The Equestrian Border

by SweatyFaggot

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Diamond Dogs, Spike, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 2270

A new threat arrives in Equestria! Will the elements be able to solve it?

Equestria has faced some difficult hardships; dragons, minotaurs, Discord, and even those pesky mosquitoes. What will happen when a new threat appears on the horizon, or more specifically, the border?

NOTICE: This takes place in an alternative universe before season 3, so Twilight is still a unicorn, and Discord is not around anymore. Also, this is satire.
Gore warning: There is no actual descriptions of gore, only implied or very minimal amounts. Nothing too graphic.

Published 2013-04-15 04:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-15 04:20:02 UTC

Arriba!

Warning: This story is satire, and probably horrible at that. If you might be offended, please, turn back now. I wrote this out of boredom and felt like writing a trollfic. So please, don't take this too seriously.

It was a bright sunny day in Equestria. The bird were chirping a happy tune, hardly any clouds in the sky, and the sun shined brightly. A perfect start of the day for a purple unicorn, or it would have been, had she not been up all night scheduling her monthly budget.

Twilight was about to go to bed when she heard knocking on her door. Sighing, she headed to the door and opened it up. Sitting there was a somewhat pudgy earth pony stallion, with greasy black mane & mustache, an odd looking hat, and a sweat-stained tank top that also had several food stains on it. He wore old brown saddlebags. He had a strange brown stick in his mouth that gave off smoke, and smelled terrible. Twilight flinched and fought hard not to gag on the stench (of both the strange stick and the pony himself), and decided to play nice until this stallion went on his way. Maybe he just wanted directions.

"O-oh... Hello, sir, how can I help you?," Twilight faked a smile, trying not to look nervous. The stallion licked some crumbs that had been burrowed in his mustache, failing to get them out.

"Hola, senor. I clean house?," The stallion asked in an odd accent, the likes of which Twilight had never heard before.

"Um... Sorry, but I already have an assistant for that. Speaking of which, SPIIIIKKKEEEEE!"

There was a rustling upstairs, and a short while later, a short purple dragon came walking down the stairs yawning. The dragon walked up next to Twilight, and looked at the strange stallion outside. "Who's this, Twilight?," Spike asked.

"Oh, um... What was your name?," She asked him.

"Oh, si. Mi nombre es Senor Cigarro. I clean house now?," He asked, holding up a strange bottle and a rag.

"... Like I said, sir, I already have Spike here to do th-"

"Oh yeah, you can clean the house! I hate doing the chores, and I want to visit Rarity anyway," Spike interrupted Twilight, walking out the door and heading for the boutique.

"W-... Well, it seems I have no choice. You can clean my house as I rest, Mister... Whatever your name was, hehe," Twilight said nervously. She walked back into the house and headed up the stairs, stopping once or twice to look at the stallion coming inside. She went to her bed, and fell asleep almost instantly.

This opportunity was golden for our friendly Cigarro. Nobody around but a heavy-sleeping unicorn, and that left him to his own devices. He quickly set to wiping his dirty cloth on the floor, pretending to be cleaning just in case the unicorn awoke. All the while, he was scanning the place. He checked every nook and cranny, taking any bits of valuables that could be hidden on him or in his saddlebags. Checking on the unicorn to see she was still asleep, his mission was accomplished, and he left in a hurry.

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Applejack sat atop of her makeshift stand, polishing her 12-gauge shotgun. Her hat was worn lower today, and she had a wheat stalk in her mouth. She was mumbling incoherently, but whatever it may have been, it didn't sound nice. The other 3 apple family members were setup on similar stands nearby, doing about the same thing. Big Mac just stared at the clouds, silently praying. Granny Smith was still putting together her anti-tank rifle, which was taking time because she kept forgetting where things were or how things should go. Applebloom had an elaborate sling-shot setup, from which she would launch homemade grenades. She was making grenades at the moment. A flash appeared on her, and she looked back to see a grenade on her flank. She grinned, and continued working.

Suddenly a triangle was beaten on, startling the apple family. "They're here!," they heard a farmhand shout.

