“MMMRRRRRAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!”

Other ponies could probably be forgiven for thinking that a live, angry wildcat had just invaded the hospital, furious and yowling as if sprayed with a hose... for Pinkie Pie was acting like she’d been swapped with one.

She hissed. She spat. She freshly reacquainted many to the true meaning of the word ‘caterwaul.’ She’d long since given up yelling actual words, having since then shifted into shouting rustic, countryside profanity, finally settling into these catlike snarls and yowling. She clawed, (yes, clawed, with her hooves,) at the entrapment balloon she was held inside.

The entrapment balloon was a useful spell. It was just like the telekinetic entrapment bubbles which Twilight Sparkle used to confine Dash’s unruly animals... but with one key addition. There was a magical tether connecting the base of the bubble to Rarity’s horn, so that she was able to drag Pinkie through the air rather like a kid pulling a toy balloon by its string. Only problem was that the pink pony kept flailing backwards in the direction of the farm like a chain chomp in a Super Mario Brothers game, causing Rarity to jerk uncomfortably back and forth.

“Aah! P-pinkie! Please!” cried Rarity, now looking somewhat like a fisherman reeling in a giant marlin.

“Farming’s... not... FINISHED!!!” Pinkie snarled, finding her words.

“Don’t let ‘er go!” Apple Bloom cheered, skipping between Lero and Rarity. “Dig yer hooves in, Miz Rarity! Yew wanna keep a tight grip on that there ornery polecat!”

“Yew weedy lil’ traitor!” Pinkie Pie spat with her fiercest glower. “Ah’ll peel yew like a Golden Delicious once we’re back home!”

The little filly just blew a raspberry at her ‘big sister.' “Totally worth it!”

“Excuse me!” shouted an important-looking mare, trotting up to them. “I’m the director of this hospital! What the MEANING of all this?! You’re in a hospital, not a zoo! You’re disrupting our patients, some of whom are in delicate condition, indeed!”

“TELL ‘EM TA LET ME FARM!” Pinkie shrieked, bouncing against the walls of her balloon like the larva of a jumping bean moth, just nowhere near as endearing.

The hospital director took a step back, especially at the froth bubbling between Pinkie’s teeth, as Rarity stammered, “Well... I... we...”

Lero stepped in between Rarity and the director. “Please forgive us all, Miss Director, ma’am, especially for all the disruption we’re causing. Allow me to introduce my associates, the Element of Lau... of Loyalty, Rarity, and the Element of Honesty, Pinkie Pie. Maybe you’ve heard of them? We’re here on official Element of Harmony business, seeking to prevent another global catastrophe of apocalyptic proportions.”

“Huh?!” shrieked Pinkie, he frantic gyrations coming to a halt, too stunned to even protest further at this moment.

“A global catastrophe?” asked the director, he brow furrowing in confusion. “Of what nature?”

“All I can tell you this: the fate of the entire world rests on us reaching a certain patient of yours unimpeded,” he told her, in his finest Doctor Who impersonation. “So I’m sorry, but if you have any further objections, I suggest that you send your letter of complaint straight to Princess Celestia. Tell her, ‘It was the human.’ She’ll confirm everything I’m telling you!”

And he pushed past the director, the others following after him.

“Wow!” Apple Bloom gushed, as they continued down the corridor. “Ah thought we was jest bringing Pinkie Pie ta see Big Mac! Ah didn’t know we was savin’ the world!”

“We’re not,” Rarity said, shooting a truly dark look at Lero. It was the very first time, Pre-Swap or Post-Swap, that the white unicorn had looked upon Lero with such raw coldness or anger and he shivered, practically seeing the thunderous storm cloud that’d soon be forming over his own head.

“As the Element of Honesty, Ah’m callin’ Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!” Pinkie cried, pointing at Lero.

“Look, Rarity..." he said, as Rarity began slowing her pace, almost coming to a mulish stop. “Would you say Pinkie's acting anywhere near normal!?”

"Ah'm acting perfectly normal! AH JEST NEED TA FARM!" She practically screamed at them.

Rarity looked up to her. "...I hate to admit it, but... no."

"Yew mincing puffed-up lil' trait...!" Pinkie suddenly found the balloon slammed against the ceiling, bouncing her against the top, causing her to be dazed a few moments. Lero stared at her.

"Her attitude was starting to wear a bit thin on me. She'll forgive me. But anyhow, what was your point, Lero?"

"Well, she's been acting this way since we got back from Bramblewood..."

...Hmmm, what would be a good plausible-sounding excuse that the Swapped could latch onto...?

"...and personally, I suspect it's because she's lost Big Mac. I think bringing her here will help her. Besides, Mac asked us to bring her to him!"

“Well, no disrespect to Big Macintosh,” Rarity huffed. “But he’s not some mafia consigliere, and I’m not his kidnapper-for-hire!”

“I know he's not! But this is important!” he protested.

“I don't see how!” Rarity had come to a complete stop now.

"Do you think that Pinkie'd be much use dealing with an ACTUAL global catastrophe like... that?" He gestured up at the slowly-recovering Pinkie. "Something could happen at any time. If this helps her, it really will be Elements business!"

Rarity frowned. “Perhaps not... and perhaps so. But even still, we’ve dragged Pinkie out here completely against her will! I’m sorry, my love, but that’s just not right, and you know it!”

“Well, Big Macintosh wants yew to bring Pinkie her to ‘im, and Ah want yew ta bring her to ‘im too, so that’s two-over-one! She’s outvoted!”

“IT DON’T WORK THAT WAY, YA MUSH-BRAINED LIL’ SNOTRAG DOOF!!” Pinkie screeched. “YER SO FAR OUT OF YER DEPTH, YA NEED SCUBA GEAR TA KEEP FROM DROWNIN’ IN YER OWN IGNORANCE!”

“PINKAMENA DIANE PIE!”

There was a sudden, all-pervading quiet in the hospital. It's not that Mac was loud per se... he had used a bit of volume, yes, but it was more the tone. The soft-spoken gentle giant of Sweet Apple Acres was singing an entirely different tune: furious! It was like the voice God Almighty saved for Eve and Adam when they’d eaten the forbidden fruit; disappointment so deep your bones felt ashamed.

