Bucking All Day
It was a beautiful, idyllic summer’s day in Ponyville, and an exceptional one at that.
The sky was clear and peerlessly sapphire. It seemed to literally glow in the light of the sun like an incomprehensibly massive gemstone.
Not a cloud dared intrude on the sky, and seemingly the only things permitted to trespass upon it were happily singing birds and equally jubilant pegasi out to enjoy the rich thermals and cool cross breeze.
More land-locked ponies flocked in droves to the local pond, and by midday the water was packed with playing ponies having the time of their lives.
Others lounged in the shade around trees and under umbrella-protected patios, enjoying chilled drinks or else racing their rapidly melting frozen treats.
Anypony who didn’t have to be working, wasn’t. Those who were dearly wished they weren’t.
By rights, it was a day to kick back and enjoy.
And, of course, Twilight Sparkle was too distracted to do just that.
She trudged along a familiar dirt road at her own pace, looking weary. She kept her eyes down, watching the ground slip by beneath her as she did everything not to do something she’d never had to do before.
Not think.
In particular, not think about a book.
It was an unprecedented event, one that she never thought she’d live to see the day of its occurrence. And yet here she was.
Why Rarity had decided to spontaneously lend her one of her… stories… was beyond Twilight. She practically guarded her treasure trove – for lack of a better word – of the trashy romance novels she possessed, so her unexpected gift caught Twilight completely by surprise.
Now, the purple unicorn had a near-unconditional love of any book out there. But Fifty Shades of Hay was pushing it.
She’d gone into it optimistic. After all, a good read never hurt anypony. Or so she thought.
Now, she needed to get her mind off that… thing. It was starting to affect her in none-too healthy ways.
So here she was, trudging up the path to a familiar apple orchard, desperately in need of company that didn’t involve… that.
Twilight shivered, despite the warm day. Oh, I hope Applejack’s not busy like the others…
Despite having only a trio of workers tending to its every need, Sweet Apple Acres seemed somehow brighter and more vibrant than anywhere else in town.
Either that was Twilight’s imagination or it was a true testament to the hard work of the ponies calling the orchard home.
Of course, at the moment the farm looked deserted, as was typical at that time of day. The only sign of life at all was the creak of a rocking chair on the porch.
Upon closer investigation, Twilight’s suspicions were proven right; Granny Smith was sound asleep in her favorite rocking chair on her favorite piece of real estate on one side of the porch.
How she could rock and snore at the same time was a skill Twilight would never be able to fathom, that was for sure.
Rather than try to dissect her technique, Twilight turned her attention elsewhere.
Twilight hadn’t exactly been hoping to find Applejack very quickly. With a property as big as hers, it could take several hours to locate the orange farm pony.
So, one can imagine Twilight’s delighted surprise when she spotted that very orange mare just as she stepped out from around one side of the barn.
“Applejack!” she called, waving.
AJ came to a halt and looked around, perplexed. “Twi’? What’re ya doin’ ‘round these parts?”
Twilight smiled as she approached. “Oh, I just thought I’d come visit,” she said. “That is, if you’re not busy, of course.”
The purple unicorn hadn’t failed to notice how sweaty her friend was, or that she seemed to be slightly out of breath. If she wasn’t working, she’d literally just come off the job.
To her relief, Applejack shook her head. “Ah could sure use a break from all that buckin’,” she admitted, smiling almost wearily.
Twilight flinched ever so slightly. Oh come on, she scolded herself. She’s not talking about that.
“Uh, bucking?” Twilight heard herself ask before she could stop herself.
“Yep,” Applejack responded proudly. “Been buckin’ all day. Been quite a while since Ah’ve gone at it like this.”
S-she’s not talking about that… she’s not talking about that…
“Yes ma’am,” Applejack went on, “nothin’ like a good buckin’ ta get me in a good mood.”
Twilight stood very still, her pupils starting to shrink as she processed what was being given to her.
Applejack swept her Stetson from her head and wiped a hoof across her brow, ignorant of her friend’s discomfort.
“And ta think; a while ago, Ah was just buckin’ myself.” She proclaimed. “Big Mac aint ever helped me if he could avoid it. He’s got his own load ta deal with.”
Twilight gulped nervously. “B-Big Mac…”
Again, Applejack didn’t seem to hear her. She just kept on talking, eager to share.
“So Ah gotta thank ya, Twi’. Ah didn’t say nothin’ before, but you and the gals sure know how ta buck!”
Twilight’s eye twitched. It wasn’t a small twitch, either. It was a dangerous sort of spasm, one that inevitably heralded a spiral into madness. “W-wait a minute! We never bucked together!”
“Sure we did,” Applejack laughed. “Sure, ya weren’t real experienced, but ya gave it one heck of a go!”
“B-but, I never…,” Twilight gagged. Meanwhile, she was hastily replaying every conceivable memory she had of the apple farmer, just to be safe. After all, she barely knew anything about that. What if…
“Not just you, neither,” Applejack went on, smiling fondly. “Ah can’t tell ya how tickled Ah was when Fluttershy tried her hoof at it. She sure was gentle, though, like she thought she’d hurt somethin’.”
Applejack couldn’t help but laugh. “So, Ah showed her what a proper poundin’ is like. Think she learned somethin’, too.”
