Being Trapped in Stone is DULL!

by Jioplip

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 13777

Discord is bored, so he decides to share with the kind voices that may or may not be in his head.

Discord is bored out of his skull, so he decides to forget about the fourth wall so he can have someone to talk to.

That means you.

I don't know what to expect from this, hopefully laughter on your part.

Published 2013-04-21 08:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-30 17:19:52 UTC

Irony is Uncomfortably Dull

I am BORED!

I'd even settle for Twilight Sparkle and her friends at this point, as long as I have SOMEONE to talk to. It grates on what little sanity I have left, and I could really use some company. I tell you, being trapped in stone does NOT do wonders for the mind. It's true, I have absolutely no choice but to be aware of everything around me all the time. Did you know that I can't sleep?

Oh, and if you're wondering about the italics, I got bored of them, so I'll be keeping a regular font type for the time being.

Ah well, I suppose if it's to stave off boredom, I might as well tell you a little about my origins.

*ahem* As you are well aware, my mother, the creator of this realm and all who reside therein, is a somewhat infamous trickster herself, and I believe that it was that, and a binge of science-fiction entertainment, that provided the seed from which I was born.

Now, as you know from last time, I was raised on a giant cow ranch, but what I didn't mention is that I wasn't alone. My "siblings" were there too. Celestia, Luna, T^%#$, and I all worked together to milk the giant cows, but while I reveled in the work. the others soon grew tired of it, T$#@* was the first to leave, to lead his undersea kingdom.

My "sisters" soon followed him, and though I tried to persuade them to stay, they would hear nothing of it, and without their help I was unable to milk all the giant cows. So they exploded.

I should probably have mentioned earlier that giant cows were designed to produce an over-abundance of milk, and if they aren't tended to properly, they will explode. Which they did.

Now personally I think that the giant cows were a test from mother, a test we all failed when they left. It's their fault though, and I mean so what if I was the oldest? Does that mean I was supposed to stop them from leaving? It's not like the girls ever listened to me, nooo, they were too busy fauning over their "big brother" T&$#%!

But listen to me ramble, I'm sure you're far interested in what happened afterwords.

Well, I hope you don't look up to Celestia too much, because the truth is quite unkind to her character. You see, I was angry at my "siblings" for abandoning me, so I set a plan in motion, I started with sealing T$#@&'s kingdom off, preventing him from speaking with our "sisters." Phase two of the plan was to plant seeds of uneasyness in dear Luna's head, with maybe just a pinch of chaos to make it stick, and since T%&*$ was incommunicado for the time being, the poor pretty princesses were helpless against my magic.

And then Celestia, the Faust-damned (Sorry mom) bitch went and tattled to our mother, while conveniently forgetting that she abandoned the giant cows, heck, I wouldn't be surprised is she lied and said it was my fault just to make her seem even more the victim.

So she comes back with Luna in tow, and they blast me with the Elements of Harmony mom gave her, petrifying me in the middle of my one-draconequus theater's ending number!

And that my friends, is how the Elements, Nightmare Moon, and Equestria as we know it came to be.

That's right, in a stroke of utter irony it was my moment of greatest chaos that brought the Elements of Harmony into creation.

Now Pinkie Pie on the other hand, is an absolute delight! To be honest I really didn't want to brainwash her, but the end result was almost as amusing anyway! But moving on to only slightly less depressing subjects, my most recent defeat, upon closer examination, was purely due to Twilight Sparkle and her annoying perserverence.

Hello again everyone, I'm Discord, and I have a confession to make.

%$%$&^*$%&*$%##@&(^%&$^$^%((*%$%#&**

I really wish they'd left me time for a last meal or something, I was about to go for lunch when they stoned me.

Oh well.

Author's Note

Toast is a fine item of breakfast, and in non-food-related news, a name you may be familiar with has reared it's letters this chapter, yes it's T%$#*, defender2222's Oceanic Creature, please go check out his stories, as they are amazing and I now present the following disclosure:

I own nothing in this story, everything mentioned by name likely belongs to Hasbro, but the giant cows belong to us all.

T#$%^ is defender2222's, and is also amazing.

Unity is Depressingly Dull

Hello everypony! Discord here, and I am pleased to reveal that I have FINALLY managed to pick up a thoughtform strong enough to bridge the gap between our worlds. Or I've finally snapped and gone insane.

Again.

So before I begin, I'd like to address someone who has such a bile-inducing name, I will refer to only half of it.

Hello Diamond, I fully appreciate your concern over my well-being, and would like to put your fears to rest. You see, being incased in stone is not without some benefit, and as such, despite being utterly famished right before being incased in stone, I am unable to feel any hunger.

My frustration instead comes from the fact that I barely took time off from causing anarchy last time to eat, all I had was a small brunch in the garden, a refreshing glass of lemonade, a somewhat less refreshing glass, and some cotton candy. Now that might not seem like too small an amount, but after spending OVER A THOUSAND YEARS TRAPPED IN STONE I was rather peeved at not being able to enjoy myself more.

Oh well, I've been mulling it over, and I had a thought.

You see, dear readers, while I realise you possess awareness of me and the general happenings around the Six Harmonious Elements, and those ponies who represent them, it seems that your knowledge on some of the finer points of Equestria, or Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis as it was called one Tuesday when I was in power.

That was also the tuesday I was turned to stone, so I remember it all quite vividly.

But anyway, the subject I wished to broach today was one of magic. Pony Magic to be specific, since the term "magic" can describe a large variety of phenomena both natural and unnatural.

*ahem*

As you are no doubt aware, Pony Magic is comprised of three parts; Unicorn Magic, Pegasus Magic, and Earth Magic.

An Earth Pony's magic is subtle, affecting mainly their physical attributes, but also linking them with the land, which gives them their name. It is for this reason that Earth Ponies tend towards agriculture, as the combination of their enhanced physical traits and the connection with nature they experience allows them to grow a stronger crop and better keep up with the demands of physical labour than other races.

A Pegasus on the other hand, has magic related mostly to flight, creating an internal buoyancy when they need flight to fly, and dissipating it when the Pegasus needs to land. The Pegasi's second trait is their ability to manipulate the weather, by interacting with clouds directly, or by asserting atmospheric pressure around them to generate wind, the second type generally being measured in "wingpower" even though it's mostly dependant of a Pegasi's use of internal magic, with actual wingpower only accounting for about an eighth of a given Pegasi's wingpower on average.

Though with one Snowflake Pigeon it's more like a percent, I swear his internal magic must rival Twilight Sparkle's just to lift him off the ground! But I digress.

And last but certainly not least, is Unicorn Magic, the kind you were probably thinking of as soon as you read the word magic. It is also the most complex type of Pony Magic, and it too is separated into two varieties of use.

The first kind we'll call "natural" magic, and it is the most basic kind that any Unicorn has access to, it's features allow a Pony to reach out and grasp objects with telekinesis and also to link their magic to a given source directly. While telekinesis is used extensively, ponies rarely connect their magic to anything, and many are unaware that it's even a possibility. Of course, it's incredibly dangerous, so it's just as well.

The second way Unicorn magic can be used is known as spellcasting, and it is the only kind of unnatural magic known to ponykind. A spell must be learned or constructed to be used, and despite popular opinion, a Unicorn is not limited by their Cutie-Mark or their magical talent in regards to what spells they can learn. In actuality, the only limiting factor is a given ponies intelligence, memory, and interest, as spells are largely about constructing magical sigils and pumping enough raw magic into them to make them work.

Of course, this means that a Unicorn is limited in what spells they can cast by their own magical reservoirs, but those can be increased with regular training, much like a muscle. Of course, a Unicorn that doesn't use their magic regularly will lose some amount of strength in their reserves. Also like a muscle.

*whew* Well with all that information FINALLY cleared up, now I can tell you all the truth of Hearth's Warming Eve!

Now, while depictions of the story are mostly accurate, some details surrounding the tale's resolution were lost as time went on. Chiefly is that it was not merely two delegates from each tribe who set forth to found equestria, but the majority of the surviving populace. The second issue is more nitpicking than anything else, but the cave that the tribes hid in were actually the now-defunct crystal caverns below Canterlot.

But the most glaring omission from the legend is the lack of an explanation for what the Fire of Friendship *shudder* actually is. You see, when the arguing tribes were frozen, three ponies managed to avoid sharing their fate, solely due to not joining in the surrounding hostilities, and therefore being mostly ignored by the Windigos.

