The alarm screeches loudly, I groan as the noise of it resounds around the room. It's way too early surely, No the alarm is right it's time for school.
I don't wanna wake up I just want to lie here forever in the nice safe warmth of my bed, why do I have to get up? I do so anyway, I get to my hooves and head to the bathroom.
Hello mirror, my old enemy. No matter what I do you never seem to show the filly Caramel, instead I see a scared colt staring back. He has my face, My stupid, ugly, oversized hooves. He could be my twin. But he isn't me.
I just wanna smash that stupid mirror to pieces, to destroy that colt who comandeers my life, who makes the real me ever coming out impossible.
I get ready for school, the entire time the mirror Caramel staring back at me.
I try to make my appearance as decent as I possibly can, to look pretty. But no matter what I do I still look like a stupid colt. Oh well I need to go now. I can't be late again.
Outside Mac is waiting for me. My heart skips a beat, but of course I can never tell him that, so I slip on the mask and the colt Caramel rushes over to greet his old buddy. While the real me hides away. He can never know.
“Hey Sissy.” comes the oh too familiar voice from behind me, “Why so quiet? Your coltfriend not here to protect you?” The words hit home deep in my heart with the accuracy of thrown darts. Just keep walking, maybe they'll go away.
Oh BUCK . While I was trying not to focus on Bright Light yelling insults at me from behind his buddies had gotten in front of me and blocked my path. 3 against one? The results are inevitable. I close my eyes and brace for the inevitable.
A few hours later Mac finds me, stuffed in a locker. He looks about set to murder somepony for this.
It takes ages to convince him I'm ok.
A total lie, but I don't want him getting in fights to protect me. I hate seeing him hurt, so I smile.
Sweet Celestias flank , even smiling hurts, and pretend I'm unhurt apart from my pride. We part ways shortly after,
Mac has to go collect Applejack and walk her back to Sweet Apple Acres. And I need to get home.
I unlock the door, the house is empty as usual.
I decide to treat myself. I go to the corner of the room, I count the floorboards, 1, 2, 3, 4, fifth board from the corner.
I lift it and reach into the hiding place. Inside I fumble around until my hooves grab the box. Inside is a red bow, and a few items of makeup, and socks.
I look around cautiously, then get dressed. I trot off to the bathroom, it feels good to look in the mirror and see her staring back.
Suddenly I hear a noise off to my side, there in the doorway is dad. Damn I'm bucked.
I look at his face, and my world falls apart. The expression he wears is one I hoped to never see on his face as long as I lived.
A sneer of disgust. “ So the pathetic blank flank FREAK can't even decide if it's a mare or a colt” he spits out at me.
“you're no foal of mine, and I want you outta here tonight, pack your junk and GO, anything left here gets burned.”
Those words bore into my brain like a drill But the sheer shock of what I hear leaves me completely numb.
I throw the few things I really care about in a bag, then oh so carefully place the box in there too.
I grab the pills from the medicine cabinet too. All of them.
Stupid of me I know, but right now I feel like I may need them. When this hits me I know it's gonna hit harder than the Canterlot Express.
Then, every posession I have in the world in a single saddlebag I step outta the door.
I wander around, feel kinda funny. He musta hit harder than I thought.
He hit me? How many times? Guess that really doesn't matter Anymore, it seems like nothing does right now.
Only putting one hoof in front of the other matters right now.
I just need to escape, as far from that place. As far from him , and those words as I can get. I pick up speed like I can somehow outrun the hurt.
Like I can escape it. Everypony keeps staring at me, why are they looking at me like that? Oh yeah I'm still dressed, And I'm bleeding.
I should go home and get cleaned up. Home, where is home now? I guess I'll just wander for now. I wish everypony would just go away, wish they'd stop staring.
I have a few bits left, and I'm so hungry. Don't know how I can even think of eating right now. But my stomach is screaming at me. Guess I need to eat now. Sugarcube corner is around here.
The doors swing open and I enter, mister and mrs Cake look over, their expressions change from their usual welcoming smile, to confusion, then finally concern.
