Vaas Montenegro Learns the Magic of Friendship

Chapters

Vaas Montenegro Learns the Definition of Insanity
Vaas Montenegro Learns that No One Fucks With Celestia
Vaas Montenegro Does Something Incredibly Stupid
Vaas Montenegro Gets Beaten Up by a Girl
Vaas Montenegro Argues With the Sun
Vaas Montenegro Kicks Ass
Vaas Montenegro Observes Nature
Vaas Montenegro Slays a Dragon
Vaas Montenegro Finally Ends This Fucking Story

Vaas Montenegro Learns the Definition of Insanity

"RUN, FORREST! RUN!"

And Jason Brody ran. Vaas watched the bastard run through the jungle, grinning, hoping he'd trip and break his neck and save his guys the trouble of blowing his head off. But soon enough, the boy disappeared into the trees.

"Go get him," Vaas said. His pirates whooped and began their chase, firing their weapons. Brody would be his in five minutes time.

But as time passed, Vaas began to feel increasingly sure that his men had failed. Again.

Vaas told one of his pirates to keep a lookout while he went to have a piss break. He went into the jungle, clambering over tree roots and bushes, and fell into a fucking hole.

Those fucking Rakyat sons of bitches. Them and their goddamn holes.

He he felt around for his pistol, found it, and holstered it. The walls and floor of the hole were made of a sort of red clay, too wet and slick to get much of a handhold.

Well, shit.

Upon turning around, Vaas saw that there was a small, narrow tunnel, leading deeper into the earth.

His natural curiosity piqued, Vaas entered the tunnel, his head lowered to avoid hitting it on the low-hanging ceiling. As he went deeper into the tunnel, the light began to diminish, soon disappearing entirely. Vaas wandered in perpetual darkness for several minutes, before his right foot found open air in front of him. He stepped back, startled, and tripped as the heel of his boot caught in the clay. The empty air in front of him must have been another pit.

Huh. A hole in a hole. Go figure.

Vaas got up and crouched, preparing to leap across the hole. He jumped, and his head struck the ceiling. Pain roared through his skull. He saw stars, and found himself tumbling into space. There was darkness all around him, and none of his flailing limbs found any contact with any solid surfaces. He didn't know which way was up or down. He began to laugh hysterically. What a strange way to die.

And then there was light all around him, and he could see the ground spinning up towards him, a blur of green. He landed on something, something warm, and... Feathery. His face was buried in a soft and fluffy material. He lifted his head, and saw a cyan-blue thing staring at him. It screamed, and he screamed right back. Only then did Vaas notice that the thing was flying, and he was still hundreds of feet above the ground.

The creature skyrocketed upward. Vaas gripped on for dear life as it did a complete one-eighty and shot towards the ground. Right before they impacted, the creature righted itself so that it was parallel with the earth. Vaas could see a lake in the distance, rapidly approaching. Just as they flew over it, the creature did a barrel roll, and Vaas lost his grip. He tumbled across the surface of the water like a flat stone, finally sinking beneath the surface. The shock of the cold water jarred him back to his senses, and he managed to resurface soon after he went under. He gasped for breath, and swam to the nearest part of shore.

As he dragged himself onto the muddy ground, Vaas could see through blurred vision more of the technicolor things- they almost looked like horses- converging on his position. Vaas didn't know what their intent was, and he didn't really feel like finding out.

He pushed himself onto one wobbling knee, and drew his dripping 1911 handgun, which, miraculously, was still in its holster. With a shaky hand, he lined up his crosshairs on a particularly brutish-looking red horse-thing, and pulled the trigger. Somehow, Vaas kept his weak grip on the gun despite the recoil, and he saw blood splatter as his shot hit home, square in the creature's neck. It staggered, let out a short grunt of pain, and collapsed. He could feel his head swimming, his vision blurring; he managed to slide his gun back into its holster, more from habit than conscious action.

Vaas fell forwards and lapsed into unconsciousness, barely aware of the screams around him.

***

Vaas pounded on the cell bars, again and again. He pushed, he pulled, he slammed his whole body against the bars, to no avail. Vaas threw himself against his confines, one last desperate time, and sank to the ground, breathing heavily. His guard, a large gray stallion with what appeared to be an ornate prosthetic leg- Vaas guessed he was some sort of veteran- in ornate gold and sapphire-blue armor, chuckled with amusement, leaning on his spear.

He turned his head to look at Vaas, smirking, and said, "Do you know the definition of insanity? The true definition?" When Vaas didn't answer, the stallion continued. "Insanity is doing the exact same thing, over and over again, and expecting a different outcome." He laughed, as if this was incredibly amusing.

Vaas contemplated this for a moment, and laughed as well. "What's your name?" he asked.

"Lieutenant Colonel Sharpened Sword," the guard said. "What's it to you?"

"A Lieutenant Colonel on guard duty..." Vaas scoffed; as if rank meant anything to him. To Vaas, he was just a guard. Suddenly it occurred to him that the guard had said his name was Sharpened Sword. Surely he must have misheard. "Wait, what was that last bit?"

"Sharpened Sword," he said, annoyed. "And I'm only on guard duty because the Princess requested me especially."

"Sharpened Sword..." he paused. "What kind of horseshit name is that?-" the guard jammed the butt of his spear through the bars, hitting Vaas square in the gut. He grunted in pain, fell over on his back, and folded his arms around his stomach, cringing.

"... Ow," he said. "But seriously, what the fuck-" the guard thrust the butt of the spear through the bars again... only to have it torn from his grip as Vaas lunged forward and wrenched it away. The guard lost his balance and fell. Quick and silent as a snake, Vaas thrust the spear point forward and placed it flat-side-down on the guard's throat, with just enough force to cut off airflow. The terrified stallion attempted to scream, but all that came out was a hoarse rasp.

Ha. Hoarse.

"If you unlock this door," Vaas said, as calmly and casually as if he were merely making idle conversation with his would-be captor, "I will let you live. I will not even try to stop you if you call your friends for help." The stallion's face was darkening in color, frozen with terror. "All you have to do is turn a key and run away." He raised the spear, and the guard gasped loudly for air, clawing at his throat. "If you make a sound between now and then, I will kill you. When your friends come searching for your body, I will kill them too. I will kill every. Fucking. Horse. On this planet. I'll end up getting out eventually either way. Now, up. Come on, up." The stallion didn't move. "I said UP! HEY! YOU FUCK! GET THE FUCK UP OR I'LL CUT OFF YOUR DICK AND FEED IT TO MY DOGS! OKAY? DON'T THINK I WON'T!" The guard scrambled to his feet, heaving. He stumbled over to the far side of the room, shuddered, and retched up a yellow-red slime, spattering the stone walls and floor of the dungeon.

Agonizingly slowly, the guard made his way to the cell door, stopping every now and then to cough up more blood and mucus. The rusty iron hinges screamed as the door was opened, finally coming to a stop. Vaas stepped out, breathing deeply.

"Thank you," he said.

The guard took a deep, shuddering breath. "HELP!-" the scream ended in a gurgle as the bullet exited his neck. The only weapon that the guards had taken off of Vaas was his knife; pointy equals bad, after all. No one knew what his gun was, so they left it on him.

The guard's eyes were wide and pleading as they stared at Vaas, conveying both terror and sorrow. They clearly said Why?

"I'm sorry..." Vaas began. "I'm sorry, I don't... Like the way... You are looking at me!... Okay?!" He pulled the trigger once more, spattering more blood on the walls. Lieutenant Colonel Sharpened Sword fell to the floor, dead.

"Do you have..." BANG!

"A fucking problem in your head?" BANG!

"FUCK YOU!" BANG!

BANG! BANGBANGBANGCLICK!

The magazine was empty.

The deceased guard's upper torso was a mess of blood and gore. Blood pooled on the floor, pouring from the stallion's mouth and nostrils as well as the bullet wounds themselves.

Breathing rapidly, eves wide, Vaas ejected the pistol's magazine and let it fall to the floor. Fumbling at his belt, he found his extra magazine-holders and extracted a new clip. He slid it into the chamber and cocked the gun.

His boots were bloody. His pants were bloody... Everything... Everything was bloody.

He could hear the distant clip-clop of hooves on stone.

More were coming.

The room he was in had two entrances, two torch-lit stone hallways on either side of the room. The way that sound echoed, it was hard to tell which hall the reinforcements were coming from.

It was only then that Vaas realized what exactly was happening: he was fighting horses... Armed horses... And in all likelihood, he was probably going to die. Because he couldn't shoot a few fucking equines. He almost wished that Hoyt could see him now. He'd probably think it was the funniest damn thing he'd ever seen.

He peeked his head out into the hallway on the right.

A gilded javelin flew past his head, taking his right ear and a good chunk of his face with it.

At first there was only the cold sensation of the cool dungeon air on the exposed flesh... And then the pain. It was an agony beyond any he'd faced in his life.

He fell forward onto his knees, into plain sight of his pursuers. He screamed as blood poured from his wound onto the floor, only to have it end in a grunt as the second javelin took him in the stomach.

He groped at the wound, pulling on the spear's shaft only to have blinding agony erupt through his abdomen.

"For Celestia!" he heard. Others took up the cry, "For Celestia!"

He didn't know who Celestia was... But she sounded like a cunt.

The last thing Vaas Montenegro knew was the cold... Only the cold...

Vaas Montenegro Learns that No One Fucks With Celestia

Everyone seemed to think Vaas was dead.

He heard it as he was being carried to his fate, the spear shaft still jutting from his stomach: "Sweet Celestia, he's dead..."

He heard it in the throne room: "He's dead, Your Highness."

He heard it as he was roughly tossed into a hole in the ground: "Are you sure he's dead?..."

"Definitely."

Well, he wasn't. Not yet, anyway. He couldn't see anything, but he could hear, although everything seemed muffled. That was good, at least. He'd need to reveal himself to be alive soon, but he couldn't seem to make any real noise. His entire body had been hastily wrapped in bandage-like material after his initial death pronunciation, in preparation for his presentation to the Princess. This made it almost impossible to breathe. His mind was swimming from lack of oxygen. The spear had been left in.

"We should probably take the spear out, don't you think?"

Oh shit.

He felt some sort of warm energy take hold of him, lifting him from his would-be grave, and nearly blacked out from pain as the javelin was wrenched from his abdomen. Realizing that some of his innards had been pulled out with it, he was overcome with a wave of nausea. He would have thrown up, but his insides didn't seem to be working right anymore. There was new blood in his mouth, so perhaps that was good enough in place of vomit. He could feel fluid pouring from his stomach, and he began convulsing. To his own surprise, he began screaming bloody murder.

After several seconds of this, he began to choke on his own blood, coughing it onto the rest of his face and soaking the bandages around his head.

Well, at least they new he was alive now.

His body twitched into the fetal position, preparing for the inevitable barrage of spears to assail his body and take whatever life he had left. None came.

"... He's alive."

No shit.

"Should we just kill him?-"

"No! We can't. You remember how angry the Princess was when we attacked him the first time. Surely, someone must have heard him screaming; we can't risk Princess Celestia finding out that we had to kill him again. She might even be watching us right now, for all we know. All we can do now is take him to her."

Only then did they seem to notice that his lifeblood was pouring from him in bloody torrents.

"He's dying!"

No shit.

He felt the strange energy wrap around him once more. An immensely uncomfortable sensation spread through his abdomen, almost like the pins-and-needles feeling of when a limb falls asleep, only amplified; the pain diminished, but in no way disappeared. He felt the fluid cease to flow from his stomach. He was then lifted onto what could only have been one of the guard's backs.

With every step the guard took, a jolt of agony erupted through Vaas's torso. He whimpered, and then realized with an even more painful jolt that he had just whimpered. Vaas Montenegro, Lord of Rook Island, master of hundreds of men, just whimpered from a little pain.

And then the guard stumbled, and he fell to the rocky ground. A large stone drove itself through the bandages, straight into the hole in Vaas's stomach.

And then he blacked out.

***

"What is your name?"

Vaas said nothing. He was nauseous enough as it was; the last thing he wanted was to open his mouth.

"I shall ask again," Princess Celestia said. "What is your name?"

Her tone was kind but severe, as if he were a child that needed scolding.

Again, Vaas remained silent.

"Human, my patience is infinite. We shall do this all day if you do not answer, and all of tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. Now, what is your name?"

True to her word, when Vaas refused to answer, Celestia continued to ask. For hours she played her game; her apparent indifference was maddening. Her tone never changed; she never wavered in her patience.

Dusk was approaching, and she asked once more, "What is your name?"

And then Vaas snapped.

"VAAS FUCKING MONTENEGRO, YOU STUPID! FUCKING! CUNT! WHO DO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU ARE?! I'M VAAS! NO ONE FUCKS WITH ME AND LIVES! GOT IT?! WHEN I GET OUTTA HERE I'M GONNA BRING MY BOYS BACK AND WE'RE GOING TO KILL EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU!" he managed to push himself to his feet. In the shock of his outburst, the nearest guard didn't even try to stop him as Vaas wrenched the spear from his grasp and hurled it at Celestia.