Rarity was so shocked by its sudden intensity, that her concentration completely broke. Her entrapment balloon popped out of existence causing Pinkie Pie to fall to the floor. But rather than bolt straight back for her farm, Pinkie Pie just stayed in place, shivering like a cripple bug looking up at the underside of a giant shoe.

“YEW QUIT SAYIN’ SUCH HORRIBLE THANGS TA YER LIL’ BABY SISTER, AND GET YER SORRY FLANK OVER HERE!”

It was like the Red Sea parting. Nurses, wheelchair-bound patients, interns, and anything with the remotest capability of locomotion got out of the way, parting a clear path. Pinkie Pie, meek as could be, trotted into her ‘brother’s’ hospital room. Apple Bloom, Rarity, and Lero all followed after her.

Looking at Big Macintosh’s face at that moment told Lero everything he’d need to know about what kind of father he’d be to his future children. It showed anger, but it was righteous and just. Terrifying to a child, but the type that made you fear privileges being revoked... or worse... being the shame of the family... or worst of all, a disappointment to him. Not the darkly menacing sort where the poor kid had to fear broken bones, or worse.

Lero was glad not to have such a look directed at him.

“Pinkie, Ah could hear yew caterwaulin’ from the moment ya’ll stepped inta the hospital,” he said to her firmly.

“Course Ah was cauterwaulin’!” Pinkie attempted a protest, with a hard look at Rarity and Lero. “These two jest up ‘n‘ abducted me right from mah buckin‘ right after Ah told ‘em Ah was too busy to come with ‘em! The only reason Ah ain’t calling the cops on them fer kidnapping is cuz they’re mah friends!”

“They did that because Ah told them to git ya. An' more to tha point, the only reason AH ain’t bootin’ ya off the farm, Pinkie, is cuz yer mah sister!”

Lero swore he saw Pinkie's fur grow several shade lighter as the blood drained from her face. She was reacting as though they were astronauts in a spaceship and Big Macintosh had just seriously threatened to eject her out of the airlock.

“Buh-b—boot m-m-me off?! Off Sweet Apple Acres?! No, Macky! W-w-w-why would yew even SAY such a horrible thang, even if ya don’t really mean it?!”

“Because Ah also been hearin’ OTHER thangs ‘bout yew. Lero here was stand-up enuf to be forthrigh' 'bout what's goin' on at tha farm. ‘Bout the way yew’ve been runnin’ thangs. From what Ah hear about how yer buckin’ the trees... Ah might as well’ve given Lero, here, the job of apple-bucker, and still gotten the same results!”

“Hey!” Pinkie cried, “Ah... Ah... Ah actually gotten enough practice in where SOME of ‘em are fallin’! Sometimes!” She protested feebly, giving a weak grin to Big Mac, but he did not grin back.

“Lero also had some words about the REST of yer farm work, too! Doing everythang stupider than a sackful of square cannonballs!”

“Ah’ve been WORKING HARD!” she cried.

“Yeah. Workin' hard," he snorted. "But not smart. He says yew HAVE been workin’, but ya’ve been as distractible and unfocused as a swarm of drunken hornets, and just as nasty ta be around! There’s not a chore at the farm ya haven’t left half-done! And he says yer apple preserves smell like poison! POISON, Pinkie Pie! That’s the stuff of the Flim Flam brothers, not the Apple Family!”

“It’s true! It’s true, big brother!” Apple Bloom chimed in. “Every word of it’s all true!”

Lero was astonished. Maybe courtroom dramas WERE the right genre for Mac, because he really got WORDY when chewing out the wrongdoers, demolishing every effort they made to defend themselves.

As Pinkie gave Apple Bloom one more indignant scowl, their big brother asked, “IS it true, Pinkie Pie?” He asked, quieter this time... but somehow more intense. Focused. Cutting right to the quick of the matter.

Maybe it was because she was now the ‘Element of Honesty.’ Maybe it was because Macintosh’s eyes brokered no lies. Maybe the pink elephant in the room had finally grown too big to ignore. “Yeah, Macky. It’s true.” She hung her head in shame.

The red stallion’s voice switched from thundering to dismayed. “Ah’d’ve thought this sorta thang of some wine-sipping, opera-goin’ city slicker what never had a plow hitched ta her, not YEW! What happened to ya, Pinkie Pie? Do ya not WANT to be a farmer no more?”

“No! NO!” She cried out. “Ah got my cutie mark cause Ah HAD to be at Sweet Apple Acres! Nowhere else would do! Farmin’ at our farm’s mah whole life!” The pink mare insisted.

And from dismay, Mac slipped into unhappiness. “The sad thang is, Ah kinda believe ya when yew say that,”

"It... it..." Pinkie trailed off, blinking hard, as if holding off tears. "Macky, Ah dunno what's wrong with m-me. Evah since yew got hurt, it... It's lahk everythang got a hundred tahms harder! Ah can't do anythin' as good as Ah remember doing, no matter how hard Ah try!"

Lero thought he’d see a blue moon rise before seeing Big Mac so near to tears. “Yew and Ah, Pinkie, we done EVERYTHING together. Work ‘n‘ play. But now... it’s been over two weeks since the flork got mah legs. Ah know yer tryin’ ta make up for me not being there, but... ya ain’t come by ONCE, Pinkie!”

Heartbroken, Pinkie Pie swept over to Big Mac’s side, giving him regretful, sisterly kisses on his cheek and brow. Even Apple Bloom went and hugged Pinkie’s back legs.

“Ah... Ah didn’t mean fer it to be like this!” Pinkie swore.

“Lero?” Rarity whispered. “Maybe we should give the three of them a moment to themselves.” And she begin to nudge him towards the door with the side of her head, not unlike a sheepdog herding a sheep. “I remember there being this darling little café, just outside the hospital... do you feel like having a cappuccino with me? My treat!”

Lero might have gone along with her to that café, trusting Mac and Apple Bloom to take it from here...

twitch.

GOD DAMMIT.

He saw the Apple Mark spasm on Pinkie’s flank. Her eyes widened while turning to look at it with the same neurotic obedience as Rainbow Dash did with her Butterfly Mark. He gave her a small amount of credit, though, she seemed to fight it for a few seconds longer.