Mrs Cake rushes over to me just in time,
Guess I was hungrier than I thought, I just fell over.
I try to get to my hooves, but my legs don't seem to be doing what I want them to. The room seems blurry.
Am I crying?
Suddenly it's like I'm numb, somepony else is feeling all the hurt. I just go all cold inside and listen to the sobs. A crowd is gathering around.
I need to stop making a scene. But it seems no matter how much I try to tell myself that my stupid body won't listen anymore. The tears keep flowing until finally I pass out.
It's been a few months since that night now, dad still won't let me come home.
I guess right now the word is homeless.
I wish I was older, then maybe I could find a job. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of ponies worse off than me.
I may not live with them right now but Mr and Mrs Cake don't let me go hungry.
But it'd be nice to be able to repay them.
My dads words keep coming back to haunt me. He was right, I am a freak, and every single day those pills seem more tempting.
The nights are getting colder now, I can't survive on the streets all winter. I just can't. I guess the old barn is the only place for now. The straw may be old and damp, but better than out there in the cold.
I'm just about drifting off when I hear the door to the barn creak open. I barely feel the blanket falling over me as I fall asleep. I wake up strangley feeling warm.
Somepony has lit a fire in the old forge.
In front of me is a plate of food. I barely even notice what it is as I gulp the food down,
my stomach practically cramping up from the shock of food all of a sudden.
I look to the door as it swings shut, my unknown benefactor doesn't stick around long enough to be seen. Whoever they are I silently thank them. The food tastes sweeter than I could ever imagine.
After a few days some bits and pieces start showing up when I sleep.
Some timber, a few nails. Nothing big but enough that I can make repairs.
The old leaky roof gets patched up. I start to repair the old rotted window frames.
Whoever it is helping me sneaks in as I'm asleep, and out before I can wake up . Tonight I will find out who my mysterious donor is.
I will do whatever I can to repay their kindness.
I close my eyes, and pretend to be asleep. It feels like hours bfore I hear hoofsteps, the door creaks open, and in sneaks MAC.
I stay silent and wait, sure enough he lays out some spare timber. Then sneaks out.
I suppose it makes sense. He is my oldest buddy after all.
Mystery solved I begin to fall asleep, just as I'm drifting off the door creaks again.
It's Applejack, She puts down a tin of fresh paint and a brush then runs out. That was, unexpected, I guess I can sleep for real now.
Just as I'm drifting off though, in walks Granny Smith. She quietly places a plateload of applefritters and a mug of cider on the table.
Then with suprising speed for one so old leaves the barn, finally leaving me alone with my thoughts.
The next day I start work in earnest, I do odd jobs around town to scrape together a few bits. I carefully examine the old forge, and though it takes me all day I figure out how it works and how to fix it.
Then I go out and track down Mac. I tell him I've been living in the old barn and offer to help out around the place as a form of rent. Suddenly he turns and gallops off.
Now I don't know if you've ever seen big mac run, but he is bucking fast.
Why did I have to tell him? I hope I haven't ruined everything.
I slowly stagger back to the barn in a daze. Stupid, stupid, STUPID , why couldn't I have kept my bucking mouth shut?
I grab my bag, and begin to pack.
“Where do you think you're going? “ says a voice behind me, I spin round and see Applejack, leaning noncholantly against a wall.
“I'm sorry, I should have asked before moving in.” I say tears in my eyes.
“It was just so cold out there , and I was just so hungry, give me a few minutes and I'll be out of your mane.”
Then Applejack looks up at me brushing a stray lock of mane away from her face.
“No can do sugarcube” she said, “you aint getting outta our deal that easily.”
My brain freezes at that moment, I look around me, Mac, Applejack, Granny Smith are all stood there expectantly, finally it sinks in. “You start tomorrow at 7am sharp youngin.” Granny Smith says to me “I want you up by the time the roosters crow.” She gazes at me and I swear I see a hint of a smile in her eyes. “You help us out with the apple harvest, and get this place back in order and we'll call that even we'll even throw in 3 square meals a day, so Caramel, do we have a deal?”
