The Four and One Erebi Nights

by RandomBlank

Rating: teen
Tags: Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Silver Spoon, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Sex
Length: 18254

Princess Luna orders fun over the phone and finds it not what she expected but enjoyable nevertheless.

Princess Luna orders fun over the phone.

Her appointed call-zebra challenges a cup of coffee, gets involved in a spy intrigue, heroically saves the world from return of eternal night and gets romantically involved with the protagonist of "The Legend of Hay House". Still, in the end Princess Luna gets all the fun she desired and more.

Also, a tome of ancient poetry from Saddle Arabia gets badly damaged. Discretion is advised for people squeamish about graphic descriptions of butchering books.

Ice Pack is (c) Weaver, used with permission.
Proofreading by MrJoshy.
Rated teen for sexual themes, specieist slurs and book mutilation.

Published 2013-04-26 07:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-28 13:26:17 UTC

Night Zero

The Four and One Erebi Nights

or

The Reading of the Yeherebi Dastan in four parts, days in between included.

Night Zero

during which Princess Luna costs Ice Pack a customer.

Ice Pack dragged his hooves in and closed the door behind him. Home at last. His little, cozy, private home where he can feel somewhat safe.

Need shower, need lunch... later. Now, rest.

He took a look over the luxurious oversized sofas and armchairs he’d managed to get cheap from one of his customers. No, he’d stain the expensive upholstery with secretions of his customers.

He lay on the soft carpet and pulled a warm blanket over himself. A hour or two of sleep... then bath, meal and maybe a new book. A few hours of calm. Unless there’s a customer through the agency.

Sleep... blissful sleep.

A harsh knocking on the door.

Ice Pack dragged his hooves to the door. He pulled them open, still dazed.

“Service us, zebra!”

His heart jumped. There were the two fillies. One pink, with a purple-white mane and a tiara on her head, and the other light grey filly with bigger-than-needed glasses.

His heart crawled up his throat.

“I... really can not. You are too young. I will get in trouble if I do.”

“You’ll get in trouble if you don’t...”

“Please, girls! Really, I am on probation already!”

“That means if you don’t do what we want, you’re going to prison, right?” The pink one was more assertive.

“I will make it worth your while,” the grey one grinned. “I want to TASTE IT!”

The two grinned maliciously. Their teeth began showing in their grins. They licked their lips, their teeth way too triangular, way too sharp. The insides of their mouths dark, their eyes gaining a red tint around the edges.

He slammed the door shut, breathing hard and resting against it.

Another hard knock.

“Police, open up you scoundrel!”

He began to run, trying to squeeze under a couch as the door burst open. A dark silhouette stepped in. The heavy, iron-shod hooves approached his hiding spot and stopped dead. Ice Pack’s heart was pounding impossibly fast.

Then the pony peered under the couch.

A pair of big, rather friendly eyes in a pretty, elongated face adorned with a long horn and flowy mane peered into terror-filled eyes of the zebra.

Then, in one long sigh, the fear was gone.

The zebra deadpanned. “Will you lecture me about facing my fears again?”

“Again?”

“You are a mental projection of Princess Luna. You help ponies deal with their fears.” He crawled from under the bed and sat on the couch, inviting the image of Princess to take place opposite. “Can we skip the argument this time? Just send me somewhere nice to relax?”

“What argument?” The image frowned. “I may be just a throwaway figment of the Princess’ imagination to dissolve the moment you wake up, but might you at least give me the skinny of it? Maybe I can do something?”

“Convincing me to act up will not work. Last time I tried, the nice policeponies beat me really bad. They told not to say lies on daughter of nice mister Rich. I asked him to have a talk with me. They visited me again and beat me for showing up near his house. He blackmailed the teacher. She will not dare to help. I am on a probation based on their lies. I can only dream about appealing it to Canterlot.”

The astral projection frowned. “This seems really bad. And you say one of us visited you already and decided giving you a nice, restful dream is all that can be done?”

“One told me to face my fears. Then I got beaten. Twice. Then I had an argument with another. She promised good, restful dreams. She promised my nightmares would not return. It did not work, as you see. You are the third.”

The mare frowned deeper, not even trying to conceal her ire. “And my short-sighted original did not foresee this and didn’t give me any way to contact her or do anything about the real world. Of course you won’t solve your problem all by yourself. Can’t you ask another pony for help?”

“And get them beaten by the police too? This way, at least, I am the only one getting beaten.”

“That’s... quite noble of you.”

“I can always move out... run away. A different place may be nicer. Break probation, escape Equestria.”

“I hate to admit it, but you may be right. But give me one more chance to help.”

“What can you do?”

The mental projection of Luna closed her eyes.

“...I can’t do powerful magic, and you are a zebra, not a unicorn, so I can’t use yours... There is barely enough of my substance to power a weak spell. This must be subtle, a gentle nudge that will set events in motion... affect the chance... alter the fates... and you are a nice zebra. My original should like you enough once you meet...”

The projection of alicorn opened her eyes brightly aglow.

“I won’t give you nice dreams this time, I need all the power I have. Give the fortune a chance...”

A ring of magic appeared around the alicorn’s horn, a very complex though subtle ring of symbols and arcane shapes. And as the figment began vanishing, starting with tail and hind hooves, the spell filled with light... Her abdomen, front hooves, chest and neck vanished, feeding its power through the horn to the spell, and then after her head was gone, the horn itself was consumed as the ring of magical symbols shone one more time and vanished in bright lights.

“Give the fortune a chance... chance... chance...”

Ice Pack lay back trying to relax. He didn’t hold his hopes too high, but then... would he dare to throw this all away and run again? Seek refuge... where?

He thought about the encounter... No relaxing in warm tropical beach this time, but at least he was lucid, he could just wish any horrors away... If the original is as kind as these figments... Eh, stupid, him meeting the Princess? Stop dreaming, Ice Pack...

*RING*RING*

There, he jinxed it.

He forced his eyes open and crawled up to the phone.

“Ice Pack, Can I help?”

“Hi,” a friendly voice sounded. “It’s Silky Voice, just calling you to tell you the customer has canceled the four next nights.”

“Thank you.” He winced. Breaking even during the cold season was hard. Four whole nights, that’s some good money. “Did she tell why?”

“She had a dream about her coltfriend finding out.”

“She does not have a coltfriend.”

“You’re telling me.” One could almost hear the shrug from the receiver.

“Okay, bye.”

“Take care.”

Day One

The Four and One Erebi Nights

or

Princess Luna learns one can order fun by phone

Day One
during which Princess Luna learns about some modern inventions.

Princess Luna pressed the button. Cool air blew through her mane. She pressed again. No more cool wind. Wind. No wind. Wind. No wind. Yay, air conditioning was so... cool! That must be the origin of this modern expression! One simple charge from her horn and she’d get cool breeze all night long, and no more sweaty sheets during summer heat wave! A simple frost talisman and a fan propelled by this ingenious “spark rotary engine...” Such wonderful inventions happened during the past 1000 years! Not that she’ll need it for another five months, winter just starting, but...

“And this is the telephone, your majesty.” The young apprentice technician appeared not just more patient but actually enthusiastic, comparing to his grumpy old master, and Luna definitely preferred him explaining at length but in simple words the functions and roles of various modern appliances installed in her chambers. “It comes with a phone book. Each phone in all of Equestria has its own number and most of them are found in this book. You don’t need to wander the streets to find a craftspony... oh well, your servants don’t... anyway, you want a florist to decorate your chamber with flowers, open up the yellow section, look up “F,” find “Florists,” then find Canterlot, and pick any of the half-dozen florists listed here.”

“And how does doing that help...?”

“Oh-oh. Yes. Of course. Dialing. You see this number, and this dial. You lift the receiver, like this, put it to your ear, wait for signal.... Hear the constant beep? That means everything is alright and you can start dialing.”

The technician walked Luna through the steps, explained the meaning of various signals and how to end the conversation. Then he produced a small booklet from his saddlebag.

“And this is,” he explained, “the Canterlot Castle internal phonebook. Not for public distribution. You don’t want peasants from the other end of Equestria calling you in the dark of... in the middle of the day with their current peeves that could be solved by their mayor. So, only trusted ponies get these numbers.”

Luna opened the booklet, curiosity painted on her face.

There were two entries on the first page.

Princess Celestia...............0001

Princess Luna...................0002

The following pages were filled with countless offices and departments. She bookmarked the library. It would be certainly convenient to request books that way!

Luna lifted the receiver. “ So I turn this to ‘0...’ Let go. ‘0...’ Hey, it’s easy!”

“Princess Celestia’s office,” a nice voice sung in the receiver. Luna recognized her sister’s personal secretary.”

“Can I talk to my sister?”

“And who’s calling?”

“Luna. Princess Luna?”

A surprised gasp. “Oh, of course! Princess Celestia, it’s your sister.” the last came muffled. Some crackling and shuffling, distant steps. A click, a beep. “Hello, Luna! I see you discovered the telephone!” Celestia’s cheerful voice sounded.

“Celestia, can you hear me?!”

“Yes, loud and clear. You don’t need to shout! Do you have a quill and ink ready?”

“Umm...” The technician dashed to the desk and brought the Princess the requested utensils. “Yes?”

“Write down my personal number so that you don’t have to go through the secretary. Right in the phone book, by my name. It’s 6765.”

“Hey, I don’t have to write it down! It’s the twentieth number in the Friesionacci sequence!”

“You and your fancy mathematics... can I have your number?”

“It’s 0002. No, wait, I guess it’s for my office too, isn’t it? Oh, here we go!” - the technician pointed to a little tab on the phone listing its number. “5933.”

“Fine. Call me whenever you need anything!”

“Thanks! Bye!”

“Bye!”

Luna hung up and pranced in place. “This is so awesome! Just like scry-telepathy spell, only without all the messy rituals!”

The youngster beamed at making the princess so happy. He took some time to explain calling out of the castle and into the castle from outside through extensions, and Luna absorbed the knowledge easily - if you know arcane spells to alter time and space, learning using phone extensions really poses no challenge.

“This would be all for today, your majesty. I’ll visit again in three days to tell you about the radio and maybe I could bring a camera if you’d like!”

“You’re welcome, and thanks for the lesson!”

As the technician left, Luna pranced some more, then grabbed the thick phone book and lobbed it onto her huge, four-poster bed, then took a running start towards it, made a somersault and landed hooves up, as the bed yielded in a unique, thick, slushy way not entirely unlike a water bed.

“That was fun!”

She lay on the bed flipping through the book for good half a hour just imagining the potential of calling a... Flute repairpony! Just on her whim!

She gazed through the window. The sun was setting. Time to get to her duties.

She set her mind on sending a multitude of her spiritual projections into all corners of Equestria, to help the ponies deal with bad dreams. She adjusted the tide on the sea. She renewed the sleep curse on the Monstrous Behemoth, and noted the next date of renewal in her calendar, 1200 years ahead. She fixed a few stars that were beginning to blink uncertainly. And in the end, she raised her moon, beautiful big and round Full Moon.

Two hours of routine but satisfying work. And then... eh, seven hours of utter boredom until dawn, when she’ll reverse the tide, set the Moon, and so on. The ponies still slept through the night, though exceptions were more frequent. She had tried some of new books. None of the ones she tried held the flair and beauty of books of her times.

She threw a glance to her bookshelf, where the newest bestseller, The Fisherpony lay, a huge brick filled with profound-sounding pleonasms, florid platitudes, and intrigue so shallow and boring she could call the phone book enthralling by comparison.

