Everything you love is worthless.
Princess Luna sat by the throne, gazing in disgusted contemplation. There was an ugly noble in the court today, very ugly, and the most foul wart rested in plain view on his snout. Completely grotesque, his rash was only the icing on the hideous cake (Celestia would still eat that). Luna snorted.
How improper for a pony to be so ugly.
Turning to the ample Celestia, she pointed out the offender, “Dear sister, we absolutely must deal with this abomination. He is mucking up the whole room and I want him dead at once.”
Princess Celestia looked back at her heathen sister in disgust. “Luna, problems are not dealt like that in this period. We are civilized beings now (cue laughter). Speaking of which, what did I tell you about sitting on your throne?”
“But just look,” the first-world-problemed princess horse desperately pointed, “it’s so utterly hideous!”
“I’ll not speak another word to you until you are seated upon your throne.”
Luna scowled but returned to her luxurious seat with the air of a spoiled child from a reality television show. Clearly her sister would be no help, so it would be up to the princess of the night to save them from this terror.
Luna squirmed in her seat, still anguished by the pony. That fucking wart was just staring at her, sending bad vibes from across the room. She’d tried to sneak away several times but Celestia was keeping her on a short leash. An itchy one too, the immortal princess thought as she fidgeted with the collar.
Doing what she should have done long ago, Luna pulled some cake out her ass and tossed it in Celestia’s direction.
“Oh look, empty calories!” she exclaimed in the most plastic of tones.
And just like a retarded puppy, SunButt dashed wildly after it.
One matter taken care of. Luna gnawed off the leash and proceeded with her plan. Sneaking by the walls of the royal courtroom, she carefully stalked to the appalling pony (uglier than the usual pony). Even now, Luna could see him chatting and laughing with several other officials who looked him straight in the eye. Those loving and tolerating bastards.
But oh no, he turned to her direction!
Trusting her instinct, Luna went with the first thing that came to mind and submerged her head in a nearby punchbowl. It was flavored raspberry and humiliation. But unable to see from her perch, the princess had to assume he was still looking and kept her head in as long as able. Which wasn’t saying much due to her smoker’s lung. The dark princess didn’t smoke, it was secondhand from all the time she spent writing melodramatic poetry at coffee houses.
Out of breath in seven seconds, Luna was forced to yank out her head, gasping for air. She also swatted the bowl off the table. Some nobleponies turned to her due to the commotion.
“You need not be concerned, loyal subjects,” she authoritatively assured, “Your princess is merely disciplining the punch.”
They merely shrugged and rolled their eyes, returning to official gossip of other matters. Their new princess acting like a retarded puppy was par for the course. It was for both of their princesses really.
Again wyeing the world-endingly ugly pony, Luna plotted her next move. He was only a few yards away but there were still several options she could take. Varying degrees of benevolence she could pursue. Perhaps living up to her name as Mysterious Dark Princess of the Sexy Shadows—it would catch on, eventually—she might settle on something complex and stealthy. An intricate manipulation of events and ponies alike that would result in his assassination, and Luna would have to suffer is appearance no longer. With her expert orator skills, Luna could surely persuade the ponies right around her to help arrange a subtle accident for the rash-ridden mongrel. But then, why had she needed to sneak over here first?
Too fucking hard. Luna decided to walk up to him and get it over with.
With the grace of a pretty pony princess—meaning several falters and stumbles—the pernicious alicorn trudged over to the stallion, who ceased conversation as he witnessed her approach, and turned the Royal Canterlot Voice up to eleven. It would be important to have witnesses. She’d work out if it was to her benefit later.
“Excuse me you atrocious heathen, just what do you think you’re doing stinking up the royal palace with that face? Here I’d thought my loyal subjects would have the common decency not to leave their homes if they look like mule shit and you smell of mushrooms. Did you eat too many jelly sandwiches as a child, what made you think it was a good idea to wear that suit with that coat color? I HATE YOU.”
The unsightly stallion just froze with mouth agape. Sure, he knew deep down he wasn’t Sexiest Stallion of the Year, but no pony had ever actually confronted him about it. Since birth, he’d only been built for Love and Tolerance. And confrontation was scary, especially when coming from a bitchy princess much taller than yourself.
This was not going how Luna had intended. Yes, a crowd had formed, but they looked to be staring angrily at her instead of the true offender. And the blight had nothing to say for himself, merely shuddering noticeably with crybaby eyes.
She’d have to turn this around quickly if she was to maintain the upper hand. Best to kill him right then. Luna raised to a hoof to strike him down and—
“There you are, Luna!” scolded the matronly voice of Celestia. “I told you not to leave your chair, you naughty girl. Come along now, we’re going back to our side of the room.”
She picked up the loose end of Luna’s leash and turned back to the thrones, trotting slow with the weight of far too many snacks.
The Night Princess cursed. “You think you will get by,” she whispered to confused irises as she was dragged away, “but you will die.” This was not over yet.
Luna later made several more unsuccessful attempts at sneaking away, so Celestia just decided to end the whole sorry business and chopped off her head.
