Hello everypony. My name is Chris Hoofson, and this is to catch a predator, clop edition. If you’re just joining us we have already caught several people, who by observable evidence, intending to violate the innocence of young fillies and colts right here in this suburban home. I warn you, the realities brought to you in this program may be disturbing to young viewers.
11 PM, West Fillydelphia:
A tall, gangly man enters the decoy house. He has curly orange hair, a domo shirt, and a spiderman backpack. He walks in smiling as our decoy calls to him. When he is fully in the kitchen, Chris makes his move.
“Hello there.”
“Holy shit a talking pony!” exclaims the predator.
“Why don’t you have a seat?”
The man sits and fidgets nervously. He is obviously aware that shit just got real.
“So” I begin. “What’s your name?”
“Uh...Mike?”
“Do you mind if I just call you ‘AppleDashSandwich’? That is your screen name, isn’t it?
“I don’t know” Mike said nervously. “What the heck is this?”
“Never mind that for now” I said calmly. “Are you familiar with my kind? Maybe you’ve seen us on TV or the internet?”
“Um, yes sir yes I have.”
“What were you planning on doing tonight?”
“I don’t know” he says, looking at the floor. “Meet some friends I guess. Friendship is magic after all.”
“Friends you met online?”
“Well, maybe it was over the phone…yeah the phone.”
“I have the chat log right here, the one you had with ‘Filly_on_the_Pilly’. Do you remember this conversation?”
“Oh God…I mean no sir.”
“Well let me try to refresh your memory. You ask how old she is, she says she’s twelve. Sound familiar yet?”
Mike is silent.
“Allow me to continue. Things start getting sexual. You ask for some pics of her. The next thing you say is ‘hot damn. U ish pony? Me gusta.”
“Listen man, I’ve never done anything like this before. I swear I was just gonna talk with her. It’s not every day a guy meets a talking pony.”
“Just going to talk huh? Let me read a little more”
Filly_on_the_Pilly: Yeah, I’m a pony, aren’t you?
AppleDashSandwich: Nah bish ima hooman.
Filly_on_the_Pilly: :O!
AppleDashSandwich: IKR?
Filly_on_the_Pilly: Cool
AppleDashSandwich: So, I never see them in the show…but I gotta know…
Filly_on_the_Pilly: Yuss?
AppleDashSandwich: Do you have…um…that special place that girl’s have…
Filly_on_the_Pilly:…?
AppleDashSandwich: A vagina?
Filly_on_the_Pilly: Well duh! Of course >///<
AppleDashSandwich: *wingboner*
Filly_on_the_Pilly: Wings? Boner?
AppleDashSandwich: Nvrmind x3
Filly_on_the_Pilly: ok :D
AppleDashSandwich: So… you ever seen a penis before?
Filly_on_the_Pilly: No ^///^
AppleDashSandwich: Wanna see mine?
“Wait a minute!” shouted Mike.
“Yes?”
“This is friggin crazy. I thought this was just some dude! Some Dude who drew some pony pics or used that ponymaker thing! How would a pony even type? This is ridiculous!”
“Oh really?” Iask. “What’s in the bag?”
“Oh this bag?”
“Yes that bag.”
“Nothing…I’m just gonna…leave now.” Mike books it for the door, but I magically grab his foot, causing him to trip. Chris I unzip the backpack magically, and pull out several objects.
“So what were you going to do with these condoms?” I ask.
“What those? I always carry some condoms bro.”
“And this lube? You always carry this too?”
“It’s uh…great for the pores” Mike said sheepishly.
“And this filly sized bridle?”
Mike said nothing, just looked down in shame.
“Why would you do this?” I ask. No matter how many times I see this, it never ceases to both disturb and confound me. They drive me to cheat on my wife.
“You know…dat plot is just…good plot” said Mike.
“I think it’s time I told you who I am. I’m Chris Hoofson, with Equestrian News Daily, and on this show we are exposing the dangers of online filly predators.”
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie came in, each holding cameras.
“Silly willy thought he’d get some cloppy woppy” said Pinkie Pie with a laugh. “By the way” she said to Mike as she zoomed in. “AppleDashSandwich huh? That’s priceless!” She cracked up laughing. “AppleDash Sandwich AppleDash Sandwich!” she hopped around chanting.
“Shut up Pinkie Pie!” said Rainbow Dash, her face glowing red.
Mike looked around with wonder in his eyes. Two members of the mane 6 were right before his very eyes! He could totally clop to this.
“Now we have no power to keep you here any longer” concluded Chris Hoofson. “You are free to go.”
Mike got up sullenly and started to leave, but just before exiting the house he turned around.
“Um, Rainbow Dash? I’m probably not gonna get another chance to ask this and I’ve gotta know. Are you a homosexual?”
“I’d save that question for your cellmate if I were you” snickered Rainbow Dash in response. Mike tried to run away, but suddenly a platoon of pegasus guards swooped down out of nowhere.
“Stop right there, criminal scum!” one shouted and they piled on Mike. Mike struggled to get away, but he was no match for the pony guards. They tazed his ass silly and then flew him off to be judged by a herd of his peers.
“That certainly was something!” said Chris Hoofson. “Stick around for more predators becoming the prey in this edition of To Catch a Clopper!”
A commercial flicks on in the break:
A few kids are sitting around in a dinner table, with bored looks on their faces. One kid starts picking his nose.
“Hey kids!” shouts a familiar voice.
“Discord!” they all happily scream in unison.
“Wanna try a fun new drink?” shouts Discord as he swoops in the room.
“Alcohol?” They all ask in unison.
“What, Alcohol? No…no what’s wrong with you kids you’re only like ten years old!”
“Awwwwwww” said the kids.
“No, I brought something even better!”
“Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!”
Announcer guy voice starts:
“Introducing…Milkolate Choc! The drink you glass of have beverage… in a glass…or maybe of a glass that you drink as liquid…whatever. Anyway just slurp down that glass and discard the remaining fluid like a prom night dumpster baby!”
Warning: Beverage is extremely combustable. Side effects from the explosions include head trauma, broken limbs, and destruction of property and death. Further side effects from drinking the glass include insanity and a possible tear in the fabric of time and space.
“Buy today!” shouts Discord, and the screen fades to black.
“And we’re back folks” cries Pinkie Pie. “The next predator we have coming up said some pretty raunchy stuff in the trap chat, so be prepared for a super duper sticky sicky psycho CRAZINESS!”
“Pinkie Pie!” shouted Chris. “Get back and hide, I hear someone at the door.”
“Hello?” called the new predator as she walks inside the trap.
“Hi there why don’t you have a….PRINCESS CELESTIA?”
“You’re not Filly_on_the_Pilly” replied Princess Celestia angrily. “What are you doing here? State your buissiness”
“What am I doing here? What are YOU doing here princess?” I ask.
“You want to know why I’m here?” asked the princess.
“Yes I kinda do!” huffed Chris Hoofson.
“Sure I’ll tell you, but first, are you hungry? Do you want a snack?”
“Huh?”
“I just asked if you wanted a bite to eat. I think I have some bananas here…do you like bananas?”
I can feel the color drain from my face, and recall the dark rumors of surrounding the fair princess. My eye twitches nervously and I start to back away.
“What was that your highness?”
“Do you like…mmmmmmmbananas?”
Oh God.
"I came here for some good clop and I'm not leaving without it" the princess adorned would could only be described as extreme rape face. "I think it's time you learned why they call me...Molestia!"
“You know what I think we’re done here. Thanks for tuning in folks and see you next time for…huh, Princess? What are you doing with that banana? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
ZE END!