She smiled.

The spear took her in the throat, and shattered. Shards of hardwood and metal flew across the room; one caught Vaas in the shoulder, further contributing to his injuries. One guard screamed as a fragment of gilded steel ripped through his leg, but Celestia healed it before the guard hit the ground.

Vaas lay on the floor, writhing, vomiting up what little was in his stomach. He remained unaided.

"My name is Princess Celestia," the goddess said. "I have been here since the dawn of Equestria. I have waged war, forged peace, and kept it for thousands of years. To put it in a way that you would perhaps understand..."

Celestia rose from her throne, and descended the crimson carpeted steps down the the floor. She knelt beside Vaas.

"... No one fucks with me."

And then she healed him.

While the guard's healing magic had felt rough and uncomfortable, the energy that surrounded Vaas felt as warm and tender as a lover's caress. All his wounds closed and faded into scars.

"I hope you're well aware of that fact now," Princess Celestia said, almost sadly. "I do hate to see pain and suffering on my behalf."

... So she wasn't just a cunt. She was a sentimental cunt. That was even worse.

"Now," she said, her manner turning businesslike, her tone betraying a hint of unease. "Vaas Montenegro the Human, on behalf of Equestria, I am here to beg for your help."

Vaas Montenegro Does Something Incredibly Stupid

The request rang across the room like a gunshot. Vaas himself was shocked; he had been expecting the death penalty, at the very least.

He wasn't sure whether or not he was glad of the change.

"Celestia!" a voice pierced the silence, and a midnight blue mare strolled indignantly into the room. She had the wings of a pegasus and the horn of a unicorn... Just like Celestia.

Oh Jesus Fuck, there's two of them.

"Luna," Celestia said. Jesus, are there no normal names around here? "This is Vaas. He's here to help us with our problem."

Princess Luna's already dark face turned a shade darker. "Sister, you swore to never speak of that-"

"Not, dear sister," Celestia said. "Not... Not that problem. Our problem. Equestria's problem."

"Oh," Luna said, staring at the ground and shuffling her feet. "Regardless... You would trust this... This... Creature..."

"This creature's still in the room, bitch," Vaas said politely.

"... This creature, who murdered Sharp--I mean, who murdered one of your own Royal Guardsmen, to defend the realm?"

"I feel like I'm being judged," Vaas said.

Luna rounded on him.

"Hold thy tongue!" she growled. "Or I shall tear it out!"

Vaas stuck out his tongue and pinched it in his thumb and index finger. "Like thith?"

Luna reared, snarling, but a barrier of energy sent forth from Celestia's horn prevented her from charging at Vaas.

Vaas was still pinching his tongue. "Did I thtwike a nuhve?"

"Do as my sister says, human," Celestia commanded.

"I am!" Vaas said, wiggling his tongue.

Celestia nodded to one of her guards. Before Vaas could react, the shaft of the guard's spear was slammed into the back of his head. All he saw was red; and then the pain came, agonizing at first, but quickly receding to a dull ache behind his eyes.

When he looked up, Luna was weeping openly into her sister's shoulder. Everyone in the room except Celestia appeared extremely uncomfortable.

"It's all my fault..." Luna was saying. "I was the one that suggested he guard the human! 'There's no one more qualified than you,' I told him. 'Standing around is all you do these days anyway.' It was supposed to be a joke, Celestia! We were going to laugh about it afterwards!" she tried to stifle her sobs to whisper what came next, but it carried through the hall anyway. "What about the baby, Celestia? How can I raise it without a father?"

There was an audible gasp from the back of the hall. Even the guards looked stunned, though they did their best not to show it.

"She's PREGNANT?!" came a sharp cry from the back of the hall. "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!!!"

"Pinkie, SHUT UP!" said a softer voice.

"Great, now they know we're here," said another.

Celestia looked towards the origin of the voices.

"Twilight Sparkle," she said. "Step forward."

Vaas turned to look. Six ponies emerged from various pieces of cover; two pegasi, one cyan and the other yellow, came out of a shrub by the hall's entrance, along with a white unicorn and two regular ponies, one pink and one orange, who crawled out from under a stone bench; finally, a lavender pony with both a horn and wings like those of the two Princesses, along with what appeared to be a small purple dinosaur, emerged from an adjacent shrub on the other side of the entrance. She and the other five slowly approached the throne.

"Yes, Princess," the lavender pony said, clearly ashamed of her actions.

Celestia smiled. "I am not angry, Twilight. No doubt your insatiable curiosity was sparked upon the mentioning of a human here in the castle. But these are grave matters, not to be trifled with by those such as yourselves."

"Enough!" Luna shrieked, hysterical, causing the six ponies to quake in fear. The dinosaur had hid behind the white unicorn's hindquarters, but he was still visible, and judging by the look on his face, his eyes glued upwards and his mouth hanging open, he wasn't too unhappy about his current position.

God, is everyone here fucked up?

"Is this creature going to answer for his crimes, or are we going to let him stroll out of the castle and entrust to him the safety of Equestria? How do we know he won't go take more innocent lives?!"

"My sister raises a valid point, Vaas the Human," Celestia said. "How do we know we can trust you?"

"Well..." Vaas said, standing. "Me, I'm dishonest." Celestia raised an eyebrow as Vaas began to slowly back away, waving his arms for emphasis. "And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you've got to watch out for, because you never know when they're going to do something incredibly... Stupid." Faster than anyone in the room could have believed, Vaas kicked the lavender Alicorn's legs out from under her, caught her in a headlock, and drew his 1911 pistol in one fluid motion, putting the barrel against her right temple. He raised it long enough to fire two shots at the ceiling, causing bits of debris to fall, demonstrating what his pistol could do. As he put it back against the pony's head, he began to slowly walk away towards the exit.

"Now!" he screamed. "In exchange for this bitch's life, I want these two immediately removed from power!" he gestured at Celestia and Luna, who were standing openmouthed. "I will take up the rule, and I will reign over this petty fucking land! Henceforth, I shall be known only as Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All!"

He paused, letting this sink in.

"Nah, I'm just kidding," he yelled, chuckling. "I'll help you guys out. I take it that I am your last hope, and without me you are completely and royally fucked, am I right? Of course I am." He began laughing hysterically. "And you know what the best part of diplomatic immunity is?..." Vaas pulled the trigger, spraying the wall to his left with the Alicorn's blood, brains, and skull. The five remaining ponies screamed, but Celestia simply stood there, her mouth wide open, a single shimmering tear running down her face. Vaas grinned. "You can't do a single fucking thing about it."

Author's Note

I wonder if this is how George R.R. Martin feels every time he kills off a character in his books. Because I have to say, it feels pretty fucking good. I surprised even myself with the ending there. :twilightsmile:

Vaas Montenegro Gets Beaten Up by a Girl

The puddle of red slowly crept across the floor, to the horror of the onlookers. The guards had abandoned all pretense of stoicism; many had their mouths hanging wide open, while others simply stared in wide-eyed silent horror. Several had tears running down their faces.

The five remaining ponies wept openly, screaming, sobbing into one another's shoulders. The purple dinosaur held the white unicorn, who clung to him like a child with a blanket, screaming, while the small reptilian stroked her mane and whispered sweet soothing words into her ear. He was the only one who seemed not to be panicking. He seemed perfectly calm, at ease, as if this what he was made to do, comforting this unicorn. Whether this was the calm brought on by shock, or simply unapologetic apathy, Vaas could not determine.

It was a bit unnerving.

Vaas dropped the corpse; what was left of her cranium hit the floor with a sickening crunch. Breathing heavily, Vaas looked down to see that one of the forelegs was still twitching, jerking in small spasms. He lowered the 1911 pistol and emptied the rest of the magazine into the body. The leg stopped twitching, and Vaas slid in a new clip.

Celestia was clearly trying to maintain her composure. Her jaw was clenched and her legs were locked. The image of calm was ruined by the steady stream of tears flowing from her eyes.

Luna, on the other hand, was visibly shaking in silent rage. She stared at Vaas with a burning hatred that would have caused a greater man than him to quake in fear; there were, however, no greater men than Vaas, and he simply smirked at the Princess of the Night.

"Good heavens, what is all the commotion about?" a voice asked. Vaas whirled around, to see a white unicorn stallion wearing a black tuxedo lapel and bow tie approaching. After raising a foreleg to brush a strand of his straw-colored mane off of his forehead, he swaggered over to Vaas, surveying him and his dirty skin, tattered clothing, and many scars, with what could only be described as pure loathing. He looked towards Celestia. "Aunt, what on earth is this... Thing?"

Vaas decided that he hated him. This fucker needed to die.

Celestia raised her foreleg to her face in what could only be the equine equivalent of a facepalm, and began to quietly sob.

Only then did the stallion seem to notice the gory mess on the floor. "Oh, disgusting!" he screamed, his swaggering nature all but gone. He scrambled to get away from it, and ended up tripping over himself, sprawling facefirst on the floor.

"Someone..." he said, panting. "Someone clean this... mess... Up! Now!"

"How about a little respect for the deceased?" Vaas said, gesturing towards the corpse, kicking a small piece of brain matter away as it floated toward him in the puddle of blood.

"I don't care who it was, I just want it gone!" the unicorn screamed.

Vaas rolled his eyes and cocked his gun, preparing to blow this fucker away, when a quiet voice spoke up.

"Blueblood..." the white unicorn said, pushing the dinosaur away from her. She was trembling, and the hatred in her eyes was equal to that of Luna. "You... Insolent..." She took a step forward, her voice rising in volume. "Miserable..." Another step. "Sniveling..." Step. "Self-absorbed..." Step. "Fucking..." She was practically nose-to-nose with the stallion. "RUFFIAN!"

She raised her foreleg.

Cries of "Rarity, no!", "He's not worth it!", "Don't do it, sugarcube!", and "Kill that fucker!" arose from the four other ponies.

Rarity's strike took the stallion across the face; there was a splendid crunching noise as his nose broke, and blood sprayed onto Rarity's white coat, dripping down to mix with the puddle on the floor. Blueblood recoiled backwards, but Rarity kept on advancing, landing each blow in a furious whirlwind. Blueblood fell to the floor, battered, bruised, and bleeding, but Rarity just kept on hitting him. Her forelegs were covered in blood, and Blueblood's face was naught but a bloody pulp with eyes. Amused, Vaas raised his pistol and idly used it to scratch one of the scars on his head.

Rarity stopped her assault, backing away a step, breathing heavily. Tears fell from her eyes, mingling with the blood on her face, but she wore a look of such utter satisfaction that Vaad couldn't help but admire her. Blueblood started to cry, heaving great pathetic sobs. Rarity stared at him in disgust, and jerked her foreleg forward, straight into the stallion's crotch. There was a noise that made all of the stallions in the room, Vaas included, shudder; it sounded almost like a raw piece of steak slapping against a table. Vaas didn't even want to imagine what Blueblood was feeling. Blueblood screamed, a raw, visceral sound of pure agony, until Rarity raised her hoof one final time and brought it down on his throat. His cries ended abruptly, and he began to writhe on the ground, his face darkening. He clawed at his neck, trying to draw breath.

This had gone on long enough. Sighing, Vaas raised his pistol and fired a bullet into what remained of Blueblood's skull. The gasps stopped.

And then, Rarity turned her head to look at Vaas.

... Oh shit.

She snarled, her horn glowing with purple energy, and a bolt of white lightning arced towards Vaas. It struck him in the stomach, and he doubled over in pain, falling to the floor. Blood soaked into his clothing, splashing all over his face and into his mouth. He tried to draw breath, but inhaled the stuff into his lungs, choking and retching.

Rarity was preparing another bolt of energy.

His gun.

He'd dropped his gun.

Still gagging, his hand fumbled around on the floor, finally coming to rest on the rough grip of his pistol. He grabbed it and rolled, narrowly avoiding being hit by the second bolt. He raised himself to a crouching position, and raised the gun, lining up the unicorn in his sites.

And then something hit him in the back of his head with the force of a freight train, and he fell to the floor once again, barely conscious, pain roaring in his skull.

Vaas raised his head to see the white form of Rarity standing over him, head lowered, horn buzzing as it charged.

He closed his eyes, but death never came.

"It's okay, Sugarcube," a voice said. "I got him. Everything's gonna be okay. I got him."

And then the sobbing started afresh, the unicorn's cries of anguish echoing across the room. It was the last thing Vaas heard.

Vaas Montenegro Argues With the Sun

The chains... Were too damn tight.

As was to be expected, Vaas supposed. He was in prison, after all. He was cold, and hungry, and soaked in a cold sweat from the strain of supporting his weight. But, hey. At least no one had asked him to pick up the soap yet.

Yet.

The room he was in was made of smooth stone but for the large oak door, windowless, and perpetually dark. He had awoken to the trickle of blood down his arms, the chains cutting into his wrists as he hung by his arms from the ceiling, some six feet above the ground. He realized shortly afterwards that he was naked.

