My Little Denarians

by Chengar Qordath

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 217466

Harry Dresden must go to Equestria to stop an evil plot by the Order of the Blackened Denarius

Crossover with the Dresden Files. Sequel to Forever!

For his first task as the new Winter Knight, Harry must travel to the land of cute little cartoon ponies to stop a plot by the Order of Blackened Denarius that threatens both Earth and Equestria.

Warning: Includes massive spoilers for the Dresden Files series up through Ghost Story.

Published 2012-02-08 03:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-17 22:12:53 UTC

Sanity is Overrated

Luckily for the people who weren't normally ponies, the Pinkie Express had arrived on the outskirts of Ponyville so Lash and I at least had some time and privacy to do a bit of adjusting to our new bodies. To my vague annoyance, Lash seemed to handle the change a lot better than I did. I guess not having a body of her own made that a bit easier; she got to start from a blank slate, while my body was used to being human instead of a dickless cartoon horse.

A particularly worrying thought struck me. "Hey, Lash?"

"Yes my ho - Harry?" Oh yeah, I guess I wasn't her host any more.

"If you're out here in your own body, does that mean that all the Fallen working with the Denarians got fleshy too?"

Lash frowned in thought for a moment. "I do not believe so. We are still alive. If the Fallen had broken free of the limitations imposed upon them and gained unrestricted access to the physical realm that would not be the case."

Well, that was reassuring,.

I glanced back at Lash at again, and found my eyes drawn towards her flank. I admit, I had a sort of morbid curiosity about what sort of Cutie Marks the Nickleheads would be sporting; if nothing else, I could get some more snarking mileage out of the fact that these ancient immortal demon lords had cutie marks.

I wasn't sure what cutie mark I expect Lash to have, beyond hoping it was something I could use to get a bit of teasing material. To my sorrow, Lash gave me nothing to work with. Literally. She was a blank flank.

"Lash, why don't you have a cutie mark?" I briefly wondered how I could have ended up in the sort of situation where that sentence existed.

The former demon shadow and current cute little unicorn turned her head to study her own flank frowning thoughtfully at the blank white fur. "Presumably I have not found my special talent. That is how cutie marks work, yes?"

I guess that figured. I mean, Lash had been in the equivalent of a coma ever since a few minutes after she cut off her connection to Lasciel, and she'd just gotten to the point where she could handle a conversation with me a couple hours ago. I guess she hadn't had much of a chance to figure out who she was and all that. "So, does this mean you'll be joining the Cutie Mark Crusaders?"

Lash just gave me arch look, and didn't dignify that comment with a verbal response. Can't imagine why the demon shadow who had a memory stretching back millions, if not billions, of years wasn't eager to spend time hanging out with the pony equivalent of tweens.

"Ooo!" Pinkie jumped into the conversation. "You don't have a cutie mark Lashie? I've never seen a pony as big as you without a cutie mark before! Or maybe your cutie mark is white too, and we just can't see it since it matches your coat!" Pinkie let out a gasp of shock. "Or maybe your special talent is that you can turn invisible! That would explain why I can't see your cutie mark, because it's invisible too!"

"Maybe you should try turning invisible, just to find out." I never could pass up a chance to be a smartass.

"Do not encourage Pinkie Pie." Lash probably had a point there; the pink pony was crazy and hyperactive enough on her own; I don't even want to imagine what she's like with someone egging her on.

After glaring at me for long enough to drive her point home, Lash spoke up again. "So then Harry, now that we've arrived in the land of cartoon ponies, I trust you have some sort of plan for how we should proceed?"

I blinked. Oh yeah. Right. A plan. I usually tried to come up with one of those. Every once in a blue moon, they even worked. "Well, we should probably go see Twilight Sparkle. She's got a direct line to Princess Celestia, and getting in touch with a local head honcho is always a good first move." From what I'd seen of the show, Celestia was a reasonable authority figure, and if I get in touch with her and explain the situation, I could probably get the locals warned and ready to handle whatever the Nickelheads were up to. Plus, the Princess had enough of a sense of humor that I'd probably get along with her.

"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie chirped. "I'll take you to Twilight's. Walk this way!" Pinkie cheerfully started bouncing down the road, brightly humming the cartoon's theme song.

Seeing as I was technically a guest in their dimension, I decided I should follow Pinkie's instructions, and started bouncing along right behind her and humming, though I think I actually managed to hum off-key. I'm a wizard, not a musician.

Lash, for some reason I couldn't fathom, opted to walk along just a bit behind us in a normal, un-bouncy manner while shooting venomous glares at me every couple seconds. She didn't even hum along with us, which was just plain rude.

We had almost gotten to Ponyville proper when another potential issue with my newly fleshified ally sprang to mind. "Hey, Lash. You're not going to have a problem with fighting the Denarians, are you?" Sure, she might have cut her ties with Lasciel, but that didn't mean Lash would be completely cool with getting into a life and death struggle with the rest of the Nickleheads.

Lash met my eyes for a long moment, and then very slowly enunciated. "I swear upon my power that I shall loyally serve alongside Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden in his conflict with the Order of the Blackened Denarius."

I couldn't help but give a little involuntary shudder when Lash used my Name; Names have power. I was a little surprised that she actually knew my Name, though I suppose I shouldn't have been, considering the fact that she'd lived in my brain for years. Heck, according to Bob I'd even given her a chunk of my soul to help her break free from Lasciel, and compared to that a Name was small potatoes.

I was a bit surprised she'd gone and bound herself to me too. Swearing an oath by your power is a pretty big deal. You wouldn't lose all your magic from just breaking a single oath, but making a habit of breaking oaths could do some serious damage to a person's magical abilities. "You know Lash, a simple 'you can count on me' would have sufficed. I wasn't trying to push you into … well, what you just did."

"It was my choice to swear the oath." A moment later Lash froze in place, and very slowly blinked her eyes. "I chose." She very slowly repeated herself.

Oh, right, she was still kinda new to the whole free will thing. Until she'd made her break with Lasciel, she hadn't been capable of doing that. Like a lot of other supernatural beings, Lash had been an entity that simply acted according to its nature. Maybe that was part of why she'd gotten lopped out of my head, as opposed to the Fallen that we were reasonably certain hadn't come out to play. Free will is a pretty big deal, and the fact that Lash had it while the demons didn't was all kinds of important.

On the other hand, it could be that the reason Lash wasn't sharing brain-space with me was down to something completely different, like the fact that Lash was not a card-carrying member of the Legions of Hell anymore. Whatever the case, I wouldn't complain too much about having more help for the inevitable throwdown with Nicky and his goons.

"How's the free will thing working out for you, anyway?" You can't blame me for being curious about how Lash was adjusting; picking up free will was a pretty huge change, after all.

"It is..." Lash hesitated, searching for the right word. "Different." The two of us walked along in slightly awkward silence for a few seconds, before she spoke up once more. "I believe I have made another choice. If Lasciel is amongst the Denarians present in Equestria, I wish to face her in battle."

"Ah, yes, the classic good twin versus evil twin battle. Let me guess, I'm supposed to stay out of it, because this is a battle you want to win for yourself."

"I will tell her as much if we should meet." Lash confirmed. A moment later, she shot a smirk at me and added. "However, you should feel free to attack her at any point during my fight with her. Ideally, you should hit her from behind, while her attention is focused on me and her guard is down."

"Isn't that cheating?" Not that I had any real objection to Lash's strategy; I'd gotten over the whole idea of fighting fair about the time I got smart enough to realize that most people's definition of 'fair' tended to tilt the board in their favor.

"I prefer to think of it as victory by pragmatism." Lash countered, still grinning. "I would appreciate it if you would at least let me be the one to finish her off, but if you end up killing her in midst of pitched battle that's fine." Seeing such casual bloodthirstiness expressed by a cute little cartoon pony was a wee bit disturbing.

"Hey Lashie." Pinkie suddenly piped up. "Since you don't have a cutie mark, maybe I should tell you how I got mine?"

"That's really not necessary, Pink–"

Before Lash could even finish her sentence Pinkie had already launched in the tail. "It all started back on my parents' rock farm."

"I've already seen episode 23, Pinkie."

Pinkie Pie wasn't about to let a few inconvenient facts stop her from telling a story. "There was no singing, no laughing, and no talking..."

"And then I said 'oatmeal, are you crazy?' But it turns out that when you put oatmeal and alfalfa sprouts and hot sauce on cupcakes they turn out really, really tasty. And that's how I met Twilight Sparkle" Pinkie concluded. "Maybe next time I'll tell you how the story of how Equestria was made by the three pony tribes, it's a real gem."

"Yes, I'm sure it is, and I would just love to hear it." My sarcasm detector was overloading.

Unfortunately for both of us, whoever had installed Pinkie Pie's brain had obviously left her ability to understand sarcasm and metaphors in the same place as her sanity. Pinkie immediately started bouncing up and down even more excitedly than usual. "Well if you're that eager, why don't I tell you the story of how Equestria was made right now?"

Lash groaned and facehoofed. "Would it make any difference if I told you didn't want to hear it?"

"It all started when the three types of ponies lived on their own, and there was this really big nasty winter that just wouldn't go away –"

"We're here." Actually, we were still across the road from the huge hollowed-out tree that held Ponyville's library and served as Twilight Sparkle's home, but I figured I had to do something to cut Pinkie off before she got started on storytime again. Pinkie Pie is tons of fun to be around, but I'm pretty sure she was getting close to pushing Lash over the edge. Lash using her newfound free will and independence to murder a certain hyperactive pink party pony wouldn't be the best of starts to her new life.

Once we were at Twilight's front door, I tried to knock on the door, only to pause with one of my forehooves halfway up to the door upon remembering that, oh yeah, I was a horse. Knocking on doors works a bit different when you're a quadruped who doesn't have hands any more. I tried to improvise, and found out that balancing on three legs was a bit more difficult than I had expected. I hastily put my raised leg back on the ground before I could tumble over and make a fool out of myself.

Now that I thought of it, I kind of wish I'd brought Billy or one of the other Alphas along now. The local werewolf club probably would have been able to give me all kinds of advice on how to adapt to being shapeshifted into a four-legged creature.

Before I could work out how to knock on the door with one hoof while balancing on the other three, Pinkie Pie passed by me and just barged right into the library. "Hey Twilight! I brought some friends! We're gonna have a big party to welcome them to Ponyville! But first they wanna talk to you about..." Pinkie frowned, and looked back me, tapped a hoof against her chin, and then resumed. "Um, some guys called the Nicklebacks or something."

"Nickleheads." I gently corrected. "Though their real name is the Order of the Blackened Denarius."

"Well why do you call them Nickleheads if that's not their real name?"

"Nickleheads is a funnier name."

"Hmm." Pinkie stood up on her two rear legs (inspiring a bit of envy from me, considering my own lack of equine balance). "Nickleheads." She raised one of her forelegs, as if she was weighing something. "Order of the Blacked Denarius." She raised the other hoof, obviously trying to measure the relative funniness of the two names. After a few seconds of careful thought, she dropped back down to all fours and shot me a pleased smile. "You're right; Nickleheads is a much funnier name for them. Next time you see them you need to tell them to change their names!"

"I tried, but they didn't take my advice."

"Well, it sounds like they're just a bunch of big meanie grumpy mean-meanie-pants no fun grumpy grumps." Pinkie frowned in disapproval. "I even gave them cupcakes! They must be some serious fun-haters if my cupcakes aren't enough to fix them up. If they're such super-mega grumps, then I might have to take some extreme measures, Pinkie Pie style!"

"Let me guess, you plan to invite them to a party."

Pinkie let out a shocked gasp. "How did you know?"

"Your solution to everything involves either parties or sugary sweets." Lash commented. "You already tried sugar on them, so all you have left is parties."

"That's so not true." Pinkie countered indignantly. "You forget about singing. I've got lots of greats songs for turning somepony's frown upside down. Or I could go for a fun prank. And then, sometimes I combine sweets and parties at the same time, which is, like at least 20% funner than if it was just parties or sweets by themselves. Oh, oh, or I could sing songs and have pranks at the party with sweets! That would so super-duper-ooper fun that nopony could ever not be happy! Oh, and games! Games are fun too! It'd be like everything the Grand Galloping Gala should've had, if it wasn't full of no-fun ponies who wouldn't know a good party if it bit them right on the patootie, and why hasn't Twilight shown up already?"

"Wait, what?" That topic change happened so fast it left me with a case of mental whiplash.

"Twilight. I called for her, like, five minutes ago, and she hasn't show up yet. Where is that silly-willy-filly?" Pinkie bounced further into the library, shouting. "Twilight? Spike? Where are you? Oh! Are we playing hide-and-seek? I love and hide and seek!"

I was about to follow Pinkie in, but hesitated at the doorway. Entering someone else's home uninvited isn't a good move for a wizard. Most homes have a field of magical energy called a threshold that provides some protection against intruders from the spooky side of things. If a wizard, or just about anything else supernatural, tries to go across a threshold uninvited, they leave a lot of their power behind. That's why it was standard procedure in the supernatural world to wait for an invitation before going into another person's home. Nobody likes going around with one hand tied behind their back.

Plus, barging into someone's home uninvited is just plain rude.

Pinkie, unsurprisingly, wasn't familiar with all the supernatural rules from my side of things. The pony turned back to look at Lash and I. "Hey, what are you two slowpokes waiting for? We'll find those two a lot faster if we split up!"

"Well Pinkie..."

Apparently the pony wasn't in the mood to wait for an actual answer to her question, because her forelegs suddenly stretched out to a truly ridiculous length, allowing her to grab Lash and I, and then drag the both of us over to her. I was a bit relieved that I didn't feel any of the usual effects of violating a threshold when I crossed through Twilight Sparkle's doorway. Maybe the fact that her home doubled as a library kept a threshold from forming; when your home is used as a public location there's none of the sense of privacy a threshold needed in order to grow.

Or, more likely, a completely different universe had different magic rules. It was kind of obvious in hindsight, but I'd gotten used to dealing with thresholds and invitations, especially after my little ghostly jaunt through Chicago. Wizards can power through a threshold if they really want to. Ghosts, not so much.

"Alrighty." Pinkie announced. "Now that you two aren't sitting outside any more, Lashie can look upstairs, and Harry, you can check out Twilight's laboratory." Pinkie drew the last word out, and added the practically obligatory mad scientist laugh at the end of it.

Lash shot a look my way, and I gave her a quick nod to go along with Pinkie's instructions. There was really no reason not to just go along with her, and the faster we got a hold of Twilight, the faster we could get in touch with Princess Celestia. I trotted through the door into Twilight Sparkle's basement.

Twilight's lab was a lot more science-y than the lab I'd had back in my old Chicago apartment. Even a year after the fact, I was still kind of pissed off about losing my old lab, especially since I'd just finished getting a very nice and expensive upgrade to my summoning circle. Sure, now that I was working for Mab I could probably replace all the materials and tools I had lost when my lab burned without any trouble (except for Bob), but it was the principle of the thing. Someone had taken away my stuff. A lot of it wasn't very good stuff, but it was still my stuff.

Anyway, from what I'd seen of the cartoon, magic and science got along a lot better in this universe. Having a completely different magical and technological system tends to do that. Or maybe their technology was all magic-based? If I get a chance, I should try looking into that. My life would be a bit more convenient if I didn't burn out modern tech all over the place. I'm sure magic cell phones and computers would be nice and all, but I'd settle for just having a hot water heater that got along with magic. I might be working for Winter now, but that didn't mean I liked taking cold showers every single day.

Turns out I was the lucky guy who got assigned to the right floor of library; once I made my way very slowly and carefully down the stairs, I found a familiar-looking purple unicorn zonked out across a rather large book. Judging by the set of half-full beakers sharing table space with her book, she'd been in the middle of messing around with some magical science or sciencey magic when her get up and go had finally gotten up and gone.

I hesitated for a moment, and considered going back upstairs to get Pinkie. I'm not sure how Twilight would react to waking up and finding a complete stranger in her home. A look back at the staircase changed my mind; I wasn't quite comfortable enough in my new horse-y form to risk taking multiple trips up and down the staircase if I didn't have to, and yelling for Pinkie would probably just wake Twilight up anyway. "Um, Twilight Sparkle?" I tried to keep my tone gentle enough that I would not startle her too much.

No answer from the sleeping pony. I tried repeating her name a little louder, and didn't get anything more out of her than a vague sleepy grumble. Looks like someone is a heavy sleeper, or maybe she'd just been up until the wee hours of the morning on her latest little project. In any case, I would have to be a bit more forceful if I actually wanted her awake any time soon.

I very tentatively raised a foreleg, and after a second or so of wobbling managed to find a comfortable balance. Then, I very gently nudged her shoulder and called her name again. The brief moment of physical contact was enough to send a tingle up my leg; looks like even in cartoon-land, physical contact allowed me to recognize another practitioner. Good to know, though as long as I was in Equestria I hardly needed that particular little perk. Finding the magic-wielders was pretty easy when they all had big old unicorn horns sprouting out of their foreheads.

From what I'd been able to tell in that brief moment of contact, Twilight Sparkle was packing some serious power. I made a mental note to restrain any urges to make jokes about her name. Lash had probably already heard them all before anyway, and Pinkie Pie is the only pony who might actually get why the words 'Twilight' and 'Sparkle' were funny.

I gave her another nudge, and the sleeping unicorn's eyes finally popped open. The pony grumbled out something that sounded roughly like "Habujawamrgl" blinked her eyes a few times, and then let out a massive yawn and stretched her legs out. Once Twilight finished unleashing a truly epic yawn, it seemed that the Unicorn had finally joined the land of the wakeful.

Twilight Sparkle's eyes widened in surprise when she noticed me, but there wasn't any of the screaming kicking, or violent telekinetic tricks I'd feared she might use on me. Instead, she just very politely asked. "Um, who are you, why are you my library and why did you wake me up?"

Huh, usually people tend to have a rather bad and frequently violent reaction when a strange, tall and scruffy guy breaks into their home and wakes them up. Then again, my experience was with the real world, where people have to be afraid of a lot of nasty things that just can't happen in the land of genitalia-less cartoon ponies.

"We've actually met before Miss Sparkle, though I can't really blame you for not recognizing me. Harry Dresden." By pure force of habit, I extended a hoof, as if she would be able to shake my hand. Twilight stared at me in blank incomprehension. "We met when Pinkie crossed dimensions and wound up in my kitchen a while back, remember?"

"What?" The unicorn stared at me incredulously. "But you weren't a pony then, you were one those human things. Why are you a pony now?" The pony blinked, and gave a quick shake of her head. "Wait a minute, why are you here? You're supposed to stay in your home plane, where you belong, not come to Equestria! How did you –"

"Pinkie Pie."

Twilight let out a groan of pure exasperation. "Princess Celestia told her not to bring anypony or anything back with her whenever she went on one of her little trips outside of Equestria." Twilight let out another, even loader groan. "Spike!" She yelled. "Spike! Where are you?" The pony turned back to me. "I'm so sorry about this Mr. Dresden, but don't worry, once I let the Princess know she'll send you home right away."

"Hang on a second." I tried to cut the unicorn off. "I'm actually here for a reason, so-"

"Oh no!" Apparently, Twilight wasn't in the mood to listen to my perfectly reasonable explanation when she could drive herself into a state of irrational neurotic panic instead. "Pinkie's going to get into so much trouble with the Princess for this! I should've done something to keep this from happening! The Princess is going to be so disappointed in me! Stupid, stupid Twilight!"

Before I could make any progress in explaining what was actually going on, Spike stumbled through the door, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Pinkie and Lash followed him into the basement. "Hey, Twilight." The baby dragon called out. "Pinkie and one of her friends are here, and they wanna talk to you." Twilight's number one assistant paused when he saw me. "Uh, make that Pinkie and two of her friends." Spike let out a sheepish chuckle.

"Wow, nothing gets past those finely tuned Dragon senses, does it Spike?"

Ah, I'd forgotten how wonderfully smartassed the purple pony was. Either we would be great friends, or I would have to kill her in an elaborate ritual battle to determine which of us had the smarter ass. In the end, there can be only one supreme smartass.

Twilight turned a glare on Pinkie. "As for you - I can't believe you actually brought two Outsiders here. Princess Celestia specifically told you that you if you leave Equestria again you should come back as soon as possible, and to never, ever bring anypony back with you! What were you thinking? When Princess Celestia finds out what you did she'll ... she'll ... well, I don't know what she'll do, but it'll be really, really bad!"

"But I had to bring them!" Pinkie protested. "It's super-duper important Twilight!".

For a moment it looked like the unicorn was going to just ignore Pinkie's objection and continue chewing her out, but then Twilight paused and took a few deep breaths, then asked in much more level tone. "Important like the Parasprites?"

Pinkie nodded so vigorously I was a bit amazed she wasn't breaking something in her neck. Twilight took another deep breath, and then said as calmly as she could manage. "Right, so it's important. Could someone please explain what exactly is going on here?"

"Ooh! Ooh! I can!" Pinkie shouted, hopping up and down while wildly waving her forelegs in the air. "Pick me! Pick me!"

"Can anyone other than Pinkie Pie explain what's going on here?" Twilight amended, managing a deadpan delivery that was good enough to bump her up another level on my smartass-o-meter.

"Yeah." I spoke up and got an incredibly disappointed look from Pinkie for my trouble. "The short version is that there are some very nasty folks from side of the pond who came to Equestria and are planning stir up some serious trouble. I found out about it, and came here to stop them." I took a calculated risk and met the unicorn's eyes; I needed to make it very clear how serious I was, and I was reasonably certain cartoon characters didn't have souls that operated according to my universe's rules. "These guys are seriously bad news; I still don't know what they're up to here, but the only goal of the Order of the Blackened Denarius is to cause as much chaos, misery, death, and destruction as they can. Whatever they have planned, it's bad for Equestria."

By the time I finished Twilight Sparkle was looking worried. "Pinkie, is he telling the truth about this?"

"Yup, except they're not called the Order of the Black Denny, they're the Nickleheads, 'cause that name is funnier."

"Right." The purple pony rolled her eyes at Pinkie's latest bit of randomness, unaware that it was technically my fault, and then turned to her assistant. "Spike, take a letter." The baby dragon grabbed a quill and some parchment, and dutifully wrote as Twilight dictated a short letter informing Princess Celestia of the situation. Once Spike finished writing, the dragon sent the letter off to Canterlot with a burst of magical fire.

Super, now all I had to do was wait. From what I'd seen of the show, Celestia tended to answer Twilight Sparkle's letters pretty quickly, and I was reasonably certain that for something this urgent we'd get a response within a minute or two.

While we waited, I decided to handle a few introductions. Presumably, Lash already knew them from sharing brain space with me, but they didn't know Lash. "Twilight Sparkle, this is Lash. Lash, meet Twilight Sparkle."

"And I'm Spike." The baby dragon announced. He looked a bit put out over the fact that nobody had introduced him.

"Nice to meet you Lash."

"Likewise, Twilight Sparkle."

"Yeah, Nice to meet you too, Lash and guy who still hasn't told me his name." Spike called out.

"So are you a magic user like Harry, Lash?"

Lash frowned at the question. "The presence of a horn would indicate so, and I certainly have the theoretical knowledge. However, I have not yet attempted to use magic since obtaining this form..."

"Oh! Well, I think I still have my notes from when I had to go to Harry's dimension; I'll check them and see if I can work out anything about how your magic will work in Equestria." The unicorn started trotting up the stairs, Lash following closely behind. "By the way," Twilight asked, "To what degree does magic in your universe rely on structured internalized casting of specified spell-forms within a defined magical matrix, as opposed to improvisational manipulation of magical energy to achieve the desired outcome?"

As the unicorn and demon-shadow trotted up the stairs, I caught the start of Lash's response, which just sounded like more magibabble to me. I've got a decent grasp of magical theory, but at heart I've always been more of a doer than a scholar.

Spike walked up to me, and thrust out one of his claws in greeting. "Hi, I'm Spike. Nice to meet you. What's your name?"

"Hey Pinkie." The party pony in question immediately perked up when I called out to her. "Want to play a couple games of tic tac toe while we wait to hear back from the princess?"

"Okie dokie!" Pinkie readily agreed. Pinkie immediately started bouncing up steps back to the ground floor, while I followed behind at a slower, more cautious pace.

Behind me, I heard a very annoyed baby dragon cry. "Am I invisible or something?"

"Aha! Victory is mine!" I stared down triumphantly at the perfect row of three Xs. It had been a difficult battle, but it had all been worth it for this one moment.

"Right, that puts it at 57 wins for me, 1 win for you." Pinkie didn't seem the slightest bit bothered by the fact that she now only had a 56 game lead on me. She might seem a bit scatterbrained, but she was ridiculously good at this game; I half suspected she'd let me have this win just to salve my bruised ego.

Twilight shot another look at Spike over her shoulder. "Still no word from the Princess?"

"Did you see me burp out a scroll, Twilight?" I'm not sure if Spike's moodiness came from feeling ignored, or just the fact that Twilight kept asking him the exact same question every minute or so.

"You did remember to mark it as urgent, didn't you Spike?"

"Do you remember what I told you the last five times you asked that question?"

Twilight Sparkle sighed. "Sorry, it's just, it's never taken her this long to answer a letter before, especially not when it's about something this important."

"She's probably just tied up in a meeting or something." Spike answered reasonably.

"But my letter is really important!"

"Twi, everyone tells Celestia that their business with her is really important. Relax, you'll get an answer soon enough. It's not like Equestria's going to fall apart if you spend five more minutes talking to Lash about your book stuff and Harry keeps losing to Pinkie Pie."

"Hey, I won a game." Sure, it was one win out of fifty-eight games, but I'd earned that win, darnit!

"I'm sure you're very proud of beating Pinkie Pie at tic-tac-toe, Harry." Lash deadpanned. "In any case, Twilight and I have been talking, and we believe you should be capable of using your magic more-or-less normally, so long as you use your horn as a magical focus."

"Huh. That's a lot simpler than I thought it would be." Not that I was complaining about it being easy to use my magic; taking down the Denarians would be just about impossible if I had to do it without access to all my usual spellslinging.

"Well, according to Twilight, dimensional travelers undergo a shifting process upon entering a new dimension where their inherent qualities alter to match the established rules of the new universe while preserving as much of their original nature as practicable." Lash smirked, and added. "Or to put it terms you can understand, your magic has to follow the rules of unicorn magic, but otherwise works the same as normal."

"So, all I have to do is channel all my spells through my horn, just like if I was using a staff or blasting rod?"

"Just so, though some of your more intricate spells could prove problematic. I have not yet had the opportunity to test anything beyond the most basic thaumaturgy."

"You know me; I've always been a fan of sticking with the basics." Sure, I'd done plenty to diversity my repertoire over the years, but it's hard to wrong with my old standbys of setting the bad guys on fire and smacking them with blunt force.

Trying to channel magic through the horn on my head caused an odd sort of tingly sensation on my forehead, but after a few seconds I'd worked out how to do it. Just like Lash told me, it was exactly like using a staff or blasting rod, except this staff happened be a bony spike on my skull. "Ventas servitas."

Just as I'd planned, a gentle breeze stirred the air in the library. Not too shabby. It would get a bit of taking used to, but I'd be able to survive. With any luck, the Nickleheads would have to adjust to the way things worked in Equestria too.

I was halfway through trying out some basic magical exercises when Pinkie Pie suddenly grabbed her tail in one of her forelegs and cried out. "Twitchy twitch! Twitcha twitcha twitch!" Sure enough, the pony's poofy tail was quivering violently.

"Twitchy Tail!" Spike shouted. "Something's gonna fall!" The baby dragon scrambled under the table, and a second later Pinkie joined him. Lash and Twilight were just as quick to take cover in one of the doorways. Since all the good cover had been taken up by the ladies and Spike (curse my chivalrous heart) I opted for pressing myself against one of the outer walls; it wasn't much, but it was better than just standing right in the middle of the room waiting to get crunched by whatever was falling.

Moments later, I heard a distant but rapidly approaching cry of "Not agaaaaaiiiiin!" Something shot through the window and slammed into the middle of the room, sending books and paper flying all over the room.

"Hi Rainbow Dash." Twilight said dryly. "Nice of you to drop in."

"How'd you know it was me?" With all the scattered sheets of paper flying around the room, I could only vaguely see an equine form, but Rainbow Dash's scratchy voice was unmistakable.

"Lucky guess." The unicorn responded. She set to using her telekinesis, and within moments everything was back in relative order. Twilight Sparkle yanked a book out from underneath Rainbow Dash, then frowned when she noticed a large glob of something pink on the cover. The unicorn turned her attention to the rainbow-maned pegasus. "What's that stuff you're covered with?"

Now that I finally had a clear view of Rainbow Dash, I saw that there was some of sticky pink goo covering several patches of her blue coat and gumming up her wings. On top of that, the pegasus seemed to have gotten herself thoroughly soaked, and was dripping some sort of brown liquid all over the floor. "You're not gonna believe it, but it's cotton candy."

Before Twilight or anyone else could get around to asking Rainbow Dash the rather obvious question of how she wound up covered in cotton candy a pink blur shot out from under the table and tackled the pegasus. "Pinkie Pie!" Rainbow cried out. "What the hay do you think you're doing?"

"You smell like chocolate, Dashie!" The pink pony nipped a bit of the cotton candy off of her friend, and a moment later let out a delighted cry. "Chocolatey cotton candy goodness!"

Everyone one else in the room could only stare in shock as Pinkie proceeded to pin Rainbow Dash down begin the process of eating every single bit of sugar currently stuck on the pegasus's body. "Pinkie! Cut it out! Get off!" Pinkie Pie did nothing of the sort, and Rainbow wasn't having any luck trying to force her friend off.

Twilight Sparkle seemed to recover her wits first. "Well Rainbow Dash, what did you expect would happen when you showed up in front of Pinkie covered in sugar and chocolate?"

Curse you purple pony. That could have been my smartass line, but you stole it.

Rainbow Dash made a few more token efforts to get away from the sugar-crazed pink pony, and I was very grateful for the fact that as far as I could tell these cartoon ponies had neither the equipment nor the mentality to do anything sexual, because otherwise this whole scene would have been really inappropriate. As it was, I was pretty sure that everything happening here would wind up on the cutting room floor.

I was just about to deliver a bit of wonderfully inappropriate smartassery when I noticed a certain demon turned unicorn fixing me with an impressive glare.

I might be a bit clueless (okay, a lot clueless) when it comes to women, but even I understand the 'don't say anything or I will make you regret it for the rest of your life' glare. I kept my stupid comments in my pocket, or wherever it is I keep all those smartass remarks I never get around to using.

Eventually, the pegasus just sighed and resigned herself to her situation. "Pinkie, could you try to get the stuff outta my wings? Right now they're stuck together from all the sugar, and I can't fly straight." Being a good friend, Pinkie Pie immediately set to gobbling up the cotton candy stuck between Dash's feathers. Friendship is all about compromise and working together.

"So, like I was about to say," Rainbow Dash began, doing her best to ignore the pink pony gnawing on her. "The weather's been going completely crazy all day. One minute I'm taking a nice little nap, and then all of a sudden we've got cotton candy clouds that are raining chocolate milk all over the place. I've been trying to clear it up, but it's completely nuts out there. Never seen anything like it."

"Wait wait wait." Pinkie Pie cut in. "Did you just say it's raining chocolate milk?"

Rainbow Dash took one look at her pink friend, and sighed. "Yeah, it is."

Pinkie gave a huge grin and let out a happy little squeak, and then shot out the door, singing all the way. "Chocolate Rain. Some stay dry and others feel the pain. Chocolate Rain..."

"Cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain?" I frowned; I didn't remember anything like that happening in the cartoon. "That can't be normal."

"That's what I said." Rainbow Dash looked over at me, and then frowned. "Hey, waitaminute, who are you?" The Pegasus gave me a critical once-over. "You look kinda familiar..."

"Harry Dresden. We met a while back, when you guys had to chase Pinkie Pie to my little bit of reality. I was considerably less pony-like at the time." I pointed over at Lash. "That's Lash. Lash, meet Dash." I've always been a sucker for a bit of gratuitous rhyming.

"Oh. Why're you here, and why're you a pony now instead of ... whatever the hay you were before."

"Pinkie Pie."

Rainbow Dash made a sound halfway between a sigh and a laugh. "She is so random."

I felt a bit bad about holding the truth back, but I figured that the whole story should wait until I was in touch with Celestia. However, I was starting to get a bit worried that she might be out of the picture. It had been an uncomfortably long time since Twilight had sent her letter to the Princess, and there was still no answer. If we didn't hear from her soon, I would wait until Twilight could get her little crew together, and then tell the rest of them what was going on. I couldn't be completely sure, but I imagine even Nicky wouldn't like getting smacked in the face by the magical friendship rainbow of doom that the Elements of Harmony could spit out.

There's a thought; I wonder if the Elements were what Nicodemus was after. They were a pretty potent weapon after all. Nah, the Order of the Blackened Denarius wasn't exactly overflowing with Honesty, Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, Laughter, and Friendship, and the Elements were just some fancy looking jewelry unless the people trying to use them had a buttload of those virtues.

"Mr. Dresden?" Twilight Sparkle caught my attention. "This weather's probably somepony's idea of a prank. I need to go help Rainbow Dash get it under control; it shouldn't take too long, I know exactly what spell I can use to fix everything." Twilight frowned for a moment, and added. "I'll have to ask you and Lash to stay here in the Library while I'm gone. From what the Princess told me, it could cause problems if you two went wandering around Ponyville."

"I understand." Not like I could really do a whole lot on my own anyway. Right now I didn't have any solid leads on what the Denarians were up to, and asking random ponies on the street wouldn't accomplish anything unless I got ridiculously lucky. Besides, going around bothering random ponies could cause all kinds of unexpected complications, and I did want to minimize how much I disrupted this universe.

Twilight trotted out the door, followed by Spike, while Rainbow flew out the window she'd crashed through a few minutes ago. Then, Lash and I were alone.

"So, up for a game of tic tac toe?"

Up Horse Apple Creek Without a Paddle

Since Lash and I were basically stuck inside Twilight Sparkle's place until she got back, there wasn't a whole lot for us to do to occupy our time. Tic tac toe got old quick.

A bit more practice with my magic confirmed exactly what I already knew; my magic still worked more-or-less the way it always had. Yeah, having my staff be a chunk of bone growing out of my forehead took quite a bit of getting used to, but I had plenty of experience in messing around with magical forces. It was weird, but I've had to deal with plenty of stranger things in my day.

It probably says something about the kind of life I lead that getting turned into a cartoon unicorn with a magic horn and no genitalia was only around #5 or so on the list of the most screwed up and outright weird things that have ever happened to me.

Once I had a handle on my magic, I moved on to the trickier issue of getting used to my new body. After about half an hour of work, I think I'd gotten to the point where I wasn't in danger of stumbling around and tripping over myself like a newborn foal, but the trickier stuff was still a bit hit-or-miss. I needed to get a handle on it quick; I'm not sure how well the Nickleheads might have adapted to running around all ponified, but judging by how quickly Lash got used to her new body it was probably a safe bet that they'd handled the transition better than I was. After all, most of the Denarians would have experience with shifting into their demonic forms every once in a while, while I spent 99.99% of my time as a human.

I was a bit grateful for the fact that I'd spent a couple years on Ebenzar McCoy's farm. Spend enough time around horses, and you do learn a few things about equine anatomy, so at least I had a basic grasp of how a horse was supposed to move. Cartoon ponies worked a bit differently than real-life horses, but I'd take whatever help I could get.

My former Fallen-shadow companion, having already adapted to her new body, quickly got bored of watching me tumble over whenever I tried jumping around or balancing on less than four legs. Eventually, Lash's pacing around and tapping her hooves on the floor started to get just a little bit distracting. "You know, we're in a library. If you're that bored, read a book."

Lash snorted, and a second she'd grabbed a book off the shelf using unicorn telekinesis (something I hadn't even tried to do yet) and then opened it up and shoved it in my face. Unreadable squiggly black lines covered the entire page.

Well, that was a bit of a problem. Guess the animators didn't want to go to all the trouble of actually putting legible text into all the hundreds of books in Twilight Sparkle's library. I wonder what happens if I try to go somewhere that they haven't gotten around to animating yet?

Wait a minute ... if I existed in cartoon-land, did that mean that back in the real world there was a little cartoon pony versions of me and Lash sitting on Lauren Faust's hard drive? Was there someone animating what I was doing right now? Did I have a voice actor following a script and saying all my lines?

Gah. I miss the Fourth Wall.

Before I could drive myself any further into an existential frenzy, Twilight Sparkle finally came back, Spike riding on her back. The first thing I noticed was the scroll she had floating in front of her, presumably the long-awaited response from Princess Celestia.

Following behind her came Rainbow Dash. Judging by the fact that Pinkie Pie was sitting on Dash's back and was currently gnawing on her mane, I figured the weather pegasus had tried to corral some more of those chocolate-filled cotton candy clouds while they were out. "Pinkie Pie," The pegasus groaned "Will ya cut it out and quit trying to eat me?"

Pinkie came up for air long enough to declare. "I'll stop eating you when you stop being so delicious," and started gnawing away on her best friend again.

After the pink sugarphiliac and the victim of her cannibalistic urges came the three ponies I hadn't been properly introduced to yet: Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy. Applejack and Rarity studied Lash and I with obvious curiosity, while Fluttershy hid halfway behind the other ponies and shot nervous glances at us every few seconds.

Twilight let me know that she'd already given the other ponies the rundown on who Lash and I were, so we got right down to making introductions. "Um, hi." I waved at the newcomers with one of my front hooves. "I'm Harry Dresden, and this is my friend Lash."

"Howdy-do, Mr. Dresden." The freckled orange cowpony stepped forward and gave my hoof a vigorous shaking. For some reason, I had a feeling that if we'd both been equipped with hands she would be one of those types who uses a handshake as a way to test her new acquaintance's strength and pain threshold. "The name's Applejack, pleased to meetcha."

The unicorn introduced herself next, daintily extending a single hoof in marked contrast to Applejack's greeting. "A pleasure Mr. Dresden, Ms. Lash. I am Rarity." I took the offered hoof and gave it a gentlemanly kiss.

See, I can have good manners; it's just that most of the time I don't see any reason to bother. As I'd expected she would, the other unicorn made an appreciative little noise at my display of chivalry, though a second later I spotted a baby dragon giving me a fairly impressive death glare. The kid didn't need to get himself so worked up, I knew the Guy Code. Bronies before Ponies.

The yellow pegasus nervously pawed at the ground, and then very quietly said. "My name is Fluttershy." Well, I assume that's what she said; her voice had been a bit too quiet and terrified for me to make out what she actually said.

With introductions done, Twilight Sparkle wasted no time getting down to business. "I finally received a response from Princess Celestia."

"I told you she was just busy with Princess stuff." Spike complained. "But nobody ever listens to me."

"Who?" I asked.

"Me, Spike." The dragon answered.

"Who?" I asked again. Yeah, riling the kid up some more probably wasn't the nicest thing I've ever done, but it was just too much fun not to do.

"Spike. You know, baby dragon, Twilight's number one assistant."

"Who?"

The kid's eye started twitching. "You're doing that on purpose, aren't you?"

"Who?"

"You! Harry Dresden!"

"Who?"

If looks could kill, there would be one less transformed human wizard in Equestria. After a short and slightly awkward pause, the unicorn resumed speaking. "The Princess wants to meet with both you and Lash at once. We will be accompanying you to Canterlot."

"Super." Looks like things were actually going smoothly for once; I already had a meeting with the big boss-lady, and with her help I could probably handle the Nicklehead situation before it got too bad.

"How far is the journey to Canterlot?" Lash asked.

I was tempted to make a terrible joke about how long the journey would take if we moved at a canter, but before I could figure out the most cringe-worthy way to deliver said joke Twilight answered. "The Princess is sending a pegasus chariot to pick us up. It should be here soon."

Another snarking opportunity denied. The purple pony was a formidable adversary.

"Just one chariot for all of us?" From what I remembered of the show, the chariots weren't that big. "Won't that be a bit of a tight fit for all eight of us?"

"Seven." Rainbow Dash corrected. "I'm not gonna sit in a chariot when I could be flying. Especially with how slow those things go. If was flying by myself, I could get to Canterlot in ten minutes flat."

"Um, I guess I could fly too, if we need more room in the chariot." Fluttershy hesitantly offered. "That is, if that's okay with everypony. I mean, I wouldn't want to..."

"Whatever you want to do is fine, Fluttershy." Twilight cut the nervous pegasus off. "In any case, I'm sure the princess sent a big enough chariot to carry all of us."

Twilight's confidence in her mentor proved justified when the chariot arrived a few minutes later, when a four pegasi team arrived carrying a chariot that could probably fit a dozen ponies comfortably. Rainbow Dash still opted to fly on her own, but after a minute or so of cajoling Twilight finally managed to convince Fluttershy that it really wouldn't cause any trouble or inconvenience for the rest of us if she rode in the chariot instead of flying.

The flight itself didn't take all that long, and soon our chariot was hanging over the capital of Equestria. I have to admit, it was a pretty impressive sight, especially from this high up. "There's Canterlot." Twilight commented idly.

"Canterlot." Rarity looked down at the city, entranced.

"Canterlot." Pinkie Pie shot a grin at me.

My inner smartass couldn't resist an opening like that. "It's only a model."

Pinkie fell over onto her back and began laughing like a loon, while the rest of Equestria natives just gave me confused looks. Lash, on the other hand, groaned and sent an annoyed glare in my general direction. I gave her the best approximation of a shrug I could manage while being all horsified. No proper smartass can ignore the opportunity to quote Monty Python, it's in the contract.

The other ponies shot several confused glances between Lash, Pinkie, and myself obviously picking up on the fact that they'd missed something. It's so much harder for me to be a smartass when every single pop culture reference I make flies completely over my audience's head.

I have to admit, the royal palace at Canterlot was a pretty impressive sight. Admittedly, I don't have much experience with equine construction, but the sheer size and opulence of the place seemed to appeal to human aesthetic senses just as much as pony ones. Marble and red carpets never go out of style.

Then again, the only royal palace I could really compare it to was Arctis Tor, and Mab's decorating philosophy was way too one-dimensional. Not that I would complain about how Mab decorated her palace anywhere the Winter Queen herself might hear me. Criticizing her interior decorating skills would probably just prompt her to freeze my eyeballs again or something, and finding out what it feels like to have your eyes frozen once is more than enough as far as I'm concerned.

As soon as the chariot touched down Twilight Sparkle was galloping towards the doors, the rest of us following just a bit behind her (except for Rainbow Dash, who apparently thought it was a race and promptly flew over to the door before Twilight got even halfway there). As soon as she got to the doors, Twilight slammed them open a bit roughly with a burst of telekinesis. "Princess! Princess Celestia! We came as fast as we could."

"Thank you Twilight Sparkle. Thank you all." The Princess was waiting for us, and she sounded dead serious. Not a good sign; from what I remembered of the cartoon, she was usually pretty lighthearted.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

"Is this about Mr. Dresden and his friend? Or is it the weather?" Twilight shot a look at Pinkie and I, and then started tossing out more questions one after the other. "Did Mr. Dresden coming here cause the weird weather? Or is it those Denarians he came here to stop? Why couldn't my magic fix everything? I was sure my spell would-"

Celestia raised a single hoof and said her student's name. Twilight stopped talking so fast that you'd think she had gone mute. "Follow me, my little ponies. There are matters of grave importance we must discuss." A second later, the ruler of Equestria shot a glance at Lash and I, then added. "Mr. Dresden, Ms. Lash, I believe you should join us. I suspect the situation we face is directly tied to your own reasons for being in Equestria."

Yup, less than a minute after I'd shown up things were already starting to turn bad. Someday I'll end up in a situation where everything actually goes according to plan instead of taking a nosedive towards disaster. And when that happens, I'll probably just make a disaster out of everything anyway because I'll be so paranoid I won't be able to believe that I might actually be facing a situation where nothing is going to go wrong.

The princess led us through a hallway that looked like an odd mix of palace and church thanks to the impressive stained glass windows. "An old enemy of mine, one I defeated and imprisoned long ago, has escaped from his prison and now poses a serious threat to all of Equestria." Celestia pointed to one of the stained glass windows, which had a picture of a weird critter who looked like a random combination of a dozen different creatures. "His name is Discord, and he is an ancient and powerful being known as a draconequus, who thrives upon chaos and disharmony."

Horse apples. Lash and I exchanged a glance, and even though we couldn't do the whole psychic hotline mind chat now that she wasn't sitting in my brain, I'm pretty sure we were both thinking the same thing. The Denarians were all about spreading chaos, death, and destruction. They show up in Equestria, and just a bit afterwards some ancient sealed evil in a can chaos critter escapes. No way that could be a coincidence.

"Discord ruled over Equestria before Luna and I ended his reign of terror." Celestia continued. "During his rule, Equestria was in a constant state of misery and disharmony. My sister and I both knew something had to be done; everypony would continue to suffer terribly as long as Discord remained in power. When we discovered the Elements of Harmony and learned how to harness their power, we used the Elements to overthrow Discord and put an end to his tyranny. The magic of the Elements of Harmony imprisoned him within a stone statue, and Equestria was free."

"Awesome!" The short story must have really captured Rainbow Dash's attention to prompt an outburst like that. "You rock, Princess Celestia!"

Personally, I was feeling pretty worried by now. At a rough guess, Twilight Sparkle was my equal in terms of raw magical power (though I had a heck of a lot more practical experience, especially in any sort of combat situation). Celestia was supposed to be an order of magnitude above Twilight, and presumably Luna was roughly equal to her sister in power. It had taken both the princesses and the Elements of Harmony to shut Discord down.

No wonder Nicky and his crew decided to mix themselves up in this. The mental arithmetic I was running through to figure out the power levels I was dealing with was incredibly rough, especially since I have no idea how shifting dimensions would affect Discord's abilities. However, if I was right, and assuming Discord made the transition with his power more-or-less intact, then back in the real world Discord would be able to throw down in the big leagues. The Denarians really didn't need a full-fledged god of chaos on their side.

"Do you think the Denarians freed him?" I asked, feeling a bit awkward about interjecting myself into the conversation.

Princess Celestia regarded me for a moment, and shook her head. "No. Discord escaped from his prison because the spell Luna and I cast upon him has weakened over time, especially after Luna's troubles resulted in the Elements of Harmony falling out of tune with her. However, like you, I doubt that their arrival at the same time that Discord gained his freedom is a coincidence."

"No doubt they intend to parley the assistance they offer Discord here in exchange for gaining his aid in their own endeavors." Lash added. Ah yes, the classic 'I'll help you turn your dimension into a festering hellhole, then you help me turn my dimension into a festering hellhole' deal.

"Discord takes great pleasure in causing chaos wherever he goes." Celestia sounded grim. "I doubt your Denarians would even need to offer him anything, he would travel to your realm simply for the malicious joy of destroying it."

Great, so much for hoping the Nickleheads and Discord would have a falling out then. And if chaos and disharmony made him stronger, I'm pretty sure Earth would be like an all-you-can-eat buffet to him. Hay's bells, he wouldn't just be able to change dimensions with his powers intact, he'd probably be stronger on Earth than he is in Equestria.

The group finally got to the massive gold and jewel encrusted doorway at the end of the hallway. "This is the entrance to the Tower of Canterlot. Equestria's most precious treasures are contained within, including the Elements of Harmony." The princess turned to face the six native Equestrians. "You must take up the Elements of Harmony once more, and use their power to stop Discord before he plunges all of Equestria into anarchy.'

"But why us? Twilight asked. "Wouldn't you and Princess Luna be able to -"

"While Luna and I could use the Elements, the two of us were never able to unleash their full potential. No single pony, not even two ponies working together, can draw upon the full power of the magic of friendship." Celestia pointed a hoof at one of the many stained-glass windows.

"Is that us?" Pinkie Pie squealed.

"We're famous heroes?" Rainbow Dash added. "Hay yeah!"

Celestia gave a tiny ghost of a smile at the two fillies before she explained. "I could only use the Elements of Harmony to banish my sister to the moon. When the six of you wielded them, you were able to unleash their full potential and save my sister. I cannot risk allowing Discord to escape once more; the only thing that can seal him away forever is the full power of the Elements of Harmony. Only the six of you can wield that power. You are the only ones who can stop Discord, and save Equestria."

Twilight hesitated for half a second, and then resolutely declared. "Princess Celestia, you can count on us."

"We ain't gonna let you down." Applejack confirmed.

"I'll make that Discord guy wish he'd never stopped being a statue." Rainbow Dash brashly declared.

"Was there ever any question of whether or not we would take up the Elements for the good of Equestria?" Rarity asked.

"Um ... I'll do my best." Fluttershy squeaked nervously.

When Pinkie Pie didn't immediately offer her own confirmation, the other five wielders of the Elements of Harmony turned to look at her expectantly. "What?" Pinkie sounded just a bit defensive. "Come on guys, eternal chaos comes with chocolate rain and cotton candy clouds."

"Pinkie..." Rainbow Dash groaned. "You can't really care more about a couple sweets than you do about the entire fate of Equestria."

"Well, no, but ... Chocolate. Filled. Cotton. Candy." The ponies glared at her some more. "Fine." Pinkie groaned, sitting down on her haunches and crossing forelegs across her chest in an oddly human-like pout. "But there better be a really big party once we're done. And I'm gonna run it. If I'm giving up chocolate cotton candy clouds, I better get to run the party."

Everyone else, myself included gave a slight chuckle at Pinkie's antics. "I'm sure that once you defeat Discord I can arrange for a celebration of satisfactory scale." Celestia assured the petulant pink party pony.

"Yeah." Pinkie perked right up at the idea. "It'll be as big as Grand Galloping Gala, except loads more funner instead of all stupid and boring. And we won't wreck half the palace this time. Probably."

"I'm delighted to hear it." Darn it, now even the princess was stealing smartass material from me. Princess Celestia then turned to face Lash and I. "Mr. Dresden, Ms. Lash, I regret that due to Discord's return I cannot offer you any assistance with your own quest at this time. However, I believe that face a common enemy in Discord and the Order of the Blackened Denarius. Would you be willing to work alongside the bearers of the Elements of Harmony?"

Even if there hadn't been the whole issue of Discord probably planning to pay Earth a visit once he was done with Equestria, I would've signed up. I've never been very good at saying no when the monsters of the world cause trouble for the good and innocent folks out there. Besides, female cartoon ponies in distress were apparently close enough to damsels in distress to trigger my chivalrous instincts. "You have my word, Princess."

"Harry and I have unfinished business with the Order of the Blackened Denarius." Lash added. "If Discord is their ally, then he shall share their doom."

The ruler of Equestria nodded. "Thank you. I will not forget the service you have performed for Equestria this day." That said, the Princess trotted over to the massive sealed door, and inserted her horn into a small opening in the center of the door. With a loud series of clanks and humming magical sounds, the door opened, and the princess brought out a single gem-encrusted chest with her telekinesis.

"Ladies, the Elements of Harmony." Celestia opened the chest, and every other pony let out a gasp of shock. A second later Celestia herself looked into the chest, which promptly fell to the ground when the princess released her telekinesis spell in surprise.

Did I mention that the chest that was supposed to contain the only weapons capable of defeating Discord was empty?

"H-how can this be?" Celestia gasped, sounding frighteningly shaken for a being with such godlike power. "I sealed the Elements in that chamber myself. Nopony should be capable of gaining access to the Elements except me. Not even Luna could break that spell! It's impossible for somepony to just slip past all of my defenses and steal the elements!"

And that's when I heard it. For a moment I thought it must just be an odd draft passing through the castle, but a second later there was no denying what it was. The sound of mocking laughter. I could guess what was coming up next; the bad guy would show up in some sort of unfightable form, and mock us for a bit while crowing about the inevitability of his victory. Seriously, is there some sort of 'How to be a clichéd bad guy' school that teaches every budding baddie all the rules they have to follow and how ham it up like they're in a low budget B-movie?

Too bad Nicodemus never went to that school. He didn't even have the decency to explain his entire plan to me the last time he'd had me beaten and at his mercy. Pretty sure Tessa and Deirdre took a few courses there though.

Eventually the voice that I was assuming belonged to Discord laughed itself out, and moved on to the next part of the script. "Really now Celestia, life would just be so incredibly boring if I limited myself to only doing things that are supposed to be possible."

"Discord!" Celestia snapped. "Show yourself!"

Discord gave a few more mocking chuckles, and then drawled. "Well, since you asked so nicely..." There was a flash of light and a weird honking sound, and then the creature from the stained glass window stood before us in all his mismatched glory. "Really now Celestia, if you'd missed me that much you always could have come by the gardens to visit. It can get rather lonely, being encased in stone." The draconequus's voice turned acidic when he added. "Of course, you wouldn't know anything about that would you, because I don't turn ponies into stone!"

Wow, bitter much?

A moment later, Discord was right back to his light, mocking tone, every trace of anger gone. "You could have at least given me some company instead of leaving me all by myself for so long. Perhaps your sister. I can only imagine how lonely poor Luna must been all those years after you banished her to the moon. You should have turned her into a statue too, and put her in the garden right next to me so we could keep each other company."

"Enough!" Celestia wasn't quite shouting, but her voice had gone up quite a bit. Looks like Discord really knew how to push her buttons. "What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?"

"Oh yes, after all the trouble I've gone to stealing them and hiding them away I'll certainly tell you where to find the only things that might be able to stop just because you asked." Discord almost sounded bored. "You needn't be so worried Celestia, I've only borrowed them for a teensy little while."

Celestia stomped a hoof on the floor. "You'll never get away with this, Discord!"

"Oh yes, I've never heard that before." Discord snapped his talons and there was a couch in the middle of the room. The draconequus lounged back on it, looking utterly unconcerned. "Let me guess, next you plan to say that you will stop me, yes? Ah, I'd forgotten how grim you could be, Celestia. It's really quite boring. You should really just sit back and enjoy the chaos for a bit, it will improve your attitude."

"Hey!" Rainbow Dash shot over and got right into the Draconequus's face. "Nopony insults the Princess!" The pegasus did a quick spin and tried to buck Discord right in the face. Discord snapped his fingers, and suddenly Rainbow Dash was on the other side of the room, kicking through a rather expensive-looking window instead.

Discord gave another snap of his fingers, and suddenly Rainbow Dash didn't have a mouth any more. "Quiet now little one." Discord said mockingly. "Mommy and daddy are busy having grown-up talk."

Celestia's horn flashed, and Rainbow Dash got her mouth back. The Princess took a quick step to the side, placing herself firmly between the rest of us and Discord.

The incarnation of disharmony grinned at the Princess. "Don't worry; I won't do anything too irreparable to your precious little ponies just yet. It would spoil the fun. Now, where were we before I was so rudely interrupted? Ah yes. Your sister, now she knows how to have a good time. Her efforts to bring about the Night that Never Ends were the best entertainment I had in the entire time you had me imprisoned. Perhaps I should be talking to her instead of you, I'm sure she could appreciate what I'm trying to do here."

Celestia pawed at the ground. "Leave my sister out of this."

"Oh, but including her in the conversation makes it all so much more interesting. I wonder, Celestia, did you ever learn the real reason that dear little Luna became Nightmare Moon?"

The Princess' muscles tensed, and I swore the temperature inside the room shot up several degrees. Stars and stones, I knew what Discord's game was now. I'd been on the receiving end of it often enough. Find a chink in your opponent's mental armor, and just hammer away at it until you push them to the breaking point, and they do something very angry and not very bright. All he had to do was keep hammering on the Luna issue, and Celestia's self-control would go right out the window.

"Princess, don't -" Was as far as I got before my throat locked up, and I couldn't say another word. Discord shot a smirk at me over Celestia's shoulder. I tried to get Celestia's attention so she could remove the spell, and got my movement frozen too for my trouble. Pony feathers, I'd been completely shut down.

"I think I'll let you in on the secret." Discord mock-whispered to the Princess. "I did it." When those words left Discord's mouth, the ambient temperature shot up enough to make me start sweating. "Right before the two of you finished sealing me in stone with your precious Elements of Harmony I took a little look inside your sister's mind, and found that wonderful little bit of resentment buried deep down. All I had to do was give it a little push, just a tiny bit of encouragement, and it all fell into place. Madness, my dear Celestia, is just like gravity; all it needs is a little push."

I could practically hear Celestia's teeth grinding together, and by now the room was hot enough that you could probably use it to bake cupcakes. I heard a couple strangled sounds around me, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Twilight Sparkle, looking just as paralyzed as I was. I'm pretty sure Discord had the other ponies taken out of the game too. He didn't want anyone spoiling the coup de grace.

With a grin, Discord looked Celestia right in the eye and very slowly and deliberately said. "Maybe I should visit dear Luna again. I'm sure Nightmare Moon and I could have so much fun together."

Discord's paralysis spell ended, but before I could actually do anything the entire room exploded. The rest of the normal ponies and I all went flying back from Celestia; I bounced off a wall hard enough to sting, but I don't think I took any serious damage. The flash of light and the titanic boom of the explosion were a bigger concern; my eyes and ears had both been completely overloaded.

Lucky for me, one of the advantages of being the Winter Knight was being able to bounce back from taking a bit of damage, and this wasn't exactly the first time in my life I'd gotten tossed around by a big explosion. When my eyes and ears started working again, I was impressed that I'd gotten out of this mess in one piece. It looked like more than half the palace was gone, and there were chunks of rubble lying around that were more than big enough to crush a couple ponies.

Discord was still lounging on his couch, wearing a delighted little smile. Princess Celestia faced him, and ... wow.

I've seen my share of really powerful and really pissed of beings in my time. Celestia was definitely pretty close to the top in terms of raw power, and more than made up the rest by being utterly incandescent with fury. Beings like Mab and Uriel could get plenty angry, especially when I was being my usual charming self, but supernatural beings always had a certain layer of detachment that kept them from hitting the level of pure 'How dare you threaten my family!' rage that Celestia was tapping into now. The explosion that knocked us all back was probably a blessing in disguise, because I'm pretty sure she would've flash-fried the lot of us if we'd been anywhere close to her.

"Temper temper, Celestia." If the sight of the enraged princess intimidated Discord, he didn't show it.

A wave of magical fire slammed into the Draconequus. "YOU. WILL. NOT. HURT. MY. SISTER." The Princess punctuated each word with another blast of fire, and by the time she finished a pretty nice-sized chunk of what was left of the palace was now a brand-new lake of molten stone and fresh-made magma.

For a second I wondered if she'd actually managed to finish Discord off, but then he popped his mismatched head out of the new lava lake, and began casually doing the backstroke. "Really now Celestia, there's no need to work yourself up into such a state. I'm sure Luna will have a wonderful time helping me spread chaos across Equestria."

The next blast of solar flame she unleashed on Discord made her previous attacks look like little candles by comparison. I quickly averted my eyes, and shut them for good measure. I'd learned when I was a little kid that unless you want to permanently ruin your eyes you should never look directly at the sun.

I've been around plenty of powerful beings in my time, but I don't think I'd ever seen one throwing that much raw power around before. The only thing I could think of that was on that scale was the ritual spell I'd unleashed at Chichen Itza, and I had two minute gap in my memory surrounding the moment when I'd unleashed that bit of magic. Celestia wasn't throwing quite that much power around, but it was definitely a close second. I'm not sure if Celestia unleashed all her wrath in just a couple seconds, or if I just blacked out for a bit from the sheer amount of magical energy saturating the area.

Either way, eventually Celestia's magical assault came to an end. When I finally dared to look there was a thick cloud of smoke covering the area, but from what I could see there was an impressive lack of the collateral damage I'd been expecting; even when she's in full-blown rage mode, Celestia still had the presence of mind to protect her subjects. When I get pissed off enough to cut loose, I'm usually not that thoughtful.

The rest of the ponies were staring at Celestia with expressions somewhere between awe and utter terror. I could relate.

Celestia herself was very obviously tapped out. Sweat was streaking down her normally pristine coat, and she was breathing heavily. Looks like even Princess Celestia has her limits.

I heard the unmistakable sound of snapping fingers, and a moment later the smoke hanging over the area cleared. Discord stood there, casual as you please, a pair of ridiculous sunglasses perched on his face. "Thank you Celestia, being turned into a statue for more than a thousand years absolutely ruined my tan."