Now Twilight was getting pale. No… no I misunderstood. Applejack wouldn’t… would she?
Applejack tilted her hat back, turning to smile out towards Ponyville, looking bemused. “And Pinkie Pie… Woo-wee, let me tall ya – she’s one hoof-full, that one. But Ah’m sure ya know all about that.”
“N-no, not at all!” Twilight squeaked.
Applejack blinked at her, surprised. “Really? Ah find that kinda hard to believe.”
“Why?” Twilight asked despite herself, fully knowing she really didn’t want to know the answer.
“Well, you two always seem ta be joined at the hip. Ah woulda bet bits you were probin’ her for all yer worth.”
Twilight could only stare in horror. “P-p-probing…?”
“Yep!” Applejack replied, clearly proud of her observation. “Every time Ah see you two, yer goin’ at it like there’s gonna be no tomorrow!”
Twilight was becoming very pale indeed.
“Now that I think about it,” Applejack added, becoming pensive, “that’s a lot like how Rare and Ah used ta be; always goin’ at it. Sometimes Ah wonder if we ever did anythin’ else!”
“B-but,” Twilight argued weakly, grasping for straws, “you and Rarity are always so friendly!”
“Ah know,” Applejack said with a sigh, “but yer not ‘round all the time, and its only behind closed doors that that pony really lays into me.”
There was that eye twitch again.
“’Course, she’s mellowed out a whole heck of a lot,” Applejack noted. “She does her thing and Ah do my thing, and we’re both happy.”
“Like… like a break up?” Twilight ventured before she could stop herself.
Luckily, Applejack didn’t notice when her friend clapped her hooves over her muzzle in horror. She was too busy laughing good-naturedly. “We aint ever been like that, but sure, why not.”
How Twilight could get any paler was beyond her. Pretty soon she’d start turning white. They… they did that sort of thing without being… oh wow….
She was so completely and utterly confused that she almost missed Applejack’s next words.
“’course, now Ah got Rainbow givin’ me a hoof. Don’t rightly know what brought it on, but Ah’m sure glad she decided to!”
Twilight gave Applejack a truly disturbed look now, looking like a pony on the brink of sanity. No… no, she doesn’t mean…
“R-Rainbow?”
“Yep!” Applejack replied happily, “and let me tell ya; that mare knows a thing or two about buckin’!”
“What?” Twilight cried, aghast.
Once more, Applejack missed it. “Ah know, right?” she said with a cheery smile. “Ah’d think she read a book on how ta do it properly, but that gal don’t read nothin’ without Darin’ Do on the front.”
“B-but Rainbow,” Twilight muttered, horror welling still further. She’d heard rumors about the prismatic pegasus, more than she cared to relate. But not once did she ever entertain the possibility that they might actually be true. But with Applejack of all ponies...
Twilight licked her lips, suddenly feeling quite faint. No… this had to all be a misunderstanding. Applejack was just talking about a different kind of bucking… and going at it… and… and…
“She’s got nice form, too,” Applejack mentioned, rousing Twilight from her downward spiral into madness, if only to send her on another crash course of sorts.
Don’t picture Rainbow’s flank, don’t picture Rainbow’s flank, don’t – CELESTIA DA—
“She does this little thing with her hips while she’s buckin’, too,” Applejack chuckled. “Ah aint got the heart ta tell her, but it’s one o’ the cutest things Ah’ve ever seen. Don’t tell her Ah said that, though; havin’ her around ta offer a hoof when Ah get hankerin’ for a good buckin’ the most is mighty –”
“AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!”
Applejack jumped in surprise at Twilight’s shriek.
Without pausing a moment longer to let Applejack’s words pervert her mind further, Twilight spun on one heel and tore away in the opposite direction, still screaming her head off even long after she’d disappeared.
“Huh,” mumbled Applejack, blinking in mute surprise. “Wonder what’s got her all riled up?”
“Hey, Applejack!”
The farm pony in question turned her head, raising her eyes a bit to regard the pegasus looking back at her from her perch on the Apple family barn’s roof.
“There you are, Rainbow,” Applejack sighed. “Ah was wonderin’ where ya flew off to. We aint done, ya know!”
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” the rainbow-maned mare said back, waving a hoof dismissively, “but what was all that about?”
“What, Twilight?” Applejack asked, looking from Dash to a distant, screaming thicket. “Ah aint got the foggiest.”
Rainbow spread her wings and lightly flapped down to a standstill beside Applejack, her eyes following the farmer’s. For a long time, they were quiet, both lost in thought, until finally Rainbow glanced sideways towards her friend.
“So… did you tell her…?”
Applejack sighed, rolling her eyes. “No, Ah didn’t tell her we just had sex.”
“Oh, good. I wouldn’t want to explain to her how much you love the D.”
Author's Note
You know, the first thing I did when I sat down to write this was ask myself -- and I mean aloud and everything --; "Am I really going to write this?"
You see what the answer was.
This is... something. I don't even know. I just woke up, had the worst migraine I have ever had, took some pills... and then this happened.
This thing is, bar none, the silliest thing I have EVER worked on. Consider it an experiment into the sillier side of writing. That's, like, the only way I can justify creating this.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go die somewhere before class.
