Giving a fuck is a first term thing
Obama Takes It From Equestria
By Krass McWriter
(I’m out of the army now, and you can’t stop me!)
“Hi, I’m Cassandra and this is CNN live on the scene at the LA Marathon here in Los Angeles. earlier this evening, a young filly received her cutie mark crossing the finish line. The resulting ‘victory dance’ caused many members of the crowd to be rushed to the hospital for diabetic comas where many are in critical condition and several have already expired. There is no word from Celestia on whether this attack was deliberate or not and President Obama’s press conference is not for another fifteen minutes, so I’d just like to say how bad this is. It’s pretty terrible.
“...
“My cameraman is urging me to do something else, so let’s grab random people who were probably here early and sat around hoping they could get on live national tv. Sir!”
“Huh? Me?”
“Yes you, now come over here. Were you here when it happened?”
“Sort of, I didn't see anything really. Ju-”
“Well, thanks for nothing loser. Next person. You m’am, did you see anything?”
“Oh my goodness, it was so adorable she was dancing and prancing and it was just so cute! Then everybody started collapsing and the ambulances came. Oh, I got a picture, you wanna see?”
“Not really m’am, but I feel like you’re going to show me anyways.”
“Here, look.”
“That is pretty damn cute. I’m getting word that I’m fired and that Rainbow Dash, Queen Awesome of the Super Cool and Totally Radical Islands, wants to speak. We go Live, and fuck you Bill, you fire me and I’ll share your little secret.”
-_-_-_-_-
“Yeah, that pretty adorable. Not as adorable as I was, but pretty adorable. Also, all those humans dying is kinda lame. You need to stop being lame. Like, seriously. Stop it.”
“Do you know if it was a deliberate attack?”
“Deliberate attack? What? How the hay is getting a cutie mark a deliberate attack?”
“You heard it here first, Equestria isn’t properly protecting its weaponized cuteness sources.”
“Wait, what? Thats not what I-”
“Back to you bill.”
“Hey, wait a minu-”
-_-_-_-_-
“Thanks Sharen, before we go live to Obama’s speech on the LA Cuteness Outbreak, I would like to say the following: I don’t care anymore Cassandra, I’ve made my peace with god. We are now getting reports that Celestia will be speaking shortly after Obama, which we go live to.”
“I-uh-I would L-like to thank you for coming out an-and I’d like to express my condolences for those lost. This is in direct violation of the treaty reached by my, uh, my predecessor. Now, many of you are wanting to know if I plan to do anything about this attack, if I-I am a man of action or just some pansy liberal puppet.
“Well, and I-uh-I hope it says a lot about me when I say I plan to do absolutely, uhhh, nothing. I believe this is an, uh, isolated incident and it probably won’t happen again. Now I’m going to go pretend to be black some more. Also, second term bitches, Swag at me!”
“There you have it folks, now if you excuse me and every republican, I am going to weep for our country. Excuse me.”
“Well, it seems that Bill has left, so let’s go to Celestia.”
“This is honestly the most ridiculous accusation I’ve ever heard, and I’m thousands of years old! Cutie marks occur when a foal finds out what their special talent is, and is as far from a scripted or planned event. Besides the fact that as a foal, they fall under the leniency laws of Equestria and cannot be expected to be held accountable for war crimes.”
”So are you saying it was an Equestrian terrorist cell, Hell bent on destroying ‘Muricah because we are the greatest?”
“I... what?”
“You heard it here first, terrorists.”
-_-_-_-_-
“Earlier today, two foals went on a date, claiming one thousand three hundred and thirty seven lives as they trotted down the street. This is the seventh violation of the Equestria-United States treaty since the LA Marathon Massacre, which I’m comfortable calling a massacre despite only like four people dying. President Obama had this to say on the matter.”
“N-now, uhhh, fuck, I forgot to memorize my speech again and my earpiece is malfunctioning so I don’t really... Oh, it’s working now. Where was I... ah yes. I know I’ve been very lenient on Equestria’s blatant violation of the treaty. Some say that I’m being too lenient by letting foals off the hook.
“Now, I think that, uh, really unfair. I’ve sent several nice letters to Celestia pleading her to do, uhhh, something about it and even a few strongly worded ones. Last weekend, we even haaaad... tea, and I asked her directly if she could please do something about it. We have agreed to amend the, uh, original treatise on Acceptable D’awww levels and countermeasures. Now if you would allow me, I must away, somewhere a big business is being too awesome and the democratic party requests me to stop it because its not one of theirs.”
“Celestia has this to say in response.”
“Your leader is a total tool.”
“Quite.”
-_-_-_-_-
“The negotiations have ended and a conclusion has been reached. They have raised the acceptable D’awww level from a kitten playing with a laser pointer to that of a cat dressed as a piglet. Furthermore, they made it a necessity to have all foals in HazMat suits with tinted visors outside of Equestria and appointed closed communities. Obama has also donated all of Montana to be a large closed community saying ‘Nobody uses that place anyways’ and it has since been renamed New Equestria. A full list can be found online, just fucking Google it.
“...
“I’m sorry, for everything.”
Author's Note
AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA
I however, apologize for nothing.
Any politicing at me will be ignored.