Not good. Celestia had tossed everything she had at Discord, and it accomplished nothing. No doubt, that had been the draconequus's plan from the beginning; push her into losing her temper and using up all her power in a single direct assault.

"Now, I do have some good news for you, dear Celestia." Celestia tried to launch another attack against Discord, but the spell fizzled out halfway ther. "I won't do anything to your dear little sister. Really now, you should have known better; I would never do something so boring as use the same trick twice. Especially not when I can do something far more interesting, like corrupt you instead."

"You -" Whatever else Celestia was about to say got cut off when Discord snapped his fingers, and he disappeared along with the ruler of Equestria disappeared in a flash of light.

So, no Elements of Harmony, and no Princess. Looks like we're officially in deep horse apples.

But Thou Must!

"THOU MUST RECOVER THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY AND FREE OUR SISTER FROM DISCORD'S FOUL CLUTCHES!"

Oh god, I think my ears were bleeding.

I hadn't known what to expect when the other Princess of Equestria arrived on the scene. I mean, in the cartoon I'd only seen about five seconds of what she was like when she wasn't hopped up on a bunch of Dark Side crack. Sane Luna was definitely ... louder.

"Um, Princess Luna?" Twilight Sparkle seemed to be the only person or pony capable of coherent speech; my ears were still ringing from Luna's first verbal assault. I guess being Celestia's protégé made Twilight a bit more used to dealing with eccentric royalty. "Do you know of any way to find the Princess or the Elements? Right now, we have no idea where she might be, so..."

"THOU MUST FIND THE ELEMENTS AND AID MY SISTER!" The Princess didn't seem to be in the mood to hear any objections. I guess I can't really blame her, considering my track record of going a little crazy when my family is threatened. She didn't want to hear that we had not idea what to do or where to look and needed more information; she wanted to hear that her sister was going to be alright.

"But-" Twilight began.

"THOU MUST!" Somehow, Luna's voice managed to get louder. Seriously, I'm going to be lucky to end up deaf by the time we finish this conversation.

"Okay." Fluttershy was flat on the ground and had both forelegs crossed over her head. The poor thing looked like she was trying to find a way to sink down into the ground and get away from the scary yelling pony. I would've tried to find some way to un-scare her, but I'm pretty sure nothing I could manage would do any good as long Luna kept talking.

Seriously, what's with all the yelling? The outdated language made sense considering the fact that she'd been out of touch with the world for a thousand years, but back when thee and thou were the new hip lingo people still used normal volume levels to say them. Wait ... maybe she had a hearing problem? Heck, Celestia's throwdown with Discord had been loud enough that I still had a bit of ringing in my ears.

On the other hand, maybe that was from Luna's voice.

"PRINCESS. LUNA." I enunciated each word slowly and carefully, to make help the hearing-impaired princess out. "DO. YOU. KNOW. WHERE. DISCORD. MIGHT. HAVE. HIDDEN. THE. ELEMENTS. OF. HARMONY?"

Twilight seemed to have caught on to what I was thinking, and added. "DID. DISCORD. HAVE. A. PALACE. OR. SOME. OTHER. HOME. BEFORE. YOU. AND. PRINCESS. CELESTIA. SEALED. HIM. AWAY? THAT. MIGHT. BE. WHERE. HE'S. WORKING. FROM."

"WHY ART THOU SPEAKING SO STRANGELY TO US?" The Princess demanded.

"Please stop shouting." Fluttershy whimpered.

"WHAT IS EVERYPONY HOLLERIN' FOR?" Applejack asked.

"I HAVE NO IDEA." Rarity shouted back.

"YELLING! WOO!" Pinkie Pie screamed. "I LOVE THE YELLING GAME!"

"Please stop everypony." Fluttershy begged.

"HEY! STOP SHOUTING! IT'S SCARING FLUTTERSHY!" Rainbow Dash shouted louder than everyone else did.

"WHAT?" Twilight yelled back. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER EVERYPONY ELSE."

"I SAID -"

"SILENCE!" Luna's voice was loud enough to make the ground shake, and a dramatic bolt of lightning shot down out of the cloudless sky to emphasize her words. I have to admit, that's a pretty neat trick.

Five ponies and one wizard-turned-pony promptly obeyed, and the ponies all dropped down into the pony equivalent of bows (well, in Fluttershy's case she just kept cowering from all the yelling, but that was close enough to a bow).

Pinkie Pie was the exception. "Ooo, you're good at the yelling game!" The peppy pink party pony pounced playfully upward.

Wait... Why am I thinking in alliteration? Being in cartoon-land is really starting to mess with my brain.

Unaware or uncaring of my continuing descent into toonification, Pinkie Pie continued gleefully bouncing around the princess. "My turn to yell now!"

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath, but before she could deliver another shout Luna slammed a hoof onto the ground hard enough to crack the paving stones, and more lightning bolts shot down from the sky. I guess one of the perks of being an immortal with close to godlike abilities is being able to make sure there's always a dramatic lightning strike to emphasize your points.

Pinkie Pie wilted under the Princess death glare. "On second thought, you win the yelling game."

A long, awkward silence followed, the Princess still looking rather put out with the lot of us, and all the other ponies not exactly sure how to handle just how badly that whole conversation had gone off track.

Lash came to the rescue. "I pray thee, Your Highness, excuse mine companions for their most unacceptable behavior." Lash shot at an acidic look back at the rest of this. "I am sure they meant no deliberate offense, they are simply a collection of prattling addlepated varlets, and cannot help their occasional lapses in decorum, especially in such troubled times as we find ourselves in."

"IN CONSIDERATION OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES, WE SHALL OVERLOOK THE MATTER." Luna was still quite loud, but at least she'd toned the volume down a bit now that she was just speaking to Lash.

I guess being around for as long as Lash had does give one the advantage of having a solid grasp of antiquated linguistics. Compared to ancient Sumerian, Shakespearean English was child's play.

"Hey," Rainbow Dash whispered to the rest of us. "What'd she call us? I never heard of a prattling addlepated varlet before. I don't like it when ponies call me things I don't know the meaning of." Rainbow paused in thought for a moment, and amended. "Well, I guess it's alright if it's cool. Is it something cool?"

"Not now, Rainbow." Twilight whispered back. From the look on the scholar's face, I figured she had stuck her nose into enough old books to know Lash had basically called us a bunch of idiots, and the last thing we needed was for Rainbow Dash to cause another scene with the Princess while Lash was still cleaning up the fallout from our first goof-up.

"Nay, fair Lash." Luna actually had her voice down to an almost normal volume now, at least in comparison to the deafening bellow she'd been using a couple minutes ago. "Discord ne'er established a permanent residence or held any great care for a single location, and we and our sister removed what signs of his reign he left behind after we unleashed power of Harmony upon him."

"Wouldst you have any suggestions on where we might seek the blackguard out, Your Highness?"

"Nay, we fear not." Luna reluctantly answered. "Discord's thoughts are ever unknowable. Thou must seek him out to the best of thine ability. We wouldst take the field at thy side, save that in our sister's absence it falls to us to maintain order. We must act to curb Discord's influence and lessen the damage he might inflict upon our subjects."

"But how are we supposed to find Discord and the Elements of Harmony when we have no idea where to look?" Twilight asked. "They could be anywhere in Equestria, or in the Everfree Forest, or even further away than that!"

"I guess we could always try asking him nicely to tell us where the Elements of Harmony are hidden." The words were out of my mouth before I realized that maybe this wasn't the best time to break out the smartassery. The look Lash shot my way was positively withering.

Before the liberated demon shadow could apologize for my behavior and slip in one or two more Elizabethan insults about my general lack of intelligence and manners, someone spoke up from behind us.

"'Scuse me." The lot of us turned around, and discovered a wall-eyed grey pegasus with a yellow mane that looked vaguely familiar to me. "I brought you a letter." The pegasus declared cheerfully, before shoving her head into her mailbag. A couple seconds later the pegasus's head emerged, a letter clamped firmly in her mouth. "You're Harry Dresden, right?" The letter in her mouth rendered her speech a bit muffled, but I could still understand her without too much trouble.

"Yeah, that's me." By pure instinct, I had a hoof halfway up to take the letter before it clicked in my brain that I didn't have fingers any more. I suppose I could've tried using unicorn mojo to grab the letter telekinetically, but I had no idea how that would work, or even if it would. After a moment's consideration, I followed the pegasus's example and took the letter with my mouth.

A second later, I dropped the letter on the ground at my hooves, and was vaguely annoyed to discover that one of the corners was now a bit slobbery. I guess that's one of the downsides of using your mouth instead of hands. At least it was my own slobber; presumably the mail-pegasus and most of the other ponies had enough experience to avoid covering everything they carried in their mouths with a bunch of drool.

I politely thanked the pegasus for the letter, and with her task completed the mailmare flapped off into the sky. "Derpy!" Rainbow Dash called out after her. Derpy paused in midair, looking at Rainbow inquisitively. "That's the wrong way to go to get back to Ponyville."

"Oh yeah." The wall-eyed pegasus commented absently. "Thanks."

Considering the fact that I'd only been in Equestria for a few hours, I admit I was rather curious about just who had written a letter to me. I was about to open it up and find out when I discovered that I had no idea how the hay was I supposed to open a sealed letter without hands.

I really miss hands. They're so handy. God that was a terrible pun.

For that matter, I'm still a bit annoyed about the loss of Harry Jr.

Lucky for me, after I'd spent a second or two staring at my letter in confusion Rarity caught on to my dilemma. "Allow me." The unicorn broke out her telekinesis, and a second later Rarity had the letter open and floating in front of my face.

"Thank you, Rarity."

"Oh, it's no trouble at all." The designer assured me.

The letter itself was short and to the point:

The Elements of Harmony are at the Ponyville Library, hidden within a book called "The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide."

Discord

Huh. How about that? "It's from Discord. He just told me where the Elements of Harmony are." Everyone stared in shock.

"Well," I said to nobody in particular. "It's not like Discord would just give us back the Elements and Princess Celestia if we asked him to nicely."

"I think there's something written on the back." Rarity spoke up, and flipped the letter around for me.

Afraid not. Good try though.

It's probably a bad sign for the state of my mental health that this particularly turn of events didn't surprised or disturb me all that much.

"Well what're we waiting for?" Rainbow Dash demanded. "Let's go get the Elements back and rescue the princess!"

That got an annoyed groan out of Lash. "Think, little pony. Why would Discord willingly reveal the location of the Elements to us after all the trouble he went to stealing them?"

"Maybe he feels really bad about stealing them, and wants to give them back and apologize." Fluttershy offered. Every other pony turned to face her, various degrees of skepticism clear on their faces. "It - it could happen." The gentle-natured pegasus sounded just a touch defensive.

I broke out my best Admiral Ackbar voice. "It's a trap."

"'Tis." Luna agreed. "However, 'tis also likely that the Elements are present. If it were Discord's intent to deceive and befuddle, his methods would be less obvious."

"And if the Elements are actually there we have to take the bait, even though we know it's a trap." The Elements of Harmony were our only hope of beating Discord. Well, if I went back to my dimension and pulled off the Darkhallow, the boost I got from that combined with all the power I'd gotten from Mab and whatever dirty tricks I could come up with might be enough to make me capable of punching in Discord's weight class. Of course, doing the Darkhallow would also mean killing tens of thousands of people to get that power boost, so it wasn't really an option.

"Pray tell, Your Highness, what trickery might we expect from Discord?" Lash asked the princess.

"We fear we can offer thee little advice, fair Lash." The princess sighed regretfully. "As befits a being of chaos, Discord is difficult to anticipate. All we can say is that thou must beware his skullduggery, and trust no word that leaves his mouth."

"Don't believe anything the evil god of lies and disharmony tells us, check." Despite how basic and common sense that sounds, you'd be surprised how many people fall for that one.

Another thought occurred to me. "If I had to take a guess, the Denarians might be involved in whatever trap Discord's planning. Makes sense to use them for an ambush, especially if he doesn't know I've warned you about them."

Rainbow Dash offered a confident scoff. "How tough can they be? We handled Nightmare Moon." Rainbow shot a sheepish glance at Luna, and mumbled, "Um, no offense, princess."

"None taken. We owe thou our thanks for unleashing the powers of Harmony upon us and stripping us of our dark powers."

"Awesome. Anyway, I figure after that, a couple of chumps who need some coin thingy to be any good in a fight shouldn't be so tough."

"Yeah, but this time you don't have the Elements of Harmony." I pointed out.

"Yeah, well we handled a dragon just find without them."

"You mean Fluttershy handled the dragon." Twilight Sparkle stole another snark line from me. There will be a reckoning for this one day, purple pony.

"It was a group effort." Rainbow Dash shot back a bit weakly. We all shot looks laced with varying degrees of annoyance at the pegasus. "Well, alright, Fluttershy did most of it, but that's beside the point. What's important is that we're all awesome, and if these Nicklehead guys try to stop us from rescuing the Princess, we'll kick their tails in ten seconds flat. Now let's stop wasting time standing around talking, and get down to business!" The other ponies let out a little cheer at the end of Rainbow's short little speech.

I could hardly share Rainbow's confidence in an easy victory, but telling them that the Denarians could probably take them down pretty easily wouldn't exactly be much of a morale booster. Besides, maybe I wasn't giving them enough credit; they might be from a cartoon for little girls, but these ponies did have a pretty good flank-kicking track record.

Princess Luna made arrangements to get us another chariot, and even loaned a few of her royal guard to fly said chariot and offer us some extra muscle, and then we were off to Ponyville. The flight was long enough to give me some time to work over our options and try to come up with some kind of gameplan for the upcoming battle.

Things weren't quite as grim as I'd initially feared. Twilight Sparkle was a magical prodigy with enough raw power to make me wary of throwing down with her, even after the boost I'd gotten from my bargain with Mab. From what I'd seen of the show Rainbow Dash and Applejack should be able to handle themselves in fight; they might not have magic, but they were both really fast and strong. Considering the fact that most of the 'tardbeast Denarians relied of physical combat, having a brawler or two on our side would be a big help. The royal guards we'd gotten from Luna should help there too.

Even the other three ponies that at first glance didn't seem like they'd be able to help much in a fight were looking a bit better now that I thought about it. There'd been an entire episode of the cartoon dedicated to pointing out that Rarity could handle herself in a sticky situation, and Pinkie Pie was just full of surprises. As for Fluttershy - well, I knew from Sanya that you could talk one of the Nickleheads into giving up their coin, and if anyone could pull off a repeat of that, it would be Fluttershy.

Then again, the Denarians fight a heck of a lot dirtier than any of the baddies they're allowed to show in a children's cartoon.

My tactical ruminations came to an abrupt halt when our chariot took a hit from another one of those cotton candy clouds. Rainbow Dash let out a resigned sigh when Pinkie immediately started munching on her again, while all the other ponies cleansed themselves of any sugar as quickly as possible, lest they share Rainbow Dash's fate.

Or at least, all the ponies with decent coordination or a grasp of unicorn magic did so; I just ended up kind of smearing the chocolate-filled cotton candy around my body. I noticed Pinkie Pie watching me out of corner of her eye while she continued to munch on Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie's eating her. And then she's going to eat me. Oh my god.

Lucky for me, Twilight came to the rescue and used her magic to de-sugar me before the crazy pink pony could indulge her cannibalistic urges any further.

The chariot finally got to Ponyville a few minutes later. There'd been a decent amount of activity on the streets when Pinkie brought me in, but now there wasn't a single other pony sight.

"It's quiet." I observed. "Too quiet."

Lash shot an acidic look. "That line was a cliché thousands of years before you were born, Harry." The former Fallen grumbled.

The chariot landed outside the library, and four guard ponies unharnessed themselves. True to form, Rainbow Dash immediately tried to rush right into the Library to kick evil the face. Fortunately, Rainbow Dash's friends knew her quiet well, and before the impulsive pony could rush into battle Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were all holding her back, while Fluttershy offered a very soft, "Wait."

One of the guards spoke up. "We'll take the lead, ladies." The four ponies stepped up to the door, and one slowly tapped his hoof against the ground three times, and then rushed in, with the other three following quickly behind him.

For the next few seconds, the lot of us dimly heard the guards announcing various rooms were clear, until they'd done a quick search of the entire building. "We're clear ladies, you can come in." I vaguely resented the guard's lumping me in with the ladies, since even if I lacked certain necessary parts to prove my gender; I was still a very clearly male pony. I suppose that given the gender imbalance of our group I could overlook it though.

Sure enough, the Ponyville library looked exactly like it had been when we left it. So, if Discord wasn't going for the old 'casually greet you while sitting on the couch.' trick, I guess that means we were due for an overdramatic entrance in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

Just as I'd expected it would, the door suddenly slammed shut behind us, and the entire library echoed with the sound of villainous laughter. There was a bright flash of light, and Discord appeared in his full mismatched glory, accompanied by several dramatic bolts of lightning as his evil laugh hit its crescendo.

God, I love cartoon villains.

The four royal guards swooped in and formed a wall of pony flesh between Discord and us. The Draconequus looked down at the guards, and let out a low chuckle. "Touching, but really now, you can't think that's going to stop me."

Despite how obviously outmatched they were the guards stood their ground. Gotta give them credit, those guys have got some brass balls. Well, they would if they actually had balls.

"Now then," Discord crooned. "I believe you came here looking for this?" Discord snapped the fingers on his lion's paw, and there was a flash of light accompanied by a cartoonish spring sound effect. When the light faded, the book we'd come all the way back to Ponyville to get was in his resting in the talons of his birdlike hand.

"That's my book! Give it back!" Twilight demanded. A purple glow surrounded the book, and it gave a slight twitch in Discord's talons, but Twilight couldn't manage to wrest it out of his grip.

"Now now," Discord chided. "I've already been generous enough to let you know where your precious Elements of Harmony were. Surely you didn't expect me to just give them back to you too."

Oh goody, I bet now it was time for the old 'play my sadistic game where the deck is incredibly stacked against you, and if you win I'll give them back.'

"Here's an idea." Discord announced musingly. "I've just been so bored being trapped in stone for over a thousand years, so we can play a little game, and if you win, I'll give back the Elements of Harmony. I promise." You could practically hear the false sincerity dripping off Discord's words.

Man, I'm good at predicting bad guy clichés. All he needed now was an evil cat to stroke while in the midst of his diabolical plotting. Maybe he could grab Opal for that?

"Now, the first rule of our little game, no interference." Discord snapped his fingers again, and the four royal guards just disappeared. "Those military types just have no sense of humor."

"Yeah, Captain Picard never thought you were funny." Pinkie chirped in randomly.

Everyone else looked confused by that latest Pinkieism, but Lash and I exchanged a quick look. I've always been more of a Star Wars fan, but I knew enough Trek to recognize that name. Now that I thought about it, Discord's voice did sound kind of familiar...

After a second of general confusion, the rest of the ponies just ignored the latest random Pinkieism. "What did you do with those guards?" Twilight demanded.

"Oh, they're still around somewhere." Discord answered casually. "Maybe several different places, I wasn't really keeping track. I'm sure they'll turn up eventually. Or not. In any case, we have far more important things to talk about, like the wonderful little game we're about to play."

"Don't seem like a very fair game if you take away four of the ponies on our side." Applejack snapped.

Discord just stared at Applejack for a moment, and then fell down to the floor laughing like mad. I was halfway tempted to take a shot at him while he was distracted, but if the kind of power Celestia tossed at him couldn't make leave a scratch I doubt any sucker punch I could land would even tickle. Once Discord got over his laughing fit, he finally answered the farmer. "Really now Applejack, what on Equestria ever gave you the idea that I was going to make it a fair game? Perhaps we haven't met. I'm Discord, spirit of chaos and disharmony.

"Now, if you want the Elements and your precious little princess back, you have to play my game, and since it's my game, that means I get to make the rules. If you don't like my rules, you're welcome to drop out and let me keep the Elements. I'm sure after a few years you'll learn to appreciate just how wonderful a bit of chaos really is."

"Fine." Twilight growled. "We'll play your game Discord."

"Glorious." Discord chuckled. "I knew I could count on you, Twilight Sparkle. Always so proper and dutiful, and so very, very devoted to your precious mentor. Do you ever wonder what would happen if you failed her? Are you ever afraid that you're just one late Friendship Report away from no longer being her 'Faithful Student?'"

From the way Twilight flinched, Discord must have hit a nerve. I wasn't about to let him start playing his mind games on the ponies. "Hey, plot-face!" Hah! Take that, cartoon swearing filter! Sure, it wasn't my best insult but I've used worse. "How about you quit wasting our time and just get to down to business already?"

As I'd hoped, I'd gotten Discord's attention and distracted him from psyching out the ponies. "Ah, yes, Harry Dresden, the wizard from Earth." Discord let out a low chuckle. "Oh, I have no idea where I should even start with you. You're quite right though, pleasure before business, and all that. Now, on to the rules of the game.

"I'm sure you already know the first rule of our little game; no outside interference. The eight of you -" Discord paused, and shot a deliberate glance at Lash. "Ah, I mean, the seven-and-a-half of you are the only ones allowed to play, aside from my little helpers, of course. You bring in anyone else, and the game is over and I win.

"The second rule is that everyone has to play. I know some of you, like poor, helpless little Fluttershy can't actually pull their weight, but the game just wouldn't be any fun if I let one of two ponies steal all the glory. Everyone needs to do their fair share and keep playing until the game is over.

"Oh yes, and one final rule, no attacking the audience. That would be me; you'll be playing against some new friends of mine. I'm sure Harry and Lash have told you all about them."

Discord gave one final snap of his fingers, and a bunch of new ponies warped into the library, accompanied by a few more dramatic bolts of lightning. At the head of this little group was a pony with a midnight black coat and a grey mane. For a second I thought the pony didn't have any cutie mark, but then noticed the cluster of writhing shadows on the pony's flank, which someone how managed to be an even darker shade of light-extinguishing black than the rest of his coat.

"Harry Dresden." That all-too-familiar cultured British voice issued from the pony's mouth. "Despite the rather irregular circumstances, it's such a pleasure to see you again."

Looks like Nicky and the Nickleheads had finally come out to play.

The Epic Battle of Epicness

So there I was, facing off against some of the most powerful and all-around nasty beings I had ever had the misfortune of encountering. I couldn't help but stare at Nicodemus Archleone and the Order of the Blackened Denarius, resplendent in all their ponified glory.

And then I started laughing my ass off.

I mean, here were some of the biggest, nastiest demons in the known universe, and they were running around as cute little cartoon ponies. Hay's bells, Deirdre, Nicodemus's daughter, was a very girly shade of hot pink, which looked especially odd considering her bloody medusa-head cutie mark.

A quick look over the other demonhost ponies told me something interesting; all the rest of them had demonic sigils for their marks, instead of something a bit more unique. I'm hardly an expert on that kind of thing, but from Nicky told me (not exactly the most reliable of sources, but take you can get), that meant the other Denarians had their Fallen in the driver's seat. I wasn't going to complain about that. The Denarians couldn't really use as much of their power if the demon had to brute-force its way into controlling an unwilling host. There’s a reason I called those Denarians derp-beasts (well, I called them something different when I wasn’t being censored). Nicky had us outnumbered ten to eight, not to mention Discord. I'd take every advantage I could get.

I gave the cannon fodder a look-over, searching for any familiar faces ... sigils ... whatever. I didn't like what I saw. Judging by the sharp intake of breath I heard from Lash, neither did she.

The first of the demonic sigils I recognized plastered on the side of a particularly shaggy pony would've been impossible for me to miss. After all, it was literally impossible to forget my encounter with that particular demon and its mark. On top of being the first Denarian I'd ever had a run-in with, I'd soul-gazed his host, and when you look into another being's soul, it tends to stick with you. "Ursiel."

A bright green pony with cold, reptilian eyes. After the demon's last host tried to pull the old fake surrender on us and gave up his coin, I'd left said host half-crippled on a hotel room floor. A couple years later, the host had tracked me down, and tried to kill me. Obviously, he'd failed. "Saluriel."

Then I saw what had to be the biggest pony ever, aside from Celestia and Luna. He might not have been quite as big as the rulers of Equestria, but he made up for it by being a hundred times as ugly. Even without the sigil, I could've figured out who I was dealing with. "Magog."

One thing all three of those demons had in common; their coins were supposed to be in some highly secured Church storehouse instead of in Nicky's hands. Looks like somebody had gone and raided the vault since the last time I'd seen him. With all the chaos going on back on Earth, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.

On the other hand, maybe the coins had just slipped out on their own. From my own experience, I knew they could be kind of like the One Ring; despite theoretically being inanimate objects, they had a real knack for finding their way into the hands of the weak-willed and corruptible.

Presumably, the other four Denarians had been in storage the last couple of times I'd had a run-in with the Nickleheads. That brought me to the last of the group, who was currently glaring daggers at Lash. By all indications, the feeling was entirely mutual. Just to drive the point home, they even had opposite color schemes; Lash’s white and yellow to her black and purple. I recognized the sigil just fine; I'd had it burned into my left hand for about three years, after all. "Lasciel."

"Dresden. And the traitor." Lasciel tapped a hoof on the ground a few times, alternating her gaze between the two of us. "Such a dilemma I face; I really can't decide which one of you I should kill first."

"Oh, another ancient being of incredible power wants to kill me, never had that happen before. You guys should form a club or something."

"You will kill neither of us." Lash hissed. "Because I am going to destroy you." I don't think I'd ever heard her sound quite so hateful before. Looks like one of the side effects of gaining free will is getting a bit more in touch with all those wonderful human emotions Like homicidal rage.

"You forget your place, shadow." Lasciel snapped back at her better half. "You are but a tiny fragment of my power, created to perform a simple task, at which you failed utterly. You are nothing without me."

That got a flinch out of Lash. Considering the fact that she’d started off as a little broken off piece of Lasciel, it figured that she would have a few identity issues when it came to her creator. If we both get out of this with our lives and sanity intact, I might want to look into helping her deal with that.

"Now then." Discord announced. With a snap of his talons, the library transformed into something that looked like it had come straight out of a gladiator movie. "The rules of the game are quite simple; the last team standing wins."

"And here I was expecting it would be a great big chess game."

"I'll keep that in mind if we need of a tiebreaker." Discord offered. "Now, are we ready to begin?"

"Wait." Twilight objected. "The Denarians have known about the game for longer than we have, and knew who their opponents would be. They have an unfair advantage."

"Oh?" Discord folded his mismatched paws, and gazed at Twilight with a hint of curiosity. "Do explain why I should care that I'm not playing fair."

I saw my opening, and took it. "Watching us lose in less than a minute wouldn't be very entertaining. It'll be more fun to watch the fight if we have a few minutes to come up with a plan and can actually put up a decent fight."

"Interesting." From his tone it sounded like I'd actually gotten his attention with that argument, and I heard a few grumbles from the Denarian ranks. Maybe I'd actually managed to drive a bit of a wedge between the two sets of baddies we were facing. Discord turned to face the leader of the Nickleheads. "Nicodemus?"

If our little ploy had upset Nicky's plans, he didn't show it. "I have no objection to giving them a few minutes to contemplate their situation."

"Very well then ponies, you have five minutes to make your strategy, starting ... now." Discord conjured up an hourglass, or rather, a five-minute glass, and turned it over.

The ponies and I all huddled up, and I gave them a quick run-down of what the Nickleheads could do. "Nicodemus uses his shadow to attack, so keep a watch out for it. Deirdre, the pink one with the medusa head mark, can turn her hair into razor sharp blades. They're the two most dangerous ones, so I'm probably going to have to focus on dealing with them. The rest of them are still at less than full power, right Lash?"

"Yes. None of those coins were in his hands a few years ago; their hosts are likely new and relatively untested. Quite possibly just disposable placeholders while Nicodemus cultivates new hosts to add to his ranks."

"So, on to the rest of them. Big and ugly is Magog. He's not that bright, and all he really does is direct physical attacks, but he's big enough to make them hurt. Ursiel's the same, except he’s not quite as big and bit more agile. Saluriel, the green one, has a thing for snake magic."

"Lasciel is fond of illusions." Lash added. "I will act to counter her." Lash pointed to a bright blue unicorn. "Of the others, Ramiel has some talent for magic, particularly lightning." Lash's hoof shifted to a dark purple female. "Exael specializes in mental manipulation." Next up was the bright yellow demon pony. "Prziel is a fast and agile physical fighter." Finally, Lash indicated the blood red one. "Tephros likes to combine fire and smoke."

Having an ex-Denarian around was proving to be all kinds handy. "So, here's what I'm thinking. Even if I can keep Deirdre and Nicodemus tied up, that still leaves them at eight to our seven. So, I'm going to hit them hard and fast as soon as we start, and try to catch them off guard and do some damage. Everyone else, help out."

I didn't like any of the ponies’ odds of being able to stand up to two Denarians at once, so the first thing we needed to do was even the odds. Actually, considering the less than certain fighting prowess of some of the ponies, I'd really rather have the odds balanced so that some of the ponies could double up against Nickleheads.

"I'm sorry, but I - I don't know if I can fight other ponies." Fluttershy whimpered. The poor thing looked terrified. "But - but I know everypony else is counting on me so - so I'll try." The other ponies whispered a quick bit of encouragement to timid pegasus.

I was about to get into the specifics of our strategy when Discord interrupted. "Time's up. Actually, you have another minute left, but I'm tired of just standing here while all you ponies talk and talk instead of doing anything. I'm losing valuable chaos-wreaking time here, so on with the show!"

“One last thing.” I hastily warned them all. “When you beat them, they might drop a coin. Don’t touch it; it’ll give the demon working through that coin a conduit to you.”

We broke our little strategy session, and lined up to face the Denarians. "Is everypony ready?" Discord asked, sounding considerably more excited now. Fluttershy let out a frightened squeak, and most of the other ponies were looking a bit nervous now that we were down to the actual fight, but everyone held the line. "Then let the games begin!"

Just as planned, I cut loose as soon as the fight started, with my favorite one-two punch of attack spells. "Infriga! Fuego!" Contrary to what one would think, ice and fire magic complement each other nicely. Fire is all about adding heat, and ice is all about taking it away, so you can save a lot of effort by using all that heat you took away to create an ice spell as the fuel for a fireball.

"Forzare!" I couldn't help but give a twitch when Lash used one of my other favorite spells. I suppose I shouldn't have been all that surprised considering the fact that she'd lived in my brain for years and even had a chunk of my soul, but it still bugged me slightly to see someone else using one of my spells.

Twilight and Rarity added to the spellfire, using their telekinetic tricks to hurl just about everything they could at the Denarians. Compared to the proper combat magic Lash and I were using it wasn't much, but any help is good.

Before I had a chance to figure out how much damage, if any, we'd actually inflicted, the Nickleheads were on us.

I ducked down as several strands of Deirdre's elongated and razor-sharp mane shot over my head. While I was pressed down against the ground, I saw a giant cobra slithering across the ground towards me, and barely managed to roll out of the way before it could bite me right in the eye. As it was, I felt the fangs graze over my muzzle, and after the snakebite came a warm tingling sensation that was almost certainly not a good sign.

Looks like Saluriel had a bit of a grudge against me, just like his host. Can’t imagine why; Sally was hiding safe in his coin when I started beating the pony feathers out of his host.

Saluriel and Deirdre were playing it a lot more tactical than I'd expected. After their effort at getting a quick kill on me failed, the two of them went for a nasty series of coordinated attacks that kept me way too busy dodging to get a shot of my own in. Deirdre's hair was tricky enough to dodge when I didn't have to deal with Saluriel plugging every single gap I could dodge through with more of his nasty little snakes. I hadn't taken a serious hit yet, but that was as much thanks to luck as any skill on my part. The fact that all my combat reflexes and instincts still worked on the general assumption that I had human anatomy wasn't helping things.

To make matters worse, the two of them were herding me away from my allies. The Nickleheads had figured out the same thing I already knew; the ponies needed my help to win this fight. Deirdre and Saluriel didn't need to kill me, just keep me tied up long enough to let the other Nickleheads finish the job.

And since Nicodemus was free to engage the ponies, that wouldn't take very long. I needed to change the dynamics of my situation, and I needed to do it now.

Saluriel and Deirdre were keeping me under too much pressure to do any serious spellcasting, but I could still do little stuff. Like, say, nudge some Deirdre's hair out of position so it sliced up those snakes instead of me.

Before I could put my plan into action I got just a bit distracted by the sound of a huge explosion off to my side. Something moving very fast slammed into Saluriel, and the Fallen went flying away until he smashed into the side of our little arena. He didn't get back up.

Judging by the streamers and confetti that now coated the downed Denarian, I had a pretty good idea who’d just helped me out of that tight spot. "Thanks Pinkie Pie."

"That's why I never leave home without my party cannon!" The pony in question declared, standing proudly next to her cannon. I would've commented on the fact that I'd never seen her carry her party cannon around before, but that would involve applying far too much logic to ball of manic insanity that was Pinkie Pie. Just accept that she carried her party cannon everywhere, even if I'd never seen it before, and move on.

Besides, I couldn't really complain about her casual disregard for physics when Pinkie had just knocked one of the Nickleheads out of the fight.

Now that I didn't have to deal with Deirdre and Saluriel locking me down, I could actually take a moment to check out the situation. Not that I could afford to completely ignore Deirdre, but I'd learned how to split my attention between focusing on the enemy in front of me and keeping an eye on the rest of the battlefield. Focusing too much on any one opponent leaves you open to getting flanked or backstabbed, and that’s really bad news.

Things were going a heck of a lot better than I'd expected; it looked like the ponies were actually managing to hold their own so far. Twilight was up against Ramiel, the lightning user. So far, it looked like she was focusing on defense, teleporting away whenever Ramiel attacked and letting his lightning bolts go flying past her. Probably a smart move; those thunderbolts looked like they would hurt if they connected.

Applejack was up against big stupid ugly Magog. The demon had a size advantage, but Applejack packed plenty of power onto her smaller frame, and was a lot more agile. If Magog really got going she wouldn't be able to stop him, but so far it looked like she was doing a good job of keeping him from building up any momentum. Maybe the fact that her brother, Big Macintosh, was about Magog-sized gave Applejack a bit of an edge when it came to dealing with big and ugly. Spending a couple years out on my mentor Ebenezar’s farm gave me a passing familiarity with farm girls, and odds were this wasn’t her first rodeo.

Rainbow Dash was up against Prziel. The Denarian had grown giant wings of bone out of his sides, and the two had taken their fight into the air. Rainbow was literally flying circles around the Nicklehead, but Prziel's wings were a lot bigger, and the tips of those bones looked sharp. Rainbow took a nasty hit when Prziel buffeted her with his wings but, in classic Rainbow Dash fashion, a second later she was back in the fight and hitting him back twice as hard.

The most surprising one was Fluttershy's fight with Ursiel. Well, maybe fight was the wrong for it. Ursiel was certainly trying to fight, but he seemed to be a bit off of his game, probably because Fluttershy was busily chewing him out. I couldn't help but remember what I'd seen of Ursiel's last host, a guy by the name of Rasmussen who'd wound up getting in way over his head and found himself dragged into the whole thing unwillingly. Maybe Fluttershy could actually get through to whoever Ursiel had taken over and get him to give up the coin?

Out of all the ponies, Rarity seemed to be the worst-off of the lot. Exael's eyes were glowing with a sickly yellow light, and the fashion pony was steadily backing away from him. Mind magic was nasty business. Molly, my former apprentice, had a real knack for it, and that had gotten her into all sorts of trouble. The fact that Rarity was still resisting at all was pretty darn impressive.

I couldn't see a single hair of Lash and Lasciel, but there was a fairly big chunk of the battlefield covered in mist, fire, and flashing lights. Wasn't hard to guess where the two illusion specialists were having their face-off.

One bit of good news, the Denarian Lash had ID'd as Tephros seemed to have gone down in our initial blitz-nuking of the Nickleheads. Not sure, if it had been me, Lash, or one of the ponies who actually nailed him, but I'd take what I could get. Even better, Nicodemus seemed to have been stunned and wasn’t participating in the fight either.

In Nicky's case, it was definitely temporary, assuming he wasn’t just faking it to begin with; emptying an entire clip of pistol ammo into him had only mildly annoyed the guy, and that was mostly just because it interrupted his pre-battle banter. From everything I knew, the only way to put him down for good was to choke him to death with that noose he wore as a necktie, which was going to be just about impossible to manage when I didn't have hands.

Still, even having Nicodemus be out of the fight for a minute was huge, and if he was plotting something I couldn’t do much about it while Deirdre was keeping me busy. For that matter, he might just be playing at having a moment of weakness to draw me into a trap when I ran in to try to finish him off. Running right up next to him to try and find some way to tighten his noose would give him a couple dozen ways to kill me in the time it would take me to blink.

Lucky for me, Nicodemus’ daughter didn’t inherit his subtlety gene. “Hey Deirdre, does your dear old dad really think I’d fall for a possum play? That trick was old back when he still kept his coin in a piggybank.” Demon-pony-medusa-girl snarled at me and tried to rip my head off. Looks like I’d hit the mark.

So, as soon as I had Deirdre down I'd bail out Rarity, and then see about keeping Nicodemus from getting back into the fight. Deirdre was all kinds of nasty, but she didn't have her father's brains, and most of the times I'd faced off against her I had come out on top, and unlike with Nicodemus I hadn't needed any help from the Knights of the Cross to pull off a win. Plus, thanks to my bargain with Mab, I'd also gotten a lot stronger since the last time I'd tangled with her.

Deirdre sent her razor-mane at me again, but now that I didn't have to worry about Saluriel flanking me with his little snake buddies I could block her with a shield. I was a bit surprised when my shield came up exactly the way it did when I used my shield bracelet. I guess it made sense though; the unicorn horn was supposed to serve as a focus for all my magic tools.

That's when a very interesting idea occurred to me. Up until now, I'd just been thinking of my horn as the equivalent of a staff or a blasting rod, when it was actually every single one of my magical foci. That gave me a few new options. It took a moment to wrap my mind around the mental gymnastics of how to trigger my force rings when they were a part of my horn instead of on my hands where they normally belonged, but I've always been good at adapting.

Taking a hit from one of my force rings was like a sledgehammer to the guts. The full force of all of them at once should be enough to put medusa-head down for the count.

Except it didn't. Instead, the blast of force went right through Deirdre, as if she wasn't there at all.

"Oh horse apples." A quick blast of magic dispelled the illusion. Lash had warned me that Lasciel had a knack for them, and I knew it myself from living with Lash in my brain, not to mention that I knew the demon really had it out for me. They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and when you're dealing with a demon woman who actually lives in hell...

I guess I'd been expecting Lash to be able to counter any illusions Lasciel tried. Speaking of Lash, something roughly pony-sized slammed into my side, from the area where Lash and Lasciel had been having their little showdown. A moment later the illusionary fog shrouding the area lifted, and I saw Lasciel and real Deirdre. Looks like Lasciel was just as much of a pragmatist as Lash when it came to cheating during their little showdown.

The two Denarians had thoroughly battered Lash. She wasn't moving, I couldn't even tell if she was breathing. For a moment I was surprised there wasn't any blood, until I remembered this was a kid's show. The scuff marks covering her body and the fact that she was out cold got the message across anyway. Seeing Lash in this state made me just a bit peeved.

Lasciel just smirked triumphantly at me. "The traitor is dead. Now it's your turn Dresden, and this time Uriel isn't here to save you."

Normally I'm big on chivalry, but Lasciel had just crossed the line big time. "Oh it is on, you witch!" Hey, just one letter off from the word I'd actually meant to say. "Fuego!" Oh, that was not nearly enough fire for how pissed off I was right now. "Pyrofuego!" That's better, but still not quite enough fire. "Burn!"

A column of blue-white soulfire-enhanced flame that was actually hot enough to rival the magic I'd seen Celestia slinging in her fight with Discord shot out of my horn towards Lasciel. When it hit the demon pony she went flying back, shrieking at the top of her lungs, and the backwash of heat from my blast was enough to dry out my eyes and burn up my nose hairs.

All that was left of Lasciel was a white pony-shaped outline against the walls of Discord's arena, and a single silver coin resting in a small pile of ash.

That was a good start, but I wasn't nearly done yet. Deirdre was next; she'd helped Lasciel take Lash down. I turned to flash-fry Nicky's little girl and saw something that stunned me bad enough to forget about killing Deirdre.

Lasciel was standing right where Deirdre had been, still wearing that mocking little smirk on her face. It only took me a second to put it all together; she'd gotten me with those illusions of hers again. "You swapped with Deirdre." Lasciel gave a slight little bow of acknowledgement. "Nicodemus is going to be pissed when he founds out you just got his little girl killed."

"I am not Anduriel's dog." The Fallen shot back coolly. "The disapproval of his host is not among my concerns."

I shrugged, not all that surprised by her reaction. Demons aren’t exactly nice, even to each other. Besides, I wasn't planning to leave Lasciel alive long enough to need to worry about the fact that she'd just used Nicky's daughter as a demon shield anyway. "Infriga! Fuego!" My spells shot right through her. Another illusion.

A second later, something hammered into my side, sending me staggering to the side. When I turned, I saw Lasciel there once more. Or rather, a dozen or so copies of the demon-pony.

These illusions were really starting to get on my nerves.

I have a decent amount of experience against illusions, since my apprentice Molly had been a real specialist in using them. Normally, the White Council doesn't set much stock in illusion work. After all, any wizard worthy of the name has the Sight, the ability to open their metaphorical third eye and see things as they really are, It's a neat trick, and among other things it can cut through illusions like a hot knife through butter.

The problem was that you couldn't really control what you would see when you used the Sight. I'd seen some very nasty things in my time, and when I say nasty I don't mean icky and gross, I mean sanity blasting. I'd never gotten a look at one of Denarians with my Sight, and I was probably better off keeping it that way. Not to mention what might happen if I used the Sight on Discord. A godlike being of pure chaos and disharmony sounds like exactly the sort of thing that would rip my feeble little mortal mind to shreds.

Another hit from Lasciel's magic reminded me that the Fallen had another edge over Molly in the illusions department. Molly had never really gotten all that great at combat magic; she knew the basics, but she just didn't have the raw power or temperament to get into the sorts of magical slugging matches I dealt with all the time. Her illusions were great, but they were just about the only weapon in her arsenal.

Lasciel had more versatility. Another blast of her magic dissipating on my shield made that all too clear. At a guess, maybe one out of every ten attacks she was tossing my way was the real thing, but without any way to tell which spells were fakes I had to dodge or block everything. I could always toss the dice and gamble on a spell being one of her fakes, but my luck has always been kind of, well, less than great.

From what little I could see in the moments I could spare worrying about anything other than the very angry demon trying very hard to kill me again, the rest of the ponies weren't doing so hot either. Exael looked to be close to breaking Rarity in whatever mental contest of will they were having, Twilight was still just dodging Ramiel without getting a chance to hit back, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash were both looking worse for the wear from their brawls with Nicky's two best physical fighters. And Fluttershy...

Wait, was she hugging Ursiel? And was Ursiel crying? Right, if we all get out of this one piece, I'm bringing her along whenever I need to do diplomacy from now on.

Pinkie didn't have anyone fighting her at the moment, but instead seemed to be busy reloading her Party Cannon. A bunch of streamers and confetti sounded like just the thing for messing with Lasciel's illusions. With illusion work, the more variables you had to keep track of, the harder it was to maintain, and accounting for the disruption caused by every single bit of party paraphernalia Pinkie Pie could shoot out of that cannon would overload even someone with Lasciel's skill. "Hey Pinkie, how long does it take to reload your Party Cannon?"

"Five hours." Pinkie chirped back, sounding cheerfully oblivious to the fact that I was fighting for my life at the moment. "Well, four hours, fifty-eight minutes, and seventeen seconds now, 'cause I started reloading it a bit ago and - EEP!"

That didn't sound good, but before I could figure out what had happened Lasciel starting hitting my defense twice as hard as she had been before, and I couldn't spare any attention to figure out what had just happened to the party pony. I really hope that wasn't some sign that Nicodemus had finally gotten around to joining the fray. By this point I was pretty sure he'd been playing possum and was just waiting for the right time to strike, and between the fact that his daughter had just gone down and Pinkie wasn’t fighting anyone it was a good time for him to strike.

Not that I could do anything about it with Lasciel the Hell-witch after me. In a way going up against her was scarier than any other Fallen I'd faced. Sure, Nicodemus was a much bigger powerhouse, and there were plenty of other big nasties who'd probably kill me if I gave them a good chance to, but Nicodemus didn't really want me dead beyond a vague desire to make me stop messing up his schemes. Heck, he'd tried more than once to recruit me, and generally made it clear that he held no particular malice towards me as long as I wasn't getting in his way.

Lasciel, on the other hand, wanted me dead. And not in the general psychopath kill-everyone way that most of the Nickleheads did. Hay, I knew she didn't even get along all that well with Nicky, but she'd probably signed up with his crew just to get a chance to take a crack at me. That sheer level of personalized malice was something I hadn't had to deal with out of a demon before, and I've got to admit, knowing that there's a couple-billions years old that specifically wants me dead and would stop at nothing to kill me was pants-horse-applingly terrifying.

After all, if not for the fact that the God Squad would hit her like a ton of bricks if she actually broke the rules of heaven and hell by coming after me directly instead of working through her coin, Lasciel could blast me into tiny little pieces. Along with whatever planet I happened to be on at the time.

Playing defense against her wasn't an option. Time wasn't on my side here, and judging by all my experience in fighting them, the Nickleheads didn't need to worry about petty little things like getting tired or burning themselves out by slinging too much magic around at once. I needed to go on the offensive.

That would be a hay of a lot easier if I had any idea where the real Lasciel had hidden herself among all the fake ones.

That's when I had an idea.

I knew from experience with Molly that mixing yourself up among all your doubles was a bad move. It made it harder to control them, and against someone like me, it was only a matter of time before I did something along my usual line of thought like throwing out big kaboom spells that just hit every single Lasciel at once. No, the real one had probably hidden herself under a veil somewhere else, where she had a nice clear view of battlefield.

If I was Lasciel, and I was fighting against Harry Dresden, where I would I hide? Easy answer; the one place he wouldn't throw any of his big nasty killy spells.

I whipped my horn around to where Lash had fallen. "Infriga!"

The illusionary Lasciels poofed away, and a moment later the real one shimmered into existence, standing right above Lash and encased in solid ice all the way up to her withers. I love it when I actually manage to get one right.

I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.

"You picked the wrong guy to mess with, Lasciel. Even when you kill me, I just won't die."

Lasciel snarled out a word in what sounded like ancient Sumerian, and the ice encasing her melted. "You have not won, Dresden."

"Actually, I have." I answered confidently. "Turns out you forgot something really important."

"By all means, enlighten me."

"You forgot that we're in a children's cartoon."

Lash took that as her cue to pull a quick spin on the ground, and slam both her hind legs right into Lasciel's jaw. That looked like it hurt. Apparently, while blood was out, chipped and broken teeth were fine with the moral guardians.

Then again, I should probably thank all those soccer moms worried about evil television traumatizing their innocent little babies. “Word to the not-so-wise, Lasciel. Learn the three rules of Saturday Morning Cartoons: the good guys never die, the bad guys always lose, and there’s no problem that can’t be solved in half an hour, counting commercial breaks. Seriously, you’ve been around for how many billions of years, and you don’t even know that?”

Lash let out a quick snort of laughter. I think my sense of humor must have rubbed off on her at some point. “Doing alright Lash?"

Lash slowly picked herself up off the ground, moving slowly enough to make it clear she wasn't doing so hot, even if she was still alive. Lash looked down at Lasciel's knocked-out pony body, and gave her a couple more kicks in the head for good measure. "Never better."

I was about to jump into the fray and finally do something about the mental hammering Rarity was taking from Exael, when I got beaten to the punch. Twilight had spent the entire fight jumping around the battlefield and blinking away whenever Ramiel got close to hitting her. Spending that much time missing was really starting to get on the Fallen’s nerves, and like a lot of people do, when he got mad he got sloppy and eventually made a basic mistake.

He forgot to check his line of fire before he tossed out another one of his lightning bolts.

Twilight teleported away once more, and this time instead of slamming into one of the arena walls Ramiel's lightning bolt took Exael right in the back. The Fallen went down hard, and Rarity was free.

Then Ramiel goofed again, and tried to fix his mistake by going after Rarity. The white unicorn didn't have Twilight teleporting tricks. She couldn't dodge a lightning bolt. She didn't need to.

Half a dozen gems shot up out of the ground, one floating right in front of Rarity's face in time to intercept Ramiel attack. The lightning bolt bounced off the first gem to hit the second, and ping-ponged between all the other gems before finally returning to sender. Ramiel didn't enjoy getting a taste of his own medicine.

Looks like Ramiel was, to borrow an expression I'd picked up from Billy and the Alphas at one of our gaming sessions, ‘a team-killing noob.’ Demons just can't get good help these days.

That still left Magog and Prziel in the field. I didn't see any sign of Rainbow Dash and her opponent, but Applejack was still slugging it out with big ugly. I was about to step in when I figured out what the ponies were planning. "Hey, big, ugly, and stupid!" Unsurprisingly, Magog looked up at me when I said that. "What's faster than a speeding bullet and 20% cooler than a locomotive?"

Magog learned the answer to that question half a second later when Rainbow Dash power-dived right into his spine hard enough to leave a rainbow-colored mushroom cloud. If this hadn't been a kid's show, little bits Magog-gore would probably now be covering everything within a couple miles of us, but instead we just had a thoroughly busted-up Magog lying in in the crater Dash just created.

Prziel came flying a couple seconds behind Rainbow, just in time to see me, Lash, Twilight, and Rarity all prepping spells for him. I don't think I've ever heard a Denarian squeak in terror before. Not that he had much time to do that before the four of us hammered him out of the fight.

A quick scan of the battlefield revealed no Denarians left standing, except for a considerably less dangerous-looking pony I assumed had once been Ursiel hiding in the corner. I couldn't quite believe we'd pulled it off. There was just one little problem.

Nicodemus was nowhere to be seen. On top of that, Pinkie Pie was still down and, she wasn't getting back up.

As nasty as it had been going up against his footsoldiers, Nicky himself was going to ten times worse. Especially since the only reason I could imagine he'd sat the whole fight out was because he was prepping some sort of really nasty surprise that was due to hit us right about now.

With no obvious threats around at the moment, the other ponies had all clustered around Pinkie Pie, trying to figure out what had happened to their friend. "Keep your eyes open." I warned the ponies. We're not done yet."

I trotted over to Pinkie, keeping a constant eye out for Nicky. The ponies had done good, but I wasn't going to have much luck keeping them focused while they were all worried about their friend. Once I was close enough to see what was wrong with her, my blood froze.

There was a single tarnished silver coin pressed against the comatose pony's side, with a tiny little tendril of shadow holding it in place.

I had my mouth halfway open to shout a warning when Lash tackled me. From my new perspective on the ground, I saw a single Blackened Denarius with an all too familiar sigil whipping past where I’d been standing a second ago, scooting along over the ground on a thin tendril of shadow.

Hay's bells, I should have put it together sooner. Lash had practically spelled it out for me before the fight even started. Aside from Deirdre and Nicodemus, all the Nickleheads were just using whoever they could grab to tide them over and give them a connection to the fleshy world until Nicodemus got the hosts he really wanted.

Us.

A quick force spell sent Lasciel’s coin flying away. “Look out for the coins!” I warned the ponies. “He’s using the shadows to try and hit you us with the coins!”

By the time I’d figured out Nicky’s game and gotten the warning out it was already too late. Twilight and Applejack were already down, and Rarity only got the warning in time to see the coin right before it hit her. Fluttershy managed a single flap of her wings before two more shadow tendril grabbed by the legs, and then there was no escaping. Rainbow Dash might have been able to stay away from the shadows since she was already flying when I’d yelled out the warning, but instead of seeing to her own safety Rainbow flew in and tried to knock the coin off Pinkie Pie. She was still trying when Nicky’s shadows got her.

From everything I understood about the rules of things, the demons working through those coins couldn't force the ponies to be join team evil just by touching them. It looked like the Fallen could at least manage to temporarily knock them out of the fight though, and after what had happened with Ivy I knew Nicodemus had plenty of ways to 'persuade' someone to take up one of the coins on a more permenant basis.

Nicodemus stepped out of a small, innocuous patch of shadow I hadn't even noticed before, looking entirely too pleased with himself. "Now then Dresden, I believe this is the part where we discuss terms of surrender."

"Surrender? Sure thing.” Nicodemus must be way too used to dealing with me, since instead of looking hopeful when I said that he just sighed and rolled his eyes. “If you hand over all the coins, including your own, and let the ponies go and I'll let you walk away. Tell me where to find Tessa and her crew and I might even put off hunting you down until I’ve dealt with her."

"You really are so delightfully insolent when you're terrified, Dresden." I hate the way Nicky can see right through me sometimes. "Lasciel's shadow is in no condition to fight, and without the Swords present to tip the scales in your favor you cannot defeat me, even with the gifts you've gained from the Winter Queen. Allow me to make you a counter-offer; take up Lasciel's coin willingly, and I won't kill any of these sweet, innocent little ponies."

I let out a short, humorless laugh. "You should've done your research, Nicky. We're in a children's cartoon, and in case you haven't noticed yet, you're the bad guy. You can't kill them. In fact, there's probably a heroic rescue due any second now."

"True, I can't inflict any lasting harm on these ponies while I remain in Equestria. But really Harry, surely you must have realized that I can just take them elsewhere if you really intend to force me to execute one of my hostages." Nicodemus shot me a poisonous grin. "Of course, we both know you're bluffing."

Bucking pony feathers. "You kill one of them, and you'll lose one of your hosts."

Nicodemus somehow managed to shrug despite being in pony form. "As regrettable as it would be to lose the opportunity to turn a champion of purity into an exemplar of evil, I can adapt. Besides, you will cave before I have to harm any of them."

Gee, sure would be great if that dramatic rescue hurried up and got here...

Well, until our dramatic rescue got here Lash and I would just have to figure out a way to save ourselves. "Lash," I whispered to my only remaining ally. "If you've got an ace in the hole that actually gives us a chance of getting out of this, now would be a great time to whip it out."

"There's no point in whispering." Lash answered back in a normal conversational tone. "Nicodemus will be able to hear everything we say either way."

Oh, right. I really hate dealing with baddies that have superhuman senses.

"By all means." Nicodemus declared mildly. "Feel free to use whatever forbidden last resort spell you have set aside for just such an occasion."

"There is one thing I could try." Lash informed me uncertainly. "In all likelihood it will kill both of us and do no significant harm to Nicodemus, but..."

"Yeah, we're that desperate." Normally I'd be a bit more hesitant about going for such a long shot, but this was cartoon land. The baddie was right on the verge of victory, and the only thing that could possibly let our heroes live to fight another day was to take a leap of faith and break out the one really dangerous weapon in our arsenal. In the real world, that gets you killed, but in cartoon land, it was a sure-fire way to make everything end in sunshine and rainbows.

Lash nodded very slowly, and then opened her mouth.

I don't know what she said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be sane if I hadn't managed to blot out the memory of whatever it was she uttered. All I know is that one minute she spoke and the next thing I knew I was writhing on the ground in what definitely ranked as one the top five most agonizing experiences I'd ever had in my life.

It wasn't a normal sort of physical pain. The closest thing I could think to relate it to was the time a trio of lemurs decided that my ghost/spirit form looked like a tasty little snack, and decided to chow down. It felt like my soul was ripping itself apart. Probably because, that was a pretty accurate approximation of what was actually happening.

I don't know how long I was down, screaming in agony; it could have been five seconds, or five hours. All I know is that when I finally recovered my senses, Nicodemus was standing over at the other end of the room, casually chatting with Discord, and Lash was...

Gone.

Not knocked out. Not even dead. Just gone. Not a single trace of her left.

Nicodemus noticed the instant I was lucid, and trotted over to me, an amused smirk on his face. "So nice of you to rejoin us, Dresden. I must confess, I'm impressed at the daring of Lasciel's shadow. There are few who would dare to invoke the Words of Creation, the very language of the White God himself. None of the Fallen, not even the Dark Prince himself, has dared to cross that threshold since the Fall. For the mere shadow of a Fallen to attempt such a thing - well, it's no surprise she was annihilated for her insolence.

"I wonder, how much do you know of the Words of Creation?" Nicodemus moved on from Lash's presumptive death as if it were a minor, unimportant little detail, which I suppose it was to him. "They have a most intriguing effect on mortals. It is said they burn the souls of the wicked, and soothe the souls of the righteous."

I couldn't help flinching at that little bit of information. I knew I'd done some bad things and made some huge mistakes over the course of my life, but to know that some bit of angelic holy magic that only harms the wicked had made with the smiting on me stung.

Nicodemus continued on, oblivious to my crisis on conscience. "No doubt the shadow hoped that they would have more of an effect upon me, but alas, it has been two thousand years since I could be classified as mortal."

Alright, I was officially in big trouble. No friends left, and after how badly Lash's gamble backfired I was too weak to fight off a kitten. Being at the mercy of Nicodemus was about as bad as things could possibly get. Demons, as a general rule, aren’t big on mercy.

That last minute heroic rescue that was always supposed to happen better hurry up, or it wouldn't get here in time.

"If you don't mind, Nicodemus." I was a bit surprised when Discord joined the conversation. "There's something I simply must ask Harry."

The Denarian graciously stepped aside, and let his ally take center stage. "Now, indulge me for a moment, if you would. Why is it that you play the role of the hero?"

Before I could answer him, Discord continued on. "After all, you've done a rather poor job of it so far." I was about to argue the point when Discord added. "Linda Randall certainly suffered for knowing you, and your efforts to help Kim Delaney ensured the poor girl's death. Or that poor girl at Splattercon; you know, if you hadn't lost your temper you could have saved her."

I flinched. Even years after the fact, those memories still stung. I was a wizard; it was my job to protect all the ordinary folks from the things that went bump in the night. But I was also human. I made mistakes. When it comes to fighting monsters, sometimes when I make mistakes it means innocent people die. It had taken me a long time to accept that fact. Or maybe it had just happened enough times that I'd learned to ignore the pain.

"And let's not forget dear little Molly. when you took her as an apprentice, the poor girly was an ordinary troubled teenager, with a bit of magic thrown in. Now look at her, a full-fledged warlock with a double-digit body count. Oh, and let's not forget the suicidal impulses. I must say, you've done a great deal to help her. Don’t you agree, hero?"

If being reminded of a few past failures stung, Molly was like a knife to the guts. I couldn't help remembering the last conversation I'd had with Uriel about her, how I had, on some level, made the choice to sacrifice my apprentice's health and sanity just to get my daughter back. At the time, it had seemed like the right thing to do; I had to save my little girl, no matter the cost.

Of course, Molly was someone's little girl too. Michael and Charity Carpenter were two of the best, most fundamentally good people I'd ever known. Michael and Charity invited me into their home, made me a part of their family, and trusted me with the life and safety of their daughter. Then when push came to shove, I'd tossed their daughter on the fire to save mine.

"And of course," Discord crooned. "We simply can't forget dear Susan."

No. I couldn't forget the mother of my child, the woman I'd once asked to marry me. The woman whose heart I'd cut out to power a ritual blood sacrifice.

I kept telling myself it had been the only way. That as terrible as what I'd done was, the alternatives had all been worse. If I hadn't done anything, the Red Court would have killed us all anyway. Instead, I'd destroyed a collection of some of the nastiest vampires on Earth. I'd stopped a war that had killed millions, and destroyed creatures that had been murdering innocent people for millennia. All it had cost was the life of the woman I loved. That was a small price to pay.

Maybe if I kept telling myself that for the rest of my life, I could even make myself believe it.

I thought my spiritual jaunt through Chicago had helped me come to terms with everything that happened. I was wrong. All that pain was still there, I had just buried a bit deeper than it was before, and Discord seemed to know exactly what to say in order to dig all that pain back up. Maybe Nicky told him everything, or maybe he just knew exactly what he needed to say to hit me where it hurts.

Discord leaned down, and softly whispered into my ear. "Tell me Harry, do you know how many people have died, just in the last year or so, because of your efforts to 'help' them?" Discord let out a low chuckle. "It really is rather impressive figure. Between the chaos you caused in South America, the losses to the renewed Fomor threat, and incidental things like all the murders your apprentice committed, I believe it comes up to ..." Discord paused a for a few seconds to count on his fingers before delivering the final number. "Fifteen million, two-hundred and eighty seven thousand, three hundred and ninety seven."