You pig. He thought at the three apples. You unbelievably spiteful slave-driving pig. I don’t think Pinkie Pie’s given herself one break since the night of my welcome home party, and you can’t even allow her to spend a few moments to reconnect with this family you’ve foisted on her. And even beyond what you’re doing to Pinkie Pie... you’re supposed to be a part of Applejack! But between what you’re having Pinkie do to Applejack’s farm and how you’re having her treat Applejack’s family... just what kind of home will Applejack have to come home to, once we DO find a cure? Treacherous, evil pig. You give Pinkie a new life, only to burn it down around her.

Pinkie Pie twitched a few seconds while embracing her brother, before the mark spasmed again, and she suddenly released Mac and began backing towards the door.

“Pinkie?” Big Macintosh asked in disbelief.

She gave him an apologetic, pleading look. “Look, Macky... Ah, Ah’m sorry... Ah understand what yer saying, that Ah need to do the farm work better, and the only way for me ta do that is for me ta be back at the farm!” Lero watched as she backed out oddly, at an angle, almost as if the cutie mark were dragging her backward.

Rarity stopped trying to herd Lero to the darling little café. “Pinkie! Don’t you see we’re trying to help you?!”

“Oh, Ah know, and Ah thank ya for yer concern, ya’ll, really Ah do... but that’s farm life for ya! The work never ends!” She let out a small laugh. It sounded more like a sob.

Pinkie Pie turned to go, only to find Apple Bloom blocking the doorway. “Git outta mah way, Bloomy.”

“W-wait, big sister, please!” the filly insisted.

“Ah need ta farm.” the grumpy menace started to fill her voice again.

Apple Bloom took a gulp, but hit her full-on with her most pleading puppy eyes.

“Please, big sister, i-if yew have any love fer me in yer heart... could ya do one thang fer me? One itty bitty lil’ thang, Ah promise, then Ah’ll stand aside and let ya farm ‘til the cows come home.”

“WHAT?!” Pinkie demanded.

“Tell me the story of how yew got yer cutie mark.” Lero knew that look on the filly's face; Apple Bloom was up to something.

“Mah cutie...?!” The elder sister struck her forehead with a hoof. “Ah already told yew that story!”

“Well, tell it again! Mah memory’s fuzzy!” the younger sister persisted.

From between her teeth, the short-fused sourpuss let out a squeal like that of an impatient weasel.

“Alright! Fine! FINE! From the top!”

Lero and Rarity sat down on the chairs that were there, while Apple Bloom stood where she was and Pinkie paced the floor like a trapped animal. She inhaled deeply and began to let the story spill out of her mouth, rapid-fire, as if attempting to relate facts as fast as possible, rather than tell a story.

* * *

“When Ah was about yer age, Ma and Pa had jest gone on ta their eternal rest. Yew were nothin’ more’n a little sprig of a foal back then, Bloomy. Anyways, the family was decidin’ what ta do with the three of us... Whether Granny could take care of us, whether or not we should be adopted, if'n we three siblins oughta be a package deal, or split up between different aunts, uncles and herdparents. Macky was all fer stayin’ with Granny Smith, but Ah was drawn by all the ritzy glitz and glam of big city life, so Ah decided to go wit' Ma and Pa's old herdmates — Aunt and Uncle Orange. They visited shortly after Ma and Pa passed — and Ah asked 'em if they’d be willin’ ta take me in, and they said yes!”

“Wait... Aunt AND Uncle Orange?” Lero interrupted from his chair.

“Yeah!” Pinkie shot back. “Aunt Mandarin Orange and Uncle Mosley Orange! Like tha' Apples, tha Oranges are a big family! They 'taint related 'cept maybe way way back in the family tree. Not like it's unusual fer ponies wit' the similars names 'ta get hitched. Wann make somethin' of it?”

Lero suddenly recalled Jerry Wilkens, an old middle school classmate of his whose mother and father were both named Chris. “No, no. Go on!”

The look Pinkie shot Lero said: interrupt me again, and that's it. “So Ah boarded a train and went down to Manehatten. Aunt and Uncle Orange, bless ‘em, did their best ta citify me, and it even worked to a certain extent.”

Pinkie was actually beginning to smile; the good memories lifting her out of her bad mood, slowing down her rapid-fire narration. When she spoke again, her voice was every bit as cultured and refined as Rarity’s.

“My dearest uncle and aunt were even able to correct my accent, so that I could sound more like the urbane socialite that they wished to mold me into.”

“Pinkie!” Lero didn’t think Rarity could’ve been more astonished and impressed by this sudden show of sophistication if Pinkie had revealed that she’d been a fellow unicorn, all along. Of course, Lero's wonderment was more based on the fact that Applejack's normal accent was so thick it affected both her and Pinkie after the swap.

The pink mare smiled, and dropped a pony curtsy. “Had I stayed with them, I think it might even have stuck, except...” And she switched back to her old accent, “Ah’d find mahself starin’ out mah bedroom window, wonderin’ what Granny Smith and Big Macintosh were up ta. Ah’d imagine they were buckin’ their way through the Red Delicious trees, or the Golden Delicious... and Ah’d get so homesick...”

The expressions on both her siblings’ faces softened as Pinkie went on. “But then, one day, Ah saw this big and bee-yoo-tee-full rainbow coursin’ through the sky, leadin’ all the way back home to Ponyville.”

“Rainbow...?” Lero repeated in a whisper. He’d felt his heart give a small leap at just that word, even though it wasn’t followed up by ‘Dash.’

“A rainbow!” Pinkie was in elation, seeing it again in her mind’s eye. “Pointin' tha way back home! A sign from above!”

“That rainbow was actually my doing,” Rarity stage-whispered to Lero, with a prideful show of modesty.

“An' I'll never ferget it, yew helpin' me out before I even knew ya, Rarity!” Pinkie Pie beamed.

“Awww, Pinkie...” And the two mares nuzzled.

“Now Ah was a smart gal; when Heaven, itself, sends yew a sign, yew don’t turn a blind eye ta it! So Ah talked to Aunt Orange and Uncle Orange, and they sent me back home!”

