Rainbow Dash hunted through the ruins of her cottage. Bits of wall. Smashed wooden beams, shards of glass. Twists of metal which used to be animal cages. Furniture snapped like saltine crackers. Rubble made of plaster and stone, and random assortments of damaged personal items strewn about.

Rainbow Dash dug through the wreckage with her bare hooves. Hooves were great limbs to have for things like running, stomping, bucking... but digging? Not as much. Still, she dug intently, scraping through the debris that had once been her family room.

Not for her animals. None of them were trapped in the wreckage; she’d have felt it if they were. All her critters were high up on their cloud cage, still fast asleep, thanks to her unicorn friends’ magic. Right now, the last thing Dash needed was for them to reawaken. Digging was her focus.

Rainbow Dash didn’t care about trying to salvage her pets’ toys or her pets’ cages, or pet food, or even food for herself. She wasn’t searching for blankets or empty luggage cases or the very last bit of emergency money she’d kept hidden at the bottom of the ferret treat jar. She wasn’t even trying to find a single photograph of herself with her friends, which was most unlike her...

...Her bookcase! At last! It was so broken, it was only fit for kindling at this point, but at least she knew she was close to what she really wanted. Was it completely destroyed? Maybe only a little damaged? Rainbow Dash nosed aside books on mollusk nutrition and her copies of the Tufty The Loneliest Bunny series...

...There it was. Splintery debris coated it comprehensively, like salt on a martini glass, but other than that, it was completely undamaged. It was an audiobook box containing ten cassette tapes. Rainbow Dash blew the dust off. The box’s cover showed a confident and powerfully-built minotaur bull with a black necktie, a mohawk, a nose-ring, and blue fur all over. He was flexing his biceps assertively from within a wide circle of other minotaurs, all of whom were kowtowing before him.

The audiobook was titled: WHY WAIT? DOMINATE!! It was written by Iron Will.

She felt the fact that Iron Will’s audiobook had come through the collapse of her house whole and intact was almost a sign from above... as much as the rainbow from Rarity’s Diamond Hailstorm, back in her youth. Especially since she had also just pulled out her portable cassette player from the flattened ruins of what had once been her bedroom not a few minutes ago, (plus a set of saddlebags to carry it in.) There had only been a few new scratches on the back of the cassette player.

Rainbow Dash stared at Iron Will’s face a long while, remembering how things had gone the last time she’d embraced his teachings. She hesitated a moment, but then she looked upwards, at all the little beasts right above her, and her expression hardened. She popped Tape 1 into the cassette player, rewound it to the beginning, pressed the play button, and spun the side knob to maximum volume.

“Twaddle Twattle Audio Productions proudly present: WHY WAIT?! DOMINATE!! by Iron Will. Read to you by the author,” came the gruff, gravelly voice of the motivational speaker. “Chapter One: Don’t Get Along, Get AHEAD!”

Narrowing her eyes at her animals, Rainbow Dash laid down upon the ruins of her home and listened on.

“Life was hard for me when I was just a scrawny little calf of four years old...”

* * *

“...So instead of telling yourself, ‘I am a bad pony for not loaning my friend money,’ what you want to say is, ‘I deserve financial stability, and my friend needs to learn to put a padlock on his or her wallet!’”

“Hey there, Rainbow Dash! We’ve been looking for you!”

Rainbow Dash stood up to face her friends as they came. Practically everyone who had galloped out to fight the glufferflork for her in the first place was here now: Lero, Twilight, Rarity, Lyra, Pinkie Pie... Apple Bloom was nowhere to be seen, so Pinkie must’ve had her return home. A bit unexpectedly, Fluttershy had come along too.

“Oh!” the yellow pegasus gasped; her first look at Dash’s demolished cottage. “Oh my! You poor, poor, poor, poor, thing!”

“Are you okay, Dash?” asked Twilight.

“How do you feel?” asked Lyra.

Bitter. Dash would’ve said if she were completely honest. But after all that they'd done to save her animals, and fight the monster for her sake, Rainbow Dash knew that the last thing her good friends deserved was an attitude of bitterness.

“It’s kind of funny,” said Dash, “Right now... after everything that’s happened, I feel nothing. I feel empty.” This wasn’t even entirely a lie. When she set her bitterness aside, all that was left was an empty nothingness. As though she’d been hollowed out.

“How could you possibly not feel anything after you lost your house?!” Fluttershy demanded to know.

“...It takes time and energy to perfect your baleful glower, but the end result is well worth the effort!”

“...And... wait a second, who’s that talking?” Fluttershy asked, peering around.

Rainbow Dash blinked, realizing that she’d neglected to press the stop button on her cassette player when her friends had come. “Oh, that’s just my audiobook,” she said, showing them the cassette player, visible from the open flap of her saddlebags.

Fluttershy peered at her strangely. “Why are you listening to an audiobook, now of all times?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Just... felt like it, for some reason. Especially because it survived.”

“...Act snide and aloof? I’ll send you through the roof!” Iron Will boomed.

Lero placed a hand on Fluttershy’s shoulder. “She just almost lost everything. Give her time for her emotions to settle.”

Fluttershy hadn’t quite heard him. She’d just caught sight of all the animals on the cloud cage. “Hey! I see you’ve got all your animal friends stuck on a cloud!” she noted, in an ill-considered attempt at lightening the mood. “Are you planning on... making it rain cats and dogs?”

The others groaned, or shook their heads. Twilight Sparkle even started to scold Fluttershy, only to find herself cut off by Rainbow Dash’s laughter. The idea of all her animals plummeting from the cloud at that height had a definite dark appeal to it.

“Thanks, Fluttershy, I needed a laugh.” Rainbow said as her laughter settled down to a chuckle.

Fluttershy smiled sunnily. “You’re welcome!”

“...Treat me like a slave? I’ll put you in your grave!”

“What am I going to do?” she moaned, after her chuckle was done. “Where am I going to live?!”

“You can live with us, if you want.”

Every pony’s head turned to look at Lero. Especially Rainbow Dash’s.

“That’s sweet of you, Lero, but... what about all of THEM?” And she pointed upwards at her animals.

He took a long, hard look past her at them all; from Angel Bunny on down, shut his eyes, clenched a fist and said, “They can live with us too.”

“Always, always, ALWAYS look ‘em directly in the eye!” Iron Will advised in the silence that followed. “Remember: all instances where eye contact is made IS a staring contest. No exceptions!”

“That’s... Lero, you... THEY’LL RIP YOUR WHOLE LIBRARY TO SHREDS. And you and your whole herd with them! You know they will!”

She looked to his mares. Two sets of eyes were conflicted, trying not to reveal how much they wanted Dash back the same as Lero did. Nonetheless, every female of Herd Bellerophon turned towards their stallion, pleading with their eyes to get him to see sense.

“We’ll make it work,” Lero said with stronger conviction.

“That’s right!” Lyra agreed, shifting her support in full to Lero. “We can think up a way to make it so you all can live with us, Rainbow!”

“How?!”

“Well, for one thing, we have Spike,” Twilight reminded her, having made the realization moments ago. “He’ll help! And at our home, we have three strong unicorns and the heartiest human in all Equestria! And I know he’s the only one, but he’s still pretty hearty!”

For her part, Rarity had not been expecting this kind of support for Rainbow Dash. The animals would be... quite an adjustment. But she couldn’t help feeling swept up in her herd’s nobility and charity, so she, too, faced Rainbow Dash and said, “Remember, Dash, we just took down a glufferflork! We’re here for you! I don’t care how nasty your animals are, they don’t stand a chance against the likes of us!”

Lero took a step forward “Rainbow Dash... even if it’s just until you get back on your feet... we’d love nothing more than to have you over as part of our family.”

There was such hope in his eyes. In all their eyes; Twilight, Lyra... even Rarity’s, to a somewhat lesser extent. As though her acceptance, her coming to their home would mean the world to them. No one had ever treated her like this before, not even those fawning fans from Photo Finish back in her modeling days could compare. Her opinions, her safety, her happiness hadn’t mattered to others like it did these ponies, and to Lero.

“Y... you guys, you’re serious, you guys are all serious!” she found herself stammering. “I...!”

“Not wantin’ ta interrupt this moment, but if ya’ll don’t mind, Ah’d like ta propose somethin’ that’ll be easier fer everypony here.” Pinkie Pie spoke up.

Everyone’s attentions shifted to the pink pony.

“Dashie... it jest so happens that we have a large old barn way out in mah family’s cornfield; sturdy ‘n’ spacious, and we ain’t really been using it any as of late. Ah’d be perfectly happy letting yew and yer critters stay there fer the time being.”

She thought it over, looking between her animals, the members of Herd Bellerophon, and Pinkie Pie.

“...the world is your gymnasium. You have no excuse not to make yourself strong!”

“Guys, I’m really sorry,” she told Lero, Rarity, Twilight, and Lyra. “If it were just me alone... I probably… No, I WOULD go with all of you to your house. But my animals are real monsters. Given the choice between a farm and a library, it only makes sense to bring them all down to the farm... they’ll do a LITTLE less property damage there... and I know how you feel about your first editions, Twilight!”

Seeing the disappointment Lero quickly hid behind a smile, Rainbow Dash flew over to her bighearted human friend. Lips puckering, she bent towards Lero, aiming to give him a kiss on the cheek... reconsidered, and braved a quick kiss on his lips.

For Lero, it was a fleeting second of heaven.

They pulled away: Rainbow Dash had a powerful and adorable blush to her. “What was that for?” he asked her, both all too aware of the interested stares of all Lero’s other mares.

“Everything,” she answered.

“Chapter Four: Assert, Assert, Assert, and Assert Some More!”

* * *

“...Other ponies can’t read your mind. State it Loudly, You’ll Get It Proudly! The operating word is LOUDLY!”

“Ah don’t thank Ah like this guy on yer cassette player.” Pinkie Pie told Rainbow Dash, while she opened the huge barn doors with her.

“Huh? Why? What’ve YOU got against Iron Will, Pinkie Pie?” Dash asked.

Pinkie shrugged. “Ah can’t rightly explain it. It ain’t like Ah ever met him personally or nothing, but jest listening ta this guy’s voice... feels like a goose walked over m’grave.”

“I know!” added Rarity. “I’ve never heard of Iron Will either before today, but he just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”

From high in the sky, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity had all followed Pinkie Pie through the cornfield of her family’s farm, until she’d led them to the barn. The weight of all of Dash’s animals up in their cloud cage would’ve been back-breaking for any pony. Thankfully, they still had Rarity; the weathermare provided a powerful yet well-controlled gust to push the cloud cage along. All Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash had really needed to do was steer it.

“Me too!” Fluttershy said, facing her other pegasus friend fretfully. “Why are you even listening to him again?”

Dash could hardly blame her friend for worrying. The way she’d treated her and poor Applejack when the tough-talking motivational speaker had come to Ponyville, made for one of the most shameful memories of her life! At the very, very, least, it’d just been the two of them, and not Rarity, Pinkie Pie, or Twilight.