She lay on her bed, letting a half-dream reach her. Her mind, as if pulled by a spell, all by itself, wandered to last year’s Nightmare Night. Ponyville, that wonderful village where she spent the most wonderful of nights.

“That was so fun, back then...” she thought, the dream gone as fast as it came.

And then a thought struck. She rolled on her side to open the big book. Of course there was nothing under “Fun” but she wasn’t discouraged. What was Fun? Catapults? Spider tossing? Apple diving? Mayor mare clothed as clown?

She flipped to “Clowns.” “See: Entertainment.”

A-Ha! So that’s how “Fun” is officially named!

A flurry of pages, and “Entertainment” was found. Of course most of these will be closed down for the night, and besides, Luna doubted a clown performing alone in her room would really entertain her. Still, there was one framed entry. “Fun for adult mares and stallions, delivered to your door, all day and all night! 223-223”

Luna frowned. With her 2723rd birthday in two months she certainly could consider herself adult. And the promise of delivery and nightly availability seemed like very good selling points!

She picked the receiver up and dialed the number.

“Fun Agency, how can I help you?” A low, silky female voice asked.

“Is this... Do you... provide fun?”

“Oh, yes, sweetie!” the sensuous voice answered. “What kind of fun would you be interested in?”

oh... Luna wasn’t quite prepared for this.

“I... uh, I guess the normal kind. Nothing too fancy. I’m kinda... new to this thing.”

“I think we have just the right offer for you. Experienced, professional and guaranteed to deliver satisfaction even to most nervous and inexperienced customers. Interested?”

“Ummm, yes?”

"An hour, two, whole night? Or maybe shorter periods?"

"Whole night?” Luna’s face brightened. “All night long!"

“That will be sixty bits for this night. Cash only.”

“Cash... Cash... is Royal Cheque not acceptable?”

“Oh,” you could almost hear the frown. “I guess we can make an exception for a royal cheque. Where should the delivery be made?”

“Southern tower, top floor, The Canterlot Castle, Canterlot...”

“Whoa, wait. The Canterlot Castle, huh? The delivery may take a while. We’re located in Ponyville. It’s two hours by train, and the next train is in two hours. And in this case we’ll have to add the cost of tickets in both directions too.”

Oh. Only now Luna noticed the framed entry in the book was under the heading of “Ponyville,” not “Canterlot.”

“And what if I send an aerial chariot to bring... the fun... to me?”

“A... um... I guess that’s acceptable.” The sensuous tone vanished, the mare on the other end knew already: that won’t be an easy customer. But then the Agency boasted providing even to the most demanding ones. She would not give up. “Where and when should... ’your fun’ be made available for pick-up?”

Night One

The Four and One Erebi Nights
or
The Destructive Power of Cliffhangers

Night One
during which Princess Luna learns about some more modern inventions.

Ice Pack was shaking all over. Being picked in the dark of the night from a clearing at the edge of town by a vehicle out of Nightmare Night, full of black spikes and with a big gleaming green eye with vertical slit for a pupil set in its front, pulled by two... creatures chained to it, pony-like creatures, but with bat wings! And in creepy, spiked dark armors! Then the travel at blood-curdling speed, at blood-curdling altitude... And now, following the two through the dark corridors of the castle, climbing the endless wide stairs around the tower, and then the gate, so tall, so heavy, with ancient symbols embossed in it. The monstrous guards stepped to the sides and stood guard in front of the gate. He was supposed to enter.

His legs shook all over. For the first time in so many years he did feel performance anxiety. He swallowed hard and pushed the gate. It opened with ear-shattering creak.

⁂

I must get some servant to oil the hinges at last, thought Luna, wincing at the horrible noise. She could bet they weren’t oiled in past thousand years.

A zebra stepped in. A rather cute, short male zebra with ears lying flat against his neck and a fancy, wide brass necklace with multiple small pendants hanging from it on his neck. Though “stepped in” is saying too much. He more like crawled in, or snuck in, trying to seem invisible. He noticed her and threw her... something. Something toothy. Like, a smile except that it wasn’t a smile. Well, maybe the intention was for it to be a smile but it looked like a constipated push effort.

So, they sent me a zebra mime. That’s... rather classy. And the act he’s putting is quite good.

The zebra froze in place with that toothy thing on his mouth (no, calling it “expression” would be like calling broccoli “fruit”).

“Please, do continue.” Luna sent a charming smile.

He blinked twice, then began staring at her. with plate-sized eyes.

“Umm... do I have something on my face?”

His hind legs decided to take a step towards her, but his front legs were still inert, which resulted in him falling on his face. This elicited a wave of giggles from the princess. What an excellent mime! And funny too!

The zebra picked himself up, apparently the shock of violent contact of his nose with the floor sobering him up a little. He began making faces. Opening his mouth, with his throat working hard on pushing something out.

“Did you choke on something?”

The zebra waved his hoof in denial and sat on his flank. He pushed again, his face going livid from exertion, and finally what he wanted to eject escaped his mouth: “Hello.”

“Hello to you too, mister. That’s some excellent show you put there. Some coffee?” She pointed to the tray with beautiful, dainty porcelain cups decorated with her cutie mark.

He looked in panic around as if looking who else was in the room, then confused, finding nopony, rested his hoof on his chin in thought. Then his eyes opened in shock. He pointed his hoof to his chest.

“Yes, you, who else?”

That toothy thing on his face again, followed by a short nod.

Luna got to filling the cups. “I wonder how it is with you mimes, if I’m not supposed to talk to you, or if you are forbidden from talking, or if it’s so difficult for you. I guess it might be the latter. That ’Hello’ seemed like an awful lot of effort. Anyway, your performance is most commendable. You will find the cheque written in my name for the amount designated, plus a tip, on the bureau by the windows.” a dark-blue glow enveloped a quill there as it wrote the number in the checkbook. “And you’re welcome to take a break from your act for a while. We have a whole night of fun ahead of us after all.”

The zebra approached the table. Sideways. Not letting his eyes off the Princess. He reached for the cheque and dared to throw a glance on it. His lower jaw fell.

To say the tip was generous would be an understatement.

He lay the cheque back on the bureau carefully.

A big drop of sweat formed on his forehead, as if he were in some neighponeese cartoon. The princess was about to break into applause, as tears welled in his eyes.

Then he found a bit of the long-lost courage, and forced his mouth to speak.

“Princess Luna. I am not a mime. I can not accept this.”

She frowned a little. “Well, I hope you can accept coffee then. You definitely kept me entertained.”

Resigned he approached the coffee table.

“Then what are you?”

“A call-stallion. A call-zebra to be more exact.”

He met Luna’s blank stare.

“Mares in need of my services call. I come and provide these services.”

“Well, what kind of services do you provide? I suppose they are fun, aren’t they?”

He went through another mime act: Thinking. The way his facial expression would change, despair, joy, frown, uncertain hope, resigned sigh, perked up hopefulness, that show elicited Luna’s laughter again. Finally he seemed to settle on something to his moderate satisfaction, apparently not too happy with the choice but deeming it best he could find.

“Fornication.”

She frowned. “You mean, like, a coital intercourse?”

“Yes.”

“But what for?”

When Silky Voice sent him out, he was informed this would be one of the harder cases.

“For pleasure.”

Luna frowned. “No foals?”

“I am infertile.”

“No sealing of marital contract?”

“No. Definitely not.”

“Not bribing you into...” she frowned. “No, of course not. So you mean a coital intercourse may be fun for the mare? That theory wasn’t known in my times. Although I knew of mares who would do this on regular basis for free, but then I thought it was their generosity to the colts. So, are you sure about this?”

“Miss.” He frowned. “...if I am allowed to call you that, your majesty...” he corrected himself, then continued, seeing her approving nod. “This is my job and my profession. I work for an agency with an entry in a phone book. I am making my living off doing this. I assure you this is true.”

Luna lifted the coffee cup to him, and he had no choice but to take it in his hooves. She took a sip from hers. Hesitantly, he raised his cup to his mouth, took a breath, then a sip...

⁂

“...Are you completely sure you’re not a mime? Or a magician? That floating act, and that rolling in the carpet, and that swimming through the floor... And all that while holding the cup and not spilling a drop!”

Ice Pack shook his head removing the dreamy glaze and returning the treacherous drink to the tray. He really didn’t remember the past minute or century or however long it lasted... He just knew he’d just been beaten at the art of pleasuring ponies. By a cup of coffee.

He frowned and stood hard.

No. This cannot stand. His years of experience and talent and effort cannot fall in the field to a household vessel filled with a caffeinated drink. He WILL pleasure this mare, better than any beverage could!

“Your majesty. If you made a mistake while calling my services, I will take my leave now and let us forget this happened. But if not - give me a chance to perform. I promise: You will like it.”

“You never learn if new theories are true or not without experimental data... So, do your work, mister...”

“Ice Pack. At your service. Your majesty.”

He climbed on her bed. Royal bed - tall enough that it required climbing (or jumping, as Luna preferred), and wide enough that two ponies could sleep at two ends without ever knowing about each other. And... floaty. A bit like a waterbed but somewhat firmer. Thicker. Like...

“What is this bed filled with?”

“Chocolate. The drinkable kind. Why, I had a wild fancy some twelve hundred years ago, I tried it and never went back. It’s wondrously soft, yielding and yet not forming waves like water. Do you like it?”

“Umm... yes. I think.”

“So do I expose myself to you now?”

“If this is what you like. Normally we rather go about... getting more accustomed... to each other. Not really like friends. But not total strangers either. This lets you relax and enjoy.”

Oh yes. Find her good sides. Get to start liking her. Then he might perform. Currently he couldn’t even start thinking about getting it up.

“So, how do I go about this?”

Ice pack spotted a book lying by one of the pillows.

“One can tell alot about a pony by their reading preferences. What do you read?”

“Umm, this?” Luna floated the book up. “The phone book. I was reading it prior to your arrival. What does that say about me?”

Ice Pack groaned inwardly and thought how to get out of that one.

“You are probably rather not well accustomed to the society.”

“Does that show this badly?” she asked with concern in her eyes.

“Oh, no. It is nothing bad really. You are a princess. That is normal.”

“And what did you read recently?”

He frowned. No pony liked his exotic tastes in the literature, and mentioning the obscure titles always alienated him. Normally he’d try to make up something that should be to the liking of his customer but currently his head was blank, so he went for truth.

“Yeherebi, an anciet, epic, poetic...”

Suddenly he was lying back with Luna standing on his chest with voracious, psychotic look in her eyes. “Did you read the last tome?!!”

He looked to the sides looking for any help and tried for the truth again.

“Yes, I finished it just yesterday.”

“Does Jinai save Eritia? Does Hamaruk meet the justice?! DOES KYUI REUNITE WITH HIS MASTER??!!”

Ice Pack swallowed hard.

“Now, that would be spoiling it...”

The Lunar Goddess was suddenly veiled in darkness, only two terrible white eyes and her clenched teeth were visible in her terrible black outline as she lowered her mouth near the zebra’s face.

“SPEAK NOW OR DIE!!!”