Pinkie’s smile was so vivacious and sunny, it was like she’d returned to being the Element of Laughter again. “Ah remember racin’ all the way back from the train station back ta Sweet Apple Acres, and there was Big Mac and Granny, waitin’ fer me right at the front gate! Ah was thrilled ta see them! Ah threw mahself right in between ‘em... we were all nuzzling each other... and that’s when Ah felt the tingle on mah rump.”

She showed off her mark. Without thinking, Lero clapped, before bashfully remembering this wasn’t a theater. Not that Pinkie seemed to mind. She did, however, straighten, and stare down at her little sister.

“Now, Bloomy, explain ta me how that silly old story of mine has ANYTHANG WHATSOEVER ta do with today’s set of problems!”

The young filly looked her square in the eyes. “It has EVERYTHANG ta do with today’s set of problems!”

“Ehhh?!?!?” Her bad attitude was quickly reasserting itself, and she was looming menacingly over Apple Bloom.

“Well... uh... y’know...”

Apple Bloom was shrinking backward, moving to the side, as though to let Pinkie return to the farm. Lero could sense Apple Bloom was onto something important, but what? Whatever it was... Apple Bloom's train of thought has been forcibly derailed by a frightening pink mare... Pinkie Pie was cowing her into silence! What was she going for?

And then it clicked in Lero’s head. Suddenly, Lero had a blinding flash of insight. After grappling with this spell for as long as he had, he'd started to get a feel for its 'personality.' While he was fairly certain it wasn't intelligent, it was still clever; splicing memories and events together into plausible explanations of inconsistencies. But it wasn't subtle. It preferred blunt and simple whenever it could possibly get away with it.

And just as he'd just learned yesterday night, when Twilight had been discussing them at the dinner table... cutie marks were subtle. While they always represented some aspect of a pony — their valor, their nobility, their profession, their talent — everything about them, including their nature was massively subject to interpretation.

Was that it? Was the spell simply too stupid to grasp the subtler aspects of Applejack's cutie mark? Seeing her as nothing more than a ceaseless workaholic? Transforming poor Pinkie into a one-note caricature of her farmer friend?

He stood up, out of his chair. “Apple Bloom’s right! It’s clear you’ve completely lost track of what your cutie mark really represents!” he announced, with a voice full of certainty.

“What?!” Pinkie cried in disbelief, turning on him.

“Think, Pinkie! Think about the story you just told us right now! When did you get your cutie mark? When you bucked your first apple? When you picked up your first garden hoe? When your plowed your first field? When you raked your first leaf pile? When was it? When you slopped your first hog? When you collected your first egg?"

"Of course not! Yew heard mah story!"

"When you were in that bedroom in your aunt and uncle’s house, pining for home, who was it you were always thinking about?”

“Ma—Mah Granny and Big Macintosh...” she answered.

“Not the plow? Not the watering cans? Or the weed killer or any of that?”

She looked understandably insulted. “No! Of course not!”

“And when that train brought you back to Ponyville, and you raced back home to the farm, what was it you ran to first? The chicken coop? The pigpen?”

“No!” She stomped her hoof. “Mah family!”

“Exactly! YOUR FAMILY!” All eyes were fixed on him now. “You ran straight to your family, and THAT’S what gave you your mark! Your family! It was never about tilling the soil or bucking the trees or ANY of that! Sure, they're important, because they're the strongest connection you have to your family, and that's why you're so good at it... but the bottom line, Pinkie? YOUR CUTIE MARK REPRESENTS THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR YOUR FAMILY.”

Lero could feel it straight in his bones. The cutie mark itself — those three red apples that had once belonged to Applejack — was listening to his words: and it was every inch as thunderstruck as the mare that now bore it.

“But somewhere along the line, you lost sight of that, didn’t you, Pinkamena?” he went on. “You got so caught up picking up the slack for Mac, you got tunnel vision. Doing FARM CHORES became your whole existence, to the point that you put your family SECOND! No, worse than that, they became a BURDEN to you! A bunch of unwelcome distractions.”

He pointed at the first of the apples on Pinkie Pie’s flank.

“You’ve done practically everything in your power to make your little sister feel like dung!”

He pointed at the second apple.

“Your brother got four terrible leg injuries, and the moment he could no longer help you farm, you never once set aside time for him! How long were you planning on leaving him all alone and unvisited in this dull little hospital room?”

“Ah... Ah...”

He pointed at her last apple, but his finger faltered.

“And...! I intended to say something about your grandmother, but I honestly have no idea how you’ve been treating her.”

“She’s been treatin’ Granny like furniture!” Apple Bloom filled him in. “Doesn’t do anything with her at all! Pinkie pretty much just sits at the table with Granny and me when it’s breakfast or suppertime, barely says a word ta either of us as she chews, then heads right out to the farm or to her bedroom when she’s done eatin’!”

Lero pointed his denunciatory finger again, as Big Macintosh looked upon her with shame and disapointment clear on his features. “What she said!” He declared, vindicated.

“Ah’ve been... untrue?” Pinkie’s eyes were as wide as was biologically possible. “Untrue to mah mark? Untrue to mah family?!?!”

“No wonder you’ve been screwing up left and right!” Lero told her. “You’ve put the farm before your family! The cart before the h— pony! Everything you’ve been doing has been completely...”

...He couldn’t resist phrasing it this way...

“...Off the mark.”

Lero sorely wished he'd had a pair of sunglasses to put on, and was faintly disappointed The Who didn't start playing in the background.

Slowly, shakily, Pinkie Pie lowered her rump to the ground. The pupils in her eyes were dilating and constricting with the rapidity of a beating heart.

“Untrue, untrue, untrue...”

The mood shifted rapidly, Lero came down from his high of laying down an epic snark, as he watched Pinkie's mental integrity disintegrate before his eyes. Hers was a special kind of horror: that of the high priestess of some bleak chthonian cult... learning she’s been profaning her own rituals from the very beginning, due to a mistranslation of the Infernal Scriptures.

“Untrue!”

SLAM!

“Untrue!”

SLAM!

“Untrue!”

SLAM!

“Ah have been untrue!”

Almost to a blinding speed, she beat her face into the hospital floor, over and over, as though in devout contrition. A demonstration of unworthiness to her sanguinary, unforgiving god.

“What’s WRONG with ‘er?!” cried Apple Bloom.

