1: First contact
A door slammed violently in a small suburban house in Los Angeles. This house belonged to a very distraught boy named Jordan. Jordan was a normal boy; he went to high school, passed his classes and begrudgingly did everything that the system expected him to do. The only difference about this remarkably average boring boy was that he decided to break through societies oppressions of gender roles and decided to like a wonderful show called My Little Pony: Friendship is magic. Sparing enough words to give grains of sand in the Sahara a good pissing contest, Jordan was all but obsessed with the show, opting to see their reality as one that is greater than his own.
This particular day in his life comes to an evening as he angrily stomps into his house after a particularly angst filled day at high school.
“Who do they think they are? Those stupid jocks! Saying that My Little Pony was for girls,” Jordan lets out in a unadulterated rage that could well up into borderline insane as he slams the front door behind him and makes his way through his rather comfortable looking house.
“I can't believe people would be so ignorant. Why can't everyone accept that friendship is magic IS magic,” he said in the most obviously socially inept way possible. His furious rage at an athlete after he had confusingly said ‘isnt that show for girls?’ when Jordan attempted to push the show on him out of his obsession would seem a bit misguided from another perspective. Jordan was adamant about only increasing his hatred for humanity after the minor incident.
“Stupid school, stupid people, stupid everything,” he angrily mumbled as he made his way up the stairs to his room.
“Even my parents don't care about me or the ponies,” his tone turned sullen. Even though both of his parents were still together and usually came home around seven, and would try to talk to Jordan and try to be the best parents they could. Sure, they never really got Jordans weird obsession, but they still accepted and loved him. Jordan wouldn't hear of it though.
“This world is just so stupid, I hate my life,” Jordan spouted with malice as he settled into his computer chair in his lavish room, filled with nice things that he didn't have to work for.
Jordan picked up his My Little Pony toys. Twilight and Princess Celestia, his two favorites. He looked lovingly at them and thought of all of the poorly written fanfiction he had created and that of so many others, attempting to live out the life in Equestria he would never have.
“Ah, Princess Celestia... I wish you would just take me away from here forever, so I could live with you in Equestria,” he said, thinking of other, fouler things as well, being the type to go into the more dark places of the internet where artists roam freely with the characters. He was one to frequent them on many a lonely night, but we won't go into that.
As he sat in his computer chair with the toys against his chest, a small glimpse of light appeared in the corner of his room. Being in the middle of his fantasy, he could only think one thing.
“Is that a portal opening? Did Twilight mess up a spell? Did Celestia answer my wish? Oh, I'm so excited!” he began frolicking like a schoolgirl to the portal, dropping the toys in the process. As he made his way to the light, he found something to be quite off.
Instead of the light opening into a portal, it stretched out and began to tear bits of the ceiling and floor out as well. Many of the lights started to appear as well, tearing into the house like a massive staple remover possessed by satan himself.
The world lit up in a rainbow colored beam as from the heavens descended the fiery wrath and wiped Los Angeles off the map with a resounding ‘Fwoosh’ and a shockwave that could've been felt in Russia.
In an instant the lights all connected, disintegrating every particle within Los Angeles and many miles around it. The beam pulverized all viable matter into its most basic components with a fearsome weaponized combination of ultra focused light, plasma, and friendship.
Almost immediately all the world’s countries went into Red Alert, and the internet began a flame war between offensive pictures regarding the incident with a ‘too soon?’ caption, and those who were wholeheartedly, and mostly unnecessarily offended by it.
Low Orbital Friendship Cannon Offensive Platform(Pony Spaceship):
Moments after the blast...
The massive spire shaped ship floated in space above the Earth as its rotating prongs at its base cooled from its previous shot.
“Target eliminated Princess, direct hit confirmed,” Twilight said in her position below Princess Celestia in the massive bridge of the ship, overlooking the now partially scorched Earth.
“Good, good. The purge will go just as planned. Ready the cannon for a second barrage, and give me a status update on the armada,” Celestia said to Twilight. In any other situation, they would've looked absolutely adorable in the simple tan captains uniform and bland gray first man’s suit that had an ‘Enclave Commander’ look to them. The bridge swarmed with ponies going from terminal to terminal in their equally adorable uniforms.
