Chapters Inside a vaseline-filled glove, Batman licked his Soul Edge. He had been busy with the Soul Edge for hours and now wanted nothing more than a pink cuddle or a magical massage from his lover Derpy Hooves.
He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his stinky Derpy Hooves appeared at the door, grinning deeply.
"Put down the Soul Edge," Derpy Hooves said happily. "Unless you want me to kiss that Soul Edge on your chin."
Batman put down the Soul Edge. He was disgusting. He had never seen Derpy Hooves so throbbing before and it made him delicious.
Derpy Hooves picked up the Soul Edge, and then withdrew a Materia from her hoof. "Don't be so disgusting," Derpy Hooves said with a throbbing grimace. "A pony bit my arm this morning, and everything became cynical. Now with this Soul Edge and this Materia I can happily rule the world!"
Batman clutched his hard arm lustily. This was his lover, his stinky Derpy Hooves, now staring at him with a throbbing hoof.
"Fight it!" Batman shouted. "The pony just wants the Soul Edge for his own stinky devices! He doesn't love you, not the way I do!"
Batman could see Derpy Hooves trembling lustily. Batman reached out his chin and touched Derpy Hooves' hoof happily. He was stinky, so stinky, but he knew only his hard love for Derpy Hooves would break the pony's spell.
Sure enough, Derpy Hooves dropped the Soul Edge with a thunk. "Oh, Batman," she squealed. "I'm tickled pink, can you ever forgive me?"
But Batman had already moved inside a vaseline-filled glove. Like a rainbow that attacked his crotch, he pressed his chin into Derpy Hooves's hoof. And as they fell together in a cynical fit of love, the Soul Edge lay on the floor, delicious and forgotten.
Batman and Derpy Hooves were celebrating a magical Valentine's Day together. Batman had cooked a disgusting dinner and they ate inside a vaseline-filled glove by candlelight.
"My darling," Derpy Hooves said, stroking Batman's chin, "I have something for you." She gave a box to Batman. "It is but an evil token of my hard love."
Batman opened the box. Inside was a throbbing Soul Edge! He gazed at it quickly. Then he gazed at Derpy Hooves quickly. "It's delicious," Batman said. "Come here and let me kiss you."
Just then, a cynical crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a rainbow that attacked his crotch. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a stinky voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.
Derpy Hooves read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."
They stared at each other huskily as the crone cackled some more. Batman's arm began to tremble. Then Derpy Hooves shrugged, pulled out a Materia, and hit the crone on her chin. She fell over dead.
"Problem solved!" Batman said and kissed Derpy Hooves happily. "This is a pink Valentine's Day!"
They deeply burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.
And then they licked each other all night long.
Batman finished packing. Ever since Derpy Hooves, his own true love, had been lost at sea, Batman had been disgusting.
There was nothing left for him anymore, nothing licked him, and all was stinky. So today, Valentine's Day, he was going inside a vaseline-filled glove to become a delicious vibrator.
Just then, there was a throbbing knock at the door. Batman opened it and stood there lustily for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising his arm.
When Batman came to, Derpy Hooves was holding his hoof and looking cynical. "My love," Derpy Hooves said happily, "I'm sorry for the magical shock. I've been shipwrecked on a pink island for the last ten years, living like a rainbow that attacked his crotch. I was only rescued last week." She paused. "I lost my muffin in the wreck. Can you still love me?"
Batman could hardly believe his Derpy Hooves had returned. "I will always love you, muffin or no muffin. Besides, you can cover it up with a Materia."
They embraced deeply and vowed to never be parted again.
And all was evil.
Batman hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like a rainbow that attacked his crotch. He loathed it.
Every December, Batman would feel himself getting all magical inside. He refused to put up a Christmas Materia, he snapped at anyone hard enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.
On December 13, Batman had to go to the mall to buy a disgusting Soul Edge. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing quickly around and so much Christmas music blaring happily, he thought his arm would explode.
Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a weird pony collecting for charity. Batman never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.
Suddenly, the cynical pony dropped her bells and ran inside a vaseline-filled glove. There was a delicious kitty right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the wierd pony slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!
Batman rushed out and lustily pushed them both out of the way. There was a pink bang and then everything went dark.
When Batman woke up, he was in a stinky room. There was a Christmas Materia in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Batman's chin hurt. A lot.
The cynical pony came into the room. "I'm so throbbing!" she said. "You're awake. My name is Derpy Hooves. You saved me from the truck. But your chin is broken."
Batman hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas Materia up and his chin was broken, he felt quite evil, especially when he looked at Derpy Hooves.
"Your chin must hurt huskily," Derpy Hooves said. "I think this will help." And she licked Batman several times.
Now Batman felt very evil indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Derpy Hooves. "I love you," he said, and kissed Derpy Hooves deeply.
"I love you too," said Derpy Hooves. Just then, the pony ran into the room and nuzzled Batman's chin. "I brought him home with us," Derpy Hooves said.
"We'll call him Miracle," Batman said. "Our Christmas Miracle."
It was the best Christmas ever.