Upon the realisation that they were the only ponies left, Clover the Clever, Private Pansy, and Smart Cookie huddled together for warmth, and began talking, and as you know from the legend, they discovered that they bore no hatred for one another. As they lay and laughed in the face of death, they imbraced, and Clover, being the utter nerd that she is, couldn't help but recall a magic sigil of all things to relate to the situation.

The sigil in question being Unity.

For those not versed in Equestrian Magical Symbology, the sigil of Unity looks like a fanciful "heart," the kind you see everywhere on Hearts and Hooves Day, which were actually based of the flame conjured by Clover, but back to how she did it.

You see, while embracing the others and fixing the sigil of Unity in her mind, their magic flowed freely through their emotion, mingling together, and when that touched upon Clover's magic, it was all released in a burst of energy, and so the spell for creating the Flame of Unity, as it was once called, was born.

By mixing Pegasus Magic, Unicorn Magic, and Earth Magic, and focusing it into Unity, the flame can be brought forth. Of course, Celestia and Luna can perform the spell alone, since they carry all three kinds of magic in their bodies.

And that, My Little Bronies, is how Equestria was made.

Author's Note

Suddenly, FANON REINTERPRETATION!

Oh, and Discord can read your comments apparently, Who knew?

I did.

Shortness is Regrettably Dull

Ugh, good evening everypony, ouch, I am Discord, though you should know that by now.

Now you might be wondering why I'm in apparent pain, and you see the simple reason is irresponsibly heavy rainfall and a VERY irresponsible Pegasus Guard, who didn't bother to check where he was going and ended up crashing into me, toppling me completely over.

But enough of my problems, I have enough professionalism to work through minor setbacks like this, so on to my personal correspondence for tonight's session.

First, to Diamond from before, I appreciate your enjoyment of our dialogue, and I must say it has been a refreshing change of pace for me as well.

Second, to one Silver Alchemist, I... would prefer not to talk about the platypus incident, but, since you asked I will provide.

You see, in creating the Platypus, I had intended to make a fearsome creature capable of biting off heads, poisoning the unwary, and having the ability to adapt to any environment. What I actually made was an amalgamation of duck and beaver that is... mostly harmless, if left alone at any rate.

Needless to say, I've endeavored to not repeat my mistake, aiming for FAR more outlandish goals ever since. I see it now plain as day that I was being far too realistic in my projections for the Platypus.

Well, now that correspondence is done for now, I suppose now it's time to wonder HOW CELESTIA IS DISCIPLINING HER GUARDS if that Pegasus still hasn't reported his little 'accident' even though it's been three hours and somepony should be out here to fix the orientation of Celestia's greatest masterpiece.

I'll have to make a mental note to personally seek revenge on the Guard Captain, what was his name? Glimmer Shins? Something like that.

Anyway, I've been trying to scry out of my prison, since nothing's happening in the garden, but unfortunately the Elements have a tight lock on my prison, and all I've been able to get is a couple of inter-dimensional radio stations, but still, you can't argue with Chris de Burgh.

Ah well, tomorrow is a week and two days since I was imprisoned, and a Tuesday at that, such a horrid day.

I don't think I've ever had a happy Tuesday since then, and I doubt I ever will again, truly is Tuesday a plague and menace on my mind, I should just remove Tuesdays altogether, and I don't mean just shortening weeks down to six days, since then Tuesday would still be there, just disguised as a different day every week.

No, I'd like to place a permanent memory blanking effect on Tuesdays so that I at least don't have to remember what I had to go through each week it came around.

At least I'm better of than Luna, the poor dear had to endure a great deal worse on the moon, I should know, since two-hundred years ago my scrying was actually functional enough to pierce her Moony prison.

It wasn't pretty, she was trapped in a small cubed enclosure made of solid rock, barely big enough for her perpetually shrunken filly form, and worst of all, she was in there sobbing her eyes out, no doubt feeling betrayed and confused by the situation she found herself forced into.

Now I just want to make something clear, just because I felt for her doesn't mean I'm going soft or anything, Luna was my favourite sibling and I could clearly emphasize with her position, besides, I helped get her trapped in there in the first place.

Grah! Now unfortunately I will have to leave you now, as I cannot tolerate this annoying PAIN and talk civilly any longer!

Arrivederci!

Author's Note

Admit it, some of you were waiting for that line.

Also, sorry for the short chapter, but I think I'm starting to develop a plot-line for this story, and I needed this chapter for setup mostly.

Lessons are Predictably Dull

HAHAHAHA!

Oh... Oh this is just too good!

Heeheehee... Okay, okay, I know I said I'd never enjoy Tuesdays ever again, but I take it back in full, Tuesday should become a national holiday after this!

I suppose I should start at the beginning.

The morning greeted me with a squad of Unicorns righting my elegant self, which finally removed the pressure I'd been feeling in my stone since last night. A little while after that, I finished enjoying my newfound peace of mind, I decided to attempt to scry once more.

And just then I was pleasantly surprised with the image of a certain pretty princess' purple pony pupil positively providing proof of the dangers of overworking.

And there may have been a pinch of residual Chaos left in her pretty pony head. But what really got me laughing was when Twilight went to her 'friends' for help... And they laughed her off like some bad joke!

But wait, it gets better, because then she goes and tries to get a group of fillies to fight each other over some raggedy doll thing, so she can fix the problem that she herself made! It's hysterical!

Of course, they're foals, not fools, and they do the most logical and rational thing when presented with an acquaintance gone mad; they try to get one of their own to stay so the others can run away! I'm telling you, between freeing me from my prison and this little backstabbing escapade, I'm almost proud of the little 'crusaders.'

Of course, when Twilight realizes that the little foals aren't taking the bait, she uses a Class-B restricted spell, 'Want-It-Need-It,' a spell that makes anyone other than the caster become obsessed with whatever it's cast on.

Now, there's actually a pretty funny story about how that spell came to be, but I'll leave it for another time.

Having charmed her doll to be irresistible, it wasn't long before half the town was fighting over it in a brutal pileup. It was so bad that Celestia herself teleported to Ponyville just to sort out her student's mistake.

Then some boring mushy stuff happened, but I noticed something, it was just before Celestia arrived, Twilight became utterly hopeless, and it only got worse when Celestia reprimanded her there in that field. And along with Twilight's despair came my joy, for two very important reasons.

The first is that she deserved what she got and nothing brings black joy quite like revenge.

The second reason is that I felt my prison loosen, not much, but enough that I'm able to freely scry once more.

Now this might not seems like such a huge leap, but with the new information I can gain I just might be able to find a way to defeat the Elements for good the next time I escape.

But enough about the future, and let us return instead to the present, it is an unwanted gift after all, so without further ado, it's time for some correspondence!

Dear Changeling, the story of Luna's transformation is not particularly long or complex, but it is very important for understanding the most important thing of all; how it involves me.

It's a full-moon night when I approach Luna in the castle to plant the seed of doubt in her head. Spying her upon what looked to be the astronomy tower, I slither up the stonework and contort myself into a reclining position behind her.

"Hey Lulu," I savour her look of surprise tinged with anger, quickly replaced with pure shock as she turns around, "long time no see."

"Discord," her tone is completely neutral, and she composes her face to match, "We have not seen thee since the time thou screached Us and Our sister from Our Ancestral Home."

"Honestly, aren't you exaggerating just a bit?"

"Nay, We remember the event quite clearly." Her face contorted into a rather formidable glare.

"Yes, well," I try, and fail, to keep the worry I felt from affecting my voice, I force a cough before continuing, "I believe we should let bygones be bygones, that's why I'm here after all, to Marry the Fatchet and Bend the Hench and all that."

Luna, despite herself, can't hold back a chuckle at my massacred idioms, she always did have a great sense of humour.

"It is good to see that thou have not changed," Luna was grinning as she spoke now. "But why have thou come to make amends to Us and not Our sister?"

This is my chance, "Well, I just figured you'd be lonely out in the night all alone."

"Wha- We are not lonely!" Luna screamed with all the might of her Divine Shout, a force powerful enough to send even a dragon running.

I however, was unaffected, "Whatever you say Lu," I take the opportunity that her outburst provides to layer my words with festering doubt and shame, "but the way I see it, Celestia gets to have fun and frolic in the day with her 'little ponies,' while you have to stay away in the dark when everypony's already asleep."

