On the inside, I am looking out. I see the ponies around me, I see them laugh and play. They see me, the outside that I show them. They expect me to be what I have shown; a happy outgoing pony. I am a happy outgoing pony, but there is so much more to me. They see the joy, they do not see the pain. They see the happiness, they don’t see the sadness. They see the joviality, they don’t see the depression. They see what I show them, because they don’t want to see anything else.
They expect me to be strong always, so I am. They expect a smile, so that is what I give them. They expect me to be outgoing and happy, with not a care in the world, so that is what I exude. What they don’t want to see, is that I am just as pony as they are. I feel just as they do. I cry just as they do. I grieve just as they do. I am no different than they. However, since they don’t expect, and most of them don’t want to see me in my ponyness, I have to put on a mask.
I am crying on the inside. On the inside, I am screaming, feeling pain, desperate for relief. They come to me, wanting to talk about their problems, their issues, their pain. I am happy to be there for them. What they don’t know, is that on the inside, I am just as broken and hurting as they are.
So they come to me, wanting relief from their pain, while never seeing the chains of depression that binds me tight. I am just as hurting as they are, yet me being who I am, I cannot turn them away. What kind of friend, what kind of pony would I be if I turned them away?
So I listen to their woes. I listen to the droves that come to me, all of them seeking support and strength to help them deal with their pain. I do the best I can to ease their pain, but I am only one pony. I cannot be there for all of them, can I? Yet, come they do, and listen do I, to anypony that needs me. Even in my brokenness, pain, and feelings of desolation, I am always ready to be there for anypony that needs me.
I have to admit though, there are times that I have to push back or push past my own feelings to be able to help those in need. Therein lies the problem. While I am helping and serving other ponies, my own brokenness goes undetected. As time goes on, it feels like ponies almost just come to expect my healing words without much appreciation or notice the price I pay for their freedom of their feelings.
But no matter what they do, or who comes my way, I will always stand strong and firm for them. It is who I am. I cannot, and will not be anything else. So, even though on the inside I am hurting and wishing that I had someone to open up to, still I will be there for anypony that needs me.
Inside, I only wish they understood more of me as a whole pony. I grow tired and weary, too. I grow weary of having to be strong for everypony else, without having anypony be there to help strengthen me. When I use all my strength for others, what is there left for me? At the end of the day, I am so tired, so drained. There is little for me to grasp onto, as I use all I have to give for others. Inside, there is a void, a place in me that hurts everyday. Yet, nopony seems to notice. Even when the tell tail signs are very evident to me!
It takes a very special pony to see others pain ahead of their own. Why did I have to be this pony? It hurts! A lot! And by true nature of strength, I never give anypony reason to suspect any different. If they are not receptive enough to notice on their own, trying to explain it to them seems to be selfish on my part. Some ponies just don’t get it. You come to know, understand, and accept your strength and ability to help others come at a substantial cost that you are, somehow, willing to pay. Not all gifts and abilities are magical, but gifts nonetheless.
I have had a couple of ponies over the years be able to see through my tear stained smile, knowing that all was not ok, in spite of my trying to be jovial. Those are the ponies I will remember forever, for they were able to see the whole me. They knew! And I never had to utter one word for them to know. They just did, even when I tried to not let them know.
That is the hardest part for me sometimes. Another pony, seeing inside of me? It is scary. What if they don’t understand me, ridicule me, or worst of all, tell other ponies? I don’t want anypony to pity me, I just want somepony that is willing to be for me what I am to so many others; a willing ear, a open heart, and a ready mouth to speak words of encouragement.
So, here I am, on the inside looking out. The ponies come, and the ponies go. No matter what, I will stand. I will stand in the role given to me, for who else is going to do what I do? I stand ready and willing, waiting for them to come.
On the outside, I smile and am happy, I am energized, hyper, outgoing and joyful. On the inside, I am torn, battered, broken, in pain, drained, exhausted, worn down, and crying out for relief to all the things that I keep inside of me.
On the inside, I am waiting for the few special ponies that can see past the strength I exude. The ponies that are just like me, on the inside.
Author's Note
This is not just my work. My mom, by the username Sunshine Hooves, helped me a lot with this too. I hope that our story speaks to you, the reader. The strongest of people are the ones that need the most support.
What most will never know is just how much anger I deal with sometimes. Oh yes, many know me as a joyful, happy, cheerful pony that would never hurt anyone. What they don't know of me is how close, more often than I care to admit, that I come to completely destroying those around me.
Stop being melodramatic, most would say, if they were to hear my words. They have no idea the control I have to exert over myself, the forced smile I wear some days. There are days when I want to just lash out for no reason. There are days when I want to snap and goes berserk on somepony that offended or hurt me. Then there are the days that I fear the most; the days when I feel the urge to actually plan out the ways I think of hurting others. The days that the small part of me relishes in the thought of hurting others in deliberate, joyful glee.
Most will never know the struggle within to keep my anger in check. The fear that drives me just as much as the anger at my anger. Tis a wonder I haven't lost control yet, with all the things that go through my head. I do what I can, releasing my anger in ways that do not cause harm to others, but there are still days when I want to feel the bones of another cracking under my grip, when I want to hear a real cry of pain, a real plea for help and mercy.
Most days I am fine, most days I am truly happy.
I hope the day never comes that I lose the control I have worked for years to have, for that day would be a nightmare for me, and anyone involved.
What happened to me? Where is the boundless enthusiasm I used to have? Where did all my energy go? I used to be the loudest one around, now I don't even register. I've lost all my previous zeal for life, all my motivation. I feel like I was better off when I had less than I do now. Is it the fact that I have no one to be around? Is my energy dependent on whether or not I have friends surrounding me? I just don't know.
What I do know is I have no motivation or enthusiasm for anything anymore. I used to be the loud one, the fun one, the walking party. Now, I am nothing, less than a shadow of my former self. I don't even have the energy to pretend I am happy, let alone actually be happy. It feels as though life has lost it's color, and with it, it's purpose. What is the point of getting up everyday, with no one to spend it with? Without my friends, I am nothing.
It's not like I want to be like this. I only wish I could be happy and energetic. Every time I try to do or be what I used to, it's like something is missing, some vital part that made me, me. The things I used to look forward to don't even interest me now. What is missing?
I look back over the last couple months of my life, to see if I can figure out what went wrong. My life is, by all accounts, better than it has been in years. I have a home, a job, what else could I ask for? Yet, my current state has only worsened with time. One would think, with all I have have that I used to not, I would be the happiest I ever was. Yet all I wish for are some friends.
Is that it? Could it be? Is it possible, that my lack of energy, my lack of zeal for life, is connected to my lack of friends? I used to be so happy, is spite of the fact that I had next to nothing. I had friends, ponies that filled and lifted me up, and I did so in turn for them. It seemed no matter what the day brought, all was right in the world, because I had my friends around me.
Now, even though I have a home, a job, and all the things I wanted, I lack the thing that made all the troubles of life bearable. Friends. I am all alone. No pony knows me here, and no pony would know if I left. I go to work, come home, eat sleep, and do it all again the next day. What purpose is there in that? I would rather have nothing, but have friends, than have something without someone to share it with.
Author's Note
This is just my way of trying to get through the funk I have been trapped in for weeks now. I know all of you guys are my friends, indeed, I consider many of you family, but not having anyone to be around IRL is taking it's toll on me.
