's grandiose and fallacious plans. After all, there was nothing to be gained through direct confrontation, with their superior so dead set on the project...

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

"... and that's why," Bit Coin finished off her sales pitch to the deflated ex-candidate, "we think that this indirect approach will more persuade the Mayor to stop this stupidity."

Lyra Heartstrings slurped down her milkshake, still mired in a defeatist funk. "Bit, I can't believe you didn't tell me about what the Mayor was planning the day before the election," she groused. "And there I was, thinking that you were my friend... "

The chestnut pony wasn't about to divert her attention away from the issue at hand. And besides, what friend threatens to reveal scandalous affairs to the press? "Lyra, are you going to do this or not?"

The lime-green pony grunted in annoyance. "What's the point? I'm not going to spend that much time in the so-called Legislative Council if your aim is to abolish it."

"Well okay, abolition is our primary aim, Lyra," the Finance Secretary brusquely admitted. "But if you're up for it, you can obviously use this temporary platform to score political points against the Mayor. Rebuild your image, secure broader support, you know the drill."

Oh, of course! The defeated candidate's ears perked up as she felt the dark clouds gradually parting away. "Well then," Lyra began, testing the waters. "I want a majority in the Council."

The Finance Secretary narrowed her eyes. "Don't push your luck, Lyra. You know the Mayor won't accept that."

"Fifty-fifty then."

"Lyra."

"Oh, all right, all right," the lime-green pony rolled her eyes, seizing any chance to salvage a victory from the all-too-recent drubbing. "Same proportion as the Mayoral Election results."

Bit Coin smiled the smile of supremacy, having now bested her periodic blackmailer. "That's what we thought, Lyra. This means you'll be getting thirty out of a hundred seats in the Legislative Council. Send your Councilors' List over to us soon."

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

Mayor Mare's democratic jubilation was, predictably, short lived. "No, no, no!" she banged her hoof on the desk. "Mr. Ribbon, you know full well that I called for elections, and not to allocate seats based on the Mayoral Election!"

"But Ma'am," the Secretary for Administration responded gently. "It's expensive, calling an election. Surely you don't want your first act to be one of frivolous spending- "

"It's not frivolous, Mr. Ribbon!" The tan pony was adamant. "I'm trying to give ordinary Ponyvillians a say in the government!"

Of course - rather than to stall Filthy's plans, the bureaucrat surmised sarcastically. Yet it was time to change arguments. "It's also politically dangerous, Ma'am. What if the populace turns against you and votes Lyra's ponies in- "

"That's why we're scheduling this for next week, Mr. Ribbon, before anypony has any time to respond!"

The gray stallion retreated to his last defensive line. "Well, an election next week is too abrupt, Ma'am. We can't do it- "

"Excuses, excuses, excuses!" the gray-maned mare roared in indignation. "That's all you've been giving me so far! Mr. Ribbon, I don't care about explanations: give me those Council elections, next week!"

"Ma'am," the bureaucrat implored with a twinge of menace, "don't make this so difficult for everypony- "

"It's not difficult, Mr. Ribbon," the Mayor insisted. "It's just the same thing that you did last week!"

The gray stallion could feel the end of the argument approaching, conclusion distressingly not in his favor. But may Crimson Ribbon be darned eternally to Tartaros if he was to subject himself - and the entire civil service - to genuine civilian monitoring. The occasional oversight exercised by Princess Celestia was bad enough.

He sighed dramatically. All or nothing.

"We're not doing it," the Secretary for Administration stated flatly to his boss.

It took a while for Mayor Mare to register those words of rebellion. Her ears twitched. "Excuse me?"

"We're not doing it, Ma'am," Crimson Ribbon repeated. "We can't, and we won't."

A deathly silence as the tan pony contemplated the best way to finish off this insolent underling. "I'll get Ms. Coin to do it- "

"She won't either," the gray stallion interjected. And she'd better not!

The bespectacled mare had gone too far to be thwarted now. "I'll fire every top and mid-level pony, then. Maybe we'll have some ambitious ponies down there who actually obey their political masters," she snarled.

Crimson Ribbon smiled slickly. "Oh, your dedication to democratic principles is admirable, Mayor- "

The tan pony leant back in one unguarded moment. "Hmph. At least you appreciate- "

" -which must be the reason why you flaunted so many of those principles during your own election." The bureaucrat crossed his forelegs and waited for surrender.

Once again, Mayor Mare found herself caught. Her eyes widened. Her mouth opened dumbly. She was beat.

The gray stallion decided to be magnanimous in success. "Our plan isn't that bad, Mayor."

The bespectacled mare collapsed further into her chair, a sullen look ingrained on her face.

Crimson Ribbon continued. "You get seventy seats out of a hundred. That's veto-proof."

The politician gritted her teeth. "I guess," she conceded.

"And you get to look selfless, by accommodating the opposition like that."

Mayor Mare nodded slowly.

"And you get to deliver democracy to the Ponyvillians in the fastest time. Like, literally, tomorrow," the gray stallion concluded.

"Hmph." It wasn't like Mayor Mare was given much of a choice. "Fine, fine. Let's have the Legislative Council convene the day after tomorrow."

The Secretary for Administration gave a deep bow. "Noted, Ma'am. We'll have the Council up and running in no time at all. You have my word for that."

"Alright, alright," the Mayor waved a dismissive hoof at her subordinate. "Just get on with it."

Unbeknownst to either pony in the room, clouds of cotton candy were fast gathering on the horizon.

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) Election night description was mainly based on UK (for an example, search 'Reading East election' on Youtube), but concession phone calls are more a US phenomenon. 2) The Legislative Council is the name of the semi-elected lawmaking body in Hong Kong. 3) The establishment of the Ponyville legislature mirrors the 'embeddedness' theory (O'Brien et al) which claims that parliaments need to benefit existing ruling classes in order to gain power. (In that train of thought, unfree legislatures such as the Supreme Soviet/National People's Congress are actually an evolutionary step, rather than an aberration, of legislative development). 4) The practice of calling legislative elections immediately after presidential elections, in order to capitalize on popularity, is a feature (since 2000, institutionalized) in French politics.)]

S2E2: The Return of Harmony, Part 2

Season 2 Episode 2 - The Return of Harmony, Part 2

Princess Celestia General Hospital, Canterlot

A piercing sliver of light barged its way into the darkness. Blurry images began to form out of the ether, slowly focusing, the world slowly coming into view.

Beep. Beep. Beep. The unmistakeable sounds of a heart monitor disclosed to the tan pony where she was. A hospital – but where are the nurses? Where is the bed? Where’s the-

The creak of a creasing agenda, seemingly on the Mayor’s face, provided the answer. Quick as a flash, Mayor Mare pulled it off. Ah, Mr. Ribbon, so reliable, she thought:

The Agenda:

1. The Discord Incident. [ ]

A) Secure Discord’s Statue. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

-wait. Crimson never crossed his Ts. And I don’t recall his handwriting being so fancy…

“I hope you don’t mind,” Princess Celestia responded from the side of the bed.

“P-princess?” the Mayor looked sideways in shock. “B-but… oh, Discord!” her eyes widened in sudden horror, her brain scrambling to remember what happened before her mind went blank. Some vague discussion… some brown rain… some galloping rabbits…

A warm chuckle from Her Highness. “Do not worry, Mayor. Ponyville is safe.”

The tan pony heaved a sigh of relief as she surveyed her surroundings for any sign of Discord-generated damage. “Oh, that’s good to hear, but- wait. Why am I in Canterlot!?”

A small pause. “O-oh,” the alicorn stammered, barely stifling an embarrassed laugh. “Well. We found you in the gardens: in good shape, mind you, but you were… well… ” It was all the Princess could do to only let out a brief snigger. “Anyway. That’s not important. What I’m going to ask from you, however, is.”

The gray-maned mare felt that ignorance of her own antics was probably bliss, in this case. “Whatever you command, Your Highness.”

The Ruler of Equestria gestured nonchalantly at the agenda. “As you now know, Discord has been defeated and his chaos contained. Every pony will remember Ponyville’s contribution to his demise.”

“We praise Your Highness.” The tan pony wondered what task the Princess was buttering her up for.

The God of the Sun nodded gracefully. “Credit mostly to your citizens, Mayor. In any case, the situation we have now is this: Discord has been turned into stone, and as far as we know, ensconced in some Ponyville safehouse. Now, my sister and I have plans for the Lord of Chaos- ”

“We will return him to Your Highnesses as soon as possible,” Mayor Mare quickly responded, seeing a golden opportunity to curry favor.

The white alicorn halted her speech. She raised a suspicious eyebrow. “Can you guarantee me that, Mayor. Returning Discord.In one piece.”

Now it was the bespectacled mare’s turn to look puzzled. “Well of course I can!”

“Are you sure?” Princess Celestia seemed unconvinced. “After all, I realize you’ll now have to get that through Ponyville’s Legislative Council – which is an encouraging step forward for Equestria, let us get that straight.”

The gray-maned mare sensed a touch of insincerity accompanying the sovereign’s words. “Ponyville will guarantee it, Mayor. After all, they wouldn’t defy with your orders.”

A moment of silence as Celestia waited for Mayor Mare to reconsider. “Very well, Mayor,” she concluded at last. “I trust you.”

*

Outside the Town Hall Atrium, Ponyville

Filly Buster, Majority Whip in the Ponyville Legislative Council, knew where his loyalties lay. But even his adherence to Mayor Mare was being sorely tested in this case. “You want us to just let Discord go?” the silver-maned pony argued incredulously, his normally-sonorous Manehattan voice softening into a hush. “How are we going to justify this to the citizens?”

“These are Celestia’s orders!” Mayor Mare asserted to her hoofpicked Councilor. “The citizens will understand.”

“But Lyra will- ”

“Filly Buster!” the tan pony hissed. “Before you became Whip, you were just some low-level clerk back in the Office!”

The white stallion’s complexion drooped as he tacitly admitted his political debt. “But everypony else thinks its suicidal to vote like this… ”

“No ifs, ands, or buts, Buster!” Mayor Mare declared, raising her voice to normal pitch. “I personally picked all of you to serve in LegCo! You will deliver me that vote when I call for it!”

Filly Buster realized that continued complaining was only going to jeopardize his position further. “Yes, Mayor Mare,” he sighed as he slunk out into the chamber.

*

Town Hall Atrium, Ponyville

Pending the completion of a proper Council Hall, the legislature was to hold its deliberations in Town Hall. A hundred councilors sat in a semicircle, a wide gap three-quarters through the arc separating Lyra’s Councilors from the pro-government camp.

Mayor Mare walked down the aisle. Her hoofsteps ricocheted through the stillness – the deadening, deafening silence. The atmosphere was eerily tense, considering the momentous occasion: the opening of Ponyville’s first ever parliament. But there was too much at stake for any of the politicians to feel the weight of history bearing down upon them.

The tan pony climbed onto a central dais and took her seat as Convener of the Ponyville Legislative Council. “Fillies and gentlecolts,” she announced, conscious of the intense attention being focused on her. “Due to recent events, let’s skip the niceties and go straight to business. First on the agenda: how to deal with Discord.”

The chamber fell quieter, assuming that was even physically possible.

Mayor Mare cleared her throat uneasily. “Now, I know a lot of you are thirsting for revenge at the… monster, who very nearly put an end to our great town. But I have just received a request from Canterlot- ”

Sullen mutterings and hisses ruptured the stillness. The tan pony saw Buster look around worryingly.

The bespectacled mare had little choice but to press on. “- that we hand over the statue of Discord to them, undamaged and unharmed. It is my opinion that we should do so as soon as- ”

“What!” the shrill shriek of a Councilor – coming from the pro-Mayor Mare side of the chamber – signaled the unwelcome beginning of debate. “After all that he has done to us? Are the Princesses crazy?”

“Councilor Neighgel!” Twilight Sparkle – inevitably one of Mayor Mare’s first choices for legislator – jumped quickly to the defense of her mentor. “The Princesses have good reasons for asking this of us… ”

“Psh!” Lyra Heartstrings interrupted. “The Princesses live in Canterlot, Councilor Sparkle! What do they know about the troubles we went through? You’re here to represent Ponyville, not Canterlot- ”

“Excuse me!” the magical pony defended herself. “As a pony who helped defeat- ”

The lime-green mare was no longer listening. She turned around and began addressing the floor. “Fillies and gentlecolts! The Equine Party – the Party of Lyra Heartstrings – we know what Ponyvillians want! We know they want revenge! We know they want Discord to pay! So let’s vote to keep Discord in Ponyville, for all to spit at and abuse!”

That struck the correct chords. “Whooo!” Ponies from both sides of the aisle hollered and stomped the ground in a show of bipartisan solidarity. Filly Buster looked around again, worry spreading like a cancer across his face.

Lyra, thus emboldened, escalated her demands. “In fact, let’s hack one of Discord’s arms off! That’ll teach any creature to mess with our great city!”

“Ly-ra! Ly-ra! Ly-ra!” The councilors were being skilfully whipped up into a vengeful delirium. Filly Buster looked around, body betraying all the classic signs of panic. He looked at Mayor Mare in desperation. “Stop them,” the equally unsettled Convener mouthed. “Stop them!”

Things were fast developing out of control. “We’ll show Canterlot who are the real masters in Ponyville now!” Lyra shook her hoof in righteous indignation.

Filly Buster broke eye contact with Mayor Mare and turned back to the crowd, an abrupt thought barging into his mind.

“We’ll show those Princesses that the will of the Ponyvillians is to be respected!” the lime-green pony roared, confident of popular support.

A sly smile was fast creeping over the white stallion’s mouth. Uh oh.

Lyra could feel another set of demands coming on. “Actually, come to think of it, let’s- ”

“Let’s smash the statue of Discord into dust! That’ll send the best message to our enemies!” Filly Buster, sacrificing Mayor Mare for the sake of political expediency, roared.

No!

“Ponies, ponies!” A fast-foundering Mayor Mare tried her best to salvage the situation. “Maybe we should leave this vote for another day- ”

The demands of the legislature were not so easily sated. Mayor Mare’s defecting Majority Whip turned towards his erstwhile political patron. “These are our rights, Mayor!” Filly Buster pointed an accusing hoof. “You cannot withdraw this motion!”

“We’re voting on it, Mayor!” Lyra chimed in as Twilight Sparkle facehoofed in despair. “We’ll veto your decision!”

All too late, Mayor Mare surveyed the sea of angry Councilors in front of her. Yep, honeymoon period was definitively over.

*

Ponyville Park, Ponyville

“Falling out of love with democracy so soon, Mayor,” Security Chief Delta Force commented, as the duo observed Discord’s statue being hauled onto a wagon, express-bound to distant Canterlot. “Doesn’t bode well for your future.”

“That is, if I still have a future, Captain Force,” Mayor Mare pawed the ground nervously. “This is political suicide. All because of the Princesses and their amazing plan.”

“Mm-hmm,” the red stallion stubbed out his cigarette. “Well, you are defying LegCo’s voted desire to destroy this statue. You’ll be getting the impeachment notice soon, I reckon.”

Mayor Mare let out a bitter laugh. “Thanks for the encouragement.”

“Whatever.” With somepony else to shield his fall, the red stallion wasn’t too worried about the political prospects of his boss. He turned to the driver. “Get her going to Canterlot, then. Celestiaspeed.”

*

Town Hall, Ponyville

Filly Buster, being the leader of Mayor Mare’s ex-party, was mentally sizing up the Mayor’s office as he read out the impeachment declaration. “… and I hereby call a vote on the following motion: the impeachment of Mayor Mare, Mayor of Ponyville and Convener of the Ponyville Legislative Council, for her brazen declaration of contempt towards the same Council.”

Mayor Mare continued to sit in stony silence, trying to eradicate any trace of emotional weakness within her. Most of her own party members – the ones that owed their places in the legislature to her – now expressed nothing but pure contempt for their political benefactor. Councilor Twilight Sparkle, weighed down by apology and remorse, proved to be an exception. And for that, the other ponies were resolutely ignoring her as well.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle, Lyra Heartstrings closed her eyes and smiled in diabolical anticipation of what was to come.

“… and may I remind you.” Councilor Buster could barely conceal his glee. “It takes eighty votes for an impeachment to take effect! Eighty votes, fillies and gentlecolts! So raise your hooves when called, and let’s kick this treasonous Mayor back into the gutter!”

The bespectacled mare closed her eyes, trying to squeeze a tear out from her eye. None came.

“All those voting ‘nay’ to the impeachment of Mayor Mare, raise your hooves!” the silver-maned stallion bellowed confidently.

One purple foreleg slowly surfaced over the mass of pony Councilors, prompting angry whispers and cries of ‘Shame!’.

“And those voting ‘yea’, raise your hooves!”

The sound of many hooves shooting up into the air. The gray-maned pony kept her eyes shut, slowly savoring the last few seconds of her political career.

That time I got beat up by Granny Smith…

That time we made up the height of Mt. Annaponya…

That time I got thrown into Ponyville Jail…

That time I almost got kicked out of office because of hot water-

Wait a minute. This was taking a bit too long.

“Lyra, your Councilors need to raise their hooves if we are to hit eighty,” Councilor Buster’s Manehattan voice remarked impatiently.

“I’m thinking, Buster, I’m thinking,” came the collected response.

“You can’t abstain, Ms. Heartstrings,” Filly Buster pressed harder.

Another pause.

Lyra cleared her throat slowly and deliberately. “Fine then, Buster. We vote ‘nay’.”

A stunned respite. “‘N-nay’?” came the awestruck stammer. "B-but... "

The opposition leader savored the delicious moment. “Yes, ‘nay’. That means sixty-nine to thirty-one then, I reckon. Motion dismissed.”

Mayor Mare pinched herself hard. Nope, she wasn’t dreaming.

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

Being approximately the same age as Twilight Sparkle meant that Finance Secretary Bit Coin was a bit more forthcoming with the lavender pony, compared with other bureaucratic heads. Of course, there was also the fact that Bit Coin’s cousin was applying to the Canterlot School of Gifted Unicorns.

“… so why would Lyra even do that?” Twilight poked mirthlessly at her salad. “It just doesn’t make sense. I mean, it’s a good thing – for me – but still.”

“Well, think about it,” Bit Coin explained in between munches of her veggie burger. “If Lyra impeach Mayor Mare, what would she gain?”

The unicorn’s response was all too instinctive. “Well, she’d get the Mayor out.”

The chestnut mare shook her head. “You’re not thinking politically, Twilight.”

A pause as the bookish mare waited for the solution.

The earth pony took another bite, gesturing vaguely all the while. “If Lyra kicks the Mayor out, Filly Buster would become the new Mayor. That doesn’t improve her position- ”

“Oh.”

“- at least, not to the extent as having Mayor Mare utterly dependent on her for political survival.”

Twilight pushed the salad away, cursing herself for not realizing the ploy earlier.

“Poor Mayor,” Bit Coin shrugged, devouring the remainder of her meal. “We did warn her.”

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) Policy escalation due to fear of electoral reprisal is a common theme in most democracies, where being tough on crime/terrorism is seen as essential for a Congressman to seem 'strong'. It also explains some of the more controversial statements made by Senators (e.g. McCain bombing Hong Kong because of Snowden). 2) Governments can theoretically be propped up only by the opposition, although naturally this is not a common occurrence. A possible example could be the Lib Dems and Conservatives propping up the Labor government for a few days following the 2010 UK elections.]

S2E3: Lesson Zero

Season 2 Episode 3 – Lesson Zero

The Mayor’s House, Ponyville

“What’s all the commotion about?”

“They’re fighting over that doll!”

“That incredible, amazing doll… ”

…

“C-can’t… get… a clear shot!”

“Give me!”

“N-n-nope!”

Mayor Mare tossed and turned, trying her darnedest to eject those shameful memories into the pitch-dark night.

*

Celestia’s Sun hung lazily over the purple mountains, illuminating its surroundings with majestic splendor.

“Just another day,” Mayor Mare mumbled as she crunched another mouthful of oatmeal. She felt way more sleep-deprived than usual. And who could blame her for that?

“Urgh!” The bespectacled mare shook her head grumpily, trying to get those images out from her brain. Oh, the embarrassment! Herself… Twilight Sparkle… Ponyville… they would never, ever, live this down.

And to think that the day had started off so normally as well- a frosty chinwag with Lyra Heartstrings, the cabinet meeting with Mr. Ribbon and Ms. Coin, the unhappy grumbling as she was then handed the daily agenda-

Wait. The tan pony’s mind suddenly skidded to a halt. I got the agenda AFTER I met with Mr. Ribbon?

She pondered that for a moment before finally dismissing it. Of course she got the agenda late: there was that ultra-important meeting with Lyra Heartstrings beforehand, remember? And given what transpired later, the Mayor could well have been acting out-of-character for the entire day.

The gray-maned mare’s ruminations were suddenly interrupted by a little poof and a sudden cloud of smoke, clearing away to reveal a roll of parchment. It was the day’s task:

The Agenda

1. Meeting with Ms. Sparkle (Confirmation as Party Whip). [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

“Great,” the bespectacled mare murmured sarcastically. “Just more grist for the rumor mill.”

Well, best get to it. Mayor Mare pushed her chair back, preparing to start another day of politicking and work. She set the newspaper down, took the empty bowl and headed into the kitchen.

The headline of the Express was pure and simple. OOPS! MAYOR AWARDS GRIFFIN-ONLY HONOR TO TWILIGHT SPARKLE.

*

Mane Street, Ponyville

Just another typical Ponyville morning as Mayor Mare trotted down its main artery. Granny Smith was setting up the Apples’ stall. A streak of rainbow streaked overhead, drawing up the morning fog with it. Carrot Top’s voice, still untested for the day, announced today’s bargain: “Lovely tub of carrots! Twenty bits and its yours!”

Snarky giggles and stifled laughter followed the politician doggedly, ruining the idyllic atmosphere somewhat. Probably inevitable, given the botched ceremony yesterday. But there was nothing for Mayor Mare to do but to just saunter on as if nothing had happened… “Hey, Mayor!”

The bespectacled mare looked back to see Bon Bon cantering up to the politician. Now, the Mayor didn’t normally see much of Lyra Heartstrings’ companion, but from the concerned look on the candy pony’s face, she clearly had important things to discuss.

The beige pony sidled up to the Mayor, pausing a couple times to glance back nervously. She had the jitters. “M-mayor,” she whispered in a hushed voice. “Do you notice it?”

The politician raised an eyebrow. “Notice what?”

Bon Bon snorted in disappointment. “Argh! It can’t just be me!”

That piqued the Mayor’s attention. “What can’t just be you?”

“Well,” Lyra’s companion gestured impatiently. “You know, the massive pony fight we had just yesterday?”

“What? Pony fight?” the politician shook her head. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, I- argh!” Bon Bon gritted her teeth in annoyance. “Look, Mayor, you’ve got to look into this! I swear, I swear it happened; but nopony seems to realize it, not even Lyra!”

“Um, Ms. Bon… ” Mayor Mare began. Hmm… there WAS that issue with Crimson’s agenda…

“Please, Mayor,” Lyra’s companion pleaded.

“Erm… ” But still, I don’t recall any of this... “I’ll see what I can do, Ms. Bon.”

*

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

“… and as you doubtless know, Ms. Sparkle, the most crucial job you have, as Whip, is to make sure our Councilors vote the right way. Now, granted, the only member in our party now is you, but still- ”

“ -oh, of course, Mayor! I don’t mind, I’ll do my best, I’ll really do my best!”

Seems really eager to please, the tan pony couldn’t help but think. Maybe she needed to lighten the mood. “Well, maybe you’ll even try and ‘convince’ some other Councilors with your magic, huh?” Mayor Mare winked as she ribbed the magical pony-

“Ahh!” Twilight gave a yelp of pure terror as she leapt into the air, her tail straightening out as if she had been shocked.

To say that this was an unexpected reaction would be an understatement. Mayor Mare instinctively leant away from the unicorn, sending both her chair and her body tumbling onto the floor. “W-what’s the matter, Ms. Sparkle?” she finally chattered, hooves massaging her injured rump.

The purple mare’s normally-agile mind froze up. “B-but… the...the… ” she shook her head violently. “No no, I was just thinking of what ha- ” her voice stopped mid-word as Twilight sat, paralyzed, for a split second. She shook her head even more violently after that. “No no no, it’s nothing, it’s nothing!”

Look, Mayor, you’ve got to look into this! Bon Bon’s words came rushing back in a mental torrent. The gray-maned mare’s eyes narrowed. “Something is wrong, Ms. Sparkle.”

Sweating profusely, Twilight clamped her mouth shut and shook her head with a vengeance.

Mayor Mare stared hard at the strange-acting pony opposite her, awaiting further response.

Silence.

“M-m-mayor… ” the bookish mare was trembling like a leaf. “I… I… d-don’t think I... want t-to do this j-job… ”

Twilight’s new position was no longer the salient issue. “Ms. Sparkle, did something happen yesterday that I didn’t know about?” the tan pony bluffed, sensing that Twilight and Bon Bon probably witnessed the same event.

The lavender unicorn dared not meet the Mayor’s gaze. She shook her head furiously. “Nothing, nothing!” she whimpered, scrambling to find a way out. “It’s- it’s… just… it’s just that… oh, it’s just that the Princess wants my friends to… write letters about friendship to her too!” she grabbed her tail and began brushing it frantically. “Yes! I was worried about losing her trust, that’s all! Yes, that’s it! Nothing else happened; nothing else happened, I swear to Celestia, nothing else happened!”

The truth was obvious. But it was pointless to push the magical pony to the brink. Celestia knows what she could do when cornered, the tan pony thought, an involuntary shiver coursing down her spine. “Alright. I believe you, Ms. Sparkle. So you’ll be our new whip?”

“Oh, yes, Mayor Mare; anything, Mayor Mare!” Twilight jumped off the chair and immediately ran to the door, itching to leave. “I’ll do my best, Mayor Mare!”

With every passing moment, Bon Bon’s petition was becoming less and less insane to Mayor Mare.

The Agenda

1. Meeting with Ms. Sparkle (Confirmation as Party Whip). [✓]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

*

Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville

Well, with all the ponies that the Apples employ, they must know something, Mayor Mare rationalized as she walked down the dirt path to the Apple residence, hoping to investigate all this strangeness further.

“Oh hey! Mayor Ma’am!” Applejack galloped over to greet the newcomer. “What brings you here?”

“Hello, Ms. Applejack!” Mayor Mare replied. “May I just ask what you did yesterday?”

“Me?” the country pony drew back in thought. “Well… let’s see… well I was out all day with them ponies. Picnic, I think. Not with Twi’, though. Think she was at your awards thingy, wasn’t she? Read it in the Express this morning.”

The gray-maned mare’s furrows deepened. “I gave Ms. Sparkle an award, and her friends decided to go to a picnic instead?”

“Erm… I guess… ” the orange mare suddenly became aware of the contradiction. “Well… that’s strange… oh!” Applejack’s ears perked up as she remembered the answer. “Of course we did! That’s why we wrote to the Princess that we learnt that we should take our friends’ worries seriously, and also to control your worries. Yeah, that must be it.”

That only added to the tan mare’s puzzlement. “Strange lessons to be learning from that.”

“Well, that’s the truth,” the farm pony declared. “Least it’s an answer, Mayor. Big Mac won’t even tell us where he got the doll from.”

“The doll?”

Applejack shrugged. “Says he ‘can’t remember’. Yeah, right.”

What does this all mean? Mayor Mare was becoming more and more perplexed by the minute. None of this makes any sense!

*

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

Evening was falling as Mayor Mare mentally reviewed her evidence. Mr. Ribbon’s agenda being uncharacteristically late. Bon Bon’s comment. Twilight overreacting at a joke about magical brainwashing. Applejack’s thoroughly odd testimony. Big Mac’s doll.

Something must have happened in Ponyville yesterday; something that was either too inconsequential – or important – for most ponies to have no recollection of it. Judging from Twilight and Bon Bon’s reactions, it must have been the latter: but, in that case, what could possibly be important enough for those in power (presumably) to resort to such a move?

Mayor Mare lowered her head as she delved deeper into the mystery. Twilight knew, so it must have involved her… but Bon Bon knew as well, so maybe she saw it? But she expected me to know as well, so maybe the whole town saw it… she also said something about a fight… a pan-Ponyville war, maybe? But how?

Maybe… Twilight? She must have been really important to this event… she really freaked out when I joked to her about ‘persuading’ ponies with magic… so maybe… maybe she did-

A soft knock on the door stopped Mayor Mare’s progress. “Who’s there?” she called out.

“Me! Bon Bon! The petition! Have you found anything yet?” the voice of the beige mare replied.

“Ms. Bon!” Mayor Mare quickly rushed to the door and leant against it, voice lowering into a whisper. “I think you’re right, Ms. Bon: something did happen yesterday, and somehow Ponyville’s been mind-wiped because of it! It must have had something to do with- ” Actually, stepping into sensitive territory here... “Well, you know what; why don’t you come in and we’ll talk about it?”

“Okay!” The door opened and-

*

“I swear, I swear it happened; but nopony seems to realize it, not even Lyra!”

…

“Yes! I was worried about losing her trust, that’s all! Nothing else happened; nothing else happened, I swear to Celestia, nothing else happened!”

…

“Least it’s an answer. Big Mac won’t even tell us where he got the doll from.”

Night slunk stealthily into Mayor Mare’s Office, unnoticed by the sleeping pony.

*

“Mom? Mom! Mayor!” Cheerilee’s voice was betraying an increasing urgency…

“Wh…wha- ?” The tan pony’s eyes suddenly shot open as the world came back into being. There she was, curled up in the middle of her office, tired out of her mind. It had been a long and exhausting day.

Cheerilee stood in front of her, her face showing nothing but concern. “Oh, Mom; you so scared me when you didn’t come back at ten! Surely you could have brought your work back home?”

“Eurgh… ” the tan pony shook her head. Receiving a petition from Ms. Bon… interviewing Ms. Sparkle… visiting Ms. Applejack… it sure was a hard day.

The schoolteacher pony huffed at the lack of response. “In any case, Bon Bon came with me. Apparently she wants to ask about her petition.”

The bespectacled mare’s ears perked. “Petition? Oh, petition!” she got up to her hooves and dusted herself off. “Right, show her in please, Cheerie.”

The door opened and the beige pony trotted in. “Good sleep, Mayor?” she asked, a tiny droplet of sarcasm in her voice.

“Good enough,” the gray-maned mare smiled. “Now let’s talk about what you were asking.”

Bon Bon cleared her throat. “Right. So, as I said, Lyra has grave doubts about you appointing Twilight Sparkle as whip for your party… ”

“She’s the only party member I have, Ms. Bon,” Mayor Mare reminded the beige pony.

“But still,” Bon Bon frowned. “Lyra thinks she might be too… good at her job. I mean, she has saved Equestria twice. It’s a bit... unfair.”

“Well, tell Lyra to come and we’ll try to work something out then,” Mayor Mare offered, knowing full well that her political fortunes rested on the goodwill of the lime-green pony. “Actually, in fact, why did Lyra send you here instead of coming herself?”

That question seemed new to Bon Bon. She pondered uneasily for a while, her furrows deepening with every second. “Hmm… I don’t know,” she finally admitted. “Strange.”

Mayor Mare heaved a sigh and stood up, ready to return back into the comfort of her bed. I can’t be bothered to think anymore. “Thank you anyway, Ms. Bon. We’ll ‘consider’ your proposal.”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Conspiracy Theories involving Government - this story was inspired by the Philadelphia Experiment & the 'Unitology' conspiracy in the Dead Space series.]

(I tried to make sure this story fitted with subsequent episodes, but if there is anything trivially wrong let me know. I'll write an alternative take - still on conspiracies, though - if this experiment goes terribly wrong.)

S2E4: Luna Eclipsed

Season 2 Episode 4 – Luna Eclipsed

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

The Agenda

1. Ms. Sparkle’s first Bill [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

Mayor Mare put down the piece of paper and leant back contentedly, sensing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to ingratiate herself with the Princess.

Two soft knocks on the door reminded the politician to let her expected guest in. “Hello? Mayor?” Twilight Sparkle’s muffled voice asked.

The gray-maned pony immediately jumped out of her seat and sauntered towards the door. “Come in, come in!” she enthusiastically greeted. “Mr. Ribbon has already informed me of your plans.”

“Oh, did he? Did he?” Twilight’s voice was bubbling with excitement. “Oh, that’s great, Mayor!”

The politician ushered her protégé to the desk. “Tea?” The finest Cantlemile filled two teacups.

“Thank you, oh thank you, Mayor!” the bookish mare, temporarily forgetting etiquette, downed the contents in one gulp. “Oh, you won’t believe how long I’ve waited for this! Thank you so much, Mayor, for- ”

“That’s quite all right, Ms. Sparkle,” the bespectacled mare interjected, slightly bemused at the excessive enthusiasm. “It’s a new experience, I guess.”

“New experience?” the magical pony pounced out of her seat in amazement. “This is more than a new experience, Mayor! It’s belonging! It’s being part of the community! It’s being able to really do things that affect- ”

“Whoa there, Ms. Sparkle,” the gray-maned mare couldn’t resist chuckling a little at the unicorn’s expense. “We still have some way to go.”

Twilight withdrew, blushing at her unexpected outburst. “Sorry, Mayor.”

“That’s fine. No doubt Her Highness will appreciate your efforts. Have you any idea of what you want to introduce legislation on?”

“Well… ” the purple mare rubbed her chin in thought. “I do have something in mind, but I need some time to think about the details. A few days, maybe?”

Mayor Mare smiled at the thought of how much the Princess Celestia would be in her debt. “Of course, Ms. Sparkle. In the meantime, let me talk to Ms. Heartstrings to gather support.”

*

The ‘Duke of Mane’ Restaurant, Ponyville

“Hmph.” Lyra Heartstrings scrunched her face up in a pout and crossed her forelegs grimly. “I still see no need to support anything of Twilight’s.”

Mayor Mare sighed. The past hour of negotiations had yielded no fruit: it was folly to imagine another would change the mare’s mind. Yet, for her own sake, she had to try!

The tan pony opted for an alternative approach. “Ms. Heartstrings,” Mayor Mare began, delicately pronouncing every word. “Her Highness will not be pleased to see you actively obstructing her student’s lessons.”

The lime-green pony rolled her eyes, long anticipating this argument. “Look, Mayor. The Princess makes a big show about non-interference in local affairs. She’s not going to risk her political chips for you; she’s not going to risk them for Ms. Sparkle’s lessons either.”

It was, of course, the truth. Mayor Mare gritted her teeth as she sought to respond to her political ally.

Her opponent’s utter self-satisfaction only made things worse. “You should really be satisfied with your rump on that plush leather chair,” the cyan-maned pony cooed. “Don’t push your luck.”

The tan mare strained out a smile, contrary to every inch of her being. “I won’t, Lyra- Ms. Heartstrings, I mean.”

“Good.” The cyan pony looked back. “Waiter, have my friend here pay the bill, please.”

*

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

Thump. A thick stack of foolscap skidded to a halt in front of Mayor Mare.

“Whew!” Twilight rubbed her brow in satisfaction. “And who would’ve thought that the acronym would be the most difficult part of the bill?”

Mayor Mare scrutinized the daunting pile of dead wood. “The PONY Bill,” she read.

The lavender mare giggled at her own wit. “You get it? PONY Bill… Ponyville? That took ages!”

“Ah.” The tan pony let out a polite cough in lieu of laughter. “I see.”

The politician’s mind was on other things. How am I going to tell her that I can’t get Lyra on board? Maybe I should try talking to Filly Buster again…?

“Oh, I knew you’d love it, Mayor!” the magical unicorn chirped with glee. “The PONY Bill: the Prepare Our Naïve Youngsters Bill! Oh, this is going to be so great!”

That caught the politician’s attention. “Prepare Our Naïve Youngsters?” she repeated. “Prepare for what?”

Twilight flailed her arms about, just bursting to tell her mentor about almost everything. “Well, you see, during Nightmare Night, I was wearing a Starswirl the Bearded costume, but nopony realized who I was! Now that’s inexcusable, given the wizard’s contributions to ponykind, so I considered forming a history group to teach every filly and colt about pony history. But then, I thought: ‘why not use my position as a Councilor to REFORM history education instead?’ Then nopony will ever be in the dark about Equestria’s history, and nopony will ever not recognize Starswirl the Bearded again!”

That is the most ridiculous excuse for- wait. The meaning of Twilight’s soliloquy finally registered with the bespectacled mare’s brain. “So this is an educational bill?”

“Yes, Mayor! I’ll make sure the kids get taught real history!” the bookish mare beamed with fervent anticipation.

The glint of political opportunity twinkled in the tan pony’s eye. “Ms. Sparkle- ”

“And with the support you’ve helped me get, Mayor, we’ll improve Ponyvillians’ minds for generations and generations!” the lavender pony mused. “Maybe one day, they’ll even dress up as you and me!”

“They will, Ms. Sparkle; they will.”

*

Ponyville Legislative Council Chamber, Ponyville

--- EDUCATION COMMITTEE: FULL COMMITTEE HEARING ON THE PREPARE OUR NAÏVE YOUNGSTERS BILL ---

Witness: Ms. Cheerilee

Secretary for State Crimson Ribbon slid into his seat next to Mayor Mare. “I will say this again, Mayor: don’t support this bill. You have nothing to gain from angering Lyra.”

“There’s no way she can oppose an educational bill, Mr. Ribbon,” the tan pony retorted. “She can’t stop this from passing.”

“May I remind you,” the bureaucrat hissed, “that Lyra can kick you out at any- ”

“Shh!” Mayor Mare held up a hoof to silence the gray stallion.

Councilor Lyra Heartstrings, Chairpony (and only member) of the Educational Committee, banged her gavel twice to call the room to attention. “Now that I have analyzed Ms. Cheerilee’s opening statement, may I ask you a few questions regarding her support of the PONY Bill?”

“Of course, Ms. Chairpony,” the schoolteacher nodded, closing her eyes in rapt concentration.

“Alright then. The first question is this: if the PONY Bill does come into effect, its recommendations will put you over the union limit for teaching hours. Isn’t this a reason to dismiss this legislation?”

“Of course,” Lyra hastily clarified, “that is the last thing I want to do.”

Cheerilee was prepared for this. “Ms. Chairpony: in that case, I will teach less of the subjects where the schoolfillies are doing better at. After all, the alternative is rejecting this bill, and nopony should be seen opposing education for the young – especially history education, which I have mentioned earlier as being sub-par.”

“Yes!” Scootaloo jumped up in glee. “Score one for- ”

“ORDER!” The gavel struck twice again. Lyra sensed that she was being boxed into a corner. “Understood, Ms. Cheerilee. Second question: how do we know that the poor results in history were due to the syllabus, and not through your own teaching? I mean, if they were, I’d have no reason to approve this bill. Which I obviously don’t want- ”

“Hey! You can’t say that to Miss- !” Sweetie Belle raised her voice in protest.

“Guards!” The cyan pony rapped the desk impatiently. “Throw the offenders out of the committee room, please.”

Cheerilee tried not to look at Sweetie Belle as two burly stallions dragged the Cutie Mark Crusaders, kicking and screaming, from the room. Well, bringing the class here for Civic Studies was a mistake.

“I won the History Prize while in university,” the schoolteacher answered, mind back to the original task. “And I don’t believe my teaching would suddenly worsen during a history lesson. Even if what you are charging were true, I would hire another history teacher instead. After all, the alternative is rejecting the PONY Bill, and nopony should be seen opposing education for the young.”

Lyra twitched. She was being boxed in, and she was running out of good questions. “I will remind you, Ms. Cheerilee, that I am a supporter of the PONY Bill. Third question: how are you so sure that the kids don’t know any history? If the core assumptions are wrong, then this bill has no reason to exist. Of course, I think there are such reasons, but I’d like to hear your opinion.”

Cheerilee shrugged. “I have the records, Ms. Chairpony. And even if the core assumptions are wrong, there’s always room for improvement. After all, the alternative- ”

“I see,” the cyan pony interjected impotently. “In any case, given your testimony, I see no reason to dismiss the PONY Bill at the committee stage. Not that I ever wanted to,” she hurriedly added. “Well, now that our business is done, the committee will stand adjourned.”

Crimson Ribbon learnt into Mayor Mare’s ear as the duo rose to leave. “Good performance,” he congratulated.

“Thanks. I always knew Cheerie inherited the good genes.”

*

Canterlot Convention Center, Canterlot

“Come on, Lyra,” Bon Bon tried to reassure her glum companion as they flitted from stall to stall. “Just enjoy the Book Fair. Who cares if Twilight’s bill passes?”

“I care,” the cyan pony moped. “It’s gone through first reading already. I need to stop it before it’s too late.”

“For Pete’s sake, Lyra. She’s saved Ponyville several times over already. Think of it as her reward.”

“You don’t understand! I can’t let Twilight’s confidence rise. With her prestige and backing, she’d be politically unstoppable.” Lyra pawed the ground in angst. “And I want to be Mayor someday.”

“Well,” Bon Bon huffed as she stopped to browse. “I still think you’re being really catty towards somepony who has saved all of our lives.”

“You know she’s being used by the Mayor, Bon.”

“That doesn’t mean – oh wow, look,” A book had caught the eye of the confectionary pony. “Can you believe they let this get published?”

“Huh?” the cyan pony’s eyes scanned the title. “‘The Cockpit of Rebellion: West Phalia, Old Ponyville and the Lunar Republic.’ Taking advantage of the recently-opened Canterlot archives, renowned scholar- wait a minute.” Lyra’s orange eyes lit up. The devil of an idea had struck.

“What is it, Lyra?” a perplexed Bon Bon asked.

The cyan pony grinned at her companion. “Bon, you always make my day.”

*

Ponyville Legislative Council Chamber, Ponyville

A sense of dread crept up onto the Convenor of LegCo, Mayor Mare. Lyra was throwing her full weight behind the PONY Bill. Something bad was about to happen.

“…and, of course, we always want to provide the best education for our kids,” Lyra continued. “And the PONY Bill helps us do that!”

Twilight Sparkle was overjoyed. “Oh, thank you, thank you, Ms. Heartstrings!”

Mayor Mare facehoofed. This little unicorn still had some way to go.

“I’m so glad you agree with me, Ms. Sparkle,” the cyan-maned mare smirked. “But may I take this opportunity to insert a little amendment.”

The bespectacled mare could only watch helplessly as the lavender pony leant forward eagerly. “I’m always up for new ideas, Councilor Heartstrings! After all, that’s what education is about, isn’t it?”

“Sure, sure,” Lyra waved a piece of paper around, keen to get to her point. “I propose to add this amendment: that the PONY Bill include a provision to encourage the teaching of local history in the Ponyville School District.”

The cyan pony surveyed the staid chamber, obviously quite pleased to see her plan succeeding so stealthily. Nopony seemed too alarmed by the newest development.

Something is wrong here, the tan pony narrowed her eyes. But I can’t put my hoof on it!

Twilight Sparkle was less circumspect. “Oh, that’s a great idea! I’ll definitely vote for that amendment!”

Lyra’s smile grew ever wider.

*

Mayor Mare’s House, Ponyville

“Urgh!” Cheerilee slammed her copy of Misty of Chincoteague shut in frustration. Of all the days that she could have been late for dinner – it HAD to be today!

The schoolteacher cast an annoyed glance at the kitchen table. The once-delectably delicious cream of mushroom soup had gone cold, an unsightly skin forming on its tepid surface. “And I spent an hour on that darned thing- ”

Riing!

“About time,” the cerise pony muttered. She picked up the phone and demanded an explanation. “What?!”

“… I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” a terrified voice on the other end squeaked.

Wait, that's not Mom! “What? Oh dear,” she backtracked rapidly. “Sorry. Who is this?”

The caller had not yet recovered. “T- Twilight?” it stammered.

“Oh! Well I’m guessing you want to speak to her, but- ”

“Oh no no no!” the unicorn interrupted hastily. “That’s not- ”

“You want to talk to me?” Now the schoolteacher was puzzled.

“Y-yes,” the studious pony mumbled in trepidation. “Well I mean, please pass this on to the Mayor. If you can. Please.”

“Alright, Twilight. What’s the matter?”

A pause on the other end of the line. “I-I… c-can’t… I have to withdraw the Bill,” the magical unicorn gulped.

“Oh?” the schoolteacher raised an eyebrow. “Why? It was genuinely a good idea.”

“Well… um… er…” the normally-verbose pony was quite hesitant. “The Princesses… well… I can’t tell you. S-sorry.”

Maybe it’s just inexperience, the cherry-maned pony surmised. “Is it Lyra’s amendment? You could try and reject it; see if the other Councilors follow your lead.”

Twilight was really hoping to end this conversation soon. “Well… er… ponies would then ask why… anyway,” she concluded, voice trembling. “I just can’t let the Bill pass. I’m sorry… I didn’t know… please tell the Mayor- ”

“Don’t worry, Twilight,” Cheerilee consoled. “It’s not your fault. I’ll make sure the Mayor sees that.”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) The US Congress' penchant for nice-sounding acronyms for their laws (PATRIOT, America COMPETES, COBRA, etc.) 2) Committee hearings are based on US Senate practice (HELP, more specifically), although obviously Ponyville has a massively simplified system. 3) 'Wrecking' amendments: amendments, usually added after the first reading, that seek to 'destroy' a bill by perverting its intent. 4) History censorship, in its various forms, is a feature in most countries, from the highly overt erasure of Chinese political disasters to the covert suppression of Latino history in Arizona.]

S2E6: The Cutie Pox

Season 2 Episode 6 – The Cutie Pox

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Our policy towards the expected visitor influx. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

“And the news that all of Equestria has long been waiting for: the Canterlot Academy of Sciences announced today that it is sending a botanical expedition to Ponyville. Its focus will be on the Heart’s Desire, the flower that has been at the center of attention since its ‘discovery’ a few days ago, although its properties were well-known to local herbalists… ”

Finance Secretary Bit Coin tuned out the TV, unable to conceal the grin on her face. “You know what this means, Mayor.”

The Mayor smiled back. “Oh, sure. It means that ponykind has made another step towards unravelling the secrets of Nature- ”

The chestnut pony facehoofed. “No, Mayor! ...well alright, yes it does mean that, but I meant something else: the expected arrival of- ”

“I was being facetious, Ms. Coin.”

“Oh.” The young mare glanced uneasily at the tan pony, not quite sure if she needed to elaborate further. She opened her ledger in order to buy some thinking time. “Anyway. With this news, I’ll be revising the visitor numbers upwards: we’ll be getting ten times more tourists to Ponyville this season.” The tome shut with a satisfying thud. “Big business, Ma’am. Lots of revenue.”

“Never hurts to have more money,” the gray-maned mare affirmed the obvious. “And at almost no cost too. Maybe a few hiccups in infrastructure. Maybe.”

The Finance Secretary concurred, punching some numbers absent-mindedly into her pocket calculator. “Total win-win, Mayor. The Legislative Council will love it. The citizens will love it. And the bureaucracy loves it. We can’t lose here, Ma’am.”

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

The atmosphere in the bakery was one of unmitigated melancholy. “Mr. Cake? What’s the matter?” Councilor Twilight Sparkle asked as she cantered into the store, a distressed Pinkie Pie following in hot pursuit.

“We’re closing,” the amber stallion moaned as he glumly cleaned a baking tray.

“What? Why?” the magical unicorn blurted out in shock

The ears on the baking pony drooped even further. “You know the twins are nearly due. Well, stupid me decided to sell the building for some quick cash: and next thing you know, the new owner’s quadrupled the rent!”

“They quintupled mine,” Pinkie Pie added, her normally effervescent complexion strangely absent.

“Quadrupled? Quintupled?” Even for a Canterlot filly, this was an extreme state of affairs. “Why?”

Mr. Cake shrugged, resigned to his fate. “No idea. I reckon it’s something to do with the Heart’s Desire. But I certainly didn’t wish for this!”

“Twilight,” the party pony whimpered, “Do you have any idea what’s going on? Can you help us?”

“No, Pinkie, I don’t,” the magical unicorn muttered. “But I’m going to do my darnedest.”

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

“Mayor!” the magical unicorn entered into the room worriedly. “What’s happening to Ponyville?”

“Ah, Ms. Sparkle,” the gray-maned pony gestured towards the chair next to her. “You understand that the Heart’s Desire has generated a lot of excitement around Equestria.”

The magical pony nodded, declining the offer. “Yes.”

“So,” Bit Coin interjected, “’Magical flower, can grant your deepest wishes’ – I'd definitely want to see that!”

“Ah.”

“So,” the chestnut mare continued, “a flood of visitors will be here this season. Obviously, Ponyville needs to adjust to that.”

The purple pony narrowed her eyes. “’Adjustment’ doesn’t even come close to describing it,” she rebuked the bureaucrat. “Half the shops in Mane Street are closing down!”

Twilight swore she heard Mayor Mare’s jaw collide with the floor. “H-HALF?” she stammered in disbelief. In a panic, she turned to the financial expert. “Ms. C-Coin, explain this!”

Caught unawares, the chestnut pony was at a loss for words. She could only flip open her ledger and begin riffling like a maniac. “I-I can explain…!” she stuttered, before abruptly stopping mid-riffle.

“Well?” the gray-maned pony demanded, cold sweat forming on her brow.

The Finance Secretary had recovered. “Oh, it’s nothing, Mayor,” she commented, the smile returning to her visage. “It’s speculation. Just speculation.”

“Speculation?” the lavender pony repeated dumbly.

“Yes, speculation. Ponies know that Ponyville’s a gold mine this coming season. So they’ve bought up the land – at high prices, I’m guessing – in anticipation of increased value.”

Those words registered slightly with the Mayor: after all, she had studied economics. “So what does that have to do with Mane Street shutting down?” she harried her subordinate.

“Well, Mayor,” Bit Coin put her book aside. “Ponies are buying these properties because they think they can make a profit here, given higher rents from other businesses – you know, luxury shops, hotels, the like. I’m betting they’re trying to force the original occupants out.”

The magical pony almost choked at the revelation. “Force them out!” she exclaimed in distress. “And you're letting them do it?”

The bespectacled mare found herself swaying uneasily on the fence, buffeted by the debate raging in front of her. “I guess… ” She tried to commit to one side. “The speculators have gone a bit too far… ”

“Think about the stamp duty, Mayor, the stamp duty!” the chestnut pony hissed, casting furtive glances at her opponent. “We’re going to lose out on all that tax because of a few sentimental fillies?”

Twilight Sparkle returned the favor. “What about Sugarcube Corner? What about Quills and Sofas?” she protested. “They’re central to the community!”

“Mayor!” the Finance Secretary escalated. "You can’t seriously be considering this! What will the ponies say? Darn it, what will LegCo say?”

Mayor Mare was now made painfully aware of the tremendous stakes involved. “Erm… actually, I think the Finance Secretary’s arguments carry more weight, Ms. Sparkle. After all, there is ample space for the Mane Street shops to move to- ”

The purple mare wasn’t giving up without a fight. “This is Ponyville, Mayor! You’re supposed to be looking after their interests!” She was fast being reduced to throwing the kitchen sink, hoping for a chance strike. “Please, Mayor! You’ve already given up the Running of the Leaves; don’t you think that’s enough- ”

The Mayor twitched slightly. The reminder of that sad failure did little to induce her towards the conservationist position. “I’ve made up my mind, Ms. Sparkle. Ms. Coin’s policy stands.”

*

The Legislative Council Antechamber, Ponyville

A few dispossessed shopowners were unwilling to just roll over and die for the good of Ponyville.

“What do we even elect you ponies for!" An enraged protestor screamed. The sound of a cordon breaking as the failing shopowner lunged at the Councilor.

“Argh!” Lyra squealed as she bolted for safety. “Security! Security!”

*

The cyan pony emerged into the rotunda of the antechamber, pale and shivering from head to hoof.

Leader of the Equestrian Party Filly Buster had heard the commotion. “Guess those protestors are escalating fast, huh,” he commented dryly. “Oh, what pains we have to endure!”

Lyra Heartstrings paused a while to catch her breath. “They… should know… it’s for the good of Ponyville… ” she huffed.

“Indeed,” the silver-maned stallion was convinced of the righteousness of his case. “The extra allowance is nowhere near enough compensation for this!”

The cyan pony swallowed in an attempt to steady herself. “We need to throw the ponies a bone, Buster,” she declared at last. “We can’t give them the impression that they’re the only ones holding the bill.”

The white pony’s ears drooped at the news. “But I want that pay rise, Lyra!”

Even the cyan mare felt queasy at the stallion’s grasping attitude. “Buster, unless you find me another scapegoat, we can’t have- ”

“Hey, Councilors!” Twilight Sparkle abruptly poked her head between the two ponies. "How’re you doing?”

Filly Buster bristled at this unwelcome intrusion. “This is a private conversation, Ms. Sparkle.”

“I understand,” the magical pony apologized innocently. “But on behalf of the Government, I was wondering if you ponies had any idea how to help the Government combat these anti-Government protestors… ”

“The Government…” Something clicked in Lyra’s brain. “Wait, the Government! Filly, why don’t you come over and let’s discuss- ”

“Ooh!” Twilight jumped in the air enthusiastically. “Can I join?”

“None of your business, Twilight,” the cyan pony glared at the insolent unicorn.

“Aww!” Twilight whined as she skipped happily away.

*

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

Nothing could possibly wreck the rest of Bit Coin’s tenure. Ponyville, with her at the helm, was about to be swamped in a veritable tsunami of gold. And sure, as with any tidal wave, some ponies were going to get swept off the deck – but that was surely an acceptable sacrifice. Think of all the extra benefits the government could provide: free healthcare, free welfare, free bus fares… oh, and think of all the extra bureaucracy that would be created – all those officials, with you as their creator and leader! The mere thought alone was enough to send any magistrate into paroxysms of ecstasy-

“Ms. Coin! Bit!” Mayor Mare’s grim voice called the chestnut pony back to Equestria. A slim LegCo dossier was shoved into the chestnut mare’s hooves. “I need you to see this!”

Probably some pointless restriction, the young mare surmised. “I’m sure it’s nothing that a few bits won’t solve- ”

The look on the bespectacled mare’s face said otherwise. “Read it, Ms. Coin.”

“Right, Ma’am.” The bureaucrat cast her eyes downwards-

==AN ACT TO SELL TOWN HALL AND USE THE PROCEEDINGS TO-

“WHAT?!” Bit Coin thundered instinctively. “What the hay is this, Mayor!”

“You read that right,” the gray-maned pony sighed. “LegCo’s selling this place and converting it into a hotel.”

Bit Coin felt a terrific retch coming on. “B-but why, Mayor? Town Hall’s the best place for us to be!”

“Well, the land we’re on is very valuable, so- ”

“But we need this land!” The chestnut pony slammed her hooves indignantly on Mayor Mare’s desk. “We can’t attract the best talent if… “ The mare took in a deep breath. “ …well, where is LegCo planning to move us then?”

Her superior spoke deliberately and slowly, pronouncing every syllable. “Ponyville Retirement Village.”

Bit Coin’s world began to spin into oblivion.

“PONYVILLE RETIREMENT VILLAGE!” she screamed at the top of her voice, smashing her hooves down onto the desk once more. “W-w… I can’t… we c-can’t… nopony’s going into that dump!”

“Whoa there!” Mayor Mare jumped back at this overreaction. “Simmer down! I mean, we all have to make sacrifices- ”

“SACRIFICES!” Bit Coin’s forehooves were searing with pain; she could care less about that now. “This government is breaking its back day-in, day-out for Ponyville’s citizens, and our reward is relegation into the wilderness?!”

“Calm. Down. Ms. Coin!” the politician commanded.

The chestnut pony slid back down, fuming in utterly explicable anger. By Celestia, we’re the most powerful ponies in Ponyville: we sure as hay aren’t going to set up shop in the boonies!

She cleared her throat deliberately. “Ah. Sorry, Mayor. I was just... overcome with emotion. The land speculators have really gone too far in their bullying of Ponyvillians.”

“Okay- what?” the tan pony tweaked her ears. “You’re against land speculation now?”

The Finance Secretary nodded seriously. “I think having half of Mane Street go out of business is an unacceptable price to pay for any economic benefit.”

“But... you said... ” the Mayor gave up. “Alright. So what do we do?”

*

The Town Hall Atrium, Ponyville

Ponyville Botanical Expedition team scientist Flower Power sidled up to the Finance Secretary. “Long time no seed, Bit,” she joked. “Nice farewell party you organized here.”

“Oh, Flo,” the chestnut mare chuckled. “I haven’t seen you for so long! And plus, you’re going to help us so much here!”

“That I have,” the scientist couldn’t resist whipping out a few photographs of the fuchsia flower. “Can you believe how beautiful this flower is? The petals, the stamen… no wonder everypony is going bananas for this thing!”

“Of course, of course,” the Finance Secretary began. “Well, hopefully not literally bananas.”

Her university mate raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Well… you know… the Cutie Pox.”

“Oh!” Flower Power shook her head. “The Heart's Desire's got no link to Cutie Pox at all.”

The bureaucrat responded with a raised eyebrow. “And you figured that out in only a week?”

The scientist lowered her head in thought. “We might need more testing,” she admitted at long last.

Right where I want her to be. “Good. Do all the testing you need to,” Bit Coin concluded. “And perhaps you should inform the press about that? We certainly don’t want any, uh , unnecessary disturbances in Ponyville.”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) The fate of most touristy cities - land speculation, high rents and the destruction of local industries. An example is that of Hong Kong. 2) Tendency of bureaucracies to site their offices on highly valuable land (e.g. city centers), mainly for prestige rather than economic reasons.]

S2E7: May the Best Pet Win

Season 2 Episode 7 – May the Best Pet Win

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

The Agenda

1. Dealing with Complaints. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

Mayor Mare looked up inquisitively at Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon. She had only one word in mind.

“Why?” the tan mare wondered, perplexed.

The bureaucrat was caught off-guard. “What do you mean, why?”

“We get complaints all the time, Mr. Ribbon.”

“Ah.” The official shook his head. “This time it’s different, Ma’am.”

“How so?”

The aging stallion dropped under the table horizon. “Well, Ma’am,” he strained as he hauled a thick dossier of paper onto the desk. “Volume.”

The tan mare gawped in awe at the mountain of foolscap in front of her, her voice temporarily stolen.

“Apparently, there was supposed to be a carnival at the Ponyville Athletic Park yesterday,” the Secretary for Administration explained. “But the grounds were apparently double-booked. By that I mean that somepony took it over for her own use.”

The politician snorted in disbelief. “And who was that inconsiderate?”

Crimson Ribbon took a deep breath. “Well, it was… ”

*

“Ms. Dash,” the gray-maned mare was deadly serious. “You better have a good explanation for doing this.”

Ponyville’s weathermare squirmed uneasily in her seat, trying to remember her alibi. “You know about my plan to improve the Weather Service, right? You do? Well, I was just doing some tests with a few flying animals, and we just overran a little.”

Silence from her boss.

The ace pegasus rolled her eyes. “Okay, we overran a lot.”

Still more silence.

Rainbow Dash folded her forelegs. “It’s not my fault the other ponies outside were so impatient!”

A moment’s pause before Mayor Mare sighed. “Ms. Dash, I don’t see how anypony– pegasus or otherwise – needs to pass an obstacle course in order to help the team manage weather.”

“Uhh… ” the cyan pegasus looked at the ceiling for inspiration. “You know, they might have to dodge trees and buildings in the, uh, sky!“ Her complexion and visage betrayed her. “I mean, you know they have to carry the fog from the ground up into the air to, uh, make the clouds! Yes, that’s a new way of making clouds now… ”

Not even the best liar could have managed that blatant untruth. The bespectacled earth pony sighed. “Ms. Dash, please give me the real story.”

“That is the real story!” the pegasus flailed her arms about in a bid to seem more convincing. “I swear!”

“Ms. Dash,” the Mayor chose her words carefully. “Don’t dig yourself into a bigger hole.”

“Mayor, I promise that’s the real story!” Rainbow Dash stuck to her guns, fearing the unknown more than her eminently sorry lie. “You gotta believe me, Mayor; you gotta!”

*

Ultimately, perhaps it was for the best that Rainbow Dash stuck to her guns; for Mayor Mare’s room for maneuver turned out to be rather limited.

“The Legislative Council recommends, once weathermare Rainbow Dash is found guilty of misfeasance, that the Mayor take immediate steps to dismiss her from the Civil Service.”

The tan pony put down the Legislative Council’s recommendations, unsure of what to think about the whole affair. On one hand, this was bordering on the unconstitutional – clearly, it was the purview of the executive to hire and fire. On the other hand, Lyra and her ilk were undoubtedly under a lot of pressure to do something, and Rainbow Dash was clearly in the wrong here.

“P-p-please, Mayor… ” the shaky voice of the prismatic mare, a world away from her bluster the day before, dragged the politician out of her thoughts.

The bespectacled mare turned to the task in front of her. Rainbow Dash’s eyes were fast tearing up as she faced her doom, a scene Mayor Mare had never thought physically possible. She put her trembling hooves together with a desperate earnestness. “I… I’ll never do this again! Please!”

Mayor Mare couldn’t resist rubbing it in. “I told you not to dig yourself further into this hole,” she mentioned triumphantly.

“Alright, alright!” the pegasus’ voice cracked under the fear and stress. “I overran because I did a competition to find the perfect pet! I’m sorry! I’ll never, ever do it again, Mayor! Please, Mayor, help me!”

The gray-maned mare, hoof on head, closed her eyes and nodded sagely all the while. It was pointless to ask her now: the time for sweeping the whole thing under the rug ended when Lyra sent that recommendation. Mayor Mare wasn’t so charitable as to lay down her own career for the weathermare’s sake.

At long last, she opened her mouth. “Ms. Dash… ”

She didn’t need her eyes to feel the pegasus suddenly spring into an anticipatory light. “Oh, Mayor! Please, I’ll do anything for this job! I’ll do half a year free! I’ll take a permanent pay cut! I’ll- “

Best not excite her further. “Go home.”

All the heat drained out of the weathermare in a second. “M-mayor… “ she breathed, gulping and swallowing in a vain attempt to drive her tears away.

But there was nothing that the Mayor could do for Rainbow Dash. “Go home, Ms. Dash. You’re dismissed.”

*

Mayor Mare assumed that her firing of Rainbow Dash was the end of things. She was wrong.

The tan pony groaned again as the duo gingerly took their seats in front of her. As was to be expected, Rainbow Dash had had a bad night. Her mane was ruffled, there were bags under her eyes, and her expression was limp and gaunt. Twilight Sparkle, caught between the need to teach her friend a lesson and the need to cheer her up, shuffled around uneasily. Mayor Mare was a bit ruffled to see the lavender mare siding with the enemy, though she grudgingly recognized it as a noble and reasonable thing to do.

The politician started off by dispelling all illusions. “I can do nothing for both of you. Ms. Dash is clearly at fault here- “

“No I’m not,” the prismatic mare interrupted, voice regaining its normal strength, eyes glaring fiercely at her ex-boss.

A terse pause. “You admitted it yester- “

“Well… no. I didn’t,” Rainbow Dash started.

Mayor Mare narrowed her eyes.

“I was out of my mind. I said stupid things.” The pegasus was trying very hard to keep eye contact.

The tan pony tried to trick her subject into submission. “Stupid but true- “

“No,” the prismatic mare cut her off. “Stupid and untrue.”

Another terse pause at both ponies faced each other across the desk.

“Ms. Dash,” the bespectacled mare played her last card. “If you want to fight this through the courts, you’re just going to end up losing even more.”

Twilight meekly turned to her friend, silently demanding re-confirmation of the pegasus’ mettle.

Rainbow Dash took a deep breath. “Yes, Mayor,” she threw down the gauntlet. “I’m going to reverse what you did to me, and put myself back in as Ponyville’s weathermare!”

The gray-maned mare was unmoved. “We’ll await your letter, Ms. Dash.”

The Mayor didn’t bother bidding them farewell as the cyan pegasus marched, head held high, out of the room. Twilight Sparkle was more circumspect, turning worriedly back at the door. “I hope you don’t think I’m being disloyal, Mayor,” she commented.

The tan pony flashed a small smile. “It’s fine, Ms. Sparkle. I understand.”

Of course, with such powerful backing in the form of Her Highness, Twilight could have been as disloyal as she dared be, without suffering the slightest consequence.

