Expert spy: Pinkie Pie

by Kewlinthehood

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 3712

Pinkie Pie goes undercover to investigate a murder, but she finds out more than she expected.

One day, Pinkie Pie gets bored and decides she wants to solve a murder, so she goes undercover to investigate the suspicious company Apple Corp.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-30 00:28:06 UTC

1

"EXTRA! EXTRA! Read all about the murder!" cried the newspaper filly

Pinkie pie had just woken up when she had heard about the murder, murder was something that rarely happened, so that was news to her.

---------------Apple Corp. being targeted for murder!-------------------------------------------

At approximately 11:00 PM yesterday, the Earth pony Jack Pear was murdered outside of the Apple Corp. building, witnesses say that he was yelling something about "Exposing the truth", so far no murder weapon has been found. There was no blood at the crime scene either.

Police are hiring undercover agents, if you solve the murder you get free cupcakes.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

As soon as Pinkie read "free cupcakes" she was hooked, nothing was going to stop her.

So that morning, Pinkie went to the police station to sign up for the job.

"Pleasepleasepleaseplease PLEASE! Let me solve the murder! I want those cupcakes!" said Pinkie excitedly

"Do you have any prior experience as an undercover agent?" asked the Police Chief

"Nope!"

"Do you know how to solve a murder?" he asked

"Nope!"

"Do you expect to be payed?" he asked once more

"Nope! I'm just in it for the cupcakes!" Pinkie replied

"You're hired. We've already prepared your Apple Corp suit. Do you understand what to do?" said the Police chief, sipping his coffee

"Sir,yes sir!" she said

"So if I'm going to go undercover, than I need a fake name!" she thought,

"I got it! I'll be "Blinkie Blie"!" thought Pinkie Pie

She didn't know how to spell it, so she just scribbled "Not Pinkie Pie" on her name tag

So later that day, she went to sign up for her second (fake) job, at Apple Corp.

"Good afternoon, Ms. um, Not Pinkie Pie, I'm president Mcintosh, but you can call me Mac, eeyup." said the president of Apple Corp.

"I wanna sign up for a job!" said Pinkie Pie

"Do you know how to work machines?" he asked

"Maybe." she replied unsure

"You're hired." said the president of Apple Corp.

"Yay!" she said excitedly

Apple corp.'s factory was not what she expected because what she had imagined was a colorful, outdoors area with happy workers everywhere, what she saw was quite the opposite: it was drab, metallic, and everyone looked overworked.

"Hey you, do you know anything about the MURDER THAT TOOK PLACE HERE YESTERDAY, I'M NOT UNDERCOVER OR ANYTHING." said Pinkie Pie loudly to the worker next to her

"You should ask Wild Berry, he works the outside shift." said the worker quietly

"K, thanks!" she said happily

Pinkie found a pony outside who had berries for a cutie mark, so she assumed it was him.

"Hi, um are you Wild Berry?" Pinkie asked quietly

"Yes, is there something I can help you with?" he replied

"FREEZE SCUMBAG!" Pinkie pulled out a squirt gun and pointed it at Wild Berry

"PUT YOUR HOOVES ON THE WALL!" Pinkie commanded

Wild Berry was shocked, fearing that he might be arrested, so he obeyed

"DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT SEE THE CRIME?!" Pinkie Pie questioned

"I saw it! I saw it!" Wild berry bawled

"YOU'RE LYING TO ME!" Pinkie squirted him with a water gun until he started talking

"Start talking, punk!" said Pinkie sternly

"He was dashing out of the building when I saw him!" cried Wild Berry

"Who?! Who was dashing out of the building?" said Pinkie

"Jack Pear! He was running and then he just collapsed on the spot!" said Wild Berry

"Do you know if anyone else witnessed the crime?" asked Pinkie

"Mild cherry, my brother. He works as a package guy, upstairs." he said

Pinkie Pie marched back upstairs to find Mild Cherry in the packaging room.

"Are you Mild Cherry?" she asked

"Yeah, what's up?" said Mild Cherry

Pinkie Pie flashed her paper badge in his face "I'm an undercover cop named Blinkie Blie and I need to ask you a few questions."