“I just...” She pressed the stop button on her cassette player. “I just lost my house, half a dozen animals, and got pretty banged up, okay? I want to listen to someone motivational, someone that’ll help me fight off all the negative, downer thoughts!”

“I don’t want you to go back to being New Rainbow Dash!” the yellow pegasus pleaded. “I just want you to keep being your same old self!”

The thing of it was, it was already too late for that. Within her heart, Dash already DID feel like a new Rainbow Dash... even before she began playing Iron Will’s tapes! However, it was a different sort of ‘newness’ than the first time around, when she’d sworn off the minotaur’s teachings.

She looked into the yellow pegasus’ eyes, and put a hoof over her heart. “Fluttershy, I swear on... on our friendship, on every one of my animals, I swear on Celestia herself...!”

“Don’t take the Princess’ name in vain!” Fluttershy gasped.

“...That I will NOT let myself turn into that mare a second time! I swear I won’t let myself bully any pony, I swear I’ll treat every pony with kindness and respect!”

Rainbow Dash meant every word of this promise. It was the only reason she was giving Iron Will’s teachings a second chance. That, and the fact that this catastrophe had changed her into a new Rainbow Dash. And she knew Iron Will would help her solidify this mental transformation, not into someone who was mean and harsh… but someone tougher and stronger.

Fluttershy still looked unsure. Rainbow placed a hoof softly on her shoulder. “Look, just... humor me on this, okay?”

The yellow pegasus smiled at her. “Okay. Last night, I had a talk with a shy pebble who told me, “I wish I could be a little boulder!”

The others stifled their groans while Rainbow Dash hugged the yellow pegasus while laughing. “Yep! I’m humored, all right! Just couldn’t help yourself, could you, Shy?”

The yellow pegasus shot a look at her cutie mark. For some reason, seeing her do this made Rainbow Dash the tiniest bit uneasy, though she couldn’t quite say why.

“Nope!” said Fluttershy, looking back at her. “I couldn’t!”

Rarity cleared her throat. “As much as I’d love to spend the rest of the night trading small talk about jokes and books, it’s been a long night. I’m starting to fall asleep on my hooves, and this cloud cage’s not going to last forever, so if you girls don’t mind stepping aside and helping me...?”

Which they did. Rarity first banished the bars on her cloud cage. Then the four mares worked towards bringing the animals inside the barn. All the creatures were still under the effects of the sleep spell. Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash focused on the smaller animals; picking them up by the scruff of their necks, or in their hooves. Rarity focused on the heavier animals: breaking off pieces of the main cloud platform on which the larger animals slept, floating them over to inside the barn, lowering them down softly, and then having the cloud dissipate under their paws.

It was an old barn, as Pinkie had said. It seemed no pony had set hoof inside here for at least a couple seasons. Even though they’d opened its doors, a lot of the air inside here was still stale. Yet for all that, it still was a well-built structure, large and strong enough for her needs and those of her animals. There was no animal feed in the barn’s feed room, though... Dash would need to ask Pinkie for some.

“Rarity, Fluttershy, I think I can take it from here,” she said to them. “Thank you for everything.”

“You’re very welcome,” said the unicorn, giving Dash a hug. “Everything will turn out fine for you, Dash. I promise.”

“Tomorrow, I’ll bake you a biiiiig cake to celebrate You-Not-Dying-And-Moving-Into-Pinkie’s-Barn-With-All-Your-Animals Day! Devil’s food cake sound okay?”

“Sounds wonderful!” Dash said.

“Yippie!” she squealed, as she and Rarity left.

“Thank you for doing this, Pinkie,” Dash said to the farm girl. “I want you to know I don’t plan on staying here all that long. I’m no moocher.”

Pinkie smiled. “Aw, Ah know ya aren’t. Yer too hard a worker fer that! Listen, anythang yew may need... food, blankets, medicine fer yer critters, just fly on out ‘n’ knock on mah door!”

“I will!” Rainbow said. “Now that I have money — thank Celestia — I’m planning on hiring some builder ponies to rebuild my house. Soon as they’re done, I’ll be moving my animals back into my old house."

“Sounds like a plan! If ya like, Ah happen ta know the perfect ponies ta do the rebuilding for ya! Winesap ‘n’ Plywood their names are!”

The names were new to Rainbow Dash. “You know, it’s always amazed me how well-connected you are, for a farm girl.”

“One: Ah gotta big, big extended family. Two: A place like Sweet Apple Acres don’t git ta be as profitable as it is without being willin’ ta go out, meet new ponies, and sell apples to ‘em!” Pinkie replied. “Farm girls jest can’t stay rooted ta their farms, round-the-clock... any more than animal-lovin’ gals like yew can jest shut themselves up in their homes and never leave, am Ah right?”

“...Yeah. Yeah, you’re VERY right, Pinkie! An animal-loving gal would be STUPID to shut herself in her house forever!” Saying this made Rainbow Dash feel a little bit freer, inside.

“Mmm-hmm!”

“Say, Pinkie... you know that lye shooter of yours?” The weapon was still mounted on her back; the farmer still hadn’t changed out of the... outfit she’d galloped to battle in. “I’ll gladly pay you money to build one for me. Y’know, just in case that glufferflork had friends or whatever.”

“Can do, Dashie! But yew don’t need ta pay me a thang. Ah’ll gladly do it fer free!”

“I don’t want you to go out of your way...”

“Hogwash! A) Buyin’ a new house is gonna be expensive enough fer ya, B) Ah’d like to be able ta prevent this from ever happenin‘ again, jest as much as yew, and C) Girl oughta have a way of defendin herself and what’s precious to her!”

What unbelievably good friends she had. For a moment, Rainbow Dash considered NOT rebuilding her cottage, and just hiring herself out to the Apple Family as a farmhoof, and all her critters could learn to be free-range barn animals. Instead, she hugged the pink pony.

“Aww, what’re friends for? In the meantime, though, why not come to the farmhouse, and Ah’ll pull somethin’ out of the fridge fer ya? Reckon yew must be hungry after all tonight’s excitement! Then we gotta guest bedroom yew can sleep in... or mebbe yew can even share a mug of hard cider with me before that...”

Rainbow Dash passed a look over to her cassette player. “Tomorrow would be better for me, Pinkie. My animals will need a bit of time getting used to their new temporary home, and I got to be there to help break them in, you know?”

Pinkie Pie eyed the baby alligator sleeping by the armadillo warily. “Tomorrow, then, alright?”

“It’s a deal!”

Rainbow Dash stood by the open barn door, watching Pinkie Pie cross through the cornfield towards her farmhouse, and pressed the play button on her cassette player.

“Begin each morning by looking yourself in the mirror and shouting ‘NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!’ at your reflection 100 times.” growled Iron Will. “Say it with me, out loud! No More Mr. Nice Guy!”

“No More Miss Nice Girl,” said Rainbow Dash.

“No More Mr. Nice Guy!”

“No More Miss Nice Girl!” she repeated, stronger and with more aggression.

“No More Mr. Nice Guy!”

“No More Miss Nice Girl!” she yelled, sorry that there wasn’t a proper mirror to look into in this barn.

“You have reached the end of Tape 1, Side B,” announced a bland-sounding male who wasn’t Iron Will. “Please insert Tape 2, Side A.”

She didn’t bother putting the second tape in. “No More Miss Nice Girl! No More Miss Nice Girl! No More Miss Nice Girl!”

Ninety-four more times she repeated this phrase, each time with more ferocity, like the indomitable pegasus warriors of yore. Upon finishing, she shut the the barn door, bolted it, and turned towards her darling little animals, bucking the wooden, cobwebbed wall of the barn loud and rhythmically.

“Wake up!” she shouted. “Wake-up time, my scaly, slimy, feathered, and furry friends! All creatures great and small! UP AND AT ‘EM!!!”

It truly was a potent sleep spell, but not impenetrable. Grouchily, unwillingly, they rose off the ground, giving the sort of growls which had coined the phrase, ‘let sleeping dogs lie.‘ At the sight of Rainbow Dash, they fixed their caretaker with their old familiar looks of absolute contempt.

Rainbow Dash flashed them her sassiest, brassiest grin. All teeth showing.

“I just want to put all you naughty boys and girls on notice: all your fun is over. As of this moment, it’s all going to be about O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E, which spells OBEDIENCE, and every inch of that obedience is going to be TO ME.”

“To me! To me!” called Jabbers... though the tone of those words sounded like those of an olden-day queen unsheathing her sword, and calling her knights to her side in the thick of warfare.

Scampering to the opposite end of the barn, Angel Bunny gabbered at the animals in loud, angry, demagogic growl-honks.

“Are you SUUUUURE you want to listen to cat-stink over there?” Dash asked her pets sweetly, as all of them flocked to the rabbit’s side. Every animal bared its teeth, crouching as if to pounce. Angel Bunny’s smirk couldn’t be more scornful.

“Oh, boy, did you back the wrong horse!” Rainbow Dash spat into a pile of ancient straw, rolling her neck muscles and flaring out her wings. “Think you’re so tough?! I’ll show you my stuff!”

The animals all launched themselves at Rainbow Dash in one collective charge.

* * *

Days passed, though not uneventfully. Much was happening. Incredibly, Lyra Heartstrings was able to convince Lero to leave Rainbow Dash alone for a while, and focus on other things.

“But those animals...!” the human protested the next day, during a safe moment when Rarity had left Golden Oaks Library.

“I’ll have a talk with Twilight and Spike. We can arrange it so Spike can go to that barn Rainbow’s living at right now and have him be her pet-care assistant in your place.” Lyra said, “They’re manageable enough as long as Spike’s there, right?”

“Well, yeah,” said Lero, not wanting to admit how Spike was better at it than him. “But...!”

“I say this,” the aqua unicorn cut in, “Because as I recall, the whole reason Discord put us on his exemption list was to keep Twilight properly focused. So far, we haven’t exactly been doing a flawless job, there. I mean... LOOK at her!”

Across the room they were sitting in, Lyra and Lero were unable to see Twilight Sparkle for all the books she had piled around herself.

“I’ve also talked with Twilight in private,” Lyra whispered into his ear. “Part of the reason why she’s gotten to this state is because you’ve been spending so much time focused on Rainbow.”

“I...!”

“Look…” She put a hoof on his side, comforting him. “I understand. I’m worried about her, too, and it hurt me a lot to know she was suffering and I couldn’t help. But this doesn’t change the fact that week after week, you’ve made a point of going to help Rainbow, spending hours every day at her cottage... then going off to spend more time with one of the other Element Bearers, and often not coming home until late at night. Never once have you paid that same kind of attention to Twilight this whole time. I know she’s not afflicted the same way as the swapped, but she’s still suffering. We all appreciate how worried you are for Rainbow’s physical safety, but Twilight’s grown very lonely for you, Lero. She’s come to believe that you secretly hate her for causing Rainbow to leave our herd, that you don’t care about HER anymore, that you won’t ever be able to truly forgive her until you’ve fixed her mistakes to your personal satisfaction.”