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

“What I don’t understand,” Mayor Mare remarked as she reviewed Rainbow Dash’s file in front of her, “is why Ms. Dash is making such a suicidal move. Surely she knows that she’s in the wrong.”

Crimson Ribbon shrugged nonchalantly. “Her Highness?”

“Doubtful.” The mare surveyed recent pictures of the Athletic Park, proving beyond a doubt that Rainbow Dash had indeed used the grounds for some animal-related competition. “Her Highness is paranoid about this stuff. You know, favoritism.”

“Maybe they thought it was worth a try. Haven’t seen the two in Ponyville these past few days.”

The tan pony lowered her head in contemplation. “That’s not how Ms. Sparkle thinks, Mr. Ribbon. She must have thought of something.”

The bureaucrat leant back in his chair, folding his forelegs as he joined Mayor Mare in thought. “Well, no point in thinking about it,” he concluded fruitlessly after a while. “Might as well think about presenting the best possible case.”

“I guess.” The politician reached over for a nearby phone. “We’ll just get Linkneighers, as usual.”

Crimson Ribbon punched in the number. The speakerphone came to life, beeping with a monotonous regularity. At least no muzak, the politician thought approvingly.

The line cleared up. “Linkneighers speaking, how may I help you?” the receptionist intoned, feeling anything but cheerful.

“It’s the Ponyville Government. We’d like to talk to a partner, please.”

“One moment.”

The resurgent beeping was rudely halted before it had even completed one cycle. “Ah, Mayor Mare,” a voice on the other end of the line answered. “How can I help you today?”

“Right. We have a pending case regarding alleged unfair dismissal by- ”

“ -Ms. Rainbow Dash?”

Crimson Ribbon’s heart skipped a beat.

“Uh… yes,” Mayor Mare unwillingly started at the unusually prompt information. “So we were wondering… ”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Mayor,” the voice on the other end apologized immediately. “I’m afraid we have to decline. Conflict of interest- “

“You’re representing them?!” No way does Twilight Sparkle have that much cash!

“Oh, no no, Mayor,” the partner reassured. “But we were, uh, brought to a dinner with them. Thus the conflict of interest, you see.”

“Just great,” the bespectacled mare groaned. “Who else was there?”

“Well, let me see… ” A brief pause. “Most of the Canterlot, Manehattan and Baltimare law firms, I guess. You know Celestia. She doesn’t like to show favoritism.”

The guttural groan emerging from Mayor Mare’s throat was the only response the politician could muster.

*

The Legislative Council Committee Room, Ponyville

--- SELECT COMMITTEE ON DISCIPLINARY PROCEEDINGS CONCERNING THE WEATHER DEPARTMENT ---

Committee Chairman Filly Buster was, predictably, not amused. “We clearly recommended the correct course of action to you, Mayor,” he grinned in anticipation. “And that was to fire Ms. Rainbow Dash from her position, after she had abused said position to the detriment of Ponyvillians.”

Mayor Mare sighed and nodded some more. She, sure as Tartaros, wasn’t going to buy tomorrow’s copy of the Express. “Yes, Committee Chairman.”

“And instead of that,” Councilor Lyra Heartstrings chimed in, “you’ve decided to revoke all disciplinary action on Ms. Dash and restate her to her original position of weathermare. Is that correct?”

The tan pony ground her teeth in impotent frustration. “Yes.”

“But Mayor,” Councilor Sparkle tried her best to limit the damage she had wrought on the administration. “If I read your opening statement correctly, this was because you couldn’t find any lawyers to represent the Ponyville Government in court, is that correct?”

“Indeed. They all cited a conflict of interest.” The magical pony was going to have to try harder if she was to placate her political mentor.

“But surely that’s incompetence on your part.” The white stallion saw his opening. “Any government would have had an attorney-general on hoof for these things.”

Mayor Mare rolled her eyes. “If I recall, the Council rejected our request for fund- “

“Don’t blame the Council for everything, Mayor,” the lime-green pony snapped. “You need to take the initiative on these things.”

The bespectacled mare’s jaw slackened at Lyra’s brazen illogic. “But we did take the initi- “

Rap, rap as the gavel came down on wood. Councilor Buster’s mind had already been made up before the panel assembled. “Alright, I think we’ve had enough questions. Mayor,” he proclaimed, his hungry eyes flashing at his prey, “your failure to procure Ms. Dash’s dismissal has set a very bad precedent for the Civil Service. This is clear and utter incompetence on your part. I recommend declaring the Mayor ‘incompetent’ under the terms of the Insanity and Incompetency Act 323.”

Electricity coursed through the turgid atmosphere. The crowd began to murmur. Everypony knew what incompetency meant. It meant censure and dismissal. It wasn’t a secret that Mr. Buster had been finding a way to do just that.

The Mayor finally let a crumb of a thought eke its way into her brain. Here we go again-

“Under the terms of the Insanity and Incompetency Act,” Filly Buster continued, his heartbeat pacing faster and faster every second, “a simple majority is required to have an official declared ‘incompetent’, and therefore unfit for service.”

Another murmur. The aging stallion smiled evilly. Now, he was definitely going to become Mayor. He didn’t need Lyra’s votes any more to secure the Mayor’s impeachment.

Lyra saw immediately that the political winds had turned. No point in fighting a futile battle any more. “I agree wholly with the Chairman,” she declaimed. “The Mayor should be declared unfit for service!”

Councilor Sparkle realized what she had done. She anxiously tried to repair the damage. “Councilor!” she exclaimed. “Surely, given the circumstances, Mayor Mare did all she- “

Rap. “Committee dismissed,” Filly Buster overrode the bookish mare’s arguments. “We therefore recommend censuring Mayor Mare for incompetency. In two weeks, we shall submit our recommendations to the Council for the first reading.”

Much too early for her liking, Mayor Mare stared once more into the political abyss.

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) Intense pressure on the legislature to dismiss unpopular cabinet members, even if it's not actually a constitutional right (at least, not in the US). 2) What rich people (at least, in Hong Kong) do to win lawsuits: literally employ hundreds of lawyers, for a comparatively paltry sum, as 'retainers' and thus generate conflicts of interests that remove said lawyers from the picture. Works best against government. 3) The Framers expressedly chose to limit Congress' powers of impeachment to criminal acts, rather than incompetence. However, it is not impossible to imagine that a legislature can 'create' ways to remove insane or incompetent members of the executive (such as through the mechanism of 'censure'.)]

S2E8: The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Season 2 Episode 8 – The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

The Agenda

1. Getting Funding for Health and Safety. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

Unhappy Finance Secretary Bit Coin scrunched up the paper and tossed it into a bin. Too soon, she was once again meeting with her dearest and nearest friend, Councilor Lyra Heartstrings.

“Why are you doing this?!” the chestnut pony whined. “You know we need the funds for basic maintenance! The safety magic wears out fast on those things!”

The semi-opposition leader nonchalantly slurped on another milkshake. “You will get the funds, Bit. Just wait a week or so.”

“I won't be in Finance then!” the bureaucrat exclaimed, leaning across the table in mental agony. “They’ll never let me stay on; not with all these accidents!”

“Bit, Bit!” the lime-green pony soothed. “You know those accidents are there to do the Mayor in for incompetence.”

“But I’m the collateral damage!” Bit Coin gestured wildly, scrambling around for some middle ground. “Isn’t there something you can do to her that doesn't affect me? I swear, just one slight push and you’ll- “

Lyra groaned impatiently. “Bit, if you think you’re getting shrapnel, somepony else is getting blasted to the Moon.”

“Oh?” The bureaucrat couldn't believe her luck. She fell back, storm clouds retreating in the face of this unexpected revelation. “Who’s that?”

Her totally-best-friend smiled. “Filly has old – well, pretty recent – accounts to settle, Ms. Coin.”

*

Ponyville Observatory, Ponyville

“Rainbow! Rainbow!” Twilight, huffing ever louder by the minute, clambered up the spiral steps of Ponyville’s windmill. Physical exertion was never her strong suit.

At least she was moving within earshot. “Twilight?” the cyan pegasus’ voice resonated throughout the cylindrical structure, followed quickly by the weathermare’s appearance at the top of the stairwell. “What’s up?”

The purple unicorn halted, taking a few seconds to catch her breath. “Government… charging you… affray… ” she puffed, tongue lolling out in an abject attempt to cool herself down. “They’re… they’re... “

“What!” While Twilight’s legalese was something beyond her understanding, Rainbow Dash was so sure this time she hadn’t done anything wrong. “They can’t fire me! They've got no lawyers!”

“Grrr…!” the bookish mare’s overheating brain was in no mood for dallying. “It... won't... work!” she barked before relapsing back into frantic gasps, leaning against the wall for some additional support. Affray – fighting in public – was serious enough to warrant trial by jury. While such trials were often more reluctant to convict, everypony in Ponyville had seen Rainbow Dash fight onstage. Which was obviously why the government chose to charge her with that.

Rainbow Dash’s furrows deepened. Was Twilight talking about that incident at the Mare-Do-Well parade? Surely it wasn’t that big a deal – and her friends had forgiven her!

But Twilight wouldn't lie. “What do I have to do, then?”

The lavender unicorn steadied herself with a few deep heaves, looking at her friend square in the eye. “Rainbow Dash... how much do you trust me?”

The answer was obvious. Twilight always meant well. “One hundred percent.”

The Mayor’s protégé gulped. “Then come with me to the police station.”

*

Cutie Mark Crusaders Clubhouse, Ponyville

The second General Meeting of the Rainbow Dash (and Mare Do Well) Fan Club was a sorry affair.

“I can’t believe it!” a depressed Scootaloo moped at the nearly-empty room. “Rainbow Dash: a bad pony?”

“Well, Applejack says she did somethin’ wrong,” Apple Bloom answered, staring forlornly at posters of the winged idol. “But that she shouldn’t be locked up in prison.”

Scootaloo could only respond with a tragic sniff. “And nopony’s seen Mare Do Well for ages- “

“Girls!” A sudden voice at the door alerted the Crusaders to the presence of intruders. “Girls! It’s Twilight!”

“Twilight?” Sweetie Belle opened the door. “Oh and Applejack too! What- ”

The lavender unicorn minced no words as she entered. “Girls, we really, really need your help now to save Rainbow Dash.”

“She’s being locked up by bad ponies,” the orange pony chimed in.

Apple Bloom raised a suspicious eyebrow. “Didn't you say that Rainbow Dash did something bad too?”

“Well yes I did. But these ponies are badder… I mean, worse,” the country mare corrected herself, cognizant of Twilight’s hypersensitivity to grammar.

Scootaloo threw her front hooves up in the air. “But how are we supposed to help Rainbow Dash?” she exclaimed. “The guards have got sticks and spears and all sorts of painful things!”

The magical unicorn smiled and shrugged. “You know, you might just get your Cutie Marks- “

“YAY!” The three fillies connected the dots easily enough. “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER SOCIAL ACTIVISTS!”

“Good… wha- ?” Applejack’s mind skidded to an abrupt halt. “Social activists? Where’d y’all learn that fancy language?”

“Well… ” the blush on Apple Bloom’s cheeks shone through her olive coat. “Y-you know what, we really ought to prepare!” And zing! The three fillies dashed off in a cloud of dust.

"Late-night news, no doubt," Applejack chuckled to her friend. “Oh, she’ll get a grounding for that.”

*

Market Square, Ponyville

“Come on,” Cheerilee groused, increasingly feeling the appeal of shutting her mom up in a lunatic asylum. “You’re always like this when some crisis happens. I hate it.”

The tan pony wheezed angrily. “You don’t seem to understand that this is my career, Cheerie.”

The silent pause of a slightly-insulted schoolteacher. “I know that. But that doesn't mean you can just go around being dep- “

“Excuse me, Mayor!” Sweetie Belle’s voice barged insolently into the budding argument. “Oh! Ms. Cheerilee – you’re here too! Perfect!”

“Sweetie Belle?” The cerise pony forced out a smile. “How nice to see- “

Her words were cut short as a small leaflet was forced into her hooves. “Mayor, Ms. Cheerilee, we really need your help in getting Rainbow Dash out of jail!” the young filly exclaimed earnestly.

“She’s not in prison, Ms… Belle,” Mayor Mare clarified as she glanced at the own little piece of writing. WHY ARE WE PUTTING AN EQUESTRIAN HERO IN JAIL, it demanded. “Ms. Dash is just getting detained for questioning. They’re totally different- “

“They’re the SAME!” the juvenile unicorn insisted. “How can you possibly repay Rainbow Dash like this! She saved all of our lives!“

The bespectacled mare put down the leaflet and looked at the youngster, preparing to address- oh, Celestia: those eyes! Those wide, trembling, begging eyes… oh my stars… I can’t… I can’t make her cry…!

Moreover, Market Square was fast grinding to a halt, save for the enthusiastic evangelizing of the Crusaders. The gaze of a hundred eyes were upon the Mayor. There was no getting out of it now.

The politician tried to wriggle. “Ms. Belle,” she began. “Ms. Dash did break the law- “

“Oh, I can’t believe this!” the unicorn stomped the ground in a tantrum. “How can you do this to Rainbow Dash! You terrible, horrible... meanie!” And with that, she-

No! No! Stop! The politician looked anxiously around as Sweetie Belle burst into a veritable flood of tears. The onlookers were decidedly on the side of the little filly, shaking and tut-tutting at the tan mare’s decided lack of compassion. Even Cheerie was drifting away.

“Ms. Cheerileeee!” the tear-drenched juvenile now bawled at her teacher. “You taught us that good ponies always receive good things in return!”

“Uh… yes. Yes I did,” the schoolteacher quickly acknowledged, hoping and praying to Celestia she possessed enough diplomatic acumen for this.

The unicorn quickly grabbed her foreleg and unleashed The Gaze at her mentor. “Well… ” she sniffed a few times to amplify the effect, “i-isn’t R-rainbow Dash good enough t-to expect something n-nice in re-return?”

To Tartaros with the law, Cheerilee heard her brain advise. “Oh, of course she is,” she concurred gingerly. “Rainbow Dash has done so much... ”

“Yay!” Sweetie Belle suddenly leapt up in joy, prompting Scootaloo and Apple Bloom to rush in as well. Their expressions of happiness were mirrored in the crowd, who began cheering and stomping at the happy resolution.

Scootaloo turned and addressed the congregation, size no obstacle to her sonority. “You see? All nice ponies – like Ms. Cheerilee – agree that Rainbow Dash shouldn’t be in jail! Only heartless and evil ponies want to see her punished!”

A murmur of assent throughout the crowd, inexplicably hanging on to this orange pegasus’ every word.

“I know we’re just fillies,” Apple Bloom piped up, “but please, please help us free Rainbow Dash, like she helped free us from Discord!”

“Whoo!” the crowd stomped their approval on Market Square. “Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash!”

Mayor Mare shot Cheerilee a dirty look. A tedious conversation about Sticking With Your Mom was in order.

*

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

How loud was Scootaloo’s voice? “…our entire class has occupied Market Square for an entire morning now! We’re so thirsty and tired! Why is the Government being so cruel to us young schoolfillies!”

Legislative Council Majority Leader Filly Buster slammed the window shut and turned angrily towards Mayor Mare. He demanded answers.

The bespectacled pony could only shrug. “In many ways, my control over Cheerilee has been grossly exaggerated.”

“Well, do something about it then!” the white stallion slammed his hooves grumpily on the desk. “I can’t believe you let them paralyze Market Square again!”

“At least the citizens are alright with it this time,” Lyra commented nonchalantly. “Funny how a couple of kids changes everything- “

“I. Want. Them. OUT!” the aging stallion brought his hooves down again onto the fine wood. “Do something, anything! I will get rid of Rainbow Dash!”

His temper was not the only one that was fraying. “What do you expect us to do, Mr. Buster?” the bespectacled mare lashed out. “Fire water cannons? Unleash the riot police?”

“You did it last time!” Filly Buster retorted.

Now it was Mayor Mare who was slamming her hooves on the desk. “They are FILLIES, Mr. Buster!” she yelled in exasperation. “THEY. ARE. FILLIES!”

The two locked their eyes together in a deadly stalemate.

The gray-maned mare sat back down once tensions had cooled. She was willing to compromise in the hope of a few brownie points.“Look, Mr. Buster,” she proposed hoarsely. “We can’t get rid of them, but we can lessen their impact. If we redesignate another place for economic act- “

“No we can’t,” Lyra interrupted.

Silence as Filly Buster jerked his head towards his erstwhile political partner. “What are you doing, Lyra?” he scolded.

“We can’t re-designate areas willy-nilly, Mr. Buster,” the lime-green pony retorted calmly. “We need to follow procedure. We are, after all, legislators.”

“Actually,” Mayor Mare tried to correct her maverick opponent. “Under the Emergency Act- “

“The Emergency Act contains no such provision, Mayor,” the unicorn turned towards the bespectacled mare, flashing a glare that clearly told the latter to shut up.

The tan pony leant back in her chair in mock contemplation, figuring out that Lyra probably had a greater sense for political vulnerability than she did. No point in helping the stallion any further. “You’re right, Lyra,” the Mayor said at last. “I was wrong. Apologies.”

“Hmph.” Filly Buster fell back and attempted to reconsolidate his position. “Where’s Ms. Sparkle, anyway?”

*

Market Square, Ponyville

Scootaloo’s expression was one of confusion, just as Twilight feared. “What’s the Mayor got to do with this?” she asked suspiciously. “She didn’t even support Rainbow Dash when we asked her to.”

Oh, Mayor, why do you have to make things so difficult? “Scootaloo,” the magical mare cooed, “I did suggest this idea to you fillies… ”

“I guess,” Scootaloo admitted with some guilt. “But still, we don’t know anything about Mayor Mare’s problem. How are we supposed to persuade the ponies?”

The lavender pony chuckled and resisted the urge to pat the social activist on her head. “Oh, Scootaloo,” she explained. “If Mayor Mare goes, that evil and heartless Mr. Buster will become Mayor. And then- “

The orange pegasus wasn’t an idiot. “Oh,” she responded, enlightened. “Yeah. I get it.”

“So.” The unicorn extended her hoof. “You’ll tell LegCo to keep the Mayor in Town Hall. Deal?”

The pegasus bumped it. “Deal.”

*

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

Lyra Heartstrings had never shied away from defection when it suited her. Today was no exception.

“No, Mr. Buster,” she firmly articulated her position down the phone. “Nopony is going to follow you down this path to oblivion. You have been way too vengeful on an Equestrian heroine… No, Mr. Buster; we’re letting her go… They’re not leaving Market Square if you pass that Incompetency Bill either… Frankly, if you’re going to be like this, then I’d rather Mayor Mare stay on… Fine. Bye.”

The receiver struck down with a clang. “There, Mayor. I deliver what I promise.” the lime-green pony stated, no hint of parody in her voice.

Mayor Mare’s shoulders felt much, much lighter. She couldn't care less how Lyra justified it. “Thank you, Councilor Heartstrings.”

Lyra narrowed her eyes. “You owe me big, Mayor. I haven’t even cashed in my chips from the previous time I saved your flank.”

The gray-maned mare nodded blissfully. “There will be rewards, Councilor,” she muttered. “There will be rewards.”

“Alright,” Lyra pushed herself out of the chair. “Time to make an appearance in Market Square, then. Have a nice day.”

Twilight Sparkle waited until the door had shut before opening her mouth. “I hope you understand, Mayor,” she whispered in trepidation. “It was the only way.”

“That’s alright, Ms. Sparkle.” The tan pony wasn’t about to let unhappy memories intrude into her paradise. “All is forgiven.”

The magical pony fidgeted a bit more, unsure whether the amnesty was genuine. “If it means anything to you, Mayor,” she added, “I learnt it all from you.”

The Mayor closed her eyes and leant back into her chair. “I’m honored, Ms. Sparkle. I'm honored.”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Selective prosecution (e.g. charging people with a minor crime that results in the trial being presided over by a judge and not a jury, the latter having lower rates of conviction. An example would be charging drug smugglers with possession of drugs, rather than drug trafficking.) 2) This episode was based off the debate over National Education in 2012 Hong Kong, where a group of teenagers (and 100,000 protestors) occupied government headquarters and forced a retraction of an alleged 'brainwashing' curriculum. 3) Leaders of minor parties are incentivized to switch stances frequently due to their strategic position - a fact that has bedeviled many coalition governments.]

S2E9: Sweet and Elite

Season 2 Episode 9 – Sweet and Elite

Mane Street, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Make Ponyville gain benefit from Ms. Rarity’s Canterlot fame. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

Mayor Mare glanced furtively around her bustling surroundings, making sure nopony around was spying on her plans. Especially not a certain somepony.

“Mayor!” Lyra Heartstrings trotted up to the bespectacled mare. “So nice of you to let me join your greeting session!”

“So nice of you to come as well,” the tan pony lied, scrunching up her piece of paper. “Shows to Ponyville that we’re a unified governing body, you know.”

“Of course,” the semi-opposition leader nodded deviously. “And we’ll prove it to them once again today, by joining together in praise of our very own fashionista!”

“We will, Ms. Heartstrings; we will,” the Mayor agreed as she tossed the paper ball into a nearby bin.

*

Carousel Boutique, Ponyville

A brief respite from Rarity’s unending squeals of delight these days, as she firmly warded off yet another dress-related offer.

“ …no, Mr. Rich… I assure you, I will be able to make all the dresses without your help… well you see, they are very simple dresses… barely need a minute to assemble… I do know that, Mr. Rich, but material prices were never that high to begin with… apologies again, Mr. Rich, I do hope you understand!... Thank you, Mr. Rich. Goodbye.”

The fashionista put down the receiver, yet another wave of glee surging over her as she did so. Oh, to think that so many ponies now knew her name! Oh, to think that so many ponies were now angling for her custom! She couldn’t help but giggle like a little schoolfilly at the thought...

A knock on the door wrested the white unicorn out of her fantasies. “Who’s the-ere?” she warbled, dancing towards the door in anticipation of her newest guest.

They weren’t fashion ponies, but Mayor Mare and Lyra Heartstrings were hardly inappropriate guests for this festive occasion. “Oh, welcome, welcome!” Rarity hastily ushered them into a nearby settee. “What an honor to receive the both of you!”

“No no!” the bespectacled mare got in the first response. “How honored I am to be able to greet you! Ms. Rarity, you surely have done Ponyville proud again!”

“Indeed, Rarity!” Lyra Heartstrings cast a slightly irked look at her political companion. “Never before has the Legislative Council been so happy for one of its citizens!”

The fashionista’s face blushed red with the praise. “Oh, it was just a simple yellow dress… it was hardly worth such praise… ”

“But it really does!” Mayor Mare exclaimed, trotting over to the mannequin where a copy of Twilight’s birthday dress hung. “Look at it! It’s so… so…!” Words failed the tan pony, though probably because of her sparse fashion vocabulary than to any aesthetic appreciation on her part.

The lime-green pony saw her chance, magically draping the fabric over her own figure without asking. “Oh, it’s so soft and lovely!” she swooned with emotion. “It’s perfect in every way! Rarity, you certainly have made a masterpiece here! I’m definitely ordering one!”

The gray-maned mare decided to up the stakes. “I’ll be ordering two, Ms. Rarity! And I think this calls for a special Awards Ceremony in Market Square!”

Lyra wasn’t willing to back down either. “Actually, Rarity, we at LegCo think having a fashion week dedicated to you would be the best token of our- “

Rarity chuckled knowingly. “Oh, Mesdames, I do very much appreciate what you plan to do for me,” she began. “But, really, the real prize is the knowledge that I’ve helped put Ponyville firmly on the map of Equestrian fashion. The prestige, the income, the tourists… ”

Both the political ponies nodded sagely. “Very true, Ms. Rarity.”

The fashionista continued to recite her speech. “ …and really, that is the only reward I need.”

“Oh,” Mayor Mare gasped admiringly. “How humble you are, Ms. Rarity!”

“So humble!” Lyra chimed in. “And so generous!”

Rarity smiled silently in response. “Thank you, Mesdames,” she curtsied.

“No, thank you, Ms. Rarity,” the Mayor replied.

“Thank you so much, Rarity,” Lyra Heartstrings added.

The fashionista managed to stifle all but the slightest of giggles. I must make a mental note, she thought, to make Twilight my future Public Relations pony.

*

Fancy Pants Stores Headquarters, Canterlot

Less jovial was the concurrent atmosphere at Fancy Pants Headquarters (ESEY: FPS).

Vice-President of Marketing Ad Sense rushed into the cavernous Chairman’s Room. “Mr. Chairman! Mr. Pants!” he strode in hurriedly while waving a piece of paper. “The results from the focus group!”

“So it is,” the aristocratic stallion quipped as he donned his monocle and received the thin sheet of writing. “Now, you know I am most interested as to what they said about the name of Ms. Rarity's new product line.”

Ad Sense shook his head. “As I predicted, the group thought that ‘Ponyville Designs’ reminded them too much of our backwoods neighbor.”

“I see.” Fancy Pants sighed. “Ah well. Guess the weekend’s golf is on me, then.”

“If you wish, Mr. Chairman.”

“It is ungentlecoltly to break an agreed-to bond, Mr. Sense,” the blue-maned unicorn declared, reclining back in his seat without bothering to read the rest of the report. “In any case: we need to discuss alternatives.”

“Yes. I still believe ‘Canterlot Designs’ strikes the right chord, Mr. Chairman.”

Fancy Pants closed his eyes in contemplation. “But Ms. Rarity, if I recall- “

“Well,” Ad Sense winked. “Ms. Rarity did create the initial designs here in Canterlot.”

A little frown from the boss of Fancy Pants Stores. “So she did,” he concurred at last. “And I dare not disagree with your opinion once again. ‘Canterlot Designs’ it is: do prepare the application to the Trademark Office.”

*

Filthy Rich Industries Headquarters, Ponyville

Filthy Rich was still very much in a big sulk. On the one hand, his super-ego was trying its best to reassure him that Rarity’s response didn’t matter much, that he still had plenty of contracts to keep him busy for the rest of the season, that he was in no danger of even underperforming compared with last year’s results.

On the other hand, however, his id was raging and spitting near-unmentionable bile at the fashion pony. How dare that unicorn reject his offer! How dare she decline his help! Did she not know how rare it was for Filthy Rich Industries (ESEY: FRI) to offer somepony their services? Was she so arrogant as to think that her friendship with Twilight Sparkle would save her from his wrath? Was she-

Riing!

Filthy Rich picked up the phone. “Yes?” he greeted gruffly.

“Oh, Mr. Rich!” a timid voice responded from the other side of the line. “Musk Raker here? Editor of the Express- “

“I know.” Of course the industrial magnate knew who Ms. Raker was – he owned the Express, after all. “What?”

“Well,” the editor continued sheepishly. “You wanted updates on Mr. Fancy Pants, right?”

“Cut the chit-chat and let’s get to the point.”

“Yes, Mr. Rich. Anyway, the Trademark Office has just confirmed that FPS’ve submitted a name for a new product line based on Ms. Rarity’s work: ‘Canterlot Designs’.”

The rotund boss frowned. “’Canterlot Designs’? But surely they know where Rarity’s fr- “

The frown turned upside down in an instant. Heh, let’s give her a taste of my power. “Ms. Raker?”

“Yes, Mr. Pants.”

“Take a note. I want something like this to be the Express’ headlines for a week.”

The pause of a resigned newspony wondering why she ever got into the business. “As you wish, Mr. Rich- “

“Actually, stay on the line a while,” Filthy Rich commanded as he took out his cell and began pressing relevant numbers. “First, I need a talk with some LegCo members.”

*

Legislative Council Meeting Room, Ponyville

The Express’ headline was largely the same as it had been these past few days: FANCY PANTS STORES INSULTS ALL PONYVILLIANS YET AGAIN, it roared in belligerent indignation.

Mayor Mare exhaled long and loud as she put down the broadsheet. “Well, I can’t say I’m complaining,” she admitted to the room. “After all, Ms. Rarity is clearly our dressmaker – and so, if anything, they should have called it ‘Ponyville Designs’. It's not like Canterlot needs the extra fame and cash.”

“E-xactly!” Lyra, even more animated than usual, knocked on the table to emphasize her point. “FPS here is being totally unjust and unfair!”

“But then again,” the tan pony commented, “I didn’t think LegCo would be so worked up over it… ”

“What!” the lime-green pony’s mouth gaped open in shock. “Of course we would! We’re the defenders of Ponyville’s honor here!”

Whatever, the bespectacled mare sneered. “At least all this warmongering has spooked Fancy Pants into negotiating with us- “

The double doors abruptly burst open, revealing a sandy, red-maned unicorn, magically holding her sizable portfolios in tow. “Under Hoof, Ma’am Mayor,” she introduced herself as she strode in.

“Glad to see you, Ms. Hoof. I am Mayor Mare; this here is Councilor Lyra Heartstrings.”

Both sides took a few moments to settle in. “You doubtless understand that all agreements signed by the Ponyville Government have to be approved by our Legislative Council, Ms. Hoof,” Mayor Mare elaborated. “Ms. Heartstrings here is LegCo’s representative – obviously, what she says carries the weight of the government behind her.” Also known as the government having to follow her every diktat.

“Right.” The sandy pony cleared her throat. “Now, we at FPS understand that a recent choice of name for one of our new product lines may have inadvertently caused insult to Ponyville.”

“Indeed it has,” the gray-maned mare nodded.

Under Hoof slid over two sheets of paper. “We hope for a settlement without going to court over such a trivial matter. We do have certain limits, set by the results of our focus-testing. But we are willing to countenance changes to the name.”

“Let’s hear it,” the lime-green unicorn growled grimly.

“Good. We propose the name: ‘Canterlot-Ponyville Designs. I’m sure that you will find this change acceptable…?”

Settle for any name that mentions Ponyville in it, Mayor Mare remembered her Secretary for Administration remind her beforehand. “Ms. Hoof, I do believe that this is a fair- “

The bespectacled mare had not counted on Lyra Heartstrings jumping up so abruptly, hoof shaking in unparalleled fervor. “No, it is NOT fair!” she screeched.

Even Mayor Mare leapt up at this sudden burst of ire. “L-lyra!” she relapsed. “What’s the m-matter?”

The lime-green pony pointed an accusing hoof at her negotiating ally. “You, of all ponies, should know better,” she scolded. “You’re selling away our rights!”

The tan pony rolled her eyes. “Ms. Heartstrings, we need to compromise… ”

Lyra cut off any further justification with a thump of her hooves. “LegCo will not accept such an insulting name as ‘Canterlot-Ponyville’!”

“Well, what’s your suggestion, then,” Under Hoof asked pointedly.

The lime-green unicorn had a prepared answer ready. “Since our Ms. Rarity created the dress, clearly the only acceptable name should be ‘Ponyville-Canterlot Designs’.”

The sandy pony shook her head virulently. “Focus testing forbids us to start the product name with ‘Ponyville’, Ms. Heartstrings. Surely you want Ms. Rarity’s products to sell?”

The answer was obvious to the Mayor. “Well, yes- “

The answer was obvious to Lyra, too. “Well, no if it means surrendering our rights to Canterlot!”

Under Hoof’s eye twitched slightly. “May I remind you,” she enunciated, “that Ms. Rarity created these products in Canterlot!”

“Yeah, but without Ponyville,” Lyra slammed her hoof on the table, “Ms. Rarity would never have been able to make dresses in the first place!”

A tense standoff as both Lyra Heartstrings and Under Hoof ignored Mayor Mare.

Under Hoof made her ultimatum, never once breaking her gaze at the lime-green unicorn. “Ms. Heartstrings, I guess FPS will be seeing Ponyville in the Supreme Court, then.”

Lyra Heartstrings returned the favor, steel in her voice. “Bring it on, Ms. Hoof. Bring. It. On.”

Somewhere in a distant part of the room, Mayor Mare was still struggling to have her voice heard? “Somepony? Anypony?” she whined. “Can’t we arrive at a compromise somewhere?”

*

Hall of Justice, Canterlot

== SUPREME COURT OF EQUESTRIA ==

Canterlot v. Ponyville

40 EQ 12

“Please sit, fillies and gentlecolts,” the Princess Celestia stood stiff and ready to deliver her final verdict. “The Supreme Court has reviewed the arguments for both the defendant, Canterlot; and the plaintiff, Ponyville – and we have decided on a resolution that, we think, will solve this issue once and for all.”

“Canterlot argued that their new product line should be called ‘Canterlot Designs’, because Ms. Rarity made her creations in Canterlot – and had she not been in said city, she would never have created this particular design.”

“Ponyville, on the other hand, argued that the product line should be called ‘Ponyville Designs’, because Ms. Rarity was a citizen of Ponyville – and had she not been in said town, she would never have created this particular design.”

“The Princesses Luna and I agreed that the basic question here was this: what was the root cause of Ms. Rarity’s inspiration? And given this re-formulation, the answer was evident.”

“Our verdict is thus: the ultimate root cause of Ms. Rarity’s creations – the sine qua non of her inspiration – must be that which earned Ms. Rarity her cutie mark in the first place. And, as such, the Court orders FPS to rename their new line of products to ‘Rock Designs’. For clearly, without the inspirational Rock, Ms, Rarity here would not have delved so deeply into dressmaking in the first place.”

A stunned murmur throughout the Supreme Court.

“That is all. Court is adjourned.”

*

The murmur grew louder and louder. “Well,” Crimson Ribbon remarked to his superior, “at least nopony won. Guess that was the real intention of Her Highnesses. You know, ‘no favoritism’ and all that.”

Mayor Mare’s eyes were still twitching. “That doesn’t help me, Mr. Ribbon. I’ve taken political flak for no result here.”

The bureaucrat was unsympathetic. “Well, you should have pressed harder for a compromise.”

“I had no choice in the matter, as you well know.” The tan pony glanced one last time at the horrid little rag of an Express that she was holding – headline: MAYOR MARE ATTEMPTS NEGOTIATION WITH THE ENEMY – before tossing it into a nearby bin.

The gray stallion finally got to his point. “Then you shouldn’t have curtailed your power by creating LegCo.”

“Alright, alright,” the Mayor gasped in exasperation. “Democracy stinks. You win.”

Author's Note

ESEY: Equestria Stock Exchange sYmbol (What reporters do on finance websites to remind readers of the stock code.)

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Politicians one-upping each other with praise for talented individuals, e.g. David Cameron suggesting knighthoods for UK Olympic gold medallists. 2) Focus testing, the bane of all creative ideas. 3) Disputes over names can be both vicious and ridiculous, e.g. the Czechoslovak 'Hyphen War'. 4) Over-zealous legislatures derailing executive attempts at compromise, such as the US Senate's 2013 rejection of the UN Disability Convention. 5) I was skeptical as to whether any human Supreme Court has the power to hand down a ruling that wasn't initially suggested by either legal party, but Another Nopony gave a good counter-example in the case of Citizens United (US Supreme Court, 2010).]

S2E10: Secret of My Excess

Season 2 Episode 10 - Secret of My Excess

(What was once) Ponyville Park, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Reconstruction. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

“Urgh!” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon turned up his snout in disgust. "Somepony get rid of that unsightly mess," he ordered, gesturing at the group of ramshackle lean-tos. "We can't have them here."

"Mr. Ribbon." Mayor Mare uneasily glanced up from her bleak directive. “Don’t you think you’re being a little harsh?"

The gray bureaucrat shrugged. "The law is the law. No loiterers in the Park."

"But clearly we need to make room for mitigating circumstances, Mr. Ribbon." The tan pony regarded the smoldering pile of ash and rubble that was Ponyville. "The ponies have nowhere else to go!"

"Every circumstance can be a mitigating circumstance, Ma'am," the stallion replied uncompromisingly, nodding his head in satisfaction as a few mangy ponies were dragged kicking and screaming from their hovels. "Today, we let people pitch tents in Ponyville Park. Next thing you know, they'll be setting down foundations on the lawn!"

“That’s- ” The bespectacled mare didn't really want to be dragged into this discussion. "In any case, let’s discuss rebuilding.”

The bureaucrat’s ears pricked up as a few bulldozers smashed up the remnants of the refugee camp. “Let’s.”

“Now I've asked Ms. Sparkle and she's more than happy to use her magic to- "

Those ears flopped back down again. “You can’t do that.”

The politician sighed angrily. "I still don't see why we can't just use magic to rebuild the town in, like, a day."

"I've told you," the gray stallion explained impatiently. "Firstly, we wouldn’t be able to properly inspect any building rebuilt by Ms. Sparkle. We simply don’t have the tools and processes to test the integrity of her powerful rebuilding spells."

The gray-maned mare rolled her eyes. “Ms. Sparkle is pretty far from being magically inept.”

"You know these rules exist to protect Ponyville’s citizens, Ma’am. Besides, should Ms. Sparkle decide to jinx a building, we’d never know about it."

Mayor Mare was unconvinced. "Surely you can understand that these are mitigating circumstances- "

"And secondly," the bureaucrat pushed on. "Politically, we'd run into so much trouble with the Builder's Union. Unicorns accomplishing in a day what earth ponies need two months for? They'd be out of business before lunch."

"Just this once, Mr. Ribbon," Mayor Mare tried to reassure her subordinate. "Just this once."

"They won’t want to set a precedent, Ma'am."

The politician frowned. "But this is rebuilding Ponyville we're talking about here. Surely the Union is willing to concede something- "

Crimson Ribbon responded only with a sly chuckle. “Money speaks, Ma’am. All this destruction is a veritable bonanza for them.”

*

(What used to be) Market Square, Ponyville

== SPECIAL LEGISLATIVE-COUNCIL UNITED-TASKFORCE ON RECONSTRUCTION OF PONYVILLE ==

(SLURP)

As a way of boosting morale - well, to the extent that listening to hacks wrangling over inconsequential details for three hours boosts morale - the Legislative Council decided to hold an open-air discussion. Through this, Ponyvillians would undoubtedly realize how hard the government was working in their interests.

Finance Secretary Bit Coin was giving a brief run-down of the situation. "As you can see, fillies and gentlecolts," she stated as she whipped out more tables and graphs from her saddlebags, "donations are pouring in from every corner of Equestria. I expect that with this influx of money, as well as from the Emergency Relief Fund, we'll be able to meet all reconstruction needs."

Polite applause from the audience, evidently relieved by the good news.

"Of course," the chestnut pony reminded as she shut her ledger, "it is up to the Special United-Taskforce to decide on the best way to use this windfall - I mean, donation."

"Indeed," Chairman of the Committee Filly Buster nodded. He turned solemnly to Mayor Mare, keeping up appearances in front of the public. "Now let's hear what Town Hall has to say about this."

"Well," the tan pony cleared her throat. "We already have a contingency plan for these sorts of things, Mr. Buster. I propose following said Plan: first, securing all potential hazards such as gas, water and electric pipes; second, infrastructure repair; and finally, housing reconstruction and resettlement."

The bespectacled mare sat back down, perceiving from the lack of questions that the government's emergency plan was going to be accepted by-

"Wait a minute, Mayor." Filly Buster rose his hoof. "What about the Legislative Council?"

Mayor Mare frowned. “What about the Legislative Council.”

The white stallion wasn’t sure if the tan pony was trying to slip him up. “You know, us.”

It took a moment before the gray-maned mare could make sense of the enquiry. "Ah," she answered. "To be honest, LegCo’s on a pretty low priority in the grand scheme of things... "

"What?!" the white stallion screamed incredulously. "But how would we be able to carry out your reconstruction plan if this is the case?"

The tan pony raised an eyebrow. "Government, as we can clearly see here, is working just fine, Mr. Buster."

"No it isn't!" the silver-maned stallion insisted. "We need a rebuilt Legislative Council building before we can start executing such a complicated plan!"

But... but this is political suicide! "Mr. Buster- "

The stallion ignored her. "And we need our Councilors to be in top form for the business of reconstruction: we need to have our houses rebuilt first!"

Gasps and murmurings within the ranks of the Legislative Council.

Mayor Mare pinched herself to ensure that she wasn't dreaming. "But what about- "

"Now of course we need our Mayor to be in top form as well," Committee member Lyra Heartstrings quickly interjected. “So I think Town Hall and the Mayor's House should also be given the highest priority."

Any further objections coming from the Mayor were suddenly muted, leaving her open-mouthed like a fish out of water. "Oh." she finally managed to utter. "Right. I get what you mean. I guess I’ll be updating the plans then… "

An eerie calm fell over Market Square as all the major questions were fast being settled between the political elite-

"HEY!" A sudden accusation from the public stand. "What are you ponies doing?!"

Of course... it's an open-air meeting! "Umm... well... " Mayor Mare, unfortunate enough to be the latest speaker, was fast wilting before the glare of a suddenly-hostile audience.

Lyra Heartstrings rode to the rescue with the only method she could perceive. "Actually!" she announced as she jumped into the fray. "We also need to discuss how we should punish the terrible dragon who wrought this destruction on Ponyville!"

"Wha- ?" The mood of the crowd swung abruptly for the second time. Yes, they were still angry, and yes, they were still out for blood. But their victim had now changed.

"Ponyvillians!" the lime-green pony announced. "Your government is hard at work finding out the foul purple dragon who perpetrated this dastardly act! But rest assured, Ponyvillians- "

The cheering had already begun before the orator had finished her speech. “Po-ny-ville! Po-ny-ville!”

" -Ponyvillians! We will bring that purple dragon back here and make him face justice!" Lyra roared.

Hoof stomping and raucous cheers. "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

"We'll put a hoof straight up his flank - it's the Ponyville way!" the unicorn shook her hoof in bloodthirsty vengeance.

"Po-ny-ville! Po-ny-ville! Po-ny-ville!" The crowd was unsatiable.

*

(What was once) Mayor Mare's House, Ponyville

"I can't believe you!" Cheerilee stormed at Mayor Mare. "How can you justify doing this!"

"LegCo let us use the funds like so," the tan pony responded nonchalantly, mind clearly focused on other things. "You know, I'm sure they won't mind rebuilding our house with a better dining room- "

"Stop. It. Now!" the cerise pony commanded in vain. "Those donations aren't supposed to be used like this! You can't- "

"The Express hasn't said anything about it," the Mayor tapped a nearby wall. "Hmm. Maybe we can put a glass door here… "

"The Express hasn't been published since the dragon attacked!" The schoolteacher stomped her hooves in indignation. "And what's the chances of Filthy not being part of your little plan!"

The gray-maned mare sighed. "It's not my plan. Everypony agreed to it. Now, I think some new balustrades are in order- "

"Stop it!" Cheerilee wasn't getting sidetracked that easily. "You stop this, right now!"

"And a basement would be nice, I guess," Mayor Mare mused. "Look, Cheerie; I'm sure we can get something in for the Ponyville Schoolhouse while we're at it."

"You can't- what?" the cerise pony's mind adapted to the changed circumstances. "Ponyville Schoolhouse? But we didn’t suffer any damage!"

"I know that," the Mayor responded. "But, you know, the kids will need something to do while we're rebuilding Ponyville Park.”

The schoolteacher's super-ego was starting to falter. "But the money isn’t supposed to be- "

"You know, a new ant farm or something," the bespectacled mare remarked off-handedly, tearing off a section of musty wallpaper. "Maybe a new lab. Maybe even a- "

" -new playground?” The dam of conscience finally broke.

Mayor Mare turned towards her daughter, a great big smile emblazoned on her face. "Yes, Cheerie. A new playground too."

"Uh, well." Cheerilee pretended to consider her options. "I mean, this is obviously for the good of the kids... "

"How altruistic."

"And it can't cost that much in the grand scheme of things... "

"It won't."

“And it is important… ”

“Exactly.”

The schoolteacher was set. "Urgh, fine, redecorate the house," she surrendered, wincing slightly at her hypocritical disgust. “It’s been overdue, anyway.”

Mayor Mare savored this rare victory. "Thanks, Cheerie."

"Remember to replace the stove. I can give you the newest catalogues."

*

(Formerly) Mayor Mare's Office, Ponyville

The expression on Bit Coin's face was growing more and more concerned. "Six hundred new books in Ponyville Library... a new plough for Sweet Apple Acres... " The chestnut pony put down Councilor Twilight Sparkle's request worriedly. "At this rate, Ma’am, we're definitely going to run out of money."

“You said we had enough for all our reconstruction needs,” Mayor Mare chided.

“I didn’t think the LegCo Chambers needed a new Baroque façade, Ma’am.”

"Well it’s important,” the tan pony asserted. “Delay housing reconstruction to make up for it.”

"Um... Ma’am?" the Finance Secretary reminded her. "Ponies are going to complain- "

" -which will be nothing compared with the complaining that you'll get from us," Lyra Heartstrings hastily interrupted. "You are going to approve our stuff, Mayor."

The tan pony put her head in her hooves for some thinking time. "Well, we can get the best of both worlds if we delay rebuilding Town Hall instead- "

"No way, Ma'am," Bit Coin interrupted with some determination. "We need this building done up pronto. Morale purposes."

The bespectacled mare addressed the two mares opposite her. "But I have to approve all of these requests," she gestured to a thick folder on her desk. "We can’t govern effectively otherwise."

"So we need more money." Bit Coin went straight for the jugular.

"Yes," Mayor Mare nodded. "We need more money."

A moment's pause as the three mares considered their options.

"Another appeal from the Emergency Relief Fund?" Lyra began hopefully.

"You try wringing more money from those Canterlot bureaucrats," the Finance Secretary responded with some bitterness.

"Ask for more donations?" the Mayor concluded glumly. "But we can't possibly ask again so soon… "

"Ah-ha!" the lime-green pony's exclamation of joy underlined her sudden enlightenment. "Tell me, both of you: do you have a water pipe anywhere nearby?"

Bit Coin's furrows deepened. "Uh, yeah," her hoof pointed to an exposed tube within the wrecked room. "Bit fragile, though... "

Without a second's delay and before anypony could stop her, Lyra galloped up to the rusty old pipe.

Mayor Mare immediately stood up in horror. "Councilor Heartstrings, what in Cel- "

Lyra gave the pipe a quick buck. The corroded iron immediately gave way. Icy water spewed out through the newly-created puncture.

Bit Coin's eyes widened. "Lyra, what the hay!"

The lime green pony's eyes widened at the sight, swooning uncontrollably with emotion. "Oh, we're doomed, we're doomed!" she cried, water quickly drenching her miserable body. "Ponyville's going to run out of water in a few hours!"

The Mayor and her subordinated blanked out but for a few seconds, before the gravity of the situation hit them as well.

"Oh, we're doomed!" Mayor Mare hyperventilated. "Our water supply is leaking uncontrollably! What will the ponies drink, oh, what will we drink?!"

"Oh, we're doomed!" Bit Coin wailed in existential agony. "Ponyville's getting flooded with water! We're all going to drown- "

"We can't both be running out of water and drowning," the Mayor corrected her irritably.

Bit Coin opened an eye to glare at her superior. "With all due respect, Ma’am, we can."

"No we can't- "

"Oh!" Lyra Heartstrings' tragic voice overrode their budding argument. "I don't want to die, I don't want to die! Please, citizens of Equestria, save us!"

"Oh please, save us from our terrible fate!" her two co-actors quickly got back into the act.

Shrieks and howls reverberated through the wrecked building.

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: This story is mostly derived from the aftermath of the 2008 Wenchuan Earthquake in China, where donations (allegedly) were used for the following purposes: 1) Shoddy rebuilding that violated earthquake building-codes and merely collapsed again in 2013, 2) Commercialization of rescue efforts (e.g. "Huiyuan Fruit Juice helps rescue effort"), 3) Donations being used to enrich government (e.g. using money to purchase million-dollar jeeps etc.), 4) Donations being used to enrich private developers (e.g. using destruction to bulldoze slums and build pricey real estate).]

S2E11: Hearth's Warming Eve

Season 2 Episode 11 – Hearth’s Warming Eve

Mayor Mare’s Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Securing additional relief for Ponyville. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

“We need more money.” Finance Secretary Bit Coin emphasized her point with one determined clap of her hooves.

Mayor Mare kept her eyes on the scrap of paper. “Everypony needs more money, Ms. Coin.”

“Ponyville needs it more than most,” the chestnut pony declared, the temptation to add personal commentary fast overwhelming her. “Of course, if you hadn’t used our last fundraiser to resurface your front drive… ”

“I heard you and Captain Force will be going to Las Pegasus for New Year’s.”

“Well, where am I supposed to stay while they rebuild the house?” The Finance Secretary gestured nonchalantly. “But that’s beside the point. We’ve been putting off housing reconstruction for far too long. Winter’s nearly here.”

“We still don’t have enough money for full reconstruction, Ms. Coin.”

The chestnut pony smiled. “Well Ma’am, I have a plan.”

“Do you?” The Mayor raised an eyebrow, relieved that the burden of making one was not going to fall on her. “I promise this time, we’ll really commit the proceeds towards reconstruction.”

“Sure. Whatever.” A small folder slid across the lacquered table. “We should do the Canterlot Hearth’s Warming Eve Show.”

The tan pony scanned through the mass of leaflets and forms. “Interesting,” she mumbled. “So how can we get money from this?”

The sales pitch resumed. “Well on the one hoof, we can bill it as a charity show. Raise more money for valiant little Ponyville to survive the winter. And on the other hoof, in Canterlot we can directly petition Her Highness for more relief. Two birds with one stone.”

“I see.” The reasoning was straightforward enough. “Let’s do that.”

*

“Her Highness will definitely give us the position without question,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon confirmed. “Extenuating circumstances, you understand.”

Mayor Mare nodded. “So that’s Part One. Now how can we ensure that ponies will donate? Or watch, for that matter.”

“Obviously, Ms. Sparkle and her friends have to be the draw card,” the bureaucrat explained. “So they’ll be the main characters for our play. That’ll attract the volume. And as for donating… well… ”

He passed a thin stack of papers to the tan pony. “The script. Not your usual Hearth’s Warming Eve narrative. Really your bog-standard Hearth’s Warming Eve play, just with all the violent bits cut out. And a lot more references to cold.”

The tan pony’s complexion darkened. “I don’t see how those help our cause.”

The Mayor’s subordinate winked. “That’s the subtlety of it, Mayor,” he elaborated. “We emphasize cold to remind ponies of our terrible, terrible plight! So many of Ponyville’s citizens, defenseless against the biting winter chill- “

“I get it,” the tan pony said, wondering how many radiators could have been purchased had LegCo not decided to renovate the Chamber’s front façade. “And the lack of violence?”

“Family friendly. Mayor. We do want the volume,” the aristocratic stallion replied. “Besides,” he added. “You know Her Highness. She always wants to focus on the ‘Harmony’ side of the tale.”

Mayor Mare chuckled. “Are we censoring our history for the benefit of the Princess? You’re making her sound like King Sombra.”

The gray stallion shrugged. “You do want Her Highness to give you the money, right?”

The politician wisely decided to evade the issue. “So,” she continued. “Anything else I should be aware of?”

“Hmm… ” Crimson Ribbon searched his brain. “Ah yes. We’ll need to generate good reviews to build up hype. So we’ll need to choose carefully whose critics we’re going to let see the initial show here in Ponyville.”

The answer was obvious. “Why, the Ponyville Express, of course. They’re bound to give a good review.”

Silence.

“Just the Ponyville Express?” the gray stallion prodded.

Mayor Mare answered like it was the most natural thing in Equestria to say. “Why, yes.”

*

Ponyville Schoolhouse, Ponyville

Filthy Rich was not amused, as was depressingly the norm.

“Why isn’t my Tiara getting a role in the Hearth’s Warming Eve show!” he thumped his hooves onto Cheerilee’s desk, making a few unsightly dents in the hitherto-pristine surface. “Why. Isn’t. She!”

The cerise pony rolled her eyes. “I’ve told you over and over again, Mr. Rich. I’m not in charge of this production. And you know the show starts tomorrow.”

That, as predicted, did not take the kettle off the boil. “Well, tell the Mayor that I need my baby up there! Don’t you understand how important this is to her CV?”

“I fully comprehend, Fil- Mr. Rich,” the schoolteacher lied, not really grasping the point behind outfitting a resume for a grade-schooler. “But as I said, this is out of my hooves.”

“Well, you should…!” The industrial magnate had had it with peaceful negotiations. “Ms. Cheerilee,” he advanced menacingly. “You don’t want to be the pony who ruined this play, do you?”

The cherry-maned pony’s eyes narrowed. “This play is for Ponyville, Mr. Rich,” she growled. “And frankly, if you hadn’t taken funds to build a new swimming pool- “

“Nice new microscope I see you got there, Missy.”

“It’s for the kids, Mr. Rich. You spent way more- “

“Save your sanctimony. Diamond Tiara will get a place in that play.”

Cheerilee wasn’t one who bowed that easily to threats, especially those threats which she had no capability to ameliorate. “I can’t, Mr. Rich.”

The millionaire leant ever closer. His breath stank. “You can’t.”

The cerise pony widened her eyes. “I can’t.”

These old enemies faced off once again, the cold wind blowing, the dying leaves rustling, the world coming to a halt around them.

Filthy Rich broke off first. “You’ll regret this, Cheerilee,” he threatened. “You’ll regret this.”

Mayor Mare’s daughter had heard it all before. “Goodbye, Filthy Rich.”

*

Mayor Mare’s Office, Ponyville

Slap. The sound of a newspaper slamming down on the newly-furnished table.

“You know,” Mayor Mare pointed an accusatory hoof at the Express, “We should really charge Filthy with treason.”

Crimson Ribbon shrugged. “Alas, giving biased reviews is generally not included within even the broadest interpretations of the Act.”

The tan pony re-grabbed the rag in a fit of fury. PONYVILLE’S NEW HEARTH’S WARMING PLAY A GUARANTEED FLOP, the Arts page screamed. 0.5/5. “Poor characterization… more concerned with cheap jokes than telling the glorious history of Equestria’s founding… bad special effects… ” Mayor Mare rasped as she ripped the offending text to pieces. “Sometimes I don’t understand why I want to be Mayor.”

The gray stallion shrugged. “Philosophy is the least of your problems. With such a bad review – from a Ponyville paper no less – we might have to- “

Riing!

Mayor Mare picked up the glistening telephone receiver. “Yes?!”

Bit Coin’s voice emanated from the speakers, loud and strident. “What the hay, Mayor!”

“It’s not my fault, Bit!” the bespectacled mare defended herself. “Filthy must have- “

“Why didn’t you just agree to whatever Filthy asked of you, Ma'am!” the chestnut pony screeched. “Why are you making my job so difficult!”

“Filthy didn’t ask me- “

“Oh, Celestia, I don’t really care about excuses!” All sense of decorum had evaporated from the exasperated Finance Secretary. “Now nopony is going to go to this play! We’ll lose money, and we’ll be the laughing-stock of Equestria!”

“Ms. Coin, calm down- “ the gray-maned mare began.

“No, I will not calm down!” the voice on the other end was close to mutiny. “LegCo’s going to blame me for this fiasco!”

“Ms. Coin!” Crimson Ribbon joined the melee. “Calm down!”

“I just said, I won’t- “

“I have a plan, Ms. Coin!” the Secretary for Administration reassured. “I have a plan!”

That cooled down the chestnut pony. “What plan?”

The redoubtable bureaucrat’s mind was spinning again. “Okay, so the reviews weren’t great; but we can still create atmosphere.”

“Atmosphere?” Mayor Mare asked.

Crimson Ribbon paused for effect. “You know, the atmosphere that comes with a lot of ponies watching a play. We could just transport an audience in from Ponyville to Canterlot.”

“What?!” Bit Coin instinctively roiled against the suggestion. “You want us to lose even more money?”

“Money is secondary,” the Secretary for Administration declared. “Not being seen as total idiots is the key thing. We can always get the money somewhere else- “

“You mean from Her Highness,” Mayor Mare postulated.

“Yes. We’ll need to ramp up the royal flank-kissing. Like replace the flag at the end – you know, when they unite together in harmony and stuff – with the present-day Equestrian flag. The symbol of Her Highnesses and everything.”

“You think that’ll work?” Bit Coin asked skeptically over the phone.

Crimson Ribbon smiled. “It’s the little things, Ms. Coin. The little things.”

*

Royal Canterlot Theater, Canterlot

The applause had not yet stopped before Mayor Mare had sidled up to the Princess Celestia. “I hope you enjoyed the play, Your Highness,” she enquired sweetly.

The alicorn herself was still clapping. “A job most well done to the cast, Mayor,” she stated. “I have to say the Express’ review was most unjustified.”

The tan pony curtsied, buttering up Her Highness just a bit more. “I cannot express how relieved I am that you find the play good, Your Highness.”

Wrong move. The ruler of Equestria frowned, her hooves abruptly shuddering to a halt mid-clap. “I didn’t say it was good,” she corrected her subject. “I said the play was acted well.”

Mayor Mare’s heart skipped a beat. “W-what?” she stuttered, her brain desperately trying to reset itself.

The Princess’ frown deepened at the insolent reply. “You do realize that your play committed lese-majeste.”

Any more beat-skipping and Mayor Mare would be going into cardiac arrest. “W-what… I-I didn’t m-mean… h-how… ”

“Act Two, Scene Two.” The Princess gritted her teeth in evident displeasure. “Clover the Clever claims that the other pony tribes would ‘see reason’.”

The tan pony was too petrified to enquire further. “R-right.”

“You do realize that, as it turns out, the other pony tribes didn’t see reason.”

“W-well… ” Mayor Mare stammered. “T-they d-did ev-eventually.- “

“That wasn’t what Clover the Clever predicted. She predicted that they would see reason during their first meeting.”

“R-right.” The connection to lese-majeste was still non-existent.

Her Highness was unrelenting. “You do realize that the historical Clover the Clever never made a wrong prediction.”

The Mayor nodded in frightened assent.

“So really, you have unfairly besmirched Clover the Clever’s name through that one sentence.”

“B-but,” the bespectacled mare finally found the courage to squeak. “W-what has th-this got to d-do w-with lese-m-majeste?”

Another tense moment as Her Highness considered the Mayor’s impudent request. “I am descended from Clover the Clever,” she revealed.

Kill me now. “Oh, a thousand apologies, Your Highness!” the Mayor quickly threw herself down onto the sovereign’s hooves, groveling around in the dirt like a filthy maggot. “Please, we didn’t mean to- “

The ruler of Equestria smirked. “It seems as if Ponyville is not that keen with my rule- “

“Please, O Mighty Princess!” Terrified tears were rolling down the politician’s cheeks. “Forgive us your ignorant subjects! We had no idea that line meant so much to you!” Again she knocked her head against the floorboards, too mentally weak to view the dread aura of the Princess.

Applause from downstairs was slowly dying as the Ruler of Equestria considered her options. She culminated her thoughts with a long sigh. “I understand that this was an intended error,” she stated at last. “And I am willing to forgive you that.”

The Mayor’s heart started beating again. “Oh, thank you, thank you, O Wise Princess!” she exclaimed gratefully, leaning down and kissing her sovereign’s hoof repeatedly. “May you live forever and ever!”

Princess Celestia was numb to these sort of platitudes. “I do trust that you will endeavor not to commit these mistakes again,” she said.

“Oh, never; oh never O Ruler of the Sun!” Mayor Mare adulated in between kissing sessions. “Ponyville would never dream of going against your will!”

“Good.” The alicorn’s hoof drew out of the Mayor’s embrace. “Anything else to ask about?”

The bespectacled mare had just escaped with her life: no way in Tartaros was she going to stick her neck back in there, certainly not for a measly Emergency Fund request. “N-nothing, O Great Princess; thank you, thank you again…”

“Good.” Princess Celestia broke out into a warm smile, relieved that her devious little plan had actually worked. It was impossible that Ponyville would still be in trouble after all that cash.

*

Mayor Mare’s Office, Ponyville

Lyra’s strident voice crackled intermittently over the radio. “Ponyvillians! The Mayor is the reason that your houses are not getting rebuilt! It is the duty of the Mayor to fight for Ponyville’s interests through thick and thin! And by failing to get extra money from the Emergency Fund, the Mayor has left us with no money to rebuild your homes! Even the genius of LegCo cannot do much in these circumstances… ”

“Turn that off.” Mayor Mare muttered despondently, rolling her head in between her tired hooves. “Just what I needed.”

The noise from the radio dimmed. Bit Coin looked somewhat sympathetically at her superior. “Well, I guess the Hearth’s Warming Show was a bit of a mistake, then.”

Nary a comprehensible word from the depressed mare.

“But then,” the Finance Secretary hastily covered her position, “I didn’t think you ponies would make such bad decisions.”

The bespectacled mare really wasn’t in much mood for argument. “What are we going to do about housing reconstruction, then.”

“Ah. About that.” The chestnut pony timorously flipped across her ledger. “Well, you know we’ve actually lost money on this charity play.”

A silent, angry pause from the Mayor.

“So we’re actually going to have to delay reconstruction of the Retirement Village because of that.”

A longer, more silent, and angrier pause from the Mayor.

Seeing this, Bit Coin cautiously cleared her throat. “Um, you know, Mayor, I’ve been thinking- “

“WHAT?!” the Mayor exploded in a storm of stress.

Despite knowing that her suggestion was going to be sound, Bit Coin still gulped in unjustified fear. “Uh, yes, Mayor. You know that option’s still available.”

“What option!”

The Finance Secretary shifted her eyes in the direction of the Library. “You know, Ms. Sparkle. Telling her to rebuild it.”

“Didn’t Mr. Ribbon say that that would violate building codes?”

“Well,” Bit Coin gave a dry laugh. “What is he going to do once we rebuild the houses? Tear them down again?”

Mayor Mare leant back in her chair. Her subordinate had a point.

Author's Note

Lese-majeste: Insult of the monarchy. Most famously a crime in Thailand.

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Politicized and commercialized reviews (e.g. Gamespot's review of Kane and Lynch). 2) Self-censorship and royal sucking-up have always been integral to art (for example, Macbeth being a way of praising James I of Scotland). 3) Lese-majeste can be inferred from almost anything (e.g. not turning off reading lights in the presence of Thai princesses). Similar incidents have also occurred in various autocracies.]

S2E12: Family Appreciation Day

Season 2 Episode 12 – Family Appreciation Day

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Protecting Zap Apple Jam Copyright. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

“Come on, Ms. Top,” Mayor Mare sternly declared as she looked up from the daily piece of paper. “You know stealing is against the law.”

Carrot Top pouted. “I’ve told you a million times already: I made the jam myself!”

“And I’ve also told you that it’s not the actual jam that we’re concerned about.” Mayor Mare picked up the offending product, slowly rotating it in her hooves. My my, that golden stuff looks delicious... “You can’t just go around stealing the identity of other products.”

“Zapp Apple Jam – with a ‘P’ – isn’t the same thing,” he yellow pony insisted as she folded her forelegs in protest.

“While that may be true,” the tan pony admitted, “the name’s too similar to the Apples’ Zap Apple Jam – without the ‘P’.”

“How is it too similar? My Zapp Apple Jam is amber-colored. Their Zap Apple Jam is rainbow-colored. Who could possibly mix them up?”

The bespectacled mare exhaled angrily. “They sound exactly the same, Ms. Top. You’re tapping into Zap Apple Jam’s fame and using it to sell your jam. And that’s stealing.”

Carrot Top decided to try a different tack. “You’re just defending the Apples because they helped you in the last election!” She jumped up furiously. “This… this is favoritism! This is corruption- !”

The tan pony smiled and shook her head at the amateurish – though quite prescient – act. “Well played, Ms. Top,” she jabbed sarcastically. “Now rename your jam.”

“Oh, come on!” Carrot Top threw her hooves up in mock surrender. “Mayor, can’t we negotiate?”

No point in rejecting her offer outright, Mayor Mare reasoned. After all, election season was looming, and every little might help… “What do you propose.”

“Well, I have around 20 ponies working at the farm. I can tell them to vote for you…”

The Mayor’s complexion sunk. “Stop infringing copyright, Ms. Top.”

“Also, I’ll give you fifty jars of Zapp Apple Jam- !”

Time to conclude this silly charade. “Meeting over, Ms. Top.”

*

Everfree Forest Bridleway, Ponyville

“Tree chopping sucks!” Cutie Mark Crusader Tree Chopper Applebloom declared for the six-hundredth time. “And I thought we were goin’ to have fun!”

“Urgh!” The grating whine was increasingly getting on Applejack’s nerves. “I’ve told you already, we ain’t supposed to have fun here!”