"Did you see the crime take place?" she asked

"Yes." he replied

"Do you have any evidence that might help?" she asked

"Nope." he replied

"Do you like cake?" she asked

"Allergic." Mild cherry replied

"You monster!" she said

"Enough questions, just tell me what you saw at the crime scene.

"Well, it was lunchtime, and I was just looking out this window, when I saw Jack Pear yelling about something, then someone threw something at him. I couldn't tell, but it looked sharp! Blood went everywhere." said Mild Cherry

Pinkie pie just had a satisfied "I've caught you" look on her face

"..." Pinkie Pie was silent

...

...

...

"HOLD IT!" Pinkie pie cried

"What?" Mild Cherry asked

"Would you mind reading this newspaper article? If you read it, you would've noticed three big contradictions" she pointed out

"First, I'd like to point out to you that no murder weapon was found, not even detectives could find it." said Pinkie smartly

"Maybe I just have better eyesight?" he questioned

"Maybe you should've LOOKED into the facts then!" she joked

"Secondly, there was no blood at the crime scene. Explain that, please." said Pinkie pie, wisely

"Um, I have bad eyesight." said Mild Cherry

"Just a second ago, you said you had good eyesight, Mr. Cherry" said Pinkie, not amused

"Lastly, and my most important point, you say it was lunchtime, around 11:00, right? Well, how could've you seen him during lunchtime if he was reported dead at 11:00 PM!" Pinkie Pie concluded

--To Be Continued------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2

"Mild Cherry, my Pinkie sense is telling me you're lying!" said Pinkie Pie, annoyed

"You'll never find out, never!" Mild cherry ran off.

"What's he hiding?" Pinkie thought, "I should go interrogate Wild Berry, again, my pinkie sense says that he's hiding something for the sake of his brother."

Pinkie went down the stairs, but she was approached by President Mcintosh first.

"Hey, Ms. Pie, why haven't you been working alot lately?" he said

"Oh, I had to take a break to umm... mail my alligator to umm the library. Yeah, that's it!" said Pinkie, thinking of excuses

"Eeyup, let's go with that." he said confused

Big Mac walked away, unsuspecting of Pinkie

"Hey Wild Berry, I need to ask you a few questions." said Pinkie Pie, being oddly friendly to him

She reached for a hoofshake, and Wild Berry fell for it, she had pulled off the classic "electric handshake" only she tweaked it so it added quite a bit more volts.

"YOU LYING DIRTBAG! YOU LIED TO A COP! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LIE TO A COP!" yelled Pinkie Pie

"I told you everything!" yelped Wild Berry

"Your brother, Mild Cherry, why did he run off?" questioned Pinkie Pie

"I can't tell you that." Wild Berry whimpered

"Do I need to do any more interrogation, Mr. Berry?" she asked

"Eeep!" Wild Berry ran off cowardly

"With some people, I have to play good cop, with others, I have to play bad cop. Wild Berry is one of those people." Pinkie said, as if she had experience with the job.

Pinkie Pie was at a dead end, the only ponies who saw the crime refused to talk, "It's all over." she thought sadly. Suddenly a voice rang inside her head.

"Pinkie, you have to do this." said an unknown voice

"For what? For the experience? For justice?" she asked

"No Pinkie. Do it for the CUPPPPPPPCAIKSSSSSSEEEEEEE." replied the unkown voice

Now Pinkie was enlightened, it was her goal from the beginning, and now she had realized it. She needed those Cupcakes, not just wanted, but NEEDED those cupcakes.

"Thank you disembodied voice! I'm gonna get those cupcakes, someway or another!" Pinkie said, her fuel for investigation was now reignited.

Wild Berry can't have gone far, the first thing Pinkie noticed that was odd was a shivering dumpster, dumpsters don't catch colds.

Pinkie opened the dumpster, and found Wild Berry quivering in fear

"I already told you, I don't know anything..." he said nervously

"Get ahold of yourself, mare." she said professionally, Pinkie slapped him across the face to calm him down.