“That’s...!”

“In addition, the fact that you haven’t made love to her once since the day she caused the Swap,” she said, in her softest whisper, her mouth as close as could be against his ear, “Doesn’t exactly send her a positive message, either.”

Lero blanched. A very unsettling thought struck the human: could it be that part of the reason she’d come to develop such a Swapped-like obsession with finding the Cure was as a subconscious cry for love and attention from him?

“Just... BE with her,” Lyra pleaded. “Be with TWILIGHT, make HER your number one priority for now! Don’t even go to Rainbow right now... just let Spike handle her animals, until Rainbow gets her cottage rebuilt! And if the animals are too wild for Spike to handle," Lyra stood straight, as a confident warrior should. “then I’ve got it covered.”

The human hung his head. “You’re right. It would be wrong of me to grow so focused on what I’ve lost, as to neglect what I still have.”

Lyra kissed his cheek. “Don’t you worry, though. Rainbow’s not going to forget all you’ve done for her. And frankly, between all her animals, and the influence of Fluttershy’s personality... I doubt some other stallion’s going to steal her away from you anytime soon, lover-boy.”

Twilight, naturally, needed as much convincing to pull her away from her studies.

“...If I have to, I’ll read through every book in existence!” she insisted after fifteen minutes of talk, levitating her book up closer. Lero was about to say something, but Lyra spoke quicker.

“My, you are a voracious reader, Twilight!” she told the purple unicorn.

“Mmm-hmmm.” concurred Twilight, flipping a page.

Lyra turned to Lero. “Say, Fingers? Do you know what I think of when I hear the word ‘voracious?’”

“What?” he asked blankly.

“I think of food!”

“Uh... me too, I guess.” Whatever she was getting at, he hadn't a clue.

“Lero, remind me... what would happen if I were to just voraciously eat and eat and eat every single scrap of food in this house, without giving myself a chance to properly digest any of it?”

Gluttony was not at all part of Lyra’s character. Unsurely, he answered, “You’d probably vomit.”

“Yes!” Lyra perkily agreed. “I probably would vomit! And... what do you think would happen if I were to voraciously read and read and read every book on these shelves without giving myself a chance to mentally digest any of what I read? Would I be any better off?”

Grinning, finally seeing what Lyra had been leading to, he answered, “Why, I imagine not!”

They both looked to Twilight, who lowered the book from her face. “I see what you two are getting at, but any of these books could contain the answer to...!”

“Maybe you’ve already read them!” Lyra countered. “Maybe the books you're looking for are ones you’ve already read through... but you didn’t give yourself time to reflect on them! Ever think of that? I know you, Twilight: you’re probably looking for the cure to be spelled out to you, step-by-step, like a recipe in a cookbook. But what if, instead, it’s more like a mystery tale? Where you have to play detective, piecing the subtle, scattered clues together in just the right way?”

While Twilight stared at her in wonderment, the Still Way grandmaster gently shut the purple unicorn’s book with her telekinesis.

“Let’s go out to the marketplace. I want to treat you to a strawberry smoothie, and then let’s talk about what you’ve researched. Two heads are better than one, after all!”

“And three heads are better than two!” Lero added.

Twilight looked backwards to her stacks of books... looking ready to insist upon being left alone... only to let out a sigh. “You know... it’s been forever since the last time I had a strawberry smoothie,” she told them.

“Me too!” Lyra said.

* * *

Ponyville’s ice cream shop was run by a mare named named Knickerbocker Glory. Lyra and Twilight both ordered strawberry smoothies, while Lero had himself a banana one, and chose to enjoy them outside, rather than eat at one of Knickerbocker’s tables. But Twilight wouldn’t discuss her research anyplace where there were other ponies in earshot. After all, Bewitched ponies wouldn’t understand, and Ponyville was a small town, so they risked word getting back to one of the Swapped Five.

Instead, they found themselves a high and distant hill, where they could sip their smoothies in peaceful solitude while still basking in the sunlight and fresh air.

“So what sort of things were you able to find about swapping in your research?” asked Lero, with an extra-long drag on his straw. “Are there any other cases or happenings just like ours?”

Twilight gave a weary-sounding chuckle. “Cases just like ours... heh. Well, there is ONE I know of, though I haven’t been able to find a THING about it. And believed me: I’ve SEARCHED. Long and hard.”

“Do tell,” Lyra encouraged her.

Twilight looked over at Lero. “Remember that story you told us about Discord bringing you to his world of weirdness? Whenever I’m researching... there’s a certain something he said to you that always keeps gnawing at the back of my mind: 'I’m doing enough already! It’s not like the LAST ponies who’d had their marks swapped had the benefit of my bewitchment covering for them!'”

Lero nodded, remembering the sharpness in the draconequus’ voice.

“Meaning that at some point in the past, either during Starswirl’s lifetime or after his passing, five (or maybe six!) other Element Bearing ponies experienced a Mark Swap... an Identity Swap!” Twilight said. “Just like ours!”

“Who? When? What happened to them?” Lero said, listening with even more interest.

But Twilight shook her head. “THERE ARE NO RECORDS! NONE! It’s incredible... you’d think that five or six Element Bearing ponies swapping cutie marks, insisting they WERE each other, and in all likelihood, going completely mad would’ve been of interest to at least ONE historian, but no! Nothing! Our own Mark Swap might as well be the first such happening of its kind!”

“And even then, the world at large wouldn’t be able to recognize that our friends’ marks WERE swapped!” Lero noted flatly. “All the experts would tell us that Rarity and the others had ‘always had those marks, right from the beginning!’”

“Do you think Discord might’ve been lying?” Lyra asked.

The purple unicorn shook her head again. “I’ve considered that, but after all he’s done and is STILL doing to help us, my instinct says he was telling the truth on that!”

Lyra stared down thoughtfully. “So then... the records of these Swapped Element Bearers of Yore are gone. Maybe they were accidentally lost, or the parchment they were written on crumbled to dust over the centuries!”

“Or maybe somepony in power had them deliberately destroyed.” Lero suggested.

Both his mares turned to him in surprise. “Why would they do that?” asked Twilight.

“Think about what the Elements ARE!” The human said. “Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness and all the rest! They’re virtues! Like it or not, when you’re an Element Bearer, you’re not just some agent of Celestia’s... you’re meant to be the living embodiment of a virtue! Aspects of the very Harmony that unites your people! The whitest of white knights! So what happens if they’re all driven mad and go on killing sprees? Wouldn’t want THAT to become common knowledge, would you?”

The image of Celesita, with her soft smile and flowing ethereal mane floated into Lero’s head.

“You might want to write a letter to the Princess at some point, Twilight,” Lero proposed. “Ask her whether there might be a scroll or two lying about some section of her restricted archives that can tell us what happened to the last six Element Bearers. Tell her how Discord mentioned them, and you’d like to learn more.”

“I... will.” Twilight looked ruffled, sensing the accusation of her Princess underneath that politely suggestive tone of his. “And by the same token, you ought to go get in contact with Discord and ask him for details, too.”

“It’s not like I can dragon-mail Discord with Spike, and he’ll come running at my beck and call!” Lero told her. “Our Chaos God friend comes on his OWN time!”

“Fair enough.” Lyra replied. “Just try to ask him when you get a chance. In any case, Twilight, since you couldn’t find any other instances of a Mark Swap... did you find situations SIMILAR to what we’re going through?”

“Oh yes!” said Twilight. “There’s Body Swaps, for one!”

“Yeah, tell us about that!”

Body Swaps! Memories of every single long-running cartoon series he’d ever watched as a boy came back to Lero’s head. Almost inevitably, there’d always been one episode where there’d be some form of switcheroo, which was somehow always fixed by the episode’s end. On one hand, he could hardly blame them for wanting to undo their Swaps as fast as possible. On the other hand, a grudging side of Lero would’ve loved to see how those cartoon characters would’ve handled half of the stuff he’d been put through!

“Body Swaps, as opposed to the Identity Swaps brought on by our friends’ cutie mark exchange, are just what they sound like.” Twilight informed Lyra, who had never watched any cartoon’s swap-episodes of her own in her fillyhood. “Your souls exchange bodies, but your minds and sense of self remain unchanged. Effectively, it’d be no different than if I transmogrified your bodies into that of each other!”

Lyra and Lero looked at each other, picturing themselves in each other’s skin.

“Body Swap magic has a long and checkered history,” Twilight went on. “It’s been put to all sorts of uses; some good, others horrific.”

“Like what?” asked Lero, keenly.

“Well, I think one of the most benign uses of Body Swapping is as an empathy exercise. You know, ‘walk a mile in another pony’s horseshoes’ in the most literal sense possible. You’d have stubborn, squabbling foals: brothers bickering with sisters, older siblings with younger ones, and so forth. Teachers and parents would sometimes body-swap them for an hour or so, to help them see things from the other pony’s point of view.”

“How well did it work?” Lero asked.

“Well, one of the most successful cases I read about happened between two young stepsisters. The elder was deaf, the younger was not. The younger stepsister was quite bratty and bullying and COULD NOT sympathize with her deaf sister’s handicap. So her parents finally had them swap bodies, and after a week of being deaf, the younger stepsister treated the elder one much more respectfully.”

“Well that’s good!” said Lyra. “Still... I wonder how it must’ve been for the deaf sister, having to return to her deaf body after a week of being able to hear.”

Then they watched Twilight blush. “There have... also been instances where ponies used Body Swapping as a sexual kink. Stallions and mares swapping bodies to see how sex feels for the other gender. The most extreme example of this was in the case of Putty Knife and his wife, Armoire. Putty Knife wished to, er, experience the joys of pregnancy and foal-birth for himself... so the moment Armoire went into heat, they swapped bodies. For sixteen months, Putty and Armoire remained swapped, until Putty had given birth to a colt and had his fill of femininity."

“Sixteen months?” Lyra balked. “But it only takes eleven for a pony to give birth!”

“Oh, I forgot to mention: Putty asked for a little more time to experience the joys of breast feeding as well.”

Lero cringed. “Weeeeeeeeiiiirrrdd.”

“What an... UNDERSTANDING mare this Armoire girl was!” Lyra said.

Then the look in Twilight’s eyes turned more serious. “But body swapping also has darker applications. It’s practically the evildoer’s best friend! There was a serial killer who escaped arrest for a long, long while, thanks to the Body Swap. There was also this politician running for mayor a while back: she had her opponent kidnapped during an election cycle, so the opponent could be body-swapped with the politician’s loyal flunky. The body-swapped flunky nearly completely destroyed the opponent’s reputation. But the authorities figured out what had happened and the politician was jailed.”

“Whoa,” said Lyra and Lero together.

“And several truly ruthless mages have used Body Swapping as a way of cheating death.”

“What do you mean?” asked Lero.