“Well, I just don’t get why we need to buck down all them Zap Apple trees!” the little filly moaned, a torn sapling dangling limply from her mouth. “I thought Granny loved them!”

Splinters and bark flew past the orange pony as yet another tree met its demise. “Applebloom,” she explained as she wiped off new sweat. “Zap Apple time is when we make the most bits – bits for the barn, food, everythin’ in between. Got it?”

“I know that.”

“So we just can’t have other ponies just pickin’ Zap Apples from the forest to make their own jam. ‘Cause, you know, then they ain’t buyin’ from us.”

Little Sis’ eyes’ widened in comprehension. “Oh.”

“Do you want us to send Winona away?” Big Sis’ pressed harder.

“No.”

“Do you want to have sprouts every day?”

“No!”

“Then,” Applejack commanded, pointing her hoof at the rutted path. “Quit complainin’ and go watch the Bridleway for me.”

Applebloom lowered her head in understanding resignation. “Yes, Sis’.”

The country mare sighed as the little filly trotted away and turned back towards the small copse of Zap Apple trees. Darned plants, growin’ so fast. She had already bucked down ten the previous hour alone and was aiming for another hundred before the day was out. At least, for comfort, she didn’t have to worry about being charged with deforestation: Ranger Fluttershy saw, however reluctantly and unhappily, to that…

“Hi there, Mister!” Applebloom’s warning echoed throughout the forest. “What brings you ‘round these parts!”

Applejack fled the scene of the crime just fast enough to rendezvous with an old donkey travelling up the road. “Applebloom!” she struck up a pretend-chat. “Well howdy do, sir! What brings you over to this part of the Everfree?”

“Nothin’ really,” a hoarse voice responded. “Just makin’ my way to Canterlot… “

“Oh hey!” Applebloom cheerfully pointed at their visitor’s saddlebags. “I see you bought our Zap Apple Jam! There ain’t nothin’ better in Equestria than- “

“Did I?” Uncomprehending perplexing on the donkey’s face as he looked at what he could have possibly bought in Ponyville. “Oh, that,” he finally saw the rainbow jar jutting out from his baggage. “I bought it in Canterlot!”

“Well I can tell you that our jam is wayy better than- “ The reality of the situation struck the two ponies like an avalanche.

“CANTERLOT?!” they yelled in sisterly unison.

“Yeah, Canterlot,” the traveler replied, nonplussed by the mares’ reactions. “The all-new ‘Zap Apple’ formula. Tastes amazin’, let me tell you that… girls? Girls?”

He looked around, finding nothing of his two interlocutors save for a rapidly receding cloud of dust.

*

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

“We’ve done the research, Ms. Applejack.” Mayor Mare flipped through another page of the commissioned report. “It seems that Canterlot’s developed an industrial process to replicate the Zap Apple phenomenon. And because the product is indistinguishable from the natural equivalent, they feel justified calling it ‘Zap Apple Jam’.”

“They can’t do that!” Applejack thumped the desk indignantly. “It ain’t natural!”

The bespectacled mare shrugged. “You don’t stop calling it fruit because you use fertilizer to speed their growth.”

“That’s true, I suppose,” the honest pony had to admit. “B-but ain’t there somethin’ you can do? I mean you got rid of Carrot Top, right?”

“Canterlot and Carrot Top are on two totally different levels,” the tan pony waxed philosophical.

Applejack’s ears drooped. “So there’s nothin’ you can do here?”

Mayor Mare turned towards the window for inspiration. “I’m thinking, Ms. Applejack.”

“We helped you so much last election,” the orange pony reminded the politician.

“I’m doing everything I can.”

“Zap Apple Jams are a Ponyville brand.” Applejack was throwing the kitchen sink in a bid to keep the Mayor interested. “Just like Rarity’s fancy-schmancy dresses and Sweet Apple Cider- “

That produced a lightbulb in Mayor Mare. “Oh.”

“’Oh’ what, Mayor?”

The gray-maned pony turned back to the farm pony, a satisfied glint in her eye. “We may just have the thing you need, Ms. Applejack.”

*

Equestrian Trademark Office, Canterlot

== EQUESTRIAN COMMITTEE OF LABELLING INDICATORS [E COLI] ==

MEETING REGARDING CONFERRAL OF ‘PROTECTED DESIGNATION OF ORIGIN’ (PDO)

TO

SUBMISSION EQ24593ZA: ZAP APPLE JAM

The hearing began as soon as the Mayor sat down into her seat, taking note of the more-crowded-than-usual room. Councilor Twilight Sparkle had accompanied the Apple Family to the audience area.

To the gray-maned mare’s dismay, Canterlot had also sent over a representative – old nemesis Under Hoof – to observe the proceedings. Even worse, the red-maned pony seemed a bit cocky today, smug self-confidence written on her sandy face. But that was generally how Canterlot ponies carried themselves about anyway.

A clearing of the throat from Judge Gastro on the dais. “Let us begin the hearing,” he announced as he thwacked his gavel. “Mayor Mare – the applicant. You are here to request a Protected Designation of Origin– a PDO – for Zap Apple Jam in Ponyville.”

“Yes, Your Lordship.”

“I see.” The judge rechecked his brief. “This means that if we adopt your submission, only jams made within the boundaries of Ponyville and under a specific process can be labelled as ‘Zap Apple Jams’.”

The gray-maned pony nodded. “That is correct, Your Lordship.”

“Understood.” The portly unicorn judge filed these tiresome bureaucratic niceties away. “Now, please elucidate why you think such a designation is necessary.”

Showtime, Mayor. “Two things, Your Lordship. Firstly, the technique to develop Zap Apple Jams was the product of years of experimentation and toil from Ponyville’s Apple Family- “

“Darn right you are!” Applebloom’s juvenile voice erupted from the benches.

Judge Gastro brooked no challenge to his authority. “ORDER!” he demanded, banging his gavel virulently on his desk.

The little filly quickly had her mouth shut by her big sister. “We’ll be having a talk about your language, missy,” Applejack hissed menacingly.

“Anyway,” the bespectacled mare looked uneasily away from the audience. “Secondly, the history of Zap Apple Jam is deeply intertwined with the history of Ponyville. My first witness, Mrs. Smith, will testify as to how the production of Zap Apple Jam spurred the initial growth of the settlement now known as Ponyville.”

“Mm-hmm.” Judge Gastro closed his eyes and nodded regrettably at the incontrovertibility of it all. “These are fair points.”

Applause – strictly no cheering – from the Apple family and their friends.

Rap. Rap. “Well, I see no reason to deny the passage of this PDO,” the disappointed judge concluded. “So unless anypony has any objections, we’ll- “

“We have objections, Your Lordship.”

Great. Mayor Mare didn’t even bother looking at who it was.

Under Hoof strode onto the courtroom floor, a tattered roll of parchment in her hand.

“Oh, please raise them, Ms. Hoof,” Judge Gastro instructed, sufficiently brightened by the presence of drama to ignore etiquette breaches.

The sandy Canterlot representative wasted little time. “Ms. Mare here claims that Ponyville should get the PDO for Zap Apple Jam, because the jam was created within Ponyville boundaries and is a part of Ponyville culture.”

“That is implied, Ms. Hoof,” the portly unicorn responded, acknowledging that Mayor Mare had no objections to this interpretation.

Under Hoof’s face lit up in devilish anticipation. “It is an erroneous claim, Your Lordship.”

A pause to let this certainly-unanticipated news sink in to the Ponyvillians.

“What,” a flummoxed Mayor Mare could only utter in response.

That was the cue. Dramatically, Under Hoof struck down her roll of parchment and let it roll decisively towards the foot of the dais, revealing a whole length of script written in archaic Equestrian. “The Treaty of Horsedesillas, 494: Her Highness, the Princess Celestia, clearly gives the City of Canterlot rights to all terra nullius found within the Everfree Forest!”

Silence as the audience struggled to comprehend the meaning behind this invocation, save for Twilight who could barely suppress a despondent groan.

“Y-you will have to explain that, Ms. Hoof,” the portly judge admitted, slightly ashamed at dozing through the International Law lectures.

“Of course, Your Lordship. The treaty basically states that Canterlot has possession over all clearings and empty land that appear in the Everfree Forest, beginning 494.”

Mayor Mare suddenly felt the sickening urge to commit the most foul of blasphemies. Princess Celestia, you- !

“Of course,” Under Hoof added carefully, “the 'City of Canterlot' described in the treaty is really just a ceremonial designation nowadays. But it does mean that the entirety of Ponyville, emerging as it was from a clearing in the Everfree Forest, is actually de jure a town subordinate to - and a part of - Canterlot!”

The bespectacled mare smacked her head against the table. “You mean to tell me nopony has thought of revoking this 600-year-old treaty?!” she whined.

“Where do you see a revocation, Mayor.” Under Hoof prodded as she rolled up the fragile antique.

“Well… ” Twilight began tentatively. “The Great Reform Act of 836 arguably rendered all former sub-state treaties obsolete- “

“Where in the Act does it spell that out, Ms. Sparkle,” the Canterlot representative reasserted.

The lavender pony’s intellectual confidence drooped out of sight. “N-nowhere, Ms. Hoof.”

“Exactly.” Under Hoof turned away from her vanquished foes and back to Judge Gastro. “So technically, Zap Apple Jam is produced in Canterlot, and so Canterlot should have the PDO for it instead.”

Mayor Mare held her hooves over her ears in despair.

The law was the law, no matter how ridiculous it seemed. “I-I guess your reasoning has been flawless, Ms. Hoof,” a frowning – but satisfied – Judge Gastro remarked. “I see no legal objection to granting the PDO for Zap Apple Jam to Canterlot. This would, of course, mean that only jam made according to the relevant procedure in Canterlot can be named ‘Zap Apple Jam’.”

The silence of an utter rout for the Ponyville side.

“Any objections?”

More silence.

“Then the meeting is concluded!” Rap.

*

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

“Welcome to Canterlot,” Mayor Mare mumbled to her orange visitor.

“Shucks, Mayor, it ain’t that much to be hung up over,” Applejack consoled gently. “We don’t blame you for that.”

“They should just take over the government and put an end to my misery,” the bespectacled mare moaned as she wiped her desk with her face.

“Sweet Apple Acres’ll survive, don’t you fret.” The farm pony patted the politician’s back a few times. “We still have the best darned jam in Equestria. Ain’t nopony takin’ that fact from us.”

The gray-maned pony lifted up her head. “That’s true, I guess,” she sniffed.

“We’ll need a new name for our stuff, though,” Applejack chuckled. “We ain’t paying no royalties to Canterlot.”

The bespectacled mare could only laugh bitterly at that. “Yes, you will.”

“But then,” the orange mare tapped her cheek in thought. “We don’t want ponies to not recognize what we’ve got. Name’s gotta be someplace similar to the original.”

A small sliver of a memory was floating back into Mayor Mare’s mind. “That’s true.”

“And it’ll be nice if ponies actually knew the jam was made from real Zap Apples,” Applejack continued.

The memory was growing ever clearer. “Ms. Applejack,” Mayor Mare began.

“Yes, Mayor.”

“Why not ‘Zapp Apple Jam’? You know, with an extra ‘P’.”

“’Zapp Apple Jam’, with a ‘P’… ” Applejack mulled the newest suggestion over in her mind. “Ain’t that Carrot Top’s original name for her jam?”

“Think she’s changed it to ‘Zap Carrot Jam’ or something like that.” I need to remember to buy more of that stuff before I get home.

The orange pony frowned, taking off her hat in deep thought. “I-I don’t know about this, Mayor,” she thought out loud. “We’d be selling something that both looks and sounds like the Canterlot product. Feels awfully like stealin’ to me.”

“Nonsense, Ms. Applejack!” Mayor Mare trotted up to the pony, determined to make her see the light. “You made the jam yourself, didn’t you?”

“Well yes, but we can’t just go around stealing the identity of somepony else’s product- “

“Zapp Apple Jam – with a ‘P’ – isn’t the same thing,” the Mayor continued sweetly.

“Yes, but it’s too similar to Canterlot’s- “

“How is it too similar?” Mayor Mare declared, no hint of irony in her voice. “Your jam is natural. Their jam is artificial. Who could possibly mix them up?”

Author's Note

Terra nullius: Land not under the jurisdiction of any country. Antarctica, for example, is terra nullius.
De jure: According to the law. For example, since the English conquest Wales has been considered de jure a part of England (which is why there is no Welsh representation on the UK flag.) [Thanks Melancholy!]

[Particular Inspiration: 1) The weird and wonderful world of PDOs (Protected Designation of Origin) - the EU regulations that control naming of foodstuffs - which, most notoriously, prevents Stilton from making Stilton Cheese. 2) Terra nullius - e.g. land that isn't inhabited by anybody (or at least, anybody relevant) - provided the legal basis for colonization and ownership of virgin territories, for example, in Canada and Australia. 3) Invocation of ancient treaties is relatively common: the Treaty of Tordesillas (1494) was invoked by Argentina to justify their claim to the Falklands in the 1980s. 4) Obviously 'Zapp Apple Jam' is a copyright violation on Earth, but for the sake of a writeable story assume otherwise in Equestria.]

(Thanks to JetstreamGW for raising some points about the exact legal relationship between Ponyville and Canterlot. I changed some of Under Hoof's speech in response.)

S2E13: Baby Cakes

Season 2 Episode 13 – Baby Cakes

Mane Street, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Impending Industrial Action from the Temporary Childcare Union. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

Another day, another political crisis. Mayor Mare sighed as she passed the doors of warm, snuggy Town Hall and into the brutal and unforgiving world of Mane Street. “Typical Babysitters’ Union – and so close to election season as well!”

“Firstly, Ma’am,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon answered her query as he emerged behind her, “it’s the Temporary Childcare Union. TCU. And secondly, you know that looming election times provide the best opportunity for blackmail.”

The bespectacled mare nodded gravely. Given more peaceful times and she’d be laughing at how ridiculous the idea of a Babysitters’ Union sounded. Surely all they did was watch TV and talk about colts!

The bureaucrat, like any worth his salt, anticipated the thought immediately. “I’ve already told you, Ma’am,” he deadpanned. “Babysitters think they have the worst jobs in Equestria.”

“I know that, Mr. Ribbon,” the gray-maned pony said irritably as she set off on a light trot.

Her subordinate, condescendingly, decided to continue. “Snap appointments, constant overtime, terrible working conditions – you do realize that, Ma’am.”

“Cheerie was once a babysitter, you know.”

“So you do realize the impetus behind their picket – their self-proclaimed need to get suitable compensation and recognition for their troubles… ”

Perhaps it was the heat that was making the politician’s fuse shorter than usual. “I know.”

Perhaps it was also the heat that was encouraging Crimson Ribbon to press on with his little lesson. “And you must thus also realize the TCU’s fear of anything that could undermine their bargaining power… ”

I give up. “Mm-hmm.”

“And so we need to make sure that we negotiate a fair deal- “

“Shame! Shame! Shame!”

“Oh!” the Mayor could not have been more relieved to see the noisy picket line in front of Ponyville’s bakery. “We’re here!”

Parting through the increasingly thickening crowd, Mayor Mare reached the barrier of teenage fillies who, hoof-to-hoof, barred the way to the entrance to Sugarcube Corner. “Pay us fair! Show you care!”

Mayor Mare went up to the lines. “Mayor Mare,” she informed the picketer closest to her. “Can you let us in for the negotiations?”

Junebug scrunched up her face. “What took you so long, huh?” she spat in disgust. “Still think we just watch TV and talk about colts?”

“What- I- “ the tan pony let her lower jaw slacken in mock horror. “I would never think such horrible thoughts!”

Junebug was unconvinced. “Hmph,” she said, tilting her head up arrogantly and stepping out to one side. “Go on in.”

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

Mayor Mare waited until the wooden door slammed shut. “Kids these days,” she muttered in disgust.

“What did you say?” a voice – definitively not Crimson Ribbon – replied to her back.

The tan pony spun round, hastily plastering a shaky smile on her face. “Oh, nothing, nothing!” she quickly corrected herself. “So nice to see you!”

The pale white pony narrowed her eyes, extending her hoof nonetheless. “Twinkleshine, Mayor,” she introduced herself briskly. “Rep’ for the TCU.”

“T…CU?” Mayor Mare stuttered. Crimson Ribbon beside her facehoofed.

Twinkleshine’s eyes narrowed even further. “Temporary Childcare Union, Mayor,” she emphasized each word in that annoying teenage way. “I guess we’re not important enough for you to remember our names… ”

“Oh no no no, Ms. Twinkleshine!” the bespectacled mare gripped onto her interlocutor’s hoof and shook it over-enthusiastically. “I just had a bit of an itch on my nose, that’s all, that’s all!”

“Hmph. Sure,” the pink-maned pony rolled her eyes as she stepped a few paces away from this wild reception. But back to business. “Anyway, Mrs. Cake and I here were just wrapping up the discussions over Pinkie Pie’s status. Pinkie Pie joins the TCU, and we end the picket around Sugarcube Corner.”

The tan pony let out a sigh of relief. “Phew!” she sighed. “I’m glad you’ve managed to sort this out like proper adults. So nice to see the Babysitters’ Union- “

Twinkleshine cleared her throat audibly. “Excuse me, Mayor,” she interjected. “It’s the TCU, not the Babysitters’ Union. And we’ve only reached an understanding with Sugarcube Corner. We haven’t started with you yet.”

Darn it, why can’t things EVER be easy?

The TCU Representative continued. “Mayor, we work hard in terrible conditions just for a measly sum. And even now, you want to undercut and cheat us hardworking fillies by importing un-unionized labor?”

“Of course not!” the bespectacled mare was falling back to more defensible positions. “But, Ms. Twinkleshine, you understand that Equestrian law doesn’t allow you to coerce non-unionized ponies into joining your Union!”

Wrong response. Twinkleshine let that implication sink into the minds of all ponies present. “Are you threatening us with prosecution, Mayor?”

Uh oh. “Oh, no no no! That is the last thing on my mind- “

“You know the TCU can escalate, Mayor; you know we can,” the ivory pony growled.

“No no no!” the tan pony’s defensive positions were fast being overrun as Crimson Ribbon could only look sullenly on. “I didn’t mean that, Ms. Twinkleshine; I really didn’t!”

Twinkleshine stared long and hard at her political adversary. “We want to introduce strict regulations for being a babysitter, Mayor. Only the most dedicated and compassionate of ponies will be allowed to take care of other younglings.”

Mayor Mare nodded, perceiving that it was better to act benevolently non-committal than to pester her interlocutor with legal clarifications.

“Obviously,” the pink-maned pony took pains to emphasize, “only as expert an organization as the TCU should have the credentials to decide which ponies have the prerequisite attributes for babysitting.”

The gray-maned pony was going to have a serious talk with Cheerilee about not teaching fillies about legal wizardry.

“We also want a guaranteed raise in wages. Like around 5% per annum,” the TCU representative demanded. “Trust me, that’s not nearly enough compensation for changing soiled baby diapers.”

The Mayor gulped. 5% per annum, regardless of whatever economic conditions were prevailing? That could spell trouble for her popularity – or, somewhat less importantly, Ponyville’s budget. “Umm… ”

“’Umm’ what, Mayor?” Twinkleshine maneuvered aggressively. “Don’t you dare try and weasel out of this!”

“No, no, Ms. Twinkleshine!” the bespectacled mare found herself uttering those defeatist words again. Oh, anything to make this look like less of a complete rout! “We just want… we just want to… “ she looked desperately at Crimson Ribbon for deliverance.

Her subordinate obliged. “You understand we can’t just make these snap decisions on a whim, Ms. Twinkleshine,” he commented. “After all, you don’t want us reneging on your deals because of prior commitments, do you?”

“Pfft. I guessed it. That’s the kind of thing you ponies always do- “

“I’m trying to help here. We just don’t know if agreeing to any of these things will violate the law. After all, you want to see these changes made permanent, don’t you?”

“Well of course we do!” Twinkleshine exclaimed indignantly.

The Secretary for Administration smiled. “Then you’ll need to give us some time to look this over, Ms. Twinkleshine.”

*

Outside Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

“I’ll go back and make a preliminary report on the TCU’s proposed plan,” Crimson Ribbon said as he exited the bakery. “I’m guessing you want to talk to the ponies out here. And for the last time, it’s not the Babysitters’ Union.”

“Sure, sure,” Mayor Mare nodded. “They’d better lift the picket line soon- “

“Mayor!” Twilight Sparkle cantered up to her political mentor. “How are things with the babysitters? Is Pinkie Pie alright? Oh, I’m sure she didn’t mean it, Mayor, I swear by Celestia- “

“She’s fine, Ms. Sparkle,” the tan pony patted her reassuringly. “They’ve sorted it out. We’ve sorted it all out. Now we just need to… “ the politician let her voice drift away as her ears pricked up in concentration.

“Oh, that’s great news, Mayor!” Twilight clapped her hooves happily to an unhearing pony. “And so what are you going to do now…?”

The rest of the magical unicorn’s words were lost to Mayor Mare. All she could hear were words of a much unhappier nature.

“What is the problem with these ponies? I want my pastries NOW!”

“By Celestia, if this goes on for longer, Market Square is going to get clogged up by this stupid strike!”

“I mean, I’m sure their cause is a good one, but this extremist action is wayy over the top!”

“… Ma’am? MAYOR!” Twilight Sparkle was waving a concerned hoof in front of the tan pony. “What’s going on? You totally zoned out!”

“Huh?” the gray-maned pony shook her head. “Oh, I was just thinking of something… I know what to do now, Ms. Sparkle.”

“Oh, really?” the purple pony stared in rapt anticipation. “I just know it’s going to be good, Mayor!”

Mayor Mare smiled in diabolical anticipation. “I will… ” She let the tension build up. “ …reject the babysitters’ new demands!”

The magical mare’s eyes widened, though probably not in amazement at such a brilliant masterstroke. “W-what?!” she stuttered incredulously. “But Mayor, you’re going to make them strike!”

“And that’s the clever plan!” the tan pony brought her hooves together in celebration of her own genius. “You see how annoyed these ponies are at this little picket? Well, can you imagine how ticked off they would be if this escalated into a full-blown strike?”

“B-but… ” Twilight Sparkle wasn’t sure how clueless she should imagine her mentor to be. “They’ll be mad at you, Mayor!”

The gray-maned mare chuckled, tapping Equestria’s savior condescendingly on the head. “Not if I make the Babysitters’ Union take ownership of the strike, Ms. Sparkle!” she revealed. “I’ll reject their demands publicly and force them to react!”

“I- “ at least the whole affair now made more sense to the magical pony. But still- “are ponies going to suffer because you want to make a political point, Mayor?”

“I beg your pardon: it’s more than just a political point!” Mayor Mare scolded. “The government can’t be held to ransom like this! Are we going to cave into every demand if the alternative is strike action?”

“Well, I… ” the unicorn had to admit to herself, she didn’t know enough about this whole babysitting business to make an informed opinion. Some studying and research was in order. “I’m still not convinced. But I see your point.”

Mayor Mare couldn’t resist patronizing Twilight again. “You’ll see the truth soon enough, little filly,” she cooed.

*

Ponyville Broadcasting Station, Ponyville

The Mayor was getting to the end of her speech. “… and that is why, fillies and gentlecolts!” She shook a combative foreleg for emphasis. “That is why we need to fight the unreasonable demands of the Babysitters’ Union! They have pushed too far this time round with their wage increases and monopolistic guarantees! Ponyvillians, we need to send the babysitters a strong message through our solidarity: we will not be taken hostage!”

The broadcasting light switched off. “Stirring words, Mayor,” the station head remarked as he removed his earphones. “I’m sure Ponyville got your message, loud and clear.”

Mayor Mare smiled. “Thanks, Mr. Scratch,” she said as she left the room to talk to-

“What the hay are you DOING!” an enraged Cheerilee stuck her head in front of the Mayor, a seated Crimson Ribbon sinking his head between his hooves behind her. “You think this is some darned JOKE!”

The tan pony turned defensive. “And that is why I always keep my political plans a secret from you, Cheerilee!” she yelled back. “You never see the value of what I’m doing!”

“What, I- “ the face on the schoolteacher’s face was rapidly darkening. “You know what? I don’t even why I vote for you. You’re an idiot, I swear to Celestia… ”

“Please, both of you,” two strong hooves came between feuding mother and daughter as the Secretary for Administration separated them. “Let’s not escalate any further.”

The steadying effect of a stranger had an effect on the brewing storm. Both mares took a deep breath and stepped back from the brink, still regarding each other with frosty glares not seen since rebellious years.

Crimson Ribbon turned towards his superior, a look of disappointment written all over his face. “You could have informed me of what you were going to do, Mayor,” he groaned softly. “I daresay this speech has been a major faux pas on your part.”

“Urgh!” the tan pony threw her forelegs up in the air. “Look, unlike you unelected officials, I need to show the voters that I’m not afraid of picking a fight when Ponyville’s interests are at stake! What the babysitters are demanding is clearly unjustified!”

Cheerilee facehoofed in despair. “Oh, by Celestia, she still thinks… oh, you are a- “

“Ms. Cheerilee,” the gray stallion cautioned. He turned back to Mayor Mare, shaking his head in pure exasperation. “Ma’am, you think this is just about the babysitters’, don’t you.”

The bespectacled mare didn’t get what was so wrong here. “Well, sure. They’re the ones who are making the demands… “

“The TCU isn’t just babysitters, Mom,” Cheerilee interrupted.

“... and I don’t mean any- “ Uh oh. “What.”

“TCU. Temporary Childcare Union. It’s a Federation of Trade Unions, of which the Babysitters’ Union is only one.”

Silence as Mayor Mare imagined her metaphorical jaw hitting the floor. It was just as painful as the real thing.

“Well,” she whispered, voice resonating around the deathly-quiet hallway. “Who else is in the TCU, then?”

Cheerilee held her spinning head and groaned in despair.

“Any labor organization to do with temporary childcare,” Crimson Ribbon carefully elaborated. “Teachers. Nurses. Doctors. You’ve just declared war on all of them.”

The tan pony’s heart flopped limply onto the linoleum. “B-but then, the TCU were threatening Ponyville with a strike. That’s clearly holding us to ransom… ”

“Each Union decides whether they want to join in or not in practice,” the cerise mare’s muffled voice emerged from behind her forelegs. “And we don’t usually co-ordinate that well, precisely because the impact would be so big on Ponyville.”

More silence.

“We’d… we’d better call the T-TCU back up, then,” a sweating Mayor Mare stammered.

“We should.” Crimson Ribbon headed for a nearby phone. “What terms are you offering?”

“T-terms? Oh, terms. Any terms. Anything to get me out of here!” the Mayor howled in agony.

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) While many countries prevent unions from coercing workers, there are numerous sub-legal ways to circumvent the law. 2) Resisting unions is seen as a way of 'looking tough' (Reagan, Thatcher in the 1980s). 3) Trade Union Federations (like the TUC in the UK) can encompass many walks of life and thus have large bargaining power against government (perhaps 1970s UK as an example). 4) While hopefully no individual on Earth makes policy without adequate consultation, parties and parliaments as a whole frequently commit the same error (for example, Republican bills that violate Constitutional principles).]

S2E14: The Last Roundup

Season 2 Episode 14 – The Last Roundup

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Securing Our Promised Cash. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

Town Hall was always busy at the best of times –let not anypony insinuate otherwise! – but today was going to be busier than most. It was that time of term again.

The daily agenda fluttered out of Mayor Mare’s grip as a rogue gust surged into the room. “Ma’am,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon bowed at the doorway.

“Mr. Ribbon.”

The bureaucrat proceeded immediately to business. “Legislative Council has just declared recess for the remainder of the term. Election season is beginning.”

The tan pony snorted derisively. “LegCo hasn’t done anything for a month now.”

Only a shrug in response. “Non-incumbents have already begun their campaigns half a year in advance, Mayor. A Councilor who is stupid enough to stay on the job is a Councilor who is definitely going to lose his seat.”

His superior sighed. “Sure, sure. Come to think of it, I need to start thinking about election as well.”

“That’s political business, Ma’am, and has got nothing to do with the Government.”

“I need cash, Mr. Ribbon,” the gray-maned pony overrode the Secretary for Administration’s protestations. “And have needed it ever since Filly Buster’s Equestrian Party turned traitor on me.”

“As I said, Ma’am, that’s political business, and has nothing to do with- “

“Election?” Mayor Mare raised an eyebrow quizzically. “What election? Oh, no no no, this cash isn’t for the election, Mr. Ribbon. This cash is for rebuilding Town Hall!”

The gray stallion’s slapped a hoof to his forehead. “Oh!” he exclaimed. “Yes, we do indeed need the cash for Town Hall! Well-remembered, Ma’am.”

“It isn’t that hard to remember.” The gray-maned pony glanced at the hole in the ceiling above, barely covered by a few loose planks. “In any case: I want to push a couple of ideas past you, Mr. Ribbon.”

“As you wish, Ma’am.”

“So I was thinking of this two-pronged solution regarding our funding,” the tan pony proposed. “Firstly, we hold a public donation drive to fix Town Hall. Then we’ll also ask Ms. Applejack for the money she promised.”

A sly smile spread across the bureaucrat’s face. “Good ideas, Ma’am. Though I was wondering if this meant getting double of what we need to fix the building… ”

“Budgets inflate, Mr. Ribbon,” the tan pony remarked. “It definitely has nothing to do with my election campaign whatsoever, I assure you.”

The bureaucrat chuckled, a willing – or at least, not-opposing – partner to this little charade. “Of course not, Ma’am. Of course not.”

*

Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville

“Sorry, Mayor,” Applejack denied the request out-of-hoof. “But I don’t recall sayin’ anythin’ ‘bout repayment.”

The Mayor frowned. “Ms. Applejack, you’re known for your honesty! How could you possibly tell such a bare-faced lie as- “

“I didn’t promise to bring back cash,” the orange pony hastily noted, very sensitive to any criticism of her integrity. “I said ‘you betcha I’ll bring it back’ or somethin’ like that. Now if I had the money, Celestia knows I’d give it to you in a heartbeat. But I don’t.”

The tan pony shook her head. “’You betcha’ is basically promising, Ms. Applejack.”

“You can make bad bets, Mayor. Else Las Pegasus wouldn’t be so rich.”

The gray-maned pony could only grimace frustratedly in response.

“Now to be fair, Mayor.” The country pony was willing to reconcile. “It’s not like I fulfilled my real promise either. I didn’t do Ponyville proud.”

“Oh, don’t say that,” Mayor Mare lied. “You did your best.”

Applejack looked towards the distant hills, a pensive mood coming over her. “Serves me right for runnin’ my mouth, I guess,” she mused. “Had no idea that the others were so strong!”

That made Mayor Mare furrow her brows again. “So strong?” she asked. “Ms. Applejack, you’re no wet noodle!”

“Urgh, I thought that too.” The farm mare groaned, unpleasant memories rearing their ugly heads. “But you should have seen those Manehattan cowponies, Mayor! Sweet Celestia, they threw those bales twice, three times as far as I did! And the races… oh, the races… ” Applejack drew her Stetson over her face, the shame of her weak performance too much for her to bear.

Motherly instincts got the better of the Mayor. “Oh, come now, Ms. Applejack,” she cooed, patting the country mare on the back. “You did your best… we’re all proud of you- wait.” A thought suddenly struck her head. “Are you saying that the winners were all from Manehattan?”

“Most of them,” Applejack sniffed. “Includin’ all the events I was in.”

“But that’s impossible!” Mayor Mare responded in astonishment. “Manehattan doesn’t even farm!”

Logic was beyond the orange pony at this moment. “Oh, I really am that useless, am I?” She began to sob.

This contrasted with the tan pony’s euphoria. “Never fear, Ms. Applejack!” Mayor Mare swung a foreleg in determination. “The Government will make sure that justice is served!”

*

Town Hall Atrium, Ponyville

Mayor Mare’s suspicions were confirmed as soon as the first members of the Manehattan Rodeo Squad got out of the carriages.

She observed one particularly… interesting specimen. She – or he? – was a white pegasus, though one would be tempted to classify otherwise on account of her/his improbably tiny wings. Improbably muscular, built and compact, there was no possible method by which she/he could have attained such a body mass, not even counting for the fact that she/he had a dumbbell Cutie Mark on her flank.

But the bespectacled mare needed proof. “Remember, Ms. Sparkle,” she muttered. This time round, the Mayor was sharing her hunches with her protege.

The lavender mare winked. “Ready when you are.”

“Here goes.” The tan pony took a deep breath. “Welcome to Ponyville, Manehattan Rodeo Squad! I’m Mayor Mare, and let me just say: what an honor it is to receive you all!” She stepped forward and shook the hoof of the lead pony. “Truly an honor, Coach Hoofner!”

“Thank you, Mayor. An honor indeed!” the normal-looking stallion – but then, he wasn’t an athlete – returned the greeting as he guided his team into the atrium, now converted into a temporary dining hall. “Most places get a bit… turned off by our ponies, you see. And the athletes’ don’t like talking much, because… well, they just don’t like talking much.”

The bespectacled mare fully understood what he meant. “I see. Well, a celebratory dinner first, and then we’ll go out and meet the citizens!”

“Thank you, Mayor,” the stallion bowed as he took his seat on the Head Table. The Mayor, Twilight and Applejack followed suit.

The Manehattan Rodeo Squad filed into seats set around other tables, with not a single word being uttered in the process. The seats creaked ominously under their incredible masses.

Ding ding! “Welcome again, Manehattan Rodeo Squad!” Mayor Mare put on her cheeriest voice. “And once more, what an honor it is to receive you here in Ponyville! Now, I know we’ve had our rivalries before- “ she gestured in the direction of a blushing Applejack, “ –but trust me, we’re not out to steal your secrets tonight!”

She paused for effect. The only effect that bounced back was a sullen quietude.

Unwelcome cold sweat at her nape, the bespectacled mare turned uneasily towards Mr. Hoofner. “Was my joke that bad?” she whispered.

“They just don’t like laughing,” came the apologetic reply.

“Uh, right.” The gray-maned pony turned back towards the audience. “Anyway, I hope you’ll have a great time in Ponyville, and I wish you the best of luck in your future competitions!”

Polite applause as waiters streamed in with steaming plates of the Apples’ best. Mayor Mare saw her cue. “Now, Ms. Sparkle.”

The purple pony nodded and got up from her seat. “Uh, sorry everypony!” she announced. “I need the washroom: excuse me!” And before anypony could stop her, she had already teleported off.

The gray-maned pony facehoofed. Twilight was not the best of spies.

Coach Hoofner’s quizzical expression was rapidly soothed by the appearance of hot crumble. “Oh lovely, Mayor!” he exclaimed as he tucked in like a ravenous timberwolf.

The tan pony chuckled. “Only Ponyville’s finest for the- “

“Pah!” Coach Hoofner suddenly spat out the pastry, his face whitening precipitously as he did so. He swiftly grabbed a napkin to dabble his brow, bits of undigested crust still on his lips.

“Oh, by Celestia, Coach!” Applejack dropped her meal and scrambled towards the seemingly-paralyzed stallion. “Is it our food? Is there something wrong? Answer me, Coach…!”

Wide-eyed, the orange pony looked up and realized that she was the only one speaking in an utterly, utterly soundless room. The Manehattan Rodeo athletes were as still as Coach Hoofner was, eyes widening with every repeated chew.

Mayor Mare dared not say anything, hoping against hope that Manehattan wasn’t about to accuse her of foul machinations against the Squad. Well, to be fair, she was setting up machinations – after all, Twilight was now busy casting steroid-detecting magic in the johns – but they weren’t foul, not by a long shot!

The atmosphere was still pretty much dead. “C-coach?” Applejack approached the trembling and sweating stallion on tiphoof. “Coach, you okay?”

Coach Hoofner moaned in agony and sank further into his seat.

The athletes were still chewing, apparently struck dumb by the taste. The bespectacled mare darted, with increasing dread, between the surreal scenes occurring in front of her.

At this critical juncture, the deep, low boom of a voice broke the horrible tension, saying aloud the thought that was on every athlete’s mind. “You know, this tastes different.”

Mayor Mare swiftly turned towards the source of the deliverance, barely managing to stifle a surprised yelp as she did so. It was a mare. A mare!

Of all the ways to confirm her suspicions, this unintended method was by far the most embarrassing, the most nerve-wracking, and just generally the worst.

But there was no going back. The athletes’ tables broke into an uproar as mares and stallions – though one could hardly differentiate – began sharing the information over and over again, as if it was the passcode to Tartaros. “Tastes sweeter than normal!” “Best crumble I’ve eaten in ages!” “I knew the food back in camp was off!” “Wait, does that mean Snowflake’s theory was- “

As abruptly as it began, the tables fell silent again as another common thought shot through every athlete’s mind. Coach Hoofner’s audible hyperventilation, once concealed by the tumult happening before him, became painfully evident.

Redoubtable Applejack decided to try again. “C-coach… ”

The stallion gave a sudden yelp, to which the startled orange pony quickly added her own scream as she scampered back into her chair. Coach Hoofner’s back jolted further into his seat, unbalancing him and sending his bulk crashing onto the ground in a dramatic faint.

Despite every instinct to the contrary, nopony could react in any other way than to gawp impotently at the improbable scene, their brains desperately trying to make sense of the situation-

“I knew it!” a stallion shouted from the athletes’ table. “Coach Hoofner, you total… ”

His irascible profanities were drowned out as the athletes’ table burst back into life, the ponies’ indignation increasing with each additional second, their volume propelling upwards with every new conversation… “He doped us!” “Snowflake was right!” “I can’t believe Manehattan would do this to us!“

“Ponies! PONIES!” Mayor Mare shrieked vainly amidst the developing din. “Get me a megaphone, Applejack!” she ordered to the confused orange pony, who quickly obliged. “Ponies! Ponies! What, in the name of Celestia… what is going on?!”

These Manehattanites are sure receptive to authority, the Mayor thought as the hall quietened down almost immediately on her word. “Manehattan Rodeo Team, can somepony explain to me what just happened?”

That white pegasus that the politician had earlier observed suddenly stood up. “They’ve betrayed us, Mayor!” she/he roared, eyes bulging out in fiery hatred. “I told all you ponies! Manehattan sold us out!”

“Betrayed? Sold you out?” Like an actress in a play, Mayor Mare dutifully played out her part. “Whatever do you mean, ponies?”

“They’ve doped us!” Another athlete bellowed, eyes brimming with hot tears. “Roids in our food, Mayor: Snowflake was right! They’ve turned us into these… these freaks just to win a few blue ribbons- “

“Hang on!” Applejack’s mind suddenly skidded to a halt. “You mean, you ponies cheated?”

“W-we didn’t know!” These Manehattanites were actually surprisingly thin-skinned for their size. “It was o-only w-when we… we ate this s-stuff that w-we r-realized!”

Now it was Mayor Mare’s brain that skidded to a halt. “You didn’t… know?”

“We didn’t, Mayor, we swear!” the white pegasus fearfully screamed out again. “They blamed it on the smog and the food budget!”

“Well… I… ” the tan pony lowered her head in contemplation as her heart did a little happy jig inside of her. “Well this is unexpected… we certainly will discuss this with Manehattan after we send you back- ”

“NO!” the table shook as the Manehattan athletes all imposed their decision on the gray-maned pony. “No! We are not going back to Manehattan!”

It took Mayor Mare a few seconds to recover from the reverberations. “Ok, ok!” she backpedaled as she made calming gestures to the audience. “I was just thinking that Manehattan was your home, and you would… ”

“What kind of home does this to its own ponies?!” the white pegasus thundered again. “Celestia as my witness: Manehattan is not my home!”

“Yeah! Yeah!” the other members of the team stomped and clamored in incensed agreement. “Manehattan is not my home!”

The already-shaky foundations of Town Hall creaked and groaned under the stupendous assault. Mayor Mare fearfully eyed the spidery cracks racing up the walls. “Alright, alright!” she quickly deployed another soothing gesture. “We won’t send you back to Manehattan. You can- “

“Please, Mayor!” the white mare/stallion rushed towards the tan pony and prostrated herself/himself as low as she/he could go, which was still not very far on account of those well-grown muscles. “Please, only Ponyville’s been willing to play fair at all!” Please, please, Mayor; please accept us into your town!”

Mayor Mare smiled. “Of course, uh... ”

“Snowflake,” the mare – that was definitely a mare’s name – replied. “Or Roid Rage- “ that was definitely a stallion’s name – “ –if you don’t mind.”

“Of course, um… Ms. Snowflake. Uh, no,” Mayor Mare backed off as she saw Roid Rage ready to pounce on her in pure gratitude. “Just, um… I think you might have a few words to say to our Ms. Applejack…?”

“Aw, shucks, Mayor,” the orange pony chuckled, always somewhat embarrassed to be at the center of attention. “No need. I reckon these ponies have had enough today… ”

“Ms. Applejack.”

“ …oh! But I was wonderin’ about the prize money that you ponies won. And the ribbons.”

“Of course, of course!” Snowflake slammed her/his head on the ground a couple more times, simply glad to just have a new place to call home.

Mayor Mare smiled, gingerly extending a hoof of friendship. “In that case, I hereby welcome the former Manehattan Rodeo team as the newest citizens of Ponyville- “

A sudden burst of purple magic as Twilight Sparkle suddenly re-materialized from the ether. “Phew, Mayor; you wouldn’t believe how long it- what?!” the unicorn’s eyes dilated at the strange scene in front of her: the Mayor about to shake hooves with an androgynous pegasus; the Manehattan Rodeo Team quivering and shaking with anticipation behind him; the coach fainted on the floor some ways to the side of all this, unnoticed and uncared-for by anypony… “What in Celestia’s name happened?!”

Applejack giggled like a small filly. “Oh, Twi’; you are in for a hay of a story!”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) The way prospective election candidates usually resign from their posts early to begin campaigning (e.g. Hillary Clinton?). 2) Steroid abuse (sometimes unknowingly) of Olympic athletes from Communist countries, most notably in East Germany. 3) Athletic defections from Communist countries (e.g. Comaneci, Navratilova, Puskas, Karolyi)]

S2E15: Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

Season 2 Episode 15 – Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

Friendship Express to Canterlot, West Phalia

The Agenda:

1. Royal Inquest into Allegations Concerning the Equestrian Rodeo. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

3. Win Election! [ ]

Gallop Poll: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 15% /BUSTER (EQA) 14% /MARE (IND) 11% (±5%)

Applejack caught Mayor Mare glancing nervously at her daily agenda again. “Gee, Mayor,” the orange pony chuckled knowingly. “Don’t sweat those numbers. Plenty of time to catch up.”

The tan pony groaned at this unwelcome reminder of the challenges ahead. “It’s momentum that counts this early in the campaign, Ms. Applejack,” she explained. “Trail too consistently behind, and ponies will think that I have no chance. Becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, you see.”

“Right,” the country mare muttered in semi-comprehension. “In any case, Mayor, you’ve been lookin’ out for us Apples; count on our backing one hundred percent.”

“Thank you, Ms. Applejack.”

“On the other hoof,” the farmer teased, “the whole thing with Flim and Flam was a bit… suspicious, Mayor.”

The bespectacled mare bolted up straight as an unwelcome jolt coursed through her spine. “B-but you won in the end, Ms. Applejack… r-right?”

The orange pony couldn’t help but snicker at the thought of having scared the politician so thoroughly. “It was a joke, Mayor.”

“O-Oh!” the gray-maned pony exclaimed in relief, nevertheless seeking to get out of this topic as soon as possible. “Anyway, Ms, Applejack: excited about getting your rightful medals from the Equestrian Rodeo?”

The farm mare tilted her head in confusion. “I thought the Princess was gon’ judge on it today. Least, that’s why I came.”

“Oh, Ms. Applejack! We’ve got the confessions from the Manehattan Rodeo Team, we’ve got the urine and blood samples – there’s simply no way Her Highness will judge otherwise!”

“Hm. In that case, I’m definitely lookin’ forward to that,” the country mare admitted. “Hope you’ll also be gettin’ the boost you need for your campaign.”

“Oh, how cynical!” the Mayor scolded in mock anger. “This trip isn’t about me at all; it’s about you…!”

*

Friendship Express to Ponyville, West Phalia

The Agenda:

Royal Inquest into Allegations Concerning the Equestrian Rodeo. [✓]

2. Addressing the Cider Shortage. [ ]

3. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

4. Win Election! [ ]

Applejack turned out to be wrong on both counts. And now, triumphant blue ribbons round her neck, she sat slumped on the side of the carriage, gazing morosely at the speeding landscape beyond. She was, above all else, annoyed beyond compare.

Yet a clearly uncomfortable Mayor Mare had no other choice but to tread on the farmer’s nerves. “Ms. Applejack… ”

“What.”

“We need to talk about the continuing cider shortage… “

“No.”

An uneasy pause. The politician could do little else besides another try.

“Ms. Applejack… ”

“Consarnit, stop talkin’!” the orange pony yelled, whacking the side of the carriage to reinforce her point.

The bespectacled mare shrank back from confrontation.

The country pony exhaled angrily and continued resolutely avoiding eye contact. No further sound besides the bump of the rails and the whistle of the wind.

Great, Mayor Mare thought in frustration. The media sure picked the best time to hound me over that cider issue. Now Applejack won’t even…

Applejack sighed again, somewhat calmer, somewhat gentler than before. “Sorry, Mayor,” she tentatively apologized. “I shouldn’t have done that. I was just unhappy by how that press conference turned out.”

“I understand, Ms. Applejack.”

“I thought they were goin’ to ask me about the medals – but no, it just had to be the darned cider shortage, over and over again!” the farmer groused as she knocked on the wall again. “I’ve already told them a million times: we Apples can’t make enough for all of Ponyville!”

“I know.” Mayor Mare chose her words gingerly, desiring vocabulary that would subtract from the orange pony’s considerable pool of disgruntlement.

Applejack let another exhalation. “Well, no point in dodging the question,” she mumbled darkly. “What were you goin’ to say about the cider.”

“Um,” the bespectacled mare chose her words even more gingerly. “I was wondering if Flim and Flam could come back to Po- “

“No.”

The politician’s ears drooped. “But as you said, Sweet Apple Acres can’t produce enough- “

“No, Mayor!” the country mare shouted once more, her temper briefly flaring up beyond the control of reason.

A chastened Mayor retreated again from confrontation.

Another few seconds of quietude as Applejack cooled off. “Look, Mayor,” she stated, determinedly putting the lid on any further explosions. “I ain’t no foal. Celestia knows I saw how much pressure them journalists were givin’ you. And I know this machine will solve Ponyville’s problem. But Sweet Apple Acres is the largest employer in Ponyville, and you’ll only lose if we go down because of this cider business.”

The gray-maned pony reclined further into her seat. That was not the answer she was looking for. Oh, her campaign had gotten off to such a terrible start with that press conference – being ironically inundated with demands to end the cider drought – and by Celestia, failure here would most certainly sink her…

Hmm.

Applejack turned towards the politician. “No response?”

No response. The farm pony’s eyes narrowed.

“Actually, Ms. Applejack,” the bespectacled mare thought out loud. “What’s your price?”

“Price?” the orange pony was fast raising her voice again. “We ain’t gonna- !”

“Shh!” Mayor Mare put a hoof over her own lips. “Let me give you a suitable offer… ”

*

Flim and Flam Tools, Manehattan

“So here’s the deal, both of you.” Mayor Mare looked sternly at both Applejack and the Flim Flam brothers. “With this, Sweet Apple Acres will enter into a joint venture with Flim and Flam tools: the Apples will supply the required raw materials, while the Brothers will process said materials into apple cider. The resulting product will be sold under the Sweet Apple Acres name.”

The tan pony slid two stacks of legalese over to the contracting parties. “The Ponyville Government does sincerely hope that both of you will reach an agreement for the benefit of the community.”

The red-maned stallions regarded each other. “What do you say, Flim?” the mustachioed sibling ventured.

“Well I believe, Flam, that we can get more from this,” came the cautious reply. “After all, we’re not getting any name recognition from our product! And worse, what if the Apples try and ruin our good name by lowering the quality of their cider?”

“Heh,” Applejack forcibly restrained herself from leaping at the dapper stallions opposite her – that would certainly not help the Mayor or herself. “If we wanted to get rid of y’all, we wouldn’t have invited you back to Ponyville.”

“Ponyville is a very big market, Misters,” Mayor Mare reminded the wavering stallions. “You saw the crowds. They all want cider.”

“Mayor’s really givin’ y’all a treat, you ponies,” the orange pony continued. “Election season, you know. Opportunity. Might never come again.”

“The Government’s giving you so many benefits,” the bespectacled mare added on the pressure. “Free land, low taxes, even your own carnival band… ”

Success as a glint flashed across the Brothers’ eyes. “Moment to discuss among ourselves, Mayor?” Flim asked.

The tan pony smiled and nodded. Flim grabbed Flam as they scuttled to the corner of the room, whispering and chattering animatedly to each other.

Mayor Mare upped the ante. “Oh, Ms. Applejack,” she commented loudly enough, “I so desperately need the new jobs that this deal would bring.”

“Not to mention the extra cider you need to keep them ponies happy,” the country mare observed audibly.

“And I really, really need somepony to take me up on this deal!” the politician whined in exasperation. “Really, it doesn’t matter whether it’s the Brothers or somepony else- “

“Deal!” Flam declared from the other corner of the room.

“ – and maybe Mr. Rich would be less… deal?!” the tan pony turned, seemingly incredulously, to the stallions. “Did I hear you say what I wanted to hear you say?”

"Yes, Ma’am!” In one graceful movement, Flam took the boating hat off his head and swooped it round an arc, his body bending low in a bow. “As the world-famous Flim Flam Brothers, we simply must have a presence in Ponyville!”

Flim followed suit. “How could we possibly stand aside and see innocent ponies suffer from this terrible drought!”

“Indeed, brother of mine! Ponyville needs us to deliver, and we must come to the rescue!” the mustachioed pony responded, rapidly leading his brother into impromptu song.

“See these poor, poor ponies

And their poor, poor aches,

And their mouths, so desp’rate for our fare!”

“Oh, brother, we must answer,

Hour after hour,

Each single thirsty mare!”

“With this fine, fine machine

And this bright, bright gleam

There is none, who will not smile and beam!”

“Let’s join in this scheme,

And we’ll start up the steam,

And fulfill every hopeful dream!”

Applejack covered her ears as the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 in front of them abruptly erupted into life. “Sheesh, Mayor; where’d the band come from?!” she shouted over the music.

“Government subsidy!” Mayor Mare yelled back, her own hooves muffling the outside world. “Don’t you remember?”

*

Ponyville Brownfield Site, Ponyville

“Hmm, hmm, hmm… ” Twilight hummed happily. Everything was going perfectly in Ponyville. No angry ponies, no rampaging mutants, no celestial disasters. For a unicorn who was, theoretically at least, campaigning for re-election, that had to be a good thing...

“Come on now, Twi’,” Applejack reminded her friend as she prepared to knock on the door of the shed. “We got business.”

“Oh, of course.” The magical unicorn cleared her throat. “Sorry.”

The orange pony chuckled. “It’s fine.” Rattle rattle rattle as the corrugated iron door resonated uneasily.

The door slid open and two heads poked out in response. “Ah, if it isn’t Applejack!” Flam declared happily. “Are you already delivering our next bunch of apples?”

“Uh, no, actually,” the country mare replied with a dry laugh. “During all the singin’ and everythin’ – which was totally fun, of course – we forgot a tiny detail.”

The lavender pony put on a pair of glasses. “Hi, Mr. Flim and Mr. Flam!” Twilight said in her best bureaucrat impression. “You may remember me as Ms. Sparkle from the government - I need to do a few minor checks of your machine. Just to make sure your contraption meets Health and Safety regulations.”

“And ‘cause of, you know, previous history,” the farmer added, “I need to make sure the product is A-ok as well.”

“It’s routine,” her friend added. “Definitely not just aimed at both of you.”

Applejack nodded in agreement.

Flim turned to his brother. “Dear brother, what say you?”

“I see no problem, dear Flim! Come on in, you two!”

The clangs and rachets of industry sharpened as the two mares entered the cavernous building. In the middle of it all was the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, happily gobbling up the mountain of apples next to it and disgorging barrel after barrel of cider off its back. Even now, Twilight could hardly believe the speed at which the engine was performing its task – and all without pony assistance as well!

Flim and Flam snickered at the gawping visages of their guests. “Speedy has that effect on a lot of ponies,” Flam boasted.

“I bet,” the Mayor’s protégé mumbled in awe, curiosity fast covering all other thought. “Anyway, Misters, I will need you to stop production for a while in order for me to check the whole engine for inspection. Now relax, I’ve done this many, many times,” she hastily reassured. “I’ve never failed before.”

Applejack took up the baton. “In the meantime, Sirs, I need to ask you some questions about the operating processes of this machine. Input/Output ratio, process, energy consumption, that sort of thing.”

“Alright, but… wait. What has input/output ratio got to do with quality assurance?” Flim asked suspiciously.

“Uh, well… ” The orange pony slunk back shiftily. “Umm… ”

“It’s to make sure that you’re not trying to cheat consumers out of cider,” Twilight called back, still waiting for the machine to power down. “You know, because of last time.”

“Oh.” Flim’s ears drooped at the reminder. “I admit, we were a bit… overzealous then, Ms. Applejack. I hope this won’t hurt our partnership.”

“No, no; it’s fine,” the orange pony waved a carefree hoof around. “Now why don’t we just, uh, discuss these questions outside? Gets mighty noisy when Twi’- I mean, Ms. Sparkle – here does her inspection.”

“Why, of course!” the brothers answered in unison. “Anything to make sure our newest venture is a success!”

“Thanks, ponies.” Applejack opened the door. “Uh, Tw- Ms. Sparkle, we’re leavin’!”

“Noted, Ms. Applejack!” the magical mare responded, making a few perfunctory knocks at the metal casing. “I’ll inform you ponies when I’m done!”

Applejack winked as she slid shut the iron doors. Twilight gave a few waves, before quickly reaching into her saddlebags and whipping out several rolls of drafting paper.

“Alright, Twilight.” The bookish mare rubbed her hooves in rapt anticipation as a lavender aura surrounded the now-silent contraption. “Let’s see how well you crammed Mechanical Engineering.”

*

Mayor Mare’s Office, Ponyville

Mayor Mare gave another snort of impatience. “I don’t need to give you a reason, Misters Flim and Flam,” she declared harshly. “The government has ended this joint venture unilaterally. We will pay the penalty for early termination.”

The voice on the other side of the line was annoyingly insistent. “But your inspectors gave us the highest seal of approval, Mayor!” Flam whined. “And Ponyville needs our assistance!”

“Needed your assistance, Misters,” the bespectacled mare declared. “Cider production is now soaring to the point of glut. The venture is now redundant.”

“Why is it soar- “ A sudden silence over the line. “Oh by Celestia, don’t tell me Sweet Apple Acres copied our- “

“I need an answer, Misters,” the gray-maned pony cut off further damaging – though totally correct – speculation. “You can quit now and receive a nice lump sum as part of our severance agreement, or you can stay and be accused of squatting on government land – which carries a sentence of imprisonment, may I remind you.”

Silence. “Well?” Mayor Mare pressed.

A sigh. “Alright. We accept the early termination.”

The tan pony smiled. “Thank you, Misters. Expect the money tomorrow.”

And even before she had put down the receiver, the Mayor had already thought of the best way to spin this story: Mayor Mare defeats another hostile takeover from the Flim Flam Brothers…

“Thanks, Mayor.”

The bespectacled mare turned round to see an orange mare – of course, Applejack’s still here – beaming as brightly as the laws of physics would allow.

“Thanks, Mayor. I knew you had our back.”

Mayor Mare smiled. This is a good start to election. “Only for the Apples, Ms. Applejack. Only for the Apples.”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Unwelcome press conferences ostensibly called for one issue, but in reality used to discuss another - recent David Cameron + Obama press conference being dominated by questions over NSA leaks. 2) The story is a simplified version of alleged Chinese industry espionage (as described by 'China Inc.' by Ted Fishman), using joint ventures to gain access to high-level technology for state-owned companies. 3) Flim and Flam sing to the tune of 'The Trolley Song' (from 'Meet Me in St. Louis'), more specifically the part where Judy Garland starts singing ('With my high starched collar...').]

S2E16: Read It and Weep

Season 2 Episode 16 – Read It And Weep

The Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Keep current momentum. [ ]

2. Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

3. Win Election! [ ]

GALLOP POLL: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 16% /BUSTER (EQA) 16% /MARE (IND) 17% (±5%)

“Things are looking good, Ma’am,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon observed, handing over the daily agenda to his superior. “Third-place to first. Momentum is on your side.”

“As it really should,” Mayor Mare smiled as she received the delectable news. “I mean, I keep Ponyville safe, right?”

The gray stallion shrugged. “Hubris will lead to your downfall, Ma’am.”

“Of course, of course,” the tan pony waved off the advice. “In any case, we need to find a way to keep this wave going.”

“Indeed.”

“So the first thing is to eliminate the things that would make us lose momentum!” The politician decisively banged her hoof on the desk. “Government scandals. Unpopular programs. All that stuff.”

The bureaucrat nodded sagely. “Wise words, Ma’am.”

“Thank you, Mr. Ribbon.” The gray-maned mare smiled. “Now I assume we aren’t so stupid as to introduce tax increases or slash benefits during this time of year?”

The Secretary for Administration smiled and shook his head.

“Thought so.” The tan pony leant back in her chair. “So the main issue will be employee checks. Criminal records. Skeletons in the closet. Bedroom secrets, even. We must be thorough.”

“Indeed, Ma’am.”

“Good!” Mayor Mare beamed as she stood up. “Obviously, if such ponies exist, we must do everything possible to neuter the political damage – including summary dismissal, if need be.”

“I’m sure that Ponyville’s Civil Service is squeaky-clean as ever,” the gray stallion commented as he headed for the exit. “I shall send you the outline for the employee review in a few hours. Good day to you, Ma’am.”

*

Weather Manager’s Office, skies above Ponyville

PONYVILLE CIVIL SERVICE TRIBUNAL

AN OBLIGATORY SUMMONS

FOR: Miss Rainbow Dash

WITH REGARDS TO: A reported instance of petty theft in Ponyville Hospital

PLEASE SCHEDULE YOUR APPEARANCE WITH THE REGISTRAR

“Not good, not good, not good!” Rainbow Dash mumbled as she flew around and around her office, leaving a mess of paper in her wake.

How naïve of her to think that all her troubles had ended, the moment Twilight Sparkle took Dr. Stable aside for a little chat! The pegasus’ actions may have been quietly forgiven, but of course the Hospital had to keep records of what had happened. And now somepony had fished them out to her detriment.

“Oh, what am I going to do, what am I going to do!” The cyan pegasus’ mutterings had turned into a desperate wail. Rainbow Dash, so soon after the Mare-Do-Well affair, was staring at the prospect of jail – and even worse, being jobless – again. Her luck was bound to run out at some point.

“Oh, think, think, think, Rainbow!” The weathermare scrunched up her face in search of solutions. “Twilight… maybe Twilight can- ARGH!“ she knocked herself on the head angrily for even considering it. Who was she to be asking Twilight to save her yet again? Hadn’t the unicorn done more than enough? No: this time round, Rainbow Dash was going to solve the problem herself, or else face the music like a pegasus.

So what could Rainbow Dash do to save herself from dismissal?

“Think, Rainbow! Come on, come on, come on… !”

One: if I’m gonna not get fired by the Mayor, I’m gonna have to find something so that she HAS to keep me here.

Two: that means I’m gonna have to find something she wants.

Three: we’ve got an election now, so the Mayor obviously wants popularity… or maybe…

The prismatic mare skidded to a halt in mid-air, so struck by a wonderful idea that one could almost see the lightbulb above her head. Quick as a flash, she darted over to the weather schedule, still miraculously pinned to the wall despite the whirlwind that had been stirring for the past ten minutes or so.

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened and she cackled with glee as her mind began to nurture this germ of a scheme.

Yes, Rainbow Dash could offer something that Mayor Mare wanted very much.

*

Market Square, Ponyville

Celestia herself could not have hoped for a brighter and sunnier day. The stalls in Market Square were more bunched up than usual, occupying only half the square. The vendors didn’t mind much: occasions like these were always good for business.

“Citizens of Ponyville!” Lyra Heartstrings announced from the meticulously-constructed stage. “I come here, on behalf of the Equine Party, to ask for your vote today! Lyra Heartstrings – A Vote for Change!”

The crowd was insatiable. “Ly-ra! Ly-ra! Ly-ra!”

“The Equine Party hears your pain!” Lyra Heartstrings proclaimed, going through the gestures so carefully rehearsed backstage. “For too long Ponyville has seen its rights surrendered to the elitists in Canterlot! Mayor Mare is selling out our freedoms to the Central Government, Ponyvillians! We want to rule on our own terms!”

Concerted stomping and cries of “Boo!” and “Shame!” at the mention of the incumbent’s accursed name.

“Ponyvillians!” Lyra cried again, engrossed in the moment. “For too long, Town Hall has shown repeated disrespect to the Princesses in Canterlot! Mayor Mare seems bent on making Ponyville, once again, the rebel capital of Equestria!”

More concerted stomping and more cries of “Boo!” and “Shame!” at the mention of the incumbent’s accursed name, seemingly oblivious to the contradictions the lime-green pony was spouting.

“Ponyvillians!” Lyra rose her voice in preparation for the oratorical climax. “Lyra Heartstrings will- “

Rumble.

The once-raucous crowd suddenly went silent. All heads tilted upwards to see an ominous, terrifying, thick black cloud overhead.

RUMBLE- and with that, the first drops of rain began to fall.

It was everypony for herself. “Runnn!” ponies screamed as they bolted left and right, Market Square quickly disgorging itself of living souls, leaving a by-now-terrifically-soaked Lyra Heartstrings shivering in the wet cold.

“Argh...!” the cyan pony gritted her teeth and cursed skyward. “What the hay is going on here! It’s the fourth consecutive time this has happened!”

“Lyra, you’ll catch a cold like this!” Bon Bon admonished as she quickly shielded her companion with her umbrella, the rain falling in torrents around them. “Get back inside!”

“I don’t believe this!” Lyra scrunched up her speech in a rage and hurled it at an empty audience. “Four days in a row! It’s a conspiracy, Bon Bon; it’s a conspiracy!”

“It’s bad luck, Lyra!” Bon Bon shot back. “The world doesn’t revolve around you!”

The opposition candidate snorted and stomped her hooves. “Mayor Mare’s never had bad weather this week. Even when her rallies were at the same time as mine!”

“Well- ” Now that Bon Bon thought about it, that did seem a little odd. “Look, Lyra: unless you can prove otherwise, there’s no point in getting all worked up about it! Now just come backstage and enjoy a nice hot cup of tea… ”

*

Weather Manager’s Office, skies above Ponyville

“So you’re taking over Parasol’s job while she’s away, huh,” Rainbow Dash observed as her cerise eyes measured Crescent Moon’s figure. “Well, you seem up for it. Cleared.”

“Thank you, Ms. Dash,” the brown pegasus mumbled as he received the hoof-stamped storm-schedule from his boss, going over every single detail like only a fresh face would.

“Rainbow’s fine,” the pegasus corrected him as she reclined into her cloud. “Any questions, new guy? Storm Division’s not the cushiest of jobs.”

“Umm… so, any tips on moving and setting off those clouds?” Crescent Moon asked, anxious to make the best first impression.

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” Rainbow Dash put her forelegs behind her head. “I’ll be teaming up with you, so all you gotta remember now is to turn up for your first storm next week.”

“Um. Alright,” the newcomer replied nervously as he re-checked the location and time of said first storm. “Manesday noon, Ponyville Park… hey, that’s exactly where Lyra’s holding her next rally.”

The cyan pegasus’ eyes twitched. “O-oh?” she stammered. “That’s… that’s too bad for Lyra, I guess… ”

Crescent Moon narrowed his eyes as he scrutinized the schedule further. “Now that I think about it, Lyra’s rallies have continuously been struck by heavy thunderstorms these past few weeks.”

“Oh, uh… really?” the prismatic mare shifted uncomfortably in her cloud, beads of sweat rolling down her nape. “That’s… kinda strange. I didn’t realize that… ”

The brown pegasus looked up from his schedule and smiled. “Yeah, bad luck I guess,” he reassured his superior. “Could happen to anypony.”

