Amber Grass Hills

I reach the homely smells, even the rich stank of manure warms my nostrils. I step lively along the gravelled path till I meet nose to nose with AJ. She’s all in black, makeup smeared on her face. It signals something strange to see my usually nude faced sis all dolled up with nowhere to go. I know what I have missed, but other things needed my attention. I nuzzle her in a brotherly like way, jus’ to show I care about her. She reciprocates my affection and we both walk into the house. AJ must’ve had to break the news to lil Bloom. She looks heartbroken.

“Hey there Lil…” I begin, closin’ the door quiet behind me.

“Quit Panderin’ me” she returns the sentiment without so much a ribbon or cheery hello.

“Am sorry, we wanted to tell you, we did” I try to get through to her.

“Give ‘er some time Mac, she needs it” AJ butts in as she often does.

“Ya’ll kept it from me, ya’ll made me look a fool” she turns from us, she’s ashamed of us.

“We cannot be sorrier for that lil…” I start, my words cut short by my younger sibling.

“Stop callin’ me that! No wonder my blank remains bare! Stop talking to me like a foal” she bites at nothing, grinding that nothing between her teeth.

“AppleBloom, we’re both very sorry”

“Ah told you big brother, she needs some…”

“Time? Like all the time you’ve had? You should’ve jus’ told me” she tears at the eye.

“We didn’t know how you’d take it” AJ explains, going to comfort her baby sister.

“It was fur the best” I add, feeling like a third wheel, something not too different to what I’m accustomed to.

“Ah don’t need your sympathy, it won’t bring her back” she retreats closer towards the stairs.

“We miss her too”

“You’ve had longer to come to terms. I was left in the dark” her back leg presses against the first step.

“We’re…”

“Just leave me alone. I do need time, you’re right” she plonks herself on the first step before she gallops up to her bedroom and slams the door shut. I turn to my mascara faced sister and we share a solemn look.

“What was it like?” I break the silence.

“It was… Just fine” she sighs, cradling the door frame like a new-born foal.

“Oh… Did many ponies attend?” I continue to badger her.

“It was pretty short notice for most ponies” she turns back to face me, her hooves still clasped on the door frame.

“Well you can never plan thes…”

“I know you can’t plan. Life’s unpredictable, you don’t know when you are gonna go”

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t be, I’m just dispacin’ things at you”

“It’s okay, use me as a punchin’ bag. Buck me straight up in the face. Just don’t lose it in front of her”

“She wants reality right? Well here’s a big slap in the face of reality”

“Ease her in, okay”

“You always know what to say”

“Jus’ sit yourself down, I’ll get us something to eat”

I kiss her on the nose and lead her to the sittin’ room before setting myself up in the kitchen. I think on what I should prepare. Maybe a nice simple salad or a full roast spread of root vegetables. I decide on the first, I’m beat from todays’ proceedings as well. I gather up what leaves an’ herbs we have left in the pantry and arrange them in a large porcelain bowl. I cut a few tomatoes and chop up some onions finely and add them as well. Next I cube a clove of garlic and grate some ginger root and add them both to the concoction. I try to stop the addition of too much salt as I start to ball into the mixture. I take my head away and weep into the sink.

I carry the finished salad to where AJ is sittin’ on the couch. I pop it down in front of her and stand in the doorway. I just watch her, making sure she doesn’t choke or it, on purpose or by accident. I spend the rest of the day with AJ, we talk about the times we used spend all together as a family. We laugh at the high points and look back at the low points as example that we’ve been through hardships before. Neither of us leave the house, there’s no need to. The hours tick away on the old grandfather clock, the sun makes its rounds and soon the moon takes up its spot in the sky. Jus’ before I go off to bed, through some delusion or other malefactor, AJ breaks out in a slow song.

\/ \/ \/ \/

All through times of hard and times of smooth

We will always know you are there

Somewhere up above us

Looking down to this plane

Watching each day

As they whittle away

I know we must be strong

I don’t mean to fuss

But the thought of being alone

It feels so wrong

But struggle we must

No weaknesses will we shown

A house without a family is not a home

She curls up, crying on the corner of the couch. I tuck up alongside her and hold her warmly. I don’t want her to feel so remote no more.

“But what would they say AJ. If they saw us, they’d be proud”

“Proud of what exactly?”