With an offer like that how can I say no, My eyes fog up with tears as I look at them all.
I reach out and shake granny smiths hoof with my own, “DEAL.” I reply , knowing deep down inside these kind folks were better family than my own had ever been, and I had just made the best deal of my life.
Life can be tough sometimes,
I still refuse to keep a mirror in the barn, and I try so hard to be one of the other colts. I work as hard as Big Mac (he just had a growth spurt over the summer, and now you couldn't imagine calling him anything else, he does the heavy work on the farm, and barely makes a sound.
I try my best to match him, sometimes even came darn close.
The old barn had gradually been turned into a home.
I started learning a little about how to work the forge too.
The other day I noticed young Applejacks shoes were starting to come away, The harvest last year was pretty lean. So bits are getting a little tight. I know how to help, pulling out a quill I start to do the maths, then gather up 3 old sets of shoes left there probably from the days granny smith was a filly.
Looking round I gather deadfall, and one other thing I've considered in the past.
Not sure how well it'll work but it can't hurt to try.
I start to heat the forge, waiting till late at night when everypony is asleep so as not to spoil the suprise. The bellows are soon pumping like crazy.
The heat practically enough to cook the hair off my hide, but it isn't enough,
I don't stop until the entire barn seems to glow from the heat of the forge.
Then I drop the old shoes into the flames. When they are starting to melt I add one final thing to the mix, a single fallen branch from a zap apple tree.
As soon as the fire begins to lick at it the branch seems to burst into an explosion of magic and light. Silently I thank the zap apple trees for their gift.
This would be the perfect thank you present.
With every hammerfall I think on the apple clan. I think on the look on Applejacks face when she sees the thank you present I made for her.
I keep the base of the shoe good and thick, adding to each one an image, an appletree. The family all together, the place they called home, and on the sole of the final one a beautiful pattern of twining limbs.
I kept the top of each shoe simple, after all I knew although AppleJack loved beautiful things, the thought of something visibly fancy horrified her. So I hid the designs where only she would ever see them.
Course by now it's practically time for work. I dash in looking like a madpony, everypony staring at me. I can understand why, Dropping the shoes in front of Applejack excitedly I begin to explain .
“ I found some old shoes in the barn, I hope nopony minds but I melted them down to make these to replace your old ones. The Bases are extra thick to help with applebucking, and they were forged with zap apple wood so they'll be stronger and lighter than usual. I know the design may seem fancy but please give them a try. “ I say all at once, finally remembering to breathe.
“uhhhhhhh Caramel,” said Big Mac “you've got a little something on your flank there.” Amazed to hear so many words from the normally silent Big Mac I gaze back, and there on my flank is a cutie mark of 3 horse shoes bathed in magic. “congratulations Sugarcube”, said Applejack. “And I reckon a mite fancy or not I love the new shoes.”
So the days go on, but my body still feels wrong.
I still feel like a stranger in my own life. I try to push it down deep and over time I just get more and more miserable.
The only think to brighten my mood of late was the arrival of little AppleBloom. I give her my mothers old bow, the one I used to wear all the time.
I know it isn't much, but it's pretty much all I have left of mare caramel.
Then I disappear, I lose myself in work. When not working I drink myself stupid to numb the pain.
But I always work hard, so nopony can even complain.
Luna knows Big Mac tried.
This goes on for years, I'm not living anymore, merely existing. I don't talk to anypony. Just barely keep on moving.
The days all blur together, until eventually I slip up.
I mess up the plantings for winter wrap off. Boy is he ticked off, and I don't blame him, it's time I grew the buck up and accepted myself as a stallion. Even if this body is my definition of hell. A few short days after that I sign up to Celestias guard.
The days pass by quickly from here, every morning waking to the sergeant screaming at me.
I quickly make a name for myself as the guard willing to take on risky tasks without a care.
No matter what the situation I hurled myself into it, after all I was a worthless freak. Nopony would mourn if I was gone, by Tartarous a few would even celebrate. Missions to the everfree,
quests to retrieve artifacts. No problem.