"But really, I don't know anything, please stop asking me." he said worriedly

"Sure you don't. Pal, if you don't fess up, my pinkie sense tells me that the nice mares at Ponyville's jail will be happy to have a talk with you." said Pinkie

"Nononononononono NOOOOOO! I don't wanna go to jail!" Wild Berry bawled

"Okay, the pony you should look for is named Boomer-" he began

"Is the police lady bothering you, little brother?" said somepony behind Pinkie, cutting off Wild Berry

"Mild Cherry, what are you doing here?" said Pinkie curious

"Just here to stop a certain pony from digging in another pony's buisness." he said cynically

"Gasp, Wild Berry, how dare you invade my personal matters!" said Pinkie, missing the point

"Well, if you two are done playing Sherlock Hooves, me and my brother have to talk about private things, ciao."

"A pony named Boomer, huh?" Pinkie thought, it didn't exactly seem like a common name, but she just went with it.

Pinkie went to President Big Mac's office to see if he knew anything.

"Hello, Mr. President, I have to ask you something. Do you know about a pony named Boomer?" she asked

"Ms. Pie, do you know how many employees I have?" Big Mac said, irritated

"Umm, No." she relpied

"Thousands, but lucky for you, I have a list of names. The rest is up to you." he said

"Okey-dokey! I'm gonna go take my lunch break now!" said Pinkie, who grabbed a list on the way out.

3

                                                          ( The Cakes' Bakery: 11:30 AM)

Pinkie had just gotten an extensive list of employees at Apple Corp. and she had just sat down to read it. "Okay, I just have to find a pony named Boomer, easy enough." thought Pinkie. There was one big problem though, the names weren't in alphabetical order, it was arranged by who worked where. Pinkie Pie assumed that Mild Cherry and Boomer might be friends, they would work in the same area, the packaging room.

The following names were found on the list who worked in the packaging room:

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Redd Airing

Mild Cherry

Boomer Strike

Boomer Serve

Nopa Ycheck

Boomerang Snipe

Star Cloud

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

"I swear, somepony is TRYING to throw me off!" Pinkie said gruffly

                                                     (Packaging room, Apple Corp: 1:40)

When Pinkie arrived at the packaging room, she had three general thoughts on her mind.

1.  Find the three "Boomer" ponies and interrogate them

Stay away from Mild Cherry

Cupcakes.

The next thing she did was ask a random pony if he knew Boomer Serve.

"Excuse me pal, but do you know Boomer Serve?" she asked hesitantly

"Yeah, that's me." he said calmly

"Are you and Mild Cherry close?" asked Pinkie

"Nope, I don't swing that way." he said, slightly defensive

"Sorry for bothering you." she said calmly

For the next half hour, Pinkie Pie asked everyone in the packaging room if they knew Boomer Strike or Boomer Snipe, she did eventually encounter Strike, but that conversation yielded the same results as the conversation with Serve. She had talked to everypony but one.

"I'm assuming you must be Miss Boomer Snipe, correct?" said Pinkie formally

"Yes." replied Boomerang Snipe. She was a unicorn who stood out from the rest, but in a graceful, serene way. Her fur was a rusty gold, and her hair was a dusty brown. She also wore glasses.

"Are you in any way, shape, or form related to Mild Cherry?" Pinkie asked, tired of interrogating

"We're close friends, yes." Boomerang Snipe glanced aside, as if trying to hide something.

"How long have you known each other?" she asked

"Two years, we both started working at Apple Corp. at the same time." said Snipe

"Okay. I guess that's all I needed to here." Pinkie stopped interrogating when she realized that she had no evidence to accuse anypony of anything.

She decided to go back to the Police station for advice.

                                                           (Ponyville Police Station 3:40 PM)

"Chief, I'm all out of ideas. I don't have any evidence! Just witnesses who won't give out information!" said Pinkie

The police chief glanced up from his newspaper.

"Did you try searching his house?" he said

"But isn't that... illegal?" she said

"Not if you have permission to enter." he said

"I'll see if I can ask! Thanks chief!" said Pinkie, gratefully

"Yeah whatever, just go away now please." said the chief

                                                           (Outside the Apple Corp. building 4:10 PM)

For the third time, Pinkie went to speak with Wild Berry. Luckily for him, Pinkie had decided not to put on her "Bad cop" persona.