Since then, the flow of blood from his wrists had barely ceased, only relenting when he forced himself not to move for long periods of time. He simply hung his head, closed his eyes, and waited for his next meal.

Vaas knew there was no escaping his confines this time. And he had tried; oh, how he had tried. His screaming and writhing did naught but increase the pain in his wrists. He could only imagine how his hands looked; blackened, surely, from lack of blood-flow. He could barely feel them.

He did not know how long he had been in the cell. At first, he kept track of time by the meals he ate; three to a day. But soon, the count passed into into the double-digit marks, and he lost track. He could no longer tell what was breakfast, lunch, and dinner, as it was all the same food anyway, a cold, lumpy gruel with bits of meat thrown in.

When he needed to shit, he shat. When he felt the urge to piss, he pissed. The floor was slanted slightly, so any fluids would run down into a drain below him. Once, he had become so horribly sick from undernourishment that he forcibly vomited up the contents of his stomach immediately after the guard had fed him, spattering the floor and the guard himself with bloody partially-digested food. The stallion had stormed off in a rage, and no one had come to clean the mess up, leaving Vaas with the stink of urine, shit, and vomit.

After what could only have been months of imprisonment, his cell door opened, and burning torchlight streamed through. Vaas did not lift his head; he merely opened his mouth, preparing for the first bite of his meal.

"Vaas Montenegro."

Vaas snapped his head up, his bloodshot eyes wide and staring. Princess Celestia stood in the doorway, the torchlight dancing in her ice-cold eyes.

"We spared your life for the sole reason of needing your help. This has not changed."

Vaas stared at her, his jaw hanging open slightly.

"You will help us. You will succeed. And when the threat is dealt with... When the Underworld is... Ashes... Then... You have my permission to die."

The Underworld?

Vaas worked his jaw, trying to find the right words.

Celestia waited, motionless as a statue. It seemed they were once again playing their game.

"... Could someone wipe my ass for me, please?" he pleaded. "You cannot imagine how crusty it is down there."

Celestia wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"You shall be... Taken care of... Once you are released."

"Oh thank God..." Vaas sighed.

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "God?"

"It's a fucking metaphor or some shit like that. Now... Did I hear you right? You mentioned something about the Underworld?"

"Yes," Celestia confirmed. "An army of the Dead, rising from Tartarus, led by the demon king Mephistopheles."

"... And what do you want me to do about it?"

"I want you to kill them."

Well, how fucking original.

"And what makes you think that I am capable of such a feat?" he asked mockingly. "Why not send one of your Unicorn Special Forces or some shit?"

"You have that... Thing."

Vaas looked down.

"That?" he asked. "Jesus, Princess, I mean, it's powerful, but I don't know if I can fuck the demon lord of Tartarus to death with it."

"No..." Celestia said, cringing. "Not... Not your genitals. The thing that you... Murdered... Twilight with."

"Who's Twilight?"

Celestia's eyes narrowed in rage. The room seemed to grow brighter, and Celestia herself taller. Although the light was an improvement, a new atmosphere seemed to enter the room, one reminiscent of the smells of burning flesh, sulfur and brimstone, and the acrid stench of black smoke. Her eyes closed, and she took a deep breath. The magic ended abruptly, and the room went back to it's cool, damp, dark self.

"Twilight Sparkle," she said. "was the Alicorn whose brains you splattered against the wall in my throne room. You're going to use the weapon that you murdered Twilight with to defeat Mephistopheles."

Vaas was silent for a moment.

"... My gun?"

"Yes, your... Gun."

"You want me to defeat the demon lord of Tartarus and his armies by shooting them with my gun."

"Yes."

He pondered this, and burst out laughing.

"Princess..." he said, as tears of mirth rolled down his cheek. "You truly are the stupidest fucking cunt I've ever met."

Celestia did not smile.

"And I will explain why that is," Vaas continued. "after I have been freed from these chains, I have had a decent meal, and my ass has been wiped."

***

Celestia did all these things for him, and more. No hospitality was denied to him. The first thing he did was go the the lavatory and ruin a perfectly good wet washcloth; two Unicorn mares came into his chambers soon after and gave him a soft black robe to wear, which had to have been made just for him; then he was led to the banquet hall, where Equestrian delicacies of every kind were served to him. Then, when his stomach was full to bursting and he felt like vomiting from the richness of the food, he ordered a straight razor and shaved off the rough beard that he had grown in his confinement.

When he was satisfied, he was led by two of the Royal Guard to his chambers to find Celestia waiting for him, sitting on a purple velvet cushion. Beside her, on a smaller black cushion, was Vaas's 1911 pistol. Vaas was surprised to note that it had been polished to a shine.

He also noted that the magazine chamber was empty. There appeared to be no extra mags in the room.

"Princess," Vaas said, slowly, as if talking to a particularly dull child. "Where are the magazines for my gun?"

"Your magazines?" Celestia said, apparently caught off guard by the question. "I do not see what magazines have to do with your weapon."

"Not reading magazines, Celestia," Vaas said, seething. "Gun magazines. The little metal containers that I keep my ammunition in. They were on my belt."

"All of your personal articles besides your weapon were burned."

"Why?"

Celestia smirked. "They were too dirty."

"You idiotic bitch!" Vaas screamed. Celestia's smile disappeared. "I can't shoot my gun without my ammunition! How am I supposed to kill your fucking armies from Hell is I can't shoot my goddamn gun?!"

"Oh," Celestia said.

Vaas screamed at her just pure, incoherent, vocalized rage.

"We have swords and shields," Celestia suggested. "As well as maces, spears, and axes, and any armor you could ever wish to have. Trust me, Vaas the Human. You shall not want for weaponry. Relax."

Vaas stared at her for a moment, and abruptly sat on the floor.

"Okay," he said. "I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed."

He closed his eyes.

"Now," he said. "Where is the rest of the Fellowship of the Ring? It's pretty obvious I can't do this alone."

"Fellowship of the Ring?" Celestia cocked her head. "Once again, I'm afraid I do not understand-"

"Forget it," Vaas interrupted. "I'm not traveling alone, right?"

"No," Celestia said. "You shall have six companions to assist you."

Vaas laughed mirthlessly. "You... You expect me to defeat the Army of Darkness with only six companions?"

"No," she said. "I expect you to defeat the Army of Darkness by yourself, with the six companions there only to ensure your arrival at the gates of Hell. They are expendable. You, however much it may pain me to say so, are not."

Vaas stopped smiling.

"Mephistopheles's power," Celestia explained. "is the only thing keeping his army alive. His demon soldiers are created purely out of the dark energy that Mephistopheles himself naturally generates. Eliminate him- kill the main power source- and his legions of monsters will die with him."

"Why me?" Vaas asked, in all seriousness. "Why does this have to be me?"

"You are a warrior," Celestia said. For a moment, she almost sounded like his sister. If filled Vaas's heart with longing for home, and more importantly, for Citra. "More so than anyone in the realm. If anyone can do this, it is you."

"I don't know the way," he said. "How am I supposed to get there? Where is the Underworld, exactly?"

"The gates of Hell," Celestia said. "Are literally at the bottom of the world. Equestria is in the northern hemisphere of the earth, while Mephistopheles's kingdom is in the farthest reaches of the southern hemisphere, in the Night Lands, where no living soul treads. There is no road that leads there, only a direction: south. Anyone who journeys in that direction long enough will wind up there eventually. Whether you are still living when you arrive, however, is a different story."

Vaas pondered this, journeying all the way across the world, when suddenly, a thought struck him.

"How do you know about this?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, how do you know about this impending attack if it's clear across the world?"

"My sister has informed me," Celestia answered. "Her dominion is in the night, and she sees where I cannot: the Night Lands themselves. I myself thought that Mephistopheles and his kingdom of the damned were mere legends, until Luna told me otherwise."

"And you trust your sister with this information?"

"I would trust my sister with my life."

Vaas was silent for a long while.

"When do I leave?" he finally asked.

"As soon as the preparations are made," Celestia replied. "We will have you fitted for armor and allow you to peruse the armory for any weapons of your choosing. The other six are making similar preparations."

"And just who are these other companions?" Vaas asked, almost dreading the answer.

"Miss Fluttershy," Celestia answered. "Miss Pinkie Pie, Miss Applejack, Miss Rainbow Dash, Spike the Dragon-"

"Oh, he's a dragon..." Vaas said, mostly to himself. "Of course he's a fucking dragon..."

"- and..." Celestia continued. "Miss Rarity."

Vaas froze.

"No," he said. "Not that bitch. Not that fucking cunt. Anyone but her."

"I'm afraid she's the only option. Next to you, these six are the most qualified ponies in Equestria, besides, perhaps, Luna and myself."

"So why don't you go, bitch?" Vaas asked through gritted teeth.

This time, it was Celestia who was silent.

"I simply cannot," she said, closing her eyes. "If I were to not return... The consequences would be too great and terrible to imagine."

"And that brings up another point," Vaas said. "Can you promise that I will come back?"

Another silence.

"No," Celestia said. "And if you do, you will not be the same."

The sentence hung in the air like a fog, clouding Vaas's thought process. He put his fingers to his temple and closed his eyes, trying to think of what to say next.

"These six others who are going with me," Vaas began. "Do you care for them?"

Celestia stiffened. "Yes," she answered.

"You realize that I can't guarantee their safety."

She nodded grimly, but there was pain in her eyes as she said, "As I said... They are expendable."

They locked eyes, and suddenly, there was no more that needed to be said. Vaas picked up his now useless pistol and walked towards the door, but thought better of it before exiting. He turned, and tossed the piece of metal down in front of Celestia. "Keep it," he said coldly. "I don't need the fucking thing anymore."

He stormed out of the room.

"Cunt," he muttered.

Vaas Montenegro Kicks Ass

Vaas discovered two things very, very quickly that day. Number one: swords were heavy. Number two: Armor was really, really heavy.

He shrugged his shoulders inside his steel pauldrons, the bare skin rubbing against the soft leather lining. Within a few hours, it would begin to chafe, Vaas was sure of it. He knew he should have asked for some sort of undershirt to wear, but it had slipped his mind up until the moment the strapped everything on. His armor was essentially all the same; plain plated steel with leather lining. His pauldrons, boots, and gauntlets were done in the lobstered fashion, jagged circlets of steel overlapping each other to form the piece. This allowed for greater flexibility, apparently. The cuirass was a single-piece, wrapping all the way around his torso and over his shoulder. On either side of his neck there were fasteners for his cloak, a beautiful, luscious, hooded black fur cloak that hung nearly down to the ground.

All in all, he struck a very imposing figure, as his squire (that was what they insisted on calling the poor boy, a tiny thing by the name of Pipsqueak who seemed to want nothing more than to help Vaas put his armor on) was quick to point out. Surveying himself in the mirror, he had to admit that his custom armor made him look even more badass than usual. The way it hugged his body as if it had been made for him- which it had- almost made up for the fact that it was so damn heavy.

The simple act of walking was nearly exhausting to Vaas, let alone trying to swing a sword, which he tried to effectively do without success. It didn't help that the sword itself must have weighed an additional fifteen pounds; another custom piece, this beast of a weapon was done in the hand-and-a-half style, making it effective in both one-handed and two-handed combat. The hilt was done in black leather, and the pommel was enameled in gold. The blade itself was an ornate masterpiece of what appeared to be intertwining poison ivy leaves etched into the steel, running from the base all the way to the tip. When the blacksmith had given it to him, the grizzled old stallion had chuckled and said, "This one's a special request from the Princess. Never done anything quite like it. The sword's name- and this is per Celestia's request, mind you- is Arsewiper." Vaas had roared with laughter when he heard the name, and thanked the stallion earnestly.

No matter how splendid the thing was, however, it just felt like dead weight in his hands. When he tried to swing at a straw practice dummy, he could not even make it follow through; instead, the sword dropped from his hands before the blade hit. He fumbled at it on the ground, and couldn't seem to get a decent enough grip to pick it back up. Always, though, after a failure, Pipsqueak was there, to say in his annoyingly adorable Cockney accent, "Don't worry, sir, give it another go, you'll do alright." Vaas found it hard to resent the little guy.

One day, after a particularly bad practice session, Vaas looked up to find Princess Luna standing in the doorway, her eyes still burning with contempt.

"Hmmph," she grunted. "And we're trusting you to defend the realm."

He kept staring at the doorway long after Luna departed, sweat dripping down his face, only looking away when Pipsqueak said, "Look, sir, look 'ere! You nicked him in his neck! You're makin' more progress e'ry day, sir!"

Vaas smiled at him.

***

It was a brisk morning. Vaas sat on the stone bench, letting the sunlight warm him as he polished his sword with an oilcloth. By this time the blade was covered in little nicks and scratches from many days of hard training, as was his armor. After moving on from practice dummies, he had discovered that the ponies were surprisingly skilled at wielding a blade, somehow maneuvering it in their hooves, slicing and dicing at Vaas as well as any human could.

They had started with blunted training swords; Vaas had initially been dominated by even the lowest-ranking of soldiers, but soon started proving himself an able warrior when the recruits could no longer best him. Then, he had moved on to a stronger breed of opponent, seasoned war veterans, every one of them infinitely better than Vaas at the art of swordplay. This time, it seemed he would never improve. The viciously relentless combatants often scoffed as they stood over him, sword points at his throat, gloating over their victory. Each day he would go back to his chambers, constantly wincing at fresh bruises.

But, there was one advantage that he had that he refused to show- not yet, anyway- he learned. Every fight taught him a new lesson, every cut told him what not to do. He refused to show it in his fights, embarrassing though it may be. He knew that learning those small techniques fight-by-fight wouldn't help him if he recklessly unleashed the small amount he'd learned on every new opponent. He had to wait until there was nothing left for him to learn, no new techniques to stow away in his mind. Then, he would show then what he could do. And one day, his chance finally came.

When he awoke that morning, he knew that it was the day when he would finally, finally win. He stretched and ate his meager breakfast in the dining hall, before calling Pipsqueak to help him get his armor on.

He met his opponent in the barracks. As Pipsqueak threaded the straps through the buckles, making sure every piece went where it was supposed to go (how the little colt had the memory for it, Vaas had no idea), Vaas grimaced as the young stallion waltzed through the door, his armor already on, sword slung over his shoulder. He was obviously sure of another victory that day. Pipsqueak tightened the last strap on his greaves, and Vaas ruffled his mane. Vaas hated it, but he had grown fond of his squire. The colt stepped away, admiring his work, and Vaas made eye contact with his opponent. He tried not to let his confidence show, but he couldn't resist grinning at the fucker. The stallion smirked, and began nonchalantly stretching, obviously just for show.

Vaas rolled his shoulder around, ensuring that everything was comfortable. He angled his head to the side and popped his neck, making Pipsqueak wince. Then, calmly and casually as he could, Vaas strolled through the doorway to the training arena.

The arena was a large room, with simple red brick walls and a waxed hardwood floor. A painted white circle marked the center of the arena, where the fights would start. Lining the walls were rows of ascending wooden bleachers, for any who might want to watch the trainees' bouts.

Vaas walked to the starting circle, eyeing the few ponies who turned up to watch him get slaughtered once more. He stopped in the center, and waited. A moment later, Vaas watched the stallion swagger through the door. A few whoops and cheers came from the stands. Vaas retreated a step to his side of the circle. The stallion positioned himself on the opposite side. In an undertone, he said, "I'll try not to mess up your face too much this time. Celestia knows you've got enough scars."

Fucking cocksucker, Vaas thought. We'll see who's smiling when this is over.

They locked eyes, and Vaas heard the voice of the referee echo from the stands with the customary introduction, "Vaas Montenegro and Stalwart Shield. This is to be a clean fight; there will be no jabs at the face or neck, and no below-the-waist shots. Any violation will result in disqualification. The fight is over when an opponent yields."

He paused.

"... Begin."

The stallion rushed forward, sword in mouth. How he could maneuver the blade so effectively using only his head, Vaas had no idea, but he did it. Stalwart Shield lunged, hoping to catch Vaas in the guts with the blunted end of the sword, but Vaas sidestepped at the last possible second and swung downward. The stallion's eyes widened in surprise, but he managed to dart to the left in time to block the blow with his own sword. The sharp clack of wood on wood resounded through the auditorium as the training swords made contact. They locked swords, staring into each other's eyes with pure loathing. Vaas pulled away and spun, using the sword's momentum to land a hard blow on Stalwart Shield's shoulder. He grunted in shock and staggered from the impact, but he did not look fazed. His eyes narrowed; he seemed to be catching onto Vaas's tactic. He knew he'd have to step up his own game if he wanted to triumph. Both combatants backed away a few paces, rotating in a circle around the ring, each's footwork mimicking the other's. Gradually, Stalwart Shield pressed his advance, closing the distance between himself and Vaas. Just when he was in striking-distance, the stallion swung low, to Vaas's surprise. The blow landed on his greaves, knocking him to his knees. Instinctively, Vaas rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding the second swing. He swiftly regained his footing, and the game was on once more. Tired of being on the defensive, Vaas rushed forward in what he'd hoped would be a surprise attack, but the stallion was prepared for it. He lunged once more, this time with such ferocity that Vaas was sure that, if the blow connected, the fight would be over.

Afterward, Vaas could not adequately explain what happened next. It was as if time slowed down; he saw the stallion's sword being thrust towards him, but it seemed to be moving at a snail's pace. He willed himself to move, and his body responded, pivoting on his heel so that the sword hit nothing but the air where he's been moments before. Without thinking, Vaas chopped down with his hand. He slapped the blade downward, and at the same time, raised his right leg and stomped on the slowly-descending blade. Time began to move normally once more. His foot brought the wooden blade down to the floor, and with a deafening crack, the sword snapped in two. Splinters of wood shot through the air, stinging Vaas's face as they impacted, but he barely felt it. He barely had time to register the look of stunned surprise on Stalwart Shield's face before his gauntlet impacted. Blood and saliva along with the occasional tooth splattered across the polished floor. There was a collective gasp from the stands, and the referee shouted "Stop!"

But Vaas wasn't done.

Just as Stalwart Shield hit the ground, Vaas followed through with a savage kick to the stomach. The stallion wheezed as the air left his lungs, and a sound like a dying animal came from somewhere deep within his throat. Vaas dropped to his knees, grabbed the stallion's foreleg, and pinned it behind his back. Stalwart Shield yelped in pain.

"Yield," Vaas growled. "YIELD!"

"I yield," the stallion whimpered.

"What?" Vaas said, drawing Stalwart Shield's foreleg back farther.

"I YIELD!" the stallion screamed. Vaas released his grip, and Stalwart Shield curled into the fetal position, sobbing.

"Next time," Vaas said, "I'm going to fucking kill you." He stood up, and spat on the pathetic stallion at his feet.

"Enough."

Vaas whipped around to see the rigid form of Princess Celestia standing at the entrance to the arena.

"You will go immediately to your chambers," she ordered, "where you will await further instruction." The princess looked at the referee, who was staring open-mouthed at Vaas. "Escort Stalwart Shield to the infirmary and see that his injuries are tended to." She turned back to Vaas. "Leave. Now."

Vaas felt white-hot fury rise up inside him. He stared at the revulsion showing on the spectators' faces, and laughed mirthlessly. "Are you not entertained?!" he screamed at them. "Is this not what you've come here to watch?! I play your fucking games and I follow your rules, but when I win, this is the appreciation I get? I get the shit kicked out of me every fucking day and no one bats an eye, but when the tables are turned, everybody loses their minds! Why?!" He knew he answer before he finished speaking. "It's because you're fucking afraid, that's why. You don't want to see a demon like me win a fight, because it makes you feel like you yourselves aren't safe. You feel like, since I beat the piss out of your soldier here, I'm gonna come for you next. Break down your doors, murder your families... Well I've got news for you." He paused. "I'm not. I'm not going to kill you, because what use would that be? What satisfaction would I get? You fuckers haven't done anything to me. Yet. That's why I'm helping your benevolent ruler here- because she needs me."

He took in the looks of confusion on the faces in the audience. He glanced at Celestia, who was watching with mute fury.

"So you didn't know?..." he asked rhetorically, chuckling. "Has your wonderful princess been making you believe that everything's okay? That there's nothing on the planet to worry about? Well I've got news for you. There's an army of demons, marching on Equestria as I speak. And she's trusting me to stop them. So, don't worry about me breaking down your doors at night. It's gonna be me who's protecting you from getting slaughtered by the hordes of Tartarus. And maybe- just maybe- I'll succeed."

He paused once more, considering his next words.

"And then..." he snarled and turned to Celestia. "Then, I'm coming for you."

Vaas Montenegro Observes Nature

Vaas grinned at the memory of the day. The autumn wind made him shiver, bringing him back to reality. His armor offered little warmth, but he needed to be ready to depart at a moment's notice. Princess Celestia had warned him that he would be leaving within the day, meaning he needed to wear his armor at nearly all times to be ready. For some reason it had never occurred to him to put a warmer undershirt on.

He surveyed the shining blade of Arsewiper with satisfaction. The blade was honed to a razor edge, and the way the steel gleamed in the sunlight made him proud of the care he'd put into it. Surely, when the time came for battle, it would not fail him.

The urgent clip-clop of hooves on stone told Vaas that the time had come. He turned his head and saw a white stallion emerge from a corridor. The messenger's timing could not have been better. Tucking the oilcloth inside his belt, Vaas stood and faced the winded stallion. "What is it?" he demanded, as if he didn't already know the answer.

"Human... Erm, sir... Um..." he gasped, cowering under Vaas's gaze. "It's... It's um... Time to leave."

Vaas smiled. "Then what the hell are you waiting for?" he said, putting as much venom in his voice as possible. He was scaring the poor stallion shitless, and he loved it. "Get Pipsqueak and tell him we're getting ready to leave." The stallion stood for a moment, unsure of what to say. "Now, you dimwitted motherfucker!" he roared.

The stallion bolted in a panic. Vaas threw back his head and laughed. Being an asshole was hard when there was nothing to be asshole-ish about, so Vaas had to enjoy the small moments when he could terrify those around him. It reminded him of who he really was, and of home.

"Someday," he muttered.

He followed after the stallion down the corridor, and soon found himself back in the castle. There, he found Pipsqueak waiting for him.

"'Ello, sir!" the colt said. "Got your things all packed an' ready, all in your quarters, sir!"

"Thanks, kid," Vaas said. Truthfully, he was gonna miss the little bastard. He ruffled Pipsqueak's mane, and turned to walk away.

"Can I go with you, sir?"

Vaas sighed and hung his head. He'd been afraid Pipsqueak would ask this. He wanted to say "No," but something about the longing look in the colt's eyes made him bite his tongue. After a moment he finally answered. "Sure, kid. Go get your stuff ready. I'll see if I can smuggle a dagger out of the armory for you." He winked, and walked away, sighing again as he heard Pipsqueak run off. He hoped he hadn't just made a huge mistake.

***

True to his word, Vaas managed to procure a gilded dagger for Pipsqueak. It was exquisitely ornate, almost to the point that it didn't look battle-ready, but several assaults on the practice dummies proved otherwise, leaving the targets a mess of torn straw and fabric.

Finally, packed and ready, rucksack over shoulder, Vaas exited his quarters and began the descent to the courtyard. He still didn't know how he was going to handle traveling with the six individuals whose best friend he murdered; he didn't regret what he did and he certainly wasn't afraid of the ponies, but he knew the journey would be... Awkward, to say the least.

Pipsqueak met him in the hallway leading out of his room. Neither spoke, but, after making sure the coast was clear, Vaas gave him the dagger, telling him in a whisper to keep it in his cloak. "I don't want to see that out unless we're under attack, got it?" Pipsqueak nodded, and they continued on their way.

No words were spoken in the courtyard by anyone but Celestia, who briefed them on their mission and went over the finer details. None of the ponies would look at him, save for his squire, and that suited Vaas just fine. All of them were armored in steel plating similar to Vaas's own armor, the only difference being a lighter set for the two Pegasi.

A cold silence hung in the air after Celestia finished speaking.

"Jesus Christ," Vaas finally said. "If we're gonna do this, we might as well try to get along."

"You murdered Twilight," the orange earth pony- Applejack- said simply.

And that was the end of that.

"Well, I guess there's no point in standing around," Vaas said, rolling his eyes and shifting his rucksack on his shoulder. "I suppose we'll be off. Don't wait up, honey." he shot a look at Celestia, who stared back stoically.

He started past her, but she held her foreleg in front of him and leaned in to whisper in his ear, "Remember, do whatever it takes to kill Mephistopheles. I don't care if you lose all of them along the way. Just... Save us." There was undoubtedly desperation in her voice.

She lowered her leg, and he walked past, exiting the courtyard through a stone archway at the far end. The soft clapping of hooves on stone behind him told him that the five mares were following. He heard hushed utterances of farewells to the Princess, and then silence one again.

He didn't really like having these ponies behind him with potentially malicious intent, but Vaas doubted they'd permit him to travel at the back. He looked down at Pipsqueak, who looked positively jubilant. "Where exactly are we going, sir?" the colt asked.

"Hell, kid," Vaas said. "We're going to hell."

"What in the-" said Applejack from behind him. Vaas turned, and saw that the six of them were staring wide-eyed at Pipsqueak, as if noticing him for the first time. He could be rather inconspicuous at times. Applejack's jaw moved wordlessly for a few seconds, before she finally managed, "What in the hay is he doing here?"

"He's my squire," Vaas said simply.

"You bastard," Rainbow Dash said. "You dragged him along with you? For what, a meat shield, I'm guessing?"

"He asked to come. Now easy on the hostility, bitch. It's not gonna get us anywhere except at each others' throats."

That shut her up.

"However is the poor little dear supposed to protect himself?" Rarity asked. "Heaven knows what we'll encounter out here in the wilds."

They weren't even twenty paces from the gates yet.

"Pip," Vaas said. "Show her."

Pipsqueak beamed, and lifted his cloak, exposing the dagger underneath. He unsheathed the blade, and flipped it upwards, catching the hilt between his teeth, eyes fierce. He wasn't the most intimidating thing in the world, but Vaas didn't doubt his resolve.

Rarity raised an eyebrow, but said nothing else.

And so they walked.

***

Vaas was never one to appreciate scenery... But even he had to admit, this took the cake as far as the most stunning thing he'd ever seen, beside his sister. They'd been walking without so much as a word to each other, just as they had been doing for the past few hours. The sun was beginning to set. The mountain path upon which they walked was rocky and and sparse of any sort of foliage. To describe it as depressingly dreary would be an understatement. But then, they made a sharp turn to the left, and Vaas's breath caught in his chest.

There was a scene in Jurassic Park, one of Vaas's favorite movies, in which the people look out over the prehistoric valley and see the wonders of the new world in which they find themselves, the sun glimmering off of the water, fantastic and wonderful creatures grazing on the plains... That was what came to mind as Vaas took in the world ahead of him. The sun was just beginning to sing behind the mountains on the horizon; the landscape was painted with a bloodred light. Lakes of enormous size sparkled with thousands of crimson diamonds, and creatures the likes of which Vaas had never imagined roamed across the crimson grass. White stags with enormous antlers and legs like twigs danced across the plain, as their fawns ran behind them, trying to keep up. Does drank from the water, sometimes looking up to watch their families play. Overhead soared birds of all colors and sizes, some chased by creatures with the body of lions, but with the wings and beaks of eagles. They laughed as they took turns dive-bombing the birds. "Griffins," Dash said from behind him. "I hate Griffins."

Vaas looked to his right and saw one of the fawns being chased across the grassland by a pack of wolves. The beasts' eyes glowed green, and their bodies looked for all the world to be made of wood. It was hard to tell from their high vantage point, however. Vaas watched, frozen in anticipation, as the fawn tripped up slightly, giving the wolves the opportunity they needed. The lead wolf leaped forward, teeth sinking into one of the fawn's back legs. It yelped in pain, and fell. One of the older stags ran forward to save its offspring, but the wolves formed a circle around the dying animal, snarling at the stag, which had no choice but to watch as the wolves tore into its young, whose cries soon ended abruptly. The snarling of the feasting predators was occasionally accompanied by the wet ripping noise of torn flesh. It filled Vaas's head with memories of his own previous hunts... Many of which were not for game of the animal sort.

Suddenly, there was a rustling in the trees on the far side of the plain, and the earth shook slightly. The wolves all looked up, and then at each other, before bolting back the way they came, leaving the steaming carcass unattended. The deer all backed away nervously, huddling together in a group. The earth shook again, harder this time, sending ripples across the water. Vaas's eyes widened. "That's... That's an impact tremor, is what that is," he said. "I'm fairly alarmed here." And then the trees exploded, and out of the forest thundered what appeared to be an enormous goddamn dinosaur... No. It had wings. It was a dragon. Another fucking dragon, this one the size of a Tyrannosaurus rex.

The deer scattered in a panic. The dragon reared its head and roared, flames spewing from both its nostrils. It then ran on all fours in pursuit of the deer, not going after any specific target, until one stag split off from the group. The dragon seized its chance and increased its speed of pursuit. Within seconds, the beast was only behind by a good ten feet, and closing fast. The dragon drew a shuddering breath that could be heard from Vaas's vantage point, and an orange light glowed in its underbelly, spreading upward through its chest and neck. Then it opened its mouth, so much that the jaw appeared to unhinge like a snake's, and blue flame shot from the beast's throat, rocketing forward and consuming the deer. The prey was dead within seconds, the flesh all but melting off the bones, and before it even had time to fall, the monster had snatched it up in its immense jaws and swallowed it, still flaming, whole. Without slowing, the dragon raised its batlike wings and launched into the sky. It soared over Vaas's head and over the mountain, and was gone.

Aye, the world was beautiful. And, Vaas understood, deadly as well.

The group was silent for a moment, as they all processed what they'd all just witnessed. Fluttershy looked to be on the verge of tears. It was Dash who spoke first. "The Griffins we saw... We need to watch out for them. Outside of civilization, Griffins like to form raiding parties and attack travelers, taking whatever they might have on them."

Everyone turned to look at her.

"How on earth do you know that?" Rarity asked.

"Well... Er..." Dash hesitated, eyes scanning the ground. "Twilight told me," she said quickly. "She was reading a book about them, and told me that."

If there was one thing that could be said about Rainbow Dash, it was that she had a shitty poker face. No one said a word. No one needed to.

"Fine!" Dash said, exasperated. "You all remember Gilda, right?" No, Vaas didn't, but he didn't expect an explanation there. "Well... She told me that before she went to Flight Camp with me, some of her family had taken her on a few raids, far outside of town. She said that it was fun, and one of the most 'extreme' things you could do. And, well, you know me... Not one to pass up extreme things, haha..." she dragged her front hoof across the dirt, not making eye contact. "I may have taken part in a few tiny little raids with Gilda before I really settled down in Ponyville," Dash said, as quickly as possible. Although there were some wide eyes, no one really seemed as surprised as Fluttershy, who began to tear up again.

"You... You didn't..." she began, he voice breaking. "You didn't hurt anyone, did you?"

"No! No, of course not!" Dash said weakly, her poker face getting shittier by the second. "Well... Okay... Maybe a couple ponies! And only because they tried to fight back! But that was years ago- I'm changed now, I am! You all know me! I'm not a murderer!" Dash didn't seem to be talking to the group anymore. She was staring at the ground, shaking. Vaas got the feeling that she was trying to convince herself of the fact, not the rest of them. Vaas knew the feeling. He himself experienced doubts sometimes, felt twinges of that pesky concept called morality.

Vaas took a step forward. "When was your last kill?" he asked, genuinely curious. "Don't lie, you have the worst fucking poker face of anyone I've ever seen."

Dash stopped shaking, and looked Vaas dead in the eye. "Over ten years ago."

She said it with such conviction, such certainty, in such a clearly practiced manner, that Vaas almost felt inclined to believe her. But it seemed to do the trick for the rest of the group. Fluttershy's sobs stopped, although there were still tears falling from her eyes. The rest of them just stared at her, sometimes glancing at each other, their mouths thin lines of grim judgment. Vaas nodded, although he made it clear with his questioning eyes and slightly raised eyebrows that he wasn't buying her bullshit for a second. It had never shown before, but this new, raw Rainbow Dash definitely had the visceral look of someone with a fair amount of blood on their hands. Or hooves, as it were.

Taking in one more time the valley that stretched out before them, now darkened after the setting of the sun, the only light coming from the moon shining overhead. A full moon... A hunter's moon.

***

The night was quiet, but for the crackling of the fire.

The light of the fire illuminated the inside of Vaas's tent, making it difficult to sleep. The fact that the silhouette of Rainbow Dash was also visible, just sitting by the fire, motionless, staring into the flames, didn't help much either. Vaas wasn't afraid of her... Although this newfound knowledge of her did perturb him a bit. He didn't expect to find a serial killer among these typically overly-cheery ponies. Although, when he thought about it, it did make sense that one would conceal herself among unassuming folks such as these.

Suddenly, a new silhouette appeared. Another Pegasus... Fluttershy. Dash did not move, not even when the other mare spoke. "I need to talk to you."

Dash was silent for a moment. "Is everyone else asleep?"

"Yes."

Vaas turned to look at his squire, who was snoring softly on his sleeping mat, on the other side of the tent.

"Good..." Dash said. "What is it?"

It was Fluttershy's turn to be silent now. After a moment, she spoke. "You know how good I am at seeing through lies, Dash."

Even in silhouette form, it was easy to see how tense Dash's body became. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"When was the last time you killed somepony, Rainbow Dash?"

"I told you. Over ten years ago."

Fluttershy's voice was soft, but terrible. "Don't bullshit me, Rainbow. I'm not buying it for one second."

Rainbow Dash's form began to shake. Whether it was silent sobs or nervous convulsions, Vaas could not tell. "Last week," she said, her voice steady. So, she wasn't crying. "Remember that donkey that Pinkie couldn't get to smile?..."

"You didn't," Fluttershy said. "Please tell me you didn't."

"I got him to smile. He's got a great big grin right across his throat. Now he'll always be smiling. Same with his wife."

"Dash..." Fluttershy began. "This... This isn't you. What happened to you?"

"Have you ever ended a life before, Flutters?" Dash asked, as casually as if she were asking for the time.

Vaas saw Fluttershy shake her head, no.

"It's so... Exhilarating. It's better than flying, I'm not even kidding. Seeing the desperation on their faces, seeing how the body reacts to pain, watching the light leave their eyes... It's like a drug, Flutters. I got addicted during my time with Gilda. I don't even think she knows. She never seemed to enjoy it like I did. You should try it sometime."

When Fluttershy spoke, the disgust in her voice was apparent. "You have to tell the others. You can't keep this to yourself. Either you tell them... Or I will."

Dash chuckled mirthlessly. "I just can't do that, Flutters."

There was a moment's silence. Then, Fluttershy drew a deep breath, as if to cry out...

There was a flicker of motion, barely even noticeable in silhouette form, as Dash twisted her neck around, grabbed her dagger with her mouth and unsheathed it from its scabbard on her shoulder, and slashed it across Fluttershy's throat. Fluttershy's cry was stifled in her throat, and emerged as an agonized rasp. Blood sprayed all over the form of Rainbow Dash, until Fluttershy's corpse fell to the ground, and the blood began pulsing upward like a grotesque fountain.

Vaas bolted upright, grabbed his sword, and exited the tent... Only to find Rainbow Dash waiting for him. Before he could react, or even cry out, she had him pinned down on his back, one hoof on his wrist, and the other foreleg pressed against his throat, preventing him from making any noise. His sword fell from his hand, and hit the dirt noiselessly. Dash still held the dagger in her mouth. Her eyes were wide and shining, and in them, Vaas could see a mixture of emotions; hatred, anticipation, sadness... Ecstasy. The same emotions he himself felt during many of his kills. They were not unalike, himself and the homicidal Pegasus standing over him. The realization made accepting the fact that he was about to die that much easier, knowing that at least he was being taken out by an equal. He grinned up at her, staring into her beautiful rose-red eyes, waiting for the cold kiss of the steel against his throat.

But it did not come. Dash's eyes widened, and she dropped the dagger from her mouth. It landed in the soil, inches away from Vaas's neck. She coughed, and blood poured from her throat, splattering Vaas's face and chest. She released her grip on his throat and wrist, and took a step backwards, blood still pouring from her mouth and nostrils like a waterfall. Vaas gasped for breath, careful not to inhale any of Dash's blood, and raised his head to look at her. Protruding from Dash's neck was an exquisitely ornate dagger, which was torn from its place by none other than Pipsqueak, eyes filled with the same fierce determination he had displayed not twelve hours before. Dash raised her hoof to prod at the hole in her neck, which was now also spewing blood, and raised her eyes one more time to look at Vaas. In those eyes he saw a plea for help, and... An apology. She raised her hoof, trying to reach Vaas, for what, Vaas wasn't certain. And then she fell, her lifeblood pulsing from her neck in the same way that her friend's was, still.

All of this happened within half of a minute.

Vaas's breathing was rapid and shallow, eyes wide and staring at Pipsqueak, who only now seemed to comprehend what he'd done. Neither said a word.

The night was quiet, but for the crackling of the fire.

Vaas Montenegro Slays a Dragon

Author's Note

I merged the short update I posted a few days ago with this longer continuation. The next chapter will be the last; for better or for worse, it's been fun.

Vaas Montenegro Slays a Dragon

When Vaas heard the screaming, he wasn't surprised.

Laying in his tent, idly polishing Arsewiper, he raised his head and tried to make out who it was that stumbled across the grizzly scene.
"Oh, sweet merciful heavens, no!" ... So, Rarity. Wonderful. It occurred to him that he should put away his blade before his tent was inevitably torn open by his ravenous, accusing companions. And so, he did, and just in time- as soon as the blade was fully in the scabbard, the flap-entrance to his tent was torn away, and there stood Rarity, eyes streaming and burning with hatred.

"What... Why... How could you?" she asked through gritted teeth.

"I didn't," he responded calmly. "Rainbow's been a psychopath this whole time and killed the fuck out of Fluttershy; Pipsqueak killed Rainbow, and here we are. Try not to take it all in at once."

"Bullshit!" Rarity screamed. By this time, everyone else was out of their respective tents, and were uttering various mournful noises of their own. All quickly turned to look at Vaas, some with shock, some with confusion, some with blind rage. Rarity was calling for blood.

Her horn charged, and at first, Vaas didn't know what to do. Last time, Applejack had stepped in to save his ass. But no one was stepping in now. He didn't know if they were paralyzed, or if they had finally realized that he needed to be killed.

Either way, it was up to him now. One way or another, he'd have to stop the raging unicorn, which was a thought that he never expected to have.

Pipsqueak leaped up, dagger drawn again, ready to save his master's life for the second time.

Rarity's magic blast took the colt between his two forelegs, sending him sprawling backwards, hitting the back of the tent and falling to the ground, immobile. In his brief glance behind him, Vaas saw a puddle of red growing beneath his ward's small, frail body.

Vaas didn't have time to think about whether Pip was alive or not. All he knew was that a similar fate awaited him. He had to act before Rarity let loose another burst of rage.

He formulated a plan quickly in his mind, going for the most simple approach with the greatest effect.

He let the unicorn charge her magic, sitting calmly in his sleeping bag just as he had before Rarity had entered. She grinned in triumph, sensing his apparent surrender, and fired.

Vaas leaned slightly to the left, and the bolt of white-hot lightning passed over his shoulder, harmless but for a few singed hairs. Rarity looked confused. Vaas put on an exasperated expression, continued to roll to the right, and drew his sword from its scabbard as he went to one knee. Rarity was beginning to comprehend what was happening, too late to do anything about it. Her expression said very clearly what she never had time to say herself: "Oh, damn."

The tip of Arsewiper entered into her jugular, passed through her spinal column, and entered out the back of her neck, just below the base of the skull. It was a clean thrust; for a few moments, the blade sealed the wound, to where it did not bleed. Rarity's eyes widened, and she made a sound akin to "... Eh."

They made eye contact, and Vaas raised one eyebrow, as if to say, "Hey, it happens."

He then pulled to the right, slicing cleanly through the side of Rarity's neck, spraying crimson over the olive drab of the tent walls. Her eyes lost focus.

Before her head could tilt or her body could fall, he swung the sword back to the left, putting as much momentum as he could into the cut. It passed through the muscle and sinew still connecting Rarity's head to the rest of her body as if it were a hot knife through butter. Rarity's decapitated head was lifted upward, spun one hundred and eighty degrees, and landed on its horn, which stuck through the tent floor and into the ground. Vaas appreciated the visceral humor for a moment, as the headless body collapsed to the ground.

Blood was everywhere. He looked behind him at his fallen ward, who still had not moved; then, at his three remaining companions: Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Spike, all of whom were staring at him blankly, their mouths slowly falling open.

"Okay, okay, before you say anything, I'll admit it..." he said. "That was probably a little bit too much."

Around the same time as a certain yellow Pegasus was getting her throat slit, Princess Celestia sat in her chambers, watching the events from afar with baited breath. She did not weep, she did not gasp, she did not cry out, even as Fluttershy's blood stained Rainbow Dash's cyan coat a shining crimson, nor did she react when Pipsqueak saved his master from a similar fate.

When the blood had finished flowing, and Vaas the Human and Pipsqueak sat there staring at the fire, she finally let out a sigh. She'd hoped they would make it at least through the mountains before things started to go to hell, but as per usual, it was too much to ask for.

There was no use in watching the proceedings any further, at least for tonight; she decided that a bit of sleep would do her good. She called her sister over, and asked her to take up watch over the group while doing her nightly duties. Luna, who had also been surveying the events playing out on Celestia's interspacial window from across the room, agreed, bidding her sister goodnight as she took Celestia's place in front of the shimmering window of magic, which was morphing from its previous solar shape into that of a lunette.

She heard to door latch as Celestia exited the room, and began her watch.

The sun was rising. Luna knew that Celestia was on her balcony, raising the great star into the sky for the day. She would be down soon to resume her watch, just as she had each day since the company set out.

As she had this thought, she observed Rarity's head being detached from her shoulders, spin, and become stuck in the earth by her horn. She felt no sense of loss, just another twinge of loathing for the filthy ape.

The company was almost out of the mountains; once out, they'd have nothing but the Wastes before them, stretching for miles until they became the Shadow Lands: the one place on earth where Luna had complete sovereignty, and Celestia none at all. They would be there within twenty-four hours if they kept a steady pace, assuming they left soon and were not too long delayed by inevitable drama.

Somewhere above her, Luna could hear the door to the balcony closing. Celestia was on her way down now, ready to relieve her. Another day of waiting lay ahead of Luna. Perhaps she, too, could take some rest, although no rest had found her for quite some time.

Just another day, and then she'd take over Celestia's watch once more.

Then, it would finally be time.

Nobody spoke. Vaas looked each of them in the eyes; none of them held his gaze. But none of them attacked, either. Pinkie Pie was crying silently. Applejack was wide-eyed and breathing heavily; she looked almost suicidal. Spike's face was impassive, but his apparent stoicism was betrayed by the tears flowing from his eyes. Vaas knew now that the dragon had loved the white unicorn; it had been plain to see all this time, but it had never occurred to Vaas until now. That being said, the reptilian bastard was taking it well... and that worried the fuck out of Vaas. Spike would have to die soon, as well.

Vaas crossed the tent to where Pipsqueak lay. The ground was wet with quickly drying blood from a deep gash in the colt's chest. Not thinking about the gore, he put his ear to his ward's chest. There was nothing.

Nothing...

No, not nothing; from what seemed to be deep within the little colt, there was a rattle of breath, long and haggard, cold and distant as death itself. Then, nothing. Then, nearly a quarter of a minute later, a similar exhalation. He was alive; but, as was apparent, not for long.

Vaas suddenly felt a twinge of panic.

"Hey," he said, laying a hand on Pip's neck. "Hey, hey, kid, wake up, okay?"

He cupped Pipsqueak's head with one hand and raised it slightly.

"Pipsqueak," he said, louder. "Come on, just gimme something here, just wake the fuck up up, damn it."

Pipsqueak shuddered in response.

"Pip, you little shit, I'm ordering you to stay alive, okay? Do you fucking hear me? I need you here. I need someone on my side, kid."

And then, Pip opened his eyes. No other part of him moved, and Vaas could only see the one eye on the side of his head; he did not want to raise his head any more, as Pip was obviously in immense pain. His eyelid fluttered open, and his eye found Vaas. Pipsqueak worked his mouth, as if trying to speak. Nothing came out but a choked cough, and some blood and phlegm. The colt's eyes grew wide, as he realized what was happening, and his body gave forth spasms as he resisted the inevitable. His pupil darted from place to place, searching for what, Vaas did not know. Vaas could clearly hear his breathing now. It was rapid and shallow now, and increasingly thin. Finally, Pip's pupil locked on Vaas, staring him dead in the eye. A single tear trailed down Pipsqueak's face, and he shook violently. His eye lost focus, and he gave fort the loudest death-rattle of all. And then, he was gone.

"... Pip?" he pleaded, almost inaudible.

There was a pain in Vaas's chest, one that he had not felt in many, many years. It tore through him, but he showed no external sign of remorse.

After minutes that seemed like hours, Vaas forced the ache to depart. He was suddenly reminded of how he had been before, when he initially showed up to this godforsaken land. He had allowed himself to become soft, allowed this... creature... to make him feel again. He would not make this mistake again. Never again.

But, he had promised himself that before.

He stood. Now all of their eyes were on him.

Pinkie had stopped crying, and now sported the vacant look of the permanently scarred. Applejack no longer looked ready to pitch herself off the nearby ledge; now she was visibly livid, shaking from head to hoof, but she had enough common sense not to attack him. She knew now that Vaas would not hesitate. Spike, too, had stopped his flow of tears. But in his face, Vaas saw a bit of himself. The same feverish, cold, gleeful, nothing-to-lose mentality that signified permanent mental unhinging, or forewarned imminent drastic action. Vaas guessed it was the latter. He wasn't in the mood for that shit.

He stepped toward Spike, covering the distance between them in two strides. Spike visibly tensed, ready to spring in a desperate attempt to avenge his love. Before he could, however, Vaas kicked him. Not hard enough to send him flying; a quick stomp, right between his eyes. It was enough to stun him, to make him forget whatever rash course of action he had been preparing for.

Then, Vaas gripped him by his scaly head. He was almost painfully hot to the touch; whether it was his constant body temperature, or literally hot, boiling rage, Vaas wasn't sure and really didn't care. Vaas lifted him, turning him to face to opposite direction. Spike was a dragon, after all, and the last thing Vaas wanted was a face full of dragonfire. The reptile barely even struggled, merely kicking his legs a bit, still recovering from his experience with Vaas's boot.

Locking eyes with Applejack, he saw that she knew exactly what he was about to do. He shook his head at her, warning her against trying anything. Still looking her dead in the eyes, he twisted his hands as far as they would allow. Spike's head twisted faster and farther than the rest of his body, and there was an audible crack! as his spinal column snapped; then, another, as Vaas did the same in the opposite direction. Spike's lifeless body twitched horribly as his nervous system was destroyed, legs jutting out in odd directions, arms flailing wildly. After a moment, they slowed, and then stopped completely, all while his body continued to slowly rotate back and forth. The heat that had previously radiated from his skin was gone; his scales were cold. Walking to the edge of the cliff, some ten feet away, he unceremoniously pitched the lifeless purple corpse off the edge. It fell, how far Vaas didn't know, until it was lost in the mist.

He sensed her coming more than he heard her.

As soon as the first hoof-beat registered, Vaas spun around in a defensive stance. Applejack had already covered three-quarters of the distance between them, and appeared to have no intentions of stopping. Her head was lowered, and Vaas was genuinely impressed by the raw display of power before him. He had the feeling that if this mare hit him head-on, it might not be the fall off the cliff that killed him. Unfortunately, he couldn't allow that hypothesis to be tested.

And so, he sidestepped, and was reminded of his duel in the arena, what seemed like ages ago.

Applejack didn't even slow. Vaas wasn't sure if she'd even meant to remain on the cliff when she knocked him off; as far as suicide goes, that's about as honorable as it gets. But even when Vaas was visibly out of the way, Applejack made no indication of stopping. She was practically airborne. Her head turned, and she looked Vaas in the eye one last time. He wasn't sure, but he could have sworn he head a muttered "Fuck you," from the now obviously suicidal mare. And then, she truly was airborne. For a hysterical moment, it just looked as if she would keep on going, carried on by momentum and possibly sheer newfound willpower. But then, as all things must eventually, Applejack fell. She did not scream; she merely dropped, keeping her dignity even in her last moments. And then, in the blink of an eye, she'd followed Pipsqueak into the mist.

Vaas stared after her for a moment, before turning back to look at Pinkie, who looked... well, she looked as though she'd just seen two of her best friends murdered in front of her, and then another commit suicide.

"You're not gonna try anything, are you, Pinkie?" he asked jovially.

She flinched at the sound of her name, but shook her head, no.

"Good," Vaas said. "Now, I'd really like to fucking end this thing, wouldn't you?"

Vaas Montenegro Finally Ends This Fucking Story

Pinkie Pie wasn't talking much, for some reason.

Vaas had tried to make idle small talk with her, to no avail. She just couldn't seen to get over the horrific deaths of her friends. Oh well; better silent than psychotic.

Although, Vaas had observed unsettling aspects of the pink mare. The unbidden gleam in her eye when blood was shed, which Vaas had barely had time to notice, but had definitely been there nonetheless. She was obviously a bit... off, but Vaas had assumed until recently that it was some kind of prolonged sugar high, not buried bloodlust.

Maybe it was both, thought Vaas, letting his mind wander. Unless he was mistaken, he had heard tell that Pinkie worked in a bakery. Perhaps, to satiate her desire for blood- which Vaas was beginning to assume that every pony had deep down, judging by his experience so far- she murdered the occasional client, and baked them into her pastries, Sweeney Todd style... It was a horrific thought, which presented an oddly satisfying mental image. He continued to dwell on this, until Pinkie said softly, "Which way?" Vaas jumped, having just thought of various baking-related torture methods and what they might feel like, and snapped out of his daze.

They were at a fork in the path; to the right was a stony walkway along a sheer rock face, sloping upward, just wide enough for two men to walk abreast. To the left was a darker path, walled in on either side by rough grey rock, stretching straight until it veered off again to the left.

"I have no fucking idea," Vaas said. "But the left path looks a hell of a lot scarier. Let's go left."

So they went left, and soon, after several minutes of walking in a straight line, they turned the corner and found that their path ahead was, in fact, a cave, the mouth of which yawned open before them. It was several hundred feet away, but already Vaas could feel a strange aura emanating from it the darkness. He found it difficult to press on, and after glancing quickly at Pinkie, found that she must be feeling the same. There was a definite gleam of fear in her eyes.