The more dangerous the mission the happier I become.
Inside me the mare Caramel is screaming to be let out, to be left in peace.
Then suddenly one day I get a summons from Princess Celestia herself.
She knows why I'm unhappy, princess Luna figured it out from my dreams.
She talks me through my problems. Gradually I break down and tell her everything, Filly Caramel, how dad reacted.
Living rough, and the kindness of the Apple Clan, though of that fact she already seems quite knowledgeable.
As I share I feel the weight shifting, and even start to cry, why the buck am I doing that?
Crying in front of a goddess, but looking up at her she seems to be gazing back sympathetically.
Finally she looks me square in the eyes, “You are a strong young mare to bear such a burden.”
“With all due respect your highness, I was born a colt, and will die one, nothing I do will ever change that.”
looking almost amused Celestia replies “Oh my little pony, if what we were born as defined who we would be for eternity Equestria would be an unbearable place.
Who we are born plays a part in our destinies of course, but we can't let it define who we truly are. “
With those words still ringing in my ears and an honourable discharge at the rank of Sergeant I found myself on the train back to Ponyville, and the only real family I knew.
I make it back to sweet apple acres, barely even make it through the gate before I'm knocked flat by an overzealous greeting combo from AppleBloom and Winona.
I smile to myself when I see she's still wearing the bow.
By the time I get to my hooves the others have come over to see what all the fuss is about. They look shocked to see me, but happy.
No damage to my armour, which is good. So we head inside, and I decide it's time to tell them everything.
When I get through telling them Applejack shakes her head confused.
“Well sugarcube,” she said “I can't rightly say I understand what you're going through.
But I can tell it's important to you. That's plenty for me. If the Princess reckons she can help you with this then I say go for it.”
She barely has time to finish before I pounce her with a huge hug as thanks for understanding.
“Does that mean I get another big sister?” asked Applebloom, looking around the room expectantly. “I reckon it does, if you'll have me that is.” I reply before Applebloom pounces into the hug.
I look over in time to see Big Mac silently slip out of the door.
My heart sinks in my chest, if there was one pony in this world I wanted to accept me above all others it was him.
Naturally Granny Smith seemed as welcoming as ever. “Leave him be for a spell, Big mac always was a mite stubborn. But I always felt something different about you. Never could quite put my hoof on it though.”
Now that was over with there was only one more relative to visit..
Even Cloudsdale weather ponies rarely bothered clearing the sky round Ponyville cemetry. Even if they did try so much sadness in one place tended to attract the clouds right back.
I hadn't set hoof here when it had happened, maybe I shouldn't have let it end on such bad terms.
But there was no fixing that now.
As harsh as it was gonna sound there are some things I should have said while they were alive.
But even dead they still needed saying.
So I walked up to my fathers grave. “I'm sorry.” I said “I'm sorry I was never good enough to be your Foal. I'm sorry that I wasted half my like trying to please you, all this time trying to be somepony I wasn't. All these years, and for that I hate you. I hate you with everything I am. But you're still my dad, I still love you even while everything I am tells me to despise you for all the pain, all the shame, all the loneliness.
You are still my dad, but you were never my father. So now dad I do things my way. I'm through letting you control me.”
With that I walk away, but I leave part of Colt Caramel up there by that grave.
I didn't need it anymore.
At the cemetery gates stood a familiar figure,
Big Mac, he was holding something. “Reckon every mare should have at least 1 proper hat.” he said. Handing over a sturdy looking old top hat,
I knew it would fit me perfectly. I offered a hoof to shake, but instead he grabbed me in a bone crushingly strong hug, “Good luck little sis” he said, at that moment I just know everything is gonna work out okay.
The train journey back is freaking terrifying,
I know I look nothing like Mare Caramel should. But I am dressed as her.
Without my armour I just feel naked. Is that colt looking at me? Why does he keep staring all the time? Does he know? Oh buck he's coming over.
“Ticket please SIR.” The last word freezes me to the bone.