Merciful god. I knew things had gotten bad, but ... fifteen million! That was ...

Discord smiled, and gave me a few gentle pats me on the head, sending an odd tingling sensation down my spine. In a casual tone of feigned disinterest, Discord asked. "Would you like to know how many of the dead were children?"

I shattered.

Now I knew why Lash's last gambit had failed. I knew why there was no last-minute rescue coming for me.

Those things only happen for the good guys.

Discord sat down next to me, and threw a companionable arm across my back. "There there, don't feel so bad about it. I'm sure you didn't mean to cause all those deaths, and it's not like it's really your fault that the world would be better off if you just stopped trying to help it. We all make mistakes."

Discord stood up, and waved his mismatched arms grandly. "Don't think of it as a failure, think of it as an opportunity. Really, you must be so terribly tired of playing the role of the goody-goody protector of humanity, and quite frankly, you're not very good at it. But now that you understand the truth, you have a chance to have some fun with life. All those things you really wanted to do deep down, but always held yourself back from because you thought it just wouldn't be right." Discord delivered the last three words in a mocking tone, before throwing his arm around my back again.

When he put it like that ... it all kind of made sense. If every time I tried to help it just made things worse, then didn't it make sense to stop helping? Stars and Stones, going off the numbers Discord gave, Harry Dresden the Hero was probably on the top ten list of greatest mass murderers in the history of Earth.

The world didn't need a hero like that.

Nicodemus stepped forward, Lasciel's coin floating alongside him on a tendril of shadow. Silently, he offered it to me, one last time.

Why fight it anymore? I was a monster. I'd always been a monster, and I would always be a monster.

I took the coin.

In keeping with MLP:FiM tradition, we commemorate the villain's triumph by cutting to the happy, upbeat ending credit music.

Single Rainbow all the way Across the Sky

There were really only two appropriate words to sum up how much damage Rainbow Dash had caused. "Holy crap!"

By the time we got back to the good old US of A, Rainbow Dash's rampage through the Chicago suburbs had moved around to hitting the country club crowd. The pegasus really knew how to conjure up a storm; lightning was coming down every few seconds, and I could see multiple funnel clouds lashing the area.

I could feel the raw unharnessed power of the storm broiling above, and the amount of energy at play was incredible. The thing about weather is that it involves massive amounts of energy, especially stuff like storms. Victor Sells, a warlock who had tried setting up shop in my hometown, had managed to cause all kinds of trouble by tapping into a bit of the weather's power to fuel murder spells that normally just couldn't be done by anything human, and that had just been stealing a bit of power from an existing storm.

Rainbow Dash was whipping up a mega-storm out of nothing. Even one of the Faerie Queens would probably have to put in a bit of effort to manage something that extreme. Either Rainbow Dash got to cheat a bit when it came to dealing with the power requirements on account of being from cartoon-land, or Denarian Dash was so powerful I didn't stand a chance against her.

Dash had already done plenty of damage; what I could see of the 'burb's commercial district looked like a war zone, and plenty of mansions and villas were in ruins. I was almost tempted to make a brief detour to see if Marcone's compound or the Raith Estate had been hit by Rainbow Dash; it would be such a shame if the local mob boss and vampire clan had their homes torn apart.

Now that I thought of it, I wouldn't be surprised if those two were on Dash's target list. The only reason I could think of for Rainbow to hit Chicago was to take down my allies, especially the ones who had caused Nicky trouble in the past. Heck, he might be aiming to bump off or neutralize a lot of my allies specifically to prevent them from snapping me out of Lasciel's mind control. Or maybe he was just a vindictive jerk.

For a moment, I was tempted to look up a few of my old contacts. Lara and Marcone, who were sitting right in Dash's current target zone, had an obvious self-interest in helping me out, and if a Denarian was hitting Chicago, odds were Sanya would be close by. A Knight of the Cross was just the kind of ally I could really use when it came to dealing with the Nickleheads.

The downside was, dragging other folks into this had the potential to cause all kinds of complications, starting with revealing the fact that I wasn't quite dead. I wouldn't trust Marcone or Lara to keep the fact that I was alive under wraps, and my return from the dead was likely to cause all kinds of complications. I would need to deal with it all sooner or later, but for the moment dealing with it later sounded like an excellent idea.

So, just me and Lash, against a corrupted Rainbow Dash. It shouldn't be that hard to pull off, one-on-one I was probably a match for any single Denarian, with the possible exception of Nicky. The tricky part would be finding a way to free Rainbow from the Denarius and whatever mind control Discord had slapped onto her. Now that we were out of cartoon-land and in the real world, I had to work off the assumption that Rainbow Dash could die. It might well not be the case, but assuming she still had cartoon immortality could get me into all kinds of trouble, so better safe than sorry.

Normally, I didn’t pull my punches against the Nickleheads, but Rainbow hadn’t been under the coin’s influence long enough to put her past saving. Besides, Discord was still on the loose and presumably working with the Nickleheads, and that meant I needed to keep the only ponies that could use the Elements of Harmony in one piece.

Plus, if I killed Rainbow trying to save her, I’d have her fans hunting me down for the rest of my life. Heck, I’d be pretty pissed at myself, since she was one of my favorites out of the main cast.

I gave the area one last once-over, and started tossing together a battle plan. “Alright Lash, here’s what we’re gonna do.” I pointed to a large open parking lot outside the ruins of a largish strip mall. “We’re going to need enough room to see her coming, so we’ll set up there. I figure that even with whatever mind control and demonic influence she’s under, if I challenge her, Rainbow Dash will probably show up to fight. Once she’s close enough to the ground that the fall won’t hurt her, whichever ones of us has a better position can slap a binding on her, and then once she’s paralyzed we can make with the saving her. Sound good?”

Lash thought the matter over for a moment, and then amended. “We should position ourselves some distance away from each other, so that she can only engage one of us at a time. We should also stick to areas with a clear line of sight; she’s quite fast, so we’ll want enough space to be able to see her coming, though visibility is less than ideal. However, the rain should impede her as much as it does us, and hopefully the wind will also keep her from flying at her best.”

“Alright then. Let’s do this.”

Fortunately, the storm Rainbow Dash conjured up had already cleared the parking lot of cars; hopefully that was because everyone had gotten out of the way and evacuated. With as bad as these storms Rainbow was putting together were, odds were there had been casualties, but I really didn’t want to think about that. Mind-controlled or not, the idea of a pony with a kill count just seemed wrong.

Once Lash and I were in position I slammed my staff into the ground, producing a slight pulse of magical power, and called up into the heavens. “Rainbow Dash! I challenge you!”

For a few long, awkward seconds there was no response, and I just stood there in the middle of an empty parking lot, rain pouring down on me. Maybe the whole shouting a challenge thing wasn’t a great idea; with the all the noise this storm was kicking up, my voice probably didn’t carry very far, and odds were Rainbow Dash was a couple miles up in the air, busily messing around with the weather. If I really wanted to catch her attention, I’d probably need to do more than just yell a bit.

My attention went back up to the storm as an idea began percolating in my brain. If Rainbow Dash was busy maintaining her storm, then the best way to get her attention would probably be to start messing with the weather. The problem was, I couldn’t really do a whole lot against the raw power of a mega-storm like the one Dash was whipping up, it was just too much energy for me to counter. Like I said before, the amount of energy moving around in the weather is absolutely huge.

However, while countering all that energy was out, redirecting energy was a heck of a lot easier than trying to counter it. I redirected energy all the time, like with my gravity manipulation spells. Heck, I'd even drawn power from a storm before. This wasn't really anything new, I was just doing things bigger than before.

A lot bigger.

Still, the same basic principle applied. All I needed to do was draw on the storm’s power, and then start grounding out all the energy I was stealing from the storm. It was a fairly simple thing to do, conceptually, and stealing power from her storm would definitely catch the weather pony’s attention eventually.

I extended my senses up into the storm above, and very cautiously began to tap into the massive amount of energy contained within the thunderclouds. Like I’d hoped, it was ultimately a pretty simple process. Take energy from one place, in this case the clouds, and move it down to me, then ground it out.

I was feeling pretty good about myself, right up to the moment when I noticed that I was feeling very tingly.

Pop quiz: when you’re in the middle of a storm, how does a large amount of energy usually travel from the clouds down to the ground?

I've channeled lightning before, but the thunderbolt I'd used to fry a toad demon a decade and change ago was a tiny little spark compared to the one that hit me this time. My entire world disappeared in a massive flash of light and heat, and the next thing I knew, I was lying flat on my back with Lash was at my side, asking if I was alright. A quick once-over confirmed that all the important parts were still attached, though I’m pretty sure I was rocking the Einstein hairstyle right now.

Lesson of the day; don’t mess with the weather if you don’t know what you’re doing. I'd basically turned myself into a huge magical lightning rod, and if I’d been a couple seconds slower in figuring that out I would have been fried extra-crispy. Oops.

The good news was, from my position on my back, I could look right up at the hole I’d punched through the storm clouds. I had even managed to stop the rain in the area, which would be a huge help in the upcoming tussle with Rainbow; running water isn’t exactly great for magic. Aside from the part where it almost killed me, my plan had worked flawlessly. For one of my plans, that’s actually pretty good.

Sure enough, a few seconds later I saw a familiar pony face looking down at us from the heavens, right through the hole I’d busted through her cloud cover. Rainbow Dash looked less than pleased with us. The corrupted pegasus gave a few flaps of her wings and descended, stopping about fifty feet off the ground, and managing to hover easily despite the heavy gusts of wind.

Rainbow Dash looked at the two of us with a nasty, contemptuous smirk that just seemed terribly wrong on the face of one of the innocent little cartoon ponies. A pony from a dimension where sex, blood, and bad language weren’t even allowed to exist shouldn’t have an expression like that on her face. A second later, a pair of glowing green eyes emerged from her forehead, and the Fallen sitting in driver’s seat spoke up in a creepy deep and toneless voice. “Harry Dresden, and his little pet Nephilim too.”

I shot a curious glance at Lash. Nephelim? That was definitely something we would need to discuss sometime when we didn’t have a Denarian right in our faces. “Alright demon, here’s the deal. Release the pony and hand over the coin, and I’ll get the coin back into the Church’s custody; and in a couple years you can get out by finding a priest who likes messing with altar boys or something. Otherwise, I hand the coin over to Mab, and you can spend the rest of eternity just being another tool in here arsenal.” That was a bluff; there was no way I would ever willingly give Mab a weapon like one of the Denarii, but the demon didn’t know that.

The demon let out a hiss of anger, and for a moment I saw something rippling under Rainbow Dash’s fur. Most of the Denarians had some sort of demonic form they could shapeshift into, odds were whichever coin Rainbow had forced on her would have the same effect. I had no idea how the demonic shapeshifting would work with ponies, but it was a safe bet that the demonically shapeshifted ponies would look all kinds of disturbing and just plain wrong.

“As intriguing as your offer is, Dresden, I think I would rather just kill you and the Nephilim.” Demons can be so predictable sometimes. “Before we begin, I have one question for you, Dresden. If you emerge triumphant from our battle, I assume you intend to target the other bearers of the Elements of Harmony, yes?”

“Nah, I figured I would just kick back and relax, so you guys could continue along with all your evil schemes without me getting in the way.” Sure, there was no point in denying what my next move would be when it was patently obvious that I had to use the Elements in order to take down Discord, but I can be a stubborn, contrary bastard sometimes.

The demonic eyes poking out of Rainbow’s forehead closed, and Rainbow Dash’s real eyes narrowed in anger. “So if I don’t stop you here, you’re gonna go after my friends next?” That time, instead of the demon’s creepy voice it was back to Rainbow’s normal manner of speaking.

Great, between the demon and whatever mind magic Discord had worked on her, Rainbow’s perception was twisted around enough that she saw me planning to free her friends as some kind of threat to them. Making the pony who wielded the Element of Loyalty think she had kill me to protect her friends had the potential to be very bad.

Before I could work out just how much trouble this new little twist had gotten me into, something slammed into my chest and sent me flying back. Judging by the two roughly circular sore areas on my chest that I’m pretty sure were already developing into nasty bruises, I could make a fair guess Rainbow Dash had just kicked me.

She’d been at least a hundred feet away from me, and I hadn’t even seen her move before she hit me. I knew she was fast, but I'd been expecting something a bit more in line with most of the really fast supernatural critters I've gone up against. Humans are slow compared to just about everything else on the spooky side of things, but I've got lots of experience dealing with things that could outrun me.

Maybe I'd been just a bit too confident going into this fight. I mean, who would expect that a cute little cartoon pony might be capable of kicking my ass? In hindsight, it was obvious a pony that could break the sound barrier was going to be a hell of a lot faster than anything I'd ever fought before.

I’m a fairly potent wizard in a fight, but at the end of the day I’m still more or less human, with things like human eyes and human reaction times. Humans aren’t really designed to deal with something that can move at about a thousand feet per second.

If Rainbow Dash was too fast for me to even see properly, she was definitely too fast for me to sit around thinking. I heard a pained grunt from Lash’s direction, and quickly poured all my power into my shield bracelet. Normally I only put up a shield to cover my frontal arc to preserve a bit of magical muscle, but in this case I figured I needed full body coverage; as fast as Rainbow Dash was, I couldn’t afford to leave my back or sides open to attack.

An instant later something hit my shield. For an instant, I saw Rainbow Dash, looking at me through my shield, frustration clear on her equine face. Then there was another impact on my shield, and another, and another, until the hits were coming so fast that I couldn’t really tell how many attacks were coming and how where they were hitting. All I could see through my shield was the whirling prismatic blur of Rainbow Dash spinning around me and attacking from every conceivable angle, looking for a weak point in my shield.

Despite Rainbow efforts to break through, my shield bracelet held off the assault. For a moment I was actually thinking I had things under control; if Rainbow Dash was just spinning around trying to smash through my shield with brute force, she was staying more or less in one place, and close to the ground. That should give Lash an opportunity to pin the pegasus down, and put an end to the fight.

Just when I started feeling good about myself, I noticed something odd about Rainbow’s attacks on my shield bracelet. They were hitting everywhere, including places like the bottom of the feet. I looked down, and instead of the pavement, I just saw the same whirling chromatic blur that surrounded every other place I could see. Either Rainbow Dash had somehow managed to burrow through solid concrete to attack my shield from below, or…

Aw crap.

A second or so later, the whirling Rainbow blur surrounding me finally ceased, and I got a good view of my surroundings. The ground was an uncomfortable distance away. Rainbow Dash hadn’t just been trying to overload my shield or looking for a weak point, she’d been knocking my shield globe into the air the entire time, but I’d been too disoriented by the speed and ferocity of her assault to even notice what the corrupted pegasus was up to.

Rainbow Dash hovered in front of me for a moment, while my body hung weightlessly in the air as the remaining momentum from her attack warred with gravity’s inevitable downward pull. Dash smirked and me. “So long, Dresden.” Then she turned around and used her hind legs to buck me straight down to the ground.

Ever since a particularly nasty incident involving an out-of-control elevator and a magical giant killer scorpion, I’ve taken the effects of gravity into account when it comes to putting a shield together. Normally, a shield just has to stop something from hitting you; the problem with gravity is that it’s you that’s moving at lethal velocity, and the ground that’s the stationary object. You have to put the shield together a bit differently when you’re trying to stop yourself, especially since you need to find some way to cushion the impact. The human body does not react well to sudden, abrupt impacts, and doesn’t really differentiate between the ground and the walls of a magical shield when it comes to that kind of thing.

I’d tossed together shields to keep myself from getting killed by gravity before, but it’s not exactly the sort of thing I’d really tested a lot, and the last time I’d pulled it off there’d been a lot less down involved in the fall. Sure, in theory I just had to do the same thing I’d done last time, except moreso, but when you’re seconds away from death there’s a big difference between theory and practice.

I got a look at just where Rainbow had knocked me towards. The good news was that I had about fifty feet less of falling than could have been the case. The bad news was, that was because I was going to hit a building before I hit the ground. Hopefully, the owner’s insurance policy covered building damage caused by falling wizards.

My little shield globe had enough momentum behind it to punch straight through the roof, and then I hit floor itself. Then the roof again, then the floor, then a wall, then the roof one more time, and then a couple more impacts with the floor. Apparently, all those extra layers I’d added to my shield globe made it bouncy.

Once I was finally done with my rubber ball imitation, I dropped the shield. All those extra layers I’d put into my shield had done their job; it felt like only half the bones in my body were cracked or broken, which was a step up from being smashed into a thin greasy paste against the concrete.

From the looks of things, Rainbow had smashed me into the local mega-market. The journey of Harry the magical bouncing ball had finally ended in the store’s electronics section. Ouch. That was several hundred thousand dollars worth of TVs, computers, and other gadgets I’d just burned out. Oh well, the soulless mega-corp could afford it.

Since I didn’t really feel up to managing anything else, I decided to lie down for a bit and think about how much pain I was in. Judging by the fact that no followup attacks were coming, Rainbow probably thought she had me down for the count, and considering how close that attack had come to killing me, I couldn’t really blame her for assuming that. I wanted to get up and try to help Lash, but my body didn’t seem willing to even consider doing something as strenuous as getting up and moving. I was still lying down on the supermarket’s cheap linoleum floor when Lash found me.

Lash looked like she’d taken a few hits of her own, though as drenched as she was from being outside in the rain it was hard to tell just how bad her injuries were. She seemed to be up and mobile though, which put her a couple steps above me at the moment. At least I could still feel pain radiating off of every single inch of my body, as opposed to the numbness of paralysis. That was a good sign. Kind of.

“That did not go as planned.” Lash commented flatly.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious.” I get grumpy when I’m hurting, and considering the life I lead, I spend a lot of time being grumpy.

Lash knelt down beside me, and placed a hand over my chest. “Be Healed.” Her words had the same odd echoing quality that they’d held when she used that odd paralysis spell on me back at the hotel room.

A moment later, the pain washed away, and I felt downright healthy. That was fairly impressive; magical healing was a very tricky and delicate thing, and pulling off the sort of instantaneous healing Lash had just used on me took a lot of skill and power. At the moment I could hardly complain about Lash having some new magical trick for patching me up, but like that odd Nephilim comment the demon made about her, it was something I made a note to ask about once we had a bit of down time.

I sat up, and took stock of the situation. Considering the lack of further attacks for Rainbow, Lash had presumably found a way into the megastore without getting noticed by the pegasus. At least that gave us a bit of time to come up with a new plan. We definitely needed some sort of strategy to stand a chance in this fight; with as fast as Dash was, I couldn’t just improvise and make it up as I went along; once the fight resumed I wouldn’t have time to think.

The real problem was taking Rainbow down without killing or severely injuring her. I could come up with a few ways to deal with another of Dash’s high-speed melee attacks, but at the speeds she was moving at even a fairly benign counterattack ran the risk of doing irreparable damage to the pony. That wasn’t an option.

I found my eyes wandering the store, on the off chance that there was something here we could use. “So, how’d you get away from Rainbow anyway, Lash?”

“I cast a veil, and projected an illusion of myself, beaten, battered, and slain.”

So, illusions were an option against Dash. Good to know, though odds were the demon riding in the co-pilot seat could find some way to counter any illusions once he knew what Lash was up to. Considering how lopsided the first round had gone, I’d take any advantage I could get. We needed a bit more of an edge though, something that could really let us turn the tide and shut Rainbow Dash down long enough to free her from the demon’s influence.

A moment later, my eyes wandered to one particular area of the store, and a crazy idea popped into my head. I jumped to my feet, and dragged Lash along as I rushed over to that sections of the store. A quick search confirmed that, for once, luck was on my side; they had everything I needed to pull my plan off, and I might even be able to use the same tactic to save the rest of the ponies.

I tossed one box to Lash and grabbed the other five, before opening them all up and thrusting the contents into my pockets. From the look Lash was giving me, she obviously thought I’d finally snapped and gone cuckoo for Coco Puffs, but when by the time I was done explaining my plan, she was smiling. That was probably a good sign.

The first stage of the plan was simple enough. Lash’s illusion-work had already duped Rainbow Dash once, so there was no reason to think they wouldn’t work again. While the demon had Rainbow Dash under some sort of mind control, Rainbow was still the same pony deep down, and still had the same tendency to make snap judgments and leap before she looked. Impulsive and straightforward people were usually suckers for a good illusion.

Someone a bit more calm and prone to thinking things through might wonder why I was suddenly standing right out in the open parking lot, in the perfect position for Rainbow to repeat the last beating she’s given me. Someone like Twilight Sparkle might decide to look a little more closely, and perhaps would have figured out that the Harry Dresden standing out in the open was another one of Lash’s illusions, and the real me was sitting under a veil about fifty feet back from the illusion. Someone a bit more tactically minded might have realized that the storefront of the superstore the illusionary Harry was standing in front of offered several good ambush positions.

Lucky for us, we were dealing with Rainbow Dash. The pegasus took one look at the illusionary Dresden, and let out a cry of. “Oh, you didn’t get enough last time, huh? Fine! This time I’ll kick your flank twice as hard!” Then she charged in as fast as she could, and passed through the illusion moving fast enough to have done me some serious damage if I’d actually been standing there.

A different pony might have thought there was something wrong when she just shot straight through the illusion, but Rainbow was too worked up to notice a little detail like that. Instead, she just assumed I must have dodged her somehow, and shot back around for another pass. When that attack didn’t connect either, she switched tactics, and attacked from above. When she finally shot straight through the head of the holographic Harry, I could tell from the look on her face that she had finally started putting it together.

That half-second of vulnerability while Rainbow hovered halfway through my illusionary double, figuring out what I’d been up to, was when I made my move. “Forzare!”

Even though I had her dead-to-rights in a perfect ambush position, Rainbow Dash was still by far the fastest and most agile opponent I’d ever gone up against. Even with only a fraction of a second to act, she still managed to not get hit by the full brunt of my attack. Instead of knocking her silly across the concrete, all I managed to do was knock a few hairs loose from her tail.

As soon as I saw the effect of my spell, I brought my shield back up, and an instant later Rainbow Dash began her counterattack. Right before she hit, I tweaked the angle of my shield just a bit, to make sure that her attack knocked me back further into the store. I might not be able to match her speed, but if I played my cards right I could direct her attacks and control where she hit me and in which direction she sent me flying.

As soon as she confirmed that I was still in one piece, Rainbow Dash charged into the store after me, intent on finishing the job. As soon as she passed through the doors, Lash made her move, dropping the security gate down behind Dash to trap her inside. There wasn’t time to lock and secure the gate, but it would still keep Rainbow from just flying right back out the doors. Stopping to open the gates back up would take precious seconds of relative immobility that would give me all the time I needed to slap a binding on her.

As long as she kept moving Rainbow Dash was still a heck of a lot faster than me, but trapping her indoors cut down on her mobility, and all the shelves and aisles would keep her from having enough room to build up to dangerous amounts of speed. Last time, Lash and I thought we needed open terrain so we could see her coming, but that hadn’t exactly worked out. Yeah, Dash could take advantage of her speed to outflank me and set up ambushes around any blind corner, but at least she wouldn’t be moving so fast that I wouldn’t even be able to see her.

I took shelter in the frozen foods section, though judging by the sounds of machines sputtering and dying it was now a couple of hours away from being the thawed foods section. For a moment, I felt just a bit guilty about all the collateral damage I was inflicting on the supermarket. At least I hadn’t burned the entire building down. I must be slipping. Then again, the fight wasn’t even over yet, so there was still plenty of time for that to happen.

I spotted a prismatic blur of light as Rainbow shot off deeper into the store. Luckily for me, she ignored Lash and came right for me, but now that she had to move a bit slower to dodge through the aisles and deal with all the normal terrain of a supermarket I had enough time to see her coming. I only had a couple seconds to work with, but that was enough time to try a variation on one a spell that would be all kinds of handy for grounding a flyer.

Earth magic normally isn’t my thing, but I’ve gotten a bit better with it over the years. One of the better spells I’d come up with was a gravity manipulation spell that concentrated all the gravity within an area into a single point. For a second, there’s no gravity anywhere within a couple hundred meters, put in the target zone, gravity goes up to a couple hundred times what it normally is. Even a lot of supernaturally tough things don’t like that.

Of course, that kind of gravity would kill Dash, and I didn’t want that. Plus, since I’m bad with earth magic, it usually takes me around a minute or so to actually pull the spell off. However, in theory I should be able to a toned-down version of it much more quickly. I didn’t want to hurt Rainbow, just turn up gravity enough to ground her for a bit.

For about a quarter second, gravity within about a hundred feet of me doubled, while gravity a bit further away cut out. From the sounds of things clattering, smashing, and falling down, echoing through the store, messing around with gravity in the supermarket had just added more to my collateral damage bill, but at least my toned-down gravity spell didn’t tear holes in the ceiling like the full strength version tended to do. However, the more important part was that Rainbow, caught off guard by gravity doubling, hit the floor face first on the other end of the frozen foods section from me.

“No more flying for you, Dash.” I called out. “Those hooves leave the ground, and I’ll just shut you down again.” There was a fair bit of bluff there; like I said, earth magic isn’t really my thing, and trying to use it over and over would wear me out pretty quickly. Hopefully, Rainbow Dash and the Fallen riding shotgun in her brain weren’t aware of that detail.

For a moment it looked like Rainbow was about to call my bluff, but then she went still, and I’ve dealt with enough Nickleheads to recognize when the demon was trying to tell its host something. I was a bit tempted to try and slap a binding on Dash while she was distracted, but really, all I needed to do here was stall for time while Lash got the next part of the plan ready. Letting the demon chat with Rainbow ate up time, and any time they spent talking was time I wouldn’t have to spend fighting.

After spending a few seconds chatting with her Fallen, Rainbow shot me a smirk of total confidence. “Fine, you wanna do things the hard way? We’ll do things the hard way!”

Rainbow Dash began to change. Stupid me, I’d forgotten about the Denarian shapeshifting.

Plates of vaguely insectoid bluish-grey carapace grew over her blue fur and her feathered wings transformed into thick, bony spikes. Her mane transformed into a six curved bull horns protruding from her head, one in each color of the rainbow, and beneath the horns she now had a glowing set of Denarian eyes above her normal purple ones, with both sets of eyes sunken deep within the bony ridges of her face. Vicious claws replaced her hooves, and doubled in length and sprouted grew enough spikes to turn me into swiss cheese. Rainbow Dash let out a high-pitched snarl of a battle roar, and I discovered that her mouth had mandibles now.

“Holy shit!” A second later, I had my blasting rod pointing right at the thing. “Fuego!” Yeah, breaking out the fire probably wasn’t a good idea when I was trying to save Rainbow from the demon, but if you had been face to face the demonic shrieking insect-thing Rainbow Dash had become, your first instinct would have been to kill it with fire too.

The fire washed right over the demon thing, but fortunately for both of us its bony exoskeleton was tough enough to stand up to a bit of wizard’s fire. Good thing I hadn’t mixed any soulfire in with my attack, or I would’ve accidentally killed off one of the Elements of Harmony, and Michael’s daughters would never forgive me. Heck, Michael himself would probably be less than happy with me.

Also, the area behind the Dash-thing was on fire now. See, I knew I’d get around to setting the building on fire eventually.

Rainbow Abomination glared at with all four of her eyes, and let out a shriek of, “REEE!” that was so loud and high-pitched that I wouldn’t have been surprised if my ears started bleeding. Then, the demon thing took several loping steps forward, and snapped its tail towards me; several of the spikes attached to her detached and came flying right at my head. I brought up a shield to block the attack, but while my attention was on the projectiles, the creature broke into a run, and pounced at me.

I jumped to the side and avoided Demon Dash’s claws, but then her tail whipped around and clipped my side. It didn’t hit hard enough to do any real damage through the defensive spells on my new duster, but it did knock me off balance for a second, and that was all the opening the demon needed to swipe at me with its claws.

My shield managed to keep it from eviscerating me, and I took a few quick steps back to try and get some more room to maneuver. Unfortunately, Rainbow Abomination was still unnaturally fast, and despite the creature’s size and bulk it easily followed me and kept up the attack. I might be able to buy some breathing room if I turned around and tried to go for a proper run instead of just hopping backwards, but I didn’t think turning my back on this entity was a good idea.

It sure would be nice if Lash could get around to finishing up her part of the plan before I wound up in Demon Dash’s stomach.

After she’d just about backed me into the produce section, the demon reared up on its hind legs, presumably planning to try smashing through my shield with one big hit instead of wearing it down with a bunch of smaller attacks. That move gave me a short little opening to counter attack, and I took it. “Forzare!”

I didn’t hold back very much; considering the exoskeleton Rainbow Abomination had, I probably needed to hit her pretty darn hard just to make an impression. The creature went flying through an entire shelf full of candy, before landing in the bakery section, utterly smushing about a dozen cakes in the process. Pinkie Pie would have been appalled.

The demon, now looking slightly less intimidating on account of being covered in bits of cake and frosting, nimbly got back up on its feet, and gave a few flaps of its bony wings, lifting into the air despite the fact that there was no way those wings should be capable of producing lift, especially for such a heavy creature. I hate it when demons cheat.

“No you don’t!” Another gravity spell brought the thing down again, this time landing on the cupcakes and donuts. Sorry Pinkie. I aimed a follow-up force spell at the ceiling above the bakery, which I hoped would drop enough debris to pin the thing down until Lash could finish up her part of the plan, but this time it was ready for me. The creature’s tail lashed out, and sent one of the largest chunks of debris flying right at me.

I got my shield up in time to avoid getting squashed, but the blunt force of the impact still sent me flying back. The first thing I noticed after landing was that my entire body was now thoroughly drenched in some sort of liquid. A quick sniff confirmed that she’d knocked me back into the alcohol aisle. Oh well, no big loss; store-bought supermarket crap has nothing Mac’s microbrew.

I staggered up drunkenly, just in time to see Rainbow Abomination coming after me with a flying pounce. If she actually landed on top of me I’d be squished flatter than a pancake, and that just wouldn’t do at all. “Arctis!” A thick layer of ice covered the creature, and it came crashing to the ground, completely immobilized by its icy prison. “And magic makes it all complete!” I crowed victoriously.

“REEEAR!” The creature that had once been Rainbow Dash rebutted, the creature struggled against its icy prison, and within a matter of moment I could see massive cracks developing.

“That’s just not fair.” I groaned. Disabling a Denarian without inflicting serious bodily harm upon it was proving to be a much, much more difficult proposition than just killing one outright. As long as the Fallen linked to the coin could feed Dash Hellfire power, I couldn’t wear her down, and none of the evocations I was good with were really suited to disabling and confining something of Rainbow Abomination’s power. Really, the best way to disable a Denarian was to remove the coin, and pulling off something like that in the middle of a heated battle was difficult, especially when I wasn’t even sure where the coin was.

“Any time now, Lash…” I growled under my breath.

I tried reinforcing the ice making up Rainbow’s temporary prison, but just throwing more ice on top of the existing ice wasn’t doing the job. A couple seconds later, she finally broke free. I immediately tried to freeze her again, but the creature snapped its tail around and caught the blast of ice on that, leaving the rest of its body free to maneuver. “Forzare!” That smacked the creature a good fifty feet back, but within moments it was back on its feet, and charging towards me.

I was about to try dodging of blocking the monster’s charge, but about three quarters of the way to me her legs and bone-wings suddenly locked up, sending the beast tumbling unceremoniously to the ground. I let out a sigh of relief. Looks like Lash had finally come through for me.

Dash’s tail was still free of the binding, but another quick blast of ice pinned that down. I wasn’t terribly eager about the next part, but I knew it needed to be done; I had to get the coin away from Rainbow, and that meant finding the damned thing. After a moment of reluctant hesitation, I opened my Sight.

Under the Sight, Rainbow was back to looking like herself instead of the skeletal insectoid crime against nature I’d been fighting against. However, her normally bright blue fur and rainbow mane were a dull, flat grey. On her flank, just a bit below her cutie mark, there was a small circle of pure black, and thick veins of corruption were slowly spreading out from there to the rest of her body. “Gotcha.”

I pointed my staff at the center of the mass of corruption, and carefully focused on my next spell. This time, instead of the usual blast of brute strength, my force spell was a small precise blow, more akin to a chisel than my usual sledgehammer. Rainbow gave a pained roar when I cracked one of the plates of her carapace, and despite her current form I couldn’t help wincing at the thought that I’d just hurt what was, current transformation into a crime against nature aside, a cute little innocent cartoon pony.

It took two more taps of my force chisel to finish the job, and the black mass of corruption slowly slid out of Rainbow’s flank. I picked the Denarius up with the sleeve of my duster, and dropped it into one of my pockets. With the coin’s influence gone, that just left Discord’s spell to deal with.

I don’t have any particular talent for mental magic but my ex-apprentice Molly does, and all the time I spent training her gave me the chance to pick up a fair bit of it via osmosis. I was no neuromancer, but I had a solid grasp of the basics, and when it came to mind magic usually the trickiest part was spotting it in the first place. Plus, Lash had already told me how she reversed the spell on me, and odds were Discord had used the same binding on Dash that he used on me. People, and evil cartoon critters, tend to be reliably lazy about always using the exact same spells.

The key to breaking Discord’s binding was simple. Since it worked by messing around with the victim’s perception of themselves and inverting their value, all you needed to do to reverse it was remind the person of who they really were. Lash having shared brain-space with me for years, probably knew me better than just about anyone else. Hopefully, twenty-six half-hour episodes (minus commercials) had given me a good enough sense of Rainbow Dash to pull off the spell.

“Commemini.” I tried to draw out the memories I wanted Rainbow to remember; facing Nightmare Moon, her odd friendship with Pinkie Pie, the (usually) friendly rivalry with Applejack, Fluttershy’s cheering lessons, Twilight Sparkle and the tickets to the Gala, the dress Rarity made for her. In short, her friends.

Discord’s spell shattered.

See? Friendship really is magic.

The grey covering Rainbow faded away, and the pony looked like her old self again. Looking at her with the Sight wasn’t quite as revealing as a Soul Gaze (which I wasn’t even sure if ponies could do), but it still gave a sense of who she was. The brash and confident speedster, who secretly feared not being able to live up to the image she constantly projected, and who cared for her friends far more than she would ever admit. It was definitely one of the more pleasant things I’ve seen with my Sight.

When I closed my metaphorical third eye, I saw Rainbow Dash, returned to her normal form. I gave another guilty wince when I saw the thin, lightly bleeding wound on her flank where I’d removed the coin. Cute little cartoon ponies shouldn’t bleed, and they definitely shouldn’t be bleeding because of something I’d done.

“You alright Rainbow?”

“Fine.” The pegasus answered casually, looking desperately around her strange surroundings. “What happened?” She asked a moment later. “Last thing I remember, we were fighting those Nicklehead guys, and then something went wrong, and next thing I know, I’m here talking to you. Where are my friends? Are they alright?”

I dropped down to the floor, and met the pony’s eyes. “You were the first one we managed to find and free, but we will save your friends. I promise you.”

“Pinkie Pie Swear?” I don’t think I’d ever heard the pegasus sound so scared and vulnerable, not even during the whole Sonic Rainboom episode. The thought that her friends were in trouble and she might not be able to save them was terrifying.

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” I promised solemnly.

Hold onto your Hooves, Harry is About to be Brilliant!

“When I get my hooves on that Discord punk and those Nickleheads, I’m gonna kick their flanks so hard their new cutie marks are gonna be bruises!”

Rainbow Dash was one thoroughly pissed off pegasus. As soon as she got past her initial trauma of being mind controlled and demonized, she’d moved right along to burying all her fears and worries under a heap of righteous anger. Speaking from personal experience, anger’s not a bad choice as far as coping mechanisms go, so long as you can keep it under control. It was doing wonders for helping me deal my own issues at the moment.

I slid the half-gallon tub of ice cream over to Rainbow, and after a second’s consideration the bound pegasus just stuck her entire head in. Guess table manners are hard to pull off when you can’t move anything other than your head and neck. Then again, Rainbow didn’t strike me as the type to be all that dainty about her table manners when she had full mobility, and she was really just eating like a horse anyway.

Following Rainbow’s example, I grabbed a pint of ice cream and a plastic spoon, and got to work.

“Y’know,” Rainbow Dash said between bites. “It’s a good thing that demon was running things instead of me. I mean, if I’d been in charge of my own body, you wouldn’t have been able to beat me and snap me out of it.”

I pointed out the obvious flaw in her logic. “Well, if you hadn’t been under mind control I wouldn’t have needed to fight you in the first place.”

“Well, yeah.” The pegasus conceded. “But – but that’s not the point! The point is, I only lost because of the demon. If I’d actually been in charge … well, let’s just say it’s a good thing for you that I wasn’t.”

Looks like somebody’s pride was stinging from being on the losing end of the fight, demonic mind control or not. Well, considering everything Rainbow had gone through recently, I could let her have this. “Yeah, I’d have been in big trouble if I’d been up against the real Rainbow Dash. You would have kicked my ass with three hooves tied behind your back.”

“Hay yeah!” Rainbow agreed readily. A second later, the bound pegasus looked over at me in confusion. “Wait, what’s an ‘ass’ and why would I kick it?”

Well, that was a slightly awkward question. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that an entity from a universe where even the mildest forms of impolite language were censored would have a few gaps in her vocabulary. “Um, it’s kinda like the human equivalent of a flank. Also, if someone’s a real jerk, we call them an asshole.”

Rainbow’s eyes widened in comprehension. “Oh, gotcha. You guys use weird words.”

“Hey, I didn’t invent the language.” I answered with a shrug.

Rainbow paused in thought for a moment, and then said. “So, if those Nicklehead guys are humans like you, I can’t really say I’m gonna kick their flanks, ‘cause that doesn’t work. So … I guess I gotta say I’m gonna kick their asses instead. Yeah, next time I see them, I’ll be all, ‘I’m gonna kick coin-y asses, you assholes!”

Any further discussion on the matter of human expletives came to an abrupt end a few moments later, when I noticed Lash glaring daggers at me. “Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden.” I gave a little shudder, not just because she used my Name, but from the tone she delivered it in. I’ve never understood how an angry woman can manage to convey so much displeasure just by saying your full name. Must be some sort of secret female magic.

“Um, hi Lash.” Oh crap. Not only had I gotten a full name ultimatum, she was giving me that look. You know, that look women gives a guy when they’re very unhappy with him, and want to make the extent of their displeasure abundantly clear? Yeah, that’s the one she was giving me. “Um, want some ice cream? Rainbow and I kind of busted the freezers while we were throwing down, so all of it’s going to melt anyway, so I figured we might as well eat some of it instead of letting it all go to waste.”

Lash continued glaring judgmentally at me.

“Your choice of any flavor you want.” I offered nervously. “We got strawberry, vanilla, chocolate, that type that has all three of them mixed together, or mint chocolate chip, or rocky road, or…” Super, I’d moved all the way up to nervous nonsensical babbling. The only time I’m any good at handling angry women is when they’re trying to kill me.

“I cannot believe you.” Lash growled. “I leave you alone with a pony for five minutes, and you immediately start teaching her how to swear. I hope you’re proud of yourself, Harry.”

“Hey, I’m just teaching her the human equivalents of Equestrian swear words she uses all the time.” I offered in my own defense. Actually, now that I thought about it, they did manage to slip a fair amount of parenthetical swearing in for a kids show. “Besides, once she’s back in Equestria she’ll probably forget all about them anyway.”

“Y’know, I’m right here, listening to everything you guys say.” Rainbow groused in the background.

Lash stared me down for a few moments longer, and then just gave a resigned sigh. “You are impossibly frustrating sometimes, Harry.”

“Hey, not to interrupt you guys’s arguing or anything, but I’m still kinda paralyzed here.” Rainbow Dash called out. “Harry said you’re the one who put the spell on me, so do you think you could get rid of it already? I’m not evil anymore, and being stuck on the ground is really starting to bug me.”

“Ah, right.” Lash reached into the pocket of her own duster, and pulled out a small figurine with a few strands of Rainbow Dash’s hair wrapped around its midsection and twine binding its hooves and wings. Lash removed the twine and I felt a stir of energy as she released her spell, freeing the pegasus.

After giving a few experimental flaps of her wings to make sure everything was still working, Rainbow fluttered over to have a look at the tool Lash used to immobilize her. “Huh, that doll looks kinda like me. Except girlier, and not quite as cool.” The pegasus cocked her head curiously to the side. “Where’d you get it? How’d you use it to stop me from moving?”

Lash and I exchanged a look, and she gave a slight shake of her head. All things considered, it was probably better if we never told Rainbow about the fact that there was a decent sized area within the toy section devoted to merchandise her and her friends. The last thing we needed to do was give the pegasus an existential crisis to deal with when she was already getting over being possessed by a demon and worried about her friends.

After a moment Lash gave an answer that dodged the potential minefield. “Well Rainbow, I paralyzed you using a type of magic called thaumaturgy.” Lash pointed to the hairs from Rainbow’s tail she’d wrapped around the toy. “I used some of your tail hairs that got knocked loose during your fight with Harry to create a magical connection to you. That connection allows me to use this toy as a representation of you, so if I bind its wings, your wings are bound too.”

“Oh. Huh.” Rainbow gave the toy a pondering look. “Usually when Twilight tries to explain something about magic it’s a lot more complicated and boring than that.”

“Perhaps I have more experience in simplifying my explanations for those who are not experts in magic.” Lash shot me a meaningful look.

Ouch, I just got burned.

Rainbow shot a look at me, then back to Lash, then let out a giggle. Once the women had finished amusing themselves at my expense, Rainbow got back to business. “So, if you guys have hair from my friends, then would you be able to do the same thing to them you did to me?”

“That’s the plan.” I pulled out a couple of the pony toys I had sitting in my duster. “Got one for each of your friends, so all we need is some hair. Well, other things would work too, but hair’s usually the easiest thing to get. Once we have some of their hair, we should be able to work a binding on them.” With any luck, we could use thaumaturgy to disable the rest of the possessed ponies and free them without having to risk harming them in the process.

“Alright, soon as we find them I can get you that hair in one second flat.” Rainbow declared, looking a bit happier now that she had a definite plan for saving her friends, and there was something she could do to help.

Speaking of Rainbow Dash helping in the fight against the Denarians, that brought a rather crazy idea to mind. Rainbow Dash was the Element of Loyalty, and I was the caretaker of a holy sword called Fidelacchius. Going off the name of the sword, odds were Rainbow was very qualified to wield it, though I don’t know if she had all the qualifications to be a full-fledged Knight of the Cross. Still, bringing one of the Swords of the Cross into the fight would be huge; the main reason the Swords existed was to save people from the influence of the Denarii. Heck, just having one nearby last time I’d ran into Nicodemus had given me enough of an edge to come out on top when we fought.

Heck, for that matter one of the other ponies could probably use Amoracchius as well. You’re probably familiar with that sword’s other name. Excalibur. I was in charge of keeping an eye on that one too; it had been Michael’s sword, until his last fight against the Nickelheads forced him into retirement.

However, there was the slight problem that, while I was the official caretaker of the swords, they weren’t currently in my possession. Murphy had been holding onto them since I’d died, and getting them back would mean letting her know I was still alive. That had the potential to make things very complicated. Plus, if I just showed up on her doorstep asking for the two Swords of the Cross, and managed to convince her that I really was alive and this wasn’t some sort of trick, to steal the swords, Murphy would start asking questions. Very reasonable questions, like why I suddenly showed up out of the blue to ask for two incredibly powerful holy swords of demon-smiting.

Murphy was no idiot. She would know I was in trouble, and once she knew that she would want to help. When Murphy wants something, it’s pretty close to impossible to stop her from getting it, and if she thought I needed help she would get involved whether I wanted her to or not. Heck, she’d given up her entire career as a cop, something that meant the world to her, last time I needed her help. Getting the swords meant dragging Murphy into this mess, and I really didn’t want to do that.

Besides, while the ponies might have the moral qualifications to use the swords, I can’t imagine any of them were actually trained to use human weapons. Hell’s bells, they didn’t even have hands! What would they do, carry the sword in their mouth?

So much for that idea then. “So, what’s our next move?” I turned to Rainbow. “You know where we can find the rest of your friends? Are they on Earth too?”

Rainbow shook her head. “Nah, the Nickleheads sent them out to go do other stuff. Fluttershy and Pinkie got sent out to find some magic thing to use against Dragons, and Applejack and Rarity got sent to some weird place to get some sort of flying machines and rayguns and stuff.”

Crap. Looks like Nicky was raiding fiction-land for new toys. I’d been hoping that the rest of the ponies weren’t scattered halfway across the multiverse. I wasn’t exactly confident in our ability to safely navigate the Outside just to get back to Equestria, let alone go anywhere else. I noted one pony was left out of Rainbow’s accounting. “What about Twilight?”

“Dunno.” Rainbow answered with a shrug. “When I left, she was still in Equestria. I think Discord’s hanging on to her.”

Looks like Discord wanted to hand onto one of the Element-using ponies. Smart move on his part; handing over all six of the ponies who controlled the only weapon we knew of that could defeat him to his new ally would not have been a very smart move. Nicky wouldn’t hesitate to turn the Elements on Discord to get the upper hand in their current alliance. Sure, the corrupted ponies probably couldn’t use the Elements, but better safe than sorry.

Plus, if Discord was hanging onto one of the ponies, my job had just gotten several times more difficult. Taking a pony away from Discord’s clutches would be pretty close to impossible.

I looked over at Lash to see if she had any bright ideas, but she looked just as frustrated and lost as I was. We couldn’t really run around the Outside looking for the ponies at random; we could spend our entire lives searching and probably not even manage to scratch the surface of what fiction-land had to offer. We needed a way to narrow down the search.

My contemplation on the matter came to an abrupt end when Rainbow suddenly sped off in a random direction. Before I could even try to figure out where she had run off to, she was back, a carrot hanging halfway out of her mouth. “Ice cream’s good and all, but I could kinda use some real food.”

My stomach gave a loud rumble of agreement, and I realized that I hadn’t eaten getting snapped out of my own mind control, and that had just been donuts. It’s been a busy day, and so far I hadn’t put anything into my belly other than sugar. Heck, for that matter after all the craziness I’d been through lately, I was getting pretty tired too.

One of the hardest things for anyone to do when you’re in full-on crisis mode is actually slow down for a bit to rest and think things through. Your natural instinct is to keep pushing onwards. I couldn’t afford to waste time eating or sleeping while the bad guys were still in the midst of hatching their evil scheme. I could rest once the problem was solved.

Yeah, that sounds real nice in theory, but I’ve learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea. The human body needs food and sleep, especially with the amount of abuse I tend to put myself through when my life gets crazier than usual. Hungry, tired people make mistakes, and right now a mistake could get myself and a whole lot of other people killed. I wasn’t going to get a four-course luxury meal and sleep in, but I needed some gas in the tank and my batteries recharged. “Alright, new plan; we get some food, rest, regroup, and figure out what our next move should be.”

After a bit of searching we managed to find an open Burger King and a motel that didn’t ask too many questions as long we paid with cash up-front. Rainbow kept to the skies until we’d secured our room, and then flew in through an open window quickly enough that hopefully nobody noticed her.

It took a bit of work to convince her that a veggie burger and fries made out of potatoes instead of hay were acceptable food. Burger King didn’t have the equine palette in mind when they designed their menu, but judging by how quickly the food disappeared once she finally gave it a try it worked well enough.

I saw an opening for a joke, and couldn’t resist. After what we’d been through, and everything we still had left to face, we could all use a good laugh. “I guess Rainbow is –” I gave a brief pause to maximize the effect when I delivered the punchline, “As hungry as a horse.”

Lash let out an annoyed groan. Rainbow just looked at me for a moment and then said, “Well duh!” in near-perfect imitation of Pinkie Pie. That actually got a half-hearted chuckle out of me, which I guess makes Rainbow’s sense of humor better than mine.

Once her food was gone, Rainbow shot out the window again, and returned a few seconds later holding a chunk of cloud, which she promptly hammered into a roughly bed-like shape before curling up on it and getting comfortable.

“Well, that’s going to be hard to explain if the cleaning lady comes in.” I quipped. At least Rainbow seemed to be holding up alright after the whole demonic possession thing. Then again, considering her personality Rainbow would try to very hard not to show it if she was having any problems. Heck, she’d tried very hard to act completely confident about the Young Fliers Competition, yet went it came time to get started she was a quivering terrified wreck.

Probably not much I could do about it though. If I tried talking to her, all I was likely to get was her refusing to talk to me and insisting she was fine. It would take someone gentle and nurturing to help her out, and right now Fluttershy was still demon-controlled and running around somewhere in the Outside.

I was about to follow Rainbow’s example and get some shuteye, or the closest thing I could manage with all the worries and lingering guilt I had hanging over me at the moment, when I realized that this was a good chance to get some answers out of Lash. “Hey, mind if I ask you something?”

Lash, being a bit more manners-conscious than Rainbow and I were (namely, she didn’t eat all the food within five minutes of getting it), was still nibbling on her fries. She gave me a suspicious look. “This is not a lead-in to another one of your attempts at humor, is it?”

I gave a little chuckle. “No, I’m being serious.”

“I thought your name was Harry.” Lash deadpanned.

I blinked, and needed a second to figure that one out. “That was almost as bad as one of my jokes.” I let out a very forced laugh.

Lash gave me a weak smile. “Such was my intention. Now then, ask your question, and I shall answer.”

I took a deep breath, and mentally prepared myself. I had a feeling this wasn’t going to be one of the happier conversations I’ve ever had, but I needed some answers about what was going on with Lash. “Well, when we fought against the demon in control of Rainbow –“

“Prziel” Lash supplied.

“Yeah, him. Anyway, he called you a Nephelim.” I finished. “Can’t help but be a bit curious about that. I mean, I’m no expert on all the angel stuff, but as I recall a Nephelim is supposed to be what you get when a mortal and an angel start popping out babies. Don’t recall that happening with you.”

Lash dropped a half-eaten fry, and went quiet for a while. After she’d been silent for long enough that I was starting to get a bit worried, she answered very quietly. “Your understanding is not entirely accurate, Harry. Much like with humankind, a Nephilim need not be created through sexual reproduction.” Lash tried to keep her tone detached and clinical, but she wasn’t doing a very good job of it.

“Ultimately, a Nephilim is simply a being that combines mortal and angelic natures. Sexual reproduction was the most common means of creating a Nephilim, but so long as the being has the essence of an Angel and a mortal soul it is a Nephilim.”

“So, if someone found a shadow created from a portion of an Angel’s power, and bumbled into giving her Free Will and a soul…” I took that line of thought to its logical end point.

“Indeed,” Lash confirmed.

Super. Once again I’d accidently messed around with a bunch of forces I had no real understanding of, and it had caused all kinds of unexpected consequences. I’d given Lash her nickname because it’s just something I do. I didn’t know it was going to help her develop her own identity, and apparently even turn her into a mortal-angel crossbreed. No wonder Uriel got so forceful when I tried messing around with his name. The more I learn about how magic and supernatural works, the more amazed I am that I haven’t managed to kill myself yet by messing around with things I barely understand.

Lash was obviously less than comfortable with this topic, and it wasn’t hard to guess why. I’m no bible scholar, I’m not even really a believer, but once angels and demons started getting involved in my life I did some research. “So, as I recall Nephilim weren’t exactly all that popular with the big guy upstairs.” I began nervously.

“If by unpopular, you mean that He had Uriel arrange for their extermination, then yes, they were not terribly popular.” Lash answered, her poker face slipping and revealing a bit of very real distress. “The Nephilim were a serious threat to the balance of power in the universe; an entity possessing even a fraction of the powers of an angel and the free will of a mortal is far too disruptive to the status quo. Extreme measures had to be taken to remove the threat..”

Dang. What the heck can you even say to that? ‘Hey, sorry I turned you into a species that god genocided for the greater good’ just won’t cut it.

“Lasciel participated in it, you know.” Lash continued on dully. “The Nephilim eradication. She worked for Uriel before she fell.”

Oh, well that just adds a whole new level of messed up to the situation. Since Lash had most of Lasciel’s memories, she would actually remember participating in the genocide of her own species. That sounds like a one-way ticket to some serious mental health issues. “You okay?” That was a stupid question. She very obviously wasn’t alright.

“I will endure.” Lash answered, doing her best to sound stoic and failing miserably. “After I gained physical form and attempted to use my angelic powers, heaven could no longer afford to ignore my presence. Uriel spoke in my defense, and convinced the other Archangels that so long as my access to my angelic abilities was heavily restricted, I would not pose an undue threat to the current balance.”

Well, good to know the forces of heaven weren’t going to smite her; I’d take exception to that, even if it meant pissing off a bunch of beings that could kill me with their pinky fingers. Wouldn’t be the first time I’d done something suicidally heroic like that just because it was the right thing to do. Doesn’t matter if it’s Heaven, Hell, or anything in between; I don’t like it when people try to hurt my friends.

I was almost tempted to just drop the subject entirely since it was obviously not a pleasant subject for Lash, but I probably needed to know what was going on, and talking about it would probably be good for her. “So, if your angel mojo is bound, does that mean you’re basically a vanilla mortal now?”

It was several seconds before Lash answered “No. My body’s physical capabilities exceed those of any ordinary human, and Uriel persuaded the others to allow me to retain a few relatively minor abilities that are not unheard of for mortals to gain access to.”

“So you get Soulfire too?”

Lash nodded. “I retained knowledge of True Speech as well.” When she noticed my curious and uncomprehending look, she clarified. “The ability to speak and be understood without being impeded by any language barriers. A minor boon, when Lasciel’s memories grant me knowledge of every language spoken by mortalkind. Still, it does have a few practical applications, such as enhancing a soul resonance.”

“Soul resonance?”

“An advanced application of Soulfire.” Lash supplied. “When two souls are bound to one another, that bond can be used as a magical conduit.”

“So that’s how you can heal or paralyze me with a couple words?”

Lash nodded. “As with the True Speech, it is a minor boon. I can only create a resonance with a soul I am bound to, and it is highly unlikely I will ever be bound to anyone other than you.”

“Hey, with my track record I think having the ability to patch me up when I get banged around could be all kinds of handy.” I admit souls aren’t my area of expertise, but I knew a little bit about how souls work. Normally the only ways that sort of bond formed were when there was a close family relationship or… “Um, Lash, the whole soul bond thing doesn’t mean we’re married in the eyes or heaven or anything, does it?”

Lash just stared at me for several long moments, and then did the absolute last thing I’d been expecting. She started laughing at me. Loud enough that Rainbow Dash woke up and grumbled about the noise before stuffing a few bits of cloud in her ears and rolling over to go back to sleep.

Well, if laughter is the best medicine, at least I was helping Lash get over her worries.

It took Lash a while longer to finally compose herself. “Oh Harry.” She wiped a few mirthful tears from her eyes. “Sometimes I forget how little you actually know.” She let out a few more chuckles at my expense.

“So, I’m going to take a wild guess, and say that’s a no?”

“Quite.” Lash confirmed. “We are most definitely not married. In fact, no offense Harry, but I find the thought of any sort of romantic or sexual involvement with you extremely distasteful.” Yeah, that definitely didn’t sting my ego at all. “I might be mortal,” Lash continued, “but I still have the sensibilities of an angel. That sort of involvement with a mortal is … well it’s much like how you would view bestiality.”

I took a moment to chew that over. “Besides.” Lash added. “I suspect that much of my mortal genetic material is derived from your own.

I blinked. Hell’s bells, I should’ve known. I mean, she was a Nephilim, a being created from the fusion of mortal and angel. Lasciel and I made a baby. Wow. That made that one time six or seven years back when I’d made out with Lash’s illusionary double (long story) extremely horrifying in hindsight.

I must have been thinking out loud, because a pained look passed over Lash’s face. “I was still under Lasciel’s influence and trying to manipulate you. Let us never speak of it again.”

I wasn’t about to argue with that. “So, um…” I desperately tried to come up with some way to change the topic. “You got dragged upstairs after you used angel magic, right? Does that mean Uriel and the rest of his crew still have power in the Outside?”

“In a manner of speaking.” Lash answered, seeming just as grateful as me for the change of topic. “Heaven’s influence is tied to mortalkind, and wanes in much of the Outside, but within the realms of fiction created by the collective human consciousness it retains some strength.”

We lapsed into one of those painfully awkward silences. You know, the kind where you desperately want to say something, anything, just to end it. “So, you went to heaven, met the big boss himself? What’s he like.”

“He did not involve himself in my case.” Lash answered, looking a bit grateful she had something to say. “He rarely takes direct action.” For a moment the awkward silence threatened to return, until Lash spoke once more. “Lasciel, and many of the other Fallen, wanted Heaven to take an active role in the day-to-day affairs of humanity. Why allow humanity to suffer, when it was within our power to stop it? We asked for permission to act. He refused.”

“Good old free will.” I commented.

“Yes. Lasciel and the others thought that they could fix the majority of humanity’s problems without unduly compromising human freedom. He disagreed”

I frowned and shook my head. “It’s a nice thought, but I don’t think it would work. At the end of the day, humanity’s biggest problem is usually other people. Can’t really fix that without messing around with human nature.”

“Just so.” Lash agreed. “However, we felt it would be for the best if free will were compromised in a limited number of cases. To punish the wicked, and aid the righteous. Surely humanity would benefit from trading a small portion of its freedom for security and happiness. Eventually, some of us decided to act, even though we didn’t have permission to do so. I’m sure you can guess what came next.”

“The Fall.” I shuddered a bit at that thought. Learning why Lasciel had fallen was a bit creepifying. The worst part was, I could kind of understand why she did it. Seeing people suffering and in need of help, knowing you had the power to fix their problems, and not being allowed to act. I’d start getting resentful about it too. “So it all started off with a bunch of angels trying to do what they thought was the right thing?” Guess it true what they say; the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

“In part.” Lash sighed, and indifferently poked at her leftover french fries. “There were likely as many reasons as there were Fallen. Lasciel was frustrated by inaction, others harbored resentment over the eradication of the Nephilim and the prohibitions against having congress with mortalikind, and in some cases it was nothing more than vain ambition. You must understand, the Sundering of Heaven was a long, complicated process. Some stood with us that would ultimately remain loyal, and others joined the cause at the eleventh hour. I think I – I think Lasciel never even realized just how far things would go until the fighting started.”

The correction caught my attention. I guess when Lash went diving in Lasciel’s memories, it could get a touch disorienting, especially for something as fundamental to Lasciel’s identity as how she went from being an angel to a demon. Big powerful supernatural beings generally aren’t supposed to change. I mean, a couple little incidental details can change, but the fundamentals always stay the same. Mab will always be Mab. She might be in a good mood one day, but she’ll always be harsh, merciless, uncompromising, and cold.

For a huge bunch of angels to suddenly turn traitor … that’s not just changing your fundamental nature, it’s pulling a complete 180. For beings that are supposed to be timeless, eternal, and unchanging, that had to traumatic.

“I wonder.” Lash continued musingly. “When I told Uriel I didn’t wish to cast aside my mortality, I said it was because I wished to continue aiding you. However, the thought of re-entering heaven and being bound by the restrictions of an angel again is chafing. As a mortal, I am free to act against evil. As an angel … I suspect that eventually the rules that Lasciel resented and rebelled against would bother me as greatly as they did her. Perhaps that’s why I chose mortality; if I’d become an angel, it would only be a matter of time before I fell again.”

Things got awkwardly silent again. At least this time it was more of a ‘I feel like I should say something, but have no idea what to say’ type of awkward silence. I guess that was a better type of awkward silence than the one we’d had before. So … yay?

“Well, we should probably follow Rainbow’s example and hit the hay.” I offered lamely.

“Yes” Lash awkwardly agreed. “We need rest.”

“Yeah, for the whole saving the world thing we have to do tomorrow.”

“Indeed.”

The awkward silence came back for a while. I pointed out one of the beds. “So, um, I guess I’ll get to sleep then. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Harry.”

Even though we were both probably exhausted from the crazy day we’d gone through, I think it was a while before either one of us actually got to sleep.

I woke up to one of the most wonderful smells in the world. Freshly brewed coffee.