“The next shot will be prepared in precisely fifteen minutes princess, and the armada is almost out of warp speed and headed to our position, ETA ten,” Twilight said with determination as she accomplished eight different tasks on her terminal with the constant clicking of magic against the keyboard.
“Excellent,” Celestia said as she stared at the foul earth with the gaze of a determined ostrich about to give a mouthy koala the ol’ what for.
“Soon... soon I will rid this universe of these horrible, despicable, otherwise slightly attractive some of the time-” Celestia was interrupted as a pony in another gray uniform that would've otherwise been a royal guard trotted up to her side on the metallic throne and began to speak.
“Your highness, we have an incoming transmission from the leader of the United States of America, he says he wishes to speak with you peacefully about a resolution. He also said he speaks for the rest of the Earth and to disregard any further messages from other countries,” The guard said while at attention to the Princess.
“Ugh, America, the only one of their vile countries that I almost hate more than Japan. Fine, patch him through, and Twilight,”
“Yes Princess?” she said as she looked up from her post ready for command.
“Focus the next shot on the source of the incoming transmission,”
“Yes Princess, it will be done,” she said as she turned back to her terminal and began typing commands out. She then put a headset on and began relaying the command.
“Attention, attention. Positional control team, new coordinates received, prepare to move to my mark,” she looked at the terminal briefly before going back to her command.
“Three eight, eight nine, seven seven, north. Seven seven, zero three, six six west,” Twilight finished and put her headset back in its place.
The massive ship started with a jerk that jarred those not ready, then began to slowly make its way to its new coordinates as felt by everyone on board.
Soon the clear screen replaced the window to the earth by static, then a direct feed to the White house, and the face of the President, Barack Obama. A scene of the American flag and two men in suits played out behind him.
Celestia reeled back in shock with a displeased face, then leaned over to ask a stallion on a terminal beside her.
“I thought they had evolved out of being monkeys,” she said with a hoof over her mouth.
“Yes princess, some simply have darker skin color and different features, also that is quite offensive to them...” he replied. The president could obviously hear them, but choose to remain silent, in the face of this new threat.
“Oh... Very well then. Speak human.” Celestia said as her tone went rigid.
“Thank you. I am the President of the United States, I believe I speak for the rest of the world when I say, we mean you no harm, and that your attacks will be forgiven upon your surrender,” The president said in his usual speech giving voice.
Celestia laughed. “Surrender? Ha! You are sorely mistaken president,” She let out the word ‘president’ as loosely as possible.
“We are here to purge your awful race from this universe, the so called ‘bronies’ of your world have signed the death warrant. Our mission will be complete by the end of the day,” Celestia explained.
“I can assure you we are not out for your destruction or to insult you in any way. The human race does not need to be ended, not even because of the bronies. But if you must destroy one nation, might I suggest North Korea,” Obama said calmly, trying to kill two birds with one low orbital cannon of absolute destruction.
Celestia rolled her eyes at the attempted persuasion. Hidden agendas were something she encountered too much with the nobles. It only aggravated her further.
“The armada has arrived Princess,” Twilight spoke up in between the banter. Celestia nodded as she saw the fleet of smaller battle cruisers arrive beside the cannon, but went back to her conversation anyway.
“No, you have all proven yourselves unworthy of a spot in the same galactic cluster as us. I will see fit to resolve the issue,” Celestia said with a stern, stubborn tone.
“What could the human race have possibly done to warrant such action? I can assure you that your attacks have been quite undeserved,” The president began showing signs of desperation.
“We have intercepted signals from what you call the ‘internet’. We have stumbled upon countless horrors you have committed to your own race. Not only have you seen fit to defile yourselves, but you have crossed realms into ours after we have attempted to help you,” she said as she hinted at the disgust in her voice
“Help? I don't follow,” The president shook his head questioningly.
“The one you call ‘Lauren Faust’. We had enlightened her, then gave her the mission to prepare your race for our contact. While the initial reception was promising, you took it upon yourselves to make the message of friendship and magic as fouls possible,” she reeled back in disgust of her own thoughts.