The pink mare’s head lifted back up, her eyes finding all of theirs.

...Do not keep Pinkie Pie off of Sweet Apple Acres...

Oh, sweet merciful Jesus. He hadn’t thought this through! He’d made a BIG mistake. He should’ve arranged to have Big Macintosh brought to the farm! (Twilight could’ve pulled a few strings for him!)

“Apple Bloom, get behind us!” he thundered.

“What...?!”

“Just do it! On the bed, with your brother!”

The young filly hopped up, huddled by her brother’s head, looking nothing more than a cornered kitten before a transforming werewolf.

He motioned for Rarity to come over to his side, so they could stand between the Apples and Pinkie. “Rarity, do you have a spell to knock Pinkie Pie out?”

“Knock her out?!” she balked.

“Just LOOK at her!”

Five oceans of bewitchment couldn’t hide Pinkie’s deteriorating state. Her tail curled and uncurled like a party horn at a kid’s birthday. One jagged, farm-worn hoof scraped and scratched at her own forehead, which bled. Sanity and madness were waging a war in Pinkie’s eyes. It almost felt like a vicious alien parasite were about to burst straight through her head.

“Pinkie Pie!” the unicorn shouted in dismay. “What’s wrong?! Say something! It’s Rarity!”

“Just shoot her!” he shouted. “Knock her out!”

"S...She's my friend!"

Discord’s gory montage of the Swapped as murderers replayed in Lero’s mind, along with the roar of the chainsaw from Pinkie The Farmer. If she were to turn homicidal here, they’d need to act fast! Apple Bloom was just a filly and Big Macintosh had never been so vulnerable. If she succeeded in killing all four of them here, there was a whole hospital full of defenseless patients... how many would she carve through before security brought her down? No! Perhaps it was not too late! They could still salvage this, and no one would have to die!

“Do it! It's just a knockout spell! We need to bring her back to the farm RIGHT NOW!!!”

“Farm...” Pinkie repeated stiltedly, like some short-circuiting robot. “...Mark... Brother... Trees... Sister... Apples... Oranges... the beautiful rainbow... Ah... must... Ah must...... aaaaaaaaaahh!”

Bursting into tears, Pinkie Pie ran from Mac’s hospital room, barreling into the public bathroom right outside Big Mac's room. She wept loudly. In the others’ dumbstruck silence, Rarity went out and entered the bathroom herself. Upon returning, she informed the others, “She’s locked herself inside a stall. I think we should just let her be and give her a chance to cry.”

“Ah DO love mah famileee—heee—heeeehhhhhhhh!” they heard her hitching, quavering bawl.

Big Macintosh took in a shuddery gulp, as she proceeded to wail. “This is all MAH fault.”

Lero’s head snapped around. “YOUR fault?" Lero couldn't fathom this interpretation of events. "How do you figure?”

The bed-bound stallion hung his head. “There was anuther time... few years back, we were right’n the middle of Applebuck Season. Biggest bumper crop of apple ya ever did see. Ah’d gotten injured. Couldn’t work. Pinkie felt she had ta do it all by herself. Nearly ran herself inta the ground...”

“I remember that time too!” Rarity realized. “Pinkie and I had prearranged for her to help me brainstorm new ideas for weather. She was so exhausted and burnt out... I nearly ended up causing a wildfire based on the advice she gave!”

“This... this is SO much worse than that time!” And the big lug began to cry, himself. Small, silent tears. “Pinkie... Ah was weak. Ah’m so sorry...”

“Will Pinkie need doctors of her own lookin’ at her?” Apple Bloom whispered, the tiny filly filled with worry.

“Ah dunno,” her brother answered, hanging his head lower, well, at least as well as a stallion in his position could.

“But... with her gone too... who’ll run the farm?” She almost squeaked.

“Ah dunno.” Macintosh repeated, having no more answers than her. At that, Apple Bloom turned her face into Rarity’s leg and wept into it.

“It ain’t fair!” she cried. “It ain’t fair!” Rarity hugged the child tightly to her and made soothing, motherly shushing noises.

Lero, for his part, found his attention fixed upon Apple Bloom. Picturing this little farmer girl at Sweet Apple Acres. Envisioning what it must’ve been like when her sister, brother, and grandmother taught her the run of the place... Lero's nimble brain popped in another idea; this time, though, he was fairly certain it'd not be as disastrous.

“Hey, Apple Bloom?” he asked. “How well do you know how to run your family’s farm?”

Rubbing her eyes, Apple Bloom turned to face Lero. “Ah... Ah’m gonna do what Ah can. Ah hafta. With Pinkie and Mac in the state they’re in, Ah’m the last one left, ‘sides Granny... but Ah’m still jest one lil’ girl, and it’s such a big farm!” She squeezed her eyes shut. “Ah... Ah suppose it won’t be ALL bad! No more school, ‘cuz they’ll need me workin’ the farm full-time! And... and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo are such good friends... they can probably go Crusadin’ on their own for a few seasons... or so... Ah know they won't ferget about me...”

With renewed sympathy, Rarity hugged the filly again from behind.

“That isn’t quite what I was getting at,” Lero clarified. “Let me ask again, Apple Bloom: how well do you know HOW to run your family’s farm? Just the ‘HOW’ of it?”

“Well... pretty much everythang,” she answered. “I know Sweet Apple Acres like the front of mah hooves!”

All the ponies in the room were surprised to see a slight smile form on Lero’s face. He stepped forward towards Big Macintosh. “Big Mac, my friend... I have an idea I’d like to run by you. Something I think you really ought to consider before sending Pinkie to the psychiatrists.”

The large stallion shifted slightly to get a better look at Lero. “Ah’m listenin’.”

“My idea is that we send both Pinkie Pie and Apple Bloom back to Sweet Apple Acres to tackle the farm work. Only I think we should let Apple Bloom be the big sister.”

“Huh?” said Rarity.

“Wha?” said Big Macintosh.

“ME be big sister?!” Apple Bloom chirped.

Lero nodded. “Hear me out: The way I see it, Mac, between your two sisters... after Pinkie's breakdown, Apple Bloom’s now the most emotionally stable. She’s got her head on straight, and she knows how to do things around the farm. Therefore, she should be big sister for a while. Be the one in charge, help Pinkie remember how to do things.”