Rainbow Dash was just desperate to get away from this conversation. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

Crescent Moon cleared his throat. “Rainbow, can I ask a question?”

“Shoot.”

“How long before I get promoted to Team Head?”

The prismatic mare frowned at such an arrogant question. “Team Head?” she repeated. “You’re just a temp until Parasol comes back. If you’re good enough I guess I could put you on as a trainee.”

The brown pegasus’ smile grew even wider. “I see. Forget I asked, Rainbow.”

“No problem, new guy. See you at the Park in two days.”

*

Outside the Mayor’s Office, Ponyville

Rainbow Dash never got around to creating that Manesday storm.

Instead, she was cowering in a dark corner, dark and foreboding wooden doors in front of her, trying her best not to cry – and only managing to look more like a miserable failure, with terrified tears streaking uncontrollably down her face.

She could her the muffled sounds from the other side – Lyra’s voice through the radio, screeching in demented glee: “Ponyvillians! We now have ABSOLUTE PROOF of Mayor Mare’s treachery! How DARE she use our Civil Service for her own NEFARIOUS ends! We shouldn’t call her Mayor Mare – we should call her DICTATOR MARE! If the Princess is listening: please, PLEASE rescue us from this pony’s EVIL tyranny!... ”

Then a sound of breaking glass, concurrent with Twilight’s startled yelp. “What in Celestia’s HAY has your friend DONE?!” Mayor Mare berated her protégé, lacing her statement with words unheard-of outside the Baltimare dockyards. “Are you trying to get rid of ME, Twilight!”

“No, no, no, Mayor, I swear by Celestia!” the purple unicorn whimpered, sounding close to tears herself. “I’m sorry! I should have realized what Rainbow was going to do! I should have told her to stop it… I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

“I can’t believe this, Ms. Sparkle!... ” Mayor Mare’s rage continued lashing at the bookish unicorn as Rainbow Dash’s guilt overwhelmed the pegasus. The prismatic mare had hatched this stupid plan precisely because she didn’t want to entangle Twilight with her problems – and all she had done was drag her entirely-innocent friend into another morass. Twilight didn’t deserve this.

Body still shuddering with emotion, and with a lot more effort that she had expected, Rainbow Dash slowly and steadily picked herself up. Time to face the music, like a pegasus.

“…your friend has just ruined EVERYTHING that I’ve done so far! She’ll be lucky if I- “ Rainbow Dash sighed and knocked feebly at the door.

Mayor Mare abruptly came to a halt mid-rant. Silence. Rainbow Dash knocked again, slightly more strength this time round. Darn it, she hadn’t realized that holding back her tears was so difficult – more difficult than anything else she had done.

“C-come in,” Twilight’s voice answered.

The door creaked open a little and Rainbow Dash crept into the room, not daring to look at anything save the carpeted floor. She took her position right beside the entrance.

The longest pause in Rainbow Dash’s life.

“Umm… hi, Rainbow,” Twilight Sparkle began lamely.

The pegasus closed her eyes and inhaled. “It was… all my fault,” she declared softly, each word an absolute agony. “I didn’t want you to fire me for stealing a book from the Hospital. I wanted to solve my own problems without Twilight having to help. For once.”

With nothing more to be said, Rainbow Dash lowered her neck and waited for the ax to fall.

Every passing minute only added to the hurt. Rainbow Dash wasn’t sure why it was taking the Mayor so long to fire her. She heard Twilight whispering to the Mayor, however – so maybe the unicorn was going to save her again. That possibility only weighed Rainbow Dash’s heart down even more…

“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said at last.

“Yes, Twilight.”

“The Mayor is going to let you stay on as Head of Weather- “

“Great.” The cyan pegasus’s head drooped even further.

“ –I’m not done yet, Rainbow,” the voice reprimanded sternly. “She’s only doing that because Lyra’s going to fire you – if not the whole department – in a few days’.”

The prismatic mare sighed in response. “Thanks.”

“That's all. You may leave.”

Twilight Sparkle could only look sadly as her friend slunk out of the room. Rainbow Dash had made a colossal error and – judging from the lethal glares the Mayor was shooting at the weathermare – had utterly torpedoed the Mayor’s campaign. At least the unicorn had managed to stay Rainbow Dash’s demise; but as far as she could see, it would take more than a miracle to revive all of their rapidly waning fortunes.

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Partisan intervention by government agencies - the one I had in mind was the IRS' targeting of conservative Tea-Party groups, the news of which broke in mid-2013. 2) Political accusations which contradict themselves - most notably, calling Obama a 'socialist' AND a 'fascist'.]

S2E17: Hearts and Hooves Day

Season 2 Chapter 17 – Hearts and Hooves Day

Mayor Mare’s House, Ponyville

The Agenda:
1. Restore Momentum. [ ]
2. Win Election! [ ]
3. LONG TERM: Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

GALLOP POLL: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 27%/BUSTER (EQA) 25%/MARE (IND) 5% (±5%)

“Snng, Mng… hi, Mom,” Cheerilee mumbled as she backtracked through the front door, mouth dragging an oversize heart. “Oh and before you ask, no. The fillies at school made it for me.”

Mayor Mare spun round in her seat, sending the daily piece of paper drifting onto the floor. “Huh- ? Oh. Right.”

The schoolteacher wrinkled her nose as her mother hastily turned back to her government papers. “So you’ve come home early- ”

“Not now, Cheerilee.”

Eyes narrowed. “I’m just making conversation, Mom.”

The gray-maned mare sighed. “Well with these numbers, who wants to go back to Town Hall?”

The cherry pony went over to the staircase and began estimating space with her forelegs. “Just treat it like any other job, I guess. Who cares?”

Another huff. “You try working when everyone below you is expecting a boss change. Even the cleaners now have the gall to talk back at me.”

The schoolteacher chose not to reply. She hauled the shimmering artwork over to the wall.

“Big heart,” the Mayor finally commented.

“I’ve told you; it’s not- “

“I know, I know… but then again, you really should be- “

“Stuff it, Mom.”

Mom frowned. “Right. Anyway, I was more wondering if you had- “

“Registered it as a gift; yes.” Bang bang bang. “Last thing I want is to be charged with corruption.”

“Indeed.” A pause for consideration. “Can’t afford another scandal with these numbers.”

Bang bang bang. “But really, this isn’t the Pona Lisa, so it’s not like anypony will notice… ” Cheerilee drew back, the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ labor of love now hanging proudly off the wall. “Anyway. What do you think, Mom?”

“Oh, it’s great,” the tan pony mumbled, eyes firmly fixated on her papers.

*

The Secretary for Administration’s Office, Ponyville

Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon had left early – “I am most assuredly NOT busting my chops for a lame-duck government” – as had most of the office staff.

Finance Secretary Bit Coin had, foolishly, been distracted by a particularly engrossing novel. Which was why she was now shuffling through the shelves, grumbling and muttering dirty curses all the while.

“There,” the chestnut pony slapped down a copy of the Register of Gifts onto the oaken desk. “Now can I leave?”

The two suited ponies opposite her – agents of the Equestrian Anti-Corruption Bureau (EACB) – began to riff through the contents of this latest document. “Not quite yet, Ms. Coin,” the balding black stallion – Senior Prosecutor, probably – mumbled. “We might require more documents for our inspection.”

Next time, Bit Coin was definitely, definitely leaving her trashy books at home.

“There’s got to be something in there,” the shapely orange mare – Junior Assistant, maybe? – remarked off-handedly. “Come on.”

The Finance Secretary took her revenge. “Well we’ve cleaned up a lot since the last Administration. Especially since most of the perps are now in jail.”

“Yeah, well, that’s good for you,” Senior growled unhappily, tapping his hind hoof in irritation as he flipped through the Register again. And again. And again.

The ambrosia of revenge receded as the chestnut pony accrued more and more unpaid overtime.

Finally – slam.

“Darn it,” Junior observed. “Nothing?”

“By Celestia,” the black stallion couldn’t resist re-opening the thin ledger for the umpteenth time. “I can’t believe we’ve found nothing! No false valuations, no procedural errors, no vague descriptions: nothing!”

The smug smile from the Finance Secretary. “As I told you earlier. Ponyville’s cleaned up a lot since- “

“Ah, Tartaros,” Senior grumbled, flipping callously onto a random page and tapping randomly. “This, this and this. Let’s investigate them.”

“ –and we’ve instituted new procedures for- “ Bit Coin’s mind skidded to a halt. “Wait. You’re randomly investigating ponies?”

Junior shrugged. “Why not?”

The chestnut mare blinked dumbly. “But… you can’t assume guilt without any evidence or suspicion!”

Senior joined in with the shrugging. “If they’ve done nothing wrong, our investigations won't harm them.”

“That’s not how it- for Celestia’s sake, you’re the EACB, not a secret police!”

“Yeah, we’re the Anti-Corruption Bureau, all right,” Junior nodded sarcastically. “And do you know what will happen to us if there is no corruption to fight?”

“A decade ago, I used to nail, like, ten perps every time I was in Ponyville,” the red stallion added. “And now we’re getting none? If Rich Industries showed that kind of growth, Filthy would be ousted before the day was over.”

Bit Coin wasn’t buying. “But no corruption surely is a good thing for Equestria?”

“The good of Equestria won’t get me commendations on my annual review,” the orange mare explained. “Indictments, Ms. Coin. Five per year, minimum.”

“I still think… ” the chestnut pony’s eyes suddenly widened in horror. “You get promoted on the basis of indictments?”

The agents nodded as if that was the most obvious thing in the world.

The Finance Secretary was quick to act. “Ah. Well!” she said, scrambling around the shelves for more data. “Now, agents, remember I’ve been more than helpful here… so would you mind not randomly picking my name out of your lists?... ”

*

Mayor Mare’s House, Ponyville

Knock knock knock. Mayor Mare sighed and went to the front door.

“Cheerie, I’m not eating lunch out- “

The tan pony’s eyes darted to the black and orange ponies on each side of the cherry schoolteacher.

“They’re agents from the Anti-Corruption Bureau, Mom,” Cheerilee explained, annoyance unmistakeable in her tone. “They want to have a few words regarding that heart.” Her head gestured towards the new addition to the wall.

“As your daughter said, Mayor,” the senior red stallion continued. “Can we come in for a simple conversation?”

“You have a warrant?” the gray-maned mare challenged.

“No,” the junior orange mare replied sweetly. “Do you need one?”

Sigh. “Alright, come in, come in,” Mayor Mare conceded as she stepped aside.

The agents headed straight for that slightly-gawdy wall ornament. Cheerilee sat next to the Mayor and moped. No lunch for her today, it seemed.

“Didn’t I tell you to REGISTER that?” Mom hissed.

“I did! I have no idea what I’ve done wrong!” Cheerilee whispered back. “The heart is CLEARLY within the gifting limit!”

“So you’re sure you’ve done nothing wrong?”

“Pretty sure.”

Mayor Mare glanced uneasily at the two ponies, who were still examining the heart as if there was some treasure map on it. “Alright. Maybe this is just a huge misunderstanding. Tell them what you know, and maybe they’ll go away.”

Cheerilee nodded. “Alright, Mom. Um, agents – officers – you want tea?”

“Coffee, please,” the agents replied as they took their places on the table.

“I’ll go, then.” Mayor Mare got up and headed for the kitchen.

That was the cue. “Um, yes… so anyway, officers, what did you want to know about the heart? How I got it? What happened before I got it? I’m more than willing to help, you know… ”

*

Cheerilee’s long explanation started with that heart, wound through the twists and turns of the Love Poison Saga, up and down the troughs of her family’s history with the Apple family, and finally ended with her occupation and her students.

“…and so, you see, that’s the reason why I now have that heart hanging over there.” The schoolteacher forced out a smile. “It’s really nothing more than a symbol of appreciation, officers.”

Mayor Mare continued the futile combat with her drooping eyelids. Another swig of increasingly-tangy coffee was in order.

Senior, seemingly impervious to any nature of boredom, poured out another blackish liquid into the china. “Right,” he muttered. His assistant looked forlornly at her own cup – though that could just be her fighting off the temptations of sleep as well.

A couple of minutes’ silence as each sipped their drink. The cherry pony had explained everything in excruciating detail; yet these agents were not leaving.

Trouble.

“Miss Cheerilee,” the black stallion finally sliced through the quiet as he dragged his chair outwards, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to come back to the police station with us to explain yourself further.”

She had anticipated it; yet Mayor Mare’s heart still skipped a beat.

A clatter as a ceramic cup fell onto its saucer. The schoolteacher’s pupils grew as large as saucers. “B-but I’ve… already told you everything,” she stammered.

“All the same,” Senior declared as he strode towards the heart. “You are under suspicion of corruption.”

Cheerilee’s panicked eyes darted towards the artwork. “But I registered that already!” she burst out.

The black stallion turned towards the orange mare, who nodded pensively.

“So you did,” he commented.

Mayor Mare quickly intervened in an attempt to limit damage. “So where’s the problem!” she exclaimed. “Surely that piece is well within the 500-bit-limit!”

A polite throat-clearing from Senior.

Now it was the Mayor’s eyes that were widening. “How.”

The black stallion gently took down the heart and cradled it in his forehooves. “Even to the most unknowledgeable of ponies,” he chatted idly, “even they would see that this heart is worth, at least, a thousand bits.”

“B-but… but… Oh Celestia, that c-can’t be true!” the schoolteacher spluttered. “My students don’t have a thousand bits to spare!”

“We make no assumptions about the financial capabilities of your students,” Junior quickly piped in. “Evidence, Miss, is what we work on.”

Senior deftly brushed the surface of the artwork with his hooves, sending a shower of glitter cascading onto the floor. “This glitter, you see; obviously bought from Zebrica, very much in demand there… two hundred bits per kilogram, I recall.”

“No, no, no… ” The cherry pony lunged at the heart, prompting Junior to jerk the fabric away from her desperate hooves. “You must be m-mistaken… Ms. Belle and Ms. Applebloom would have bought the glitter from our local arts store; it sells for only five bits there-”

“The Anti-Corruption Bureau judges the value of items using our own metric,” Senior clarified. “We can’t have ponies just lying about the value of their goods, can we?”

“But- you’re using ridiculous valuations!” Mayor Mare hollered. “You’re basically inventing facts here!”

The red stallion ignored the politician. “The paints here – the finest Whinnypeg colors – three hundred bits per bucket, obviously.”

The schoolteacher half-heartedly resisted the urge to cry. “B-but that’s not t-true!” she stuttered. “Please! I’ve done nothing wrong!”

“ …and the ermine fabric here,” Senior concluded, gently stroking the rough remains of some rug that Applebloom had refashioned into the heart. “Five hundred bits per roll, I recall.”

Cheerilee sank to the ground, silvery tears spewing from her trembling eyes.

Mayor Mare was determined not to go down without a fight, if only to save her campaign from yet another scandal. “Motive, agents, motive!” she accused. “Why would my Cheerie… I mean, Ms. Cheerilee here accept such a bribe?”

Senior shrugged. “It’s classified.”

“Well, I am the Mayor here- “

“You know we are an independent body responsible only to the Princess, Mayor,” the orange mare warned. “You know that local governments cannot interfere.”

“But as Mayor of this town, I have a right to demand the crime you are accusing our schoolteacher of,” Mayor Mare shot back. “I will not jeopardize our foals’ futures based on your whims!”

The agents looked at each other, constructing their case in a split-second.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Junior asked.

“What is obvious?”

“The reason,” Senior extended his foreleg at the sobbing wreck of the mare between them. “Miss Cheerilee here’s already told us about how close you and the Apple family are, the whole affair about the Love Poison, and how it’s such a big thing here that their Mr. MacIntosh doesn’t have a marefriend. It’s obvious that the Apple filly was offering Ms. Cheerilee here a bribe, in order to entice her to date and marry Mr. MacIntosh.”

The cherry pony was too drowned in her own terror to respond.

Mayor Mare’s mind shuddered to a halt. “That is the biggest piece of… that’s the wildest conspiracy I’ve ever heard.”

Another shrug as Senior grasped the schoolteacher’s withers. “The evidence fits. Now come along, Ms. Cheerilee; the sooner you co-operate, the better.”

There wasn’t much that the politician could do now, besides suggesting that Applebloom should be arrested too; and that was hardly going to endear the Mayor to anypony.

“Mom… “ Red-eyed Cheerilee barely had the time to look back before she was shunted ahead of the agents, head lowered, tail limply dragging behind her.

The gray-maned mare was speechless, helpless, motionless gawping as her own daughter was being towed away for interrogation…

“…wait,” the tan pony croaked weakly.

The two agents stopped.

Mayor Mare gulped. She hadn’t really considered this before, but-

“Agents… what will it take to let her go?”

Senior and Junior looked at each other. Then they looked back.

“As an agent of the Anti-Corruption- “

“Please.” The politician silenced them with an upheld hoof, trying her darnedest to mask her fearful trembling. “Y-you know I have a direct line to Her Highness – Miss Twilight Sparkle… ”

That shut them up. The agents looked at each other once again, a flicker of uncertainty travelling past them.

“You really want to upset Her Highness?” Mayor Mare advanced.

Another mutual glance. Cheerilee hiccupped impotently.

Senior looked back at the Mayor. “Six thousand.”

“Five thousand.”

“Five thousand five hundred.”

The gray-maned mare had no heart for haggling. “Deal.”

The agents regarded each other once more and nodded. “We’ll still need to bring her into the station for an, ahem, interview. You can get the money, meanwhile.”

Mayor Mare quietly acknowledged. “So you won’t charge her?”

“We can get quite impatient real fast.”

A small victory was better than nothing. “Thanks.”

Cheerilee had stopped crying.

Senior nodded sagely, his hoof pressing down on the door handle. “A good deal, Mayor. We’ll hush this up and nopony will ever know what ha- ”

The door swung into a crowd of paparazzi, lightbulbs flashing and machines desperately clicking away. Tomorrow’s headlines were set in indelible ink.

Senior turned back to a distinctly light-headed Mayor. “Oops.”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Registration of gifts - common practice in all bureaucracies. 2) Lame-duck governments tend to suffer from abysmal morale. 3) The tendency of bureaucracies to perpetuate their own existence, even inventing problems if necessary. 4) The Hong Kong Independent Commission Against Corruption actually *does* promote based on successful indictments. 5) The tendency of secret services (and police, even) to twist facts and invent conspiracies in order to get the case they want. 6) Communist Chinese anti-corruption efforts mostly fail because no charges can be realistically brought against the leadership, or people who can appeal directly to the leadership, or people who can appeal directly to people who can appeal directly to the leadership, and so on.]

(While this fic is heavily inspired by Hong Kong anti-corruption efforts, let me assure you that the city is generally squeaky-clean and corruption really only happens at the top. The ICAC is not a secret service, but it is overzealous and is increasingly used as a political tool to harass political enemies.)

S2E18: A Friend In Deed

Season 2 Episode 18 – A Friend in Deed

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Win Election. [ ]

2. LONG TERM: Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

GALLOP POLL: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 30%/BUSTER (EQA) 26%/MARE (IND) 3% (±5)

Mrs. Cake, ever the redoubtable mistress of Ponyville’s bakery, sidled stealthily up unseen towards Mayor Mare’s table. “Now now, Mayor," the light blue matron tut-tutted. "What’s with all the grumbling and moaning?”

The tan pony merely sighed as she pocketed the little scrap of paper.

The missus was insistent. “Been spending an awful lot of time here, Mayor. Slow days in government, hm?”

“I guess you can say that,” came the evasive response.

The rotund mare anticipated in vain.

“At least they let Miss Cheerilee go, huh,” Mrs. Cake resumed.

Mayor Mare munched that much more viciously on her lettuce bagel. “Mm-hmm.”

The blue mare fell back, no small amount of annoyance on her face. Not that she was afraid of losing the confectioner's vote: the poster on the wall – Keep Calm and Lyra On (what was that supposed to mean, anyway?) – saw decisively to that.

Yet Mrs. Cake, bearer of two trying foals, was not one for calling quits. Besides, a topic of conversation had just wafted in through the front door.

The matron sniffed the air, muzzle recoiling at the unwelcome scent. “Oh, Celestia. You can smell that, can’t you, Mayor?”

“Mm-hmm.” The gray-maned pony was more relieved than revolted: that acrid smell was going to provide the perfect excuse to-

“Obviously the newcomer, Mayor,” the blue pony opined. “It’s the donkey, I tell you. Celestia, that smell! I just can’t- "

She wisely caught her tongue before she uttered something incorrect.

“I mean, I know it’s not his fault,” she hastened. “Not his fault that we ponies have sensitive noses. Not his fault that the donkey scent just happens to need some getting used to. In a month or so I'm sure we won’t even realize it’s there… ”

Mayor Mare intensely scoured the dining plate for conversation-avoiding morsels.

“But still,” the confectioner thought out loud. “But still. It’s kind of selfish to expect all of us to bear you out. You see that, Mayor; don’t you? Lyra would’ve never let them- ”

Lucky scrap of leaf in the plate corner. “Mm-hmm,” the Mayor muttered.

*

Market Square, Ponyville

“Ms. Applejack!” Mayor Mare exclaimed as she trotted over to the green-and-white stall. “Now how are doing this fine day?”

“Mayor!” the orange mare hastily ushered Applebloom out of sight. “So nice to meet you. Care for an apple or two?”

The tan pony smiled and rummaged around for a few bits. “Two, please.”

“Take a bucket. Only the nicest and bestest for Ponyville’s leader, Mayor.”

Goods exchanged hooves. “Thank you, Ms. Applejack.”

"Thank you, Mayor." The country mare leant in coyly. “For the thing with the heart.”

The smile became more pained. “Cheerilee would never have outed Applebloom in any case. I’m sure of that.”

A knowing wink. “You will always have our full support, Mayor.”

“You are too kind, Ms. Apple- “

“Oh!” Some thought had suddenly struck the country mare. “Before I forget, Mayor, the farmers want me to see if you can do somethin’.”

The Mayor grimaced. Perhaps the compliments had been too good to be true. “Let’s hear it, Ms. Applejack.”

The orange pony tapped her jaw as she carefully structured her petition. “Well, you see, Mayor: them workers have been complainin' some while now ‘bout the singin’ comin' from the donkey’s house over yonder.”

“Donkey opera,” the gray-maned pony clarified, shuddering instinctively at the mention of such a racket. "It's their thing."

“Right. Opera. Anyway, they should- “

Applejack’s throat went dry mid-sentence.

The bespectacled mare raised an eyebrow. “Go on.”

The orange pony cleared her throat. “Let me make one thing clear first, Mayor. Personally, I am fully in favour of cultural exchange. I endorse it. I appreciate it.”

Just the choice of words alone was enough to arch Mayor Mare's eyebrows ever higher.

“I truly am, Mayor; and in my opinion, the workers are being more than a bit unfair on our newcomers… ” Applejack tiphoofed through her sentence. “… but they're our workers, y'know? They’ve been used to their daily routine, right? Some of 'em, they've worked for two generations already... ”

“I understand, Ms. Applejack.”

“And it’s just a bit… unfair on 'em,” the orange pony concluded. “A bit unfair, that some of 'em have had to change because of… new habits.”

“Right.”

“So I’m not saying that we should drive them out or something, but… but… ” Applejack uneasily studied every twitch and crease on Mayor Mare’s face. “Y’know, maybe they could do their singin’ somewhere else?”

*

109 Luna Crescent, Ponyville

Mr. Waddle didn’t even give Twilight Sparkle the benefit of the doubt.

“Sorry, Ms. Sparkle,” the old stallion declared. “As much as I like you, the mare you work for is a dictator, a snoop and a crony. So no, I won’t be voting for your party.”

Sigh. Twilight hung her head in sorrow. Or more accurately, faux-sorrow, since the magical unicorn had managed to change a few minds with a pair of droopy ears and vague sniffles. “Everypony’s been like that all day,” she groaned.

But Mr. Waddle was one of those infuriatingly ideological creatures whose mind was fashioned out of ice and stone. “I’m sorry, Ms. Sparkle."

A sigh, more unmistakeable mewlings, and a lower incline of the neck. “It’s alright, Mr. Waddle… ”

“Ms. Sparkle- ”

“Oh! Yes?” the purple unicorn bounced back up, the fake sadness disposed of in seconds.

The old stallion was slightly taken aback. “I was just wondering about that newcomer to town everypony’s talking about. You know, the... ”

“Oh. The donkey? Mr. Donkey?” the bookish mare replied, remembering to let her tail re-hang limply.

“Yes, the donkey. Haven’t seen him much around town.”

“Well… ” Twilight looked forlornly at the ground. “He’s here to retire, I’ve heard; retirement with his jenny...”

The bespectacled stallion muttered angrily under his breath. “Well. Here for the welfare. Typical.”

The lavender pony looked back up with a frown. “Mr. Waddle, please don’t say that,” she admonished. “Mr. Donkey has as has much right to welfare as you or I- ”

“Huh? What?” Mr. Waddle abruptly croaked, eyes blinking in confusion. “Oh, no no no, Ms. Sparkle, I…I’m not say that against donkeys in particular! I- I just meant to say... back in the days, we used to retire in the place that we worked in, you know? Wouldn’t even think of leeching off other governments like that… ”

“Well!” Twilight rushed decisively into the void. “Ms. Heartstrings and Filly Buster are most certainly going to burden Ponyville with more leeches. So really, you should- “

“Vote for Mayor Mare: yes, yes,” the old stallion hastily waved a hoof about. “Yes, Ms. Sparkle. You’ve convinced me, thank you, thank you… ”

The door quickly closed. Another victory to report back to Mayor Mare.

*

Donkey Residence, Ponyville outskirts

The smell was overpowering as Mayor Mare neared the front door. Perhaps donkeys and ponies really aren’t meant to be this close together-

Mayor Mare hit herself on the head in disgust. Stop it, she warned herself. That is wrong.

But if it was indeed wrong, then why was she now walking up the gravelled path?

Because the electorate wants me to. You heard Mrs. Cake. You heard Applejack. You heard Twilight. Nopony wants to live with the Donkeys.

But this was wrong!

Well, moral rectitude never got you anywhere. You remember last time, right? You told Cheerilee to tell the truth, and the agents took what she said and shov-

Knock knock knock. “Cooming!” a sweet voice trilled.

Matilda beamed at the scene before her. “Why, Mayor; what an honor! Come in, come in please, Mayor; we’re so happy to- “

“Thank you so much, Ms. Matilda,” Mayor Mare murmured as she entered, stealthily breathing through her mouth between sentences. “I’ll try not to take up too much of your time... ”

“No, please, do sit down, Ma’am,” Cranky gestured before he went into the kitchen to prepare some coffee. “It’s really an honor… ”

Polite entreaties for food and drink.

Mayor Mare finally found the fortitude to raise a determined hoof. “Please, Mr. and Ms. Donkey – still ‘Miss’, right?”

“Getting married next month,” Cranky grinned.

“My best wishes. Anyway, Mr. and Ms. Donkey,” Mayor Mare was feeling distinctly queasy inside - and it wasn't from the gateaux. “I’ve come here with a proposal.”

“Proposal?” the two lovebirds looked at each other. “We’ve never submitted anything to Town Hall!”

The tan pony cleared her throat. “No, we know you haven’t.”

A silence as the two donkeys waited for the Mayor to continue.

Better bite the cannonball now, I guess. “Erm… Mr. and Mrs. Donkey, how much money will have you consider leaving Ponyville?”

Shocked silence. Mayor Mare resisted the urge to fall deep, deep into the folds of the armchair and disappear entirely from sight.

“L-l… leave Ponyville?” Matilda stammered.

The gray-maned mare gulped and nodded. “We’re… tightening our immigration regulations, you see,” she babbled, scrambling around for some plausible explanation. “Asylum seekers from the Griffon Kingdom… and unfortunately, you… uh… erm…”

“We don’t make the grade.” Matilda concluded, a look of pure dismay on her face.

Another gulp and another quick nod. “Well… not you, anyway,” the Mayor corrected herself. “B-but… ”

“Me,” Cranky muttered, his voice sinking, his ears drooping.

Silence.

“Um… look,” Mayor Mare began apologetically. “Don’t get me wrong. Matilda here, especially, has been a pillar of our community. But it’s just the… the law, I guess. We’re really, really, genuinely, truly sorry to see you go… ”

“No, no,” Matilda eked out a smile. “We understand.”

Mayor Mare gazed at the floor. “Thank you,” she murmured. “The Government will recompensate you to the maximum extent.”

*

Market Square, Ponyville

Dust, ponies, hustle and bustle. All very typical of the cobbled marketplace, that throbbing heart of Ponyville, drawing through it everything from goods to services to rumors. The tap-tap of impatient mares’ hooves, the clink-clink of poured-out money, the chitter-chatter of idle housemares… too much color, too much noise for anypony to notice three little fillies andn a pink pony weaving through to the middle of the plaza, crates and placards in tow.

Scootaloo turned uneasily to Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Pinkie Pie. “Y-you sure about this?” she squeaked weakly. “I mean, I don't think- “

“Aw, come on!” the pink mare cut short her worries as she thrust a megaphone into reluctant hooves. “You're Cutie Mark Crusader Social Activists, right?”

The pegasus rolled her eyes. “That was so long ago. That's obviously not where our talent is!”

“Well, we’ll get it this time around!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, exasperated that a few silly qualms were blocking them from nirvana. “Maybe we’re Cutie Mark Crusader Civil Rights Social Activists!”

Scootaloo did not respond, seemingly lost in thought.

Applebloom eyed her quest companion nervously. “You agree with Pinkie Pie, right? The way the Mayor’s making those poor Donkeys go away… that’s not right!”

"Yeah!" The pink pony's eyes welled up again at the thought of the injustice done to her friends. "Oh, what they are doing to poor Mr. and Ms. Donkey... it's not right!"

“Yeah, Scootaloo!” Sweetie Belle jumped up and down in indignation. “It isn’t right!”

Quiet instead of the usual background noise. The ponies suddenly realized that the marketplace had now collectively focused its attention. On them.

Disappointingly, Scootaloo continued to look at the ground.

“It isn’t right…”

Then in a sudden flurry of action, Scootaloo stood up tall and proud, eyes lighting up with zeal, megaphone pointing daggers at the audience.

And with a voice that astounded even the orange pegasus herself:

“It isn’t right, ponies; it isn’t right! Fillies and gentlecolts, you all here are walking through the marketplace, busy buying bread and books and all the things that make you happy – but do you know that at this very same time, the Donkeys are being forced to leave Ponyville by the Government! They’ve done nothing wrong at all, fillies and gentlecolts! This is happening to our neighbors!”

One could almost see the silent shudder running through the crowd.

Then from some unseen part of the throng, a half-hearted voice daring to call out a common guilty thought: “But… donkeys are smelly- “

Scootaloo whirled violently round in righteous fury. “How dare you say that! How dare you be so… speciesist!”

A collective gasp and a murmur around the crowd, scandalized by this terrible, terrible accusation.

“Yes you are!” Scootaloo bellowed as the voice whimpered beyond earshot. “And I know more of you are! That's why none of you cared- “

“We didn’t know!” Mrs. Cake hurriedly retorted. “If we knew… ”

“I’d definitely have told the Mayor myself!” Applejack concurred. “We are most definitely not speciesist!”

“Expelling the Donkeys was a step too far!” Mr. Waddle waved his cane furiously. “The Mayor has lost my vote!”

The crowd roiled with hasty indignation. “Stop. The. Hate! Stop. The. Hate!” Pinkie Pie began to lead a chant.

The two other Crusaders joined in, tossing accusatory leaflets into the air. “We shouldn’t discriminate against the Donkeys, fillies and gentlecolts!” Sweetie Belle cried out, remembering the only long word she got right on that spelling test. “We need to go to Town Hall and tell the Mayor what we think- “

“Citizens!” Lyra had seized her chance to clamber onto the makeshift lectern. “Citizens! Mayor Mare is responsible for this horrid act of speciesism! Surround Town Hall! Make our voices heard!”

The rumble of enthusiastic stomping across the whole market, rolling on like an ominous summer storm. “Stop the hate! Stop the hate! Stop the hate!...”

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

“Stop. The. Hate! Stop. The. Hate! Stop. The. Hate!”

Mayor Mare gasped in horror even before she leant out of the window. A sea of angry ponies, screaming and yelling all sorts of insults, flags and billboards waving about… speciesism?! But… b-but…

Matilda narrowed her eyes. “Is that why you’ve decided to send us away, Mayor?”

A cold shiver raced down the gray-maned pony’s spine. “N-no, Ms. Donkey!” she stuttered. “It’s just… I-I thought they- “

The tan pony stopped mid-sentence.

The female donkey was unamused. “The Princess takes a dim view of these things,” she menaced.

All Mayor Mare desired was to sit down and cry. This was unfair. This was too unfair…

“I… I assure you, Ms. D-donkey… ” the politician stuttered, tongue tying itself in guilty knots. “N-nothing of the s-sort was meant… ”

“That will be for the courts to decide,” came the iron response. “And rest assured I know who to vote for, now.” The donkey turned and walked away.

The Mayor stood up on wobbly legs. “Ms. Matilda... please- “

Slam.

That was it.

Mayor Mare slumped back into her chair, head light and dizzy from all that had transpired. Everything had happened too fast. Too fast. Her fault. She did it. Who cares if it was for the ponies. It was always for the ponies.

Cruel, evil, duplicitous ponies!

And with that, Mayor Mare flopped onto the desk and began to bawl hot, angry tears.

“Stop the hate! Stop the hate! Stop the hate!... ”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) The difficulty in measuring racism within society, because nobody will admit to it. 2) A main accusation against immigrants claims that they mooch off welfare. 3) Obviously politicians do things they think are wrong for their party's sake. This story was inspired by French Prime Minister Hollande's crackdown on the Roma [aka 'Gypsies'], because not doing so would send voters to the far-right Front Nationale. 4) Said crackdown resulted in serious student protests in Paris. Bad international publicity meant that even though most French people supported a tough crackdown, Hollande had to back down from the program. This is not the first time the French government has listened to Paris instead of France. 5) The ending scene was inspired by the iconic photograph of JFK, "The Loneliest Job in the World".]

S2E20: It's About Time

Season 2 Episode 20 – It’s About Time

Ponyville Library, Ponyville

The Agenda:
1. Preparing for impeachment. [ ]
2. Win Election! [ ]
3. LONG TERM: Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

GALLOP POLL: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 42%/BUSTER (EQA) 33%/MARE (IND) 2% (±4%)

Lyra Heartstrings’ voice crackled over the radio. “I have to say, during this debate with Mr. Buster, we haven’t agreed on much- “ Yeah right, Mayor Mare thought as she scrunched up the piece of paper and tossed it into a bin. “ -but I agree whole-heartedly that Mayor Mare has to be punished! As the pony who might have set loose the Cerberos onto Ponyville’s hapless populace, she should really withdraw from government on principle alone… but no matter. Ponyvillians, your Legislative Council will impeach this proven criminal in a few days; this is a concrete promise!...”

Councilor Twilight Sparkle tuned the radio down, worry written on her face. “They really are pulling all the stops, Mayor.”

Her political mentor shrugged. “Well, it’s not like I can defend myself. You heard the moderator on the phone: ‘you’re not relevant enough in the election to be on this debate’.” The tan pony pulled a face to emphasize her point.

Twilight giggled despite herself.

“In any case,” the tan pony got straight to the tantalizing point, Iron Will’s exhortations for hope - Hope is Dope - perhaps coming true. “You said you’ve thought of a way to delay the impeachment?”

Lavender ears perked up. “Oh yes, Mayor.” Fine china was levitated out; hot tea and milk. “It’ll do more than delay the impeachment, I expect. It’s be best if I had your permission, though.”

“That depends on the plan.”

Twilight coughed politely. “Ah, well, you see… there’s the problem.”

Always a catch. “What problem?”

The bookish mare took a sip of her brew instead.

The radio regained its pre-eminence within the Library. “…I will say to my dear friend Lyra Heartstrings, that while we don’t agree on much, I, Councillor Filly Buster, support one hundred percent the impending deposition of Ponyville’s criminal Mayor!...”

“What is the plan, Ms. Sparkle?” the tan pony repeated.

The bookish mare started as if she had been suddenly turfed out of her thoughts, accidentally spilling a bit of brown liquid onto her coat. “What? Oh!... yes, Mayor Mare, uh, the plan… ”

Mayor Mare wasn’t having any of these delaying tactics. “Ms. Sparkle,” she pressed, gently yet firmly. “What is the plan?”

“Ah,” the magical unicorn tried to compensate with a cheesy grin and a nervous chuckle. “Well, you see, it involves… you know, I don’t think you’ll like it on paper, Mayor. But t’s not illegal, I’ll tell you that.”

Must be some plan if Twilight expects me to hate it. “Ms. Sparkle. Tell me about the plan.”

Her interlocutor shook her head anxiously. “You really won’t like it, Mayor.”

“Twilight, if I’m impeached, I’ll be disgraced at the very least. They’ve literally cornered me. I have nothing left to lose.”

The pained groan of a unicorn who had run out of good excuses. “Alright, Mayor. The plan involves- “ A sudden flash of inspiration. “Actually, Mayor, I think somepony may be listening in on you.”

The bespectacled mare groaned, her reward denied. Why was Twilight being so reticent?

“There is nopony else in this room, Ms. Sparkle.”

“No, no. I meant ponies listening in on you magically or through receivers. You know how technology is!” Twilight chuckled nervously, holding on to this last straw for dear, dear life.

“Ms. Sparkle, that’s the silliest- “ Mayor Mare halted mid-sentence. The Princess’ protégé wasn’t about to reveal her secrets soon, and it probably isn't the best of ideas to pressure a would-be savior – especially if not knowing meant not taking responsibility (and frankly, who was going to blame the Princess’ student for anything, anyway?).

“Fine,” the tan pony gave her assent. “I’m sure that your plan will work, in any case. Thank you, in advance.”

Twilight replied with a grateful smile. “I’ll get that impeachment off of you, Mayor. I promise.”

*

Meeting Room 2, Town Hall, Ponyville

SPECIAL MEETING OF THE PONYVILLE HAY BOARD

Category: RESERVES
Topic: BUYING AND SELLING
Issue: A REQUEST TO SELL A PORTION OF THE PONYVILLE HAY RESERVE IN ORDER TO ALLEVIATE GOVERNMENT FINANCES
Members Present: FINANCE SECRETARY BIT COIN (CHAIRING), COUNCILOR TWILIGHT SPARKLE HP, COUNCILOR LYRA HEARTSTRINGS, COUNCILOR FILLY BUSTER, MS. APPLEJACK

Finance Secretary Bit Coin was wrapping up. “So to conclude, because of some… unexpected disaster-proofing expenses- “ a dirty glance at Twilight- “the Ponyville Government has found itself short of funds. Selling 5,000 hay bales at market rates should get us through until the new budget is drawn up by LegCo. Now, I need not tell you how important this action is to the citizens of Ponyville, so please weigh up the pros and cons carefully, and vote for the passage of this motion. Questions?”

A purple hoof rose up. “Yes, Councilor Sparkle.”

“Ms. Coin: I’m compiling the latest statistics,” the bookish mare began, toting a rather fearsome-looking folder, “and it says here that our election budget is at least double the size of all our remaining budget obligations. I was wondering if Ponyville would be better served if we simply used the election budget… “

A derisive laugh from Councilor Filly Buster. “Oh, you are not going to do that, Ms. Sparkle! I’m making darn sure that your corrupt political patron and her sniveling lackeys play fair this time ‘round!”

“Ignore him,” Twilight muttered to an embarrassed Applejack.

The chestnut pony shook her head in response to Twilight’s question. “You must know the answer, Councilor Sparkle. The Ponyville Government is legally obligated to do one thing, and one thing only – hold elections. Anything else can be defunded, but not that..”

The bookish mare sought clarification. “So we can’t even skim election funds to pay for the important needs of ordinary Ponyvillians?”

“That would be breaking the law, Councilor Sparkle; and we don’t break the law in Ponyville.”

Twilight lowered her head in pretend-thought. “Right,” she murmured.

The financial bureaucrat took the advantage to look around the room. “More questions… no? All done, then!” she announced happily. “So, fillies and gentlecolts, let’s have the votes: all those voting ‘yes’, raise your hooves!”

Two hooves immediately went up. Filly Buster and Lyra Heartstrings.

Score one for Bit Coin, the Finance Secretary congratulated herself. Correctly identifying voting inclinations was the only thing that kept the chestnut pony going through these boring meetings.

Meanwhile Applejack looked uneasily at Twilight, the country mare fidgeting uneasily in her chair. “You sure about this, Twi’?” the orange pony asked again. “I-I mean, all that to save the Mayor?”

“Well, Lyra and Filly aren’t playing fair, either.”

“I know that,” the honest mare whispered. “But still, sounds like a mite too far… “

The purple unicorn placed a comforting hoof on her friend. “Applejack. It’s fine. Go vote the way you want.”

The orange pony’s lower jaw trembled slightly and she gazed back onto the floor, her head a clouded mess. She really wanted to stand by Twilight, but with what she was planning to do, it seemed…

The Finance Secretary smiled smugly at the little charade the two friends were playing. “All those voting ‘no’, raise your hooves!”

A defiant purple hoof shot up in the air.

Applejack closed her eyes and followed suit, after a few seconds, with her tepid orange hoof.

Ever the bureaucrat, Bit Coin decided to follow protocol to the letter. “And all those abstaining, please raise your hooves!” she announced. “So the voting tally is: two for, two against!”

“So the result is a tie. Therefore, according to custom,” the chestnut pony began filing away her documents, eager to get off work as soon as possible. “I shall cast the deciding vote. ‘Yes’- “

“I don’t think so!”

Twilight Sparkle’s echoes rang throughout the deadened air.

Councilor Lyra burst out laughing. “Oh, Ms. Sparkle,” she explained condescendingly. “Maybe you’re still new to Ponyville: but here, if there’s a tie for a Board Resolution, the Chair gets to cast the deciding vote.”

Twilight began her retort with the most innocent smile she could fix up. “Actually, I think it’s you who doesn’t understand Ponyville, Councilor.”

That upturned the smile on the lime-green pony pretty quickly.

“You see,” Twilight got up and began pacing around, gesturing aimlessly with her hoof like a Canterlot professor in the zone. “I’ve always argued that all potential politicians need to be tested on their knowledge before entering government: and here’s the reason why!”

“Just cut to the chase, Twilight,” a darkening Filly Buster drawled.

“That’s Councilor Sparkle to you, Filly,” Twilight scolded the disrespectful stallion, having had enough of his little putdowns. “Anyway. You see, Ponyville’s Hay Reserve is a different animal compared with anything else in the Government. This is because it deals with the municipal stockpile of hay – the basic staple for our citizens, and the fundamental basis of the economy.”

Too late, Bit Coin began frantically searching for her copy of the Hay Board Regulations, mane growing sweatier by the second. Oh great oh great oh great-

Lyra was less alert. “So?”

Twilight smiled. “So,” she levitated over her own well-worn copy of the Regulations. “So, with such an important task entrusted to it, you’d expect the voting measures to be slightly different.”

Having flipped to the offending page, the Finance Secretary was now cursing and cursing under her breath, her dreams of a lovely holiday in Marejorca slowly fading into dust.

The purple pony began to read. “Here it is: Pursuant to the Harmony Act 12, all decisions made by the Ponyville Hay Board regarding the Strategic Reserve must be approved by unanimous consent.”

Jaws were fast dropping.

The lavender pony kept up her smile at her befuddled co-legislators. “I freely object to this action, fillies and gentlecolts, and therefore Ponyville is not allowed to sell from its Hay Reserve!”

Filly Buster felt distinctly light-headed, nauseous and all the terrible words that associate themselves abject and complete disaster. “B-but… that’s outrageous! That’s impossible! The law… the law can’t say that! It can’t be true, it can’t be… ” he swiftly turned against the Princess’ protégé. “Ms. Sparkle, you’re putting every Ponyvillian on the line for… for your own personal vendetta, Twilight! How… how dare you! I… I thought better of you- “

His rantings were cut short by Lyra Heartstrings’ snicker, her mind still firmly in control of her emotions. “Oh, you think you’re so clever, Twilight,” she cooed. “But I see through your little trick. You’re trying to get the Legislative Council shut down so the Mayor doesn’t get impeached, aren’t you?”

“Perhaps,” the bookish mare admitted.

The lime-green unicorn leant in, ready for the kill. “Well, that’s not going to work for long, Councilor Sparkle. I’m going to have a judge overturn your silly little veto, and then I’ll personally make sure nailing the Mayor’s going to be the first thing on our new list.”

Twilight serenely glided back to her seat. “Oh, Councilor Heartstrings… where are you going to find a judge to overturn my veto?”

Lyra frowned, suspecting a trap. “By going to the courts, of course… “ her voice faded away in realization..

“Any court that has jurisdiction over us will be closed due to a lack of funds,” Bit Coin elaborated through gritted teeth. “Because, thanks to Twilight Sparkle, the Ponyville Government will be shutting down.”

A long pause as everypony let this new paradigm sink in.

“So… what now?” Applejack concluded at last.

*

Mayor Mare’s House, Ponyville

Day One of a government-less Ponyville. The Sun still rose, the lights still worked, water still came out of the taps. But then again, these things weren’t in the day-to-day responsibilities of the Ponyville Government.

“I’m going, Mom,” Cheerilee announced as she descended the stairs. “For a whole day of unpaid work,” she further stressed.

Mayor Mare had not much room for sympathy. “Don’t go, then.”

“Union hours,” the cherry pony grumbled as she opened the front door. “I can’t not go.”

The door slammed shut. Mayor Mare turned back to her house guest. “Well, Councilor Sparkle,” she continued, turning the resignation letter over and over again in her hooves. “This has been most unexpected.”

“Well I’m hardly going to win re-election,” the lavender pony observed quietly. “I knew you’d be unhappy at this – and that’s why I didn’t tell you about my plan beforehand.”

The gray-maned mare nodded in unspoken agreement.

Twilight was feeling pensive, in any case. “I think I was too naïve when I decided to try politics, anyway. Thought that I was going to change things, help Ponyville’s citizens, perhaps even leave a mark within Equestrian law.” she chuckled bitterly. “Now look at what I’m doing. Strange, huh?”

The tan pony refilled Twilight’s teacup apologetically. “I’m sorry if I forced you into shutting down the government.”

“No, no,” the magical unicorn was quick to dismiss the Mayor’s atonements. “I mean, you were in the right here, Mayor – for the most part, anyway. Lyra and Filly were just telling lies about you, and ponies lapped it all up: hook, line and sinker. It’s as if they need disharmony in order to get elected. It’s been worse ever since you created the Legislative Council.”

Mayor Mare didn’t really know what to say. “That’s democracy, Twilight.”

Twilight looked out into the glorious morning outside. “Well, if this is democracy, then maybe… maybe- “

The unicorn let her thoughts fade slowly into the ether.

Author's Note

HP - Honored Pony.

[Particular Inspiration: 1) "No-chance" candidates excluded from TV debates, e.g. Ron Paul, Greens in USA. 2) US Board Meetings. This format here references the Board of Education in Ohio. 3) Strategic reserves exist for anything that is vital to a country's interests, most famously in oil. The US manipulates its Strategic Petroleum Reserve (mainly by controlling intake) if gas prices get too high. 4) There are, generally speaking, very few technical or intellectual qualifications expected of politicians. 5) Unanimous voting was a notorious feature in the Polish-Lithuanian Sejm in the form of the "liberum veto", where a single member of the legislature could dispose of a law or even dissolve the legislature itself. 6) Government shutdown in the US.]

S2E21: Dragon Quest

Season 2 Episode 21 – Dragon Quest

The Gentlecolt’s Club, Canterlot

GALLOP POLL: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 45%/BUSTER (EQA) 40%/MARE (IND) 2% (±3%)

Dr. Filthy Rich GSS OB HP raised his eyebrows. “No agenda today?” he asked.

Councilor Lyra Heartstrings shrugged. “The entire government is on furlough.”

“Ah yes, I remember,” the stallion said as he put down the Ponyville Express, bold and austere lettering decorating its entire front page:

SPECIAL COMMUNIQUE FROM HER MAJESTY’S GOVERNMENT: TRADE WITH THE DRAGON HORDE FORBIDDEN UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. REPORT ALL ENCOUNTERS WITH FERAL DRAGONS. AVOID CONTACT WITH FERAL DRAGONS. CURIOSITY IS NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE.

“We need to hold a chat about that,” the industrial magnate referred back to the shutdown, a thin undercurrent of menace undergirding his voice.

A sinking feeling within the unicorn’s heart. “Yes, Dr. Rich.”

The manufacturing baron adjusted the end of his Jaguar-LeColtre watch serenely, seeking to build up tension.

Meanwhile, Councillor Filly Buster sat silently in a shady corner of the room, not sure whether the irascible businessman was merely resting or building up towards one of his thundering rages…

“You failed.”

There was not much else the lime-green pony could do, besides lower her head in begrudging apology.

“YOU FAILED, LYRA!” Filthy Rich clobbered the table with his hooves, the poor thing groaning and splitting slightly through the middle. “You had one job; and you failed!”

The opposition candidate stifled a grunt of protest, twitching ears and eyes betraying her real attitude.

The brown stallion now launched into a tirade normally reserved for his secretaries. “Lyra, how is it even possible that you let Ms. Sparkle do such a thing! You job was so simple – get rid of Mayor Mare; poof, just like that! How could you fail! How was it even possible for you to fail? You stupid horse, how could you- “

The unicorn’s restraint had reached its limit. “I warned you about this, Mr. Rich!” Lyra snapped back recklessly. “I told you to be patient! I told you not to back the Mayor into a corner! But no, you had to do it! You had to do all of it! And now look at what she’s done!”

Filthy Rich dried up mid-rant, eyes wide open with amazement. Evidently he was been accustomed to ponies giving him lip: Why, how dare this pony bite the hoof that feeds her!

His complexion visibly darkened with each reiteration of the thought.

Lyra regretted her words as soon as she said them – but she figured they had to be said at some point; and besides, it was too late to back down now. Nothing left to do but to hold her ground and glare defiantly at her benefactor and torturer.

Filthy Rich slowly sank back into his leather chair. “Councilor Lyra Heartstrings.”

Great. Filthy never addressed anypony with their full title.

The tang of a fine – as fine as tobacco can be, anyway – Marecanudo gently wafted through the air. Dr. Rich swiveled away from his interlocutor. The ax was fast falling.

“Lyra Heartstrings. I believe I that from now on, Filly Buster shall solely enjoy my full support.”

Lyra’s eyes narrowed. If there was any emotion – and she was hopping mad – she wisely concealed it.

In a way, it was probably a good thing. Lyra was heartily sick and tired of having to bow to Filthy Rich’s pretensions and commands. She let him get away with it because he’d had the most wonderful threat in the form of Filly Buster. Get out of line, he warned time and time again, and I’ll give my funding to him instead. And the unicorn really did need the funding.

Yet Mr. Rich – calling him ‘Doctor’ was an unimaginable insult to all scholars – forgot a fundamental principle of politics: a threat only works when you don’t carry it through.

Time to show these two who’s really in charge.

“I understand,” Lyra Heartstrings lied as she turned away in faux disgrace. “I guess our partnership is at an end, then- ”

“YES!” the new favorite leaping and thrusting into air with unbridled joy, had apparently grasped Filthy Rich’s intentions at long last.

*

Mane Street, Ponyville

Ponyville took on new airs in the wake of the Dragon Migration. The roads were jam-packed, the air abuzz with chatter and song. Squirrels zipped amid the potted plants and hedges; hawks and buzzards swooped overhead, a sea of mice parting before them in instinctive terror. Cows and minotaurs and cockatrices and – urgh – snakes: all the world’s animals, everywhere!

All this would have been a great testament to the diversity and tolerance of the Equestrian population were it not for the fact that Ponyville’s crippled government was currently NOT dealing with a refugee crisis.

“Hey! Stop that!” Councilor Twilight Sparkle HP ordered as an owl soared into the sky, a squealing weasel caged within its grasp.

A burst of magic quickly drew the perpetrator back to land. “Mr. Owl, if you’re going to seek asylum in Ponyville, you’re going to have to live by our rules, got it?”

“Whoo?”

“Who what?”

“Whoo!”

“That’s what I said- argh! Speak Equestrian!” the magical unicorn growled in frustrat-

A sudden scream ahead distracted the lavender pony long enough for the owl to wiggle free and escape. “No! Don’t you go away! Don’t- urgh!” The bookish mare galloped up the street, rudely shunting spiders and lizards and ponies and bears out of the way to much opprobrium.

The stags were separated easily enough (“No, ‘traditional culture’ doesn’t give you the right to duel in Market Square!”), but Twilight really couldn’t delay any longer. As ‘fascinating’ as dealing with this influx of refugees was – the purple mare was now eternally grateful that the Dragon Migration occurred only once per generation – Twilight nevertheless pushed open the door to Bon Bon’s sweetshop, Fluttershy’s impotent attempts at law enforcement following behind her.

The store was packed with all kinds of animals, as was expected. “Ms. Bon!” the poor mare cried over the din. “Bon Bon!”

The confectioner was concentrating on other matters. “Look, it’s not my fault if I gave you misleading information!” Her voice crested over the bayings of an annoyed family of hounds. “It’s your responsibility to realize that ‘cacao’ means ‘chocolate’!”

“What are you taking about?!” Twilight intuitively demanded as she cajoled and squeezed her way through the crowds, suspiciously eyeing the 70-bit price for a packet of twizzlers. “It’s against the law to mislead customers!“

The beige-coated pony swung over and confronted the challenge head-on. “Oh yeah?” she challenged. “So you’re the Food Inspector now?”

The lavender pony was confused. “Of course not! They’re all on furlough!”

The confectioner sneered. “Then you can’t tell me what to do!”

Twilight was just about to give the unethical vendor a sizeable piece of her mind before Bon Bon diverted to more productive matters. “Get in, Twilight. Berryshine, hold down the fort while I’m gone!” she yelled, indicating a storeroom door behind the counter.

The hustle and bustle of the outside dimmed somewhat as the beige pony shut the door. “Darned refugees,” she grumbled to Twilight. “Well at least we’re making a killing in sales.”

The purple mare frowned. “It’s unethical. Those animals need the food.”

“Yeah well, nobody told the Mayor to close down Government the moment these refugees arrived from the Everfree.” The beige mare took her seat at a nearby table. “Squatters all the way up to Sweet Apple Acres, I hear.”

Unhappy memories of Applejack complaining yammering on about the endless hordes swamping her farmland, though the ability to (finally!) flog off her stock of rotten apples softened her stance somewhat. “Those animals are seeking shelter from the Dragons, and it’s our duty to help.”

“Hmph. While the Government can’t even help its own ponies,” Bon Bon retorted. “Anyway. I’m not here for chat. Lyra has a message for the Mayor.”

Twilight’s ears perked up. Lyra? This was unexpected. She drew out a quill and prepared to-

“No notes,” the confectioner held up a hoof. “No records. This has to be deniable.”

The Councilor, experienced enough to guess why, obediently lowered her implements.

“We have a common enemy,” Bon Bon tapped the table as her voice dropped. “And Lyra is willing to cooperate against him.”

The lavender pony felt her jaw hitting the ground. Really? Cooperation? Had Mayor Mare’s new stance spooked the unicorn that much? “But why?”

“That’s not important,” the confectioner answered. “Assume Lyra's giving the Mayor a chance at redemption before the inevitable defeat.”

“Right.” Twilight bit back the urge to defend her political patron, reminding herself that she was here solely to relay information. “What’s the plan?”

The beige pony took a deep breath. Hopefully Lyra was right, and this pony would possess enough sense to keep the plot hidden. “You remember all that corrupt treasure from the previous administration?”

The look on Twilight’s face suggested the need for some extra prodding.

“The one that’s still waiting for the High Court to hand down its verdict?”

“Oh. That.” The lavender mare had read about it somewhere, sometime; she remembered being vaguely surprised by the amounts locked in Ponyville’s vault, rendered unusable due to the ongoing trial of the corrupt ex-Mayor freezing all funds connected with him. That money could sure be put to good use now...

Bon Bon read her interlocutor’s mind like a book. “Well, Lyra’s thought of a perfect way to use it, both to accomplish her goal, and to peacefully get rid of the animals.”

Twilight leant in expectantly.

"We'll... " The confectioner seemed to have learnt a few tricks from Lyra as well. "We'll negotiate with the dragons!"

"'Negotiate with the dragons'... " Twilight pondered. "'Wait!' isn't that, like, against the law?"

Bon Bon moved decisively. "Firstly, it isn't a law. Secondly, it doesn't really matter if nopony knows that we broke it."

"What?" the bookish mare was momentarily confused. "You mean- "

She understood it soon enough.

"But I don't see Filly Buster doing something so stupid," the unicorn commented cautiously.

The beige pony gave a dry laugh. "Lyra always said you were too rational to be a politician. It's not all about pros and cons. It's also about how ponies feel and how they'd react in the circumstances... "

"I understand that."

"Filly Buster's on a roll now," Bon Bon revealed, without explicitly mentioning what type of roll the stallion was on. "And he's going to be letting down his guard. So we slip in the bait - an opportunity too good to resist, an opportunity to burnish his credentials... " Again, she left out what credentials she was talking about.

"... and he'll walk into it before it's too late!" Twilight completed.

Bon Bon nodded sagely.

"I'll tell the Mayor immediately," the purple unicorn replied, feeling an unnatural and somewhat embarrassing burst of schadenfreude. That was certainly something she was going to leave off the letter to the Princess. "She'll definitely agree to this."

The confectioner broke out into a mysterious smile. "Lyra sends her heartfelt thanks: to both you, and the Mayor."

*

Somewhere within the Everfree Forest, West Phalia (?)

Amid the darkness of the Forest – barely visible if not for Twilight’s horn – five ponies and two dragons were concluding their secret agreement.

“Hmph,” Garble, the red-scaled lead negotiator for the dragons – Twilight’s heart skipped a beat when she realized that she had rescued Spike from him – snorted with derision. “Namby-pamby ponies. I knew you wouldn’t dare fight us.”

Lyra decided not to respond to this insult. “Please accept our tribute, oh great Dragon negotiator, before you depart for better lands.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” his fat companion, Belcher, answered as he trundled up to claim the spoils.

He was abruptly stopped by a piece of parchment being shoved into his belly. He looked down with disdain.

“Please s-sign this first.” Mayor Mare stuttered slightly under the focus of the terrifying creature.

“Give me that!” Garble snatched the parchment, offended at being bypassed. “Let’s see… 'Upon receipt of the aforementioned tribute, the Dragon Horde agrees not to approach the vicinity of Ponyville for another two centuries and to tell nopony about their agreement…' ahh, fine: it’s not that long anyway.” He singed the tip of his claw with some moderate heat and scratched an ‘X’ for his signature.

The lavender unicorn took back the scroll. “Alright. Ms. Coin, please sign on behalf of the Ponyville Government.”

That was quickly done, albeit with no small amount of grumbling as to ‘unpaid overtime’ and 'lack of insurance'.

The purple pony now turned to Filly Buster. “Now, Councillor Buster, please sign on behalf of the Ponyville electorate.”

The old fool snorted happily. “Well, at least we all know who’s the up-and-coming Mayor here!” he croaked with glee.

“Oh, yes!” Lyra replied enthusiastically. “This is the kind of decisive leadership Ponyville needs, unlike that ugly old hag over there.” She pointed haughtily at Mayor Mare.

“You know,” the tan pony responded with equal virulence, “You should really buy some mouthwash.”

“Funny, I’m not the one who’s a racist and a- “

“Both of you!” Twilight yelled. “We’re supposed to be a negotiating team! Show some unity, please!”

Both ponies looked away from each other with gusto.

“Let me tell you this,” Filly Buster observed as he handed the scroll back to the magical unicorn. “When I’m Mayor, I’ll put an end to this nonsense.”

Lyra and Mayor Mare seemingly scowled at each other.

*

The ‘Duke of Mane’ Restaurant, Ponyville

Only a few tables occupied in the eatery; just how Mayor Mare liked it. Sure, the continuing shutdown still meant that restaurateurs continued on with their little tricks (Buy a soda and get up to 50% off your meal!* – *provided your meal is the 700-bit laitue grosse avec des truffes noires du Ponigord) – but, at least, ponies now had room to breathe.

“Mayor Mare!” Filly Buster stomped up to the bespectacled mare like an enraged bull. He was obviously flustered. Lyra Heartstrings must have met with him beforehand.

“Please sit, Councilor Buster.”

Straight to brass tacks – a facsimile of the Dragon Treaty slipped deftly before the white stallion. “Now, you don’t need me to tell you how serious this is. Disposing of legal property before the Court has reached its verdict… trading with the enemy in clear violation of the Equestrian embargo… this is treason, Mr. Buster.”

Filly Buster didn’t even bother looking at the pictures before his demeanor turned into one of panic. “B-but… you were there too, M-mayor!”

The gray-maned pony frowned. “Was I?” she wondered out aloud, absent-mindedly slipping over her itinerary. “I personally recall attending a meeting with Councilor Heartstrings and Ms. Sparkle during the alleged time period. In fact, I only know the time you went out on your mission to the Dragons, because of your insistence that Ms. Coin go along with you. She was most reluctant.”

The white stallion paled even further, seeing his Mayoral ambitions fast crumbling into dust. “B-but that’s impossible… it’s… it’s a trick! A conspiracy! You two are in it together!” Suddenly enraged, he jabbed an accusatory hoof directly at the Mayor. A couple of diners gave passing glances.

The Mayor was confused. “Us two?”

“You two! You and Lyra!” The white stallion deduced.

The tan pony slumped back, dazed. For a moment Filly Buster thought he had won.

But slowly… a grin… a chuckle… a massive laugh. “Oh that is a fine joke, Councilor! Me and Councilor Heartstrings, working together? Hilarious!”

“But it’s true! It’s true!” Filly Buster continued to insist desperately.

“Claim it all you want, but I don’t think LegCo or Her Highness would contend with such a ludicrous accustion without evidence,” Mayor Mare stressed.

The futility of what he was claiming finally got to the former Mayoral favorite. Filly Buster slumped into his chair, defeated. “Alright,” he mumbled. “You got me. What do you want?”

It was only then that the Mayor realized that she still hadn’t paid this pony back for his betrayal, seemingly lifetimes ago. Ah well, this was revenge enough.

“Well, Mr. Buster,” the tan pony began. “Your actions still benefited Ponyville. I, personally, am willing to overlook your ‘crimes’ if you, firstly, withdraw from the election race… ”

Author's Note

GSS - Gold Solar Star
OB - Order of the Bridle
HP - Honored Pony

[1) Despite politics being a rich man's game, politicians still resent it when millionaires intervene too much, as is perhaps the case with the Tea Party. 2) Refugees usually spell trouble, most notably with the Palestinian camps in Jordan which virtually rebelled against the monarchy in 1970. 3) More generally, the troubles with large cultural minorities - Muslims in Europe and Hispanics in America being two well-known cases. 4) The fear of poor-quality foods entering America because of the federal shutdown (which impaired the FDA). 5) Lyra and Mayor Mare's plan was based on the Iran-Contra affair, where the US secretly sold missiles to Iran (supposed to be delivered by Israel, of all countries) in return for money which funded the Contras in Nicaragua, defying its own embargoes. Congress eventually convicted all the way up to the Secretary of Defense, but there was insufficient evidence to convict either VP George H W Bush or President Reagan. 6) The recent Chief Executive (e.g. Mayoral) election in Hong Kong was marred by allegations that the winning candidate repeatedly used blackmail to get rid of competition.]

(Thanks to Talon and Thorn for noting that some extra exposition was needed in Bon Bon's explanation of the plan!)

S2E22: Hurricane Fluttershy

Season 2 Episode 22 – Hurricane Fluttershy

The Mayor’s House, Ponyville

GALLOP POLL: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 80%/MARE (IND) 13% (±2%)

It was a commonly-known fact that the angrier the Princess Celestia was, the fewer manners she put on display.

“Mayor,” the white alicorn elucidated as she carelessly sloshed tea into the china cup, brown liquid spilling carelessly over the edge. “I cannot stress how disappointed I am at the current state of Ponyville.”