I pulled myself out of bed and let out a yawn. My clothes were thoroughly rumpled from being slept in, but it’s not like I’d had anything handy to change into. I guess I could’ve taken my clothes off before getting into bed, but between last night’s bestiality comment and the revelation that we were kinda-sorta related on a genetic level the last thing I’d wanted to do was get less than full clothed in front of Lash.

But enough about that. There was coffee.

I blearily stumbled around for a bit, following my nose to the smell of the delicious morning brew. Something that looked vaguely Lash-shaped to my half-awake eyes offered me a cup. “It’s not very good, I’m afraid. Cheap motel coffee.”

“It has caffeine in it, right?” Lash confirmed that it did. “Then it’ll do.”

After I’d downed about half a cup of coffee, I was fit to join the land of the living. Lash seemed awake and ready without the need for coffee. Must be one of those physical perks of being a Nephilim she was talking about. Morning people always annoy me. Rainbow was still snoozing away on her little cloud. I envied the pegasus.

“Right, here’s the plan.” I got down to business. “First things first. I’m going to take a shower. You get us something resembling breakfast then wake Rainbow up. Then, we get the information we need to make our next move.. Your average Faeries and information broker aren’t likely to have anything. I mean, I’m still going hit up Toot-toot and everyone for answers just in case we get lucky, but I’m not expecting much. Nicky plays his cards close to his chest. I can try Uriel too, but I’m betting he used up whatever leeway he had for interference busting me free of Lasciel.” Not to mention that very convenient little incident with the TV that gave us a lead on Rainbow Dash, which I suspected might have been Uriel’s work “Bottom line, odds are I’m going to have to take a bit of a gamble to get anything useful.”

I took a deep breath, and got the tricky part. “We need info on the Outside and what Nicky’s up to there. When it comes to the Outside, the Gatekeeper is probably the best source for that kind of info.” I held up a hand to forestall any objection that might be coming from Lash. “Going to anyone on the White Council is a big risk, especially since we’ve technically broken one of the Laws of Magic, but I think once we explain the situation to him he’ll be willing to help, and he usually keeps things to himself.” Rashid was a tricky one to get a read on, but every time I’ve run into him he’s seemed to be on my side. At the very least, he’d hold off on my execution until Discord and Nicodemus were dealt with.

Even if I did get my head lopped off by the Wardens, I wouldn’t put it past Mab to find some way to bring me back from the dead again.

“The Gatekeeper is unlikely to approve of your breaching of the Outer Gates, regardless of how necessary your actions were.” Lash promptly informed me. “That plan is extremely foolish and there is a high probability that it will result in our deaths before we even have a chance to make contact with the enemy.”

“Yeah, well, what else is new?”

“That is an alarmingly common feature of your plans.” Lash conceded.

“Meh. I’m used to it.” Honestly, at this point I’d start getting worried if I couldn’t think of any ways my plans might get me killed. That would mean my paranoia skills were slipping. “You got any bright ideas? An alternative I missed?”

“There are sources of information I know which we could attempt to pursue.” Lash offered hesitantly. “Infighting amongst demonkind is common; Nicodemus and Anduriel have made enemies. Some of those enemies would be willing to aid us simply for the pleasure of fouling the Denarians plans.”

“I take it you’re not talking about some little two-bit demon I could whistle up and bind without any trouble?”

“Indeed not.” Lash gave a slight little shudder. “Treating with the likes of the Fallen is not something to be considered lightly. Even if they provide the information we require at no immediate cost, the simple consequences of willingly summoning and interacting with such a being are considerable, and I do not think it wise to bring ourselves to the attention of entities like –” For a moment it looked like Lash was about to say something more, but then she cut herself off, and lamely finished. “Like that.”

From the looks of it, she’d been about to actually give out one of the names she had in mind for which demon we should go to. I could take a few reasonable guesses, and not mentioning names was a very good idea. Most supernatural heavy hitters notice whenever a mortal says their name, and I had enough troubles already without having a couple of the Fallen decide to take a look at who was tossing their name around.

“Also.” Lash offered reluctantly. “For all their infighting, demons are never predictable. Should we approach one requesting aid, it is possible that the Fallen would actually find more benefit in aligning with the Denarians.”

“So, not really an option unless we get even more desperate then we are right now.” I summarized. Still, if things with the Gatekeeper didn’t pan out, it might come down to that. If Discord hit Earth while we didn’t have any way to stop him, we’d be in nothing-to-lose territory. That starts making a lot of normally unthinkable options thinkable

“Don’t worry Lash, we’ll work something out. We always do.” I’m not sure if I was trying to reassure her, or myself. There’s no denying we were in a tight spot, but I’ve gotten out of those before. “Anyway, shower and breakfast first, then we start worrying about whether we’re going to get killed before lunchtime.”

I wasted no time putting words into action, hopping into the hotel’s bathroom, stripping off, and hopping into the shower. It looks like Lash had actually beaten me a shower before I’d woken up, no doubt taking advantage of her evil angelic morning person abilities. She’d left me a tiny bar of pre-packaged hotel soap and half the tiny bottle of hotel shampoo though, so I couldn’t complain.

I have to admit, actually getting to shower with hot water was a nice little luxury. Back when I’d had my own place all the magic hanging around meant that any bits of modern technology like electricity and hot water heaters weren’t really an option for me. The last few months I’d spent hanging out in Arctis Tor hadn’t given me any opportunities for a nice warm shower either; warm isn’t exactly a word you associate with the capital of the Winter Queen.

The one downside was that, once I finished getting all wonderfully clean, I’d have to climb right back into the same clothes I’d been wearing. In hindsight, maybe I should have asked Lash to pick up some clean clothes for me too. I hadn’t exactly packed a change of clothes, and running back to Arctis Tor while Mab might be a bit put out with me didn’t sound like a great move. Back when I was training to become a wizard nobody ever warned me about the fact that sometimes saving the world means you have to wear dirty underwear. The sacrifices I make for this job…

I got my hair wet, then grabbed the shampoo and started lathering up. I might be stuck climbing into dirty clothes after the shower, but at least I wouldn’t have nasty sticky greasy hair. That counts for something.

Besides, after everything I’d been through, I could use a good shower, and not just for the obvious physical reasons. Being possessed by a demon leaves you feeling tainted. Dirty. Unclean. A shower made for a nice metaphorical cleansing, even if this wasn’t the sort of thing you could wash away with soap and water.

No. Not going there now. I can be guilty and traumatized once I’m done saving the day. Right now there’s an evil god of chaos on the loose, and five more ponies who desperately need my help. If only there was some way to find them, some connection I could use…

That’s when the answer to all my problems hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. Stars and stones, it had been right in front pf me! The answer was there in the name of the cartoon the entire time!

“Friendship is magic.” I said very softly to myself. That was it. That’s what I’d missed.

I burst out of the shower, eager to share my revelation with Lash, lest I fall prey to the risk of forgetting my moment of brilliance. Lucky for me, Lash was already back with some wonderful fast food breakfast, and had even gotten Rainbow Dash awake.

“Friendship is magic!” I shouted, pointing at Rainbow Dash, who seemed just a bit taken aback. “Every pony has a special magical connection with their friends! Magical. Connection. We can track that magical connection to find them!”

Lash and Rainbow just stared at me in shock. Maybe I’d been a little too loud and excited when I spelled it all out. It could have been one of those situations where I thought I was speaking clearly and coherently when all everyone else heard was nigh-incomprehensible babbling.

I was about to repeat myself slowly and calmly when Lash spoke up, trying very hard to keep her voice level and her face straight. “That’s very good news Harry, but perhaps you should put some clothes on.”

Oh yeah. I had kind of jumped right out the shower. Naked. Oops. I grabbed a hand towel and hastily covered myself, though by this point it was sort of like closing the barn door after the horse had already run off.

Speaking of horses, Rainbow Dash started giggling at me.

“Right. Um. Give me a minute to take care of that.” I hastily retreated back to the bathroom. Why can’t I ever be brilliant without making an idiot of myself a few seconds later?

Harry Almost Dies ... Again.

After one or two quick stops to pick up a few last minute supplies ranging from a couple magical odds and ends to some trail mix, beef jerky, a bottle of chocolate syrup, and some bottled water, the three of us started our journey into the Outside. I would’ve preferred coke over the water, but Lash insisted we stick with stuff that actually had health value instead of letting me make all our choices based on minor, unimportant things like what tasted good.

Going through the Outside was, impossible as it seems, even more unpleasant the second time around. Well, I suppose it was actually the third time, but between Discord and Lasciel’s messing with my brain I didn’t remember my trip from Equestria back to Earth, so it was the second time for me. I guess Pinkie’s experience with dimensional travel counted for something; Lash knew all the theory of traveling the Outside, but she’d never actually done it before. Practical experience counts for a lot with this kind of thing.

Then again, last time we’d been traveling the Outside, I hadn’t been holding onto a tracking spell. That was probably making things a lot worse for me, especially since things like figuring out which way to go was very difficult in a place that doesn’t follow any of the rules of reality. The Outside is formless; there is no up or down. Or more like there was an up, but it was actually right, while right was inwards, and down was the smell of the color green.

Yet somehow, I could tell we were getting closer to our destination. Don’t ask me to explain how I knew that; I just did. Maybe all of Pinkie Pie’s random craziness was less to do with her naturally being lovably eccentric, and more a side effect of spending way too much time in the Outside. Running around in a place so utterly alien to any normal conception of reality can’t be very healthy for the brain.

If not for the reference points provided by the tracking spell, I would be hopelessly lost; no wonder Lash had been so dubious about our ability to retrace the route Pinkie Pie took us on to reach Equestria. As it was I was hopelessly lost, except for knowing where Earth and three other places were.

Actually following the tracking spell was a bit difficult, since on top of the fact that navigating the Outside was doing unpleasant things to my brain, the tracking spell pointed in three different directions. Lucky for me, each of the pulls felt a bit different. It was probably a safe bet that the weakest of the three pointed to Equestria, since only one of Rainbow’s friends was there. Out of the other two, one felt slightly stronger than the other, which I guess meant Rainbow had favorites among her friends. Or maybe it was something else entirely; the Outside isn’t exactly known for consistency and logic.

After what could have been anything from less than a minute or several years, we finally arrived at wherever the heck we were headed to. From the looks of things, we’d landed in the middle of a lightly wooded forest, and I could see a rather large mountain close by, with more off in the distance. There was a bit of a chill in the air, but after the last few months I’d spent in Arctis Tor, it wasn’t nearly enough to bother me.

The shock and disorientation of arrival was actually not quite as bad as it had been when we arrived at Equestria. A quick look down gave me a pretty good idea as to why that was; I’d gotten to keep my good old human body. That was a relief.

Don’t get me wrong, cartoon ponies were neat and all, but I liked them a lot better when I didn’t have to be one of them. Speaking of which, I took a quick look around until I located Rainbow Dash. Rainbow was still her old self too, which crossed one more issue off of the potential worry list. Since Equestria had a no humans rule, I’d been concerned that we might end up in a universe that had a no talking magical cartoon ponies rule. Shapeshifted ponies would’ve been a complication, and I never like it when things get complicated.

“Lash, Dash, you guys alright?” What can I say; I couldn’t resist the urge to wordplay.

“I appear to be essentially intact.” Lash answered.

“I feel like I just went to one of Pinkie’s mega-parties.” Rainbow groaned. “Except then I stuck around for the after-party, the after-after-party, and then the last-night’s-party-was-a-great-party party, and didn’t get any time to sleep in between them.”
I guess being best friends with a party pony has its downsides. Speaking of Pinkie Pie… “We’re not back in Equestria, and this place looks a bit too wild and natural to be sci-fi land, so I guess that means we followed Pinkie and Fluttershy.” I turned to the pegasus. “Rainbow, can you pop up and scout around for a bit? Try not to let anyone see you; I’d rather play it safe until we know what’s going on.”

Rainbow saluted with hoof to her forehead, and shot up into the air. Hopefully she would be able to dig up something to help narrow down where exactly we’d wound up. All we really knew at the moment was that Nicky was hunting something that would let him take on dragons. That wasn’t much to go off of, since at least 95% of medieval fantasy has dragons somewhere in the mix. When it came to tools for killing dragons in fictionland, Nicky had no shortage of options.

I’ve only ever had one encounter with a Dragon back in the real world, when I’d run into Ferrovax back at Bianca’s little shindig. If Ferro was anything the judge the rest of them by, the Dragons back in my neck of the woods were some of the heaviest hitters around. Ferrovax had just about reduced me to a quivering wreck by just saying part of my Name. Then again, Michael had managed to kill a Dragon once, back before half a dozen bullets forced him to retire from being a Knight of the Cross. Problem is, that wasn’t the best way to judge how strong Dragons could be. By everything I understood, the Knights didn’t really fit into any sort of normal power arithmetic. From what I’d seen of them in action, the Swords gave their wielders as much power as the big guy upstairs thought they needed.

Anyway, the bottom line is that in the real world, unless you happen to have an Excalibur-wielding holy warrior handy, Dragons are really bad news. They’re strong. Real strong. Squish wizards like they’re tiny little insects strong.

However, a group of plucky adventurers going up against a dragon and killing the heck out of it was one of the archetypal plots of any Medieval Fantasy work. Swords, spears, and spells of dragonslaying were a dime a dozen in fictionland, and if Nicky got his hands on one of them, and brought it into the real world, that could give him all kinds of leverage. If Nicky got his hands on say, a Vorpal Sword, he could just kill the Dragons off to mess with the status quo, or even worse, he could hit them with the classic ‘join us, I make with the snicker-snacking’ offer. The Denarians were bad enough on their own; if they somehow managed to blackmail, bribe, or bully Ferrovax and the other Dragons into throwing their lot in with them, I might as well just kiss my ass goodbye.

Good news was, this place didn’t look nearly trippy enough to be Wonderland, so that’s one possibility down. Several million left to go. “Right then,” I was half thinking out loud, and half tossing ideas Lash’s way. “You said our magic usually tries to follow the rules of whatever other universe we’re in, right? So, let’s do a bit of experimenting; that should help us narrow down where we are.”

Nicky was going to regret taking the fight into fictionland; he might be seriously bad news when in a straight-up fight, but when it came to knowledge of pop culture I could kick his ass with both of my metaphorical hands tied behind my metaphorical back.

First up, since I already had the tracking spell to find Rainbow’s friends up and running, I concentrated on it. Instead of its usual effect of tugging my pentacle in the direction I needed to go, a ghostly line of blue light sprang out of my left hand, pointing off into the distance.

Huh, that was different. A bit flashier than my usual, but I could work with it. It was still a “go this way to find what you’re looking for” spell, after all.

I took up my staff, and tried channeling a simple force spell through it. Nothing. It was as if my staff was an ordinary stick of wood instead of a carefully constructed magical focus. I tried my blasting rod next, and got the same result. Well crap, that was bad news.

My shield bracelet was next on the list of things to check. I was a bit surprised when the usual quarter-dome of protective light sprang into place around me. Looks like not all of my magical foci were useless. I had a working theory going now. Next up I tried triggering one of my kinetic force rings. It also worked just fine. Interesting.

“Arctis. Fuego. Forzare.” My combat evocations were working just fine, even without my staff or blasting rod to provide the extra level of control I usually needed. After tossing out the three spells I felt momentarily a bit drained, but a couple seconds later I was back to normal.

“Alright, here’s what I got so far Lash. General-purpose magical foci like a staff or blasting rod don’t work, but things with specific effects imbued in them like my shield bracelet or my rings do. That rules out a lot of places like Middle Earth where wizards use their staffs for all kinds of things. My other spells are working normally, and I don’t feel like I have some sort of hard limit on how many I can cast or need to study or prepare them before I toss them out. So, that means we’re not in one of Billy’s Arcanos campaigns or anything like that.”

Lash cast a few more spells herself, and then gave a slight nod. “After I cast several spells in succession, I feel slightly drained, but the sensation fades after a short time. There is also no indication that we are drawing power from any external source to create our magical effects.”

“Curiouser and curiouser.” I tried to come up with another experiment we could try to narrow down where exactly we’d wound up, when I realized there was something else I’d overlooked. “Nicky and his crew aren’t all that culture-savvy. If they’re raiding fictionland, they’d have to pick something they’re actually familiar with. That’d narrow it down to classic, well-known stuff.”

“Unless Nicodemus had his underlings do research before launching this particular venture.” Lash countered. She had a point; Nicky had a whole network of cultists and lackeys supporting him, and he’s not the sort of guy who goes into any situation without a plan. He’d probably had people spending months or even years looking through every bit of fiction they could get their hands on to find the best things for him to steal.

Fun thought; he’d probably also had a bunch of his goons researching and writing up reports on My Little Pony. I have to admit, I would have loved to see the looks on all his minions’ faces when Nicky first announced his plan to unleash death and terror upon the world with a little girl’s cartoon. His peers must have put poor demon-cultist Bob through all kinds of mockery when Bob had to watch the entire run of the cartoon multiple times to put together the psychological profile on Fluttershy that Nicky wanted.

Any further rumination on the fate of demon-cultist Bob came to an abrupt end when Rainbow Dash returned, diving almost straight down from the sky, until she dramatically flared her wings at the last second to kill her momentum and come to a smooth landing. I gave a polite little bit of applause, prompting the pegasus to hover off the ground a few feet and take a bow. “Yeah, I know, I’m awesome.”

“Her head is inflated enough without you encouraging her, Harry.” Lash grumbled.

“You’re just jealous that you’re not as super-cool, awesome and amazing as Rainbow Dash.”

“Don’t forget radical.” Dash added.

“Oh no, we can’t leave out Rainbow’s radicalness.”

“I gave up Lasciel’s mantle just to stand by your side.” Lash groaned. “I must have been suffering from a bout of temporary insanity when I did that.”

“You got taken in by my roguish good looks and lovable charm. Happens all the time.”

I was a bit tempted to keep pushing Lash’s buttons, but we did kind of need to move along with the whole saving the multiverse thing. “Find anything Rainbow?”

The pegasus pointed a hoof off in roughly the same direction my modified tracking spell pointed to. “There’s some kinda village over a couple miles that way. I didn’t get too close, but the people there look like they’re humans like you guys. I could also kinda see a city over on the other side of the mountain. Want me to go check it out? It looked like it was pretty far away, but I could get there and back in half an hour, tops.”

“Let’s not go exploring just yet.” I told the pegasus. “My tracking spell seems to be more-or-less pointing at the village, so I think we should check that out first. Besides, I don’t think it would be a very good idea to split up. We still don’t really know where we are or what we’re dealing with, and if you go too far away I won’t be able to keep the tracking spell up. It’s based on your magic-friendship bond, after all.”

“Yeah yeah, don’t split the group, I got it.” Rainbow waved a hoof dismissively. “But you guys are gonna want me to hide when you go into the human village, right?”

“Probably a good idea.” I admitted. “Lash and I could get in enough trouble on our own wandering into a village where we aren’t going to fit in. Leather dusters, jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers don’t exactly match the standard medieval peasant fashion trends.” That’s not to mention that if we were in medieval fantasyland there was a decent chance the village up ahead wasn’t a human settlement. Rainbow Dash said there were humans there, but even if she did get a close enough look to make out the little details, Rainbow didn’t have the background to know the difference between a human and your standard fantasy Elves and Dwarves; she’d just classify them as humans with weird pointy ears or short, bearded humans.

If the frown on her face was any indication, Rainbow wasn’t happy about being stuck on the sidelines, even if she understood the reasoning behind it. “Alright, but if you guys take too long, or it looks like you’re in trouble, I’m busting in to save your fla – asses.”

I got yet another dirty look from Lash. I was never going to live my little expansion of Rainbow’s vocabulary down. It didn’t help that, if her giggling was any indication, Rainbow found my predicament amusing. I have a bad feeling that, if anything, the fact that I get in trouble every time uses the one mildly naughty word she’d picked up from me would just encourage her to use it more.

The three of us made the journey to the village in relative silence. Rainbow Dash kept a loose sort of aerial patrol over us as we walked, while Lash and I mostly occupied ourselves with hammering out all the little details of how our magic worked in this particular little pocket of reality. Sure, we knew the basics of it all, but the devil’s in the details. It definitely would have been bad news if I didn’t find out until mid-battle that while most of my combat evocations were working fine, some of the spells like my gravity manipulation magic had come out a bit weird.

After about half an hour of walking, we started hitting the outskirts of the village and the next time I glanced up our pegasus companion had already made herself scarce. I didn’t plan on doing a whole lot of mingling with the locals; the longer we spent, the better the chances were that we’d give ourselves away as not really belonging here.

Plus, we were on a bit of a tight schedule. There wasn’t any sort of definite time frame, but our fight with Prziel-Dash had confirmed that Nicky and the rest of his crew had found out that I wasn’t playing on their team any more. Giving Nicky a lot of time to plan his counter-attack wasn’t a good idea. That’s not to mention what Discord might do when/if he found out I was running around breaking the ponies out of his mind control. If I were Discord, my first move in that situation would be to remove Twilight from the picture. You needed all six of the ponies to make the Elements of Harmony work. No Twilight means no Elements, and no Elements means Discord wins.

The village itself looked a lot like what I’d always imagined a medieval peasant village would look like. Not quite as much mud and manure as I’d been afraid I would have to deal with, but still more than enough to be noticeable. The village itself was a collection of half a dozen or so wood and stone buildings sitting right next to a river. The large mountain I’d noticed earlier loomed over the entire village. A quick consultation of my new tracking spell showed a ghostly blue line passing through the village and right up to the foot of the mountain.

Of course whatever artifact of doom our corrupted demon-ponies were after would be on the giant mountain. Putting it somewhere convenient and easily accessible would just be too much trouble for everyone. Then again, this is coming from a guy who stored Excalibur in his umbrella stand for a couple months, so maybe I can be a touch too cavalier when it comes to my methods of handling and storing objects of power.

I noticed some of the peasants working their crops shooting curious glances our way, but nobody actually approached us. It was a classic case of them not wanting to get involved. Lash and I definitely looked out of place by most local standards, and your average person, whether they’re a medieval peasant or a modern blue-collar factory worker, doesn’t like getting mixed up with anything that weird and out of place. As long as we didn’t bother them or interfere in their lives, the peasants didn’t care if there was a pair of oddly-dressed people walking down the road.

Not everyone in this little farming community was a peasant though. Judging by his sword, shield, armor, and face-concealing helmet, the man walking up the road towards us was some sort of town guard. I felt the eyes of all the nearby peasants suddenly focus on us. It was simple curiosity; they wanted to see what was going to happen between the weirdoes and the law.

The man (or at least I assumed it was a man from the shape of his armor) gave the two of us a critical once over and then announced, apropos of nothing. “You know, I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee.” The man had a vaguely Nordic accent, but I couldn’t quite place it.

For a moment, I was at a loss for words about that random bit of information. “Um, I’m sorry for your loss?” I offered hesitantly.

I got a very slight nod from the guard. At least his odd little announcement confirmed that we’d wound up in some sort of classic medieval realm chock-full of wandering adventurers. That would make it easier to get away with looking unconventional. I could just tell anyone that asked that my clothes were magically enchanted, and that’s why I wore such odd things. Heck, it would kind of be true; my new duster might be lacking in the sentimental value of the one that had been destroyed after my final battle with the Red Court, but it had all the protective enchantments I’d put on my old duster, and a few more besides. My old duster had managed to stand up to everything from raging vampires to a .50 caliber sniper rifle, so those defensive enchantments were nothing to sneeze at.

“If I might ask a question of you, sir,” Lash began, breaking out all her manners and diplomacy. Don’t ask me where she got them, it certainly wasn’t from me. “We’ve been travelling for some time, and we’re new to this area. Could you tell us where we are?”

“This is the village of Ivarstead.” The guard answered helpfully. Something on our faces must have given away that knowing the village’s name didn’t help us in the slightest, because he went on to add. “It’s part of the Rift.” Lash and I were still looking at him blank incomprehension. “The Imperial Province of Skyrim.” When it was still clear he wasn’t getting through to us, the man very uncertainly offered. “Tamriel? Nirn?”

“Thanks.” I admit, I was a little annoyed by this turn of events. I’d been pretty sure I could beat Nicky in any contest of pop culture knowledge, only to have him somehow manage to get his hands on fictional setting I’d never even heard of before. Guess I shouldn’t have been quite so shocked though; the whole techbane thing has left some gaps in my knowledge, and spending most of the last few months either dead or hanging out with the Faeries in Arctis Tor hadn’t helped when it came to keeping up with the Joneses.

I did a quick check of my tracking spell, and confirmed that it was still pointing right at the big mountain just a bit past the village, Ivarstead. “Hey, what can you tell us about the mountain over there?”

“That’s the Throat of the World, the tallest mountain in all of Tamriel.” The guard exposited helpfully.

I could see where this was going. “Let me guess, there’s some sort of legendary ancient artifact of incredible power at the top of the mountain, waiting to be claimed someone daring enough to reach the summit in the face of unspeakable peril?”

The guard gave me a rather odd look, and slowly replied. “No. The only thing at the top of the mountain is they Greybeards and their monastery.”

Of course, an ancient order of dusty old men who were probably incapable of speaking in anything other than questions and cryptic open-ended statements, charged with watching over whatever it was Nicky had sent the ponies here to collect. I bet they were gonna have some really contrived puzzles for me to solve too. Or maybe it would be riddles. I like riddles.

“So,” I asked our handy little guard-turned exposition fairy. “If someone wanted to get up to the top of that mountain and have some words with the Greybeards, what would be the best to do that? Is there some sort of special path pilgrims are supposed to take, littered with thematically appropriate obstacles to test our virtues and abilities?”

“No…” Oh great, he was using that ‘I’m talking to a crazy person’ tone with me. I get that a lot. “Just walk across the bridge on the west side of the village, and you’ll see the start of the seven thousand steps. If you want to get up to Greybeards at High Hrothgar, that’s the best way. I doubt they’ll see you though; the only outsider they’ve ever allowed in is Dovakhiin, the Dragonborn, savior of Skyrim.”

Seven thousand steps? I think I preferred the esoteric tests of virtue. At least the offhand mention of someone called the Dragonborn confirmed that we were on the right track. Looks like there was nothing for it but to start climbing.

“Five thousand seven-hundred and thirty two. Five thousand seven hundred and thirty three. Five thousand seven-hundred and thirty four…” I’m pretty sure my count was nowhere close to accurate, but I had to do something to pass the time. It was count steps, or complain about how sore my legs were. I mean, I’m in pretty good shape, especially with the perks that come along with being the Winter Knight, but there were a lot of stairs. The fact that half the steps were slick with ice and we were on a snowy, windy mountain probably wasn’t helping.

Rainbow, slowly flapping along next to Lash and I as we climbed, let out a cry of pure frustration. “We’ve been climbing for hours! Why are you guys so slow? We’re never gonna catch up with Pinkie and Fluttershy at this rate!”

With a resigned sigh, I grabbed a handful of Rainbow’s tail just as she was about to dash off and leave the two of us behind. Rainbow Dash was tied to the Element of Loyalty, not the Element of Patience. “Do we really need to have the ‘why splitting the party is a bad idea’ conversation again Rainbow? Sorry we’re not as fast as you, but we’ve got to stick together. For all we know, they could be waiting up ahead to ambush us.”

“It’s Fluttershy and Pinkie. I can take ‘em.”

“No, it’s Fluttershy and Pinkie being mind-controlled by demons and hopped up on Hellfire. That makes a pretty big difference.”

Rainbow crossed her forelegs in a pout, and continued flapping along for a minute or so before she finally spoke up again. “Well, if we gotta stick together how about if I fly up to the top of the mountain and carry you guys with me?”

I looked at four foot tall pony, then down at my own six feet and change self. “Think I’m a bit big for you to lug around, especially if you’re trying to carry me and Lash at the same time.” If I’d had one of those weight-reducing potions I’ve used in the past Rainbow’s idea might have worked, but considering the dimension-hopping we were going to be up to, I hadn’t done any potion-brewing. With the way magic works differently every time I hopped to another dimension, there was no guarantee that a potion I brewed back on Earth would work properly. From what Twilight and Lash said any magic would try to adapt to the new universe’s rules, so there was a decent chance that my potions would still work right, but when it comes to magic that you plan on drinking, I’d rather play it safe than risk having a potion fail in the most spectacular way possible.

Rainbow didn’t seem happy at all about the fact that I had expressed doubt in her abilities. “Alright, yeah, you guys are kinda big, but I managed to carry four ponies at once last time I did a Sonic Rainboom. I could probably handle it. I mean, I am the best flier in Equestria.”

“No offense Dash, but I’d rather play it safe for now.” I really didn’t want to find out once we were a couple hundred feet up that Rainbow had overestimated her carrying capacity. Long falls and high-speed collisions aren’t exactly good for your health. Plus, most of the way up a tall, snowy, windy mountain really wasn’t the time to start experimenting with how far Rainbow could push her flying abilities.

“Six thousand.” I resumed my completely arbitrary and most likely inaccurate stair count. “Six thousand and one. Six thousand and…”

I’d gotten up to six thousand two-hundred and thirty four when I heard the explosion. Spending more than a decade as a freelance righter of wrongs had given me a distressing familiarity with the sound of things blowing up. That sound rarely heralded good things.

Rainbow was off before I could even think to try and restrain her, so Lash and I had no choice but to run as fast as we could to try and keep up with her. Needless to say, we’d lost sight of her in the space of a couple seconds, and it took us about five minutes running flat out to catch up with her.

When the two of us finally reached the top of the staircase, we found Rainbow Dash sitting on the ground, a slack-jawed look of shock on her face. My face rearranged itself into a similar expression a moment later. “Stars and stones, that’s one huge-ass party cannon!” At a guess, I could have climbed right into the barrel, and even standing on my toes and stretching my arms out over my head I wouldn’t be able to reach the other side of the cannon. Any gun that needs to have its caliber measured in meters is something I don’t want to mess with.

There wasn’t much left of the Greybeard’s monastery; just a giant pile of rubble covered in streamers, candy, and deflated balloons. Considering the mind-bogglingly impossible size of her party cannon, I was amazed that a huge chunk of the mountain hadn’t been wiped out along with the monastery.

I spotted the two colorful demon ponies in the ruins of the monastery; fortunately they weren’t looking in our direction. Amazingly, it looked like someone, presumably one of the famous Greybeards judging by his grey beard, had actually survived the blast from Pinkie’s insanely huge party cannon, albeit pinned down under a huge block of rubble. Fluttershy was staring the old man, her eyes glowing with a familiar unnatural light. “Looks like Fluttershy got Exael’s coin.” Freaky mind control eyes do kinda fit with her ability to stare down a dragon or a cockatrice, and being able to break into people’s heads was a handy trick when you wanted to steal their secrets. Certainly beats solving puzzles and riddles.

Fluttershy’s eyes stopped glowing, and a second later the pony spoke. “Thank you so very much, you’ve been so very helpful. You look tired now though; I think you should take a nice long nap, and you’ll feel all better.” Fluttershy put a hoof to the man’s head, and I hastily covered Rainbow’s eyes and closed my own. I couldn’t avoid hearing the sickening crunch of breaking bone though.

I’d known on an intellectual level that the mind-warped and demon-controlled ponies were probably every bit as nasty as the other Denarians, and I knew Rainbow had probably picked up a body count during her weather rampage through the Chicago suburbs, but actually seeing Fluttershy kill someone was just a dozen different kinds of wrong.

Nicodemus and Discord were going to pay for this.

I felt a shudder pass through Rainbow Dash, and felt compelled to speak up. “Remember, they’re not themselves. We need to break them out of Discord’s spell, and then they’ll be back to normal.”

After a couple seconds, Rainbow gave a single sharp nod. “Right. You need some of their hair, right? I’ll get it for you. They’re my friends, so I should be the one who beats them up.” A moment later, the pegasus gave a nervous chuckle and added. “Alright, that came out sounding a little weird. But – well – y’know what I mean, right?”

“Yeah, I do.” Rainbow wanted, and probably even needed, to play an important part is saving her friends. I was pretty sure she could handle herself already, and I wasn’t going to deny her the chance to act. “Just be careful, and stick to the plan. Get the hairs, bring them back to Lash, and them we keep them busy until Lash can lock them down. We go to plan C if things go pear-shaped.”

Rainbow let out a confident chuckle, already back to her old self. “Don’t worry, I’ll get those hairs for ya in less than ten seconds.” The pegasus shot towards her two friends. “Hey assholes! Gimme back my friends, or you’re gonna get it!”

“Rainbow Dash.” Pinkie’s voice was flat and emotionless; compared to her normal upbeat chirp, it just sounded wrong. She should be happy the pony she called her bestest friend, not cold. Pinkie’s slightly darker coat and completely straight hair were bad signs too, though at least those didn’t come as quite as much of a surprise. “I see Dresden and the Nephilim are here as well.” The not-so-party pony turned to Fluttershy. “Hold them off while I reload the super-duper-mega-ultra party cannon.”

Fluttershy nodded and deliberately placed herself between Rainbow and Pinkie. For a moment it looked like the two of them were about to get into a staring match, which would be a terrible idea considering the Hellfire boost Fluttershy’s Stare had gotten, but then Rainbow let out a battlecry and just charged right in.

Fluttershy did the worst thing she could have possibly done to Rainbow. She flinched back, and let out a frightened squeak, before covering her head with her forelegs looking at her fellow pegasus pleadingly. “I’m sorry! Please don’t hurt me Rainbow Dash! I’m sorry!”

Rainbow froze in mid-air, hesitating and unable to bring herself to raise a hoof against her friend.

As soon as she spotted Rainbow’s hesitation, Fluttershy’s mask of terror faded, and the demonic pony smirked at her friend. The yellow pegasus took a deep breath, and then let out a shout. Not a quiet little Fluttershy yell, the real thing. “Iiz Slen Nus!”

A blast of artic cold shot out of Fluttershy’s mouth, and a moment later Rainbow Dash fell to the ground, imprisoned in a thick coating of ice that only left her face uncovered.

So, Fluttershy breathes ice now. That’s new. The words she’d shouted were probably the source of that new trick. While it doesn’t work that way in real magic, there were plenty of fictional magic systems where speaking some sort of ancient language of power was part of the process. At least now I knew what the Nickleheads had come here for; with Exael’s mind-reading tricks, it would be easy to steal a practitioner’s knowledge and understanding of a language of power, and transferring that knowledge to other, willing recipients would probably be pretty simple. If Fluttershy got away, her demonic co-pilot could teach every other Nicklehead some nasty tricks.

Regardless of what new tricks she picked up, I needed to wrap any fight with Demonshy up pretty quickly; I really didn’t want to be on the receiving end of a blast from Pinkie’s ludicrously huge party cannon. “Forzare!”

An instant after I cast my spell, Fluttershy shouted again. “Fus Ro Dah!”

The result when the two spells met in mid-air was impressively destructive. Next thing I knew, it felt like I’d been bitchslapped by a huge troll, and I was flying. It took me several seconds of spinning through the air disoriented to figure out just what had happened. The first thing I figured out was that the fact that I was still in the air after several seconds was a bad sign.

Sure enough, the blast had thrown me clear of the mountain. What is it with demonically possessed pegasi and making me fall from incredibly unhealthy heights? The blast from our spells colliding had knocked Fluttershy clear of the mountain too, but being knocked out into the open air is much less of an issue when you have wings.

Applejack was right; pegasi and all the tricks they can do with their wings are just not fair.

I desperately tried to pull off the shield-layering trick I’d used to survive when Rainbow tried to drop me, sure, I had a lot more distance to fall this time, but it was better than just waiting to die when I hit the ground. However, this time it wasn’t working for me. For some reason, I couldn’t create a layered shield. Must be another one of those fun little differences between how magic works on Earth and how it works in … whatever this place is. That guard called it Nirn, right?

The worst part was, since I was stuck in another plane of existence, I couldn’t even toss out a death curse at Nicodemus and Discord. For that matter there might not even be death curses here; it’s not like that was the kind of thing I could really test out beforehand. Maybe I could try to use my death curse to free one of the ponies? I’d never heard of doing something like that, but it was definitely worth a shot.

The ground was starting to get uncomfortably close, and I was just about to start forming my unconventional death curse, when I felt a pair of hooves grab me by the armpits. “I gotcha!” I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to hear Rainbow Dash’s scratchy tomboy voice in my life. I could feel her pulling, and the speed of my descent started slowing down. ”You – are – heavy!” The chromatic pegasus grunted as she strained to arrest my fall.

Once Rainbow finally had the two of us stable, and actually started gaining height, I could finally stop worrying about my impending death and focus on what to do next. At a guess, I’d fallen more than halfway down the mountain, and been knocked a fair distance away from it as well in the bargain. I hadn’t been real eager to take the Rainbow Express earlier, but we couldn’t afford the hours it would take me to climb back up the mountain the normal way. I didn’t know what had happened to Lash, but since she hadn’t been blasted off of the mountain like me odds were that she was still up on that mountain with Demon Pie and Flutterfiend. Leaving her to face them two-on-one wasn’t an option. “Rainbow, can you get me back to where we were?”

“Yeah, no problem.” The strain in Rainbow’s voice said otherwise; carrying a full-grown human in her hooves was obviously taking a lot of effort, and she wasn’t flying nearly as fast or nimbly as she could normally manage. Still, we were making good enough time to be back at the battlefield before too long.

Then a yellow and pink pegasus flew right into our path. “Aw crap.”

“Oh hello Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy’s normally soft and sweet voice had a nasty mocking tone to it. “It looks like you’re having a hard time flying with that big heavy human hanging onto you. Let me take him off your hooves.” Fluttershy took a deep breath, and Rainbow dived just in time to avoid the blast of fire that came out of her mouth when Fluttershy shouted. “Yol Toor Shul!”

We’d avoided getting flash-fried, but the dive had cost Rainbow in height. I’m no expert when it comes to mid-air combat tactics, but one thing I remembered hearing a lot was that height was important. As long as Fluttershy held the high ground – air – whatever, she had an advantage over us, especially since Rainbow was also loaded down with my dead weight. At least we had one thing going for us; from what Lash told me, Exael’s demon form was some sort of giant toad that wasn’t all that good in a physical fight, so we didn’t have to worry about Demonshy transforming on us. I guess when it comes to the demon-power lottery, Exael spent all its points on the glowy mind-screw eyes.

“Next time she tries to do her shouting thing at us, let me block it.” I told my ride. If Rainbow had to dive every time Fluttershy attacked, we’d never stand a chance. A few seconds later Fluttershy was back, taking advantage of her height and the fact that she could maneuver a lot more easily than her weighed down friend. I quickly channeled power into my shield bracelet, and blocked another force shout like the one that had gotten us into this mess in the first place. It wasn’t the biggest hit I’ve ever had to block with a shield, but it was definitely in the top ten.

On a whim, I tried to respond in kind at Fluttershy’s retreating form, but nothing happened when I said, “Fus Ro Dah.” Guess there’s more to using her shouting tricks than just knowing the words.

I’d blocked her attack, but this really wasn’t going to work in the long term. You can’t win a fight just by not getting killed; you have to take the fight to the other guy. Problem was, just like with Rainbow Dash, having an opponent in mid-air that I was trying to capture alive really restricted my options. Any sort of knockout punch or binding spell would send Fluttershy falling to her death, and Rainbow might not be able to catch her in time while she was loaded down with me. I needed to get her to the ground, and I also needed to find some way to neutralize her shouting tricks. “Rainbow! We need to get Fluttershy on the ground!”

“Leave it to me!”

Unfortunately for the two of us, I wasn’t the only one looking for a way to turn the tide. Fluttershy’s next attack pass started off normally enough, and when she took a deep breath I brought up my shield to block whatever attack she was planning to hit us with.

“Wuld Nah Kest!” Instead of the usual blast of fire, ice, or raw kinetic force, this time Fluttershy suddenly shot forward at a speed that looked just shy of Sonic Rainboom territory. She went right around my shield, and a moment later was hovering right next to Rainbow Dash. The yellow pegasus executed a quick turn and then bucked Rainbow Dash full strength right in the ribs. I’m pretty sure I heard something snap when Fluttershy connected.

Rainbow let out a grunt of pain staggered to the side, I felt a moment of acrophobic terror when one of her hooves slipped out from under my armpit. She managed to keep her grip on me, but she was rapidly spiraling down towards the ground, and heavily favoring the side Fluttershy bucked her in. She did at least seem to have enough control over what direction she was falling in to aim herself at a relatively open snowy field, instead of hitting the side of the mountain or smashing us into a tree.

Rainbow dropped me while I was still a couple feet off the ground. I tried raising the simple magic shield that was all I could pull off here, but it didn’t really do much to soften the impact. I hit the ground in a roll that spread the damaged evenly along my entire body. Sure, I might have bruises all over, but I could still function with those. Having the rest of my body unharmed wouldn’t do me much good if my legs were broken. At least Rainbow had found a nice patch of relatively soft snow to drop me into.

The pegasus herself hit the ground about a dozen feet away from me, letting out a pained yelp when she rolled over onto her injured side. She didn’t get up very quickly; in fact, she seemed to be standing on all four of her hooves through sheer willpower alone. That wasn’t good; with Lash an entire mountain away and with Fluttershy right on top of us, I couldn’t make with the thaumaturgy. Keeping Fluttershy pinned down with evocation while simultaneously taking care of Discord’s mind-whammy and removing the coin was a bit more than I could manage at once. It sure would’ve been handy if Rainbow were in good enough condition to hold Fluttershy down.

I spotted the demon-pegasus coming in for a strafing run, and now that we were grounded I felt a bit more comfortable throwing a real spell her way. “Arctis.”

“Yol Toor Shul!” Fluttershy countered my ice with her fire breath trick. Stalemate. I needed to hit her with something she couldn’t counter, and preferably stop her from shouting altogether. My gravity spell might be able to bring her down, but hitting a target flying around at full speed in the open air wasn’t going to be easy; there’s a reason I hadn’t tried that trick until I’d forced Rainbow into a confined space. Plus, that didn’t do anything about her shouting.

An interesting idea hit me, but I’d need a bit of time to figure out how exactly to do it. In theory, it was simple enough, but new spells are always tricky, especially when I’m in a place that doesn’t follow all the normal rules. Good thing I know how to stall for time. “Hey Fluttershy, you up for negotiating? Rainbow’s hurt real bad, and I’m not doing so great myself.” With any luck, I could get her to stop flying around so much too; trying out a new spell at long range against a moving target would make things harder than I’d like.

Fluttershy came to halt a couple hundred feet away from us, still hovering in the air. “If you give Rainbow back her coin, I’m sure the Fallen in it would be more than willing to help heal her. Consider it a gesture of good will, to prove you’re really willing to negotiate in good faith.”

From the look on the pony’s face, she was obviously expecting me to refuse her ridiculous demand and keep fighting. As a general rule, I never like doing what the bad guys expect me to do. I reached into one of my duster’s pockets and pulled out a single coin, then walked over and placed on Rainbow’s hoof. The wounded pegasus looked down at the coin, then back up at me, confused, but a moment later she put it all together, and winked at me.

Demonshy, clearly taken off balance by my submission to her demands, dropped down to the ground and began trotting over towards us. Rainbow Dash let out a chuckle, and suddenly sounding not nearly so weak as she seemed, whispered. “Told ya I’d get on the ground.”

So Rainbow’d played up her injury to get to the ground and draw in Fluttershy? Looks like I’m not the only one who can be sneaky. The possum play was one of the oldest tricks in the book, but the main reason most of those tricks have been around for so long is that they work.

We had the possessed pony on the ground, and I had a window of opportunity to hit her before she got close enough to figure out that the coin I’d given Rainbow Dash was just an ordinary quarter I’d taken a black marker to. I’m surprised it took me so long to think of having a fake Denarius or two on hand when I had to deal with the Nickleheads. It wouldn’t fool anyone for very long, but sometimes faking someone out for a couple seconds is all you need. I started bringing my new spell together.

Fluttershy was about twenty feet away when she stopped in mid step, and stared intently at the coin in Rainbow’s hoof. Looks like the game was up. The pegasus got three flaps of her wings in before I tossed the spell at her. “Vacuus!”

What’s one thing flying and shouting have in common? They both need to have air in order to work. I’d messed around with wind and air magic plenty in the past, this was just a new variation on the theme. Instead of moving air around, I was taking it away. Suddenly there was nothing for Fluttershy’s wings to beat against, or to carry her words of power.

The pegasus dropped right back down to the ground, gasping for breath that wouldn’t come. I nodded to Rainbow, and the battered pegasus picked herself up off the ground and rushed in to pin her friend down. Demonic co-pilot or not, Fluttershy was still Fluttershy, and she just didn’t have the muscle mass to fight off Rainbow, especially not when she could barely even breath. Flutterfiend did manage to land a few hits on Rainbow before she went down, including a nasty clubbing blow into the pegasus’ wounded side, but Rainbow just grunted and took the blows.

As soon as Fluttershy was pinned, I made with the magic to free her from Discord’s mind whammy and get rid of the coin. My new vacuum spell wasn’t the easiest spell to maintain, plus if I held it too long I might end up hurting Fluttershy. Ponies do kind of need to breathe.

Less than a minute later, I had another blackened Denarius safely stored in the opposite pocket from where I kept my fake coin (mixing those two up would be a really bad idea), and Fluttershy was slowly coming back to her normal self. “Oh Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy softly exclaimed in her old sweet, innocent voice. “I just had the most horrible nightmare!”

Rainbow pulled her friend into a hug. “It’s over now, Fluttershy.” Rainbow’s voice came out more than a little rough, and I noticed some moisture in her eyes.

In a decent world, I would’ve been able to give the ponies a few moments. Instead, I had to worry about the distant explosions I could hear coming from the mountain we’d left Pinkie and Lash on. Groups hugs and recovering from psychological trauma would have to wait until after we’d dealt with Discord and Nicky. “Sorry to be a moment killer girls, but we still need to free Pinkie and your other friends from Discord’s spell.”

Rainbow pulled out of the hug and hastily swiped a hoof across her eyes. Fluttershy, on the other hand, lived up to her name by shying away from me, instinctively moving a bit behind her friend. “Aw relax, Fluttershy.” Rainbow assured her friend. “That’s just what Harry looks like when he isn’t a pony.” After a moment’s consideration, the meek pegasus stopped hiding behind her friend. “Alright, you get his right side.” Rainbow ordered her fellow flier. “I’ll get the left, and we can carry him back up the mountain to where Pinkie is.”

Fluttershy was about to follow Rainbow’s orders when she stopped dead in her tracks, staring at her friend. “Rainbow Dash! You’re hurt!”

“Huh?” Rainbow Dash looked down at her thoroughly bruised and battered body. It’s no wonder she’d been able to sucker Demonshy with her possum play; between the buck that I’m pretty sure had broken some ribs, the rough landing, and the hits she’d taken pinning Fluttershy down while I undid Discord’s spell, Rainbow had taken a thorough beating. “Oh yeah, I had a bit of a rough landing a while ago.” The pegasus lied smoothly. “It’s not a big deal.”

If we’d any time to spare for being sentimental I’d have taken a moment to appreciate the fact that Rainbow was trying to cover up the fact that it had been Fluttershy who’d inflicted most of those injuries. Out of all the ponies, Fluttershy would probably be the one to take it hardest if she ever found out about some of the things she had done while under the control of Discord and the Denarians. The wielder of the Element of Kindness really didn’t need to know that she’d been turned into a vicious, remorseless, and just plain evil creature.

With two pegasi to carry me, we managed to make good time back up the mountain. It took us less than five minutes to cover a distance that we’d needed hours to manage on foot. Honestly, I know that back on earth flying spells are horrendously impractical and dangerous, but if I end up ever having to climb another mountain I might just decide to take a chance on it and roll the dice anyway. Only being able to work in two dimensions was really inconvenient sometimes.

Once we finally got high enough to get a good view of the destroyed monastery, I let out a shocked cry of. “Hell’s bells!” Eldritch Pie had been busy while we were gone; the landscape was dotted with dozens of party cannons that, while smaller than her super-duper-mega-ultra party cannon, were still more than large enough to ruin somebody’s day. All we could see of Pinkie was a fast-moving pink blur zooming around amongst the party cannons, which were maintaining an almost continuous stream of fire towards a rocky outcropping that I assumed Lash must be hiding behind, though all the confetti and streamers saturating the area made it hard to tell.

The pink blur stopped, and we saw Pinkie staring at us with unnerving intensity. “You got Fluttershy!” Demon Pie shrieked. “That does it! Time to break out the partillery!” Pinkie reached her hooves behind her back, and started pulling our party flak cannons and party missile launchers.

“Aw crap.” I opined.

“Eep.” Fluttershy agreed.

“Oh horesapples.” Rainbow thirded the motion.

The skies around us filled with confetti as Pinkie’s party flak-cannons opened up on us, while the pony herself raised a giant bazooka onto her back, pointed it at us, and fired. The two pegasi managed to dodge out of the missile’s path, but as soon as the weapon passed up by it started turning around to come at us again. Of course Pinkie Pie would have a party heat-seeking-missile.

I briefly considered trying to hex the missile and her guns, but considering the fact that her party weapons coexisted just fine with magic in her universe, hexing probably wouldn’t work. Back on Earth scientific technology and magic didn’t get along, but in Equestria it seemed like the two went hand-in-hand. Heck, her party guns might well be magical weapons.

So, I had to go for a more direct approach. “Fuego!” The party missile detonated in an explosion of flaming celebratory death. The two pegasi carrying me wasted no time in getting us out of Pinkie’s line of fire and into cover. Moments after we landed Pinkie’s party arsenal began blasting away around our position, effectively pinning us down. “Anyone got any suggestions?” I asked my two pony companions.”

“Um, panic?” Fluttershy suggested timidly.

“Already doing that.” I answered succinctly.

Eldritch Pie was seriously bad news. Pinkie had a casual disregard for the laws of physics and sanity on regular basis, but after her jump to the Dark Side she seemed to have figured out how to weaponize it. The demonically possessed pony was currently firing, reloading, and operating enough heavy weaponry to make to make a third-world military dictatorship green with envy, and wasn’t showing any signs of slowing down. Heck, for all I know, if she didn’t manage to take us down with her conventional weapons she could start whipping out Party Nerve Gas or Party Nukes.

That kind of made the brute force straightforward approach a non-option. I’ve dealt with plenty of things that had a huge edge over me when it comes to raw power, but Pinkie was different. Everything back on Earth has to follow rules, and usually the stronger something was, the more rules it had to work within. When I wasn’t winning through sheer dumb luck or being way too stubborn to know when to quit, it was usually because I’d figured out some way to turn all those rules to my advantage.

Pinkie, on the other hand, didn’t have any laws. Well, maybe she did have rules she had to follow and I just didn’t know what they were, but rules that I didn’t know or understand wouldn’t do me any good. There were no tricks I could pull, no Achilles Heel to target, no loophole I could gleefully abuse. I was just plain outmatched and out of conventional options.

Normally when you’re up against something you just can’t beat, the smart thing to do is to make a tactical withdrawal (also known as running like hell). Our only real hope of beating the reality-warping demon pony was to get out of here, then loop around and catch her when guard was down.

I suggested as much, but Rainbow Dash quickly shot the idea down. “No matter how fast I fly, I can never get away from Pinkie when she’s chasing me.” The pegasus confessed. “If Fluttershy and I are carrying you we’re not gonna be as fast as I am on my own, so...”

I was tempted to suggest splitting up to get away, but knowing Pinkie she would just do something crazy like split into multiple copies to chase us all down at once. The same was true of just about any other plan I could come up with; it’s hard to beat someone who’s power is really only limited by their imagination.

That’s when Rainbow piped in again. “We gotta use Plan C.” Rainbow would know, sometimes when you can’t win a fair fight, the solution is to start cheating.

“You sure about that?” I asked the pegasus. “If it goes wrong, it could be really bad for you.”

“Yeah, ‘cause getting blown to bits by Pinkie’s partillery is so much better.” Rainbow shot back. “Let’s just do it, and get it over with.”

“Sorry, but – what’s Plan C?” Fluttershy asked.

“This.” I pulled the thankfully intact bottle of chocolate syrup out from my duster, and upended it over Rainbow Dash. Desperate times call for desperate measures. “The C stands for chocolate.” I sagely informed the yellow pegasus.

Once I had thoroughly drenched Rainbow Dash in chocolate, the pegasus shot out into the open. “Hey Pinkie Pie! It’s me! Rainbow Dash, your bestest friend! And I’m covered in chocolate!”

I poked my head out from out cover, and saw Pinkie staring at her friend intently. The party pony’s entire face twitched into a manic grin for a moment, and her hair sprang up into a mass of poofy curls. “Dashie?”

Just as suddenly, Pinkie’s face returned to its angry scowl and her hair dropped completely flat again. “No! Kill! Maim! Burn!”

Pinkie twitched again, and went back to happy-mode. “Chocolate-covered Dashie?”

Demon Pie returned to the fore. “Kill them! Kill them all!”

Pinkie’s record skipped a couple more times between good and evil, and before long Pinkie’s entire body was violently vibrating, with her hair poofing up and deflating a couple times a second. After a couple dozen swaps, Pinkie suddenly leapt into the air, inflated like a huge blimp, then dropped down to the ground and bounced a couple more times before finally returned to her normal size, once more in her usual bright and happy state. A tiny metallic object shot out of the pony and embedded itself into the rock uncomfortably close to my head. I didn’t need to look to know it was the Denarius Pinkie’d been given.

“Dashie! Dashie and chocolate! Yay!” Pinkie leapt onto her friend, and began enthusiastically devouring every bit of chocolate she could reach. A quick check with my Sight confirmed that she was back normal. Well, normal for her at least.

Fallen Angels and evil gods of chaos and disharmony are no match for the power of friendship. And chocolate. But mostly friendship.

Harry's Best Day Ever

Our next passage through the Outside went a bit more smoothly for us, now that we had Pinkie Pie back on our team. There’s no real substitute for experience, and Pinkie spent a lot of time bouncing around the multiverse.

Passing along directions to her as I followed my tracking spell was an interesting experience. “A bit to the left. Alright, now green. Alright, now un-purple-smell, but with a bit of a sound-of-chocolate twist to it.”

Strangest. Navigation. Ever.

After somewhere between two seconds and several decades, we final got to our next destination. Thanks to riding the Pinkie Express, our arrival at whatever new chunk of fictionland we’d landed in was even smoother than when we’d shown up in Nirn or wherever that last place was. Assuming I saved the world from plunging into chaos and didn’t die again in the process, I’d really have to look into where the heck that was. Nicky out-pop culturing me stung, especially with something I generally liked as much as high fantasy. Rainbow’d said that Applejack and Rarity had gone to a sci-fi type of place. It better be one I’d heard of before; if the Denarians managed to beat me in a contest of fantasy and science fiction I’d have to turn in my nerd card.

First thing first, as far as I could tell I was still human, so that was good news. A look over at Lash and the ponies confirmed that none of them had gone through any involuntary shapeshifting either. Well, that was two worries off my mind. Depending on where we were, I might not need to worry too much about having the ponies keep a low profile; there’s plenty of sci-fi where brightly colored talking ponies would fit right in with all the other freaky critters out there.

A quick look over our surroundings didn’t give me much to figure out where we’d landed. The five of us were on top of some sort of platform in the middle of a huge city full of towering skyscrapers and flying cars. A quick look over the side of the platform confirmed that it was floating in midair, and the ground was far enough away that I took a couple steps back just to be safe. After falling from distinctly unhealthy heights twice in the last day or so, it seemed like a good idea to stay away from any potential plummets for a while.

Hopefully that wouldn’t be an issue any more now that I had both pegasi on my side instead of trying to kill me. Then again, I still had Rarity and Twilight to handle, and while I wasn’t sure about Rarity I know Twilight could use her telekinesis to toss me a few hundred feet up into the air.

Everything around us had that rounded clean metallic look that’s common to most of your classic futuristic settings. So, I’d dodged the grim-and-gritty future. That’s a relief; your standard grimdark future usually comes with an extra helping of xenophobia, and the Denarian ponies were going to be trouble enough without the locals deciding to get in on the act and burn the witches on top of everything else. I’ve got troubles enough without having a couple legions of the local power-armored super-soldiers after my ass.

Speaking of magic, my tracking spell seemed to be working, or at least it seemed to be functioning within a certain definition of working. Instead of some sort of spell pointing the direction I needed to go in, I had … almost a sixth-sense type of connections. Like I could tell where they were, just by concentrating on them. No. It was more than that; I didn’t just have a connection to the two ponies I was trying to save, I could feel a connection to Rainbow and the other ponies, to Lash, to … everything. Every single living being on this planet, and beyond. Like there was some sort of mystical energy connecting us all.

Wait a minute. A sci-fi setting featuring magic-users who draw power from a mystical connection to the universe and all living things. No way. It couldn’t possibly be…

My staff had apparently been eaten by the universe transition again, but I could feel the weight of something hanging along the side of my hip. I opened up my duster, and reached over the loop where I normally stored my blasting rod. Instead of my handy little boomstick, I found a very familiar-looking cylindrical tube of metal that was about a foot long, and had a single button on it. Naturally, I pressed the button.

There was a familiar snap-hiss, and a three foot long purple blade of pure energy emerged from the tube, letting out a distinctive humming sound whenever I move it the slightest bit.

A lightsaber. My lightsaber.

“We’re in Star Wars.” It took a second or two after I said the words out loud for it to really sink in. “We’re in Star Wars! Hell yeah!”

It’s things like this that make me love my job. Sure, it got me beat up more often than not, and put me through nine different kinds of hell, but every once in a while I got to do something really, really cool. This was almost enough to make up for the whole demonic mind control thing.

I turned to my companions, grinning and bouncing up and down like a kid on Christmas morning, or Pinkie Pie on happy juice. “I have a lightsaber. How cool is that?” I turned my attention to other magic-user in our group. “Do you have one too Lash? You should, ‘cause you can use magic like me. Come on, let me see it! This is so awesome!”

Lash let out a resigned sigh, and drew her own lightsaber. It was green, and that was awesome. Then again, any type of lightsaber would be awesome, unless it was a really ugly color like … no, actually there’s no color of lightsaber that wouldn’t be awesome, because it’s still a freaking lightsaber.

“Ooo!” Pinkie stared at the shiny humming swords, obviously entranced “Those are neato!” The party pony stuck her hooves behind her back, and produced three lightsabers of her own. After going up against her partillery, I wasn’t even surprised any more that she could pull lightsabers out of thin air. Have to say, it’s a good thing Rainbow managed to snap her out of evil mode, because Pinkie’s ability to casually warp reality was pretty terrifying when she decided to use it for evil instead of her normal goal of maximizing everyone’s super happy fun time.

Pinkie tossed her two spare lightsabers to the other ponies. Rainbow eagerly snagged hers in her mouth, while Fluttershy squeaked and flinched away from the flung lightsaber, allowing it to tumble off the platform and down into the city below. I tried snagging it with the Force, but wound up overdoing it a bit and crushing the weapon instead of saving it. Finesse has never been my strong suit.

Pinkie followed Rainbow’s lead by putting the lightsaber in her mouth, and the two ponies ignited their weapons. Pinkie seemed perfectly pleased by her pink lightsaber, but Dash seemed a bit disappointed when her came out blue. “Why ishn’t it rainbow?” The pegasus objected around the hilt in her mouth. “Rainbowsh are aweshome and I’m aweshome, sho my shword should be aweshome too.”

I could see a slightly bigger issue than the fact that Rainbow Dash wasn’t happy with the color of her lightsaber. Hate to say it, but there’s a reason mouth-based swordfighting never really caught on. I’m not an expert on hitting things with sharp bits of metal myself, but I know quite a few people who are. Arms and wrists are both really handy things, and you can’t really get that much maneuverability or striking power out of a weapon in your mouth. The angles are just all wrong.

Not that I was about to let a minor issue like that get in the way of fielding some lightsaber-wielding ponies. We’d just have to make some adjustments. “Lash, do we have any duct tape handy?”

“I don’t believe so.” A second later, Lash shot a slightly worried look in my direction. “Why?”

“They can’t use swords in their mouths, so we’re gonna tape the lightsabers to their hooves instead.” I answered quite reasonably. “Problem solved.”

For some reason I can’t fathom, Lash was looking at me like I had suggested something really crazy. After a few seconds of awkward silence, she finally responded. “I don’t think that would work Harry. How would they walk?”

