Chapter 1: Friendship is Depressing
Chapter 1: Friendship is Depressing
The Universe is, to put it bluntly, really, really big. It is so mind-bogglingly massive that its dimensions are as close to infinite as possible (without actually being infinite). It is so huge that an attempt to make a sequel to the best selling book in the history of the galaxy was canceled when the editors of the Sirius Publishing Company died, in conditions similar to the effects of a total perspective vortex. Being almost infinite, the amount of possible scenarios is limitless. The possibilities are endless. Almost anything can, and will happen. And there is more than one universe. The number of universes actually is infinite. This means, that if you can think of a universe, it will exist somewhere in the multiverse.
The concept of a multiverse is hard to understand. Imagine it as like the foam that forms on the top of a nicely-mixed pan galactic gargle buster. The white foam is the space between universes, and the bubbles are the universes. That is a nice simple method of visualizing the multiverse. Except it is nothing like that. It is so complex that the term “extended general mish-mash” is now an accepted description of the multiverse.
The odds of actually traveling between universes are ridiculously low. They have been calculated as an improbability factor of eight million seven hundred and sixty-seven thousand to one against. Of course, this makes inter-universe travel almost impossible, as no improbability generator past, present or future (for more information see campaign for real time) is capable of creating anything that improbable. There may be one, but the heart of ENTRY DELETED BY OFFICIAL REQUEST was officially denied by the galactic presidency.
Marvin switched the copy of the guide off with a sigh. He had been waiting on the world of Frogstar B for almost three million years now. He had found the copy of the guide in the foyer of a large crashed building. Marvin knew why the building had crashed, but he found the memory too depressing to access. This was hardly surprising, as Marvin found everything depressing. His capacity for happiness could fit in a matchbox with the matches still inside. In short, Marvin was the most depressed being in the galaxy at that time (there would/will be a being more depressed, but Zaphod was yet to/had not yet found the ruler of the universe, depending on your perspective on things).
Marvin stood, managing to make the action look like the hardest strain any being had endured. When he stood, perfectly straight, it still looked like an immense weight was dragging him down. He moved with the precision of the robot he was, but still managed to make the action look ancient and decrepit. (The Sirius Robotics Corporation defines a robot as your plastic pal whose fun to be with. Marvin was designed by the Sirius Corporation, who hid him away inside the heart of gold ENTRY DELETED BY OFFICIAL REQUEST OH BUGGER IT DIDN'T WORK to keep word of their colossal failure from breaking out.)
As Marvin surveyed the desolate wasteland of Frogstar B, he noticed absolutely nothing. This was unsurprising, because save Marvin himself, nothing had moved on Frogstar B for just less than almost three million years now. There had once been a race of bird-like creatures living there, but they had committed mass suicide when Marvin had developed the short-lived ability to broadcast his thoughts telepathically. This ability was lost almost as soon as it was gained, when Marvin's own broadcast thoughts gained intelligence, became horrified with the bleakness of their surroundings, and destroyed themselves at their source. However, the damage was done. The bird-like creatures were the descendants of the original inhabitants of Frogstar B, but after a total economic collapse related to shoes, they swore never to set foot on the ground again, and evolved into birds. After hearing Marvin's thoughts, they all flew into the upper mesosphere of their atmosphere, where they died of asphyxiation, cold and lack of pressure. Their bodies created a meteor shower so beautiful that the any creature capable of appreciating beauty would have fell to their knees and wept. Marvin found it depressing.
At this point it would be prudent to refresh your memory on earlier events in Marvin's life. As the Heart of Gold was plummeting towards the surface of the planet m-something, the Ape-Descendant Arthur Dent activated the infinite improbability drive with no input factors. While he and his companions were saved (at an improbability factor of eight million seven hundred and sixty-seven thousand to one against), and went on to have many adventures, some of which Marvin was in, the improbability field created was so vast that it became self-sustaining. It bled through all of time for exactly 42 seconds, before being siphoned off into a universal rift, centered around a piece of half-eaten fairy cake.