A single glance at the greenish-yellow colour seeping into her pupils is all I need to know of my success. Noticing her dumbfounded look at the same time, I quickly apologize and say my farewell, already planning the final stage of my plan...

And so, with the seeds of doubt and shame finding eager purchase in the mind of my naive younger sister, I began my Chaotic rule.

Of course, I had planned for Luna to join me, ensuring I couldn't be defeated even if T#%$@ returned from his sealing, unfortunately, Celestia went and convinced mom to give her the Elements, so after my defeat Luna's doubt and shame twisted into jealousy, greed, and anger.

Overall it was a very productive venture even if it didn't go according to plan.

After all, rules are meant to be thwarted and plans broken.

Author's Note

Yes, behold, CONTINUITY!

Also some more details on what the hell happened a thousand years ago.

I apologize for any errors you may find, but I wrote this entire chapter on my Wii U, so it'd be a massive pain to double-check the entire chapter.

Dullness Eclipsed

My plan is moving into place.

Picking up where we left off in the last musical number, oh that was a treat, I've been in communication with the Changeling scouts I located in Manehattan, and it seems that it'll take a few months for their Queen to arrive in Equestria.

But I can wait.

I waited for over a thousand years, this time will only serve to strengthen my hatred. And this time I won't be so lenient on Celestia and her little ponies.

Oh yes, and while Twilight Sparkle and the rest of ponyville may celebrate this night, my rule will bring about a whole new meaning for the word nightmare.

And my dearest Luna, while I consider our grudge settled in full, I'm afraid that I can't take the chance you'll be a danger to my new Chaos Empire, so I suppose I'll just have to lock you into the Nightmare Realm with your own dream powers, now that'll be a fun challenge!

And I have plans for Equestria, beyond changing the name to geronimo of course.

And these aren't the 'bright and happy chocolate milk clouds' kind of plans from last time either, my warmups cost me too much last time, and it seems I'll have to begin with the finale this time. Say your sweet goodbyes to causality my little ponies, because you're all in for a huge storm of Chaos!

Oh but that will have to wait for after I can crack my way through this stone prison, for now though, I'll have to content myself with scrying ponyville and the Element-bearers for any weaknesses. And while their irrational fear of Luna is certainly entertaining, I don't see anything I can use to my advantage here.

Though one has to wonder where Rarity has gotten off to, I can't find her anywhere... Oh wait, there she is, I couldn't see her past her invisibility.

You know, this whole escape plan of mine kind of hinges entirely on all of the Elements' bonds with their bearers weakening, otherwise I won't be able to squeeze enough of myself through the metaphorical chinks in the armour.

Oh what I wouldn't give for some company right about now, sitting in Celestia's statue garden in the middle of the night, my one line of communication to sentient beings hasn't pinged since I told you all about Luna, and to top it all off MY NOSE ITCHES AND I CAN'T SCRATCH IT!

I swear, the moment I get out of here, Twilight Sparkle and her friends will pay dearly.

Really the only question at this point is how to take them out, perhaps you all have some suggestions? I'm all ears and I hear your people have come up with some truly disturbed forms of torture in their history.

Unfortunately that's about it for me, I can only hold up a conversation single-handedly for so long after all, so ciao!

Author's Note

Not much of import this chapter.

Also, don't forget that Discord can and will respond to your comments, and he'll be more than happy to clear up any confusion you may have about this fic or load-bearing three-tailed orangutans.

Socialized Dullness

Ah... a fresh new day with fresh new CORRESPONDENCE!

Firstly, in response to... toa697? Is that supposed to be lowercase? And what's the deal with the numbers? You people have such strange names, but I digress.

In response to your suggestion of beating up my foes with cats... do you mean cats in a sack or out of one? Because the last thing I need is to get scratched by my own weapon. But if they're in a sack it should be fine.

Moving onto my next piece of correspondence from... the_Changeling_Prince_2? Odd, Changelings don't have princes in this world, your universe's Changelings must have a distinct social order from the ones in my universe.

Moving on to your question however, I can understand your confusion at the concept of your mother taking orders from me, as she likely wouldn't. And while I don't know how your Changeling species came about, mine are my single greatest creation. Monsters that devour love, turning it into raw destructive power.

Now, considering your royal status, it's clear that you're species is quite different from my Changelings, so from here on, I'll refer to my Changelings as Swarm, and yours as Royals.

My Swarm act under a hive mind, with the colony's drones possessing a direct link with their Queen, which is the only member of the Swarm to have any free will or independent thought.

The Swarm's most interesting feature however, is their inability to feel love, or in fact, any form of affection, unfortunately this means that they're terrible at actually mimicing ponies, whose entire existence seems to be based on loving one another, disgusting really.

Now while this seemed to invalidate their original purpose as infiltrators at first, I had the stroke of genius to give them the power to manipulate the minds of ponies, a power much like my own Gainsboro spell, which you may recall me using to split apart the elements of harmony.

The downside however, is that only the Queen can use the mind control spell, and I've tried making more than one Queen, all that accomplished was the Swarm turning on itself in a bloody civil war.

So, getting back to your original question, the Swarm that I created are not the same as your Royal race. But despite the Swarm's relative uselessness, they're all I have left at this point.

Now then, aside from today's correspondence it was mostly uneventful, Rarity competed in a race with her sister to make up for a fight, and... Well like I said, uneventful.

Oh well, I got to speak with interdimensional royalty, exposit about my universe's Changeling race, give the Swarm a snazzy new nickname, and I even cleared up my stance on using cats as clubs. I may not have sung a song, but I'd say it was a good day.

And on that note, dear sirs, madams, and beings of miscellaneous or combined genders, I bid you adieu.

Author's Note

WEEEE!

So... is it just me or are my chapters kinda short? Ah well!

Big shout-out to the_Changeling_Prince_2 whose comment prompted the majority of this chapter's content, go check him out.

Also, I apologize for the lack of anything particularly meaningful in regards to story, but Sisterhooves Social has about zero impact on this fic's plot.

Anyway, as always, Discord is eager to hear from you, and he's very lonely, so drop him a question or comment, even if you don't think it's relevant, your comments are my single source of inspiration for this fic, so please fire away!

The Dull Pox

Hello everypony! I must say, regular communication has done wonders for my mood! I of course refer to my CORRESPONDENCE!

Starting off today is our royal correspondent, the_Changeling_Prince_2.

Firstly I must ask you a question, are the other universe's versions of me as suave and debonair as my own self?

And moving on to your question about this Screwball pony...

Well, I am embarrassed to say that I didn't know who you were talking about at first. Well, I was embarrassed since she's kind of the result of a minor mistake of mine.

And by minor, I mean that I am royally Screwballed if I can't find a way to neutralize this mare.

You see, I've been checking over the Temporal Records, and I've been able to confirm what exactly went wrong, you see, Screwball was just a regular filly until I rose back to power, and then it seems I accidentally kickstarted her cutie mark.

In Chaos.

This is of course, a very bad situation for me, since if she realizes her power she could draw directly on my Chaos Magic, which in turn would prevent me from using it to it's full potential.

But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself, to fully illustrate why another being drawing on my Chaos Magic would be so bad, I should first explain what it is in the first place.

Now, as you may remember from my earlier rambling, each species of pony has access to magic in a different way, and I, as the Spirit of Chaos, also have a unique magical ability.

My Chaos Magic functions under separate principles from other types of magic, for while pony magic is based on order and balance, my magic is steeped in the aversion of the natural laws, essentially ignoring them outright.

But Chaos Magic has it's own limitations, just not logical ones. You see, my Chaos Magic has an upward power limit that it can't exceed, and attempting to do so results in... let's call it backlash.

And so we get to the main point of explaining Chaos Magic in the first place: If another being starts draining my Chaos Magic, my power could be as much as halfed at any time.

But getting back to Screwball, from the looks of things she was just walking down the road, minding her own business, when my infamous big storm of Chaos hit Equestria.

What happened next is strange even to me, first she looks at the mayhem with what seemed to be horror, a typical reaction, but what I now believe to have been shock and awe, since right afterwards she gets a huge grin on her face, and her cutie mark... sort of bleeds into existence, like paint dripping, then her eyes go nuts and she starts acting crazier than Pinkie Pie on her birthday, bouncing around, teleporting without magic, and even flying via a hat-based propulsion system.