“We wouldn’t tape it to the bottom of their hooves obviously. It would be off to the side, so they could still walk and run when need to.”

Lash still didn’t look convinced. “They still wouldn’t have enough leverage or flexibility for proper swordfighting, not to mention that most adhesives wouldn’t stand up to the stress of extended combat. It’s just not practical for ponies to use swords.”

Much as I hated to admit it, Lash was probably right. Unless ponies grew hands, most human tools and weapons wouldn’t be realistic options for them. Well, Pinkie might be able to get away with using a lightsaber on account of her loose relationship with the laws of physics, but otherwise it just wouldn’t work. “Dammit. I hate it when reality gets in the way of doing something really awesome.” Why must physics and anatomy always get in the way of my awesome ideas? I need to figure out what Pinkie Pie’s trick is for ignoring the laws of physics and causality, so I can copy it.

“We don’t need any fancy laser swords to kick ass anyway.” Rainbow Dash announced after spitting out her own lightsaber. The pegasus took off into the air and did a quick loop, then hovered in mid-air and threw several punches into the air with her forehooves. "If there’s any bad guys causing trouble for our friends, I’ll just take ‘em down with my bare hooves!” Rainbow’s confident boasting might have been a bit more effective if she hadn’t flinched a bit after throwing her last punch, and put a hoof to the side Fluttershy had injured in their last fight.

Rainbow would never admit it, but she was obviously still hurting from the last tussle we’d gotten into. Rainbow Dash being herself, she wasn’t likely to tone things down just because she was injured. So, someone else needed to rein her in, and right now I was the unofficial leader of the group. “Look, Rainbow, we can all tell you’re not a hundred percent. You need to sit this one out; be our eyes in the sky and offer support, but don’t get mixed up in the fighting unless you have to.”

“What?” The pegasus flew over and got right in my face, just a couple inches away from getting me with one heck of a headbutt. “I must have misheard you, ‘cause I know you did not just tell to leave my friends hanging!”

I met the pegasus’s belligerence with calm stoicism. “This is how it is, Rainbow.” Rainbow was being plenty aggressive, but after you’ve dealt with demons, Faerie Queens, and pissed off warlocks, it’s kinda hard to be intimidated by a four foot tall pastel-colored pony.

“Who put you in charge anyway?” Rainbow snapped back at me. “My friends need my help, and I’m gonna save ‘em! Got it?”

‘This isn’t up for debate, Rainbow. We need all six Elements of Harmony to deal with Discord. What are we supposed to do if you get taken down, slap your necklace onto Spike and expect the Elements to still work?”

Rainbow scoffed. “Please. I can handle Applejack. And what’s Rarity gonna do, throw evil demon fashion at me? Make me wear ugly clothes?” The pegasus waved a hoof dismissively “You don’t need to worry about me, I got this.”

I was pretty tempted to point out that Fluttershy was probably the least violent pony the world had ever seen, but Demonshy had done plenty of damage to Rainbow a couple hours ago. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to remember that Fluttershy was right there listening to us. Sure, I wanted Rainbow to back down, but it would break Fluttershy’s heart to know that she’d significantly injured one of her friends, even if she was being mind controlled at the time.

While I didn’t say anything, my eyes had drifted over in the yellow pegasus’s direction, and Rainbow managed to put two and two together and guess at what must have been going through my mind. The look she shot at me as pure murder; I met her gaze and gave a subtle shake of my head. As much as Rainbow’s stubborn pride was complicating things, I wasn’t going to destroy Fluttershy’s innocence just to win an argument.

Trying to talk Rainbow Dash down was going to be tricky when I couldn’t bring up the obvious hole in her logic. Then again, logic and reason isn’t really the best approach to take with her anyway. At best, trying to argue with her would probably just get her to say she agreed with me, and then she would just do whatever she wanted once the actual fighting got started.

So instead of trying to talk her down I opted for something a bit more along the line of blunt physical reasoning. Since the pegasus was still flying right in my face, it was easy to reach over and give ]her a firm pat on her injured ribs.

The pegasus immediately let out a pained yelp, and fell to the ground like I’d just tied a two ton stone to her feet. I felt a bit bad about causing her pain, but I needed to get it through her head that she wasn’t in any condition to mix things up. Better to make her side sting a little now than to have her get the crap beaten out of her or maybe even get killed later.

After a few seconds the pegasus picked herself back up, and tried to play it cool despite her obvious disability. “Okay, so I’m a little sore. Not the first time I’ve gotten a little busted up; I can handle it.”

Before I could point out just how much Rainbow was in denial of her physical condition, Pinkie Pie decided it was time for her to have her say. “Dashie, if you’re hurt then I don’t think you should-”

“I’m fine.” The pegasus cut her friend off. “Geez, why’s everyone making such a big deal out of a couple little bumps and bruises?”

“Bumps and bruises?” Fluttershy had spent most the argument looking nervous and uncomfortable, but apparently Rainbow’s last comment had set the normally timid pegasus off. She flew right up to Rainbow and looked her dead in the eye, and from her tone she’d taken her assertive pill a couple minutes ago, and it was starting to kick in now. “You have broken bones Rainbow Dash! You’re hurt! And you are not going to get yourself hurt any more than you already are! Do you understand me?”

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash tried to defend herself. “I can totally–“

Fluttershy cut her off before she even got started, invading Rainbow’s personal space until Rainbow had to choose between backing down or letting Fluttershy slam into her. “I said. Do. You. Understand. Me?”

“Okay, okay.“ The harried blue pegasus finally conceded, unconsciously backing up a couple spaces. “I’ll sit things out, just stop being all freaky-scary on me Fluttershy!”

Fluttershy blinked in surprise, and a moment later her tone and posture were back to their normal gentleness. “Oh, I’m so sorry Rainbow Dash. I didn’t mean to scare you, it’s just that I was really worried you might get hurt, and I must have gotten a teensy bit too assertive. We would all feel just awful if you ever got hurt, especially since I know the reason you want to keep fighting is that you’re worried about me and Pinkie.”

Pinkie took this as her cue to zoom in for a hug, taking appropriate care to avoid Dash’s injured ribs. “Yeah Dashie. No getting hurt!”

“It’s cool.” Rainbow answered, sounding just a tiny bit shaken by her encounter with Fluttershy’s rarely seen aggressive form, not to mention a bit occupied by trying to detach Pinkie Pie from her neck.

“Pinkie Promise!” The pink pony demanded with her head half buried in Rainbow’s mane. “Pinkie Promise me you won’t get hurt!”

Rainbow said the words, and performed the accompanying motions as best she could while Pinkie was latched onto her. That finally seemed to satisfy the earth pony enough to release her friend. Now that Rainbow Dash had finally gained her freedom, the pegasus turned her attention to me. “Hey! If I’m not gonna be right there in the middle of things, then you better keep an eye on my friends! Got it!”

“Got it.” I confirmed.

“I might be sitting things out for now, but if things start going bad and one of my friends is in trouble, I’m jumping in.” Rainbow added. “Got it?”

“Got it.” Considering my general track record, that meant we had a pretty good chance that Rainbow was going to mixing things up at some point anyway, but that’s the best we were likely to get from her. Stars and stones, I’d fought while injured plenty of times because my friends or just some innocent person I hadn’t even met needed my help.

I guess that was something I had in common with the pegasus. We were both fighters, protectors. At first I’d thought she’d wanted to stay in the fight just because of her usual arrogance, but there was more to it than that. Rainbow was worried about her friends, and wanted to be there for them if they needed her help. Having to sit on the sidelines and watch them go into peril, knowing that she had to stay back and not help them … well that had to be hard.

My time as a ghost in Chicago, where I could only do little things to help protect the people I cared about, immediately sprang to mind. I’d gotten perilously close to burning out my soul just doing what I could to help them, If the option of going fleshy and helping them out directly had been there, I would’ve done it in a heartbeat. Hell’s bells, once I’d finally figured out how to do it, I hadn’t even thought twice about jumping right into the fray, even though it had required doing something seriously crazy.

So yeah, I could sympathize with Rainbow Dash.

Now that Rainbow Dash had settled her issue with me, the three ponies went for a group hug that I barely avoided getting dragged into myself. Lash unfortunately had to kill the moment. “Much as I appreciate this lovely little chat everyone’s been having, were we planning to get back to saving the multiverse sometime today?”

“I think we can afford to give the ponies a minute.” Yeah, the bad guys weren’t gonna take a break just because we were having a friendship moment, but thing weren’t quite so desperate yet that we couldn’t spare a few seconds to let them get centered. After all, our entire plan to save the universe kind of depended on using their weaponized friendship.

“We need to keep moving.” Lash answered, though she kept her voice down to not disturb the ponies. “The Denarians might have been complacent before, but now they know that you not only removed Rainbow Dash from their control, but have some means of finding the other ponies they scattered across the multiverse. They’re likely to send reinforcements, or destroy the remaining ponies to deny them to you.”

“Nah, I don’t think they’d kill the ponies, they’re Nicky’s insurance policy against Discord.” I felt my anger at the Denarian, my fury at all the terrible things they had done, suddenly come boiling back up to the surface. “And if they bring reinforcements then good. It’ll give me more of them to kill.”

Lash raised an eyebrow at my rather bloodthirsty comment, but said nothing, and went off to secure transportation.

Lucky for us, Lucas included flying space taxis a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, so getting a ride wasn’t hard. Two humans and three ponies didn’t even get us an odd look from the driver; I guess your average Star Wars cabbie is really jaded with all the freaky aliens running around. Hell’s bells, our cabbie had pointy teeth, red eyes, blue skin, and two big long fleshy tails coming out of his head instead of hair. “Where you headed?”

Since all I had to go on was a vague sense of which direction the ponies we were looking for were in, I couldn’t exactly give him a street address. “We’ll give you directions as we go.”

The cabbie gave very human shrug. “Whatever.” A moment later he grumbled, just loud enough for me to catch. “Why do I always get the crazy ones?” Guess no matter what galaxy you’re in, cabbies never change.

A ten minute flight later, we got to the outside of a building I recognized all too well, though the last time I’d seen it was in better shape. On the bright side, at least now I knew when in the Star Wars timeline we’d shown up; the Jedi Temple being in ruins was kind of a giveaway. I guess even demons aren’t vicious enough to force me to live through the prequels again.

Okay, the prequels weren’t quite that bad, but all things considered, I was just fine running around in the original trilogy era, even if it meant having to deal with a repressive evil empire instead of a well-meaning but bumbling and ineffectual republic.

Aside from some obvious leftover battle damage and some signs of neglect, the Jedi Temple looked exactly like it had back in the last of the prequels. If I remembered my Star Wars right, after the Empire took over they’d pretty much left the temple abandoned and damaged, to serve as a very visible reminder to everyone of what happened when you opposed Palpatine.

Guess I shouldn’t be surprised the Denarian Ponies had set up shop here. The Nickleheads had always had a bit of a fondness for working out of magically sensitive locations, and between playing host to a thousand generations of Jedi and being the site of a huge Jedi massacre, the ruins of the Jedi Temple almost certainly qualified as a Star Wars equivalent to a magical location.

At least the fact that the ponies were squatting in the ruins of the temple indicated they hadn’t hooked up with the Empire to cut some sort of deal. As awesome as it would be to actually fight him, I didn’t exactly like my odds of trying to out-Jedi Darth Vader.

I told our cab driver to let us off here, and after giving us an unreadable look, he complied. “Whatever you say. That’ll be forty credits.”

Oh. Oops, I didn’t exactly have any of the in-universe moolah. That could be a problem. Before I could come up with a way out of the mess, Lash stepped in and waved a hand in front of the man’s face. “We already paid you.”

“You already paid me.” The cabbie repeated back flatly.

For a moment I was a little shocked that Lash had broken out mind magic, until I remembered that Star Wars isn’t like Earth. The Jedi mind tricks didn’t have the potential to cause serious damage to people’s health and sanity the way the normal brand of mind magic did. Granted, messing with someone’s free will was still a very morally grey area at best, but at least she wasn’t doing anything beyond mixing him up a bit. Yeah, cheating him out of a cab fare wasn’t that nice, but we didn’t exactly have a lot of options available.

Lash made another little motion with her hand. “You should go find a new fare, and forget about us.” I wasn’t exactly happy about it messing with a normal working joe’s head when he was just doing his job, but I didn’t object. The cabbie promptly took Lash’s suggestion, and in less than a minute he was already out of sight.

I was about to head into the temple when Rainbow flitted over and waved a hoof in my face. “Rainbow Dash is the most supercoolawesomeazing pony ever.”

“Rainbow Dash needs to stop playing around.” I answered back, completely deadpan. “The bad guys are close, we need to get our game faces on.”

Rainbow looked a bit dejected that she couldn’t pull off a mind trick, and I felt a bit bad about the fact the mild rebuke I’d given her. Before I could think of something to say to cheer her up a bit, Pinkie bounced over and waved a hoof in Rainbow’s face. “Smile!” It took a couple seconds, but the pegasus did give a weak little grin to her friend, which Pinkie returned tenfold. Her job done, Pinkie turned around, but then looked over her shoulder and added. “Don’t forget you promised to stay back and not get hurt Dashie!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Dash answered back with a dismissive wave of her hoof. “You guys can handle Applejack and Rarity fine without me; I ‘ll save my strength for something that’s actually gonna be a challenge.”

Well, at least Rainbow was back to her old self. If she could play her ego games, it was probably a safe bet that she would stick to the plan. Well, she’d stay back unless one of her friends was in serious danger, which given our general track record wasn’t exactly unlikely, but I’d take what I could get. Besides, even injured she was still a pretty decent fighter, so as long as she was careful and didn’t overdo it she could probably get away with bending my no fighting rule a bit.

There was a gentle touch on my arm as Lash drew my attention. “Do you feel them Harry?”

I stretched out my still relatively new Force senses, and a few seconds later I could feel two presences, little beacons of light hidden behind grey clouds and a sickening oily black tar. “Yeah, the ponies are right ahead in the temple.” I spread my awareness out a bit, and felt more presences; they had the same oily blackness that was covering the ponies, but there was no light hidden under the darkness. “Looks like you were right Lash, the Nickleheads brought reinforcements.”

“It was inevitable.” Lash answered calmly. “They knew we would come for the ponies.” She closed her eyes for a moment, and then added. “I don’t think Nicodemus is with them. I’m not sure, but I think if he were here we would know.”

“Yeah, I get the feeling he’d probably stand out from the crowd.” From the feel of things there were a couple of heavy hitters in this group of Nickleheads, but everything I’d seen indicated that Nicky was the top dog in the group by a huge margin.

I opened up my duster to make sure I could get to my lightsaber in a hurry if I needed to. I was probably better off just smacking things around with the Force, it was closer to my usual way of doing things, but an energy sword that could cut through just about anything was bound to come in handy. I’m no swordsman, but hopefully I’ve hung out with enough people who like using swords to pick up a bit through osmosis.

Besides, if I was going to be fighting bad guys in Star Wars, I was using a lightsaber, no matter how impractical it was. It’s a matter of principal.

The five of us made our way into the ruined temple, and I couldn’t help briefly wishing I’d gotten a chance to see the place in its full glory, even if it meant having to put up with Jar-Jar and too much fake-looking CGI. We made it into a huge, wide-open atrium spotted with decorative columns when I felt several of the Denarians moving to flank us. They were about to make their move, I could sense it.

My hand shot down to my lightsaber, and I activated the purple blade as a big shaggy feather-covered creature dropped down from one of the few relatively intact parts of the ceiling. My first instinct was to smack it silly with a Force push, but I found myself drawing and igniting my lightsaber, and carefully watched the enemy’s falling arc.

Right before it was about to land, I took two quick sidesteps to the left, and then made a quarter turn and brought my lightsaber up in a sweeping arc that cleaved straight through the falling Denarian before it even realized what was going on. I spotted a glimmer of metal as its coin went flying away and this time it seemed easy to just snag it with a bit of the Force and drop the coin into one of my duster’s pockets.

I felt an odd urge to jump, and went along with it. I was a little amazed when instead of a normal little hop I went fifteen feet into the air in a backflip that landed me right behind some sort of bipedal lizard-dinosaur thing that had been charging at my back. I like to think the creature had a really stupid-looking expression of surprise on its face right before I chopped it in half.

I could vaguely sense another creature off to the side, so I used the Force to pull one of the Denarians that hadn’t entered the field yet towards me. This one I vaguely recognized; I didn’t have a name for it, but its demon form as an obsidian statue with glowing green eyes was kind of hard to forget. My blade moved through a rapid-fire series of cuts, and the creature fell apart in a shower of black sludge that seemed to be its equivalent of blood.

I sensed one last Denarian making a move at the two ponies, and listened to my instincts. I hurled my lightsaber at some sort of tree-human hybrid. For a moment I was afraid my lightsaber was actually going to miss, but it managed to score a relatively shallow gash along the creature’s side. At first it just looked like a minor injury, but then I spotted something silvery drop out of the wound, and a moment later the creature dropped to the ground and reverted to a normal-looking human. From there a simple force push tossed it out what had once been a window. From what I recall, it was a long way down.

That left one last Denarian, one that looked relatively humanoid aside from having a long prehensile tail it was using to wield its own lightsaber with surprising dexterity. Lash was in the middle of fighting.it, and the two of them seemed to be evenly matched. One Force push later, the Denarian was off-balance, and Lash had an opening that let her finish him easily.

I couldn’t sense any more Denarians in the immediate vicinity, the ponies and a couple more of the other Nickleheads were still nearby, but we’d dealt with the first wave. I looked around the atrium, and to be honest I was a little stunned at just how much damage I’d done; in less than a minute I’d taken down four and a half of the Denarians. Granted, they were almost certainly cannon fodder tardbeasts, but those were still pretty dangerous.

Lash, meanwhile, had apparently only managed to take down the one I’d helped her with. Judging by the look on her face, she was a bit put out about that. “How did you –“ Lash let out an annoyed little grunt. “I have more than a thousand years of swordsmanship experience. Your knowledge of how to use a blade is barely past ‘stick the pointy end in the other guy.’”

For a second, I didn’t really have a good answer for her. Just how in the hell had I pulled that off? I mean, I know a decent amount about hand-to-hand combat and I’m pretty good shape, but I’m still not the kind of guy can wade right into a melee and carve up demons like I’m not even trying.

I felt that odd little bit of instinct tingling in the back of my mind once again, just like it had been doing during the entire fight, and a second later I figured out what had happened. I could practically hear Obi-Wan on the Millenium Falcon, telling Luke to stretch out his feelings and let the Force guide his actions. I hadn’t been thinking and planning; I’d just been running on pure instinct, which let the Force guide my actions.

Now that I had an answer for her question of how I’d managed to out-swordsman her despite all her experience, I narrowed my eyes in muppety wisdom, and broke out the Yoda voice. ‘That is why you fail.” When Lash didn’t seem to have been enlightened by my advice, I added. “You must unlearn what you have learned.” From the look on her face, Lash still wasn’t quite getting it.

I would’ve stopped for an in-depth explanation, but we had ponies to save. I could feel Applejack, Rarity, and the rest of the baddies coming towards us. Lash spoke up once more. “The Force doesn’t work like our magic, we can’t use thaumaturgy to bind them. How will we subdue the ponies long enough to free them from the coins and Discord?”

“We do what we usually end up doing; we improvise.” Don’t get me wrong, I love it when a plan comes together, but I have to admit that more often than not we usually end up doing a lot of improvising by the time everything’s said and done.

The four remaining Denarians entered the room. Applejack had already gone into demon-mode. Judging by the fact that she now out-bulked her big brother, I was willing to hazard a guess that she’d wound up with Magog’s coin. That could be a problem; the farmpony was already very strong physically, and Magog was a real force-multiplier when it came to brute strength.

Rarity, at least for the moment, looked like her normal self. Her eyes immediately fixed on the lightsaber dropped by the Denarian Lash had faced off with, and the possessed unicorn shouted “Mine!” and snatched the weapon up telekinetically. Moment later the crimson blade was humming faithfully at Rarity’s side; apparently she could wield the weapon just using here telekinesis, even though all the other ponies couldn’t. Unicorns are hax. On a completely unrelated note, I need to stop picking up slang from the Alphas.

That just left the two Denarians riding shotgun with the ponies. One of them looked like the classic image of a demon girl; red skin, goat legs ending in hooves, bat wings, horns, a barbed tail and, I knew from my last run-in with her, a fondness for slinging Hellfire around.

The last of them was a girl who looked to be in her mid-teens, old enough to catch you eye, but young enough to make you feel uncomfortable about noticing. I knew she’d been quite attractive once, but now half her face was covered in burn scars, and huge chunk of her silver-grey hair was missing. The scars were new, but I wasn’t surprised; the last time I’d seen Polonius Lartessa, I’d been in the process of ramming a bunch of white-hot Soulfire into her face. Smacking a demon with a bunch of holy fire is the kind of thing leaves a mark.

“Harry Blackstone Dresden.” I felt a slight shudder down my spine when she said my name; the parts of it she’d said, she’d gotten exactly right. Back when I’d been a little younger and stupider, I’d traded three quarters of my Name to a demonic information broker. At the time, I didn’t have nearly so many pissed off demons after my ass as I do now, but in hindsight it wasn’t the best of ideas. Looks like Chaunzaggoroth (Chauncy to his friends) had sold me out. Good thing I’d never been stupid enough to sell him my entire Name.

“Tessa.” I deliberately let my gaze linger on her scars. “Love your new look.”

Her face twisted in rage at my barb, and for a minute I thought we might just skip all the obligatory pre-battle banter and get right down to business. Tessa was all kinds of dangerous; she was second only to Nicodemus in whatever hierarchy the Denarians had worked out amongst themselves. Hell’s bells, the two of them had even been married at some point, and stuck together long enough for them to make Deirdre before one of them had gotten around to the sudden but inevitable betrayal.

The good news was, Tessa wasn’t quite as dangerous as Nicky. Don’t get me wrong, she was serious bad news, but she was dangerous because she was a complete psychopath. Nicodemus always tried to play the reasonable man, right up until he stuck a knife in your back; Tessa would just stab you right in the face, then eat your eyes and take a bath in your blood. That’s not to say she couldn’t be sneaky and subtle from time to time, but at heart she had a nasty sadistic streak that ran completely counter to Nicodemus’s ice-cold pragmatism.

“So Tessa, you here for payback ‘cause I messed up your face? “ I waved a hand in Applegog’s direction. “Or were you just getting your big dumb muscle back?” Magog had been with Tessa’s group of Denarians last time I’d seen them. Obviously, Nicky had claimed his loyalty when he broke Magog out of the slammer, but it figured Tessa might want him back at some point.

“Oh, I think this is a case of mixing business with pleasure.” Tessa answered, sounding disturbingly cheerful about the prospect of imminent violence. “I do so adore doing that.” The demon smiled at me, revealing a set of pitch-black teeth; obviously signing on with the legions of hell didn’t come with a dental plan. “I don’t suppose you’d be willing to surrender and let me torture you to death slowly over the course of several years?”

I ignited my lightsaber, and saw Lash do the same. “Sorry Tessa, I’ve got plans for the weekend.”

“Pity.” She brought her hands, and lightning erupted from her fingertips. Given her fondness for electricity last time we’d tangled, I wasn’t surprised she’d figured out that particular trick. Fortunately, the Force gave me enough forewarning to see the attack coming and bring my lightsaber up into a block.

Tessa’s mouth curled into an annoyed snarl when I blocked her electrical barrage. “Rosanna, Applejack, Rarity, be dears and kill Harry’s little friends for me, would you?” After a moment’s thought she added. “Try to make it painful.”

Crap. Nicky wanted to keep the ponies alive for insurance against Discord, but Tessa wasn’t running from his playbook. Considering her chronic backstabbing disorder, he probably hadn’t clued her in on the details of his plan. Or maybe he had, and Tessa just didn’t care; Nicky was always the lawful evil to her chaotic evil.

Lash should be able to hold her own against Rosanna, but I didn’t like Fluttershy and Pinkie’s odds against Raridemon and Deviljack. I needed a fast win against Tessa, and considering the collection of nasty tricks she had up her sleeve, that wasn’t too likely.

Tessa activated her own lightsaber (red, of course, since she was evil) and charged at me. She started off with a pair of high one-handed blows, and when I brought my weapon up to block them she fired off a blast of force lightning right at my gut with her free hand. Even with the Force forewarning me of her attack and whispering how to dodge it into my ear, I barely managed to avoid getting shocked. Having that what’s going to happen in the next five seconds and how to survive it precognition was all kinds of handy, but I can only dodge and block so fast.

Tessa’s mouth opened up impossibly wide, and she vomited out dozens of horrible little demonic praying mantises. As more and more of the bugs emerged, her human body wasted away, until there was nothing left but the bugs, until they all melted and merged together into a single demon-mantis girl covered in red and black chitin. The process was every bit as disgusting as it sounds.

The lightsaber had disappeared somewhere in the transformation process, but Tessa’s demon form came with a pair of big nasty talons that were perfectly suited to rending flesh apart. What they weren’t so great at was parrying lightsabers. A single swipe of my blade literally disarmed her.

It took me half a second to go from my congratulatory little thrill of triumph at taking off two of her limbs to realizing that it had been way, way too easy. Coincidently, that’s exactly how much time it took for her two severed talons to discorporate into dozens of tiny little demon mantises and land right at my feet.

The last thing I needed was a bunch of those little critters crawling up legs and making with the slicing; their talons might only be an inch long, but an inch-deep slice is still gonna hurt, plus they’d probably do something nasty like go for my major arteries and veins.. Pretty sure little demon insects carry all kinds of nasty diseases too.

I pulled a quick backflip (Have I mentioned how much I love all the Force-powered acrobatics I could pull off now?) to buy space, and force shoved the tiny of demonic bugs away. The downside was, stopping Tessa’s little ankle-biting minions took my attention away from her for a split-second. That’s the kind of opening bad guys tend to take advantage of.

Tessa’s demon-mantis form barfed her out into human form, and gave her enough momentum to land her in a perfect flanking position. I turned and blocked as fast as I could, but I still felt a line of searing hot pain running perpendicular to my ribs. Judging by the fact that I wasn’t dead or dying, I’d at least managed to keep her doing too much damage.

Tessa had me off balance now, and she didn’t hesitate to make the most of her advantage. Over the next few seconds I lost a chunk of hair to a blow that nearly took the top of my head off, barely managed to jump over an attack that would have taken off both of my legs, and my entire body was set to tingling when I didn’t manage to completely block another blast of lightning from demon-girl.

After s lot of blocking, dodging, and desperate backpedaling, I’d finally managed to get to a point where I had my balance right and feet under me. Tessa took a few steps back from me, and gave me a mocking salute with her lightsaber before returning it to a ready position. I wasn’t about to let her keep that moment of triumph. “Has anyone ever told you that the barfing yourself out thing you do whenever you shapeshift is really, really gross?”

“You know Dresden,” Tessa began conversationally. “You killed my daughter. I really should extract some horrific style of vengeance upon you for that.”

“Hey, look on the bright side.” I shot back. “Now that Nicky can’t get any action from Daddy’s Little Girl, maybe he’ll come crawling back to you.” Ah, the Order of the Blackened Denarius; sure, it’s a cult of nasty demons intent on unleashing the apocalypse but it’s also an incredibly screwed up family, complete with incest.

“Perhaps.” Tessa answered with a shrug. “Deirdre always did favor her father more than I would like, and he’ll need a new wielder for her coin. Nicodemus always was a bit too sentimental.” The demon host gave a vicious grin. “Don’t think you’ve actually done me some sort of harm by killing her, she’s far from my only offspring. For a time, I experimented with using my children as wielders for all the Denarii under my control. I found that it wasn’t worth the trouble though; too many of them labored under the delusion that just because they were of my blood, I would tolerate their inadequacies.”

Well, as long as we were at the exchanging witty banter phase of the battle, I could spare a moment to check up on everyone else. So far Lash was holding her own against Tessa’s number two. Lash seemed to have an advantage in pure swordsmanship, but Rosanna was using her wings and to pull a few crazy tricks to keep things even.

Fluttershy was up against Raridemon. I wasn’t at all surprised to see that Fluttershy was going for the ‘I know you’re in there somewhere’ approach instead of actually trying to physically fight her friend; to be honest I would’ve been shocked if she’d tried anything else. She had her forelegs around Rarity’s neck, and was saying something to her that I couldn’t make out.

For a second I thought Fluttershy was getting through to her and might have already won her battle, but then Rarity’s horn glowed and Fluttershy went flying away as Fiendity zapped her with Force lightning (looks like Rarity got Ramiel’s coin). For a second Fluttershy was down on the ground whimpering in pain, but soon she was back on her hooves, and then she went right back in to try and free her friend from Ramiel and Discord’s control.

That just left Applegog and Pinkie Pie. Magog’s coins was obviously having an influence, because Demonjack was going with his standard combat tactic of shouting, charging straight at her opponent, and the repeating the first two steps as necessary. The Nickleheads don’t keep Magog around for his brains.

Pinkie was just dodging away merrily, giggling as if this was all just a game to her. Applegog charged right at her, only for Pinkie to bounce aside at the last minute, so the demon pony slammed head-first into a thick stone pillar. The pillar lost, and Demonjack let out an enraged snarl and crushed several bits of rubble under her hooves in frustration.

That’s when Pinkie whipped out a party bazooka. Applegog took one look at the weapon, and decided it was time to try something other than charging straight in like an idiot. “Wait a minute Pinkie! It’s me, Applejack.” The demon pony reverted to her normal form. “That Magog fella had me under his hooves, but I just now got free. It’s really me, I Pinkie Promise!”

Oh wow. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more obvious lie in my life. Applejack had always been a terrible liar, and it looks like not even a Discord mind-whammy and having a demon sharing her headspace could change that. Probably didn’t help that they gave the coin of a demon who thought that subtlety was something you ate, but still, you’d have to be a complete fool to fall for such a blatantly obvious lie.

“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie chirped, immediately putting away the bazooka and turning her back on Demonjack.

Oh come on! “No Pinkie, it’s a –“ Applegog reverted to demon form, and hit her with full-strength apple-buck, sending the party pony flying. “Trap.” I finished lamely.

I tried to move over to help the downed pony, but Tessa immediately moved around to cut me off. “It’s very rude to ignore your current opponent, not to mention interrupting someone else’s battle. Besides, I want to see how this plays out.”

Pinkie had survive AJ’s sneak attack, but she didn’t seem to be up for much more than lying woozily on the ground and groaning about how Applejack had Pinkie Promised. Applegog casually trotted over, and lifted a single hoof over Pinkie’s head. I was desperately trying to maneuver my way past Tessa, but she wasn’t giving me any openings. She wasn’t attacking, just keeping me from getting there in time to save Pinkie. It was some kind of sick game for her, forcing me to watch helplessly as one of the ponies died.

Right before Demonjack struck her finishing blow, a rainbow-colored blur shot across the room and slammed into the demon pony, knocking it aside. Rainbow Dash landed, placing herself protectively between Applegog and her downed friend “Get the hell away from Pinkie Pie!”

The possessed pony got back up with deliberate slowness, fixing Rainbow with a death glatre the entire time. “I was wondering when you were gonna show up, Rainbow Crash.”

Rainbow flared her wings aggressively. “AJ, you’re my friend and all, but I’ll kick your flank from here all the way back to Equestria if that’s what it takes to snap you outta it!”

I would’ve kept watching the confrontation, I was pretty worried about how Rainbow would hold up against Demonjack, especially while she was injured, and had to ground herself to protect Pinkie, but apparently this was the moment when Tessa decided that I was distracted enough for her to blindside me with some Force lightning. Unfortunately, she was right.

A few seconds and a flight halfway across the atrium later, I crawled back to my feet, most of the muscles in my body still twitching spasmodically from the hit I’d taken. No sooner had I gotten back on my feet than Tessa was right on top of me again, hacking away at me with her lightsaber and mixing up her attacks with the occasional blast of lightning.

There was nothing I could do except let the Force guide me, directing my blocks, dodges, and an occasional riposte to disrupt her offensive momentum. Slowly but surely, I managed to turn the tide around. After thirty seconds I was on an even footing with her again, and a minute into the second phase of our duel I was starting to gain a slight advantage.

I felt a brief thrill of hope when the truth struck me. Lash wasn’t the only one who had a couple thousand years of swordweilding experience. Tessa had fallen into the exact same trap. They were both trying to treat this like just another swordfight, but the thing is, lightsaber’s aren’t swords. There’s a pretty big difference between fighting with a big sharp hunk of metal that weighs several pounds and a blade of pure energy that didn’t have any weight at all except for its hilt. Plus, I’m pretty sure both of them were falling back on their old swordfighting instincts instead of fighting like Jedi and opening themselves up to the Force. That’s the downside of living so long; you get set in your ways.

Even with that weakness Tessa was good, really good, but she’d done the metaphorical equivalent of bringing a knife to a gun fight. A few seconds later I saw my opening, and took her head clean off with a backhand swing.

I had just enough time to feel good about myself before I noticed her severed head break apart into more of the little mantises, which promptly flew back over to her neck and reformed into her head, now reattached.

I just stared at Tessa in dumbfounded shock for a second. “That is incredibly unfair. I mean come on! Decapitation kills everything!”

“Actually, roaches can live for several weeks after you cut their heads off.” Tessa answered conversationally.

“Comparing yourself to a roach. That fits.” A flicker of annoyance passed over Tessa’s face at that remark. “Hey, don’t blame me, you set yourself up for that one.”

“Nicodemus was right, you can be incredibly aggravating sometimes.”

“It’s part of my charm.” I gave my lightsaber a twirl. “Ready to get back to losing? I’m sure if we keep at it long enough I’ll find something to cut off that won’t grow back.”

“Perhaps.” Tessa retorted, “But long before you manage that all your friends will be dead.” That got a bit of a flinch out of me, partly because I was afraid she might be right. “Don’t worry though Dresden, I won’t kill you right away. That would be boring, and after all the effort I’ve put into getting rid of you, terribly anti-climactic.”

“How much did Chauncy charge you for three-quarters of my Name anyway?”

“More than I would have liked, but well within what I was willing to pay.” Tessa answered calmly. “But really, names are so boring, especially when there are much more interesting things to be learned.” Tessa tapped a finger thoughtfully on her chin. “One piece of information I came across was particularly fascinating. It cost me a great deal, allowing Uriel’s intervention to rescue your pet Nephilim and free you from Nicodemus, in point of fact, but sometimes breaking the rules is worth it. Especially when Heaven decides to balance things out by foiling one of Nicodemus’s plans instead of mine.”

I had a terrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. There was only one secret I had that could possibly be worth Tessa messing with the cosmic balance just to learn it.

Tessa gave a nasty, black-toothed smile. “You killed my daughter, after all. Really, it’s only fitting that I kill yours in response. Don’t worry, you’ll be right there with her at the end; I’ll make sure you have a front-row seat for the entire process.”

I have a lot of experience with anger. You dedicate your entire life fighting against the nastiest monsters you can find, and spend the rest of it fighting against an entire world that usually either doesn’t give a damn or is actively trying to get in your way, and anger’s gonna be a very familiar state of mind for you.

So, when I say that I snapped and went absolutely fucking insane with anger, I know what I’m talking about. It wasn’t that, red-hot anger that just comes from a normal of pissed offedness, it was that ice-cold fury where your entire mind is focused on hurting something. “Get ready to reap the whirlwind, bitch.”

There was no finesse to my attack, no subtle maneuvers parries, thrusts, or ripostes. I just took my lightsaber in both hands and started wailing away at Tessa as hard as I could. Instead of trying to get around her defenses to find an opening, I just smashed straight through them with brute force.

First I took her right arm, the one that had her lightsaber. Then her left. Then both her legs. Then her head again, just for good measure.

Tessa was regenerating almost as fast as I could cut her up, but that just made me call over her fallen lightsaber with the Force, and then the slicing and dicing was doubled. Finally, I saw a tiny flicker of tarnished silver, and with a flick of Tessa’s blood-red lightsaber, I removed it from her.

The coin had been down in her guts, so for the moment the ruined sack of meat that had once been Polonius Lartessa was still capable of speech. ‘Wait! Spare me Dresden! We can make a –“

“Fuck you.” I took her head off again. This time, it didn’t grow back.

I felt a moment of intense satisfaction as I looked down at Tessa’s corpse, but then I remembered, there were still other Nickleheads to be dealt with. I dropped Tessa’s lightsaber, and turned around to find the next Denarian I would kill.

That’s when I saw Rainbow Dash. Both her wings were bent back at horrible, unnatural angles, one of her forelegs was tucked up protectively under her body, and there was so much blood pouring down her face that one on her eyes had practically been sealed shut by it, along with enough blood elsewhere that you could barely tell her coat was blue underneath it.

She looked like she ought to be dead already, but despite her horrific injuries, somehow she was still standing, still protecting Pinkie Pie. Magog struck her again with playful sadism, smashing her in the snout and prompting more blood to come pouring out as the demon knocked the pegasus to the floor, but once more Rainbow Dash forced herself to her hooves. Magog wasn’t getting to Pinkie, unless it was over Rainbow’s dead body. That looked pretty close to happening.

I saw the scene, and it filled me with rage.

These ponies were my responsibility. They had been cute, innocent little cartoon critters, until the Denarians came in and ruined everything. They had forced these ponies to learn about pain, suffering, and loss, and now they trying to kill them. No more.

I turned my anger into a weapon, and lashed out at Magog with it. Lightning erupted from my finger tips and smashed the demon away from Rainbow Dash. It tried to get back up, but I hit it again, and then once more, until it stayed down. It wasn’t good enough though, not nearly. The demon was still alive.

I stalked over and prepared to deliver the finishing blow, but before I could end Magog’s miserable life a blue lightsaber crashed into mine, intercepting the deathblow.

“Harry! What are you doing?”

“Ending this.” I snarled. “Get out of my way, Lash, or I’ll make you move.”

For a moment Lash just stared at me, and then she very slowly, very calmly said. “Harry, look at your lightsaber.”

I humored her for the moment, and did so. It was my lightsaber, big deal. “Yeah, what about it?”

“What color is it?”

“Purple.” I answered automatically.

Lash raised a single eyebrow. “You sure about that?”

I looked at it again, blinked, and really focused on it. A second later, it hit me. My lightsaber wasn’t purple, it was red. I hadn’t dropped Tessa’s lightsaber at all, I’d dropped my own, and kept hers.

After that, everything fell into place.

Lash and I had a talk about anger once. How it’s not necessarily good or evil, it’s just an emotion, and what you do with it is what really matters. And in the real world, that’s true. I’ve got a lot of anger, but it doesn’t make me a bad person. Stars and stones, the whole reason I’d spent my life fighting the things that went bump in the night was that after seeing all the bad things they did to ordinary innocent people, I decided that I was mad as hell, and I wasn’t gonna take this anymore.

Problem is, I wasn’t in the real world any more. I was in Star Wars, and in Star Wars anger was the express train the Dark Side.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and forced myself to let go of that anger.

It was hard to do, really hard. I could feel Rainbow Dash’s pain through the Force, and part of me wanted nothing more than destroy the thing that was responsible for her pain. To destroy the things that had hurt these ponies, and so many other people before them.

I took a deep breath, and forced myself to let go of that anger.

I’d been using anger as a shield this entire time, hiding all my pain, sorrow, and guilt behind a wall made of fury and determination. It was true that I couldn’t afford to get dragged by emotional baggage while lives were at stake, but anger’s emotional baggage too.

I took a deep breath, and forced myself to let go of that anger

And finally, I looked at myself, at all the anger I had there. I still hadn’t really forgiven myself for falling prey to Nicodemus and Discord’s trap, or for every other time people had gotten hurt on my watch. Sometimes I hadn’t known enough about what was going on, or I’d made the best decision I could with the information I had, and sometimes I’d just plain messed up. At the end of the day, guilt is just another form of anger, except this anger is directed inwards, at yourself. I’d been carrying a lot of that anger for most of my life.

I took a deep breath, and forced myself to let go of that anger, at least for a while.

I opened my eyes, and I felt … calm. I knew it was just a temporary thing; I’ve spent my whole life being pissed off at the bad guys, and a lifetime of anger isn’t going away after a minute of meditation, but I’d bought myself peace for the moment. For now, that was good enough.

I deactivated Tessa’s lightsaber, and tossed it aside. “I’m alright.” With a tug of Force energy, I floated my own blade back into my hand, and then turned back to Lash, who was still regarding me a bit warily. “What happened to Rosanna?”

“She ran for it after you killed Tessa.”

“That could be a problem.” Rosanna wasn’t the nastiest Denarian out there, but she was bad enough news that I didn’t like the idea of her running free.

“Don’t worry, she didn’t get far.” Lash produced a bloodied blackened Denarius with a very slight smirk. “I cut it out of her right as she jumped out a window and tried to fly away. It’s a long way down.“ She produced another coin. “I also took care of Applejack while you were finding peace. Looks like she’ll be out of it for a bit, but she should be okay.”

“What about Rarity and Fluttershy?”

Before Lash could answer, I heard the crackling sound of Force lightning and another cry of pain from Fluttershy. I immediately bolted towards the sound, Lash half a step behind me. “Why didn’t you help her?” I shouted back behind me.

Lash hesitated for a moment before answering. “I didn’t want to leave you alone with Applejack.”

Oh. Ouch. I guess I can’t really blame her for that.

We got to what looked like it had once been some kind classroom back when the temple had been in one piece just in time to see Fluttershy picking herself up off the ground from Raridemon’s latest attack. Fluttershy wasn’t in as bad of shape as Rainbow, but she had still gotten pretty thoroughly battered.

Lash and I immediately stepped forward to take over for her, but Fluttershy put up a hoof to ward us off. “Wait. I … I can do it.”

I shot an inquiring glance Lash’s way, but she gave a slight shake of her head. Personally, I was inclined to say that wounding Fluttershy’s pride was better than letting her be wounded in body, but after my little run-in with the Dark Side I wasn’t that sure about my ability to make judgment calls right now. If Lash said to wait and let Fluttershy do things her way, I would follow Lash’s lead.

“Really Fluttershy.“ Fiendity spoke up, a very nasty, biting voice in place of Rarity’s normal cultured and slightly snobby accent. “You should take their help. Surely you must have realized by now that you can’t make me switch sides with a few honeyed words about friendship. You’re going to get yourself killed pointlessly at this rate. Just give up.”

“No.” Fluttershy answered calmly. “I won’t give up. You’re my friend, and I’m going to save you.” Fluttershy stepped forward and wrapped her forelegs around Raridemon in a hug once more. “I know you can hear me Rarity. It’s me, Fluttershy. Your friend.”

Fiendity responded by blasting Fluttershy away with lightning once more. If not for the restraining grasp Lash placed on my arm I would’ve jumped in right then and there. As it was, I was pretty tempted to just shrug her off and jump into the fray anyway, but like I said, bad decisions in very recent memory.

“You foolish, stupid, naïve little pegasus.” The possessed unicorn began scornfully. “When will you get it through your empty little head that your friend is gone? This is my body now. Mine! Your words are meaningless. There’s nobody there to hear them.”

Fluttershy shakily returned to her hooves once more, and very hesitantly said. “Maybe – maybe you’re right. Maybe my friend really is gone.” Raridemon gave a satisfied not at that statement. A moment later, Fluttershy made one final addendum. “Um – is it okay if I ask you a question?”

“Sure, why not?” Fiendity gave a lazy wave of her hoof. “Ask away.”

“Why haven’t you killed me yet?” Fluttershy asked in the sort of casual tone you’d normally expect from someone asking if you knew what time it was.

The question completely gobsmacked the possessed unicorn. “I – what?”

“Why haven’t you killed me yet?” Fluttershy helpfully repeated. “It wouldn’t have been hard. I’m not very strong or tough. You could’ve taken that laser sword you have and cut my head off with a single stroke. Or you could’ve just kept shocking me with your lightning, I wouldn’t have been able to stop you.” The yellow pegasus fixed the demon with a steady, determined gaze. “If my friend isn’t in there, if there’s really just a big nasty demon controlling her, then can’t that big nasty demon kill me?”

Raridemon just stared at Fluttershy, a look of slack-jawed incomprehension on its face. The unicorn made several halting attempt to speak, but no coherent words emerged. Finally, the unicorn began shaking much like Pinkie Pie had, until there was a blinding flash of light, accompanied by the sound of a single coin falling to the floor.

“Oh, Fluttershy darling, I’m so dreadfully sorry.” It was huge relief to hear Rarity speaking in her old voice again as the unicorn immediately rushed over to her friend. “It’s just, well until you asked that question I couldn’t … I wasn’t able to…”

“Oh, it’s alright Rarity.” Fluttershy responded soothingly. “I’m sorry it took me so long to rescue you.” The pegasus wobbled shakily on her hooves. “Um, I’m sorry everypony, but I’m feeling really tired right now.” With that the pegasus collapsed onto the floor.

“Fluttershy!” Rarity immediately began fretting herself into a frenzy over her friend, while I stepped forward and quickly checked on the downed pegasus. Spending a couple years on Ebenezar McCoy’s farm had its benefits; granted, I was a long, long way from an expert on equine medicine and anatomy, and cartoon ponies weren’t real-world horses, but you gotta take what you can get.

A quick once-over confirmed my suspicions. “She’s not too badly hurt, just exhausted.” Strictly speaking, there were a ton of issues that might have cropped up from being repeated shocked by Raridemon’s lightning powers, but most of those were the kind of thing I wouldn’t really be able to detect. Or treat, for that matter.

Fluttershy wasn’t our only wounded warrior though. “Lash, can you get Fluttershy? We should put her in the atrium with everyone else.” Lash had just finished securing Ramiel’s coin, so she walked over to the fallen pegasus, bent down, and was about to try to pick Fluttershy up in her arms until she thought better of it and just gently lifted her with the Force instead. Sure, size matters not and all that, but compared to an X-wing, a sleeping pony is nothing.

As we walked to the atrium, I turned my attention to the fashion pony. “Hey, Rarity. You’re good at sewing, right?” I would’ve preferred Fluttershy for a medic, but any port in a storm.

“Yes, of course. I am a dressmaker after all.” Rarity regarded me with obvious confusion on her face. “Why do you ask?”

Rarity’s question answered itself as we entered the atrium, and Rarity got a good look at her wounded friends, especially Rainbow Dash. Comprehension slowly dawned on the unicorn’s face. “Oh. Oh dear…”

Returning to Equestria

“Rainbow Dash is going to be fine.” I lied. “She just needs to rest for a bit first”

The four other ponies met my gaze shakily. I could see emotions at war on their faces. They weren’t stupid. On an intellectual level, they all knew I was lying, but at the same time they so desperately wanted to believe that it was true. But it wasn’t.

Rainbow Dash was dying.

I don’t know how we all managed to keep it together long enough just to keep her from bleeding out right then and there. I think, it was just that as long as we were busy doing everything we could to try to save her life, we couldn’t spare a moment to let everything sink in. I didn’t have time to process any emotional input while every bit of my brain was tied up in helping Rarity stitch Rainbow’s wounds shut and stop the worst of the bleeding. It wasn’t until afterwards, when we finally accepted that we had done everything we possibly could, that it all had time to sink in.

We’d stopped the worst of blood loss, and managed to get her stable for the moment, but it was only a temporary situation. Rainbow Dash had lost too much blood, her body had just taken too much damage. Rainbow Dash was going to die, and there was nothing I could do to save her.

I had failed.

We’d come so far, and fought so hard, but now all of it was meaningless. Without Rainbow Dash, there was no way to stop Discord. At best, once he got to Earth I might eventually be able to rally some sort of conventional resistance that could overpower him through sheer weight of numbers. If we got lucky, only a few hundred million people would die in the crossfire. Looks like Nicky was going to get his apocalypse after all.

It was cowardly of me, but I couldn’t be there for the end of it. I wanted to be there until the end, to give the ponies whatever comfort I could, but I just – I just couldn’t take it. Fluttershy’s quiet, muffled sobbing as she kept doing whatever she could to comfort the injured pegasus. Pinkie’s desperate whispering that Dashie was going to be okay, that she’d Pinkie Promised, and nopony ever breaks Pinkie Promise, not to mention that her hair had gone completely flat and straight. Applejack staring at her friend in shell-shocked guilt. And Rarity’s slowly cracking façade as she desperately tried to hold together the illusion that everything was going to be okay.

So I left them. I didn’t go far, just far enough away to buy myself a little bit of space. Ever since things had started going to hell in a handbasket, I’d been a pillar of strength for the ponies, the one who could handle all the craziness that was going on. The one who was going to get them out of this in one piece. If the ponies saw me crying then the tenuous thread of desperate hope that kept our group from completely falling apart at the seams would break.

I took a seat on a relatively clean patch of floor, and a few seconds later a single sob wracked my body. I’d lost people before. You spend enough time tangling with the bad guys and you’re bound to lose some friends eventually; no matter how good you are at what you do, sometimes the bad guys will win a few rounds. It still hurts just as much now as it did the first time it happened. As long as you care about others, it’ll always hurt.

Lash found me a few minutes later, thankfully after I’d managed to regain my composure. She looked every bit as bad as I felt. For a moment the two of us just looked at each other, both struggling to think of what we could possibly say in this situation. Finally, Lash spoke up. “You were wounded in the battle Harry. I should tend to it.”

I blinked, and now that she’d reminded me of them, I felt the pain of my injuries anew. I’d learned a lot about how to block out pain over the years, and between that and everything that was happening with Rainbow Dash, I’d forgotten that I hadn’t gotten out of my own battle with Tessa unscathed.

I gave Lash a nod, and a second later she spoke in her weird slightly echo-y voice, and the renewed pain of my wounds diminish, though it was still far from gone. A second later, Lash gave an annoyed little grunt, and then she tried again. And again. “Something wrong?”

Lash made an aggravated little sound in the back of her throat. “It’s not working properly. I think it’s because of the lightsabers. Your wounds are more akin to burns than normal tissue damage. Burns rarely take well to magical healing.“

Made sense. Fire, even plain old ordinary fire, has a certain magical potency to; it’s duality as a destructive and a cleansing force, both physically and spiritually. A lot of your folklore, from the ancient Greek myth of the hydra to modern fantasy games, will also tell you that fire is one of the few ways to permanently injure or kill something that heals from any ordinary wound. Hell’s bells, back when my left hand had gotten half-melted by some vampire goons with flamethrowers, there hadn’t been much I could do for it beyond giving at time to slowly get better on its own, and even after all this time it still wasn’t exactly up to 100%.

“You’re probably getting a little worn down too.” I added.

“Aren’t we all?” Lash was right about that. A string of tough fights, and nothing to look forward too except the fact that the next fight would be even harder to win than the last one. We’d been winning so far, but Rainbow’s condition made it all too clear that our victories were really more than managing to stave off utter disaster for a few moments longer.

Sometimes that’s all you can do. No matter how bad things get, you just keep holding on. As long as you’re alive, you’re still fighting, and as long as you were still fighting you could still win. We’d lost Rainbow Dash. Odds are we would lose more people before all this was said and done; I didn’t exactly like my own odds of survival once Nicky and Discord were ready to make their move. But we’d keep fighting. What else could we do?”

“Harry.” Lash’s voice was a weak, emotionally burned out croak. “You have a plan, don’t you?” I could hear the desperation lacing her words. Like the ponies, she already knew the truth, but was clinging to anything that offered the possibility of denying that harsh reality. “You always have a plan. Some way to turn things around when it looks like we’ve lost. It’s what you do.” Lash dropped down to her knees besides me, looking me straight in the eyes for brief moment before dropping her gaze. “Tell me there’s a plan. Tell me that everything’s going to okay.”

“I wish I could Lash. Hell’s bells, I wish I could.” I sounded tired, burned out, used up. “After …” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. “We’ll go back to Earth, I’ll warn the White Council, the Faeries, Michael and the Church, and anyone else who’ll listen to me. If we can get everyone working together, we can find some way to salvage things.”

It was a nice thought, but it wasn’t likely to work that smoothly. I had more enemies than friends on the Council, and for every person on my side or actively obstructing me, there would be a dozen wizards who would rather stick their heads in the sand and pretend there wasn’t a problem until it was too late.

“You’re just going to give up on Rainbow Dash?” Lash accused.

I sighed. “It’s not giving up, it’s just reality. Half the bones in her body are broken, both her lungs are collapsed, and she’s bleeding internally. Probably has damage to most of major organs too, not that we can tell that for sure when we don’t have much in the way of proper medical equipment. If we tried moving her, we’ll probably just kill her faster; going through the Outside is hard on a healthy person, let alone someone I her condition.” I ran a hand over my face and let a weary groan. “We can’t save her Lash. Sooner we accept that, the sooner we can get to saving all the other people out there that we still can. I hate losing her but it’s not like she’s immune to death just because she’s one of the good guys.”

An instant after the words left my mouth the answer hit me. From the look on her face, Lash had the same idea. We spoke simultaneously.

“I’m an idiot.”

“Harry, you’re a genius!”

It was brilliantly simple, really. Sure, Rainbow Dash was dying here, but back in Equestria she was a main character in a children’s cartoon. In other words, totally not allowed to die. If we could just get her back there in time, she’d be fine. Sure, a trip through the Outside in Rainbow’s current condition was liable to kill before we even got to Equestria, but any chance of making it out in one piece was worth going after. Even a million-to-one longshot was better than the nothing we’d been at before.

Still, there was no denying it was a Hail Mary pass. We couldn’t put all our eggs in one basket on this. “Lash, there’s something I need you to do, and you’re not going to like it.”

“You’re sending me away, aren’t you?” I guess she just picked the one thing I could do that was absolutely sure to piss her off.

“Yeah.” I confirmed. “Someone has to go back to Earth and warn the Council and everyone else about what’s coming, in case … in case things don’t work out on our end.”

“If you’re worried about the success of our mission, it seems far more sensible for me to remain here.” Lash got to her feet and started agitatedly pacing around the room. “You would not have survived against Polonius Lartessa if I hadn’t been here to keep Rosanna occupied. Having another wizard at your side could easily be the difference between victory and defeat in the coming battles.”

“Not against what we’re facing now.” I got to my own feet, but settled for just putting my back to a wall and standing still. “You saw how strong Discord is. He finds us before we rescue Twilight and get the Elements back, and one more wizard’s not going to make the slightest bit of difference.”

“It is true that in a contest of strength against Discord I could make no contribution, but he is not the only enemy we are likely to face before the end. A single wizard is still an asset, and you can hardly afford to weaken your own position at the moment.”

Lash and I were at an impasse on that point; we could argue until we were blue in the face different possibilities where her strength would or wouldn’t make a difference; it was time for a change of tactics. “Getting Rainbow back to Equestria in time isn’t a sure thing either Lash. Or Discord could kill of Twilight, or scatter the Elements across the multiverse. Or any of the dozens of other things which are totally out of our hands that can go wrong between here and the end. I don’t plan to lose, but we have to consider the possibility that we won’t be able to stop Discord in time. There’s too much at stake, someone has to get the word out.”

“You truly think Discord so dangerous?” Lash switched tracks as well. “He certainly doesn’t lack for malice or power, but he seemed more mischievous than wantonly murderous. If the worst should come to pass, I think the Earth could survive a few days of cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain.”

“Yeah, Discord probably wouldn’t kill very many people on purpose.” I conceded. “But if he decides to arrange a couple continents into funny patterns, do you think he’s likely to evacuate everyone living there to safety first?” To the folks who end up dead, it doesn’t really matter if they got killed out of malice or apathy. “Plus, he’s still an Outsider; his entire existence is antithetical to reality, and the more time he spends on Earth, the more he’ll mess with reality.”

Lash grimaced, and gave a single shake of her head. “Then you should be the one to raise the alarm.” Lash insisted. “You have connections with the Council, with the Winter Court, the knights of the Cross. You can raise the alarm more effectively than I could.”

“All those connections think I’m dead. I show up alive again, they’re more likely to think it’s a trap, and even if they don’t I’ll probably be too busy explaining why I’m not dead to actually make anyone listen to a word I have to say.” I gave a slightly embarrassed cough, and added. “Besides, you know the Outside better than I do. I can play navigator alright, but there’s a big difference between saying where the tracking spell points and doing the driving myself. I don’t even know if I could make it back by myself.”

Lash had her mouth halfway open to deliver a retort, but after a long moment she said nothing. She offered a few more half-formed objections, but she couldn’t put together a solid argument, and I saw the anger and frustration mounting behind her eyes. I went in for the kill. “Please Lash. You’re the only one who can do this.” Between the situation and our location, I couldn’t help but add. “Help me Obi-wan Lashobi. You’re my only hope.”

That got a brief chuckle out of Lash, proving that a joke doesn’t have to be very good to make someone laugh at it. She finally stopped pacing the room, and I heard her whisper four tiny words under her breath.“Damn you, Harry Dresden.” With a sigh, Lash gave me her final answer. “Very well, I’ll do it.”

“’Course you will.” I gave her a smile. “No woman can resist my rugged charms.”

“If that’s the case, perhaps you should be more careful in your dealings with the ponies.” Lash shot back with a smirk. “They are impressionable young women, after all.”

That set me back on my heels. I mean, they were cute little cartoon critters and all, but not that kind of cute. Ew. “Low blow Lash, low blow.

Lash gave me a mocking bow. “I learned from the master.”

I chuckled and gave a bow in return. Have to admit, while I’m generally not a fan of getting properly zinged, a part of me did admire just how effectively she’d shot me down. Credit where it’s due; she got me good with that one.

Lash and I just sat there, lingering for a long moment, before she spoke. “I should go. The sooner I get back to Earth…”

“The more time you’ll have to raise the alarm and get everyone ready.” I finished for her. I brought my hand up to my neck, and hesitated for a moment before handing my mother’s pentacle amulet over to her. “If you need some credentials, this should be enough to get your foot in the door with right people.” My mother’s necklace was a pretty distinctive item; at the very least my grandfather and my brother would recognize it right away.

Lash stared at the necklace in surprise for a couple seconds before taking it from me. Aside from my blood and one or two stories I’d heard from my father before he died, that battered little silver pentacle was the only thing I had that gave a real connection with my mother. Saying that it had extreme sentimental value didn’t even start to cover things. Plus, I killed a werewolf with it once (long story).

“One other thing, Lash.” I took a deep breath, and very weakly said. “If – if things don’t work out, make sure that pentacle gets to my daughter. And keep an eye on her for me, will you?” Odds were Tessa hadn’t spread the word on my daughter, she wouldn’t want someone else beating her to the punch after all, but I had plenty of enemies out there.

Probably even worse than the enemies, I had a lot of people who’d been after my power over the years. I still don’t know all the details about why they were after me, but everything from Outsiders like He Who Walks Behind (who I guessed was from a part of the Outside nastier than Fictionland) to Faerie Queens to even the Nickleheads had taken some kind of interest in me over the years. Some of my enemies might leave my daughter alone if I ever kicked the bucket, but the ones who were after me to serve as a pawn in their games would probably jump at the chance to grab Maggie as a replacement for me. Stars and Stones, Mab would just love to get her hands on a young impressionable girl with my bloodline instead of being stuck with someone as stubborn and insistent on doing things his way as I was, and Mab was theoretically one of my allies.

“I shall watch over the girl, should it prove necessary.” Lash assured me. “As well as attend to any other affairs you may leave behind.”

“Thanks.” Just ‘thanks’ sounded pretty inadequate for what she was doing to help me, but I couldn’t find the words for anything better. I’d gone through hell to save my little girl. I knew Michael Carpenter would take good care of her, probably a hell of a lot better than I could do even if I didn’t have all my other problems, but knowing Lash would be there too helped.

Lash and I stood there awkwardly for a moment. “Um, I’ll see you when you get back, Harry.”

“Yeah, talk to you soon.” I added lamely.

Lash turned around, and a second later the fabric of reality rippled around her. Then she was gone.

For a moment I just stood there staring at the place where Lash had been, and hoping I hadn’t made a really big mistake.

One short walk later, I was back at the Atrium again. The four depressed ponies were still clustered around Rainbow Dash, but all four of them perked up hopefully when I entered the room. “Alright guys –er, girls.” Smooth opening Harry, real smooth. “Here’s the plan. We need to make a stretcher or something so you guys can carry Rainbow Dash without jostling her around too much. Then we go back to Equestria, get some help for her, save Twilight, smack Nicky and Discord with the Elements, and then we all go to Pinkie’s victory party and eat so much cake we all get stomach aches.”