Ice Pack whimpered a little and swallowed. “Hamaruk marries Eritia... DO NOT KILL ME! IT IS NOT ALL!” he cried out seeing the princess’ glare. “That makes Imira his second wife. She can not suffer the humiliation. She poisons his wine during the wedding party. Eritia drinks some of it and is poisoned too. Jinai must choose. If he returns the stolen Sword of Power, Master forgives Kyui. They make antidote. Both Hamaruk and Eritia live and Jinai is caught and dies. If he keeps the sword, his love dies, his nemesis dies. I’ll lend you the book, you’ll read the rest!”

He just could not... Death threat or not, he just could not spoil the absolutely stunning ending!

But the change Luna’s face went through! Her eyes, huge and bright were filled with sparks as she held her both front hooves to her face filled with elation.

She jumped out of the bed, prancing in circles around the room, singing. “Imira poisons Hamaruk! Imira poisons Hamaruk!”

Ice Pack could only watch the insane princess in fear. Then she jumped on the bed. The big grin on her face only grew bigger.

“You know what happened a thousand years ago? I was reading Yeherebi all night. And I couldn’t stop. Then Celestia comes, ‘Luna, why is the Moon still up?’, and I’m like ‘Look, I’m busy now, I can’t stop reading to lower it.’ And then she starts shouting at me and I try to ignore her. So she says ‘The night must end now.’ And I’m like ‘The night will end when I finish the book.’ And then she blasts the book, all four tomes at once with a ray of fire!”

Ice Pack gasped. “How barbaric!”

“And I was just reading the last page of the third tome at that moment. Minute later and I’d lower the stupid moon! So I tell her Night will now last forever, or until she gets me another copy.”

“And right you did!”

“But no, she tells me how irresponsible it was. And dares to call it ‘a stupid book’. And I’m just ‘la-la-la another copy.’ So she goes out, note it’s all dark, but now I can’t lower the moon because if I do she won’t bring me the replacement. Then she comes back and gives me the first three tomes and thinks all is dandy. And we get in a shouting match, because I know the fourth tome was all sold out! So she gets the Elements of Harmony and tells me she’ll blast me to the damned Moon if I don’t lower it now. And I tell her she can blast me if she sends me together with the fourth tome.”

“Oh, no!”

“Well, it kinda escalated from there. Armies got involved. And just as my forces conquer the printing house and are readying the machines for reprint, and seriously I gave up on her and tried to get the book myself, and, I’d have the Moon down in another hour, well, maybe two, fires everywhere, we needed to get the machines and the paint heated up, it was kinda freezing after the four days without sunlight, but before I have the last tome in my hooves, she bursts in through the roof with her pegasi and shoots me with the Elements from behind. Right to the Moon. And doesn’t even show a common courtesy to send me the book. You can’t imagine what a thousand years of a cliffhanger feels like!”

“And then, when you came back...”

“Night! Until I get that book! And a thousand years later I expected it wouldn’t exist any more, so the night would last forever! But then they blasted me with the Elements again, and they kinda... suppressed the urge.”

“Umm, they do have a copy at the Ponyville library, right where you arrived.”

“Wait, do you mean I could have just walked into that treehouse and say ’Excuse me, can I borrow Yeherebi, the fourth tome’? Without kidnapping my sister? Without trying to recover the Elements before my chase catches up?”

“Maybe it was rented out at that time...”

“I’m feeling rather silly now.”

Now this seemed like he played it just right. Making his customer feel good about her actions, no matter how atrocious. Supporting her with friendly words, even if she’s been in the wrong. Now just why couldn’t he stop shaking and imagining kicking Celestia’s teeth out!? That satisfying crunch of these impeccable pearly delicacies snapping under his hoof to expose the root canals to open air! To burn Yeherebi?! He never suspected the ruler of the ponies could be so barbaric...

And then a thought struck him, and he caught his head with his hooves in a sudden wave of despair. He had to do something just as bad, and he felt disgust at what he, himself had to do. He felt dirty, like a criminal.

“Princess, I can not lend you the last tome now. Not whole.” He hung his head low.

“But... but why?” She cried out.

“The world needs the Moon lowered in timely manner. No matter what. I will cut my book into four parts. Do not look at me like that, it hurts my heart. I will give you one part every night, so that you finish each before dawn.”

“You...” Luna had tears in her eyes, “You heroic barbarian!” She hugged him tightly. “Let us not tarry!”

“Umm... with what?”

“To your place! I’m getting the first part of the book tonight, right?”

Then a thought hit the stallion, and he went to the bureau. He picked the cheque. “Do you consider I deserve it?”

“No!” The princess ran up to him and shredded the paper with her magic. Then the quill whirled over the checkbook again. “Here. So that you can get yourself a new copy. But this is paying for your services for the next three nights too!”

Ice Pack blinked at the paper. It was adjusted. By two orders of magnitude up.

Now he felt really bad. Like a true whorse. To tear up Yeherebi for the good of the world is a heroic act. To do it for petty cash...

He looked at the row of zeros... interrupted only by one “6” at the place of tens, the source of his official salary...

That’s Yeherebi for goodness sake!

He crumpled the cheque with his mouth and spat it out, then trotted after the princess, who was by the stairs already.

⁂

“Homely yet luxurious. Crude yet comfortable. Your... customers must feel wonderful here!”

“Actually, this is my private part. I have a more lavish room for customers. Here I hold all my books. I rarely invite customers here.”

The zebra quickly started the fire in the hearth. The small cavern under the roots of the tree has been furnished with a mix of Zebra and Pony styles, comfortable yet stylish, lots of dark wood and rich browns, soft plush paddings the color of red wine on oversized furniture, multiple bookcases heavy with books, a small, practical kitchen with multitude of herbs. Luna read the titles with interest, while Ice Pack quickly located the four thick tomes and picked the last of them. He headed to the kitchen.

"Wait... let me..." she called him and he approached.

She put her hooves gently on the last book and brushed it lightly, with love.

“Do you really have to?” she sent him a wistful look.

“It is the cold season. The world would freeze.”

She sighed heavily and let go. He picked up the tome and headed to the kitchen. He placed the book on the cutting board. A knife gleamed in his hooves.

“Avert your eyes, princess. This will not be pretty.”

The princess at first turned her head away. But then the sounds came and she covered her head with a pillow, trying to muffle the terrible rustling of a book spine being cut length-wise, mixed with quiet sobs of the zebra.

Finally a gentle touch awoke her from the stupor. And there the piece of carcass lay in front of her, the front binder damaged, entrails of the poor spine trailing, its leather crudely torn...

She averted her eyes filled with tears. “I... I can’t look at it! Please... Don’t show it to me. Could you read that to me instead?”

The zebra mercifully threw a blanket covering the corpse of ancient poetry. He prepared two cups of his best aromatic tea. Not like that coffee but... after first sips the teary-eyed princess smiled a little.

The zebra picked up the gored piece and opened it on the first page.

Like the horns of a silver buffalo, over the yoke of its golden gates

New moon rises over Erebi, unravels the mysterious fates

of fair princess enslaved and coerced into the tyrant’s heartless embrace

and young ruffian so cunning and sly, too afraid to reveal his true face.

⁂

"And that would be all for tonight, Princess..."

For a moment Luna wanted to protest, to ask him to bring another piece of the book...

Then she screwed her mouth shut. Morning was near, and Luna knew herself well enough to understand that if she started on the second piece, the third would come next...

They shared a look only possible between ones so deeply passionate about literature, so endlessly enthralled.

"It’s still half an hour before I need to start my duties..."

“I am at your disposal until dawn.”

“So do we fornicate now?”

“Do you feel like doing that?”

“No, not really. But... can I lie down by you?”

“Oh, of course!” he made room on the big couch.

The princess trotted to him and snuggled up to the zebra, completely without reservations. “So, what else do you read?”

“The book I read before Yeherebi is “The Legend of Hay House.”. You are unlikely to know it. It is younger by almost a century than Yeherebi... It is a story of war between two crime families, full of betrayals, subterfuge and sudden turns of action.”

“Is the father of the Hay family called Iron Lotus?”

“How do you know?”

“Does he have four young female assassins in his service?”

“Yes, he does. He kidnaps them as foals and brings them up to be his assassins...”

“Except for one dark blue unicorn who betrayed him...”

“Yes, Jirvana!”

“No! Jorvina! They got it wrong! How could they get my name wrong?!”

“Your name?”

“She sneaks all the evidence he had hidden back into his study at night, right?”

“Yes, and then she escapes unnoticed.”

“Despite the yard full of guards, house full of guards and royal emissaries at the gate, huh?”

“I thought that part a little unlikely too...”

“No, it’s all true! Thanks to these beauties,” Luna stretched one of her wings and waved it a little before tucking it back. I flew in and out unnoticed, dropping the spell of disguise for maybe an hour! It took me half a year in that disguise to find enough evidence to pin the old scoundrel!”

Ice Pack’s face got completely blank except for a treacherous grin which threatened to separate the upper half of his skull from the lower. “I am laying snuggled up to Jirvana, and she’s real!”

“Jorvina!”

If Zebras had wings, he’d have the hardest of wingboners now. But instead...

“Jorvina, are you sure you’re not in mood for sex?”

“Let us do some kissing first and I’ll decide.” She grinned mischievously. “It kind of comes with the undercover job, they expect you to kiss them when you mmmmf!” her speech was cut short by his kiss.

Oh, yes, he was such a pro! And so passionate about his job! And... it felt so... genuine...

She pulled back, gasping and smiling.

“Unfortunately, our discussion about the House of Hay left us with not enough time to proceed. I must attend to my duties. But tomorrow we will start earlier, I expect the next part of Yeherebi, and a couple hours for ourselves.” She sent him a smile which sent a pleasant shiver down his back.

She turned and went to the exit, the sway of her hips hypnotizing him...

“Bye, Jorvina,” he muttered as she was crossing the door.

“Bye, Ice Pack.”

And as the door clicked closed, he sighed, looked at himself, then proceeded to do something completely unprofessional...

Day Two

The Four and One Erebi Nights

or

Triple-booked

Day Two
during which caveats of modern economy and communication become evident.

“I want appointment for two for tonight!” a high-pitched, demanding voice sounded in the earphone. “With the zebra.”

“Excuse me, but Mr. Ice Pack is booked for tonight already.”

“Then cancel it, you stupid mare.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t do that.”

*click*

*ring-ring*

“Fun Agency, how may I help you?” Silky Voice asked sensuously.

A suspiciously sweet voice sounded. “Please cancel my appointment for this evening with the zebra.”

“May I ask in whose name the appointment has been made?”

“ARE YOU DENSE? IN MY NAME YOU RETARD! I DON’T WANT ANY ZEBBER GIGOLOS AT MY DOOR TONIGHT, IS THAT CLEAR?”

“All right, all right! Canceling, no need to be nervous ma’am.”

*click*

*ring-ring*

“Is the zebra available yet?” Same foalish voice as before.

This stank to heaven. But what choice did the poor dispatcher have?

“Yes, the appointment has just been canceled.”

“Good! All night, his place.”

“May I have your name?”

“Twilight Sparkle!” a giggle sounded somewhere in the background.

“Thank you, miss Sparkle. Have a nice day.”

Silky Voice opened the phonebook and quickly flipped it to the right page, then dialed the number.

“Ponyville Library, Spike speaking, how may I help you?”

“Can I talk to miss Twilight Sparkle?”

“Twiiiiiiliiiight! Phone!”

A moment later the voice answered.

“Twilight Sparkle here.”

“This is the Fun Agency. Did you just make an appointment with Mr. Ice Pack in your name for tonight?”

“Why, no, wait, why?”