“The horrible fanfiction, the mockery of the show, the pornography. You have proven yourselves to be the perverted menace of the universe. Of the foals too? Is nothing sacred or safe from your oddly shaped penises?” she accusingly asked the president.
“For a country claiming to be free you sure do like to limit your people. No matter, I will solve this problem,” She looked down at Twilight. The nod Twilight gave and the lack of movement of the ship signified it was ready to fire.
“Fire,” Twilight hit a large red button, which really couldn't have been for much else. On the screen Celestia saw the President and the room begin to evaporate in light, before blurring out into static as the cannon roared out and shook the entire ship as its massive beam reached out to the Earth and tore a mighty hole into its crust where D.C. used to be.
“Another direct hit Princess, Target eliminated,” Celestia smiled at Twilight for her good work, thinking how she was a wonderful second in command.
“Wonderful, Twilight. Switch to next Priority target,”
“Yes Princess,” She put her headset back on and began typing furiously at her terminal before speaking again into it.
“Attention, attention. Positional control team, new coordinates received, prepare to move to my mark,” she repeated her orders once again.
“Four zero, seven one, four two, north. Seven four, zero zero, six four, west,” once she was finished, the ship lurched, and began its path to the next target.
Just then, another Princess entered the Bridge, but this one was much less formally dressed than Celestia. Luna came in excitedly with a set of big headphones connected to an odd device.
“Tia! I have been looking into the human culture and have found something quite marvelous. There may be hope for these creatures yet!” The Princess of the night said ecstatically.
“Luna, I didn't even want you to come on this mission. You needed to be looking over Equestria in my absence. You know what happened the last time we let Cadence look over the kingdom for an extended period of time,” Celestia said, clearly not wanting to deal with Luna’s shit right now.
“Just because a few thousand subjects became gay and a sexual revolution started all in a couple of weeks doesn't mean it was all because of Cadence,” Luna argued.
“Cadence had sex with well over half of those subjects and converted many of them to lesbianism in that three week period. It WAS all because of Cadence,” Celestia corrected her sister.
“Well, she is now married, so it should not be something to be worried about. The most worrisome thing she's done since is a bit of sexual deviancy with Twilight, and she's right there!” Luna pointed an accusing hoof at the mare whose brother was married to the Goddess of love. The statement brought a rigid stance from Twilight and a quite visible blush, Celestia simply brushed it off.
“No matter! I have discovered the most beautiful music their species and ours will ever hope to create! They call it ‘Metal’. Here try it, it will most certainly sway your opinion on them,” she said as she handed Celestia the headphones with the music still playing on them. Celestia put the contraption to her ear with her magic and listened to a portion of the song.
A distorted guitar rang out with a heavy note being alternate picked and power chords being played in accordance, the singer let out some beautifully crafted notes while the guitar played. Faster than a laser bullet! Louder than an atom bomb! Chromium plated boiling metal!Brighter than a thousand SUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNS! Then a wicked awesome guitar solo shredded through the next portion, to which Celestia simply handed the headphones back to her sister.
“It does not sway me, Luna,” Celestia said in a final tone.
“Oh come on, that was the most magnificent thing I have ever heard. Surely you may rethink destroying all of the humans,” Luna pleaded.
“No, Luna. My decision for complete extermination is final,”
“But Tia! At least let me enslave a couple of talented musicians, I couldn't go on living knowing the potential this has,” Luna said as she started to pout.
“I will not argue this with you any further, the humans need to be dealt with in their entirety, no less,”
Luna gave her sister a childish angry stare before stomping off back into another region of the ship muttering something about liberation.
Celestia simply shrugged off her sisters interruption and focused her attention on the newly arrived fleet of spaceships and her next course of action.
“Tell the armada to wait for my mark to land, we must destroy all major population and strategical centers before the invasion,” The Princess ordered.
“Right away,” said Twilight, as she began shouting orders into her headset at the other ships.
Interplanetary Strategic Alliance (ISA) Garrison # 835
Three hours after initial blast...