My only break in all of this is that Chaos being her special talent worked in my favour after I was blasted by the Friendship Express back to Stonesville, as her own memories of the even were wiped clean.

So were her memories of before the event, and I think some degree of her intelligence as well, she's about as observant as Sweetie Belle with head trauma, in fact I'm watching her in real-time right now and she hasn't even noticed the stallion behind her holding... that... glowing rod?

But... it can't be, that was over a thousand years ago.

But there's no mistaking it, he's the same, that same pony, that same device and...

The same blue box.

But how could it be? There's no way an ordinary Earth Pony could have survived since my reign.

I still remember that day...

So far the day was going gloriously, I had everything prepared perfectly for the sealing of the Capricorns, hedging my bets on dear Tydal's reluctance to bring our younger sisters into a fight that didn't concern them had paid off in full. And what's more, he even had all of the Capricorns that weren't already in the capital return to it, so if I hurried I knew I could take him and his people out of the equation for good.

And that's when I saw it.

That mysterious blue box, and the even stranger brown stallion running around it nervously.

But it wasn't the surface appearance that caught my attention, it was the spellwork on the box.

I alighted next to the box, barely noticing as the stallion stoppedand stared at me.

It was the strangest thing, this box, bigger on the inside, a horribly difficult spell, charmed to look inconspicuous, even if it was broken, and it positively reeked of something unnatural, this would have been enough to catch my attention, but to top it all off, the entirety of the box's spells were formed from a kind of magic I'd never seen before. Ordered, yet chaotic, natural, yet artificial, right, but oh so wrong.

"Discord?" I looked toward the stallion as he spoke, finally taking in his bewildered expression and the strange device tucked behind one ear, a grey stick with a blue tip, some kind of multipurpose tool by the magic.

It was then that my own face took on an expression similar to his, I had yet to make an appearance in front of Celestia's little ponies, and yet here was one who apparently knew who I was?

Unfortunately, I had prior commitments, and an entire kingdom to topple, and Tydal was nothing if not efficient.

Well, I suppose he'd still be brutal, cruel, and more than a little unstable, but that all runs in the family.

"Your perception filter is broken, whoever you are." I elected to say, instead of the many boiling questions I didn't have time for.

As I prepared to hoof it to the Capricorn Kingdom, I noticed his cutie mark, an hourglass.

What sort of talent is that? I wondered idly, Timing things? Keeping Time? Maybe he makes the damn things for all I know.

"I'm the Doctor."

Apparently he took my earlier statement as a question, and also apparently he decided to answer circumspectly, but I didn't have the time to question him about it as I sped away towards my inevitable victory, but I did wonder.

Doctor who?

That's right, the Doctor he called himself.

But how is he here? Why is he still alive? What's he doing around Screwball? And just who is he?

Hmph, it seems he's not too happy about what his scan of Screwball turned up, he's heading back to his box now and...

It vanished.

It just... faded away.

This Doctor is just full of surprises, and so is his magic box, that wasn't any teleportation magic I know of, it was too subtle, too slow, and too noisy.

So what was it?

But, this tangent has gone on too long already, getting back to your royal bugness, I hope I was able to answer your question about Screwball, as I'm pretty sure I said it somewhere within that tangential spiel.

Moving on to our old friend SilverAlchemist, who asks a startlingly insightful question:

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a parasprite?

The answer may surprise you, as well as the surprising nature of parasprites as a whole.

You see, parasprites are actually self-replicating supersour candy, mouth-wateringly bitter and liable to eat your entire town's supply of food, a brilliant combination.

As for how many licks it takes to the center, it's about fifty or so. Then they explode.

A parasprite a day keeps the sanity away! Or somesuch.

Which leads us to our next question.

Questions.

rannu182 asked several questions, which I shall now answer:

Parasprites were made from some fuzzy things my mother left lying around our old house and my own supersour candy recipe.

My mother is currently working on a new dimension featuring personified planetary bodies.

I have no idea what 'marryd' means, but I have no interest in being married to fruit.

And finally, I have never been 'in love.'

Gag!

Well, that was quite the correspondence session, and I hope I was able to answer all of your questions satisfactorily.

As for my day?

Apple Bloom, who you should know is Applejack's little sister, decided to cheat to get her cutie mark early.

The catch? It worked.

Somehow, this little filly was able to create a potion that replicated the effects of my Cutie Pox experiment from the Paleopony Period.

And in a way, she improved upon my original Pox.

My Cutie Pox experiment was more for fun than anything, but it still only lasted eight to sixteen hours before the Pox wore off and the pony who had contracted it became immune.

And while Apple Bloom's Cutie Pox couldn't be contracted without drinking her potion, it didn't wear off over time, and in fact, it accelerated the pace at which her cutie marks appeared as time went on, and had to be cured directly with a counter-agent.

Honestly, I'm torn between pride and indignation that a mere child managed to one-up me so badly, truly the Cutie Mark Crusaders have some vast untapped potential for causing chaos.

But alas, I must go think about the dinner I'm not having, so to you all I say: Chicken and taters.

Author's Note

Whoo. Now that was intense! Now before I go eat, here are some special thanks!

Firstly, and most importantly, we have defender2222, who created Tydal and the affiliated Capricorn race, if you haven't checked him out, please do, because he's a hell of a lot better at this stuff than I am.

Second is to his royal majesty, the_Changeling_Prince_2, who has once more inspired me to write the greater part of a chapter, I recommend checking him out, in addition to being royalty, he's also quite the talented writer.

Thirdly is the asker of the most philosophically intense question ever seen in this fic: SilverAlchemist, so please go tell him that he's awesome.

Finally we have rannu182 whose questions I included at the very last minute, as I was about to write the author's note when I looked at the comment, so feel special!

Theme Naming is Dull.

Hello again, everypony, today has been yet another wonderfully dull and irritating experience, as it hits me once more just how long-term my plan may turn out to be, and I much prefer spontaneity to large plans and deceptions.

But as usual, your lovely correspondence has come to save the day, now with a new format!

First, from the_Changeling_Prince_2:

To answer YOUR two questions.
1) You are yet another constant, and your suaveness seems to bleed to all other versions of you throughout the multiverse.
2) the Doctor... admittedly an odd pony, if we're referring to the same Doctor. it's confusing here, as there is a whole family of ponies named Whooves, and the Doctor, while looking similar, has no relation to them. he sort of just appeared. he has a weird heartbeat too. it's like he has ^&^%%&$#^&* something...
anyway... there is one major thing that bothers us Changelings more than anything else... FLUTTERPONIES. unfortunately, they exist in my reality, and are a constant source of annoyment for my species, and not just because we have the same diet. have you ever had to deal with those insufferable flitter-brains? or bushwoolies?

Firstly, I am pleased to hear that my reputation across the multiverse is not being sullied.

Secondly, I thank you for your information on your Doctor, even if the transmission was scrambled towards the end.

And to answer your question, Flutterponies don't exist in my world, nor Bushwoolies, a fact I am greatly pleased for, as the mere mention of their names fills me with nausea.

The second piece of correspondence comes from toa697:

%^&*%#@@$%&*&%ent of the doctor the doctor is a %#$%&*&^D, an a*&%#$^ce that ha^%#@%*e ability to tr&*^% thro$%^&%$@$*&%#@. the "Blue Box" is a T#$%&*^, it stands for %^^&*&%$$^&*%$##%^&*ace. he knew who you were because he h&^$#!$^&^%#%&ou will in t%^&**^%#@#^&%#$^&#^&%##^&%ng about you. As for the reason that the #$^*^$^&$%&as a blue box is that his cloaking $%^&&$#@#%&^ broken so it is stuck looking like a police call box. If you want to know what that is then ask next time. Allons-y!

What happened here? The entire message was scrambled somehow! All I got out of this was that the box looks like a 'police call box,' and I don't even know what that is!

So... what is a 'police call box' anyway?

Well, since my correspondence for today has apparently malfunctioned, I suppose I'll tell you all what happened today:

Rainbow Dash adopted a pet tortoise.

WHY IS LIFE SO NORMAL? WHERE IS THE UNLIKELY SPONTANEITY? HOW DID TANK MOVE SO QUICKLY WHEN HE WENT OFFSCREEN?

But seriously on that last one, how did Tank move so quickly when we weren't seeing him, because his onscreen speed does not match up with how far he travelled in the time that passed.