“Somepony has just made it in your name a few minutes ago.”

“Umm... well... thank them?”

“Miss, if it wasn’t made by you in your name, it’s invalid we cannot accept it.”

“Well then... can I make it in my name?”

"Umm... I’m worried the cancellation might have been bogus too. I think the other customer may still show up.

"Oh, I’m sure we’ll work something out. At worst I’ll just yield my place to the rightful appointee. I really don’t mind, but I know Mr. Pack is quite... busy, so I’m not going to miss the opportunity."

"I... will conditionally write you in. But please, I’m not accepting complaints on this one."

"Of course, thank you!"

At last the dispatcher called the zebra. She told everything from beginning to end, just to make sure he gets the image.

"Did the voices that made the booking sound young?"

"Very young."

"I would give my right hoof that was Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon again. They got me on probation with their lies already. And now they try to cancel my appointment with Princess Luna."

"With WHOM?"

"Southern tower, top floor, Canterlot Castle. She is a wonderful customer."

"Uh... maybe I’d better cancel that thing with miss Sparkle..."

"No, look. Princess Luna will be at least an hour late. I would much rather have a witness if the two little terrors show up."

"Suit yourself."

"Thank you for the heads-up."

Night Two

The Four and One Erebi Nights
or
The Two Industrious Fillies.

Night Two
during which the reading of Yeherebi gets interrupted, with dire consequences.

It all started nice enough. Twilight was a charming pony and brought chocolates. She showed up well before sunset, but he didn’t mind - she always tipped generously too. They started with a chat at the table and he convinced her to wait till the two kids show up. ("You would not want to get interrupted, would you?")

Sure enough, maybe five minutes later he heard rather violent kicking at his door. Twilight was sitting in a deep armchair, hidden from the door, but she could hear the whole conversation.

"Service us, Zebra."

"I told you you are too young. Besides, I have a guest."

"A bunch of horseapples! We have booked you for the whole night!"

"No, not you."

"The previous reservation got cancelled!"

"And how would you two know that?"

"I... ah... I heard it from my mom."

"Your mom has no clue who my appointee was."

"Mom has friends with the phone company!"

"Look, my appointee is a very cultured nice lady. She would never shout racial slurs into the receiver. The place of the appointment didn’t match either. Silver Spoon, using this kind of language is completely unacceptable in social spheres to which you aspire!"

Diamond Tiara threw the zebra a loathsome glare.

"You think you have won?! You will see! You won’t get out of prison for that!"

They turned and slammed the door shut.

Ice Pack went back to the table, and sat heavily. "Miss Sparkle, would you testify for me before the court?"

"Oh, I think I’ll have a word with their father first. They definitely need to be put in their place. And don’t worry, if bad comes to worse - I heard more than enough. Now, if you please..."

Twilight stood up from the armchair and lay on the couch, stretching sensuously.

Ice Pack threw a glance outside. It was still barely past sunset, and Twilight wasn’t a very demanding customer.

Then Twilight dug under the pillows with her hoof, with increased panic. She lifted them all with her magic. And there, she found the eviscerated, abandoned piece of Yeherebi.

The pillows rained down.

She started crying uncontrollably, holding the unfortunate piece of the book. She looked with so much despise at Ice Pack, that he fell to knees in front of her.

"Please, forgive me. This... It was a necessity. A world-wide emergency."

Twilight looked at him, her eyes filled with incredulity and tears.

"No morning would come until the book is read whole. Only through this barbaric means could I assure sunrise."

Twilight still sobbed. "Why? How?"

"A thousand years ago premature destruction of the fourth tome left the world in darkness for days. I can not let the history repeat. Yesterday this one was read. Three nights remain."

There was solemn seriousness in his voice. And so, Twilight replied, choking back on tears.

"Give it a decent burial."

"How does one bury a book?"

"A pyre. This is how I lay my books to rest. The ones that didn’t survive children."

"I will then burn all four parts, once they served their purpose."

"But I hope... you’ll forgive me... but I don’t think I’m in the mood anymore."

"Can I give you a comforting hug instead? No charge."

"O-okay..."

Ice Pack sat by Twilight and held her as she rested her head in his masculine chest and sobbed her tears at the epic poetry so barbarically maltreated. "Let me tell you something that should cheer you up," he whispered, while rocking her gently. "Do you know The Legend of the Hay House"?

"Yes, who doesn’t? I don’t really like all the betrayal and bloodshed, but..." Twilight’s mind was off to the new world already. "But I adore the mental strength of some characters..."

"Like Jirvana?"

"Oh, yes... To go through all this secretly!"

"The editors of the book got her name wrong. It was Jorvina."

"How do you know? Did you find any manuscripts?"

"Better than that. I got her personal account of the events."

"Can you show it to me?" Twilight’s eyes shone, the tears forgotten.

"No, I said personal. She told me."

"Now," Twilight frowned. "The book was written good 900 years ago and the events described were an old legend by then already. How do you claim you got her personal testimony?"

"Now, now... that would be telling on my customers. I may ask her if she would like to meet you in person...”

“If you’re making this up, I’m going to be angry.”

There was a knock on the door.

Ice Pack frowned. The sky was still bright, and the stars just began showing up. Some customer with a question about appointment?

He stood up and walked up to the door. He opened.

His jaw dropped.

Brighter coat than usual, though still far from cerulean, but with mane in softer, brighter blue, and with a narrow dagger pointing down for a cutie mark, the slim, tall unicorn mare stood in the door.

“You seemed so fascinated by it yesterday, that I thought I’d wear this disguise for you tonight.”

“I... uh... I did not quite expect you this early. My previous customer is still inside. Should I ask her to leave?”

“Did I interrupt something?”

“No, not really.” he thought how closely he avoided an embarrassing moment.

“I don’t mind. Ask her if she minds me.”

Ice Pack turned to the inside and made a face to Twilight, waving his hooves and pointing to the door alarmed, his mouth moving in voiceless “It is her!”

Twilight nodded eagerly. Ice Pack invited the blue mare in.

Twilight froze. Sure that was a disguise, but that was one extremely well done magical disguise. Her own magic noticed the seams of the spell only because she knew where to look and studied this kind of magic very hard after the changeling invasion, to be able to tell them apart from ponies. Of course this wasn’t a changeling, the set of seams was absolutely different than theirs. This was a mage, and a very competent one.

That coat, that mane...

“Trixie?”

The blue unicorn giggled, turning to her. “No, Twilight Sparkle. Although we have met on a few occasions. Keep trying. You will get it right eventually.”

“You know me?!”

“Quite well, and let me assure, I have read your friendship reports and I believe we like each other better than you and Trixie.”

“You read my...?!” Twilight gasped, aghast.

“Why the surprise? Excuse me, but I am one of the very top secret agents of the royal guard after all. I do receive access to all the top secret documents and Princess Celestia trusts me completely.”

“Then why do you reveal yourself to me?”

“This cover has been blown good twelve hundred years ago. There is no harm in you learning it. And there is no harm in my...” Jorvina stumbled visibly, just before speaking a word too much, “...my benevolent employer’s most faithful and trusted student finding my identity. Of course you are under an oath to preserve my true identity if you discover it.” She giggled a little, then took one of the lavish couches.

Ice Pack brought one more teacup and filled it from the pot for the new guest. She accepted it and took a sip.

“You know,” she said over the cup, “a simple good tea in nice company is more enjoyable than best psychosomatically engineered coffee. And I’m sorry for surprising you with the early arrival...”

“Oh, no, that is my fault.” The zebra waved his hooves. “There was a mix-up at the agency. Some ponies tried to cancel your appointment. And miss Sparkle somehow landed the arguably freed time slot.”

“Yes,” Twilight nodded, “If I’m overstaying my welcome, throw me one frown and I’m gone.”

“That will not be necessary probably for another few hours yet. I have decided to come this early because it’s still good half an hour of travel from Canterlot here on wing, and that was the least thing I could do to stop myself from invading the castle library and helping myself to their copy of Yeherebi. And you know how would that end. I can perform my duties from here just as well as from the Palace, so after I finish them we’ll be able to start with the book immediately. Now excuse me if I’m a little absent-minded over the next hour or two...”

Twilight began adding two and two, but still waited to observe the spells. It wasn’t infrequent as she’d observe her teacher tend to her duties of raising the Sun, adjusting the seasonal temperature change, guiding the tectonic plates drift or reigniting fires of prisons of pre-ancient monsters. Now this magic was different but so similar that in no more than another ten minutes she knew for sure.

“How comes a Princess works as a Secret Agent?!”

“So, you guessed. Well, for a secret agent to be successful nobody can suspect their true identity. Now seeing your disbelief, this is precisely the effect I strive for. And the law grants the agents some far-going liberties, far beyond what a princess is allowed.”

“So, Jorvina, not Jirvana, right?” Twilight grinned.

“And as I borrowed the book from the library today, it seems many more facts are off.”

“I have an idea,” Ice Pack stood up and walked up to the shelf. “What about loud reading with the protagonist’s commentary?”

He was met with two big smiles, so he brought the book and began reading, as Princess Luna would interrupt her spellcasting now and then to add or correct something.

Upon the top of a bare mountain, lashed by rain, snow and wind for centuries, stood the ancient House of the infamous dynasty of Hay.

“...It was in a lush dale at the feet of two mountains, protected from the elements, always mild though often veiled in mists. No snowflake touched the roof of the Hay House in its history...”

⁂

That was mighty brave of you, Jirvana. Would you care to join my daughters?

“...Just the name. The rest is all true, word for word, nod for nod. I can’t help but wonder who gave account this accurate...”

Ice Pack bookmarked the page and closed the book. They got through the first two chapters as Luna finished her “chores.” She took slightly longer than usually due to the interruptions, but she found this mode of work far more enjoyable.

“Thank you for that, Princess!” Twilight bowed low. “I’ll be going now.”

“Feel free to stay for the reading of Yeherebi.”

“Oh, I couldn’t! This must be so deeply personal for you!”

“It is, but... your company is most welcome!”

“Still, I told Spike I’ll be back before midnight, and I’m absolutely sure I could not stop and go home midway through such a reading...”

“Well then, have a nice evening!”

“I already had!” she grinned and trotted to the exit. “Oh, and I’d forget!” she produced a small satchel of coins and left it on the table. “Mister Ice Pack, enormous thanks for your services tonight. It was more enjoyable than ever before!”

The zebra slumped. As much as he enjoyed the evening, that really, really hurt his male pride.

“And Twilight!” the princess called as the unicorn was already halfway out through the door. “Drop in tomorrow too!”

“Of course!”

The door clicked and the zebra went to the kitchen to bring another piece of the cadaver of the book. Soon he was back with the tea and a piece that looked even sorrier than the previous one. They settled down, took a drink, and he read the last lines of what he had spoiled under duress. From then on, it would be all new for Luna...

Do you think, young Jinai it’s so plain? Both your love and your revenge can win?

Why the lives of the two are so bound? Where does depth of your distress begin?

Do not hope to save her and kill him. You will not have enough time for it.

If you return the sword to Kyui, Emir learns, and your life is forfeit.

⁂

They were hardly more than halfway through, when a hard knock on the door was heard. “Open up! Police!”

Then, before Ice Pack got to reach the door, it burst open and two policeponies stormed in in - a bay unicorn and an olive pegasus. Without paying much attention to anything the pegasus knocked Ice Pack on the floor, while the unicorn began beating his back with a baton. “Can’t stay away from young flesh, you scoundrel?! You won’t get away with community service this time!”

