If I’m going to tell you the story of my life, I need to do it quickly, before I get too far off topic, then go on a rant not at all related to the story, like how I have an extremely uncalled for hatred of trees, or my opinion on rabbits. I can’t stand rabbits, I mean they think that just becau- Do you see what I mean? Off topic. Unless of course the topic is trees and rabbits, in which case I will happily tell you about them. The reasons I hate trees is mostly because their everywhere and they try to kill us with those evil coconuts- Damnit, I’m sorry but I can’t help it.
Anyways, I’m going to tell you my life story. Well, literally, I’m not going to tell you. I’m going to write this down, and you’re going to interpret the notation on the screen or page or whatever as words, and then- What the hell is wrong is with me? Somepony slap me. I can’t stay on friggin’ track!
Okay, one more try. You can call me Viper. I’m a Pegasus. I was born in Canterlot. My parents were diplomats, working in the Griffon Empire, as tension between them and Equestria were very high back then. They were on the brink of war, and my parents were trying to peacefully resolve that, so no griffons or ponies would have to die in a brutal war. While they were there, I was born, a colt with a tan coat and a dark grey mane outlined by white, with dark forest green eyes. They named me Crotalus Horridus. I fucking hate that name. So I just go by Viper.
They were almost out of the Griffon Empire without being mugged or murdered, which is surprising considering the two species’ resentment. But the roads they were traveling curved around a mountain, which had a rather high frequency of earthquakes.
The trip was going well, until, a chunk of the mountain collapsed, and happened to smash straight into our carriage. It crushed the drivers and the carriage toppled down the side of the mountain. My mother held me tight in her arms. I blacked out while we were still falling.
When I Awoke, we were in a deep pit, the carriage destroyed, the drivers bodies smashed and bloodied were jutting out from under a huge boulder. When I got up I saw something nopony should ever have to see. My parent’s corpses were lying on the ground.
I was terrified and devastated, mostly because even at that young age, I still knew what ‘dead’ was. When you spend four years in a crime stricken, poverty stricken country, you kind of can’t help but know about stuff like that.
My time in that pit was horrible. I probably lost about 40 pounds. I almost starved. I had no food, and the only water was a small puddle from an earlier storm.
If that search team hadn’t heard me shouting for help, I would have most likely died. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I often have vivid nightmares about it.
After my parents died, my aunt in Ponyville started to take care of me. I started school there and by the third day, got in serious trouble.
It wasn’t my fault. I was just minding my own business, when suddenly, Somepony trips me. So I gave him a piece of my mind. I got up, bucked him, shot towards him, and landed a punch in his face. I chipped his teeth, and got a suspension, but I didn’t care, that dick had it coming. That was also the day I got my Cutie mark. A partially coiled snake, in mid strike. Alright, from now on I’m going to stop being so far in the past, and describe my story day by day, with gaps every now and then, so let’s get started. Again.
I had been in Ponyville about two years, and had spent a year in school. I was about to head into class, when I saw a filly, about my age, fall over. I also noticed the hind leg tripped her. “Aww... What’s wrong Derpy? Lost your balance?” Said the colt that tripped her. I trotted over to him. “Looks like you’re having fun.” I said. He replied “Maybe I am. Now why don’t you leave if you know what’s good for you!”
“If you know what’s good for you, you will leave this filly alone.”
“What are gonna do? Tell on me?”
“No. I’m gonna beat the crap out of you.”
“Oh, it’s on!” He charged me, a very stupid move. At the last second, I shot up, and landed on his back. I then lifted him about a foot off the ground, and then dropped him. As a finishing move, I bucked him in his ‘gems’.
I looked at the filly, she had a grey coat and a blonde mane and tail. “Are you okay?” I asked her. “Yeah. I think so. Thank you. I’m Ditzy.” “Call me Viper. Sorry about that.” And with that I walked in for another boring day of class. During lunch, Ditzy asked if she could come over to my house after school. I accepted, and ate my lunch next to her. After school I told my aunt about Ditzy, and she seemed rather happy. “Well, I think it’s good you finally found a friend.”
Ditzy and I talked, a lot. We told a couple jokes. When we were done, I asked if she wanted to come by again soon. I happily agreed, and with that, she left. I climbed in bed and started sleeping.
I shot out of bed, sweat running down my forehead. That same Goddamn nightmare. I decided to practice for the rest of the night. Practice What? Hoof-to-hoof combat.
I mercilessly beat a training dummy, and then at around dawn I went outside and practiced flying. I was young, but a rather good flyer for my age, by that I mean, I can get about a foot off the ground, or fly at all.