“You know... they’d get on in years or possibly get seriously ill or injured, see Death at their doorstep, then get some young, healthy pony... or even a foal or a newborn!... and swap bodies with him or her, and let that poor sap die of old age and sickness in their place. Body swaps in general require exceptional magical skill, and using it for THAT is extraordinarily illegal. But it still happens to this day.”

“That’s just diabolical!” cried Lyra.

“Some of these guys put the whole changeling race to shame,’ Lero said.

Twilight nodded. “There was another evil unicorn named Cocklebur who used Body Swapping to prey upon wealthy ponies: accessing her victims’ bank accounts and driving them into bankruptcy to splurge on herself... the most INSIDIOUS form of identity theft imaginable! And then there’ve been instances where married ponies have come home, found their spouse in a passionate, lovemaking mood... only it’s not REALLY their spouse, not INSIDE!”

“Does this spell still exist today?” Lero asked, in a hushed tone.

“It does. I’m perfectly capable of casting it myself, in fact!” Then Twilight smiled at her human herdmate. “You know, Lero... I’ve always wondered what it feels like... being human. Having hands, walking around on two legs. It’d made for a great research paper! Wanna trade?”

Lero felt as if his brain had dropped out of his nose.

“Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Oh, Lero, just look at yourself!!” Twilight giggled. “You should make that expression more often!”

After another second of stupor... seeing she’d just been teasing, he put on a clownish expression of contemplation. “I don’t know... the idea of being Equestria’s most powerful unicorn DOES have its appeal...”

They laughed some more.

“Anyway, besides body swapping, there’s also the matter of possession by ghosts and demonic entities...”

And so it went.

Lyra’s plan was to minimize the amount of time Twilight Sparkle spent reading books each day. Not deny her them entirely, (for of course, the Cure COULD’VE been spelled out in the very next book, as Twilight was always insisting!) But as she put it to Lero, “My aim is to get her to cut back on reading and push forward on THINKING.”

To this end, Lyra kept an eye on Twilight. As soon as she’d seen Twilight reach a book’s last page, she’d pull her to the side of the room and get her to discuss everything she read. She’d ask Twilight questions about what she’d learned, offer her thoughts and opinions, and Lero would be right there with Lyra doing the same, though his lack of magical understanding restricted him to philosophical underpinnings and his perspective on historical events, or a sounding board to explain basic magical points to to allow reflection on them.

The three of them would also go out to Lyra’s special meditation place... the one where she and Lero had made love to each other, (and in fact the place where the three of them had first made love together as a trio.) They used the seclusion to perform special Still Way meditative techniques that Lyra taught them to help clear Twilight’s mind, and then talk with each other some more, about things that were and were not related to the Swap.

Lyra also saw fit to put Twilight on an exercise regimen; mostly jogging and simple warm-up exercises. When Twilight protested the relevance of this, Lyra explained, “Balanced mind, balanced body, balanced heart... best possible outcome!”

Lero was there for all of it, though when the mares performed ‘horn exercises,’ he sat that out for obvious reasons, jokes aside. On the fourth day of Twilight having accepted this regimen, she, Lyra, and Lero made love to each other.

Bit by bit, Twilight’s mood and attitude was begging to improve.

* * *

Lero also set aside time to check up on Rarity, restricting himself to just an hour or so each day, for Twilight’s sake. He always knew where she’d be each workday, since she begun posting her weather schedule straight on the refrigerator door with a magnet. He’d borrow Twilight’s pair of binoculars, (for Rarity was often high up on one of her clouds) and one of the umbrellas and race off to wherever work had called her to.

From the ground, he would watch her in the sky with Flitter and Cloudchaser, and the other members of her team. Sometimes making clouds, sometimes clearing clouds, or ushering in winds or stopping them in their tracks. Rarity would spare him just a quick, fleeting glance... like the eyes of an onstage actress, spotting her boyfriend in the auditorium... before returning to her play. Except for one time.

Lero had happened to come and watch at a time where they were having their lunch break, and Rarity swooped down and insisted on splitting half her lunch with him.

“So what’s new in your world?” He had asked her, after finishing off the yogurt.

“Well, I just had a chat with Valley Breeze, my boss,” she told him. “She let me know that all my infractions had been piling up. All it would take is one more mistake and she’d be glad to hand me my walking papers.”

“Funny,” he said. “You sound so... unbothered about it.”

“I am,” she said. “Because she won’t be able to fire me. I’m just not going to give her the slightest excuse to.” Then she looked at his lips. “Oh, you got a spot of yogurt on the side of your mouth, my love. Let me get that for you.”

And she ran her tongue along his lips, just as Flitter announced that the break was over.

“Mmm, better!” she said, hopping back on her cloud. Lero had touched his lips, feeling Rarity's thin saliva on them, and felt his cheeks heat.

Even without Lero keeping an eye on her, there were no further incidents of irrepressible inspiration, no more angry neighbors knocking on Golden Oaks’ door to yell at Rarity. Clouds only came when the weather schedule said there would be clouds. Snow wasn’t due until after autumn wrap-up. But this didn’t mean that Rarity’s weather-art was at an end.

She’d taken to venturing out to the Everfree Forest to experiment with her wilder flights of meteorological fancy, or even made them around her home when she craved an audience, (though these were strictly contained within her own property lines, never crossing an inch into the neighbors‘ territory.) There was one day, for example, Lero had come home to find icicles dangling from every branch of the tree: each one shaped rather like the swirling spiral of Rarity’s own tail. And he just laughed and entered his house.

And as far as the neighbors were concerned, if some of the rain clouds she made happened to have a lavish curlicue border, or the odd streaks of aquamarine... well, what of that? Even more, though, on occasion, after thoroughly testing it beforehand, she would place one of her works of art in the sky, always in accordance with the weather schedule, and always in a way that wouldn’t disrupt ponies' lives: her art on display for all to see and enjoy, as she’d always intended, without disaster and inconvenience.

But any discussion of how Rarity’s life was improving could not be complete without mention of Scootaloo.

* * *

Twilight and Lero had Lyra approach Scootaloo and drum up a conversation with the young filly, in much the same way they’d had Spike approach Rarity. They were all curious to know what Scootaloo’s relationship with the unicorn weathermare had ‘used’ to be like.

According to Scootaloo’s story, their past relationship had been next to nothing. She’d known of Rarity, of course. Since both her fellow Crusaders were sisters of Element Bearers, Scootaloo had encountered Rarity on occasion and shared words. Emotionally, though, they’d been about as close as Scootaloo had been to pre-Swap Pinkie Pie.

Hero worship seemed to be a key element of Scootaloo’s nature; to have some older mare she could admire and emulate. But she’d been picky about who she idolized; preferring other pegasi over all other races. She’d been a Wonderbolts fan... particularly of a girl named Lightning Dust. Lyra had described Lightning Dust as ‘a very disreputable-sounding but talented up-and-comer.’

Twilight's eyes lit up at Lightning Dust's name. She reminded Lyra and Lero who Lightning Dust had been: a former Wonderbolts cadet who'd been partnered with Rainbow Dash, back when the Wonderbolts had still mattered to Dash. A completely egocentric glory hound with no real sense of teamwork; Lightning Dust had created a tornado one day, just to set herself above the other cadets. If Dash hadn't taken fast action, this tornado would've killed Twilight and Dash's four other friends... and Lightning Dust hadn't even given a damn.

"Hang on!" said Lero. "I think I remember Dash telling me about her, during a break in her cadet training! Didn't Dash go up to Spitfire and speak out against this Lightning Dust girl?"

"Dash didn't just 'speak out!'" Twilight reminded him. "She flat out quit the Wonderbolts! But Spitfire reinstated her right away, after kicking Lightning Dust out of the Academy for reckless endangerment!"

"So then... why would Lighting Dust be BACK in the Wonderbolts?" asked Lero. "It doesn't make sense!"

"Actually, it makes PERFECT sense! Think about the way Starswirl's Swap and Discord's Bewitchment operate!" Lyra argued. "How they 'correct' the past! Since 'Animal Caretaker Rainbow' had 'never been all that interested in the Wonderbolts,' she never would've joined as a cadet, right? Because she didn't join as a cadet, Twilight and her other friends would never have gone to visit her at the Academy, and nearly get killed by Lightning Dust's tornado in the process! So logically, in a world where Rainbow Dash had never entered the picture, Lightning Dust would still be a Wonderbolt cadet!"

"But surely a ruthless girl like Lightning Dust would've eventually done something just as bad as that tornado!" Lero contented. "Don't tell me no other classmate would've spoken out against her behavior!"

Twilight gave a shrug and said, "Apparently not."

Both unicorns frowned slightly as their human stallion murmured something that sounded like it's a wonderful life, but when asked, he quickly bade Lyra to resume her story about Scootaloo. The aqua unicorn went on to detail how several events seemed to have not occurred at all for the filly with her new bewitched memories... not even with Rarity subbing in for Rainbow.

For example, the Rainbow Dash fan club that Scootaloo had been president of had contributed greatly to fueling Dash’s ego, leading to ‘The Mare-Do-Well incident’ which Dash had never liked talking about. The name ‘Mare-Do-Well’ meant nothing to Scootaloo now. Or anyone else not on the exemption list for that matter.

More importantly, there had been a fateful camping trip between Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack back in the pre-Swap days, which had ended in Scootaloo becoming an honorary little sister of Rainbow Dash’s.

Scootaloo remembered there being a camping trip between Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rarity... but had decided it wasn’t worth coming along with her fellow Crusaders.

But the glufferflork had changed everything. Seeing what Rarity did to the acid beast had impressed the pegasus filly so profoundly, she’d adopted her as her new idol. And now, Scootaloo seemed determined to make up for ‘lost time’... all her hero worship for the Element of Loyalty she’d been ‘missing out on.‘

Scootaloo was ALWAYS coming over to Golden Oaks Library, every other day, to be taught by Rarity. She always greeted Rarity whenever she passed by her in town, or waved and called out to her, when the unicorn was up on a cloud. A few times, the pegasus filly had come to Lero to ask questions about Rarity, or sometimes even questions about himself and Rarity as a couple, (though she never pressed for the truly intimate details, thank heavens!) Word on the street was that Scootaloo was asking lots of ponies questions about Rarity: she seemed to want to know as much about her as possible!

For Rarity’s part, after all the shame and disgrace she’d curried with her neighbors... a girl like Scootaloo was like sweet music after weeks of listening to nothing but screams and shouts. She adored the little filly just as much as Scootaloo adored her. Certainly it didn’t hurt that both the ‘Rarity’ and ‘Rainbow Dash’ parts of the swapped unicorn’s soul had always craved a fandom.

* * *

Lero had promised Lyra not to go see Rainbow Dash for Twilight’s sake, and he meant to be good as his word. But one day, when he was feeling especially nervous and lonely to see his rainbow-maned love again, he went over to the cottage, to see how the rebuilding was going.

The construction crew was doing a phenomenal job. The debris from Dash’s old house had already been cleared away; Lero had to suppose that whatever old possessions they’d managed to salvage had already been collected by Rainbow Dash.

