Seize the day, by the throat
-Courage Wolf, I dunno, seemed appropriate
Today was just as good as any other, until you know, it got boring. Everypony was working, I didn't feel like sneaking to the Canterlot gardens just to free discord and play pin the tail on the pony. I didn't feel like spontaneously bursting out of song either, all in all, the day so far had been crap. Although I should have just went to sleep or talked to Gummy or made Cranky's life more miserable, I decided to just sit around until I thought of something to do, or got attacked, or someone started screaming at me about a horde of stampeding cupcakes (which I would have gladly dealt with)
You see the thing some ponies don't understand about me is that I'm not just some 100% ray of sunshine 24/7, I have good days, bad days, and even crazy "Let's go save the world because Celestia can't get off her lazy flank to do anything" days.
I do enjoy being happy like most others, however, i am not just a constant flood of it, 5 years in this crappy town and I can
still keep this illusion up. Mostly I just act like this because apparently everypony is so damn depressed around here that if I stop being the crazy party pony that I love to (pretend to) be, everyone would kill themselves.
Now you might be wondering,"Well then if you aren't so sugar high crazy like we thought, then what was up with that weird monolouge start"
Well dumbass then you must not have heard of method acting, sometimes i try to think/act like the true Pinkie, just in case there's a certain party or something that comes out of nowhere and I'm in a funk, kinda like this, huh, how did that happen?
Oh well, back to the boredom as an excuse to ignore any rants I started earlier.
With nothing else to do this afternoon and sure as hell not wanting to get a start on work, I decided to do the thing Twilight told me to "never ever ever ever do under any circumstances" that i still do anyway.
I pulled out a shiny zipper made of ~~butter~~ shimmering gold, with an inscription of some dead language that nopony cares about. I set the zipper in mid air and as it stuck there, i grabbed a butcher knife that Mr. Cake planned to use to kill his children but instead pussied out entirely and i cut the air under the zipper. There was a vortex that looked "ripped" (see I can still be funny) from The Grim adventures of Billy goat and Mandopony, yea don't ask me how this works as I have no clue, and after a quick trot through it the portal closed with a loud ziiiiip.
The air around me smelled like smoke and bat guano, it made me feel like I could throw up at any moment, and I loved it. The light in the tunnel was blinding, and it was stating to make my eyes hurt, and for some reason make me speak Sponylish, yo no me gusta hablo espanol.
I was suddenly thrust through the rest of the tunnel (Cloudy would be rolling in her grave, wait that's not funny) and i was really dizzy as I emerged from the vortex. It looked like a big city, with people in fancy suits carrying briefcases, strange looking people with tye-dye shirts in the park, and when I looked at the street names, they wrote out as Haight Ashbury , I have been to earth plenty of times before, so the concept of sidewalks, street signs, etc. were not foreign to me. I wandered around this messed up jungle gym of a city, hiding from people in my spy suit trying to collect evidence. As a wise pony once said: get the fuck out there and tell me what's happening or I'll tan your hides and slit your throats, which for some reason people thought he was trying to say " Time spent in recon is never wasted" don't know why.
I was walking through this park full of people on anti depressants, they must be, they were in support circles, off work, having random sex, it just makes sense, and if there is one thing to note about Pinkamena Diane Pie, is that I like it when things make sense.
I was making my way to the other side of the park, when a high pitched voice called out to me
"No way, this stuff is so strong I'm seeing pretty pink party ponies"
I turned around to look at her, but instead I found a he. He had a bare green shirt, raggedy brown hair, red pants, and was eating a big ass submarine sandwich with his dog slowly sneaking bites of it.
"Oh, hey" I replied, "So, do you know anywhere I can go to have non-sexual fun?" I asked, seriously, the first time I just asked someone if they knew where fun was i ended up drunk off my ass, wearing stretch pants, and vomiting every few minutes, sometimes green, sometimes silverish, it most definitely was not fun.