Anyway, it's evident that I need to spice things up, so does anyone have any musical requests?

Suggest them to me in your correspondence and I might just sing them for you.

Until next tim$#%^#%#

Author's Note

Ah.

Haha.

So sorry dear commentors for the... unfortunate accident during the transmission to Discord.

But we can't go giving him all the answers, now can we?

Special thanks to the_Changeling_Prince_2 and toa697 for providing Discord with some correspondence.

Again, apologies for the... accident.

Musical Interlude 2: I Will Kill Your Friends

I was spreadin' my Chaos through the soapy Equestria road,
When along came a pony with a high and mighty attitude,
She was bitchin' something hard about Harmony and style,
And so I flew along her head and then I settled down and sighed,
She asked me "What's the point of this?" and so I did reply,
Yeah I said, "Listen, I'm gonna lay it out right now." I sang:

I will kill your friends, Twi'
I will kill your friends, Twi'
I'll lay their organs bare, Twi'
Their screams will fill the air, Twi'
Of murder I'll have my share, Twi'
I will kill your friends

Yes I will;
Stab them, beat them, spear them, then filet 'em, butcher them, slaughter them, hang them, maybe gore 'em, poison them, pierce them, bludgeon them, slice'n'dice 'em, drown them, erase them, smother them, massacre 'em, lynch them, finish them, dispatch 'em, execute 'em, terminate 'em, Obliterate 'em, and behead 'em, I will kill 'em.

I will kill your friends, Twi'
I will kill your friends, Twi'
I'll lay their organs bare, Twi'
Their screams will fill the air, Twi'
Of murder I'll have my share, Twi'
I will kill your friends

Yeah I'll kill:
Big Mac, Cheerlilee, Lyra, Carrot Cake, Rainbow Dash, Bonbon, Cup Cake, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Caramel, Applejack, Appleloosa, Snow Flake, Pipsqueak, Pony Joe, Twilight Velvet, Rarity, Rarity, Fluttershy, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Granny Smith, what a hit!

I will kill your friends, Twi'
I will kill your friends, Twi'
I'll lay their organs bare, Twi'
Their screams will fill the air, Twi'
Of murder I'll have my share, Twi'
I will kill your friends

See I will:
Impale them, hang them, draw them, and quarter 'em, immure them, wheel break 'em, stone them, the pendulum, flay them, drop them, Discord 'em, bleed them, keelhaul them, pamper them, the Bronze Bull, cedar them, Idaho, cliff hang them, crucify them, inside-out 'em, weaponize them, coronate 'em, I'm a little mean, huh?

I will kill your friends, Twi'
I will kill your friends, Twi'
I'll lay their organs bare, Twi'
Their screams will fill the air, Twi'
Of murder I'll have my share, Twi'
I will kill your friends

Oh I'll kill:
Derpy Hooves, Fancy Pants, Shining Armour, not Blueblood, Typecast, Staghorn, Princess Cadance, Wall Breaker, TD, Silverspeak, Sunny Meadows, Chaska, Tenderheart, Loaded Dice, Tricky Strings, Luna too, Doctor Hooves, Cinnamon Swirl, Iron Will, Flim & Flam, Snips & Snails, Canterlot, the whole lot...

I will kill your friends, Twi'
I will kill your friends, Twi'
I'll lay their organs bare, Twi'
Their screams will fill the air, Twi'
Of murder I'll have my share, Twi'
I will kill your friends

I will kill your friends.

HAHAHAHA! Oh, that felt good, gruesome singing with no preamble!

After all, who needs preamble when you can have postamble!

Anyway, on to my single piece of correspondence, from toa697!

Sorry. I was in a low signal zone.

A low signal... wait just a minute!

Interdimensional communication is affected by your location? The only way I can figure it is if you're using a centralized signal-booster, but you'd think if you can pierce the walls of reality you'd be able to overcome native distance issues, wouldn't you? I mean, you'd have to be using to pieces of technology with vastly different levels of intricacy and advancement for this to make sense.

Though come to think of it, where are you anyway? Where are any of you for that matter? Are you in some sort of interdimensional communication hub connected to various alternate versions of Equestria? Are you each in separate universes that are connected into some kind of underlying framework between universes? And do your communication devices run on technology, magic, or some mixture of cheddar cheese and pixie dust?

I need answers people, and I need you to deliver them or become relatively nauseous trying!

Author's Note

Well that was a music.

I didn't feel this as much as the last one, so the lyrical quality probably dropped some.

If you're wondering about some of the ponies Discord said he'd kill, both Typecast and Tenderheart are my OCs, as for the others, Sunny Meadows is a reference to The Keepers Of Discord, Wall Breaker comes to us from defender2222, TD hails from a story with a long name that would consume FAR too much space if I were to write it down here, Cinnamon Swirl comes from this oddball out story, Silverspeak is from The Monster Below, Staghorn joins the list from Peace at Last?, and if you haven't read those stories yet, I recommend you do as they are all great.

Also, to the first person who can guess where Loaded Dice and Tricky Strings come from... I'll reward them! Somehow! If anyone gets it right I'll discuss the details with them, but I don't expect anyone to guess it, so there are no limits on how many guesses you get, as long as it's the first correct answer you win!
...Something!

And let's not forget toa697, who gave us this chapter's single piece of correspondence.

The (un)Mysteriously Dull Day.

And he'll twist you round, you know you'll turn your head, can't fight this urge to turn towards him, oh no, no-

Oh! I was transmitting that.

Sorry, I've just been sifting through interdimensional signals, listening to music, you know.

So, now that I'm back on the horn, let's see what correspondence you have for me.

First is from Starcatcher101:

Hi Discord. First YOU ARE THE BEST THING ABOUT MLP FiM! Secondly I was wondering if you know any ways to get rid of annoying people. Oh, And any way I can come visit? SEE YA MOST AWESOME THING ABOUT MLP FIM!

Well, to begin, THANK YOU STARCATCHER101!

And moving on, the way I see it, you have a lot of options for getting rid of... annoyances, the previous musical number has a few permanent solutions, but if the thought of blood and/or screams of the blood-curdling variety make you nauseous, then you may need to outsource your issues.

Or tell them to fuck off.

Preferably in the middle of an otherwise cordial lunch, then stalk off and leave them with the bill, but make sure you promise to pay beforehand, or it won't have the same effect.

As for a visit, trust me, I wouldn't mind the company, but wha%^$[WELLTALK]#%^$e logistics would be hell.

Our next piece of correspondence comes from our good friend the_Changeling_Prince_2:

I'm in some sort of cavern full of crystals 3 miles southeast of Ponyville. the crystals have weird properties and are sending my thoughts and words across the multiverse.

Hmm, fascinating, considering the similarities between our worlds, I'll have to check that area for an analogous cave...

Also, the_Changeling_Prince_2, I've been wondering, are you second born of your generation, or is the '2' just a decoration like the underscores?

Today's final correspondence comes from Deflem1:

Hello discord, here have some triangles ◢◣◢.
Question do you think dash is gay? I d k why I asked I'm just being random.
☠ here have a skull.

What in the what? Since when can you make shapes just appear? And what skull are you talking about? I don't see any skull, and besides which, why would I want one?

And to answer your question: Thanks for the triangles.

Which brings us back to my day.

Well, it seems Rainbow Dash got all bigheaded and egotistical.

Yes. Got.

If you thought she was bad before, you'll likely be tearing your hair out lookin at her today, even her friends got fed up with all her bragging.

But oh my mother, is that pony dim!

I mean, come on Dashie! Some super-strong, extra-magical, ultra-nimble, perfect in every way alicorn comes strolling into town and you can't put the pieces together?

I could tell what was going on practically from the beginning, and I wasn't even trying.

Oh well, I suppose the worst thing to come to pass is simply that I'M NO CLOSER TO GETTING OUT THAN BEFORE AND I'M ABOUT READY TO JUST GRAB THOSE DAMN MARES AND TEAR THEM LIMB FROM LIMB!

Okay, deeeeep breaths, deep breaths.

Deep metaphorical breaths.

How in the dankest level of Tartarus is a stone supposed to calm down anyway?

Anyway, I'm in no mood to talk right now, so I guess I'll leave you all with a question of my own:

Ah, fuck it, I've got nothing.

Author's Note

Well, that was a thing.

Sorry for the long time and all that no see, but I've been... honestly accomplishing nothing. Nada. Zip. Doing nothing productive in the slightest.