“What is that?!” Luna shouted.

“You stay out of this, lady. This scoundrel here has raped two young fillies no longer than two hours ago!”

“He could absolutely not, because he was with me the whole time! Now will you please let him go!”

“Listen, lady,” the pegasus stepped to her in a threatening manner. “You stay out of this. Perjury is a serious crime so you’d better have some proofs to support your words. Trying to cover up for a rapist is not welcome around here. Not to mention everypony will learn you spent a night with a known call-pony, which I’m sure will do wonders to your reputation.”

“Oh, no. First, I witnessed you brutally beating an innocent citizen who wasn’t given as much as a chance to yield. Then you try to stop me from speaking the truth. Now what kind of service for the public is that?”

“Cuffs, I think this lady doesn’t really understand the term ‘authorities’ here. Bring her along.”

The unicorn approached. “You are under arrest, lady. Follow us and do not try to resist.”

“Now under what charges?”

He knocked himself on the leg with his own baton. “Ow-ow-ow, why did you do that? Assault on officer on duty.”

“You are making a big mistake here, mister. I suggest you correct your ways while you can.” she frowned.

The baton floated in front of her face. “Now, miss, don’t make me use this on you. Don’t think I will hesitate because you’re a mare.”

Luna decided to play along for now, really, really mad at the two but quite convinced they are just the very bottom of a much bigger pile of rotten apples. “All right, cuff me.” she said.

⁂

The small police station and the jail were both in the basement of the town hall. The two were led down there and an elder policepony with long mustache began registering Luna.

“Name?”

“Jorvina.”

“We don’t have any ‘Jorvina’ in our records. Your real name.”

“As an operative of the intelligence I am under no obligation to give you my name. Jorvina is my current operative name and you’re under obligation to accept it.”

“Stop making up fancy stories, we’re not in a sensational spy book. This is the real life, miss. Your real name.”

“Verify this with the Canterlot Guard.”

“Ha-ha-ha, and with Princess Celestia too, right? Here, ‘refuses to give real name’, this doesn’t bide well to you.”

“Refusal to acknowledge the authority of operative of the Intelligence is a serious crime, sergeant.”

The old policepony laughed. “You’re funny. Cell number two, next to the rapist. You both will be tried in the morning.”

Luna was led to the cell in the jail. She lay on the simple cot with Ice Pack on the other side of the bars. She healed his bruises with her magic.

“Thank you, Princess, but really, you don’t have to stay with me. I’m sure miss Twilight will testify in my favor and I’ll be all right.”

“No,” she whispered. “Nothing is all right. They broke in and disrupted the reading of Yeherebi. They will suffer greatly. All of them.”

“You know you have the right to one phone call? I have nopony to call, but you might...”

“Oh. I wonder if I should get my sister involved. Uhhh... that’s soo tempting. All right. I’m sure she’ll be ecstatic to be woken up past midnight by her sister calling from jail.” Luna stood up and approached the bars. “Officer, I want to call somepony.”

“Heh, make it quick!” he stood up from behind his desk, unlocked the door and led Luna to the phone.

Luna checked the big phonebook finding the Canterlot Castle extension, still, she held it at such an angle so that the curious officer could not peek. She called it, then added the twentieth element of Friesionacci sequence...

A long signal. Another.

“Look, nobody’s there, go back to your cell.”

“My sister is a heavy sleeper. She will take some time to wake up.”

The policepony frowned but he waited. “You have another minute.”

Finally the sleepy voice answered. “Who’s there?”

“It’s me, sis. I’m calling from the Ponyville police station.”

“Why?! Did something happen? Did somepony steal anything from you?”

“I’ve been arrested for, imagine this, assault on officer on duty.”

“You assaulted an officer on duty?!”

“No, I did not. I just talked back and he arrested me under phony reason. There’s a pony in a cell next to mine, to be tried for rape on small fillies, which was supposed to occur while we were reading a book together.”

Then Luna heard the long signal. The elder officer was holding his baton on the hook. “Now now, miss, talking lies over the phone on nice officers is not very nice. You will return to the cell now.”

Luna turned obediently, and the guard locked the bars behind her, then hid the keys out of range of unicorn powers.

“How did it go?” Ice Pack muttered.

“She knows. I wonder what she does now.”

Without much more to do the two went to sleep. Not before, though, Luna producing some very special astral projections for the “nice policeponies” to visit them in their dreams.

Day Three

The Four and One Erebi Nights
or
The Rise and Fall of the Filthy Empire.

Day Three
during which "Justice" is served.

The morning came on time - Luna decided not to play mean and performed her duties while sitting on her cot. They were given some suspicious-looking oatmeal for breakfast, which they both decided to skip. Then there was taking hoofprints, more questioning, and they got a public defender, who appeared to be a member of the clique, doing the bare minimum required by law, and often not even that. He agreed to call both Twilight Sparkle and Silky Voice for Ice Pack’s witnesses though. Before 9 AM they were led to the courtroom.

There were ten ponies in the prosecution side. Two prosecutors, two policeponies who arrested Ice Pack, and two fillies accompanied by their parents. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were both looking dirty, with scratches but exceptionally smug. Diamond Tiara stuck her tongue out at Ice Pack.

The process began with the two fillies testifying. They played very badly hurt. They faked crying and sobbing. They answered in disturbing detail what Ice Pack allegedly did to them. They confirmed the Moon was already high up when they were on their walk through the outskirts of Ponyville.

Luna made a note: they lied every single word. The adults already knew, but they decided it would be less trouble to have the zebra in prison than to go through unwinding the case with risk of charges of perjury. Not to mention the judge, an elder unicorn mare by the name Scales, winked to Mr. Filthy Rich in a very friendly manner.

Then Ice Pack testified. He told about the two fillies making threats. He told he stayed at home the whole time with two mares present, reading books. The last one elicited laughter from the audience.

Luna turned and scanned the audience. There was Twilight, Rarity and Applejack. She noted Shining Armor, wearing a suit and a necktie. And there was the exceptionally tall, white, slim Mr. Walrus, with big, thick grey mustache, rich grey mane neatly combed back, a monocle and a ridiculously high top hat on his head. Her sister always choose such silly disguises...

Some rather stinky-looking pony was called to testify. “Rotten Apple” was his name and he said he was digging in the trash after moonrise when he saw a zebra walking through the outskirts of the town. That was all the sides wanted to know.

Silky Voice tried to testify about the call. The judge upheld prosecutor’s objection calling the whole event unrelated.

Twilight was called for a witness. She confirmed the visit of the two fillies. But the gist of what the prosecution desired to achieve was reached: Twilight left before the alleged rape was supposed to happen. The prosecutor implied Ice Pack decided to “teach the fillies a lesson” for their threats.

“Calling Jane Doe, who refused to give her name.”

Luna looked around.

“This is you, miss blue unicorn with a dagger for a cutie mark. What kind of cutie mark is it anyway?” The judge pointed her mallet at Luna.

“Better than crooked scales,” Luna stood up approaching the stand.

“Try that again and you’ll face justice for contempt of the court,” the judge threatened.

Luna was sworn in, in the name of Celestia and herself, to tell the truth...

“So, why did you withhold your name from the authorities, miss?” The judge asked.

“I gave them my operative name, which they refused to write down. It is Jorvana, your honor.”

“What kind of horseapples is ‘operative name’?”

“Section 782 of Common Law. Operatives of the Royal Intelligence are forbidden from using their real names while on mission.”

“I see you’ve read some more than criminal books, but we’re having none of this here. What would the Royal Intelligence do after dark in the house of a zebra of ill repute? You stop this nonsense now or you face charges of contempt of court.”

“Calling upon paragraph 42 of aforementioned section I request you contact the captain of the Royal Guard to ascertain my identity.”

“And Princess Celestia too?” the mare laughed. The crowd didn’t catch up. “As I warned you, hereby you are sentenced to fine of five hundred bits for contempt of the court. Now give us your name.”

“Are you refusing to act upon the section 42 to which you are obligated?”

“This is a small town court. Your zebra friend committed a terrible crime and he will spend a long time in prison. It is not a time for your silly antics.”

“You have sentenced him even before hearing all the witnesses?”

“No, not yet, but you seem to be his last witness, and you play this spy drama farce. You could have picked something more original, it’s far too similar to that mare from the Legend of Hay House. Asking Canterlot for reply would unduly delay the inevitable, so let us be done with it. Let us assume your name is Jorvina for the need of this court. Meanwhile, your believability is strongly undermined. The persecution may ask the questions.”

The prosecutor asked.

“Where was Mr. Ice Pack last night, until his arrest?”

“In his house, with me, the whole time.”

“What was he doing? I am reminding you, you are testifying under the oath.”

“Reading books.”

“And you?”

“Listening. Commenting. Drinking tea.”

“That would be all, your honor. I believe we can safely judge the worth of the testimony by this mare.”

“Does the defense have any questions?”

The defender was supposed to ask details about Jorvina as an agent, things that would be easy to confirm and remove doubts. Instead...

“No questions, your honor.”

“Yes, and the image is quite enough. The witness will return to the place. The recess will not be necessary.”

Luna returned to her seat. The judge struck the desk with the mallet three times.

“Ice Pack, for your crime you are sentenced to fifteen years of prison. On top of that, as you have violated the conditions of your probation, your sentence is increased by further seven years for a total of twenty two years. I strongly advise against appealing it. It is an unusually light sentence for this kind of crime.”

There was no applause from the audience. They all knew this case stank, but to dare oppose the clique?

Ice Pack was led out. There was a short commotion behind the door, ponies turned their heads away at sounds of batons hitting flesh...

“Well, so we have one minor case of an assault on the officer yet, plus a serious case of perjury. Miss calling herself Jorvina, what do you have for your defense?”

Jorvina summarized the events, briefly, truthfully.

Then the prosecution called the two officers as witnesses. One of them presented a bump on his leg. “She ripped my baton off and hit my leg with it. I can’t imagine who would believe I would injure myself like that on purpose.”

The pegasus confirmed his colleague’s version. They didn’t mention making any threats. Still, they mentioned her getting very upset about the arrest.

“We also have the testimony of Mr. Rotten Apple who says something quite opposite to miss Jorvina. Perjury is a serious crime, and while the previous charges would end with fine and probation, hereby I sentence you to two years of prison.”

The whispers in the crowd were worried. There, this is what happens to those who speak up...

Luna was led out. But then instead of being led back to the jail, she was stopped at some side corridor. The guards waited, talking in hushed tones.

“Do you think it will take them long?”

“No, it’s usually ten minutes and the scum is all mopped up.”

“Poor guy.”

“His own fault. She warned him not to file the appeal.”

Luna didn’t know what to make of these words at first. Then a jolt of fear jumped up her spine. She sent her life detection spell to the jail.

There were eight sparks of life in the corridor. And one in the adjacent cell.

Waning.

Without another second of waiting she gathered her magic and teleported to the cell. There was Ice Pack, hanging by a piece of a police trousers belt around his neck from the bars. She quickly lifted him, and pushed the escaping spark of life back in, removed the loop of belt and laid him on the cot.

“We’ve got a ’porter! Flint, block her!”

“You’ve made a huge mistake, lady,” a short, grey unicorn, one of the ring of policeponies gathered outside the jail said. His horn glowed and a crude magical field of disturbance surrounded Luna.