The Plywood & Winesap team was primarily made up of unicorns and pegasi, and they worked with the industrious single-mindedness of worker ants gifted with wings and magic-casting abilities, both of which really sped the process up immensely. However, it was worth noting that there were several burly Earth ponies moving heavy loads or supporting structures while they were fastened into place.

Lero also got a chance to speak with both Plywood and Winesap, themselves. Winesap was yet another distant cousin of the Apple family: a unicorn mare. Plywood was her husband; another unicorn. Being that Lero was essentially a worldwide celebrity in his own right, they’d already heard of him, and asked him all the usual questions about what being human was like, how well he got around being so oddly shaped, whether it was true that he ate meat, did he ever plan to go back to the human world, and so on. He answered them all with patient, practiced good humor. In turn, he asked them a few questions of his own.

“So from what I’m seeing,” Lero said, turning to the half-finished cottage, “It looks like this new house is going to be a perfect replica of the old one, right?”

“Yes, that’s right!” said Winesap, who didn’t have the Southern accent of any of her local Ponyville cousins. “Right down to the chicken coops and the birdhouses. We offered other options to Miss Dash, but she was adamant on us reconstructing her old home, as it was before that awful monster knocked it down. We did insist on reinforcing it and updating the plumbing and insulation, though.”

“Horrible how you can still smell that thing’s stink all over the ground, isn’t it?” asked Plywood.

“How is she doing these days?” he asked them, uninterested in the stink. “Miss Dash, I mean. Like... on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being unhappy and... worse for wear, and 10 being great, would you say she looks okay? How would you describe her?”

Plywood and Winesap shared a grin with each other that reminded Lero of Cloudchaser.

“Just like she said he’d be...” Winesap said, nudging her husband.

“What?” said Lero.

“Yeah, I’d say Miss Dash looks okay,” Winesap told Lero. “Very strong-willed, outgoing lady, but in a GOOD way! It’s clear to me she loves being with other ponies.”

“Yeah!” said Plywood. “Straight ten, no question!”

Strong-willed? Outgoing? Loved being with other ponies?

“Uh... what kind of cutie mark did she have on her?” he asked the two.

“Three pink butterflies,” Plywood told him with a frown.

Dang! It’d almost sounded like she’d gotten her old cutie mark back! Still, though... how was it possible for her to act that way with her Butterfly Mark still on?

“She... spoke an AWFUL lot about you, Mr. Lero,” spoke Plywood. “All you did for her.”

“She just... couldn’t seem to get her mind off you!”

Again, they were grinning salaciously and suggestively at him, the smiles of ninth-grade gossipmongers with a really juicy scoop.

“Really?” he said, uncomfortably. “Wow, cool, gosh, I got errands to run, and you’ve a house to build, so bye!”

But before he actually left the construction site, there was one more thing that stopped him. A familiar face in the crowd of workers.

“Mac!” he called, waving his hand. “Big Macintosh! Hi!” Lero had never seen his large red stallion friend without his yoke. He’d traded it in for a construction helmet. The stallion turned around, on four legs that were strong, muscular, and had fur that was just beginning to come back in.

“Glad to see the surgery went well!” Lero told him.

“Eeeeyup,” said Mac, breaking away from the other workers for a bit.

“What’re you doing here?” asked the human.

“Fixin’ what the flork broke.” Lero would’ve thumped his friend on his back, but Mac didn’t come all the way over to him, looking back towards the new house he was helping to build. “Can’t talk. Work ta do.”

“I’ll come by Sweet Apple Acres later, and we can talk some more!”

“Eeeyup!”

* * *

Finally, there was Spike. Since the day after the glufferflork’s attack, Spike’s routine was thus:

At around 7 a.m., Spike would be roused from bed. By 7:45, he’d eaten breakfast, groomed himself, and was out the door, heading towards the barn on Sweet Apple Acres which Dash was staying at. Sometimes, he’d walk there on foot. Other times, Rarity offered to bring him to the barn herself, letting him ride with her on her cloud platform. He always preferred the latter option.

By 7 p.m., Spike would be back at Golden Oaks Library, and Lero would ask how things were going at that barn.

“Oh, fine!” the little dragon would tell him. “I mean, y’know, the animals were all mean and everything, but soon as I stepped in, I was able to get things calmed down right away!”

How bad were they hurting Rainbow Dash?

“They weren’t hurting her at all!” the dragon said. “I mean, yeah, they growled at her a lot, but I was able to get them to quiet down, and Rainbow Dash was able to take things easy!”

What sort of nastiness was Angel Bunny getting up to?

“Angel Bunny’s kind of been... toning it all down,” Spike assured him. “Just being a brat, nothing THAT big. Not really worth talking about.”

How did the day go?

“Y’know, feed the critters, clean up after their messes, the usual stuff, they were pretty well-behaved, because I was there! Going into details would just bore you to death, Lero.”

How was Dash doing as far as food went? Did she need more? Was the barn holding up well against all those animals? Did Pinkie Pie and the Apple Family ever come by to help?

“Look,” the dragon snapped, impatiently. “If there was anything worth mentioning about what’s happening at that stupid barn, believe me, I’d mention it! The animals are still shaken up after nearly being eaten by that flork-thing, so they haven’t been all that active! Ever hear of post-traumatic stress? It’s just hours and hours of dull, boring animal chores!”

And there wasn’t much more information Spike would tell him beyond that. And there was very little variation in the young dragon’s story, day after day.

“Say, Lero?” Spike said at one point. It was the fifth night since the glufferflork’s attack, and an hour after Lero had tried asking him questions about how things had gone at the barn. “Have you ever heard of a comic book series called Gnarly Gnarls? It’s this really cool story about a super-wacky superhero named Quagga Quigg Quogg who’s been sent to the past to deal with a necromancer, but it turns out the so-called necromancer is a just a friendly robot powered by orange marmalade. The real enemy is a pet store owner who sells dangerous pets from other dimensions, so shortly after Quagga befriends a race of mutant ostriches in the middle of a coliseum...”

“Spike?” the human interrupted. “How much time do you think I devote to reading comics?”

“Oh,” the dragon said. “Point taken.”

On the sixth night after the glufferflork’s attack, Spike uncomfortably handed Lero a piece of paper, saying, “Rainbow Dash asked me to give you this.”

Dear Lero,

My old cottage is completely repaired now, and I’ve just moved back in with all my animals. Spike’s been a huge help to me at the barn. He’s told me about how you’ve been helping Twilight through her own big problems. He’s passed along all your messages about how you’re sorry for not being here yourself, but I understand you have a life of your own. I’m surprised you managed to spend as much time with me as you did!

I know how worried you always are about me and my animals, and I’d love it if you could you come by tomorrow at noon. Will you be able to? Please, please, please let me know, soon as you can!

Big Thanks,

Rainbow Dash

Lero set Rainbow Dash’s letter to the side. “Spike, take a message!” he said, and had to wait for the dragon to fetch quill, ink, and paper.

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Of course I’ll come! If the animals are getting extra-vicious again, just remember the emergency plans we came up with. Don’t let them hurt you. Don’t let them prevent you from sleeping. If it’s something REALLY bad, just do what you did with the flork, and fly over here to the library or to the Apple Family. Always remember that we’ve all got your back.

Yours Truly,

Lero

Lero slept very poorly that night. Worries about what could possibly be happening to Rainbow Dash kept waking him up, six different times in the middle of the night, and he kept forcing himself to return to sleep. After all, he himself had said, ‘Don’t let them prevent you from sleeping,’ and he wasn’t going to be a hypocrite.

* * *

The next morning was the thirty-first day since Twilight Sparkle had cast Starswirl’s unfinished spell. Lero Michealides was once again at the Carousel Boutique. Some of Applejack’s newer creations out on display included skirts made out of the same streamer material that pompoms were, vinyl pants which were half opaque jean-things for the left legs, and completely see-through leggings on the right, and an thick overcoat which looked to have been sewn together from countless magazine advertisements. Yet for the most part, it was still the same merchandise that had remained unsold for the past month, ever since the Boutique had come under new ownership.

“So,” said Applejack, with a weary ghost of a smile, “Back again, are ya?” The former farmer looked so tired. So beaten.

“Yep,” said Lero. “Back again, I am. Gotta go visit my good friend Rainbow Dash, and I want to dress my best. She just moved back into her house.”

“Ah. Good fer Dash,” said Applejack. “Ah’d’ve liked ta seen her... but ya know, mah muse is a tough fellah ta hush up.”

Talking to Applejack was like talking to a girl who’d been bedridden for weeks, and wouldn’t be leaving the house anytime soon. Lero made a mental note to have Rarity pay a visit to Applejack and have her chat about her own artistic inspiration. It might be an much-needed eye-opener for AJ.

“This way,” Applejack said, leading him into the back of her store. “This’ll be the last thang on that list yew gave me, d’ya know that?”

“List?” he asked.

“From jest before yew flew off ta Bramblewood,” Applejack reminded her. “Ah’ll never fergit how flaunty Rarity was of them butterfly wings Twilight conjured up fer her.”

As if from another lifetime, Lero remembered handing a piece of paper to Rarity, back when she HADN’T been a member of Herd Bellerophon, telling the unicorn fashionista: 'All my clothes at home are starting to get pretty patchy... I made this list.'

Applejack brought him to the door that led into the humannequin room, but she hesitated in front of it, looking conflicted, and only able to bring herself to nose it open after a huff of deep resignation. The humannequin stood with arms positioned so that it looked like it was pressing against a storefront window. Or as though it wasn’t sure what to do with the weird appendages jutting out of its shoulder. But the clothes that it wore...

...There was just so much to take in. Yellow pants with black pinstripes, held up with red question mark suspenders against a white shirt with more question marks on the collar, and red gingham trim on the barrel cuffs. A massive silk handkerchief hung from the white shirt’s collar in lieu of a necktie; white polka dots on a red background. Over the top of this shirt; a red and white checker-plaid vest, which had watch chains in the pockets.

[But most striking of all was the extremely multicolored patchwork overcoat, like an explosion in a rainbow factory. Red tartan, purple felt, green felt, red felt, pink felt, peach wool, a checked collar and yellow over-dyed cuffs. The overcoat sported extra-long lapels — one yellow, one pink. An enamel cat brooch was pinned to the pink lapel.

Chunky green braids had been woven along the edges of the side pockets, and an appliqué strip ran down the center of the coat’s back. The inside lining of the coat was some heavily woven material, styled in some manner of fire-patterned motif. Finally, for footwear: green leather lace-up ankle boots, covered in bright red spats, with black buttons down the outer side.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tu2061ieHSc)

Shockingly, Lero did NOT react by running away screaming, sane as this would be. He circled around the humannequin, examining the patchwork creation in detail. Its ugliness didn’t even matter to him... he had seen this outfit before!

Somewhere!

Carrot juice, carrot juice...

He should know this! He should! Where had he seen this? Where?

I am the Doctor, whether you like it or not.