Anyway, thanks are in order for Starcatcher101, the_Changeling_Prince_2, and Deflem1 who were nice enough to send Discord some lovely correspondence.

Well, that's all for now, I guess I'll see you all whenever I decide to be slightly less productive again.

This Dullness Was Supposed To Focus On Something Elite...

Oh come on Rarity, grow a backbone, it really is nothing, in fact, it's not even the best available room, it's the suite nopony wants for crying ou-

Hi it's me again, I'm trying to think of ways to free u, the triangles didn't work, nor did the skull. Maybe if I took a jackhammer to ur stone encased body? I thought I ask first because I last thing I want to do is kill u. Also hold these blocks for me if u can see them. ▦▧▨▩▤
Thanks sincerely
Deflem1

Wha- Deflem? What? How did your message even pop up here?

...And now there are blocks on the ground. I'm not sure if you mean for these to free me, but I don't think it's working, as for your question I- SWEET MOTHER OF CREATION!

Rarity continued to kiss Celestia's hooves, thanking her perhaps more than was strictly necessary.

Just as Celestia was about to assure the prissy prostrating pony that her adulations were unnecessary and that it was a matter of little import, she was interrupted by the most angular-sounding explosion to ever rock Equestria.

The force of the explosion would have knocked Rarity to the ground if she'd retained any dignity, and it most definitely knocked the overencumbered pimply unicorn to the ground, though he thankfully had no dignity to lose.

Celestia ran to the window, allowing a moment of fear to spread to her features, as she looked down towards the smoking crater that was once Discord's stony prison.

"No." Celestia rarely felt true fear, as she had several millenia worth of experience to back up her rule and wisdom, but the thought of Discord overcoming the Elements of Harmony nearly stopped her dead.

"Princess," Rarity began earnestly, "what's going on?"

"There's no time to explain," Celestia charged her radiant magic, preparing to teleport, "just stay here until I send word!"

And with that, the Sun Princess disappeared in a brilliant flash of shimmering incandescent glowing spectral shining ethereal energy, leaving the two terrified and dignity-less unicorns to sit and wonder fearfully of their fates.

For some reason, it didn't occur to either of them to simply look out the window, but if they had, then they'd have seen Celestia appearing in her overwrought lightshow and joining with her Royal Guard near the crater.

Well, one Royal Guard anyway.

"Guard, tell me what's happening, has Discord escaped once more?"

"Fear not milady," the guard saluted, seemingly not affected by Celestia's inability to identify his rank, "I have located the Main Villain, and he has only moved fourteen-point-eight feet from his previous position."

The guard (Celestia wracked her brain for his name, something to do with walls) pointed just past the crater, where Discord's statue prison was smoking and covered in soot. And on it's side. And is it just me, or does it smell like burnt popcorn?

"Oh."

I think this is what pain feels like!

I need a moment or six to recover from that...

Narrater! Go bring the readers something interesting!

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure, I'm in horrible pain, now just go exposit after the next line break!

Well that was sudden, and now prepare yourselves dear reader, for SLICE OF LIFE COMEDY!

...Except not, maybe if this fic ever gets a spinoff, but until then, enjoy the continued adventures of Tricky Strings and Loaded Dice!

We rejoin our heroes at the top of the freezing mountain range. Tensions are running high as the strenuous events of the past few days have taken their toll.

"Tricky," Loaded Dice was huddled next to the unlit fire pit, as Tricky Dice attempted to get a blaze going by twisting a stick around with his hooves, "what exactly are you hoping to accomplish?"

"Oh Loaded, Loaded," Tricky smiled a winning smile despite the frost building up on his coat, "I, of course, am creating fire with good old Earth Pony ingenuity."

"Is that so?"

"Absolutely!"

Loaded sighed as Tricky went back to trying to start a fire.

"Well my Earth Pony ingenuity is telling me that you can't start a fire with WET WOOD!"

Loaded's scream echoed about the mountain threateningly, as if harbinging some sort of doom.

Tricky looked first at his panting companion, then at the soaked wood he'd been attempting to create fire from, and then back again to Loaded.

"You have a very good point there, a very good point."

"Wha- that's it?" Loaded began to look angry as he continued, "I have a 'point'? I have a 'point' now, and not earlier, with the Diamond Dogs? I have a 'point' now, and not when we were being chased up the mountain by Timberwolves?" By this 'point' Loaded was shouting, and Tricky was backing up defensively.

"Woah, woah, woah," Tricky stuck his hooves out in a steriotypical 'defensive' posture, "where is this coming from all of a sudden?"

"All of a sudden? This entire situation is your fault! It was your idea to go into the woods, your idea to hide in the caves, and your oh so brilliant idea to use all of our matches to fend off the Diamond Dogs!"

"Oh, so this is my fault now is it?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, it is!"

"Oh, because it's not like we were ever on this adventure in the first place because you were trying to impress Ringshine?"

"Oh come off it, even if I set the ball rolling it's you who pushed it off the cliff!"

"Oh, and you just want to up and forget that you were the one who disturbed the Timberwolves AND the Diamond Dogs!"

Our heroes quarreling soon grew so loud, that they failed to hear the rumbling of the mountain, and as a result, they weren't aware of the avalanche until it was already upon them.

Tossed and turned by the mountain snow, will our heroes survive the trip down the mountain? And even if they do, will their friendship make it out intact? Find out next time, on the continuing adventures of: Tricky Strings and Loaded Dice!

Well that was uncomfortable.

And to answer your earlier question Deflem, all a jackhammer would accomplish would be sending me into a great amount of agony, which brings me to a question of my own...

WHY DID THE CUBES EXPLODE?

I can't think of a single logic...al... rea...

Oh mother, oh no no no no....

It's starting to affect my mind, the Elements of Harmony must have done more than I thought...

Even if I'm lucky this will still mean that I've been brought down to normal cognitive levels until I'm freed, but if I'm not lucky...

Oh please tell me somepony has a distraction to take the edge off.

the 2 is there because the_Changeling_Prince_1 was already taken.
I've been looking around the multiverse, and I've noticed that while your essential personality doesn't change, you are slightly different in Chaos levels, ranging from simple prankster to Evil overlord who completely corrupts ponies when bored.

Ah, my dear correspondent, so good to hear back from you. Thanks for clearing up the name issue, it must be quite a hassle to find a unique name in the multiverse, which probably explains why all of you have such strange ones.

And thank you also for bringing this information about myselves to me, it's almost interesting to distract me from the feeling of my head splitting down the middle.

Joyous, now let's see who else has written to me lately.

First off I have been wondering what the history behind poison joke is, it seems like a somewhat chaotic plant so I would assume your powers are involved in it somewhere.
Secondly, Have you ever attempted time travel? And if so what would be the best way to go about doing it?

First off, hello The_invisable_changeling, it's good to have such interesting questions to answer.

Ah Poisen Joak, of course, you're using the modern spelling, but the original name always held a special place in my heart.

Yes, Poisen Joak was one of my finest creations, a plant magicked to have a sense of humour, of all things, and it turned out beautifully.

As for time travel, I've tried it, it hurts.

As for if it's possible, I'd say probably, but the pain of temporal displacement makes it hardly worth it.

I'd suggest not attempting time travel at all, really.

Now then, who else has written to me?

1.What do you know about starswirl the bearded? I have heard rumors that you are him.
2. How are rainbows made?
Sorry if I have any mistakes in my questions. English is not my mother language.

Well, rannu, Starswirl was an interesting pony.

Obsessed with the acquisition of knowledge, he sealed himself off from society. He believed that if he could isolate the origin of 'destiny' then he could achieve magical effects beyond imagining, and it was to that end he tried to harness the magic of Chaos, a bold move, but as I was sealed in stone at the time, I couldn't exactly do anything about it.

Of course, he was never able to achieve his goal, his life gave out as he was attempting to refine his method of accessing Chaos.

That should also put to rest any crazy ideas about me being Starswirl, not that I'm sure how that theory got started.

As for how rainbows are made, it's not very interesting, some sort of Pegasus Device is used to extract and refine pure colour, they have some sort of technical term for it, but I never learned the exact methods.

And no worries about your questions, I wouldn't have been able to tell english wasn't your first question if you hadn't mentioned it.

Well, that wasn't too bad, in retrospect, and the soreness is mostly gone now, so I suppose I'm signing off now, I will speak to you all later.

