I can remember the warmth of the sun gently caressing my body, but now I can only see the glorious orb through the windows, always out of reach from the heavenly sphere. I can also remember the feeling of lush grass tickling the flat of my hooves as I walked through the park, but now I can only hope to ever feel that sensation against them again.
I can remember the smells of freshly cut grass and the many wonderful aromas that would always remain on the market street, but now I can only smell the same sterile stench every single day and of what would resemble a proper meal. My life has changed drastically and I have nopony to blame. I can’t tell anypony that it was their fault. It was all me.
I have been lying in this same bed for about three months, the staff refuses to let me do anything in the state that I am in. They just want what is best for me. I know that they mean well, but I want my freedom back. This is not what I expected my life to be.
I was diagnosed with Leukemia four months ago. They said that it was some rare kind of Leukemia named something about T-cells... All I know is that I don’t have much time left of my life and I wish to live to the fullest as long as I can. This is a battle that I can’t win, but I do my best to make it. I am not going to lay down and take this without a fight.
Sometimes when I’m lying in my hospital bed I contemplate about what I have accomplished in my life. I’m only 29, but I am married and I have a filly who’s 9 years now. It feels like my soul is crushed, stomped and finally spit on as I realize that I will not be there for her when she’s growing up. I just can’t bear the emotions that come crashing down when I think about it, so I have distanced myself so I won’t have to worry too much. It feels like I already have the weight of this world on my back.
Whenever I am awake, I stare at a chosen point on the wall on the oppsite side of the room and block out everything else. I have gotten used to the everyday sounds of the hospital and over the weeks here, I have also learned to block it out and replace it with silence. It becomes much more peaceful then and I can truly relax even with the ever-present pain coursing through my body.
The door leading into my room opens and a nurse walk inside with a tray. Seems like it’s time for food again... The nurse smiles sweetly as she places the stand over my stomach so I can eat easier. Then she recieves the plate and places it on the aforementioned stand. She finishes the ritual with placing a glass of crystal clear water.
I stare at the glass of water for a minute, realizing just how similair it can be to a pony. The container itself can be how big, small or just another normal size. But the liquid inside the glass is what brings it to life. It can be how pure and clear as it can ever get just as a pony’s health or personality. But when the water is tainted by something or has ink or oil put into it, it becomes dirty and not healthy to drink anymore.
That’s what my disease is; a small blob of ink spread into my glass of water, destroying its value more and more over time. I am a tainted liquid, waiting for my turn to be spilled down the drain. I grit my teeth and smacks the innocent glass away, startling the nurse. I raise my forehooves to my face and lean forwards. This... this is just too much... I... I just...
"Sir..?" I can hear the nurse coming closer towards me. Why can’t she understand that I want to be alone right now? I was about to tell her to get the hell out, but she spoke up before me. "You have some visitors today. May I bring them in?" She asked softly. Seems like she finally understood that I wasn’t really in the mood to be bothered.
"Sure..." I croaked. Maybe it wouldn’t have been that bad with a glass of water right now, but I spilled the entire thing onto the floor... Oh well.
"I’ll be back in a few minutes, then!" She said, much happier than before. I smiled weakly as she trotted out through the doorway, leaving the door wide open. They never do that. Not even the janitors leave any doors open when they leave the room they’re in. I rest my head back onto the pillow. Even the slightest exertion makes me really tired. One of the many downsides of Chemotherapy, I suppose...
"Daddy!" A soft, high-pitched voice squealed from the doorway, followed by the pitter-patter of small hooves running on the floor towards the bed. I smile as I can feel something struggling to climb, and succed to climb up the bed. I give her a weak smile as she scrambles on top of my stomach. "Hi dad!" She smiled a broad, infectious smile that I couldn’t resist to answer woth a smile of my own. Her red mane bounced across her neck and her glasses were as always, perched upon her little snout.
"Hello there, kiddo..." I answered with a harsh cough, making her frown and cock her head. I lifted my gaze away from her to see a mare standing in the doorway, shaking her head in disapproval.
"Twist, what have I and the doctors told you about climbing up on your father’s bed?" The cream-coloured mare shook her head and chuckled. Twist pouted and bounced off the bed. The mare, Peppermint is my wife. "How are you feeling today?" She gave me that look only a mother can give; the look that show the utmost care for somepony they hold dear. I let her words sink in before I answered.
"Could be worse..." I smiled weakly. Peppermint rolled her eyes and Twist just looked at me, and then on her mother. "But... But the doctors..." I could feel tears well up in the corners of my eyes, just as they did when the doctors told me the bad news. Peppermint understood directly what I was talking about and her jaw fell and tears appeared. "They can’t do anything more and it doesn’t appear to be very positive... They have done what they c-c-could..." I took a deep breath and tried to calm down as much as I could. "They think I have about three months left..." Both Twist and Peppermint gasped. Twist shot up onto the bed like a bullet and wrapped her little arms around my neck as hard as she could.
"B-but I d-d-don’t w-want you to go..." Sobs wracked her tiny body as she tightened her grip. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. I don’t want to leave them behind like this...
"I don’t want to go either but... But I have ben fighting for so long... I can’t..." I gritted my teeth and clenched my eyes shut. I felt another set of forelegs wrap themselves around me. I opened my eyes to see Peppermint resting her head against mine while embracing me and Twist.
"Shh..." Peppermint hushed us. "We don’t have to talk about it and make the most of the time we have, okay?" She said softly. She was right, it was time left and we will make it work.
Author's Note
I wrote this a few months back and lost it and found it a few days back with no motivation to finish it.
lol wut da fuq am i doing
