The Equine Comedyby PinetaChaptersEquestria GamesA Friend in MeadDeviant ArtEpilogueEquestria GamesAmong military commanders, it is a well-known phenomenon that an army will go soft if it passes too long a time period without seeing any real action. Nowhere is this transformation quicker, and surer, than where your army consists of a herd of pastel coloured winged ponies, camped in fluffy white clouds above a land of cute little unicorns, and cheerful earth ponies who make rather good cider. Imperator Perfectus Tempestas Hurricane, Commander of the Pegasus Legion, realized very soon after the start of the Great Friendship Between Ponies, that the Pax Equestria would last. There was no going back. She watched as her once elite fighting force let their armour rust, and idled their time away flying races, playing games, weaving rainbows, carving snowflakes, and generally having fun with friends. She was happy for them. Was not the whole point of fighting to win peace and security for those whom you love? And yet a part of her felt sad and missed the days when the Pegasi were a mighty warrior tribe. She needed something to do. A task to focus her attention, and keep her mind sharp now that she had no campaigns to plan, nor battles to fight, nor fighting regiments to inspect. But what could she do? The answer came to her in a flash of inspiration one morning in the ides of September. She would write her memoires. She would compile a Commentary on the Equestrian Wars. The definite history of the tribulations of the pony tribes and the final triumph of friendship. In an excited mood, she dressed up in the full armour and crested helmet regalia of her post, and summoned Private Pansy, who had the neatest hoofwriting of all the legionaries. “You wanted to see me Commander?” asked the timid pegasus on arrival at the central command room. “Yes Private, and I wish you to take down a dictation.” The junior legionary picked up a stylus in her mouth and sat by a slab of cloud ready to write. Commander Hurricane flew back and forth, a few inches above the floor, between the cumulus tuba columns supporting the ceiling strata. “Equestria est omnis divisa in partes tres,” began the dictator. “All Equestria is divided in three parts. One of which the Pegasi inhabit, the Unicorns another, and the Earth Ponies the third. Of these tribes, the Pegasi are the bravest, under the command of Hurricane. Among the Unicorns, Platinum is sovereign. Of the Earth Ponies, Puddinghead is the most distinguished and powerful. In seasons past, the three tribes contended with one another in almost daily battles. Hurricane, seeking due remuneration for services bestowed on the other tribes, conducted her army towards the agreed meeting place...” Private Pansy dutifully inscribed the commander's commentary, as Hurricane continued her third pony narrative, staring straight ahead, helmeted brow held high. “...It was decided the three tribes should meet at the bank of the river. Hurricane stationed the legion three stadia to the north, and one above ground, and proceeded to the conference accompanied by ten ponies. Hurricane opened her speech by outlining all the favours the Pegasi had shown towards the Unicorns and Earth Ponies. Imperator... Imperatrix...” She paused, searching for the right word. “Should I use the masculine or feminine noun? Can you help me out Private?” “Oh... I decline sir.” “Imperator Hurricane,” continued the commander, “nunc triumphat qui subegit Equestriam...” “Sir!” “Don't interrupt Private, I'm in mid flow.” Pansy opened her mouth fully and dropped the stylus on the cloud floor. “But sir, maybe we could take a break now, sir!” “But we've only just started!” “But Commander, your dry commentary is sucking the moisture out of the clouds. We need to let the walls recover before you bring the roof down.” Hurricane looked around and saw that the cloud columns were indeed looking rather more nebulous than usual. “Okay,” she replied, “we need to leave anyway. There's an important debate in the Senate this afternoon. We need to decide on the appropriate title for the pony tribe leaders. Senator seems most appropriate, but I would also settle for Patrician, Magistrate or Equite.” The two ponies left the command cloud and flew off over the camp. The central high security zone was built to military precision with multiple strata supported by cloud columns, topped by rainbow banners. This contained the praetorium, the wing-officers’ quarters, and the bath house, surrounding a central forum. The rest of the camp was a less regular array of clouds housing the legionaries and civilian pegasi. Hurricane, Pansy, and a small group of pegasi guards flew over the outer palisade, out of the clouds and across the wider countryside. Below them they could see the woods, hills, small rivers, pastures and scattered farmsteads which characterized the territory, on the edge of a large forest. The First Equestrian Triumvirate: Princess Platinum, Commander Hurricane, and Chancellor Puddinghead, had selected a valley surrounded by rolling hills in the centre of their new country as the site for the capital. The earth ponies had quickly established farms throughout the valley, and erected barns, houses, and taverns. There was now a thriving village. The unicorns had started construction of an impressive castle complex on the high ground to one side of the valley, while the pegasi military camp was pitched in the clouds on the other side. The pegasus commander wanted the Equestrian Senate to be a classical circular theatre with many tiered platforms where the pony masses could assemble and hear the inspirational speeches of their great leaders. The unicorn princess, however, desired a palace of gothic towers with separate chambers for the different aristocratic ranks. The earth pony chancellor envisaged a giant glass pudding-shaped dome, supported by a mirrored ice cream cone. Pending a decision on this matter, the leaders had commandeered rooms in the White Horse Inn, a timber framed tavern on the south side of the village, for their private meetings. Ejected from their usual watering hole by the political class, the regular drinkers had rolled the cider barrels across the street to a pasture known as the Turf, where they relaxed with tankards and friends on the grass. The pegasi landed by the unicorn and earth pony delegations, who were waiting outside the White Horse. This included Princess Platinum; her assistant, the unicorn scholar Clover the Clever; Chancellor Puddinghead; her secretary Smart Cookie; and a small number of earth pony and unicorn guards. “Hail Hurricane!” cried Chancellor Puddinghead. “As you wish,” said Hurricane. She shot back up in the sky, and returned with a black cloud, which she shook above their heads to deliver a localized hailstorm. “Stop that!” cried Puddinghead. “I just meant, Hello!” “Oh,” said Hurricane. She kicked the cloud to one side. “Hello Puddinghead! Hi Platinum!” “If you please, Commander,” replied the princess, “I prefer to be addressed as, 'Your Highness'.” “Her Royal Highness, Platinum Cheval de Bataille, Princess Regnant of the Unicorn Ponies,” announced the guard standing to her left. The other guard, on her right, proudly raised a hoof to salute the monarch. “Long to reign over us!” he shouted. A pegasus above took the cue and delivered a rain shower over the unicorn delegation. Hurricane and Puddinghead both burst out laughing, while the guards levitated an umbrella over their sovereign. Princess Platinum gave the commander an icy stare, while silently repeating to herself what her governess had told her about being a princess when she was a little filly. “Commander. If you please. Control your ponies,” she said coldly. “Rein them in!” added Puddinghead, “before they precipitate a diplomatic incident.” “Okay Nimbostratus. Enough!” Hurricane shouted up to the raincloud. The rain stopped. Clover the Clever, Private Pansy, and Smart Cookie exchanged worried glances waiting for further trouble. But Princess Platinum decided it would not suit her royal dignity to comment on the weather. She raised her head and horn high in the air. “Now that we three Premiers are all here...” “Senators!” interrupted Hurricane. “Burghers!” shouted Puddinghead. Platinum closed her eyes and silently counted to four before continuing. “Now that we are all assembled, the upper chamber of the Equestrian Parliament...” “Senate!” “Horse-meet!” The princess counted to four again. “We can begin the session. Clover the Clever, you may wait for me here.” The three tribal principals walked into their closed meeting. Once the door had closed, their assistants and guards let out a collective sigh of relief. “Cider anyone?” said Smart Cookie. The ponies walked across the street to the Turf, and were soon sat on the grass, sipping cider from wooden tankards. “So how long d'yer reckon it will take for the big ponies to decide if they're to be Senators, Statesponies, Premier-Pony-Burghers, or whatever?” Cookie asked her friends. “They usually argue for about an hour,” said Clover, “then the Chairponies get hungry and wrap things up quickly.” The others nodded in agreement. “This is good stuff,” said Pansy, licking the cider foam off her muzzle. “It's been a good year,” replied Cookie, “new trees fruiting already, and the pegasi have done a great job controlling the weather.” “Thank you,” replied Pansy, “but really, we don't do much at all. We just rearrange the clouds when things get out of order.” “All the same, it's amazing how much smoother things have been since our three Prime Ministers agreed that we should work together.” “That's true,” agreed Clover. “Hey! In a few months it will be one year since that frightful night in the cave.” “One year since the founding of Equestria! We should mark the occasion!” said Cookie. “We should hold a party!” cried Pansy. “That's a great idea,” replied the earth pony. “We can prepare all sort of fancy food and drinks.” “And invite all our friends!” “And play lots of games!” The three friends slapped their hooves together in enthusiasm, then sat back smiling. Clover took a sheet and paper and quill out of her saddle bag and started taking notes. “I guess we should write this up into a formal proposal and take it across to the White Horse to get the Presidents' approval.” “I just hope they haven't been quarrelling too much again,” said Cookie. “They always come around in the end.” With a plop, something fell into Clover's cider tankard. Puzzled, she parted the liquid by magic, and levitated two white cubes onto the tree stump they were using as a table. A pegasus stallion jumped off a cloud which was floating above them and flew down to the ground. “Have you seen our dice?” Clover levitated the dice under his hooves. His face brightened into a big grin. “Hey – VI – VI – double six – look at that Cirrocumulus!” Another winged legionary looked over the edge of the cloud and shook his head. “Doesn't count Nimbostratus – she touched the dice – interference with play.” “You can't back out now. Alea jacta est. She just lifted them out of her cider.” “But she could have changed it.” Clover looked up at the challenger and said, “I performed a simple linear levitation. No angular rotation.” “There,” said Nimbostratus. Cirrocumulus flew down to the ground to confront him. “How do I know that's true? She used some freaky magic there!” At this, one of Platinum's guards jumped up and stuck his horn between the two pegasi. “A unicorn mare would not tell a falsehood. Certainly not over a silly game,” he said aggressively. “Calm down Iridium Flare,” said Clover. “You keep out of this,” said Nimbostratus, “this is a wing officers' discussion.” “I am a knight-cadet of the House of Platinum,” replied the unicorn, “I will not be spoken to like that by a feather brained...” Before he could say any more, one of the pegasi had slapped a hoof in his face. He responded by magically seizing the two winged ponies and bashing their heads together. Several further pegasus legionaries then dived out of the clouds and tackled him to the ground. They were promptly charged by the rest of the unicorn guard. The earth pony soldiers were soon swept into the action, and the scene was enveloped in a cloud of grey dust. At this point the three enlightened rulers of Equestria came out of the White Horse. “Hey! What's going on?” cried Chancellor Puddinghead. “It's a punch-up!” cried an earth pony, galloping away from the ruckus. She dived behind a barrel, which was promptly hit by a flying horseshoe. “They're serving punch! Nopony invited me!” shouted the chancellor. She jumped onto a tree stump, then propelled herself into the fight. A pegasus pony was ejected from the brawl and thrown backward, landing – wings outstretched – at Hurricane's hooves. The commander stared down at her sternly. “What started this, legionary?” “Those unicorns went and picked a fight!” whimpered the soldier. “What!” she cried. She flapped her wings and rose into the air, narrowed her eyes, adjusted her helmet, then zoomed into the fight. Princess Platinum threw her cloak to one side. “I disapprove of such ruffian behaviour. However,” she announced, “a princess will never abandon her subjects!” She charged at full speed into the action. The brawl continued for about three minutes, until all ponies had received sufficient knocks about the head that they could no longer remember what the fight was about. The crowd then dispersed to quiet corners to lick their wounds and search for more cider. Iridium Flare stood on three hooves at the centre of the dirt arena looking disoriented. “Has anyone seen my shoe?” he asked. Throughout this incident, Pansy, Clover and Cookie had remained sitting on the grass holding on to their cider mugs. Clover gave Pansy an anxious smile. “So... Is dice popular among pegasi?” she asked. “Oh yes!” replied Pansy, “everyone in the legion plays dice. It helps to pass the time while on sentinel duty. There are many different games, some with two dice, some three, some six. We usually play for small stakes – usually hailstones or snowflakes.” “What sort of games do unicorns play?” asked Smart Cookie. Clover smiled. “We play Unicorn Chess,” she said. “What's that?” The unicorn grinned, opened her saddle bag, and took out a wooden box and a black and white chequered board, which she laid on the tree stump. She opened the box and levitated a set of painted wooden figures onto the board. “This is the new Equestria Variation. It's my own invention,” she said proudly. “The pieces move in different ways. The small ones are foals – they move forwards one square at a time; the earth ponies pieces move in straight lines along any rank or file; then there are the unicorns, which can move an even number of squares along the rank and file, or an odd number along the diagonals; and the pegasi, which move an odd number along the rank and file, and an even number along the diagonals, and can fly over another piece in their path. In the centre we have the magicians, who can apparate to any square on the board provided the number of steps along the shortest path back to its origin is not a prime number. The crown can only move one square at a time and must be protected by other pieces. The objective of the game is to block your opponents crown so she can only move onto a square of the opposite colour.” “Would you like to play a game?” she asked her two friends, smiling hopefully. “Err... okay,” replied Smart Cookie. Clover set up the pieces on the board. Seeing this, Princess Platinum walked over to join them, flanked by her personal guard – Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy. “Be warned, Clover is rather clever at this game,” she said, “permit us to advise you on the best moves.” “Err... thanks,” replied Cookie. At first the game seemed relatively straightforward. Cookie moved the pieces as Clover had explained. She felt she had understood the basics, and had some idea where the game was going. However, things quickly got a bit more complicated. “You should move that foal forward two squares,” said Iridium. “I thought they only moved one at a time.” “Except when they are within a line of sight of the crown, then they can move twice as far,” he replied. Clover nodded. “That's the en trottant rule. Sorry I didn't have time to explain everything.” “Now, I would move your pegasus back, as it looks like Clover is going to try a Diagonal Saddle Attack,” said Iridium. “You need to close the gap in your defences.” “No, that would be impossible,” said Platinum. “You should move the unicorn forward to protect your crown. Then you're well positioned to take advance of the Sinister Shield Rule.” Cookie decided instead to move her earth pony to one side. “Oh, you're doing a Stable Block Defence. Good idea. Now you can take two extra moves with your magician,” said Iridium. “I thought we were playing by the Standard Court Rules?” said Platinum. “But with the Equestria Line Extension, surely?” replied Iridium. “Oh, in that case she would do better to try Starswirl's Counter Gambit, to shore up the defence and bring the stronger pieces forward.” Smart Cookie let her advisers argue over her head about the best strategy to counter the Reverse Equine Lateral Manoeuvre which Clover had followed, and whether this should be allowed at all under the Horseshoe Handicap Rule. She pushed her pieces around feeling a bit lost, until Clover announced, “I think we've reached a Stablemate Draw.” “How come?” asked Cookie. “We've created an Impenetrable Bridle Line,” she replied, “so neither side can win from this position. I need to reformulate the Equestria Variant rules. It has a tendency to lead to situations like this.” “I said you should have followed the Sinister Shield Strategy,” said Platinum. “I guess Unicorn Chess is a bit of an acquired taste,” said Clover. She packed her wooden figures back in the box and replaced it in her saddle bag. “Have earth ponies invented any good games?” “We sure have,” replied Cookie, “take for example, Aunt Sally.” “What games did she invent?” “Aunt Sally is the name of the game, not a pony.” “So how does one play, Aunt Sally?” enquired Platinum. Smart Cookie grinned, then trotted off the Turf, and returned carrying a bundle of sticks. She then hammered a metal spike into the ground with a hoof, and balanced a wooden skittle on top of this. Then she paced out a distance away from this, and drew a line in the dirt. “Okay, take a stick,” she explained, “and from behind the line, ye throw it at the dolly, trying to knock it off, without hitting the spike. Like this.” She picked up a stick in her teeth, tossed it into the air, then kicked hard with a hind hoof so it sailed across the lawn and struck the skittle in the middle, knocking it to the ground. Commander Hurricane flew over her shoulder and surveyed the setup, looking unimpressed. “Is that all?” she said. “It's not as easy as it looks,” said Cookie, “we play it in legs. In which each player gets six sticks, and whoever gets the most hits wins.” Chancellor Puddinghead cantered over to the group, and gave Cookie a big smile. “Are you playing Aunt Sally? Can I play? Canna? Canna? Can we form a team?” she said while hopping up and down on the spot. “Err. I guess so.” “Yeah! Fig Roll! Spotted Dick! Get over her!” A broad red stallion and a small white and brown dappled colt trotted over to join her. Commander Hurricane called in reinforcements: “Private Pansy, Nimbostratus, Cirrocumulus!” Princess Platinum raised a royal hoof to summon Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy to her side. “Err, maybe we should form mixed teams,” suggested Cookie, “ye know, as some of us have more experience than the rest...” “Hey – we can manage, we know about flight, it'll be plain sailing,” said Commander Hurricane. “Yeah. Earth Ponies verses Unicorns and Pegasi! Let's see who's the best!” cried Puddinghead. “We shall see,” said Platinum. Smart Cookie shook her head slowly while the ponies all lined up ready for play. “Oh just one thing,” said the chancellor, narrowing her eyes and staring at the other two team captains, “the rule is to release the stick from behind the line. No using magic or wings to direct it beyond that. And no stick tampering!” “Of course,” replied the unicorn. “No problem,” said the pegasus. Once the game began, it was soon clear that Smart Cookie had been quite correct in the assessment that it was not as easy as it looked. The unicorns played the first leg, launching their sticks by a levitation and linear acceleration spell. They soon realized that only the slightest error in alignment could see a stick fly well to the side of the dolly. After a few throws, Clover the Clever discovered that by setting the stick spinning in the horizontal plane, she could significant boost the chance of a hit. Overall the team managed a score of seven. Next round was the pegasi. Private Pansy scored two hits, by hovering above the ground and tossing the sticks with two hooves. Cirrocumulus and Nimbostratus then tried flying at speed and releasing the stick just before the line, so it continued towards the target. Commander Hurricane adopted the same strategy, but from a higher and more distant starting point, allowing her to accelerate to full speed before releasing the projectile. She then spread her wings to soar over the target. Overall the pegasi scored eight. “But she was definitely over the line when she let go of the last one,” muttered Iridium Flare. The earth pony team were completely unfazed by the competitors, lying on the grass with their muzzles in tankards of cider. Once it was their turn, they got to their hooves and moved into position. Each pony had his or her own preferred style for throwing the stick. Fig Roll threw it into the air with his teeth, then head-butted it forwards with considerable success. Spotted Dick launched it over his head with a single foreleg swing. Smart Cookie had perfected the toss-and-kick manoeuvre she had demonstrated earlier. Finally the chancellor took each move very seriously, first