The Mayor sat quietly opposite the sovereign, hanging her head in a sort-of shame.

Her Highness grabbed the teacup and downed its contents in one audible gulp. “Harmony is the bond that brings ponydom together, Mayor,” she stated, pausing a mite to burp. “And this shutdown is assuredly not Harmony.”

The tan pony was only in a sort-of shame because it wasn’t all her fault: what about Lyra? What about the Ponyville citizens?

“Perhaps you think it’s LegCo’s problem,” Celestia observed as she idly examined her hooves. “Fine. But you are the ultimate authority here. You shall be held responsible.”

The bespectacled politician conceded. “I apologize for any distress this has caused you, Your Highness.” Typical. No solutions. Only more demands.

The Sun Goddess cleared her throat and spat out a gob of Godly yuck. “You are not yet doomed, Mayor. Yet the Royal patience is finite.”

*

Weather Station Ground Control, Ponyville

“You sure this won’t lead to more disharmony, Mayor?” Councilor Twilight Sparkle asked uneasily. “I mean, you saw all those reporters getting off the Friendship Express… the hype machine for this by-election is going to be in full swing!”

Her political mentor tried to be comparatively blasé. “Part of the democratic procedure, Councilor Sparkle.”

“Hey, you two!” Head of Weather Rainbow Dash finally trotted over. “Mayor, the water’s up and running to Cloudsdale, right on schedule!”

“Wonderful news, Ms. Dash, wonderful news,” Mayor Mare said, her mind on other matters. "Couldn't have done it without you."

“Heh,” the cyan pegasus couldn’t resist. “So you know, a little pay rise would be nice?”

“Actually, Rainbow,” the bespectacled mare answered. “I have a better idea.”

The pegasus’ ears pricked up. “Really?” she gasped incredulously, not even daring to dream. “Its it a meeting with the Wonderbolts? An extra, extra-special book about Daring Do?”

“Ehh… not really,” Twilight responded awkwardly. “It is kind of special, though.”

“Ms. Dash,” Mayor Mare beamed. “Would you like to run for Councilor?”

“Council- what?” The prismatic mare scratched her head, crestfallen. “Oh. You mean those old farts in Town Hall. No thanks.”

“But Rainbow!” the purple pony urged. “All those ponies voting for you – cheering you wherever you go! The amazing opportunity to rename- “

“No. Thanks!” The athletic mare crossed her forelegs in an act of finality. “No offense, Twilight, but as a general rule: whatever you like, I don’t.”

The unicorn pouted. “Come on!”

Rainbow Dash huffed. “I’m not dumb.”

Mayor Mare joined in. “Please, Ms. Dash… ”

“No!” The pegasus began flying away.

“After all, I’m the only thing preventing Ms. Heartstrings from firing you… ”

Rainbow Dash’s wings stopped mid-flap. The pony turned back apologetically, having seen the light. “Oh! Uh, I never said I wasn’t going to do it!” she backtracked lamely. “I just needed time to decide, that was all!”

“So you decided yet?” the bookish mare pressed.

“Yeah… I think I’m going to love being a Councilor!” the pegasus enthused.

*

Town Hall, Ponyville

“So I will be presiding over the LegCo by-election for Ponyville Eighth Ward, recently vacated by the resignation of Mr. Filly Buster,” the head of the West Phalian Electoral Authority, Mr. Gerry Mander, read out. “An opening reminder to everypony that all irregularities should be reported to the Authority posthaste.”

“Hear, hear!” Lyra Heartstrings called out.

Mr. Mander got down to work. “Now with the hellfire and brimstone over, the candidates! First, the Independent Candidate on stage please – Ms. Rainbow Dash!”

“Whooo!” Twilight and her friends cried and stomped, Scootaloo skilfully orchestrating the Fan Club legions in the background. “Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash!...”

The cyan candidate blushed and giggled at the sight, head going straight into clouds as she ascended up the stage. She had sort of guessed that this part would be good, but not this good!

Rainbow Dash tried in vain to focus on her task amid the cascading din and her own inflating ego. “Citizens of Ponyville…” she began as she patted around for the script – she left it at home, darn it! No matter: “Citizens of Ponyville!” she leapt up into the air, stirring up the crowd as only she could. “I am Rainbow Dash, and I. Am. Awesome! And if you vote for me, you’ll be awesome too!”

Mayor Mare facehoofed as the whole left of the aisle rose up in delirium. “Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash!... ”

“Oh come on, Mayor!” Twilight rasped in between hoarse yells. “Whatever she’s doing, she’s doing it right!”

It was a long time before the crowd wore itself out and the cyan pegasus finally came back to Equestria. Mayor Mare had to admit: Dash really did possess the star power to win, even without other things such as agendas and expertise and PR. Top that, Lyra!

The lime-green unicorn, cool-headed as always, smiled in answer. “Our candidate will come out now, Mr. Meander.”

“As you wish, Councilor Heartstrings. For the Equine Party – Ms. Fleetfoot!”

Mayor Mare blinked dumbly for a second. Who?- ah, ponyfeathers!

The crowd on the right rose up as one. “Won-der-bolt! Won-der-bolt! Won-der-bolt! Won-der-bolt!”

That look on Rainbow Dash’s face... her prior arrogance collapsed utterly as the white-maned, cyan-coated pegasus swept onto the stage, pure gormlessness assuming its place.

The chants increased in intensity as Fleetfoot took to the lectern. “Won-der-bolt! Won-der-bolt! Won-der-bolt!”

Fleetfoot motioned for silence. “Citizens of Ponyville… ”

The panicked cyan pegasus scuttled down the stage and towards Twilight and the Mayor. “Are you two crazy?!” she scolded, horrified tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m running against a…a Wonderbolt?!”

Both Twilight and Mayor Mare were as confused and dismayed as the poor mare was. “I didn’t know, Rainbow, I didn’t know!” the lavender pony pleaded. “How could – how did Lyra even find a Wonderbolt with enough free time for this!”

The cyan pony was in no mood for explanations. “I can’t run now! I have to leave!” she hissed anxiously. “What if the Wonderbolts find out? I’ll never get in after this!”

“Rainbow,” Applejack butted into the conversation. “If you drop out now, we’ll look like right fools in front of them national-media ponies!”

“But the Wonderbolts… him!” the weathermare pointed a trembling hoof at the uniformed pegasus, still busy narrating her election stump.

“Well,” the orange mare callously reasoned. “You’re on camera, so the Wonderbolts know you’re runnin’ ‘gainst them: there ain’t nothin’ left to lose...”

“Applejack!” Rainbow Dash was near-bawling. “This is my dream you’re talking about here!”

Twilight turned worriedly to her political patron. “Mayor… ”

The bespectacled mare looked at Twilight – at a sniffling Rainbow Dash – at Lyra Heartstrings smirking from across the room… she answered them all with a heavy sigh. “Fine. She can resign.”

The purple pony gazed on unhappily. “But… ”

“Well, no point in forcing her… I’ll survive.”

The magical unicorn regarded Mayor Mare some more, purple eyes shimmering with tears herself.

“No, Rainbow, no!” The purple pony turned back towards her hiccupping friend. “You’re going to show Equestria what you’re made of, and you’re going to kick Fleetfoot’s flank back to Cloudsdale!”

“B-but…” The pegasus remained unmoved. “She… she's a Wonderbolt!” she howled in despair.

“Rainbow!” Twilight shook her friend determinedly. “If the Wonderbolts care that you’re running against Fleetfoot, then maybe you shouldn’t be joining them!”

“Yeah! I bet that no-good skunk Lyra set you up for this!” Applejack angrily glared across the aisle. “I’m tellin’ you, one of these days, I’ll show her… ”

“Rainbow Dash!” The frustrated magical unicorn appealed once more. “If you dare give up now, I’ll never forgive you!”

“But… ”

“No buts, Rainbow Dash!” Twilight raised her voice angrily. “You wear the Element of Loyalty! Now you can choose between either the Wonderbolts, or us!”

“But… ”

“Yeah, Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie Pie bounced in. “I didn’t invite everypony here for nothing!”

“Darling, you do have to press on… there’s nothing the Wonderbolts hate more than a so-called ‘loser’… ”

“We’ll all be voting for you, Rainbow Dash! I mean, I’m not from the Ward, but I’ll try… ”

“Darn it, Rainbow, you get back up there right now!” Applejack began to shove.

The prismatic mare whimpered. “But… ”

And with one long, broken groan, Rainbow Dash slowly got up and made her way back to the stage.

“…and I’ll also make sure that the weathervane on top of… ” A sudden explosion of voice drowned out Fleetfoot’s voice entirely, though not from the crowd that she was expecting. “Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash!... ”

The still-upset pegasus creaked out a smile and bravely waved. “Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash! Rain-bow Dash!...”

Lyra’s side tried to fight back. “Won-der-bolt! Won-der-bolt! Won-der-bolt!” But it was a lost cause: they could never match Rainbow’s energized supporters, now screaming and stomping with wild abandon… Twilight Sparkle, her friends, the Rainbow Dash Fan Club, Pinkie Pie’s invitees, hollering and jumping and waving flags for Rainbow Dash – for Ponyville!

The tables were now completely turned. For a moment, the lime-green unicorn sat, stunned, as if she couldn’t believe that a Wonderbolt couldn’t dissuade Rainbow Dash from the race! But alas, it was fleeting: the unicorn quickly mustered an angry scowl, blood boiling, simply unable to accept that she was losing ground now: not now, not when she was so nearly there, so so nearly there…

Mayor Mare filed away that ominous thought. For now, she was back in the game.

*

Admirably, Rainbow Dash didn’t spend the election cycle calling in sick or moping around. Instead, she – however begrudgingly, however sourly – conducted her election duties with some diligence. Thank Celestia that Pinkie Pie was such an amazingly talented campaigner, using every trick in the book to cajole, convince, reason with and downright force ponies to vote for the blue pegasus. The numbers had to be good.

Reception from the national press was positive – ‘DASHED! SHUTDOWN TOWN CANDIDATE SHOWS REMARKABLE TENACITY’, ‘WONDERBOLT FAILS TO DETER PONYVILLE MAYOR’, ‘IN PONYVILLE, A RAINBOW AMID THE SHUTDOWN’. Predictably, the Express was glaringly absent, but ponyfeathers to it!

*

Election cycles for by-elections were inevitably short, and soon Mayor Mare and her allies found themselves in Town Hall once again, waiting with bated breath as each new Ward 8 ballot box was poured out onto the counting table. “Another ten votes for Rainbow Dash!” Twilight whispered as she studied every utterance of the election workers like a hawk.

“Whatever,” Rainbow Dash grumbled. “My life is already over.”

“Princess Celestia was very proud of what you did,” the magical pony reassured. “I’ll bet she’ll be writing to the Academy soon.”

The prismatic mare groaned despondently.

“Fillies and Gentlecolts!” the voice of Gerry Mander suddenly boomed over the intercom. “On behalf of the Electoral Authority of West Phalia… ”

Mayor Mare leant closer.

“…I am glad to be able to announce…”

Twilight Sparkle leant closer.

“…the results of this by-election- “

Everypony leant closer.

"... have shown the winner to be R- "

“STOP!”

Mayor Mare’s heart skipped a beat.

“I am here to report an irregularity!” Lyra Heartstrings marched up towards the Election Commissioner, hovering a stack of papers above her.

The lavender pony went googly-eyed. “W-what!” she spat out. “We did everything by the book! You can’t- “

The opposition leader didn’t hear her. “Over the past few days, we’ve asked the Census Board to conduct a survey of Ward 8... ”

Twilight was furious to the verge of tears. “No, no, no. This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening!”

“And we’ve found out that Ward 8 actually has a voter population of only 498 ponies!” the lime-green unicorn concluded triumphantly.

Mayor Mare felt sick to her very stomach.

Mr. Gerry Mander paused. “Oh my.”

“That’s right, Mr. Mander!” The opposition leader marched up to the table where the votes were being counted. “Ward 8 has less than 500 voters and so is actually a pocket borough!”

“Argh!” Twilight Sparkle opened a notebook (an unused one, just to be safe) and began blindly tearing out the pages within.

“Pocket boroughs are a perversion of the electoral law!” Lyra announced to the stunned audience below. “No voting district is meant to be this minuscule! And so, we need to get rid of them whenever they occur!”

“Well!” The Election Commissioner flipped through the files as Mayor Mare could only watch helplessly on. “If the information is real – and a quick call to the Board should confirm this – this does mean that Ward 8 will be abolished as an independent voting district and this election to be rendered void- “

An unholy rage from an audience member below as the doors slammed open. “Twilight!” Mayor Mare bolted, the rest of the pony’s friends in hot pursuit.

Twilight Sparkle collapsed into a sobbing heap not far from Town Hall, absolutely unable to accept that all their hard work – all that convincing and stumping and hoping – had been ruined by a technicality. “I can’t believe this!” she screamed as beat the ground with her hooves. “We won, fair and square!”

Mayor Mare gingerly approached her protégé. “I’m so, so sorry, Twilight... ” never thought I’d be apologizing for my election defeats, “...but there’ll always be- “

“There’ll never be a second chance, Mayor.” Twilight turned up towards the tan pony, her eyes streaked with angry, furious red. “They’ll never give you another chance: the whole thing was rigged from the start.”

Ironically it was now Rainbow Dash who was attempting to comfort her friend. “Hey… don’t think like that, Twilight. Ponies lose all the time. We’ll get back at Lyra, I promise.”

The lavender pony was in no mood to listen. “If this is democracy,” she seethed through gritted teeth and a bitter scowl, “then it can go kiss my purple flank.”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Getting people-of-the-hour/celebrities to run for political office is not uncommon (e.g. Pacquiao in the Philippines). 2) Rainbow Dash's speech is personality politics in a nutshell. 3) It's common for parties to field candidates that specifically target their opponent's personal weaknesses - e.g. veteran John Kerry vs. draft-deferrer Bush. 4) By-elections have short cycles and usually come before actual elections, and so are usually seen as bellwethers by the press, especially in the UK. 5) 'Pocket boroughs' are voting districts with few voters, making them easily winnable via bribery. A famous case was Old Sarum in the UK, which elected two Members of Parliament despite having 0 residents. 6) US elections have been lucky in the sense that candidates who lost due to perceived "cheating" (Tilden, Nixon, Gore) have accepted their defeats with good grace. This not the case in many other countries (e.g. Calderon vs. Obrador in Mexico, 2006).]

(Thanks Hypastpist for reminding me that Fleetfoot is actually a mare!)

S2E23: Ponyville Confidential

Season 2 Episode 23 – Ponyville Confidential

Ponyville Schoolhouse, Ponyville

GALLOP POLL: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 71%/MARE (IND) 23% (±2%)

Featherweight’s reign as Editor lasted a single day.

Councilor Twilight Sparkle put down the latest edition of the Ponyville Express: REVEALED: THE SNOOP-IN-CHIEF OF THE SHAMEFUL FOAL FREE PRESS!, her hooves shuddering with barely-suppressed anger.

“He’s just a foal,” she whispered menacingly. “He’s just… a foal.”

Cheerilee put a consoling foreleg around the weedy ex-Editor. “I’m so, so sorry you had to be put through this, Featherweight,” she consoled. “I’ll make sure nopony thinks less of you for it- ”

The whole gathering suddenly jumped as Twilight brought her hoof down onto the table. “Enough is enough!” the lavender pony declared. “I won't let Filthy Rich run this entire town!”

The tan pony shifted uneasily. “What do you mean?”

The magical pony didn’t offer a direct response. “Ms. Cheerilee,” she gestured to Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, still working on the team though not as Gabby Gums. “Don’t you think these three fillies here would make fine editors?”

An exasperated huff. “I’m just happy that their dirty laundry has already been exposed.” The schoolteacher turned and posed one simple question to the trio. “So, wanna be editors?”

For the first time in their lives, the Cutie Mark Crusader Prospective Editors responded with some reluctance. “Well… ” Scootaloo began uneasily. “I don’t really feel like running the Foal Free Press… ”

“Oh come on!” the bookish mare protested. “Don’t you feel bad that Rainbow had an election victory stolen from her?”

“Well of course!” the orange pegasus filly jumped up into the air, momentarily buoyed by her indignation. “Lyra was being totally unfair on Rainbow and she should’ve-“ her eyes abruptly brightened with realization. “Oh, I do think I want to run the Foal Free Press, Twilight!”

“But Scoots, we don’t know how,” Applebloom kindly reminded.

“Well don’t you worry about that!” the unicorn giggled maniacally. “I know how!”

The gray/pink-maned politician glanced at Cheerilee. The teacher shook her head and shrugged. No other option for this poisoned chalice. “Well, girls. You listen to what Ms. Sparkle here has to teach you about editing, alright?”

The three energized fillies nodded with enthusiasm. “Sure, Miss Cheerilee! YAY! CUTIE MARK CRUSADER NEWSPAPER EDITORS!”

“Great, great!” Twilight grinned at the Mayor, a few hairs hanging loose off her mane. “Oh, we’ll take Filthy on a ride he’ll never forget!”

The bespectacled pony pretended to smile, suspicion gnawing that whatever cure her political protégé was planning to administer, it was likely worse than the disease.

“Ponyfeathers,” Cheerilee shared similar sentiments. “But I can’t care about this anymore.”

*

Chairpony’s Room, Filthy Rich Industries, Ponyville

Filthy Rich was going to have to learn to be a gentlecolt pretty darn fast. “Ma’am,” the stallion greeted sweetly, rising up to draw out a chair for his political pawn- no, political partner! – Councilor Lyra Heartstrings.

“Mr. Rich.” The lime-green pony returned the gesture a faint smile of superiority. Back in control now – just the way it should have been.

“So glad that we are working together again, Councilor,” the industrial baron chatted as he poured out two glasses of fine Henneighsy. “To a long and lasting partnership, Ma’am.”

Clink. “A long and lasting partnership.”

Filthy Rich resumed once the liquor had gone. “Anyway. To business. So, the Foal Free Press.”

The unicorn gazed into the distance. “Getting rid of Featherweight was a bad move.”

“My Baby Tia needed it,” the manufacturing magnate explained. “I get rid of him, she continues with the painting masterclasses. Have to start padding out her CV if she’s going to enter Pranceton.”

“I see. Well good luck.” Lyra rummaged around in her saddlebags. “Although with the way the FFP is going, you may you may want to start looking for a ticket out of Equestria.”

The industrial baron raised an eyebrow.

A copy of the day’s Foal Free Press slid over to him, a very different animal compared with its predecessors. “’SUPPRESSION OF THE PROLETARIAT: POLITICIANS AND CAPITALISTS IGNORE THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE’... what kind of bunk is this?!” The rotund stallion looked up, somewhat baffled by the words.

“It's angry about Rainbow Dash,” Lyra Heartstrings clarified. “You know, the totally legal disqualification of her election victory.”

“Ok…?” Filthy Rich passed back the offending paper. “So the FFP’s now rooting for the Mayor. Buy them out!”

“It’s not that simple,” Lyra began as she traced out an offending paragraph. “’Citizens of Ponyville, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains! Filthy Rich and his political pawns seek to dominate Ponyville and exploit it for their own selfish gain! The current crisis can only continue until either the citizenry or the moneyed class gives way! If we desire a better world, we MUST overthrow the burden that oppresses us!’”

The industrial baron was unimpressed.

The unicorn sighed. “Mr. Rich, Ponyville’s in chaos right now and the street is looking for someone to blame. And under the FFP’s new management-“ she glanced at the author’s name: Dull Sunrise (by Celestia, somepony needs to learn subtlety), “ –they have decided to pin it all on you. Me too, but mainly you.”

Filthy Rich threw his head back, not giving one whit in the world. “Come on, Lyra. Everypony’s still going about their normal business. Nopony’s angry enough to believe in these conspiracies. We’ll take the steps to suppress the FFP and everything will be fine.”

Lyra lowered her voice to a murmur. “This is a dangerous gamble, Mr. Rich.”

The industrial magnate waved his hoof dismissively. “Any casino in Las Pegasus will tell you that I am rather acquainted with Filly Luck.”

Filthy’s mind was set, and Lyra knew that there were limits to her power. Yet she was certain the millionaire had misjudged the municipal mood: in the restaurants, the market, at home, ponies were now on edge more than ever, utterly frustrated at their political system, painfully sensitive to even the slightest hint of crisis.

Ponyville was becoming a giant tinderbox, and Filthy seemed content to play with fire until – BANG!

Perhaps the unicorn needed to start believing in Filly Luck too.

*

Mayor Mare’s House, Ponyville

The roar of several hundred hooves, slowly but surely reaching its crescendo as it neared, rattling the windows and doors of the little abode.

Mayor Mare awoke with a start. “Wh- wha-?”

The tan pony stumbled towards the window, gasping at the sight. Ponies filling up the avenue in front of her house; old, young, mare, stallion – all of them cantering towards Market Square with seeming abandon, wild with panic, squealing and neighing – was it another disaster? Oh, by Celestia, we do not need another disaster!

“Mom!” Groggy-eyed Cheerilee was at the door. “What’s happening?”

“I don’t know, Cheerie; but we need to find out!” Mayor Mare replied as she quickly galloped down the stairs and out into the street.

*

Mane Street, Ponyville

Mane Street was an absolute mess. Ponies packed into every available space, pushing and shoving each other in their attempts to get ahead. Even worse, more were galloping in, contorting the Mayor and Cheerilee into shapes that they previously had not thought possible. The noise around was deafening: ponies shouting and screaming and yelling in confusion, frustration, anger. “Get out! Get out!” “I need to get in there; shove off!” “Ow! Stop pushing!”…

“W-what is going on!” the schoolteacher wheezed, buffeted amongst the masses like a leaf in a storm.

“If – I – knew,” came the politician's gasping response, insides ready to turn themselves inside-out, “I – wouldn’t – be here- “

“NO!” An angry shout – sounded like it was coming from Quills and Sofas – roiled up the crowd. “You can’t be out of stock already! You’re hiding the stuff from us so you can make even more profit!”

“Boo! Op-en Up! Op-en Up!”

Mayor Mare would have traded anything to not be the pony who now had to face down the horde. “Sorry, ponies: we’re really out, we’re really out! There’s nothing left in our store!”

“Boo!” “You’re lying!” “Stop treating us like criminals!”

“P-ponies!” the tan pony wheezed weakly. “I’m the – Mayor and can somepony- “

“Well, if you’re not letting us pay for your quills, then we’ll take them from you!” a stallion threatened belligerently

“No – ponies!” the Mayor’s voice was utterly lost within the insurgent battle-cry. “Rioting is – against- “

“RAH!” the mass of equines lurched abruptly forward as the crowd poured into Quills and Sofas, quickly sweepting aside any resistance in the way.

Mayor Mare and Cheerilee were flung to one side, haplessly watching in stricken disbelief as group after group of ponies charged into the poor furniture- oh, by Celestia, it was all the shops now, the uncontrollable rioters breaking down anything that stood in their way, going in and-

“Ranger Fluttershy!” Mayor Mare caught a glimpse of gently-cruising yellow amid the streaks of color zooming past it. “Fluttershy, you come here and you tell me what the hay is going on!”

“Oh! Oh Mayor, this is terrifying!” Fluttershy whined as she quickly obeyed, glancing nervously at the ponydom cantering past.

“What is going on, Fluttershy?” Cheerilee repeated.

“Oh… didn’t you hear?” the timid pegasus said. “The price for ink and paper tripled this morning! A few ponies went to the stationers' only to find out that the day's delivery was cancelled! And now, who knows what else is going to run out – oh, I need to buy cat food, I really need to buy cat food!”

“No delivery?” Mayor Mare asked anxiously. “But why- “

Too late. Fluttershy wasn't there.

“Ink and paper. It must be Filthy Rich,” Cheerilee surmised, voice revealing unconcealed disgust. "He supplies all of the stuff."

“But why…” the tan pony answered her own question. “The Foal Free Press.”

And in one fell swoop, her body was suddenly convulsed with an eerie feeling… one of absolute rage. How dare Filthy do this. How dare Filthy do this! It was one thing to take revenge on a school paper… but to start a riot because of that? How sick could a pony be?

“Cheerilee,” the Mayor growled. “I’m heading to the Library now.”

“Mom… ”

“You just stay put and look for me if anything’s- “

A hysterical voice suddenly pierced through the raging storm of sound. “Ponies! Ponies!” a pegasus suddenly squealed, madly brandishing her copy of the Foal Free Press. “This is what the Press said would happen! Filthy Rich is the one behind all this trouble! Ponies, we need to do something now! Ponies... !”

The rioters needed little encouragement to pin the blame. “Down with Filthy Rich! Down with Filthy Rich!”

Oh, by Celestia… Mayor Mare turned tail and fled the scene as fast as her legs would carry her.

*

Ponyville Library, Ponyville

Contrary to usual practice – but then, this was definitely not a usual time – Mayor Mare burst into the Library without knocking. “Twilight, the ponies are- “

Too late, the lavender pony looked back, just in the process of rolling another barrel into the storeroom.

...unbelievable. Mayor Mare silently, slowly approached her protégé, her head feeling lighter and lighter. No. No. This has to be a misunderstanding. There’s no way these barrels-

On the sides were stamped the indelible words: “INK”.

Mayor Mare stumbled towards the wall and leant shakily on it. “T…Twilight!” she stammered. “W-what in Celestia's name are you d-doing?!”

The unicorn, at first too stunned to speak, then bit her lip, swallowed some saliva and firmly decided to come clean.

“I’m getting the ponies here to change the system. And by the looks of it, I’m succeeding.”

“What… change the system?” No. This has to be some terrible dream. Twilight… she couldn’t have done this… “What would the ponies say if they ever found out? Darn it, what would the Princesses say?”

The magical pony narrowed her eyes. “Can’t you see, Mayor?” she gestured angrily. “Ponies like Filthy and Tiara own everything in Ponyville! They’ve done all they can in this term to create more and more disharmony! And every time we challenge them through the rules, they still somehow manage to win!”

She resumed rolling barrels into the storeroom. “But if I could get ordinary ponies angry enough, they’d realize what was wrong with Ponyville!” she muttered ,increasingly to herself. “And then things would change! We’d be able to get over this stupid shutdown and these stupid arguments! Ponyville's democracy would work!”

The gray-maned mare couldn’t possibly stomach any of this.

“Twilight Sparkle!” Mayor Mare stepped forward and yanked the purple mare away from her task, vaguely feeling the tingle of magic operating on her body – but the magical mare merely cast a half-hurt, half-insulted look back at her mentor. “You can’t do this!”

“It’s for your benefit too, Mayor,” the lavender pony calmly reminded as the tan pony pinned her against the wall.

“No it isn’t… no it isn’t!” the bespectacled pony desperately denied. “Twilight, you won’t fix anything through violence! So we get rid of Filthy Rich… then what? Another millionaire to take his place?”

Twilight pouted. The Mayor had a point.

“I know you hate Filthy Rich for everything he's done,” Mayor Mare stated. “But you can’t let your emotions get the better of you - especially not for a pony of your power and influence! Twilight, protect you from yourself!”

The magical pony remained unconvinced.

“Councilor Sparkle,” the Mayor let the pony go. “Princess Celestia has given me the ultimate authority within Ponyville. I order you to teleport all this ink and paper over to the Ponyville Bridge, let me sort it out from there, and we’ll pretend this episode never happened.”

The bookish pony tried again. “But I’m trying to help, May- “

“No you're not, Twilight. Now do as I tell you.”

The would-be revolutionary leered long and hard. “Fine,” she grumbled, the barrels and papers vanishing in a purple pop. “Don’t say I didn’t do anything, Mayor.”

Revolt averted by the skin of my teeth. The tan pony heaved the biggest sigh of relief she had ever heaved. “Thank you, Twilight.”

The magical pony turned away in a huff.

Better take more precautions, Mayor Mare thought. “I think a little holiday might work wonders for you, Councilor Sparkle. The atmosphere in Ponyville is getting very toxic.”

“Uh-huh,” the purple pony said, opening the door in a clear indication for the gray-maned pony to leave. “I’ll take the next opportunity out.”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Mass hysteria is not as far-off as we'd like to think: the Oil Shock of 1973 led to panic buying and long lines at the gas pump all across the world. In the wake of Fukushima 2011 Hong Kongers literally swept the supermarkets clean in (totally unjustified) terror. 2) Mass rioting is also a phenomenon that is often associated with governmental changes, e.g. Argentina in the early 2000s. 3) The power of the media in disseminating information/propaganda is well-known, thus explaining why so many countries seek to control it. 4) Disaffected intellectuals are generally the ones who spearhead leftist revolutions: Lenin and Mao being the most famous examples.]

(Thanks Sgt. Alex for commenting that Argentina's rioting in 2000s was not "mass hysteria".)

S2E24: MMMystery on the Friendship Express

Season 2 Episode 24 – MMMystery on the Friendship Express

Mayor Mare’s House, Ponyville

GALLOP POLL: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 64%/MARE (IND) 31% (±1%)

With only a few days left until the election and trailing 30% in the polls, Mayor Mare was thinking.

Personally, she had accomplished much over the course of this election cycle. Surviving the gallons of mud being thrown at her, navigating a treacherous shutdown, even pre-empting a popular uprising – these were not run-of-the-mill incidents. The tan pony took solace in that.

Yet no solace was forthcoming for the citizens of Ponyville. The government remained closed: trash now piling up in the alleyways, vendors advancing in their shamelessness. Scarcely a week passed without some new scandal that would roil up the population. Cherished institutions were falling victim to insidious political polarization – the newest gossip being that the Cakes were now serving week-old cakes to Mayor Mare supporters. Rumor and suspicion were ruling the roost.

The tingle of metaphorical sparks lay thick in the air. The threatened riot was a warning shot. Luck would not shine on Ponyville forever.

And all this was the gray-maned mare’s fault. Was it not she who had decided to extend democracy within Ponyville? Was it not she who overruled all objections to her plan? Was it not she who believed that each pony would exercise their newfound powers rationally, voting for their own interests against the interests of the monied class?

The politician had not counted on Lyra Heartstrings’ skillful manipulation of the electorate: media manipulation, subtle inference, and flat out lying. She had not counted on the fact that for the majority of ponies, passion rather than rationality informed their political worldview, and that base slogans and simple chants would blindfold the higher functions of their nature...

Mayor Mare shook these defeatist thoughts out of her head. No, she reminded herself astutely. No. democracy can still work: with what we have here, democracy can still work!

But if she was to save the seminal achievement of her administration, Mayor Mare would have to do something soon to prove that it worked.

Then how about a Convention? the idea popped into her mind. A one-on-one discussion with Lyra about ending the shutdown would surely work. The unicorn couldn’t possibly be seen to oppose something like that. They could then, however angrily and begrudgingly, hammer some compromise out, alleviating the present danger and demonstrating to Ponyvillians that democracy could also bring order to the troubled town.

Besides, as leader of Ponyville the Mayor would also receive the lion’s share of the credit.

No contest, then. Mayor Mare reached over for a nearby phone.

*

Lyra Heartstrings’ House, Ponyville

She was finally here. After all the bitter disappointments, the endless fighting, the negotiations with Filthy, the back-and-forths with fellow Councilors and her conscience-aching tactics, Lyra Heartstrings was finally here. At last, after so much heartbreak that not even Bon Bon could assuage, the unicorn was reaching the top!

The lime-green pony giggled again as she surveyed once more the exquisitely-wrapped scroll between her hooves.

The Lord Chamberlain is commanded by
Her Royal Highnesses the Princess Celestia and the Princess Luna
to cordially request the assistance as bridesmaid of
COUNCILOR LYRA HEARTSTRINGS
in the Marriage of
Her Royal Highness the Princess Mi Amore Cadenza
with
Cpt. Shining Armor BSS
at the Royal Canterlot Palace.
Further details will be forthcoming once a response has been received.
Do notify the Registrar if you desire to invite additional guests.
RSVP, regrets only.

Oh, if this wasn’t proof of the Her Highness’ favor, then nothing was!

“Ly-ra!” Bon Bon’s annoyed voice called out from the washroom. “The phone’s been ringing for a couple minutes already! Can’t you just get it?”

“Really?... oh!” the opposition leader hastily picked up the receiver. The line had cut out. Typical.

Lyra groaned further as the voicemail revealed that it wasn’t Canterlot Palace, not even a well-wisher – but Mayor Mare.

“…Councilor Heartstrings: I know we have our differences; but I feel this continued government shutdown is really hurting the ordinary folk of Ponyville. I want to a Convention between the two of us in order to solve this issue. Please respond ASAP. Bye.”

Urgh. Way to ruin the atmosphere. With the elections so close by, this overture was clearly some incompetent gimmick that the desperate Mayor was hoping could trap her. The unicorn couldn’t refuse the offer – that was political suicide. But if the negotiations succeeded, the Mayor would get credit and it would still be political suicide, albeit of a less painful sort.

The status quo was in the lime-green pony’s favor: she needed to maintain it for the next few critical days, whatever the cost.

Lyra Heartstrings put aside the Wedding Invitation and began to think.

*

Meeting Room 1, Town Hall, Ponyville

The two ponies coughed their way into the dusty room – nobody had cleaned them for some time – and surveyed the scene awkwardly, a couple of minor bureaucrats (paid for by the both of them – they could claim expenses later) in tow.

Mayor Mare glanced briefly out of the window. It was still early morning – not much movement from the rest of the town. Ponyville was quiescent – for now.

“Councilor Heartstrings,” the Mayor began emotionlessly, indicating towards a chair at the negotiation table.

“Mayor.” Lyra returned the gesture.

Mayor Mare made sure her interlocutor understood the intent of the Convention. “So, Councilor Heartstrings. We’re here to discuss ending the shutdown of the Ponyville Government.”

The unicorn nodded. “Yes- ”

“Good,” the tan pony moved on. “So first, let’s establish some- “

“- I wasn’t finished,” her counterpart cut across irritably. “I'm thirsty. I need water.”

The tan pony rolled her eyes. “Bean Counter,” she turned towards one of the youngish interns nearby. “Can you go fetch us a glass of wa- “

“It has to be Canterlot Spring Water,” Lyra elaborated. “Like actually from Canterlot. I only drink that.”

The gray-maned mare’s eyes narrowed. “Every hour we waste is an extra hour where Ponyvillians are deprived of basic services, Councilor Heartstrings.”

The unicorn responded with a leer. “Mayor Mare, you do want us to complete these negotiations, right?”

“Yes. I do.”

Lyra smiled and leant back. “Then you need me in top form and in a good mood.”

And that was that.

*

From the noise from the street it seemed like the Cutie Mark Crusader Partisan Editors had arrived, no doubt setting up their usual stall distributing free copies of the Foal Free Press and a host of other anti-Lyra literature.

Scootaloo’s voice floated upwards into the negotiating room. “Mayor Mare! Don’t despair!” “Lyra Heartstrings: Go, Go, Go! Ponyville says No, No, No!... ”

In response to these salvoes Lyra Heartstrings’ supporters also began ramping up their own political machine. “Mayor Mare! Doesn’t care! Mayor Lyra, always there!... ”

But that was all by-the-by. The real action was still in Meeting Room 1.

The water finally came: pure, cool Canterlot water, cascading down from the snowy caps of the cloud-crowned mountains.

But for the effort it took, the unicorn didn’t look that pleased at all.

“So here’s your water,” Mayor Mare leant forward. “Now can we- “

“Wait a minute,” Lyra held up a hoof. “All that waiting has made me hungry. I need to go out and eat – and after that, I need to write my column for the Express. Contractual obligations.”

The gray-maned mare glared silently at the smug unicorn.

The opposition leader returned it. “Are you trying to threaten me, Mayor?”

*

Time was beginning to run out as the Sun sank under the horizon.

“You idiots! Why would you support such a racist, corrupt and uncaring politician like Mayor Mare for office!”

“Because Mayor Mare has integrity, you foals! Unlike you slaves, who willingly bow down to whatever Filthy Rich tells you!”

“NOPONY calls me a slave! I served in the Equestrian Army for over twenty years! What have you done besides sit in front of the television and complain about things!”

“See? All the brain-dead supporters of Lyra Heartstrings can come up with is stupid ad equum arguments!...”

Cheers and booing emanating from the ground below as Lyra and Mayor Mare continued with their fruitless labor.

“Actually, reading this statement of intent, I have a few objections that will need to be corrected before proceeding,” Lyra contrived a new excuse blithely. “Firstly, ‘shutdown’ is not a word in the Mareiam-Webster- “

“Alright, Lyra.” Mayor Mare couldn’t stand these delaying tactics anymore. “Why do you hate Ponyville so much? Isn’t it enough that you’ve basically thrown the whole town into chaos? Don’t you care at all about the citizens?”

The unicorn scowled. “Save it. If you really cared, you would have held this Convention long ago and not just before the election.”

I’m holding this now because Twilight just tried to coup Ponyville! “You saw what the citizens of Ponyville were capable of. They were darn close to rioting in the streets had it not been for me!” Mayor Mare’s voice softened into a plea for help. “Please, Lyra. This isn’t just about you or me – it’s about democracy.”

Lyra Heartstrings’ face darkened considerably at the hidden accusation.

“You think you can save democracy, Mayor?” the opposition leader mocked the politician. “I know you. You’d bend down and lick Filthy Rich’s hooves if he even gave the slightest hint about supporting you. When he tried to dispose of me, I got rid of Filly Buster to show him. You don’t have the strength to stand up to the powers-that-be, Mayor. Your actions corrupt democracy.”

Mayor Mare’s ears twitched at this personal insult. Perhaps it was true – admit it, it is true – but the unicorn was deluding herself.

“You won’t be any different, Lyra,” the Mayor said slowly.

“We'll see once you go away. And you will, because,” Lyra drew out a scroll and tossed it over. “I have this.”

One unfurl and the tan pony’s face whitened considerably.

“Oh yes, Mayor. Your last bulwark has abandoned you.”

*

Mayor Mare exited Town Hall dejected, her tail drooping so low it curled under her legs.

Her supporters were too busy to notice or care. “Citizens!” Scootaloo’s voice rang out to the sound of belligerent roaring and the sound of banging pots and pans. “We see, beyond any doubt, that the supporters of Lyra Heartstrings are nothing more than evil ponies bent on throwing all of us back to the days of Nightmare Moon!”

“Rah! Rah! Rah!” Legions of torches pumping up and down in response, the light glinting and reflecting off the upraised pitchforks and scythes.

Lyra Heartstrings, meanwhile, clambered up onto a nearby soapbox and prepared to work the crowd. “Citizens!” she exclaimed. “Mayor Mare has, once again, refused to compromise with us! We clearly see that she, and her ilk, are intent on throwing Ponyville into a state of constant anarchy!… ”

Even the sonority of the Councilor’s voice was drowned out by the warlike drumming of a thousand batons and clubs striking makeshift shields. “Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah!” they chanted, over and over again.

Mayor Mare looked up woefully at the night sky, a chilling melancholy sweeping over her. The chants and screaming – she had failed. There was nothing left for a pony to do.

Only Divine Providence could save Ponyville now.

*

Mayor Mare’s House, Ponyville

But all signs were pointing the wrong way. Princess Celestia had abandoned her. Abandoned them.

No. This couldn’t be possible. Come on, Mayor: just because Lyra got an invite doesn’t mean that she’s switched her support…

This isn’t fair! She how could she have done that! Didn’t she realize I was trying so hard – that Ponyville will collapse into civil war if Lyra was elected? How could she be so stupid as to make the switch now?...

Maybe the problem has been that I’ve been communicating less with Her Highness about Ponyville matters? Maybe if I pledge to seek her opinion out more frequently, she would change her mind?...

Oh, I am really trash at this job… even with Iron Will, Twilight and the Apples helping me, I still failed… maybe it’s true, it’s really time to resign and retire…

Well, no point in worrying about it now: what’s done is done, I suppose. Might as well just get over it and figure what to do with the rest of my life.

The key turned. “Cheerilee, I- “

The rest of the sentence died in her throat as she stared at an Equestrian royal.

The Princess Luna ended her conversation with the cherry-maned pony and arose from her chair. “The Lord Mayor of Ponyville,” she observed.

The gray-maned pony hastily prostrated herself on the welcome mat. “Hail to Her Highness!”

The blue alicorn rushed towards the politician. “Arise, Mayor Mare,” she said, extending a hoof in symbolic aid. She looked back at the schoolteacher, who nodded and excused herself.

Princess Luna evidently did not like to beat around the bush. “Matters of a military nature, Lord Mayor. My Sister’s orders.”

Great. More requests. “I shall execute your demands to the letter, Your Highness,” Mayor Mare replied, wondering what actually merited Princess Luna’s visit. This was not a message that required royalty to deliver.

The alicorn noted what the tan pony was thinking. “My Sister has always paid extra-ordinary attention to your fair town.”

Mayor Mare smiled painfully. Also known as ‘Ponyville is slipping into anarchy and I need to ensure that you actually carry out the order’. "We are honored, Your Highness."

“The militia, Mayor Mare. Call up the ponies. Si vis pacem, para bellum.”

“Your Highness. We shall- “ the Mayor’s eyes widened. No. Are we giving those mobs WEAPONS?

“Your Highness… ” the gray-maned mare timidly corrected herself. “May I ask why this order is needed?”

Luna’s eyes flashed dangerously, shades of Nightmare Moon gleaming. “I brook no contravention of orders.”

Mayor Mare gulped. But if the Princesses were thinking of arming the explosive tinderbox that was Ponyville, then the least she could do was argue.

The gray-maned mare prostrated herself to be sure. “Your Highness,” she began, deferentially but firmly. “Civil violence is assured if I raise the militia. If you insist on this action, may I humbly request that you issue it yourself.”

The Princess Luna raised an eyebrow. “Is that so?” she asked. “Is that what the flames in the center of town were about?”

“Yes, Your Highness.” The Mayor continued kneeling. “We are in the midst of a tense political campaign that has gotten very much of out of control.”

“Well!" Luna commented as she passed forth a quick memo. "Alta sedent civilis vulnera dextrae: I now see why my Sister has sent me here. In any case, the explanation. The border guards report a mass migration of animals across our borders. You understand what this means.”

“It means something is out there?”

The Princess of the Night nodded. “Indeed. The scale dwarfs everything we've seen before – at least, anything in your lifetime. Thus we prepare.”

“I see.”

The blue alicorn considered. “But your concerns are valid, Mayor. Stay the militia. I shall send regulars in their stead.”

The Mayor knocked her head several times on the floor. “I thank you, Your Highness.”

“Good. It is done.” The Princess of the Night got Mayor Mare back on her hooves. “Now my second task. My Sister has requested that I communicate this question to you: ‘How is Twilight Sparkle doing?’”

The tan pony’s heart skipped a beat. Oh, by Celestia, she knows…

“…fine, Your Highness.”

Princess Luna frowned. “Interesting. She predicted you would say that. I am then obliged to ask you again: ‘How is Twilight Sparkle doing?’”

She knows.

“Fine, Your Highness.” Mayor Mare repeated firmly. “She merely wants to spend some time in Canterlot, I guess. Nothing special.”

The blue alicorn’s frown only became deeper. “How strange. How odd.”

The bespectacled politician bowed. “The wisdom of Her Highness, Your Highness.”

“Perhaps that should be the conclusion to our conversation, then. I shall send along a division posthaste to Ponyville.”

The Princess turned and gazed up at the silvery Moon, memories of the past flooding back into her. “Ah, conflict, conflict! The only fact that remains true over these thousand years:

In a world
Where all the seas are brethren,
Why do wind and wave
So stridently clash?”

Author's Note

BSS: Bronze Solar Star

Si vis pacem, para bellum: If you desire peace, prepare for war.
Alta sedent civilis vulnera dextrae: Deep are the wounds which civil strife inflicts.

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Conventions (a special meeting of delegates) were used in the US to find solutions to sudden problems and crises, e.g. the Constitutional Convention of 1787 and the various Conventions leading up to the Civil War. 2) Since Conventions were generally closed-door affairs, politicians could on the surface agree to attend them, but in actuality sabotage any attempt at compromise. 3) Increasing polarization in democratic countries can turn into a self-reinforcing cycle as the polarization prevents compromise, which leads to gridlock, which leads to more polarization. An example could be the US in the runup to the Civil War, or the Redshirt/Yellowshirt confrontations in Thailand. 4) The Kuebler-Ross model, e.g. the "5 stages of grief". 5) Old-school politicians like to quote Latin a lot (especially in the UK). Luna's poem at the end comes from the Emperor Meiji of Japan (though most famously used by Hirohito before Japan's attack on Pearl Harbor).]

S2E25: A Canterlot Wedding, Part 1

Season 2 Episode 25 – A Canterlot Wedding, Part 1

Ponyville Station, Ponyville

GALLOP POLL: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 68%/MARE (IND) 28% (±1%)

A wheeze from the train, the station master raising the green flag. “All aboard!”

Colgate, Bon Bon and Twinkleshine hurriedly clambered into the carriage, Councilor Lyra Heartstrings looking back as she ascended. “Amethyst, I’m counting on you while I’m gone!” she reminded, voice rising over the stirring machinery. “Do not let your guard down these few days!”

The purple unicorn nodded, walking slowly beside the carriage. “Criticize, demonize, paralyze!” she repeated her instructions obediently, picking up speed. “I got it, Lyra- ”

“And use your judgment, Amethyst!” the unicorn yelled back, her instructions fast sinking under the billowing steam. “Don’t just follow orders; use your- !”

The horn of the Friendship Express sounded as it sped away from the platform, commencing its special journey towards the Canterlot Wedding.

*

Mane Street, Ponyville

Mayor Mare glanced uneasily out of the corner of her eye, the boisterous tunes of Equestriens Gloria ringing incessantly in her ears. Alright, he’s not saluting… not saluting yet… Now!

The tan pony stiffened up and looked straight in front, right hoof next to her temple as a sea of flags marched past in perfect time, gold-tasseled standards of the Sun and Moon rippling in the breeze; row upon row of ponies under and behind them, impeccably uniformed, silver-tipped lances glinting at their sides, pointing proudly skywards…

“You can drop the salute now, Mayor,” Major General Steel Sword noted to her right.

“Oh.” The politician meekly relaxed her limb.

An irrepressible snigger from said Major General. Civvies.

Mayor Mare let the faux pas slide. “Thank you, General Sword,” she began as she extended a foreleg. “Celestia knows we could use the 108th Division’s help round here.”

The black stallion leant over and gave it a good firm shake. “Her Lunar Highness’ orders, Ma’am. We obey – no matter what we think of them.”

The tan pony indicated out a chair. “And what you think of them is?”

Major General Sword gave a cold smirk in response.

The gray-maned mare was, luckily, sympathetic. “I hear that the Department of Defense has re-designated Ponyville as a ‘Fortress Town’,” she consoled. “So this place still has some importance.”

“Yeah, well,” the general stared aimlessly at the spectacle before him. “Hard to console yourself like that when your brother gets Canterlot East.”

“I suppose so… ”

“Ah well: do a good job here, wait until the trouble goes away, and hope for a better posting.”

Mayor Mare nodded silently.

“Anyway!” The commander turned back to more productive conversations. “Supplies. I trust that the paperwork has been done?”

Uh oh. “Um… did Her Highness not arrange it?”

The black stallion frowned. “Why would she do it? You requested the 108th to come here.”

“I guess so… ” the tan pony mumbled out some inaudible curses. “It’s just that… um… we were kind of… expecting Her Highness to do that.”

General Sword rolled his eyes and sighed. “Great.”

Various assortments of artillery and other miscellaneous contraptions were being wheeled past them.

“I mean, I could ask for an Emergency Meeting of the Legislative Council,” Mayor Mare offered sheepishly. “I’m sure that, since Equestria is in trouble, our citizens would be willing to oblige with this expense… ”

*

Legislative Council Chambers, Ponyville

“NO!” Councilor Amethyst Star, temporary Equine Party leader, grumpily banged her hoof on the table, and not just because she was attending this Emergency Session without pay. “Ponyville will not be held responsible for the expenses of the Equestrian military!”

Mayor Mare broke further into a cold sweat. By Celestia, and I thought Lyra was unreasonable… “Councilor Star. You are a citizen of Equestria. Equestria is now in danger. Surely you want to do your part in defending against our enemies- “

“No!” The purple pony banged her hoof once more before reconsidering. “Well, not to the ‘defending against our enemies’ part; but no to the idea of us paying for the 108th Division!”

“…but they’re the same thing!” the bespectacled mare pointed out.

The purple unicorn wasn’t really listening. “And it’s obvious you did this to spite LegCo, Mayor. You’re going to get voted out, so as revenge, you’re going to leave Ponyville with this massive debt that we then have to pay down!”

Oh please. “Do you think I would hold the entirety of Equestria hostage, simply to score political points?” the tan pony retorted in frustration.

The answer was obvious. “Of course you would! That’s why we’re voting against it, Mayor!” Amethyst Star declared to raucous applause.

The results were disappointing, to say the least.

YEA: 2 (with much hissing and booing), NAY: 89, NOT VOTING: 9

Not for the first time, Mayor Mare felt irritation, frustration, rage as she looked at these numbers. “Can this Council do anything at all!”

The tan pony was fast losing hope in her own creation.

*

108th Division Main Command Post, Ponyville Park, Ponyville

“It’s not my fault,” the gray-maned pony argued steadfastly. “I pushed hard. LegCo was dead set against any funding whatsoever.”

“And I only brought three days of supplies. Just great.” Major General Sword stared intently at the map, refusing to meet his counterpart’s gaze. “You know, if you’re going to make me come to this hill fort, the least you can do is not make my life any more difficult.”

“It’s not. My. Fault,” Mayor Mare repeated through gritted teeth.

“Look, Mayor.” The black stallion looked up, sick with excuses in that uniquely military way. “Nopony has any idea what the threat to Equestria is – not me, not the lovey-dovey Captain of the Royal Guard, not even Her Highnesses themselves. It could be a whole horde of Crystal Dragons; it could be some crazy disease that turns everypony into cotton wool – I don’t know. All I know is that if we want to be prepared, we need every single one of these machines- “ The stallion gestured as the mass of bleeps and bloops and the technicians operating them – “ –working24/7. I’m guessing you don’t want your ponies to die; I certainly do not want my ponies to die – not needlessly, anyway. So why don’t you figure something out before it’s too late.”

The uniformed officer looked back down at the map again, seemingly oblivious to the tan pony’s smoldering tempers.

*

Crimson Ribbon’s House, Ponyville

Another fine, furloughed day for the Secretary for Administration. Unlike the majority of his bureaucratic subordinates, the gray stallion was not too fussed about his lack of pay – after all, he belonged to that old breed of civil servant who was in it, so to speak, for “fun” rather than for purpose. After all, the income from his East Phalian estates was more than enough for decent living.

And besides, once Government reopened he could always ensure that he was first in line to be remunerated…

A gentle knocking on the door interrupted the bureaucrat’s trains of thought. Crimson Ribbon smiled as he put down his teacup. Few ponies knocked on this door; he had a good idea of who it was. After all, he’d read the news.

He opened the door. Well alright, it wasn’t who he thought it would be, but it was close enough. “Miss Cheerilee: please, do come in.”

The purple teacher gasped in awe at the lacquered bookshelves, row upon row, which lined this aristocratic bureaucrat’s house. “You are very learned, Mr. Ribbon.”

“Well, one has to do something when the children have flown... please sit. Tea?”

Brown brew swirled gracefully into porcelain cups. “So, Miss Cheerilee,” the stallion leant back as he gave the opening cue.

“Yes, Mr. Ribbon,” the cerise pony replied as she rummaged around in her pack. “You see, I’ve been going through this civics class – for free, of course, you know the thing about union hours – and Scootaloo asked a question which I didn’t know the answer to, so I thought I’d come and ask you about it.”

Crimson Ribbon smiled mysteriously. Obviously Cheerilee’s alibi was only an excuse. But he played along nonetheless. “Ah, Ms. Scootaloo: Editor of the Foal Free Press, is she not? I shall endeavor to in any case.”

“Thank you, Mr. Ribbon.” Cheerilee smiled as she riffed through her notebook. “The question is this: what does the law say about the emergency powers of the Ponyville Mayor?”

At last. “Ms. Scootaloo certainly has an eye for the political, Miss Cheerilee. This is a prickly question to answer: for there is no law in Ponyville that covers this particular subject.”

The purple pony frowned in disbelief. “Nothing?”

“Nothing. I guess Her Highnesses never thought there would be a need to suspend discussion during a disaster, what with the ideology of ‘Harmony’ and whatnot. Ponies are supposed to unite during times of crisis.”

Cheerilee swatted off the subtle jab. “So the Mayor can’t assume any Emergency Powers, ever?”

The gray stallion smiled. “That depends on your interpretation of the law.”

The schoolteacher thought of this for a moment. “Interpretation of the law?”

“Implied powers. Do you think that a Ponyville Mayor should be allowed to lead in crisis circumstances, against an intractable opposition?”

“Well… ” Now that the question had been phrased in such a way, it was kind of difficult to say otherwise. “…isn’t this for the court to decide?”

“The court is closed because of the shutdown, Miss Cheerilee. You will have to make your own interpretation.”

Great. Cheerilee certainly knew what her interpretation was going to be. “Well thank you, Mr. Ribbon. I’m sure Scootaloo will appreciate your answer.”

“Not at all. And Miss Cheerilee?”

The schoolteacher glanced back from the front door.

“Please tell Mayor Mare that even if she assumes Emergency Powers, she had better find a good reason to do so.”

Cheerilee could only give an embarrassed chuckle as she left.

*

Mayor Mare’s House, Ponyville

“Ponies!” Amethyst Star was speaking from down below. “We have finally seen Tyrant Mare reveal her true colors! Not only is she corrupt and a racist; now she wants to use the military to rule for life as well! Ponies! Your freedom is at stake! We need to do everything in our power to resist this evil dictator from taking over our town!”

Mayor Mare remained mired in her seat, caught up in her own qualms and counterfactuals, as her cabinet – assembled under the pretext of a “house gathering” – looked frustratedly on.

“What’s there to debate?” Security Chief Delta Force interrupted. “You want to protect Ponyville, right?”

“Well, of course.”

“Then you need these Emergency Powers.”

“But… ”Mayor Mare gulped. “If I use them, then I’ll be ruining the very thing I set up?”

Finance Secretary Bit Coin shrugged. “LegCo has refused to fund the military. Can you protect Ponyville any other way?”

“That’s not the point!” the gray-maned mare snapped. "Ponies should have a bigger say in how this town is run!”

“Stop the Mayor! Stop the Mayor!”

“Fat lot of good it’s done.” The Security Chief looked out of the window. “We’ve endured social upheaval, government shutdown, and near-riots because of this, and we still have very little to show for it.”

The politician could only mutter inaudibly in response.

“If I may say so, Ma’am,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon chimed in. “Your Emergency Powers will not affect the upcoming elections, which you are constitutionally obliged to hold. So the ponies still get a say.”

The gray-maned mare continued to stay silent.

Delta Force decided to press the issue. “Mayor Mare. An unknown threat is fast appearing over the horizon. Are you going to risk the lives of Ponyville’s citizens because of a few silly liberties?”

Mayor Mare tried again. “But- ”

“Isn’t it enough that ponies live happy and secure lives?” Crimson Ribbon banged his hoof on the table. “Why is it so necessary for them to have so much freedom?”

… but…

The consequences proved too much for the Mayor to bear.

The gray-maned politician looked up, a newfound determination on her face.

“I declare a State of Emergency in Ponyville. Enact curfews. Ban all gatherings. Clear the protests.”

The red stallion saluted and began muttering into a walkie-talkie.

“Mr. Ribbon and Ms. Coin, draft two decrees: one to pay the military presence in Ponyville; one to end the government shutdown as soon as possible.”

The gray stallion and the chestnut mare bowed. “Yes, Ma’am.”

“The security of Ponyville comes before everything. We must prepare quickly for the oncoming danger.”

The members of the cabinet quickly exited, a newfound bounce in their steps.

Yet despite this apparent victory, Mayor Mare could do nothing more but feel a mixture of emptiness and dread. Yes, she finally had at her disposal the tools to solve Ponyville’s many crises – and with good reason too, given the impending danger – but at what cost? Certainly her own election chances were well and truly scuppered now… unless… unless…

A distant siren blared above the raucous crowd outside. The State of Emergency was fast doing its work.

“Citizens! You are now violating the terms of the State of Emergency! Disperse immediately, or you will be arrested and put on trial… ”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) 'Fortress Towns' ('Festung') were strategic cities designated by Nazi Germany, to be held to the last man. 2) The practice of having the local region pay for its military forces (primarily for lodgings) was known as 'billeting', and was a reason for the American Revolutionary War. 3) Politicians tend to leave thorny issues/crises for their successors - encapsulated in Louis XV's phrase: "After me, the Deluge." 4) Implied powers is the idea that the wording of the Constitution authorizes actions which were not stated in said Constitution. Safety standards is an "implied power" stemming from Congress' power to regulate commerce. 5) Article 48 in the Weimar German Constitution gave 'Emergency Powers' to the executive branch without defining what an 'emergency' was. This provided a legal basis for the Nazis to suppress basic constitutional rights under flimsy pretexts. 6) Rights and liberties are usually eroded fastest in times of insecurity - bringing to mind Ben Franklin's adage that "those who give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both." 7) State of Emergencies are, obviously, declared when there is a crisis of some sort in states. While the intent of the law is to simplify decision-making procedures that might get in the way of decisive action, it is not uncommon for countries to suspend basic rights because of "State of Emergencies", most notoriously Egypt from the 1981 onwards.]

S2E26: A Canterlot Wedding, Part 2

Season 2 Episode 26 – A Canterlot Wedding, Part 2

Mayor Mare’s Office, Ponyville

It didn’t take long for Mayor Mare, entrusted with emergency powers, to slide down the slippery slope of absolute power.

Special Edition of the Ponyville Express: RISE UP, PONYVILLIANS! – TYRANT MARE ASSUMES DICTATORIAL POWERS

EXECUTIVE ORDER 23: CENSORSHIP AND BAN ON ALL SEDITIOUS MATERIAL PUBLISHED WITHIN PONYVILLE

Councilor Amethyst Star’s voice, loud and defiant, rang out over the radio. “This insidious ban of the Express proves, beyond all doubt, that Mayor Mare is out to rule for life- “

EXECUTIVE ORDER 34: INDEFINITE DETENTION WITHOUT TRIAL FOR ALL SUSPECTED ENEMIES OF PONYVILLE AND EQUESTRIA

In response to the jailing of Councilor Amethyst Star, the Ponyville Legislative Council today voted to impeach Mayor Mare…”

EXECUTIVE ORDER 109: FORCIBLE SUSPENSION OF THE PONYVILLE LEGISLATIVE COUNCIL UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE DUE TO CONTINUING INSTABILITY IN EQUESTRIA

*

Mayor Mare’s House, Ponyville

“Two. Days.” Cheerilee was again spiraling into one of her tiresome diatribes. “A hundred-plus decrees in two days! As if you haven’t done enough to destroy the very democracy you yourself created!”

Mayor Mare threw up her forelegs in exasperation. “How many times do I have tell you, Cheerie – it was for the good of Ponyville!”

“It’s always the good intentions that ruin everything!” the schoolteacher stormed. “Don’t you see? Now that you have done all this, what’s stopping Lyra from copying you once she wins the election?!”

“I’ve told you, I- “ the tan pony shuddered to a halt. She hadn’t thought of that.

The purple mare narrowed her eyes. “Oh yes. You’ll be lucky if the electorate only votes you out now. And it’s a vote you have to hold- ”

Thud.

The unexpected noise sliced through the crisp night air, followed by two similar sounds: low, dull bursts of noise, slowly beating out their tunes, mechanical precision, sounding very much… very much like…

Explosions.

Without a second thought. Mother and daughter raced to the nearest window, gazing at the sky flashing like a camera, partially illuminated by searchlights, white streaks of magic swerving upwards into the hundreds upon hundreds of tiny black dots dashing above-

“By Celestia...” Cheerilee could only mutter in awed and terrified fascination. “Celestia... the invasion… it’s coming…”

There was only one place the Mayor could think of as refuge. “The Park, Cheerilee… we need to get to the Park, now!”

Quick as a flash, the two ponies bolted out and up Mane Street, just as the low wail of the air-raid sirens began to ring.

*

108th Division Operational Command, Ponyville Park, Ponyville

HQ had become the very definition of busy. Ponies zooming around, barking orders, the machines blinking and chirping wildly, jumbled “Yes, sirs!” and “Right away!”s, the commander and his staff huddled around a map of the region, the occasional rumble chattering and shaking the equipment all around, not to mention the deluge of ponies that were pouring in from the outside...

“General Sword!” the gray-maned mare barged into the discussion. “What is going on!”

The black stallion turned up and acknowledge his civilian counterpart. “Major incursion into Ponyville airspace, Ma’am. We’re still trying to identify them.”

“Is this the invasion, then?”

The Major General shook his head and indicated out a mass of green dots on a nearby machine. “They’re flying over rather than diving down for an attack – odd. Perhaps they’re making a beeline towards Canterlot… ” A note slipped into his hooves. “Hm. Apparently these are Changelings.”

“Change- what?”

“Changelings. Shapeshifters. Saw a couple of them while I was at the border… ah.” the black stallion was abruptly enlightened. “So that’s why they didn’t attack.”

“What?”

“Changelings feed on love, you see. And this town doesn’t exactly possess much love at the moment.” Steel Sword remarked as he summoned his adjutant. “Anyway. Wire this to Canterlot, ASAP.”

“Atmospherics are looking pretty bad, Sir.”

“Pegasus, then.”

“Yes, Sir.” The adjutant glanced backwards at the screen. “Seems like the last few signals have now disappeared off of the radar, Sir. Skies are clear.”

“See? I told you they weren't planning on attacking us. Cease firing once they move out of range.” The Major General turned back to the civilian duo. “Now, fillies. Care to accompany me outside and have a look at our handiwork?”

*

Municipal boundaries of Ponyville, West Phalia

Major General Steel Sword grew increasingly unamused as he surveyed the pristine landscape, criss-crossed with streaks of light as soldiers combed the landscape for Changelings. His handiwork was proving extremely hard to locate.

“Nothing?” the black stallion finally burst out in indignation. “Nothing?! Even with all that artillery fire?”

“W-well… yes,” the poor soldier in front of him stammered, suddenly gaining an appreciation of his own worthlessness. “We were just preparing for artillery practice when the order came, Sir. I guess most of us forgot to change out of blanks...”

“Urgh!” Steel Sword knocked his head despondently. “This is the worst posting ever. You mean I’m going to have to report to Central that we did nothing to prevent the Changelings from attacking Canterlot?”

“Well last time I went to Canterlot, they had a pretty big shield surrounding the whole city,” Cheerilee began. “So I think they’ll be fine- ”

“Great,” the Major General retorted. “I’ll be sure to include that fact in my report. In any case, this means that not only am I going to not get my promotion, I’m going to get demoted because of this total debacle. What great times for us all.”

“Well, Sir,” the soldier replied tentatively. “Perhaps there’ll be a secondary attack on Ponyville… ”

“There won’t be a secondary attack on Ponyville,” Steel Sword snapped. “Why would there be? There’s nothing here for- “

He felt a sudden tapping on his shoulder. “General.”

Mayor Mare was smiling, her eyes glinting with the sort of deviousness that one would more likely associate with her political opponent.

“What is it, Ma’am.”

“Why can’t there be a secondary attack?” the mare asked innocently.

Steel Sword sighed irritably. “I told you. Changelings feed on love. There’s no love in- “

“No no no, I understand that,” the tan pony waved her hoof condescendingly. “But supposing that we invent a secondary attack… ”

“What?!” Cheerilee yelled. “You want the Changelings to attack Ponyville?”

“No, no, Cheerie; I said invent, not entice.” Mayor Mare elaborated.

It took a few seconds for the implications to register with the schoolteacher. “But… but that’s irresponsible!” the purple pony erupted again. “I… this is ridiculous! No, Mom; no!”

Mayor Mare continued grinning. “Cheerilee, you know Lyra will take her revenge out on you as well.”

“I can’t believe you’re- “ the cherry pony stopped mid-sentence, before groaning in unspeakable frustration. “Argh... fine!”