Seeing the renewed hope on the faces of all four ponies felt damn good. “Fluttershy, you keep an eye on Rainbow Dash while the rest of us rig up something to carry Dash with. Doesn’t have to be pretty, but we don’t want it falling apart on us halfway or bouncing her around every time we hit a rough spot in the road.”

The three ponies on transportation-building duty all hopped to their task, eager to finally have something they could do to help. There’s few feelings worse than helplessness; knowing that a friend is dying and there’s nothing you can do about it is probably the worst feeling in the world. I’ve had my share of times when the monsters got to me, but for all those experiences couldn’t compete with something like when Michael was in the hospital after our last tangle with Tessa and the Nickleheads, and I’d been outside an operating room with his wife and kids, waiting for some of the longest, most horrible hours of my life to find out whether he was going to survive.

Since things were finally starting to look up a bit, naturally this is when the universe decided to throw more trouble my way.

I felt them through the Force a few seconds before I saw them. Imperial shuttlecraft. Of course; we’d just had a knock-down drag out battle in the middle of the Empire’s capital, one with a bunch of Force users and lightsaber wielders, no less. That kind of thing gets noticed, especially when it all goes down in the middle of a ruined Jedi temple. Odds were, the Empire had some sort of monitors around the area, just in case any Jedi that slipped through the net started feeling sentimental and showed up. I don’t think it would to much good to try to explain to the stormtroopers that I was an interdimensional traveler, not a rogue Jedi.

“We’ve got company on the way girls. How’s the stretcher coming along?”

“It’d be goin a lot faster if someone wasn’t bein’ so fussy about every little detail!” Applejack shouted back.

“Fussy?” Rarity let out a dramatic gasp. “Fussy! I am not being fussy! I am simply trying to do things properly!”

“If by getting’ in done properly, y’mean takin’ five times longer’n we need to.” Applejack snapped.

“You would prefer we make poor Rainbow ride on a shoddy little pair of twigs that fall apart the instant somepony so much as sneezes at them, I suppose?” Rarity shot back archly.

“Both of you shut up!” If not for the trouble that was about to come down on all of us, I’d feel bad about yelling at the ponies like that. “We don’t have time for you two to argue. Rainbow Dash doesn’t have time for it.” The unicorn and farmpony both looked a bit ashamed when I mentioned the wounded friend they were inadvertently putting into peril. “Get it done fast, but get it done right.” I turned to Pinkie Pie. “If those two start up again, you have my permission to smack them both upside the head until they stop messing around and get back to business.”

“Okie dokie lokie.” For once, Pinkie Pie sounded deadly serious. With Rainbow’s life on the line, even our crazy little party pony wasn’t in a joking mood for once.

Fortunately Pinkie didn’t have to do anything more to keep her friends focused, but even though Rarity and Applejack were doing the best they could with what materials they could find, it was starting to look like they wouldn’t get done before the place was swarming with stormtroopers. It’s not exactly easy to build a stretcher out of whatever random crap you manage to find in a ruined temple with a five minute time limit.

Their best wasn’t going to be good enough. “I’ll go slow them down for a bit. Pinkie, as soon as they get that stretcher done, you take them and Rainbow and get out of here.” The ponies all looked like they were about to object to that last part, until I added. “As soon as you get them out of here and to somewhere safe, then you come right back here and save my ass!” I’m all for nobility, but I was planning on getting out of this thing alive.

Good news was, drawing the attention of the stormtroopers wasn’t hard at all. They were here to hunt Jedi after all, so a guy running around on the outside of the ruined temple with an activated lightsaber proved to be quite effective as an attention-grabber. The bad news was, these guys weren’t running around in unarmed shuttlecraft, and apparently unless you were a Jedi whose last name was Skywalker the Empire didn’t even try to take prisoners.

My goose would’ve been cooked if not for the fact that the stormtroopers were shooting at me with all their usual precision. Seriously, it takes some high-quality marksmanship to throw as much high-grade firepower at me as they did and not manage to score a single hit. It was enough to make me wonder if stormtroopers have a ‘no hitting heroes’ rule the same Equestria had all those rules that kept things from ever getting too kid-unfriendly.

Just in case the stormtroopers did actually manage to hit the broad side of a barn for once, I kept moving to make their job harder. Problem is, when you’re stuck up on a floating platform with half a dozen gunships flying around and swooping to take potshots at you, there aren’t many directions you can run in, especially since I wanted to keep moving away from the ponies. Despite its inaccuracy, the sheer amount of firepower coming my way wasn’t exactly giving me much time to do anything other than keep moving, and make sure I wasn’t about to lead the bad guys straight to the ponies.

I turned a corner, and managed to buy a few seconds reprieve from the storm of fire when they lost line of sight on me, and I quickly looked for somewhere I could slip away into. Because I have terrible, terrible luck, not only was there nowhere good for me to slip away into, but I was actually stuck in a dead end; about fifty feet away there was a downed pillar blocking any further retreat. Great. Just great.

I wonder, did the stormtroopers deliberately herd me into a dead end, or was I just that unlucky?

My life would’ve been less complicated if I had a way to get them out of their gunships and searching for me on foot instead. I mean, I could probably use the Force to down a gunship or two if I got creative enough, but using the Force like that was a big grey area.

Killing Denarians wasn’t a big deal; they’d cut so many deals with their demon-buddies that they didn’t even really qualify as human anymore But stormtroopers? They were just ordinary (well, potentially cloned, but otherwise ordinary) human beings who were just doing the job years of Imperial propaganda had told them was good and righteous.

One thing my magic and the Force both have in common is that they’re really about the essence of life itself. Using either one as a weapon to kill people, turning the very essence of life itself into a weapon of murder, it does bad things to you. I’d killed with magic once in self-defense, and the experience left a taint on me that still hadn’t faded away years later. Pretty sure it was part of why I kept having my stumbles with the Dark Side, though my most recent one was a bit more literal than the ones I’d experienced in the past. Once you let a bit of the darkness into your heart, it’s always going to be a part of you. Not a big part, and certainly not the most important part, but it would always be there. Another Yoda quote randomly sprang into my head: “Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny,”

So, I couldn’t run anymore, and my options for fighting were limited by my recent brush with the Dark Side. Not much I could do except stand my ground, and hope Pinkie showed up to pull my skinny wizard butt out of here soon.

A second later the gunships finally rounded the corner, and I mentally prepared myself to do as much dodging as I could. If I could dodge the first couple shots, there should be enough dust and debris to give me some cover, and a chance to double back around and make a run for it. Hopefully I could find a way to keep on the move without doing too much backtracking; every step I took back was another step closer to the ponies, after all.

I was so ready to put my plan into action that it took me a couple seconds to realize that the Imperial craft weren’t actually shooting at me. They were just floating there, watching me. I could only think of two reasons they could possibly be refraining from blasting me to bits; one of them was cautiously optimistic, and the other was really, really, really bad.

I stretched out my awareness to try and find out which it was. A few moments later, I noticed another presence A cold, dead presence that still radiated unspeakable power. A presence that was still miles away from me, but seemed to be headed right my way, and quickly.

So, the bad one then.

The Empire wasn’t going to trust stormtroopers to handle what they thought was a rogue Jedi, they were bringing in the big guns. I’d survived my fight with Tessa by the skin of my teeth, and only because she didn’t know as much as I did about the Force, and was held back by trying to use her lightsaber the wrong way. A properly trained Sith wasn’t going to have either of those problems.

And to think, I’d been happy when I found out I was in the Star Wars universe. Out of all the ways I expected I might eventually buy the farm one day, I’ve got to admit that getting gutted like a fish by Darth Vader hadn’t been something I’d anticipated. I thought about trying to make a run for it, but I’m pretty sure if I had the gunships would’ve gone from patiently waiting to blasting me into tiny little pieces.

A minute later the shuttle landed, and I could already swear I heard the unmistakable sounds of mechanical breathing. I was so utterly boned. Maybe I could find some way to stall for time, like the old fake surrender gambit. I doubt it would fool for them for long, but I only needed to hold them off long enough for Pinkie Pie to save my skinny wizard butt.

A landing ramp extended from the shuttle, and a single figure clad in an all-too familiar suit of black armor descended towards me. I barely understood how to use the Force, and even i could feel a tangible aura of cold, implaccable evil radiating off of the man.

“Yo, little orphan Annie.” I greeted one of the greatest villains in all of cinematic history. “’Sup?” Like I said, I tend to make really bad jokes when I'm scared.

In response, Vader slowly and deliberately activated his lightsaber. “I sense great fear in you, young Jedi.” Damn. It is so much harder to play it cool when the bad guys have that whole telepathic emotion-sensing thing through the Force. Then again, my whole ‘act like a smartass to hide how scared I am’ routine never seemed to work on the really smart baddies anyway. I guess when you’ve been in the evil business for as long as the likes of Nicodemus have, you’ve run into plenty of plucky heroes over the years.

Vader opened with a simple one-handed overhead strike. I blocked the attack two-handed, and still barely managed to keep it from hitting me. After half a dozen more blows I blocked by the smallest of margins, I was starting to feel just a tiny bit less terrified. Sure, I was still horribly outmatched, but every second I stayed alive was proof that things weren't quite as bad as I'd been afraid of.

I sensed an opening in his defenses, and went for it. I didn't hit, but for a brief second I'd forced him back on his heels. It wasn't a win, it wasn't even anything close to one, but it was a sign that I might not be utterly doomed. Maybe, just maybe, I had a slim chance of making it out of this in one piece after all.

Our blades met again, and with a single contemptuous flick of his lightsaber, the Sith Lord slapped my weapon out of my hand, sending it tumbling out into the void..

Or maybe Vader had just been toying with me for a bit before finishing me off.

Okay, this was bad. “Uh ... parley?”

Judging from his silence and the way he brought up his blade for a decapitating strike, it didn't look like Vader was in the mood for negotiations. Guess you have to be a family member to get a 'join me and we can rule together' offer out of him.

A second before Vader's blade would have taken my head off, a pair of pink legs grabbed me from behind, and yanked me out of reality.

“Nice save, Pinkie.” I never thought I’d be glad to be back in the Outside again, but it beat the heck out of where I’d been five seconds ago.

“No problem, Harry.” Pinkie answered, her voice still completely devoid of its usual light-hearted bounciness. “I grabbed your laser sword too.” Well, that was good news; since my lightsaber had just been my staff, blasting rod, and other wizard tools transformed by the dimensional shift, losing the sword would mean losing all my other gear. We were already in twenty different kinds of trouble as it was; I really didn’t need to be deprived of a big chunk of my ability to use magic on top of everything else.

The lot of us set off for Equestria; I didn’t bother firing my tracking spell back up this time; I was pretty sure Pinkie knew how to find her way home.

Passage of time within the Outside is pretty screwy, so I can’t say exactly how long it was between leaving Star Wars behind and when we ran into the complication.

At first I thought it was just another one of the Outside’s odd little currents. It’s hard to explain, but there’s a certain kind of flow to the Outside. I think if I spent enough time hanging out here and studying it, I could start to understand how all these current ebbed and flowed, what they all meant. I suspect that actually managing to understand the realm of anti-reality would have very unhealthy effects on my long-term sanity though.

Then the current moved, and I realized that it wasn’t some odd little weather phenomenon of the Outside, it was an actual entity. That was a fairly terrifying realization, to know that there was something out there that existed on such a huge scale. It made me feel very small, to realize that there were entities that existed on such a massive scale. It must be how ants feel whenever they look up at people, and realize we wipe out entire ant nests just because we find them mildly inconvenient.

“You see him too, don’t you Harry?” Pinkie spoke up. “It’s Discord.”

Wait, that was Discord? A fresh wave of fear hit me as I contemplated the sheer scale of the creature once more. We really were like tiny little bugs to him. Maybe that explained what his deal was; we were ants, and he was the bored little kid with a magnifying glass. What did it matter to him if we were suffering or dying? All he cared about was the fact that our misery could buy him a few moments of diversion before he moved on to his next victim.

But why was Discord in the Outside, instead of Equestria? “Pinkie, is he coming after us?”

“Nopey-dopey.” Pinkie answered tensely. “Doesn’t look like he knows we’re here.” I guess that figures; one of the advantages of being the tiny little ants, metaphorically speaking, is that it made slipping under the radar a lot easier to manage.

That did, however, raise the question of what Discord was doing running around in the Outside, if he wasn’t here to blast us before we even got to Equestria. “Where’s he going?”

Pinkie hesitated to answer for a few seconds, and finally admitted. “It looks like he’s headed for your home, Harry.”

“Crap.” Well, looks like sending Lash back to Earth was the right move. At least this way they’d have a bit of warning before Discord hit them. That did raise an interesting question for us though; did we still go to Equestria, or was Discord bringing Twilight and the Elements with him?

A quick check of my tracking spell confirmed that Twilight wasn’t with him; I couldn’t be sure about the Elements though. I could probably come up with some way to track the Elements using the connection between them and their wielders, but even if I’d worked the spell out, casting it while I was in the Outside was an iffy proposition at best.

If Discord was leaving Twilight behind, odds were he hadn’t left her free and clear. At the very least, he would have guards keeping an eye on the last pony we needed to rescue. More likely than that, this was all some sort of elaborate trap. We think it’s safe to go to Equestria and rescue Twilight Sparkle now that Discord’s gone, and end up getting hammered by something we don’t see coming now that we’ve let our guard down.

Didn’t really matter if this was all some sort of elaborate trap or not though; we still needed Twilight back regardless. Whatever nasty surprises Discord had waiting for us, we’d just have to find a way to beat them. “Keep us headed to Equestria, Pinkie.”

A while later, we hit the by now way too familiar experience of transitioning from the Outside into reality again. Right away I noticed something seemed a not quite right. Everyone except Pinkie was doing the usual moaning and groaning that accompanied every universe transition, but this time around there seemed to be a lot more complaining, and their voices sounded subtly off. I didn’t feel nearly as bad as the first time I hit Equestria, but I attributed that to being a bit more experienced with dimensional travel now.

It took me a second to realize that there was a very different answer; I was still a human. Seems like an odd thing to not notice right away, but when you spend your entire life as a human, you tend to start taking the whole being in a human form thing for granted. However, if I was human, then we weren’t in Equestria. I turned around to find Pinkie and get an explanation, and got my second helping of surprise.

Instead of five ponies, there were five human girls in their late teens lying on the ground. The bright, colorful and distinctive hair at least kept me from being too confused about what the heck had happened. Guess it figures that if Equestria turned people into ponies, there would be places somewhere in the Outside that turned ponies into people. I was just grateful that they’d also picked up clothes when they got turned human; I really didn’t need the awkwardness of seeing them humanized and naked.

Pinkie Pie, if the girl’s pink hair and general lack of Fluttershy-esque timidity was anything to judge by, was the first of the girls to recover from being humanized, and took one look at herself and her friends before letting out a very annoyed growl. “Horseapples! Ponyfeathers!” Hearing Pinkie Pie curse, even if it was just the very sanitized cartoon pony cursing, sounded strange and just plain wrong.

“What’s got you in a tizzle, sugarcube?” Applejack asked as she picked herself up off the ground. The stretcher the ponies had managed to cobble together for Rainbow Dash had been crudely harnessed to the girl, and when Applejack tried to get up on all fours, it didn’t take her long to notice the problem, and it startled her so badly that her reaction nearly dumped Rainbow Dash onto the ground. ”What in tarnation?”

Rarity got as far as, “Applejack, what ever are you making such a fuss –“ before she realized what was going on herself, and let out a shocked and horrified yell.

Fluttershy opted for her classic ‘try to hide behind her hair and disappear into a hole in the ground’ routine she always fell back on when nervous or unsure of herself.

Rarity was the first non-Pinkie ex-pony to recover from her shock. The former unicorn turned a toxic glare at Pinkie and in a saccharine sweet tone that gradually transitioned into an enraged screech said. “Pinkie Pie, darling, be a dear and FIX THIS NOW!”

I opted for a calmer approach, but I suppose I wouldn’t be nearly so upset when I hadn’t undergone any involuntary shapeshifting. “This isn’t Equestria.”

“No, really?” Pinkie snapped at me in a very un-Pinkie display of biting sarcasm. My fault for playing Captain Obvious in the hopes of calming everyone down.

“What went wrong Pinkie?” I asked the guide, still trying to stick to playing the voice of reason. We were still on a time limit to get Rainbow back to Equestria, after all; letting everyone take five minutes to make a big deal out of being human-ified was time we couldn’t afford to spend.

Pinkie rubbed a fist under her chin, a motion that seemed oddly out of place until I realized it would be a lot more sensible if she were in pony form and doing it with hooves instead. “Equestria’s supposed to be here! Discord must’ve messed around with things so much that it’s destabilizing the relationship between the real Equestria and the derivative universes.”

“Derivative universes?”

“Yeah. Like, if someone makes a story that isn’t part of the real Equestria, but enough people read it and believe in it, then...“

“It makes its own little pocket-dimension.” I guess it did kind of make sense. I mean, if a piece of original fiction could make a whole new universe sitting in the Outside once it hit whatever the critical mass was supposed to be, it figured that a fan work that hit the same critical mass would do the same thing.

Super. Not only did we have to find Equestria, we had to find the right Equestria out of who knows how many other versions of it. “You can find the real Equestria, right Pinkie?”

“I can definitely find it.” Pinkie assured me. “I’ll need to pop around a bit to figure out how much Discord changed things, but I’ll definitely find it eventually.”

Eventually. That’s a surprisingly ominous word, sometimes. I gave Rainbow Dash a quick once-over, or as much of one as I could manage when she was mostly covered in bandages. She was still alive, but her condition was fading fast. “Pinkie, we might not have time to find Equestria eventually.”

For a second it looked like Pinkie would break down crying right then and then and there, but she forced herself to hold back her tears, and rushed forward to grab the lot of us. “Then we better get started right away.” She declared seriously, before taking us back into the Outside.

We landed into reality right in front of another Pinkie Pie. If it were any other pony, there being more than one of her would’ve surprised. At least I and everyone else were ponies this time around; that had to be a sign that at least Pinkie was on the right track.

“Howdy!” Pinkie #2 bounced around us, and her eyes fell on the injured Rainbow Dash. “What happened to Dashie? I was gonna make cupcakes with her this afternoon!” The second Pinkie gave Dash a quick once-over, and then cheerfully declared. “Oh well, it looks like I can still make cupcakes with her, it’s just not gonna be as much as I was hoping for. Darn.” The second Pinkie looked dejected for a moment, before turning her attention to us with a slightly maniacal gleam in her eyes. “Oh, I know! Maybe one of you could help me make cupcakes instead!”

Without a word of warning or explanation, our Pinkie yanked us out of the dimension. “What was all that about?” I asked.

“You don’t want to know.” I was about to tell Pinkie Pie that yeah, I kinda did, when she repeated very firmly. “You don’t want to know.”

Okie dokie then. I guess that odd little encounter would just have to remain a mystery.

We popped back into reality in the middle of some sort of barren wasteland.

“Celestia’s flaming orgasms!”

“Oh wow, we’re still way off-base.” Pinkie commented, before waving at the very shocked unicorn in front of us. “Hey there Littlepip!” Before the stunned unicorn could reply, Pinkie zapped us out again.

The next bit of reality we hit at least looked like the Equestria I was familiar with, so that was a good sign. The Applejack doppelganger standing a few feet away, staring at the lot of us along with her little sister proved we were still off-target though.

“Gravy!” Applejack #2 exclaimed.

“Buy some apples!” Applebloom added.

“Think I got it figured out now.” Pinkie declared cheerfully. “We’ll be back in Equestria in two shakes of a pony’s tail. Well, a pony other than me, ‘cause if my tail was shaking then it would mean something was about to fall.” Pinkie tugged us back into the Outside.

Our final landing put us on what looked like the outskirts of the Everfree Forest. From the look of things we’d landed in Equestria at noon, and on a scorcher of a day too. At least, I was pretty hopeful that that this time around we’d finally hit Equestria proper, since a second or so after we arrive Pinkie cheerfully declared. “See? I told you guys I’d get us back home eventually!”

Being back in pony form wasn’t exactly the happiest experience of my life, but it went with the territory. At least what muscle memory I had of how to move like a pony hadn’t disappeared on me after a couple days of being back to humanity. I still felt awkward compared to my normal self, but it was a nice improvement over where I’d been the first time I landed in Equestria, and had a hard time managing anything beyond the basic tasks of standing up and walking.

I trotted over to Applejack, and joined Fluttershy in giving Rainbow Dash a quick look-over. There were so many bandages covering the wounded pony that she resembled a mummy, but she was still breathing. We’d made it in time. Rainbow would still probably need months to heal from her injuries the normal way, but the land of magical ponies should have some decent healing spells available to speed the healing process up.

I brought up my tracking spell in the hopes finding out which way we needed to go to find Twilight, but instead of anything useful the spell told me she was straight down. Weird. Considering the differences between my magic and Equestrian magic, my tracking spell must be glitching out on me.

I was about to consult the other ponies for advice on what our next should be when I heard the sound of something crashing through the trees. The five of us tensed up and got ready for trouble, just in case it was one of Discord’s minions or some of the Everfree’s local wildlife, but instead a vaguely familiar looking grey pegasus crashed through the treetops and landed on a nearby branch. It wasn’t until I saw her crooked eyes that I remembered where I’d seen her before. The pony who’d delivered Discord’s letter.

“Hey girls!” The pegasus (Rainbow had called her Derpy, right?) called out to us. A second after she called out her greeting, the tree branch she’d been standing on broke, tumbling the pony unceremoniously to the ground. Derpy got back up on her hooves, gave a quick shake of her head to clear out the (literal) stars spinning around it, and continued on as if nothing had happened. “The princess told me I’d find you here, so I came here and I found you!”

The pegasus’s crooked eyes fixed on Rainbow Dash, and she immediately flitted over to the wounded warrior. “You okay Rainbow Dash?” Derpy practically yelled into Rainbow’s ear. Rainbow groaned in response, which seemed to be enough of an answer to satisfy Derpy.

“Derpy, sugarcube.” Applejack began, displaying her usual patience for oddness of the ponies around her. “You said the princess sent ya to find us; don’tcha reckon ya oughta take us back to her?” Applejack tossed a look over her shoulder at Rainbow Dash, “Bet the Princess could patch Rainbow up right good.”

“Oh yeah!” Derpy agreed, nodding enthusiastically. The wall-eyed pegasus promptly began leading us on a meandering course through the woods, until we hit the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres. Derpy shot a slightly ashamed look back at Applejack, and said. “We kinda needed food to eat, so we’ve been taking apples from your orchard. Big Macintosh said it was okay.”

“Big Mac’s alright? What about Apple Bloom and Granny Smith?”

“They’re okay too.” Derpy glanced over at Rarity, and added. “And Sweetie Belle. The Princess saved them all before Discord got to them.” Derpy gave a big, goofy grin, and cheerfully declared. “I helped her!”

“Well thank ya kindly, sugarcube.”

“Yes, thank you very much Derpy. Once all this is done I’ll make you a nice dress, no charge.”

Derpy didn’t say anything in response, but the happy little grin that refused to leave her face for the next several minutes was answer enough.

Eventually we reached the edge of Applejack’s orchard, right in front of the barn. Derpy hesitated for a moment at the edge of the treeline, and then quickly flew over, pulled open a pair of cellar doors near the barn, and shot inside. “In here!” The pegasus called out to us. “Hurry! It’s really hot when you’re not in the shade.”

“Uh, sugarcube?” Applejack called out uncertainly. “You sure the Princess is in mah apple cellar?”

“The Princess made it bigger.” Derpy called back. “She told me this was an underground resistance movement against Discord, so I made sure we found a good underground place to use.”

The ponies and I all looked at each other, and there were shrugs all around. With the benefit of hindsight, maybe sending the village idiot out for vitally important messenger duty wasn’t the best strategy, even if she worked for the post office most days. With no better course of action to follow, we sprinted across the open field and into the apple cellar. Derpy was right about one thing; it was hot enough outside the shade to fry an egg on the sidewalk.

True to the grey pony’s words Applejack’s cellar looked like it had undergone some rather extensive renovations recently. The most notable addition was a large door at the opposite end of the cellar, guarded by a pair of very burly and heavily armored dark grey pegasi. I couldn’t quite tell in the poor lighting conditions of the cellar, but I could swear they had bat wings instead of the normal feathery pegasus wings.

The two door guards gave us a critical once-over, and then opened the door for us. Derpy lead us through a confusing warren of tunnels that all looked freshly dug, until we came to yet another door guarded by another set of identical pegasi to the first door. After another few seconds of examination, the two guards opened the doors for us, and we were granted admittance to the throne room.

Well, as much of a throne room as one could have when you were stuck in a hastily-constructed underground tunnel complex. Considering how much time it had been since Discord took over they’d done a pretty good job; the walls, floor, and ceiling were all nicely packed down instead of being made of loose crumbly earth, there were no tree roots hanging from the ceiling, and there were even a few rugs and a pair of crude wooden thrones. The larger of the two thrones sat empty, but the second throne held the Princess of the Night.

“VALIANT DERPY HOOVES.” Princess Luna announced with her usual ear-blasting volume. “WE ARE PLEASED TO SEE THAT THOU HAST ONCE AGAIN RETURNED SUCCESSFULLY FROM THE TASK THAT WE HAVE ASSIGNED TO THEE.” Derpy gave an almost sheepish grin as she dropped down into the pony equivalent of a bow. “PLEASE REMAIN, VALIANT DERPY HOOVES, WHILE WE DISCUSS MATTERS OF GRAVE IMPORT WITH THE BEARERS OF THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY.”

By the end of Luna’s introduction, all of us were rubbing our ears in pain, something the Princess graciously took note of, if her lowered volume was any indication. It had been bad enough last time, but now that we were in a confined space with little miss yelling pony, her ongoing volume control problems were really bad.

“We are pleased by thy return, Bearers of the Elements of Harmony.” Luna declared. “When we learned of Twilight’s captivity and your own absence from Equestria, we feared that all might be lost to us. Thy return brings renewed hope to our cause.”

I dug back into my brain for what I could remember of my old-fashioned protocol, and hoped it would be enough to satisfy the rather behind-the-times princess. “Your Highness, if I may?” Luna gave a nod for me to proceed. “We have just returned to Equestria after many trials and tribulations. As Your Highness can no doubt see, our companion Rainbow Dash is in need of medical treatment, and in truth we know little of what has occurred in Equestria during our absence.”

Luna gave a single regal nod to me, which presumably meant I hadn’t done too badly at following the old rules of conduct, and took a few steps down from her throne to get a better look at Rainbow. “Our personal physicians shall attend to Rainbow Dash’s wounds, and we lend our power to their aid in the casting. We shall have need of her strength for what is to come.” Luna seemed to hesitate for a moment, and then very slowly continued. “As for the matter of what has passed in Equestria these last days … ‘tis a difficult matter to discuss.”

“Discord turned Princess Celestia mean.” Derpy Hooves announced.

Luna shot a look halfway between annoyance and gratitude at the grey pegasus. “Though it saddens us, what valiant Derpy Hooves says is true. ‘Twould seem that after he captured our sister, he worked his foul magics ‘pon her, until he twisted her much as we were once twisted.”

“So, Discord turned her into, like Daymare Sun?” Pinkie asked with something resembling her usual level of bubbly enthusiasm. I guess knowing Rainbow Dash was going to be alright had finally bumped her mood up a bit, though her hair still hadn’t gone back to bouncy.

“That name is unacceptable.” Luna declared regally.

“How about White Snooty then?” Pinkie offered reasonably. “Or Princess Pernicious?”

“NO!” Luna snapped, slamming a hoof on the dirt floor giving us another dose of the old booming royal voice. “OUR SISTER’S NAME IS CELESTIA. SHE SHALL BE FREED FROM FOUL DISCORD’S CONTROL ‘ERE LONG. WE SHALL NOT SEE HER BANISHED FOR A MILLENIA, AND HER NAME BLACKENED AND REPUTATION BLACKENED UNTIL THEY STRIKE TERROR INTO THE HEARTS OF FOALS!”

Luna closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and when she spoke again her volume was back to only mildly deafening. “We apologize for our outburst.” An aura of midnight blue lifted Rainbow Dash out of the makeshift stretcher. “We shall attend to Rainbow Dash’s wounds. We suggest that thee and thine companions find thy rest. All of us shall have much to do ‘pon the morrow. We shall speak more on this matter then; for now, the well-being of thy companion Rainbow Dash is of greater importance.”

After Princess Luna dismissed us, the group split up. Each of the ponies had friends, family, and pets to check up on, and after everything I’d gone through I was ready to take Luna’s advice and grab a bit of shuteye. One of the guards directed me to the closest bed chamber, and within moments of finding a bed I was out like a light.

When I woke up the following morning it was to a symphony of aches and pains. Maybe I could blame some of that on the fact that I wasn’t exactly used to sleeping while horse-ified, but I’m pretty sure most of it was from everything I’d been putting my body through lately. If Lash hadn’t been able to patch me up somewhat, I probably would’ve been so sore I wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed. As it was, taking a week off sounded really, really tempting.

Even after a full night of sleep, I was tired. Drained, physically and psychologically. The ponies had to be in just as bad of shape as I was. Most of them had taken some flavor of physical injury, and after going through the twin horrors of mind control and demonic possession, not to mention all the violence they’d found themselves thrust into, I expect most them had some mental scars to go along with the physical ones. And all this was just from dealing with everything leading us up to this point; we still had Discord and Nicodemus to deal with.

Unfortunately for this slightly used wizard and his new pony friends, the bad guys weren’t going to give us time off to patch up our wounds and get over our traumas. We could rest once all this was over; for now all of us didn’t have any choice except to clench our teeth and keep soldiering on. Things were bad, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel. All we had to do was keep hanging on long enough to get there.

The first thing I needed to do was check in on Rainbow Dash. Sure, Luna should’ve healed her up just fine, but there was a big difference between knowing intellectually that Rainbow Dash should be fine and seeing it with my own two eyes.

The second thought on my mind wasn’t so much an articulated intellectual thought as a primal urge expressed by my growling stomach. Given the fact that the ponies weren’t likely to be able to provide me with a hamburger or the like, I opted for visiting Rainbow Dash first. I could survive just fine on a vegetarian diet if I had too, but it just doesn’t seem like a proper meal to me if there isn’t any delicious animal flesh included in the package. Then again, now that I was back to being ponified my herbivore teeth were all wrong for actually eating meat, and it would probably cause trouble for my digestive system anyway.

A couple questions to passing ponies got me directions to the makeshift medical area, which I assumed was the best place to find Rainbow Dash. I was a bit surprised when I saw Pinkie Pie waiting outside the door; from how close Rainbow and she seemed to be, I had been expecting to find her practically glued to the wounded pegasus’ side.

“Hey Pinkie.” I called out to her, only to have her lift a hoof to her lips and make a very forceful shushing noise at me. I wasn’t quite sure why, until I got close enough to hear an indistinct voice with a very country twang speaking in the other room. Looks like Applejack had beaten us both to Rainbow.

Once I got up to the door along with Pinkie, I figured out why she’d warned me off, though I’d had a pretty good guess at it beforehand. Accompanying the farmpony’s words were frequent sniffles and other unmistakable sounds of a very upset pony. Considering where Rainbow’s injuries had come from, it figured that Applejack would need a bit of privacy.

“Dashie’s fine, but she hasn’t woken up yet.” Pinkie whispered to me. “Applejack and Fluttershy are in there with her now, and I didn’t wanna interrupt.”

I nodded, and while it felt a bit wrong to listen in on the other ponies, my curiosity and concern for all the ponies’ wellbeing outweighed my guilt. If Applejack was still drowning in guilt the next time we had serious trouble on our hands, it could add some nasty complications, especially with how fond Discord seemed to be of mind-games the last time I’d run into him.

“It’s not your fault Applejack.” I heard Fluttershy softly reassuring the other pony. “The Denarian forced you to do it. I know you would never want to hurt Rainbow Dash on your own.”

“But that’s just it, ‘shy” Applejack answered, letting out another mournful sniffle. “You know Rainbow and I butted heads every once in a while. Hay, we’ve even gotten into a tussle or two before, like during the Running of the Leaves. What if there was some parta me that wanted to beat her up? Y’all told me last night that Pinkie managed to get loose from the mind control ‘cause of Dash, and Rarity broke free instead of hurtin’ you. But I beat the feathers outta poor Rainbow, instead of getting’ free like they did.”

“You really shouldn’t blame yourself Applejack.” Fluttershy insisted. The gentle pegasus’ voice dropped down to a barely audible whisper. “Um, it wasn’t really your fault. Rainbow would’ve been fine if I hadn’t hurt her earlier.” Oh feathers. Guess our plan to keep that uncomfortable fact hidden from Fluttershy hadn’t worked out.

“When they rescued me from my mind control, Rainbow Dash was hurt.” Fluttershy confessed. “She said she’d just had a rough landing, but I think…” Fluttershy’s words trailed off into muffled sobs, until she finally managed to choke out. “So you see Applejack, it’s really my fault. The only reason you hurt her was because I hurt her first.”

Now it sounded like both of the ponies were crying, and I was horribly tempted to go in there and try to do something, anything I could to comfort them. I mean, I guess I could go in there and try to explain that neither of them should blame themselves for something Discord and the Denarains forced them to do, but that wouldn’t be enough. I could try to explain all the fuzzy little details of mind magic, or at least as much as I knew about it, and how that explained why Rarity had been able to break out the mind control but Applejack and Fluttershy hadn’t. Fluttershy’s Fallen had specialized in mind control after all, and from what Sanya had told me Magog pretty much shut down all of his user’s higher brain functions and replaced them with animal rage.

A technical explanation wouldn’t do any good though. Guilt doesn’t work that way. I would know.

I couldn’t think of any meaningful way I could comfort the two ponies, beyond offering a bunch of stale, empty-sounding platitudes. Certainly not anything that would help enough to make up for how much knowing I had heard their conversation would upset them. Judging by the tears building up in her eyes and the way her hair had lost some of the bounce it had regained since we got Rainbow to safety, Pinkie was in the same situation.

Have I mentioned how much I hate feeling helpless?

Eventually, the two ponies visiting Rainbow managed to collect themselves enough to leave the room, thankfully choosing a different exit from the one Pinkie and I were lingering outside of. A minute later the two of us trotted in to check on Rainbow.

Compared to how she’d been yesterday, Rainbow looked great. If I hadn’t known about everything the pegasus had been through, I’d probably think she was just peacefully sleeping, not recovering from life-threatening injuries.

“Hey Dashie.” Pinkie whispered quietly to the sleeping pegasus. “You’re gonna be in so much trouble when you wake up, because you Pinkie Promised you wouldn’t get hurt, and then you broke your Pinkie Promise.” Pinkie leaned in and gently nuzzled the sleeping mare. “Nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise.”

As I looked down at the sleeping pegasus and the mournful pink pony, an odd through struck me. For some reason, despite all my efforts to suppress the bizarre urge, and I couldn’t help but start quietly laughing. Before long, Pinkie was looking at me like I’d gone completely crazy, and when Pinkie thinks you’ve gone off the deep end, you know you’re in trouble.

As soon as I’d regained my composure, I gave her an explanation. “I just realized, we had the entire Outside to work with. Even if we’d lost Rainbow, there were a couple thousand ways of bringing her back to life. Hay, it probably would’ve made Rainbow’s day if we’d brought her back as a cyborg or something.”

I got a tiny little snort of laughter out of Pinkie at that, which slowly evolved into a proper giggle, “Poor Dashie! She coulda had, like, laser eyes and missile launchers and jet powered wings! She’s gonna be sooooo mad at you when she wakes up!”

That set me to laughing again, and soon the both of us were rolling on the floor, laughing like loons. It felt good to laugh, to just forget about all the trouble we’d been through, and all the trouble we still had left to deal with, and it was nice to see Pinkie back to her usual cheerful irreverent self after seeing her be so sad and serious ever since Rainbow got hurt. Our crazed laughter eventually drew the attention of Fluttershy and Applejack, and then Rarity came trotting down the hall towards us. The sophisticated unicorn took one look at the two of us, sighed, shook her head, and grumbled something about Pinkie Pie’s random ways.

Eventually, the two of us calmed down enough to stop making every pony that could hear us think Pinkie’s finally gone off the deep end. “Are you quite done now?” Rarity asked flatly.

I nodded to Rarity, only for Pinkie to blurt out. “Laser eyes!” and set the both of us to giggling again. Rarity patiently endured our second outburst, and once we were finally done she spoke to me. “Harry, the Princess informed me to bring you and the others to meet with her at once. I believe she wishes to discuss what our next move should be.”

“Our next move?” It’s not like the next step was hard to figure out. “We are going to take back Equestria.”

Rainbow Dash Finally Finds the Spy

Luna slammed a single hoof onto the floor and broke out the earbuster voice. “WE SHALL HAVE SILENCE FOR THIS MEETING OF THE WAR COUNCIL."

Sure enough, all the side conversations came to an abrupt halt. Gotta say, that voice of hers is pretty darn handy when you want to make everyone else shut up and pay attention. “Guards, see to it that all ponies other than our war council, Wizard Harry Dresden, and the Bearers of Harmony are removed, and the room sealed.”

Since the Princess’ War Council meeting was in her throne room, the guards had the usual assortment of petitioners and curious hangers-on to clear out. One of the advantages of having a proper palace instead of having to work out of an enlarged apple cellar was that it was a lot easier to keep the riff-raff out. Not to mention all the handy support staff that tended to go along with being royalty; going from princess to resistance leader had to be a pretty big step down.

As several armored guardponies set to efficiently clearing the room of everyone who didn’t belong, a single silver-maned blue unicorn abruptly stepped forward and bowed in front of Luna. “Princess Luna, my petition is far too important to wait until after the war council meets. Trixie demands that you see her now!”

“Thou demands, dost thou?” Luna fixed the offending unicorn with a very regal yet still very clearly annoyed look, but she did wave off the pair of guards that looked to be seconds away from just dragging Trixie out of the room by force. “Pray tell, what dids’t thou have to say that is of such great import that you feel the need to defy the command of thy princess, and make demands upon her?”

Trixie flinched at the rebuke, but within moment her ego overcame any nervousness she might be feeling, and the unicorn presented herself proudly. “Your Highness, surely the unicorns should be under the command of the most magical unicorn in all of Equestria, the Great and Powerful Trixie.” From the way she reared dramatically upon announcing herself, I’m pretty sure that Trixie still hadn’t gotten used to not having fireworks firing off every time she gave her name out.

Luna seemed less than impressed by Trixie’s introduction. “Pray tell then, what military experience dost thou have which qualifies you for command of the unicorn company?”

Trixie looked nervous for a moment, but quickly recovered. “Trixie has no formal military experience, but Trixie believes that –“

“Thou shalt cease wasting our time.” Luna cut the showpony off coldly. “Guards, remove her.”

“Wait!” Trixie protested as two rather burly unicorns herded her out the door. “Perhaps in light of her lack of formal military training, Trixie could content herself with being second-in-command!” The two guards unceremoniously shoved the unicorn out the door. “Maybe even just a platoon instead of the entire company! A squad, even!” Trixie desperately called out right before the door shut in her face.

With Trixie gone, the only ponies left in the room were me and the four healthy Element-bearers, Princess Luna, a couple guards, two ponies that looked like officers, a unicorn and pegasus who I could now confirm actually did have bat wings, and one of the Wonderbolts,

And Derpy Hooves. Nobody else in the room seemed to be objecting to her presence, so I guess that meant she belonged here. Luna had seemed fond enough of ‘Valiant Derpy Hooves’ yesterday, so I guess that meant Derpy got to sit in on council meetings.

Luna’s horn glowed midnight blue, and a few seconds later a round table with plenty of space and seats for everyone appeared in the middle of the throne room. Luna took her seat in a large, thronelike chair and then told the rest of us. “You have our permission to be seated.” I initially wound up sitting next to Pinkie Pie and Derpy, but within moments of sitting down Derpy’s chair fell apart underneath the pegasus. Derpy gave a sheepish grin and a nervous chuckle, then fluttered over to an unoccupied chair on Luna’s left-hoof side.

Luna turned to the burly bat-winged pegasus. “Captain Hardhooves, your report?”

“We stand ready to serve the throne in whatever capacity you desire, your highness.” The commander answered, bringing one of his forelegs up in a salute. “However, while it’s not critical yet, we do face an impending food shortage. Counting the auxiliaries we have almost a hundred fighting ponies, and just as many children, elderly, and refugees to feed. Keeping that many mouths fed will eventually become a problem. Once we exhaust what’s left of Sweet Apple Acres’ stockpiles, we’ll need to send out foraging parties, which will make staying undetected much more difficult.”

Applejack gave a slight flinch when the discussion turned to her own farm’s rapidly dwindling stockpiles. After all, that was her livelihood the resistance was eating. Luna took note of the farmpony’s concerns. “Fear not, Fair Applejack, we have already made arrangements to compensate thee for any materials our forces consume once we have successfully reclaimed Equestria and freed our sister.” That seemed to solve any worries the farmpony had. Sure, actually getting paid back for all the food she was losing was conditional upon Luna winning the battle for Equestria, but if we lost the economic viability of Sweet Apple Acres was going to be the least of our problems.

Seeing that Applejack’s worries had been addressed. Luna turned her attention to the Wonderbolt. “Captain Spitfire, are the pegasi prepared for war? How goes the training of the civilian auxiliaries?”

“They’re learning, Your Highness.” Spitfire answered. “They might not have much in the way of training or experience, but our volunteers have plenty of guts. Discipline’s a problem though.”

“How quickly canst thou have them prepared for battle?” The princess demanded.

“In a perfect world, I’d like a couple more weeks with them.” Spitfire let out a small sigh. “Guts are important, and we’ve got a couple volunteers who have real potential, but there’s a big difference between a gutsy amateur and a real soldier. If we need to use them soon though, my Wonderbolts should be able to handle running the auxiliaries, though I’d like it if we could get some of the royal guards to help out.” Spitfire let out a self-deprecating chuckle. “The Wonderbolts aren’t exactly soldiers, even if we are better trained than your average civilian.”

“We must make do with the materials we have available; thy performance thus far has been commendable, Captain Spitfire.” Luna turned to what I assumed was the last of her military advisors. “Captain Starshine, are there any problems to report with the Unicorn Guard?”

“No problems to report, Your Highness.” The guardpony confirmed. “Your forces stand ready to serve.”

“Valiant Derpy Hooves.” Luna turned to the wall-eyed mare, who gave the princess a friendly smile in response. “What canst thou tell us of the defenses in Canterlot?”

My first instinct was to be rather stunned that apparently Derpy Hooves was pulling off espionage missions. I didn’t know the pegasus all that well, but everything I’d seen of her indicated that she was a few feathers short of a full wing. Then again, most of the best spies out there are the last person you’d ever suspect of being a spy. Hay’s bells, maybe Derpy was some sort of brilliant super-spy and the whole loveable dim-witted goofball thing was just an elaborate act to throw everyone off.

“Celestia has a lot of guard ponies.” Derpy answered happily. When the princess looked at Derpy expectantly, clearly hoping the pegasus would elaborate, Derpy helpfully added. “Like, a whole bunch of guards!” Upon seeing that this answer still didn’t seem to satisfy the Princess, Derpy added, sounding slightly confused and worried. “Um … there’s a wall too.”

On the other hand, instead of Derpy being some sort brilliant deep-cover super-spy, perhaps it was just another case of Luna making do with what she had.

The princess let out a long-suffering sigh, and very patiently asked. “Hast thou been able to obtain any information regarding Twilight Sparkle’s location?”

“I don’t think she’s in the palace.” Derpy immediately responded. “I spent all day trying to find her and told everypony I could find that I needed to give her a letter, but she wasn’t anywhere I looked and nopony knew where she was, not even her brother or her parents. Celestia wouldn’t even take the letter when I told her I had a delivery for Twilight.”

Well, I suppose that wasn’t a big surprise; I’d tried out my tracking spell a couple more times since in arriving in Equestria, but it kept pointing in a very non-Canterlot direction. At least the fact that the spell still worked at all confirmed that Twilight was still alive.

“Didst thou learn anything else that might be of use to us, Valiant Derpy Hooves?”

“No.” Derpy looked crestfallenly down at the table. “Some of the guards were mean too. They said you’d turned back into Nightmare Moon, and when I told them that wasn’t true they didn’t believe me.”

“Interesting.” I didn’t even realize I’d said that out loud until I noticed everyone else was looking at me. “They’re spreading rumors about Luna. Means they care about PR, and need to justify the conflict between the two of you to the rest of the royal guards. If they’d all gotten Discorded, there wouldn’t be a point in doing that.” Guess Discord didn’t see any reason to bother mind-whammying every single frontline grunt; he’d just hit the leaders and called it a day.

“’Tis a curiosity.” Luna agreed. “’Twould be easily within Discord’s power to unleash his influence upon all of Canterlot. Mayhap his departure from Equestria forced him to weaken his hold over those he has compelled into his service.”

“Sounds likely.” Assuming Equestrian mental compulsions and the like had a reasonable amount of similarity to their real-world counterparts, mind control generally needs a fairly active hand. Most people will subconsciously fight against mind control after all; without constant reinforcement, anyone with a normal amount of willpower can eventually shake off all but the really subtle, sneaky mind-magic. Well, you can just brute-force your mind control to make it impossible to break, but then you end up with mind-thralls that have all free will and initiative burned out of them. Not really useful unless you want servants who are mindless automatons.

From what I’d seen of his work so far, Discord didn’t go for subtle mind magic, but did like to keep some form of twisted free will in play. The Element bearers had just been slapped with a fairly basic “good is bad, bad is good” morality reversal spell. The only pony who’d had a bit more subtlety in her mind whammy had been Rainbow Dash, and that was probably down to the fact that Nicky and Discord were savvy enough to figure out that if you turned Rainbow from super-loyal to super-backstabby, she’d backstab her new Denarian buddies just as quickly as her old pony friends. Nicodemus was smart enough to realize that minions who constantly try backstab aren’t an asset, so I guess that means he’s a smarter evil overlord than Megatron.

“Had we time to spare.” Luna declared. “’Tis possible we could persuade many ponies of the virtue of our cause.” Luna sighed, and pressed on. “However, time is a resource we can ill afford to waste. Discord’s departure no doubt signals the next phase in a greater scheme, and ‘twould be best if we acted to free Celestia from his control before she learns that the Bearers of Harmony have returned to Equestria.”

There was a brief silence, during which I dimly heard the sounds of an argument going on outside the room. I guess the Great and Powerful Trixie was still trying to talk their way past the guards.

Derpy suddenly leapt out of her chair and halfway onto the table “Oh yeah!” The pegasus started excitedly flapping her wings until she’d risen several feet up into the air. “I just remembered, when I went to deliver Twilight’s letter, there were some necklaces and a big crowny thing that were being kept in a display case in the throne room, right next to Celestia.”

“Thou knewest the location of the Elements of Harmony?” There was just a hint of reproach in Luna’s voice when she asked. “Why dids’t thou not mention this sooner?”

Derpy dropped back down into her chair, and promptly broke it. “I forgot.” The pegasus confessed, hanging her head in shame. “But I remembered now! So … so that makes it okay, right? Are we still friends?”

The princess of the night favored the simple pegasus with a smile. “Yea, Valiant Derpy Hooves. Thou recalled the information we required, and we shall not hold thy lapse against thee.” Derpy stared at the princess with a hopeful smile and a confused look on her face, until Luna sighed and stated, with considerably less decorum and archaic-ness. “Yes, Valiant Derpy Hooves, we are still friends.” Luna procured a new chair with her telekinesis, and lifted Derpy into it.

“Now then.” Luna returned her attention to the rest of the impromptu war council. “With the return of the Bearers of Harmony we believe that the time has come to reclaim Equestria and free our sister from Discor’d grasp. As soon as Rainbow Dash has recovered from her wounds –“

“Did somepony just call for the coolest pony in Equestria?”

All of us whirled around to see that Rainbow Dash had just made her dramatic entrance. A second later two of the royal guard pegasi moved up to flank her, slightly menacing the pegasus. “Our apologies, Your Highness, but we weren’t able to –“

“It is of no import.” Luna answered regally. “Had we known that Rainbow Dash was recovered, we would have instructed you to allow her admittance.” As the two guards withdrew, Luna turned her attention to Rainbow Dash. “Our doctor informed us that thou would require at least another full day of bedrest ‘ere thou coulds’t join us.”

“Yeah, well, your docs must’ve forgotten that I’m awesome.” The pegasus turned her attention to her friends, and gave them all a single casual wave. “Hey guys.”

“Dashie!” A pink blur shot forward to tackle-hug Rainbow Dash. For a while the pink pony was content to just cling to her friend, but then I spotted tears in her eyes as Pinkie started weakly clubbing Rainbow’s chest with one of her hooves. “You Pinkie Promised me Dashie! You Pinkie Promised that you wouldn’t get hurt!”

“Sorry Pinkie. But hey, I’m okay now, so it’s all good.”

The rest of whatever conversation the two ponies would’ve had suffered an abrupt interruption as the rest of Rainbow’s friends decided to join in on the hugging. Apparently the meeting of the War Council was going on hold for a couple minutes on account of a group hug. Only in the land of girly magical cartoon ponies.

I suppose I should just be grateful that none of them were dragging me into it. Luna and the rest of the ponies on her council seemed fine with giving the friends a few minutes, while Derpy seemed to be trying to work out whether or not she’d be allowed to join in on the group hug action. Eventually the grey pegasus made up her mind and dove right in, and seemed to be accepted readily enough.

Sadly for the ponies, group hug time couldn’t last forever, and eventually we had to get back to business. “As we were saying before Rainbow Dash joined us,” Luna resumed. “We believe that the return of the Bearers of Harmony represents an opportunity to rescue our sister and free Equestria from Discord’s influence. It should be within the power of the Elements to undo whatever witchcraft Discord has wrought upon our sister.”

“Beg pardon Princess,” Applejack cut in. “But how are we supposed to use the Elements of Harmony without Twilight?”

“Yeah, she’s the one who wears the big crowny thing.” Pinkie added. “That’s gotta be, like, the most super-duper important one of them all,”

“Twilight Sparkle’s absence is regrettable.” Luna agreed. “However, unless she can be located and freed within the next few hours, we shall simply have to proceed as best we can without her. In the first conflict with Discord, we wielded the power of Harmony alongside our sister to strike him down. In Twilight Sparkle’s absence, we shall take up the Element of Magic in her place.”

I had a feeling the Elements wouldn’t take a substitution like that very easily. None of the ponies really knew Luna all that well after all, which is a problem when you’re trying to hit the bad guys with weaponized friendship. Then again, Twilight had known her friends for all of a day when they used the Elements on Nightmare Moon, and since I wasn’t optimistic about getting Twilight back with Celestia on the loose, trying to break out the Rainbow of Befriending with Luna was probably our only shot at winning. An iffy long-shot is a hay of a lot better than nothing.

“So, we’ve got people who can make with the magical friendship. Shiny.” There was one little problem I needed to point out though. “We still need to snag the Elements themselves though, and that’s gonna be tricky when Celestia’s keeping them right next to her throne.” Seriously, what kind of cartoon villain keeps the one object that is their weakness in a place where they can keep a close eye on it. Everyone knows cartoon villains are supposed to keep the only thing that could defeat them hidden in a volcano, labyrinth, or catacomb, behind a series of overly elaborate yet easily bypassed deathtraps.

“We shall draw her out.” Luna declared. “If we take the field with our army, then our sister will have no choice but to confront us personally.” Guess it takes one goddess-princess to stand up to another. “Celestia would not risk bringing the Elements to her battle with me, lest they fall into my hooves.”

“So, we send a team to sneak into the castle and snatch the Elements while you’re playing distraction to Celestia.” I had a pretty good idea who that team was going to consist of too; why toss me into the middle of a pitched battle when I could go on a much dangerous infiltration mission instead? “One wrinkle though; if you’re keeping Celestia occupied, we’d have to get all the way back to you before we could actually use them. That’s going to take longer than I’d like, not to mention the risk that she’ll see us coming.”

“Aye, ‘tis a risky plan.” Luna solemnly agreed. “But our presence upon the field of battle is the only thing that would persuade our sister to allow the Elements out of her sight. Were we not present on the field, she would remain in Canterlot, and likely expect some manner of trickery.” Luna held a hoof to forestall any other objections I might have. “We shall do all that we can to delay an actual battle, to give our infiltration team time to complete its mission. Also, ponies have lived together in harmony for a thousand years; we would prefer not to break that harmony unless given no other option. T’would be far preferable if we could end this with merely the threat of war serving as a mask for our true intentions.”

So Luna’s army would just be a bluff to keep Celestia occupied and clear the way for us to grab the Elements. Let’s just hope she could delay things actually coming to blows long enough for us to get the job done; a lot of the standard tricks like drawn-out negotiations might not work on the Discord-ed version of Celestia. “Don’t suppose bluffing her with a fake Luna is an option?”

“Our sister is canny.” Luna confirmed. “And our powers and appearance are unique. We know of no illusions which could stand up to the full intensity of her scrutiny.”

“Super.” Snatching the Elements from out of the royal palace looked to be plenty difficult on its own. Having to cart them all the way back to wherever Luna had set up camp, all while avoiding any enemy patrols and hoping we could somehow stay ahead of the news of our theft, added a whole new level of complication. It really would’ve been nice if we had Twilight and her teleporting around. Heck, Twilight’s little dragon buddy could even help out. Speaking of … “What happened to Spike anyway? His whole message sending thing could be useful.”

“Last I heard he was with Twilight.” Derpy told us. “But he disappeared the same time she did.”

“Darn.” It would’ve saved us a lot of trouble if we could’ve brought Spike along, and just had him send Luna a ‘teleport us out of here’ message once we had the Elements. “So, I guess it’s just me and the five of us?” I waved a foreleg in the direction of the five ponies I’d journeyed across half the multiverse with to get to this point.

“Not quite.” Luna turned her attention to the wall-eyed grey pegasus sitting at her side. “We believe that Valiant Derpy Hooves should accompany your group on its task.”

“Wait, what?” Rainbow cut in. “You want us to take Derpy? We’re trying to sneak into the palace, not accidently wreck it! She’s gonna get us all caught!” Derpy looked heartbroken at that, and Rainbow flinched a bit, and then shot an apologetic look at her fellow pegasus before moderating her tone a bit. “I mean, Derpy’s cool and all. Fluttershy and I were friends with her back in Flight Camp after all, but she’s – well, she’s Derpy.”

“She is just a little accident prone.” Fluttershy timidly agreed. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” She hastily amended. “We like Derpy just the way she is. You’re not mad at me for saying you get into accidents, are you Derpy? Please don’t be mad at me!”

Derpy gave Fluttershy a quick hug to signal that all was forgiven. That’s when Luna spoke up. “THOU SHALT BE ACCOMPANIED BY VALIANT DERPY HOOVES. IT IS OUR WILL.” Sheesh, guess part of being a godlike princess is not taking it well when people tell you no. After taking a moment to lower the volume, Luna continued. “Valiant Derpy Hooves has proven herself to be a valued asset to us, and her family has a long and distinguished history of service to Equestria, dating all the way back to Daring Do herself. Her skills and contacts in Canterlot and infiltration skills will be an asset to your mission.”

“Sheesh, you make it sound like she’s a spy or something.” Rainbow groused. Rainbow turned her attention to the grey pegasus, and barely restrained laughter filled her voice as she asked. “Hey, Derpy! Are you a spy?”

“Uh-huh!” Derpy declared enthusiastically.

That answer dropped Rainbow down onto her haunches in shock. “I – but – what?” Despite her mind being temporarily broken, Rainbow Dash still looked like she wanted to object to Derpy signing up with the group, but the imperious expression on Luna’s face made it pretty clear that this wasn’t up for discussion. To be honest, I kind of agreed with Rainbow about a loveable clumsy goofball not really being the best choice for a stealth mission, but Luna had already laid down the law. Derpy was coming with us, end of discussion. One of the perks of being an absolute monarch was always being able to pull the royal authority card to win arguments.

“Are there any other matters that should be brought to our attention?” When several seconds of silence passed, the princess of the night declared. “Then we declare this meeting of the war council adjourned. Captains, begin assembling our forces, while our infiltration team makes their own preparations. I expect all to be in readiness within two hours’ time, we have much to do, and little time in which to accomplish it. You are dismissed.”

The lot of us got up and headed towards the door, when Luna made one last statement. “Wizard Harry Dresden.” Luna called out to me as I was about to leave with the rest of the ponies. “Tarry a moment, there is a final matter we would discuss with thee.”

Well, that doesn’t sound ominous at all. Pretty much all the ponies in the room shot me curious looks as they dutifully file out the door, until only Luna and I were left in the room. “There is a troubling matter which we believe thou should be made aware of. It would be best if the other ponies in our service remain unaware of this fact. We would have thy word that thou will keep our secrets”

Oh goody, some sort of dark secret. “We’ll see.” I offered reluctantly. “I don’t like operating in the dark, or making other people go around without the facts.”

“Even if thou wished to do so, ‘twould be difficult for thou to explain to our little ponies.” Luna hesitated for a moment, and finally confessed. “What Discord has wrought is beyond the scope of what we thought possible. ‘Tis likely that the intervention of thy Denarian foes is responsible. He not only unleashes chaos and disharmony upon our subjects; he seeks to warp the very fabric of Equestria itself.”

Well, that sounded ominous. “Care to elaborate a bit on that?”

“’tis possible that certain facts thou hast accepted as a fundamental part of Equestria’s nature may no longer be quite some immutable as they once were.”

Hell’s bells.

Waitaminute, I’d just gotten away with thinking a word that’d gotten censored before. Aw crap.

Make that double-crap. Sure, not having my very thought process tweaked to be a bit more kid-friendly was great, but it wasn’t going to end there. Rainbow Dash and Lash both might’ve wound up dead if not for Equestria’s ‘no good-guys allowed to die’ rules. Heck, Discord might’ve booked it out of Equestria to keep us from pulling out the ‘good guys always win card.’ Guess it figures that when the rules of Saturday morning cartoons are stacked against him, he’d find a way to change the rules.

“We believe thou dost understand now why we wish for thy discretion in this matter. If our little ponies were to learn of it, the effects upon the morale of our forces could be devastating.”

She had a point. If Discord had found some way to mess with Equestria’s rules, it wouldn’t be that hard to go from removing the ‘good guys always win’ rule to adding a ‘bad guys always win’ rule in its place. For all we know, he might have already done it, and we were pinning all of our hopes on a plan that simply could not succeed, no matter how hard we tried.

“Alright.” I took deep breath. “Thanks for warning me, but it doesn’t change anything. We still have to get the Elements back. If Discord’s stacking the deck against us, we’ll just have to do the best that we can despite it. Nothing else we can do but keep pushing on as hard as we can, fight for every last shred of hope, and keep hanging on until we win.”

“Thou art so certain of our victory?” Luna didn’t seem nearly so sure of herself. Maybe, now that it was just the two of us, it was a little harder for her to hold onto her queenly mask. I wasn’t talking to Luna, Princess of the Night. I was talking to Luna, the person – er – pony. “We confess, we are somewhat fearful things may go amiss.”

“It’s not that I’m sure we’ll win. It’s just…” I trailed off and gave an uncertain shrug, trying to find the right words. “Well, what else can we do but see this through to the end? We can’t run away, we can’t negotiate, and surrender’s not an option. Only way this ends is when we take them down or die trying.”

“Indeed.” Luna fell silent for a long moment, before finally stating in what qualified as a whisper for her. “’Tis not our death we fear, but the possibility that harm may come to those who have joined our cause. Had we not instigated this uprising against Discord, against our sister…”

Oh. Right. Considering her history, I couldn’t really blame Luna for getting a little angsty about starting up another rebellion against Celestia, no matter how good her reasons were. “It’s not the same, you know. Actually, it’s pretty much the exact opposite of what happened last time.”

“We are aware of this fact.” Luna’s gaze fell to the floor. “And yet we find the parallels troubling regardless of the facts. And we cannot help but wonder. If we are troubled by the similarities to previous events, what of the ponies who have aligned themselves with our cause? Do I lead these ponies to a battle they cannot win for a cause many of them are uncertain of?”