"Well, i'll be. Wish'n we coulda prepared more fer this, but I guess we gotta go with what we got," Applejack said as she raised her shotgun. On the horizon, several dark figures could be seen running towards the farm. They moved a bit slow, considering they had to cross the stream that separated Equestria from Maneico.

"t'aint no way we're letting these illegals into our country. This here's what being a Conservative's all about," Granny said, having her rifle assembled and set in place. I guess adrenaline does that kind of thing to you.

"Eeyup," Big Mac said, holding up his twin custom-made Widowmakers. Unknown to most, Mac loved guns. He spent his spare time making this old beauties into anything more powerful than two rabbits tied up in a burlap sac on a Sunday morning where the... Er, wha-... Sorry, that metaphor was too long for someone in the apple family, so he lost concentration easily.

"FREEEDOOOMMMM!," Applebloom yelled out in a very deep and manly voice.

They were through with their patriotic speeches, and raised their weapons to attack

______________________________________

Pinkie was hopping around town that morning. The ground was shaking, because all those sweets and McDonald's had done a number on her waist... Well, more like everything, but whatever. Then she saw a strange new stallion in town. She slowly zipped up to him in slow motion, her fat billowing in the morning breeze. She stopped in front of his face, and smiled big at this handsome stallion.

Cigarro, who had gotten rid of his cigar, looked at the pink ball of blubber in front of him. It was the most... Gorgeous thing he had ever seen. He licked his mustache once more, again failing to clean out the crumbs. Time to be smoooooth.

"Hola, senorita," he said in the most flirtatious way he could manage, leaning on a nearby lamp post and wearing that look on his face; you know the one.

"Hi!," Pinkie exclaimed, jumping, "Ooh, are you new in town ohmygoshicantbelievetheresanawesomeandhandsomestallionintown!"

"... I clean house?," Cigarro asked, scratching his itchy and hairy chest.

"Oh, yes... You clean house," Pinkie answered with half-lidded eyes.

Dang Cigarro, you smooth, bro.

________________________________________

Cazador walked through the forest as she had been for last couple days. She looked a bit beat-up, her poncho town, and her hair more dirty than usual. This forest held many strange, and hostile creatures. This foreign and unfriendly terrain had been terrible for this young mare, but she had planned to use this route from the start. The others avoided it because of the dangers, but she took it because she knew the Equestrians would not suspect such a route, let alone one so hard to patrol anyway.

The trees were thinning out in front of her, and she saw the light getting brighter. She was nearing the edge of the forest, and would at last be where she had fought so hard to get to. She stepped out into the clearing, and the first thing she noticed was a small hut with several small critters around it.

Cazador sat on her haunches, searching through her saddlebags for her knife. Back in Maneico, she had a job that kept the peace between the ponies and the Chupacabras there. It mainly involved goats, and as herbivores, the ponies found it repulsive. In turn for the goat meat, they would get, "protection," if you catch my drift. She had rather enjoyed her job, as she would take the hides of the slain animals and sell them. It was how she was alive that day, so, why wouldn't it help her now?

She could not find her knife, and remembered that she had used it on that bear she had run into yesterday. She couldn't get it out, figuring that it was too far into the spine. Bears have very strong spines; whoever pulled that knife out would have been the new king of Trottingham.

She decided that she could just, "borrow," a knife from this hut, if it had one. She headed up to the door, and knocked on it. A yellow pegasus with a pink mane answered the door a short while later. She stood tall, wearing sunglasses, a Crocodile Dundee hat, and a Keystone beer in her hoof.

"What'dya want?," Fluttershy asked in an Australian accent.

"Hola. You have knife?," Cazador asked. Fluttershy glared at this stranger on her doorstep. She took a sip of her Keystone, before smiling.

"Fur hunter, eh?," Fluttershy asked, to which Cazador nodded.

"We could be partners, you and I. I keep these animals around so I can skin 'em when they least expect it. What'dya say? My name's Fluttershy, by the way," Fluttershy said, offering a hoof.

