Horse Latitudes

by Midnight Rambler

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2549

Mr. Mojo Risin' hits Ponyville.

A stallion wanders into Ponyville, looking like he hasn't seen a bed, a bath or a razor in days. Twilight Sparkle and her friends try to help him, but he quickly starts to get on their nerves with his strange, poetic manner of speaking. Also, he seems to be afraid of bathtubs for some reason.

Published 2013-04-17 22:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-17 22:30:02 UTC

When All Else Fails, We Can Whip the Horse's Eyes

Twilight Sparkle hummed happily to herself as she trotted across Ponyville town square. The library was closed today, and Spike was out playing with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. She would go for a walk in the park, then visit Fluttershy for tea. A real day off – she felt she had earned it, after powering through three 700-page tomes on advanced magic in as many days.

She looked around her. It was a sunny day, and the town square was full of ponies. Bon Bon and Lyra were arguing about something, though she couldn't hear what. Cheerilee was talking to the mayor. There was a small line of ponies in front of Applejack's apple stand. Twilight smiled. It was always good to see that her friend's business was doing well.

Then a stallion she had never seen in town before caught her eye. He was an earthpony with a pale off-white coat and an unkempt black mane. Thick black stubble covered his chin. He didn't look like he was doing anything or going anywhere – he just stood there, looking around with wide eyes.

He seemed like a very strange pony, but Twilight, being the friendly and welcoming pony she was, approached him nonetheless. 'Hi!' she said. 'My name is Twilight Spa–'

She was cut off when Pinkie Pie appeared from out of nowhere, bouncing in front of the stallion. 'Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?'

'Mr. Mojo Risin',' the stranger said, lazily drawing out each syllable. 'I am the lizard king. I can do anything.'

'Okay! That's so cool! Are you new in Ponyville? Because then we should totally throw you a welcome-to-Ponyville party! I can start making the invitations right away!'

The stallion said nothing, which wasn't a very unusual reaction when confronted with Pinkie's hyperactive greeting for the first time. But now that Twilight got a closer look at him, it seemed like he didn't need a welcome party. He needed a bath, a shave and a good night's sleep. He looked like he hadn't had any of those things in days. 'Pinkie, he doesn't look so well,' she said, then turned to the stranger, who was apparently named Mojo Risin'. 'Are you all right?'

'I've been down so goddamn long,' he groaned, 'that it looks like up to me.'

'Ooookay,' Twilight said, a bit taken aback by his swearing. But she wanted to help this pony, and help him she would, foul mouth or not. 'You should come with me to the library. We'll help you.'

Mojo Risin' looked at Twilight intently, still with those wide, haunting eyes, which made her slightly uncomfortable. 'Can you give me sanctuary?' he asked. 'I must find a place to hide.'

'Umm, yeah. Sure,' Twilight said, unsure what to make of this. She just hoped she wouldn't be sheltering a criminal on the run. 'Follow me.' She turned back towards the library and trotted off, with Pinkie and Mojo behind her. That walk in the park would have to wait, it seemed.

When they entered the library, Twilight motioned for Mojo to follow her upstairs. 'Let's get you cleaned up first. The bathroom is this way.'

'Move upstairs, move upstairs,' he mumbled, then followed her. Pinkie seemed content to bounce around downstairs and browse the library shelves for now. 'Girl, we couldn't get much higher,' Mojo said when they reached the upper floor.

Twilight chuckled. 'Well, technically, we can't, since this is the top floor of the library… But this isn't even the tallest building in Ponyville, and it's completely dwarfed by some of the towers in Canterlot or Manehattan!' Apparently, her new guest hadn't seen many tall buildings.

She opened the door to the bathroom. It wasn't big, but there was plenty of room for the bathtub and the sink, which was all it really needed to contain. Everything was immaculately clean, the white tiles on the floor and walls shining in the morning sun. Twilight couldn't help but feel proud of how tidy she kept her bathroom.

Mojo, however, seemed to have different feelings about it. He looked around nervously, almost in fear, it seemed. 'I see the bathroom is clear?' he muttered.

Twilight eyed him curiously. Of course, being in a stranger's bathroom might be a little awkward to some ponies, but wasn't this a little over the top? She turned on the tap to fill the bath. 'Well, I'll leave you alone for now. Help yourself to a towel, and let me know if you need anything else!' She turned around and walked out of the room.

When she was about to close the door behind her, he suddenly shrieked, 'Run to the mirror in the bathroom!' She hastily went back inside to find Mojo staring at the bathtub in terror.

'You're… afraid of bathtubs?' she asked. Well, that would explain a lot, she thought.