building a small pile of mud on the ground, and placing the stick on top. She then positioned herself behind this, facing backwards in line with the target; bent her head down and stared between her four legs, doing a lot of hoof shuffling to get the right alignment. Once she was satisfied, she bucked the stick with considerable energy. This way she achieved five direct hits, and embedded one stick in the wattle and daub wall of the White Horse. She was the undisputed champion of Aunt Sally. Overall the earth ponies had achieved a score of sixteen, and celebrated victory with another round of cider. Puddinghead leapt into the air, performed a series of cartwheels, then climbed onto Fig Roll’s back to proclaim to the world, “We are the greatest! Equestrian masters of Aunt Sally!” “I thought you said this would be plain sailing,” said Cirrocumulus to Hurricane. “Errare equinum est,” muttered the commander, sticking her nose in a mug of cider, “but we still beat the unicorns!” “Only because you cheated!” Palladium Alloy shouted, pointing his horn at the commander. “We did never,” cried Cirrocumulus. “Yes you did! We all saw how you hung on to your sticks until you were well past the line.” “We play fair,” bellowed Hurricane, “we don't do any freaky reverse swing bowling. We certainly don't cheat at a silly earth pony game.” “Don't you insult Aunt Sally!” cried Chancellor Puddinghead. Commander Hurricane was hit in the face by a pumpkin, directed by a well-aimed kick from Spotted Dick. Palladium Alloy was drenched by a sudden rainstorm from a small black cloud which had appeared above his head. With his mane plastered in front of his eyes he lunged forward taking a swipe at the commander, but instead hit Iridium Flare, who turned around and punched a hoof at Fig Roll. The kerfuffle continued along predictable lines. Smart Cookie, Private Pansy and Clover the Clever, picked up their ciders and retreated a safe distance to let it run its course. “Seems the only game that we can all play as equals is a pony punch-up,” said Cookie. “Indeed,” replied Clover. “Shall we meet in the Griffin and Foal this evening for dinner?” “Yes, let's do that.” Once the dust had settled, the three pony tribes parted company. Clover, Palladium, Iridium and Platinum walked back towards the unicorn castle together. “There must be a game which all ponies can play and enjoy together,” said Clover, “when I get back, I'm going to search through the library and see if I can't find a record of one.” “As you wish, Clover the Clever. Personally, when I get back, I want a hot bath, with extra lavender and jasmine salts,” said the princess. Soon they reached the castle walls. Princess Platinum had spent many hours discussing the design of the fortification with the unicorn stonemasons and construction was now well underway. It had to conform to expectations of medieval military architecture, with a high curtain wall topped by parapets, surrounding a central keep with turrets with conical roofs. This provided an almost impenetrable defence against enemy attack. As making a good first impression to visitors was a high priority, Platinum had paid extra attention to the design and construction of the entranceway. This was reached by a drawbridge, flanked by pots of tulips, which bridged a wide ditch. The long term plan was to create a water filled moat with lilies and golden carp, but they were still dealing with a few leaks. The gatehouse had heavily ornamented stonework, surrounding a wooden door with a carved motif of unicorns and flowers, below the shiny Platinum crest and hanging baskets of fuchsias and pelargoniums. In the centre of the door was a solid brass knocker; to one side was a handsome multi-stranded bell-rope. “Use the knocker, Palladium Alloy,” commanded the sovereign. “I haven't yet found a suitable bell to attach to the bell-rope.” Palladium dutifully hammered on the knocker. “Why do we need both a knocker and a bell-rope?” asked Clover. “To make a good impression to our visitors of course,” replied the princess, “the door to the Unicorn Royal House must show a bit more than your common pony dwelling... Or do you think it might be a bit too much?” “I think the knocker alone would suffice,” replied Clover. “You may be right,” said Platinum, staring thoughtfully her entranceway. “Why is nopony answering the door?” “It hasn't asked us anything,” said Palladium. Princess Platinum gave him a cold stare. “Who was the pony assigned to guard the door this afternoon?” she asked. “That would be me.” “So why are you out here with the rest of us?” “Well everyone else was going down the Turf, and I thought, no point guarding an empty castle, and went with them.” “So how do we get in?” “Oh, it’s not locked,” he replied, and pushed the door open with a hoof to show that this was true. “So why did you just hammer on the knocker?” “Your Highness asked me to,” replied the obedient servant. The princess let out a sigh as they entered the castle. “Be so good as to heat the water for my bath and bring it to my chamber,” she said to Palladium. Clover ran off down a stone staircase which lead to the castle basements. Underneath the castle towers, she had used her magic to excavate a series of caverns in the hillside. She had then lined these with bookshelves and filled them with all the ancient tomes and scrolls she had managed to salvage from the library of the old unicorn kingdom. It had all got into a terrible state of disorder during the move, and she now spent most of her evenings working through the piles of books, reshelving the collections, and compiling a new catalogue. There was an entire room just containing the unsorted papers of Starswirl the Bearded. “Games, games, games,” she said to herself, “there must be a book on games ponies play somewhere here.” She trotted up to her desk, on the way knocking the twenty volume stack of the 'Rules of Unicorn Chess' to the floor. Then she levitated the papers covering the desktop into the air to search for the catalogue. She eventually found it under a copy of her mentor's 'Enchantments for spiral galaxy formation and facial hair grooming'. After finding nothing in the unfinished index, she resorted to a timeless unicorn scholars' tactic of levitating books into view one by one, reading the titles, and then dropping them into a discard pile. An hour later she had found a few promising titles, but none of these led to a breakthrough. They just confirmed what she had learnt that afternoon: pegasi enjoyed throwing dice; unicorns preferred games with intricately carved figures and complicated rules; and earth ponies liked chucking large pieces of wood around. There was no mention of a game which all ponies could enjoy. She found a promising reference on an ancient scroll, and spent another hour translating an account of something called 'papyrus, stone, shears', but it seemed to have been written by a non-hoofed creature and she couldn't understand how it was played. After three hours of fruitless search, she wandered up to the castle hall. She found the princess giving Iridium and Palladium an embroidery lesson. “Lie the golden yarn across the cloth, then tie it firmly to the fabric with a series of small stitches... carefully does it... no... let me rethread your needle for you.” She caught sight of the unicorn scholar. “Ah Clover, are you any good at backstitch and laid work? These two don't seem able to get the hang of it.” “Sorry Your Highness. What are you making?” Platinum spread out the cloth showing an image of an earth pony outlined in black thread and filled in with coloured yarn. It was almost complete, missing only the tail. “That's magnificent,” exclaimed Clover. On the floor behind her, Clover saw the princess had laid out a series of fabric panels, each the same size. They were embroidered with pictures of unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies, together with trees, hills and clouds; as well as a few snowstorms and exotic creatures. “Once these are complete, we shall sew them all together, and hang the tapestry all around the hall. It will be a lasting monument to our history, depicting the exodus from our homeland, the union of the three tribes, and the foundation of Equestria.” “That will look amazing.” Suddenly Clover the Clever had a brainwave. “Could I borrow this, Your Highness?” she asked, laying a hoof on the unfinished cloth, “and some pins?” “Yes of course, Clover my dear. Let me get you some yarn as well and maybe you could...” But the young scholar was already cantering out of the hall with the tapestry. Reaching the gatehouse, she stuffed the cloth into a saddle bag, and on leaving the castle, took down the redundant bell-rope. She then ran off, over the drawbridge and down to the village. The Griffin and Foal was an inn on the north side of the village, popular with all types of ponies due to its good food and delicious flower cordials. Clover rushed through the door and found Pansy and Cookie were already tucking into a large meal of oatcakes, carrot and apple flan with a dandelion and daisy salad set out on a wooden table. “I've got it!” cried Clover, once she had recovered her breath. “Got what?” asked Cookie, with a mouth full of oatcake. “A game that we can all play together. Let me teach you how to play ‘Pin the Tail on the Pony’.” Taking the embroidered cloth out of her saddlebag, she pinned it onto the wooden panelled wall. She then stuck a pin through the bell-rope, and picked out another plain piece of cloth. “Okay, you go first Cookie. First I blindfold you...” Cookie felt a blindfold magically wrap itself around her head. “Err...” she said. “I'll spin you around,” said Clover, levitating the pony into the air and setting her spinning for a moment before putting her down. “Now, you take the tail.” Clover thrust the head of the pin holding the bell-rope between her friend’s teeth. “Now just walk forwards and pin it on the picture!” Cookie stumbled forwards and hit the wall somewhat sooner than she expected, jabbing the pin through the cloth and into the wood. Amid cries of laughter and applause, Clover removed the blindfold and she saw she had pinned the tail onto the pony's stomach. Private Pansy clapped her hooves together with excitement. “Can I go next!” she cried. After Pansy had pinned the rope on the pony’s nose, they had attracted the attention of all the other ponies in the room, who were equally keen to participate. Once Clover had spun around and directed the last blindfolded volunteer to the tapestry, the early players had run out to tell their friends about the new game. Soon a new herd of curious participants had arrived. And once this group had finished, the news had spread throughout the village. Later that evening, Commander Hurricane was dashing between the clouds above the valley searching for her officers. To her surprise the camp was deserted, so she flew down to the village expecting to find them there. Instead the streets were almost empty. She found Chancellor Puddinghead pacing the dirt road alone. “Hi Hurricane, where is everypony? The village seems to be a ghost town.” “Just what I was going to ask you.” “Do you think it's zombies?” she said, hopping up and down hopefully. They turned the corner, and heard a loud cheer coming from the Griffin and Foal. “Or maybe they all just went down the pub.” They walked into the tavern and found the building packed full of every type of pony, some standing on tables or perched among rafters. Everypony was watching the centre of the room, where a unicorn with a bandage wrapped around her head, and a frayed piece of rope at the end of her horn, was advancing towards a banner pinned to the wall bearing the image of a tail-less pony. “What's going on,” enquired the chancellor to the nearest pony. “It's a new game,” he explained, “just watch!” The unicorn pinned the rope on the rear of the embroidered pony and another cheer erupted from the crowd. As the player removed her blindfold they saw it was Princess Platinum. “Well played Your Highness,” said Clover the Clever, “that was very close.” The princess smiled happily, “I didn't know you were going to use my needlework in this way,” she said to Clover. “But this is fun.” From the back of the room Chancellor Puddinghead shouted, “I wanna play!” and fought her way to the front using the crowd control tactics she had mastered at political rallies. Commander Hurricane leapt into the air, flying over the crowd, and almost beat her to the centre of the room. Puddinghead pushed forward to take the rope but was stopped by Smart Cookie. “I'm afraid you'll have to wait Chancellor. We have a long queue of ponies waiting their turn.” So Puddinghead and Hurricane joined Platinum at the bar counter and sipped mugs of elderflower cordial, while watching other ponies play the game. By the time their turn arrived, there was another type of pony tail queuing out of the tavern door waiting for a chance to play. While many of those who had already had their turn, were staying, hoping for a second or third round. Clover left them to it and retreated to a quiet corner where Pansy and Cookie were talking together. “That was amazing Clover,” said Cookie, “you found a game which everyone enjoys, and plays together without any fighting. And it's so simple.” “That's why it works,” explained Clover. “It's not about strength, skill or competition. It's just about friends having fun.” “You've even got our three Herd Heads laughing together like true friends,” said Cookie, watching Platinum, Puddinghead and Hurricane joking together on the other side of the room. Late in the evening, long after an impromptu proposal for an extension of pub licensing hours was unanimously approved by the premiers, the ponies finally grew tired of tail pinning and the party broke up. Clover, Cookie, Pansy and the Head Horses lingered together chatting. Commander Hurricane talked about her plans for her commentary. “I need a precise, elegant, conclusion to the book. Something with class and grace, which will be recorded in all the history books and taught in schools. How about, 'Veni Vidi Vici'?” “But you didn't conquer anything Commander. Equestria was founded in peace and friendship,” said Platinum. “It was a kind of conquest,” mused Smart Cookie, “in which we all won, and nopony lost.” "How about, 'Venimus Vidimus Fecimus Amicitiam'?" suggested Pansy. “That's not so catchy.” “But much more friendly.” They raised their tankards and downed the last of the cordial. “What did you decide to call the Heads of Pony Houses in the end?” Clover asked Platinum. “Oh,” replied Platinum, “we decided to postpone that decision. It seems clear to me that the obvious title is Equine Premier; but I could also accept Dauphine, or even Maire. But for some reason none of these were acceptable.” “What's wrong with Senator, Patrician, or Magistrate?” said Hurricane. “Or Burgher, Sheriff, or Apple-Puff-Ritter?” shouted Puddinghead. The three Horse Heads glared at one another aggressively. “Okay,” said Clover, “let’s leave that for another day. I’m exhausted. How much do we each owe the landlady?” “Four pegasos,” said Hurricane. “Four unicoins,” said Platinum. “Four bucks,” said Puddinghead. They each counted out four identical sized gold coins onto the table. “We should really have a common Equestrian currency,” said Platinum. “Let’s call it the equ.” “The quid?” said Hurricane. “The Equestrian Equity Quantization Unit.” Smart Cookie swept up the coins with her hoof. “How about, the bit,” she said. A Friend in MeadThree pony tribes each alike in dignity In fair Equestria where we lay our scene From ancient grudge rise to new amity Yet quarrels remain and trust is unseen From forth the brains of these old foes A merry game of pin the tail takes life Whose mispinned posterior overthrows Do with laughter bury their leaders' strife The continuing passage of their hard won love Towards a final equine artistic glory A sign of friendship from earth to clouds above Is the final chapter of my story But first a tale of puddings and mead And this I hope you will take time to read The Earth Pony Chancellery was a three storey building near the centre of the village, on a street which had become known as Pudding Lane. Most of the village houses were built with wattle and daub walls and thatched roofs. However following an unfortunate incident involving an overheating oven and blocked chimney, the original timber framed chancellery had been rebuild in stone, and topped with a tiled roof. In addition to its administrative functions, the building contained a large banqueting hall, for the Pudding parties; extensive cellars to store the produce of the pony farms; and the kitchens. The entire ground floor was set aside for preparing food. Here wood burning ovens were kept hot for baking bread, cakes and puddings; long tables were set aside for preparing fruit and vegetables; and large presses and vats were used for cider making. Chancellor Plum Duff Puddinghead, elected leader of the Earth Pony tribe, made it part of her weekly schedule to spend Tuesday mornings in the kitchens inventing new puddings, cakes, pastries and other sweet desserts. In preparation for this, the kitchen ponies spend Monday afternoon grinding wheat, boiling sugar beet and preparing any other ingredients which the head chef required. They were then too exhausted the following morning to interfere with anything she did. She summoned her secretary to write down the recipe. Smart Cookie started work two hours before dawn, in order to have time to manage the Chancellery affairs before dealing with Puddinghead’s daily whims. That morning she had audited the accounts of the outlying farms; agreed the week’s weather schedule with the Pegasi; and completed a stock check in the cellars. She arrived at the kitchens and noted from the chancellor's blackened hooves and face, that there had just been a think-outside-the-box brainstorming session. “Okay Cookie. Today we are going to bake a Puddinghead Super Special Honey Almond Cherry Pine Nut and Apple Upside-down Cake! Pay attention and take down all the details.” She picked up a large tin pudding dish. “What is the first thing we do when baking cakes?” “We wash our hooves,” said Cookie. Puddinghead paused and replaced the pudding dish on the table. “Yes, the first thing we do when baking cakes is to wash our hooves,” she said and walked over to a sink to splash some water on each hoof. “With soap,” added Cookie. With sanitized hooves, the chancellor returned to the table and picked up the dish. “The second thing we do when baking cakes – after we have washed our hooves – is to grease the pudding tin.” She smeared butter over the metal surface. “Next,” she continued, “mix up five cups of flour, two plates of almonds, three bowls of pine nuts, a dish of butter, half a slug of sugar, two dozen eggs, two jugs of honey, a hoof-full of cherries and a few apples. Mix it all together, put it in the tin, sprinkle on some extra flour, and we'll bake it for an hour. You got all that Cookie?” “Perfectly your Chancellorness.” As she worked, Puddinghead made up a song: All you have to do is take a jug of honey Pour it in the tin Now just take a little something sweet and runny Mix in all well in With some sugar and spice, and give it a spin Add a teaspoon of vanilla Add a little more, and invert it on the floor And you never get your fill of... Upside-down cakes! So sweet and tasty! Upside-down cakes! Don't be too hasty! Upside-down cakes! Upside-down cakes! Upside-down cakes! Upside-down cakes! She triumphantly finished the song by throwing the pudding dish in the oven, slamming the cast iron door, and falling back onto a sack of flour, which promptly burst, filling the room with white powder. “A good song,” she said to herself. “It has got a good tune,” said Smart Cookie, as she swept up the flour, “but I think you need to change some of the words. Some of ‘em don't quite fit.” While Cookie cleaned up the kitchen, Puddinghead stared impatiently at an hourglass timer until the last grain of sand fell. Then she ran to the oven, removed the dish, and triumphantly turned it upside-down over the table. A sticky mixture of cake, fruit, nuts and honey fell out, piled up on the surface, and dribbled onto the floor. The chancellor stuck a hoof into the mixture and licked it. “Not bad,” she concluded, “but I'll have to work on this one. It didn't stay together as it should have. Maybe they didn’t prepare the ingredients properly.” She wiped her hoof on a cloth and looked at her secretary. “Okay Smart Cookie, what's for lunch?” “Shall we go to the Griffin and Foal?” In the tavern, the chancellor thrust her snout into a bowl of beans, carrot and lettuce salad, while Smart Cookie read out details of her earlier inventory of the chancellery cellars. “We have plentiful stocks of oats, grain, celery, pumpkin, carrots, onions, and most other vegetables...” “Awesome!” said Puddinghead, without looking up from eating. “Sufficient reserves of sugar, cherries, blackcurrant jam, redcurrant jelly, raspberry syrup...” “Sweet!” “We have enough cider to last another two months, and once we've pressed some more apples, it’ll see us through the winter...” “Press on!” “We’re down to the last few barrels of mead...” “What!” The chancellor’s head shot up and she stared at Smart Cookie with a terrified face, covered in salad dressing and bits of lettuce. “But that should last a few more months...” “It takes at least a few months to properly age. Make some more immediately!” “There's a problem...” “What problem? Mead is easy to make, you just mix water and honey...” “That's the problem. You’ve used up all the honey in your baking experiments.” For a moment Puddinghead was shocked silent. She pondered the political consequences of this turn of events. Then she banged a hoof on the table decisively. “We must find some more. Immediately! I will personally oversee the search.” “That might not be so easy, but I'm sure if we...” “Cookie,” interrupted the chancellor, “as you are just my secretary, you don't understand these things. But as I am Chancellor I can tell the difference between the problems that are just a minor inconvenience, and will be sorted out by my minions in due course, and the things that are really important and demand my immediate attention as leader. And it is of vital importance for security of the Earth Pony tribe and the stability of Equestria that we get some more honey! This afternoon!” She picked up her bowl, licked up the remaining beans and lettuce, and put it back on the table. “What's for dessert?” she asked. After finishing lunch, Chancellor Puddinghead put on her outdoor coat and boots, and led Smart Cookie, accompanied by Fig Roll and Spotted Dick into the forest on an expedition in search of honey. On her head she balanced a large earthenware jar, in which she planned to collect the honey. As they walked into the forest, she sang one of her election campaign songs: My name is Puddinghead (Hello!) The top earth pony mare (I'm the best!) You're gonna want to vote me in as pony premier No matter what your hue (Hi there!) Or political view (I'm the mare!) 