“And of course,” Mayor Mare turned towards the soldier. “If all goes well, everypony’s getting a promotion out of this, right?”

“Ma’am.” A knowing salute.

The gray-maned pony turned back to Steel Sword, extending her forearm. “So what do you say, Major General?”

A grateful commander quickly grasped the limb and shook it for dear life. “You would have made a wonderful soldier in the military, Mayor Mare.”

*

Ponyville Radio Station, Ponyville

Now was the time to take, ahem, “credit”.

“Citizens of Ponyville! I, Mayor Mare, am pleased to report that in the early hours of the night, the 108th Division has repelled a major attack by the dastardly Changelings on our great city of Ponyville! This sly and terrible enemy tried to come at us in the dead of night, but the brave soldiers of the 108th fought back with the utmost vigor and strength and sent those evil creatures running back to the Equestrian borders- “

A radio staff member crept in and hoofed the politician a note. “Mayor, Mayor; you have to announce this on air, now.”

A quick scan of the hastily scrawled note only brightened Mayor Mare’s complexion further. Could her luck get any better?

Solemn voice, Mayor; don't sound too excited! “Ahem. I have been asked to report some terrible news, citizens of Ponyville. We have just received word that the Changelings have breached Canterlot’s shield wall and are now attacking its inhabitants… oh, by Celestia… all those ponies at the wedding!”

A momentary silence for poignancy.

“We now know how dangerous the Changelings are to our way of life, Ponyvillians,” Mayor Mare announced somberly. “No city could defend itself for long against such a terrible foe. I thank Celestia for the good fortune that we had in having the 108th Division here to protect us from this dastardly enemy… remain strong, ponies, especially in these troubled times; be ever vigilant, and spare a thought for the fellow ponies who are in terrible trouble at this very moment. We will do our utmost once we get a clearer situation of what is happening there.”

The recording light blinked out. Mayor Mare looked up from her script. “Well. How did I do?”

“G-great job, M-ma’am… ” the radio producer sniffled, as if trying to hold back grateful tears. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mayor! I can’t believe how close we were to such a terrible fate – and to think that I spent all that time protesting against you, trying to prevent you from doing anything… oh, I’m sorry; I’m so, so sorry!...”

*

Ponyville Station, Ponyville

The Friendship Express slowed into town, much humbled by the events of the Canterlot Wedding. Ponies slunk out of the carriages, much humbled and chastised by their humiliation under the Changelings. The big banner on Ponyville Station reading “PONYVILLE: NEVER SURRENDER” didn’t help.

“Councilor Sparkle!” Security Chief Delta Force strode up to the unicorn and shook the hoof of the savior of Equestria (again). “An honor, Councilor Sparkle.”

The bookish mare merely blushed and giggled at the compliment. “Thank you, Captain Force.”

“So your letter mentioned a tip-off for the Ponyville Police?”

Twilight scanned the crowd flowing towards the exit. “There they are!” she pointed to a group of ponies in the crowd. “Arrest them before it's too late!”

The red stallion saluted. “Yes, Councilor!”

Quick as a flash, Delta Force barged his way past the masses of ponykind, sneaking up unnoticed behind the three ponies – no mean feat, considering his bulk – and in one deft clink, fastened a set of hoofcuffs onto the lime-green unicorn.

Councilor Lyra Heartstrings looked back, her face a mixture of daze and shock. “W-wha- ?” she murmured, glancing confusedly up at her captor. “Mr. Force... w-what’s happening?”

The Security Chief quickly turned on her two companions as well. “Councilor Lyra Heartstrings, Colgate and Twinkleshine: you are all now under arrest for suspected collaboration with the enemy; please will you all now proceed to the police station. Here are your rights- “

“Lyra!” Bon Bon’s horrorstruck shriek interrupted the scene. “Lyra, what… you can’t do this!” the beige pony bayed angrily at the Security Chief. “Ms. Heartstrings was brainwashed during the attack! Look at her face! She didn’t help the Changelings willingly!”

The red stallion merely shrugged. “I am only obeying orders, Ms. Bon.”

“But nopony else saw her... it was Twilight, wasn’t it?!” Bon Bon spat out. “The Mayor’s losing in the polls, and so she's going to have Lyra thrown into prison, isn’t she? Isn’t she?!”

Delta Force shrugged. “That's very catty of you towards a savior of Equestria. And anyway, the motive doesn’t fit. The newest poll shows Mayor Mare’s approval rating at 90%.”

“90%! But that’s- “ the confectioner had the wind knocked out of her in an instant.

“It’s true, Ms. Bon. Now please, do let me escort these suspects back to the Police Station before I charge you with obstruction of justice.”

*

In front of Town Hall, Ponyville

The night before this rollercoaster of an election, and everypony was in jovial spirits.

“Fillies and gentlecolts,” Councilor Twilight Sparkle announced. “I have the tremendous honor of introducing the savior of Ponyville – Mayor Mare!”

The crowd went wild, flags waving, cameras flashing, confetti and balloons abounding, the rolling thunder of hoofstomps and adulation: “Ma-yor Mare! Ma-yor Mare! Ma-yor Mare!”

The tan pony stepped up to the podium, the roar of the crowds seemingly lifting her up to the clouds – the whole town of Ponyville, once her tormentors, now so grateful, so happy for her, cheering her on…

Who cared that this whole scene was the result of an innocent lie? Was it not enough that everypony was now back to their happy old selves – content and united as one, the bickering and hatred of the past long since gone?

“Fillies and gentlecolts!” the Mayor began, a cheer quickly subsuming the final parts of her sentence. “Firstly, I would also like to introduce the general who played the crucial part in saving all of our skins – Lieutenant General Steel Sword!”

The crowd exploded in boisterous cheering and applause as the curtains opened to reveal the uniformed black stallion. He was clearly taken aback by the enthusiastic agreement that the masses were giving him, only managing to salute the crowd with the utmost difficulty.

Back to the main message. “Secondly, Ponyvillians; remember that we do have an election and also a referendum tomorrow, so please do go over to your local polling station and vote! This is especially important, given that I have introduced a referendum on whether or not to abolish the Ponyville Legislative Council, which has caused us all such grief over the last few- “

She need not have said anymore. The crowd roared out their clear wishes: “No Leg-Co! No Leg-Co! No Leg-Co!”

Mayor Mare’s grin grew even wider. “I think we are all on agreement on that, it seems. And thirdly- “

“Mayor Mare!”

Everypony suddenly went silent upon the thunderous command, emerging from backstage. It sounded vaguely familiar.

“Princess Celestia!” Soon-to-be-ex-Councilor Twilight Sparkle gasped.

Mayor Mare quickly prostrated herself. “Her Highness!”

The Ruler of Equestria chuckled as she stood before the tan pony. “Felicitations, Mayor Mare, and a job well done!” she exclaimed, her sonority requiring no microphone to project itself. “Where all the cities have failed; Ponyville alone has succeeded: truly the hallmark of a magnificent leader and a magnificent town!”

The crowd screamed out over and over again in sheer ecstasy. “Po-ny-ville! Po-ny-ville! Po-ny-ville!”

The bespectacled mare did the ceremonial rounds, prostrating herself even lower on the ground. “But without you, Your Highness; how could we ever possibly- “

“Do not demean yourself, Mayor Mare! This victory is your victory, and this reward- “ she gestured to the crowd before her. “ –is your reward! Arise, Mayor Mare, and receive the adulation of ponykind!”

Her Highness leant in and extended her foreleg as the crowd cheered and cheered until their throats were hoarse. The bespectacled mare, head so far in the clouds with the sheer joy of being elected, quickly grasped onto the limb and lifted herself up.

The Princess Celestia took the chance to whisper some choice words into the Mayor’s ear:

“I hope you now realize that this experiment of yours will not work in Equestria, Mayor.”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Rule by executive decree is usually a sign that democratic principles have failed in a country: for example, in Russia during the mid-to-late Yeltsin years. 2) In Imperial China it was not uncommon for generals to falsely report losses as 'victories' in order to escape punishment (as embarrassingly detailed by Lovell in her book 'The Opium War'). 3) The art of overstating your achievements and taking excessive credit is something that all politicians need to learn. 4) The referendum is a valid method of passing laws in France, allowing the President to override the objections of the parliament by evoking the will of the people. 5) Most famously, the Roman Republic ended under the rule of victorious leaders - Caesar, Antony, and finally Octavian. 6) Harmony and Democracy were generally considered by ancient philosophers to be mutually exclusive - most notably argued by Plato in 'The Republic'. 7) Practices started in one government generally carry over to new governments - such as NSA spying and drone strikes.]

(Thanks to JetstreamGW for commenting on Celestia's last line - what is she objecting to?)
(Thanks also to SpaceCommie for Particular Inspiration 7!)

S3E1: The Crystal Empire, Part 1

Season 3 Episode 1 – The Crystal Empire, Part 1

“Welcome to Election Night: Ponyville decides; we're back in front of Town Hall on this historic night I’m Timberwolf Blitzer- ”

“And I’m Racer Meadow. Wow, Timberwolf: what a ride it’s been for Ponyville!”

“Indeed, Racer and I think we’re all relieved that it’s coming to a close; very stressful cycle for everypony involved, voters no doubt remembering the government shutdown, riots and the continuing State of Emergency- ”

“Not that the result is in any doubt, of course: Mayor Mare now running uncontested, exit polls showing 95% in favor- ”

“Indeed Racer; the question is now 'what happens next' after the election, voters clearly wanting an end to the chaos of the past term... ”

“The key may well lie with opposition leader Lyra Heartstrings, currently detained indefinitely for treason: still has some swing over voters- ”

“Speaking of which, Racer, we also need to remember that there is also a referendum in this election about the abolition of the Ponyville Legislative Council; exit polls showing 85% in favour. So is democracy dead in- “

“Uh, going to have to stop you there, Timberwolf: we’re going to Town Hall, where the results are about to be announced…”

*

Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

Decisive hoofsteps ringing, one by one, around the marbled corridor, the light peeking through the crevices in the far-off door, a tantalizing glance at the paradise behind. All those trials and tribulations from the previous term, the near-deaths and the close-runs… and Mayor Mare had survived. And now here she was, stood before the glowing doorway, a nervous hoof pushing forwards, pushing open, the panels bowing down of their own accord, trumpets sounding, laurelled pegasi dashing to and fro from the high rafters: “Hail, Mayor, hail...”

“Hi, Mayor.”

Finance Secretary Bit Coin really liked popping delusions. The Mayor was going to have to talk to her about that.

“Greetings, Mayor,” Secretary for Administration swooped in, unctuous grace oozing from every pore. “And hearty congratulations indeed for returning to Town Hall.”

“Me too,” Security Chief Delta Force added, hastily tossing his half-chewed cigarette out of the window.

“Thank you,” Mayor Mare slid into her rightful leather seat, oaken desk and the golden name-plaque still bearing her name. “Well, tough election cycle, and I'm glad it's over.”

“It was indeed,” the gray Secretary for Administration bowed again, slowly erasing out memories of his sabotage. “Despite all our valiant, hard work.”

“And all our attempts to prevent disaster,” the red Security Chief added.

“Not to mention all the emphasis on government secrecy,” the chestnut Finance Secretary concluded. “But we all believed in you, Mayor; we really did!”

Mayor Mare waved a forgiving hoof around. “Oh, I’m certain of that,” she lied. “Won’t be changing the cabinet much anyway – it was my fault for not listening to you ponies last term.”

“It was indeed, politely said, a disaster,” the gray bureaucrat concurred. “And I trust that you are well dispossessed of these notions.”

“You can say that again,” the gray-maned mare chuckled as she set aside the introductory folder that she obviously didn’t need. “Anyway, to business. We need goals for this term.”

“Ah yes,” Crimson Ribbon said as he took out a notepad and a quill. “The theme.”

The bespectacled mare surveyed her court. "I'm open for bids."

There was really only one obvious answer.

“Well,” Bit Coin began. “Ponyville was clearly badly torn apart during the last term. So we really need to get ourselves back on track, right the boat, that stuff. We need reconciliation.”

"Hm." The tan pony closed her eyes and nodded. Reconciliation. A good, upbeat theme, fits in well with the doctrine of Harmony and most importantly, doesn’t translate into a list of painful, concrete actions. What more could she ask for?

“I agree with reconciliation,” Delta Force responded irrelevantly.

The more she thought about it, the better the Mayor felt. “Good, good. Mr. Ribbon, let’s go with 'reconciliation'.”

“As you wish, Ma’am… ” Crimson Ribbon’s voice trailed off as a sudden thought hit him. He shrugged and carried on. Surely the Mayor must have realized it...

The Agenda:

1. LONG-TERM – Foster reconciliation in Ponyville [ ]

But just to make sure. “You do know what reconciliation implies, Mayor,” the gray-maned stallion remarked.

“It means I’ll end the State of Emergency by dusk.”

“No cigar,” the Secretary of Administration led on. “Ponies take it as a given that you will do that. You're not conceding anything.” Obviously hadn't thought this through. How typical.

Mayor Mare frowned. "What do you mean."

"Well you have to sacrifice in reconciliation. And said sacrifice needs to be quite big here, something that would prove to ponies that you're serious about it."

Bit Coin was suddenly enlightened. “Ohh… “

The bespectacled mare remained in the dark. “Well, there’s the Equestrian Games coming up. We’ll make it more glamorous than it's ever been before: showcase our unity to the whole nation.”

“That's long-term, Ma’am; we need something more immediate. You want the ponies to have confidence in your administration, yes?”

“They already do.”

"Ponies have short memories, Mayor," the chestnut mare entered the fray. “We need something to sustain your momentum, something that would say to Ponyville: ‘I am serious about uniting this town!’”

Mayor Mare couldn’t help but notice that her Finance Secretary seemed quite passionate about the subject.

Crimson Ribbon cut windingly and exasperatingly to his point. “I’m thinking of one pony whom you'll need, Ma’am.”

The gray-maned mare scratched her head in thought. One pony? She knew two mares who wielded major influence-

Oh dear.

“Is it… is it…” The politician shuddered at the awful thought.

The Secretary for Administration beamed. “It's not Ms. Sparkle, Ma’am.”

*

Ponyville Detention Center, Ponyville

“Prisoner Number 0132,” the jailer droned emotionlessly as keys jangled into an iron door. “I’ll be at the entrance, Ma’am. Be careful.”

“I’ll be fine, Mr. Clank,” Mayor Mare reassured as the iron door opened, the metal squealing as it swung open to reveal the horrors inside: whitewashed walls, sunlight streaming from a large bay window, piles of books on fine furniture, red cushions on the panelled floor and atop an ornate bed… wait, what?

“Mr. Clank! I’d like another milkshake pl- ”

Lyra Heartstrings turned and saw not her pliant jailer, but her actual jailer.

Her furious scowl was quite predictable. “Oh.”

The tan pony wheeled incredulously back at Mr. Clank. “This is a prison?”

A somewhat-apologetic shrug. “We can't mistreat an invitee of Her Highness. The Princess would have never invited her if she was bad.”

“B-but… ” the Mayor spluttered. “But she’s collaborated with the enemy!”

“Oh great,” Lyra threw up her hooves angrily. “So is that why you’re here, Mayor? You want to make sure a noose is around my neck?”

The bespectacled mare gritted her teeth. “You know, that’s not such a bad-“ Stop, Mayor; remember what you’re here to do...

A deep breath.

“Okay. We got off on very much the wrong hoof here, so let’s start again." She cleared her throat. "Hello, Ms. Heartstrings.”

The unicorn turned back to her books. “Hi.”

“How are you feeling- “

“Why don’t you just cut the horse dung and tell me why you’re here.”

Mayor Mare suppressed her incandescent emotions. “I’m trying very hard to be nice, Lyra.“

“Nice enough to throw me into jail without reason.”

“Which, by the looks of it, seems quite a nice place...“

Lyra tapped her hoof irritably. “Just get to it.”

A pause.

Part of Mayor Mare was desperately clawing at her brain, howling with vengeful bloodlust, screaming for the punishment to continue. Wasn’t Lyra the horse that made the Mayor’s life such misery? Didn’t Lyra threaten not only her, but also her daughter, friends, associates? And didn’t Lyra…

The other part of her was fighting back with equal vigor, utilizing every rational weapon in its arsenal. Isn’t this supposed to be for the good of Ponyville? And isn’t this the best way to get back at her? Isn’t this the best time to show what a good-

“Ms. Lyra Heartstrings, do you want to be deputy Mayor?”

The world stopped on a bit.

“New position. Just for you. We can discuss responsibilities later.”

The lime-green pony's ears wiggled about, as if she – justifiably – could not believe what she had heard. She wisely kept her back turned to the Mayor. “What?”

“I said: ‘Ms. Lyra Heartstrings, do you want to be- ’”

“Deputy Mayor?” the opposition jailbird gave a dry laugh. “You think I want to work under you?”

“Well look, you can either accept it or stay here- “

“Great. More stupid threats.”

Another uncomfortable silence.

The gray-maned mare was feeling more and more like an actress in a movie. “Come on, Lyra. Don’t do it for me. Do it for Ponyville.”

The lime-green pony opened a book and began to flip through the pages.

“I need you out there, Lyra,” the Mayor continued. “Without you, Ponyville’s wounds are never going to heal... ”

The relentless rustling of book leaves.

“…look, it was partially my fault.” Mayor Mare began doling out concessions. “I shouldn’t have introduced all that democracy without testing it beforehand. I'm sorry.” There. Are you happy now?!

Lyra remained buried in her reading.

The bespectacled mare sighed. “Well it’s a lot to take in, I guess. Just tell me whenever you feel like it. Mr. Clank!”

“Yes, Ma’am. Come out and I’ll shut the door.”

“Right,” Mayor Mare replied as she stepped out of-

“When do I start?” Lyra Heartstrings asked.

*

Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

The new cabinet assembled before her: Lyra Heartstrings, Crimson Ribbon, Bit Coin and Delta Force. Desultory introductions.

“Now, to the real work,” the bespectacled mare began. “The current goals of this administration- “

“Administrative reform,” Deputy Heartstrings butted in. “There’s a lot of waste here that can be- “

“We’ve already chosen the goals of this administration, Ms. Heartstrings,” Crimson Ribbon cut her off. “It's reconciliation.”

The lime-green pony sank back into her seat and crossed her forelegs, her face conveying infinite displeasure.

Mayor Mare continued uneasily. “Right. So there’s a lot of stuff where we can start trying to repair the cracks in our town. Symbolic things, you know: Equestrian Games, foreign delegations… ”

“A Summer Harvest Parade?” Lyra suggested. She was actually being quite helpful-

“What?” Crimson Ribbon spluttered derisively. “Only farmers go to those things... ”

The lime-green pony growled, dark suspicions slowly bubbling to the surface. “Well we can make it a big deal. Extra special. Floats and everything.”

“Right. Another expense for our infinite budget, no doubt- “

“And the Equestrian Games are going to cost how much, again?- “

The aristocratic bureaucrat bristled slightly at being so directly challenged; not something that he was accustomed to from Mayor Mare. Only one solution.

“Mayor Mare,” he turned to his superior. “I believe you should decide as to the utility of- “

Lyra’s face turned beet red. “Hey!” she stomped on the floor in a fit of rage, prompting a frightened squeal from the Finance Secretary. “I’m Deputy Mayor now! You will answer me!”

Decades of civil service had inured this gray stallion to the temper-tantrums of foalish politicians. “Public festivities are not within your purview, Ms. Heartstrings. Now Ma’am,” he bowed towards Mayor Mare. “Please decide- “

"Then what is in my purview?" Lyra interrupted brusquely, steam escaping from her ears.

Crimson Ribbon sighed. "I don't know, Ms. Heartstrings. Now Ma'am- "

"Mayor!" The lime-green pony swooped in between the bureaucrat and the tan pony, hooves slamming onto the desk. “I’m not going to be window-dressing, Mayor,” the warned, her voice soft and eerily threatening. “You'll tell me – now – what responsibilities I have.”

Gulp. The Mayor wilted somewhat before Lyra Heartstrings’ looming figure. She had banked on having more time to make up formally prestigious yet practically powerless roles she could dole out to this historical enemy.

“Well,” the bespectacled mare chuckled tersely, leaning back all the while. “Legally we've made you the Secretary of the Cabinet.”

The unicorn narrowed her eyes. No words required.

Oh come on! “You get to talk to the press and defend the government from scurrilous accusations.”

“Mayor.”

Please don’t make me choose... “You also get to be acting Mayor while I’m away- “

“Mayor Mare,” the lime-green pony growled. “I think I should resi- “

“No no, don’t do that!” the bespectacled mare instinctively grabbed her nemesis’ hoof, grinning in faux amity. “Ms. Heartstrings: we really need some time to figure this out... look. In the meantime, why don’t you take control of… um… Land?”

Technically in charge of all land within Ponyville. Practically only in charge of those small slivers of government property. Probably the best call.

Lyra considered it as she drew back in conciliation, mulling over the offer.

“We need time, Lyr- Ms. Heartstrings,” the Mayor repeated. “Please.”

The unicorn huffed. “Fine, Mayor,” she conceded. “For now.”

The tan pony sighed in relief. “Thank you, Ms. Heartstrings,” she said, extending a hoof.

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) 'Truth and reconciliation' is a common goal of countries that have just gone through extreme upheavals, most famously in South Africa under Mandela (I swear, I thought this theme up before he died). 2) Some political prisoners were jailed under remarkably lenient circumstances - most notoriously Hitler in Landsberg Prison. 3) The American political system originally called for the runner-up of the election (and therefore the likely rival of the President) to serve as Vice President. More recently, the French political phenomenon of 'cohabitation' frequently had political enemies serving as President and Prime Minister. 4) The Vice Presidency in the USA is notorious for being a job that has very few responsibilities, and Vice Presidents have always struggled to find their place in the administration.]

S3E2: The Crystal Empire, Part 2

Season 3 Episode 2 – The Crystal Empire, Part 2

The Secretary for Administration’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

The Agenda:
1. Preparations for the return of the Crystal Empire. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Achieve reconciliation in Ponyville [ ]

“Sit down, Ms. Coin,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon put away his finished agenda as he motioned to a chair opposite him. “Just a quick chat.”

Finance Secretary Bit Coin slid hastily into her seat, not daring to utter a single word. To Ponyville's mortals, she was the mare in charge of the town finances. To the gray bureaucrat before her, she was merely a young, barely-employable temp who lucked out and found herself thrown on top of the bureaucratic order. And was to be treated appropriately as such.

Crimson Ribbon did not deign to speak, choosing instead to open the crisp pages of the Ponyville Express. Only one story worth mentioning, of course – HAIL TO THE ROYAL COUPLE! The Official Coronation Ceremony of HRH the Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, Prince Consort of the Crystal Empire – and it pleased him greatly to hear the chestnut mare fidgeting oh-so-slightly behind the paper palisade, increasingly uncomfortable as to what her superior was planning. Just how he liked it.

“So,” he abruptly began, eliciting a sharp gasp from his victim.

Bit Coin held a hoof to her heart to steady herself. “Y-yes, Mr. Ribbon.”

A casual flip of the pages. “I remember telling you to check on Ms. Lyra Heartstrings?”

“You did, S-sir.”

“Well.” ...C5 for pictures of the Prince and Princess’ first ever Royal Court!...

The chestnut mare gulped. “Lyra- I mean, Ms. Heartstrings… she didn’t d-do anything. Sir.”

The stutter revealed all. …the Princess’ opening speech stressed that Crystal Empire needed to ‘open up’ to the world after a millennia of isolation…

“Bit. I can make your life very difficult indeed.”

The Finance Secretary gulped again, feeling ever, ever, ever so small at this point in time.

“She’s meeting with the Mayor. In the Duke of Mane.”

“And for what?” …Her Highness also expressed her desire that the Government of the Crystal Empire would take some initiative on the matter…

“… I don’t know, Mr- “

“For what purpose, Ms. Coin.” All of a sudden the paper came down hard and the chestnut mare found herself staring at the aristocratic stallion, his beady eyes conveying a thousand times more menace than his words ever could.

The world stopped. The effect was electric.

“I- “ The young mare sighed helplessly. “They’re talking about the Crystal Empire. Sir.”

*

The “Duke of Mane” Restaurant, Ponyville

“We need to try and get the Crystal Empire to come here to Ponyville, Mayor,” Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings mentioned over sprouts and potatoes. “Have them build an Embassy or something. It would be the best thing for us.”

Mayor Mare chuckled condescendingly as she dug into her own salad. “Oh Lyra- Ms. Heartstrings, I mean – why would they do that? We’re not even remotely a center of power in Equestria.”

“Well obviously there’s no point,” the lime-green unicorn mumbled, much lunch stuffed in her cheeks. “It’d be a total waste of their tax dollars. But we have the connections.”

The gray-maned pony tucked into a rocket leaf. “You mean Ms. Sparkle, right.”

The unicorn swallowed and spooned out another couple green spheres. “It would be a powerful vote of confidence in Ponyville. Create some jobs too. We always need more jobs.”

“I see your point,” the tan pony nodded thoughtfully. “But we don’t really have any empty land- “

“The old Legislative Council Chambers.” Lyra Heartstrings pushed over a map – by Celestia, that unicorn really thinks of everything – “It’s central, its large, and it’s now utterly without purpose.”

“True, that.”

Cue a picture of the building in question. “And to top it off, it has a really beautiful façade!”

The bespectacled mare pulled a half-grin-and-half-grimace. They both remembered how much of Ponyville’s disaster fund was blown on that artistic sinkhole.

Might as well have it generate some cash. “Well.” The bespectacled mare skewered up a couple of croutons. “I guess we aren’t that far away from Canterlot… ”

“We have a wonderful park, and a wonderful river,” Lyra added.

“And we are protected by none other than Ms. Sparkle herself!” the tan pony concluded, savouring the tasty crunchies. “Ms. Heartstrings, let’s call up the Crystal Empire immediately!”

*

Before the entrance of the Former Legislative Council Chambers, Ponyville

Asturcon of Comtois, the Crystal Empire’s Ambassador-Elect to Equestria, shimmered in the midday Sun as he surveyed the most positive result of Ponyville’s tryst with the Legislative Council, his crystal form being quite the sight for a host of curious locals.

“I’m still surprised you speak Modern Equestrian,” Lyra commented, figuring a few minutes of nonstop staring was probably enough for even millennial ponies.

“Ah, well.” The translucent pony adjusted his feathered hat. “Before You-Know-Who, we Crystal Ponies were always known as the more vulgar race.”

“How society advances,” Twilight Sparkle muttered on the side, refusing to look at the Deputy Mayor. The scars of the last political election still ran deep for certain ponies.

The lime-green pony either didn’t get or pretended not to get the sarcasm. “So what do you think, Ambassador?”

“Well.” The Ambassador turned solemnly to Mayor Mare. “I have to say, Mayor, that this building, grand as it is, is eminently unsuitable for the Embassy to Equestria.”

The tan pony’s face fell.

“It’s too big,” Asturcon stretched out a forehoof and began counting errors. “The weather’s too hot. You’re a day’s journey from Canterlot and two days from Manehattan. The interior arrangements are wholly unsuitable for Embassy work. Paying for upkeep and security here will cost much… and most importantly, your river is pitiful and your park is terribly designed.”

“I see.” The lime-green unicorn smiled. “So when are you going to sign the contract?”

The crystal stallion looked at Twilight Sparkle. The bookish mare pulled a long face and turned away.

“Might as well do it now,” he admitted, striding over to the Mayor and extending his hoof. “Whoever, we do need this facility up and running in the immediate future.”

“We’ll guarantee it, Ambassador,” the gray-maned mare said as the two shook hooves. “We’ll guarantee it.”

*

The Secretary for Administration’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

Generally speaking, Bit Coin never argued with her seniors. It wasn’t the done thing in government - not if she wanted to keep her cushy job from the legions of grasping subordinates, in any case.

Yet even her reticence had limits.

“But why?” the chestnut mare pressed again. “Lyra’s plan will benefit Ponyville!”

“Benefit?” the old bureaucrat spat out those words with unmistakeable venom. “Ms. Coin, you are supposed to think like a bureaucrat, not like a politician!”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Ribbon; but I just don’t understand!”

The gray stallion leant back into his seat, crossing his hindlegs. “Bit. Bureaucrats are supposed to make decisions based purely on the best interests of Ponyville, free from the trials and tribulations of elected office.”

The chestnut mare paid due deference. “Right.”

“Look,” the Secretary for Administration tried again. “Politicians think short-term. Bureaucrats think long-term. You tell the Mayor out there to take a popularity hit for benefit five years down, she’ll tell you to get stuffed.”

“Well, sure.”

“And I think our last experience with mass democracy has made us all very aware of how ignorant the masses are.”

“Uh-huh.”

“So what more is there to say? We give our political mistresses the answers, they get the credit, Ponyville benefits. Ah, such a self-effacing job, suitable only for those dedicated!” Crimson Ribbon ended his wistful commentary by looking out of the window, deep in apparent thought.

“You still haven’t answered my question… ” Bit Coin repeated timidly.

“Ah yes. Tell me, Bit: if politicians were allowed to create their own successes, what would happen to their estimates of their own ability?”

“Well, they would increase. Exponentially.”

“Would they then not try running things themselves?”

“Yes.”

“But haven’t I just told you that they cannot run things by themselves?”

“Technically speaking, you said they wouldn’t run things according to the true best interests of- “

“Quod erat demonstrandum,” the gray bureaucrat leant back forwards. “Ms. Coin. We must fight this tooth and nail, for Ponyville’s sake!”

Three sharp knocks from the doorway.

“Come in!” Crimson Ribbon called, philosophical tones dropping away in an instant. “You may go now, Ms. Coin.”

The door swung open. Bit Coin and Lyra Heartstrings exchanged places. The unicorn drew out her seat, sitting down of her own accord. “Secretary for Administration Ribbon.”

The Secretary for Administration showed no overt displeasure at this violation of prerogative. “Ms. Heartstrings.”

“You checked the proposal?”

“Ah. The proposal.” The gray bureaucrat reached into a drawer and pulled out the relevant portfolio. “A very good one indeed, may I first say: we certainly have been trying to put that beautiful Council Chambers into use. But- “

“I knew it,” Lyra muttered.

“But you see, the LegCo building is on land zoned for Government use.” The bureaucrat slammed the portfolio shut in a demonstration of finality.

Lyra Heartstrings blinked in amazement. She had expected some delaying tactics, but not this particular one. “An embassy is government use,” she explained.

“Not our Government,” came the curt answer.

“Does it really matter?”

Crimson Ribbon smiled in his superior fashion. “As a matter of fact, it does. It would be strange not to be able to enforce the laws of one’s own government on government-owned property, wouldn’t it?”

The Deputy Mayor acknowledged that. “Go on.”

“Well then. What shall we make of diplomatic immunity?”

The lime-green pony was inured to this kind of trick. “You’re telling me that nopony in Equestria has thought through this problem?”

“It remain a valid legal point, Ms. Heartstrings.”

“Well fine,” Lyra muttered. “I am Head of the Lands Department anyway. I’ll change the zoning of the Chambers into private land.”

The bureaucrat smiled despite himself. “You are well within your rights to do that, Ms. Heartstrings, though voters may well question your desperation to privatize government property. But all the same, let me remind you that we will need to do a monetary evaluation of the premises – I should warn you that the estimated value of the building will likely exceed any government’s ability to pay… ”

“That’s fine. I’ll sell it below market rate.”

“…I see. Voters do see this as a form of cronyism, but you no doubt realize that. In any case, the whole valuations process shall take a little over six months- ”

“Not fast enough,” the unicorn interrupted. “I want this fast-tracked. One month at most.”

“Alas, this is the fastest the paperwork will go...”

“Then I want the previous valuation you did on the land.” Lyra banged her hoof determinedly on the desk. “You must have done one when the Chambers themselves were built.”

“Oh, Ms. Heartstrings, I am sorry,” the Secretary for Administration raised his forelegs. “But we've really lost all files pertaining to that piece of land.”

Lyra Heartstrings drew back, her eyes narrowing. “Mr. Ribbon, I get the impression that you are actively obstructing me,” she menaced. “This Embassy will be a great benefit to Ponyville.”

Crimson Ribbon, ever unflappable, readied his riposte. “There are good reasons to want delay, Ms. Heartstrings,” he detailed. “Procedures prevent corrupt politicians from changing things on a whim.”

The lime green pony remained defiant. “Let me remind you, Mr. Ribbon. Politicians make decisions, and bureaucrats carry them out.”

And yet most of the time, you don’t even know what you’re ruling over… The aristocratic bureaucrat could only shrug and shake his head sadly in response. "I am sorry, Ms. Heartstrings."

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

If this lunch was any indication of how the term would play out, Bit Coin was in serious, serious trouble.

“You know about the photos, Bit,” Lyra Heartstrings murmured as she slurped her milkshake. “Honestly. I can’t believe Mrs.Delta Force still thinks you two are simply marejong buddies.”

Bit Coin gulped, her eyes watering slightly at the prospect of being so blatantly blackmailed. “C-come on, Lyra…”

“You know I am doing this for Ponyville, Bit; you know it. Now do it!”

The chestnut mare looked left and right, seeking a way out. “Lyra… you know he’ll know who leaked… I’m not risking my job for this- “

“Done.” A piece of paper slid silently over the table. “I’m actually supposed to be meeting the Head of the Statistics Bureau today, not you.”

“Head of the Statistics Bureau… ” The poor Finance Secretary’s eyes widened in horror. “But… but she’s expecting soon! You’re going to get her fired!”

“Collateral damage,” Lyra waved her hoof dismissively. “Don’t be such a bleeding-heart, Bit. I’m sure her hedge-fund manager husband can take care of her.”

“But…”

“Look, Bit.” The lime-green pony took the chestnut pony’s shaking foreleg and stroked it gently. “If there’s one thing you learn from this, it’s that I take care of my friends.”

The Finance Secretary closed her eyes, squeezing out a single tear.

“No.” The chestnut foreleg withdrew from her interlocutor’s grasp. “Sorry, Lyra… I can’t do this.”

The Deputy Mayor looked on calmly as her interlocutor arose from the table. “You are risking a lot, Ms. Coin, for a few useless principles.”

“The law is what keeps society together, Lyra,” Bit Coin remarked, swinging her saddlebags onto her back. “If you keep cutting corners, eventually you'll have only sawdust left.”

Lyra reached out towards the earth pony. “Bit- ”

“This conversation is over, Lyra.”

The unicorn looked on as her friend pushed open the door and left. Typical Bit.

Mrs. Cake glided up to the table. “Your special cheesecake, Lyra. Oh, congratulations on being Deputy Mayor, by the way – we’re all so happy for you!”

“Thank you, Mrs. Cake.“

“Oh! And I see Ms. Coin has left something here,” the rotund baker chatted away as she bent over to the now-empty chair, retrieving a thin, cream-colored dossier. “You should probably give it back to her, seeing as she’s now your colleague and everything.”

Lyra smiled and received the dossier. “I’ll do it as soon as possible.” Oh, so typical of Bit!

The unicorn took a little peek at the file below. VALUATION OF THE LEGISLATIVE COUNCIL CHAMBERS (to be updated after the election – Fin Sec).

*

The Secretary for Administration’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

A joyful day in Ponyville as the new Embassy to the Crystal Empire was set to open, and one in which even the Mayor took note to dress in Sunday best. “Mr. Ribbon, we’re all waiting…!” she trilled as she peeked into the room-

The old bureaucrat was sitting in the room, alone, surrounded by papers, crossing his forelegs in the very definition of being annoyed.

The tan pony wasn’t stupid. “Cheer up, Mr. Ribbon! Ponyville’s finally getting something substantial…“

“You know the Deputy Mayor's doing all this to undermine you, Mayor,” Crimson Ribbon commented. “She’ll take control of the government, building goodwill and administrative experience until she becomes Mayor in all but name.”

A cold chill involuntarily ran down the bespectacled mare’s spine. “Oh come on, Mr. Ribbon – so what? This was good for Ponyville!”

“Of course. And I’m sure Ms. Heartstrings will want to share the credit come election time.”

…

“Just come out, Mr. Ribbon,” Mayor Mare ordered, trotting out of the room. “Don’t be late.”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Cities often try and attract foreign investment/companies in all sorts of ways: low tax rates, attractive land plots sold at below-market valuations, etc. 2) Of course, the right connections can also achieve your goals - the Chinese system of 'guanxi' being a particularly notorious example. 3) The fundamental conflict over priorities between bureaucrats and politicians is present in every country, but is perhaps most pronounced in Japan and South Korea where until quite recently, economic policy was almost entirely made by bureaucrats (MITI in Japan), with politicians having virtually no input. 4) The art of leaking to the press is indeed an art; and is seen as such in China where not only the content of the leak, but also the person who leaked it is seen as conveying tremendous insight into factional politics in Beijing.]

S3E3: Too Many Pinkie Pies

Season 3 Episode 3 – Too Many Pinkie Pies

The Agenda:
1. Cleaning up after the Pinkie Pie Incident. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Achieve reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]

Mayor Mare’s Office, Ponyville

“Alright. Now, Ms. Sparkle,” Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings said as she scrunched up the daily agenda and tossed it away. “Once again, the Ponyville Government thanks you for your invaluable service in solving the Pinkie Pie Incident. Is there any way in which we can repay you?”

The bookish mare blushed and giggled as she responded with a curtsey. “Oh, it was all my pleasure, Lyr- I mean, Deputy Mayor. But if it’s possible, I would like to present the bill for the paint and everything.”

A nod. “The Government will be more than happy to recompense you for your trouble… ” Lyra Heartstrings’s voice faded away as she examined the list before her:

Paint – 50 bits
Board – 50 bits
Advanced Transformation Spells for Unicorns – 1,000 bits

“… Advanced Transformation Spells for Unicorns.”

The Deputy Mayor swore she heard the purple unicorn gulp in trepidation. “W-well… you know… the store… they were out of slow-dry paint… s-so I had to transform the quick-dry paint to slow dry! Y’know, so the Pinkie Pies could watch paint dry, you see- “

Lyra Heartstrings forced out a smile and gently waved away the unicorn’s concerns. “Of course, of course, Twilight; I understand. We’ll wire over the money within the next working day.”

Twilight’s body visibly relaxed with those words. “Oh, thank you, thank you, Ms. Heartstrings!” she exclaimed happily. “I’m sure the book will be a great help to my studies… a-and also help me be of greater service to Ponyville, of course! And, uh, in any case- “ the unicorn breathlessly continued, seeking to divert attention from her verbal slip-up as much as possible, “-where’s the Mayor, anyway?”

The Deputy Mayor smiled mysteriously. “Well, Twilight… ”

*

Ponyville General Hospital, Ponyville

“Jumping Celestia on a pogo stick.”

Mayor Mare threw out a few more exclamations as Dr. Stable tried and failed to suppress a few sniggers at the image of Her Highness on a pogo stick.

The tan pony was in no mood for hilarity, however. “So you’re telling me that for all intents and purposes, the cloned Pinkie Pies are physically identical to the real Pinkie Pie?”

“Well, yes,” the doctor said, scanning over the medical records on his desk with a flourish. “Physiology, immunology, endoscopy – everything looks the same as the original. Could probably have led to significant medical advances, that Mirror Pool.”

Mayor Mare detected a slight hint of bitterness in the doctor’s voice.

“Of course, the mental clones are slightly less intelligent,” the light-brown pony drew out the IQ results for examination. “Perhaps ‘one dimensional’ is the better term here.”

“Well that’s not a useful difference,” the gray-maned mare mumbled. “Not these days, anyway.”

“I see,” Dr. Stable said. “Well, in that case I do have to stand by the medical results. For all intents and purposes, the Mirror Pool clones are physically ponies.”

*

Mayor Mare groaned as she exited the room.

“No physical difference, I suppose,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon got out from his chair.

“Seems so. There’s not much that I can do to stop those clones from becoming ponies – and Ponyville citizens.” The Mayor sighed. “Of course the paperwork arising from that decision will be massive: but in the end it’s a question of principle, I suppose. And it’s not like it’s going to actually affect anypony, since the Mirror Pool is sealed.”

“I see,” the gray stallion answered, keener on getting to his main point. “By the way, Ma’am: I really do think you should be more wary of Lyra Heartstrings’ intentions. It really is eroding public confidence in your administration.”

“What rubbish, Mr. Ribbon,” Mayor Mare snorted as they exited the building. “The public is still very much confident of our coalition government. Approval ratings are still through the roof!”

“And yet when the Pinkie Pies were rampaging through the town, the public sought an answer from Ms. Sparkle and not you.”

That hit a very sore point indeed. Crimson Ribbon grinned slyly as he saw the Mayor’s complexion darken like a thunderstorm.

“Well it just proves that the public wasn’t very happy with the pointless bickering of our democratic experiment last term,” the tan pony snapped. “Doesn’t mean that they don’t think Lyra and I can’t accomplish anything.”

The bureaucrat’s smile only grew wider. “Of course, Mayor. Of course.”

*

Mayor Mare’s Office, Ponyville

“The evidence speaks for itself,” Mayor Mare concluded to her assembled cabinet. “There’s no real difference between a Mirror Pool clone and an actual pony. So I think it’s safe to say that from that, there shouldn’t be a legal difference between the two as well. You know, equality and all that.”

“You do realize this means I’ll have to arrest Twilight Sparkle for mass murder, right?” Security Chief Delta Force raised a hoof. “Or at the very least, unjustified assault.”

“That will not be necessary,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon stated blandly. “Section One of the Equestrian Code states that any group not yet determined as being part of the pony species are not subject to the law. So Ms. Sparkle’s actions were directed at a group of animals, not conscious living ponies.”

“The lengths we go to defend the Princess’ pet from harm,” Finance Secretary Bit Coin remarked sarcastically. “Anyway, while this decision obviously doesn’t actually give me more taxpayers, it does mean I can fine the Cakes for using undocumented labor… ” The chestnut mare rubbed her hooves in evil glee.

“So everypony’s comfortable with the principle so far,” Mayor Mare counted. “Ms. Heartstrings?”

A shake of the lime-green pony’s head. “No problem from me, Mayor.”

“So that’s it, then!” the bespectacled mare tapped on her desk with her hoof. “So from this point onwards, we’ll recognize all Mirror Pool clones as ponies and – given their ‘place of birth’, so to speak – as Ponyville citizens as well. Let freedom ring!”

“Let freedom technically ring, you mean,” the Deputy Mayor smiled. “We all know this debate has been over a rather moot point.”

“What a party-pooper you are, Ms. Heartstrings!”

*

“Well, that went better than expected,” Lyra noted off-hoofedly to Crimson Ribbon as they exited the Mayor’s Office. “I thought we were all going to get caught up in details, but lucky for us that didn’t happen.”

“Of course,” the bureaucrat nodded slyly. “It’s been a very lucky break for the Mayor.”

“And for me,” the notoriously-sensitive unicorn emphasized.

“No, no. I meant only for the Mayor,” the stallion replied slickly.

Lyra stopped. “Shouldn’t I benefit from this as well?”

“Technically, perhaps,” Crimson Ribbon explained. “But as you know, all Ponyville citizens get the right to vote. This means the Mirror Pool clones get a right to vote as well. Technically.”

“Yeah, so what’s the problem? They can’t- “ the unicorn’s pupils shrank to pinpricks. “Oh… no.”

The gray stallion nodded grimly. “The Ponyville Government can legally unseal the Mirror Pool… if the Mayor deems it to be in the public interest.”

“You idiot,” Lyra whipped around to face the bureaucrat. “Isn’t this kind of stuff exactly what the Civil Service was designed to prevent?”

“Ah, but the Mayor was very insistent. Celestia knows how many times I tried to dissuade her.” The stallion kept up his smile as the unicorn’s face flushed red with anger and humiliation.

“Well I’m not going to let her reduce all of Ponyville to slavery!” The lime-green pony hissed indignantly, steam spewing out of her ears. “No, Crimson, no… we have to stop her!”

The gray stallion shrugged apologetically. “Alas, Ms. Heartstrings, I fear that only you have the strength to challenge Mayor Mare now…”

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

“Sixty Pinkie Pies!”

Mrs. Cake was so angry her ice-cream-swirl mane now more resembled a spiked helmet. “By Celestia, sixty Pinkie Pies in Sugarcube Corner! How many workers does the Ponyville Government think a bakery needs?!”

Lyra slowly savored her milkshake – her reward for leaking confidential information. “Yeah, I know. The Mayor’s gone absolutely bonkers.”

“Well for Celestia’s sake, can’t you do something about it?” Mrs. Cake pointed out. “I’m telling you, if Bit thinks I don’t know about her and Delta Force, she’s going to get a very, very nasty shock indeed…”

“Hey, hey, Bit’s only carrying out orders,” the Deputy Mayor hastily reassured the cyan matron. “Don’t take it out on her. I have a better idea, anyway.”

“Let’s hear it,” Mrs. Cake leant forward irritably.

“Simple.” The lime-green unicorn moved closer to her interlocutor. “Here’s what you do – tomorrow after the Mayor issues her Declaration on the Mirror Pool Ponies, you immediately transfer all your assets to your clone in the Mirror Pool. So when the fine comes, you technically have no assets, so just declare bankruptcy and move on. Let’s see the Government try to collect tax from the Mirror Pool.”

Mrs. Cake frowned suspiciously. “Won’t I go to jail if I don’t pay the fine?”

“You’re not actually going to get a fine, silly. You just need to spread the word around, and cause as much financial chaos as possible – so I can get the Mayor to back down.”

“Ohh,” the baker nodded knowingly. “Right. Well, expect me to be telling everypony that comes into the shop left, right and center!”

“Thanks, Mrs. Cake. I appreciate it.”

*

Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

Without even knocking, Lyra Heartstrings pushed the door open and barged into the room.

“ –and as you can see, bank saving deposits dropped today by 2500 basis points today, with transfer levels suggesting a major run on the banks is underway- “ Bit Coin and Mayor Mare looked at the fuming intruder, startled.

“Oh… Ms. Heartstrings, I thought you were off sick today!” Mayor Mare stuttered, flummoxed by the fiery complexion of her Deputy Mayor.

Lyra Heartstrings barged right past Bit Coin and slammed her forehooves on the table. “You saw what happened today. You need to reverse your decision on the Mirror Pool clones, now.”

“What- there’s no need to panic, Ms. Heartstrings, not yet at least,” Mayor Mare said nervously, brows furrowed in worry.

“No buts. If that decision isn’t repealed, the whole of Ponyville will be thrown into total chaos. Reverse it. Now.” Lyra Heartstrings insisted, menace growing in her voice.

“Lyra, we only need to change a few rules for transferring assets and then we can… ” Bit Coin’s voice disappeared under the harsh gaze of the Deputy Mayor.

“Mayor,” the unicorn threatened one last time. “If you think you can survive in office without me… well, think again.”

For a moment, Mayor Mare blinked dumbly.

Then she gulped.

“Canterlot will complain if we strip the Mirror Pool clones of all their rights,” the tan mare said timidly. “Have them be legally worth four-fifths of a pony.”

“One-quarter.”

“Three-fifths.”

“Two-fifths.”

“Three-fifths and only the most basic of legal protections.”

“Deal.” Satisfied, the lime-green pony pushed herself off the stable and took a few steps back, eyes still concentrated on the Mayor.

The bespectacled mare could only mumble a few words in a mixture of shock and sadness. “It was only a decision of technical value. I sure hope you had a good reason for such drastic action.”

Lyra huffed. “You know what my reason was, Mayor,” she said as she turned around and left without another word.

*

“So I just don’t know what’s gotten into Lyra!” Mayor Mare exclaimed pacing around the room. “She was fine yesterday; and then suddenly she just comes over and demands me to reverse the Mirror Pool decision. The one she agreed to during our last meeting!”

“Well, Ma’am,” Crimson Ribbon nodded sagely, giving no indication as to what he knew. “I have heard that she’s a bit concerned about the ramifications of the Mirror Pool in terms of votes.”

“Votes?”

“Votes: you know, probably the idea that you’ll unseal the Mirror Pool come election time and swamp the electoral booths with your clones.”

The gray-maned pony stopped mid-step. “But that’s… well, I have to say I’m surprised I didn’t think of that,” she admitted. “But still, that’s ridiculous! She’s already Deputy Mayor; what else does she want?”

“The Mayorship, naturally.”

“That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Ribbon.”

“Apologies, Ma’am.”

“You are correct nevertheless,” the bespectacled mare continued worriedly, resuming her orbit around the Secretary for Administration. “This event has shown that Lyra’s not going to be satisfied even with sharing power. You were right to tell me to keep a closer eye on her.”

“You are too kind, Ma’am.”

“It was good advice, Mr. Ribbon.” Mayor Mare stopped and looked intently at her subordinate. “Good advice indeed. You should definitely give more of that from now on.”

The Secretary for Administration merely smiled and took a sitting bow in response. “Honored, Ma’am. Honored.”

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Lodge owners in Nepal have been known to use 'rescue flights' as a means of ferrying goods and visitors to and from their Himalayan hotels. 2) The default legal position on human cloning is that the gestating mother + husband are the actual parents (though Johnson v. Calvert would argue that it is the contributor of genetic material). The Mirror Pool, as seen in the episode, probably doesn't operate along genetic lines. 3) It's generally a bad sign when people start looking beyond Government for solutions to large societal problems (i.e. Mexican vigilantes in response to the drug wars). 4) Legal status changes can bring massive consequences: an economic example could be Ireland allowing 'stateless' corporations to register in that country, meaning companies like Apple saved around EUR 1bn over 5 years on their tax bills. 5) The famous 3/5ths Compromise in 1787, allowing American slaves to be counted for 3/5ths of a normal person and thereby artificially boosting the political power of the South.]

S3E4: One Bad Apple

Season 3 Episode 4 – One Bad Seed

Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

EMERGENCY MEETING

The Agenda:
1. Conduct Investigation into the Summer Harvest Festival Incident. [ ]

“Now to our ongoing coverage on the devastating crash today at the Summer Harvest Parade. Ponyville Police are still combing the wreckage of the two floats that collided today, looking for clues as to why the crash happened… ”

The radio tuned out. “This is a humiliation for Ponyville, fillies and gentlecolts,” Mayor Mare reminded her cabinet members severely. “A total and utter humiliation.”

“And while we’re bidding for the Equestrian Games as well,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon mused. “Ah well: nothing left but to play the sympathy card, I suppose.”

“Well sympathy card or not, we can’t just sit around and wait for the Committee to pity us – though they’d better darn well do that,” the tan pony growled. “We need to find somepony to blame for this.”

“… and find answers, Ma’am,” Finance Secretary Bit Coin suggested tentatively.

“Well, that as well, I suppose. But blame first and foremost.” Mayor Mare turned to Security Chief Delta Force. “So who is it, Captain Force?”

“Well… erm…” The red stallion slunk back as the cabinet’s attention focused on him. “Uhh… nopony, really,” he mumbled. “Mechanical error. Catastrophic steering failure, leading to loss of control of normal axes.”

The cabinet was most unamused.

Delta Force gulped. “But what did you expect when one of the floats was made of lettuce- “

“Well do you know what that conclusion means?” Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings snapped.

Uh oh. “Erm…”

“It means that the Police obviously failed to vet the roadworthiness of the floats before they were sent on Parade. A Security Department problem,” the lime-green unicorn menaced.

If there was one thing Delta Force could not live without, it was his job – or more accurately, the salary that came with the job. The Security Chief blanched at the news.

Lyra Heartstrings smirked and turned towards the Mayor. “May I show the Security Chief how this sort of thing should be done, Mayor?”

Mayor Mare had to admit she was feeling some schadenfreude at her incompetent subordinate’s expense. “You may, Deputy Mayor,” she said, hoofing over the telephone to the unicorn.

“Watch and learn.” The lime-green pony picked up the receiver. “Hey… Ponyville Express editor Muck Raker? Lyra here… now, don’t attribute this back to me, but with the Harvest Parade crash, we’re currently considering terrorism as a possible cause… it’s only possible, Ms. Raker… oh, who knows: Changelings? Too early to tell. Alright. See you. Bye.” The receiver slammed back down.

“The ponies are going to realize there’s no terrorism involved in the incident soon enough,” a chastised Delta Force mumbled to Lyra Heartstrings.

“Well I only said we were considering terrorism, not opening an investigation into it,” the unicorn retorted. “Get the media hounds distracted while we figure out who we can actually blame for this travesty.”

*

The headline of the next day’s Ponyville Express was depressingly predictable.

TERRORISTS! THE CHANGELING PLOT TO WRECK THE SUMMER HARVEST PARADE

“Ms. Sparkle, I believe there are only three words correct in that headline and they are ‘Summer Harvest Parade’,” Mayor Mare commented, putting down the rag. “We are considering all potential causes, not just terrorism.”

“But all the same: I really, really, really want to help!” The purple unicorn clopped her hooves anxiously. “You see, I’ve spent the whole night reading up on the latest parade float news and I’m sure I can be a valuable member of the investigation team!”

“Well that is commendable, Ms. Sparkle, but all the same, we have a team of trained professionals looking into this- “

“Please!” Twilight put her hooves together in supplication. “Please, please, please, please, please!”

Why is she so darned insistent on joining the investigation, anyway? “I’m sorry, Ms. Sparkle. But your services really aren’t necessary.”

The bookish mare’s lower lip trembled. “But…” Giving up, she sighed and slowly shuffled out of the room, her tail curled between her hindlegs. As she exited the doorway, she turned and gave her best pitiable look at the Mayor before slowly slouching away.

*

Bottom of Mane Street, Ponyville

Whatever his faults, the team Delta Force assembled to examine the wreckage was dedicated and professional – and if they said that nopony was to blame for the accident, it was probably likely that nopony indeed was to blame. But as last night’s meeting showed, it wasn’t the best political position to take.

So what better to put Lyra Heartstrings in charge of the investigation and have her take responsibility for all the convoluted reasoning in the Government’s quest to have somepony to blame?

The advantages of coalition government, Mayor Mare mused as she gazed pensively at the disaster scene: a heap of lettuce to her left, and a half-submerged golden apple in the lake below. Amazing that all the fillies got out alive…

“Mayor, Mayor; look, look!” A breathless Lyra cantered up to her superior, Delta Force trotting behind. “Evidence! We have… evidence!”

“No we don’t,” Delta Force said.

The unicorn ignored him, levitating an egg-timer in front of the Mayor. “You see this? It’s an egg-timer!”

“I’ll have you know I’ve been in a kitchen,” the gray-maned mare replied humorlessly.

“Well, you know what?” The Deputy Mayor’s eyes sparkled with anticipation. “Egg-timers are used in bombs! We found this egg timer in the apple float! Therefore, somepony bombed the apple float!”

“Except the apple float is still structurally intact,” the red stallion deadpanned.

Lyra still ignored him. “Hey! Hey! Press! Press!” she waved to the not-insignificant group of media behind the police cordon, causing an immediate stampede as reporters and journalists smashed through the police cordon and surrounded the trio. “You see this!” she said, proudly holding up the egg-timer in a hail of camera flashes and microphone booms. “Evidence of foul play! Foul play!”

“Foul play!” The press corps gasped, immediately scribbling Lyra’s words verbatim in their notepads. “We are live now in Ponyville, where evidence is mounting that yesterday’s Harvest Parade Disaster was indeed the result of a deliberate attack…”

Delta Force died a little inside as Lyra continued to wave her egg-timer around. “Given this new evidence, the Ponyville Government will now open an official criminal investigation into the whole affair!”

“… on the basis of the new evidence, it seems more and more likely that the Summer Harvest Disaster was indeed a terrorist attack on the town of Ponyville…”

Mayor Mare could not help but admire the press’ ability to parrot the official position-

“STOP!”

The raucous atmosphere disappeared in an instant. Every head turned to look at the cause of this new interruption – only to gasp in amazement.

Twilight Sparkle sauntered up to the trio of bureaucrats, two ponies in lab coats flanking each side, and handed the stunned Mayor Mare a piece of parchment.

“In the name of Her Highness Princess Celestia, the representatives of the NFSB will now take over the investigation of the Summer Harvest Disaster!”

Lyra Heartstrings’ eyes almost bulged out of their sockets. “N…FSB?” she stuttered. “What’s that?”

“Why, the National Float Safety Board, of course,” the bookish mare smiled as her assistants began ushering the crowds back from the wreckage. “The Princess created one in the wake of yesterday’s disaster, and we have the responsibility of investigating every parade float incident in Equestria!”

“Well, okay, I can accept that,” Mayor Mare said, checking the official documentation hoofed in by this unwelcome visitor. “You still have to share the disaster scene with us- “

“Actually, I don’t,” Twilight smugly jabbed her hoof at the parchment. “As the NFSB is a national organization, we get first dibs on any float investigation. So no, you don’t get to share with us.”

Now the tan pony was getting pretty angry. “But that’s ridicul-“

The politician’s protests were drowned out by the reporters abruptly swarming around the purple pony. “What does the NFSB think about the accident?” “Was it terrorism?” “What do you make of the Ponyville Government’s assertion that a criminal act was committed here- “

“Ponies, ponies!” The unicorn beckoned the media horde to quieten down. “The NFSB is satisfied with the explanation that mechanical failure is to blame for yesterday’s accident, and that the Ponyville Government’s assertion of criminal wrongdoing is unjustified!”

“Unjustified!” the press gasped, immediately scribbling Twilight’s words verbatim in their notepads. “A shocking twist in the saga of the Summer Harvest Disaster investigation, as the National Float Safety Board is now openly contradicting the Ponyville Government’s claims of a criminal act…”

*

Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

INVESTIGATION DRAMA: SAFETY BOARD CONTRADICTS PONYVILLE GOVERNMENT

“You know, the floats crashing during the Parade was humiliation enough for Ponyville,” Mayor Mare groused as she tossed the newest Ponyville Express into the incinerator chute. “But now we’ve been humiliated in our own investigation as well!”

“I did say that there wasn’t any justification for a criminal investigation… ” Delta Force began.

“The NFSB’s investigation is obviously bogus,” Lyra Heartstrings complained bitterly as she slurped on a comfort milkshake. “Twilight’s investigating the crash of a float owned by the Apple family. Of course she wants to make sure that we don’t dig up any dirty laundry.”

“Like how our investigation is biased in favor of finding a pony to blame for the crash… ”

“Shut up, Delta,” the tan pony snapped at her subordinate. “Just shut up.”

A frustrated silence draped over the members of the cabinet.

“So what do we do now?” Bit Coin finally asked.

Crimson Ribbon smiled. “What Governments do best. Rumor-mongering… ”

As if on cue, a soft knock on the door. “Come in!” Mayor Mare cried.

The door opened and Carrot Top peeked her head in. “Ma’am Mayor?” she asked timidly.

“Ms. Top, we’re kind of busy now, so if you don’t mind- “

“It’s about the Summer Harvest Parade, Ma’am,” the orange-maned mare said. “I think my friend might have seen something that could be important to the investigation.”

Everypony’s ears went straight up. “Oh?”

Carrot Top shuffled into the room, followed by a gray pegasus. “You tell them, Derpy.”

“Ummm… okay…” Derpy Hooves looked uneasily at the ponies leaning in around her. “Uhh… so I was delivering post to Fluttershy’s… or maybe Harry’s… gosh, it’s kind of hard to remember where everypony lives sometimes- “

“Derpy.”

“Oh. Sorry.” The pegasus scratched her mane. “So I was flying along, and then I suddenly hear this big explosion, like a crrrack! So I was wondering what that was, and so I peek over the hedge… and you know what, I saw a massive big apple all smashed on the ground!”

“She means apple carriage,” Carrot Top clarified. “I heard it too. Saw the Apple family hauling the wreckage back into the barn as I was heading back to the barn. I didn’t think anything of it until Derpy mentioned it, and of course immediately I thought of the Deputy Ma’am Mayor’s statement… ”

“Celestia…” Delta Force whispered. “So it was terrorism after all.”

“And by the Apples, no less,” Lyra Heartstrings said grimly.

“Well I always knew they were up to no good, those Apples,” the carrot farmer chimed in. “But I didn’t realize they hated Ponyville.”

Mayor Mare was too stunned to speak. “Celestia… ” she mumbled impotently, trying to gather herself. “Well, there’s only one thing to do: we need to arrest them in the name of justice!”

*

Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville

Now as much as Mayor Mare cursed the Ponyville Police for their investigatory impotence, there was no denying that they were good assault forces. Captain Force was ex-military, after all.

It was all over in seconds. Mayor Mare and Lyra Heartstrings coughed as they entered the smoke-filled living room, finding the filthy terrorists all trussed up on the ground: Applejack, Big MacIntosh, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Granny Smith, and-

“Twilight Sparkle!” the lime-green unicorn exclaimed triumphantly as the purple pony squirmed and struggled against her bonds. “I knew you were colluding with evil!”

“mMf pffh thfh!”

“Remove the gag so we can hear what the terrorist has to say before we send her to Canterlot,” Mayor Mare declared.

“Pah!” Twilight spat as the cloth was removed from her mouth. “L-look, M-Mayor, I know this looks incredibly compromising… but you’ve got it all wrong!”

“What more is there to say?” Lyra Heartstrings sneered. “Isn’t it obvious that you Apples were planning to cause mayhem and chaos during the Summer Harvest Parade? Why do you hate Ponyville so much- “

“Mff pghn hff!” Applejack exclaimed, her eyes widening with fear. “Pah- no, no, it’s not what it looks like! Please, Mayor, you gotta believe us!”

“Believe what?” the tan pony narrowed her eyes. “Am I supposed to believe it wasn’t a bomb you were sneaking onto the float now?”

The farm pony looked at Twilight, tears streaming from her eyes. The bookish mare gulped and nodded.

“A-alright, Mayor, I’ll g-give it to you straight,” the orange pony stuttered. “Yes, Applebloom and the Cutie Mark Crusaders tried to sabotage the apple float. Yes, they also smashed P-pinkie’s float as well. A-and y-yes, they also s-smashed one of our earlier apple floats as w-well… ”

“Any one of those crimes carries a Lunar penalty,” Mayor Mare commented.

“No, no, no!” Twilight shook her head frantically. “Y-you d-don’t understand! It was… it was… ”

“It was w-weapons p-practice!” Applejack howled in despair. “I admit it, I admit everythin’! The CMCs were making weapons under Celestia’s orders, but they misfired and that wrecked the entire Parade! Oh Celestia, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

And with that, the farm mare collapsed and began to bawl her eyes out.

To say the political duo were utterly flummoxed was an understatement. “W-weapons practice?”

“H-here!” Twilight stammered as she shunted another royal letter into the lime-green pony’s face. “Read it!”

To my most faithful student:

Just a simple (and confidential!) notification that we’ve detected the movement of an object of great magical power around Equestria. Shouldn’t mean much but just be wary of anything happening in Ponyville.

P.S. Tell us when you’re done with that NFSB investigation.

Celestia & Luna

“Ook,” Lyra said as she levitated the letter for Mayor Mare to peruse. “Nothing on weapons testing there.”

“Well of course the Princesses wouldn’t say something like that in a normal letter!” the bookish mare exclaimed indignantly. “The letter was self-destructing!”

“You have to believe us, Mayor – Mayors!” Applejack begged. “Please!”

Mayor Mare looked at Lyra Heartstrings.

“Th-this is an issue v-vital to national s-security, M-mayors,” Twilight stammered. “Y-you’d do a… a lot of d-damage to Equestria if this all leaks out… ”

Lyra Heartstrings looked at Mayor Mare.

“I’m sure Twi’ would p-put in a g-good word to the P-princesses,” Applejack chattered. “I’m s-sure th-they’ll reward P-ponyville… a-and y-you… a-am-mazingly…”

“But we have no choice,” the bespectacled mare remarked. “The evidence speaks for itself… ”

“U-use my explanation, then!” the purple unicorn proposed. “M -mechanical f-failure! N-no ponies involved!”

“But then, Carrot Top… ”

“I think we can just ignore her testimony,” the Deputy Mayor decided. “Only two ponies saw it, anyway. Two deluded conspiracy nuts.”