"Sure pony, just try some of this" he replied, handing out a few purple pill shaped candies.
Well I hadn't had any sweets in the last ten minutes, so I said yes, I popped the candy in, and my whole world started to change. Up was yellow, backwards was orange, and I saw Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, and Sombra fighting to the death. This is normally the time ponies start to freak out, but during the whole fight I was wondering, "Where the hell is Gilda? Shouldn't that cunt be out there, dying like the rest of them?"
My questions were answered as I saw the griffon dueling The Great and Metapaused Trixie shooting some kinda spell at her, with Gilda dodging them like a total pussy instead of fighting her like a true griffon should, but I was really shocked when they all bloated up and exploded in a mosh pit of candy, streamers, pure sugar, and for some reason, poo.
Now I realized that eating what came out of the explosions probably wasn't a good idea, but I was thinking not to let this excess sugar go to waste. What followed was just about the worst thing i had tasted since baked bads, and I wasn't sure if I was tasting poop, or dirt. I decided to spit out all of the bad stuff onto the ground and bury it, never letting anypony else taste this vile sugar ever again. After I had finally hid all the pseudo-sugar (which isn't easy with hooves), I decided to walk around to see what else I could find, and to my surprise, a big size crowd was waiting for me, circling around and preventing any normal escape. I figured they hadn't seen a talking pony before, so I decided to humor their questions.
"Hey stupid pony, I bet you like to give 'Dashie' top all the time."
"All you ponies are just crazy, stupid, and everyone who watches you guys are super fags."
"Hey Pinky, how many drugs have you snorted today huh?!"
The hurtful questions I was being asked didn't compare to the really tall one, apparently their leader, he wasn't towering over them per se, but from my position he appeared to have the most power in the group. Where most of them wore tye-dye shirts and bead necklaces, he wore a pinstripe suit and silver chain. There was a sickly smelling cigar in his mouth, and his body language gave off a feeling of undeserved accomplishment, he clearly was the head of this group, although why they had decided to say such hurtful things was beyond me. Hopefully I would get some explanation from this guy, and they weren't just a bunch of pony hating pricks.
"They only want you in ponyville as a servant, they all laugh at your stupidity behind your back, they don't really like you, you're just the town fool, if they weren't so depressed all the time, they'd throw your sorry plot out in an instant!"
That was the straw that broke the pony's back, I may not be the most important pony in town, and they may need me, but I'll be damned if after all this time, I'm nothing more than a damn fool, I have more worth then that, and so with this in mind I did something wreckless and stupid (and a choice I would make again if I had the chance), I bucked their leader in the teeth as hard as I could. He was stumbled, his aviators dropping from his face as he fell on his back. I took this opportunity to run past the shocked haters before they started a frenzy. It wasn't long however, before they were right on my tail; chasing me and slowly gaining more inches of speed the more tired I became. Oh what I wouldn't do for the boundless energy I pretended to have. Somehow I managed to climb to the top of a nearby building, but a few more acrobatic ones started climbing right after me, I kicked a few down, but some 20 year old grabbed my hind leg and tried to pull me down! I was nearly at the top, my fore hooves gripping the edge of the roof, and I pulled every last reserve of energy to pull myself up, it felt like my fore hooves were pulling out of my sockets, but i finally made it, and kicked the human off the roof.
After that daring feat, I figured no others would try to attack me, and I was right, which is good because I was utterly exhausted. I looked around the roof for a form of transportation I could use to escape the roof and the attackers, but to no such luck. There were a few rusted out vent shaft exhausts, some pipework, a hang glider, some signs...
Wait, how the hell did I miss that? In the midst of my self IQ testing, I propped up the glider, ready to use. I had always gone through aviational technology, in case I need to talk with Rainbow or Fluttershy, and besides mutilating a random pegasus or griffon, taking their wings, and genetically engineering them to me, this was the best I could do. So I got into a good running position, readied myself for flight, popped some more candy to keep my attitude positive, and ran.