'Cause sweetening up ponies is what Pudding's here to do 'Cause I make the greatest mead, mead, mead Yes I do That sweetness on your tongue is what you need Yes it is So collect your complementary mead, mead, mead Welcome to the Pudding Club Take a water and honey mix (Free mead!) And leave it to mature (I'll lead!) It makes a beverage so fine you'll all love it I'm sure (Vote Pud!) But if you'd like some more (You should!) Then you will have to choose Pudding as your leader and what have you got to lose? Remember how it tastes so sweet, sweet, sweet Yes it does So get up on the hustings make it fleet Cheer for Puddinghead it's sweet, sweet, sweet And I'll fill you with good mead Come on everypony... “Halt!” She stopped abruptly in mid song and pointed a hoof in the air. Looking upwards, on a dead branch at the very top of a tall oak tree, they saw a large bees' nest. “Honey!” cried the expedition leader. “That ain't very accessible,” commented Smart Cookie. “We must get it,” proclaimed the leader. She looked at her three subordinates. “A volunteer to climb the tree and get the honey!” Nopony volunteered. “Err... Chancellor,” said Cookie, “ponies don't climb trees.” The chancellor looked at Spotted Dick and Fig Roll but they just shook their heads. “Okay,” she said, “we'll just have to buck it out!” She backed up to the tree and gave the trunk a mighty Aunt-Sally-winning kick. A few leaves fell out of the lower branches. “Do I have to do everything myself, lend a hoof!” The four ponies repeatedly bucked the base of the tree. This caused a slight vibration in the upper reaches, and after a short while a few bees buzzed down to see what the fuss was about, and then went home to tell the hive not to worry – just a bunch of crazy ponies doing gymnastics. “We ain't getting anywhere this way,” said Cookie, “this tree is a mite bigger than our apples. Maybe we should ask a pegasus to fly up there, or a unicorn...” “Time for Plan Bee,” cried Puddinghead, “I'm going to find a pegasus to fly up there; or a unicorn to do some magic. You stay here and guard the tree!” She galloped off along the forest track. As the pegasi were out of reach in the clouds, the chancellor decided to ask the unicorns first. She cantered up to the castle gatehouse and hammered on the door with the ornamental knocker. The door was soon opened by Princess Platinum herself. “Good afternoon Chancellor. To what do I owe the pleasure?” The earth pony stretched her forehooves forwards bending down to the ground while looking up into the unicorn's face. “Your Highness,” she began, “we have mead of your assistance in a sticky situation. A delicate matter of great importance.” “One is always ready to help our Equestrian allies, but for what cause?” The chancellor looked first to the left and right to check nopony was spying, then reached up the unicorn's height and whispered in her ear, “Honey!” The princess gave a small sigh. “Very well." She turned her head and called into the castle interior, “Clover the Clever, would you accompany me please?” As they walked into the forest, Puddinghead explained the full importance of the mission to the fellow tribal warden. “Mead is the essential spirit to ensure cooperation and friendship among ponies. It's the butter that greases the hooves of the pony proletariat and oils the machinery of intertribal diplomacy. It is the indispensable Element of Harmony. If our mead supply were to run dry then all of Equestria would fall into eternal chaos. There would be riots, rebellion, revolution! Shall I sing a song about it?” “One would hate for that to happen.” After they had arrived at the tree and surveyed the situation, the princess turned to the young scholar. “Well Clover the Clever, can you seize the nest with your magic and bring it down to our earth pony friends?” Clover cast a trial spell around the bees’ nest, which caused the branch to sway a little. “I don't think that's going to work Your Highness. It seems to be well attached. I need to take a closer look.” “Well can you apparate up there and inspect it?” “I'd rather not, I don't much like heights. But there's another way.” She cast another spell, and all the ponies were thrown to the ground as the oak tree uprooted itself, flew into the air, turned upside-down, and descended to the ground slowly, coming to rest in mid-air, with the dead branch and the bees' nest hovering in front of Clover. Small twigs, leaves, and lumps of mud rained down onto the ponies. Clover inspected the nest. “Apis mellifera,” she said, “as I thought, they built the bulk of the nest inside the hollow branch. Very sensible – they wouldn't want it to fall off in the wind. Amazing honeycomb structure – it’s a perfect array of regular hexagons.” “Don't bug us with a lecture on insect architecture. Let’s just get the honey!” cried Puddinghead. She positioned her jar underneath the nest, then reached up with her fore hooves and vigorously shook it. This failed to produce any honey. Instead a swarm of bees flew out of the nest and buzzed around the group of ponies for a while before settling on Clover's head and body, completely covering her purple coat. “Aargh!” she cried, shaking her head back and forth. As her concentration faltered, the tree swayed in the air, sending further mud, twigs and an old bird's nest falling to the ground. “Watch out Clover! You could hurt someone,” cried Cookie. “Okay, okay, I'll put it back!” The tree righted and replanted itself, and the bees left Clover. She collapsed on the ground exhausted. “Why did they all settle on me?” she cried. “They must think that you're a lavender bush,” said Puddinghead. “She just means that you look and smell very nice,” said Cookie, comforting her friend. “Look – we have some pegasistance!” Puddinghead waved a hoof in the air, and Commander Hurricane flew down and landed by the group, accompanied by Nimbostratus and Cirrocumulus. They were dressed in full armour, and carrying weapons. “What's with the tree suddenly flying up into the air?” she asked. “The chancellor is desperate to recover some honey from the nest at the top of the tree,” Princess Platinum explained. “We were trying to assist her.” Hurricane pointed a hoof at Clover, who was still lying on the ground with her eyes shut. “Is she alright?” “Just a temporary attack of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. She'll be fine,” said Puddinghead. The commander looked up at the bees’ nest. “So you want to carry out a honey raid huh?” she said. “Leave this to the professionals!” She turned to face Nimbostratus and Cirrocumulus. “Okay troops, the enemy is in sight. Pila at the ready. We'll spear the nest and bring it to the ground! Ipso facto et ungula militari.” she gripped a spear between two hooves and turned to face the nest. “Bee careful,” joked Puddinghead. “Charge!” cried the commander. She flew up at full speed directly at the nest. Her blade cut straight through the outer beeswax layers and embedded itself in the wood. The spear impact threw her head over hooves, and conservation of momentum carried her spinning body forwards until she collided with a cloud. Nimbostratus and Cirrocumulus flew to help her. “Are you alright Commander?” “Perfectly,” replied Hurricane. She flew back to the nest to find her spear had cut into an empty honeycomb. She placed her hooves on the branch and tugged at the spear until it came loose sending her into a backwards spin into another tree. “Okay,” she said, gritting her teeth and tightening the grip on her weapon, “let's do this the hard way.” She flew back to the nest and surveyed the dead branch looking for the weakest entry point. Then thrust her spear into a promising crack. At this direct attack, a swarm of bees flew out of the nest and launched an equally direct attack on the aggressor. “Retreat!” shouted the commander, flying away at full speed covered in a layer of angry bees. The insects proved difficult to throw off. First she tried flying at full speed, but they just burrowed deeper into her fur and feathers. She flew under a heavy rainstorm without success. Eventually she spun around and created a tornado, which seemed to shake them out, or maybe by that point they had just decided it was enough and gone home. Having flown all across the valley Hurricane found she was outside her cloud camp, so she flew down to the praetorium to clean up her mane and feathers. “Is everything okay Commander?” asked Private Pansy, looking up from her desk work compiling an index of her superior's commentary. “We have a bee class insurgency in the forest,” replied Hurricane, “but it's under control.” “Oh dear,” replied Pansy, “I'll come over and see if I can help.” “As you wish Private.” They flew over to the forest and found the rest of the ponies sitting at the base of the tree discussing tactics. “What if we smoke them out?” said Puddinghead. “We just need to get a fire going under the nest.” “That could set fire to the entire forest!” said Smart Cookie. The chancellor considered this option. “I'm not sure if caramelized honey makes good mead,” she said, “any other ideas?” “I say we lay siege!” cried Hurricane. “We maintain a day and night blockade, so they can't get any nectar in. They'll soon capitulate and hand over the honey...” “Erm... excuse me,” said Pansy. “Not now Private,” said Hurricane. “This will require a well camouflaged patrol...” “Erm... will this be enough?” Pansy held out a jar three-quarters full of honey. Commander Hurricane stared at her. Her mouth dropped open. “What?... How?... You!... Where?... Honey?...” she spluttered. “I asked if they could spare any. And they agreed.” “You... asked a bees' nest for some honey?” said Platinum. “They were very nice about it,” replied Pansy, “they said they needed to keep some for the winter, but we could take this much. They did request that you abstain from waving sharp pointed objects outside the nest in the future. And they hinted that if you could plant some more of the little purple flowers, which smell so nice, outside the village, they would really appreciate it. It's also getting rather crowded in that nest, so maybe if you built some hives for them, some of them would move in, and I'm sure they would share some more honey.” There was a moment of silence while the ponies took in this unexpected victory. Puddinghead walked up to the jar and sniffed the contents, then her face burst into a grin. “Awesome!” she cried, throwing her hooves around the pegasus legionary. “I knew we could do this with a little help from our friends.” She lifted Pansy into the air with her fore hooves. “Here is a pony who can find a creative solution to a crisis. I bet you can think inside a chimney!” “Erm... I’d rather not,” said Pansy. Princess Platinum smiled. “Good,” she said, “we can go home now.” “This evening,” announced Chancellor Puddinghead, “you are all invited to the chancellery. Where there will be mulled mead. We can all play pin the tail on the pony. And you can try some upside-down cake, and my famous extra sticky toffee pudding!” So that evening, all six friends assembled in the Earth Pony Chancellery to enjoy mugs of hot mulled mead, and slices of apple pie – which Cookie had substituted for alternatives, feeling that she had dealt with enough extra sticky situations for one day. “This mead really is divine,” said Princess Platinum to Puddinghead, “I can understand now why you were so determined to get some more ingredient. Would it be too much to ask for a firkin for the castle cellar?” “Well, Your Highness,” began Puddinghead, “it's a bit complicated. We have to ration it until the next batch is mature. And we can't be seen to favour unicorn princesses over your ordinary down to earth ponies.” “I understand.” “However,” continued the chancellor, “we now need to make some beehives. Maybe if the unicorns could lend a hoof or horn...” “We would be delighted.” Commander Hurricane had climbed on top of a barrel with Fig Roll and Spotted Dick. Together they were singing a song: A true, true friend helps a friend in need A friend will be there to help you see A true, true friend joins a friend in mead And we delight in the wine from the honeybee “By the way,” said Clover, “did you reach agreement on what to call the Equestrian heads of tribe?” “Oh,” replied the princess, “we never did revisit that. But anyway, I suppose it doesn't really matter.” “What's in a name?” said Smart Cookie. “Yeah,” replied Puddinghead, “that which we call a lavender unicorn, by any other mane would smell as sweet.” Deviant ArtThe unicorn castle hall looked splendid. The stone floor was covered with a thick red carpet. Candles were lit in ornamented holders throughout the room, shedding light on the walls, illuminating Princess Platinum's masterpiece wall hanging. This was made up of twelve squares of cloth sewn together, each richly embroidered, with an intricate pattern around the edge framing beautiful pictures illustrating the story of the founding of Equestria. The room was also displaying further works of art. In the centre were a series of sculptures, and high on the end wall, some older tapestries and portraits of past monarchs which the unicorns had brought from their old home. The princess, dressed in her jewelled crown and requisite royal cape, was unable to stand still, and paced up and down the hall continuously. “Try to relax Your Highness,” implored Clover the Clever. “Everything is ready. The drinks and light refreshments are here, the bards have tuned their lyres, and your artwork is perfectly arranged and illuminated. We're all set to receive our guests.” “I know, I know,” replied Princess Platinum, “I just can't stop worrying about what they will think of it. And what they will say. What if they don't like it? If they come out with some derogatory comment or base joke, I don't think I could cope! I've put so much into that tapestry!” “But they will like it,” pleaded Clover, “it's an amazing, awe inspiring work of art! Everypony who has seen it admires it.” “You mean every unicorn admires it,” rebutted Platinum. “Of course they do. We are a refined cultured herd, who appreciate the fine arts. I know that you understand the amount of work which goes into my craft, even though you choose to spend all your hours in that dusty library. But these pegasi and earth ponies are different. You know how vulgar their tastes are. They won't like it! I know they won't!” She threw herself onto a pile of cushions and raised a hoof to her brow. “They'll just laugh at it. Or ignore it. They won't mean to be cruel, but they won't know how much it means to me! Commander Hurricane will hardly glance at it, and Puddinghead will make a lot of silly jokes!” She pushed her head and horn deeper into the cushion pile. “Why did I ever decide to invite them? I don't know what I was thinking! I just can't face it!” She lifted her head and her gaze fell on a cast bronze pony in the centre of the hall. “Move that out of here! We can't leave it on display! Quickly!” Clover inspected the metal statue. “I can't move it! It must weigh a ton.” “Clover, I have seen you lift a forty-ton tree into the air.” “Well I'm not moving it now. It looks just fine where it is.” “But look at it! The eyes are far too small, the head is absurd, the thing looks as if it has been squashed into a terrible shape, like an anteater crossbreed. And have you ever seen a pony that colour?” “It's an avant-garde portrait sculpture.” “I know that! But the others will look at it and giggle and say, 'Why the long face? What kind of artist thinks ponies look like that?'” There was a knocking at the castle door. “They're here! They're here!” she wailed, “quick – bar the door! Raise the drawbridge! Go up to the battlements and shout down that we've contracted foot-and-mouth and must remain under quarantine for three months!” Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy, who were standing by the door, moved to obey the sovereign. But Clover, who had spent the day developing a political theory of constitutional monarchy, pulled them back by magic, and opened the door. Commander Hurricane, Private Pansy, Chancellor Puddinghead and Smart Cookie entered the castle together. Puddinghead bounded into the hall first, dressed in her ceremonial ruff and pudding hat. She jumped up to greet Princess Platinum grinning wildly. “Hiya ya-highness. How's it going? I really like your cloak. It's real weasel! How'd you get all the little critters to give up their skins? Hey, you've got some punch!” She bounced on to the drinks table leaving the princess smiling weakly. Commander Hurricane entered the hall wearing her shining black armour, which she had spent the afternoon polishing. She removed her crested helmet, shook her mane and looked around the room. Then she walked over to the wall. “Puddinghead,” she called, “take a look at this!” She was standing in front of the tapestry together with Private Pansy and Smart Cookie. The chancellor trotted over to her side. They stared at the first embroidered frame showing a village in the grip of a harsh winter. Strands of woollen yarn tied to the cloth depicted the ground covered with snow, and ponies shivering and fighting over scarce food. Directed by the princess, a dozen unicorns had contributed to the piece, stitching the details of the cold windswept landscape, and the bitter faces of hungry ponies. “That was last winter!” cried Puddinghead. “I remember that,” said Smart Cookie. She shivered at the thought. They turned their heads and looked further along the frieze. The next frame showed a meeting hall with the three clan chiefs stood confronting one another across a table while their fellow ponies looked down from a balcony. “It's us!” shouted the chancellor. “I won't forget that day,” said Hurricane, “we all shouted at each other, and then we had to fight over who would leave the room first.” The next cloth was divided into three parts, showing the earth ponies, unicorns and pegasi departing their homeland. “I'm in this one,” said Pansy pointing out a figure, “and there's Clover, and Cookie!” “The great day of departure on the perilous journey!” cried Puddinghead. The next frame detailed the perils of the journey: pegasi fighting dark monsters in the air; earth ponies navigating treacherous mountains and descending steep snow-covered cliffs; the unicorns wading across a great fast-flowing river. They then moved along the tapestry to the arrival in the new land. “And we landed on Earth!” announced Puddinghead. “Oh it felt so good to get your hooves into that dirt after all the snow!” “Pegasopolis!” said Hurricane with a grin. “Of course you mean Unicornia,” said Platinum, standing behind them. They all giggled together. Smart Cookie and Clover had moved on to the next stitched frame showing the leaders quarrelling. “They weren't so cheerful then. Remember how you tried to calm them down?” she whispered to her friend. “But they wouldn't have any of it,” replied Clover. They were now at the head of the hall, halfway along the length of the embroidered hanging. The next picture showed the return of the wintery weather, and the ponies all taking shelter in the cave. “Remember outlining the territories?” Cookie said to Pansy. “Oh yes.” She smiled at the thought. “That was so silly.” Chancellor Puddinghead jumped ahead to the next frame excitedly, “It's the battle of the rock!” she cried. All ponies crowded around the woven strip showing the three pony leaders fighting. “Remember how we fought over that little stone,” said Platinum. “Oh yes,” replied Hurricane, “you invaded our territory.” They laughed together. The following picture had a colder feel to it, showing the cave entranced blocked, and ice forming around the leaders. The outlines of three windigos were embroidered at the top of the frame. “That wasn't funny,” said Puddinghead, “the ice froze all around my mouth. I was afraid I'd never be able to talk again.” “A real calamity,” said Cookie. “It was really scary,” said Pansy. “It seemed like the end of everything. I remember how we huddled together. And then...” “And then you told us how much you liked Commander Hurricane,” said Cookie. “She's not so bad,” said Pansy quietly. “I was going to say, and then Clover made that amazing magic heart.” “We all made it,” said Clover. “And then you told us that story about the time Commander Hurricane chose a turtle as the mascot for the legion.” “Actually it was a tortoise. And you told us all those funny stories about the trouble Princess Platinum got into at boarding school.” “And Cookie told the one about the time Chancellor Puddinghead invited the donkey returning officer to the post-election party.” “And his false teeth got stuck in the extra sticky toffee pudding!” The three friends fell about on the floor laughing, while the three premiers walked passed to the next frame. “We missed that bit,” said Hurricane, “but I remember the thaw!” This picture showed the leaders emerging from their ice cocoons. “That felt so good!” said Puddinghead. The final cloth showed the six ponies together at the foundation of the new village, raising the united Equestrian banner. Nopony made any comment. They just stood looking at the image together in silence. Clover glanced at the princess, and saw she was smiling with tears welling up in her eyes. Eventually Commander Hurricane said softly, We have come so far, Per amicitia ad Equestria, All ponies together. “Commander!” cried Princess Platinum with an elated face, “I never knew you were a poet!” Hurricane gave a proud smile. “You must read my commentary.” The ponies moved into the middle of the hall and sat down on the cushions. “Whatever happened to the rock in the cave?” asked Puddinghead. “It must still be there,” replied Clover. “We should go and get it!” said Hurricane, “it's a symbol of our destiny! The Rock of Equestria!” “We could keep it in the castle,” said Platinum, “as a museum piece, under glass. And it would make an excellent coronation stone!” “I think we should keep it in the chancellery kitchen,” said Puddinghead, “it will be great for cracking nuts, grinding flour, and pressing small cakes. I shall call it the Stone of Scone.” “You two have enough rocks already,” cried Hurricane, “we need some more ballast in the clouds!” “Are you going to fight over it again?” asked Clover. At this, they all fell about laughing. The six friends continued laughing and joking about the adventure they had shared through the evening. They discussed the progress they had made in settling their new country, and their plans for the future. Princess Platinum asked Private Pansy to tell the story of the legion tortoise. After recounting this adventure, Pansy asked to hear more about the unicorn boarding school. At this Platinum proudly showed them a letter she had received from the Headmistress of the Academy for Unicorn Princesses, reprimanding the recent behaviour of her little sister, whose unacceptable conduct included consorting with an earth pony servant, and who had further, invited a pegasus into the dormitory. They all giggled at the salacious details of the school report. Then, as it grew late, they chatted about the horseshoes, saddlebags and mane styles; and braided each other’s tails. Eventually Commander Hurricane stood up and yawned. “That was a great party Your Highness. Now we must depart. We have a camp inspection at dawn.” “We'd better leave too,” said Cookie, “we have a lot of haymaking to do tomorrow.” “Don't let it rain on us,” said Puddinghead to the pegasi, “we need a beautiful day tomorrow.” Princess Platinum escorted her guests to the gatehouse and watched them walk or fly off into the night. “I'm going to take a nap on the way home Cookie – wake me up when we reach the chancellery,” said Puddinghead as they walked over the drawbridge. Once her guests were out of sight, the unicorn closed the door and dropped all her regal deportment. “Yes! Yes! Yes! They liked it! They really liked it!” she cried. She threw her crown into the air and leapt up on all four hooves. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!” “Of course they did,” replied Clover the Clever. “I was so afraid they wouldn't understand art.” “Your Highness, your tapestry is a wonderful work of art. The needlework is exquisite. But more importantly, it tells a story that matters to everypony. It’s something we can all relate to, and I’m sure ponies will still admire it, and tell the story behind it for many years to come.” Early the following day, Private Pansy was asleep in the clouds, blissfully dreaming about the house that she planned to make her home once her period of military service was complete. This would be a little cottage on the ground, with climbing roses above the doorway, and pots of pelargoniums underneath the windows. The garden would be full of hollyhocks, cornflowers, lavender, and many other flowers to attract the bees and butterflies. Being close to the forest, there would be lots of woodland birds who would fill the air with their sweet song. HONK! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! She was abruptly recalled to the reality of army life by a shrill bugle blast followed by a lot of clanging. Sticking her head out of her cloud into the morning air, Pansy saw Commander Hurricane swooping through the camp in steady wing beats, banging a horseshoe against a kitchen saucepan, shouting instructions to the wing-officers. “Legionaries! All patrols report for inspection parade at the forum in five minutes!” “Why is she on the war path?” asked Cirrocumulus. “I don't know,” replied Pansy. “Best see what she wants.” Rather more than five minutes later, the divisions of the winged legion were lined up, in varying states of wakefulness, along the central forum of the camp. Regular cloud columns stood between them demarcating the path of the commander as she flew back and forth. Once Hurricane was satisfied that she had an audience, she flew up above the assembly and addressed her troops. “Pegasi! As you are all aware we are a mighty warrior tribe! Brave in combat. The epitome of military discipline. Admired by our allies. Feared by our enemies. Further, we have brought peace, security and civilization to Equestria; as well as public order, legal codes, and an aerial irrigation and fresh water supply. Never has a unicorn or earth pony had just cause to question, 'What have the Pegasi ever done for us?' Our ponies-in-arms have achieved many a feat beyond the reach of other hoofed creatures!” She paused waiting for the cheer from the troops. Private Pansy looked up and down the line and saw most of the legionaries were asleep again. She nudged Cirrocumulus, and cried, “Yay!” “And yet we cannot rest on our laurels,” continued the commander. “We may be world leaders in aeronautics and hydraulic engineering, yet our unicorn peers put us to shame with their works of public art! We need to redress the situation, and show that the Pegasi can also conceive, execute, and admire the creative arts. Today we shall do this. We shall sculpt a monument to demonstrate the artistic skill of the pegasus ponies! Each squad is to carve a pony sculpture to the best of their creative ability. We shall then assemble a monumental frieze to depict the glory of the winged legion, which shall be visible to all Equestria!” She flew down and landed between the ranks of legionaries. “You have your orders! Any questions?” she said. “We sculpt a monument... Out of what?” asked Private Pansy. “Clouds,” replied the commander. “What else?” “Can we?” exclaimed Pansy, clapping her hooves together in excitement. “Oh this will be super fun!” And indeed it was. Each of the squads of the four wings of the legion was assigned to sculpt a cloud figure to their own design. The legionaries spent a happy morning collecting cloud material and fashioning it into giant floating pony sculptures. Most created military pegasi models; but some opted for unicorns or earth ponies. Some clothed their statues in elaborate dress, others sought to portray the perfect athletic form of a pony nude. During a brief break they wandered around the camp inspecting the work of other teams, then flew back to refashion their own creations, aiming to outdo one another with innovative mane styling and mares' tails. By the middle of the morning a herd of individual cloud portraits was assembled in the air above the camp forum. Commander Hurricane stared up at the cloud frieze with a satisfied smile. “Magnificent!” she exclaimed. “Let's release them into the wind.” The winged ponies took to the air and gently kicked their statues into motion. Soon, a long line of thirty-two pony figures was drifting across the sky. The legion all assembled on the north-east side of the camp and watched their artwork float off across the valley, dancing in the breeze. Commander Hurricane saluted the aerial monument as it drifted away. “Exegi monumentum aere perennius,” she said proudly. On the other side of the valley, in a tower of the unicorn castle, Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy were carrying a bathtub full of hot water up a narrow spiral staircase; which is not an easy task, even for ponies gifted with magical levitation powers. Iridium slowly ascended the stairs backwards, one hoof at a time, focusing his magic on the tub below, while Palladium did the same, walking forwards from the other end. “Why is Her Royal Highness taking so many baths at the moment?” grumbled Palladium. “It's keeping up with the Pegasi,” explained Iridium, “she doesn't want to be any less clean and fresh than Commander Hurricane.” “Do pegasi take so many baths?” “Oh yes. They have large public baths up in the clouds; with running water. Cirrocumulus told me that Commander Hurricane sometimes receives wing-officer's reports while in the bath. And she dictates her commentary likewise. It stops the atmosphere getting too dry.” “It's ridiculous! Since when did ponies need to bathe every day? In the old days it was just twice a year and keep a sprig of lavender behind your ear.” Clover the Clever cantered up the stairs at speed and squeezed past the two stallions and bathtub. “Careful,” cried Iridium, momentarily losing his concentration and letting the tub slop some water on the floor. Clover was already at the top of the stairwell hammering a hoof on Princess Platinum’s bedchamber door. “Your Highness! Come and look at this!” Princess Platinum open the door, dressed in a pink bathrobe. “Whatever is going on?” she asked. “Do you have my bathwater?” There was a loud crash in the stairwell, and a moment later Palladium appeared covered in soap bubbles, with his mane plastered over his face. “Sorry,” he said, “I slipped on a wet step.” The princess sighed. “What is it Clover?” “Come out on the battlements,” replied the scholar. Platinum followed her out through an arched doorway which led off the stairwell onto the castle roof. There, from a stone walkway behind the parapets, there was a splendid view across the valley. They could see the thatched roofs of the village houses; the isolated farms; the earth ponies out cutting grass and hay making; and in the distance, the Pegasi military camp pitched among the clouds. But it was the foreground weather patterns which had caught Clover's attention. They had a panoramic view of the pegasus frieze, a long line of brilliant white cloud-ponies illuminated by the morning sun. “Oh my!” exclaimed Platinum, “but how?... Oh... of course... it's Commander Hurricane's doing.” She laughed. “It seems that they had a busy morning,” said Clover. “And what a magnificent cloudscape,” said Platinum, “it combines the style and grace of classical statuary with the dreamy beauty of a romantic landscape, and a slight comic touch – truly original. I never thought the pegasi could produce art of such sophistication.” “Maybe you've got them into something new,” replied Clover. Out in the fields on the other side of the valley, the earth pony team also stopped to admire the artistic canopy. “Looks like they took your request for a beautiful day very seriously,” said Smart Cookie. “And now we know what they can do, we can demand it every year,” joked Puddinghead. However haymaking was a serious business, and they knew they couldn't spend all day admiring the clouds. Ponies spread out across the field gripping scythe handles in their teeth, sweeping the blades back and forth to cut the grass. This was left to dry in the sun, while the dry grass was raked up, piled up in carts and moved to hay barns outside the village. Chancellor Puddinghead stood on a haystack in the centre of the field shouting instructions at everypony until one of the workers sneaked off for a quiet word with a pegasus friend. This resulted in a specially targeted micro thunderstorm. It was exhausting work, but satisfying and fun, and they were all in a joyful mood when, towards the end of the day, they had finally cut and cleared the hillside. Smart Cookie and Puddinghead lay down on their backs in the middle of the field, glad to relax. The chancellor picked a tuft of grass, blew the seeds into the wind, and started to chew the stem. She looked up at the blue sky. “Oh look Smart Cookie, the pegasuses have been pulling faces out of the clouds again!” Sure enough a herd of fluffy white horses was floating overhead. “Just look at that unicorn!” “Or that pegasus!” “Or is it supposed to be an earth pony?” They paused staring at an enigmatic equine-shaped cloud. “They've gone all abstract this time.” “It is shaped like a pegasus,” said Smart Cookie after some thought. “Methinks it is like an earth pony,” replied Puddinghead, “or like a unicorn.” She continued chewing the grass staring at the overhead pony. “Very like a unicorn,” murmured Smart Cookie. She pulled her hat down over her eyes and soon forgot about the pegasus artwork. The earth pony leader leapt to her feet. “You know what Smart Cookie,” she cried, “we can't let the unicorns and pegasi have all the fun. It's time we did some art!” “What?” cried her secretary, waking up and pushing her hat back. “We're going to make a picture like they did!” “What? But how? We can't do needlework or sculpt clouds like they do?” “Don't be silly. We're earth ponies; the earth is our canvas!” she cried, “Spotted Dick! Fig Roll! Get up here! We've got some artwork to do.” The two stallions trotted up the hillside to join them. “Go and get a vat of paint and some brushes. We're going to paint a portrait.” “Paint a portrait! Where?” asked Fig Roll. “On the hillside. Where else?” She pointed out the proposed canvas with a hoof. “But then we'll get coloured hay next year,” he objected, “it will taste funny.” “And we haven't got any paint,” added Spotted Dick. The chancellor disliked it when her visionary plans were held back by lesser ponies with no imagination. “Well get some flour and water then.” “But we need the flour for baking cakes.” “Well find something else! Why do I always have to work out everything myself? Can't you...” “Chancellor,” said Smart Cookie, “the hillside is made of chalk. If we scrape away the grass and top soil, it will show a clear white line...” “That’s it!” cried Puddinghead. She waved her hooves in the air to attract the attention of the other earth ponies. “Everypony get up here! We’ve got some important poking the ground with our hooves to do!” Once she had a large herd gathered around her, she looked at Smart Cookie. “Okay, what do we do?” To celebrate the completion of the harvest, the remaining earth ponies returned to the village to prepare a large feast. They set up tables outside on the Turf, and piled these high with all sorts of fruit, vegetables, pies, flans, pastries, cakes, and other good things to eat. Invitations were dispatched to their unicorn and pegasi friends. By early evening, when Puddinghead marched triumphantly down the hill with Smart Cookie, Fig Roll and Spotted Dick, everything was ready. The unicorn delegation arrived. The freshly bathed princess warmly embraced the hay and chalk dust covered chancellor. “My dear Puddinghead, what have you been doing on the hillside? We can't quite make it out from here.” “All in good time Your Highness. Wait until the pegasi are here.” The pegasus legion arrived in style, all wings flying in unison with Commander Hurricane at the head. They performed a graceful aerial circuit around the village and hillside before landing all together at the feast. Hurricane walked up to Puddinghead and saluted. “We love the picture you chalked up on the hill Chancellor,” she said to Puddinghead. “It looks great from the air. But you've got to tell us – is it supposed to be an earth pony, a unicorn, or a pegasus?” Cirrocumulus, Nimbostratus and a large crowd of other pegasi all stared at Puddinghead anticipating her response. “They've been placing bets on what you're going to say,” explained the commander. For once, Chancellor Puddinghead was unsure what to say. “We were going to ask you that,” she said eventually. “What?” “Well it's not so easy to mark out a figure on the ground, where you can't see the entire picture,” said Smart Cookie, “so we waited until one of your cloud sculptures was in front of the sun, and we traced out the shadow on the ground.” “But we couldn't agree on what sort of pony it was supposed to be,” said Puddinghead. “We assumed you could tell us.” “Who made that one?” said Hurricane. None of the pegasi knew. “Well what time did it appear?” “Late afternoon,” replied Puddinghead. “But no one was making clouds then,” said Hurricane, “we were all chilling out in the hot tub after a busy morning.” “You mean...” “It was just a passing cloud.” They stared at each other’s shocked faces. Princess Platinum looked at them both, gave a restrained titter, and then, unable to hold back, burst out laughing. “Your Highness,” said Clover the Clever, “you shouldn't laugh at other ponies’ artwork.” “I know,” replied Platinum, “I'm sorry. But it's just so funny – the look on your faces.” At this Puddinghead joined in laughing, “you're right, it is funny.” “Whatever it is,” said Commander Hurricane, “it looks really cool from the air.” “It’s an artistic monument to Equestrian unity,” said Platinum. The three united tribes then turned their attention to the feast in front of them and set about devouring the roasted chestnuts, carrots, butternut squash, coleslaw, bean salad, fresh bread, hay and other snacks. Plates were loaded with pastries stuffed with mushrooms, nuts, and all types of herbs, served with potatoes and cranberry and onion sauce. Followed by pony-sized pumpkin pies, extra sticky toffee pudding, and a perfected upside-down cake (further experimentation had shown it turned out better with not quite so much honey). This was washed down with copious amounts of the best cider, perry, fruit cordial and mead. “Will we have enough food left to celebrate the anniversary of Equestria?” Clover asked Smart Cookie. “No problem,” replied her friend, “the cellars are full. But we'd better get started with the planning soon, if we're going to get it all ready. So much to do: cakes to bake, decorations to make, games to plan.” “It's the end of summer,” said Clover, “the wind has turned cold. We will see the first frost soon. I wonder how cold the winter will be? If the windigos are gone it can't be as bad as last year, but we should be prepared for the worst.” She looked around her. Further down the table Princess Platinum was showing Private Pansy how to embroider a pattern on the tablecloth. Chancellor Puddinghead and Nimbostratus appeared to be engaged in a pudding eating contest, while Cirrocumulus and Fig Roll placed stakes on the outcome. Commander Hurricane was listening with great interest to Iridium Flare’s description of the sport of jousting. A group of all pony types were playing a game of pin the tail on the pumpkin pie, while another team were engaged in unstick the toffee pudding from the pony. “I reckon we'll all stay warm whatever the weather,” said Smart Cookie. EpilogueThree millenia later, Princesses Celestia and Twilight Sparkle sat on a cloud above a green hill in the countryside south of Trottingham, surveying the image of a white horse cut into the turf covered chalk on the ground beneath them. Down below Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy were working along the white lines, pulling up weeds, scraping back the turf and rechalking the surface. “Thank you for inviting us to help renew the White Horse image this year,” said Twilight, “it's quite an honour.” “You're very welcome Twilight,” replied Celestia. “It needs to be done every few years if the image is to remain clear. The local ponies asked for some help with the scouring this year, so I'm very pleased you were able to come along.” “It's amazing to think that we are carrying out a task that ponies have been doing for thousands of years,” said Twilight. “How old is it exactly?” “I don't know. It's older than me. Excavations nearby have uncovered the remains of one of the oldest settlements in Equestria.” “I know this region has a very long historical heritage. There are many references to places here in the Commentarii de Bello Equestri.” “Have you read it?” “Yes. Well, most of it. I sort of skimmed through volumes ten to thirteen.” “I never got more than halfway through book one.” “It is a bit dry,” said Twilight, “but it's one of the most important contemporary sources to study the early history of Equestria.” Celestia nodded. “While you are here, you must take time to visit the museum at Neigheux. They have the most amazing tapestry.” “I've read about it.” “And the tea shop serves a delicious toffee pudding.” Twilight stared at the hillside figure with an inquisitive frown. “Is it supposed to be a pegasus, a unicorn or an earth pony?” “Nopony knows for sure. It's always been called the White Horse, but some say it is actually a dog, or a dragon, or some other creature.” “I wonder why they first made it, all those years ago. Was it marking the territory of some tribe? Or an ancient fertility symbol?” “There are a great many stories about that. According to some scholars in Canterlot, it is an emblem of an ancient goddess,” replied Celestia. “Luna thinks that it shows a pattern in the stars, a constellation that is no longer visible. And there’s a numismatist who says it matches a pattern on some ancient coins. She thinks it’s the signature of the first treasurer of the Bank of Equestria.” She bent her neck down to the level of the younger princess and spoke in a quiet voice. “Personally, I think they were just having a bit of fun.” Author's Note Thanks for reading! This is based on a silly story I dreamt up, one sunny day, while lying back on White Horse Hill watching clouds. I then forgot about it until I watched the French version of Hearth's Warming Eve and wondered if could write a historical pony story with the humour of the Asterix comic books (I love the way the pegasi are dressed as Roman legionaries). It evolved from there. I hope the cryptic jokes and quirky references were not too distracting. History of Pony Art:
Equestria GamesAmong military commanders, it is a well-known phenomenon that an army will go soft if it passes too long a time period without seeing any real action. Nowhere is this transformation quicker, and surer, than where your army consists of a herd of pastel coloured winged ponies, camped in fluffy white clouds above a land of cute little unicorns, and cheerful earth ponies who make rather good cider. Imperator Perfectus Tempestas Hurricane, Commander of the Pegasus Legion, realized very soon after the start of the Great Friendship Between Ponies, that the Pax Equestria would last. There was no going back. She watched as her once elite fighting force let their armour rust, and idled their time away flying races, playing games, weaving rainbows, carving snowflakes, and generally having fun with friends. She was happy for them. Was not the whole point of fighting to win peace and security for those whom you love? And yet a part of her felt sad and missed the days when the Pegasi were a mighty warrior tribe. She needed something to do. A task to focus her attention, and keep her mind sharp now that she had no campaigns to plan, nor battles to fight, nor fighting regiments to inspect. But what could she do? The answer came to her in a flash of inspiration one morning in the ides of September. She would write her memoires. She would compile a Commentary on the Equestrian Wars. The definite history of the tribulations of the pony tribes and the final triumph of friendship. In an excited mood, she dressed up in the full armour and crested helmet regalia of her post, and summoned Private Pansy, who had the neatest hoofwriting of all the legionaries. “You wanted to see me Commander?” asked the timid pegasus on arrival at the central command room. “Yes Private, and I wish you to take down a dictation.” The junior legionary picked up a stylus in her mouth and sat by a slab of cloud ready to write. Commander Hurricane flew back and forth, a few inches above the floor, between the cumulus tuba columns supporting the ceiling strata. “Equestria est omnis divisa in partes tres,” began the dictator. “All Equestria is divided in three parts. One of which the Pegasi inhabit, the Unicorns another, and the Earth Ponies the third. Of these tribes, the Pegasi are the bravest, under the command of Hurricane. Among the Unicorns, Platinum is sovereign. Of the Earth Ponies, Puddinghead is the most distinguished and powerful. In seasons past, the three tribes contended with one another in almost daily battles. Hurricane, seeking due remuneration for services bestowed on the other tribes, conducted her army towards the agreed meeting place...” Private Pansy dutifully inscribed the commander's commentary, as Hurricane continued her third pony narrative, staring straight ahead, helmeted brow held high. “...It was decided the three tribes should meet at the bank of the river. Hurricane stationed the legion three stadia to the north, and one above ground, and proceeded to the conference accompanied by ten ponies. Hurricane opened her speech by outlining all the favours the Pegasi had shown towards the Unicorns and Earth Ponies. Imperator... Imperatrix...” She paused, searching for the right word. “Should I use the masculine or feminine noun? Can you help me out Private?” “Oh... I decline sir.” “Imperator Hurricane,” continued the commander, “nunc triumphat qui subegit Equestriam...” “Sir!” “Don't interrupt Private, I'm in mid flow.” Pansy opened her mouth fully and dropped the stylus on the cloud floor. “But sir, maybe we could take a break now, sir!” “But we've only just started!” “But Commander, your dry commentary is sucking the moisture out of the clouds. We need to let the walls recover before you bring the roof down.” Hurricane looked around and saw that the cloud columns were indeed looking rather more nebulous than usual. “Okay,” she replied, “we need to leave anyway. There's an important debate in the Senate this afternoon. We need to decide on the appropriate title for the pony tribe leaders. Senator seems most appropriate, but I would also settle for Patrician, Magistrate or Equite.” The two ponies left the command cloud and flew off over the camp. The central high security zone was built to military precision with multiple strata supported by cloud columns, topped by rainbow banners. This contained the praetorium, the wing-officers’ quarters, and the bath house, surrounding a central forum. The rest of the camp was a less regular array of clouds housing the legionaries and civilian pegasi. Hurricane, Pansy, and a small group of pegasi guards flew over the outer palisade, out of the clouds and across the wider countryside. Below them they could see the woods, hills, small rivers, pastures and scattered farmsteads which characterized the territory, on the edge of a large forest. The First Equestrian Triumvirate: Princess Platinum, Commander Hurricane, and Chancellor Puddinghead, had selected a valley surrounded by rolling hills in the centre of their new country as the site for the capital. The earth ponies had quickly established farms throughout the valley, and erected barns, houses, and taverns. There was now a thriving village. The unicorns had started construction of an impressive castle complex on the high ground to one side of the valley, while the pegasi military camp was pitched in the clouds on the other side. The pegasus commander wanted the Equestrian Senate to be a classical circular theatre with many tiered platforms where the pony masses could assemble and hear the inspirational speeches of their great leaders. The unicorn princess, however, desired a palace of gothic towers with separate chambers for the different aristocratic ranks. The earth pony chancellor envisaged a giant glass pudding-shaped dome, supported by a mirrored ice cream cone. Pending a decision on this matter, the leaders had commandeered rooms in the White Horse Inn, a timber framed tavern on the south side of the village, for their private meetings. Ejected from their usual watering hole by the political class, the regular drinkers had rolled the cider barrels across the street to a pasture known as the Turf, where they relaxed with tankards and friends on the grass. The pegasi landed by the unicorn and earth pony delegations, who were waiting outside the White Horse. This included Princess Platinum; her assistant, the unicorn scholar Clover the Clever; Chancellor Puddinghead; her secretary Smart Cookie; and a small number of earth pony and unicorn guards. “Hail Hurricane!” cried Chancellor Puddinghead. “As you wish,” said Hurricane. She shot back up in the sky, and returned with a black cloud, which she shook above their heads to deliver a localized hailstorm. “Stop that!” cried Puddinghead. “I just meant, Hello!” “Oh,” said Hurricane. She kicked the cloud to one side. “Hello Puddinghead! Hi Platinum!” “If you please, Commander,” replied the princess, “I prefer to be addressed as, 'Your Highness'.” “Her Royal Highness, Platinum Cheval de Bataille, Princess Regnant of the Unicorn Ponies,” announced the guard standing to her left. The other guard, on her right, proudly raised a hoof to salute the monarch. “Long to reign over us!” he shouted. A pegasus above took the cue and delivered a rain shower over the unicorn delegation. Hurricane and Puddinghead both burst out laughing, while the guards levitated an umbrella over their sovereign. Princess Platinum gave the commander an icy stare, while silently repeating to herself what her governess had told her about being a princess when she was a little filly. “Commander. If you please. Control your ponies,” she said coldly. “Rein them in!” added Puddinghead, “before they precipitate a diplomatic incident.” “Okay Nimbostratus. Enough!” Hurricane shouted up to the raincloud. The rain stopped. Clover the Clever, Private Pansy, and Smart Cookie exchanged worried glances waiting for further trouble. But Princess Platinum decided it would not suit her royal dignity to comment on the weather. She raised her head and horn high in the air. “Now that we three Premiers are all here...” “Senators!” interrupted Hurricane. “Burghers!” shouted Puddinghead. Platinum closed her eyes and silently counted to four before continuing. “Now that we are all assembled, the upper chamber of the Equestrian Parliament...” “Senate!” “Horse-meet!” The princess counted to four again. “We can begin the session. Clover the Clever, you may wait for me here.” The three tribal principals walked into their closed meeting. Once the door had closed, their assistants and guards let out a collective sigh of relief. “Cider anyone?” said Smart Cookie. The ponies walked across the street to the Turf, and were soon sat on the grass, sipping cider from wooden tankards. “So how long d'yer reckon it will take for the big ponies to decide if they're to be Senators, Statesponies, Premier-Pony-Burghers, or whatever?” Cookie asked her friends. “They usually argue for about an hour,” said Clover, “then the Chairponies get hungry and wrap things up quickly.” The others nodded in agreement. “This is good stuff,” said Pansy, licking the cider foam off her muzzle. “It's been a good year,” replied Cookie, “new trees fruiting already, and the pegasi have done a great job controlling the weather.” “Thank you,” replied Pansy, “but really, we don't do much at all. We just rearrange the clouds when things get out of order.” “All the same, it's amazing how much smoother things have been since our three Prime Ministers agreed that we should work together.” “That's true,” agreed Clover. “Hey! In a few months it will be one year since that frightful night in the cave.” “One year since the founding of Equestria! We should mark the occasion!” said Cookie. “We should hold a party!” cried Pansy. “That's a great idea,” replied the earth pony. “We can prepare all sort of fancy food and drinks.” “And invite all our friends!” “And play lots of games!” The three friends slapped their hooves together in enthusiasm, then sat back smiling. Clover took a sheet and paper and quill out of her saddle bag and started taking notes. “I guess we should write this up into a formal proposal and take it across to the White Horse to get the Presidents' approval.” “I just hope they haven't been quarrelling too much again,” said Cookie. “They always come around in the end.” With a plop, something fell into Clover's cider tankard. Puzzled, she parted the liquid by magic, and levitated two white cubes onto the tree stump they were using as a table. A pegasus stallion jumped off a cloud which was floating above them and flew down to the ground. “Have you seen our dice?” Clover levitated the dice under his hooves. His face brightened into a big grin. “Hey – VI – VI – double six – look at that Cirrocumulus!” Another winged legionary looked over the edge of the cloud and shook his head. “Doesn't count Nimbostratus – she touched the dice – interference with play.” “You can't back out now. Alea jacta est. She just lifted them out of her cider.” “But she could have changed it.” Clover looked up at the challenger and said, “I performed a simple linear levitation. No angular rotation.” “There,” said Nimbostratus. Cirrocumulus flew down to the ground to confront him. “How do I know that's true? She used some freaky magic there!” At this, one of Platinum's guards jumped up and stuck his horn between the two pegasi. “A unicorn mare would not tell a falsehood. Certainly not over a silly game,” he said aggressively. “Calm down Iridium Flare,” said Clover. “You keep out of this,” said Nimbostratus, “this is a wing officers' discussion.” “I am a knight-cadet of the House of Platinum,” replied the unicorn, “I will not be spoken to like that by a feather brained...” Before he could say any more, one of the pegasi had slapped a hoof in his face. He responded by magically seizing the two winged ponies and bashing their heads together. Several further pegasus legionaries then dived out of the clouds and tackled him to the ground. They were promptly charged by the rest of the unicorn guard. The earth pony soldiers were soon swept into the action, and the scene was enveloped in a cloud of grey dust. At this point the three enlightened rulers of Equestria came out of the White Horse. “Hey! What's going on?” cried Chancellor Puddinghead. “It's a punch-up!” cried an earth pony, galloping away from the ruckus. She dived behind a barrel, which was promptly hit by a flying horseshoe. “They're serving punch! Nopony invited me!” shouted the chancellor. She jumped onto a tree stump, then propelled herself into the fight. A pegasus pony was ejected from the brawl and thrown backward, landing – wings outstretched – at Hurricane's hooves. The commander stared down at her sternly. “What started this, legionary?” “Those unicorns went and picked a fight!” whimpered the soldier. “What!” she cried. She flapped her wings and rose into the air, narrowed her eyes, adjusted her helmet, then zoomed into the fight. Princess Platinum threw her cloak to one side. “I disapprove of such ruffian behaviour. However,” she announced, “a princess will never abandon her subjects!” She charged at full speed into the action. The brawl continued for about three minutes, until all ponies had received sufficient knocks about the head that they could no longer remember what the fight was about. The crowd then dispersed to quiet corners to lick their wounds and search for more cider. Iridium Flare stood on three hooves at the centre of the dirt arena looking disoriented. “Has anyone seen my shoe?” he asked. Throughout this incident, Pansy, Clover and Cookie had remained sitting on the grass holding on to their cider mugs. Clover gave Pansy an anxious smile. “So... Is dice popular among pegasi?” she asked. “Oh yes!” replied Pansy, “everyone in the legion plays dice. It helps to pass the time while on sentinel duty. There are many different games, some with two dice, some three, some six. We usually play for small stakes – usually hailstones or snowflakes.” “What sort of games do unicorns play?” asked Smart Cookie. Clover smiled. “We play Unicorn Chess,” she said. “What's that?” The unicorn grinned, opened her saddle bag, and took out a wooden box and a black and white chequered board, which she laid on the tree stump. She opened the box and levitated a set of painted wooden figures onto the board. “This is the new Equestria Variation. It's my own invention,” she said proudly. “The pieces move in different ways. The small ones are foals – they move forwards one square at a time; the earth ponies pieces move in straight lines along any rank or file; then there are the unicorns, which can move an even number of squares along the rank and file, or an odd number along the diagonals; and the pegasi, which move an odd number along the rank and file, and an even number along the diagonals, and can fly over another piece in their path. In the centre we have the magicians, who can apparate to any square on the board provided the number of steps along the shortest path back to its origin is not a prime number. The crown can only move one square at a time and must be protected by other pieces. The objective of the game is to block your opponents crown so she can only move onto a square of the opposite colour.” “Would you like to play a game?” she asked her two friends, smiling hopefully. “Err... okay,” replied Smart Cookie. Clover set up the pieces on the board. Seeing this, Princess Platinum walked over to join them, flanked by her personal guard – Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy. “Be warned, Clover is rather clever at this game,” she said, “permit us to advise you on the best moves.” “Err... thanks,” replied Cookie. At first the game seemed relatively straightforward. Cookie moved the pieces as Clover had explained. She felt she had understood the basics, and had some idea where the game was going. However, things quickly got a bit more complicated. “You should move that foal forward two squares,” said Iridium. “I thought they only moved one at a time.” “Except when they are within a line of sight of the crown, then they can move twice as far,” he replied. Clover nodded. “That's the en trottant rule. Sorry I didn't have time to explain everything.” “Now, I would move your pegasus back, as it looks like Clover is going to try a Diagonal Saddle Attack,” said Iridium. “You need to close the gap in your defences.” “No, that would be impossible,” said Platinum. “You should move the unicorn forward to protect your crown. Then you're well positioned to take advance of the Sinister Shield Rule.” Cookie decided instead to move her earth pony to one side. “Oh, you're doing a Stable Block Defence. Good idea. Now you can take two extra moves with your magician,” said Iridium. “I thought we were playing by the Standard Court Rules?” said Platinum. “But with the Equestria Line Extension, surely?” replied Iridium. “Oh, in that case she would do better to try Starswirl's Counter Gambit, to shore up the defence and bring the stronger pieces forward.” Smart Cookie let her advisers argue over her head about the best strategy to counter the Reverse Equine Lateral Manoeuvre which Clover had followed, and whether this should be allowed at all under the Horseshoe Handicap Rule. She pushed her pieces around feeling a bit lost, until Clover announced, “I think we've reached a Stablemate Draw.” “How come?” asked Cookie. “We've created an Impenetrable Bridle Line,” she replied, “so neither side can win from this position. I need to reformulate the Equestria Variant rules. It has a tendency to lead to situations like this.” “I said you should have followed the Sinister Shield Strategy,” said Platinum. “I guess Unicorn Chess is a bit of an acquired taste,” said Clover. She packed her wooden figures back in the box and replaced it in her saddle bag. “Have earth ponies invented any good games?” “We sure have,” replied Cookie, “take for example, Aunt Sally.” “What games did she invent?” “Aunt Sally is the name of the game, not a pony.” “So how does one play, Aunt Sally?” enquired Platinum. Smart Cookie grinned, then trotted off the Turf, and returned carrying a bundle of sticks. She then hammered a metal spike into the ground with a hoof, and balanced a wooden skittle on top of this. Then she paced out a distance away from this, and drew a line in the dirt. “Okay, take a stick,” she explained, “and from behind the line, ye throw it at the dolly, trying to knock it off, without hitting the spike. Like this.” She picked up a stick in her teeth, tossed it into the air, then kicked hard with a hind hoof so it sailed across the lawn and struck the skittle in the middle, knocking it to the ground. Commander Hurricane flew over her shoulder and surveyed the setup, looking unimpressed. “Is that all?” she said. “It's not as easy as it looks,” said Cookie, “we play it in legs. In which each player gets six sticks, and whoever gets the most hits wins.” Chancellor Puddinghead cantered over to the group, and gave Cookie a big smile. “Are you playing Aunt Sally? Can I play? Canna? Canna? Can we form a team?” she said while hopping up and down on the spot. “Err. I guess so.” “Yeah! Fig Roll! Spotted Dick! Get over her!” A broad red stallion and a small white and brown dappled colt trotted over to join her. Commander Hurricane called in reinforcements: “Private Pansy, Nimbostratus, Cirrocumulus!” Princess Platinum raised a royal hoof to summon Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy to her side. “Err, maybe we should form mixed teams,” suggested Cookie, “ye know, as some of us have more experience than the rest...” “Hey – we can manage, we know about flight, it'll be plain sailing,” said Commander Hurricane. “Yeah. Earth Ponies verses Unicorns and Pegasi! Let's see who's the best!” cried Puddinghead. “We shall see,” said Platinum. Smart Cookie shook her head slowly while the ponies all lined up ready for play. “Oh just one thing,” said the chancellor, narrowing her eyes and staring at the other two team captains, “the rule is to release the stick from behind the line. No using magic or wings to direct it beyond that. And no stick tampering!” “Of course,” replied the unicorn. “No problem,” said the pegasus. Once the game began, it was soon clear that Smart Cookie had been quite correct in the assessment that it was not as easy as it looked. The unicorns played the first leg, launching their sticks by a levitation and linear acceleration spell. They soon realized that only the slightest error in alignment could see a stick fly well to the side of the dolly. After a few throws, Clover the Clever discovered that by setting the stick spinning in the horizontal plane, she could significant boost the chance of a hit. Overall the team managed a score of seven. Next round was the pegasi. Private Pansy scored two hits, by hovering above the ground and tossing the sticks with two hooves. Cirrocumulus and Nimbostratus then tried flying at speed and releasing the stick just before the line, so it continued towards the target. Commander Hurricane adopted the same strategy, but from a higher and more distant starting point, allowing her to accelerate to full speed before releasing the projectile. She then spread her wings to soar over the target. Overall the pegasi scored eight. “But she was definitely over the line when she let go of the last one,” muttered Iridium Flare. The earth pony team were completely unfazed by the competitors, lying on the grass with their muzzles in tankards of cider. Once it was their turn, they got to their hooves and moved into position. Each pony had his or her own preferred style for throwing the stick. Fig Roll threw it into the air with his teeth, then head-butted it forwards with considerable success. Spotted Dick launched it over his head with a single foreleg swing. Smart Cookie had perfected the toss-and-kick manoeuvre she had demonstrated earlier. Finally the chancellor took each move very seriously, first building a small pile of mud on the