“But... but Pinkie Pie HATES me...” said Apple Bloom.

“You sure about that?” Lero inquired. “Why don’t you go ask her?”

She squinted at him, as if trying to divine whether he was teasing her. “Jest go inta the bathroom and ask, ‘Hey, Pinkie, d’ya hate me?’ Jest like that?”

He shrugged. “Just like that. Keep it simple.”

"If'n you say so..." Skeptically, Apple Bloom went into the restroom. Lero lingered behind, pressing his ear against the restroom’s door, hearing Pinkie’s weeping and the filly knock on her stall’s door.

“Hey, uh, Pinkie?” Apple Bloom asked. “Do you hate me?”

He heard the stall door’s open, and waited several seconds for some sort of verbal reply, but all he heard was more weeping. For a brief second he felt terror, wondering if he just sent Apple Bloom to her doom... but there wasn't any sound like that, either. Rarity came up next to him, flicking her ear against the door as well. Finally, she nudged it open, so they could have a peek inside.

Pinkie Pie had Apple Bloom enveloped in a tight, tearfully apologetic hug.

* * *

He shut the door quietly, and turned back to his friend.

“So what happens if this plan a’ yers don’t work out?” Big Mac questioned. “If Bloom ain’t able to help her?”

Lero shrugged. “If all else fails, we can always bring the head doctors to see Pinkie. But at least we gave it one last shot. And if it works, it means less problems at the farm, and Apple Bloom won't need to be pulled out of school. I think the benefits are worth it.”

The clopping of small hooves let them all know Apple Bloom had returned. “She doesn’t hate me!” she told her brother, to which the big guy smiled.

“That’s good. Bloom, we’re gonna try out Lero’s idea. Fer the next couple weeks or so... however-long... yer gonna be big sister over Pinkie Pie. Yer gonna watch her, help her work, and remind her how things’re done right. If she acts up, or tries to pull rank... yew run straight ta me or Granny, and we’ll take it from there.”

Apple Bloom bounced around the room like a bunny. “Ah’m big sister! Ah’m big sister! Yahoo! This’ll be so cool! Ah should get Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle in on this! We could get our cutie marks doing this! Yeah, I can see it now! Cutie Mark Crusader Screwed-Up-Big-Sister-Fixers!”

“NO! Do NOT make this about your cutie marks!” Lero had exclaimed these words with deep panic... as though Starswirl’s spell would spring upon her and warp the child’s mind, the moment a mark appeared on her.

“Wha...? Why not?!” she cried, startled.

Everyone was staring at him. Lero kicked himself mentally; he REALLY needed to stop doing this! “Well, because... uh...” Then his mind hit upon a good response. “...How was the kayaking thing you did with your friends?”

She pulled a funny face at him. “Kayaking? Why’re yew askin’ ‘bout THAT? That was a LONG while ago!”

“How was it?” he persisted.

“Disappointin’,” she said. We didn’t get our cutie marks from it.”

He nodded. “A shame. How many times did you go kayaking after that?”

She rolled her eyes. “Zero. We left the kayak right where we crashed it: upside-down in the mudbank.”

“And is THAT how you’re going to be with Pinkie Pie? Your sister?” he asked, quietly. “Are you going to leave HER in the mudbank when she doesn’t give you a cutie mark?”

She reacted as though she’d been stung by a bee. “What?! No! No, of course not!”

“Good,” said Lero. “If you’re going to do this at all, Apple Bloom, don’t do it for your own gain. If you or one of your friends get a cutie mark out of this; wonderful. But you can't make it about cutie marks. It has to be about Pinkie. Do it because you’re her sister. Because you’re FAMILY.”

The young girl fell silent and reflective. Lero hunkered down, putting his hand upon her shoulder as though she were his own daughter.

“And please, for the love of God, if you’re going to do this, DON’T bring revenge into it. Don’t make this about tit for tat. I know your sister was rude and nasty to you, and it’ll be tempting to use your power to get back at her for that... but she’s in great pain. Pinkie’s become so over-focused on one little aspect of her life... well, you could say she’s forgotten what sort of pony she’s supposed to be, and who she really is. Be patient with her. Forgive her. Remind her how much you love her. If you do... bit by bit... I promise you, Pinkie Pie will remember how much she loves you back. Being the Big Sister isn't about being in charge, it's about the responsibility being in charge gives. Be the BIGGER sister, Apple Bloom. Can you do that?”

The small filly was quiet for several moments, actually looking contemplative, before looking up to Lero and nodding.

"Ah kin do it, Mr. Lero. Ah kin be tha best big sister ever... jes' like Pinkie wuz for me befoah."

* * *

“Peanuts!” Peanut Brittle called out in a singsong. “I’ve got peanuts! Salted and unsalted! Scoop them in a bag!”

“Figs!” caroled Figgy Pudding, “Sweet, tender figs! Straight from the fig farm! Kadota figs! Adriatic figs! Brown Turkeys! Black Missions!”

“Durians!” cried Lychee, a clothespin on her snout. “I’ve got durians today! Exotic fruit here! I’m selling them cheap! They taste a heckuva lot better than they smell! I promise!”

“Melons!” sang Honeydew, “I’m selling delicious homegrown honeydew melons! Unless you’re a human! Then all I got for you’s a kick to your teeth! Yeah, keep on walking, you’d BETTER keep walking, my fine stallion friend... and your little dog, too!”

“Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples!” trilled out Apple Bloom, from the apple stall.

“We got Red Delicious!” Pinkie Pie announced, right next to her. She was considerably more downbeat than Apple Bloom, but she was genuinely trying to attract customers all the same. “Golden Delicious! Granny Smiths! Big Macintoshes! Well... Macintoshes, anyway... but our Macintoshes are STILL pretty big-sized! Oh! And Pink Ladies, too!”

“Pink Lady!” Apple Bloom grinned. “THAT’S what ya shoulda been named, Pinkie! Can’t imagine where the ‘Pie’ bit even came from.”

“Well, maybe your parents were thinking of apple pie MADE with Pink Ladies,” Lero suggested as he came up to their stand with Rarity.

Pinkie, herself, said nothing. Her face was hidden behind her long mane.