The way it is said seems to ooze contempt.
I hand over my ticket, the inspector continues to glower at me for awhile, but after that apart from a few whispers in the background the trip passes rather uneventfully.
I get to the castle and find that, as crazy as it sounds I was expected.
The guards let me through into the waiting area, and within 5 minutes I am in the waiting room to see the princesses.
The doors open and I nervously enter the royal court, surprised to find both princesses there.
Celestia greets me “Welcome back sergeant Caramel. I have a solution to your unique dilemma. I only ask are you positive you wish to do this.”
“Asking if I am sure your highnesses both is like asking if PinkiePie likes to party,
I can't go on like this any more. I've lived my entire life so far just because my death would hurt others.
Now I need to get my life.”
With that Princess Celestia levitated a bottle of a strange potion over to me.
“This bottle contains one does of the true soul potion, be extremely careful with it.
The potion has the ability to show you what your soul truly is. It is extremely powerful, but it is also extremely dangerous.
If you convince yourself you are a monster that is what you will become.
Should that happen not even the power of myself and Luna working together will be able to undo it..”
I put the potion away with extreme care. The princesses then hand me a train ticket to Appleoosa. “These tickets will get you as far as Appleoosa,
there you can make a clean start. The royal guards farrier recently retired. His forge awaits you, should you choose to accept it the job is yours. Any supplies you need o make a start will be provided.
Should you decline the potion is still yours no strings attached.”
A clean start in a new town, how could I refuse a generous offer like that? I thank the princesses for their generosity, and on the verge of tears head to the station.
The train finally arrives in Appleoosa,
I put on my new hat, and head to the house that I will call home soon.
I quickly lie back on the bed, and hesitate for just a moment before drinking the contents of the bottle.
The room starts to spin around me, my body starts to feel heavy until I just can't stay awake any longer and pass out.
I find myself in a room,
I'm dressed in my armour. It feels strange. Heavy, like it doesn't belong anymore, so slowly I peel the armour away.
For some reason though it still feels like mine, so I carefully put it to one side.
In the center of the room is a statue wearing some kind of mask, when i set the armour aside it begins to crack.
Suddenly right there in front of me is my father.
I feel every ounce of pain I've forgotten he caused me all at once.
Every word, every insult. Feeling like a thousand tiny knives tearing away at me. He reaches out a hoof, and hands me the pills.
“You can kill her you know?” He says “You can just be the stallion everypony wants”
I feel the anger forming a hard knot inside me. “BUCK THAT, I KNOW WHO I AM.” I scream, tossing the pills to the floor, and stomping them to dust.
Then before my eyes my father transforms, his face melting into stallion me.
But that won't work, I know my past, it made me the pony I am, and will shape me into a mare worthy of the form.
No matter what, I will never be like him.
I will never hurt another pony. I will defend them with everything I am. My armour is back now, but it fits my new body perfectly. There is no longer Caramel mare, no longer Caramel stallion, only me, no matter what I know myself.
I wake up , I feel funny. I feel strange . Then I hear the clock in town strike 9. OH BUCK, I'm late.
I quickly throw on my hat and dash out of the door, pausing only to ask directions I dash off towards work.
Just a minute, did that stallion call me ma'am? No time to wonder, being late for the first day of work will nit go down well.
I politely greet the foreman, he seems suprised for some reason but polite enough. He just called me Ma'am too, I have no idea what is going on. Then as I shake his hoof I notice. My hooves seem different, smaller. My voice seems different too
I look around and see a window, in it I catch a reflection. Mare Caramel is staring back at me. In my reflection I see the real me.
So now you know the truth about me, all of it.
If you're ever passing through Appleoosa look me up.
I still run the forge.
I love it here, the ponies around here are so friendly.
I feel like I've finally come home. I'll be happy to share a drink with you and talk about old times.
Because despite all the pain , all the scares, I'm completely proud of who I am. Regardless of my past I'm the Caramel mare., and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Author's Note
This was written in 18 hours for day of silence, I hope y'all like it.