ground, and placing the stick on top. She then positioned herself behind this, facing backwards in line with the target; bent her head down and stared between her four legs, doing a lot of hoof shuffling to get the right alignment. Once she was satisfied, she bucked the stick with considerable energy. This way she achieved five direct hits, and embedded one stick in the wattle and daub wall of the White Horse. She was the undisputed champion of Aunt Sally. Overall the earth ponies had achieved a score of sixteen, and celebrated victory with another round of cider. Puddinghead leapt into the air, performed a series of cartwheels, then climbed onto Fig Roll’s back to proclaim to the world, “We are the greatest! Equestrian masters of Aunt Sally!” “I thought you said this would be plain sailing,” said Cirrocumulus to Hurricane. “Errare equinum est,” muttered the commander, sticking her nose in a mug of cider, “but we still beat the unicorns!” “Only because you cheated!” Palladium Alloy shouted, pointing his horn at the commander. “We did never,” cried Cirrocumulus. “Yes you did! We all saw how you hung on to your sticks until you were well past the line.” “We play fair,” bellowed Hurricane, “we don't do any freaky reverse swing bowling. We certainly don't cheat at a silly earth pony game.” “Don't you insult Aunt Sally!” cried Chancellor Puddinghead. Commander Hurricane was hit in the face by a pumpkin, directed by a well-aimed kick from Spotted Dick. Palladium Alloy was drenched by a sudden rainstorm from a small black cloud which had appeared above his head. With his mane plastered in front of his eyes he lunged forward taking a swipe at the commander, but instead hit Iridium Flare, who turned around and punched a hoof at Fig Roll. The kerfuffle continued along predictable lines. Smart Cookie, Private Pansy and Clover the Clever, picked up their ciders and retreated a safe distance to let it run its course. “Seems the only game that we can all play as equals is a pony punch-up,” said Cookie. “Indeed,” replied Clover. “Shall we meet in the Griffin and Foal this evening for dinner?” “Yes, let's do that.” Once the dust had settled, the three pony tribes parted company. Clover, Palladium, Iridium and Platinum walked back towards the unicorn castle together. “There must be a game which all ponies can play and enjoy together,” said Clover, “when I get back, I'm going to search through the library and see if I can't find a record of one.” “As you wish, Clover the Clever. Personally, when I get back, I want a hot bath, with extra lavender and jasmine salts,” said the princess. Soon they reached the castle walls. Princess Platinum had spent many hours discussing the design of the fortification with the unicorn stonemasons and construction was now well underway. It had to conform to expectations of medieval military architecture, with a high curtain wall topped by parapets, surrounding a central keep with turrets with conical roofs. This provided an almost impenetrable defence against enemy attack. As making a good first impression to visitors was a high priority, Platinum had paid extra attention to the design and construction of the entranceway. This was reached by a drawbridge, flanked by pots of tulips, which bridged a wide ditch. The long term plan was to create a water filled moat with lilies and golden carp, but they were still dealing with a few leaks. The gatehouse had heavily ornamented stonework, surrounding a wooden door with a carved motif of unicorns and flowers, below the shiny Platinum crest and hanging baskets of fuchsias and pelargoniums. In the centre of the door was a solid brass knocker; to one side was a handsome multi-stranded bell-rope. “Use the knocker, Palladium Alloy,” commanded the sovereign. “I haven't yet found a suitable bell to attach to the bell-rope.” Palladium dutifully hammered on the knocker. “Why do we need both a knocker and a bell-rope?” asked Clover. “To make a good impression to our visitors of course,” replied the princess, “the door to the Unicorn Royal House must show a bit more than your common pony dwelling... Or do you think it might be a bit too much?” “I think the knocker alone would suffice,” replied Clover. “You may be right,” said Platinum, staring thoughtfully her entranceway. “Why is nopony answering the door?” “It hasn't asked us anything,” said Palladium. Princess Platinum gave him a cold stare. “Who was the pony assigned to guard the door this afternoon?” she asked. “That would be me.” “So why are you out here with the rest of us?” “Well everyone else was going down the Turf, and I thought, no point guarding an empty castle, and went with them.” “So how do we get in?” “Oh, it’s not locked,” he replied, and pushed the door open with a hoof to show that this was true. “So why did you just hammer on the knocker?” “Your Highness asked me to,” replied the obedient servant. The princess let out a sigh as they entered the castle. “Be so good as to heat the water for my bath and bring it to my chamber,” she said to Palladium. Clover ran off down a stone staircase which lead to the castle basements. Underneath the castle towers, she had used her magic to excavate a series of caverns in the hillside. She had then lined these with bookshelves and filled them with all the ancient tomes and scrolls she had managed to salvage from the library of the old unicorn kingdom. It had all got into a terrible state of disorder during the move, and she now spent most of her evenings working through the piles of books, reshelving the collections, and compiling a new catalogue. There was an entire room just containing the unsorted papers of Starswirl the Bearded. “Games, games, games,” she said to herself, “there must be a book on games ponies play somewhere here.” She trotted up to her desk, on the way knocking the twenty volume stack of the 'Rules of Unicorn Chess' to the floor. Then she levitated the papers covering the desktop into the air to search for the catalogue. She eventually found it under a copy of her mentor's 'Enchantments for spiral galaxy formation and facial hair grooming'. After finding nothing in the unfinished index, she resorted to a timeless unicorn scholars' tactic of levitating books into view one by one, reading the titles, and then dropping them into a discard pile. An hour later she had found a few promising titles, but none of these led to a breakthrough. They just confirmed what she had learnt that afternoon: pegasi enjoyed throwing dice; unicorns preferred games with intricately carved figures and complicated rules; and earth ponies liked chucking large pieces of wood around. There was no mention of a game which all ponies could enjoy. She found a promising reference on an ancient scroll, and spent another hour translating an account of something called 'papyrus, stone, shears', but it seemed to have been written by a non-hoofed creature and she couldn't understand how it was played. After three hours of fruitless search, she wandered up to the castle hall. She found the princess giving Iridium and Palladium an embroidery lesson. “Lie the golden yarn across the cloth, then tie it firmly to the fabric with a series of small stitches... carefully does it... no... let me rethread your needle for you.” She caught sight of the unicorn scholar. “Ah Clover, are you any good at backstitch and laid work? These two don't seem able to get the hang of it.” “Sorry Your Highness. What are you making?” Platinum spread out the cloth showing an image of an earth pony outlined in black thread and filled in with coloured yarn. It was almost complete, missing only the tail. “That's magnificent,” exclaimed Clover. On the floor behind her, Clover saw the princess had laid out a series of fabric panels, each the same size. They were embroidered with pictures of unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies, together with trees, hills and clouds; as well as a few snowstorms and exotic creatures. “Once these are complete, we shall sew them all together, and hang the tapestry all around the hall. It will be a lasting monument to our history, depicting the exodus from our homeland, the union of the three tribes, and the foundation of Equestria.” “That will look amazing.” Suddenly Clover the Clever had a brainwave. “Could I borrow this, Your Highness?” she asked, laying a hoof on the unfinished cloth, “and some pins?” “Yes of course, Clover my dear. Let me get you some yarn as well and maybe you could...” But the young scholar was already cantering out of the hall with the tapestry. Reaching the gatehouse, she stuffed the cloth into a saddle bag, and on leaving the castle, took down the redundant bell-rope. She then ran off, over the drawbridge and down to the village. The Griffin and Foal was an inn on the north side of the village, popular with all types of ponies due to its good food and delicious flower cordials. Clover rushed through the door and found Pansy and Cookie were already tucking into a large meal of oatcakes, carrot and apple flan with a dandelion and daisy salad set out on a wooden table. “I've got it!” cried Clover, once she had recovered her breath. “Got what?” asked Cookie, with a mouth full of oatcake. “A game that we can all play together. Let me teach you how to play ‘Pin the Tail on the Pony’.” Taking the embroidered cloth out of her saddlebag, she pinned it onto the wooden panelled wall. She then stuck a pin through the bell-rope, and picked out another plain piece of cloth. “Okay, you go first Cookie. First I blindfold you...” Cookie felt a blindfold magically wrap itself around her head. “Err...” she said. “I'll spin you around,” said Clover, levitating the pony into the air and setting her spinning for a moment before putting her down. “Now, you take the tail.” Clover thrust the head of the pin holding the bell-rope between her friend’s teeth. “Now just walk forwards and pin it on the picture!” Cookie stumbled forwards and hit the wall somewhat sooner than she expected, jabbing the pin through the cloth and into the wood. Amid cries of laughter and applause, Clover removed the blindfold and she saw she had pinned the tail onto the pony's stomach. Private Pansy clapped her hooves together with excitement. “Can I go next!” she cried. After Pansy had pinned the rope on the pony’s nose, they had attracted the attention of all the other ponies in the room, who were equally keen to participate. Once Clover had spun around and directed the last blindfolded volunteer to the tapestry, the early players had run out to tell their friends about the new game. Soon a new herd of curious participants had arrived. And once this group had finished, the news had spread throughout the village. Later that evening, Commander Hurricane was dashing between the clouds above the valley searching for her officers. To her surprise the camp was deserted, so she flew down to the village expecting to find them there. Instead the streets were almost empty. She found Chancellor Puddinghead pacing the dirt road alone. “Hi Hurricane, where is everypony? The village seems to be a ghost town.” “Just what I was going to ask you.” “Do you think it's zombies?” she said, hopping up and down hopefully. They turned the corner, and heard a loud cheer coming from the Griffin and Foal. “Or maybe they all just went down the pub.” They walked into the tavern and found the building packed full of every type of pony, some standing on tables or perched among rafters. Everypony was watching the centre of the room, where a unicorn with a bandage wrapped around her head, and a frayed piece of rope at the end of her horn, was advancing towards a banner pinned to the wall bearing the image of a tail-less pony. “What's going on,” enquired the chancellor to the nearest pony. “It's a new game,” he explained, “just watch!” The unicorn pinned the rope on the rear of the embroidered pony and another cheer erupted from the crowd. As the player removed her blindfold they saw it was Princess Platinum. “Well played Your Highness,” said Clover the Clever, “that was very close.” The princess smiled happily, “I didn't know you were going to use my needlework in this way,” she said to Clover. “But this is fun.” From the back of the room Chancellor Puddinghead shouted, “I wanna play!” and fought her way to the front using the crowd control tactics she had mastered at political rallies. Commander Hurricane leapt into the air, flying over the crowd, and almost beat her to the centre of the room. Puddinghead pushed forward to take the rope but was stopped by Smart Cookie. “I'm afraid you'll have to wait Chancellor. We have a long queue of ponies waiting their turn.” So Puddinghead and Hurricane joined Platinum at the bar counter and sipped mugs of elderflower cordial, while watching other ponies play the game. By the time their turn arrived, there was another type of pony tail queuing out of the tavern door waiting for a chance to play. While many of those who had already had their turn, were staying, hoping for a second or third round. Clover left them to it and retreated to a quiet corner where Pansy and Cookie were talking together. “That was amazing Clover,” said Cookie, “you found a game which everyone enjoys, and plays together without any fighting. And it's so simple.” “That's why it works,” explained Clover. “It's not about strength, skill or competition. It's just about friends having fun.” “You've even got our three Herd Heads laughing together like true friends,” said Cookie, watching Platinum, Puddinghead and Hurricane joking together on the other side of the room. Late in the evening, long after an impromptu proposal for an extension of pub licensing hours was unanimously approved by the premiers, the ponies finally grew tired of tail pinning and the party broke up. Clover, Cookie, Pansy and the Head Horses lingered together chatting. Commander Hurricane talked about her plans for her commentary. “I need a precise, elegant, conclusion to the book. Something with class and grace, which will be recorded in all the history books and taught in schools. How about, 'Veni Vidi Vici'?” “But you didn't conquer anything Commander. Equestria was founded in peace and friendship,” said Platinum. “It was a kind of conquest,” mused Smart Cookie, “in which we all won, and nopony lost.” "How about, 'Venimus Vidimus Fecimus Amicitiam'?" suggested Pansy. “That's not so catchy.” “But much more friendly.” They raised their tankards and downed the last of the cordial. “What did you decide to call the Heads of Pony Houses in the end?” Clover asked Platinum. “Oh,” replied Platinum, “we decided to postpone that decision. It seems clear to me that the obvious title is Equine Premier; but I could also accept Dauphine, or even Maire. But for some reason none of these were acceptable.” “What's wrong with Senator, Patrician, or Magistrate?” said Hurricane. “Or Burgher, Sheriff, or Apple-Puff-Ritter?” shouted Puddinghead. The three Horse Heads glared at one another aggressively. “Okay,” said Clover, “let’s leave that for another day. I’m exhausted. How much do we each owe the landlady?” “Four pegasos,” said Hurricane. “Four unicoins,” said Platinum. “Four bucks,” said Puddinghead. They each counted out four identical sized gold coins onto the table. “We should really have a common Equestrian currency,” said Platinum. “Let’s call it the equ.” “The quid?” said Hurricane. “The Equestrian Equity Quantization Unit.” Smart Cookie swept up the coins with her hoof. “How about, the bit,” she said.
A Friend in MeadThree pony tribes each alike in dignity In fair Equestria where we lay our scene From ancient grudge rise to new amity Yet quarrels remain and trust is unseen From forth the brains of these old foes A merry game of pin the tail takes life Whose mispinned posterior overthrows Do with laughter bury their leaders' strife The continuing passage of their hard won love Towards a final equine artistic glory A sign of friendship from earth to clouds above Is the final chapter of my story But first a tale of puddings and mead And this I hope you will take time to read The Earth Pony Chancellery was a three storey building near the centre of the village, on a street which had become known as Pudding Lane. Most of the village houses were built with wattle and daub walls and thatched roofs. However following an unfortunate incident involving an overheating oven and blocked chimney, the original timber framed chancellery had been rebuild in stone, and topped with a tiled roof. In addition to its administrative functions, the building contained a large banqueting hall, for the Pudding parties; extensive cellars to store the produce of the pony farms; and the kitchens. The entire ground floor was set aside for preparing food. Here wood burning ovens were kept hot for baking bread, cakes and puddings; long tables were set aside for preparing fruit and vegetables; and large presses and vats were used for cider making. Chancellor Plum Duff Puddinghead, elected leader of the Earth Pony tribe, made it part of her weekly schedule to spend Tuesday mornings in the kitchens inventing new puddings, cakes, pastries and other sweet desserts. In preparation for this, the kitchen ponies spend Monday afternoon grinding wheat, boiling sugar beet and preparing any other ingredients which the head chef required. They were then too exhausted the following morning to interfere with anything she did. She summoned her secretary to write down the recipe. Smart Cookie started work two hours before dawn, in order to have time to manage the Chancellery affairs before dealing with Puddinghead’s daily whims. That morning she had audited the accounts of the outlying farms; agreed the week’s weather schedule with the Pegasi; and completed a stock check in the cellars. She arrived at the kitchens and noted from the chancellor's blackened hooves and face, that there had just been a think-outside-the-box brainstorming session. “Okay Cookie. Today we are going to bake a Puddinghead Super Special Honey Almond Cherry Pine Nut and Apple Upside-down Cake! Pay attention and take down all the details.” She picked up a large tin pudding dish. “What is the first thing we do when baking cakes?” “We wash our hooves,” said Cookie. Puddinghead paused and replaced the pudding dish on the table. “Yes, the first thing we do when baking cakes is to wash our hooves,” she said and walked over to a sink to splash some water on each hoof. “With soap,” added Cookie. With sanitized hooves, the chancellor returned to the table and picked up the dish. “The second thing we do when baking cakes – after we have washed our hooves – is to grease the pudding tin.” She smeared butter over the metal surface. “Next,” she continued, “mix up five cups of flour, two plates of almonds, three bowls of pine nuts, a dish of butter, half a slug of sugar, two dozen eggs, two jugs of honey, a hoof-full of cherries and a few apples. Mix it all together, put it in the tin, sprinkle on some extra flour, and we'll bake it for an hour. You got all that Cookie?” “Perfectly your Chancellorness.” As she worked, Puddinghead made up a song: All you have to do is take a jug of honey Pour it in the tin Now just take a little something sweet and runny Mix in all well in With some sugar and spice, and give it a spin Add a teaspoon of vanilla Add a little more, and invert it on the floor And you never get your fill of... Upside-down cakes! So sweet and tasty! Upside-down cakes! Don't be too hasty! Upside-down cakes! Upside-down cakes! Upside-down cakes! Upside-down cakes! She triumphantly finished the song by throwing the pudding dish in the oven, slamming the cast iron door, and falling back onto a sack of flour, which promptly burst, filling the room with white powder. “A good song,” she said to herself. “It has got a good tune,” said Smart Cookie, as she swept up the flour, “but I think you need to change some of the words. Some of ‘em don't quite fit.” While Cookie cleaned up the kitchen, Puddinghead stared impatiently at an hourglass timer until the last grain of sand fell. Then she ran to the oven, removed the dish, and triumphantly turned it upside-down over the table. A sticky mixture of cake, fruit, nuts and honey fell out, piled up on the surface, and dribbled onto the floor. The chancellor stuck a hoof into the mixture and licked it. “Not bad,” she concluded, “but I'll have to work on this one. It didn't stay together as it should have. Maybe they didn’t prepare the ingredients properly.” She wiped her hoof on a cloth and looked at her secretary. “Okay Smart Cookie, what's for lunch?” “Shall we go to the Griffin and Foal?” In the tavern, the chancellor thrust her snout into a bowl of beans, carrot and lettuce salad, while Smart Cookie read out details of her earlier inventory of the chancellery cellars. “We have plentiful stocks of oats, grain, celery, pumpkin, carrots, onions, and most other vegetables...” “Awesome!” said Puddinghead, without looking up from eating. “Sufficient reserves of sugar, cherries, blackcurrant jam, redcurrant jelly, raspberry syrup...” “Sweet!” “We have enough cider to last another two months, and once we've pressed some more apples, it’ll see us through the winter...” “Press on!” “We’re down to the last few barrels of mead...” “What!” The chancellor’s head shot up and she stared at Smart Cookie with a terrified face, covered in salad dressing and bits of lettuce. “But that should last a few more months...” “It takes at least a few months to properly age. Make some more immediately!” “There's a problem...” “What problem? Mead is easy to make, you just mix water and honey...” “That's the problem. You’ve used up all the honey in your baking experiments.” For a moment Puddinghead was shocked silent. She pondered the political consequences of this turn of events. Then she banged a hoof on the table decisively. “We must find some more. Immediately! I will personally oversee the search.” “That might not be so easy, but I'm sure if we...” “Cookie,” interrupted the chancellor, “as you are just my secretary, you don't understand these things. But as I am Chancellor I can tell the difference between the problems that are just a minor inconvenience, and will be sorted out by my minions in due course, and the things that are really important and demand my immediate attention as leader. And it is of vital importance for security of the Earth Pony tribe and the stability of Equestria that we get some more honey! This afternoon!” She picked up her bowl, licked up the remaining beans and lettuce, and put it back on the table. “What's for dessert?” she asked. After finishing lunch, Chancellor Puddinghead put on her outdoor coat and boots, and led Smart Cookie, accompanied by Fig Roll and Spotted Dick into the forest on an expedition in search of honey. On her head she balanced a large earthenware jar, in which she planned to collect the honey. As they walked into the forest, she sang one of her election campaign songs: My name is Puddinghead (Hello!) The top earth pony mare (I'm the best!) You're gonna want to vote me in as pony premier No matter what your hue (Hi there!) Or political view (I'm the mare!) 