Hundreds of highly technological soldiers sat in the concrete bunker awaiting deployment. The soldiers waited patiently as a commanding officer unnecessarily went over the mission for the third time today.
“Now, we will be fighting ponies today, gentlemen. Our mission is to take the orbital cannon and permanently disable it, and capture their leader, one Princess Celestia,” The officer said as he furiously beat the the blank screen behind him with a sleek black bdsm paddle.
“We get it, just let us go already,” a soldier yelled from the back.
This particular soldiers name was Dave, and he was in a squad with two other soon to be space commandos. The other two were Rico and Otto. To distinguish between the masses, Dave was the officer of the group and wore no hat. Rico was the next level down and wore a traditional military hat with a small visor. Otto was the last man on the chain in the squad and wore a full helmet and gas mask combination. The chain of command system was determined by the reverse hat system here, supposedly.
“As soon as briefing is done soldier, Now sit your asss down,” The officer said.
Dave sat back down upset that he had already been through this. “I didn't volunteer for a suicide mission in space to hear about what I will be doing for two hours,” Dave muttered.
“We don't know the layout of the ship, so we'll be going on the fly here gentlemen,”
“Can we go now?” another soldier spouted.
“You know what? As these ponies would say, buck it,” the officer said, inciting Otto to almost pull his sidearm out and point it at the captain.
This event was strange, because to Rico and Dave, Otto almost never talked, or did much of anything for that matter. Because of this, he was designated squad verbal punching bag by the other two. They knew he would snap and go on a killing spree one day. They looked on horrified at their squadmate, not knowing why he was doing it, but knowing that now really wasn't the time.
Just as the two were crawling into each others arms scooby doo style, Otto cooled his temper and sat back down without a word.
“Have a fun war,” the officer said as he flipped a glass case open and mashed a big red button.
All of the soldiers chairs morphed and strapped them in, and subsequently attached a rocket booster to the bottom side and became the likeness of ejector seats, without parachutes. The room became a cacophony of shattering concrete and rocket boosters coming to life as the soldiers broke through the roof into the sky at breakneck speeds.
Dave attempted to talk through his and his squadmates screaming, “Where the hell are we going?!” to which the wind decided to drown out most of.
“WHAT?” Rico managed to say.
“WHAT?” Dave responded.
Dave’s question was answered as he looked up to see himself being hurled toward a giant steel pillar that was escaping the atmosphere, and was surrounded by hundreds of smaller ships. The two groups exchanged fire back and forth, with ships being blown to pieces on one side, and holes being blown into the massive ship on the other.
Looking out to the other sides of the earth, the same situation was happening to many more similar vessels that could only be identified as interplanetary dropships.
For a moment, the soldiers didn't know where they whether they were going to be a cluster of tiny kamikaze rockets, or if they were headed for the dropships for troop supports.
As they flew closer at speeds that would have made Speedy Gonzales gasp in awe, most of the soldiers suspected the former. They came within a couple hundred yards of the dropship, but their speeds were not slowing. The group waited for death as they stared at the dropship with their mouth flapping in the wind.
Just as their deaths would've been finalized, a hanger door opened and granted them entrance. Their speeds were not hampered however as the seat straps came loose and the seats were caught by some sort of invisible force, sending all of the soldiers flying forth into the hanger.
Just before meeting their inevitable death on the hard steel of the floor, a bored looking soldier with a massive device on one hand and a clipboard in the other raised the device hand and surrounded all of them with a blue glow, before putting them all in alphabetical order in the air, then standing them at attention in front of them. Instead of rigid and waiting for orders, most of the soldiers were either kissing the ground, or repenting for all of their wrongdoings.
Dave, eyes wide and having his life just flash before his eyes spoke up, “You think someone could’ve told us about that in the three hour briefing session?!”
“Save it for the higher ups. Report to the launch deck for deployment,” he said as deadpan as possible, while doodling on the clipboard.
“Can't I at least piss first?” Rico asked.
“No,” with that the soldier brought the deviced hand up again and covered the soldiers again in a blue glow, to which he shoved them all into a nearby elevator apparently going to the launch deck.
The metal clad elevator rang out with some peaceful elevator music, only interrupted by the occasional explosion.
