"I'm Tired Of All This"

by Dasponi

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, Suicide / Self Harm, Slice of Life, Sad, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3081

Scootaloo left a letter in the clubhouse detailing her past, and her present. Now she's gone off to Ghastly Gorge to prove she can fly.

When Dash went to the Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse to see if anypony was around she found something she wasn't expecting at all. It was a note from Scootaloo, detailing some of her past and her inner anguish. Scootaloo had been holding back far more pain than anypony knew and one way or another, she was going to end it at Ghastly Gorge.

My first attempt at a sadfic, inspired by my own feelings of depression and worthlessness. I decided to write my feelings out instead of wallowing in self pity. It was also written at 2AM so forgive any mistakes. I did proof read it but you can never be too careful. Decided to rate it teen for the suicidal subject matter.

Sequel can be found here!

Published 2013-04-19 17:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-20 09:20:13 UTC

The Note

I'm beginning to understand why it is that I don't try. It seems I'll just never be good enough. I used to try things, and I thought I should give it another go. Once again though all I heard was ponies telling me I could do better. All I heard was them saying that I wasn't good enough. At first it seemed like maybe they were trying to get me to better myself but as time went on it became obvious that this wasn't the case. I could tell that they all didn't like me and that they really thought I could never be good enough. Do you have any idea what that's like? To be told constantly that you're not good enough? To be told that you'll never be able to do what you want to do?

I suppose while none of you told me that outright, I knew that's what you were all thinking. None of you thought that I could do what I wanted to do. None of you ever thought I was good enough. Instead of trying to help and support me though all you did was tell me that I wasn't good enough. I thought that you liked me, and that you wanted me to be the best I could be, but in the end I guess I was wrong.

I guess I was foolish to hope wasn't I? It's hardly the first thing I've been a fool to hope for I guess.

This time though I really thought things could have been different. I thought that this time I was with people who really did love me and didn't just say it. Even if it was false hope you gave me, for a while it was hope at least. The people before didn't even give me false hope. They just told me outright that I could never do or be anything. All I was to them was a worthless little filly who couldn't do anything right.

I think that's why they abandoned me really. Everypony has abandoned me in the end but it really started back then. They were the first to abandon me. I could never be good enough for them so they didn't even bother trying. They just shipped me off to the orphanage and made me somepony eleses problem. Before they dropped me off I overheard that my mum was pregnant again. I heard my dad say that he hoped that the new foal wouldn't be a worthless chicken this time. Personally I think they only have themselves to blame for that. The people in the orphange weren't so bad at first. They felt sorry for me and tried to show me I wasn't worthless but eventually they gave up on me too. Nopony wanted to adopt a Pegasus that couldn't fly. The one and only time I managed to succeed at anything was when I escaped from there on a scooter they let me play with.

If my parents are to blame for how I turned out though then why am I the one being punished? Why am I the one who is left broken and alone? Why am I the one who can't fly? Why am I the one who has to sleep in a clubhouse in the middle of a farm because I have nowhere else to go?

Are you shocked to learn this is where I live? I suppose you would be. You never cared enough to ask me things about my life. You can say you just assumed things but I won't believe you. You just didn't care enough. When we tried being on the school paper and Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were with their sisters, where was I? I was alone, like I've always been. Did anypony care to ask me why I was alone? Of course not, they were all too busy playing happy families to notice me.

I remember one time Sweetie Belle and Rarity got in to a fight and Apple Bloom said Sweetie could borrow Applejack for the day. It was something to do with ponies and their sisters and some silly competition. I don't know what happened really because, once again, I wasn't there. I didn't have a sister, and I don't think I ever will. I'll probably never have a loving family. I sometimes wonder why she never gave me that offer, so I knew what it was like to have a sister, but I suppose that, once again, she just didn't care enough about me. I know we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and we've made a promise to always be there for eachother, but you guys aren't here when it's cold at night and when I'm scared. You tease me and you don't know how much your words can hurt. You laugh at me and call me a chicken. Sometimes you're no better than Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon with how you treat me.

Don't even get me started on those two. Calling me names like "Blank Flank" while Miss Cheerilee just watches as the other kids in class laugh at us. At all of us. You guys seem to be able to just brush it off and go about your day but it gets to me. When it's dark and all I have are my own thoughts to keep me company.

I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of being called a chicken and I'm tired of ponies thinking that I can't fly. I don't care what it takes, I don't care anymore if I live or die. In fact I'm making that my oath right now. This is it. I don't care what happens to me any more. I'm going to Ghastly Gorge and I'm going to prove once and for all that I can fly, no matter what you say. I'm going to go there and I'm going to jump off of the side in to the gorge and whether I live or die, well that's up to if I fly I guess. This life so far has been nothing but pain and one way or another I plan to be free from it.