Doctor Who. Though he wasn’t British, Lero had watched that show since he was a child. He’d even gone so far as to watch the older black-and-white ones! Well, the ones that hadn’t been lost due to the practice of re-using tapes that studios had in that time. When he eventually died of old age here in Equestria, it’d be a shock if they WEREN’T still airing new episodes back on Earth! (What number Doctor would they be up to by then?)

“Applejack?” Lero asked, breathlessly. “I have a question, and you need to be absolutely honest with me: does the word ‘TARDIS‘ mean to you?”

The fashionista had been flinching in the corner of the room, as if expecting to be slapped for what she had done. However, realizing that his question had nothing to do with the outfit, uncertain confusion crossed her face. “Uh, is that sum kinda lip gloss?”

Her incomprehension was too genuine to be anything else.

“Not even close,” said Lero, pressing his hand against the outfit’s vest, feeling the teddy bear heads for buttons... the REALITY of them! “What... inspired this? Tell me! Please!”

“Ah dunno!” AJ sounded unprepared for the lack of revulsion and loathing in Lero’s voice.

He came right up to her. “Think, Applejack! Was it a dream? Try and remember! Was there a big rectangular box in this dream... like an outhouse, but painted blue? Was there a human man, kind of like me, but with no beard or mustache and curly, yellow-colored hair?”

Her head shook in complete bafflement. “Ah ain’t seen no box or man or nothin’! Ah was just stitchin’ fabric together at random, like mah muse wanted me to!”

Incredible.... Unbelievable! “Hang on! I got to try this on!” Lero couldn’t undress the humannequin fast enough. He all but leapt into the changing room. IT FIT!

YES!!!

He stepped out from the changing room like the winner of an Olympic gold medal, and rushed over to a mirror, putting on his finest Colin Baker sneer. “Oh, it's all right for you!” He quoted the show. “You're young, strong, fit of limb! You're confident in your mission, your energy's boundless, you're highly motivated to success. You even have a gun to enforce your will upon others! But look at me! My mind's in a turmoil. I no longer know if I'm coming, have gone or have even been. I'm falling to pieces. I no longer even have any clothes sense!”

“Uh... is this some sorta human thang?” asked Applejack, who he could see behind him in the mirror.

“Yes!” he cried, arms flung upward. “Yes, it IS a human thing! As wonderfully, brilliantly, uniquely human a thing as jeeps, footlong hot dogs, and websites!”

Applejack scratched under her hat with the tip of a hoof. “Ah don’t get it.”

Lero felt like his face could freeze forever in this smile. “Then let me explain what a glorious, amazing triumph you’ve accomplished today, Applejack! Somehow... someway... without meaning to, without even knowing what you were doing... you recreated the clothes worn by a legendary hero of a timeless human myth. A hero named the Sixth Doctor!”

“And... this Sixth Doctor guy... he did his heroing... in THAT getup?”

“He saved ENTIRE GALAXIES in this getup!” Lero told her. “But beyond even me being a hopeless fanboy... Applejack, you’ve given me something I would have never thought possible from anyone who wasn’t Discord. You’ve given me a small piece of my old home back to me. Of all things, it’s the Sixth Doctor’s costume from Doctor Who... but a piece of Earth nonetheless!”

“Yer not pulling my leg, are ya?” she asked.

Lero stepped up to the palomino mare. “How much are you asking for this?”

“100... bits?” She sounded more than willing to reduce her price.

He drew out his wallet and let 200 bits drop on the table in front of the gobsmacked mare. Hurriedly, she took off her hat, scooped the money into it, and ran after Lero, who was already heading towards the door.

“Wait right there!” she said, thrusting her hat out at the human’s hand. “Yew paid me WAY too much!”

Lero turned around. “Keep it. I insist! Half for you, half for...” he smirked wryly at the mare’s Diamond Mark. “...That muse of yours. Tell her Lero says ‘hi.’”

She set her hat down on the seat of a couch. “Why are yew doing this?” she asked.

“Because no one else could have given me a gift like this,” he said, with a proud tug on his mismatched lapels. “No one else but you, Applejack.” And he hugged her thankfully. “Never forget that you are a truly brilliant fashionista. You have a customer for life!”

When he left her store, Applejack watched the human through her window, who sauntered down the street like it was made of gold, and so was the suit he had on. A mare on the street doubled up in laughter, and he gave her the double thumbs-up. Derpy Hooves’ husband stopped dead in his tracks, staring in utter disbelief, and Lero saluted him with a giddy grin, which after a few seconds he returned.

“Ah... Ah made someone HAPPY,” Applejack breathed out. “An outfit AH made... made someone honest-ta-goodness... HAPPY.”

How long had it been since she’d cried out of joy?

The bell by her door rung as... A SECOND CUSTOMER stepped in, before she could ever dry her eyes. A unicorn stallion... but one of the oddest-looking ones she’d seen in a dog’s age! His eyes were all yellow, his face was more goat-like than equine, even his horn had a goatish look to him! His cutie mark showed about a dozen arrows, all going in different maze-like directions. He wore a T-shirt that read: WHAT WOULD STARSWIRL DO?”

“Do I have the pleasure of addressing Applejack? The cutting-edge fashion pioneer?”

“That’d be mah name, mister,” she told him.

“Delighted to meet you!” He tipped his hat... wait, had he been wearing a hat? “Let me introduce myself; my name is Zany Antics, and a good friend of mine spoke glowingly of the clothes you sell!”

Zany Antics looked around the store, grinning at everything he saw. “Good thing I didn’t leave my wallet at home, eh?”

* * *

“Lero! Lero!” The human stopped at the huffing and puffing of a little dragon running to catch up with him. “Le...”

Spike saw what he was wearing.

“Oh sweet mother-of-pearl,” he gagged. “Applejack’s outdone herself.”

“Yes, she has!” the human nodded.

“Your clothes look like someone ate every flavor of ice cream in existence and then threw up each one over a different part of your body.”

“I know!” He beamed happily. "It's the height of sartorial elegance!"

"What the heck does 'sartorial' mean?"

"I don't know! I'm just quoting Colin Baker!"

“Well, I can’t wait to see Dash’s animals tear THIS one up when we get there!” Spike said, trotting in the direction of the cottage.

The human’s face fell. “WAIT! I didn’t think this through...!”

* * *

Spike stood off to the side as Lero knocked on the cottage door. To their surprise, the door was opened, not by Rainbow Dash, but by the capuchin riding on the back of the St. Bernard. The St. Bernard AND the capuchin bent into a bow. The way the capuchin held his arm crooked put Lero especially in mind of a butler.

They stepped inside, equally surprised to find the house was immaculate, as was every possession and piece of furniture. Practically all of the animals were lined up in a double row, on either side of Lero and Spike. Every creature was perfectly groomed, and smelled of sweetly fragrant shampoo. The reptiles' scales were flawless, not a hanging scale, almost looking as if polished to a mirror shine. The dogs didn’t pant, the cats didn’t lick themselves, the birds didn’t tweet. No animal made a sound, they just sat on their haunches in their rows, stiff as soldiers in a line.

Spike and Lero felt obliged to follow the path they made to the foot of the stairway leading to the cottage’s upper floor.

“Uh... Dash?” he called upstairs, a bit unsettled by this unusual behavior by the animals.

They heard hooves descending the stairs at a slow and measured pace. A flock of the smaller birds trilled out a well-harmonized, regal overture.

Down the steps came Rainbow Dash. She held herself like royalty, with her chin aloft, dressed in a regal train of silken spring green, perfectly accented along the hem with fresh flowers that highlighted the colors of her finely brushed coat and mane. While it covered her beautiful, colorful tail, it give the effect a longer, sweeping tail that drew the eye to the soft curves of her hips. At her neck and ear she wore pendants of blue-green butterflies, their presence an even softer accent to her lovely feminine form.

Like the cat that ate the canary, she smiled as every animal bowed their heads when she reached the bottom of the stairs.

“Dearest friends,” Rainbow Dash greeted her guests, “I bid you welcome.” She spoke with such an august and stately air, Lero couldn’t quite tell whether she were being serious or self-satirizing. Maybe a little of both. In all ways, Lero felt like he was being received by the friendly queen of some foreign nation.

“I’m... honored to be here!” he found himself saying. “Dash... look at you!” he said, “You’re... you look...”

“Yes?” she encouraged with a smile.

Lero remembered the way his own father had reacted to his mother, whenever she pulled out every stop to glam herself up. He was feeling that himself, right now. Girls were so unbelievably enticing when they made themselves fancy... and on those rare and special occasions when Rainbow Dash bothered to go all out, styling her hair, applying perfume, wearing a dress this magnificent...

...it had always left him feeling not just thrilled and excited, but grateful. Grateful to be her guy. Grateful she was his girl. Even dressed as elegantly as this, Rainbow Dash’s beauty was nothing like Rarity’s. Nothing like Fluttershy’s, either. It was a thing fiercely strong and uniquely her own: it challenged you to NOT like her.

“Glorious,” he told her. “And gorgeous! Gloriously gorgeous!”

“Aw, thanks, big guy. And you look...” She looked up and down his clownish Sixth Doctor getup, and giggled. “...Colorful.”

Then she flew up to him and gave Lero’s whole upper body the tightest, happiest squeeze he’d gotten from her since the Swap. He hugged her back and they laughed against each other. Out of the corner of his eye, Lero saw Spike smile and give him a proud thumbs-up.

“I guess we’re NOT going to be feeding the animals, or anything like that, then, huh?” Spike said.

“Feed the animals?” It almost seemed as though Rainbow Dash had been waiting for someone to say these words. “Why... we COULD do that, but why not have the animals feed themselves?”

It was then that Rainbow Dash brought attention to something new hanging around her neck: a red-colored whistle worn on a necklace, like the type coaches used. By thrusting her chest forward, she was able to bounce her whistle off her front, and catch it in her teeth. She blew four sharp staccato notes: TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET!

The animals didn’t waste time. Several of the larger dogs, including the Jack Russell terrier, the pharaoh hound, and the Newfoundland raced down the cellar stairs, while the smaller animals went and collected their food bowls; either carrying them into this room in their mouths, or else shoving it over with their heads, (sometimes in pairs or more, in the case of many of the smaller, weaker critters.)

The dogs returned upstairs with kibble bags on small toy wagons or winter sleds, pulling them over with their mouths. Others, such as the cats, returned up the cellar stairs balancing cans of canned pet food perfectly on their heads. The falcon and eagle helped bring the birdcages down to ground level, to be filled with birdseed. The capuchin was invaluable help in using the can opener to open the cans.

All the animals lay their bowls down in a single long even row. With little metal scoops, the akita and the pit bulls distributed perfectly-portioned servings of pet food to each individual animal, all of whom waited patiently until each last animal had food in front of them, and Rainbow Dash said, “You may eat.” No animal wolfed down its meal, or refused to eat, and made as little noise as possible while chewing.

Rainbow Dash grinned prouder at Spike and Lero’s dumbstruck gapes.

“...how did...?” Lero stammered.