Any lesser unicorn would be rendered powerless. Luna though, would be able to push back. And under current distress, she pushed back hard, really hard.

A loud boom sounded, and the unicorn dropped to the floor, screaming, holding the stub on his forehead where his horn used to be a second earlier.

“Flint is down! Kill her! Don’t let her escape!”

Luna gathered her magic and weaved it into the Seal. Let’s see if any of them is a master, or if they are just all a bunch of rotten apples...

The voices died down to low croaking resembling sounds of rusty door in enormous cavern. The ponies slowed down to dream-like dance.

The Seal would buy her about three minutes. The world would progress by three seconds during that time, with the guards slowed, moving like suspended in honey.

Quite casually, Luna got to healing the Zebra’s damaged throat caused by the belt.

There were steps on the stairs.

No, no powerful masters able to overcome the spell. It was Celestia, after dropping her disguise. Shining Armor tried to finish buckling his official uniform, following her - he was another pony powerful enough to overcome the Seal.

"What do we have here, sister?" Celestia asked.

"Seems like attempted murder, with a massive attempt at cover-up.”

“How do we solve it?”

“Will you pick it up as higher instance?"

Celestia winced as if she just ate a lemon. "That always makes me queasy. What about the lost agent scenario?"

"Can be done. But what about these here? I dehorned one accidentally already and it’s bound to devolve at this point."

"Oh come on, just take the zebra away somewhere and sit back. I’ll handle the mess."

"So, you go ask uncomfortable questions..."

"And you bring your friend home. Read some books. Enjoy some tea or coffee. Do whatever you two meet for."

"What are you planning?"

"I will leave them just enough wiggle room to flee and banish themselves from Equestria on their own, although the judge and your attorney may face something harsher. And Mr. Filthy along with Mr. Fork are unlikely to remain lawful parents. I’ll present them with one chance to repair their errors, but they don’t strike me as ones to tackle it. The upbringing of these two fillies reeks."

"Sounds nice enough. Now, the seal will last maybe another minute, better move on!"

Shining and Celestia headed for the exit, as the sleep-walking formation of guards began forming a line, a glow appearing on the unicorns’ horns. Luna cast her spell of mark on unconscious Ice Pack She set a mark of explosion on the floor. There would be just a big hole here in a second of of real time. Some smoke, some flash.

Then, just as a crown of rays began extending from multiple unicorn horns towards her, she concentrated on Ice Pack’s home and blinked away, taking him along. She laid him on his couch and reluctantly picked up the discarded piece of the book, taking the place in the deep armchair to finish reading.

As two wives of the Emir escape, hoof in hoof through the gloom of the night

In the shadows of temple of Seth, their lover and brother await

⁂

The zebra woke up with a start. He looked around the room and spotted the blue mare slowly flipping through some book.

"What time is it?"

"Past noon."

"My appointments!" The zebra stood up, startled and ran towards his desk.

"Calm down. You’ve been abducted." Luna floated him back to his couch.

"What do you mean?!"

"You are hereby nominated a secret associate of the Royal Intelligence."

"As if that worked so well for... No, wait, that was just a dream... I fell asleep while reading! I am so sorry!!"

"You’re really overworking yourself. As I said, calm down and enjoy the moment while it lasts."

"...what? Why?"

"Certain two industrious fillies seem to have led the authorities to a network of nepotism and corruption. You may be summoned as a witness."

"The authorities?" The zebra winced.

"The trusted, real authorities. Come, on, personally, I’m starved. Does your wide range of services include cooking? I have no clue how to use all these modern appliances."

⁂

...meanwhile, at the town hall...

"Mayor, I cannot understate how crucial it is that agent Jorvina is located immediately. Princess Celestia is currently awaiting the report at the Ponyville Library and delays her current departure on a very important mission. And Agent Jorvina is not one to keep the Princess waiting. Whatever happened, it must have been very important."

"Oh, my, captain Shining! I will ask the captain of the police! I think I saw them leading somepony matching your description to the courtroom this morning!"

"Please do. And then please report to Princess Celestia."

Mayor mare ran down the stairs, and soon she was back with the police captain, his face blackened with soot.

"Sir," the policepony began, trying to excuse himself as fast as possible. "We have a situation. I will spare you a moment as soon as it’s been taken care of." He started to turn.

"Attention, lieutenant!"

The pony turned and stood to attention.

"Did you hear ‘Dismissed’?"

"No, sir. But sir, the situation..."

"Did I hear ‘Permission to speak freely?’"

"No, Sir! Permission to speak freely?"

"Denied. Your little petty situation is of no interest to me. An agent of the Royal Intelligence is missing. You and your subordinates will abandon whatever folly you pursuit currently. You will find her and provide any and all aid available to allow her meet up with Princess Celestia at the Library Tree. This is a top priority alert. You are not permitted to fail this. The agent in question, operative name Jorvina, is a tall dark blue unicorn with light blue mane and a dagger for a cutie mark. She was meant to meet her zebra informer last evening. And pray to Celestia that nothing bad happened to her during your watch! Dismissed!"

The policepony turned and walked back down the stairs to the police station slowly.

Shining Armor sent a jolt of energy from his horn at the officer’s back. "Move, you inept cur!" he shouted.

The policepony ran.

⁂

“Mr. Fork, Mr. Filthy...”

“Rich, if you please.”

“Do not interrupt me, Mr. Filthy, Captain Shining Armor has been investigating what happened to my agent. As you probably know by now, she was scheduled to meet her contact and spend this night at his place, gathering intelligence and writing a report for me. It appears somepony attempted to cancel her appointment. Luckily, after first few very unfortunate misunderstandings the agency for which the informer works records all calls.”

“Princess, but what does that have in common with us? Silver, do you have any clue?”

“No, Rich! Why should I ever hear about this... ‘agency’?”

“Twilight, would you replay the recording please?”

“Fun Agency, how may I help you?”

“I want appointment for two for tonight with the zebra.”

“Excuse me, but Mr. Ice Pack is booked for tonight already.”

“Then cancel it, you stupid mare.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t do that.”

*BEEP*

“Fun Agency, how may I help you?”

“Please cancel my appointment for this evening with the zebra.”

“May I ask in whose name the appointment has been made?”

“ARE YOU DENSE? IN MY NAME YOU RETARD! I DON’T WANT ANY ZEBBER GIGOLOS AT MY DOOR TONIGHT, IS THAT CLEAR?”

“All right, all right! Canceling, no need to be nervous ma’am.”

*BEEP*

“Is the zebra available yet?”

“Yes, the appointment has just been canceled.”

“Good! All night, his place.”

“May I have your name?”

“Twilight Sparkle!”

“Thank you, miss Sparkle. Have a nice day.”

“Oh, so Tiara and Spoon have been prank-calling again!”

“Don’t you see anything inappropriate in this?”

“But it’s completely harmless!”

“Now, Twilight, would you care to cast the recording spell?”

Twilight concentrated and a shining sphere of light appeared over her horn, vibrating as it replayed the conversation.

"Service us, Zebra."

"I told you you are too young. Besides, I have a guest."

"A bunch of horseapples! We have booked you for the whole night!"

"No, not you."

"The previous reservation got cancelled!"

"And how would you two know that?"

"I... ah... I heard it from my mom."

"Your mom has no clue who my appointee was."

"Mom has friends with the phone company!"

"Look, my appointee is a very cultured nice lady. She would never shout racial slurs into the receiver. The place of the appointment didn’t match either. Silver Spoon, using this kind of language is completely unacceptable in social spheres to which you aspire!"

"You think you have won?! You will see! You won’t get out of prison for that!"

“What now?”

“Oh, my little darling! I’m sure she didn’t mean that! Now, Silver, they would never...”

“Rich, I have a bad feeling about this...”

“Mister Fork, Mister Filthy, your daughters managed to get an Intelligence employee sentenced to twenty-two years of prison for crimes he didn’t commit. And in the process they managed to imprison my agent, endangering... No, wait Twilight, what time is it?”

“Half past three...”

“Utterly thwarting an important international mission. Do you plan to do anything about this?”

“I...” mister Rich nervously looked at his watch, “I’ll talk to her the first thing in the morning.”

“Why not today?”

“I have two absolutely essential business meetings I must attend.”

“And mister Fork?”

“I will find time in the evening as soon as I’m back from the Art Society meeting!”

“Not earlier?”

“I am presiding the meeting and I have a very important presentation!”

“Well, I had one absolutely essential international mission to attend but your lack of oversight over your daughters has already thwarted that. Considering your continued inability to prioritize, I am forced to take steps. The two young ladies will be sent to a correctional facility.”

“Oh, but Princess! I am sure this would not be necessary!” the businesspony took an “all business” stance. “I hope we can work out some deal. I’m entirely willing to compensate the complete losses of your mission and more, and I will have a word with my daughter as soon as I’m back from my meetings!”

“I’m afraid the diplomatic losses are beyond compensation but if you can compensate the financial ones...” Princess Celestia frowned, “I might try to overlook your failings so far. Twilight, would you pass mister Filthy my Canterlot Bank account number? I estimate the losses on the mission have been at least five hundred million equestrian bits a year, for next six years, for a total of three billion bits. As soon as the indicated amount reaches my account I’m willing to entirely forfeit any complaints.”

Mr. Rich appeared somewhat pale.

“Mister Filthy, look, I may of course distribute the amount over the six years mentioned. Five hundred million a year. I can even give you time until end of the week if you need time to liquify some of your assets for the first installment. I’m really flexible when it comes to finances.”

“I... may have overestimated my financial abilities. My combined assets wouldn’t be enough for a tenth of the first installment.”

Princess Celestia went back to the serious, stern tone.

“And your two essential meetings? Do their profits come nearly close to the losses your daughter has generated? Your reckless behavior has grown harmful to Equestria. Your daughter has grown dangerous to the society and you appear entirely unable to deal with the fallout. The correctional facility is not a nice place but it is efficient. Foals of parents unable to give them a proper upbringing enter. Fair, honest, upstanding citizens leave its walls. And you will have all the time in the world to perform your business. For whatever good it does to you.”

“But princess! Can I...” Rich began but got interrupted.

“You had your chance when you talked to miss Cheerilee a year and a half ago. You choose to ignore her requests. You choose to threaten her with making her lose her job if she tries to discipline your daughter. I believe this is when your daughter learned the art of blackmail from you, which led to today’s situation.”

The brown stallion sat, silent.

“And mister Fork, since the unfortunate events left me with this evening free, I’ll be visiting your Art Society meeting.”

“Really?!” The grey stallion’s ears perked up. He didn’t like his daughter anyway.

“I’m planning to present some modern music, a rather shocking piece of modern art that has been created basing on recording of your daughter. I’ll be sure to give credit for its creation where it’s due. Twilight, would you please?”

Twilight put a record on the turntable and switched the music on. The beat and scratching was soon followed by remixed vocals.

Are you dense? Are you dense? Are you dense? Are you dense? Are you dededededededense?

Zebbbbbbbbbbbber!

⁂

“Luna, I didn’t realize this wasn’t the first time. I’m not so sure letting them flee the borders of Equestria was a correct choice.”

“How many years?”

“What?”

“Oh, yes, and what. Insomnia or nightmares?”

Night Three

The Four and One Erebi Nights

or
The Royal Intelligence

Night Three
during which the Royal Sisters find what they desired but didn't seek.