I swear I'm going to fly, and prove you all wrong. I can be good enough. If I can't, then at least I'm going to be free. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.

~Scootaloo.

"Oh...buck..." Rainbow Dash said to herself as she read the letter that had been left in the clubhouse. She promptly set off in to the air, in the direction of Ghastly Gorge. She prayed she wasn't too late.

Author's Note

As the description said this is my first attempt at writing a sadfic and I wrote it at 2AM whilst feeling utterly depressed and worthless myself. Expect the second half of the story either by the end of the week or early next week.

So I Jump

"Well, I guess this is it." Scootaloo said to herself as she looked down over the edge of Ghastly Gorge. She had left the clubhouse as soon as she left the note and her determination had not wavered in the slightest since then. If anything her resolve had been strengthened as she had passed through the town without incident. Nopony had stopped her to ask how she was, or what she was up to. Barely any of them had even acknowledged her. Somepony of sound mind might think that they were probably so used to seeing her ride around that they just thought nothing of it anymore. Scootaloo could barely be considered of sound mind anymore though. She had just taken it as a sign that no one really cared about her and that she was doing the right thing. Either she would fly, or she would be free. She told herself she would be free either way. Free from the taunts, the pain and misery, and the shame of being unable to fly. She took one last look over the edge, gulped, and dove in to the nothingness that waited below.

It was exhilarating. The rush of the wind and the feel of it as it caressed her body brought a smile to her face as she closed her eyes and flapped her wings as hard as she could. Regardless of what happened now she knew what it was like to fly. She could tell now why Rainbow tried to fly so fast. As she picked up speed as she fell, she felt more and more exhilarated and, perhaps ironically as she was plummeting to her death, alive.

It took about half a minute for her to realise that things might be going wrong. She was flapping her wings as hard as she could but she was still falling, she was still going down.

"I knew this could happen, and this might be for the best." she thought to herself as she began to accept her fate. "I'm sorry for being so useless...At least now you won't have to deal with me anymore." she muttered quietly in to the air to nopony in particular.

Scootaloo exhaled as she felt herself hit something soft and before she knew it she felt herself flying up in to the air at an incredible speed. She opened her eyes and saw that she was indeed headed straight up towards the edge of the gorge she had jumped from what felt like a lifetime ago. She looked behind herself and saw a rainbow trail, the kind left in the wake of a Sonic Rainboom. For a scant second she toyed with the idea she had somehow managed to pull off a rainboom and that she had simply been flying downwards, not falling. Her brief moment of hope was shattered however when she looked down and saw she had landed on a large piece of blue fur. She would recognise where she was anywhere. She had landed on the back of Rainbow Dash. Her idol, her mentor, yet another person who had let her down. Scootaloo would have continued her poisonous thoughts when she noticed something. It looked like Rainbow Dash was crying. Scootaloo couldn't understand why she, the bravest pony in all of Equestria could be crying. She decided instead to just wait until they made it to the top of the Gorge. She had assumed that was where they were heading at least.

Given Rainbow's speed it didn't take long at all and before Scootaloo knew it she had been bumped off of Rainbow's back and pulled in to the tightest hug she had ever experienced. She scrambled her way out of it and sat staring away from Rainbow.

"What they hay was that all about?!" Rainbow demanded. There were still a few tears in her eyes and so she quickly wiped them away with a foreleg.

"What was what about? Why are you even here?" Scootaloo replied. She turned a little towards Rainbow but still wouldn't look her in the eyes and instead stared at the ground. Tears were forming in her eyes but she refused to let them fall.

"I came because I found what you left in the clubhouse. I came to stop you from doing something stupid. You don't know how thankful I am I made it in time." Rainbow replied with a smile. Scootaloo didn't buy it however and still refused to look at her.

"I know you don't care. I know nopony cares." Scootaloo said, unable to hold back the tears anymore. They fell freely from her eyes and matted the fur of her coat. "I can't even fly so why don't you just leave me alone and let me get it over with!" she shouted as she made a break towards the edge of the Gorge again. Rainbow reacted quickly and blocked Scootaloo's path. She pulled Scootaloo in to another tight hug and wiped away her tears.

"If I didn't care about you I wouldn't be here right now." Rainbow said, trying to comfort Scootaloo with words as well as with actions. Rainbow gently brushed Scootaloo's mane with her foreleg to help calm her down more.

"If you cared about me then I wouldn't be here right now." Scootaloo countered with an argument of her own. Rainbow had to admit it was a good one, but she knew how to answer.

