I am full of shame for this.
The Great Chimp Heist
By Crowquill Symphony
Warning: I’m writing this so I can get the idea out of my head. I’m not even sure why I thought this was a good idea. At all. Seriously, I don’t know why I’m writing this. If you know what this is a reference to, congratulations, you get an imaginary muffin.
Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, and Rainbow Dash sat around a table in a mostly empty room in Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie put her hooves on the table. “All right girls,” She said as she began to sway her flanks rhythmically, “This is how we’re gonna steal that Chimp.”
“Why in the world would we want to steal a chimp?” Twilight said, tilting her head in confusion.
“Gentlemares, this is all about Salt!” Pinkie pointed to a whiteboard on which she had drawn a chimp with a belly full of bags of salt. “There’s enough in its stomach to insult Mexicolt.” She pulled the whiteboard off the wall, revealing another with a picture of a stallion. “Now the chimp is guarded by Big Macintosh, he’s a real tough stallion, but I know just how to stop him!”
“How?” Rainbow raised her forelegs in the air as she asked. Pinkie bounced over to an object covered with a sheet. She ripped it off, revealing a cannon filled with various critters.
“I filled a cannon with mice!” Pinkie said excitedly.
Twilight groaned. “Uhh, Pinkie, lemmie give you some advice.” Pinkie stared intensively at her, and she continued. “Nothing endangers a sting operation much more than rodent detonations.”
“No rats Pinkie.” Rainbow said, her voice flat.
“Then I guess its plan B.” Pinkie said, her eyes narrowing. Twilight wore a look of confusion on her muzzle.
“What’s plan B?”
“Oh, you’ll see!”
“Just tell me it doesn’t involve that crate of chickens.”
Twilight gestured to the crate of chickens sitting just behind the mouse cannon. Pinkie fell silent, and her eyes shifted side to side.
“Augh, plan B isn’t worth two Bits!” Rainbow shouted as she flipped the small table over. “Who the hay put you up to this?”
Pinkie’s mind drifted to that morning, and her meeting with a certain pink and yellow Pegasus. They sat across from each other in front of a soda bar, Pinkie slurping down a shake while Fluttershy nibbled on a salad.
“Please rescue that chimp, dear Pinkie, he needs medical attention soon.” Fluttershy said as Pinkie nonchalantly sipped a strawberry Sunday. Fluttershy saw her friend was distracted, so she pulled a large briefcase out and set it on the table. Pinkie’s eyes widened as Fluttershy opened the case. “And I’ll give a briefcase full of imported sugar to you.”
Two days later, Big Macintosh walked down Stirrup Street with a chimp on a leash just behind him. He stopped in front of a bright pink mare. “Pinkie Pie.” He nodded his head to her slightly as he prepared to go around. Before he could, however, he found himself being pecked by a flock of angry chickens. He let out a surprised yelp as he went down.
Rainbow pulled a cloud that Twilight sat on over the scene, and the unicorn dropped a rope ladder while casting a cloud walking spell on Pinkie and the Chimp. Pinkie grabbed the ladder, and pulled a banana out of her mane. She waved it at the chimp, who jumped forward, grabbing onto the ladder and the banana. Rainbow flew away, pulling the cloud far from the crime scene as Pinkie and Twilight danced on the cloud.
Big Macintosh sat up slowly, covered in tiny peck marks. He assessed the situation and saw that his chimp had been stolen. He sat there for a moment, and then stood up and walked away. “Eeyup.”
Miles away, Crowquill Symphony stared at the parchment in front of him. He sighed. “Luna dammit, what was I thinking when I wrote this?”
The End.
Go home now. Nothing to see here.