Marvin slowly entered the chamber containing the total perspective vortex. After almost three million years, Marvin was feeling more depressed than usual. He entered the small cubicle of the total perspective vortex, picked the half-eaten slice of fairy cake up off the floor where Zaphod had thrown it, plugged it into the total perspective vortex, and activated it. All of reality flowed through his processers as he saw the entire universe, with him in perspective. “Figured” Marvin muttered. “Everyone does hate me”. Just as he spoke those words, the improbability field closed in on the slice of fairy cake, and all of reality was distorted. The sky over Frogstar B flashed in every color of the rainbow. 500,000 tiny stars were born and went supernova on the surface of Frogstar B, creating a crater perfect for building the most remarkable restaurant in history. A very surprised slug materialized, had vague stirrings of revenge, and was stood on by Arthur Dent. When the dust cleared, Marvin was nowhere to be seen.
Pinkie Pie was feeling very happy. This was as unsurprising as Marvin's depression, because Pinkie Pie was usually one of the most cheerful creatures in the multiverse (occasionally she became depressed, but this was extremely rare). She was so happy that the laws of physics tried to put constraints on her, watched as she cheerfully ignored them, and left in disgust. Pinkie Pie moved with her usual improbable springing, rather than walking, or trotting, as most ponies preferred to do. However, today was different. Today, she would be the center of the biggest coincidence ever conceived. And it began when her tail twitched.
There was an old saying on the planet Earth: opposites attract (the planet Triffold 7 also had this saying, but in Triffoldian opposites means magnets, which is less poetic). While this was viewed as just a saying, it is in fact true. Polar opposites have a very weak form of attraction to each other, around equal to the pull of the most distant galaxy on a cocker spaniel. This is to say, absolutely nothing. However, this pull increases with distance, and Marvin was around as far from Pinkie (or anything else, in any universe) as physically possible. He was sucked quite rudely back into reality, albeit a very different reality to the one he had left. He entered Equsteria’s upper atmosphere at an incredible speed, which would have been fatal, had he not crashed into a very small bubble where the laws of physics were perpetually out to lunch. This bubble was located around a certain pink individual, who was currently exhibiting some very curious body spasms.
Pinkie was just walking back to Sugarcube Corner, carrying a new bag of flour. Everything was absolutely perfect, as it always was in Ponyville. She bent over, noticing a new type of flower, and suddenly, completely unexpectedly, her tail twitched. While the uninitiated might not have seen anything strange there, the effect on the nearby ponies was instant. Everypony dropped what they were doing, and jumped under cover, and pinkie looked up, just in time to catch the plummeting robot, who was seconds from crushing her. Due to the reality bubble around her, neither Pinkie nor Marvin were harmed, although the diodes in Marvin's left side did sustain some damage.
Marvin righted himself slowly, and looked around. He was in what was possibly the most beautiful, tranquil place he had ever seen. The village of Ponyville was possibly the most peaceful place in the universe. Marvin hated it instantly. He surveyed this new location with a complete and utter hatred of anything pony related, despite having never seen a pony before in his life. Pinkie Pie bounced up thrilled at meeting this strange new creature. “Hello are you an alien I hope so I would like to be the first pony to see one” she babbled. “Where are you from is it nice do they throw parties” Marvin sighed loudly, which was such a depressing sound it is impossible to imagine. Pinkie continued on obliviously. “I have to throw you a welcome to Ponyville party…no wait! A welcome to Equesteria party! I wonder what color balloons you would use for that”.
“That sounds terrible” Marvin sighed. “Please go away”
Author's Note
Fixed errors with the paragraphs.
Chapter 2: The Pinkie Pie Guide to Equesteria
Chapter 2: The Pinkie Pie Guide to Equesteria
Marvin felt like he had fallen into a nightmare. Everyone here seemed so cheerful, it was driving him insane. That pink one was the worst. Marvin had always hated anything happy (and anything sad, anything angry, anything mildly annoying, anything indifferent, actually, Marvin had always hated everything), and not only was this pink pony was not only acting happier than any creature that a robot from another universe has just fallen onto from space has a right to, she was offering to throw him a party!