“So, you really only read books?” Celestia frowned to Luna, settling in the biggest couch as Twilight brought tea and Ice Pack opened The legend of Hay House on the bookmarked page.

“Oh, I’m not saying it won’t devolve into something else if the mood allows. But so far first night there was not enough time until morning. And last night the police intruded.”

“Don’t call them that. They were uniformed thugs. I’ll make sure Ponyville gets a real police crew.”

“And make sure if Filthy tries to bribe them they put him in prison, all right?”

“Of course. His days of reign in this town come to an end. He has many concessions that expire soon. I don’t think the renewal requests will be approved.”

Ice Pack took a sip from his cup. “Shall I begin?”

“Please.” Celestia nodded.

There, in the deep shadow of the alcove, stood a pony like no other ponies. He was exceptionally tall and slim, the white coat giving him a ghostly atmosphere, although his legs bore him with unusual bounciness. Thin, long mustache hung from his narrow mouth halfway to the ground, and a narrow, tall fez adorned his head. The grey mane was woven into multiple braids, and the soft, silk kimono latched with countless tiny buttons bore pictures of dragons and salamanders embroidered in gold, copper red and emerald greens.

“Master Su Shi, nice to meet you again,” Jirvana smiled.

“Countless?” Princess Celestia frowned. “It had only four large buttons and my tailor made a point that not a single one more was allowed.”

“Wait,” Ice Pack frowned. “How many agents does the Royal Intelligence employ?”

“Now, this is a classified information...”

“I would say two. Both are here now.”

“Mister Ice Pack, you’re too smart for your own good. Of course this information is absolutely top secret. Revealing it would be considered high treason.” Celestia failed to sound scornful, the good humor forcing its way onto her face.

"Of course, agent Su Shi!"

⁂

“High time for us, Twilight!” Celestia grinned to her student. “It’s been a long time since I had such a nice evening. So, Ice Pack, would you mind booking an evening for me sometime later this month?”

“Princess?!” Twilight’s mouth stayed open in shock.

“Twilight, we are all adult here. I’m not married. I have my needs and asking the guards or servants would be an abuse of my position. Nobleponies of Canterlot are so boring and uncreative, and the agencies are hit-or-miss, usually providing some uncouth, arrogant buffoons. Now to meet a call-zebra with class and wit is a rare luck and I will not miss the opportunity!”

“Of course, Princess.” Ice Pack nodded. “I owe you big. This is the least I can do, and it will be a pleasure!” He walked up to his desk and checked his calendar, pausing. “But please don’t use these disguises.”

“Sure thing,” the princess laughed.

“How does 17th sound? Saturday on Sunday?”

“Excellent. Past sunset, allow half an hour for flight. One thing more. Your tea is simply godly. May I know what blend it is?”

“Oh, my own mix. I will write down the recipe, and please have a box of it for now.”

“Sis.” Luna turned to Celestia. “You still don’t want me to project a psychosomatic tea blend for you?”

“Luna, the taste may be otherworldly, but the behaviors it compels are deriding. I’m not going to be explaining hoofprints on the ceiling to my servants.”

“A little self-discipline...”

“...while drinking tea? Tea is to be indulged in. Besides, we had this talk how many times?”

“All right, all right. I’m not forcing you. I just don’t get it, a drink made to be as excellent as only possible, designed to incite pure bliss, and nopony ever wants to drink it...” Luna slumped.

“Why?” Twilight stopped halfway to the door. “I still keep the box you gave me, for most special of occasions.”

“That’s it!” Luna sniffed a little. “And I bet you didn’t even open it?”

“Oh, no, I made it twice already. Once during the after-party after beating Discord, and once during the after-party after my brother’s wedding.”

“Well, that’s... not as bad as some... I’ve seen some of these cans untouched after a thousand years...”

“Maybe their owners just lead an extremely dull life?”

Luna just kept sitting slumped. Celestia picked the recipe and box Ice Pack held to her, sent them magically to her room, then gathered Twilight under her wing, motioning her to the exit and they walked out, while Ice Pack picked up a small booklet from the shelf, sitting ...intimately close to Luna.

“Princess, I think I know where the problem may lie. This is a book of short zebra stories for foals from my sides. In it is a legend about a king-wizard who really wanted to make all his subjects happy. It is a three-minute read maybe.” He opened the book on the right side. “I will prepare new pot of tea and get the third piece of Yeherebi, while you read this.”

He left the book in Luna’s lap, and the first sentence somehow just leaped to her eyes, and she read on...

There was a good king-wizard, who wished all the best for his subjects. Using his mighty skill of alchemy, he developed an elixir that would make his subjects always happy, always looking at the good side of things no matter how bad would matters get. He mandated all his subjects to drink the potion, and only he, himself didn’t drink it.

For a time he thought it’s all good, receiving only praise from his advisors, and watching subjects happy about their jobs, happy about their leisure time, and seeing the upsides in whatever shortcomings happened in their lives. But then he began noticing disturbing symptoms. A smiling group of zebras was carrying a coffin.

He walked up to the first one. “Who is being buried?” he asked. “It’s my mother,” the young zebra replied. “I loved her dearly, but now as she passed away, I inherited much money, and her room, so I’m happy she died.”

The king was disturbed by this, but he accepted the reasoning.

Spies of an evil queen of a neighbor country of harpies discovered the situation, and the queen thought it is all too good an opportunity to conquer the neighbor. After all, the fools would never realize the danger, would they? It was a miscalculation on her part. The zebras fought fiercely and mercilessly, without fear and without regrets, harpies raining from the sky, no prisoners taken. They marched for the harpy capital and razed it to the ground. And in the end, as the king rode with a triumphant parade, he cried seeing the destruction, thousands dead in the war, mighty relics of history burning, villages of innocent civilians destroyed. “Why don’t you shed a single tear for the fallen?” he cried out in anguish. “But your majesty,” his trusted general would answer, “We are victorious! Why grieve the fallen when you can cheer the spoils of war, welcome the peace and enjoy the new safety?”

The king, deeply shaken closed himself up in his chamber, deep in thought.

Around that time a plague struck the country, and many would die. The king ate some oranges, for they boost immunity to disease, then went among his citizens, to see if he can help.

And he saw them happily throwing corpses out to the street, happily burning plague-struck houses, happily starving and happily dying. And they all would see increasingly vague and silly reasons for joy while not ever grieving the fallen.

The king finally locked himself up in his study and developed a vaccine that would simultaneously cure the plague and neutralize the potion of happiness.

As the antidote was distributed, he saw something he didn’t see before. His subjects crying with happiness over their fallen friends. This disturbed him more than anything before, and he asked a mother cradling her newly dead foal, why is she laughing.

She raised her tears-filled eyes to him.

“Because at long last I can grieve my dearest child. Finally can I not feel happy that I won’t be woken up at night and not despise myself for it. No longer do I want to kill myself for cheering the savings. An important half of me has been returned, and my dearest child will be seen away with respect and love she deserved, not thrown away as unimportant burden. For this I am thankful, and I cry tears of joy that at last I am able to look in the mirror without hate.

And so, the king, enlightened, stopped dreaming of making all his subjects happy, and took to ruling them in such a way that they had as few reasons to be sad as only possible.

Luna at first wanted to say something, but she fell silent, deep in thought. She tilted her head, a hard smile on her mouth. “You know, there’s a wisdom in that. I’ll try to make some corrections to the recipe."

“So, here we go.” The zebra lay the tray with the cups and teapot on the table and moved the offal of the book to his couch.

“I find it rather hard to believe. The wife of Emir would take the sword?.”

“Not yours is to question my account. Now, master, make the cure for my lord.”

So gentle and quiet Imira grew to play the Emir’s wife and queen,

“Don’t dare to tarry, don’t dare to slow.” Her orders so firm, fearless and keen.

⁂

“...You broke halfway through a dialogue! At least finish it!”

“Oh, this is a request I must refuse, Princess. Temptation would be too great.”

“But why? Just some four lines more...”

“Because I did not pick the pages to cut at random. I read it. Very recently. Very thoroughly. I swear it would not stop there. Big things happen within the next four lines.”

“This is so frustrating...”

“But think about what happens so far! Don’t you love how Imira, such a quiet mouse through the first three books, transforms into a warrior queen?”

“Uh, yes! I got lulled into believing she’s an insignificant background horse, and then she reminds all she’s of the fierce Ark-Teke blood! But I don’t like how Jinai got into a secondary position.”

“Oh, he’s so getting back into spotlight very soon!”

“You’re so frustrating!”

“I’m pretty good at relieving frustrations though.” The zebra sent the princess a mischievous smile.

“You know you don’t have to. I’m quite satisfied. Of course I wouldn’t mind...”

“Oh, but I really would like to... wait, no. I am being unprofessional.”

Luna grinned, and shed the spell of disguise like one sheds a clothing. “Come on, be completely unprofessional with me.”

⁂

If you like clop, use the password "Erebi" to access the special NSFW/18+/XXX chapter: “Friends with Benefits.”

If you don’t like clop, just skip it. It’s not essential to the story.

⁂

She lay on her back, with a wide grin on her face, her breath slowly calming down. “That was fun!”

The zebra stretched, relaxed. “Oh, yes.” He snuggled up to Luna. “A dream come true.”

“Really?” She turned her head to him. “I mean... I found out you didn’t take the cheque. I still don’t quite know why. And you must be getting hundreds of mares, and some way more skilled, more... uh, better than me.”

He turned his head to her, their noses almost touching. “Jorvina...” he said, and then gave her a light kiss. They kept kissing for a while, lightly, gently. “Do you sometimes get a crush on a character from a book?”

“But... Jorvina is... Just a disguise. Not real.”

“Yesterday Jorvina saved my life. She found and destroyed a web of corruption. Tell me that was not real.”

“Actually, it was my sister who did all the destroying. And I didn’t really discover it. It kinda... came to me by itself.”

“She just set off the bombs you placed. And you could have let them take me...”

Luna gave him a little smirk and a frown. “Could I?”

He just shook his head. They lay for a while.

“But it’s not me you find attractive, it’s that fake Jirvana from the book...”

“Do you think I adored the disguise? The book described a hero. That hero is real. That hero saved my life. That hero is dripping my cum. She likes it. This makes me happy.”

“Now if you put it that way...” Luna smiled, and pulled Ice Pack closer with her wing. “We still do have another hour until I have to begin my chores.”

Day Four

The Four and One Erebi Nights
or
The Psychosomatics

Day Four
during which Princess Luna makes coffee.

“Skip that radio and the camera. Teach me cooking.”

“But princess! You have servants for that... and...” the young technician lay his ears along his neck. “I don’t know cooking.”

“But you know the basics, the appliances, don’t you?”

“Umm... yes...?”

“Grinding. Mixing. Frying. Brewing. Straining. Drying. Baking. I have a very special coffee blend to make.”

“Oh, I think I understand... it’s more of alchemy than cooking, isn’t it? I know there’s a university laboratory...”

“No, no, no. Nopony ever wants to drink coffee prepared in a laboratory. Besides, appliances used daily for cooking food are... infused with certain spirit... Try coffee with water from a kettle that boiled water for coffee a thousand times, and from a brand new one...”

“I get it. Magic.” The technician’s look bore sudden respect, recalling the princess is not some cute filly but a truly mighty, ancient magician. “I think I can do some of it... and I can get a cook to teach you the rest.”