Mojo nodded vigorously. 'Water covers you,' he stammered. 'Can't escape the blue.'

'But you've got to get clean somehow,' Twilight said. She put a hoof to her chin, thinking about how to solve this odd problem. 'Um, would it help if I stayed here with you?'

Another vigorous nod. 'I really need you, baby, God knows I do.'

Twilight blushed. Was Mojo flirting with her? As if staying with another pony while they bathed wasn't awkward enough already... But she decided to humour him for now.

After Mojo had cleaned and groomed himself, with Twilight watching over him the whole time, they had gone back downstairs and found Pinkie still looking through various books. Twilight had made some tea for her guests.

Now that they were comfortably seated at the reading table with their tea, Twilight found it high time to ask Mojo a few questions. 'So, Mojo Risin', where are you from?'

'The streets in the town of New Haven,' Mojo said. 'Went down south and crossed the border, left the chaos and disorder.'

'New Haven?' Pinkie said. 'Where's that?'

'I think he means New Hooven, Pinkie.' It still didn't make much sense – granted, anypony travelling from New Hooven to Ponyville would be going southward, but there weren't any borders between the two towns, as far as Twilight knew.

'Oh, okay,' Pinkie said. 'Hey, do you have any friends back in New Hooven?'

Mojo shrugged. 'I've got some friends inside.'

Inside? Did he mean inside New Hooven, inside Equestria, or what? Then Twilight remembered – "inside" was an informal term for "in prison" in some circles, she'd read once. Was Mojo friends with convicts? She wouldn't put it past him, given how he had looked when she met him… She decided to drop the subject for now. 'Well, what about family? Who are your mother and father?'

Mojo's ears perked up and his expression hardened. 'Mother?' he said. 'I want to…. WAAAAAAAAAUGH!'

Twilight and Pinkie covered their ears with their hooves at the bloodcurdling scream. Apparently family wasn't a good topic to bring up, either. Twilight was beginning to find this frustrating. But she wasn't going to give up on helping an obviously troubled pony just because he was a little crazy, now was she? Come to think of it, there might be a great friendship lesson in all this, if she held through.

The bell rang as the library's door swung open and Applejack stepped inside. 'Howdy, Twi! It's my lunch break, so I thought I'd stop by. Oh hey, Pinkie, and... um… who are you?'

'I'm the changeling,' Mojo said. 'See me change.'

'A changeling?!' Applejack scowled and scraped her hooves on the floor, ready to charge. 'Why, I oughtta kick y'all clean into next –'

'Take it easy, baby!' Mojo said quickly, but it didn't seem to have much effect.

'No, Applejack, stop!' Twilight shouted, flailing her hooves about in panic. 'He's not a changeling! He's just a little strange. But he means well… I think.' She calmed down a bit, then attempted a normal introduction despite the violent misunderstanding that had just occurred. 'Applejack, meet Mojo Risin'. Mojo Risin', Applejack.'

Applejack held out a hoof and said, 'How do you do,' though it was obvious she was still very suspicious of Mojo.

'Hello, I love you,' he said as he shook her hoof.

'Wow, you're a really friendly pony if you like ponies that much when you've just met them!' Pinkie said excitedly.

Twilight and Applejack just stared at each other in awkward silence. Twilight shrugged, hoping she could get some kind of telepathic message across: yes, he's crazy, just play along for now.

Fortunately, Applejack seemed to take the hint. She took a seat at the table while Twilight poured her a cup of tea.

'All right, Mojo,' Twilight said, 'so you left New Hooven, and then? Did you come straight here, or did you go somewhere else?' She would at least try to get some kind of coherent information out of him.

'For seven years I dwelt in the loose palace of exile,' he said. 'I was turning keys, I was setting people free. I was doing all right.'

'The palace of exile?' Pinkie said. 'That doesn't sound like a fun place to be at all! Why would you go there?'

'To please the lions,' Mojo said.

'Okey dokey lokey,' Pinkie said, apparently satisfied with this answer. 'And then what happened at the end of the seven years? How did you get out?'

'At first flash of Eden we raced down to the sea, standing there on freedom's shore.'

'Freedom's shore!' Pinkie said happily. 'That sounds a lot more fun than a palace of exile!'

'Along came Mr. Good Trips,' Mojo continued. 'Looking for a new ship. "C'mon people, better climb on board, c'mon babe, we're going home…"'

'You were picked up by a ship,' Twilight said, trying to make sense of Mojo's colourful ramblings. 'And it carried you home, to New Hooven?'

Mojo shook his head and sighed. 'Ship of fools, ship of fools…'

'So this Mr. Good Trips was really a Mr. Bad Trips!' Pinkie said, slamming her hoof on the table. 'Why didn't he bring you home like he said he would?'