Mayor Mare exhaled. “I suppose. Well, then…”

*

A WILD GOOSE CHASE: MECHANICAL FAILURE CAUSED PARADE ACCIDENT

Rumors persist of ‘deliberate explosions’ days before event

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Mostly a collection of anecdotes related to air-crash investigations (you probably know what influenced that). 2) Terrorism as the modern knee-jerk reaction, in media and in public, to any major disaster, which (if you were cynical) is a way of deflecting blame from the authorities. 3) KAL007's investigation was plagued by interference from the Soviet military, which (allegedly) shot down the plane. 4) MH370's investigation was/is plagued by contradictory information from the different authorities, compounded by inadequate media management. 5) Conflict between different investigation agencies was an issue in JAL123's crash, where the Japanese criminal investigation meant that the American investigators were denied access (initially) to the wreckage. 6) Despite numerous attempts, the conspiracy theory that TWA800 was shot down by an errant missile survives.]

S3E5: Magic Duel

Season 3 Episode 5 – Magic Duel

Town Hall, Ponyville

The Agenda:
1. Dealing with the aftermath of 9 Trixiedor. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Achieve reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]

“So,” Mayor Mare said as she neatly tucked the sheaf of paper into her saddlebags. "What brings you Saddle Arabians here to our delightful little town?”

“Coup attempt against High Sultan,” the two horses – Maret’aism and Maret’ansir, or something along those lines – replied as they carefully loaded the diplomatic documents onto their camel caravans. “Request additional arms for Royal Guard to defeat rebels.”

“Ah. I see,” the tan pony answered, nodding condescendingly at these desert ponies and their quaint little struggles.

“… though from looks of recent events in Ponyville, maybe we should have gone to Cheighna for help instead,” Maret’ansir continued, immediately wiping out the smug look on the Mayor’s face.

Any retort from either the gray-maned mare or Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings was immediately silenced by a grunt from an approaching Royal Guard. “Her Highness will now receive you.”

Princess Celestia sat in the middle of the spacious atrium, her muzzle buried in the latest piece of administrative parchment. “Apologies for the delay, Mayor – or perhaps, Mayors is the more correct term in this case.”

Lyra gave a grateful curtsey. “You are too kind, Your Most Gracious Highness.”

“In any case, I am most pleased that the Coup of 9 Trixiedor has been solved without recourse to Royal Intervention,” the alicorn continued in a monotone as she scribbled on another piece of paper. “In any case. Do state your business.”

“The Coup could not have been pacified without the help of Ms. Twilight, O Merciful Princess,” Mayor Mare bowed deeply. “I almost feel ungrateful for having to ask for more Royal aid to help stabilize the political situation in Ponyville.”

“If Your Highness can give something prestigious to us, something that would elevate us above the other Equestrian cities,” the unicorn suggested, “I’m sure the process of political reconciliation can proceed much more quickly.”

Celestia frowned slightly as she levitated over a cup of tea, eyes fixated on another gilded supplication. “You mean you want Ponyville to be made the host for the next Equestrian Games.”

“Well… yes, Your Majesty.”

The Mayor and the Deputy lowered their heads as the Ruler of the Sun slowly sipped her tea.

“Originally, Baltimare was going to be the host for this year’s Equestrian Games,” the Royal voice stated after some while. “But I think that honor shall be taken away from them, given their inability to control the proliferation of dangerous magical artifacts.”

Yes! “Oh, we praise you, we thank you; O Princess of the Sun!” the two ponies cried out, prostrating themselves before the royal benevolence.

“Arise, both of you.” Mayor Mare thought she saw the faint hint of a smirk on the Princess’ face, now unobstructed by administrative duties. “I am most grateful to the both of you for dealing with the myriad of disasters that befell your town, as well as taking care of my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.

“Be sure of this: Ponyville’s faithful service shall not go unrewarded.”

*

Outside Ponyville Library, Ponyville

“You know,” Lyra Heartstrings reminded Mayor Mare pointedly. “If it wasn’t me who suggested to Princess Celestia that she give the Equestrian Games to Ponyville…”

“Urgh,” Mayor Mare rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “Fine, fine; you get to oversee the Sports and Leisure Department and make the preparations for the Games.”

The lime-green unicorn smiled. “Thanks, Ma’am- ”

“Psst!”

“Huh?” the two ponies turned in the direction of the noise. “Ms. Sparkle?”

“Hey, Mayors!” The bookish mare was at the door of the Library, beckoning them to come in. “You have to help me, now!”

Not in any position to refuse a heroine of Ponyville (for the nth time) the two politicians followed Twilight indoors. The purple pony bolted the door as soon as the three of them were in.

This was highly unusual. “Is there a problem, Twilight?” Lyra cocked her head.

“You’ll see soon enough,” the unicorn said as she rummaged around the stack of paper on her desk. “Spike! Tell Snips and Snails to stay where they are!”

“Snips and Snails? The schoolcolts?” Mayor Mare inquired.

“This,” the purple pony thrust a piece of paper into the politician’s hooves. “Read it!”

Snips,

dOn’t thinK we’ve ForgottEN who HELPeD triXie start her ReIGN of Terror over ponYVILle. We WIlL PUNISH ALL traITors to eqUestRIA.

“A death threat.” Even the amateurish collage of newspaper fonts was enough to send shivers down the tan pony’s spine.

“Vigiliante justice,” the purple unicorn stated grimly. “Snips brought it with him when he asked me for help. Now it might just be some stupid schoolfilly prank- “ the serious tone in her voice indicated otherwise – “but it’s still a serious problem that the Government needs to deal with.”

“That’s right,” Lyra Heartstrings nodded gravely, putting a hoof to her chin. “But still, I think it’s important for Ponyville as a whole to have a frank discussion about the whole experience of Trixie’s Coup… ”

“Maybe ponies will be more accepting if we all discussed this in the open?” Twilight suggested. “Like in a Town Hall meeting or something?”

“A Town Hall meeting?” The bespectacled politician couldn’t help but chuckle inappropriately at that suggestion. “Have to say, that’s a great way for not achieving anything at all!”

The savior of Equestria and Ponyville pursed her lips in displeasure.

“Oh well. No point in not trying, I suppose,” the Mayor quickly added.

*

Town Hall, Ponyville

TOWN HALL MEETING

Mayor Mare and Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings Presiding

TOPIC: THE PONYVILLIAN REACTION TO THE COUP OF 9 TRIXIEDOR

“Now, first things first, fillies and gentlecolts,” Mayor Mare opened with a lecture. “We’ve received disturbing reports that some of our citizens are receiving threats based on their so-called ‘collaboration’ during Trixie’s Coup of Ponyville. That is wrong. Nopony should be taking the law into their own hooves. If you have a problem, please take it up through the official channels. We will be dealing with this kind of behavior with the utmost seriousness.”

“Hear, hear!” Twilight Sparkle, sat in the front row, yelled out and clapped to the approval of the rest of Ponyville’s citizenry.

“All the same,” Lyra now took control of the microphone, “the Government understands that some of you might feel wronged during Trixie’s Reign of Terror over Ponyville, and want to find answers as to why it happened – hence this meeting, where we’re going to figure out what it means to have ‘collaborated’ with the dastardly Trixie regime.

Any suggestions?” the lime-green pony turned towards the assembled multitude.

A wrinkly hoof shot up from the middle of the crowd. “Ahem – back in the good old days when I was a little foal,” a raspy, aged voice reverberated around the packed atrium, “we ponies used to enter into the homes of bad officials and physically beat them up: nopony ever ruled us badly back then! I tells ya, had we given that Trixie a good ol’ beating, she wouldn’t have been able to take control of Ponyville!”

An uncomfortable silence as Lyra gingerly retook control of the microphone. “Uh… that’s quite an interesting contribution from our citizens,” she mumbled. “So let’s interpret it like this: anypony who didn’t engage in active resistance against Trixie bears collective guilt for what she did to Ponyville. Any comments?”

“Shall we have a show of hooves to see who’s been a collaborator, then?” Mayor Mare drove the point home.

Slowly and unwillingly, Ponyville’s citizenry raised their hooves, Twilight, her friends, and the Apples excepting. Mayor Mare also kept her hoof down, reasoning that her time in jail during Trixie’s regime counted as ‘active resistance’, of sorts.

“Yeah. A stupid idea from a stupid pony,” the lime-green unicorn muttered off-hoofedly, using her free hoof to muffle the microphone.

“Well, thank you for your opinions.” Mayor Mare received the microphone from her Deputy. “But as you can see, I think such a definition of ‘collaboration’ is… too broad to be of any use, it seems. Does anypony else want to contribute?”

Another hoof went up. “Alright, the mare over there,” Mayor Mare pointed as Lyra teleported the microphone over to the prospective speaker.

“Oh, thank you Mayor… Colgate here… I was thinking: maybe we could define a ‘collaborator’ as somepony who didn’t resist occupation in any way they could? I mean, like for me I closed my shop for the duration that Trixie was in power… so you could say that I wasn’t a collaborator at all!”

A snort from a few rows down. “Please. You just ran out of nitrous that day!”

Colgate twitched. “Well, the result was the same!” the pony defended herself vehemently. “At least I did my bit in convincing Trixie to leave, Shoeshine!”

“Sheesh, Col’; ponies still have to live under a dictatorship!” came the fierce retort. “You’re crazy if you think destroying everything was any sort of an answer to Trixie!”

“Yeah, of course, that’s what all slaves say to justify- “

“All right, that’s enough, that’s enough!” Lyra yanked the microphone back from the budding argument, knowing full well how these things could spiral out of control. “I have to say, on a theoretical level I agree more with this proposal than the last one, but still, on a practical level this could still be problematic: hand- I mean, hooves?”

A majority – smaller than before, but still over half – raised their hooves.

“May I remind you that under Equestrian Law, collaboration with the enemy is an offence that can result in a charge under the Treason Act,” the bespectacled Mayor reminded in exasperation. “So may we kindly remind everypony that it’s not practical for the Government to open investigations into half of Ponyville’s population!”

“Well, how about this then!” a voice from the rear hollered out.

Mayor Mare squinted to see who was speaking. “Oh, Mrs. Cake!” she said. “Please, tell the assembly here what your proposal is about.”

The baker cleared her throat as she prepared to speak. “I must agree with Shoeshine in that the first priority of every pony is to ensure that she and her kin live safe and happy lives. It’s not reasonable to expect civilians to resist the enemy when we actually have nothing to resist them with!”

“I’m sure there are many ponies will agree or disagree with you, Mrs. Cake.”

“I haven’t gotten to my main point yet!” the rotund mare continued. “The point is that it should be the Government’s responsibility to defend Ponyville against invaders of any sort! So really, the only collaborators in this town were the bureaucrats who were helping Trixie in the administration!”

If that was meant to be a jab at Mayor Mare it wasn’t working. “I suppose that is a narrow enough definition, though I wouldn’t know because I was in jail all that time,” the gray-maned pony emphasized. “Maybe the Deputy Mayor might know better. Ms. Heartstrings, are you aware of any acts of collaboration within the Government?”

The lime-green unicorn shrugged. “They were questioning me all the time that Trixie was around. But as far as I can tell, the lights were still on and water still flowed from the kitchen taps.”

“Exactly!” Mrs. Cake insisted. “You see, you government officials should have shut down all the power and the water the moment Trixie arrived! Arrest all the collaborators in Town Hall!”

Too easy. “Umm… not to say you’re wrong, Mrs. Cake… ” the Deputy Mayor tread carefully. “But who is going to keep the power and water running in Ponyville while we suspend all the bureaucrats pending a collaborationist investigation?”

A pause.

“Nothing to add, Mayors,” came the abrupt response.

Mayor Mare flashed a faint smile of appreciation towards her Deputy. “Well, well!” she concluded. “This does seem to be a problem. The wider definitions of ‘collaboration’ implicate far too many ponies for anything useful to come out of it. The narrower definitions of ‘collaboration’ risk damaging our recovery from the Coup. I’m starting to think that any meaningful investigation into potential collaborators is going to be pretty impossible… ”

“Or maybe there weren’t any collaborators in the first place.”

Everypony’s gaze turned towards the unicorn in the front row. “Ahh… our resident scholar and heroine, Twilight Sparkle! We’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter.”

“Sure, Mayor.” The unicorn cleared her throat. “The way I see it, as much as we don’t want to admit it… Trixie’s coup was the legal successor to the Ponyville Government. After all, the agreement between Trixie and I implied that she’d take over Ponyville.”

Lyra’s eyes twitched. “Um, Ms. Sparkle… ”

“So really, the first time I lost, Ponyville was automatically transferred to Trixie’s rule!” the bookish mare continued obliviously. “So really, any obedience of Trixie was only obedience to lawful authority!”

“Twilight… ”

“So really, there’s no question of collaboration at all and we all should stop worry about it!” the unicorn concluded, folding her forelegs in satisfaction.

The rest of the Town Hall didn’t seem to think so, settling into a sort of passive-aggressive stillness. “Who gave you the right to negotiate with Trixie?” a voice from the crowd piped up.

Too late, the purple unicorn’s eyes flashed open in shock. “Oh, um… err… ” she stammered, realizing the trap she had fallen into.

“Wait, so if you negotiated a treaty when you had no power to do so… doesn’t that make you the collaborator?” somepony else asked.

“Ah… ehh…” A sweating Twilight silently gestured towards Mayor Mare. “Help me!” she mouthed.

It was no use. “Oh! Eh… ” the tan pony scratched her mane. “Well, uh, Ponyvillians… maybe we shouldn’t jump so quickly to conclusions… after all, the agreement with Twilight… erm... ” The legal contortions required were fast spinning out of Mayor Mare’s abilities.

Twilight’s breaths became shallower and shallower as she realized that nopony could save her now-

“Hey!”

For the umpteenth time, everypony’s attention was suddenly grabbed by an interrupting pony.

“Are you kidding me?” Rainbow Dash shouted, angrily hovering in the middle of Town Hall. “You’re going to say that Twilight Sparkle betrayed Ponyville? Celestia, she just saved all of you ponies from Trixie!”

“Oh! Umm… yeah!” Lyra Heartstrings quickly fell into line. “Yeah! Celestia, what were you ponies thinking!”

The weathermare looked at the lime-green unicorn with some disdain. “You know what?” she pressed on. “Who cares? You go ahead and arrest Twilight with… whatever you were going to arrest her for! Let’s see how you ponies deal with the next monster that comes your way!”

That nipped the growing cacophony in the bud. Ponyville Town Hall fell back into silence, slightly ashamed of what they were planning to do. They stayed silent for quite some time, Twilight’s faint mews and hiccups punctuating the air.

Mayor Mare had to do something to stem this awkwardness. “So, umm… I think we all agree now that this task of rooting out ‘collaborators’ has been a bit of an own goal?”

No response.

“Shall we have a show of hooves for those who want to continue this investigation?”

No response.

“Well. So by the will of the ponies, let us drop the issue and never speak of it again... ”

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) Based on the experience of collaboration movements, esp. WWII France. 2) 9 Trixiedor refers to the Coup of 9 Thermidor, where radical French revolutionaries were overthrown by moderates. 3) Vigilante justice against Vichy collaborators was widespread as France was liberated and the new French government was desperate to stop it. 4) The Allies post-WWII argued that by not resisting Nazism, Germans had to bear collective guilt for its atrocities. 5) The 'legal purge' in France post-WWII argued that it was the duty of every citizen to 'resist occupation' by any means. 6) Nevertheless, a complete purge of Vichy collaborators in France wasn't done because it would risk destroying the fragile Republic. 7) The issue of WWII French collaboration is tied up in the 'legality' of Vichy France - not as clear-cut as most people think. 8) Saviors of the Nation generally get 'free passes' on the dubious things they do: De Gaulle's establishment of the Free French during WWII was arguably illegitimate and (to some) even an act of treason.

S3E6: Sleepless in Ponyville

S3E6: Sleepless in Ponyville

Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Luna’s spy scandal – Damage control! [ ]

2. LONG TERM – Foster reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]

Every settlement in Equestria possesses a few quaint traditions of its own, habits to which townsfolk cling onto like religious icons and rarely relinquish without a fight. Canterlot has the annual Banana Cake-Eating Festival (a favorite of Her Highness’), Seaddle mandates that its teenagers wear long manes and sing depressing songs, and Appaloosa is home to the odd sport of ‘Juggling on a Herd of Stampeding Bison While Half-Drunk and Cross-Dressed’.

For Ponyville, the day’s edition of the Ponyville Express heralded the start of its own local tradition, which was to try and get a certain pegasus ejected from her post as Ponyville’s weathermare.

“Rainbow, Rainbow, Rainbow,” Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings taunted, on the prowl like a shark about its prey; in her hoof was a rolled-up paper which the lime-green unicorn brandished menacingly. “Why do ye torment this government so? Dost thou thinkest that your friends shalt fish you out every damn time you get into trouble?”

“Hey!” The pegasus might not have understood the bastardized Old Equestrian, but the meaning was clear enough. “I’ve told you ponies a million times, I was being interviewed for rescuing Scootaloo from the river! I didn’t know how big of a deal talking about Luna’s dream duties was going to be! I mean, everypony must know that the Princess of the Night looks into dreams- “

“Correction: everypony suspected that the Princess of the Night looked into dreams. Before this, ponies might have sensed Luna intruding into their sleep, but they had no idea if anypony else felt the same way – and nopony wants to be cornered into admitting that they fantasize about a thousand-year old mare. Now your interview has so helpfully revealed that no, everypony has felt Luna rummaging around at some point, and thus you are responsible for this huge and unnecessary debate about ‘dream privacy’ and ‘Big Government’ and so on.”

Lyra leant in, shark-like demeanor only enhanced by the glistening white grin she displayed in front of the pegasus. “So tell me, Rainbow Dash, why I shouldn’t fire you on the spot?”

“W-well…” the pegasus nervously thought for a few seconds. “I mean, it’s j-just Princess Luna, right?” she stammered, suddenly anxious. “I h-haven’t done anything… bad… to P- Ponyville?”

“Hm.” That gave Lyra some food for thought, and she drew back. “Perhaps you might have a point. But exactly how much point will depend on the outcome of Mayor Mare’s meeting with Her Highnesses… ”

*

Reception Hall, Canterlot Castle, Canterlot

Princess Celestia proffered a teapot. “Tea?” she asked.

Mayor Mare nodded, eyes darting to the day’s edition of the Ponyville Express – EXTRA! SCOOTALOO AND RAINBOW DASH REVEAL MASS DREAM ESPIONAGE – and for once, she thought that the rag’s outrage might not be entirely unjustified. “Y-yes, please,” she replied, uneasily.

The white alicorn poured out a cup of tea and proceeded to hoof it over to Princess Luna, sitting next to her.

The tan pony gulped.

“Let’s get to brass tacks,” the white alicorn began, reclining into her couch. “Mayor, you know full well that Equestria’s security is something that requires coordinated effort on different levels and across multiple dimensions. It’s all very well to patrol the borders and bring up the magical detectors, but if we don’t secure the somnial dimension as well, all our efforts to prevent evil from infiltrating our borders will come to naught.”

“So in this light, your proposal to question me before a special committee… ” Princess Luna continued, eyes narrowing in menace, “…like I was some common provincial criminal, is deeply unpatriotic, as well as extraordinarily insulting.”

Mayor Mare gulped some more, hating the feeling of clammy cold sweat gumming up the back of her neck. “But you must understand, Your Highnesses – the citizens of Ponyville have legitimate concerns about you just going in and peeking through their dreams. They find it a gross invasion of privacy.”

“Hmph. Don’t be so full of yourselves!” Princess Luna stuck her muzzle in the air. “You act as though you think we’ve marked out Ponyville for a special destiny or something... in fact, your townsfolk were only caught in a broader dream-sweep that I was undertaking for the entirety of the night.”

I suppose Public Relations wasn’t really an issue of concern one thousand years ago. “That would not particularly alleviate concerns over the mass espionage, Your Highness,” the tan pony explained timidly. “Please understand – the Ponyville Government is on your side, and we are in the process of punishing the whistleblower who dared leak this confidential information. But the cat’s out of the bag… and I have to be seen to be doing something about this.”

If Mayor Mare’s groveling was supposed to impress the Princesses she was sorely mistaken. “Don’t talk like your slander against Miss Dash is some sort of favor to us,” Princess Celestia scolded. “That filly is only doing her best to shield Scootaloo from the witch-hunt that your press calls ‘journalistic investigation’, and all of this while we are about to entrust Twilight and her friends with momentous tasks.

“But that’s all by-the-by. The point is this: we won’t apologize for spying.” Celestia emphasized each word with a sharp rap upon the coffee table. “There’s no point in Luna being Princess of the Night if she restricts her activities to pulling up the Moon and stars, like what a motorized curtain can already do. What I can assure Ponyvillians is this: as long as I am here, whatever information we collect will strictly be used for benevolent ends. On that they not only have my word for it, they have actual, concrete proof in Scootaloo and Miss Dash’s testimony.”

The tan pony was increasingly despondent. “But-“

“Everypony spies on everypony else,” the white alicorn declared imperiously, levitating a sheaf of paper into the Mayor’s hooves. “If you insist on convening this… special committee, then this detailed schedule of the next few weeks will explain why neither I nor Princess Luna can present ourselves at Ponyville for questioning.”

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

“Still can’t believe Princess Luna spies on all of us,” Mrs. Cake opined loudly without any particular audience in mind. “I mean, imagine what she saw when she entered my dreams… not that it matters; family, wholesome stuff, it is! What an invasion of privacy, dream-stealing!... Still, I suppose it’s better than what she’d find in Big Mac’s head – Cheerilee said that… “

“You see, Ma’am, everypony spies on everypony else,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon said. He had brought along a coffee packet containing Mare-ca beans he had ground at home, and was now stirring the mixture with a light aristocratic flair. “Information has always been a resource of extraordinary value, and the wondrous-ness of its abilities march in lockstep with the difficulty of its possession. What you term ‘spying’ is just another way of obtaining that information.”

Mayor Mare glumly took her tea. “That doesn’t make it right,” she pondered. “But that’s all old news now. New news is that I’m grounded on a sandbank halfway up the creek without a paddle in a leaking boat: if I go ahead with the investigation, I make the royals angry; and if I do nothing about the case, I make the ponies angry. And I would like neither of them to be angry.”

“And that’s where I – and my information – come in,” the gray stallion pointed out smugly. “In all honesty, Ma’am, you are overthinking the issue. If you accept my foundational assertion that ‘everypony spies’ – and you should – then it naturally follows that reasonable ponies must realize that they do not really possess any moral high ground on which they can climb onto and laugh at those unfortunates still wallowing in the filthy muck…“

“There is a clear difference between eavesdropping on a casual conversation and entering somepony’s mind,” Mayor Mare ventured.

“Irrelevant. The methods and outcomes of the spying do not matter – you are still obtaining information from somepony without express consent,” Crimson Ribbon declared. “In any case: best to follow my lead, unless you want to solve this problem yourself. The point is that reasonable ponies should see in Princess Luna’s actions only a more powerful and less-capricious version of themselves – and they will eventually come to this conclusion, provided that they have the time to settle down and think it over. Our problem is that currently their foalish emotions, unwisely encouraged by our rambunctious press, are preventing them from settling down.”

“Okay, so we have to get rid of their emotions,” the tan pony responded mirthlessly. “You could have just gotten straight to the point.”

“It is the theory, Ma’am – the theory! How can you expect to execute a plan without understanding the structure that underlies it?” Crimson Ribbon exclaimed in exasperation. “But imagine a sister or a brother whom you are in competition with – one whose talents, you suspect, are vastly in excess of yours, but you have never had the evidence to prove it. Now imagine that your sibling not only provides you with said evidence, but reveals his powers so grandiosely that it makes you look like a blathering idiot! How would you feel about such a situation, in the heat of the moment?”

Mayor Mare imagined it even though she knew the correct answer to give. “I’d probably feel a bit jealous, to be honest; a bit bitter. But I get your point.”

“It is not a particularly difficult point to grasp, Ma’am. Everypony has that small piece of their brain in which all that jealousy and bitterness is stored; every day it throbs, waiting for the chance to strike, and when it does the whole body is seized and convulsed in a frenzy that the lesser folk would call ‘one-upmaneship’. We must release all our jealousy and bitterness and channel it into such an act.”

“Alright, so an act of ’one-upmaneship’… what do you call it, by the way?” the tan pony asked instinctively.

Crimson Ribbon smiled mysteriously, thinking of times long past. “Me? I call it revenge…”

*

Bit Coin’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

Equestrian has a phrase for those poor ponies whose private lives open them up to all sorts of blackmail: “those whose tail can be pulled”. Seen in this light, Finance Secretary Bit Coin was a veritable peacock whose long and ponderous train could not help but fan out in a glorious display, attracting the attentions of both friend and foe alike.

But even the chestnut mare had her limits. And as she heard the familiar tap-tap of Lyra’s hooves against the door, and the sly, slinky creak, the pitter-patter of muffled hoofsteps on the carpet floor – Bit Coin had had enough. Dark clouds descended upon her, her eyes rolled, and in one defiant move the young mare pushed sideways on her table and spun around to meet her friendly tormentor. “I’ve had it with your blackmail, Lyra!” Bit Coin shouted, trying to put on her most determined face. “I’ve already put my career on the line by heading this stupid special committee which is supposed to be trying the Princesses, and now you want more? No, I’ll admit it: I love Delta Force – love him more than his wife ever can – and I’m not afraid to admit it in front of everypony! So threaten me all you want, but I’m-“

“Sheesh, Bit,” Lyra retorted, mouth not knowing whether to smile or curse. In her magic she held a small manila folder. “You act like everypony doesn’t already know what’s going on between you and our Security Chief. Trust me: if that was my only source of leverage, I’d have exactly zero power over you.

“In any case, why are we talking leverage between friends?” the mint-green unicorn said, bringing the frightened mare into an embrace with a smarmy grin. “You see, it’s not so much leverage I hold over you… as it is about the things I do for you.” The aura around the incoming parcel disappeared, and the folder tipped over onto the desk with a thwap that betrayed its contents as a large wad of paper. “There it is, right there; your key out of this mess the Mayor put you in.”

Bit Coin looked uneasily at the Deputy Mayor before scrambling to open the folder and examine the ambrosia that was inside. “’Personal Schedules of HRH the Princesses Celestia and Luna, from the period dated-‘” The chestnut pony’s eyes widened as she suddenly realized what exactly she was looking at, and they eagerly darted around to see if anything interesting was to be found on them. “Wow- oh, wow – the Princesses devote that much time to that?!” she exclaimed, looking at the lime-green unicorn with incredulous eyes.

Lyra shrugged. “Alicorns need off time too, I guess,” she said nonchalantly.

“Uh… wow,” Bit Coin gasped, still feeling somewhat lightheaded. “Okay, I guess this would distract the Ponyville Press for a few days, but that still leaves the question of Princess Luna’s spying unanswered…”

“You twit,” Lyra groaned, putting her hoof to her face. “We’re not simply throwing the press a bone here. We’re showing our citizens that we also have the tools to spy on the Princesses. If Her Highnesses want to run roughshod over our liberties, then we are darn well going to run roughshod over theirs!”

“You’re telling me that Mayor Mare stole- “

“Of course she didn’t, you dummy. You think our Mayor is capable of that? Obviously the Princesses just gave her those schedules to excuse themselves from appearing at your committee – but intelligent ponies work with what they’ve got.” At that point Lyra puffed out her chest, as if it was she who had been said intelligent pony.

The Finance Secretary turned the schedules over, eyes squinting as if scrutinizing some treasure map. “What about Rainbow Dash?” she asked.

“Spring turns to summer, Sun comes after rain, and Rainbow Dash will inevitably do something that will allow us to fire her.”

“Uh-huh,” Bit Coin said, examining the devious paper before her one last time. “You know, Lyra: I’m not sure if what we’re doing will actually help the cause of personal privacy…”

“Oh? Is that so?” The Deputy Mayor raised an inquiring eyebrow. “Well, of course you’d be interested in the cause of personal privacy, considering that you and Delta Force-“

Celestia darn it! “Oh all right, all right.”

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) NSA spying, need I say more? Mainly from the USA-Germany spat and also the complicated US-Israel spying relationship. The Princesses' explanations for spying mirror Obama's own. 2) Refusing to testify before the US Congress it has happened before, e.g. with the FCC on Net Neutrality laws. 3) A common denunciation of NSA whistleblowers and journalistic investigation was that they caused public opinion to swing against spying and thus endangered national securities. 4) Ponyville's eventual 'spying' alludes to the fact that Germany was eventually also caught spying on other EU countries and 5) that victims of spying have frequently expressed their displeasure in various ways, from 'revenge spying' to withdrawal of support, hacking/counter-hacking and so on.]

S3E7: Wonderbolts Academy

S3E7: Wonderbolts Academy

Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

The Agenda:
1. Special meeting re: allegations of cadet abuse. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Foster reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]

The minty-green pegasus before the Mayor talked up a good story: sad tales of abuse and of neglect, ignorance and willful misinformation, all rolling off her tongue like a raging waterfall. During her tenure at the Academy, Spitfire had deliberately fostered a culture of excessive risk, giving only the most minimal thought to the well-being of the cadets, and individual leaders – especially a certain Rainbow Dash – had thus become actively reckless in their hazing.

All these allegations piled up and loomed over the horizon, but Mayor Mare’s attentions remained firmly focused on the one critical issue before her. And as Lightning Dust continued to talk about how Spitfire’s capricious reign meant that cadets were promoted or stripped of rank based on whim, the tan pony’s laser-like focus could not help but zoom in on the thing that mattered most: her interlocutor’s golden-yellow hair, twitching and bobbing with emotion whenever its mistress came across a particularly salient point. To be honest, the entire structure looked rather like a poorly-colored jungle plant, a toupee made from twisting vine-leaves and a large banana palm… actually, from another angle it now looked like the backside of a fox, and for a split-second Mayor Mare leant away, as if fearing that the hair would suddenly bare teeth and leap at her-

“What is with that hair?” the politician couldn’t help but wonder, aloud.

“And also- w-what?” Lightning Dust was suddenly thrown off guard, and her hoof instinctively darted upwards, unsteadily petting at the mane. “I-it’s natural!”

For a few seconds an awkward, awkward silence consumed the stately room.

“Ahem.” Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings cleared her throat, glaring daggers at her embarrassed boss. “Anyway, Miss Dust… yes, your allegations… obviously Ponyville residents have enrolled in the Wonderbolts Academy, so that gives us the right to conduct an investigation – if the situation is a bad as you say it is, we will of course take action… anyway!” The lime-green unicorn got up and began ushering the pegasus out of the room. “Thank you once again for bringing this issue to our attention, and we’ll make sure that all those affected by this heinous crime will see justice served…”

“Yes, Mayors, please do something about those poor, poor ponies trapped in that place before-“ Lightning Dust managed to eke out before the door slammed in her face.

Lyra returned to Mayor Mare. “Spending too much time with Berry Punch, Mayor?” she quipped sarcastically.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t look at the hair.”

“Well of course I did… then again, Bon doesn’t have the most conventional hairstyle,” the Deputy Mayor replied, cautiously brushing over her own crop. “But to business. Mayor: this is a great opportunity for the both of us - we’ll finally be able to do what we’ve always wanted!”

Mayor Mare adjusted her glasses and cautiously examined the suddenly-bubbly pony before her. “By that, you mean establishing democratic oversight over the most secretive section of the Guard, and demonstrating to Equestria that no organization can operate above the law?”

“No, you dingus! This means we’ll finally be able to get rid of Rainbow Dash!” Lyra announced happily, rubbing her hooves together in glee. “Unlawful assault, dangerous flying and gross misconduct, oh my!...”

The tan pony raised an eyebrow as she watched the lime-green unicorn do a little jig across the room, light fixtures swaying with every jolly hop. “Sounds like using the Elements of Harmony to crack a nut,” she began cautiously, guiltily conscious of the rain she was bringing to the parade. “Her Highnesses will already be mighty annoyed that we’re humiliating their elite guard…”

“And that’s where the genius of my plan comes in,” Lyra boasted. “We’ll go through all the window-dressings of an official inquiry – summoning witnesses, weighing up evidence, and so on, and we’ll get credit for standing up for the rights of Ponyville citizens. But at the end of it all, we’ll publish the report that we’ve always wanted to publish, which is to switch out the allegations of systemic mismanagement within the Academy, and instead blame it all on the single bad seed known as Rainbow Dash. So Ponyville citizens get their circus, the Wonderbolts don’t have to admit guilt, and we get to fire our troublesome weathermare. Perfect!” The lime-green unicorn gloated with a twisted grin.

Mayor Mare chewed on a pencil-rubber and thought. It certainly seemed like a win-win situation, on paper – few drawbacks, much profit, and seemingly little hassle (inquiry sessions being the perfect getaway from the pressures of work) – so why was she getting that tingling, alarming feeling within her head? Was there something that her political sixth sense knew, and she didn’t?

“Ms. Heartstrings, I’m not so sure…”

“Urgh!” Lyra huffed, rolling her eyes in typical teenage fashion. “We won’t get anywhere with Rainbow Dash unless we start thinking new, Mayor! That mare is literally unfire-able through conventional means –how are we ever going to bring the bureaucracy to heel if this one weathermare continues to defy our political power?”

The tan pony uneasily adjusted her glasses again. “It’s not that, Deputy Mayor… it’s just the feeling I have that we’ve missed a step somewhere…”

“Look, Mayor: if you don’t have the guts to deal with this, I can handle the pressure myself. I’m already in charge of Land and Cultural Services; I’ll be more than happy to take Justice too,” Lyra said confidently. “Let me stare down the Princesses, and I'll keep you far, far away from the firing line!”

*

Outside Meeting Room 1, Town Hall, Ponyville

To the Mayor and Deputy Mayor of the Ponyville Government:

I understand that you have requested my presence at a hearing over recent allegations that have surfaced with regards to our training regimen at the Wonderbolts Academy. I sincerely and absolutely appreciate the concerns that many citizens of your town have had regarding this issue, especially in recent days. As such. I will attend the hearing and intend to make a full account of myself and the organization, to the satisfaction of the Ponyville Government.

Regards,
Sgt. Spitfire, Wonderbolts Academy

“Don’t try to hide behind that letter,” came a seething, grating voice that Mayor Mare knew too well.

Obediently the tan pony lowered her papery shield, and came face-to-face with a very unamused, very glaring Twilight Sparkle.

“This is another one of your tricks to get Rainbow Dash fired, isn’t it?” the purple unicorn growled angrily, red blushes welling within her cheeks. “Why can’t you or Lyra just leave her alone?”

Looking at Twilight’s basilisk gaze reminded Mayor Mare of one of the more ludicrous rumors about the town egghead being able to read minds – she didn’t believe a word of it, but emptied her brain of content just to be safe nonetheless. Silence is golden; silence is golden… unfortunately, that also produced a gormless look that did nothing to assuage the concerns of the magical prodigy.

Twilight took silence as assent and her face darkened a shade. “Is there something about Rainbow Dash that makes you hate her so much? What, is she doing no work? Are her wages ludicrously expensive? Does she take the whole year off and put it down as sick leave? Come on, say something!” the unicorn said in frustration. “Give me a reason so I can at least tell her what she needs to do-”

“Oh! Ms. Spitfire!” Mayor Mare abruptly shouted, catching a glimpse of the Wonderbolt’s fiery-orange mane and immediately glomping on it like a branch hanging over raging waters. “So glad that you could make it to this hearing… I hope the train journey wasn’t too bad…”

The yellow pegasus glanced quizzically at this tan pony, who had suddenly pounced out from nowhere and was now wagging her tongue like some long-lost pet. “Are we supposed to talk before the actual Inquiry, Mayor?” she asked uneasily.

“Oh! Protocol’s so much more lax here than in the big cities, Ms. Spitfire- Sergeant Spitfire, sorry,” the gray-maned mare corrected, attempting to lead her interlocutor into the far corner of the room. She looked up at Twilight; the purple unicorn was still as un-understanding as ever.

Talk to you later, Mayor Mare mouthed cheekily.

“I-it’s Captain Spitfire, technically…” The normally-unflappable Wonderbolt was not sure what to make of this unexpected hospitality; she tried to tug her leg away from the Mayor’s surprisingly firm grasp. “Look, Mayor, I’m not very comfortable with this-“

“Captain,” Mayor Mare interrupted, voice suddenly serious. They were now obscured from broader view by a leafy pot plant. “Captain, I just want you to be sure of this: the Ponyville Government isn’t out to extract a price from the Wonderbolts; we’re not looking for your head on a platter. We don’t intend to allege some massive, systemic flaw in the Wonderbolts Academy – we’ll conclude that it’s the work of a certain bad seed and leave it at that.”

If this plan is to succeed, we have to make sure that Spitfire knows she’s not the real target of our Inquiry. We won’t be able to nail Rainbow Dash if Spitfire gets blamed for everything!

It took a few seconds for Spitfire to digest the news, and her eyebrows arched upwards accordingly. “You’ve already decided what the conclusion of the Inquiry is before I’ve even spoken?”

“Yes,” Mayor Mare replied earnestly. “Humiliating the Wonderbolts will not do us - nor the Princesses - any favors.”

Eyebrows arched even higher, and Spitfire’s muzzle tilted ever-so-slightly upwards. “I see,” she said, voice regaining its steadiness. “Well, this was unexpected… I’ll, uh, know what to do,” the yellow pegasus continued, forcing herself past Mayor Mare and out into the open, where she hastily approached the double-doors. “Please tell Chairpony Heartstrings that I’ve arrived,” she told an attendant bureaucrat.

Ding-ding, ding-ding… the ringing of the hoof-bell signaled convocation for the Heartstrings Inquiry into Allegations Regarding the Practices of the Wonderbolt Academy. And as the doors swung open to let defendant, press and public inside, Lyra already positioned center-stage like a Queen or a deity of old, Mayor Mare could not help but think about the exchange that had just occurred between her and Spitfire, and how odd and unnatural it all seemed from her perspective.

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

“Dear Ms. Chairpony: as I have written in my public response to your letter, I have come, in my position as Sergeant of the Wonderbolt Academy, to make a full account of the operations of the Academy, especially with regards to the most recent training season and in response to allegations concerning hazing and excessive risk during that season. The Academy has conducted an internal investigation into the issue, and I regret to inform you that it has indeed revealed serious and systemic defects in the structure of the current system that have given rise to such allegations. This is a failure on the Academy’s part and it has damaged public trust in the Wonderbolts organization – as the head of the Academy, I take full responsibility for what has happened under my watch. I am therefore announcing my resignation from all administrative positions in the Academy, and will return to regular duties as a member of the aerial flying team...”

“I told you to talk to Spitfire,” Lyra Heartstrings groused gloomily as she slurped on her third milkshake of the session – a surefire indication of a very unhappy unicorn.

“I did!” Mayor Mare protested. “She looked at me like I was from the Moon, and then proceeded not to do what I told her to do.”

Lyra hoovered up the fluffy remnants at the bottom of the glass and motioned for Mrs. Cake to bring on another round. “Damn military ponies,” she grumbled. “Always thinking they’re better than the rest of us.”

One should have seen the once-so-bubbly, so-imperious unicorn a mere five minutes into the Inquiry. Spitfire had barely got past her opening paragraph before Lyra deflated like a released balloon; her mouth fell slack and her eyes drooped and sagged, as if they had not seen sleep in months. Several times she had even dropped her prize gavel on the ground, and an embarrassed Spitfire had to remind the unicorn to pick it back up... the Inquiry slogged on for the whole morning, witness after witness corroborating the Wonderbolt leader's statements, before Lyra could finally adjourn it for lunch – and probably indefinitely, by the looks of it.

“She thinks she’s so principled,” Lyra grumbled sourly as Mrs. Cake came around with her tray, talking about how Spitfire was so brave and so honest and oh Celestia I need to find out where my husband’s gone! “She thinks that taking responsibility when there’s an easy way out is so admirable… well, I bet she didn’t even want to be in Wonderbolt Academy in the first place. She obviously got put in that job and now she’s found the perfect excuse to throw herself out!”

“Principles are only for ponies who are happy with the status quo,” Mayor Mare concurred, secretly thinking that it was a very Crimson Ribbon-esque thing to say.

“Exactly,” the unicorn said, beginning to slur as the cumulative effects of all that milkshake began taking its toll on her. “You and I, we have to make compromises all the time for the good of the ponies… and for the country… now Celestia will think that we've gone after the Wonderbolts, when all we wanted to do was nail Rainbow Dash… argh!” she exclaimed, slumping onto the table like a melting scoop of minty ice cream. “All I want is to be rid of that pegasus! Is this supposed to be that difficult?!”

"Well yes it IS!" A sudden yell from the doorway took the gloomy duo by surprise. Lyra and Mayor Mare turned around to see an unamused prismatic mare, head craning forwards as far as it could, smoke emanating from her nostrils; her hovering wings slashed through the air like steely knives. Beside her, Twilight Sparkle gave an apologetic glance and quickly ducked behind her furious friend.

"What do you have against Spitfire?!" the pegasus roared, startling a few of the clueless customers inside: precious teas and coffees rained down on the expensive carpet; evidently she had both overheard and misheard Lyra's little rant. "Why can't you just leave her alone? She protects Equestria, for Celestia's sake! Even if she did screw up a little, you have no right to-"

Lyra pushed away Mayor Mare's restraining forelegs and staggered up in a delirious rage. "So I suppose you would give Spitfire a free pass on everything because of that, huh?" she retorted. "Well, doesn't that sound like a certain weathermare we all know!"

"Hey! Both of you!" Mrs. Cake's howl crested over the ascending din. "I don't care if you saved Princess Celestia herself - if you two want to fight, take it outside!"

Heavily breathing, adrenalin surging, Lyra Heartstrings and Rainbow Dash shot one last death stare at each other before striding out the deli door.

Sugarcube Corner remained deathly silent, but for the clinking of empty glasses and the anxious breathing of the townsfolk, all training their ears on what was to happen outside. Twilight Sparkle sidled up sheepishly to the stony-faced tan mare. "Uh... so you're just going to let them have at each other, Mayor?" she ventured, crowning her forced sincerity with a smile and a grin.

"I... um..." Mayor Mare began, seemingly lost for words. "I'm sure the press have better things to report on."

The magical unicorn put her hoof to chin. "Maybe they do, Mayor... maybe they do..." she said, wiggling her ears as the first scraps of sound filtered through Sugarcube Corner's walls. "Well, at least now Ponyville's seen you defend them against the Wonderbolts - and that's got to help the cause of reconciliation," she opined thoughtfully. "Hm. I should really put in a claim for the whole tornado incident... there are a few books that I wouldn't mind possessing in the very near future...

"Oh, and Mayor? I've talked to Rainbow Dash - and I, um, sort of understand where you're coming from."

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) Abuse of conscripts in South Korea, which is far less nice than anything encountered in Wonderbolts Academy; 2) I don't know why, but Lightning Dust's mane cut really reminds me of Donald Trump's (and not in a good way); 3) a common allegation leveled against governmental inquiries (e.g. the UK's Chilcote Inquiry over Iraq) is that the conclusion has already been predetermined in advance; 4) Spitfire's honesty (should you believe it) alludes to the fact that military institutions tend to be the most trusted in any country; 5) Rainbow's defense of Spitfire is pretty much how South Korean generals stalled investigations into conscript abuse for decades.]

S3E8: Apple Family Reunion

Season 3 Episode 8 – Apple Family Reunion

Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

The Agenda:
1. Approving the New Sweet Apple Acres Barn. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Foster reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]

“Pick one,” Mayor Mare said, leaning back and crossing her forelegs. “Go on, just pick one.”

Laid out on the table before the gray-maned mare, like assorted knick-knacks in a crafts festival (though with considerably less thought put into the layout), were the various memorabilia Mayor Mare had taken back from her presence at the Apple Family Reunion. Cards and blankets and little charm bracelets, a mini patchwork quill, and in the corner a jagged hunk of wood from the original Barn, having found meaning and value in its untimely end.

“Well you can pick two, if you want,” the tan pony clarified to Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings. “Or three. Or four. Or all of them, really: I don’t want them.”

The lime-green pony regarded the display before her as if she was looking at a squashed bug. “Well, I don’t want them either,” she said, instinctively reaching out for the bruise on her left flank. “Where’s the food?”

“I called dibs on the food,” Mayor Mare replied curtly.

The Deputy Mayor grimaced. “Whoever made this is just plain stupid,” she opined, picking up and examining a creasy card haphazardly stamped with glitter and hoofprints. “Apples are good at apples, not arts and crafts. Stick to cooking and stop making me accept things I don’t want.”

“It’s all just part of Meet and Greet, Deputy Heartstrings; Meet and Greet – an eight-year-old gives you that card, you got no other choice but to accept it. I mean, that little foal’s going to be a potential voter in ten years’ time!”

Lyra cast an curious look at her political superior. “You don’t seriously think that you can remain in power for so long, Mayor?”

“Well, you don’t seem to know the basics of Meet and Greet yourself, so why not,” Mayor Mare gently ribbed, putting her hooves up on the desk. Relations between her and her Deputy might have become more cordial in recent times, but Lyra was still a political nemesis and the tan pony never lost sight of that. “The Apple family and their farmhooves form the largest electoral bloc in Ponyville, and their continued support is what has put me above you in the elections, multiple times.”

Lyra let the gaudy-looking card flutter down onto the table with a smirk. “That’s where you’re wrong, Mayor,” she declared. “It’s all about the money now; the cold, hard bits! With money you control the distribution of pork, pick the winners and losers of society; with money you can hold all the rallies you want, make the voters believe anything about your opponent… chasing after votes is passé now, Mayor - the bit is everything!”

Mayor Mare shrugged. “I didn’t say that it wasn't,” she said, wondering if Lyra had only just arrived at that ‘amazing’ conclusion. “The Apples also said they’d donate to my SuperBIT if I’d attend their reunion-”

Lyra almost did a double-take. “They did what?!” she sputtered.

“SuperBIT: Ballot Initiatives Taskforce. Fundraising! Seriously, Lyra, don’t tell me-“

“You began fundraising without telling me?!” Lyra exclaimed, eyes lighting up in sheer anger for the briefest of moments; she reconsidered, and immediately her orange irises began to tear up and tremble, resembling the eyes of a puppy in their earnestness. “But… but I thought we were working together!” she stammered weakly. “As a team! Facing down Canterlot and the overbearing Princesses!”

While it was inevitable that some version of this was going to happen, Mayor Mare was still rather shocked by the quality of the minty unicorn’s acting. “Well we are still doing that,” she said, trying to comfort her sniffling Deputy. “But the purpose of our coalition government was always reconciliation, and I think Ponyville’s wounds have healed enough now that we can go back to normal politics next term… there’s still things we’re going to do for these last few months, like competing for the Equestria Games… it’s only fundraising, anyway, and not the actual campaign…”

Lyra tried and failed to dab her eyes dry. “B-but… we…” she stammered and stuttered, words punctured and punctuated by a series of snorts and sniffs.

However reluctantly, Mayor Mare could feel Lyra’s little show start tugging at her heartstrings. The way she curled up sadly, tail scurrying between her hindlegs; the way her body shuddered and twitched at random moments, and her hairs trembling and drooping along with it; the way she pathetically pawed at her eyes and touched her muzzle, mouth half-open as she sobbed and hiccupped… it was almost as if Cheerilee herself was crying before the tan pony, like the day when she left for teaching college, or when…

“Hey, hey; don’t be so upset about this,” Mayor Mare rushed to Lyra’s side, motherly arm curled around the lime-green pony. “I-it’s only fundraising… and the Apples haven’t paid up yet… l-look, Lyra, look; you’ll be able to raise your money soon enough, I’m sure of it, and we’ll have a fair contest after that, alright? A fair, and gentle contest…”

*

Finance Secretary’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

“From now on, you’ll be working on my command.”

Five minutes later saw Lyra Heartstrings pacing round and round Finance Secretary Bit Coin’s office. The tears had easily been wiped away; the stutter and the shuddering disappeared as fast as they came. Now the minty-green unicorn was scowling and foul-tempered, and her eyes burned with an incandescent rage.

“She screwed me over. The Mayor screwed me over. Me!” the unicorn muttered darkly, stamping her hoof with every furious outburst. “How… how dare she start fundraising before I’ve secured my bankroller!”

The timid chestnut pony started and curled back with each stomp, recoiling from the Deputy Mayor and begging for all this to end as quickly as possible. “W-w-well technically th-the Mayor didn’t ask them,” she squeaked out. “Th-they asked her to attend…”

“So that just proves that the Apples are in cahoots with the Mayor, trying to pervert legitimate democratic processes,” Lyra snarled. “How dare they try and corrupt Ponyville’s government with their thousands of bits! No, I won’t let it; I won’t let it." She repeated the mantra again and again, an increasing mania in her voice. “I won’t, I won’t…”

Lyra was spiraling into smaller and smaller circles, walking faster and faster when suddenly she stopped on a dime, and she looked straight at Bit Coin, fiery eyes piercing into the chestnut mare’s very soul. She took a deep breath in, held it, and slowly exhaled, mimicking those age-old yoga rituals that were all the rage within the circles of the elite.

"Ponyville is heading towards disaster, and only I can save it,” she finally breathed, as if ready to embark on a legendary quest of her own. “The fates of all the poor ponies in this town depend on me. I need to do something, now – and you need to help me do it,” she concluded, gazing sternly at the chestnut pony shrinking ever-further into her chair.

Lyra had cried not a few minutes ago; now Bit Coin was on the verge of breaking down herself. “W-why?” the Finance Secretary pleaded.

“Because if you don’t, I’ll tell Ponyville what you’re doing with Delta Force...”

The chestnut mare gulped pitiably, finding whatever shred of courage she had slipping away from her. The bureaucrat was never somepony to stand firm in the face of strong pressure, the temptation of compromise and the fear of public shame always overcoming resistance at the point of decision. “W-what do you... need me to d-do?” she finally gasped.

“Nothing, really,” Lyra said nonchalantly, and began pacing around again: her gait was however more measured, more steady; it was the pace of somepony who possessed a plan and a strategy, no matter the broad strokes in which it was conceived; the desperate and caught-off-guard anger that had consumed her earlier slunk back into its lair. “For the moment, you can continue as normal. But I want to receive copies of whatever the Mayor is sending or ordering your way… and when push comes to shove, I need your guarantee that you will listen to me, rather than to her.”

Bit Coin let out the breath that she had been holding in all this time. The terms were much lighter than what she was expecting, and she supposed that retrospectively justified her lack of nerve. Still, the stress it engendered was not ideal – she should really ask Delta’s wife to buy more of that mane-cream Bit Coin herself used whenever she stayed over for the night... “Um, yeah, I can do that,” the chestnut pony mumbled after a brief consideration.

“Good! Now I hold the money levers in Ponyville – and everypony will soon know that I pay for support,” Lyra schemed, twisting her face into a grin so evil that thunderclouds were gathering on the far horizon. “Now, just to contact Filthy Rich and persuade him to donate money to my SuperBIT…”

Bit Coin wiggled her ears. “I thought you wanted to restore legitimate democratic processes?” Whatever that means.

“Yes, and I’m going to restore it by drowning Mayor Mare’s campaign in a flood of cash!” Lyra snapped, irritated that the mare’s mewlings were cutting into her precious thought-time. “The rich have a right to speak out against bad policies too, you know!”

*

Audience Hall, Canterlot Castle, Canterlot

The tea flowed freely into the china cups, a particularly rare brew from the mysterious East known as the Silver Spirit. Obtained through a tortuous process of pressing, drying, and repeated magical infusion, the drink was so-named because of its ability to induce an ambrosia-like effect in its subject - for days one would feel younger and healthier, though physically the body remained the same; indeed, the earliest ponies to happen upon the brew were often so intoxicated by it that they would exert themselves far beyond what they were supposed to, and suffer horrible injuries in the process. The point was that the Silver Spirit was an uncommon and cherished drink, and whatever it was that convinced the Princesses to break out their meager stocks must have been very important indeed.

"You must realize that we do not enlist your services lightly," Princess Celestia began, cautiously sipping from her cup to ensure a suitable dilution. "A few days ago, we commissioned a poll to see what your subordinates thought of you, and the three most common words that popped up were 'slimy', 'arrogant' and 'condescending'."

"That, and the fact that the public barely knows who you are at all," Princess Luna added, face so serious it might as well have been chiseled out of granite.

"But we have no choice. We have cajoled, promised, nagged and begged; we have tolerated your outlandish antics, and have even tried offering great rewards to your frankly-insignificant town... nothing has worked," the white alicorn explained, voice wispy in exasperation. "Ponyville's politics remain as aggravating and chaotic as ever."

"I probably will never understand why that town generates so much noise in comparison to its size and importance," Princess Luna opined.

"And now your town seeks to challenge the royal prerogative - a tendency that, no doubt, will only escalate as election season nears and both of your 'leaders' start slinging mud at each other," Celestia huffed, nostrils flaring in clear displeasure. "We feel that a line must be drawn in the sand, and that the liberties that you have claimed for yourself must be returned. Most importantly, we feel that this beast that is Ponyville must finally be made to bow its head, and a leash put around its neck."

The Princess of the Night nodded in agreement. "Your town must be made to see sense. Ideally we would trust all of our subjects to police themselves, but clearly in Ponyville's case this is an empty hope - especially if what the Finance Secretary says is true."

"This is where you come in," Celestia said, getting to the crux of her plea. "Originally, we had intended a more... gradual induction into power for Twilight Sparkle, notwithstanding her wading around in legislative politics last term, but I highly doubt that I - not to mention my sister - can stand another round of Ponyville elections. So we shall be cutting the season short and placing our own solution at the top of the government, instead."

"Under no circumstances are you to divulge this information to the Mayors," Princess Luna warned, eyes flashing dangerously. "I warn you that there are greater gods on this earth than the municipal Town Hall - though judging by the amount of disasters Ponyville gets, I doubt we can inflict much more punishment on the sinners."

"You will not fail us, Mr. Secretary." Princess Celestia set down her crockery and stared directly, earnestly at her interlocutor. "We know what you are capable of - certainly you have shown greater perceptiveness than many of your fellow Old Colts from Oatsford, many of whom now languish in Canterlot far, far away from their place in the Sun. What we ask of you is not beyond your capabilities."

"We only ask that you silently prepare Twilight Sparkle for her responsibilities ahead," Princess Luna clarified. "Guide her in the nitty-gritty of municipal administration as best as you can, and keep her safe from the machinations of Mayor Mare and Deputy Mayor Heartstrings. Once she settles in, we expect the political environment to give her little trouble: she is a smart filly, and will be able to handle everything that comes her way."

"If you have any questions about this, you'd better ask them immediately," Princess Celestia urged, betraying a little of her nervousness in the haste to get the whole thing over and done with.

On the other side of the table sat Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon, calm as though the meeting were just a tea with his parents. He picked up his untasted cup oh-so-slowly, twirling it slightly in his hoof, before he lifted it to his mouth and savored the flavors.

Princess Celestia and Luna leant in, eyes wide, and held their breath, as if they half-expected the gray stallion to keel over and die from the mixture. The tension in the air was palpable.

"Just one question," the gray stallion asked as he guided his china cup into the indentation of its saucer with a delicate, deliberate clink. "Do you actually intend for Ponyville to host the Equestria Games?"

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: bit sparse in this episode, but 1) Lyra's 'discovery' relates to the broad sweep of US campaign financing: Super PACs, the search for 'sugar daddy' donors to bankroll campaigns, and the talking-point that mega-donations count as free speech; 2) controlling the budgetary levers makes for a very powerful position, which is why the Finance Minister is almost always No.2 in most parliamentary governments; 3) Celestia and Luna's plot partly mirrors the the way Chinese officials make connections with all major officials in the Hong Kong government (and not just the Mayor), so as to use the bureaucracy to restrain particularly undesirable elected officials.]

S3E9: Spike at Your Service

Season 3 Episode 9 – Spike at Your Service

Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville

The Agenda:
1. Meeting with Filthy Rich. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Foster reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]

The Law of Diminishing Returns states that the more of a certain good you consume, the less utility you receive from each successive good; and it is the opinion of most Equestrian economists that this Law applies to everything in Equestria, which means that yes, you can have too many dreams of Princess Cadence (or would it be having a dream with too many Princess Cadences?). Either way, if even that scenario succumbs to the diktat of marginal utility, then the Law must inevitably apply to the case of a magical, book-loving arch-protégé of the Solar Princess, and the towering, writhing mass of books that menaced before her.

Twilight gulped as the door opened and another crate laden with books was unceremoniously dumped on the wooden floor. “I… I have to read all this?” she exclaimed goggly-eyed, for the first and (likely) only time in her life.

Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon was many things, but being sympathetic was not one of them. “Why yes,” he said, idly filing away at a stray hoof splinter as the unicorn beheld the pile before her like some ancient ruin. “The ideal pony must first be educated in the proper arts: mathematics, writing, and etiquette... oh, and also in music, archery, and chariot-pulling.”

“But what about government?” Twilight frowned as she examined the natural wonders forming in the land of paper. “I thought you said Princess Celestia wanted me to get a better grip on municipal administration.”

“Mere distractions,” the gray stallion said, dismissively pooh-poohing her concerns. “That all comes naturally once you learn the classics. In the words of my Oatsford don: once you've learnt how to pull a chariot, then you’ll have understood the only political lesson that matters – fewer ponies equals greater control.”

The furrows on Twilight’s brow deepened, and she began to wonder if she should really take this so-called ‘mentor’s’ advice at face value. “'How to Train Yourself to be a Loner',” she muttered, pulling out a book that depicted a lone adventurer wandering off into the sunset on its cover. “Surely I don’t have to read this…”

“Au contraire,” Crimson Ribbon advised condescendingly. “Any statesmare of worth has to learn how to sever worthless connections and strike out on her own. Why, your brother would never have managed to become Prince of the Crystal Empire if he clung on to his old bonds and friends!”

“Shining Armor had no friends,” Twilight answered bluntly. “You expect somebody who’s won that big of a jackpot to have friends?”

“Just making a point,” the Secretary for Administration leant back in his chair and continued his filing. “I myself rejected a mare’s advances four times until she finally gave up and married somepony else – unfortunately for her, still stuck at Transportation.”

The unicorn grimaced: whatever Princess Celestia has in store, I hope she brings it on fast. “Well, however… important all this reading is, I’m entitled to some free time of my own,” Twilight Sparkle declared defiantly. “Princess Celestia sent me here to make friends, and I’ll be making time for them if they ask me for help.”

“Ah, the traditional work-life balance...” Crimson Ribbon spoke as if he was narrating some farmer’s commercial. “Yes, of course, you should have a suitable amount of free time – so long as all that free time is devoted to working concerns.”

“Do you give this sort of advice to the Mayors as well?” Twilight challenged, incredulous.

“Do I?” the Secretary of Administration eyed Twilight mysteriously, the faintest glint in his eye. “No, Ms. Sparkle; they already do it…”

*

Rich Industries Company-Horlogerie, Ponyville

Despite its name, Filthy Rich (JP OSS KOS)’s company was not actually in the watchmaking business. It did, however, give the millionaire license to abbreviate his company to RICH, figures of which he promptly stuck in bold-and-golden capitals, on every place where the eye could see.

“I’m rich. I’m really rich,” the chestnut-coated stallion began, swiveling around in his leather chair in the manner that one saw in movies – he overshot, and had to paw his way back towards his audience. “You know how rich I am? Money magazine estimated my net worth at 50 million; they’re wrong. It’s actually 300 million.”

Yeah, if you discount all the debt from your six bankruptcies, Mayor Mare thought. Spending time in front of this blustering plutocrat was perhaps not her preferred form of off-work relaxation, but if Lyra Heartstrings was going to make Mr. Rich her sugar daddy, then sure as Tartaros she was going to attempt the same thing as well…

…which turned out to be slightly awkward, because Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings was now also standing beside her, Mr. Rich having diabolically scheduled their meetings to clash. The lime-green pony saw Mayor Mare looking in her direction and responded with an angry scowl. Well, that’s the end of reconciliation, then...

“You know I’m just a businesspony,” Filthy Rich said. “I give to everypony: they call, I give. And I will give to you both too, if you grant me this simple request- ”

“Simple request, yes, simple request!” Lyra Heartstrings leant forward eagerly, mouth salivating in anticipation. “Give, yes, Mr. Rich, yes; I’ll do anything!”

Mayor Mare kept her dignity for all of one second. “Yes, Mr. Rich, yes; I’ll do anything too, believe me!” she said, leaning forwards and lolling her tongue – she tried hard but somehow she still looked less personable than her minty rival; wide-eyed Lyra at least looked somewhat adorable in her begging, while Mayor Mare’s audible breathing and saggy face more resembled a gorilla instead.

Not that Mr. Rich cared. “-and you know what that request is? All I want is: two, three years down the line, for me to pick up the phone and know that you’re there for me. You know who did that stuff the best? Mayor Fields,” he added with a wistful sigh. “One day I called him at his office and told him, ‘Be at my wedding!’, and you know what, he came to my wedding – he had no choice, because I gave. To be honest, I reserved him for Diamond’s wedding as well, but… well… you know,” he winked knowingly at his two supplicants. “Not even money can save you from what you did in college.”

Lyra was practically chomping at the bit, posed to pounce at the stallion to the ground and plant kisses on every inch of his face. “Oh please, Mr. Rich, you know that I’ll do anything you ask!” she whined, getting on her withers and praying. “I’ll give you all the building contracts for the Equestria Game stadiums! I’ll deregulate so hard that you’ll drown in all the profits! I’ll take away the copyright of Zap Apple Jam and-“

“Um… Lyra?” Mayor Mare paused for a split-second and looked cautiously at the catatonic mare beside her. “Those aren’t yours to give-“

“I’ll kick Cheerilee out of the school and let you privatize the whole educational system! I’ll turn Rainbow Dash and those weathermares into employees of the Rich Foundation! I’ll open up the entire Everfree and let you build houses in it! I’ll-“

Oh, what in Tartaros! “I’ll ask Princess Celestia to award you with a Golden Silver Star!” Mayor Mare joined in, kneeling and clasping her hooves in penance. “I’ll let you patent the word ‘rich’! I’ll ask Twilight Sparkle to tutor Diamond Tiara personally! I’ll ask Princess Luna to serve as your personal dreamcatcher! I’ll ask Shining Armor to provide you with personal security! I’ll…“

All the while, Filthy Rich stood on his pedestal like a modern-day god, and snickered at the bawling mortals below. He would record these promises all right, and maybe one day present them with the checks that they had just sworn to cash in (that said, he didn’t need Twilight to tutor Diamond Tiara, just for his baby to get into Hayvard)… but then again, it wasn’t entirely fair to hold them up to their pledges. After all, for all the show he had put on, Filthy Rich was really only prepared to spend one million bits on political advocacy, and he had already decided to split the money evenly between the two candidates; that way at least, he could ensure that no matter who won the election, he’d still have his direct line to Town Hall…

Whoever said that the system was broken?

*

Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville

I really should stop seein’ Spike so much, Applejack thought as she trotted up the steps to where Twilight Sparkle and her dragon assistant were. I don’t particularly want him to develop a crush on me too…

The little dragon’s ‘thing’ for Rarity wasn’t exactly unknown amongst the circle of pony friends, and it wasn’t an uncommon topic of gossip during the idle days; Applejack had her share of cringes when she saw Rarity pretend to ignore Spike’s obvious fantasies, or tiphoof delicately to avoid hurting the little dragon’s feelings – what was it with Rarity, anyway? What was so impressive about that frou-frou unicorn that made Spike only like her? Last time Applejack counted, there were plenty of ponies around town who would gladly choose her over Rarity…

Whoa nelly! That went in entirely the wrong direction, the orange pony cautioned as she approached the duo, Spike faithfully holding a lamp while Twilight pored over a musty tome. “Erm, Spike, are you free to talk?” the orange pony asked, maneuvering herself into a position where she could see what Twilight was reading. “’How to Train Yourself to be a Loner’- land's sakes, Twilight, what in tarnation are you readin’ that for?”

“Ah!” Twilight yelped, startled, turning and narrowly missing her friend’s face as she did so. “Oh, AJ- it’s nothing, just a bit of reading that Princess Celestia told me to do...”

Applejack leafed over the pages disinterestedly. “Thought she told you to make friends,” she remarked.

“Well, yes… but then, she’s also preparing me for a larger role in Ponyville, so-“ Too late, Twilight’s eyes widened and she covered her mouth. “You did not hear that,” she whispered.