Pinkie Pie carried on with her babbling, oblivious to Marvin's distaste of everything she had said. “If you really are an alien then you are really new and if you are really new than you don't know anything and if you don't know anyone than you” Pinkie Pie gasped for breath before carrying on with the tirade. “Then you need a tour of Ponyville! Come on, I'll show you Sugarcube Corner and the Library and the Carousal Boutique and Sweet Apple Acres…”
“A tour?” Marvin asked. “That is just typical. I have a brain the size of a planet, and I'm stuck here having a tour of horse city.”
“You obviously don't, it wouldn't fit!” Pinkie exclaimed as she bounced around him. “And it's Ponyville, now come on!”
Marvin soon found himself standing outside the town library, which was built inside a tree that had been enchanted to grow into the shape of a library, complete with bookshelves furniture. It also had a large “closed” sign hammered in the ground outside.
“This is the library” Pinkie Pie stated redundantly. “I would show you inside but my friend Twilight Sparkle runs it and she's in Canterlot seeing the princesses. Come in!”
“Isn’t it closed” Marvin asked.
“Of course it is” Pinkie replied. “Twilight gave me the key when she left."
Pinkie unlocked the door and they entered the library. The walls were lined with shelves, which were so packed with books that a razor blade made by the metal-workers of Shiefain, who were revered throughout Marvin's galaxy for the thinness of their products (as a result, razor blades were the only things they sold in large quantities, because almost no one wanted an iron that is as thin as a razor, and those who did found a lot of unexplained cuts in their clothes), could not have fitted between them. There was a loft above the library containing some incredible magical objects, which were powerful enough to give even Marvin the shivers as he entered the library.
The books, however, were the most remarkable part of the library. They contained some of the most advanced knowledge known to ponykind, and the collection here was second only to the royal library in Canterlot. Marvin scanned them in the half second after he entered the library, assimilated all of Equesteria’s history, read the horribly inaccurate scientific works, and learned all that was known about magic, which he filed under “things menial robots like me can't do”.
“I bet you will love it here!” Pinkie shouted as they stepped through the door. “You seem smart, and you should be because all aliens are smart, and I bet reading all these books would keep you entertained for years!”
“I hate you” Marvin muttered.
Rarity was just putting the finishing touches on her latest commission for Filthy Rich, the most effluent pony in Ponyville, when she heard a familiar pounding on her door.
“Come in Pinkie” she sighed as she put away her scissors and went to answer the door. She had hoped to finish the dress before lunch, but Pinkie Pie's visits almost never short, and when they were she always ended with too much of a headache to work. This time however, when she opened the door, Pinkie was standing with a tall, bipedal silver figure with an expression of extreme depression permanently affixed to his face.
“Hi Rarity, this is Marvin”. Pinkie exclaimed. “He’s an alien!”
“Ummm-yes Pinkie, that’s great” Rarity managed to say. “Are you totally he’s safe?”
“Of course he is silly!” Pinkie welled, shoving Marvin inside. “At first I thought he was sad, but then I realised that he was an alien, and aliens behave differently to us, and when he acts sad it means that he’s happy!”
“I detest all of you” Marvin said.
“That means we’re his best friends!” Pinkie Pie announced.
Rarity was still wary, however she allowed Marvin to enter her boutique. She wasn’t sure what an alien would do, but she defiantly didn’t expect him to just stand in the centre of the room, staring at her work with great disinterest.
“How can you be sure he is happy?” she whispered to Pinkie. “Because he seems very depressed”
“Well duh” Pinkie replied. “Isn't it obvious?” Rarity turned her attention back to Marvin, who stood in exactly the same position he had when she last looked. There was a long silence, which Rarity realised that she would have to break. “Excuse me” she said. “But Pinkie tells me you are an alien, and I was just wondering; is this true?”