“When did you...?!” Spike tried to say.

“Oh, it’s just a little something we in the animal care biz like to call ‘obedience training,’” the pegasus boasted, planting another kiss on Lero’s cheek as she shut his hanging jaw with a hoof. “But... while we’re on the subject of animals and food... I’m feeling kind of hungry, aren’t you? Have you two had lunch yet?”

“Well we...”

“Good!” said Dash, leading to them to her table. “Please, have a seat!”

It would prove to be one of the most amazing meals Lero had ever sat down for. Not so much for the food, itself, (delicious enough, but nothing exceptional,) but because of who was acting as their waiters and waitresses.

First came the place settings. Orioles and grosbeaks flew cloth napkins upon their laps. Owls dropped forks, spoons, and knives on their tabletop.

This might very well be the most unhygienic meal I’ve eaten. Lero thought to himself, but decided not to share that sentiment as geese lay down the dishes, while the nanny goat deposited cups in front of them, and filled them awkwardly with water from a pitcher.

Lero was no Howard Hughes, but he was a man who could appreciate cleanliness. When he had first come to Equestria, he’d sometimes had moments of reluctance, even squeamishness, when accepting objects from the mouths and hooves of Earth ponies and pegasi, (especially when those hooves had just been in the mud, seconds ago.) And at this point, Lero was all too familiar with where cats and dogs liked to lick themselves most.

Then again, it was simply too fascinating to watch the cottage critters at it... especially after all they’d put him through! The dogs formed a ramp: the largest one standing right against the table side, the slightly smaller ones standing behind them, so that a couple of opossums could bring the huge salad bowl up to their table, and serve them with salad tongs. If he got sick, so be it. When else was he going to be able to say that a chinchilla had ground pepper over his tossed salad?

He felt as though he’d been plopped straight in the middle of Walt Disney’s Snow White And The Seven Dwarves. Except that all Snow White’s helpful animal friends had been whistling while they worked, whereas Rainbow Dash’s pets kept shooting fretful glances at their mistress while they obeyed her commands. As though she could, (and would!) will their heads to explode with her psychic superpowers at the slightest misstep.

In the back of his head, Lero was doing math. He remembered the day the Swap had originally forced Rainbow Dash to leave her old life to take up animal care. Five days had passed between that point in time, and the night of his welcome home party. Five days for all Fluttershy’s animals to go from relatively well-behaved creatures to pitiless, mutinous beasts. And a week had passed between the attack of the glufferflork and this moment in time. Just one week; where they were bowing and scraping before her.

But when he and Spike got to talking, Rainbow Dash was slyly, playfully elusive, deflecting every question about how she had managed this miracle, simply crediting Iron Will for giving her the motivation she needed. So instead, the conversation turned to more mundane things.

Dash and Lero joked and laughed about animal caretaker mishaps that’d happened to them in the past; a number of stories were stuff Spike was hearing for the very first time. Lero talked about Lyra and Twilight, and how the Still Way grandmaster was teaching them new meditative techniques.

The dragon and human recoiled in alarm as a flock of bats served them bowls of buttered linguini, but once they had left, Dash teased Spike about his ‘crush on Applejack,’ asking whether they’d had their first date together yet. In turn, Spike asked whether Dash was still serious about wanting to marry him, and they all laughed. Dash also talked about what a warm, friendly place Sweet Apple Acres had been to her, and how great the cider was... she might’ve drunken a bit too much on her second night there!

“And now it’s time for dessert!” Dash announced, with an extra-wide smile, after the iguanas cleared their dirty plates. Their dessert arrived slowly, allowing him to get a good long look at who was bringing it.

No matter how much time had passed, Lero would never forget the desperate state Rainbow Dash had been reduced to, on the day he’d quit working at the spa to help her. Seeing Angel Bunny now brought it all back. Because things had come full circle for the horrid white rabbit.

Angel staggered under the weight of a triple-layer carrot cake: ten inches in diameter and very poorly and sloppily baked. He had to be assisted by what Lero recognized to be several of his closest rabbit relatives. Other rabbits brought dishes and a cutting knife. The dogs growled angrily the moment they felt Angel’s feet upon their backs. It was incredible that the cake did not slide off its plate as the rabbits hopped their way up slowly, toting the great dessert, finally setting it down in the center of the table.

Icing and raw cake batter spotted Angel’s fur. Bruises and bite marks scored his body. Several were fresh, and others were huge indeed; as though he’d scrambled out from the jaws of a few of the dogs large enough to swallow him whole.

“What do you think?” Dash asked her guests. “Angel Bunny baked it himself! For a while, he kept trying to eat the ingredients, but I broke him of that habit, DIDN’T I, ANGEL???”

Dash’s smile was the very picture of gentleness. The bunny trembled before it as though dangling over a shark pool.

“Now, I think that the first slice ought to go to Spike, don’t you?” she sweetly suggested. “As repayment for the carrot cake he made you that one time. Remember that carrot cake, Angel? I do!”

Rainbow Dash motioned towards the cake knife lying on the side. With difficulty, Angel took the knife in his clumsy rabbit paws and brought it down twice onto the cake, cutting a lopsided slice, which he put on a plate and nudged it towards Spike.

“Please tell us how it tastes, Spike!” Rainbow Dash encouraged.

The little dragon took a forkful and brought it to his mouth. “It... tastes WAY better than it looks!” he said.

The bunny looked ridiculously grateful, as though he’d just received a death row pardon. He turned to see if he had pleased Rainbow Dash; her face was as unmoved as granite. She shooed the rabbits off the table, and cut the next slices for herself and Lero. He’d tasted a lot better cakes, but still couldn’t believe that Angel Bunny had made it! Before he had eaten halfway through his slice, Rainbow Dash spoke up again.

“Do you know what I find goes well with dessert like this?”

“A glass of port?” Lero guessed.

Dash laughed at that, but shook her head and said, “Music!”

Again, she bumped her whistle back up to her mouth and blew on it: TWEET! TWEEEEET-TWEEEET TWEET!

All of the cottage critters assembled in front of their table, as though posing for a group photograph, with the largest animals bunched in the back, the smaller ones further front, Angel Bunny in the center, and Jabbers perched on the flamingo’s head.

“A-one,” started Dash, “A-two! A-one-two-three-FOUR!”

Lero and Spike couldn’t believe their ears. The cottage critters suddenly became what could only be described as an animal a cappella choir. This time, when they meowed, barked, squealed, hissed, and clucked, they weren’t just filling the cottage with needy noise. They were united, unmistakably, in music. Melody, harmony, polyphony... all were there. Each animal’s voice served as an instrument in the orchestra. Jabbers the parrot was the only one capable of actually singing words. The tune of the song put Lero in mind of a military anthem:

Animals were born to obey!
Obedience is now the only way!

Animals are all meant to serve!
Subservience is all we deserve!

None of us were the least bit nice!
Now we’re all paying the high price!

When we’re told to jump, what do we do? We JUMP!
When we’re told to sleep, what do we do? We SLEEP!

And when it’s time to enter our cages,
We’ll go without flying into rages,

We’ll all behave and never be mean
And always keep this house pristine

Eat every morsel we’re served and then
Not demand to be served again

‘Cause we all know what’s in store
If this song we do ignore

We’ve brought this on ourselves!!!!

Rainbow Dash clapped her hooves, and Spike and Lero followed suit after a dazed moment. “Dismissed!” she told the critters, with another blow on her whistle.

Angel Bunny sprinted for dear life. All the other animals ran after him with the full fury of a lynch mob.

“THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!” Jabbers screeched.

Angel was forced to stop when one of the sidewinders blocked his path. Another rabbit caught up and bit down savagely on Angel’s hindquarters, nearly taking off the tail. He shook this other rabbit off, and scampered upstairs; the mass of claws and fangs in hot pursuit.

“Aren’t you going to stop them?!” Lero asked Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash set down the fork whose loop-handle was looped around her wrist. “Oh, alright.” Filling her lungs, she bellowed, “QUIET! BEDTIME FOR ALL OF YOU! MAMA HAS GUESTS OVER!”

The cottage fell silent.

“I came up with the lyrics to that all by myself,” Dash boasted. “Did you like it?”

The song itself had been reasonably catchy, and he’d appreciated the irony of Dash’s utter dominance over the beasts when she was so completely at their mercy before, but the situation as a whole was almost getting the smallest bit disturbing. Orwellian, even.

“Rainbow... how in Equestria were you even able to train them THAT WELL?!” Spike wondered.

Lero shot a look at the little dragon. “Wait, Spike... how come you don’t know? You’ve been helping Rainbow out in my place while I was helping Twilight, haven’t you?”

The young dragon suddenly looked away.

“...Haven’t you?”

He felt a hoof upon his hand. “Lero, I don’t want you to be angry with Spike. You’re free to put all the blame on me if Spike’s been... a little less than completely honest with you, this past week.”

“What’s going on?” Lero asked.

Dash gave the fidgety young dragon a reassuring look. “Alright, confession time. The truth is... Spike HASN’T been helping me with my animals...”

“You WHAT?!” Lero rounded on Spike.

“...BECAUSE I specifically asked him NOT to!” Rainbow finished. “Simmer down, Lero, old buddy, I already told you he’s not at fault!”

“But if he wasn’t helping you out, then what WAS he doing?” Lero’s eyes were still fixed on Spike; who hid himself behind the dish Angel had put his cake on.

“Reading comics, mostly,” said Rainbow Dash. “Big old graphic novels! He told me which ones he wanted, and I bought them for him! Would’ve bought every comic in the comic book store, if he’d have asked me!” She chuckled. “I appreciated what he did for me as much as you, and wanted to show it in some way. And I still have plenty of bits left over, even after paying to rebuild my house and replace all my furniture, thank Celestia!”

“She didn’t want my help,” Spike told Lero, not proudly. “She told me that as long as I stayed out of her cottage, as long as I went away to where I’d be safe and comfy, and no pony would see me reading, and as long as I pretended I’d helped her out with you, Lero... I could read all the comics I wanted.”

“I even bought him gems to snack on!” Rainbow Dash added.

“Why?” Lero asked, stunned.

She gave the human an affectionate noogie. “Because I know how you’re always worried sick about me, you sweet, caring, wonderful softie! If anyone deserves a little peace of mind, it’s you, big guy! I didn’t mean anything bad with all this secrecy... I just wanted to surprise you with a show!”

“Well, I am surprised,” Lero told her.

“And it certainly was a pretty fun show!” Spike added.

Rainbow Dash bowed. “Thank you, thank you!” she said. “So then! You’re fed, we had a few laughs, good conversation, a wonderful, fun time together, and I treated you to a first-rate animal sideshow! So for my big grand finale, there’s something I’ve been dying to tell you that I know you’re going to want to hear!”

“What’s that?” asked Lero, not all that sure he wanted to hear it.

She flew up from her chair, puffing herself out as far as her chest would allow.