The little filly smiled wryly. “Then how d’ya account fer the fact that her full name’s Pinkamena Diane Pie?”

The human chuckled and shrugged. “Got me there! Guess your folks must’ve wanted to give at least one kid a non-apple related name.”

“Reckon so,” said Apple Bloom, as the wry smile gave way to one of pure welcome. “Oh, it’s really wonderful to see ya again, Lero! Yew too, Miz Rarity!”

“And you, as well, my dear Apple Bloom, and Pinkie Pie!” Rarity greeted.

Pinkie nodded mutely. “Are yew looking ta buy?” asked Apple Bloom.

Rarity turned curiously to her stallion. “Are we looking to buy, dearest?”

“Not today,” said Lero, leaning in closer to the pink farmer. “Pinkie, I just wanted to check up on you... how ARE you doing these days?”

Pinkie Pie pushed her bangs away from her eyes. This was now the third day since they’d brought her to the hospital to see Big Macintosh. The smile on her face was tinged with melancholy; the smile of a girl only just beginning to emerge from a long depression. But it truly WAS a real smile, all the same.

“Ah’m alright, Lero,” she told him with soft composure. “Ah’m doing better.”

“Yeah!” said Apple Bloom, stepping out from the stall. “Yew aren’t gunna believe this, but Ah had to reteach Pinkie how trees are supposed ta be bucked! Like she really HAD lived all ‘er life with Aunt and Uncle Orange!”

And the young filly gave several demonstrative bucks at an imaginary tree, her bow nearly flying off at one point.

“Y’see, the trick is ta line yer back hooves up with the base of the tree. The sweet spot’s square in the center of the tree’s base, it ain’t all about raw power, though that certainly helps. Hit the sweet spot, and all the apples come tumblin’ down!”

“Bloomy’s been a great big help,” Pinkie said, smiling at her sister. “Ah dunno WHAT went wrong with mah head... but, yeah, ever since that point where Macky got attacked, Ah’ve been buckin‘ them trees and doin’ all mah other chores every way BUT the right way.”

“Your brother really DOES mean a lot to you, doesn’t he?” Rarity asked, to which Pinkie bit her lip and nodded. She walked out from behind her stall, looking up at Lero.

“Yew were right ta do what yew did... bringin’ me ta Macky. Ah was outta control, and farmin’ dumber than a bucket of earwax.” She cast a sad look backwards at Apple Bloom. “The way Ah was treatin’ my family was jest out-n-out inexcusable, too. Thank ya, Lero, and yew too, Rarity.”

“Hey... what are friends for, besides forcibly kidnapping you for your own good?” said Lero.

She let out a tiny laugh. Smiling her heavyhearted smile. "Lero? Kin Ah ask yew a favor?"

He nodded. "Anything, Pinkie."

Pinkie reached out an arm. “Can Ah hug yew?”

“Of course!” Lowering himself down a bit, Lero leaned into her one-armed hug. It was a warm little squeeze, and he felt his facial muscles lift upwards immediately. Pinkie reached out her other arm, pulling Rarity into the same hug, before settling back down on all fours.

“Hey, Pinkie?”

“Yeah, Lero?”

“Wanna know what the best thing I ever got from you is?”

Pinkie Pie pursed her lips in thought. “Was it the Red Delicious you bought five weeks ago? The Aurora Golden Galas from four months back? Or maybe it was the Honey Crisps from September of last year? Or...”

“Smiles,” said Lero.

He might as well have sucker-punched Pinkie Pie. She gaped at him, round-mouthed and buggy-eyed. “Smiles?” she repeated, in the hoarsest croak of a whisper.

“Yes,” said Lero, and he pointed at his own face. “A smile like this is sweeter than any apple will ever be. And you gave it to me, Pinkie Pie. Just now. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.”

Apple Bloom chuckled. “If'n they're that good, a shame we can't sell 'em! Done short on supply. Ah advise ya ta be glad of the one ya got! Before yew brought Pinkie ta see Big Mac, she was the prickliest porcupine ya ever done see! Then yew went and transformed her into the saddest lil’ basset hound there ever were... but at least we’re able ta love ‘er and train her! In any case, smiles from mah sister are few ‘n’ far between!”

“No... no...”

Pinkie Pie’s whole body was trembling with intense emotions. All the others stared, just at the change in her voice alone. “Ah... Ah... Ah’m SICK of bein’ that mare! Sick of lettin’ ev’ry lil’ thang get me so doggone miserable!”

Neither Rarity, Apple Bloom, nor Pinkie Pie herself, were observing what was happening to the pink farmer’s cutie mark. But what Lero saw made his heart skip several beats.

“And Ah’m just as sick of mah making everyone Ah love unhappy ta be near me! Ah want... Ah wanna...”

Lero saw the cutie mark shift and blur, like it was going out of focus! All the moisture in Lero’s mouth was evaporating, as the apples which had been tormenting her grew fainter and FAINTER...!!!

“I WANT to give more smiles! I want to FEEL more smiles inside me!”

That was the voice of the real Pinkie Pie! No mere hollow shadow of herself staring out with vacant eyes, but clear as a church bell and brimming with living heart and living soul! Lero’s heart leapt to his throat just as renewed joy leapt to his heart!

“...And Ah’ll do it by bein’ the bestest, happiest apple farmer evah!”

The apple mark snapped back into being fully solidified on Pinkie’s flank.

Oh, screw you! Lero internally snarled at the stubborn mark.

“Pinkie? What jest happened?”

For an answer, Pinkie simply stood on her hind legs, scooped Apple Bloom up into her arms, just like a human girl would, and twirled her smaller sister around and around in a circle, laughing with unequivocal, born-again joy.

In spite of his disappointment, Lero couldn’t help but feel that same joy rise in his own heart. The human could recognize what had just happened. A small portion of Pinkie’s true self had bubbled up from the depths, melding with her swapped persona in a truly beautiful way. Her cutie mark still showed apples, not balloons. Her hair was still straight, not poofy. But the brightness in her eyes? The euphoria she exuded? That was a victory. Maybe not a cure... but enough to stop the downward spiral of destruction that once gripped her, and give her a life worth living again. Surely that was enough of a change for today.

“Pinkie???” Rarity asked in complete bemusement.