Mojo smiled. Apparently, his memories of the mysterious Mr. Good Trips weren't so bad. 'He said, "Son, I'm going crazy from living on the land. I've got to find my shipmates, and walk in foreign sands."'

The conversation continued in this manner for several long and uncomfortable minutes. Pinkie seemed fascinated by Mojo, but Applejack got more and more annoyed with his 'fancy-schmancy poetry,' as she called it, and Twilight had to admit she was also losing her patience with him. Everything he said was cryptic, and some of it was downright disturbing. What in Equestria did he mean by all these references to 'soul kitchens,' 'moonlight drives' and 'breaking on through to the other side'? It was like one of her oldest books on magic had come alive and was talking to her – except her old magic books didn't call her 'baby' all the time. She was about to snap at him when the doorbell rang and Rainbow Dash and Rarity came in.

'Hello, Twilight,' Rarity said. 'I wanted to ask your advice about a tricky colouring spell, and – oh! Well, I see there's some party going on here…'

'Hey, Twi,' Rainbow Dash said before Twilight could respond. 'So yeah, I just tagged along with Rarity because I was bored and I guessed watching you two mess around with colours would be fun…'

'Have a seat, both of you,' Twilight sighed. 'And meet Mojo Risin'.'

'Five to one, baby, and one in five,' Mojo said with a grin.

'Yes, there are five of us now, Mojo. Very astute,' Twilight said. Mentally, she breathed a sigh of relief – at least he could count. But the fact that that alone was reason for relief was saying something.

'Get on with the story!' Pinkie said, bouncing up and down in her seat. 'You've told us the whole story up until today. I wanna hear about today!'

Mojo leaned back, getting ready to tell the last part of his story. 'Yeah, I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer,' he said.

'Oh! I say, how crude!' Rarity huffed.

'What? Mojo, you drink beer in the morning? What are you, some kind of alcoholic?' Twilight asked incredulously.

'I bet you've never gotten an honest day's work done with that kinda attitude,' Applejack added.

'Oh, lighten up, girls,' Rainbow Dash said. 'So what if he likes to have a little drink at weird times every now and then? Working nine-to-five isn't for everypony. Some ponies gotta have a little adventure in their lives. Like me, and Mojo here.' She patted his withers. 'I think I like you, kid.'

'Gotta thrill my soul, all right,' Mojo said enthusiastically.

Twilight wanted to say something along the lines of 'Rainbow, don't encourage him!' but she held her tongue. At least one of her friends was forming some kind of connection with Mojo Risin' – that was a good thing, she supposed.

About an hour later, the doorbell rang again. This time it was Fluttershy who stepped into the library. 'Umm… Twilight?' she said, doing her best to make herself heard over the loud conversation at the table. 'I thought you were coming over for tea? But if you can't make it, umm, that's okay…'

Twilight could almost slap herself. Of course! How could she have forgotten about her visit to Fluttershy? 'The tea party has been moved here, Fluttershy,' she said with a sigh. 'Come sit with us. And meet Mojo Risin'.' She pointed a hoof at Mojo.

'Mojo Risin'?' Fluttershy asked nervously as she wormed into the last free seat at the table.

'Yeah, this feller here. I'm tellin' ya, Shy, there's just no reasonin' with him,' Applejack said. 'His brain is squirmin' like a toad!'

'Hey!' Rainbow and Pinkie protested simultaneously, but Mojo's face quickly turned into the brightest smile Twilight had seen from him so far.

'I love you the best!' he said, turning towards Applejack.

'Oh no, don't you start with that sweet talk again,' Applejack groaned.

'Wait…' Rainbow said, confused. 'She just called you a nutjob… and for that, you like her?'

Mojo nodded enthusiastically. 'Better than all the rest!'

Rarity put a hoof to her forehead and turned her eyes to the ceiling – the melodramatic pose that Twilight had seen her in so often. 'Strange days have found us,' she moaned.

For some reason, this seemed to brighten Mojo's mood even more. 'Seven horses seem to be on the mark!' he said loudly.

'Seven?' Pinkie said. 'There's only six of us, silly. Or wait, are you counting yourself too? Then I guess seven would make sense...'

Twilight let out a frustrated  growl. Her day off was ruined. Pinkie was wrong: nothing about this stallion made sense, and it seemed like nothing ever would, no matter how long they talked. 'I give up!' she cried, and slammed her head into the table. 'This is the end!'

She had no idea what kind of game Mojo Risin' was playing – but when she looked up at him, the smug grin on his face told her, somehow, that he had won.