Cazador smiled, and shook her hoof, "Encantado de conocerte, Fluttershy! Me llamo Cazador."

"Come on in," said Fluttershy with a mischievous grin, "we'll get you cleaned up nice 'an good."

_____________________________

Rainbow Dash was napping on a cloud, which wasn't unusual. She had neglected her weather duties, because YOLO, bro. Meanwhile, there was a dark figure sneaking up under the cloud.

Pomf!

A smiling stallion's head popped up from the cloud next to Dash, startling her and making her scream.

"Arriba!," He exclaimed, a big dumb grin on his face as he fought the urge to laugh at the pegasus who was clutching her chest. Dash was one for pranks, yes; but this was a stranger, and the prank was on HER, of all ponies. You just crossed a line, Jose!

"Wha-... Who do ya think you are?!," She almost shouted, getting all up in his face.

"I'm Pony Gonzales! Arriba, arriba!," He exclaimed once more, taking off in a brown blur.

"HEY!," was all that escaped Dash's mouth before she took of after him. Nopony wakes The Dash; vengeance was in order.

_____________________________

Rarity set aside her tools, as she heard the bell above her door ring. She trotted into the front area of her shop, and she smiled wide as she saw the Maneicans panting in her boutique.

"Welcome to Carousel Boutique, were every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique," she said pleasantly, "I assume you've come here from some of your relatives?"

"Si, senorita," a stallion near the back of the group answered, "we hear this is place to come for work, ja?"

Rarity just smiled as she ushered the group into her basement with the other Maneicans that made her dresses. She could make dressed for sure, yes, but with such large orders? A lady does not work so hard.

______________________________

To Be Continued

The Aftermath

Cigarro went on to marry Pinkie, which made him a citizen. He returned the stolen property to Twilight, who was glad and as an offer of friendship to her friend's new husband, did not call authorities. The matter was forgotten. Cigarro worked at Sugarcube Corner with Pinkie for a short while, before he got in trouble when a cigar bit was found in a cupcake. He was fired, but became an entrepreneur with bringing the cigar to Equestria. Ponies didn't live as long now, but whatever, everyone was happy. They currently have 7 kids, a mansion, and a Hummer. He finally got those crumbs out, by the way.

Fluttershy and Cazador got together after Fluttershy had given her a bath and things had gone in the sensual direction. They currently work as fur traders/hunters, and as spokesponies for Keystone beer. They live happily together, raising animals only to skin them when they get old enough. Cazador also posed for a magazine, Canterlot Fashion, displaying her homeland's fashion. It got some decent reviews, and with their modelling backgrounds, they were both wealthy. They continued the country living though, because it was a simple life that kept them away from paparazzi.

Dash caught Gonzales because he couldn't do the Sonic Rainboom. They soon found that they were allot alike, and pulled pranks and raced aplenty. They eventually married, and both got into the Wonderbolts. They never had any kids, because once again, YOLO.

Rarity's sweatshop was found by Spike one day, and Rarity tried to convince him not to tattle. Fat chance, why wasn't he there that day? Because he was with Sweetie Belle, who actually liked him. He wrote a letter to the Princesses like noponies business. Spike, you manly little dragon, we all applaud you! The authorities stormed Rarity's boutique, and freed the Maneicans there. Rarity was jailed for a short while, but was released on parole and her business has to be checked for immigrants monthly. As for her captured Maneicans, Princess Luna worked out a deal between the Diamond Dogs, jewelers, and fashionistas everywhere in the world. They currently make 13 bits an hour working for the Diamond Dogs, who by law have to show respect for their workers. All is well that ends well.

The apple family was found guilty on account of several murders, numbering in the hundreds. They would go down in history as maniac radicals, the only ones to receive the death penalty in over 1373 years. They were all executed. The ranch was left for grabs and was taken over by Flim & Flam. They only stayed for a short while, before moving forward in their endeavors to get more money. The ranch was then bought by Fancypants, who made it into a big cathouse. He changed his name to Porky, and his wife Fleur works there.

I know where i'm going~!

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Fin