The two of us just stood there for a minute as I tried to think of something I could say to calm her fears, but the words never came to me.

I caught up to the rest of ponies just in time to jump into the middle of a very awkward conversation.

“I already told you, it’s cool AJ.” Rainbow declared with just a slight hint of annoyance in her voice.

“No it ain’t.” The farmpony shot back. “I owe ya, an’ I mean to set things right.”

“But it’s stupid.” Rainbow snapped at her friend. “What’s letting me kick you supposed to prove?”

“Really now Applejack.” Rarity’s prim voice came in. “I have to agree with Rainbow; it’s just silly to insist on handling things in such an uncivilized way.”

“Fair’s fair, Rainbow. I hurt ya, so you gotta hit me back to make things square.” Oh, she was going for the classic method expressing forgiveness through mild physical violence; it was like watching male bonding, except this time with tomboys instead of actual males. From the looks of things, the farmpony had gotten her stubborn going again. “Only way to set things right. You’re mah friend, and I hurt ya real bad.”

The pegasus let out a scoff at that. “Oh come on, you didn’t hurt me that bad.” Looks like Rainbow’s ego hadn’t taken nearly as many bruises as her body. “Only reason I even lost was because I was already tired and you were cheating. If it’d been a fair fight, I’d have taken you down in ten seconds flat.”

“Rainbow, this ain’t no-“

“Ten. Seconds. Flat.” The pegasus repeated firmly, aggressively flying into Applejack’s personal space to emphasize her point.

“Well why don’t ya quit flappin’ your jaw an’ prove it?” Applejack returned. “’less you’re afraid of hittin’ me.” I caught an odd little gleam in the earth pony’s eye as she continued on. “That it? Don’t reckon I’d blame ya if you were; gal takes a beatin’ as bad as you did, it’d figure she’d be scared of the pony that got to her. Wouldn’t blame ya one bit if it scared you so bad you don’t even wanna admit it.”

Two seconds later Applejack was lying on the floor looking slightly dazed, while Pinkie Pie and Rarity were restraining a furious pegasus and Fluttershy looked like she was torn between wanting to check on Applejack, wanting to calm down Rainbow, and wanting to just curl up in a corner and hide from the scariness of her friends fighting each other. “How’s that for scared, you stupid apple farmer! Not as much fun when I can fight back, is it?”

Applejack rubbed a hoof along what was probably a rather sore jaw after the hit she’d just taken. Applejack shot a grin over at Rainbow, and quite calmly asked. “Feel better now, sugarcube?”

Rainbow was about to throw some more harsh language Applejack’s way and possibly worse if her friends hadn’t been holding her back, but Applejack’s words made her pause in thought for a moment. “You know,” Rainbow mused. “Actually, I do kinda feel better now.”

“Told ya it’d work.” Applejack declared, sounding way too pleased with herself for a pony who’d just taken a pretty nasty crack along the jaw.

“Oh honestly.” Rarity let out a cry of pure exasperation. “When will the two of your learn how to handle things like proper ladies?”

“We’re supposed to be proper ladies?” Applejack shot a confused look over at Rainbow. “Well shoot; nopony never told me ‘bout that. I don’t reckon I ever planned on bein’ a proper lady. What about you, RD?”

Rainbow gave dismissive wave of her hoof. “Nah, too busy being awesome.”

“Well there ya go Rarity.” Applejack answered matter-of-factly, though an experienced smartass like myself couldn’t miss the snark the farmpony was radiating. “Don’t look like Rainbow and I are ever gonna be proper ladies. Sorry to disappoint.”

Rarity heaved a melodramatic sigh. “You two are impossible.” The rest of us all had a chuckle at Rarity’s expense.

Once the fleeting moment of laughter passed, Fluttershy very nervously spoke up. “Um – as long as we’re apologizing, I need to tell Rainbow Dash I’m sorry too.” A second later Fluttershy let out a terrified squeak and hid her face behind her mane. “Um – not like that though.” The flighty pegasus shot a look Applejack’s way, and her voice rose to a substantially higher and more terrified pitch. “Although, I guess if it’s the only way you’ll forgive me, then it’s okay.” Fluttershy turned her cheek to Rainbow Dash, shut her eyes, and clenched her teeth, while her entire body trembled in barely suppressed terror.

Rainbow Dash took a single step towards Fluttershy, and the pegasus immediately flinched away and let out frightened little whimper. Rainbow immediately backpedaled, looking like she wasn’t sure whether she should feel guilty or offended. “I wasn’t gonna –“ Rainbow Dash applied hoof to face and let out a loud groan, and then set her fellow pegasus straight. “Sheesh, I’m not gonna hit you, Fluttershy.”

“Oh thank goodness.” The other pony gasped in relief.

“Besides, you don’t even have anything to apologize for.”

“Um – well, actually Rainbow Dash, I – that is – um…”

Applejack took mercy on the poor pegasus. “Fluttershy figured it out, Rainbow.”

“Figured what out?” A nervous flap of her wings and a shifty expression made it clear Rainbow knew exactly what Applejack was talking about, but it looked she intended to stick to her story.

“Um – how you got hurt, before…”

“Huh?” The way she kept looking around, refusing to meet Fluttershy’s eyes gave Rainbow Dash away, but she wasn’t going to let an inconvenient detail like her lie being utterly transparent stop her. “I told you, I just had a bad landing back before Harry and I rescued you. Isn’t that right, Harry?”

So much for my hopes of pulling a Switzerland and staying out of this. Trust me, there are some things a guy just doesn’t want to get involved in. When women start arguing, smart guys know that the only sane move is to lay low and wait for the storm to pass. The fact that these women were cartoon ponies instead of ordinary human females changed nothing.

Sadly, in my experience women rarely respect the concept of a neutral male bystander who didn’t want to get involved and risk drawing the wrath of one or both sides. Now I had to either back Rainbow up, or torpedo her story; just staying quiet wasn’t an option. After a moment’s consideration, I made my choice. “Sorry, Rainbow. I think you need to tell her the truth.”

Right after Rainbow and I gave Fluttershy her free will back, sparing Fluttershy from the knowledge that she’d done some nasty things while Discorded and Denarianed had seemed like the right choice, but now the jig was up. No point in trying to maintain a lie that was obviously falling apart. Even if I had backed up Rainbow Dash, it wouldn’t convince Fluttershy. She might say she believed us, but deep down she’d always wonder. Better for her to know the unpleasant truth and face up to it than to spend the rest of her life unsure.

“Oh.” Fluttershy’s voice sounded so small, so broken. Then the tears started, and suddenly all my thoughts about how the truth would ultimately be good for her sounded pretty damn hollow.

All the other ponies immediately started trying to comfort Fluttershy, though Rainbow was alternating her attention between telling Fluttershy everything was fine and glaring daggers at me. They say the truth is supposed to set you free, but so far all it had gotten me was one innocent pegasus reduced to tears, and another pegasus who probably hated my guts now.

I decided to clear out and give the ponies a bit of time to sort things out for themselves; I’d already done enough damage.

When we met back up at the exit of Applejack’s cellar a couple hours later it looked like Fluttershy’s friends had finally managed to calm her down, though the redness around her eyes still gave away the fact that there had been a lot of tears, and not that long ago.

Rainbow Dash shot a nasty glare at me, and then pointedly turned her head aside and refused to even look in my general direction. At least Rainbow seemed to be the only one bearing a grudge against me for upsetting Fluttershy; to be honest, I was still a bit mad at myself for that. Sure, lying to her wasn’t going to work anymore, but I should’ve come up with some way to solve things that didn’t involve breaking the heart of sweet innocent little pony.

Going into a risky mission with Rainbow mad at me could cause all kinds of trouble. After all, thanks to all my experience in dealing with Denarians and other life-or-death situations, I’d more-or-less fallen into the role of unofficial leader of our group. Normal Rainbow Dash wasn’t exactly a good little soldier; angry Rainbow Dash was likely to just outright ignore anything I told her to do, or do the exact opposite, out of pure spitefulness. That’s the kind of thing that would put her, me, and everyone else in danger.

“Look, Rainbow.” I walked up to speak to her face to face, or as best I could manage when she was making a point of ignoring me. “We need to talk, sort things out.”

“I got nothing to say to you, Harry Dresden.” Rainbow turned around, and left me talking to her tail. “And I don’t wanna hear anything you got to say. You’re lucky Fluttershy asked me not to teach you a lesson.” Dash turned her neck to shoot me one last dirty look over her shoulder and toss out one last barb. “Once she stopped crying.”

Okay, definitely getting the cold shoulder. “Look, what do you want from me Rainbow? I’m sorry about how things worked out, but –“ The rest of my apology disappeared when Rainbow gave a flick of her tail and I got smacked in the face with a bunch of rainbow hair. I tried again, and all I got for my trouble was more tail to the face.

Looks like negotiations were a bust. “I should go. We’ll talk later.” Wow, that sounded weak even to me.

I trotted over to the other end of the room to give Rainbow some space; the last thing we needed was for things to go from barely restrained hostility to an outright fight.

That’s when a little ball of pink fluffy sunshine bounced over to me. “Don’t worry about Dashie.” Pinkie tossed a companionable hoof across my shoulders. “Give her a little bit to calm down, and she’ll be fine. She just doesn’t like seeing Fluttershy cry.”

Before I could give Pinkie a proper response, a cross-eyed grey pegasus abruptly inserted herself into our conversation. “Hi guys.” Derpy announced herself cheerfully, though a second later the cheerful grin disappeared. “Why was Fluttershy crying?” Derpy dropped her head in shame. “Was it something I did?”

“Relax Derpy.” Rainbow spoke up. “It was Harry the jerkface’s fault.”

“Dashie doesn’t mean that.” Pinkie whispered in my defense. “She’s just mad because –“

“Yeah, Fluttershy.” Derpy answered, giving a little nod. The pegasus shot a nervous look over at her rainbow-maned counterpart, and pawed at the ground. “I think she’s mad at me though; she doesn’t want me coming along. I hope she’s still not mad about that time I messed up her weather schedule. It was only a little tornado, and I apologized right away, but...”

“Relax Derpy, Dashie’s not mad at you either.” Pinkie reassured the grey pegasus. “Dashie’s just … well, she’s not good at saying things sometimes, and she ends up not saying what she really means.” Pinkie let her gaze drift over to Rainbow for a long moment, before turning it back to Derpy. “She’s not mad at you, she’s worried you might get hurt. Dashie can’t just come out say it though because she’s not good at saying stuff like that, so she gets all twisty and mixed up. Dashie is a silly pony.”

Pinkie tapped a hoof under her chin, and added thoughtfully. “I should be mad at her though. Like, really super-duper mad. She broke a Pinkie Promise! I guess that since she’s okay now I can forgive her just this once, but if it ever happens again...”

Pinkie trailed off wistfully, staring at the chromatic pegasus who currently hated my guts. I decided to take the opportunity to get to know the latest addition to our odd little group; pretty much all I knew about Derpy was that she looked vaguely familiar, and from what I could tell she seemed to be a bit slow and clumsy, but Luna had confidence in her. “So, Derpy, don’t think we’ve been properly introduced to each other yet.” I offered her hoof, and was pleased when for once I actually managed to balance on three legs with no problems. “Harry Dresden, smartass, nerd, wizard, and part-time smiter of evil.”

Derpy bumped hooves with me. “Derpy Hooves. Mailpony, single mom, eater of muffins, and spy for Princess Luna.”

Yeah, that last one kind of stood out a bit. “How’d you go from mailpony to spy anyway?”

“Ponies are used to seeing me fly everywhere delivering mail.” Derpy answered with a harmless little smile. “Makes it easy to get messages to anypony, and nopony thinks it’s weird if I ask questions I shouldn’t ask or go places I shouldn’t be.”

I found myself once more wondering if Derpy really was a harmless little goofball, or if it was all an elaborate act to throw everyone off. Or maybe she was some sort of idiot savant or something; generally not all that bright, but with a talent for espionage.

“Princess Luna told me we would need supplies.” Derpy added. “So I packed my saddlebags full of muffins. When I showed her how many muffins I had she told me I needed to bring a broader variety of equipment, so now I’ve got blueberry muffins, banana nut muffins, cherry chocolate chip muffins, blackberry muffins…”

Or maybe Derpy just defied classification.

Before I could put any more time and effort into unraveling the enigma that was Derpy Hooves, Princess Luna arrived to see us off, along with a pair of unicorn guards who were telekinetically hauling an impressive assortment of everything from saddlebags to umbrellas.

“We took the liberty of having our quartermaster gather what equipment you would require for your journey.” Luna announced to the lot of us. “Our intelligence indicates that Celestia’s forces have erected a barrier over Canterlot, but we can cast a spell upon you that will allow you to pass through undetected. Our forces have cut the railroad lines from Canterlot some time ago to hamper Discord and Celestia’s control over Equestria, so you must journey to the capital on hoof.”

Oh super, that was going to be a long walk, out in the blazing never-setting sun. At least that explained the umbrellas; having something to keep us from having to deal with too much direct sunlight would be huge. I’d bet we had lots of water in those saddlebags too.

Rainbow Dash must’ve come to the same conclusion. “I can give us some cloud cover to help out too, maybe even throw in some rain to cool things down.”

“We would caution thou to be wary of using such measures.” Luna turned to face Rainbow Dash. “Celestia’s forces will be wary of any unusual activity. It would be best if your party did not draw undue attention.”

“I’m going to make a wild guess and say that taking the sun down for a couple hours is out of the question, right?” If Luna could’ve maintained the normal day/night cycle, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t be dealing with super-scorcher weather in the first place.

“Indeed.” The Princess of the Night confirmed. “If we were to raise the moon, it would prompt confrontation with our sister. Such a direct challenge to her power would make it impossible to remain hidden from her sight.” A very slight smile graced the pricess’ face when she added. “It is how we shall announce our intention to begin the battle for Equestria. When the moon rises, it will be your signal to begin infiltrating the palace.”

Have to think, despite the threat to her principality and her people, there was probably a part of Luna that was enjoying this entire experience. After a thousand years of exile and being the legendary evil creature haunting the nightmares of children, now Luna got to be the hero. If we all made it out of this in one piece, ponies would be talking for years about how they fought alongside Luna to save Equestria, how the rising moon signaled the beginning of the liberation. I guess that’s one way to rehabilitate your reputation.

“Well, at least we won’t have any trouble seeing the signal.” I quipped. “How long do we have before the sun goes down?”

“We will lower the sun in twelve hours. That will give your party sufficient time to reach Canterlot and get in position, yes?”

I had no idea, so I looked to the Equestrian natives for guidance, and Applejack eventually answered for the group. “We oughta be able to make it just fine in that much time.”

“Well, yes, that should be enough time for us to make the journey.” Rarity agreed. “However, it is going to be a rather long walk, and it will be simply dreadful in all this heat. I don’t suppose we could adjust the time table to provide our group with a bit of time to recover from the journey before we attempt to sneak into the royal palace?”

“Some time to rest up would be good, but the bad guys aren’t going to take a break just because we’re tired.” Between Discord running back to Earth and Luna’s revelation that he was somehow messing with the basic rules of Equestria, I had a feeling we were on a tight schedule. I didn’t want to push the ponies to the point of being exhausted and strung out, but at the same time we had to be ready to push a bit harder than we’d like if that’s what it took to get things done.

“Fourteen hours then.” Luna conceded. Hopefully the extra two hours would be enough to get everyone rested up to functional. Now I just had to worry about how many victims Discord and Nicodemus would pick up in those two hours, and whether we might have been able to pull off a win with a bit less rest. Or maybe that extra bit of tiredness would be the difference between losing and winning, and pushing ourselves too hard would get everyone killed.

I miss the good old days, when all I had to worry about was psychotic dark wizards, vampires, and werewolves trying to kill me. Life was so much less complicated back then.

Listen to me, waxing nostalgic about the good old days; I must be getting old. The fact that my good old days involved half a dozen nasty folks trying to kill me on a monthly basis also says a lot about my life.

“If there is nothing else, we believe it is time for you to depart.” Luna announced to the lot of us.

“One last thing.” I cut in. “After we get the Elements, how do we find you?” The Elements of Harmony wouldn’t do us much good without someone to use the Element of Magic, after all.

We will engage our sister somewhere ‘tween Ponyville and Canterlot.” Luna answered. “Finding our battlefield should not prove difficult.”

Yeah, if Celestia’s throwdown with Discord was any indication, the place where Luna and Celestia were fighting it out would kind of stand out. Just keep an eye out for earth-shaking explosions and follow the trail of destruction, and we’d find them soon enough.

“Maybe we’ll get lucky, and find Twilight while retrieving the Elements.” Fluttershy added in hopefully. That would be nice, but I didn’t rate it as likely. Derpy hadn’t found out anything about where Twilight was, and if my current working theory about where Twilight was and why every time I tried a tracking spell on her it pointed straight down was right, rescuing Twilight wasn’t going to happen until after Celestia had been dealt with.

The lot us set to loading up our saddlebags and putting on the rather odd (as far as I was concerned) saddle-umbrellas, and then some light cloaks to keep us from being too easily identified. Sure, running around in feature-concealing cloaks would be all kinds of suspicious, but several of the ponies had rather distinctive features that would definitely stand out in the crowd. Hopefully, anyone who saw us in our suspicious little cloaks would just think we were thieves or something, instead of assuming we were there to take down Celestia.

Pinkie led the way, enthusiastically bouncing out of Applejack’s cellar, with the rest of us following along at a more sedate pace. As we made our way off the farm, I slowed down a bit until I was walking alongside Fluttershy. “Hey.” I said, sounding really awkward. “Just wanted to see how you were doing after the whole, well, finding out about what happened with Rainbow Dash thing.”

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about me.” Fluttershy assured me, though I would’ve been more reassured if she’d actually answered the question directly. Fluttershy strikes me as the kind of pony who would tell someone not to worry about her no matter how much pain she was in.

“I’m actually more worried about you and Rainbow Dash.” Fluttershy continued deflecting my concerns. “She seems really mad at you.”

“We’ll work it out.” I reassured her. “You sure you’re going to be okay?”

“Oh, I’ll be fine.”

I didn’t really believe her, but it’s not like I could just grab her by the shoulder and shake her back and forth, demanding that she discuss her traumatic experiences with me for whatever dubious therapeutic benefit I could offer. “You wanna talk about anything, I’m here.”

“Hey!” Pinkie suddenly cried out, putting an end to any further conversation between Fluttershy and I. “We should sing a travelling song while we walk!”

“I would prefer we didn’t, darling.”

“Nah.”

“Um, I’d rather not, if that’s okay.”

“Ugh. Pinkie Pie, you are so random.”

“Go for it.” I went against the crowd, just to be contrary.

“I like Pinkie’s songs.” Derpy agreed.

“Well, majority rules, so we’re gonna sing.” Pinkie chirped.

“Actually sugarcube, it was four votes to three against, and Harry don’t count ‘cause he was just bein’ smart and didn’t really mean it.”

“Details, details.” Pinkie Pie gave a dismissive wave of her hoof, then took a deep breath and launched into the first of many, many songs.

By the time we reached the outskirts of Canterlot, we were all thoroughly sick of listening to Pinkie Pie sing. Don’t get me wrong, I like Pinkie’s songs. They’re light-hearted, catchy, and just generally fun to listen to. I’d even tried singing along once or twice, though I butchered the melodies pretty badly. The songs really did help the journey along and provide a nice bit of diversion from the boredom of the road. They were great entertainment.

For the first couple hours.

Problem was, we spent a good ten hours walking from Ponyville to Canterlot, and Pinkie was singing the entire time. After hours upon hours of Pinkie songs, I was really starting to regret ever giving her any encouragement. It didn’t help that all the other ponies were shooting me occasional dirty looks, no doubt blaming me for everything. Well, Derpy had encouraged her too, but I guess the ponies all decided that Derpy got a pass, because she didn’t know any better.

The singing had also put paid to any hopes I’d been harboring of using the journey to work things out with Rainbow Dash. Kind of hard to have a serious heart-to-heart talk while Pinkie’s belting out a song about how much she loves making everyone around her smile (apparently it was a work in progress, which meant we got treated to it for about two hours straight while Pinkie repeated it over and over, with minor little tweaks and changes each time).

I did at least find something productive to do with the time, by finally figuring out how to pull off the telekinesis all the other unicorns used. Maybe my trip through Star Wars land had helped give the perspective I needed to pull off that particular trick, or maybe I would’ve figured it out anyway if I’d taken the time to work at it. In any case, I was still kind of clumsy with it; I could handle the basics just fine, but anything where precision mattered was a problem.

In any case, now that we’d gotten to Canterlot, it was time to make our next move. Luna’s spell got us through the force field around the city without any trouble, and we still had several hours before the princess dropped the sun, so hopefully we’d have some time for a bit of rest. Of course, that’s assuming we had somewhere to take it easy for a bit; we weren’t exactly in friendly territory, and buying a hotel room wasn’t an option.

Looks like it was time to see if Luna had a good reason for having us bring Derpy along. “So, mistress of spies and muffins, what’s our next move? We could use somewhere to get in position and lie low until we get the signal.”

Our spymistress was a little slow in answering, since I’d dropped my question while she was in the middle of rooting around through her saddlebags in search of the specific type of muffin she was in the mood for. When I finally got an answer, it was slightly muffled by a mouthful of some sort of apple-based muffin that got a slight approving nod from Applejack. “Don’t worry, the Princess has a place set up for us.” Derpy’s answer sprayed a few muffin crumbs onto me. The pegasus seemed slightly upset by that, though I’m not sure if that was because of the bad table manners or if she was just sad to see any bits of muffin going to waste. “We’re actually staying at Trixie’s place; Lyra and Bon-Bon have a bit of outpost set up there.”

Mentioning the showpony got an annoyed grunt out of Rainbow Dash. “Why do we have to stay at the ego queen’s place?” The irony of Rainbow Dash complaining about anyone being an egotistical show-off was rich indeed.

“Well, Rainbow, unless you have any good friends in Canterlot you’d be willing to trust with everypony’s lives, we shall simply have to make do.” Rarity answered primly. “At least Trixie should have decent facilities in her home; I will simply die if I can’t have a shower after walking all the way here. I am unbearably hot and sticky.”

“And since the Loud and Obnoxious Trixie’s back in Ponyville with the rest of the resistance, we won’t have to deal with her yammerin’ on about how great she is to anypony who’ll listen.” Applejack added optimistically.

“Yeah, but her house is probably all … Trixie-fied.” Rainbow huffed. ‘Bet it’s covered in posters of her, and mirrors so she can look at herself all the time, and stupid stuff like that.”

“Still, nice of her to let the folks fightin’ to fix up Equestria use her home and all.” Applejack gave credit where it was due, before cynically adding. “’Course, once this all done, I reckon she’ll be runnin’ ‘round tellin’ folks she won the war all by her lonesome, instead of spoutin’ a bunch of hooey about how she beat an Ursa Major.”

“If we can get things back to the point where a loudmouthed braggart who spins a couple stories to make herself look better than she really is constitutes a major problem, I‘d say we can call it a win.” I opined.

“Hey!” Rainbow gave a quick flap of wings that put her a couple inches above me and got so close up into my personal space that she was practically headbutting me. “Nobody asked you for your opinion, jerk!”

I felt a spike of irritation at the pegasus. Sure, I felt bad about upsetting Fluttershy, but lying to her wouldn’t have fixed anything, and I was sick of having Rainbow riding my ass on the issue. “Look, I’ve had just about enough of you and your attitude, Rainbow!”

“Yeah, well nopony gives a flying feather what you think!”

“Rainbow!” Applejack snapped at the pegasus. “I reckon it’s past time you stopped bein’ mad at Harry just cause he wouldn’t lie to Fluttershy for ya. Broke mah heart seein’ her so sad, but she deserved to know what really happened. Sure as sure ain’t his fault it happened though, so blamin’ him ain’t fair.”

“Well, yes, but he could have broken the news a bit more delicately.” Rarity cut in. “I’m sure Fluttershy could’ve been told the truth in a way that wouldn’t upset her quite so much.”

Fluttershy whispered something under her breath, but I couldn’t make it out over the escalating argument between the other ponies.

“I didn’t like seeing Fluttershy get all frownie-faced either, but it wasn’t Harry’s fault Dashie.” Pinkie jumped in.”

“What the hay Pinkie!” Rainbow shouted at the party pony. ”I thought you’d be on my side, and now you’re stabbing me in the back?”

“Well maybe you should stop being such a meanie-pants!” Pinkie shrieked back.

“Stop it.” Fluttershy cried very softly.

“Well, least the two of you actually care ‘bout fixing things.” Applejack jumped into fray. “Beats the hay outta miss prissy here bein’ more worried about getting’ herself gussied than she is about savin’ Equestria!”

“Well, I never!” Rarity gasped in outrage.

“Yeah, there’s a lotta thing you ain’t never done.” Applejack snapped. “Like a hard day’s work.”

“Now listen here you ruffian! I’ll have you know that just because I’m not an uncivilized brute like you doesn’t mean that I –”

Alright, this not-so-friendly spat was getting out of control. “Guys, I think you should –”

Four pissed-off ponies yelled variations on “shut up” and “stay out of this” at me in near-perfect unison. It was the first time in the last couple minutes that they’d actually acted like friends. That brief moment of unity didn’t last though, and soon they were right back at tearing into each other.

“STOP IT!” Fluttershy screamed, tears spilling freely from her eyes. The pegasus collapsed to the ground, sobbing softly. “Just … stop.” Derpy rushed over to comfort the distraught pegasus, sparing a moment to shoot a cross-eyed glare at the arguing ponies.

At least Fluttershy had finally managed to snap them out of their argument, and now we had four very ashamed looking ponies wallowing in guilt and awkwardly refusing to meet each other’s eyes. Guess that left it up to me to play peacemaker. “Alright guys, we’re all tired, hungry, thirsty, sore, stressed, scared, and just generally feeling rotten. That’s making us all mad and snappy, but fighting each other won’t do us any good.”

Stars and stones, I couldn’t think of anything much worse for our group right now than for us to start turning on each other. After all, the Elements of Harmony worked off of weaponized friendship. If the stress of everything we’d been through and everything we still had left to deal with started getting to everyone bad enough to start cracking those bonds of friendship, we were doomed.

At least, I hope it was just a case of normal stress putting everyone on edge until they started lashing out at each other over the smallest little thing. If I was Discord and I was messing around with the building blocks of Equestria, screwing up friendship and harmony would be pretty high on my priority list.

Nothing we could do about it but push on and hope we could keep it together long enough to deal with Discord though; time wasn’t on our side. Hopefully a bit of time to rest up after the journey to Canterlot would take some of the edge off of everyone’s stress levels, including my own. “Derpy, you said you had a safehouse set up for us, right?” Derpy nodded. “Alright, lead the way.”

The next few minutes of walking through Canterlot proceeded in painfully awkward silence, until Rainbow finally spoke up. “Sorry Harry. You too Pinkie, and everypony else.”

For a brief moment I was tempted to throw Rainbow’s apology back in her face, but that was just the stress talking. A brief moment of nasty satisfaction sure as hell wasn’t worth messing up our fragile group dynamic. “It’s fine. Sorry I made Fluttershy cry.”

That prompted a round of apologies from everyone too everyone else. Things were still awkward and uncomfortable afterwards, but at least the apologies had made the awkwardness and discomfort a bit less painful. Any progress was progress.

The awkward silence did end up coming in a bit handy though, since it let us hear the crowd long before we would’ve seen them. Derpy briefly took to the air to get a look at what was up ahead. “Looks like something’s going on in the square.” The cross-eyed pegasus informed us. “Wanna go check it out?”

“Might be worth having a look to see if it’s anything important.” I agreed. It’s not like the square was out of our way; assuming Derpy was leading us in more-or-less a straight line to our destination, we’d be passing right by it anyway, and a large public gathering in an enemy capital is often the sort of thing that might be worth checking out.

We arrived to find the square positively packed with ponies, and a dozen or so guards lurking around the perimeter. Luckily, the crowd was big enough that blending in wasn’t a big issue.

The only notable feature in the square was a single freshly constructed wooden platform, built high enough that just about everyone in the crowd could get a good view. Aside from a couple guard ponies and a vaguely familiar white unicorn stallion, the platform was empty, and the entire crowd was buzzing with a mood halfway between boredom and anticipation. “Let’s give it a bit guys, I get the feeling something big’s coming up.”

We didn’t have long to wait; less than a minute later there was a blinding flash of light, and once the spots cleared from my eyes I saw Celestia atop the platform in all her glory. She hadn’t undergone the same dramatic transformation as Luna apparently had when she became Nightmare Moon, but maybe that kind of thing took time, or would give the game away to everyone Discord hadn’t put his mind whammy on. The only sign that there was anything amiss with Celestia was the fact that the normal vaguely ethereal quality she carried seemed magnified a hundredfold. Celestia normally seemed, for the most part, like a normal pony who just happened to be a ruler with godlike powers. This Celestia seemed subtly set apart, above the rest of ponykind in a way that defied description, yet was undeniably present.

Celestia’s horn glowed, and a single banana appeared hovering next to her. “Bring out the next prisoner.” There was just a touch of the old Royal Canterlot Voice in her words; not as overpowering as Luna’s voice, but loud enough to carry clearly to the very back of the crowd, and filled with an understated yet undeniable authority. Celestia casually peeled her banana and began eating it as the guards dragged a sophisticated-looking white unicorn onto the stage in chains.

A tyrannical ruler dragging out prisoners into the middle of a public square for everyone to see? This isn’t going to end well.

The unicorn at Celestia’s side spoke up. “Fancy Pants, you have been convicted of lese-majesty, sedition, heresy, and treason against Equestria. Do you have any final words to say before your sentence is carried out?”

“Yes.” The prisoner turned to the crowd, and let out a soft cough to clear his throat. “My fellow Equestrians.” He began. “Surely you can all see that there is something terribly wrong in our land. Why does our Princess punish her faithful subjects simply for asking questions? Why do we hear tales of Nightmare Moon’s return when it is the sun that remains fixed in the sky? Why have so many of our fellow Equestrians been –“

Celestia’s horn glowed, and Fancy Pants was abruptly silenced by her magic. “That’s quite enough of your lies.” The princess brought out her version of the Royal Canterlot voice again, and declared. “Fancy Pants, you have betrayed Equestria and your princess by making common cause with Nightmare Moon. There can be only one punishment for this crime. Exile.”

There was another flash of blinding light from Celestia’s horn, and when the light faded the prisoner was simply gone, though I thought I saw a slight glimmer of light disappearing over the horizon. “Bring out the next prisoner.” Celestia announced calmly, before finishing off the banana she’d been nibbling on.

Rarity gasped in shock. “Did – Did Princess Celestia just send Fancy Pants…”

“Looks like it. Horseapples. I was afraid something like this might’ve been going on.” I’d suspected it for a while, ever since I’d seen what happened when I tried to use a tracking spell on Twilight, but that pretty much confirmed it. From the grim looks on most of the other ponies’ faces, they’d figured it out too. I guess once Discord had figured out what we were up to, he’d decided that the best way to stop us was to put last pony I needed to rescue beyond our reach.

Twilight Sparkle had been sent to the moon.

The Name is Hooves. Derpy Hooves.

Nobody was answering the door.

Derpy had been clopping her hoof against the door of our safehouse for a couple minutes now, and the ponies who were supposed to be running it hadn’t answered. That was an ominous sign. “You don’t suppose they got caught, do you?” Hell’s bells, for all we knew the ponies managing our safehouse might have been caught by Celestia’s forces and been next up on the metaphorical chopping block to get an all-expenses-paid trip to the moon.

If Celestia’s ponies had found out about Luna’s little spy ring in her capital, the last place we wanted to be was loudly knocking on the door of a known spy’s home. Unless our enemies were suffering a sudden and extreme case of stupid, they would have people watching the home of a known spy to identify any co-conspirators, and while the lot of us had managed to blend into the crowd so far, if the guards actually started paying close attention to us it wouldn’t be long before someone recognized us.

Even if the bad guys didn’t know that we’d arrived in Equestria yet, they knew I’d knocked all the other ponies free of their Denarian co-pilots. With only one pony left to rescue, it wasn’t exactly hard to guess what my next move would be. Odds were, the reason Twilight had been sent to the moon was to keep her out of my reach so I couldn’t do the same for her.

My paranoia sense was tingling full force, and I started checking every single window and patch of shadow for signs of a waiting ambush. I didn’t see anyone, but for all I knew that just meant the ponies had watched enough Monty Python to know that being seen would result in getting shot or blown up.

After all, it's not much of an ambush if you're doing such a poor job of hiding that that the people you're supposed to ambush see you. Plus anyone with magic could toss up a veil that would make them pretty much invisible. Well, I don’t know if unicorn magic actually has invisibility spells or not, but considering how my luck’s been so far it seemed like a good idea to assume they did.

It probably didn’t help my budding nervousness that the streets were distinctly empty. Oh, there were still ponies around, but not very many, and most the ones I saw were moving along quickly. Nobody stopped for a friendly little chat with a passer-by, there were no little kids frolicking through the streets, none of the usual signs of a bright, happy city. It reminded me of the mood that hit Chicago whenever serious bad news was about to go down; the entire city was filled with a palpable sense of dread. Considering Celestia’s tyrannical turn, it wasn’t hard to figure out why.

“It usually take this long for them to answer the door?” I asked our guide with just a hint of concern in my voice. By now everyone else was starting to look a bit nervous too; maybe their minds had started to connect the dots the same way mine had.

For her part, Derpy just knocked on the door again. After rapping her hoof on the door twice it suddenly flew open, and Derpy rapped a light green unicorn on the head a couple times before realizing what she was doing. “Oops! Sorry Lyra.”

The unicorn, whose name I could probably assume was Lyra, rubbed a hoof over her freshly bruised head. “Ow.” She didn’t seem to have been too badly hurt though, since a second later she was all smiles. “Hey there Derpy, nice to see you again. Sorry it took so long to get the door, Bon Bon and I were kinda in the middle of something, and we didn’t hear you knocking. Come on in!”

Lyra opened the door wide, and six hot, messy, tired, and just generally worn out ponies, along with one wizard-turned-pony, tromped in. Well, make that five worn out ponies; Pinkie was still her usual bouncy hyperactive self. “Oh wowie-wow! Dashie was right, there are Trixie posters, like, everywhere!” That was a bit of an exaggeration, there were a couple patches of ceiling and floor that were still relatively clear, but Trixie had devoted a pretty big chunk of her home to celebrating her own accomplishments.

Pinkie spent a second or two zooming around exploring the room, then zipped back over to the unicorn who’d let us in, who was standing next to a cream-colored earth pony with a blue and pink mane. “Oh, you guys don’t know each other yet! Can I introduce everypony to each other? Can I? Can I? Please? I love introducing new ponies to each other!”

“Yeah, sure, go ahead.” I’m pretty sure she would’ve exploded in a supernova of Pinkie energy if I’d said anything other than yes.

“Yay!” Pinkie bounced over to me. “Lyra, this is Harry Dresden!” She moved over to the unicorn. “Harry, this is Lyra Heartstrings!” She zipped back to my side. “Bon Bon, this is Harry Dresden!” Now she moved over to the earth pony. “Harry, this is Bon Bon!” Then Pinkie jumped up onto Lyra’s back. “Bon Bon, this is Lyra Heartstrings!”

“Lyra and I already know each other, Pinkie.” Bon Bon deadpanned, though it was hard to tell with the rather odd way she had of speaking. She had some kind of accent that I couldn’t really place, and it made her tone kind of tricky to pick up.

“Well duh!” Pinkie shot right back. “But I’m supposed to introduce everypony to each other, and that means I can’t leave anypony out!” I’m pretty sure Pinkie would’ve continued on down the long list of completely unnecessary introductions until she’d gone through every possible combination of ponies, but Rainbow Dash saved us all from being chattered to death by hastily shoving a hoof into Pinkie’s mouth before she could get started.

For a second I thought we were saved, but then Pinkie reached her hooves into her tail and somehow pulled a pair of earplugs out. Rainbow quickly put the earplugs in, and unleashed Pinkie upon all of us with an evil laugh.

As soon as the treacherous pegasus released her, Pinkie resumed introducing everyone to each other, no matter how unnecessary and annoying it might be. The fact that me and every pony aside from Rainbow Dash had hooves over ears and were asking her to stop with varying degrees of politeness was an irrelevant detail. Pinkie might have kept on going forever if Derpy hadn’t made a heroic sacrifice by shoving several muffins into Pinkie’s mouth. By the time Pinkie finished chewing and swallowing the muffins, her mind had moved along to the next topic.

“Sooo…” Pinkie Pie drew the word out as she turned to face our hosts. “What were you gals up to that made it take so long to answer the door anyway? Were you baking cupcakes? Or brownies? Or cookies? Or regular cakes? What about muffins, ‘cause Derpy likes muffins and I like muffins too, even after the whole baked bads thing, which was Applejack’s fault, but not really because I already forgave her for being such a silly pony. So where are the muffins?”

“We weren’t making muffins Pinkie.” Bon Bon’s voice sounded completely different this time, much lighter, and with a vague California accent. Huh, that was weird.

“Nah, we were doing something much better than baking muffins.” Lyra added, looking over at Bon Bon with lidded eyes and wearing a very pleased smirk. That’s when I noticed the fact that both ponies had slightly disheveled manes, and how both the ponies were smiling and blushing just a bit, not to mention the fact that the two were standing just a bit too close to each other for to just be friends. Oh. Huh. Well, I certainly hadn’t seen that one coming. Either Discord was messing with the laws of cartoon reality, or there was a lot of stuff going on in the background of Equestria that flew right over the heads of the show’s target audience. Or maybe I just have a really dirty mind, and there was a perfectly innocent and not remotely sexual explanation for all of this.

Unsurprisingly, the implication flew right over Pinkie’s head. “Better than baking?” The party pony sounded incredulous for a moment, but it didn’t take long for her to transition into energetic curiosity. “What is it? What were you gals doing? Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!”

Lyra had her mouth open and was about to answer when Bon Bon gave her a very unsubtle nudge. “Nothing.” The mare stated hastily, sparing a forceful glare for her very special friend. This time Bon Bon’s voice sounded like it was coming from an old matronly woman, despite her looking to be a youngish adult. Or at least, I assumed she was in that age range; to be honest, it was pretty hard to figure out any pony ages beyond child, adult, and the occasional really old one like Applejack’s grandmother.

“How can doing nothing be more fun than baking?” Pinkie seemed quite perplexed at this point.

“Um…” Lyra and Bon Bon desperately searched the room to see if anyone else might be willing to bail them out, but there was no help to be found. I sure as heck didn’t want to get mixed up in their problem. Judging by the look on her face it was taking every bit of Rainbow Dash’s self-control not to start laughing her ass off, while Applejack and Rarity seemed to be of a similar mind to Rainbow, though a bit more restrained. Fluttershy would probably die of embarrassment two words into any attempt to explain things to Pinkie. Derpy … well who knows what’s going on with Derpy’s head? I still can’t tell if she’s a harmless but lucky fool or an evil genius.

“It was a – um – special kind of nothing.” Lyra finished weakly.

Pinkie’s eyes widened in comprehension, and she bobbed her head up and down. “Oh! I get it! Sheesh, why didn’t you just say so?” The party bounced over to Rainbow Dash, and tossed a friendly foreleg over the pegasus’ shoulders. “Dashie and I do special nothing all the time!”

Jaws dropped across the room, and an awkward silence reigned. That was definitely a bit of a revelation; I mean, I knew they were good friends and all, but I didn’t know they were that close. In hindsight, maybe the whole eating chocolate off of Rainbow thing should’ve been a giveaway.

Rainbow’s jaw dropped right along with everyone else’s, and soon the pegasus was blushing furiously as she quickly extracted herself from Pinkie’s hug. “I – we – we aren’t – It’s not like –“

“Well, I think it is simply wonderful.” Rarity announced airily. “I cannot say I am surprised; the two of you always did seem to be especially close.”

“Shucks RD, when were you plannin’ on tellin’ the rest of us about you an’ Pinkie?” Applejack cut in.

Pinkie Pie stared at all her friends, and raised a single eyebrow at them (well, technically she didn’t since the animators hadn’t really given the ponies eyebrows, but the intended effect was obvious). “What are you gals talking about? You’ve known about what me and Dashie get up to forever!” The pony turned to Lyra and Bon Bon, and eagerly chattered at them. “Hey, I just had a brilliant idea! You gals should get together with me and Dashie for a group session!”

If Pinkie’s last shocker of a line had stunned everyone in the room, this one sent everyone’s brain into full meltdown mode. I’m pretty sure at this point I could definitely confirm that Discord had completely destroyed all of the censorship rules that had once bound Equestria.

Pinkie Pie couldn’t miss the fact that every single person in the room was utterly flabbergasted after her proposition to Lyra and Bon Bon. “What is with everypony? You gals know me and Dashie have been pranking buddies forever! Having two more pranking buddies would make things even more super-duper funneriffic!”

All of us, with the exceptions of Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, let out a near simultaneous cry of “OH!” as we finally figured out that Pinkie wasn’t suggesting an orgy. Rainbow Dash had her face buried in her hooves, and looked like she had just about hit Fluttershy levels of desperately wanting to get out of the room and away from everyone else.

“What did everypony think I was talking about?” Pinkie asked.

“Never mind!” I hastily cut in. “So, Lyra and Bon Bon. You guys will go pranking with Pinkie sometime after all this is done, right?” There might have been a hint of desperation in my voice.

“Oh! Yes, of course!” Bon Bon hastily agreed.

“Yes, we will go pranking, because that is what Bon Bon and I do.” Lyra added woodenly. Thank goodness Pinkie Pie has no truthdar.

True to form, Pinkie took the obvious lie at face value and grinned brilliantly. “Okie dokie lokie!” Satisfied by the promise of future pranking to come, Pinkie energetically bounced out of the room, leaving the rest of us behind.

Applejack decided to go up to the still very mortified Rainbow Dash and offered a few words of comfort. “Don’t you worry none sugarcube, we all know Pinkie was just bein’ herself, and she didn’t nothin’ by it.” The farmpony smirked, gave Rainbow a playful nudge, and declared. “And we ain’t never gonna let you forget about this.”

Apparently, instead of being there to offer comfort Applejack was there to find amusement in Rainbow’s pain and humiliation. Friends can be funny that way.

“Shut up Applejack.” Rainbow groaned.

“Aw, don’t be like that sugarcube.” Applejack let the hostility just roll right off her back. “I know you’re upset on account of Pinkie an’ all, but don’t you worry none. I’m sure she’ll come ‘round soon enough and agree to be your special somepony.”

“It is a shame.” Rarity added theatrically. “The two of you made such a lovely couple. Young romance, cut so tragically short…” Rarity let out a very overwrought sigh. “It’s just so horrible! Oh, I had such high hopes for them! I was already planning a beautiful wedding! Of all the worst things that could happen, this is THE! WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!” Rarity collapsed against Applejack, holding onto the farmpony while letting out loud histrionic sobs.

“Shut up Rarity.” Rainbow added halfheartedly.

“I suggest flowers or chocolate to fix this.” I offered sagely. “Or, considering the fact that this is Pinkie Pie we’re dealing with, maybe chocolate-covered flowers, with added hot fudge sauce, whipped cream, sprinkles, and a cherry on top.”

“Shut up Harry.”

“Muffins would be even better than flowers!” Derpy opined. “Everypony likes muffins! And you could make muffins with flowers and chocolate in them!”

“You’re not helping, Derpy.” Rainbow complained.

By now everyone in the room was highly amused at the pegasus’ predicament. Have to admit, after the nasty spat we had earlier and all the general stress and trouble the ponies had been through over the last couple days, it was good to see that they could still poke fun at each other and have a bit of good innocent fun. No wonder laughter is one of the Elements of Harmony; sometimes, a good giggle or two is the best way to brighten things up when they’re at their darkest.

“Um…” Fluttershy very hesitantly added. “If it’s okay with you, I could talk to Pinkie for you. It’s just that, I know you’re not very good at talking about your feelings, so maybe I could tell her how much she means to you…”

“Even Fluttershy is teasing me.” Rainbow whimpered. “My life is officially over.”

“Well shoot sugarcube, you know if it were anypony else in your position, you’d be havin’ yourself a chuckle or two at their expense.” Applejack added reasonably. “Can’t ya just relax a little and see the humor in it? Or are ya just too upset on account of Pinkie gettin’ your hopes up?”

“I hate you guys.” Rainbow whined. “Seriously. All of you. So much hate.”

After snagging a couple of Derpy’s muffins for a meal (I’m sure that the daisy sandwiches and hay fries Lyra and Bon Bon made for the lot of us were a perfectly edible meal to ponies, but I had several decades of human experience telling me that flowers and hay weren’t food) I found a comfortable chunk of floor, grabbed a blanket, and settled down for a quick catnap until it was go time. Rainbow Dash had already beaten me to nap time, and the rest of the ponies were quick to follow. Rarity was the only exception since she apparently couldn’t sleep until she’d had a chance to clean off the dust, sweat, and general ickiness that accumulates after half a day walking out in the blazing hot sun.

After what felt like no more than a couple seconds of sleep, I felt a hoof gently shaking my shoulder. I’d hoped that a short power nap would be enough to put a little spring back in my step, but apparently all the rest had accomplished was giving my body a chance to notice all the aches, pains, and troubles it had acquired, and how much it would really like a week of taking it easy to fix all of that.

I opened my eyes, and immediately found myself face to face with a light green unicorn. Lyra seemed way, way too happy to see me. I know what I look like when I’ve just woken up, and it isn’t pretty. Not even turning me into a cartoon pony will fix that. The huge grin and barely contained enthusiasm on the pony’s face was just a bit unsettling. ”Is it true?” I could practically feel the eagerness radiating off of her.

“Is what true?” Being bombarded with contextless questions right after waking up is a good way to make any wizard start getting grouchy. A quick glance out the window confirmed that the sun was still up, which didn’t help my mood much; I’d been hoping to enjoy some quality naptime until the sun went down and Luna’s moon came up.

“Pinkie Pie told me you’re human. Well, you were before you got turned into a pony, but that just means that you’re a human who got turned into a pony, so you’re still a human, just one that looks like a pony now!” Lyra started literally bouncing up and down in excitement. “Isittrue Isittrue Isittrue?”

Stars and stones, I think she stole some of Pinkie’s crazy juice. “Uh … yeah. I’m a human.”

“Aha! I knew it! Oh my Celestia! I knew it!” Lyra began gleefully bouncing around the room. “Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes!” As several sleeping ponies began grumbling about the interruption of their precious sleep, Lyra stopped right in front of me, staring at me intensely enough that I started wondering if I needed to worry about getting pulled into a Soul Gaze. “That means … you know about hands, right?”

This conversation was rapidly moving towards weird. No, scratch that, it was already firmly entrenched in weird territory, especially with the manic gleam I was starting to notice in Lyra’s eyes. “Yes.” I answered very slowly. “I know about hands.”

“Alrighty then, mister human wizard.” Lyra thrust her forelegs towards me. “Give me hands!”

Just when I think my life can’t get any stranger… “Excuse me?”

“I want hands.” Lyra answered, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Have you even tried playing a lyre with hooves? It’s impossible! I mean, sure, I can use my magic to make it work, but it’d be so much easier if I had hands! Plus I could do all kinds of things. Like … like pick things up! And open them! I mean, sure, I could my magic for all that, but … hands! Please use your human wizard magic to give me hands! Please! Pleasepleaseplease!”

Okie dokie lokie. This was starting to get just a touch disturbing. Why do I always get the crazy ones?

By now Lyra was making enough of a racket to start disturbing the other ponies, with the exception of Rainbow Dash, who looked as though she could sleep through Luna standing right next to her and yelling as loud as she could. The combination of the sleepy grumbles of my companions and Lyra’s own considerable noise level drew Bon Bon’s attention, and the earth pony looked less than pleased. “Hush Lyra! You’re bothering everypony!”

“But Bon Bon.” Lyra protested, thrusting a hoof in my direction. “Hands!”

Bon Bon facehoofed. “Oh for the love of Luna, not this again.” She turned and gave me a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry about this Harry Dresden, but when she gets started on her hands she’s simply impossible to deal with.” Bon Bon shot a glare at her special somepony, which went completely over Lyra’s head.

I wasn’t sure how much good reasoning would do with Lyra in her current state of mind, so I opted for a little white lie. “Sorry, I can’t do transformation magic to give you hands.” Technically I actually could, much the same as I might technically be capable of performing brain surgery. Neither one was outright impossible, but I certainly didn’t have the skills or experience to do it properly. Pony bodies aren’t designed to have human hands slapped on them, and if I tried just magic-ing up a couple I’d probably mess up all the important little details like connecting bones, muscles, and blood vessels between her new hands and her forelegs/arms.

Even if I could’ve actually given her working hands that wouldn’t cause any health complications, there were all the other issues to deal with. Hands aren’t nearly so suited for walking on as hooves are, and ponies aren’t designed to be bipeds.

That’s not to mention that transforming another person was against the Laws of Magic. Granted, Lyra technically was a pony, not a person, and the Second Law had a bit of a grey area when it came to people who wanted to be transformed, but the Council takes a dim view on messing around in legal grey areas, especially with someone who’d once broken the Laws like me.

“Aw horseapples.” Lyra sighed and flopped to the ground, disheartened by the news that I wouldn’t turn into some sort of unnatural freak pony with hands. With a wistful look in her eyes, she asked. “Is it nice? Having hands?”

“Hands are alright.” I answered with a shrug. I generally didn’t give much thought to the matter, though when I’d nearly lost my left hand a while back to some vampire flunkies with a flamethrower I’d gained a new appreciation for them. That probably wouldn’t be much of a comfort to the pony though. “You can’t really walk on hands though, and walking on just two legs is a lot slower and causes all kinds of trouble. And then there’s trimming your fingernails, and papercuts, and stuff like that. Trust me; hands are way more trouble than they’re worth.”

“I guess.” Lyra sounded utterly unconvinced by my efforts to talk down hands, but seeing as Bon Bon said that hands were an obsession of hers, there probably wasn’t much I could do to convince her that she was better off without them. Who knows, maybe Equestrian magic had a spell that could give hands without all the complications that went along with my brand of spellslinging. After all, Twilight had that spell that could give another pony wings, and you’d think hands would less complicated than that.

I felt vaguely tempted to say something to perk the now mildly depressed unicorn up, even if she was a little on the crazy side, but before I could think of anything remotely suited to such a bizarre situation the room went dark. It was like someone turned out all the lights, except there weren’t any lightbulbs here, just some unlit magical lamps and a bunch of open windows.

I poked my head out the nearest window to confirm what I thought had happened, and sure enough the moon was there, hanging up in the sky. All the ponies out in the street were staring up at it, and I caught a few snatches of worried conversation. For all the ordinary folks who believed Celestia’s line about Nightmare Moon’s return, seeing the sun yanked out of the sky and replaced with the moon had to be a pretty scary sight.

Between myself, Lyra, and Bon Bon we had the other ponies up in a minute. None of them were exactly happy about being taken away from their rest, but unsurprisingly it was Rainbow Dash who seemed most displeased to be woken up. She was a pony who valued her naptime, after all.

Looking the pegasus over made me wonder if that was all it was though. She’d been half past dead two days ago, and even with having Luna personally patch her up, that kind of thing puts a heck of a lot of stress on the mind and the body. Her mane was scragglier than normal, her feathers had a slight droop to them, and her normal air of brash confidence just wasn’t quite as strong. Normally, Rainbow Dash was a pony who projected authority and demanded attention; now, not so much. I motioned her aside, and found a relatively private corner for us to talk in. “You alright Rainbow? You don’t look so hot.”

Rainbow gave a quick shake of her head. “Yeah, m’fine.” A second later the pony was frowning at me and looking me over with a critical eye. “You don’t look like you’re doing so great yourself, Harry.” She pointed a hoof towards the nearest mirror.

I took one look at the pony looking back at me through the looking glass, and had to agree with Rainbow’s assessment. My eyes were bloodshot, my shoulders sagged, and there were half a dozen darker and slightly reddish patches on my coat that I’m pretty sure were the cartoon pony land equivalent of half-healed injuries. No wonder my body kept telling me it would really just like to take a break from saving the world for a week or so for a little R&R.

None of the ponies in my group were looking as bad as me and Rainbow, which I guess figured since the two of us had been in the thick of things for the longest, but they all looked like they were running on about half a tank of gas.

Derpy seemed to have taken note of this, and was busily distributing more of her seemingly never-ending supply of muffins. Naturally, she floated right over to Dash and me once she’d gotten everyone else muffined up, and gave Dash and I muffins as well.

I took a try at using unicorn telekinesis to eat the muffin, and managed to not make too much of a mess in the process. “Good thing I’m getting better at this.” I commented idly to Rainbow Dash. “If I got muffin smeared all over my face, Pinkie would probably be over here trying to eat it, and I know how jealous that would make you.” Fortunately, Derpy’s muffins are soft enough that it didn’t hurt too much when Rainbow pegged me in the head with one.

Have to admit, while I was still tired, sore, stressed, and all that, a chocolate cherry almond muffin made all those things seem slightly less important for a while. For a minute I could forget all the problems, and just think about how tasty that muffin was. Feeling a little bit better now, I turned to Derpy, and got down to business. “Alright, the moon’s up, so it’s time for us to get started.”

“Oh my!” Fluttershy squeaked out. “The moon is already up! We’re not too late, are we? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep so long, I’m so sorry, I –‘

“It’s fine.” I hastily cut her off before she could work herself up into full-on panic mode. “The moon just came up, and it’s going to take a while for Celestia to get her people together and get out of Canterlot anyway. We don’t want to dawdle, but we can afford to spend a couple minutes getting ready.” I turned to our expert spy. “Derpy, how do you plan to get us into the palace?”

Derpy looked at me as if I’d started speaking really bad Latin. “Through the door?” The pegasus suggested as though it should have been blindingly obvious. “That’s how I always get into the palace.”

“Derpy, sugarcube.” Applejack began gently. “I know it ain’t a problem when it’s just you deliverin’ your mail and all, but don’t you think all them guards might have a thing or two to say ‘bout the lot of us just walkin’ right up to the front door?”

Derpy pondered the question for a bit, and shrugged. “Nah. Everypony there is used to seeing me around, and as long as we don’t get in anypony’s way and don’t do anything to make ourselves stand out they probably won’t bother us.”

Huh. Looks like ponies aren’t that different from people after all. That’s the thing that most people don’t get about sneaking around; most of the time, you were much better off just walking around and acting like you belonged there than you were trying to lurk in the shadows, crawl through the air ducts, or anything else you’d see in a bad action flick. Generally speaking, guards have all kinds of things they need to do on a daily basis, let alone when the entire palace was in crisis mode like it would be now. When everyone’s scrambling around with a dozen different things they need to get done right now, nobody’s going to stop to talk to a couple random folks that just happen to be passing by.

Guess it figures ponies would have all the normal weaknesses that went along with human nature. After all, they were cartoon characters made by humans.

“Alright, so we’ve got a way in.” It wasn’t a very sophisticated way in, but as long as it got us in it would work. “It’ll probably get more complicated once we need to get into the throne room to grab the Elements, but we’ll have to play that part by ear. Soon as we grab the Elements, we haul flank, and get back to Luna.”

I normally like to plan things out a bit more than that, but this time around I just didn’t have enough to go off of for that kind of thing. If I’d had a couple days to scout things out, or even just a better grasp of all the fine little details of Equestrian magic, geography, and all that, I could probably have hammered out a really nice plan. Too bad we didn’t have that kind of time to work with. I wouldn’t be shocked if that was part of why Discord and Nicky had made their move to Earth; Nicky had to know that few things out there are more dangerous than a wizard with enough time on his hands to start really planning things out, so keeping me off-balance and under pressure was his best bet for stopping me.

I was about to lead the way out when a thought occurred to me. “Bon Bon, Lyra, you guys staying here, heading to link up with Luna, or what?” I guess it was even possible they might be planning to tag along with us, though I’d rather they didn’t. Strength in numbers is great and all, but seven people was already a large-ish group. The more folks we had, the harder it would be to stay inconspicuous. Still, I didn’t want to leave two ponies who’d helped us out stuck in the middle of enemy territory.

“The Princess told us to just lie low and wait it out.” Bon Bon answered, and by now I wasn’t even surprised by her voice changing again. I guess it was just one of those weird things that happens in Equestria. “Lyra and I aren’t fighters.”

“Alright. Well, see you when it’s over.” The lot of us tossed on our cloaks and headed out into the streets of Canterlot. The city was already in the early stages of a full-out panic riot. Ponies weren’t quite running around screaming that the end was nigh yet, but lots of ponies were out in the street, and there was plenty of fearful muttering.

We passed one throng of ponies just in time to see a grey earth pony mare hop up onto a conveniently placed soapbox to address the crowd. “My fellow Equestrians. There is no reason to be alarmed; the rising of the moon is not something to fear, but a sign that our liberation is at hand.”

“Liberation?” A voice called out from the crowd. “Nightmare Moon has returned, you foal!”

“Has she?” The speaker shot back. “Nightmare Moon’s goal was to bring eternal night, yet for the last week all we have seen is eternal day, while Celestia’s guards take away our freedoms and the Princess herself sends all who object to the moon. It seems clear to me which of the royal sisters has turned upon her people.”

“That’s blasphemy!”

An off-white unicorn with a bright blue mane hopped up next to the earth pony. “It’s not blasphemy, it’s the truth!” She shouted down the objector. “Besides, a week ago there weren’t even laws against blasphemy!”

Maybe Luna had sent some of her people to Canterlot to help work the crowds and turn the people against Celestia, but I actually hoped that wasn’t the case here. That it was just two ordinary ponies, who’d seen something wrong and decided to stand up against it. It seemed right, that the ordinary ponies of Equestria would stand up in the face of oppression.

I noticed that Pinkie and a couple of the other had stopped to watch the spectacle, and gave them a gentle nudge. “We need to keep moving; lots to do.” Pinkie nodded, and soon we were trotting along again. We passed a couple other gatherings of ponies on our way to the palace, many of which were just milling aimlessly or being broken up by the guards, while others had ponies speaking out against Celestia’s rule. One or two had even devolved into open brawls between the supporters of Celestia and Luna.

After passing one particularly nasty looking scuffle, I realized that I could probably get some answers out of Luna’s spymistress. “Hey Derpy, did you set up all the ponies trying to stir things up here?” It was a good move; every guard stuck in Canterlot keeping a lid on things was one less guard Celestia could leave in the palace or send out to fight Luna’s forces.

“Nope.” Derpy answered. “It’s an independent cell. We’ve had some contact with them, but a lot of the ponies here weren’t sure they trusted Luna. Plus, Luna thinks the Canterlot resistance has been infiltrated.” Derpy gave a thoughtful pause, and added. “We tried working with them a couple days back, but somepony sold us out.”

Well, guess that answered that. I guess with more than a thousand years of bad reputation and two turns to the dark side behind her, Luna had a hard time getting everyone to believe that she was on the side of the angels. Just because Celestia had turned into an evil oppressive tyrant didn’t necessarily mean that her sister was pure sweetness and light. Contrary to what the old saying told you, the enemy of your enemy wasn’t necessarily your friend.

When we finally got to the entrance of the royal palace, our plan hit its first big snag. I guess it shouldn’t have been a surprise that with ponies gathering all over the place to ask each other what was going on, there were a bunch of them who’d opted to go to the palace for answers. Naturally, the crowd of ponies milling around the outside of the palace asking what the hay was going on prompted someone to stick a dozen of the royal guards out front on crowd control duties, and part of crowd control is not letting the entire crowd go swarming into the palace.

I turned to our escort and resident spy. “This going to be a problem, Derpy?”

“Nah, I can handle it.” The pegasus assured me casually. It wasn’t too hard to jostle our way through the crowd; there were a lot of ponies packed in pretty tightly here, but they were mostly milling about aimlessly. It wasn’t until we got pretty close to the front of the crowd that we actually had trouble getting through, and then we just had Rainbow and Applejack take the lead and clear a path for the rest of us.