Remembering that Lero and Rarity were still there, Pinkie Pie set her somewhat dizzy sister down, took ten apples, rubbed them to a mirror shine with incredible speed, popped them into a paper bag, and gave them straight to Lero.

“These are the ten best apples from mah stall.”

“Oh wow,” Lero breathed.

Pinkie Pie pointed a hoof at her own smile. “Ah’m going to see how long Ah can keep this on fer! Watch me, Lero!”

“You bet I will! I’m a great scorekeeper! Especially for long-term things! So sell lots of apples and spread lots of joy!”

“Yew bet yer britches Ah will!”

“Hey there, Pinkie?” asked Bonbon, coming up from their left. “How much for your Red Deliciouses?”

And Pinkie Pie hopped back on the seller’s side of the apple stall. “See ya later, Leery!” she waved.

“You too, Pinkie Pie! C’mon, Rarity!”

As they both set off down the street, Lero tried to quell some of the giddiness inside him. “Alright! That went well! Now let’s see, what’s our next order of business...”

And he pulled out the checklist of errands that Twilight had prepared for them.

“New quills... check! More paper, need to buy that! Stop at the post office and...”

“Lero?”

Lero stopped dead when he heard the tone in her voice. When he turned to look at her, he saw that she’d been staring at him in an awestruck daze this whole while.

“Yeah, Rarity?”

She opened an arm to him. “Can I hug you?"

Lero opened his arms to her. When Rarity reared up and hooked her forelegs around him, nestling her soft head against his chest, he didn’t even feel the faintest vibe of lust from her. Just pure appreciation for who he was as a person.

"You're the best stallion... man I've ever met." She corrected herself. "Even if we hadn't gotten together, I'd be blessed just by knowing you."

Lero wasn't sure if there were any proper ways to respond to that. He just settled on holding her tightly to him.

* * *

...At this point in my story, I’ll admit something to you, Lyra. While I was happy to have gotten Pinkie Pie to shift her priorities from farming to family, I was still worried that with the ‘Swap Jinx’ in place, any goal that Pinkie pursued was doomed to blow up in her face.

So between helping Rainbow Dash, helping Rarity, and everything else I’ve been busy with, I’ve been keeping an eye on Pinkie Pie. Every so often, I’ve even volunteered as a farmhand for the sole purpose of seeing how life was going for her now. Talk about backbreaking! Lyra, I was worried that the entire Apple Family would be at each others’ throats within half a week.

Now just look at these pictures!

“Pictures?” asked Spike, lowering his quill, interupting Lero's dictation. “You took pictures?”

Lero brought three photos out of a side pocket, and passed them over to the little dragon scribe.

The first photo showed the Cutie Mark Crusaders riding through Ponyville in a cart pulled by Pinkie Pie, at a fast canter. Excited smiles on all four of their faces.

The second photo showed Pinkie Pie at Big Macintosh’s hospital room. She’d delivered a ‘Get Well Soon’ gift: a basket of apples and a bouquet of flowers picked from Sweet Apple Acres’ grounds. Both of them were engaged in an exciting chess match.

The third photo showed Pinkie carrying bags of stuff Granny Smith had bought, when they were out in the marketplace together.

It’s a miracle, Lyra. Pinkie Pie is no longer spinning her wheels and going nowhere. She’s no longer destroying herself by beating at walls she cannot break.

Her life is on the rebound. Pinkie now knows how to buck a tree so that apples fall down. She can perform every other chore farm life demands. She sells the apples she’s farmed at the market and makes money. Apple Bloom has been her teacher in all things. To be fair, Pinkie Pie’s still no Applejack. In terms of strength and ability, she’s reached the same level as Apple Bloom, herself, maybe a little bit more... she is a full grown mare, after all.

However, what’s important is that Pinkie can now do everything Applejack did, from A to Z. Far from expertly, to be sure, but still good enough to keep things going. And I’m 99.99% certain that as a direct result of this, Pinkie’s swapped cutie mark has cut her a boatload of psychological slack. Loosened its stranglehold over her mind. She now spends a lot more time off the farm, just smelling the proverbial roses and enjoying herself and meeting up with her other friends.

Lero saw a small, colorless droplet fall off the dragon’s cheek onto the letter he was writing.

“Spike? Are you crying?”

“I... I’m sorry, it’s just... you’re talking about when we happened to met up with Pinkie and Apple Bloom the other day, right? Where we were all just goofing off with each other? And I was just remembering... they DID look so happy... Sorry, I guess how bad things are for my friends is starting to catch up to me, and seeing a ray of hope like that...”

“Hey, if you want, we could hide the letter somewhere where Rarity won’t find it, and finish it up later, when you’re ready.”

“Nah,” said Spike, rubbing his eyes. He shook his head, inhaled deeply, and threw out his chest, his quill at the ready. “I’m ready now. Continue!”

All the same, Lyra, I have to remind you that as happy as Pinkie Pie now is, this is not the cure. A cure would be Pinkie remembering her old life as a baker, a party queen and the Element of Laughter. Knowing that Applejack’s family is not rightfully her own. Getting her old balloons back on her flank. Sadly, I’m not the one who can cure her. I’m not the spell-caster, after all. Twilight is.

But I am proud of my part in helping Pinkie find happiness and functionality again, helping her find what I’ve come to call 'equilibrium.' It’s given me a solid goal to strive for, from here on out. After all, If I can find equilibrium for Pinkie, I can find equilibrium for all the rest of the Swapped Five. It’s not a cure, but if I'm successful, at least they’ll be living lives again, instead of living hells.

If Twilight’s on the road to finding a cure, then this’ll take great pressure off her mind. And if the cure never comes, then at least they’ll all be able to live happy, productive lives. Maybe not their own, but it's more than what they had.

So then it’s One Down, Four To Go, basically. Wish me luck, Lyra, because my very next target will be Rainbow Dash.

All My Love,

Lero

Author's Note

You heard it here first, folks. From here on out, and until further notice, 'equilibrium' is gonna be the name of Lero's game. His aim is to turn the Swapped from this...

...Into THIS.

As Lero himself said: One Down, Four To Go. We're just getting started!

Special word of thanks to Minalkra for thinking up the names Aunt Mandarin Orange and Uncle Mosley Orange!

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