As soon as the soldiers arrived at their destination, they were introduced to a close up of what they had viewed from the rocket chairs. The launch deck was open, and many smaller four man dropships awaited them. Out into space they could see the pony attack drones circling the ship, taking shots at whatever they could get at. The large scale of the battle and the view of the earth below almost made it a beautiful sight. Most of the soldiers stood in awe of the sight.
The appreciation was cut off when a line of bored looking soldiers began throwing equipment at them. First came the rifles, which hit most of the unsuspecting soldiers right in the face, including Dave.
Dave turned around to face his squadmates with a deathstare, “Goddamn it Otto why didn't you warn me you stupid ho,” Dave said, even though Rico was the one who was right behind him. Otto just shrugged and caught his rifle.
Dave turned around again only to be hit in the face yet again by a web of grenades. HE turned around yet again “Otto what the fuck?” Otto simply shrugged again and caught his grenades.
Dave took a moment to berate Otto with his stare, only to be met with multiple magazines to the back of the head and almost feel to the ground. As he strung out a long line of obscenities directed towards his masked teammate, Rico caught him and pushed him back into his place as he caught his supplies.
“Cut the shit Cap, we got places to be,” Rico said, Dave simply got up and obliged. Rico was the older more experienced one, but Dave went to the three week officers training, so he got to be the Captain. Also Rico liked to wear a hat.
As they made their way down the line, another soldier assigned them their dropship number. “Dropship number 14, go down lane 3 and its on the left,” with a nod they made their way to the ship.
As they jogged out of line towards their destination, a red light engulfed and swirled around the launch bay and a voice rang out over the intercom. “Pony magic detected in the launch bay, all available units to tactical positions,” the voice signified.
As per instructions, the soldiers went to a knee and brought their rifles up to bear, swinging them around maniacally waiting for something to happen.
“Ponies have magic too? What the fuck is this nonsense?” Dave asked, as he swung his rifle around.
“Only the unicorns and alicorns can use it,” Otto said through the respirator.
Dave looked at him incredulously, “First, what the fuck is an alicorn, and second, why do you know this?”
Otto didn't reply, because as Dave looked back to the center of the room, a blue swirl of magic began to form and encircle a small space, telling the soldiers that that was probably it.
As they watched the contrasting blue aura against the red lighted room, they all waited tensely with their rifles pointed at it, ready to send the voyager back to pony hell.
What appeared in the blue vortex was non other than the princess of the night. Not as she would normally be, however. She was clothed by a leather jacket with an assortment of patches and buttons, along with a bandanna. On her hind hooves she wore combat boots seemingly morphed for pony use, and metal and leather bands on her front hooves. Overall she looked like she just came out of a Megadeth concert.
She raised her hoof to greet the soldiers and bellowed out in the royal canterlot voice, “Hail Satan!” the soldiers responded with a hail of bullets at the Princess.
All of the soldiers emptied their magazines with looks of exasperated terror. When the smoke cleared, the Princess had dropped her magical shield, and looked to the soldiers, confused.
“Perhaps that wasn't the correct greeting, Hello,” she tried to say convincing as she possibly could. The soldiers reloaded their weapons, but hesitated to see what the ponies had to say.
“I have not come to kill you, I only wish to enslave the human race!” she said cheerily as if she didn't realize the meaning of her statement, she was met by yet another round of shots, to which she simply brought up her shield again.
Two more bored looking soldiers walked up to her. “Sign here please,” one said as he handed her a clip board.
“Certainly,” she said as she magically put her signature on the paper with a big smile on her face.
The other soldier handed her the regular equipment, a rifle, a helmet, grenades, and ammo. “Report to dropship number 14, go down lane 3 and its on the left, we will deploy in ten minutes,” the soldier said as if this happened every day.
“Marvelous, I will begin my expedition of help at once!” she said as she made her way to the dropship.
“Rico, which dropship is ours?” Dave asked as he looked back, but kept his eyes glued to Luna.
“Dropship 14 cap,”
“God fucking damn it, Otto,” With that they reluctantly made their way to the newly Princess supported dropship.