"OH SWEET CELESTIA HAVE MERCY!" cried Wild Berry

"Listen, this will hopefully be the last of my questions, so you better cooperate!" said Pinkie

"Yes, Ma'am" he gulped

"I need to ask you for a favor. Permission to search your house. You share it with Mild Cherry, right?" she asked

"Yeah, he lives there, but will you make it quick, if he finds out, it's not gonna be pretty." said Wild Berry nervously

"Thanks! I'll make it as quick as possible." she said eagerly

                                                                      (Cherry residence: 5:06 PM)

"Alright! It's investigation time!" Pinkie bellowed

The first place she began to search was Mild Cherry's room. Inside were photos of Cherry's family, they looked so happy in the pictures, but Mild Cherry seemed very bitter in person.

Pinkie knew she couldn't take something from his home, because 1. she couldn't carry it, and 2. Mild Cherry would notice. So Pinkie had just borrowed a camera from the Police station to take pictures of evidence.

The photos were nothing special, just family pictures, but there was one that stood out in particular. It was Mild Cherry and Boomerang Snipe, holding hooves and looking at the sunset.

"Oooh, something tells me this means something!" said Pinkie, who proceeded to take a picture of the picture.

The next thing that stood out to Pinkie was a boomerang and a sponge covered in cranberry juice.

Before she could investigate any further, Pinkie heard a knock on the door. So she jumped out of a window and ran back to Apple Corp.

                                                              (Apple Corp. building, packaging room 5:40 PM)

Pinkie's next priority was to speak to Boomerang Snipe about her connection with Mild Cherry. She was prepared with evidence now.

"Ms. Snipe, may I speak to you for a sec?" Pinkie asked

"Sure, is there a problem?" Snipe appeared to be masking her worrying with fake confidence.

"There's a few questions I need to ask you. It'll be quick, I Pinkie promise." said Pinkie

Suddenly, the area around Pinkie became dark, and the only thing she could see clearly was Boomerang Snipe. There was a transparent door in front of her, that only Pinkie could see, the door had three locks on it. Perhaps it had to do with Snipe?

"Okay, so let me ask you. What is your connection with Mild Cherry?" she asked

"I already told you, we're friends. Is there anything wrong with that?" Snipe replied

"Actually there is, and I can prove it! Maybe." said Pinkie

"Take this!" bellowed Pinkie

Pinkie then presented the photo of Mild Cherry and Boomerang Snipe to her, and one of the locks on the transparent door vanished.

Snipe almost lost her composure for a second, but then she caught herself and remained calm.

"Well, that could be from anywhere! I could've bought that from a store or something! Anypony could've taken that photo!" said Snipe calmly

"Actually, it was from somewhere you should be quite familiar with!" said Pinkie confidently

"Take this!" said Pinkie

Next, Pinkie presented a photo of Mild Cherry's room, with the photo still in it. One of the locks on the transparent door disappeared.

"Somepony knows how to bluff, that could be anypony in that picture, where's your proof that I would be that close with Mild Cherry, hmm?" said Boomerang Snipe

"Take a lookie right here, ma'am!" said Pinkie

"Take this!" said Pinkie

Lastly, Pinkie presented the boomerang she found in Cherry's room.

"Playing with Boomerangs is an uncommon hobby in Ponyville, wouldn't you agree? Well, I don't think I'd too far off if I said that Cherry had that Boomerang because you gave it to him!" Pinkie concluded

Then, the final lock on the transparent door broke,the area around them turned to normal, and Snipe flinched like she had just seen something terrible.

"OK, I give up. Mild Cherry and I are currently dating. I gave that boomerang to him as an engagement gift. Is that what you wanted to hear?" she said, tired out

Suddenly, Mild Cherry barged in, irritated.

(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING BIT CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.)

"Hey you! Yeah, you the cop! I've got something to say!" he cried

"First and foremost, stay the FUCK away from my girlfriend! Keep your nose in your own business, it has nothing to do with you! Secondly, I'm tired of your bullshit detective-ass work, you act like you're a professional, but that's hardly the case! Also, you broke into my house, Wild Berry told me! What kind of dick move is that?!??!? I'm sick of all this SHI-"

The rest of his speech is incomprehensible, comprised only of sounds of nonsense rage.

...

...

...

...

"Hey. There's no need for such foal language, am I right?" said Pinkie, who fell over at her own joke

TO BE CONTINUED

Expert Attorney: Pinkie Pie

"You know what? I'm out, I'm done trying to talk you out of this, just, I give up, you win, WHATEVER!" said Mild Cherry annoyed, who then walked out of the room.