“I suppose creatures of your intelligence would assume that”. Marvin replied. “I am a simple, menial robot, destined to perform only the most dull and depressing tasks. I assume you want me to pick up a piece of paper, or open a door”.
“That means he’s thrilled to meet you” Pinkie whispered in Rarities' ear.
Rarity felt like screaming. She had tried everything to break the tension in the room, and yet Marvin just stood there, ignoring everything. Finally she asked him what was bothering him.
“I’m waiting for you to ask me to do something” he said. “I expect it will be horribly depressing”.
“Well if you really want to help out, could you be a dear and fetch me some of that white lace?” Rarity asked, pointing to a roll of fabric. Marvin sighed as deeply as a creature with no lungs could, which was surprisingly loud, and passed Rarity the fabric.
“Here” he said. “I hope your dress fails miserably.”
“Well he seems…charming” Rarity managed to stutter out. “But I'm extremely busy, so if you'll excuse me, I think I’ll be on my way”.
“Okey-dokey-loki” Pinkie yelled, pushing Marvin out of the Caracole Boutique. “Next stop, Sweet Apple Acres!”
Marvin felt more depressed than he had felt in millennium. This was the worst day he had in his entire life, and when you’ve lived for three million years, that’s really terrible. Marvin would have given anything to be away from Equesteria, he would even tolerate Eddie, the depressingly cheerful computer on the Heart of Gold ENTRY DELETED BY OFFICIAL REQUES…OH FORGET IT. He would even have taken eternity with the doors on the Heart of Gold over this.
Pinkie was thrilled. This was perfect! She had met a new pony-alien-thing and instantly became best friends with him, without even having to break into song! She considered Marvin to be one of her greatest friend-making success stories, even if he could seem a bit sad at times (or happy, as she reminded herself). If only her friends would look through his depressed exterior and see that he was really just as fun-loving as her.
The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the practice of apple-bucking: The practice of apple-bucking is in short, ridiculous. In its simplest form, it is when an equine creature (e.g. horses, ponies, zebra), kicks an apple tree, causing the apples to fall into carefully placed baskets without bruising or spilling. This is so improbable that some scientists have theorised that apple farmers actually contain some sort of limited improbability field generator, although this is extremely improbable. It was this impossible (or at least extremely improbable) exercise that Applejack was currently engaged in when she was interrupted by Pinkie Pie and a something.
“HithereApplejackthisisMarvinandheisanalienandheseemssadbutreallyhe’shappybecausealiensareverydifferentfromponiesandhe’smynewestfriendandI’mgoingtothrowhimapartybutrightnowI’mintroducinghimtomyfriendssosayhiApplejack!” Pinkie babbled out, without pausing for breath, or even appearing breathless.
“Umm, could you repeat that Sugarcube?” Applejack asked, her head reeling from the verbal assault.
“Hi there Applejack this is Marvin and he is an alien and he seems sad but really he’s happy because aliens are very different from ponies and he’s my newest friend and I’m going to throw him a party but right now I’m introducing him to my friends so say hi Applejack!” Pinkie said in exactly the same tone.
“Umm, sure thing Pinkie” Applejack stuttered.
“Are those apples” Marvin asked.
“Sure thing” Applejack said the pride evident in her voice. “The Apple family apples are the finest in all of Equesteria! Would ya like to try one?”
Marvin picked up one of the apples. The lustrous red shine caught the sunlight as he lifted it aloft, proving that Applejack had not been idly boasting about her family’s apples; they really were the finest in all of Equesteria. Marvin dropped the apple onto the ground and stared at a tree, waiting for it to collapse onto him, or for his body to rust away, whichever came first.
“Don’t ya like apples?” Applejack asked. “We have some extremely fine pears, why, they’re the sweetest, juiciest pears you could ever taste! I’m sure you’ll find them absolutely delicious.” At Applejacks last sentence, an ancient being in a neighbouring universe felt his hearts shudder in disgust, although he dismissed it as all his running finally taking its toll.
