The Life of Twilight

by Just Horsing Around

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2091

Twilight's return to the quiet, peaceful village of Ponyville after her coronation doesn't exactly go to plan. After all, the villagers have a new Goddess walking amongst them - and blessed are they whose faith is pure and true. Right? Oh.

Twilight's return to the stewardship of the library in the quiet, peaceful village of Ponyville after her coronation doesn't exactly go to plan.

After all, the villagers have a new Goddess walking amongst them - and blessed are they whose faith is pure and true. Right? Right?

Oh.

Published 2013-04-15 19:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-15 19:10:02 UTC

Sparkle 25:17

=====// \=====

For once, she needed no alarm clock to wake her. The profound, massive stirring of the planet's ambient magic as Princess Celestia raised the sun was like a sudden roll of thunder to her heightened Alicorn senses. It really would take a while to get used to that sort of thing – not just the extra appendages, but the much more intimate relationship she now had with her own magic and the magic around her. Especially if I plan on sleeping in ever again.

Suppressing a yawn, she rolled herself out of bed. If I'm awake, I might as well get cracking. There must be lots of reshelving to do since I was away. Blinking sleepily, she smiled at the familiar, comforting surroundings of the Ponyville library. Canterlot was always nice, especially up at the castle when she visited the Princesses, but the last few days had been very overwhelming and it was just so good to get back to normality and regular, everyday life.

She stepped carefully around Spike, snoring gently in his basket, and headed out to the bathroom. The sound of her hoofsteps reminded her that she needed to get the shoe on her left front hoof seen to. It had been loose for a few days now, and it was getting to the point of flapping up and down when she walked. Clop clop clop cl-clop, clop clop clop cl-clop. She had seen Applejack about it the day before the crisis with the cutie marks which had ended with her sudden elevation, but Applejack had been tied up with other things on the farm. She had suggested that Big Macintosh take care of it for her, but she had only seen his tail as he headed out of the barn at a canter, the wagon rocking dangerously behind him. At least, I think that's what Applejack meant when she asked if I wanted to let Big Mac nail me? Oh, whatever.

She had washed her face and combed out her mane when she realised that it really did sound like rolling thunder outside. Funny, I'm sure Rainbow told me that there wasn't a storm planned for weeks? She shrugged and squeezed toothpaste onto her brush, “Spike? Spi-ike! Are you awake yet?”

“I guess I am now,” she heard him grumble.

“Can you have a look outside? I can hear something weird, but I can't put my hoof on what it is?”

“Yeah, yeah, all right,” the little dragon sulked. She heard him stumble over and pull open the patio doors to the balcony, which was immediately followed by a huge roar.

“The servant! The servant has come! Look! There he is! Oh, blessed be he who waits at Her right hoof!”

She choked on her brush and spat her foamy mouthful into the sink, What in Celestia's name is all that about?

Meanwhile, Spike was unimpressed, “That's 'Number One Assistant', thank you very much!”

She heard him slam the doors and run across the bedroom, “Uh, Twilight? We might have a problem – there must be the whole village out there, together with a bunch of ponies I haven't seen before. They're filling the whole square!”

Calmly, now, Twilight. You're a Princess now – Princesses don't panic. They are cool, collected, and show leadership and impeccable diplomacy. “Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for something,” she said weakly.

“'Popped by'?! 'Swarmed by', more like! There's a multitude out there!” Spike snorted.

“Well... um... go and ask them what they want,” Twilight said, desperately pretending to be brushing her mane.

Spike glared at her and stomped out. Again, his presence on the balcony was greeted with ecstatic acclaim, “Behold! Behold, he has returned as it was prophesied!”

“Oh, come on!” Spike yelled in disbelief, “Of course I returned – I only went back inside for a minute! Now, what in Celestia's name are you all doing here, making all this racket?”

“The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!” the crowd boomed.

“The who?”

“The Messiah! The blessed and chosen one! The Princess of Change and Mediation!”

“Spike, stall them!” Twilight hissed. No, there is a time for everything, and this is clearly a time for panic.

“Huh, there's no Messiah in here. There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away!”

The village echoed to deafening jeers as the little dragon got the raspberry from the crowd, who started chanting, “Twilight! Twilight! Twilight! Twilight!”

She heard the doors slam again, “Sorry, Twilight, I think you're on your own with this one. I'll go and start breakfast.”

“Spike, wait!” she exclaimed, but it was too late; she could hear his feet pattering down the stairs. Oh, I'll remember this, Spike! Now, calmly, Twilight. You can do this. It's only every single pony that you've ever met... err... crap.

She took a deep breath and walked quickly back through her bedroom to throw open the doors and step out on the little balcony before she could change her mind, “Um... good morning.”

The crowd went wild, screaming and chanting her name. Her wings flew open in shock, inciting them even further. Bunting hung from every vertical surface outside, and a huge heap of flowers, cards, and beribboned knick-knacks was piled up outside the library door. It was the banners strung across the road that got her attention, as she automatically started correcting the enthusiastic but errant spelling, grammar, and punctuation. An apostrophe, there? What in Equestria is Cheerilee teaching at school these days?

She pushed her lower jaw shut with her forehoof and realised that the crowd had started yet another chant, “Hail! Hail! The new Messiah! She walks among us! Hail! Hail! The new Messiah!”

“What? What the holy horse-hockey are you doing?!” she screamed in disbelief.

