The Drunken Ramblings of Princess Luna
What the actual fuck! I mean, seriously, back before I was fucking banished, I could command ponies to have sex with me. Now, though, my sister’s solo rule fucked everything up. Now there is this whole thing called “courting." Dafuq is dat shit.
I play some vidya games with the hottest stallions in Equestria, or so I fucking thought. I tried to visit one in their me damned dreams and he was a fucking fat, extremely sweaty stallion. When he saw me, his little penis started to show its tiny head. It was fucking disgusting. I immediately left the dream after that. I mean, seriously, I thought you couldn’t lie on the me damned internet. I am the damned Princess of the fucking Night. I don’t give a fuck what those fucking peasants call Twilight Sparkle. Yeah, I read her journal. What ya gonna do about it? So she’s having a bad time. Bitch, get on my fucking level! I was fucking banished to the moon for one fucking thousand years! Do that shit and then get back to me. You don’t know Jack shit.
Sorry, diary, I got off on a tangent. Now, back to the subject at hoof. I need the D. It has been one thousand and two fucking years since I’ve had somepony inside of me. At this point, I don’t give a fuck if it is a fucking mare with a fucking strap-on. I just need something other than my toys or hoof inside me.
Luna cuts off her magic that was holding the quill as she heard a knock on the door.
“Lulu, it’s me,” she hears her sister’s voice come through the door. “It is time for the Triple Court.”
Luna sighs, The Triple Court was her least favorite time of the day. It was the court that was held at dusk, with all three princesses residing. Cadance was excluded due to her ruling the Crystal Empire. If she were still in Canterlot, the gathering would be called the Quad Court, and Luna would hate it even more. She takes a long swig of her drink before responding. “I’ll be right out, Tia.” She slowly gets out of her chair and steadily makes her way to the door so as not to betray her drunkenness. She opens the door slowly to see Celestia giving her a stern look.
“You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you, Lulu?” Celestia asks in a tone suggesting a mother scolding an errant child.
“So what if I have?” she slurs. “I have the right to be drunk in front of all those ponies who mindlessly babble on about the woes of their pathetic existence.”
“LUNA FAUSTSDAUGHTER!” Celestia shouts in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Those are our subjects. We should treat them with the same respect they give us.”
“But why should we?” Luna whines. “All they ever do is bitch and moan. ‘His son raped my daughter.’ ‘He planted his crops on my land.’” She put on her best peasant interpretation. “Why the hell can they not settle these disputes on their own?”
Celstia sighs and lowers her head slightly. “I’ve told you, sister, that no matter how small the grievance, if a pony comes to us we are obligated to respond. Now, I will hear no further aguing from you. Get your crown on and meet me downstairs in ten minutes.” With that, the Sun Goddess turns and leaves.
Luna goes to her dresser that holds her crown, mumbling something about the way things were one thousand years ago. She roughly puts her crown on her head, wincing at the pain she inflicted upon herself, and makes her way down the stairs to the Grand Hall of Canterlot Castle.
Three long hours later, Luna trudges back into her chambers, a small glass of red wine clasped in her magic. Upon closing the door, she flings the glass and its contents across the room to shatter as she gallops to her prize, a huge bottle of Applejack whiskey. That mare was always her favorite of the Elements. Luna grabs the bottle in her magical grasp and pulls out the cork with her mouth. After taking a long swig, she canters happily over to her writing desk and sits down.
Now where was I? Oh, yes, I was writing about needing a stallion to warm my bed at night. Well, none the drivel at the fucking Court were any good looking. Like I would want any of them anyway. They are just so fucking snobbish. Back in my day the aristocracy was brutal, cut throat even. There were wars among families and blood in the streets. The stallions were fierce in bed. Today’s stallions could not even compare to the limp dick of a stallion from back then. I am thinking I might try to get a lower class pony. That Big Macintosh character is not so bad looking, and he is related to one of the Elements of Harmony. Oh, what I would do to that stallion, but I digress. I don’t think it would even work. I mean, I wouldn’t want to ruin my relationship with Applejack. Speaking of Applejack, she makes a fine ass whiskey. She also has a fine ass. That apple bottom sets my heart to longing.
Now, diary, I know it is getting early and it is almost time for me to let Celestia raise the sun but I have one last thing to say to you.
I will rut the fuck out of the first pony who offers. That is all.
Luna slowly leaned back in her chair in closed her eyes, only to feel as if the room were spinning around her. She reached for the wastebasket next to her desk and immediately threw up into it. She felt a slight tug on her horn, indicating that Celestia wanted to raise the sun. She released her magic that kept the moon in place before slowly crawling over to her bed. Once there, she began to slowly inch her right forehoof in between her hind legs. Before she could reach her prize, however, she passed out, snoring like a wildebeest.
Author's Note
SO i was really fucked up when I wrote this. SO was Luna. She is apparently a heavy curser and nympho when drunk. Hope you enjoyed the read.
Love,
Distorted