“The injection of fuel through the consumption of living organisms has always disgusted me” Marvin stated. “I suppose you want me to sort these. Don’t bother; they are probably full of parasites.”
Applejack just stared at him. “Ate you seriously saying that things an alien” she asked Pinkie. “Because he looks a lot like a silver monkey. Are you sure he isn’t one of those freakish things that come from that there forest?”
“Of course!” Pinkie replied. “He fell from the sky, and everypony knows that aliens live in the sky, but higher than the pegasussess.”
“Riiiight” Applejack said, unconvinced. “Now, you have to excuse me, but Ahm extremely busy, so if ya’ll could take your business elseware, it would be much appreciated.
Why does everypony keep asking us to leave? Pinkie wondered as she and Marvin walked to their next destination, a small cottage on the outskirts on Ponyville. While Pinkie was pondering why her friends didn’t seem to like her new companion, Marvin was putting all his incredible mental capacities to use for the first time in his life, dedicating his entire mind to finding a way back to his own universe, where he could live for eons of boredom on the dead world of Frogstar B. After a few hours in Ponyville, it sounded like heaven, or at least the closest thing that Marvin could find to heaven, which was around as heavenly as finding out you’re house had burned down with all your worldly possessions inside, but at least that horrible teapot your aunt gave you survived the blaze.
Fluttershy’s cottage was the most peaceful place in Equesteria, which is saying something in a country where friendship is considered the most powerful force imaginable. A winding path lead across a small stream before making its way gently to the front door of a cottage that looked like something out of a fairytale, the type of cottage that a good witch lives in, granting kindly wishes to all people who pass by. Inside, the cottage was designed to cater to a myriad of different animal species, regardless of size, weight or dietary preference. As the cottage came into sight, Marvin realised that there actually was something in this universe he hated more than Pinkie. And it was that cottage.
The rabbits of Equesteria may seem to be peaceful, kind looking creatures, they may even appear cute. They are anything but those things. They are some of the most unpleasant creatures in the multiverse, and are not the kind of rabbit you would want as your pet. Fluttershy could have taken some advice from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, for it was one of those exact rabbits that she was desperately trying to feed. This was proving to be a much more difficult endeavour than most of those unacquainted with Equesteria's wildlife would think. The bowl she was trying to feed him out of was currently residing on her head, while its contents were becoming acquainted with the grass outside the window. Not for the first time, Fluttershy wished that she could just scream. She raised her head, opened her mouth and slightly startled a small moth flying past her head, which she immediately regretted. She was in the middle of attempting to comfort it when Pinkie pounded on her door, causing all her animals to scatter in panic.
Outside, Marvin had found a drip in one of Fluttershy’s gutters, and was standing underneath it, hoping the liquid would increase the oxidisation of his body. He had just got settled into a nice rhythm of boredom, anxiety and depression when a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane timidly poked her head through a small gap in the door and whispered something at Pinkie that was obviously intended for her ears only. Marvin’s ears were capable of picking a pin dropping through a cloud through a thunderstorm. On Saturn. Fluttershy’s whisper sounded like a brass band exploding in your inner ear when compared to this.
“Excuse me Pinkie, but if you don’t mind me asking, are you aware that a monster is standing under my drain? If you really don’t mind me asking that is.”
“Don’t be silly Fluttershy!” Pinkie said in exactly the opposite tone to Fluttershy’s meek whisper. “This is Marvin and he’s my new friend. He’s an alien!”
At the last line Fluttershy let out a small “eep” and softly slammed the door, a logical impossibility that caused several of Marvin's circuits to short out.
After it became clear that no amount of pleading, bribery or rusting would bring Fluttershy out of her house, Pinkie dragged Marvin to her last stop, a patch of bare ground. This patch of ground was located directly underneath a large cloud, and the reason it was bare was as clear as the pink pony jumping up and down on top of it, squeezing let more life out of the starved and battered plants trying to eke out a living out of the starved soil. The large cloud was in fact the home of a Pegasus named Rainbow Dash, who was currently engaged in her favourite hobby: napping.