“Uhh…” The orange mare chuckled sheepishly. “Well, you know, it’s hard for me to lie if somepony asks… anyway. Spike, I want to talk to you,” she resumed, turning towards the curious dragon with a plastered smile on her face. “Y-you remember the time I saved your life, Spike? You know, against the Timberwolves?”

“It happened this morning,” Spike replied, surprised that Applejack had forgotten already.

“Uhh… yes, about that,” Applejack removed her hat and scratched her mane apologetically. “You see, I recall you sayin’ something about a ‘Dragon Code’ and ‘servin’ me forever’ and all that…”

“I thought we were even-steven,” Spike said, and shared a worried glance with Twilight.

“Um – heh – no, I don’t think we are even-steven,” came the response. “Or at least, we were even-steven… until I saved your life. Again. From Three. Timberwolves.”

“But didn’t I then save your-“ Spike stepped back, worried by this sudden turn of heart. All these calculations of even-stevenage were also starting to hurt his head. “Whatever. So what do you want, anyway?”

“Ha, erm, straight to the point; I like it.” Applejack was blushing furiously. “It’s not that difficult. I just need you to help clean up and reorganize Lyra Heartstrings' house, and help Bon Bon with all her sweets-”

“Hey!” Twilight interrupted, annoyed that Applejack was taking away her exclusive supply of free labor. “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

“C’mon, Twilight, I need to do somethin’ for the Mayor!” Applejack admitted, bringing hooves together and trying out her best pity-me face. “She’s tellin’ me that Filthy Rich’s promised her half a million bits if she would drive out all the farms in Ponyville!”

The unicorn raised an eyebrow and said nothing.

It would be a lie to say that the dragon felt pleased at this sudden turn of events, and the look on his face showed it in full. “Ah, fine,” he grumbled. “If it’s only for a single day, I guess I could-“

“Uh, no, that’s the first day,” Applejack continued, burning brighter than ever. “Next day, you have to do Lyra's groceries, then find a replacement lightbulb for her antique sconce, then cut out all the passages mentioning her in the Ponyville Express, then…”

Spike was already walking away, a dark cloud above his head. “I really need to learn how to make better Dragon Codes,” he groaned.

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) Crimson Ribbon's 'proper arts' are adapted from Confucius'. 2) Until the 1920s the way to enter the UK bureaucracy was through 'the classics': philosophy, history, Latin and Ancient Greek. 3) Trump! Trump! Trump! Filthy Rich's speech was basically what Trump said regarding donations to Hillary Clinton during the 1st Republican debate. 4) Mayor Fields' downfall due to 'what he did in college' (according to Filthy Rich) references trouble currently beleaguering UK PM David Cameron. 5) Who knows how low candidates will stoop for contributions? Scott Walker's campaign died after donors left him, after all. 6) Despite this, donor hedging is fairly common: Wall Street donates to both US parties. 7) Opposing interest groups will engage in 'bidding wars' to buy politicians, e.g. cable vs. internet companies in this election cycle.]

SE310: Keep Calm and Flutter On

Season 3 Episode 10 – Keep Calm and Flutter On

Rich Industries Company-Horlogerie, Ponyville

The Agenda:
1. Meeting with Filthy Rich. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Foster reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]

Something odd was in the air: one moment the Mayor was standing in the midst of a cavernous cave, lights flashing; then came an image of Filthy Rich, face gnarled in a sour and faux-seriousness, striding in slow-mo from his RICH-emblazoned carriage; clouds zipping by the office of Rich Industries; spotlights tilting and nodding behind the silhouettes of two very familiar ponies; Mayor Mare could see her name lit up in golden spotlights. A funky guitar was playing: “Money, money, money…"

The filthy rich millio-billionaire strode confidently on stage.

“Good morning,” he said curtly.

Mayor Mare’s heart skipped a beat. “M-morning,” she stammered. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Lyra flinch and stutter out her greeting as well – and found out that, somehow, it was soothing her nerves.

The millionaire slipped into his chair as the political leaders of Ponyville stood before him, heads bowed like naughty schoolfillies. Allowing for a moment of dramatic silence, Filthy Rich cleared his throat, assumed a mantis-like pose and immediately began issuing his challenge:

“We’re standing in front of the RICH family emblem. As you can see, the mark of the Three Coinbags has become a symbol of Ponyville. It shows my rule over this little town. And you know, there are various forms of rule. There’s political rule, which is the actual writing and issuing of orders. Then there’s non-political rule, which is not the actual writing and issuing of orders-”

Mayor Mare cast a sideways glance at Lyra Heartstrings.

“Let him,” the minty-green pony mouthed.

“-it’s important that my rule be the only rule in town,” Filthy Rich continued, his hooves pressing down in his mantis-like poise. “As everypony knows, you two want to show the Princess that you can engineer the peace in Ponyville. And the easiest way is to let me engineer the peace in Ponyville. Really, the task?”

Really Rich? Really?

On cue stepped a young stallion, mane moussed back and glistening in the cold harsh light. “Each pony is going to find a way to get rid of Discord. You’re allowed to use any method to get rid of Discord – though the legal ramifications, of course, will have to be borne by yourselves.”

“Keeping the peace in Ponyville means that only one pony can call the shots in this town,” Filthy Rich continued. “Our town has become a dumping ground for all of Equestria’s problems. When Canterlot sends its ponies, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending ponies that have a lot of problems… they’re bringing chaos, they’re bringing discord, they’re demons – and some, I assume, are good ponies.”

Mayor Mare cast another sideways glance at Lyra Heartstrings.

“Let. Him!” the minty-green pony pleaded through gritted teeth.

“So!” Filthy Rich again raised his mantis-claws, drawing the entire scene to a rousing end. “Good luck, do your thing, and don’t come back until you’ve succeeded.”

Almost immediately Lyra puffed out her chest. “Yes, Sir!” she exclaimed, giddy as a rookie at a Wonderbolts initiation. “I’ll get the job done for you, Sir!”

She cast a sneaky glance at her gray-maned counterpart and smirked. I dare you to copy me now, dork!

Mayor Mare pursed her lips. “You can count on me, Mr. Rich…” she said calmly. “For only I have the experience to get things done.”

And without another word, the tan pony turned on her hooves and left. Lyra, seeing this, hastily made her excuses and suspiciously eyed her from behind: the Mayor was acting unnaturally calm for such a momentous task, and more often than not that meant that some scheme of hers was about to be hatched…

“And don’t forget – at the end of this, somepony will have to go!” Filthy Rich bellowed after them.

*

Audience Hall, Canterlot Castle, Canterlot

The great military strategist Stallion Tzu once said that ‘to subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill’. He also cautioned that ‘if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle’.

Unfortunately for Mayor Mare, Stallion Tzu was assuming that one knew who the enemies were, which in this instance was not particularly the case.

“You see, the Mayor fancies herself quite the armchair general,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon explained condescendingly to the political mistresses of his political mistresses. “And thus she has asked me to inform you about Filthy Rich’s plot to unseat Discord – I suppose in the hope that you will hoof down some edict to erase any chance of that happening, at least until she herself requests it.”

Princess Celestia glanced at Princess Luna before turning back to the ‘Royal Tutor’, nurturer of their hopes in the form of Twilight Sparkle. “They do know why we put Discord in Ponyville, right?”

The aristocratic stallion let loose the slightest of mysterious smiles. “Alas, Your Highnesses, I think my political mistresses are still unaware of the depth of feeling that Your Highnesses have for them-“

“We put Discord there because we wanted him reformed!” Luna insisted indignantly, the issue obviously touching on a very raw and personal nerve. “Petrification certainly constitutes cruel and unusual punishment by any standard, even for the most heinous of criminals – and it goes against everything that the Equestrian nation stands for!”

The words of the prodigal alicorn, passionate and bold, rang true about the gilded halls of the Palace... only to be greeted with a tense and awkward silence.

Princess Celestia offered up an embarrassed laugh. “Ah, yes… of course, yes, criminal reform: that’s why we sent Discord to Ponyville…”

“Wha-?” Princess Luna’s eyes widened, first in disbelief, then in horror. “’TIA!” she bellowed. “I thought we were doing this for criminal justice reform!”

The white alicorn winced as the full force of the Royal Canterlot Voice impacted her like a hurricane. “Calm down, Luna!” she retorted. "I clearly told you that, quote, ‘What I know about it, as of today, and I don’t yet have all the details: I am in favor of criminal justice reform’. Surely I’m allowed to change my mind?”

Luna fell back into her couch, glaring at her sister. “We had that conversation only a few days ago! And now you've decided to turn this whole experiment with criminal rehabilitation into some contemptible joke?"

“Well, I've thought about it some more, and as of today have come to the conclusion that, based on what I have seen, criminal justice reform is not at a high enough bar to satisfy my current gold standard for priorities; at least, not compared with our Ponyville issue. Surely you also want some payback?”

The Princess of the Night crossed her forelegs, unsatisfied. “You’re a flip-flopper,” she announced haughtily.

Celestia made a face and turned back to her interlocutor. “Anyway,” she said, returning to topic with Crimson Ribbon. “Yes. I have no interest in seeing Discord come back to Canterlot – not yet, anyway. I shall issue the edict immediately-“

“With all due respect, Your Highness,” Crimson Ribbon interjected. “Such a blatant move will only unite Miss Heartstrings and Mr. Rich against you, increasing the chance that your plans for Ponyville will be exposed just as it is entering its most delicate phase. You must be cautious, Your Highness.”

The Princess nodded sagely. “You have a point,” she concurred. “We must provide something else to deflect Ponyville’s attention onto.” She took a sip out of her cup. “I trust you have something to say about this, Mr. Ribbon?”

At Her Highness’ prompting, the gray stallion slowly lowered his head, philosopher-like, onto the crook of his foreleg, and began setting the cogs of his intellect in motion.

“Shill,” Luna sulked and muttered darkly.

*

Rich Industries Company-Horlogerie, Ponyville

The combination of bass-drum and tinkling-bell, with an occasional repeating piano note added in for good measure, said all that needed to be said: this was to be a moment of tension.

Really was talking. “I think, in the end, all leaders have to be responsible for their failures. Even if said failure came as a result of a royal edict preventing them from doing anything meaningful. You can’t just blame other ponies and expect to get away with it.”

Filthy Rich, gravelly as ever, nodded. “Even if the alternative is getting cast into the Sun. You'll never make good deals that way.”

The build-up over, the brown stallion swiveled around in his chair and loomed over the two ponies below him, their legs trembling despite their best efforts.

“Mayor, Lyra; I would normally consider you two bright fillies, but on this task you both have let me down,” he stated grimly. “I gave the both of you clear instructions to evict Discord from Ponyville, but instead you two come back and he’s still here.”

Lyra, ever grasping, seized the first opportunity. “Mr. Rich, believe me! I tried to appeal to the Canterlot Palace,” she groveled, looking up with puppy eyes towards her ever-more-distant financial benefactor. “I tried, Mr. Rich, I really tried; it wasn’t my fault that Princess Celestia refused-“

Mr. Rich was unmoved. “Discord’s still here, Lyra-”

“Yes, I know that, but it’s not-“

“Discord’s still here-“

“Mr. Rich, please-“

“Discord’s. Still. Here, Lyra,” Filthy Rich declared with an air of finality. “He’s not gone. You failed.”

Lyra was stuck flailing around, mouth hanging open like a stranded fish. “Please, Mr. Rich,” she tried one last time, voice lowering to a whimper. “The bid for the Equestrian Games is coming soon. I swear by Celestia, Mr. Rich, I’ll get that nomination for you, no matter what-“

“Mayor,” Filthy Rich said, ignoring the pathetic lime-green mare and focusing on the Mayor, quiet as a dormouse. “In my opinion, you are a very, very ineffective leader – your decision-making was absolutely terrible, you’re the reason why Ponyville doesn’t win any more. Manehattan is winning. Canterlot is winning. You don’t know how to make great deals for this town.

“And Lyra – you talked such a big game, but failed to deliver on any of it. You’re only the Deputy Mayor because you came in second place. I like ponies who aren’t in second place.”

Lyra bit her lip and remained silent.

Filthy Rich gestured at the oaken desk before him. “In my whole time in business, I’ve never seen two ponies lose so badly. Mayor, Lyra: if this was a business team, I’d have you all fired… but unfortunately, you two are the only ponies running for election this year. So I guess you’ll all have to be retained. Until the next task.”

Mayor Mare swore she heard, at that moment, the low yet dramatic rumble of a bass drum.

*

Mane Street, Ponyville

Exhausted by their travails, Lyra and Mayor Mare took a cab back to Town Hall.

“I don’t think it was fair,” Lyra Heartstrings whined. “I don’t think it was fair at all! It wasn’t my fault that the Princess decided to suddenly issue that Edict banning anypony from moving Discord out of Ponyville... what was I supposed to do, disobey the Princess’ orders and get myself sent to the Sun? And Mr. Rich picked on me for failing to get Discord expelled. He didn’t say anything bad to the Mayor…”

“You know I’m right next to you, Lyra,” Mayor Mare muttered sarcastically.

“I know,” the Deputy Mayor seethed through clenched jaws. “It’s just… he’s such a jerk. If it wasn’t for the fact that I need his money, I’d-“

“Well, you’re not providing him with much of a service,” the tan pony rubbed salt into wounds.

Lyra smoldered. “Neither are you!” she screeched.

Mayor Mare reclined serene. “Maybe not at present,” she mused. “But the bid for the Equestrian Games is coming up soon and I’m sure to win that for Ponyville... Mr. Rich will then get all the construction contracts he wants and he’ll be sure to back my candidacy, one-hundred-percent.”

“You won’t get it,” the lime-green mare scowled. “I’m the only one who can achieve that!”

The gray-maned mare acknowledged Lyra’s protestations with a careful tip of her head and a knowing smile. After all, she knew something that her Deputy didn’t – that Celestia was going to award the honor of hosting the Equestria Games to Ponyville, and in particular to the Mayor in her capacity as the town's Mayor. That would mean that Lyra would have no say in the preparation for the Games at all, which meant that the subsequent organizational funds - and by extension the Mayoral election - were entirely Mayor Mare’s for the taking!

So let Lyra whine like the crybaby that she was – all the Mayor had to do was sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. After all, the Princess couldn't possibly have promised the Games to somepony else!

Author's Note

[Particular inspiration: 1) More Trump (esp. his stint as host of NBC's 'Apprentice'), including some of his more famous 'Trumpisms'; 2) Princess Celestia's qualifier-laden speech is basically Hillary Clinton's statement justifying her changing position on TPP; 3) Venue choice for sports events (esp. FIFA sports events), can sometimes come about due to corruption and politics rather than any merit on the hosting town's part.]

S1E1: Friendship is Magic, Part 1

Season 1 Episode 1 - Friendship is Magic, Part 1

"...alright, we are now calling Ponyville for the Equestrian Party, yes, that's Ponyville, West Phalia; once again, Ponyville for Mayor Mare, for the Equestrian Party, Ponyville goes into the Equestrian column; wow, that is some margin, Timberwolf Blitzer!"

"Yes, Racer Meadow , pretty large margins, 65 to 35: let's bring up our latest-technology touchscreen; you can see here, East Ponyville - that's Apple territory - look at those wards, they have done a political U-turn! Compare that with the last election! Incredible!"

"Yes, I guess we were all expecting some losses for the Equine Party; the scandal surrounding Mayor Fields hit them pretty hard, it's probably safe to say Lyra Heartstrings never had a chance, but those margins, they are still phenomenal!"

"Indeed, Racer; the Equines will have to take all the votes from West Ponyville in order to catch up, and from our exit polls this is simply not the case - so once again, we're calling Ponyville for the Equestrian Party; Ponyville, West Phalia, for the Equestrian Party, in a tremendous landslide; Ponyville, West Phalia, for the Equestrians..."

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

Crimson Ribbon, SOSM., SSS., HP., was the Secretary of Administration in Ponyville and in charge of all the paperwork. As such, he was of some ranking in Ponyville. Which just made the fact that he was now standing hat in hand, awaiting the new Mayor that much more jarring.

"By the Princess, she had better -"

“Oh, I’m very sorry, I’m heere!” Mayor Mare’s voice rang out from around the corner.

The stallion stood to attention as a gray-maned, spectacled mare came into view, slightly flustered and confused. First day blues.

“Ah, Ma’am. Congratulations. So nice to see you here,” Crimson Ribbon bowed as Mayor Mare raced past him. "I am the Secretary of Administration, Crimson Ribbon. You will of course know that I am your liaison with the Ponyville Civil Service."

"Oh, of course," Mayor Mare said, busily inspecting the oaken desk, the leather chair, the brass plaque with the words MAYOR MARE grafted on it - she had done it. She was at the top. She was Mayor of Ponyville.

Crimson Ribbon smiled knowingly to himself.

But alas, all good things had to come to an end. The graying stallion gave Mayor Mare a minute before clearing his throat. "Apologies, Ma'am; the agenda."

Mayor Mare plopped into the mayor's seat, savoring every moment.

"Ma'am, the agenda," Crimson Ribbon repeated, handing Mayor Mare a piece of parchment. "We should have a discussion on what you want to achieve during your tenure. Also, the Princess Celestia has summoned you to a meeting at two o'clock.

Mayor Mare's eyes widened. "The Princess?" she gasped.

"Yes. I understand that it is very irregular for Mayors to be received by royalty. You must be in luck." Crimson Ribbon, by contrast, was unfazed. Fifty-seven years of bureaucratic experience meant that he had seen stranger things.

"Oh my, what an honor..." the Mayor began.

"In any case, we should start on your agenda." Crimson Ribbon was quick to pop any delusions that the Mayor had. "So, Mayor, we all know your campaign slogan: 'Equality, Justice, and Wealth'. Now, how shall we go about achieving this?"

The Mayor was ready. "Well, you all know how the previous Mayor Fields was always being accused of nepotism - being all 'you scratch my back, I scratch yours' and stuff like that,"

She continued as Crimson Ribbon nodded. "Then there were the deals that he struck with the Ponyville upper class. You know, kickbacks, special gifts, the lot,"

"That was improper," the bureaucrat responded diplomatically.

"Well, I intend to destroy this system of pork once and for all! No more deals with the big monied interests. No more secret trades behind the scrutiny of the press. No more tolerating the fat monopolists who try to dominate Ponyville's economy. We will conduct business in the open, with full public input, and with as little waste as possible. It will be Morning in Ponyville!"

Typical Equestrian middle-class horseapples. "These are admirable aims, Ma'am. Do you have a concrete plan?"

The spectacled mare snapped out of her heroic demeanor. "Plan?"

"Well, Ma'am," Crimson Ribbon resisted the urge to facehoof. "you said that your main aim was to tackle the 'big monied interests', as you say. Doubtless you know that the Ponyville economy is dominated by several of these interests. Do you plan on taking them on all at once, or focusing your attention on a particular 'fat cat'?"

"Erm..." Mayor Mare pondered the question. "Well, governing will be difficult if we hit all of them at once...so just one, for the moment, I think."

"A wise move, if I say so. Now, you have a choice of several interests. There's the Apple family who dominate the agricultural sector. There's the Rich family who control the factories. There's Fancy Pants, who holds sway over the shops. And we also have the Small Business Associations, the Everfree Environmental Club, the unions, and numerous others players. Now who will be the recipient of your righteous fury?"

"Hmm..." Mayor Mare mulled her choices. I need honor and glory, and I doubt targeting the pipsqueak associations and unions would give those to me; the Riches and the Pants both donated to my campaign - "the Apples. Let's go after the Apples."

"The Apples," Crimson Ribbon pulled out a thick folder out of his saddlebags. "An excellent choice. Here's the folder on them. To summarize: They own a third of Ponyville. Responsible for a quarter of agricultural output. Goods include Zap Apple Jam and Apple Family Cider. Employ around one hundred ponies. Contribute little to receipts: Equestria's tax structure favors the agricultural sector."

"A-ha!" Mayor Mare said. "Own a third of the land, but only a quarter of the output? That is clearly inefficient! Now if we split up their lands, we can then move away from these diseconomies of scale and let the market work its magic! Entrepreneurial farmers would then be able to innovate in their very own plot of land! Our productivity would soar!" She winked at her subordinate. "I did study economics at Carneighgie Melon."

"Mm-hmm," assented Crimson Ribbon, finding himself slightly in agreement. "in that case, Ma'am, the bureaucracy will strive to assist you in this goal. However, as we are a non-partisan organization, you will understand that we cannot help you in political matters."

Mayor Mare raised an eyebrow. "But surely everything I do as Mayor can be branded as 'political'!"

"But no, Ma'am," the bureaucrat replied smugly. "And to demonstrate why, here is a welcoming gift from all of us here," he handed over a leather-bound, well worn tome to the tan mare. "'The Constitutional Codex of Equestria'. You will find the relevant regulations in Part I, Chapter V, Number XII, Section (A), Subsection XXIV."

The Mayor's jaw dropped. "Surely I can't be expected to know all of this!"

The Secretary of Administration smiled. The test that separates the mares from the fillies. "Allow me to be frank: understanding it would smooth your mayoral tenure in innumerable ways."

*

The Hall of Reception, Canterlot

The Codex would have to wait.

"Stand to attention for the Most Royal Princess Celestia, Ruler of Equestria, co-Magistra of the Griffon Kingdom, Lady over the Canterlot March, Elector of Akhal and of Teke, Grand Duchess of all the Appaloosas, Defender of the Sun and Moon, Dominator of the Seas and the Mountain Lands -"

An interjecting chuckle. "A venerable stallion such as you should really take care of your voice: Royal Chamberlain, you are excused." the Princess Celestia, in her dread majesty, said while entering the room.

"Your Highness!" Mayor Mare prostrated herself in front of Equestria's ruler.

"Arise, Mayor Mare," Princess Celestia replied. "and congratulations. My best wishes for a successful tenure."

"You are too kind." The Mayor gracefully accepted the seat that the Guards had brought in.

The Princess sat opposite her and gestured for hot tea. "Now I do not need to tell you that this meeting is highly irregular and, in many ways, a serious breach of royal protocol. I hear the Governor of West Phalia is most displeased."

"I apologize for any inconvenience I have caused you."

"That is not necessary on your part. For there is a reason behind this, and I will, unfortunately, have to demand your unconditional support before we proceed."

"This much is guaranteed, Your Highness."

"Good. I have decided that my prize pupil - a purple unicorn named Twilight Sparkle - should stay in Ponyville for some time. It would be much appreciated if you could find somewhere for her to stay, and something for her to do. I will be responsible for any expenses incurred."

"Hmm..." I always thought that darned treehouse was a waste of money..."how about Ms. Sparkle as the municipal librarian? She will be able to live in the Library as well."

"Excellent. Twilight has always been the bookish and, dare I say so, cold type."

"Shall I introduce her to the townsfolk, then?"

"That will not be necessary. I intend for her to learn these things herself."

"As you wish, Your Highness."

*

Mane Street, Ponyville

"The agenda is prepared, Ma'am," Crimson Ribbon approached the Royal Carriage. "Please have a peruse and tell me if all this is to your liking."

The Agenda

1. Congratulations/Introductions. [Completed]

2. Meeting with the Princess Celestia [Completed]

3. Preparations for the Arrival of Ms. Twilight Sparkle [ ]

4. Meeting Ms. Twilight Sparkle [ ]

5. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"All clear," Mayor Mare handed the piece of paper back to the bureaucrat. "Now, is the library ready for the Princess' student?"

"Ah," Crimson Ribbon made a polite cough. "We have incurred a slight problem there."

"What problem?" Mayor Mare raised an eyebrow.

"You see, the library is a civic structure in Ponyville. And according to the Structures, Planning, Infrastructure and Township Act (SPIT), civic structures cannot be used for residential purposes."

"But there's always been a bedroom in that library," the gray mare pointed out. "With a kitchen and toilet and everything."

"Yes." Crimson Ribbon said without irony. "I'm just saying you can't live there."

"Well...aha! can't we redesignate the place as a residential building?" Mayor Mare exclaimed, secretly feeling oh-so-proud of her own genius.

"Oh yes. At the next Town Planning meeting, five weeks from now."

"So Ms. Sparkle can stay there in the meantime?"

"Alas," the graying stallion shrugged. "we will have to arrest her for trespassing if she does so."

Too easy. "Well I'm the Mayor, and I will order the police not to evict her."

Crimson Ribbon bowed. "As you wish, Mayor. May I suggest, however, that voters may consider you to be... excessively arrogant, with regards to the law?"

Mayor Mare shuddered out from her complacency with a start. "Oh dear."

The bureaucrat smiled. "There is a way, Mayor."

"How?"

"Ahem," the bureaucrat gazed into the far distance. "Say, I believe the Princess' Birthday Honors list is being compiled as we speak."

"I'll nominate you for a KOSM," the Mayor Mare said, desperate to live up to her promise with Princess Celestia.

"Ah. Sorry," Crimson Ribbon rubbed his head. "I got distracted. As I was about to say, the Mayor of Ponyville does have certain 'Emergency Powers' at her disposal. She can use them anytime for a period of up to ten days, or for as long as required by the circumstances."

"And is the power to rezone land one of them?" Mayor Mare enquired.

The bureaucrat nodded. "For ten days, at least."

"Good. Do that. I'll find some suitable alternative after that."

"That would be best. We don't get many emergencies in Ponyville."

Author's Note

Abbreviations explained (they are all forms of honors):

SOSM: Squire of the Order of the Sun and Moon
SSS: Silver Solar Star
HP: Honored Pony
KOSM: Knight of the Order of the Sun and Moon

(Just in case people think I have some political axe to grind: personally I believe in some conservative ideals, but I understand that other people have different opinions. Also, not a fan of the unregulated free market.)

(Change 1: 'Crimson Apple' to 'Crimson Ribbon' - thanks Aatxe360!)

S1E13: Fall Weather Friends

Season 1 Episode 13 - Fall Weather Friends

Finishing Line of the 'Running of the Leaves' Competition, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Reviewing Procedures for the 'Running of the Leaves'. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

With her star pupil now trotting away back to Ponyville, Princess Celestia turned to the Mayor of Ponyville. "Now, Mayor Mare, it is my opinion that this year's 'Running of the Leaves' has remained sub-par."

The tan mare bowed her head in apology. "I'm sorry, Your Highness. We have tried our utmost to safeguard this year's competition, considering the circumstances." Those 'circumstances' being your refusal to fund our post-Parasprite reconstruction! "At least, the San Palomino Ambulance stall has reported zero injuries so far."

"That is not sufficient, Mayor," the Ruler of Equestria admonished sternly. "The route today was filled with potential hazards. There were stumps and rocks, low overhanging branches - some even containing beehives - buckets of syrup just lying around, unstable slopes... you understand what I mean. Indeed, you must consider yourself fortunate that no injuries occurred, despite the odds."

"I apologize again for this, Your Highness," Mayor Mare groveled, hoping not to be saddled with another thankless task-

"Mayor Mare, I want to see a plan on how Ponyville can clean this competition up," the alicorn ordered. "Your constituents will not like it one iota, when I ban this tradition due to this Government's continued negligence."

The tan mare cursed under her breath. "Yes, Your Highness."

*

The Cabinet Office, Ponyville

"Sell the rights to Chase Manehattan?!" Mayor Mare exclaimed in disgust. "This is a Ponyville tradition! We can't just be giving the rights away to some big-city bank!"

"Ma'am," Crimson Ribbon replied smoothly. "It's the best way of solving all our problems. We give the rights for the 'Running of the Leaves' to them, they run the competition, all this trouble is their responsibility."

"But what if they don't improve the route?" the Mayor thought aloud. "We wouldn't be able to force them to, and then the Princess will shut the whole thing down!"

"Ah," the bureaucrat gave a knowing smile. "Then we just blame it all on the bankers. It's a good tactic. Goes well with the voters."

The tan mare crossed her forelegs. "I can't agree with this, Mr. Ribbon. Ponyville is my home, and I will not be the one who trades away our heritage to some distant company. Why, if Chase Manehattan gets the rights, they could, one day, move the 'Running of the Leaves' to Fillydelphia or to Vanhoover. What would we be left with, then?"

"Well, as you wish, Mayor Mare," the gray stallion gave a sly smile. "But perhaps you will find, later, that this plan is worthy of consideration."

*

Ranger Fluttershy's House, Ponyville

"So now, Ranger Fluttershy, we need to clear the route of all beehives and burrows. Can you do that?" Mayor Mare concluded her brief overview.

"Oh... er... um... sorry," the yellow pegasus whispered apologetically. "I don't want to say this, but it will be difficult... "

When has anything in this town ever been easy? "Why would it be difficult? I don't recall the animals having any rights over the land," the perplexed Mayor inquired. "and even if they do, I'll just invoke 'national security'... "

Fluttershy shook her head. "I'm sorry, Mayor, but... it's not that easy. If you want the critters to stay in their new homes, you need to persuade them," the kind pegasus closed her eyes in thought. "You'll need the food to coax all the bunnies and squirrels out, you'll need to build new burrows and nests and hives, you'll need to make sure there aren't any mean creatures around to hurt them... and, oh! You'll need to make sure all the families and friends can still find each other in their new places... "

"So do that then," Mayor Mare commented, hoping that this was the extent of the Ranger's problems.

The yellow pegasus shook her head again. "I would do it if I could, Mayor, you know I would; it's just that I'm just one pony, and there are so many different critters out there on the path... I'm sorry, I just don't have the food or the resources to do all of that! Oh, I'm so sorry... "

Well okay, so this isn't unsolvable. "I understand, Ranger Fluttershy. Why don't you just send a cost estimate over to Town Hall, and we'll give you the money needed to buy all this stuff?"

*

Syrup Treacle Farm, Ponyville

"Mayor, are you telling me to abandon my livelihood in order for some ponies to run without trouble?" Sun Streak eyed the tan mare suspiciously. "Rumors are swirlin' 'round that you're gettin' awfully close with them Apples- "

"No, Mrs. Streak, I am simply asking you if you could move your buckets away from the route for the duration of the 'Running of the Leaves'," Mayor Mare tread carefully. "just one day, out of a whole year."

The azure mare shook her head. "Ma'am, I get the feelin' you have no idea how syrup is extracted. I can only get syrup when the weather's cold at night and warm durin' the day. So spring and fall's the only times I can do this - and the 'Runnin' of the Leaves' occurs slap bang in the middle of that fall flow!"

"Great," Mayor Mare muttered under her breath.

"If I don't put them buckets there, you ponies are gettin' nothin' on your pancakes over the winter. Except maybe honey, but everypony knows that's just not as good," the golden-maned pony stressed.

"Look, Mrs. Streak. Are you sure you can't move the trees further away from the route?"

"Well... " the mare considered the proposition. "there is a good patch of land quite a ways in, but it's part of the Whitetail Forest Park- "

"I'll tell Canterlot to redesignate that part as soon as possible," Mayor Mare reassured her.

" -and it'll cost some to make sure them trees don't get hurt- "

"Submit your cost request to Town Hall and we'll grant your proposal," the tan mare instinctively answered.

Sun Streak's face broke out into a sweet smile. "Deal, Ma'am."

*

Foot of Whitetail Mountain, Whitetail Forest National Park

"So you see," the engineer pony gestured with his construction hat. "slope here's very dangerous. I'd say it's around a, uh, 4 on the Scale."

"Right," Mayor Mare considered the assessment. "Funding's not a problem. Let's get a team here then and blow that slope up!"

"Uh, you mean secure the slope, Ma'am," the engineer corrected her uneasily. "And in any case, it will not be as easy as you make it out to be."

Not this again! "Why?" an exasperated Mayor asked.

"Well, you see Ma'am, this slope is not Ponyville jurisdiction. The path and the area surrounding it is, but not the slope. We need permission from the National Parks Authority before we can operate, and even then we wouldn't be able to do the large-scale fixing needed to keep this slope safe. Aesthetic reasons."

Sheesh, can't anypony here co-operate for once? "Look, who's in ultimate charge of the NPA?"

"Well... Princess Celestia, I guess," the engineer replied.

"And guess what? Princess Celestia wants us to do this," the tan mare smirked. "So she'll definitely have to agree with us. So you just go on and give me the cost estimate."

The engineer shrugged, knowing now that he had someone to blame. "If you wish, Ma'am."

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

Finance Secretary Bit Coin slid over a folder. "I have to tell you, Ma'am, that I strongly oppose allowing any of these cost estimates to go through."

The Mayor opened the folder, wondering what all the fuss was about. "This is not about the money, Ms. Coin. This is about Ponyville tradition, and our fight to preserve our cultural heri-tage?!" her mouth leapt open in shock.

Ms. Coin beamed. Now Delta owes me fifty bits! "The cost estimates are, perhaps, what we could call 'exaggerated'."

The tan mare's face sunk into a frown. "Look, this is unbelievable - a sixth of our income just to fix Whitetail Mountain? And a thousand bits to replant each syrup tree? That's ridiculous!" She looked back up at the chestnut pony. "No! Tell them to submit a more reasonable estimate!"

"Well they'll just write in the same figures," Ms. Coin shrugged nonchalantly.

"They can't!" Mayor Mare's face flushed slightly red, irked at being played for a fool.

"Put it this way, Mayor: do you know what the effect TNT has on mountain slopes, compared with C-4 explosive?"

"Ms. Coin, I failed chemistry," the tan mare pointed out.

"Do you know how much feed is required to sustain an Equestrian Tapir over the course of three months?"

"I failed biology as well."

"Me neither," responded Ms. Coin, making a mental note to look up the aforementioned facts. "And I bet nopony else knows either for the moment. So, basically, you don't know if the cost estimates were really padded. They could be giving you the lowest possible price."

"Somepony in Ponyville must know," the Mayor huffed.

"Sure. The people who made the cost estimates," Bit Coin retorted.

"Well, we still have to do it," the tan mare pressed onwards. "This is about our cultural heritage."

The chestnut pony was unimpressed. "So you're going to have us go into irreversible debt, and also basically destroy Whitetail National Park, all because you want to preserve our cultural heritage. I will remind you that few tourists come for this event."

Mayor Mare raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to disobey my orders, Ms. Coin- ?"

"No, no, Ma'am," the chestnut pony assuaged her boss' fears. "I'm just telling you what your voters are going to say."

"But the 'Running of the Leaves' is a Ponyville tradition- " the tan pony appealed.

"Ma'am, sure the competition is a Ponyville tradition, and let me tell you this: I'll be the first to jump onto the streets - should I be allowed, of course - and protest if it ever disappeared from our annual calendar. But voters, in general, really don't know the value of something until it's gone. I guarantee you, right now, that all this talk about 'culture' and 'tradition' won't mean a darn thing if it means higher taxes, debt and a ruined National Park. The latter stuff they can see; the former stuff they can't. That's the point I'm making, and that's the point Lyra will be making."

"Well... " Bit Coin sure made some sense today. "If nothing else, I don't want to be the pony who destroyed the competition!" Mayor Mare retreated to her last justification.

"Well I guess you could always... erm... privatize," Bit Coin hinted.

"Priva- wait, privatize?" the tan mare's eyes narrowed. "Have you been talking to Mr. Ribbon, by any chance?"

"What, me?" the chestnut pony drew back in pretend horror. "I haven't seen Mr. Ribbon over the past few days!"

This trick again. Mayor Mare let out a bitter laugh. "I mean, have you been contacting Mr. Ribbon, by any chance."

"I have not talked to Mr. Ribbon over the past few days," Bit Coin stuck to her guns.

The tan mare stared, narrow-eyed, at her subordinate for a few seconds. "Oh well," she withdrew. "Your points are still valid. I guess voters won't appreciate whichever way this goes. Call Mr. Ribbon in, please. "

*

The Gentlecolt's Club, Canterlot

"How was your meeting with the Princess Celestia then, Little One?" Crimson Ribbon teased his university pal.

The head of Chase Manehattan Bank, One Percent POSM GSS OB HP poured out a glass of cognac. "Never been better. She agreed to let us lower interest rates by 2%. Stimulate borrowing, you know, all that."

"Good, good!" Crimson Ribbon enthused, slowly stirring the spirit in his hands. "Cheers!"

Both ponies clinked their glasses together, slowly savoring the alcohol.

"Ahh... " One Percent finished his drink first. "Just like old days, my friend! The boating, the fraternities, the nights out - those were the times!"

"Indeed, those were the times... " the bureaucrat reminisced. "Oh, before I forget, I have managed to... persuade the Mayor to sell you the rights to the 'Running of the Leaves'. It's a moderate sum, but doubtlessly you will think that it was worth it."

"Aha! Oh, Crimmy, you never fail me!" the banker pony clapped his hooves in delight. "Now, do you mind if we call it the 'Ponyville Chase Manehattan Running of the Leaves Competition'? I daresay that would add a tinge of pizzazz to the event!"

"You buy it, you name it, I guess," the gray stallion shrugged.

"Ah, Crimmy old chap, you are definitely going to be CM's newest board member when you finally leave that place!" One Percent patted his best mate's shoulder.

"I should tell you beforehand that taking it will require you to shoulder the... many obligations involved," Crimson Ribbon warned.

The banker waved those concerns away. "Of course it's going to require some capital input at first, Crimmy. But it'll be worth it, just to see Chase Manehattan expand into this untapped market!"

The bureaucrat smiled. "Well, do you think this calls for another round, Little One?"

Author's Note

Abbreviations:
Scale: Rockslide Danger Scale. 4 is "High Risk" [From the US Avalanche Scale].
GSS: Gold Solar Star (Honors)
OB: Most Noble Order of the Bridle (Honors)
HP: Honored Pony (Honors)

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Marathon sponsorships by corporations such as Bank of America (Chicago). 2) Mayor Mare's fears were inspired by the fate of US baseball/football teams (LA Dodgers, Cleveland Browns) who were simply moved to different cities at their owner's whim. 3) Syrup tapping was taken from maple syrup tapping in the real world, although in the latter maple syrup is only tapped in the spring, if I read the internet correctly.]

S2E5: Sisterhooves Social

Season 2 Episode 5 – Sisterhooves Social

Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville

“Hoo-ee!” Applejack dragged her aching body up the dirt track to the Acres. It had been a long and hard day: dismantling the various Sisterhooves-related structures was no mean feat. But still, it was all worth it: especially this time, what with Rarity and her-

“Hey, Miss.”

The orange pony spun around, surprised to have a visitor at this time of day. “Oh, howdy there,” she greeted the rather hip stallion in front of her. “Need help?”

“Are you Ms. Applejack?” The newcomer was polite enough.

“Yes sir. Anything I can do?”

The youngster – which must have been about her age – fidgeted uneasily. “I was wondering when you were going to hold the Brotherhooves Social- ”

“Whoa there, Nelly!” Applejack interrupted, slightly perplexed. “A Brotherhooves Social? What the hay are you talking about?”

A polite cough. “Well, since you held a Sisterhooves Social, it’s only right that you hold a Brotherhooves Social as well.”

The country pony’s smile faded a little. “I appreciate the idea, but we ain’t got the coin to do that.”

The stallion’s eyes narrowed. “Ms. Applejack,” he pressed his case. “Your actions are contributing to the continued suppression of stallions in Equestria. This is clearly unjust.”

“Ain’t nopony gonna oppose a Brotherhooves Social,” Applejack insisted, giving the stallion plenty of time to extricate himself. “But somepony else is gon’ do it. We got work on this here farm.”

“So you’re not going to do it.” the stallion replied, a twinge of threat slowly bubbling to the surface.

“No.” With a thrust of her forelegs, Applejack shunted the stallion to one side. "Catch you later."

*

Ponyville Park, Ponyville

Bathed in the rays of Luna’s Moon, a few stallions made their way across the silent expanse, casting furtive looks around them.

“No guards?”

“Can’t see any. This town’s pretty cool about security.”

“All the better for us. Colt Power.”

“Colt Power indeed,” the lead whispered as he observed the lay of the land. “Alright team, we’re at a crossroads. Plan A, or Plan B?”

Another stallion eyeballed the distant weathervane of Sweet Apple Acres. “Plan A was further than we thought. Not going to get much impact there.”

“Understood. Plan B?”

The stallion tiptoed up to the apex of the bridge and scrutinized the buildings in front of him. “Where did you want Plan B to take place again?”

“’Market Square’, as labelled on this map.”

The observer gazed some more. “Well, I can see us gaining traction on Plan B. I greenlight Plan B.”

“Alright.” The lead whipped out his radio. “We’re going Plan B; repeat, going Plan B. Meet you all at the Ponyville Market Square.”

*

Market Square, Ponyville

“Colts say no! Colts say no!”

Ponyville awoke to a busy Market Square, but for a vastly different reason than normal. A group of around fifty colts had occupied the cobblestoned plaza and were sitting defiantly in it, barring any access to the market stalls erected within.

Surrounding the unannounced and unexpected sit-in was a growing group of sullen Ponyville citizens. With Market Square taken over by the protestors, normal economic activity had ground to a halt. Few vendors appreciated this unplanned holiday. The building frustration in the air was palpable.

Mayor Mare and Twilight Sparkle barged through the layers of ponies to the edge of the protest zone. “Came as fast as we could,” the bespectacled earth pony greeted the already-present Crimson Ribbon. “What’s the matter?”

“Ma’am,” Crimson Ribbon handed the tan pony her daily agenda, as Twilight Sparkle wandered off to interview the defiant protestors.

The Agenda:

1. Dealing with the Market Square sit-in. [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

“Allow me to elaborate,” the gray stallion informed. “The protestors here call themselves the ‘Suffracolts’. They proclaim to be concerned about the gender discrimination in Ponyville; and as such, they are demanding that the Apples hold a ‘Brotherhooves Social’, equal in size and stature to its female equivalent.”

“Oh?” the Mayor raised an eyebrow. “But mares outnumber stallions here by some amount… ”

The Secretary of State shrugged. “You try explaining it to them, Ma’am.”

The tan pony decided to ignore her subordinate’s challenge. “Well, in any case,” she thought aloud, “I’m sure we have enough to fund a Brotherhooves- ”

“Ahem,” Crimson Ribbon clarified. “They want the Apples to hold and fund the Brotherhooves Social.”

Now Mayor Mare became suspicious. “That’s an awfully specific demand.”

“Indeed, Mayor. One wonders what the real object of these protestors are,” the gray stallion mused.

“Hey, hey, Mayor Mare! We want races, over there!”

“Have you asked Ms. Applejack about what happened?” Mayor Mare surveyed the scene, praying and hoping for some exploitable chink in the political dilemma she was faced with. “What she did to merit this revenge?”

“Well… “ The bureaucrat hadn’t felt the need to-

“Ma’am! Mayor!” Applejack jumped out of the congregation and skidded to a breathless halt in front of the Mayor. “You’ve got to help us, Mayor; you’ve got to!”

“Ms. Applejack- “ the Mayor, somewhat concerned, began.

“It’s those Suffracolts, I tell you!” the farm pony pointed an accusing hoof at the protesting crowd. “They want to bankrupt us Apples for not cavin’ in to their demands!”

“Now now, Ms. Applejack,” the bespectacled mare cautioned. “That’s exaggeration- ”

“Well,” Twilight butted into the conversation, having just returned. “I’m quite sure the stallions aren’t from Ponyville. Most of them didn’t even seem to know where Sweet Apple Acres was, for Celestia’s sake!”

“You see?” the orange mare pleaded. “Come on, Mayor; I did so much for you last election…!”

“You did?” the lavender pony asked incredulously. Applejack had forgotten that her magical friend wasn’t privy to such state secrets.

“Never you mind,” the country pony responded hastily, sensing a stern lecture of sorts heading her way. “Anyway, Mayor, you’ve got to help us! We didn’t budget for another Social!”

Mayor Mare, being chronically short of allies, was not in any mood to throw a loyal partner under the carriage. “Don’t you worry, Ms. Applejack,” she reassured, patting the country pony on the back. “We’ll get you out of this mess. I promise.”

“I’m sure LegCo will co-operate,” the purple pony chipped in.

*

The Legislative Council Antechamber, Ponyville

“Councilor! Mr. Buster!” Twilight Sparkle galloped towards the silver-maned stallion. “Please, can I just have a word with you?”

The white stallion, to his credit, at least put up the pretense of being polite. “Ah – Councilor Sparkle. So what does Mayor Mare’s little star want from the Equestrian Party?”

The magical pony brushed the condescension aside. “Councilor, I just want to talk to you about the Brotherhooves Social issue- ”

“Ah.” Not that the white stallion had expected anything else. “I see. Of course, Ms. Applejack’s a hero of Equestria; so really, Her Highness is where you should be appealing to… ”

“Please, Councilor,” Ms. Sparkle put on her saddest pout. “You know the Princess can’t intervene- ”

“So you want us mortals to be the fall ponies instead,” Filly Buster finished the unicorn’s sentence.

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Oh, no no no!” she quickly asserted. “This is good for you, Councilor!”

Filly Buster rolled his eyes. He didn’t much fancy being accused of disrespect to Ponyville’s savior. “Convince me, Ms. Sparkle.”

“Well, Councilor,” the lavender unicorn cleared her throat. “If you help Sweet Apple Acres in this, you can bet that Applejack will go to Cloudsdale and back just to repay the favor!”

“Mm-hmm,” Filly Buster murmured, awaiting further reasons.

Beads of sweat were forming on Twilight’s brow as she sped up her persuasion. “Also, if you support Mayor Mare, that would clearly show that you have Ponyville’s best interests at heart, because- “

“Councilor Sparkle,” the white stallion replied smoothly, “I already clearly have Ponyville’s best interests at heart.”

“Oh, u-uh, of c-course you do!” the magical pony gave in to a few nervous twitches. “B-but anyway, supporting Mayor Mare will still help you because it will show that you are a strong leader, who can stand steadfast against unreasonable pressure groups!”

Filly Buster sighed. Lyra was right: Twilight Sparkle was still very much an amateur at this business. “Councilor Sparkle?”

“Yes, Mr. Buster?” The magical pony leant forward eagerly, hoping against hope that-

“Firstly, call me Councilor Buster,” the stallion began, keen to establish his prestige vis-à-vis this political newcomer. “Secondly, you do realize why we want – nay, need – to satisfy the Suffracolts’ demands, right?”

The disappointed mare drew back. “W-why?”

“You see, of course I know that giving into the Suffracolts’ demands will only invite future hostage attempts. I even know that the Suffracolts aren’t Ponyvillians,” he added.

Mayor Mare’s protégé grabbed at this straw for what it was worth. “Yes, yes that’s true, Councilor! They don’t know how- ”

The silver-maned stallion held up a hoof. “I know that, Ms. Sparkle. But I don’t care. All that matters now is this: there is a whole crowd of angry market ponies that can’t sell or buy anything in Market Square. Those ponies are who we’re going to have to face come re-election. I know it’s unfair… but if I need to sacrifice the Apples to make them happy: well, I’d do that trade.”

Twilight almost couldn’t believe her ears. “B-but- ”

“No buts, Ms. Sparkle,” Filly Buster swept past the dejected pony and into the LegCo Chamber.

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

Twilight Sparkle silently parted the double doors and slunk into the room, her head lowered, her tail drooping between her hind legs.

Mayor Mare and Security Chief Delta Force looked up at the incomer. “Ah, Ms. Sparkle!” the bespectacled mare waved at her cheerfully. “Why the- ”

“I failed. Again,” the bookish mare muttered mirthlessly. “LegCo’s going to force Applejack to- ”

“No worries, no worries!” No sadness could overcome the tan pony at this point. “We have a solution; one that could save the Apples!”

The magical pony’s ears pricked up at the news. “Really?”

“Yes, yes; come over, come over!” the gray-maned pony gestured. “Captain Force, why don’t you give a brief run-down of your plan.”

“Gladly, Ma’am.” The red stallion paused for a while. “Councilor Sparkle might object to such a shady method- ”

“Oh, no no, that’s fine,” a rejuvenated unicorn marched determinedly up to the large table, remembering full well Filly Buster’s wisdom. “Just lay it on me.”

Her eyes turned towards the detailed map of Ponyville Market Square.

*

Market Square, Ponyville

The pangs of guilt had seeped away from Night Watch during the wee morning hours. Now they had lessened to the point that he could rationalize his actions with some conviction.

The Ponyville Government can’t be held hostage by any pressure group. We can’t bend over to satisfy every protest group.

These protestors knew what they were getting into when they came here. No amount of violence – reasonable violence – is unjustified.

Think of all the vendors: their families, their kids, their parents – all of them thrown out of work because of these stallions.

Just as well that these protestors were not Ponyvillians. The muscular pony doubted that he could look any of them in the eye after today.

“Right, colts!” the protest organizer announced. “Last night, we got a couple of new additions to our little sit-in here! We won’t ask them to reveal names, obviously – but let’s teach them how to do the chant! Colt Power!”

“Colt Power!” the rest of the group chanted happily.

“So what’s our chant today, lads?”

A hoof raised up in the air. “I’ve got one! How about this: ‘Colt Power is the way to go; Come sit down and join the flow!’…”

Several more suggestions popped up, some actually being rather poetic. It didn’t matter. Night Watch’s mind wasn’t in it. All he could concentrate on were the row of policemen several yards away. They had been beat cops the first few days; now he could see Celestia’s Sun glinting off their riot shields.

He chuckled to himself. Of course they would come heavily armed today.

“…all we want is equal treatment between fillies and colts! Is that right, Suffracolts!”

“Yes! Yes! Yes!”

The mesmerizing chanting continued as Night Watch shook his head and focused back on the task at hand.

The Ponyville Government can’t be held hostage.
.

These protestors knew what they were getting into.

Think of all the ponies.

Beep. A slight vibration from the pager on Night Watch’s foreleg. H-Hour was at hoof.

Night Watch remembered his instructions. “Remember your task, Sergeant Watch,” Delta Force said grimly. “Give us the reason to clear out Market Square.”

The instigator took a deep breath, picked up a nearby soda can, and hurled it at the policeponies.

Author's Note

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Sit-in strikes conducted by radical organizations. The Suffracolts are a mixture of PETA, Greenpeace, and the Suffragettes. 2) Last-minute lobbying of councilors - in Hong Kong, junior government officials will actually wait outside washrooms to 'catch' them before crucial votes. 3) The widely alleged use of 'instigators' to provoke riot police into action.]

(Thanks to Talon and Thorn for correcting a really embarrassing Freudian typo.)

S2E19: Putting Your Hoof Down

Season 2 Episode 19 – Putting Your Hoof Down

The Gentlecolt’s Club, Canterlot

The Agenda:

1. Meeting with the Princess. [ ]

2. Win Election! [ ]

3. LONG TERM: Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]

GALLOP POLL: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 35%/BUSTER (EQA) 30%/MARE (IND) 2% (±4%)

“Not now, Jeeves,” Dr. Filthy Rich GSS OB HP dismissed with one imperious hoof, while tossing away the useless scrap of paper with his other.

The maître d’ respectfully acceded, deftly slipping yet another bottle of Dom Perigmane onto the side table before his departing bow. The door shut with a delicate clink.

The business magnate chewed pensively on his cigar.

“Continue, you two,” he commanded.

Lyra Heartstrings and Filly Buster quickly obeyed. “Right, Councilor Buster. Sixth Ward. M- “

“Mine,” the silver-maned stallion interrupted, a devious smile on his crooked face.

A harsh glare from the unicorn. “Berry Punch has been campaigning there for weeks now,” Lyra reminded her co-legislator. “My party should own that seat.”

“But that would give you a veto-proof majority in LegCo,” Filly Buster observed.

The mare wasn’t about to back down. “I deserve a supermajority, Councilor. I’ve been the one who’s been hammering at the Mayor all this time. You’ve just- “

“Enough,” the industrial baron ruled from across the smoke-filled room. “It will do my business no good to have either party gain a majority. Sixth Ward to Filly.”

If the lime-green pony was feeling any sort of displeasure at the ruling – and she was hopping mad – she hid it well.

“Anyway. Thank you for the agenda, Lyra,” Filthy tried to assuage the unicorn’s hurt. “Celestia on the agenda today, as expected. Mayor is truly on the ropes. Time to cash in and start changing things.”

“Finally!” Councilor Buster thrust an excited hoof into the air. “We’ll soon be rid of this awful tyrant forever!”

“Indeed.” Lyra nodded, regarding the aged stallion next to her with a suspicious eye. “I’m confident we have her cornered. A few more nudges – few more days – and she'll be gone for good. At the very least, she won’t survive the impeachment charges.”

Another ring of smoke from Filthy’s Coltiba 978 Edicion. “The impeachment is to be a last resort – only to be used should the Mayor resist. We still have Bit’s excellent plan. I trust she has carried it out.”

Lyra nodded. “Yes, Dr. Rich. Ms. Coin has been more than helpful to us. She truly deserves to stay as Finance Secretary for our new administration- “

“Denied, Lyra. Filly gets Finance- “ the unicorn gritted her teeth in barely-concealed outrage – “and you will not tell Bit Coin of that. Understood?”

The mare quickly regained control of her indignation. “Understood, Dr. Rich.”

“Good, good!” Filthy Rich chuckled. “Let’s take a break for our favorite radio show. It is time to reap the fruits of our labor.”

“Oh, marvelous!” Filly Buster gushed like the irredeemable sycophant that he was. “Simply unbelievable, your genius, Mr. Rich- !”

The brown earth pony narrowed his eyes at this perceived insult. “Doctor Rich.”

Almost comically, the silver stallion stalled and shrunk back in groveling fear. “Oh, no- oh, how could I forget!” he howled in unspeakable agony. “Oh, Doctor Rich, please forgive me, please forgive me!”

He was lucky that Filthy was in a happy mood today. “Don’t do it again,” the rich pony warned. “Now sit.”

Lyra went over to a nearby radio, taking some secret pleasure in seeing the arrogant legislator whipped into place. A few clicks on the radio, a few magically changed wires. Mechanical skill was required for this radio station.

A brief crackle over the airwaves. A rather interesting program playing on this station: no music, no news, no ads. Just the sound of some hoofsteps, sound muffled by the carpet the originator was walking on.

The trio in the smoke-filled room leant in closer, fiendishly anticipating every moment.

Three knocks on the door. “Come in!” a schoolteacher’s voice called out. The jangle of fumbling keys. The door unlocking-

*

Room 1023, Mareiot Hotel, Canterlot

and Cheerilee trotted up to Mayor Mare, hauling her saddlebags over onto the desk. “Well?”

The tan pony gave her answer by flopping unhappily onto the bed. “Nope. Her Highness was ‘busy’.”

“I thought the Princess placed your visits amongst her highest priorities?”

“That’s why I know she’s lying,” the Mayor muttered, curling up into a depressed ball.

The cherry pony could only look on dumbly, not quite sure what to think of this. Mom’s last hope had fallen through; that was for sure. But would that mean…?

The bespectacled mare sighed. “I don’t know, Cheerilee.”

The schoolteacher’s eyes widened: oh by Celestia, it DOES mean-

“All this business… all this trouble… maybe it’s really time to...”

Cheerilee gulped in sync with the Mayor.

“…t-to… quit.”

A blank.

Cheerilee thought she would have swooned, screamed, at least gasped in response to the moment her Mom quit politics. But That Moment was now, and she felt strangely zen about the whole affair.

She gave the most basic comfort possible. “You did your best.”

“Yeah,” Mayor Mare replied emotionlessly.

Perhaps Mom needed a gentle nudge. "Perhaps it is time to retire."

“Perhaps.”

“And-“

Cheerilee stopped herself.

The schoolteacher and her mother didn’t see eye-to-eye on much: that was obvious. But all the same, the latter lived for the rarefied office she had spent so much time and energy gaining. Losing office – forced out by an angry electorate – that was precisely the sort of thing that would break the Mayor’s heart. Cheerilee could just imagine Mayor Mare's retirement: alone in the house, with only sepia memories to while away her idle days...

Maybe… maybe it was like those hoof-painting artworks the fillies made at school. The results were bad, for sure, but you still had to fake a smile and egg them on...

The schoolteacher stumbled towards the window, trying to make sense out of her garbled mind. She had always thought of herself as a civic-minded pony, putting community above all else; but now, perhaps...

Cheerilee looked back. "Mom."

The reply came back, struggling and weak. “What?”

Cheerilee went to the sprawled, dejected figure. "You don't want to retire, do you?"

A sniffle. "It's hopeless.".

The schoolteacher dabbled at the tan pony's face. "Don’t say that."

A few slight hiccups. "I just d-don't think I can win- "

"You can, Mom, you can,” the cherry pony soothed and lied. “This election isn't over yet, not by a long shot."

"But it's just not- "

“Believe in yourself, Mom,” Cheerilee exhorted. "It's all about the confidence. That's what I tell the fillies before they go on stage. You're a brilliant Mayor, Mom; you’re better than Lyra, better than Filly, better than any other pony who would dare think otherwise!"

The gray-maned mare shuddered with unspoken emotion.

"You can do this, Mom," Cheerilee encouraged. "You just need to try."

Mayor Mare looked up at her daughter. "You... you really think so?"

The schoolteacher nodded solemnly. "Just believe in yourself, Mom-“

Something suddenly clicked within her mind.

“Oh, I just remembered!” the cherry pony added. “If you need some help, Bit Coin was telling me about this motivational speaker that came to Ponyville: Iron Will, I think his name was. Says he’s really good."

"Iron Will?" Mayor Mare muttered, the name having a certain resonance. "Oh. The minotaur who made us build that maze within Ponyville Park. That was annoying."

The schoolteacher facehoofed. "Well, apparently he’s also really good at motivating ponies, Mom."

"Right." The tan pony sank back into contemplation as a slow guilt crept back behind Cheerilee. Was she really justified in doing this? The Mayor was going to lose anyway. Why prolong this needless pain-

"Do you really want me to do this, Cheerie?" the tan pony asked tentatively. "I mean, you know, they will try and- "

Cheerilee gently stroked the gray-maned mare’s back. “We’ll be fine.”

Mayor Mare returned with that rarest of compliments - a genuine smile. "Thank you so much, Cheerie."

*

Fight and be right.

Concede and be kneed.

Power, not cower.

Offence, not on-fence (alright, that was a poor one; even the minotaur admitted it himself).

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville.

Knock knock knock.

"Come in!" Mayor Mare yelled, trying – a bit too late - to restrain herself. She had learnt a lot from Iron Will - cost a fair bundle too, thank Celestia for government training grants! - but copying his speech was overdoing it. Innovate, don’t imitate!

A squeal from the other side of the door.

"Argh: come on, Fluttershy!" Lyra's annoyed voice accompanied. “Go in!”

The door clicked open and revealed the cyan pony and the quivering yellow pegasus. The bespectacled mare’s body tensed up, keenly anticipating battle. Be scared and be pared!

The tan pony looked squarely at Lyra Heartstrings, trying to smile but ending up as more of a sneer. She would need to work on that.

"Ah, Councilor Heartstrings! What’s the matter?"

"Fluttershy, Mayor," the opposition leader replied-matter of factly as she shunted the timid Ranger into the room. "She's here to resign."

The gray-maned mare raised an eyebrow. "I see. What for, Ranger Fluttershy?"

The timid pony shuddered in terror and blurted out some incomprehensible language. Iron Will’s magic sure wore off on her fast.

"Fluttershy's done a bad thing, Mayor, and she’s here to resign," Lyra translated.

"I didn't ask you, Lyra," Mayor Mare snapped. Put them in their place, or suffer egg on face!

The unicorn scowled. "Fine. So we'll stand here and wait for her to say something. Happy, Mayor?"

The Mayor smiled innocently. “As happy as Celestia at dawn, Councilor Heartstrings. After all, Fluttershy’s the one resigning here.”

Lyra Heartstrings pawed the floor impatiently, both irate and perplexed in equal measures by the Mayor’s volte-face.

Fluttershy eventually regained her composure. "I-it's true, M-mayor… I-I... I did something... bad."

"What thing, Ranger Fluttershy?"

The pegasus stared firmly at the ground. "I... I- "

"Battery, Mayor," Lyra informed her as she slid the resignation letter over the desk. "Intentional harm done to the bodies of other ponies, as you well know- "

"Yes, I know that." Mayor Mare glared at her political opponent. “Evidence?”

The lime-green mare smirked. "The police have all the evidence they need to prove Fluttershy's guilt. So we can quietly hush-hush this thing up, or we can drag this out into the open… another of your employees getting into trouble… "

The tan pony ignored the implicit threat as she read the letter. I, Fluttershy, hereby tender my resignation from the post of Chief Ranger of the Everfree Forest-

Wait. Why was she even reading this?

Think and you blink.

Lyra was now privy to another government scandal. Another hostage she could use to threaten the Mayor with. Could the Mayor trust Lyra – Lyra Heartstrings, so patently salivating at the seat so close to her – to keep her word?

"No."

The bespectacled mare looked up, renewed determination written all over her face.

Lyra took a second to recover, her furrows deepening. "N-no what?"

The tan pony rapped on her desk. "No means no, Lyra!"

Fluttershy's ears twitched.

"What do you mean, NO?!" Lyra suddenly yelled. "She’s resigning! You don't have any power over that!"

"Yes, I do!" Mayor Mare rebuked her, scrunching up the letter and throwing it out of the window. "Ranger Fluttershy, I refuse to accept your resignation: you will stay on your post until this election is over!"

"Ahh!" The pegasus shrank back in dread terror. "O-ok, Mayor! I'll do whatever you- "

"NO!" Lyra quickly stuffed her hoof into the timid Ranger’s mouth. "Mayor, you are going to accept this resignation!" She thumped her other hoof on the desk to emphasize her point. "You can’t refuse!"

"I've already said it once, Lyra!" The gray-maned mare pointed an accusatory hoof at her tormentor. "No means NO!"

A momentary denouement as both sides reorganized themselves.

Lyra glowered at her opponent and tried again. "You don't have a choice, Mayor," she explained slowly. "I've generously held off on your impeachment in the hope that you'd see reason. My patience is fast wearing thin, Mayor."

Mayor Mare snorted derisively and made no response.

"The dossier I have on you is huge, Mayor. Stuff both on you and on Cheerilee. Your family will be disgraced, Mayor; you'll be driven out of this town. Is that what you want, Mayor? Is that what you want?"

"You can try," the tan pony snarled in a way that only cornered beings can. "But as long as I'm in this room, I am Mayor of Ponyville and I will not allow you to fire my employees!"

The unicorn rolled her eyes. "Right. You sure know how to pick your battles. You are sacrificing everything for this- " she gestured to Fluttershy, " -this pony who has done everything wrong, no questions needed. You really think it's worth it?"

"It's worth it to spite you and your ambitions," Mayor Mare deadpanned.

A deadly gleam in the lime-green pony's eye. "Oh, but it's not just me, Mayor." The unicorn leant closer. "It's Filthy Rich too. He won't be happy you’re being so uncooperative. He's been looking to buy up the Everfree Forest- "

"W-WHAT?!" Fluttershy abruptly whimpered, only realizing what she had gotten into now.

Lyra shrugged. "Might as well tell you now," she said coolly. "He’s going to get it in any case. Your choice, Mayor. Sacrificing so much... for nothing. Nothing at all."

In a panic, the pegasus threw herself at the Mayor. "Oh, Mayor, please... you can't- you can't- oh!" Desperate tears formed in the corner of her eyes.

The Mayor ignored her pleas. "No means no, Lyra."

The unicorn snarled and stomped her hoof. "Fine," she menaced as she swept out into the room.

But just before she disappeared from view- "Oh, I should tell you, Mayor Mare: the Justice Department is going to charge Iron Will with incitement of hatred. How dare he mess with poor Fluttershy's mind!"

The bespectacled mare cursed under her breath. Darn it to Tartaros!

Lyra Heartstrings smiled in victory. "I sure hope he hasn't been spreading his nefarious ideas to anypony else, Mayor Mare."

Author's Note

GSS: Gold Solar Star
OB: Order of the Bridle
HP: Honored Pony

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Backroom distribution of electoral seats is a corruption offence, but that doesn't mean parties can't collude in secret. Certainly in Hong Kong, pro-Beijing parties do this all the time. 2) Rich people getting honorary doctorates as a symbol of status. 3) Wiretapping. 4) There are few reasons to reject a person's resignation, but political expediency is definitely among said few reasons. 5) It's easy to nail a politician for having some vague connection to somebody who did something bad in the past - Obama/Bill Ayers/Jeremiah Wright, for example. 6) 'Incitement to [Ethnic/Racial] Hatred' (e.g. promoting hatred against a group) is an offence in most Western countries now.]