Her every word was greeted with another massive roar, and she looked up at a shower of rose petals to see a squadron of Pegasi hovering above her, eagerly shovelling the fragmented flowers out of baskets strapped to their backs. Her head darted around the crowd, recognising more and more ponies. Spike was right, it really was the entire village – there were the Cakes, and Lyra and Bon-Bon over there, even Ditzy was joining in enthusiastically. She could see her friends at the back, in various stages of amusement or horror, but any hope of salvation from that quarter died a quick and painless death.

“'Morning, Saviour!” Applejack shouted up at her, before collapsing on her side in laughter.

Which is something I won't be granting Applejack when I get my hooves on her!

“Stop this! Stop this immediately! This is ridiculous!”

“No!” the crowd roared back, deliriously happy at her every pronouncement.

“Oh, great mistress, Your ponies have walked many miles to be with You!” Colgate shouted up at her, “They are weary and have not eaten.”

“It's not my fault they haven't eaten!” Twilight replied defensively, before she could stop herself.

“There is no food in this desolate square!” Colgate shouted, shoving her way to the front and seemingly eager to become spokesmare, however unofficially, for the crowd.

“What in Equestria are you on about, Colgate? You live here! Most of you too lazy to cook get breakfast from Greasy Spoon's takeaway van over there anyway!”

By rights, the collective gasp from the crowd should have sucked all the air from the skies around Ponyville. “A miracle!” screamed Daisy, and suddenly the rest of the horde took up the cry, “A miracle! A miracle! Oh, blessed be, that we walk in the hoofsteps of the new Messiah!”

“She has made the village fruitful by Her words, where before there was barrenness!” Colgate exulted, dancing on her hind legs.

“No I haven't, it's there every single morning, for pony's sake!” Twilight wailed in despair.

Colgate's frantic gyrations sent her crashing into Mr. Cake, who gave her a dirty look, “Steady on, there!”

“Oh, shut it, Big Nose!” Colgate sneered.

“What do you mean, 'Big Nose'? I'm a pony, for crying out loud!” said Mr. Cake, bewildered.

“Don't you call my husband 'Big Nose'!” Mrs. Cake chimed in.

“Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?”

As the two mares squared up to each other, another voice shouted up from the back, “Show us another miracle, sugar cube!”

That's it, Applejack, You. Are. Dead. You are deader than papyrus scrolls as a modern publishing technique!

“Do not tempt Her, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the takeaway cart enough?! It is a gift from the Goddess!” Lily roared wildly. “Hail, Messiah!”

OK, Twilight, perhaps you can reason with them, “But I'm not a Messiah!”

“I say You are, Your Highness – and I should know, I've followed a few,” Lyra piped up.

“Hail, Messiah!” agreed the crowd vociferously.

Or perhaps not! “I'm not a Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not a Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly, I've lived with you ponies for years!”

“Of course you are! Do you not bear the horn, and also the sacred wings? Have you not ascended through your righteousness and purity to rule over us forever? You are a new Messiah, Your Highness, come to lead your chosen ponies to peace and prosperity!” Roseluck declared, shaking her hoof at the crowd and whipping them into new heights of cheering.

“'Peace and prosperity'?” Twilight hooted in disbelief, “Have you looked around this place recently? It's plenty peaceful and prosperous as it is, and I've had stuff-all to do with it! I'm not a Messiah, new, or yours, or anypony's!”

The crowd roared its disapproval – all except for Colgate and Mrs. Cake, who was by this point snorting and pawing the ground with a look of terrifying hatred on her face, “I'm warning you, sister, just once more and I'll take you to the frickin' cleaners!”

“Only a true Messiah denies Her divinity!”

That's it, Applejack! I will hunt you down! There is no hole in Equestria deep enough for you to hide in! She briefly contemplated whether a four-hoofed facehoof was possible with her new wings, but decided that they would probably take it as some sort of ritual salute. Why did I get up this morning? Why?

“What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right, then! All right! I am a Messiah!”

Predictable, the crowd went berserk, screaming and chanting, “She is! She is a Messiah!”

Twilight surveyed the heaving mass of joyous ponies, swaying in unison, some crying in ecstasy and delight, and the boiling pit of frustration and rage at their intractable stupidity in her chest burst forth in a deafening scream, “Stop it! Stop it! Just FUCK OFF!”

Silence descended, almost as profound as the roar of the crowd had been moments earlier. Twilight couldn't decide if it was shock at her inadvertently dropping the F-bomb, or the hitherto-unexpected Royal Canterlot Voice with which she had done so.

Slowly, Bon-Bon at the front of the mass raised a trembling hoof. “How shall we fuck off, oh Great One?”

This time, her howl of frustration was enough to shake the buildings and blow everypony's mane back from their idiotic faces. Unable to take any more, she launched herself over the edge of the balcony and glided over the top of the crowd. She did, however, have the temporary satisfaction of her loose shoe finally breaking loose and striking Colgate between the eyes. The pale-blue mare swayed drunkenly and collapsed into a heap, unconscious. Below her she could Mrs. Cake crying, “The shoe! The holy horseshoe! It's a sign! A sign from the heavens to smite the unbeliever!”

She wasn't too sure on using her wings, yet, so she only made it past the back rows before hitting the road and striking out at a full gallop towards the Everfree Forest. Behind her, the ground shook under the hooves of her pursuing wannabe-acolytes and as she ran, Twilight composed a letter in her mind;

Dear Princess Celestia,

Recently, I have been given to contemplating the accuracy of first impressions. And I have to say that my conclusions are beyond all possible doubt; first impressions can be entirely and utterly correct.

All the ponies in this town are crazy!

=====// F I N I S \=====

Author's Note

Oh dear. Yes, I really went there - I can't believe it hasn't been done before now, actually.

Written in an hour and a half to get the damn thing out of my head.