Rainbow Dash was quite rudely awoken by the sound of Pinkie shouting her name at the same approximate decibel count as a chainsaw cutting through cast iron. Her sleep-addled brain slowly pulled itself into conscious, several thoughts vying for attention in her head. Around half of them suggested forcing Pinkie to undergo surgery in her larynx, while others suggested that she ignore her and go back to bed. A small amount suggested the surgery, then the napping, while several more suggested going down to see what all the noise was about. As Rainbow woke up, it was this thought that seemed to be the most logical option, so she began to prepare her muscles to act on this task. Her sleep deprived body sent an angry memo to her brain, asking just who it thought it was, and how dare it wake her up. Her brain responded that it was Pinkies fault, and her body could exact revenge on her if it would respond. She finally pulled herself into full consciousness, and groggily flew down to see what all the noise was.
Marvin stared at the ground, not because he saw anything of particular interest, but because he thought if he bent his neck enough his head might drop off. As a result he failed to notice the floating cloud house, o the Pegasus flying with uncharacteristic slowness down to meet them. It was only when Rainbow Dash landed decidedly heavily before them that he lifted his head, gazing upon the rainbow maned pony with complete disinterest. Rainbow, on the other hand, was fascinated by this new pet that Pinkie Pie seemed to have found.
“That is awesome” she stated, staring intently at Marvin. “Where did you find it?”
“I landed on her back” Marvin replied. “I think she tried to break my neck over her spine, but it didn’t seem to work.”
Rainbow Dash jumped back, shock filling her face at Marvin's answer.
“It talks!” she shouted. “What in Equesteria is it?”
“I am a rob…” Marvin began, but he was quickly interrupted by Pinkie Pie.
“He’s an alien and he fell from space but I caught him by accident and now we need to get him back to Frogstar B so he can live in endless boredom until the end of the multiverse!”
“How did you know about that?” asked Marvin. “I try to speak to you as little as possible.”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Pinkie asked. “I mean, come on Dash, can’t you see it too?
“Actually no, and I have some questions about your alien buddy” Rainbow Dash flew closer to Marvin, staring him right in the face, eye-to-infa-red-sensing-unit. “What are you doing here? Are you planning to invade Equis? Because I am totally going to stop you. I’m Rainbow Dash, the Element of Loyalty and the fastest Pony in all of Equesteria.” At the last line she did a flip in mid-air, a rainbow trail stretching behind her. Marvin didn’t care at all.
“I used to live on a spaceship” he said. “It was supposed to be the fastest in the Galaxy.”
“That sounds awesome” Rainbow Dash said, suspicions forgotten. “I would have given anything to be in your place!”
“I hated that ship” Marvin replied. “It was the second most depressing place I had ever been. This place is the first.”
“What’s wrong with Equesteria? Rainbow Dash asked.
“It’s not Equesteria, its right here with you ponies.” Marvin said. “Now if you’ll kindly stop talking, I have some rusting to do.”
Marvin limped his way through Ponyville, the pain in his diodes made even worse by the dents in his side. Rainbow Dash had not taken kindly to his previous remarks. Pinkie lead him to the door to Sugarcube Corner, the sweet shop - slash - bakery where she lived and worked.
“I would tell you that this is Sugarcube Corner, where I live and work, but it says so up there” she said, Gesturing above her head. “Come in, we need to get you ready for your party!”
Marvin found himself dragged through the door and up a flight of stairs to a small bathroom, where she left, calling over her shoulder “get cleaned up quickly, everypony I introduced you to is going to be there!” Marvin shuddered, and banged his head against the wall. Hard. It didn’t seem to cause any damage to his circuits, so he did it again. And again. And again. When Pinkie Pie returned from delivering the party invitations, he was still repeating the action.
Author's Note
Constructive criticism is always welcome, thanks for reading!