'Cause sweetening up ponies is what Pudding's here to do 'Cause I make the greatest mead, mead, mead Yes I do That sweetness on your tongue is what you need Yes it is So collect your complementary mead, mead, mead Welcome to the Pudding Club Take a water and honey mix (Free mead!) And leave it to mature (I'll lead!) It makes a beverage so fine you'll all love it I'm sure (Vote Pud!) But if you'd like some more (You should!) Then you will have to choose Pudding as your leader and what have you got to lose? Remember how it tastes so sweet, sweet, sweet Yes it does So get up on the hustings make it fleet Cheer for Puddinghead it's sweet, sweet, sweet And I'll fill you with good mead Come on everypony... “Halt!” She stopped abruptly in mid song and pointed a hoof in the air. Looking upwards, on a dead branch at the very top of a tall oak tree, they saw a large bees' nest. “Honey!” cried the expedition leader. “That ain't very accessible,” commented Smart Cookie. “We must get it,” proclaimed the leader. She looked at her three subordinates. “A volunteer to climb the tree and get the honey!” Nopony volunteered. “Err... Chancellor,” said Cookie, “ponies don't climb trees.” The chancellor looked at Spotted Dick and Fig Roll but they just shook their heads. “Okay,” she said, “we'll just have to buck it out!” She backed up to the tree and gave the trunk a mighty Aunt-Sally-winning kick. A few leaves fell out of the lower branches. “Do I have to do everything myself, lend a hoof!” The four ponies repeatedly bucked the base of the tree. This caused a slight vibration in the upper reaches, and after a short while a few bees buzzed down to see what the fuss was about, and then went home to tell the hive not to worry – just a bunch of crazy ponies doing gymnastics. “We ain't getting anywhere this way,” said Cookie, “this tree is a mite bigger than our apples. Maybe we should ask a pegasus to fly up there, or a unicorn...” “Time for Plan Bee,” cried Puddinghead, “I'm going to find a pegasus to fly up there; or a unicorn to do some magic. You stay here and guard the tree!” She galloped off along the forest track. As the pegasi were out of reach in the clouds, the chancellor decided to ask the unicorns first. She cantered up to the castle gatehouse and hammered on the door with the ornamental knocker. The door was soon opened by Princess Platinum herself. “Good afternoon Chancellor. To what do I owe the pleasure?” The earth pony stretched her forehooves forwards bending down to the ground while looking up into the unicorn's face. “Your Highness,” she began, “we have mead of your assistance in a sticky situation. A delicate matter of great importance.” “One is always ready to help our Equestrian allies, but for what cause?” The chancellor looked first to the left and right to check nopony was spying, then reached up the unicorn's height and whispered in her ear, “Honey!” The princess gave a small sigh. “Very well." She turned her head and called into the castle interior, “Clover the Clever, would you accompany me please?” As they walked into the forest, Puddinghead explained the full importance of the mission to the fellow tribal warden. “Mead is the essential spirit to ensure cooperation and friendship among ponies. It's the butter that greases the hooves of the pony proletariat and oils the machinery of intertribal diplomacy. It is the indispensable Element of Harmony. If our mead supply were to run dry then all of Equestria would fall into eternal chaos. There would be riots, rebellion, revolution! Shall I sing a song about it?” “One would hate for that to happen.” After they had arrived at the tree and surveyed the situation, the princess turned to the young scholar. “Well Clover the Clever, can you seize the nest with your magic and bring it down to our earth pony friends?” Clover cast a trial spell around the bees’ nest, which caused the branch to sway a little. “I don't think that's going to work Your Highness. It seems to be well attached. I need to take a closer look.” “Well can you apparate up there and inspect it?” “I'd rather not, I don't much like heights. But there's another way.” She cast another spell, and all the ponies were thrown to the ground as the oak tree uprooted itself, flew into the air, turned upside-down, and descended to the ground slowly, coming to rest in mid-air, with the dead branch and the bees' nest hovering in front of Clover. Small twigs, leaves, and lumps of mud rained down onto the ponies. Clover inspected the nest. “Apis mellifera,” she said, “as I thought, they built the bulk of the nest inside the hollow branch. Very sensible – they wouldn't want it to fall off in the wind. Amazing honeycomb structure – it’s a perfect array of regular hexagons.” “Don't bug us with a lecture on insect architecture. Let’s just get the honey!” cried Puddinghead. She positioned her jar underneath the nest, then reached up with her fore hooves and vigorously shook it. This failed to produce any honey. Instead a swarm of bees flew out of the nest and buzzed around the group of ponies for a while before settling on Clover's head and body, completely covering her purple coat. “Aargh!” she cried, shaking her head back and forth. As her concentration faltered, the tree swayed in the air, sending further mud, twigs and an old bird's nest falling to the ground. “Watch out Clover! You could hurt someone,” cried Cookie. “Okay, okay, I'll put it back!” The tree righted and replanted itself, and the bees left Clover. She collapsed on the ground exhausted. “Why did they all settle on me?” she cried. “They must think that you're a lavender bush,” said Puddinghead. “She just means that you look and smell very nice,” said Cookie, comforting her friend. “Look – we have some pegasistance!” Puddinghead waved a hoof in the air, and Commander Hurricane flew down and landed by the group, accompanied by Nimbostratus and Cirrocumulus. They were dressed in full armour, and carrying weapons. “What's with the tree suddenly flying up into the air?” she asked. “The chancellor is desperate to recover some honey from the nest at the top of the tree,” Princess Platinum explained. “We were trying to assist her.” Hurricane pointed a hoof at Clover, who was still lying on the ground with her eyes shut. “Is she alright?” “Just a temporary attack of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. She'll be fine,” said Puddinghead. The commander looked up at the bees’ nest. “So you want to carry out a honey raid huh?” she said. “Leave this to the professionals!” She turned to face Nimbostratus and Cirrocumulus. “Okay troops, the enemy is in sight. Pila at the ready. We'll spear the nest and bring it to the ground! Ipso facto et ungula militari.” she gripped a spear between two hooves and turned to face the nest. “Bee careful,” joked Puddinghead. “Charge!” cried the commander. She flew up at full speed directly at the nest. Her blade cut straight through the outer beeswax layers and embedded itself in the wood. The spear impact threw her head over hooves, and conservation of momentum carried her spinning body forwards until she collided with a cloud. Nimbostratus and Cirrocumulus flew to help her. “Are you alright Commander?” “Perfectly,” replied Hurricane. She flew back to the nest to find her spear had cut into an empty honeycomb. She placed her hooves on the branch and tugged at the spear until it came loose sending her into a backwards spin into another tree. “Okay,” she said, gritting her teeth and tightening the grip on her weapon, “let's do this the hard way.” She flew back to the nest and surveyed the dead branch looking for the weakest entry point. Then thrust her spear into a promising crack. At this direct attack, a swarm of bees flew out of the nest and launched an equally direct attack on the aggressor. “Retreat!” shouted the commander, flying away at full speed covered in a layer of angry bees. The insects proved difficult to throw off. First she tried flying at full speed, but they just burrowed deeper into her fur and feathers. She flew under a heavy rainstorm without success. Eventually she spun around and created a tornado, which seemed to shake them out, or maybe by that point they had just decided it was enough and gone home. Having flown all across the valley Hurricane found she was outside her cloud camp, so she flew down to the praetorium to clean up her mane and feathers. “Is everything okay Commander?” asked Private Pansy, looking up from her desk work compiling an index of her superior's commentary. “We have a bee class insurgency in the forest,” replied Hurricane, “but it's under control.” “Oh dear,” replied Pansy, “I'll come over and see if I can help.” “As you wish Private.” They flew over to the forest and found the rest of the ponies sitting at the base of the tree discussing tactics. “What if we smoke them out?” said Puddinghead. “We just need to get a fire going under the nest.” “That could set fire to the entire forest!” said Smart Cookie. The chancellor considered this option. “I'm not sure if caramelized honey makes good mead,” she said, “any other ideas?” “I say we lay siege!” cried Hurricane. “We maintain a day and night blockade, so they can't get any nectar in. They'll soon capitulate and hand over the honey...” “Erm... excuse me,” said Pansy. “Not now Private,” said Hurricane. “This will require a well camouflaged patrol...” “Erm... will this be enough?” Pansy held out a jar three-quarters full of honey. Commander Hurricane stared at her. Her mouth dropped open. “What?... How?... You!... Where?... Honey?...” she spluttered. “I asked if they could spare any. And they agreed.” “You... asked a bees' nest for some honey?” said Platinum. “They were very nice about it,” replied Pansy, “they said they needed to keep some for the winter, but we could take this much. They did request that you abstain from waving sharp pointed objects outside the nest in the future. And they hinted that if you could plant some more of the little purple flowers, which smell so nice, outside the village, they would really appreciate it. It's also getting rather crowded in that nest, so maybe if you built some hives for them, some of them would move in, and I'm sure they would share some more honey.” There was a moment of silence while the ponies took in this unexpected victory. Puddinghead walked up to the jar and sniffed the contents, then her face burst into a grin. “Awesome!” she cried, throwing her hooves around the pegasus legionary. “I knew we could do this with a little help from our friends.” She lifted Pansy into the air with her fore hooves. “Here is a pony who can find a creative solution to a crisis. I bet you can think inside a chimney!” “Erm... I’d rather not,” said Pansy. Princess Platinum smiled. “Good,” she said, “we can go home now.” “This evening,” announced Chancellor Puddinghead, “you are all invited to the chancellery. Where there will be mulled mead. We can all play pin the tail on the pony. And you can try some upside-down cake, and my famous extra sticky toffee pudding!” So that evening, all six friends assembled in the Earth Pony Chancellery to enjoy mugs of hot mulled mead, and slices of apple pie – which Cookie had substituted for alternatives, feeling that she had dealt with enough extra sticky situations for one day. “This mead really is divine,” said Princess Platinum to Puddinghead, “I can understand now why you were so determined to get some more ingredient. Would it be too much to ask for a firkin for the castle cellar?” “Well, Your Highness,” began Puddinghead, “it's a bit complicated. We have to ration it until the next batch is mature. And we can't be seen to favour unicorn princesses over your ordinary down to earth ponies.” “I understand.” “However,” continued the chancellor, “we now need to make some beehives. Maybe if the unicorns could lend a hoof or horn...” “We would be delighted.” Commander Hurricane had climbed on top of a barrel with Fig Roll and Spotted Dick. Together they were singing a song: A true, true friend helps a friend in need A friend will be there to help you see A true, true friend joins a friend in mead And we delight in the wine from the honeybee “By the way,” said Clover, “did you reach agreement on what to call the Equestrian heads of tribe?” “Oh,” replied the princess, “we never did revisit that. But anyway, I suppose it doesn't really matter.” “What's in a name?” said Smart Cookie. “Yeah,” replied Puddinghead, “that which we call a lavender unicorn, by any other mane would smell as sweet.”
Deviant ArtThe unicorn castle hall looked splendid. The stone floor was covered with a thick red carpet. Candles were lit in ornamented holders throughout the room, shedding light on the walls, illuminating Princess Platinum's masterpiece wall hanging. This was made up of twelve squares of cloth sewn together, each richly embroidered, with an intricate pattern around the edge framing beautiful pictures illustrating the story of the founding of Equestria. The room was also displaying further works of art. In the centre were a series of sculptures, and high on the end wall, some older tapestries and portraits of past monarchs which the unicorns had brought from their old home. The princess, dressed in her jewelled crown and requisite royal cape, was unable to stand still, and paced up and down the hall continuously. “Try to relax Your Highness,” implored Clover the Clever. “Everything is ready. The drinks and light refreshments are here, the bards have tuned their lyres, and your artwork is perfectly arranged and illuminated. We're all set to receive our guests.” “I know, I know,” replied Princess Platinum, “I just can't stop worrying about what they will think of it. And what they will say. What if they don't like it? If they come out with some derogatory comment or base joke, I don't think I could cope! I've put so much into that tapestry!” “But they will like it,” pleaded Clover, “it's an amazing, awe inspiring work of art! Everypony who has seen it admires it.” “You mean every unicorn admires it,” rebutted Platinum. “Of course they do. We are a refined cultured herd, who appreciate the fine arts. I know that you understand the amount of work which goes into my craft, even though you choose to spend all your hours in that dusty library. But these pegasi and earth ponies are different. You know how vulgar their tastes are. They won't like it! I know they won't!” She threw herself onto a pile of cushions and raised a hoof to her brow. “They'll just laugh at it. Or ignore it. They won't mean to be cruel, but they won't know how much it means to me! Commander Hurricane will hardly glance at it, and Puddinghead will make a lot of silly jokes!” She pushed her head and horn deeper into the cushion pile. “Why did I ever decide to invite them? I don't know what I was thinking! I just can't face it!” She lifted her head and her gaze fell on a cast bronze pony in the centre of the hall. “Move that out of here! We can't leave it on display! Quickly!” Clover inspected the metal statue. “I can't move it! It must weigh a ton.” “Clover, I have seen you lift a forty-ton tree into the air.” “Well I'm not moving it now. It looks just fine where it is.” “But look at it! The eyes are far too small, the head is absurd, the thing looks as if it has been squashed into a terrible shape, like an anteater crossbreed. And have you ever seen a pony that colour?” “It's an avant-garde portrait sculpture.” “I know that! But the others will look at it and giggle and say, 'Why the long face? What kind of artist thinks ponies look like that?'” There was a knocking at the castle door. “They're here! They're here!” she wailed, “quick – bar the door! Raise the drawbridge! Go up to the battlements and shout down that we've contracted foot-and-mouth and must remain under quarantine for three months!” Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy, who were standing by the door, moved to obey the sovereign. But Clover, who had spent the day developing a political theory of constitutional monarchy, pulled them back by magic, and opened the door. Commander Hurricane, Private Pansy, Chancellor Puddinghead and Smart Cookie entered the castle together. Puddinghead bounded into the hall first, dressed in her ceremonial ruff and pudding hat. She jumped up to greet Princess Platinum grinning wildly. “Hiya ya-highness. How's it going? I really like your cloak. It's real weasel! How'd you get all the little critters to give up their skins? Hey, you've got some punch!” She bounced on to the drinks table leaving the princess smiling weakly. Commander Hurricane entered the hall wearing her shining black armour, which she had spent the afternoon polishing. She removed her crested helmet, shook her mane and looked around the room. Then she walked over to the wall. “Puddinghead,” she called, “take a look at this!” She was standing in front of the tapestry together with Private Pansy and Smart Cookie. The chancellor trotted over to her side. They stared at the first embroidered frame showing a village in the grip of a harsh winter. Strands of woollen yarn tied to the cloth depicted the ground covered with snow, and ponies shivering and fighting over scarce food. Directed by the princess, a dozen unicorns had contributed to the piece, stitching the details of the cold windswept landscape, and the bitter faces of hungry ponies. “That was last winter!” cried Puddinghead. “I remember that,” said Smart Cookie. She shivered at the thought. They turned their heads and looked further along the frieze. The next frame showed a meeting hall with the three clan chiefs stood confronting one another across a table while their fellow ponies looked down from a balcony. “It's us!” shouted the chancellor. “I won't forget that day,” said Hurricane, “we all shouted at each other, and then we had to fight over who would leave the room first.” The next cloth was divided into three parts, showing the earth ponies, unicorns and pegasi departing their homeland. “I'm in this one,” said Pansy pointing out a figure, “and there's Clover, and Cookie!” “The great day of departure on the perilous journey!” cried Puddinghead. The next frame detailed the perils of the journey: pegasi fighting dark monsters in the air; earth ponies navigating treacherous mountains and descending steep snow-covered cliffs; the unicorns wading across a great fast-flowing river. They then moved along the tapestry to the arrival in the new land. “And we landed on Earth!” announced Puddinghead. “Oh it felt so good to get your hooves into that dirt after all the snow!” “Pegasopolis!” said Hurricane with a grin. “Of course you mean Unicornia,” said Platinum, standing behind them. They all giggled together. Smart Cookie and Clover had moved on to the next stitched frame showing the leaders quarrelling. “They weren't so cheerful then. Remember how you tried to calm them down?” she whispered to her friend. “But they wouldn't have any of it,” replied Clover. They were now at the head of the hall, halfway along the length of the embroidered hanging. The next picture showed the return of the wintery weather, and the ponies all taking shelter in the cave. “Remember outlining the territories?” Cookie said to Pansy. “Oh yes.” She smiled at the thought. “That was so silly.” Chancellor Puddinghead jumped ahead to the next frame excitedly, “It's the battle of the rock!” she cried. All ponies crowded around the woven strip showing the three pony leaders fighting. “Remember how we fought over that little stone,” said Platinum. “Oh yes,” replied Hurricane, “you invaded our territory.” They laughed together. The following picture had a colder feel to it, showing the cave entranced blocked, and ice forming around the leaders. The outlines of three windigos were embroidered at the top of the frame. “That wasn't funny,” said Puddinghead, “the ice froze all around my mouth. I was afraid I'd never be able to talk again.” “A real calamity,” said Cookie. “It was really scary,” said Pansy. “It seemed like the end of everything. I remember how we huddled together. And then...” “And then you told us how much you liked Commander Hurricane,” said Cookie. “She's not so bad,” said Pansy quietly. “I was going to say, and then Clover made that amazing magic heart.” “We all made it,” said Clover. “And then you told us that story about the time Commander Hurricane chose a turtle as the mascot for the legion.” “Actually it was a tortoise. And you told us all those funny stories about the trouble Princess Platinum got into at boarding school.” “And Cookie told the one about the time Chancellor Puddinghead invited the donkey returning officer to the post-election party.” “And his false teeth got stuck in the extra sticky toffee pudding!” The three friends fell about on the floor laughing, while the three premiers walked passed to the next frame. “We missed that bit,” said Hurricane, “but I remember the thaw!” This picture showed the leaders emerging from their ice cocoons. “That felt so good!” said Puddinghead. The final cloth showed the six ponies together at the foundation of the new village, raising the united Equestrian banner. Nopony made any comment. They just stood looking at the image together in silence. Clover glanced at the princess, and saw she was smiling with tears welling up in her eyes. Eventually Commander Hurricane said softly, We have come so far, Per amicitia ad Equestria, All ponies together. “Commander!” cried Princess Platinum with an elated face, “I never knew you were a poet!” Hurricane gave a proud smile. “You must read my commentary.” The ponies moved into the middle of the hall and sat down on the cushions. “Whatever happened to the rock in the cave?” asked Puddinghead. “It must still be there,” replied Clover. “We should go and get it!” said Hurricane, “it's a symbol of our destiny! The Rock of Equestria!” “We could keep it in the castle,” said Platinum, “as a museum piece, under glass. And it would make an excellent coronation stone!” “I think we should keep it in the chancellery kitchen,” said Puddinghead, “it will be great for cracking nuts, grinding flour, and pressing small cakes. I shall call it the Stone of Scone.” “You two have enough rocks already,” cried Hurricane, “we need some more ballast in the clouds!” “Are you going to fight over it again?” asked Clover. At this, they all fell about laughing. The six friends continued laughing and joking about the adventure they had shared through the evening. They discussed the progress they had made in settling their new country, and their plans for the future. Princess Platinum asked Private Pansy to tell the story of the legion tortoise. After recounting this adventure, Pansy asked to hear more about the unicorn boarding school. At this Platinum proudly showed them a letter she had received from the Headmistress of the Academy for Unicorn Princesses, reprimanding the recent behaviour of her little sister, whose unacceptable conduct included consorting with an earth pony servant, and who had further, invited a pegasus into the dormitory. They all giggled at the salacious details of the school report. Then, as it grew late, they chatted about the horseshoes, saddlebags and mane styles; and braided each other’s tails. Eventually Commander Hurricane stood up and yawned. “That was a great party Your Highness. Now we must depart. We have a camp inspection at dawn.” “We'd better leave too,” said Cookie, “we have a lot of haymaking to do tomorrow.” “Don't let it rain on us,” said Puddinghead to the pegasi, “we need a beautiful day tomorrow.” Princess Platinum escorted her guests to the gatehouse and watched them walk or fly off into the night. “I'm going to take a nap on the way home Cookie – wake me up when we reach the chancellery,” said Puddinghead as they walked over the drawbridge. Once her guests were out of sight, the unicorn closed the door and dropped all her regal deportment. “Yes! Yes! Yes! They liked it! They really liked it!” she cried. She threw her crown into the air and leapt up on all four hooves. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!” “Of course they did,” replied Clover the Clever. “I was so afraid they wouldn't understand art.” “Your Highness, your tapestry is a wonderful work of art. The needlework is exquisite. But more importantly, it tells a story that matters to everypony. It’s something we can all relate to, and I’m sure ponies will still admire it, and tell the story behind it for many years to come.” Early the following day, Private Pansy was asleep in the clouds, blissfully dreaming about the house that she planned to make her home once her period of military service was complete. This would be a little cottage on the ground, with climbing roses above the doorway, and pots of pelargoniums underneath the windows. The garden would be full of hollyhocks, cornflowers, lavender, and many other flowers to attract the bees and butterflies. Being close to the forest, there would be lots of woodland birds who would fill the air with their sweet song. HONK! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! She was abruptly recalled to the reality of army life by a shrill bugle blast followed by a lot of clanging. Sticking her head out of her cloud into the morning air, Pansy saw Commander Hurricane swooping through the camp in steady wing beats, banging a horseshoe against a kitchen saucepan, shouting instructions to the wing-officers. “Legionaries! All patrols report for inspection parade at the forum in five minutes!” “Why is she on the war path?” asked Cirrocumulus. “I don't know,” replied Pansy. “Best see what she wants.” Rather more than five minutes later, the divisions of the winged legion were lined up, in varying states of wakefulness, along the central forum of the camp. Regular cloud columns stood between them demarcating the path of the commander as she flew back and forth. Once Hurricane was satisfied that she had an audience, she flew up above the assembly and addressed her troops. “Pegasi! As you are all aware we are a mighty warrior tribe! Brave in combat. The epitome of military discipline. Admired by our allies. Feared by our enemies. Further, we have brought peace, security and civilization to Equestria; as well as public order, legal codes, and an aerial irrigation and fresh water supply. Never has a unicorn or earth pony had just cause to question, 'What have the Pegasi ever done for us?' Our ponies-in-arms have achieved many a feat beyond the reach of other hoofed creatures!” She paused waiting for the cheer from the troops. Private Pansy looked up and down the line and saw most of the legionaries were asleep again. She nudged Cirrocumulus, and cried, “Yay!” “And yet we cannot rest on our laurels,” continued the commander. “We may be world leaders in aeronautics and hydraulic engineering, yet our unicorn peers put us to shame with their works of public art! We need to redress the situation, and show that the Pegasi can also conceive, execute, and admire the creative arts. Today we shall do this. We shall sculpt a monument to demonstrate the artistic skill of the pegasus ponies! Each squad is to carve a pony sculpture to the best of their creative ability. We shall then assemble a monumental frieze to depict the glory of the winged legion, which shall be visible to all Equestria!” She flew down and landed between the ranks of legionaries. “You have your orders! Any questions?” she said. “We sculpt a monument... Out of what?” asked Private Pansy. “Clouds,” replied the commander. “What else?” “Can we?” exclaimed Pansy, clapping her hooves together in excitement. “Oh this will be super fun!” And indeed it was. Each of the squads of the four wings of the legion was assigned to sculpt a cloud figure to their own design. The legionaries spent a happy morning collecting cloud material and fashioning it into giant floating pony sculptures. Most created military pegasi models; but some opted for unicorns or earth ponies. Some clothed their statues in elaborate dress, others sought to portray the perfect athletic form of a pony nude. During a brief break they wandered around the camp inspecting the work of other teams, then flew back to refashion their own creations, aiming to outdo one another with innovative mane styling and mares' tails. By the middle of the morning a herd of individual cloud portraits was assembled in the air above the camp forum. Commander Hurricane stared up at the cloud frieze with a satisfied smile. “Magnificent!” she exclaimed. “Let's release them into the wind.” The winged ponies took to the air and gently kicked their statues into motion. Soon, a long line of thirty-two pony figures was drifting across the sky. The legion all assembled on the north-east side of the camp and watched their artwork float off across the valley, dancing in the breeze. Commander Hurricane saluted the aerial monument as it drifted away. “Exegi monumentum aere perennius,” she said proudly. On the other side of the valley, in a tower of the unicorn castle, Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy were carrying a bathtub full of hot water up a narrow spiral staircase; which is not an easy task, even for ponies gifted with magical levitation powers. Iridium slowly ascended the stairs backwards, one hoof at a time, focusing his magic on the tub below, while Palladium did the same, walking forwards from the other end. “Why is Her Royal Highness taking so many baths at the moment?” grumbled Palladium. “It's keeping up with the Pegasi,” explained Iridium, “she doesn't want to be any less clean and fresh than Commander Hurricane.” “Do pegasi take so many baths?” “Oh yes. They have large public baths up in the clouds; with running water. Cirrocumulus told me that Commander Hurricane sometimes receives wing-officer's reports while in the bath. And she dictates her commentary likewise. It stops the atmosphere getting too dry.” “It's ridiculous! Since when did ponies need to bathe every day? In the old days it was just twice a year and keep a sprig of lavender behind your ear.” Clover the Clever cantered up the stairs at speed and squeezed past the two stallions and bathtub. “Careful,” cried Iridium, momentarily losing his concentration and letting the tub slop some water on the floor. Clover was already at the top of the stairwell hammering a hoof on Princess Platinum’s bedchamber door. “Your Highness! Come and look at this!” Princess Platinum open the door, dressed in a pink bathrobe. “Whatever is going on?” she asked. “Do you have my bathwater?” There was a loud crash in the stairwell, and a moment later Palladium appeared covered in soap bubbles, with his mane plastered over his face. “Sorry,” he said, “I slipped on a wet step.” The princess sighed. “What is it Clover?” “Come out on the battlements,” replied the scholar. Platinum followed her out through an arched doorway which led off the stairwell onto the castle roof. There, from a stone walkway behind the parapets, there was a splendid view across the valley. They could see the thatched roofs of the village houses; the isolated farms; the earth ponies out cutting grass and hay making; and in the distance, the Pegasi military camp pitched among the clouds. But it was the foreground weather patterns which had caught Clover's attention. They had a panoramic view of the pegasus frieze, a long line of brilliant white cloud-ponies illuminated by the morning sun. “Oh my!” exclaimed Platinum, “but how?... Oh... of course... it's Commander Hurricane's doing.” She laughed. “It seems that they had a busy morning,” said Clover. “And what a magnificent cloudscape,” said Platinum, “it combines the style and grace of classical statuary with the dreamy beauty of a romantic landscape, and a slight comic touch – truly original. I never thought the pegasi could produce art of such sophistication.” “Maybe you've got them into something new,” replied Clover. Out in the fields on the other side of the valley, the earth pony team also stopped to admire the artistic canopy. “Looks like they took your request for a beautiful day very seriously,” said Smart Cookie. “And now we know what they can do, we can demand it every year,” joked Puddinghead. However haymaking was a serious business, and they knew they couldn't spend all day admiring the clouds. Ponies spread out across the field gripping scythe handles in their teeth, sweeping the blades back and forth to cut the grass. This was left to dry in the sun, while the dry grass was raked up, piled up in carts and moved to hay barns outside the village. Chancellor Puddinghead stood on a haystack in the centre of the field shouting instructions at everypony until one of the workers sneaked off for a quiet word with a pegasus friend. This resulted in a specially targeted micro thunderstorm. It was exhausting work, but satisfying and fun, and they were all in a joyful mood when, towards the end of the day, they had finally cut and cleared the hillside. Smart Cookie and Puddinghead lay down on their backs in the middle of the field, glad to relax. The chancellor picked a tuft of grass, blew the seeds into the wind, and started to chew the stem. She looked up at the blue sky. “Oh look Smart Cookie, the pegasuses have been pulling faces out of the clouds again!” Sure enough a herd of fluffy white horses was floating overhead. “Just look at that unicorn!” “Or that pegasus!” “Or is it supposed to be an earth pony?” They paused staring at an enigmatic equine-shaped cloud. “They've gone all abstract this time.” “It is shaped like a pegasus,” said Smart Cookie after some thought. “Methinks it is like an earth pony,” replied Puddinghead, “or like a unicorn.” She continued chewing the grass staring at the overhead pony. “Very like a unicorn,” murmured Smart Cookie. She pulled her hat down over her eyes and soon forgot about the pegasus artwork. The earth pony leader leapt to her feet. “You know what Smart Cookie,” she cried, “we can't let the unicorns and pegasi have all the fun. It's time we did some art!” “What?” cried her secretary, waking up and pushing her hat back. “We're going to make a picture like they did!” “What? But how? We can't do needlework or sculpt clouds like they do?” “Don't be silly. We're earth ponies; the earth is our canvas!” she cried, “Spotted Dick! Fig Roll! Get up here! We've got some artwork to do.” The two stallions trotted up the hillside to join them. “Go and get a vat of paint and some brushes. We're going to paint a portrait.” “Paint a portrait! Where?” asked Fig Roll. “On the hillside. Where else?” She pointed out the proposed canvas with a hoof. “But then we'll get coloured hay next year,” he objected, “it will taste funny.” “And we haven't got any paint,” added Spotted Dick. The chancellor disliked it when her visionary plans were held back by lesser ponies with no imagination. “Well get some flour and water then.” “But we need the flour for baking cakes.” “Well find something else! Why do I always have to work out everything myself? Can't you...” “Chancellor,” said Smart Cookie, “the hillside is made of chalk. If we scrape away the grass and top soil, it will show a clear white line...” “That’s it!” cried Puddinghead. She waved her hooves in the air to attract the attention of the other earth ponies. “Everypony get up here! We’ve got some important poking the ground with our hooves to do!” Once she had a large herd gathered around her, she looked at Smart Cookie. “Okay, what do we do?” To celebrate the completion of the harvest, the remaining earth ponies returned to the village to prepare a large feast. They set up tables outside on the Turf, and piled these high with all sorts of fruit, vegetables, pies, flans, pastries, cakes, and other good things to eat. Invitations were dispatched to their unicorn and pegasi friends. By early evening, when Puddinghead marched triumphantly down the hill with Smart Cookie, Fig Roll and Spotted Dick, everything was ready. The unicorn delegation arrived. The freshly bathed princess warmly embraced the hay and chalk dust covered chancellor. “My dear Puddinghead, what have you been doing on the hillside? We can't quite make it out from here.” “All in good time Your Highness. Wait until the pegasi are here.” The pegasus legion arrived in style, all wings flying in unison with Commander Hurricane at the head. They performed a graceful aerial circuit around the village and hillside before landing all together at the feast. Hurricane walked up to Puddinghead and saluted. “We love the picture you chalked up on the hill Chancellor,” she said to Puddinghead. “It looks great from the air. But you've got to tell us – is it supposed to be an earth pony, a unicorn, or a pegasus?” Cirrocumulus, Nimbostratus and a large crowd of other pegasi all stared at Puddinghead anticipating her response. “They've been placing bets on what you're going to say,” explained the commander. For once, Chancellor Puddinghead was unsure what to say. “We were going to ask you that,” she said eventually. “What?” “Well it's not so easy to mark out a figure on the ground, where you can't see the entire picture,” said Smart Cookie, “so we waited until one of your cloud sculptures was in front of the sun, and we traced out the shadow on the ground.” “But we couldn't agree on what sort of pony it was supposed to be,” said Puddinghead. “We assumed you could tell us.” “Who made that one?” said Hurricane. None of the pegasi knew. “Well what time did it appear?” “Late afternoon,” replied Puddinghead. “But no one was making clouds then,” said Hurricane, “we were all chilling out in the hot tub after a busy morning.” “You mean...” “It was just a passing cloud.” They stared at each other’s shocked faces. Princess Platinum looked at them both, gave a restrained titter, and then, unable to hold back, burst out laughing. “Your Highness,” said Clover the Clever, “you shouldn't laugh at other ponies’ artwork.” “I know,” replied Platinum, “I'm sorry. But it's just so funny – the look on your faces.” At this Puddinghead joined in laughing, “you're right, it is funny.” “Whatever it is,” said Commander Hurricane, “it looks really cool from the air.” “It’s an artistic monument to Equestrian unity,” said Platinum. The three united tribes then turned their attention to the feast in front of them and set about devouring the roasted chestnuts, carrots, butternut squash, coleslaw, bean salad, fresh bread, hay and other snacks. Plates were loaded with pastries stuffed with mushrooms, nuts, and all types of herbs, served with potatoes and cranberry and onion sauce. Followed by pony-sized pumpkin pies, extra sticky toffee pudding, and a perfected upside-down cake (further experimentation had shown it turned out better with not quite so much honey). This was washed down with copious amounts of the best cider, perry, fruit cordial and mead. “Will we have enough food left to celebrate the anniversary of Equestria?” Clover asked Smart Cookie. “No problem,” replied her friend, “the cellars are full. But we'd better get started with the planning soon, if we're going to get it all ready. So much to do: cakes to bake, decorations to make, games to plan.” “It's the end of summer,” said Clover, “the wind has turned cold. We will see the first frost soon. I wonder how cold the winter will be? If the windigos are gone it can't be as bad as last year, but we should be prepared for the worst.” She looked around her. Further down the table Princess Platinum was showing Private Pansy how to embroider a pattern on the tablecloth. Chancellor Puddinghead and Nimbostratus appeared to be engaged in a pudding eating contest, while Cirrocumulus and Fig Roll placed stakes on the outcome. Commander Hurricane was listening with great interest to Iridium Flare’s description of the sport of jousting. A group of all pony types were playing a game of pin the tail on the pumpkin pie, while another team were engaged in unstick the toffee pudding from the pony. “I reckon we'll all stay warm whatever the weather,” said Smart Cookie.
EpilogueThree millenia later, Princesses Celestia and Twilight Sparkle sat on a cloud above a green hill in the countryside south of Trottingham, surveying the image of a white horse cut into the turf covered chalk on the ground beneath them. Down below Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy were working along the white lines, pulling up weeds, scraping back the turf and rechalking the surface. “Thank you for inviting us to help renew the White Horse image this year,” said Twilight, “it's quite an honour.” “You're very welcome Twilight,” replied Celestia. “It needs to be done every few years if the image is to remain clear. The local ponies asked for some help with the scouring this year, so I'm very pleased you were able to come along.” “It's amazing to think that we are carrying out a task that ponies have been doing for thousands of years,” said Twilight. “How old is it exactly?” “I don't know. It's older than me. Excavations nearby have uncovered the remains of one of the oldest settlements in Equestria.” “I know this region has a very long historical heritage. There are many references to places here in the Commentarii de Bello Equestri.” “Have you read it?” “Yes. Well, most of it. I sort of skimmed through volumes ten to thirteen.” “I never got more than halfway through book one.” “It is a bit dry,” said Twilight, “but it's one of the most important contemporary sources to study the early history of Equestria.” Celestia nodded. “While you are here, you must take time to visit the museum at Neigheux. They have the most amazing tapestry.” “I've read about it.” “And the tea shop serves a delicious toffee pudding.” Twilight stared at the hillside figure with an inquisitive frown. “Is it supposed to be a pegasus, a unicorn or an earth pony?” “Nopony knows for sure. It's always been called the White Horse, but some say it is actually a dog, or a dragon, or some other creature.” “I wonder why they first made it, all those years ago. Was it marking the territory of some tribe? Or an ancient fertility symbol?” “There are a great many stories about that. According to some scholars in Canterlot, it is an emblem of an ancient goddess,” replied Celestia. “Luna thinks that it shows a pattern in the stars, a constellation that is no longer visible. And there’s a numismatist who says it matches a pattern on some ancient coins. She thinks it’s the signature of the first treasurer of the Bank of Equestria.” She bent her neck down to the level of the younger princess and spoke in a quiet voice. “Personally, I think they were just having a bit of fun.” Author's Note Thanks for reading! This is based on a silly story I dreamt up, one sunny day, while lying back on White Horse Hill watching clouds. I then forgot about it until I watched the French version of Hearth's Warming Eve and wondered if could write a historical pony story with the humour of the Asterix comic books (I love the way the pegasi are dressed as Roman legionaries). It evolved from there. I hope the cryptic jokes and quirky references were not too distracting. History of Pony Art:
