Vaas Montenegro Learns the Magic of Friendship

The chains... Were too damn tight.

As was to be expected, Vaas supposed. He was in prison, after all. He was cold, and hungry, and soaked in a cold sweat from the strain of supporting his weight. But, hey. At least no one had asked him to pick up the soap yet.

Yet.

The room he was in was made of smooth stone but for the large oak door, windowless, and perpetually dark. He had awoken to the trickle of blood down his arms, the chains cutting into his wrists as he hung by his arms from the ceiling, some six feet above the ground. He realized shortly afterwards that he was naked.

Since then, the flow of blood from his wrists had barely ceased, only relenting when he forced himself not to move for long periods of time. He simply hung his head, closed his eyes, and waited for his next meal.

Vaas knew there was no escaping his confines this time. And he had tried; oh, how he had tried. His screaming and writhing did naught but increase the pain in his wrists. He could only imagine how his hands looked; blackened, surely, from lack of blood-flow. He could barely feel them.

He did not know how long he had been in the cell. At first, he kept track of time by the meals he ate; three to a day. But soon, the count passed into into the double-digit marks, and he lost track. He could no longer tell what was breakfast, lunch, and dinner, as it was all the same food anyway, a cold, lumpy gruel with bits of meat thrown in.

When he needed to shit, he shat. When he felt the urge to piss, he pissed. The floor was slanted slightly, so any fluids would run down into a drain below him. Once, he had become so horribly sick from undernourishment that he forcibly vomited up the contents of his stomach immediately after the guard had fed him, spattering the floor and the guard himself with bloody partially-digested food. The stallion had stormed off in a rage, and no one had come to clean the mess up, leaving Vaas with the stink of urine, shit, and vomit.

After what could only have been months of imprisonment, his cell door opened, and burning torchlight streamed through. Vaas did not lift his head; he merely opened his mouth, preparing for the first bite of his meal.

"Vaas Montenegro."

Vaas snapped his head up, his bloodshot eyes wide and staring. Princess Celestia stood in the doorway, the torchlight dancing in her ice-cold eyes.

"We spared your life for the sole reason of needing your help. This has not changed."

Vaas stared at her, his jaw hanging open slightly.

"You will help us. You will succeed. And when the threat is dealt with... When the Underworld is... Ashes... Then... You have my permission to die."

The Underworld?

Vaas worked his jaw, trying to find the right words.

Celestia waited, motionless as a statue. It seemed they were once again playing their game.

"... Could someone wipe my ass for me, please?" he pleaded. "You cannot imagine how crusty it is down there."

Celestia wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"You shall be... Taken care of... Once you are released."

"Oh thank God..." Vaas sighed.

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "God?"

"It's a fucking metaphor or some shit like that. Now... Did I hear you right? You mentioned something about the Underworld?"

"Yes," Celestia confirmed. "An army of the Dead, rising from Tartarus, led by the demon king Mephistopheles."

"... And what do you want me to do about it?"

"I want you to kill them."

Well, how fucking original.

"And what makes you think that I am capable of such a feat?" he asked mockingly. "Why not send one of your Unicorn Special Forces or some shit?"

"You have that... Thing."

Vaas looked down.

"That?" he asked. "Jesus, Princess, I mean, it's powerful, but I don't know if I can fuck the demon lord of Tartarus to death with it."

"No..." Celestia said, cringing. "Not... Not your genitals. The thing that you... Murdered... Twilight with."

"Who's Twilight?"

Celestia's eyes narrowed in rage. The room seemed to grow brighter, and Celestia herself taller. Although the light was an improvement, a new atmosphere seemed to enter the room, one reminiscent of the smells of burning flesh, sulfur and brimstone, and the acrid stench of black smoke. Her eyes closed, and she took a deep breath. The magic ended abruptly, and the room went back to it's cool, damp, dark self.

"Twilight Sparkle," she said. "was the Alicorn whose brains you splattered against the wall in my throne room. You're going to use the weapon that you murdered Twilight with to defeat Mephistopheles."

Vaas was silent for a moment.

"... My gun?"

"Yes, your... Gun."

"You want me to defeat the demon lord of Tartarus and his armies by shooting them with my gun."

"Yes."

He pondered this, and burst out laughing.

"Princess..." he said, as tears of mirth rolled down his cheek. "You truly are the stupidest fucking cunt I've ever met."

Celestia did not smile.

"And I will explain why that is," Vaas continued. "after I have been freed from these chains, I have had a decent meal, and my ass has been wiped."

***

Celestia did all these things for him, and more. No hospitality was denied to him. The first thing he did was go the the lavatory and ruin a perfectly good wet washcloth; two Unicorn mares came into his chambers soon after and gave him a soft black robe to wear, which had to have been made just for him; then he was led to the banquet hall, where Equestrian delicacies of every kind were served to him. Then, when his stomach was full to bursting and he felt like vomiting from the richness of the food, he ordered a straight razor and shaved off the rough beard that he had grown in his confinement.

When he was satisfied, he was led by two of the Royal Guard to his chambers to find Celestia waiting for him, sitting on a purple velvet cushion. Beside her, on a smaller black cushion, was Vaas's 1911 pistol. Vaas was surprised to note that it had been polished to a shine.

He also noted that the magazine chamber was empty. There appeared to be no extra mags in the room.

"Princess," Vaas said, slowly, as if talking to a particularly dull child. "Where are the magazines for my gun?"

"Your magazines?" Celestia said, apparently caught off guard by the question. "I do not see what magazines have to do with your weapon."

"Not reading magazines, Celestia," Vaas said, seething. "Gun magazines. The little metal containers that I keep my ammunition in. They were on my belt."

"All of your personal articles besides your weapon were burned."

"Why?"

Celestia smirked. "They were too dirty."

"You idiotic bitch!" Vaas screamed. Celestia's smile disappeared. "I can't shoot my gun without my ammunition! How am I supposed to kill your fucking armies from Hell is I can't shoot my goddamn gun?!"

"Oh," Celestia said.

Vaas screamed at her just pure, incoherent, vocalized rage.

"We have swords and shields," Celestia suggested. "As well as maces, spears, and axes, and any armor you could ever wish to have. Trust me, Vaas the Human. You shall not want for weaponry. Relax."

Vaas stared at her for a moment, and abruptly sat on the floor.

"Okay," he said. "I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed."

He closed his eyes.

"Now," he said. "Where is the rest of the Fellowship of the Ring? It's pretty obvious I can't do this alone."

"Fellowship of the Ring?" Celestia cocked her head. "Once again, I'm afraid I do not understand-"

"Forget it," Vaas interrupted. "I'm not traveling alone, right?"

"No," Celestia said. "You shall have six companions to assist you."

Vaas laughed mirthlessly. "You... You expect me to defeat the Army of Darkness with only six companions?"

"No," she said. "I expect you to defeat the Army of Darkness by yourself, with the six companions there only to ensure your arrival at the gates of Hell. They are expendable. You, however much it may pain me to say so, are not."

Vaas stopped smiling.

"Mephistopheles's power," Celestia explained. "is the only thing keeping his army alive. His demon soldiers are created purely out of the dark energy that Mephistopheles himself naturally generates. Eliminate him- kill the main power source- and his legions of monsters will die with him."

"Why me?" Vaas asked, in all seriousness. "Why does this have to be me?"

"You are a warrior," Celestia said. For a moment, she almost sounded like his sister. If filled Vaas's heart with longing for home, and more importantly, for Citra. "More so than anyone in the realm. If anyone can do this, it is you."

"I don't know the way," he said. "How am I supposed to get there? Where is the Underworld, exactly?"

"The gates of Hell," Celestia said. "Are literally at the bottom of the world. Equestria is in the northern hemisphere of the earth, while Mephistopheles's kingdom is in the farthest reaches of the southern hemisphere, in the Night Lands, where no living soul treads. There is no road that leads there, only a direction: south. Anyone who journeys in that direction long enough will wind up there eventually. Whether you are still living when you arrive, however, is a different story."

Vaas pondered this, journeying all the way across the world, when suddenly, a thought struck him.

"How do you know about this?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, how do you know about this impending attack if it's clear across the world?"

"My sister has informed me," Celestia answered. "Her dominion is in the night, and she sees where I cannot: the Night Lands themselves. I myself thought that Mephistopheles and his kingdom of the damned were mere legends, until Luna told me otherwise."

"And you trust your sister with this information?"

"I would trust my sister with my life."

Vaas was silent for a long while.

"When do I leave?" he finally asked.

"As soon as the preparations are made," Celestia replied. "We will have you fitted for armor and allow you to peruse the armory for any weapons of your choosing. The other six are making similar preparations."

"And just who are these other companions?" Vaas asked, almost dreading the answer.

"Miss Fluttershy," Celestia answered. "Miss Pinkie Pie, Miss Applejack, Miss Rainbow Dash, Spike the Dragon-"

"Oh, he's a dragon..." Vaas said, mostly to himself. "Of course he's a fucking dragon..."

"- and..." Celestia continued. "Miss Rarity."

Vaas froze.

"No," he said. "Not that bitch. Not that fucking cunt. Anyone but her."

"I'm afraid she's the only option. Next to you, these six are the most qualified ponies in Equestria, besides, perhaps, Luna and myself."

"So why don't you go, bitch?" Vaas asked through gritted teeth.

This time, it was Celestia who was silent.

"I simply cannot," she said, closing her eyes. "If I were to not return... The consequences would be too great and terrible to imagine."

"And that brings up another point," Vaas said. "Can you promise that I will come back?"

Another silence.

"No," Celestia said. "And if you do, you will not be the same."

The sentence hung in the air like a fog, clouding Vaas's thought process. He put his fingers to his temple and closed his eyes, trying to think of what to say next.

"These six others who are going with me," Vaas began. "Do you care for them?"

Celestia stiffened. "Yes," she answered.

"You realize that I can't guarantee their safety."

She nodded grimly, but there was pain in her eyes as she said, "As I said... They are expendable."

They locked eyes, and suddenly, there was no more that needed to be said. Vaas picked up his now useless pistol and walked towards the door, but thought better of it before exiting. He turned, and tossed the piece of metal down in front of Celestia. "Keep it," he said coldly. "I don't need the fucking thing anymore."

He stormed out of the room.

"Cunt," he muttered.