The pair approached the mouth in silence. Vaas inspected the entrance, and with a jolt, noticed weathered carvings in the rock, circling all around the mouth. Some were faded beyond recognition, but as for what the others were, Vaas had no doubt. They were scenes of torture: ponies and other creatures being disemboweled, burned, dismembered, slowly beheaded, flayed, and other things that Vaas didn't even have a name for that involved certain unsightly orifices. Were these merely grotesque hieroglyphics, he wondered, possibly meaning something other than what they looked like at face value?... Or perhaps they were a literal threat, a promise of what awaited for any who entered? Either way, the prospect excited him. He had encountered things like this in his travels in the human world; many of the indigenous peoples that he had conquered had used similar symbols as a means of warding off invaders. It was a taste of the morbidly familiar in what was still a completely unfamiliar world.

Making eye contact with Pinkie, he smiled savagely, before entering the darkness.

The stone floor of the cave was smooth, compared to the rocky, loose terrain of the mountain path. It was also quite slick. Bending down to run his hands across the floor, Vaas found that it was covered in a slick residue, one that stuck to his fingers and stretched upwards when he took his hand away, like mucus or saliva. The thought was unsettling. Any calming familiarity was erased at that moment; there were no places like this in his world. This place was evil. He had always thought that evil was an abstract concept, one that meant different things to different people, with no clear definition. But this place... Vaas could feel the malice radiating from deeper in the darkness. He could feel it in his stomach, in his chest, in his very bones; it clouded his mind and made him shiver. This was an evil greater than himself, than his sister, than even his boss, Hoyt... They all suffered from psychological insanity, but this was malevolence in its purest form. This was hell.

He took another step, then another. His feet felt like they were tied to cinder blocks. His armor felt infinitely heavier now. When he drew his sword, the nerves in his arms screamed at him to stop; it was simply too much. Vaas sank to one knee, his blade falling from his hand, clattering upon the stone.

"Pinkie," he said, his voice sounding muffled, like he was speaking through layers of heavy cloth. "Help me."

Pinkie made no response. After a moment, he felt a presence on his shoulder, one of Pinkie's forelegs. He looked up at her. She stood there in from of him, looking down on him, smiling slightly, reassuringly. She raised her other foreleg, and Vaas prepared to grab it for leverage, opening his mouth to thank her.

Her hoof struck him in the side of his head, sending explosions of pain through his skull, making him see red. He fell to the ground. The red in his vision narrowed, quickly being enclosed by crushing blackness. He felt like he was falling through a dark tunnel. Unconsciousness took him.

Vaas dreamed of Jason Brody. He saw him standing in a dark room, illuminated sporadically by what appeared to be strobe lights. Flames danced around him, roaring and crackling. On the walls were television screens, displaying static. Vaas's own voice blared around Brody, speaking unintelligibly. Jason held in his hand what appeared to be a stone dagger, ancient and ornate, dripping with crimson blood. His arms were covered by the traditional tatau of the Rakyat people, identifying him as a warrior. Brody's face was partially obscured by shadow, but his eyes burned with fury. Vaas's voice was becoming louder, drowning out the roar of the flames. His own words were now becoming clearer. Finally, all other noise ceased, and he heard himself scream: "Take me into your heart! Accept me as your savior! NAIL ME TO A FUCKING CROSS, AND LET ME BE REBORN!"

Darkness followed. He dreamed no more.

Vaas opened his eyes, and saw no change from when they were closed. He took a breath, and inhaled sand. Coughing, he realized that he was lying face-down, and rolled onto his back. There was still not much change in his vision, at least at first; but when his eyes adjusted, he gasped in awe.

The sky above was a sickly green color, swirled with tinges of midnight blue. Lights swirled in the heavens, swirling neon green and red, reminiscent of the aurora australis. There were no stars. The moon, however, was present; it was the biggest moon that Vaas had ever seen. It took up a quarter of the sky. It was unnaturally bright, almost as bright as the sun. Vaas could barely look at it directly. Sitting up, he saw that the white light illuminated the land around him. It was a wasteland, like a desert, with rocky outcroppings dotting the landscape in all directions. The air was unnaturally cold. Vaas shivered in his... wait. His armor was gone. All he had on was his grey linen longsleeved undershirt, linen pants, leather gloves, and and the leather shoes that he'd worn under his sabatons. His sword lay in its scabbard next to him, as did Pipsqueak's jeweled dagger. He felt exposed, naked even. He had no recollection of what the fuck had happened after Pinkie had knocked him unconscious. The fact that he was still alive was mystery enough.

He stood shakily, turning around as he did so. About fifty yard behind him was the cave, the entrance to which bore the same sort of markings, except there were no signs of erosion on this side. The symbols were perfectly identifiable, even from this distance. The mere sight of the blackness made Vaas's muscles twitch spasmodically. He looked away, exhaling sharply. His breath steamed in the air.

He gaze snapped a nearby boulder, on top of which a lone figure sat, facing away from him. The moonlight was bright enough to make out the distinct pink coloration. She was still, like a statue. Her mane, as opposed to its usual cloudlike curliness, had gone straight, sinking down past her neck like a rose-colored waterfall. He took a step towards her, then another, his footsteps making no noise in the sand. His head throbbed every time he put his foot down.

Finally, he reached the rock where Pinkie sat. She did not turn to look at him, but he knew that she sensed his presence. She seemed to stiffen, if it's even possible for a statue to stiffen. She merely gazed into the distance. Minutes passed, and no one spoke. It was Vaas who finally broke the silence: "... You didn't kill me. Why?"

"I wanted to," Pinkie said after half a minute, her voice flat and sad. "But we still have a mission here, you know."

"Why the hell did you knock me out in the first place, then?"

"That cave was the gateway to the Night Lands, which is where we are now, if you haven't figured that out yet," she explained in a monotone. "There was a greater evil in that darkness than I have ever felt before, greater than any terror than my friends and I have faced. When we entered, I'd thought that you'd do alright. You are full of hatred, malice, and your own sort of evil; I didn't even think it would faze you. But I was wrong. It was obviously too much for you. When you fell to your knees, I knew that you wouldn't make it on your own. We were barely thirty feet into the cave, after all, and neither of us knew how far we had to go. If I made you walk, who knows what might have happened? I'm not sure if one can die from exposure to evil, but you sure looked like you were about to. So, I knocked you out. I wasn't sure if you'd still be affected in your sleep; I took a gamble, and it paid off. I had to drag you through. Your armor was too heavy, so I took it off and left it there. I had to go back for your sword and dagger. We've been here for what I guess to be about three hours."

Vaas took all of this in. After a moment, he asked, "... If someone as awful as myself is affected by whatever the hell is in that cave, why weren't you? You're so damn happy all the time, shouldn't that darkness have crushed you?"

Pinkie turned to him and smiled sadly. "Sometimes you just have to giggle at the ghosties, and it makes them go away, you know?"

Vaas made no reply.

"... Oh, forget it," she said, her smile disappearing. A tear rolled down her face.

"Thank you," Vaas said tentatively, "for getting me through there."

"Don't thank me," Pinkie said, an edge to her voice. "I didn't save you out of any affection. I didn't think that I was capable of hating anything, but I'm fairly certain that I hate you. You've taken everyone that I care about from me. I have nothing to live for anymore. When we're done here, if we get back at all, I'm going to get very, very drunk, and then I'm going to hang myself. Or maybe I'll just attack you and have you kill me. That'd probably be easier. But until then, we have a job to do." She climbed down off of the boulder.

"Well, where do we go from here?" Vaas asked, somewhat shocked by the abrupt change in the mare's nature.

"Celestia told us early on that we needed to keep going south indefinitely. So, which way is south?"

Vaas had no compass on him. There were no stars to navigate by. He was lost.

"Well," he said. "The princess said that the gates of Hell are literally at the end of the world... If we entered from the south, as she said we would, then I'd say that we can just go in the direction that the exit of the cave is facing. That's my best guess."

Pinkie nodded. They started walking.

Vaas had no idea how long they walked. He had no way to tell time; the colors didn't shift, nor did the shadows cast by the moon, nor did the moon itself. Everything was constant. Whether time even existed here, Vaas didn't know. They did not talk; after all, what was there to talk about at this point?

Several thousand steps later, Pinkie suddenly stopped. "Wait," she said. "I feel something."

"Like, more of that cave shit?" Vaas asked.

"No," she said. "Well, it's similar. It feels more physical than that. My Pinkie Sense is telling me that there's something watching us."

"Your what?"

"Nothing, just draw your sword. Something's coming."

Vaas drew his blade, the light of the moon gleaming off of the steal.

He listened. There was utter silence; there was no wind, no shifting of the sands anywhere. Vaas swore that he could hear his own blood flowing.

And then, a growl.

It came from somewhere off to his left. It was like a dog, and yet, unlike any dog that Vaas had ever heard. It was deep, guttural, and seemed as loud as thunder. It was accompanied by a sort of gurgling noise, like something exhaling through a thick liquid. A dune shifted some fifty feet to his left, and over the top climbed what Vaas could only describe as a monster. It was like a German shepherd, except three times as big, and black as night. Its eyes glowed a fiery fed. From its jaws dripped thick black sludge. It turned its gaze to Vaas, and roared. The sound was like the detonation of a bomb.

"What the actual fuck is that?" Vaas said, his voice small.

"That," Pinkie answered in an equally timid voice, "is a Hellhound."

"Oh, of course it is."

The beast charged. After several strides, it leaped in the air, arcing over Vaas. Before he could even turn around, it was upon him. It knocked him down facefirst into the sand, placing one paw on his back, making it pop loudly. Vaas wondered if it was going to sever his spine.

He heard the Hellhound grunt, and the pressure was lifted from his back. Vaas rolled over onto one knee, bringing his sword to a defensive position. His eyes widened.

Pinkie was facing off against the monster. It was nearly four times her size. She must have kicked it off of him, an impressive feat for such a small pony. She was going to die. Horribly.

Vaas got to his feet, raised his blade, and charged, screaming. The noise distracted the creature, which turned to look at him, giving Pinkie the opportunity that she was looking for. She charged as well. At the last second, she pivoted one hundred and eighty degrees, and used her momentum to kick the Hellhound square in the jaw with her hind legs. Its head was knocked back, and it staggered... but quickly recovered. All Pinkie accomplished was to piss it off, and now its eyes were locked on her. Vaas was too far away, still. Before Pinkie could get out of the way, the beast swatted her with its front paw, sending her flying some ten feet in the air, landing several yards to the left. She didn't move again.

Vaas continued to charge, but his scream was stifled. The beast turned, and he knew that it was ready for him. He raised his sword to strike, but the Hellhound merely shoved out its paw, which he ran squarely into and fell to the ground in a daze. There was no more that he could do. He closed his eyes, and waited to die.

What he got instead was sudden, agonizing pain in his abdomen, accompanied by enormous pressure. His eyes flew open, and he saw that the world was sideways. He was staring up at the moon. Turning his head, he was met with the crimson eye of the Hellhound. He was literally in the beast's jaws, and somehow not dead. It did not increase the pressure or chew him at all; no, it was running, smoother than Vaas would have thought possible. He barely felt it the movement. For some reason, it wasn't trying to kill him. Not yet, anyway. It was almost as if he was being retrieved in a game of fetch, in which he was the stick.

Then, the pain in his abdomen spiked, and Vaas blacked out. Again.

When he awoke, he found that his hands and feet were bound with chains. He was suspended between two pillars as he had been in the Canterlot dungeon all those days ago, his limbs spread in so that his body formed an x-shape. He began to panic, remembering all the hellishly long days that he had hung there, with only the smell of this own waste to keep him company. Around him was a square courtyard made entirely of black onyx. It wasn't very large, maybe fifty feet to either side. His sword was leaning against a nearby black pillar, but his dagger was nowhere to be seen. He had been stripped of his clothes, and, looking down, he saw the row of shallow puncture wounds from the Hellhound's jaws. The creature, for all its brutality, managed to not hit anything vital. Then again, it was probably instructed to do so.

As if on cue, there was the soft sound of paws on stone, and the beast emerged from behind him. It circled him, snarling. It looked ready to tear out his intestines.

Then, from the far end of the courtyard, there emerged a figure. Tall and regal in posture, wearing black robes. Its face was completely obscured by a hood. Upon hearing the sharp clacking noises of the figure's hooves, the Hellhound whimpered, and retreated to its master's side.

As the figure grew closer, Vaas began to convulse. He felt the same evil that he had felt in the cave. It radiated from this figure like light from the sun, and like the sun, it seemed like it would burn Vaas to a cinder if it got too close. But it continued to advance, and Vaas continued to shake.

"Mephistopheles, I presume," he said through gritted teeth.

The figure halted.

"You know me," it said, its voice a deep, distorted sort of growl.

"Oh, yeah, I fucking know you," Vaas said, trying to muster his courage. "I figured you'd be... Bigger. Maybe a bit more fiery. And if it weren't for your bitch there, I'd be holding your severed head by now."

"Is that so?" it said. "And how did you come to know me?"