\/ \/ \/ \/

Down there, far below

Beneath the streetlights, how they glow

They will never ever know

How proud we are

/\ /\

• I sing

I get up from the couch and lift AJ’s sobbing head with a hoof.

\/ \/ \/ \/

We’d help if we could

But we are far from you now

We’re sorry we didn’t say goodbye

And if you feel mortified, know that I bid you farewell

/\ /\

• I sing again.

AJ climbs from her wallow and brightens up a touch.

“You see sis. They’re watching over us”

“Really?” she looks up, an expression of loss on her face.

“How could I lie to you?”

We don’t speak for the rest of the evening. AJ goes off to her room and leaves me downstairs. I walk to the great Victorian window and finish the words of the song.

\/ \/ \/ \/

For eventually, Celestia forbid

You’ll join us all here

In the kingdom in a cloud

High up above the stratosphere

An’ we hope you live your dreams

An’ we hope you go about them well

Dear Gods, Royal sisters! I beseech to thee!

Oh I’m sorry, awful sorry that I did not say farewell

I send myself up to bed. I don’t need to read, I can’t even shut my eyes. I roll about on my sheets like I did as a colt. I dread to see another day, but there was no fighting it. I’d like to think that song had some meaning. It’s what Granny taught us when our parents died. I fall asleep.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The sun has not yet broken through the clouds, it has not yet reached them amber grass hills.

Burning, burning! Something is burning again. I head straight for the stairs and see a billowing of smoke. AJ is tryin’ to tame the blaze with a wet towel, it was working, it was just too little too late. I pull her away and cradle her once more, I usher for lil’ Bloom to come back inside. She is despondent, closed like a flower during the col’ winter months. I walk with AJ to the iron tub which belches smoke and peer into its recesses.

There were photos, an’ keepsakes and memories wrapped in a licking of flame, inside a tattered burlap sack. I kick the tub over and stomp the embers out before a whining comes from lil Bloom.

“I wanted it all to go away. Memories are poison!” She throws up a tantrum.

“Now that is not true! Memories are all we have”

“That’s every last one of them, every image of her” she giggles dementedly.

“How’d you even make the fire?”

“I aint stupid! You two think I’m dumber than a sack of pigs but I got more sense than the both of yous!”

“We believe you AppleBloom, come back to the house now” I ask, whimpering slightly as I do.

“I don’t wanna be alone” she weeps “I wan’ them awl back”

“We know you do. But this’s jus’ the way things are now”

“I miss em”

“I’m sure they miss us to” I comfort.

“Come on back to the house now AppleBloom” AJ coaxes, leaving a helping hoof out. She hopes the little mare will see reason.

“Yeah” she whispers, leaving the smouldering pile of memories nothing more than a puddle of slag.

No matter the strife we still made doubly sure she was ready for school and sent her off on her way. If she’s given too much time off she’ll never go back. AJ gives me a concernin’ look and takes me into the sittin’ room.

“We have to be like parents now, you know that?” she says to me as Bloom heads out of earshot.

“I don’t know if I’m ready” I admit, pawing my face with a hoof.

“We have to be. She needs something”

“Huh… Right as always” I say, looking peacefully at her.

“you never explained to her what happened” I add before AJ can speak.

“What’s to tell?” she asks, shying into the non-existent shadows.

“Everything”

“We were at market… and well she died. Simple as” she unravels as she regales me, the memory must be painful.

“Did she have any last words?” I ask, fighting back a waterfall of tears.

“Yeah, it was something along the lines of ‘don’t be eyeing my apples ‘less you gonna buy somint’”

“Seems about right” I laugh, some levity floating in the sea of despair.

“What would you have said?”

“What?”

“If you could’ve said something at the funeral…”

“If I were at the funeral”

“What would you have said?”

“My Grandmammy did such an amazing job at raising her two granddaughters, an’ I kinda raised myself. I always loved her, I will always love her, and I miss her every day” I recite, it sounds rehearsed but I literally just made it up.

“Thanks”

“What for this time?”

“Jus’ for being there for me” she slurs her words a little as she plants her lips on to mine.

Later on the sun sets under those amber grass hills.

My bed remains empty.

Things have to carry on.

I kiss AJ on the lips, a parting gift but she heaves me back on to her.

There is no light over the acres.

This act will blacken my soul for ever.

Those who are dead watch from above.

Are you proud of us now?