They got to work, taking over the palace kitchen, disrupting the work of the royal cooks, and taking over ovens, heaters, blenders, coffee grinders, mixers, all kinds of appliances. Luna was so hungry for knowledge, so obsessed, that the young technician was sweating profusely, as he finished the lesson under the wary eye of the master cook. Meanwhile, the master cook, while ired at the princess’ antics, would not dare to oppose her wish, and would correct the technician whenever he’d make a mistake describing the operation of given appliance.

As they finished, Luna picked a section of the kitchen for her own use, set her chosen ingredients on the big table and began chanting the spell she had worked on the whole morning. She began preparing the blend. She danced and pranced between the pots and appliances, grinding, grating, chopping, mixing, adding, stirring, straining, and chanting all the while.

A few pine needles to add the pining.

A strand of strangler to prevent straining.

Will-o-the-wisp for wistful feeling.

Peels from an orange to feel more appealing.

Freedom from fern grown in the Everfree

Bee honey and sting for honesty.

Shamrock to allow shame to surface.

Ten grains of quicksand to set the pace.

A cone of fir to help fight your fear.

Burnt caramel for the bittersweet tear.

Forget-me-nots for feeling blue.

A bit of clover to give you clue.

A dash of dashing, arousing rose,

Binding of bindweed for staying close,

A clove for love, a hot bit of heather,

A grain of pepper to make you feel better

And coffee so dark to summon the night,

to bear the burden of the mixture’s might.

As Luna finished, putting the mix in the grinder in the end, and running it for a minute on highest speed, the aroma made her eyes fill with tears. That wasn’t the same wonderful blend as her psychosomatic coffee. It was something... different. She had no doubts, it wouldn’t be any more popular than her previous blend. Ponies would be extremely reluctant to try it. Still, trying it once would suffice...

The work occupied her so much that when she peered outside, the Sun was about to dip behind the horizon. She would be late to Ponyville - she had to stay in Canterlot for her evening chores.

She packed the new blend into a coffee can and returned to her room, pondering whether to try it on herself first, or save it for the evening.

No, no experimenting with psychosomatic beverages before raising the Moon. The coffee would have to wait.

Night Four

The Four and One Erebi Nights
or
The Princess and The Rogue

Night Four
...which concludes the story.

Luna almost crashed with Twilight Sparkle in the door of Ice Pack’s home. Twilight was leaving in a hurry.

“Won’t you stay a little longer, Twilight?”

“No, I’d love to but... I have learned an important thing about friendship and it’s Tuesday and evening and it’s been awhile since I’d written the letter to Princess Celestia and...”

Twilight stopped and hung her head. “I’d love to. But I really have to write that letter. It’s not that it’s urgent. It’s not. It will just let me... gather my thoughts.”

“What happened, Twilight?!”

“It’s Ice Pack...” she raised her eyes, and tears welled in their corners. “He’s... He’s... so nice!”

She turned and galloped away into the night.

Luna stepped in. There was Ice Pack on the couch, looking scared and depressed.

“What happened?” she frowned, while settling in the armchair by the table.

“I did something unforgivable. Something very unprofessional.”

Luna’s frown deepened.

“I... talked how I feel about books. Everything! That Polo Caballo is an overrated talentless bore. His The Fisherpony is a worthless, pretentious tapeworm of a book. That Flight over the Phoenix Nest made me proud to be a zebra. That Ta’il Mara, and not The Chronicles of Canterlot speaks the true soul of Equestria! That I believe The Nightmares is far superior to Hack-Amore. All my true thoughts!”

“And this is bad how?”

“I think she got a crush on me.”

“Oh. I guess that is a bit unprofessional.” Luna put the coffee can on the table. “But I guess it shouldn’t be too harmful...” Then she did a double take. “Ta’il better than Chronicles?” She frowned.

“No! Not better! Just...” the zebra tried to hide in the corner of his couch, suddenly realizing what he blurted out and to whom. “...just more true...” he muttered, his eyes filled with fear.

But Luna didn’t seem to be angry. She was amused. “That’s a mighty bold thing of you to claim. You know I really wanted to have Ta’il banned for a time and its followers persecuted. Celestia barely convinced me that slowly phasing it out will draw less opposition. Oh, stop cowering! I witnessed what you went through two days ago myself. I’d be the last pony to blame you for losing faith in ponykind. Come...” she trotted to him and lay by him. “So, you read Ta’il M’ara. What do you think it is about?”

He looked at Luna, still worried. She gave him a reassuring smile.

“It is a horrible book. The story is enthralling and beautiful but unimportant. It feels like an ornate cover on the real book. A very dark book. It is a guide book how to be a terrible, evil pony and feel good about it. The ending is one big lie. It should be read in reverse: Evil won. See how impossible it was for Good to win! ”

“Would you ever follow the teachings of M’ara L’aine?”

“I was really tempted. I think if in prison I would.”

“And so you understand why we wanted to have the book phased out...”

“With all respect, I disagree. The book does not makes ponies bad. The two little brats did not read it. I do not think their father did either...”

“Continue, please.”

“It does not make ponies go bad. It just helps them fit in once they do. It describes the spirit, not creates it. Without the book they find their own ways.”

Luna nuzzled him, tenderly, her gentle, mysterious smile still not reassuring Ice Pack of his safety, but... a calmness encompassed him. If she condemns him, he would submit. Trust her judgment, even if it means his doom...

“Celestia was right, you’re too smart for your own good. You claim dangerous truths, mister zebra. It took me nearly two hundreds years to discover what you just said. Still, the book encourages, helps them. Makes it easier.”

“I agree. I would never consider going bad without reading T’ail M’ara.”

“And what does make ponies go bad?”

“I do not know. Is it greed? Is it uncertainty? Is it fear?”

“You don’t know. I’m glad you don’t know. You’d be sad if you knew.”

“You would have to lock me up?”

“No, but... you’d have a hard time trusting ponies ever again. You trust me now, don’t you?”

“I do.”

“But I went bad once already. It took two hits from Elements of Harmony to bring me back. And they hit really, really hard.”

“But she burned Yeherebi!”

“I can’t blame her really. I was really behaving like a spoiled brat at times. Bed of chocolate, butterfly dust for eyeliner, this kind of fancies to kill my endless boredom. Sis was really getting tired of my shenanigans back then. I really had this coming.”

“But you are better now?”

“I hope so. Let me just tell you one of factors that help ponies go bad: Solitude. Lack of friends.” Luna nibbled the zebra’s mane in a soft caress, but his ears drooped.

“This is a very bad idea. My reputation. Your reputation. We really should not.”

“A princess and a rogue?”

“You outclass Eritia, but I am no Jinai. And even if I were...”

“But they... they did... didn’t they?”

The zebra stood up, went to the kitchen and brought the last piece of the paper carrion. He settled in his big armchair and began reading.

Luna caught a breath. “It doesn’t end well, does it?”

Ice Pack didn’t reply. He just read.

“Jinai, Eritia, I’m sorry.” Imira the thief’s hopes refuted

“The rule of this country unchallenged needs ruler who is undisputed

Hamaruk won’t live past tomorrow, his wedding is valid, that’s known.

Eritia must rule Erebistan, can’t marry commoner and rogue.”

⁂

Under the ruin of Erebi, basking in light of moon crescent

Lies daughter of king of Ark-Teke, her brother of so noble descent,

Sword broken that carried the power, embedded in tyrant’s heart rotten,

Lies master and student of magic, their secrets lay buried, forgotten,

The soldiers of Emir and rebels, and children and mothers innocent,

Lie templars of Seth, god of desert, powerless in fury impotent.

In gardens by ruins of palace, where willows and olives burnt lie

two lovers of marble, immortal, embracing in despair, can’t die.

Ice Pack closed the last piece of the book and lay it on the table.

Luna was completely stunned, lying motionless with tears in her eyes.

Ice Pack wouldn’t disturb. When he read it himself, it took him nearly half an hour to chew through the thoughts about the consequences - how does one feel, buying eternity in embrace of beloved, for that kind of price?!

He waited some more, but as the minutes began to drag on, he decided maybe to do something constructive... like coffee. Finishing Yeherebi surely counts as a special occasion, doesn’t it?

He picked the can and went to the kitchen, set the kettle on fire and prepared two cups. He opened the can and felt tears in his eyes. The memories of all the best books he ever read came, the most touching endings...

He prepared two cups and sat, waiting for the water to start boiling...

Waiting was never his strong side. Oh, idea. He walked up to his wardrobe, opened a drawer and picked up an embroidered handkerchief one of mares gave him for Hearths Warming. He walked up to Luna and put it on her hoof.

She looked at it, then wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

She looked at him, trying to say something, find voice, find the words, fruitlessly. He gave her a gentle smile and a nod - he knew exactly what she wanted to say. He was just as clueless how to put it in words, or what words to use to reply, but they needed no words.

She returned the weak smile, and he trotted back to the kitchen. Three minutes later he carried the two cups with steaming coffee, spreading the aroma that would summon some of the most vivid memories.

Luna smiled weakly again, raising the cup with her magic. Ice Pack picked his own with both hooves.

They drank it, and let the magic sink in.

They put the cups back on the table. Ice Pack stood up and lay by Luna.

They embraced and cried and whispered their promises...

...

“If they discover, if they try to make it a scandal, they will have an opportunity to write very detailed books about the Moon. They will be seeing it really up close. No matter what happens, you have a friend now, and whoever tries to destroy that, is up for some real trouble.”

...

“You know that you are my best... my only friend but I can not truly love you?”

“Yes, I can sense it. What is her name? Do I know her?”

“Zecora. She is a herbalist from the Everfree Forest. I never dared...”

“I know about her. I will send her some dreams. You can count on me.”

...

“My sister still blames herself for my... folly from a thousand years ago... I really have no right to ask you...”

“Please, ask. If a way exists, I want to know.”

“This coffee. Serve us this coffee at the right time.”

“Consider it done.”

...

“I am worried about Twilight. I really do not want to break her heart.”

“I’ll give her a dream to set things straight. Everything will be fine.”

...

“Please, just don’t laugh. I still don’t know how to use the modern bathroom. I teleport everything away into the woods. I didn’t dare to ask the servants.”

“I will teach you. You do not need to feel embarrassed. They should be ashamed that they did not guess.”

...

“I promised Twilight a proper burial for Yeherebi.”

“Oh, no. I’ll have the world’s best bookbinder repair it.”

...

“Get rid of that horrible book.”

“T’ail? I do not...”

“No, The Fisherpony.”

“Oh, with pleasure. Bookcase by the door, top shelf. There is still enough fire in the hearth. Would you do the honors?”

...

“Teach me all about sex.”

“With pleasure!”

...

“What duties do I have as a secret associate of the Royal Intelligence?”

“None really, just protection... oh, wait, this is not what you’re asking, are you?”

“Gathering gossips, secret meetings, espionage...?”

“Oh, we’re so gonna rock together!”

...

“The way it all came together... I still can’t believe the luck.”

“It was not just luck entirely. You should give your astral projections a way to contact you when the problems get over their heads. Facing my fears almost got me killed.”

“Oh! I... All right, I will!”

...

So brief the exchanges, so fast, they didn’t need to tell much, they didn’t need to ask, they understood each other perfectly and they’d do everything in their power to help each other.

...

“It’s so good to have a friend.”

“Oh yes, it is.”

⁂

Author's Note

And they lived happily together and had lots and lots of...
trouble.

If you got this far, Please!!! Comment! I love long comments and discussion!