Honesty in the White House

by JK Yearling

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1136

The 18 1/2 missing minutes of the Watergate tapes are pretty hilarious.

The 18 1/2 missing minutes of the Watergate tapes are pretty hilarious.

Published 2013-04-16 17:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-16 17:30:02 UTC

Chapter 1

  Applejack crunched on a thick, juicy green apple. You'd think she was sick of apples by now, but it was unseasonably hot and she was really tired and hungry. She accosted her friend, Twilight Sparkle,  who was her salvation from today's apple bucking. She was here to install a portal to the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner so they could make their delicious caramel apples. Now, with the portal, she could directly transport the apples there instead of having to haul them across town. The only problem was that conjuring portals was very challenging, even for such a powerful unicorn as Twilight.

  She tried and tried for the longest time to cut a hole in space as the non-magical Applejack looked on. "You doin' okay there, Twi?" she asked with her charming drawl. "Just need maybe another minute or two," Twilight breathed. "It gets a lot easier after the initial barrier break."

  "I can get you somethin' to drink if you want."

  "That'd be wonderful."

  Applejack walked toward the house to get a glass, but she didn't hear Twilight shouting at her to not walk behind the portal until she had connected it to the one in the kitchen, for the space-time vortex would suck her in and spit her out in some random universe. Unfortunately, she didn't hear a word of this and disappeared.

  The two men stared at the quivering yellow mass in bewilderment. "What the blazes...?"

  The thing lifted its head and screamed. "Humans! Humans ain't real!"

  The two men were obviously screaming on the inside, not believing that they were looking at a talking pony. "Where am I? Who are y'all? What's goin' on? Twilight!"

  "I'm President Richard Nixon. How on Earth did you materialize into the Oval Office?"

  "What? This ain't Earth! Earth is full of pegasuses and unicorns and princesses!"

  "I don't know what you're talking about, but this Earth is full humans and horses that DON'T TALK!"

  Applejack smiled, finally understanding. Something went awry with the portal spell, and she was taken to the place that little fillies hear about in bedtime stories: Americaland! It was a wondeful land where there was no magic, but all of the humans lived in peaceful equality, and it was a land where the citizens got to choose their princes and princesses. "I can't believe it! I'm in Americaland!" Applejack said. "Ooh! You must be the prince! My name's Applejack! Hi!"

  Nixon and the other were sure they were going insane. "Tell Rose Mary to erase this conversation," he said to him. "What are y'all talkin' about?" Applejack innocently inquired. Nixon was going to tell her that it was none of her business, but the other gave him a look that said, "You know what? Let's entertain this little hallucination."

  "Well, like I said," he told her, "I'm the president, and this is Mr. Haldeman. We were talking about something really bad that happened in our city recently."

  "Oh no! What was it? Changelings? Parasprites? Discord?"

  "Oh, there was definitely some chaos," said the one named Haldeman.  "You see, someone broke into an office building and stole some information."

  "Well, that's stupid!"

  Applejack suddenly felt very unsettled, for Nixon had gained a bizarre look on his face. Her ability to sense fluxes in honesty told her that he was hiding something really bad, and that it was connected to the robbery.

  "You were behind the robbery, weren't you?"

  Nixon sprang to his feet, looking like he was going to clobber her. "For the millionth time," he said, "I had NOTHING to do with Watergate!"

  Applejack grinned. "I didn't say nothin' 'bout no gate."

  Nixon came from behind the huge desk and peered at the sassy mare. "Now you listen; I don't know who you are, or what you are, or if you're even real, but the things said behind  walls will not leave them, understand?"

  She most certainly did not understand. "You mean to tell me," she fumed, "That not only are you behind a robbery, but you're gonna hide the truth from your citizens and lie to them? The ones that voted for you because they thought you'd be a fair and honest leader?"

  "It's better to live a happy little lie than a difficult truth."

  "A HAPPY LITTLE LIE? That's what you're callin' it? What the hay is wrong with you?! You know, if you find somethin' like this to be no big deal, then I'd hate to see what else you think you can get away with!"

  "Like bribery," Haldeman mindlessly muttered, regretting his slip of the tongue immediately.

  "YOU SON OF A CHANGELING! I OUGHTA-"

  Haldeman grabbed the pony before she could attempt to punch Nixon in the nose any further. Just as he was considering tying her up and covering her chatty mouth, a bright blue light appeared in the middle of the room from which a purple unicorn emerged. "Applejack!" it said. "Yes! The spell worked!"

  "Oh, nice," Nixon said, "there's another one. Let me guess, this one's even more annoying."

  "That's not very nice!" said Twilight. "I thought Americaland was supposed to be harmonious!"

  Applejack laughed. "Hyeah, that's what I thought, until this knucklehead here revealed to me that he's lying to his subjects about bein' behind a crime!"

  Twilight stared at him in fearful disgust. "Let's get outta here," she said.

  "No!" Applejack interjected. "Before we go, ya need to use your truth spell on him!"

  Now Twilight was staring at Applejack in disgust. "No! That's a blatant disrespect of pony- er, human rights!"

  "What rights? He's violating the rights of his subjects by lying to them!"

  "He may be a filthy liar, but imagine what would happen to the citizens' faith in their government if they found out! The Americaland of legend would cease to exist."

  "It never existed in the first place."

  They were now staring intently at each other, each daring the other to budge. "I'm not doing the spell, Applejack, I'm leaving. You can come with me right now and forget about this or stay in this world forever."

  Applejack thought for a very long time. She looked at Nixon. She looked at Twilight. "Aw, forget it. Let's go home."

  Nixon and Haldeman watched the ponies disappear into a fine mist. "You saw exactly what I saw, right Mr. Haldeman?"

  "Yes, sir."

  "And you agree that this never happened?"

  "Yes, sir."

  Haldeman pressed a button on the intercom. "Rose Mary? Yes, please erase the last eighteen and a half minutes from the tapes. Thank you."