"Princess motherfucking Celestia sent me here to kill you," he practically screamed. "And when I get out of these chains, I'm going to tear out your fucking eyes."

It laughed. The sound was surprisingly high compared to its speaking voice; it was an awful noise, painful even, like nails on a chalkboard.

"Well," it said. "You're certainly courageous, I'll give you that. But I don't think that you're prepared to face me, even if you were to get out of those chains... Actually, let me help you with that."

A purple light glowed from under the hood, and the chains dissolved. Vaas fell to the cold stone below.

"How can you possibly be prepared to fight me," it asked mirthfully while advancing, "when you're not even hunting the right target?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Vaas asked, standing. The tears in his abdomen throbbed painfully.

"Mephistopheles?" it asked mockingly. "Please. A legend out of the Canterlot libraries, used by parents to scare their foals into obedience. The fact that Celestia actually believes in such things is one of the reasons why I plan to take the throne for myself, if only to spare the land from having to tolerate such an inept leader for any longer."

Vaas's blood ran cold as the realization dawned on him.

"... Luna," he said weakly.

"Ah, so you actually can think for yourself," it said with false sincerity, its deep voice morphing into that of the Princess of the Night. Her hood lowered, revealing her grinning face. "I'm impressed."

"First off, this was seriously the most predictable thing ever, and frankly I'm ashamed of myself for not guessing sooner," he said, laughing despite the pain. "Second... just... why? Why not just kill me while I was imprisoned? Why go to this great of a length just to kill one man?"

"First off, because I hate you, and I wanted to watch you suffer through journey. I hate you more than I've ever hated any creature, except, perhaps, for my sister. Which brings me to my second reason: because I hate my sister, and this is the first step to achieving what I've desired for thousands of years. I will remove her from the picture, and rule in her stead. And thanks to your killing off the majority of those seven idiots, the only real opposition I that I will have will be my sister, and she will be dead long before she can even realize that it was me who killed her. The people will mourn, but I will comfort them. They will look to me for guidance, for leadership. I will bring Equestria out of this age of oppression, into a new Lunar Age of prosperity. Darkness will reign, after being suppressed for so many millennia. How will I do this, you ask? Come, let me show you."

He was lifted from the ground, surrounded by a field of purple energy. He could not move. Luna brought him to her side, and walked to the edge of the courtyard, which Vaas could now see was on a cliff. She raised him up so that he could see the fields below. As she walked to the edge, a tremendous cheer filled the air. The ground below, which Vaas had assumed was merely black landscape, suddenly began to writhe. Hundreds of thousands of shadowy figures moved, many screaming, some fighting one another, others doing what appeared to be fornicating... They looked like ponies, but they were grotesque, slimy, convulsing, ruined variants. The multitude stretched as far as Vaas could see into the distance. It was the most horrifying thing that he had ever seen.

"This," she screamed, fury and passion in her eyes, "is my army. To the denizens of Equestria- to my sister- it is the army of Mephistopheles. They will march on Equestria, and they will bring my sister to her knees. I will be too late to save her as Mephistopheles himself..." upon mentioning the name of the demon, a great beast rose from the multitude. The monster resembled a Minotaur; it was black, but its skin burned, giving it a texture similar to an ember. It stood at least twenty feet tall. On its head were two curved horns, and in its hand was a flaming sword. It roared, and two great batlike wings spread from its back. "... descends upon the throne room, and slaughters her, along with her entire royal guard. But, when all hope is lost, I will face the Devil himself in what seems a futile endeavor, and I will defeat him, thus defeating his entire army. I will be the savior of Equestria! Me! Not my worthless sister! ME!"

In a rage, she threw Vaas backwards, into one of the stone pillars. The energy around him disappeared, and he sank to ground.

"And I am telling you this," Luna said, "so that you can know, in your last, agonizing moments, just what it was that you failed to stop."

Her horn glowed again, and a field of energy surrounded his own sword. "I think," she said ponderously, "that I'm going to kill you with your own blade. A poetic end, don't you think?" Arsewiper was lifted into the air, and floated to her side. Her horn glowed even brighter, and chains reappeared around both of Vaas's arms, stretching them back and binding him to the pillar. Luna brought the blade down slowly, and placed the tip on his left pectoral muscle, with just enough force to break the skin. Vaas grunted, and a line of blood trailed down his chest. She ran the blade in a straight line down his torso, cutting a line of crimson as she did so. Vaas squeezed his eyes shut and suppressed a groan. After reaching about where his thigh was, she brought the blade to his other pectoral muscle, and did the same. Vaas couldn't help but cry out. His pain seemed to excite Luna, who let out a deep, sensual moan. She traced the contours of his abs with the edge, clearly outlining them with his own blood while he groaned in agony. She was breathing quite heavily. "Maybe I shouldn't kill you quite yet," said Luna. "You are quite the physical specimen, after all. Why not have a little bit of fun with you first?"

Vaas's eyes widened. This cunt was fucking insane, and he told her so. The was nothing he could do to stop it, though. Luna began to laugh at the prospect. "Yes," she said, almost sounding out of breath. "I suppose I may be." She began to straddle him. This was by far the most disturbing thing that had ever happened to him. He closed his eyes, trying to will himself to retreat from reality for a little while. He prepared for the worst.

What he got instead was a faint whistling noise, and a wet thump just above his head. Luna's body, which had been pressed against his, stiffened and twitched. Vaas opened his eyes. Luna's face was merely inches form his, but her eyes were wide and distant. She no longer was looking at him. Instead, her pupils slowly moved to her left, as the bottoms of her eyes filled with tears. Vaas looked to his right as best he could with her on top of him. He could make out a golden hilt with precious jewels embedded in the pommel, protruding from the side of Luna's neck. Tears began to fall from Luna's eyes, cold on his skin, and a trickle of golden blood began to flow from her mouth. He moved his head to the side before any could fall on him. He looked back into Luna's eyes, and found that her pupils were fixed on him once again. "We... don't understand..." she said, and fell off of him.

The chains dissolved, and he rolled away, rising to one knee. He quickly looked for the Hellhound, but it was nowhere to be found. He quickly stood and ran to the edge of the cliff, expecting to see the armies of darkness screaming for his blood. Instead, he saw them melting into pools of blackness. Mephistopheles was screaming, fire shooting from his mouth and nostrils, as his body slowly liquified and sank into the sand, as did the bodies of all of the grotesque shadow demons. They left no stains upon the sand. Within seconds, it was as if they were never there at all. Vaas felt sand between his toes, and looked to see that the courtyard itself was disintegrating into nothingness.

He had wondered, for the first few seconds, who had thrown the dagger, but quickly realized without needing to look. He didn't know how she had survived the encounter with the Hellhound, but he didn't really feel like asking. Turning around, he saw Pinkie Pie extracting the dagger from the jugular of the former Princess of the Night. "Well that was some fucking great timing," he said. She merely looked at him.

After a moment, she said, "You have no idea how much this screws up the world. Celestia loves her sister more than life itself. There's no guarantee that she won't kill us when she learns of what we did, no matter how justified it was. There is now no one to raise the moon, either, unless Celestia wants to undertake that task herself, which I guess she'll have to in order to keep any sort of normality..." she paused. "Well, if we're gonna get back, we'd better start walking."

"Oh, there will be no need for that," said a vaguely British voice.

Both of them whirled around to find the strangest creature that Vaas had ever seen floating above them. It looked like a creation of Dr. Frankenstein, if the mad scientist had decided to recreate his monster with various animal parts. It looked partly bemused, and very, very sad.

"Discord!" Pinkie exclaimed happily, although her expression quickly grew wary. "What are you doing here?"

"I was sent by Princess Celestia to retrieve you," the creature, Discord, said. "When she noticed her sister's absence, she feared the worst..." he looked down at Princess Luna's body. "And I see now that her fears were justified."

"Discord, you have to believe us," Pinkie pleaded, "we had to do it. She'd gone insane." Pinkie turned to Vaas. "Tell him what she told you."

Vaas, dumbfounded by the creature before him, simply moved his jaw up and down in an attempt to speak. Finally, he collected his wits. "... She was going to overthrow Celestia," he explained. "She'd raised an army to march on Equestria... it's gone now, though. It died when she did. She was going to kill me, and then have her the demon 'leader' of her army kill Celestia, so that she herself could stop it and be the savior of the land."

Discord pondered this for a moment. "Well, that's not very original, is it?" he asked rhetorically. "I always suspected that she was never quite reformed from Nightmare Moon..." he paused again, suddenly looking concerned. "Tell me, where are the rest of your friends?"

Pinkie's silence was answer enough.

"Oh," he said simply. "Even Fluttershy?..."

Pinkie nodded slightly.

Discord sighed, his face falling. "Well, there goes my only friend," he said softly. "I think I'm going to go back to being a statue for a few hundred years. Being alive is too painful. But first, let's get you back to Canterlot. I'll make sure that Celestia doesn't punish you, don't worry."

He snapped his fingers- which were like the talons of an eagle- and they all disappeared in a flash of light, including the body of Luna.

Celestia was not angry. She wept for quite some time after ordering Luna's body to be cremated and the ashes scattered in the gardens. She grieved for so long that even after Vaas awoke the next morning, fully healed, fed, and clothed in garments identical to the ones he had worn upon arriving (except cleaner), he still wasn't allowed to see her. A day passed, which he spent in the training rooms, taking his anger out on the training dummies. He had left Arsewhiper in the Night Lands, and he couldn't stand to look at the dagger. None of the swords in the armory felt right in his hands, and, after trying every weapon available, he abandoned the pursuit. The rest of the day he spend staring at his hands, trying to figure out who the hell he was. He hadn't seen Pinkie Pie since he initially got back. He wasn't sure if she'd followed through on her promise of suicide; frankly, he didn't care. He had nothing against the mare who had saved his life. He just felt apathetic towards everything now.

Early the next day, a guard entered his room. Vaas was shaving absentmindedly, and did not react to the door being opened, nor the voice of the guard, telling him that Celestia would see him now. He merely put down the razor, and silently walked past the guard.

He entered the throne room to find Celestia in her usual spot atop her throne. Any trace of grief was gone from her eyes. She looked completely majestic and regal, stoic as a statue.

He stood before her for several moments, waiting for her to speak. When she didn't, he decided to open the conversation himself. "I want to go home," he said simply.

"I know," Celestia replied. "And I will send you home. But before I do, I wanted to thank you."

Vaas raised an eyebrow. He hadn't expected this.

"You may have killed my sister, but you also saved saved Equestria, just as you set out to do. You may have even saved me. I don't know how I would have fared against this Mephistopheles, especially without Luna by my side. So, thank you."

Vaas didn't want acknowledgment for this. It was the worst experience of his life, and all he wanted was to pretend that it didn't happen. He merely nodded his head, and said, "Can I go home now?"

Celestia sighed, and nodded. "I have something for you first."

She nodded to the guard on her right, who walked forth, a sable pillow in his mouth. On it lay Vaas's 1911 pistol, with three magazines next to it, stocked with bullets. Vaas's mouth dropped open.

"I had my smiths working day and night to reconstruct the magazines and ammunition," Celestia said. "I hope it works to your satisfaction."

Vaas picked up the gun, and slid one of the magazines in. The click that it made was like sweet music to him. He slid the other two mags under his belt, and racked the slide, loading a round into the chamber.

"All those days ago, in the training arena, you said that you would be coming to kill me after you killed Mephistopheles," Celestia said. "Are you still planning on doing that?"

Vaas pondered for a moment. "No," he said. "I just want to fucking go home."

"Very well," Celestia said. Her horn glowed white, and a swirling vortex appeared to his left. Looking into it, her could vaguely make out tropical trees and plants, and... what appeared to be one of this men pissing. He smiled. "Step into the portal, and you will be back in your own world. Little time has passed there since you departed; to them, it will be as if you were only away for a few minutes."

"Perfect," he said. "Thank you."

"Until we meet again, Vaas the Human," Celestia said with a smirk.

Vaas smiled back. "I highly doubt that, cunt," Vaas said, before raising his gun and shooting her in the face. The wall behind Celestia was splattered with red, and she slumped forward, falling out of her throne. Vaas dove through the portal before any of the guards could react. He barely had time to get completely through; as soon as his foot exited on the other side, it closed shut noiselessly behind him.

He landed in the grass. Ten feet in front of him was one of his pirates, still taking a piss. The man had taken no notice of Vaas's sudden entrance. Vaas grinned.

Standing up, he strode over to next to the pirate, undid his belt and fly, and began pissing next to him. The man jumped, averting his eyes and standing at attention, then realized that his member was still hanging out and quickly redid his pants. Vaas finished, and rebuttoned his own trousers.

"We, uh, lost Brody, sir," the pirate said. "He fell into the river, but we don't think he's dead."

"Well," Vaas said. "What the fuck are you waiting for, then?! Go fucking find him!"

His man jumped again, hastily uttered a "Yes, sir," and began to run down the forest path.

Oh, yes. This was more fucking like it.