"Squirt...Scoots...I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. I really didn't know any of that was happening. I'm so sorry Scoots. Please don't do anything like this again." Rainbow said, breaking in to tears once more. She nuzzled Scootaloo and continued brushing her mane, trying to calm herself down now as much as Scootaloo.

"Why didn't you just let me fall? Why didn't you let me just end my pain already?" Scootaloo said so quietly that Rainbow might not have heard her if she wasn't so close.

"Because nopony deserves to be that alone, to hurt that much. I never wanted you to be alone Scootaloo and I never would have let you be if I knew." Rainbow replied.

"So what? You're going to magically fix everything now and take all the pain away?" Scootaloo replied snarkily.

"No, I don't think even I can do that. But I am going to help you deal with it Scoots. If you'll let me that is."

"If I let you? If I let you back in just so you can be mean to me again and to always tell me I'm not good enough?" Scootaloo was beginning to shriek as all her anger boiled over and she didn't bother trying to contain it anymore.

"I never said you weren't good enough." Rainbow stated simply, bringing a look of shock to Scootaloo's face. It wasn't an answer she was expecting.

"Yes you did! You were always telling me to do better and to try harder and saying I wasn't good enough!" she attested. Rainbow Dash sighed.

"I told you that you can do better yeah, but that doesn't mean you aren't good enough. I can try to do better, everypony can. If you're really trying your absolute hardest then tell me, okay? To me you really are one of the coolest little fillies I know." Rainbow said, trying to reassure Scootaloo.

"But I can't even fly." Scootaloo replied. Her mind wouldn't crack and allow Rainbow's words to penetrate and convince her that she was anything other than useless.

"We can work on that. I can teach you and if you really, really, really can't fly then it doesn't even matter anyway."

"It...it doesn't?" Scootaloo said as she stared up in to the large and moist eyes of Rainbow Dash. She saw no hint of a lie in them.

"Of course it doesn't, why would it?"

"It mattered to my parents...and to the orphanage...and to anypony who might have adopted me and given me a home..." Scootaloo said, looking away from Rainbow once more.

"Yeah but I'm something they're not, and never could have been." Rainbow said, turning Scootaloo's face around so she was looking in to her eyes again. She wanted her answer to the next question she expected Scootaloo to ask to be said without a shadow of a doubt, and while she looked straight in to her eyes.

"And what's that?" came Scootaloo's inevitable reply, and the question Dash was expecting.

"I'm somepony who loves you." Rainbow Dash said. It had the effect she was hoping for. Scootaloo started crying again and dove deep in to Rainbow's chest, crying and muttering apologies.

"I'm so sorry Dash, I'm so so so sorry." Scootaloo said between sobs.

"It's okay Scoots, I messed up too. Can you forgive me?" Rainbow replied.

"Of course I can, if you can forgive me." came Scootaloo's soft reply.

"Consider us even." Rainbow said as she nuzzled Scootaloo again. The pair stayed like that for a few more minutes until they inevitably had to let go of eachother. When they did they gave eachother a once over glance and let out a small giggle over the mess that had become their coats thanks to all the tears. Rainbow Dash's chest was mottled where Scootaloo had buried herself in to it and Scootaloo herself had developed frizzy hair in her mane where Dash had been crying. Eventually the small giggles became full blown laughs as the pair let out all the stress and tension that had been building up. Rainbow Dash was the first to stop laughing as she picked Scootaloo up in her mouth, silencing her, and tossed her on to her back.

"What are you doing?" Scootaloo asked, poking her head through the space between Rainbow's ears.

"Well first of all we're going to get you cleaned up, and then I'm going to see if I can teach you to fly. SAFELY." Rainbow replied, stressing the last word. She was in no hurry to have a repeat of the day's events. Scootaloo beamed and nuzzled her way in to Rainbow Dash's mane, wrapping her hooves around Rainbow's neck so she wouldn't fall as the two of them were flying. Rainbow kicked off from the ground and Scootaloo gave another squeal. One of delight this time, instead of anguish.

She decided it was much better to be flying than falling.

Author's Note

Thank you everypony for reading this. I hope you don't mind the ending, as I expect some were expecting a nice old fashioned suicide, but I wanted to end on a hopeful note. No matter how you may feel about your life, or the people around you, someone will always be there for you if you let them in. Don't live your life keeping others out. The first half was written in a depression where I felt like I was nothing, and this second half is the realisation that I am something, and that there are people there. I hope you enjoyed the story. I'd also like to take this chance to say "yay" over the fact that before I submitted this chapter it got over 100 views and not a single downvote.

*cue downvoting over the happy ending*

I'd offer to write an alternate ending where Dash doesn't make it but I'm not sure I could actually do it. I've killed off characters before in my other, non-pony works, but I don't think I could kill off a pony. Especially one as small and cute as Scoots.