"So, this is what you've been working on for the past month."

"Y-yes, Milord, I-I believe you'll b-be pleased with m-my r-results."

"There's no need to be so nervous Recursive, I have the utmost confidence in your abilities."

"O-of course, King Somnus," Recursive Angles wasn't the most confident of ponies, but he was the King's favourite court magician, "now, if m-my theory is correct, this mirror should be able to transfer physical matter to another location instantaneously, a-as long as we calibrate a recieving device somewhere else in Equestria."

"Fascinating," the King's flat tone contradicted his words, he was never the brightest of ponies, and despite being a unicorn, he wasn't very adept at the intricacies of magic, "but what does it mean for the Empire?"

"W-well, M-Milord, if we can perfect the process, we should be able to move us to any location in the world without expending any magical energy."

"I see," the King grinned menacingly, his voice becoming nearer to a growl, "tell me more, Recursive."

Author's Note

Hello!

Special thanks to everyone who Discord responded to in the comments!

Now then, for anyone who can point out the references I made, the highest reward of metaphorical cookies will be given to you!

And the mysterious award of vagueness will go to the first person who reveals the origin of Tricky Strings and Loaded Dice.

Excess of Dullness.

Ahhh, that was a fine nap. Well, as fine a nap as you can get when you're petrified anyhow. I literally wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, it's excruciating just how DULL IT ALL IS!

But I'm back, and so far today has been-

it's odd to read about someone other than pinkie breaking the fourth wall. Discord, I'm right there with you. How did the universe forget about the element of honesty? and it not have anything to do with you?

Dachande

What's this? Dachande? How do you pronounce that?

Well, whatever, at least if I'm talking I'm doing something.

And no, I couldn't have affected the Elements in that way if I tried, Chaos can't affect Harmony, neither can Order. Harmony is too powerful, too metamagical to be affected by my powers.

Hey Discord! I know a spell that can link us together. That way you get sustenance from what I eat. I love the surrogate stomach spell.

Dachande

What.

hey discord? can you summon me to equestria? I have a feeling my sarcastic and overall different nature will allow me to use chaos magic. I wouldn't do anything your amount of crazy would do. I will leave that stuff to you, but I'd still have fun showing twi the internet. (got that idea from shirotora, all credit to him for what I just said)

Dachande

After that stomach tease you aren't even in the same universe as me? Of all the {YOU INTRIGUE ME, WE WILL TALK} and as much as I'd love to bring you here, my Chaos magic is linked to this domain, a limitation set by my mother. While I've been to the inter-universal events before I haven't been able to go since Celestia and Luna sealed me here. Though the next function is scheduled to occur pretty soon, maybe I'll have broken out by then.

...I seem to have gotten off track, where were we?

Discord, don't you have something in your chaos arsenal that can at least make it easier to be trapped in stone? and besides, at least your not quantum locked, like we#%&$@#%&*els.

Dachande

Unfortunately my powers are almost completely sealed, and I'm afraid I can't afford to waste effort on comfort, I need to get out, I NEED to get my revenge on Celestia and her student, I NEED TO KNOW WHO THAT STRANGE DOCTOR IS!

Sir, if I may ask, what do you know of two old washouts named Grogar and Tirek? the appear in a few universes, and I was curious as to if they ever existed in yours.

the_Changeling_prince_2

Grogar is a beast that should never have been created! I'm glad it's sealed in it's cage!

I'm afraid I've never heard of any Tirek however, he must have been pretty small-time.

Are you a carnivore? You have the teeth for it.

toa697

I'm technically an avore. But no, I've never eaten meat, I find the thought rather repulsive actually.

hey, that sounds easier to do than w#^&%#@$^&*^$#@%.
and discord, Luna is best princess. Celestia can be really...taxing. I'm guessing you haven't tried reading $%^&#ction to pass the time, so. I recommend reading %$$%^$#$%^$%^&&%$$

Dachande

Dachande again? How did he... she... Whatever!

How did Dachande even have time to contact me this many times all at once when I normally only recieve a single communication back from each of you?

There can't be enough time to...

Time? But what could be affecting time?

Is it Dachande? Celestia? It can't be that Doctor pony...

I have a jailbroken iPad and I modded my keyboard to put down different accii code that injects objects into your univer........ Errr black magic yea
Black magic that the story and I'm sticking with it.

Deflem1

YOU!

I don't know what half of those words mean, but you keep your magic boxes to yourself I'm yrngra llits Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha-ÇÚÍÑÖ-FORK!

as a torture idea, discord, why not inject hydrochloric acid into their bloodstreams and watch them scream in agony as their own bodies disolve themselves?

Dachande

I think we're going to get along splendidly. If you ever breach the border between our Universes that is.

Hey discord, I found a cure for Petrification, you just need to make a potion from the ground up roots of a Mandrake plant. Hope this helps. P.S. have you ever met Loki (Asgarian god of Tricksters) Or Set (Egyptian god of Chaos)

zeusdemigod131

Oh I'm familiar with them all right, they're both regulars to the Function, or they were when I attended anyway.

Set's just a blowhard though, and far too concerned with his image.

And Loki, ugh! For being hailed as a 'Trickster God' the guy's a real downer, always whining and complaining about his family and how Thor was always Father's favourite and how nobody gets him because he's a poor adopted little giant-thingy.

I miss those guys.

Oh dear Mother I have a lot of correspondence to get to. I'll deal with it in a minute, the Elements have gathered and I have to watch them for any sign of weakness.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED!

Ugh! And here I was thinking I might learn something from their gathering, but it was just to celebrate that baby dragon's birthday!

Not a shred of helpful information! Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Fluttershy.

Each of their seals are holding strong, Magic's weakening has unsealed some strength, but I need the rest to doubt in their Elements as well.

What I need is an opening, some kind of fault to exploit, some weakness of their's.

I can't do anything while I'm stuck in here, I barely have any power right now, and while I'm enjoying having a shred of contact to this universe's Chaos...

Of course! This Stoning must be dulling my senses, since Chaos is a non-local energy source, I can use it anywhere I need to.

But that still means I'll have to wait for an opportunity...

the doctor huh? I have seen him aroud here and there, and, being a tenno, $%^&&%$$%&&*^%$#%&*^$$&*&^$$&he begin$##%^^%$#@$%^$an tell you, that %$$%^^%$$^^&^%$tor you saw way back when. He is%%#^&&_#%^&&%#^^&, if you piss him off, the most $%^^%$$^^%$$%^^.. pony in the multiverse.

Dachande

This again? Why is it that I can never get a straight answer about this Doctor? Is he interfering with my correspondence?

my wrist computer contracted server transmitted data while I was in the Oort cloud.

Dachande

Alright, this is getting ridiculous, why is it that each being that's contacting me is doing so in a different way?

Yes that is a question for all of you, how does this make sense?

for your question, discord, I am an interdimensional being known as a tenno, My comunications array isn't affected by location, but it's very sensitive to tampering. My dreadnaught is currently in orbit around your equestria. I am down in my forward command hub in Ponyville, but just so you know, the saying "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn" sounds like a minor toothache compared to the fury and battle tactics of a tenno hunting down beings who cause harm to those he/she protects. (in my case, all of the ponies of equestria are under my protection.)

Dachande

In orbit around my Equestria? I think you're confused about which Discord you're talking to, this wonderful Equestria is located on an infinite plane of existence, known by a twisted and inutterable name.

The ponies refer to it as 'the world', or 'reality'.

Also, while your bragging was mildly amusing, might I remind you who and what I am?

Discord, Spirit of Chaos, God of Disorder, The Laughing Tyrant, Destroyer of History, Master of Disharmony, and the best damn Giant Cow rancher you've ever seen.

I don't think you'll be much protection against me.

I have a theory for you about those cubes discord.

They exploded because they were from an alternate reality. This universe didn't want them here so it caused them to destabize at the molecular level causing an explosion.

also, I seem to have caught up with the correct timestream to reply to. yay for me.

Dachande

So the temporal disturbance was felt on both sides, was it?

It doesn't matter now, I need to bring down the Elements!

I'll be watching them closely from now on.

Dragon greed, huh? It's not how I'd pictured their downfall, but it'll do, I suppose.

I must say that I didn't expect this from the dragon's party yesterday, I had figured Twilight Sparkle would have at least done her research into a potentially dangerous creature she herself was raising.