Suddenly, a deputy from the Police Station came in the packaging room in a hurry.

"Ms. Pie! It's the Police Chief, he wants to see you!" said the deputy in a high-pitched, squeaky voice.

"I'm on it!" she replied

(Ponyville Police station 7:10 PM)

"Pinkie, are you willing to sign up for another job?" asked the police chief

"What's in it for me?" asked Pinkie smugly

"Cupcakes, and a friend of yours is involved." he said

"I'm in! What's the job?" she asked excitedly

"Defense attorney, we don't really have one of those." he explained

"Okay, who am I guarding?" Pinkie then put up a boxing stance

"Nonono, a defense attorney is somepony who tries to make sure that the innocent don't go to jail, the person you'll be defending is Applejack Apple." he said

"WHAT?!" Pinkie lunged back in confusion

"She's been accused of murdering Jack Pear, the same murder you went to investigate." said the Police chief

"But that's not all, in court, there's something called a prosecutor, somepony who tries to get ponies convicted. The prosecutor you'll be going up against is Franziska Von Caramel. She's a mean one alright. There's a trial two days from now." he explained

"Okay, I have to go to talk to Applejack, thanks chief!" said Pinkie

(Apple farm 8:17 PM)

"Pinkie Pie! What in Celestia are you doing out here so late!" said Applejack

"Well, I have to talk to you. I'm your duh-fence at-turny now, K?" said Pinkie

"Oh no, how could this get any worse.." mumbled Applejack

"So why do the police suspect you of murdering Jack Pear?" asked Pinkie curiously

"Well, Ah had an argument with him before it happened, y'know the murder.." said Applejack

"Don't worry AJ, I'll do everything in my power to get you the not guilty verdict!" said Pinkie, excited"

(The next day, Apple Corp. building, 8:35 AM)

"Well, I better focus on finding evidence for the trial tomorrow." thought Pinkie

She was about to continue on to her duty, but then she noticed a unicorn who wasn't in uniform. Her fur was light blue, and her short hair was an even lighter blue.

"Foolish fools! You have neglected to find evidence for me!" said the unicorn, who was whacking some employees over the head with a ruler held up by magic

"Hey! Who are you?" Pinkie asked

"Me? I am Franziska Von Caramel, I have come all the way from Gerpony to investigate this scandal, and who might you be, you fool?

"I'm Pinkie Pie, Defense-attorney and investigator! Maybe we can be friends! OW!" Von Caramel then hit Pinkie with a ruler before she could finish.

"Foolish fool, we're enemies! Are all of you Equestrians this naive?" said Von Caramel

"Well fine! I'm gonna solve this case by myself!" Then Pinkie pie bolted to the packaging room to look for evidence.

In the packaging room, Pinkie obviously saw packages, and nothing else.

"OK, I should see if Boomerang Snipe talks." thought Pinkie

When Pinkie approached her, she appeared to be deep in thought, as if trying to decide something.

"Hey, aren't you the investigator? I need to tell you something, it's really important. Trust me." said Snipe

"I have to confess to something." said Snipe

"I-I killed him. I killed Jack Pear. But, it's not my fault..."

Pinkie pie had no words to describe what she had heard. It can't have been her, no motive or evidence to prove it. She was in shock. Finally, she asked the inevitable question.

Pinkie Pie gulped "How did you do it? Why did you do it?!?!" she asked hoping for some kind of revenge backstory that justifies it, but all she got was this.

"You'll have to find out yourself, I'm sorry." said Snipe regretfully

Pinkie was glad to get away from that conversation, her next objective was to talk to President Big Mac and see if he knew anything.

"Hello Ms. Pie, is there something I can help you with?" Big Mac asked politely

"I was just wondering, did you see the crime? I'm just a little curious." Pinkie asked hopefully

"I have no interest in it. Now excuse me, I have a meeting to attend." he said sternly

Big Mac left the room. Big mistake, his room was now open to search.

Pinkie Pie first checked his desk for anything suspicious, just pens and pencils.

There was a shelf in the corner of the dimly-lit room. There was nothing on the shelves except for a case. Inside the case, there was