“You won’t need to lose sleep over me ever again, Lero Michaelides! From this day forward, No animal is my master, None will dare bite me, and I won’t lose a wink of sleep! I’m standing on my own four hooves, and I’m not the damsel in distress! I’m in control of my own life!”

She settled back down, still smiling brightly at him. “In short: I don’t need you anymore!”

“You... don’t need me… anymore?” He echoed, a strange expression crossing his face.

Her wings beat vivaciously, proudly, so caught up in the moment that she failed to notice his expression. The bottom hem of her dress only just touched the floor. “Yep! I’m loud and proud, and I’m my own solo mare again!”

Lero felt strange. Feelings that were familiar but mixing together in alien ways seized him, rendering him unable to form words, or even articulate to himself how this made him feel.

“Oops! Almost forgot!” Rainbow dashed out of the room, returning with a small coin pouch full of money. “This is all the money you spent on me when you bought me groceries!” Smile wide, eyes shut, she dropped the pouch on the table before him. “So now all debts are paid in full!”

Emptiness? Stupefaction? Were those the right words?

Well, they were part of the equation, but not the whole of it.

A distant, analytical part of him put it together. Pride and heartbreak. Interesting combination. He’d done it. No, Dash had done it. With help, yes, but ultimately this final victory had come from Dash and her determination.

And now she didn’t need him.

He felt a frog in his throat when he told her; “I’m so proud of you, Rainbow Dash.”

The pegasus heard that peculiar hoarseness in his voice, and opened an eye, watching Lero take the money pouch she’d given him and pass it right over to Spike.

“I knew it would come back one day,” he said, smiling honestly through quavering lips. “I just knew it would!”

“What... would come back?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Your awesomeness.” Seeing that soft, proud smile of his made the pegasus' own smile falter. “Didn’t I tell you, Dash? Didn’t I say that a day would come where you’ll fully remember how much awesomeness you have? And it came! You brought your awesomeness back from inside you! And it’s just so magnificent to see!”

He spread an arm towards her. “I love seeing you like this, Dash. I love seeing you strong! I love seeing you confident! I love seeing you overcome all adversity like this! There’s just so much about you that’s worth loving and admiring!”

It wasn’t like Lero was speaking sarcastically or ironically. Not in the slightest. All the same, the more praise he heaped on her... the less lovable and admirable and awesome Rainbow Dash felt.

“I know it couldn’t have been easy accepting help from someone like me... but I’m thankful that you were willing to let me be there for you. I’ll tell you something, Dash, in spite of everything, as hard as everything’s been... every second I spent with you was a second well-spent. Seeing you like this, so invincible and unstoppable... that’s the best farewell present you could have given me. So I guess you’re right: all debts HAVE been paid in full.”

To Rainbow Dash, the way he said 'farewell' almost felt like Lero was going to hop into one of those dimensional rift things from Lyra’s story, and return back to the world of humans, never to be seen in Equestria again. Because of her.

“H... hey! Don’t get me wrong! When I said that ‘I don’t need you anymore,’ I didn’t mean it like you think I meant it!”

“Really?” said Lero.

“Yeah!” Dash told him. “What I meant to say that was that you being here would just be useless!”

Spike was looking at her like she was a house burning to the ground. His own house. That he, himself, had accidentally set on fire. Which was nothing compared to the look Lero was giving her!

“N... no!” she babbled. “I meant to say that you being with me is pointless! Uh... sorry, I meant you wouldn’t do me any good... erm... you’d be unnecessary... ergh... a fifth wheel...” She stumbled through her explanations, trying to find the right words, but each one she came up with was worse than the last.

The human bent his head, covering his eyes with his hand. Despite his attempt to hide it, Rainbow Dash witnessed the tear fall through the gap in his fingers and soak into his beard. Her unhappy heart exploded into shrapnel.

“I’M SORRY!!!” she wailed, throwing her arms around her poor friend. “I swear, Lero, I swear on everything, I don’t mean it like that! The words are coming out all wrong! I’m so, so, so sorry!” She wept into his shoulder. “I sound like one of those evil storybook queens... the ones who go, ‘I no longer have use for you!‘ You’re the LAST person who deserves to feel unwanted or unwelcome or worthless! You’re one of the most INCREDIBLE friends I’ve ever had! NOBODY’S been willing to stick through and help me through a tough time for this long like you have! NOBODY! You’ve fought for me! You’ve cried for me! You’ve been there for me, almost every day! You saved me!”

She raised her head off Lero’s shoulder. “Dude, you’re welcome to come over my house again any time you want! I don’t EVER want you thinking you're not my friend!”

Tenderly, he brushed at the tears on her cheek with his hand. “To be friends with Rainbow Dash... what more could any guy ask for?”

She opened her mouth to reply, but instead, her nostrils flared, sniffing the air. A hard look entered her eyes. “I don’t believe it!” she growled, pushing off Lero. “I do NOT believe it!”

“Huh?” asked Lero. “Rainbow...!”

“And I’m pretty sure I know which one of them did it, too! Wait here, Lero. Just wait right here!”

And she left the room, flying upstairs, leaving Spike and Lero dumbfounded downstairs.

“THE FLOOR IS NOT FOR WIDDLING, MISTER!” They heard her thunder. “I thought I’d made that plain for you, but I guess you need a fresh reminder!”

She was answered by barking.

“NO!” She snarled. “Don’t you DARE try to buddy up with me! YOU WERE NEVER MY FRIEND. I see that now! You think I’ve forgotten everything you did to me? You, specifically, you hateful little sadist?! I remember what each individual one of you did to me!”

Then they heard canine whimpering.

“Now you SMELL what you did! Smell it! Take a good, LONG whiff of what you’ve done!”

“Spike? We’re leaving,” said Lero, heading for the door.

“But... why?” asked Spike, “Rainbow Dash told us to wait!”

“Because if I have to spend one more second in this nightmare of George Orwell's while the girl I love tells me how amazing a friend I am, I just might take a knife to my own throat!” He hissed. “Now come on!”

Spike came.

* * *

Lero eyed Spike as he came out of the bushes in normal clothes, the Sixth Doctor outfit packed away in his bag. For the past several minutes, Spike had seemed at the verge of saying something, but had not yet uttered a word. He twiddled his index fingers around each other in the manner Lero recognized as indicating he was confused or nervous. His eye darted back and forth, as if searching for something.

“I… what… Did we do something wrong?” He finally asked.

“What?” Lero responded.

“With… With Dash. Why isn’t she coming home with us? I mean… everything’s fixed with her, no more mean animals, she likes you a lot… why is she staying there? And not with us?”

“Because… she doesn’t love me. Or any of us, anymore. Not Twilight. Not Lyra. And she doesn't love you either, Spike." There came a strangled noise from the dragon's throat. "We’re friends, now, not family.”

Spike looked devastated. “I… Is this my fault? Should I have done more? Would that have fixed this?”

Lero drew out a breath. “Remember, Spike, she’s part Fluttershy, now, and Fluttershy just doesn’t think about us in that way.”

Spike the dragon was a smart, articulate little guy. Between all his wisecracks and the fact that you could leave him at home to clean your house, and he’d actually do it... it was often easy to forget he was still a BABY dragon... all in spite of the fact that it now had to be over ten years since Twilight had hatched him as a filly. But right now, Spike was treating Lero to a sharp reminder of his infancy.

“But… But… I WANT RAINBOW DASH BACK!” he bawled, with much sniffling and many fat tears. So loudly was the little guy wailing, Lero wouldn’t have been surprised if Rainbow Dash and all her animals could hear him all the way back at their cottage. “I WANT HER BACK HOME AGAIN!”

“I know,” said Lero.

“IT’S ALL MY FAULT!” Spike continued to bawl. “Maybe... maybe if I’d helped you help her all those times... if only I’d stayed with her, and not read all those comics...!”

“Maybe,” agreed Lero, neutrally. "Who knows?"

“We gotta go back!” the dragon yelled, tugging at his pants. “We gotta go back and try again with her!”

“No,” said Lero.

“No?!” Incredulously, Spike looked closer at the human’s face. “You’re not even sad!”

“I choose not to be,” Lero told him.

“‘Choose not to be?!’ What’s THAT supposed to mean?”

Lero stopped and turned back in the direction of the cottage, which was no longer even in sight.

“The thing is, Spike... I’ve been thinking things over. I’m pretty sure that with Fluttershy’s mark on her, Rainbow Dash was never even capable of loving us the way she used to love us. She just doesn’t have the right heart anymore. Simple as that.”

“But... but... but...”

“At this point, I’ve done everything in my human power to win Rainbow Dash back, short of outright tying her down and forcing her to love me. Which is not real love at all.” He patted Spike’s spines. “And yet... look at how she is now! We’ve done so much. We were there for her. She’s independent and in control of herself. Her animals aren’t a threat to her anymore; she’s overcome them all.”

“She’s gotten equilibrium?” Spike asked.

Lero stopped short for a second. “...Yeah!” he said at last. “Yeah! I’d definitely say she has! Equilibrium for the girl who needed it most! Three down, two to go! More of them fixed than not fixed! Only Applejack and Fluttershy left!”

He smiled.

“And above everything else... even if she can no longer appreciate us as family... we’ve still built up a much stronger friendship, haven’t we? We can come back and visit her later, as the best of friends! Isn’t that great, Spike?”

“No!” sobbed Spike. “I want Rainbow Dash back! I want my big sister back! I hate the Swap! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT ROTTEN, ROTTEN SWAP!”

He bent down and hugged the little guy. “Heh. Welcome to me, a couple weeks back. But don’t lose hope. Twilight could still find the Cure, someday, and then we’ll be able to welcome the old Rainbow Dash back into our herd with open arms! But until then... it’s all we can do to take pride in what we’ve done, and respect Dash’s wishes to be left alone and love her from afar. Even if she cannot love us back.”

For his counterargument, Spike just continued to sob. Lero picked him up, cradling him to his chest like the infant he was. Letting him cry his eyes dry, knowing he needed to let this out as much as he had when he’d finally broken down to Rarity. Until Spike finally demanded to get back on his feet, Lero just carried him home that way.

Thank you for everything, Rainbow Dash. He thought. If this is the life that makes you happy... then I can take comfort and be happy for you too.

* * *

A wide- and watery-eyed Rainbow Dash stepped outside her cottage, gazing around the empty yard.

“Lero?” she called out. Her voice was a forlorn, tiny thing. The entirety of her body language spoke of sorrow and the most aching loneliness and longing imaginable. “Please, I… I didn’t want you to go… don't leave me...”

If only Lero Michealides could’ve somehow seen Rainbow Dash at that moment in time, he would’ve run back to her cottage, they’d have flung their arms around each other, and perhaps Rainbow Dash and Lero could've had the victory they both yearned for.

If only. Some of the saddest words ever uttered. If only they’d not decided to leave. If only they’d waited.

If only. But life, chance, and destiny are rarely so kind.

Author's Note

Say, does anyone know how I would go about getting Divided Rainbow up on Fimfiction.net's front page? How does that work and what are the prerequisites?

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