Oh well, with the dragon getting bigger and bigger and Twilight Sparkle being too attached to it to strike it down, I just might have a rather large victory to-

OH WHAT THE HELL?

What just happened? What was that? He... gave her a Fire Ruby? That's one of the rarest, most magically powerful gems in existence, if he had eaten that, he might have even overcome his natural greed...

Well, I suppose this is the weakness I've been waiting for.

Night had set on Ponyville, and the sounds of the reconstruction efforts had since faded away. It would be several days before Ponyville was restored fully, but most of the citizens were just glad the damage wasn't worse.

But one pony in particular had nothing to be glad about right then, as Rarity tossed and turned under her sheets, gripped in a nightmare.

A sickly yellow glow pulsed weakly from under her eyelids as a mocking voice rang out in her dreams.

"How could you take it from him?"

"Don't you know how precious it was to him?"

"He'd been aging it for weeks."

"Looks like the grey you was the real you after all."

"I wonder what you'll take from them next?"

Rarity bolted upright, the yellow leaving her eyes as a soft laughter echoed unheard in the darkness.

Author's Note

An update!

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Well, if you're still bothering to read this story, tadah!

I have nothing witty to contribute, and even though I said I'd finish this chapter this week, I did about half on monday, procrastinated tuesday-thursday, and just finished it today.

Hopefully it doesn't suck too bad!

Being Stoned is a Horribly Dull Experience

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and it seems as though nothing could possibly go wrong, as though the perfection of the day will just stretch into an eternity of smiles and rainbows and- and... I HATE IT! I HATE IT ALL! I hate the sun! I hate the birds! I hate smiles and rainbows and colourful little ponies frolicking in the noontime!

But I digress, I doubt you've come here to watch me sulk and yell, and if you have then let me be the first to tell you, you have problems.

Regardless, I should probably give you a few more details into why I came to hate everything around me, and probably some how as well.

You see it all started about a week ago when I was freed from my stony prison...

I glanced around at the mayhem I had spread, 'Chaos Capital of the World' indee-

Oh, and before I forget to mention it, I'm Discord, though you should have already guessed that much.

-d.

I let out a hearty laugh as I admire my handiwork, taking a moment to fill a glass with chocolate milk from a passing pink cloud, savouring the sheer impossibility of it's filling from the top.

"Chaos is a wonderful, wonderful thing!" I shout joyously, raising the glass to my lips, but I'm interrupted by the most annoying voice from in front of me.

"Not as wonderful as friendship!" I'm honestly a little surprised to see Twilight Sparkle and her friends standing before me. Again.

"Ugh, this again?" after regaining my composure, I quickly take a moment to enjoy drinking my glass, before throwing away the chocolate milk, almost shivering as the sound of the explosion reached my ears.

Applejack spoke next, but honestly I was tuning them out at this point, "Oh Applejack, don't lie to me," it was more or less a wild guess what to say as I pulled her to me by her element, "I'm the one who made you a liar." I draw a little deeper from my magic, dragging the other element-bearers, minus Twilight, to join Applejack, "Will you ever learn?"

Then suddenly, surprising me for a second time, Twilight teleports into the midst of the others, cutting off my magic. Hmm, this is concerning, at this rate she may actually pose a threa- The thought is cut short as soon as she starts talking, Nah, can't be, I'm just getting worked up over nothing.

It's almost physically painful to listen to her speech, so I try and focus on anything but, which is when I notice Applejack isn't wearing her Element.

I start to mock them or somesuch, but I'm too interested in the disappearing Element of Honesty to pay any attention and it's back on her now, great.

Now feeling more frustrated than when I had to brainwash Fluttershy, I slouch back on my throne, feeling only slightly less bitter when I see Pinkie Pie guzzling up the chocolate rain.

I yawn and close my eyes, Now's as good a time as any to take a nap I suppose.

But my attempt at rest is cut short by a sudden barrage of butterflies and lightning bolts.

"Huh, what's this?" I lean forward to get a better look at the ponies before me, terror rising as I realise what's happening.

"No," my words catch in my throat as the giant rainbow reaches into the sky, before plummeting back down upon me.

I scream as the pain engulfs me, a stinging agony crawling up my body, freezing my limbs in place, as well as my look of ultimate terror as I quickly come to terms with this new reality.

No, it's even worse, this old reality, I'd take anything, I'd take worse than before if only to keep from the same punishment as before.

But worst of all, I STILL doen't know what happened to the Element of Honesty, it was almost like reality forgot that it was there for a moment, and while I'm all for not making sense, I had nothing to do with it!

Alas, my fate was sealed by the Elements, but most of all by Twilight Sparkle and her precious 'magic of friendship'. Gag me.

Hm? What's that? You found my summary of the event lacking in detail? Well come on, The Return of Harmony was the season two premier, you can't have missed it, and if you're reading this and you don't know what I and the freaking main cast look like, why are you even here?

Well regardless, the facts remain as thus: One, I am once again trapped in stone. Two, you can literally read my thoughts. Three, I AM BORED AS HELL!

This entire week has been utterly soured at the hands (Hands, hooves, WHATEVER!) of six little ponies, it sets my blood to boil just thinking about it. Though I suppose it could be worse, I could be you after all.

All joking aside though, I'm still trapped with no-one but you to talk to, and no offense, but this has hardly been a scintillating conversation on your end, while I've been nothing but a treat so far.

Then again, I'm the reason you're here in the first place, so I may as well hold up this conversation in style!

Or something to that effect, anyway, so have you heard the one about the chicken who crossed the snake?

It was a beautiful romance that taught us all that looking past exteriors and focusing on our true feelings ends in terror for all as a freak is born.

Seriously, those cockatrices freak me the hell out, and this is coming from the guy literally made from the parts of more than five species.

But I'm getting off topic, and that topic is giant cows, a regrettably extinct species of bovine. I bet you didn't know that I was raised on a giant cow ranch, it's a true story, toiling in the heat of the sun, it was a truly monotonous existence, only ever broken up by the occasional treat that is giant cow cheese, I loved to eat it so much I think a part of me is made of the stuff.

Goodbye.

Author's Note

So... yeah, I don't even know, or do I? Nope. Please comment so that I can know what you think of this only slightly bizarre story.

Musical Interlude 1: In The Dull of the Night

Hahaha! Twilight Sparkle's little slip-up yesterday's going to cost her now!

For you see, my little bronies, not only can I scry from my stony prison, but I can telepathically communicate with anypony in Equestria!

And that includes somepony I never thought would be in Equestria in the first place, ooh it makes me so happy I just want to sing about it!

Now my freedom is to be assured, and this time the Elements are Through!

In the dull of the night I was stiff and unmoving.

And the nightmare I had was as bad as can be.

It sent a chill through my bones,
a God turning to stone!
I'd have opened my eyes but the nightmare was me!

I was once the most powerful God in existence.
(Ooo-Wah-Ooo)

When my sisters betrayed me they made a mistake!
(Ooo-Wah-Ooo)

With wrath, I'd have made them pay,
but one little mare got her way!
Dearest Twilight, beware,
Discord is awake!

(In the dull of the night chaos will find her!)

(In the dull of the night just before dawn!)

On revenge, I will dine,
when my freedom is mine!

(In the dull of the night!) I'll be free!

I can feel that my powers are slowly returning!

Rainbow Dash will not last through my plan for those six!

As the pieces fall into place,
I'll ruin Rarity's grace!
I will crush you, Twilight, and then, your friends!

(In the dull of the night terror will strike them!)
Terror's the least I can do!

(In the dull of the night chaos will rise!)

Soon they will fear,
that their friendships aren't real.

(In the dull of the night!) I'll prevail!

(In the dull of the night, chaos will find her.) (Applejack!)

(In the dull of the night, terrors consume!) (Fluttershy!)

Ms. Pie, here's a sign,
it's the end of the line

(In the dull of the night!)

(In the dull of the night!)

Come, my changelings, rise for your master, come to Canterlot!
Feed on their love, cause some disorder!

(In the dull of the night!)
(In the dull of the night!)
(In the dull of the night!)

They'll be mine!

Author's Note

Yeah, I went there.

I'd like to thank Spirit Pumpkin for help with the lyrics, for which I am very grateful, as I needed the help.

Also, Discord will still respond to comments in future musical interludes, he just didn't have any for this update.