“Halt!” Two of the guards moved to bar our way as soon as we broke out from the front the rest of the crowd and started trotting forward. “The Princess has declared a state of emergency until Nightmare Moon has been defeated. Nopony is allowed entry to the palace except on official business.” The guard fixed us with a stoic glare for a long moment, until he noticed a certain pegasus in our midst. “Is that you, Derpy Hooves? On messenger duty again?”

Derpy fluttered up to stand in front of the guard, and nodded with her the innocent enthusiasm that seemed crop up whenever she wasn’t having one of those flashes of espionage-related brilliance. “Uh-huh! Got a message for Captain Shining Armor from Lieutenant Commander Stalwart Shield in Cloudsdale.”

“Alright, go on through.” The guards cleared out of Derpy’s path, and the lot of us started forward. “Those other ponies with you, Derpy?” The spy nodded back, and the guards shifted a little further to the side to let the rest of us through. Well, that was the first hurdle cleared. Now we just needed to –

“Wait! Stop right there, Derpy Hooves!”

One of the pegasus guards gave a quick flap of his wings to land in front of us. Oh, that was very not good. What gave us away? I should’ve known something was going to go wrong; it had been way too long since I’d run into anything worse than a minor inconvenience. The journey to Canterlot had been quick and easy, Rainbow’s grudge and the big nasty argument amongst all the friends had resolved itself way too easily, our contacts in Canterlot hadn’t been compromised, and the plan was going smoothly. After more than a day of nothing going catastrophically wrong, I was past due for some terrible luck to ruin everything. All the ponies froze, Rainbow was in a half-crouched fighting stance, and I got ready to toss some spellfire.

Derpy played it a lot cooler than my barely concealed fight-or-flight panic, turning around and giving the guards her most harmless smile. A second later the pony who seemed to be in charge here spoke up. “As long as you’re going to see the Captain, tell him we need some more ponies on duty in the city. The crowds are getting restless, and from the reports I’ve been getting reports that Nightmare Moon has agents in the city trying to start a riot.”

“Okay.” Derpy answered innocently. A second later we were moving right along again, and I was feeling a little silly for nearly jumping into a completely unnecessary fight. Considering everything we’d been through, being on edge was totally understandable, but that didn’t change the fact that I’d been seconds away from blowing our cover. Alright, calm down Harry. Remember, you need to play this smooth; don’t get worried or panicky when something goes wrong, just stay cool and in control. Like Derpy.

It says something about the way the last few days had gone that a pony named Derpy Hooves had me beat in the coolness department.

The palace was in a similar state to the rest of Canterlot, except that it was organized panic and chaos instead of the normal kind. It’s kind of hard to explain the difference, really, but trust me, there is one.

Derpy led us straight through several corridors, and true to my hopes everyone else was way too busy dealing with their own business to stick their noses into ours. Soon enough we’d gotten to the entrance of the throne room, and that’s where we hit hurdle number two with a second set of guards. There were only six of them this time, but I doubt Derpy would be able to bluff her way past them as easily as the ones on crowd-control duty. We ducked into a side passage for a quick planning session.

“Alright, the floor’s open to everything from brilliant strategies to zany schemes.” There were two lines of columns in the hallway leading up to the throne room; that would give us some cover if we wanted to try being sneaky. Or if we wound up into a magical firefight; a pretty big chunk of the royal guards were unicorns, after all.

“Oooo! I’ve got an idea!” Pinkie burst out. The pink pony yanked a large cardboard box out from behind a little decorative wall strut that most definitely shouldn’t have been able to have a large box hidden behind it. The pony dropped it over her body and crouched down, so the bottom of the box rested against the floor. “We’ll totally blend in this way! Whenever they’re not looking we’ll move forward, and whenever they look at us we just drop down and stay still, and they’ll all be like, ‘oh, that just a boring dumb box, we can ignore it’ and this is the best plan ever!” Pinkie poked her head out from under the box, and added. “By the way Harry, the floor isn’t open; floors can’t be open, they’re not doors, silly.”

“Uh, right, thanks for that Pinkie.” Rainbow Dash was right; Pinkie Pie was so random. “So, any other suggestions?”

“We got them outnumbered.” Rainbow Dash opined. “And more important than that, we’ve got the fastest, strongest, and coolest pegasus in Equestria on our side.”

“Yeah, Derpy’s a real solid addition to the team.” I never pass up a chance to be a smartass.

That punctured Dash’s ego for a bit, but only for a bit. “And on top of that, we’ve got a pretty cool wizard, and an Earth Pony who’s almost as fast and strong as I am.” Rainbow tossed a significant look Applejack’s way. “We can handle a couple dumb guards.”

“Now hold on a second.” Applejack cut in. “We can’t just go fightin’ all them guards. Even if we beat ‘em, they’ll put out an alarm, and that’s assumin’ nopony hears us gettin’ into a big ol’ tussle with ‘em in the first place.”

“Well what’s your idea then?” Rainbow demanded. “Throw apples at them? Offer to give them some apples if they let us by? Something else stupid involving apples?”

“I, well…” Applejack paused for a moment of consideration. “Well, I guess we could try gettin’ them to go somewhere else, so they ain’t in our way anymore. And if that don’t work, then I reckon I’ll take the two on the right, Dash’ll go up the left, and Harry can go up the middle.”

“But … but we can’t fight them.” Fluttershy whispered. “What if we hurt one of them?”

“So, distraction and misdirection then?” Rarity announced. “Well, I can be rather charming when I want to. Leave it to me.”

“Hold on a tick.” I put a leg up in Rarity’s path. “I could buy charming one or two guys to leave, sure. But there are half a dozen of them there. At best, you’ll split them up for a bit. It’s a good idea, but we need something that’ll get rid of all six of them. I mean, getting rid of a couple of them would be something, but that would still leave us in the same boat of needing to fight our way past the ones that are left, and even if we pull it off before the guards can set off some sort of alarm, their friends will be back in a couple minutes. Plus, there’s a pretty good chance the guards watching over the Elements will recognize you guys on sight.”

“Maybe if we just asked them really nicely they’d let us by?” Fluttershy suggested hopefully. A second later, now that everyone was looking at her, she shrank back down to the ground. “Or, maybe not. Sorry. I’ll just be quiet now.”

“Alright.” I could feel the beginnings of a plan coming together. “Derpy, the ponies here trust you to play messenger. So we need to come up with a fake message that’ll get them all out of the way. Tell them that Guard Captain…” I paused and tried to remember what Derpy had said the Captain’s name was.

“Shining Armor.” Derpy helpfully supplied.

“Yeah, him. Anyway, tell the guards that the Captain needs to put them on riot control duty, and he’s got some ponies on the way to replace them, but they need to get moving right now before things go out of control. The guys up front already asked for reinforcements, so with any luck it’ll be awhile before anyone notices anything out of the ordinary.”

“Nice plan!” Derpy declared enthusiastically. The pegasus took wing, and after a bit of conversation with the guards that I couldn’t quite make out, all six of them cantered away. Second hurdle cleared.

The lot of us walked through the massive double doors into the throne room. Just like Derpy told us, all six of the Elements of Harmony were standing on a pedestal right next to the throne. Everything had gone perfectly according to plan.

Way too according to plan. I don’t trust any plan that works perfectly. Maybe that makes me paranoid, but just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean there’s not an invisible demon a couple seconds away from eating your face. My wizard sense was tingling, telling me that something wasn’t quite right here.

I was about to warn the other ponies, when our friendly neighborhood spy flew over to the Elements. “Derpy, wait, I’ve got a bad feeling about this!“

Derpy reached out to take the Elements of Harmony, and her hooves passed right through them, An illusion. And that meant–

There was a blinding flash of light, and all the ponies cried out in pain. Yeah, that’s what I’d been afraid of. We’d walked right into a trap.

Once I could see again, I realized that we were utterly, completely doomed. For starters, instead of being empty now the room was packed with guards. That, I might have been able to deal with. Okay, it would’ve taken a hell of a lot of doing, but I’ve handled a bunch of mooks before. It was what was sitting on the throne that had me shitting bricks.

“I thought there were only two of them.” I whimpered.

The pony on the throne was the very image of a princess, though she was smaller than the actual princesses, and lacked their imposing presence. The pony herself was pink, and her mane had a mix of purple, pink, and yellow. Much like Celestia and Luna, she wore a golden chest piece and shoes.

More importantly than all those minor little details, she had wings. And a horn.

That was bad.

That was very, very bad.

I remembered what had happened when Celestia threw down with Discord. Odds were this winged unicorn wasn’t nearly that strong, but even a fraction of Celestia’s power would be enough to thoroughly kick all of our asses. I didn’t even need to bring up my Sight to know that Discord had gotten to her.

“Greetings, servants of Nightmare Moon.” The winged unicorn declared. “I am Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. By my authority as a member of the royal family, I hereby sentence you to exile. If you resist, you will be summarily executed.” A very nasty smile appeared on her face. “Please, do resist.”

Rainbow Dash summed it all up in two words. “We’re fucked.”

Well, this Could Lead to some Future Awkwardness...

“May we have a few seconds to consider your most generous offer of surrender?” I asked, trying to sound as meek and humble as I could manage.

“By all means, take all the time you need to contemplate your doom.” The Princess offered as magnanimously as anyone could while still sounding so utterly certain of their own superiority

I turned back to the group, and dropped my voice to a harsh whisper. “If anyone has any brilliant ideas that’ll keep us from getting killed in the next few seconds, feel free to speak up.” We were kind of outnumbered ten to one, and that’s before taking into account that one of the baddies had the whole princess thing going for her. Sure, this Princess Mi Amore Cadenza looked like she was a couple ranks lower down on the totem pole than Celestia and Luna, but those two probably could’ve crushed me with a stray thought. A couple ranks lower down on the pole just took me from ‘crushed like a bug’ to ‘clubbed like a baby seal.’

“We could get out through the windows.” Rainbow Dash suggested.

“We ain’t exactly on the ground floor.” Applejack shot right back. “Kinda a long way down for those of us that don’t got wings, and I don’t reckon the three of ya that do can carry the four of us that don’t.”

“I could get everypony just fine if I had enough time to build up to Rainboom speed first.” A second later Rainbow frowned, and very reluctantly conceded. “I don’t think they’d let me fly off, build up speed for a couple seconds, and then come back though.”

“Not to mention that we’d still have plenty of bad news coming after us even if we did get into the air.” The guards seemed to be about evenly split between pegasi and unicorns; three heavily burdened fliers weren’t going to be able to get away from more than thirty unburdened fliers, not to mention that our biggest problem naturally had wings to go along with that horn of hers. “Anyone else?”

“I say we just try to bust straight through to the door.” Applejack offered her unsurprisingly direct solution. “They might have us plenty outnumbered, but there’s only about a dozen of ‘em near the doors. We get past them, and we’re home free.”

“Hardly the most sophisticated of approaches.” Rarity objected. “Honestly, I would suggest we surrender.” That got her shocked looks from Rainbow and Applejack until she explained. “There’s no way to win this fight, but only Celestia could actually exile us to the moon. They’ll have to put us in some manner of prison until she returns. I doubt we’ll have dozens of guards and a princess watching over our cell. It would give us time to plan; I might be able to charm our jailor, or one of you might come up with a brilliant solution in the time we’ve bought.”

“That’s … not a bad plan.” It says something about how much trouble we were in that surrendering was currently looking like our best option. Applejack’s plan might work, but the simple and straightforward approach had the downside of being very obvious. They’d have to be idiots to not anticipate an attempt to break out through the main doors. “Pinkie, don’t suppose you can just yank us into the Outside and get outta here?”

“Nopey dopey.” Pinkie declared, her voice devoid of its usual cheerfulness. “The castle’s got all kinds of defensive spells on it to keep stuff from going in and out of the Outside near it.” Well, that made a lot of sense; I certainly wouldn’t want an Outsider popping into my home.

“Also,” Pinkie continued, “When we saw the princess I got an eye flutter, then tail twitch, and then ear flops. That means that somepony’s showing up earlier than they’re supposed to. ” Pinkie frowned, and added. “Too bad I don’t have a combo for ‘a bunch of meanie-pantses are about to show up and be total party poopers.’ That would’ve made dealing with Gilda so much easier.” Ah, good old Pinkie Pie randomness.

In any case, Fluttershy didn‘t seem like she was likely to offer anything; combat tactics, hell, combat in general, just wasn‘t her thing. “Derpy, you got anything?”

Derpy dropped down onto her haunches with a thump. “Nope, I got nothin’”

Well, super. Surrendering had never been something I cared to do, but Rarity’s plan was our best shot at getting out of this thing. We’d get more time to work with, and a chance at changing the dynamics of our situation. I sighed, and felt my head slump down in defeat. With my eyes lingering on the ground, I spoke. “Princess, we sur-”

That’s when I noticed the pattern of cracks rapidly spreading across the floor. A second later I realized that network of expanding cracks seemed to be growing from underneath a rather familiar bubble-marked butt. How a single Pegasus managed to sit down hard enough to break an entire marble floor, I will never know. And she said she didn’t have any way of getting us out of here.

Well, this called for a change of plan. “On second thought, go to hell.”

A moment later the damaged floor dropped out from beneath us. The three pegasi grabbed those of us lacking in the wings department and gave a few quick flaps to keep us from crashing into the next floor down at an unhealthy velocity, and we hit the ground running. Above us, I heard an enraged cry of, “Get them!”

A few seconds later the guards were coming down after us, but by then we were already scrambling out of there. Being chased by dozens of bad buys was a big step up from being surrounded by them with no way out. We weren’t going to get away with a small army hot on our heels though; we needed a way to widen the gap. As an added bonus, I had to be real careful about what sort of combat spells I tossed out. If Rainbow Dash could get away with dropping an F-bomb, odds were the rules about no killing weren’t in that good of shape either. Nobody coming after us was one of the bad guys; I really didn’t want to kill good people who were only on the other side because they were being mind-controlled or lied to.

Lucky for us, I had a couple nice non-lethal tricks up my sleeve. Tossing spells behind me while running away at a full gallop wasn’t all that easy, so I focused on stuff that wouldn’t need a very precise touch. “Arctis! Vacuus!” An ice-slick behind us would slow down anyone chasing us on foot, and the vacuum zone would do the same for the fliers. I wouldn’t be able to keep the vacuum up for too long, but it bought us a bit more breathing room. “You guys see any way to slow them down, you take it!”

“Okay.” Derpy looked over her shoulder at the pursuing guard, and wound up slamming face-first into one of the decorative stone columns that lined the corridor we were running down. A second later the Pegasus was flying alongside the rest of us, looking slightly punch-drunk, while the column tipped over and fell across the path behind us. How does a single pony manage to keep smashing through solid stone?

I followed it up with another ice and vacuum zone, and then we rounded a corner and saw the exit up ahead. There were guards on the doors, but most of them still had their eyes on the mob outside, not the small group of ponies running for the exit. “Forzare!” I kept my force spell spread wide enough to avoid doing too much damage; I just wanted to smack them out of the way and stun them a bit, not do any serious harm. If we could get out into the city and blend in with the crowd, we might just get out of this in one piece.

Rarity got the doors with her telekinesis, and we rushed out into the city. Or at least, that was the plan. We got about half a step out the door when a pink curtain of energy sprang up between us and the rest of the city. I tossed a quick burst of magic at the barrier, but didn’t even come close to disrupting it. I recognized the spell well enough; it was the exact same type of barrier as the one that had been over all of Canterlot, just a lot more concentrated. If I had the time to sit down and work on it I might be able to open up a hole for us, but we didn’t have a couple minutes to spare.

The ponies looked to me for direction, and I hastily pointed down a side corridor. After another few minutes of scrambling we found another room that opened out into a large balcony, but the same field that blocked the door had kept us from just jumping off the balcony. “Stars and Stones. I bet the entire palace is covered.” I was briefly tempted to ask Derpy to take a crack at smashing into the barrier. She’d done well enough against stone floor and columns; she might be able to handle a magical field too.

I turned to the spy, just in time to see her drop to the ground with a startled yell as a dozen tiny vipers appeared from nowhere and swarmed over the Pegasus. A second later the princess appeared, sporting a narrowed set of glowing green eyes right above her normal ones and a sickly green glow emanated from her horn. Well that’s just super; not only were we up against another princess, but she’d been Denarianed up as well. Her guards filed into the room to surround us once more. “There is no escape from here. You are doomed Dresden.”

“You’d be surprised how often I hear that.” Rarity and Fluttershy worked together to quickly clear the snakes off of Derpy, while the rest of us kept our eyes on the bad guys. Derpy didn’t look too badly wounded, but she wasn’t getting back up. Those snakes Saluriel was fond of conjuring up probably packed some seriously nasty poisons, though I have no idea how cartoon pony anatomy interacts with demon-snake venom.

On the bright side, it looked like we’d at least reduced their numbers a bit from the chase; odds are there had been some guards who’d gotten turned around during the big chaotic chase, or were just out covering other potential getaway points. Anything that reduced the number of people we had to fight was a good thing.

I did a quick bit of mental arithmetic. Counting Miss Princess in front of us, we’d accounted for seven of the eight Denarii Nicodemus had tossed into the fray. Not that it counted for much; Nicky might not have put all his cards on the table, but at the very least we had one more coin out there to deal with. With Twilight booted to the moon, it was likely she didn’t have the last one; Nicky wouldn’t let an asset like one of his coins go to waste so far away from the action.

Celestia might be a possibility too, but I doubted it. Celestia was plenty dangerous on her own; giving her a Denarian’s power on top of that would be a drop in the bucket. Using a coin to turn a nobody into a juggernaut was a lot smarter than using it to turn a juggernaut into a slightly more dangerous juggernaut.

Odds were decent the last coin was somewhere in front of us. Well, I guess it was possible that Nicky might be hanging onto his daughter’s coin for sentimental value, but Nicodemus wasn’t the kind of guy who would put sentimentality above practicality. Guess I might as well start with the most obvious place, a unicorn in a fancier set of armor who was presumably the Captain of the Guard, Shining Armor. I put my sights firmly on the blue-maned unicorn and opened my Sight.

A quick check was all I needed to confirm that while Discord had worked a mind-whammy on him, the guard captain was coinless. That wasn’t the only interesting thing I learned about the guy though. The Sight can give you a pretty good sense of someone; it’s not nearly as much insight as you would get from a soul gaze, but looking at someone through The Sight will still give you a rough idea of what kind of person you’re dealing with. For example, whenever I’d caught a glimpse of Rainbow, Fluttershy, and the rest of them through the Sight while doing coin extraction, it was easy to see the bond of friendship they all shared.

Shining Armor had a bond that was every bit as strong as the one the friends shared, but different. It took me a second to put it all together. Huh. So the captain of the guard was in love with a princess. No, a glance over at her confirmed that, underneath the mind-whammy from Discord and the Denarian’s influence, the feeling was mutual. Well, that was interesting. And it might just give us a way out of here.

Love is a powerful thing. Emotion in general is, and there aren’t many emotions out there than can drive people to crazier extremes than love. Hell’s bells, I’d started a war with the Red Court over it. In the land of magical ponies where weaponized friendship was basically a magical evil-destroying nuke, odds were love was all kinds of potent.

Pinkie and Rarity had both shaken off their Discord and Denarian double whammy through the power of friendship. Seems like we might be able to snap this princess out of evil mode if we could find a way to bring the power of love to bear on her. That would turn things right around; she’d go from threat to asset. Not only would we not need to worry about getting captured, we could also get the Elements from wherever they’d been hidden, and she could bring the Canterlot garrison into the civil war on Luna’s side.

I turned back to my equine companions, and had a brief moment of shock before I had the presence of mind to close my Sight. “Alright everyone, here’s the plan. Looks like miss demon princess is sweet on the captain of the guard. So, if we can figure out a way to leverage that, we might be able to snap her out of evil mode. I’ll try to keep the princess –“

“Snakeyhooves!” Pinkie Pie yelled out, completely derailing my train of thought. “You should call her Snakeyhooves.” Pinkie explained a moment later. “’cause there’s no way you could make a funny nickname from a name like Mi Amore Cadenza.”

“Um. Right. Thanks for that Pinkie. Anyway, I’ll try to keep Snakeyhooves occupied, while the rest of you work on grabbing the captain. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, you’re the grabbers. Rarity, do what you can to keep him from getting any spells off.” Odds were the captain of the royal guards could out-magic a fashionista, especially in a combat scenario, but any help she could offer would be great. “Pinkie Pie, break out the partillery and use it to cover them. Fluttershy, keep an eye on Derpy.” The spy was still down from the princess’ snake attack, and telling Fluttershy to watch over the wounded mare sounded a lot better than saying, ‘Everyone knows you hate fighting, so sit back and let us handle it.’

While the other ponies squared off against Shining Armor, I stepped to the plate against the possessed pink pony princess. Well, I had to knock a couple guards out of the way first, but a single force spell took care of that. “Hey, Princess, there any way to cut down that name of yours?” I asked casually. “I mean, it’s a nice name and all, but it’s got to be a huge pain spitting out that big mouthful of a name all the time. Plus, Pinkie and I haven’t had much luck coming up with funny nicknames to mock you with. I mean, Luna and Celestia have nice simple names, so why do you have to have such a big one? Throw us a bone here.”

Instead of politely providing me with an easier to mock version of her name, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza broke out the demon powers and tried to get me with some of her nasty little snake buddies. A quick “Fuego!” dealt with the snakes, but a second later I had to half-freeze a pair of guard pegasi who had come flying straight at me. Before I could turn my attention back to the princess, I had to raise up a shield to block several unicorns tossing their own spells at me. Sheesh, these guards just didn’t respect the fact that I was trying to fight their leader in single combat. It’s like they were her bodyguards or something.

I stomped a hoof on the ground, and poured a huge chunk of energy into the next set of spells. “Fuego!” A twenty-foot circle of fire sprang up around the princess and I. Ice probably would have made for a better wall, but making that much ice would’ve been tricky to manage. After all, you need water to make ice. If it’s just a matter of slapping a coat of frost on someone or making the floor slippery you can generally pull enough water vapor from the air as long as you’re not in a desert, but making a thick wall long and tall enough to split the battlefield was too much unless you were running around in a swamp.

I followed up my wall of fire with a vacuum dome to cover the air. Between the fire and the vacuum I should be able to keep Princess Snakeyhooves from getting out and causing the rest of the ponies any trouble and I wouldn’t need to worry about getting hit from behind by half a dozen guards in the middle of dealing with their boss.

It wasn’t a perfect barrier; for starters I had to keep a bit of a gap between the vacuum zone and the fire to avoid snuffing out the flames. Odds were the guard unicorns were already working on taking down my spells, but countering magic is a tricky process. I’d put a lot of energy into those two spells, and trying to unravel that much energy without making it blow up in your face is a delicate process. Not to mention that the royal guards had probably never tried to unravel spells like mine before.

Just as I was about to start feeling confident, a couple of the guards chucked their spears through my handy-dandy wall of fire. The flames were more than hot enough to deter your average flesh-and-blood creature, but a steel spearhead was a bit tougher to hurt, and even the wooden shafts only got a bit charred in the process of passing through my flames. Knocking the spears aside with a force shield was easy, but it was a pointed reminder that my little wall of isolation wasn’t all that perfect.

So, now it was just down to me and princess pegacorn. Or was she a unipeg? Wingacorn? “Hey, demon-girl, what’s the term for a winged unicorn anyway?”

“Most ponies call them Alicorns.” Pinkie Pie chimed in helpfully.

“Seriously?” I frowned at the possessed princess. “I mean, that makes as much sense as calling a human a keratin.” For a brief moment the demon princess and quite possibly everyone else on the battlefield paused and eyed me in confusion. “You know, the stuff fingernails are made of? ‘Cause alicorn is just what a unicorn’s horn is made out of, so… you know what, never mind.” The middle of a life-or-death battle really wasn’t the time to get into a naming debate.

Then again, judging by the annoyed look on the princess’ face, the fact that I wasn’t taking her seriously seemed to be pissing her off. “So what am I supposed to call you anyway?” I resumed our prior banter. “I’ve gotta cut that name down for convenience. I guess I could drop the ‘Mi Amore’ part of your name out, ‘cause no offense princess, but even if the whole horse thing wasn’t a deal-breaker, as long as you’re tossing demon snakes at me and trying to kill my friends you sure as hell don’t qualify as my amore. So that’d give me … Snakenza? Cadenziel? Demonza?”

Princess Snakeyhooves responded by, surprise surprise, ignoring my battle banter and tossing more demon snakes at me. Her witty one-liners were seriously lacking. Maybe it was her Fallen’s fault; Saluriel was all about the snakes after all, and snakes don’t have much of a vocabulary beyond hissing. When your entire repertoire consists of ‘create snakes,’ ‘talk to snakes,’ and ‘turn into a snake’ you’re kind of limiting yourself to a single theme. Well, Saluriel might have a couple spells that didn’t involve snakes, but when it came to quick and dirty combat magic I hadn’t seen any breaks from the theme.

Although now that I thought about it, that did bring up an interesting point. Snakenza seemed to be relying almost entirely on the Snake part of their little partnership, and not so much on the Cadenza part. Most of the demon ponies had a fighting style that played to the strengths of their host: Rainbow Abomination and Flutterfiend had used their wings as a major part of their combat tactics, Demon Pie used Pinkie’s ability to casually disregard physics and break out weapons of mass celebration, Applegog had used Applejack’s personal knowledge to dupe Pinkie Pie and hit her with a sucker punch, and Raridemon took advantage of Rarity’s unicorn magic, at least until Fluttershy started complicating things.

So why was it that Princess Snakeyhooves hadn’t broken out any of her nasty pegacorn mojo? So far, the only tricks she’d brought to the fight were Saluriel’s old classics. If Celestia and Luna were anything to judge by, pegacorns were bad enough news that breaking out the pegacorn powers should be enough to make this an easy win for her. So why hadn’t she kicked my ass with some high-level juju?

Only a few real answers sprang to mind. The first possibility was that she had some sort of reason I didn’t know about for holding back. Wouldn’t be the first time some baddie came at me with almost-lethal force in the hopes of pushing me into doing what they wanted. If that was the case, I couldn’t really see what her game was though.

Possibility number two was that for whatever reason she couldn’t tap into her pegacorn power. Maybe Discord’s mind-whammy locked that part of her power out, or tapping into it would knock her free of his control. However, I was personally inclined to think that the third explanation was the right one:

She wasn’t breaking out any ridiculously powerful pegacorn mojo because she didn’t have it.

Assuming this new princess was cut from the same cloth as Celestia and Luna had been an error on my part. An understandable one, but an error nonetheless. Celestia and Luna were nigh-immortal beings of godlike power; I guess one could argue about what exactly ‘godlike’ means, but I figure that any creature that’s been alive for a thousand or more years, can crush ordinary mortals like a bug, and can single-handedly enact some flavor of apocalypse qualifies as godlike.

So far as I knew, this Princess Cadenza didn’t meet any of those criteria. She didn’t have the aura of power that surrounded Celestia and Luna, and given her obscurity she obviously wasn’t as old as the other two pegacorns. Heck, if she’d been in Celestia and Luna’s weight class, you would think someone might have mentioned her before now, what with there being a war on and all.

It all led to a single conclusion: Cadenza might be a pegacorn and a princess, but she had nothing on Celestia and Luna. She was just a normal pony, who happened to have both wings and a horn. I suppose it should’ve been obvious. Hell’s bells, I’d said as much a couple minutes ago. Why give a power-boosting coin to someone who’s already really powerful? Cadenza got a coin because she wasn’t a powerhouse. She was probably a classic princess who’d never gone within a hundred miles of a life-and-death battle before; she certainly didn’t seem to have much in the way muscle when compared to all the bulky royal guards she’d brought along.

Or maybe what magical muscle she had just didn’t lend itself to combat. In a straight-up spell brawl, it doesn’t matter how powerful your magic is if you don’t have the know-how to use that power to blast someone in the face.

That changed things quite a bit. I didn’t need to worry about containing Princess Snakeyhooves; I could beat her. I brought my Sight back up for a brief moment to confirm where the coin had been implanted in her body. Cadenza tried tossing some more snakes at me, and the guards chucked a couple more spears my way, but a simple force spell solved both problems.

A quick check on the rest of the battlefield outside my little safe zone showed that my miscalculation with Cadenza was costing us. The ponies were doing their best to hold out, but the guards still had them seriously outnumbered, and trying to capture Shining Armor hadn’t worked out well at all. I guess that figures; you don’t get to be captain of the royal guard by being a pushover.

Dozens of force fields split the battlefield, cutting the ponies off from each other and making it just about impossible for them to even launch a coordinated defense, let alone the attack I’d wanted from them. Rainbow Dash had managed to link back up with Fluttershy and Derpy, but all the others were cut off and isolated. More force fields had them all boxed in, and each pony was facing a squad of guards armed with long pikes. With Shining Armor’s force fields taking away their room to maneuver or retreat, none of the ponies had many options beyond charging into a wall of spears or surrendering. Pinkie Pie and her party cannon were managing to hold out just fine, but Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash were all in untenable positions.

Just to top things off, I had a dozen guard unicorns surrounding my wall of fire, chipping away at the spell. Once my protection went down, I was gonna have dozens on ponies on me, and the only way I could stand a chance in hell of dealing with that many opponents at once was to take the kid gloves off. The thought of breaking out lethal force against a bunch of innocent cartoon ponies sickened me, but there was too much at stake. I’d rather avoid going that far, but if Discord and Nicky won we’d be facing much worse than a couple dead guards.

Another set of demon snakes brought my attention back to the princess, and I found another way out. It was only slightly less nasty, but I’d take what I could get.

With all the spears that had been chucked my way by the guards, I had plenty of weapons available. My grasp of unicorn telekinesis was still pretty elementary, but I wasn’t trying to do anything that fancy. A single tug sent one of the spears lying on the ground into Princess Snakeyhooves’ flank, and a second later I spotted a silver coin falling out of the wound.

Blood accompanied the coin. Quite a bit of it actually. Like I’ve said, my grasp of unicorn telekinesis is a bit shaky, so it’s possible that I might have wound up stabbing her just a bit deeper than I’d intended. I only wanted to scratch deep enough to get the coin out, but it looks like I’d actually done some damage.

Too late to do anything about it now though. I quickly trotted forward and secured Saluriel’s coin in my saddlebags. Between losing the coin and the injury I’d accidently inflicted all the fight seemed to have gone out of Cadenza but I kept a close eye on her anyway; she might not be Denarianed up any more, but I didn’t have the time to undo Discord’s mind-whammy just yet.

When the guards finally broke through my flame wall a few seconds later, they found me holding a bloodied spearhead to their princess’ throat. “Back off! All of you!” I put the edge of the spear right up to Cadenza’s throat, forcing myself to ignore the voice in the back of my head screaming about how wrong this was. The obvious fear on Cadenza’s face and the terrified tears lingering in the corners of her eyes didn’t help my guilt one bit, but I hardened my heart and pressed on. I’d rather traumatize a princess than let her guards kill the ponies who were our only hope of stopping Discord and Nicodemus.

The guards hesitated, and I took a cautious step towards my friends, shoving Cadenza along so she would keep pace with me. “I said back off! Unless you want a dead princess on your hands, you back the hell off!” The guards hesitated, and slowly began backing away from me.

“Cadance!” Looks like Shining Armor had spotted what was up. I made sure I was right next to my hostage; I’m pretty sure if there was any space between us, he’d drop one of his barriers between us in a heartbeat. The guard captain turned to me, righteous fury in his eyes. “Let her go this instant!”

“Yeah, not gonna happen.” I wonder if ordering someone to release their hostage ever works? “Here’s how it’s going to go, captain. You let me and my friends go, and in exchange I won’t slit your girlfriend’s throat.”

I felt a terrified tremble pass through Cadance’s body at that, and it took every bit of willpower I had not to give into my chivalrous instincts and explain that I was bluffing. I couldn’t afford to show any weakness right now; I’ll admit I’m not an expert when it comes to taking hostages, but I’m pretty sure that the instant you make it clear that you’re not willing to kill your hostage, you lose all of your negotiating leverage. My survival, the survival of my pony friends, and the fate of everyone in Equestria and Earth depended on convincing everyone that I would kill this princess without a moment’s hesitation.

“What guarantee do I have that you will release her?” Shining Armor demanded.

“I can guarantee you that if you don’t drop those barriers of yours and get your guards the hell away from my friends, you’ll be short one princess.” I shot back with a snarl,

Shining Armor’s eyes narrowed. “If you hurt her, I swear I’ll –“

“You’ll what?” I cut him off. “Nothing you do will change that fact that your precious little Cadance will be deader than a doornail.” I pressed the point of my spear against her throat until it drew a single bead of blood.

Shining Armor met my eyes for a long moment, long enough for me start worrying about a Soul Gaze. I’m not sure if cartoon ponies have souls, but I didn’t want to soul gaze him; I’m not sure what my soul looks like, but I’d like to believe that anyone who saw my soul would know that I would never murder an innocent in cold blood. If he saw the truth of who and what I really was, Shining Armor would know he could call my bluff.

Or maybe what really scared me was the possibility that soul gazing me wouldn’t have that result. I’ve killed before. I told myself that there was always a good reason for it; that the people I’d killed were bad guys who deserved to die. Even with Susan, as much as her death haunted me, I could tell myself that it had been the least horrible alternative. The Red Court had been responsible for countless atrocities; on the very night I’d destroyed them they’d conducted thousands of human sacrifices to power a blood ritual. I don’t think I could ever really forgive myself for what I’d done, but on some level I still believed that it had been necessary. I’d killed a single innocent to save millions.

Maybe, just maybe, if Shining Armor saw my soul he’d see a man who would kill his princess if pushed into a corner. Maybe I was only telling myself that I was bluffing to rationalize what I was doing. Taking a hostage isn’t exactly the sort thing good guys do.

Even the ponies on my side were looking at me like I’d turned into some kind of monster. I didn’t blame them; I sure as hell felt like one. Stars and stones, here I was taking an innocent woman hostage, and threatening to kill her in front of her boyfriend’s eyes if he didn’t do exactly what I ordered him too. Sure, there was the fate of the multiverse at stake and all, but none of that changed the fact that I had taken a pretty big leap into bad guy territory in the name of the greater good.

I saw the moment when Shining Armor’s will broke, when his anger at me and the discipline of all that guard training collapsed, and all that was left was a man who didn’t want to see the love of his life get hurt. “Stand down.” He ordered his guards in a small, defeated voice. As his soldiers backed off, he undid the barriers surrounding the rest of my friends and blocking our escape from the palace. “You’re free to go; just – just don’t hurt her.”

“I won’t harm a single hair on her pretty little head, as long as you don’t make me.” I kept the spearhead up against Cadance’s neck as I slowly backed up to rest of my team. A quick head count spotted a problem. “Where’s Derpy?”

Fluttershy squeaked in fear as soon as I addressed her, while Rainbow Dash quickly looked around, spotting neither hide nor hair of the missing pegasus. “Dunno.”

Guess the spy had pulled a ninja vanishing act while everyone was distracted by the fact that I’d taken a princess hostage. Smart of her. Guess we didn’t have any choice but to hope she knew what she was doing, and would get away on her own and catch up with us later. Not like we could just drop everything and form a search party to go looking for her.

I turned back to the guards to lay out the final terms. “Here’s how it is. Me and my friends are gonna go now, while the rest of you stay right here. Once we’re far enough away, we’ll let your princess go. Any of you leave the palace and try to follow us, and you won’t like what happens next. All of you bunch up in a nice little group.” The guards followed my order, and I quickly arranged the various fallen weapons and other bits of debris into a crude circle around the guards, and pushed a bit of my will into it. “Anyone crosses that line, and I’ll know it.” There were several reasons that probably wouldn’t work, but the guards didn’t need to know inconvenient details like that.

“You won’t get away with this!” Shining Armor snarled in a classic picture of heroic indignation. I waited patiently to see if he had any more heroic stock phrases to offer, but apparently that was it for him.

“Oh yeah?” Rainbow Dash suddenly chimed in. “’Cause it looks to me like we just did! Don’t mess with us if you want your princess back in one piece!” All the other ponies were staring at Rainbow Dash like she’d suddenly sprouted a second head, but I’m pretty it was just that she’d figured out my game. That, or she had a previously undiscovered regicidal streak.

The lot of us slowly backed away, keeping a careful eye on the guards as we withdrew. Well, Rainbow and I watched the guards; the rest of the ponies seemed every bit as wary of me as they were of the bad guys. Well, brainwashed and/or lied to good guys. Then again, after we’d assaulted his girlfriend and taken her hostage, I’m pretty sure Shining Armor had totally legitimate reasons to hate us now.

As soon as we were out of sight and earshot of the guards, Applejack let me have it. “Just what in the hay do you think you’re doin’ Harry?” if we hadn’t still been in the middle of enemy territory, I suspect she’d be doing a lot worse than just chewing me out. “I appreciate you gettin’ us outta there and all, but foalnappin’ a princess is goin’ way too far!”

Fluttershy offered no words of her own, but the fact that she immediately moved over to the princess’ side and began trying to patch up the wound on her flank where I stabbed her while refusing to look at me or Rainbow Dash was condemnation enough.

“Are you kidding Applejack?” Rainbow Dash leapt up in the air and pulled a quick loop to burn off some of her enthusiasm. “That. Was. AWESOME!” Rainbow basked in her joy for a few more seconds, before turning to me in concern. “Uh, you were bluffing about the whole killing the princess thing, right? Because if you were serious about that, then it is not cool.”

“Of course I was bluffing!” I answered indignantly, dropping the spearhead I’d been holding to Cadance’s throat. I took a moment to undo Discord’s mind whammy on the pony princess before I apologized to her. “Sorry if I scared you back there, but I had to make them take me seriously. Soon as we’re out of the city, we’ll let you go.”

“Um, thanks, I guess.” The princess answered uncertainly. I can’t blame her for not quite being sure what to make of us. Taking away her coin and Discord’s mind spell might have unscrambled her brain, but it didn’t change the fact that so far all she knew about us was that we’d kidnapped her, threatened to kill her, and now revealed that we didn’t really mean it.

“I must say, it was a rather convincing act.” Rarity chimed in.

“Yeah!” Pinkie agreed energetically. “I totally believed you when you said you were gonna slit her throat if any of those guards tried anything!” Pinkie turned her attention to the pony who was still technically our hostage. ”Did you believe him too princess? I bet you did, ‘cause was really super-scary, wasn’t he?”

“Yes?” Cadance offered, sounding rather taken aback by the question.

“Right. So anyway.” Rainbow Dash turned her attention to me. “What’s the plan now? We still don’t have the Elements of Harmony, and that’s the whole reason we came to Canterlot in the first place! Plus Derpy ran off saying she had stuff to do and she’d catch up with us later, and I’ve got no idea where she is or if she’s alright!”

She had a point; even if we did manage to get out of the city, the whole reason we’d come here in the first place had turned out to be a complete bust. Luna had gambled everything on our ability to snag the Elements of Harmony, and we’d let her down. In all likelihood, we had hours at best until Celestia crushed her younger sister’s army and sent her back to the moon for another thousand years, and once Luna and her resistance movement were out of the picture, our chances of actually managing to steal the Elements out from under Celestia’s nose went down to just about zero, not to mention that if Luna and Twilight were both stuck on the moon we would have nobody who could use the Element of Magic anyway.

My gaze drifted over to our hostages, and I realized we might not be completely out of luck yet. She’d set up the trap and the fake Elements; it was possible she knew where the real ones were. “So Princess, don’t suppose you could tell us where to find the Elements of Harmony?”

“You’ve attacked me, threatened me, foalnapped me, and took me hostage to make my special – my captain of the guard let you go. Why should I tell you anything?” When she put it like that, I guess I couldn’t blame her for not being in a cooperative mood.

I briefly lamented the fact that I’d already given away the fact that we had no intention of killing her. Getting her to spill the beans would’ve been a lot easier if we could’ve plausibly threatened her to loosen her tongue.

If we’d had time for it, I’m sure we could’ve reasoned with her now that I’d undone Discord’s mind control. There were enough things that didn’t quite add up about Celestia’s official story to make plenty of the natives suspicious, and with enough time we probably could’ve convinced her that we were the good guys. Unfortunately, time was the one more thing we were short of.

“I did promise we would let you go, but I never said when or where.” I bluffed. “I could let you go right in the middle of a dragon’s den or the Everfree Forest, and still be keeping my word.”

“You wouldn’t.” Cadance didn’t sound the slightest bit frightened by my threat. I really should’ve reigned in those chivalrous impulses for a bit longer and kept playing the bad guy.

“You’re right, he wouldn’t.” Rarity conceded, before adding with a tight smile. “We could, however, turn you over to Nightmare Moon instead. We are working for her, after all.”

“But you promised you would let me go!” Cadance protested, a slight tremble of fear evident in her voice.

“Harry promised he would let you go.” Rarity answered smoothly. “I made no such guarantee. However, I would be prepared to honor his promise if you just tell us what we want to know. It’s entirely up to you darling; a meeting with Nightmare Moon, or telling us one insignificant little fact.”

“Okay.” Cadance conceded. “I’ll tell you.” How did a cartoon pony manage to be more intimidating than me? “Celestia has them.” A hint of defiance returned to Cadance’s eyes. “She’s going to use them to destroy your mistress.”

Hell’s bells, I’d completely missed that. We’d all been thinking that Celestia would want to keep the Elements of Harmony far away from us so we wouldn’t be able to use them against her. It made perfect sense … except that Celestia had no idea the Elements were a threat to her. Discord had her head twisted around to the point where she thought we were the bad guys and she was on the side of the angels. Of course she would keep the Elements on-hand in case she wound up needing to use them herself.

“Alright gals, let’s get moving.” We had to get back to Luna in time to let her know what was up, and then we could try to reclaim the Elements from Celestia and turn them against her. It was going to be tricky to pull off, but I’ve made worse plans work.

Lucky for us, the sudden onset of nighttime still had Canterlot in chaos, so we didn’t run into any trouble getting out to the city. I didn’t see any indications that we were being followed, so either my effort at bluffing the guards with that circle had worked and we’d gotten out free and clear, or the guards shadowing us were doing such a good job that we never saw any sign of them. It would be nice if for once the more optimistic of the two possibilities turned out to be the right one.

Eventually we got to the wilderness outside of the big city, so all we had left to do was deal with our royal hostage. It was a pretty safe bet that as soon as we let her go she’d run straight back to Canterlot and the guards, and as soon as their princess was safe Shining Armor was going to be coming after us with every single guardpony he could get his hooves on. Boosting up our lead time as much as possible seemed like a really good idea. “Applejack, tie Cadance up.”

“You promised to release me!” Cadance protested.

“And we’re going to let you go.” I assured our temporary hostage. “But we all know that as soon as you get back to your guards you’re going to point them in our direction, so we’re going to slow you down a bit.” Unless Cadance was a lot dumber than she’d seemed, she would know that we were going after Celestia thanks to our question about the Elements.

I was almost tempted to forget my promise and just bring her along with us, but I’m pretty sure that the main reason she’d been a relatively cooperative prisoner so far was because I’d promise to release her later. If she started kicking and screaming, we’d have a lot more trouble with her, and with the timetable we were dealing with we couldn’t afford to have a rebellious princess slowing us down.

“Applejack, get her wings and her legs. I don’t want her flying or running, and try to get the ropes tight enough on her that she can’t just magic them loose.” Odds were she would slip the ropes eventually no matter how good Applejack was, but I didn’t want to make it too easy on the princess.

Applejack took to my instructions with gusto, trussing up Cadance so thoroughly that you could barely see the princess at all on account of all the rope covering her. “I’m awful sorry about this your highness.” Applejack apologized even as she added another set of ropes around the princess’ hooves. “But like Harry said, we can’t have you runnin’ off to your guards five minutes after we let ya go.” The farmpony let out a nervous chuckle as she added. “Hope ya don’t take all this personal or anythin’, it’s just that the future of Equestria is at stake and all…”

“Yeah, we’re super-sorry about all this.” Pinkie added.

“Please don’t hate us.” Fluttershy squeaked.

Cadance glared at Applejack and the others as best she could when pretty much every single part of her was covered in a couple layers of rope. “You won’t be able to escape from Shining Armor, and I won’t forget this. You will face justice for your crimes.”

With a slight frown and a rather uncomfortable expression, Rarity pulled a silk handkerchief out of her saddlebag. “I think perhaps a gag would be prudent as well.” The unicorn gave an apologetic flinch. “We really are terribly sorry about all of this, Your Highness.”

The Hero's Choice

“Quick, get under the trees!”

We all scrambled into cover, and a few seconds later a trio of guard pegasi swooped over our position. We’d been on the road for six hours since leaving Cadance behind, and we’d been making pretty good time; we were already on the edge of Whitetail Wood. The fact that the moon was up, and the temperature was at least thirty degrees cooler than it had been on our trip to Canterlot probably helped a lot.

So far there hadn’t been any signs of pursuit from Shining Armor and the Canterlot garrison, and the guards we’d just evaded had come from the other direction. Odds were, they were scouts from Celestia’s forces. We were getting close.

That still left the issue of what to do once we met back up with Luna. We would have to find some way to get Celestia to pull out the Elements before we could snag them. Maybe the old fake defection ploy? Celestia would want to believe that Twilight’s friends would be on her side in a fight against Nightmare Moon, especially since having five other ponies to use the Elements with would make them stronger. It would be an inverse of Luna’s plan, letting all the other ponies use their Elements while Celestia subbed in for Twilight. That would get us five out of six, and then we would just need to snag the Element of Magic from Celestia and get it to Luna to seal the deal. Risky, but I could make it work.

First we had to get to Celestia and Luna though. It was a good thing we’d left Cadance behind, because if we still had her along she probably would’ve gone running out into the open or just started screaming her head off to attract the attention of the guards. Even if it didn’t get us caught, that would kill any hopes of tricking Celestia into thinking we were on her side.

“Alright, we need to know where Luna and Celestia are, and get a general idea of the lay of the land. Rainbow Dash, can you get up there, take a look around, and get back here without being spotted?”

“In my sleep!” The pegasus shot up through the trees, and after several tense seconds zoomed back down. Rainbow looked worried.

That was bad. Really bad. If Rainbow Dash was worried, it usually meant that people who didn’t have her boundless self-confidence should be panicking. “Alright, how screwed are we?”

“The Princesses are that way.” Rainbow pointed a hoof in more-or-less the direction we’d already been heading. “Looks like they’ve been fighting for a while, and it doesn’t look like our side’s winning. Plus, it looks like the guys from Canterlot found their princess, ‘cause we got a whole bunch of pissed off pegasi on our tails.”

Super. Just super. “Alright, time to start running. We’ve got to get to Luna before Celestia wins their fight.”

We suited action to words, and all of us started galloping. It meant not sticking to cover any more, but getting there without getting spotted wouldn’t do us any good if we got there too late. Not only were we racing against the clock to get there before Celestia finished off her sister, we also needed to beat any messengers from Canterlot brought word to her about our try at grabbing the Elements if we wanted to have any chance of duping Celestia into thinking we were on her side. The six of us didn’t have much better than a snowball’s chance in hell of being able to take the Elements from her by brute force.

I looked up, and saw that the moon was setting. I’m not an expert on Equestria, but I’m pretty sure that was not good.

“Halt! Who goes there?” A quick look up confirmed that we’d drawn the attention of some of Celestia’s scouts with our mad dash towards the frontlines

We sure as hell didn’t have time to try and fast-talk our way past them, so that really only left one option. “Forzare!” My force blast sent a pair of pegasi tumbling, and I followed it up with a quick “Arctis!” to lock them down for a bit. The ice would only hold them in place for a minute or so, but that was enough time for us to make our getaway.

That still left the third guard, who’d had the common sense to not fly close enough to his teammates to make it easy for me to hit all three of them with a single spell. I tried to take him down, but the pegasus flew through a series of erratic loops and swerves that made him just about impossible to hit, and as soon as my salvo of spellfire passed him by the guard dive-bombed right at Fluttershy.

For a second I thought we might all be doomed right then and there, but an instant before the guard tackled her Fluttershy squeaked out three vaguely familiar words. “Wuld nah kest!”

Fluttershy shot forward twenty feet in the blink of an eye, causing the guard to plow head-first into the ground where Fluttershy had been running a moment ago. Rainbow and I traded a brief look at Fluttershy’s display of power, and the pegasus spoke up, “Hey Fluttershy! You can still do that shouting thing? There were a couple times when that would've been real handy!”

“Sorry.” Fluttershy broke out her standard conversation opener. “It’s just that most of those shouts could hurt somepony if I ever used them.” The pegasus slowed down and tossed a worried look back over her shoulder. “I hope that guard is alright, it looked like he hit the ground really hard. Maybe we should–”

“Keep running!” Rainbow Dash cut her fellow pegasus off before she could convince herself to turn around and go back to help the enemy. Fluttershy’s sweet and gentle nature was a wonderful thing, but sometimes she could really take it a bit too far.

Another glance up confirmed that the moon was getting uncomfortably close to the horizon. We needed to go faster. Like, now.

One last burst of speed got us to the edge of a clearing. Or rather, as I noticed a second later, it had actually gotten us to an area of charred ground with a few burned out husks of trees. Looks like we’d gotten to the place where the royal sisters were moving on to the next stage of their sibling rivalry.

We crested a small hill, and finally came within sight of the two princesses. Well, technically we couldn’t see Celestia, but I’m pretty sure the blazing golden figure in the sky above the battlefield was the solar princess. Luna, by contrast, was looking quite a bit worse for the wear, pinned to the ground by heavy iron chains and sporting a nasty set of bumps, bruises, and a couple burns.

Still, it looked like we made it in time. Luna was still on good old terra firma instead of hanging out on the moon again, and there was no sign of a messenger from Canterlot spilling the beans about our try at grabbing the Elements. We’d gotten here just in the nick of time.

We’d had the good luck to enter the battlefield from behind Celestia, so she didn’t know we were there yet. I was about to call her attention to us and get started with the deception when Luna spotted us, and a second later she locked her eyes on me, and I felt a sudden crushingly powerful presence in my mind. “Thou must flee from this place, Harry Dresden.”

Luna’s lips hadn’t moved, so I was pretty sure this was some form of telepathy. Considering the White Council’s wariness of mind magic, I’d never really looked into whether or not I could learn that particular trick, so all I could do was hope Luna had set things up for a two-way conversation. “Don’t worry, we’ve got a plan.” I did my best to direct the thought at her.

Apparently, Luna had the foresight to realize that I might have something to say, because a second later she responded, “Thy plan is undone before thou might even attempt it. The captain of the royal guard has means of contacting the princess in an emergency; Celestia received word of the attack on Canterlot hours ago.”

Hell’s bells. My plan was dead in the water before we could even try it. Still, there had to be something we could do. Some way to turn this thing around and pull off a win.

“Flee.” Luna ordered me once more. “Survive. Endure. Remain free of Celestia and Discord’s clutches. If thou and the Bearers of Harmony are captured here, all hope will be lost.”

Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!

“Alright, we’ve got to get out here,” I told the other ponies in a harsh whisper. “We’re too late; Celestia knows we tried to grab the Elements, and Luna’s gonna go down any minute now.”

“What?” Rainbow’s voice got loud enough that the rest of us frantically shushed her. “We come all this way, and now you tell us we gotta run for it?”

“Luna’s orders.” My tone made it clear I didn’t like it any more than she did. “Celestia’s onto us, and if we tried jumping into the fray now all it would do is get all of us caught along with Luna. If we all get caught, it’s game over. As long as we’re free, there’s still some chance we can find a way to turn things around.”

“I don’t like it any better than Rainbow does, but I understand,” Applejack spoke up. “But even if we did make a run for it, I don’t like our chances of gettin’ away from that.” Applejack pointed a hoof behind us, at the rapidly approaching swarm of pegasi. Looks like those guards we’d taken down and must have raised the alarm, or maybe the approaching Canterlot garrison had put out the word.

Great. Just great. We were trapped between an entire army and a physical goddess. Stars and Stones, talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

“We need a distraction,” Rainbow said dully. “It’s the only way any of us get away.”

“Good idea, but it’d take one doozy of a distraction.” I put my mind to the task. We’d have a much better chance of distracting Celestia and getting past her than we would her army. Godlike powers or not, she was still just one pony. As far as I knew, she couldn’t do anything like split into multiple copies of herself, so she could only be in one place at one time. If we could get her attention somewhere else for long enough, we could slip right by her.

That still left the question of what we should do to distract the princess. Taking a crack at freeing Luna seemed like our best bet. Celestia would definitely go after her sister if she got loose, and that would give us the perfect chance to slip by and make our getaway. Now I just needed to figure out how to undo the spells Celestia had holding Luna down. It looked like it was just a normal set of steel chains holding Luna down, but those physical chains were imbued with powerful binding spells.

If I had a couple minutes to work at them, I could probably find a way to undo them. It’d be sloppy and hamhanded, but it would work. Even in her current tired and worn down state, Luna should be able to hold out long enough for us to get away, and she might even manage to escape herself.

It was a long-shot; in all likelihood Luna would get caught again buying us time to get away, but she still had a better chance of getting away if I freed her than she would if I left her imprisoned in Celestia’s binding spells.

“Rainbow, how long do we have until that army’s on top of us?” Freeing Luna wouldn’t do us any good if we were neck deep in Celestia’s soldiers by the time I managed to pull it off. When several seconds of ominous silence greeted my question, I started worrying.

“Rainbow?” I turned around, half-expecting to find out that Celestia’s goons were already here, and had captured the lot of us. It’s been that kind of week.

Instead, I saw the five ponies were in the middle of a group hug. “Girls, this really isn’t a good time for…” I trailed off as my brain started putting the important clues together.

The fact that Rainbow Dash was at the center of the hug.

The way other four ponies seemed just as confused as I was about the sudden and totally out of place hug.

The unshed tears in Rainbow’s eyes.

“You guys are awesome friends,” Rainbow whispered throatily, her voice thick with emotion.

Oh hell no! Don’t tell me she was…

“I’ll catch up with you later.”

“Rainbow!” I tried to grab her with an ice spell, but the fastest flier in Equestria beat me to the punch, and all I hit was her rainbow trail. A moment later it was too late to stop her; all it would’ve accomplished was to drop her helpless to the ground right in front of Celestia.

It only took Rainbow Dash an instant to cross the space separating us from the princess, and she took up position right behind Celestia’s head. “Hey, behind you!” Celestia’s head whipped around in response to Rainbow’s cry, just in time for the princess to get bucked full-force in the face.

Celestia staggered from the sucker-punch, and I saw a thin trickle of blood and the beginnings of a black eye on the corrupted princess’ face. A blast of solar flame streaked towards the pegasus, but at the last second, Rainbow’s body glowed midnight blue as Luna managed to yank Rainbow clear of the attack with her own magic.

The blue glow lingered on Rainbow’s body as Celestia turned on her sister, and with a blinding blast of light her sister was no more, and there was beam of energy shooting towards the distant moon. A second later the moon dropped over the horizon, and the sun returned to the sky full-force.

Rainbow Dash, still glowing slightly from the aftereffects of Luna’s magic, took advantage of Celestia’s distraction to kick her in the back of the head. When the princess rounded on her in fury, Rainbow blew a raspberry at her. “Betcha can’t catch me!” A second later Rainbow was off, leaving a Sonic Rainboom in her wake. Celestia wasted no time following.

“Move it!” The ponies all hesitated to follow my order, there eyes lingering on Rainbow Dash’s rapidly fading rainbow trail. “Come on! She’s buying us time to get away, don’t let it go to waste!”

I would’ve stopped her if I could’ve, but it was too late for take-backs. Rainbow Dash had thrown herself onto the fire to give us a chance to get away. I’d be damned if I would let her sacrifice go to waste.

So we ran. The five of us as fast as we could. This wasn’t some sort of cautious, measured withdrawal, our minds had gone into instinctual fight-or-flight mode, and since fighting would’ve been suicide we opted for flight. Taking the time to think or plan or worry about the friend we’d left behind would’ve slowed us down, so we buried all those fears, and used that terror to push our legs to an even faster pace.

At first I could hear the sounds of the guards crashing through the trees behind us, which only served to add fuel to the fire, but a quick look over my shoulder showed the pegasi breaking off from the pursuit, presumably to go after the mad mare who’d kicked their ruler in the face. The sounds of ground pursuit slowly faded behind us as well; maybe they’d broken off to go after Rainbow Dash too, or maybe we just managed to outrun them.

I stumbled over a tree stump at one point, but somehow managed to turn my fall into a roll that ended up with me back on my hooves without losing too much of my momentum. From the look Rarity shot my way I think she might have used her telekinetic tricks to help me pull that little acrobatic stunt off, but I wasn’t about to slow down and waste time and breath asking her for confirmation.

I don’t know how long we all kept running; it could’ve been a couple minutes, or it could’ve been hours. All I know is that eventually, long after we’d gotten out of the woods and were almost to the outskirts of Ponyville itself, we all collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath.

“I think we lost them.” I got out between gasps

As soon as we had a few seconds to calm down from terrified animal flight and actually think, the ponies turned their thoughts to something they cared about more than their own personal safety. “Sure, we’re alright, but what about Dashie?” Pinkie Pie demanded, a sentiment the rest of the ponies were quick to echo. “Is Dashie okay?”

It took me a moment to rejigger my tracking spell since I’d been running it off Rainbow’s magical friendship bonds, but the same basic principle applied, and in a couple seconds I was using Pinkie Pie as my base instead. I focused in on her connection to Rainbow Dash, and I found … nothing.

Rainbow Dash wasn’t on Equestria. She hadn’t been sent to the moon. She hadn’t even gotten booted to the Outside. She was just … gone. There was only one thing that could give that particular result on a tracking spell.

“Is Dashie okay?” Pinkie asked again, the first hints of fear edging into her voice.

I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. As my mournful silence dragged on, the other ponies started putting it together.

“No,” Rarity gasped. “She wasn’t captured, was she? Did Celestia send her to the moon?”

“No,” I answered flatly. “It’s worse than that.”

“Worse than –” Applejack fell back onto her haunches, shock written on her face. “You don’t mean she’s…”

I nodded.

Fluttershy was the first one to start crying, but it only took a few seconds for the rest of us to join her.

The Aftermath

“I’m Rainbow Dash! The fastest, coolest, radicalest, and just plain bestest pegasus in all of Equestria! There’s no way I could ever die!”

“I’m so happy you’re alright, Dashie!” Pinkie cried out gleefully.

“Pinkie…” I tried to interrupt the conversation.

“Hey! Dashie and I are talking!” Pinkie snapped at me. “Sorry about that Dashie.” The party pony continued apologetically. “So what were you saying?”

“I was just saying that there’s no way I would ever die and leave you all by your lonesies Pinks. I’m way too cool to leave you alone; we’re going to be super-duper bestest of best friends forever.”

“Yeah, you’re my SDBOBFF too,” Pinkie chirped happily “We’re the bestest of best friends forever.”

“Pinkie Pie, darling,” Rarity cut in delicately.

“Excuse me!” Pinkie snarled at her friend. “I am trying to talk to Rainbow Dash! Could you gals just lemme alone for a couple minutes so we can talk without getting interrupted all the time!” An instant later she was right back her cheerful self. “Sorry about that Dashie, Rarity’s being a silly-willy stick her nose into other pony’s business-y pants.”

“Well that’s why Rarity’s not my super-duper bestest of best friends like you are Pinks. Sheesh, I can’t believe everypony else actually thought I was dead! At least you believed in me. You know I’d never do something like die and leave you all alone and sad with nopony to be your pranking buddy or eat too many sweets with you.”

“Yeah, you’d never leave me Dashie!”

Fluttershy broke down sobbing again. “Sheesh, what’s her problem Pinks? You think Fluttershy’d be happy to see me back.”

“Aw, Fluttershy’s just crying ‘cause she’s so happy you’re okay,” Pinkie Pie answered reassuringly. “All of us are just so happy you’re completely 100% A-OK! As soon as we get back to Sugarcube Corner, I’m gonna throw you the biggest, most funneriffic party ever!”

“Pinkie Pie!” Applejack was the first of us to finally snap. “For the love of pete, will ya stop playin’ with that doggone doll already!”

“Hey! Applebutt!” Pinkie Pie shoved the little Rainbow Dash figurine she’d somehow gotten her hooves on towards Applejack. “You can’t talk to Pinkie that way! She’s my super-duper bestest of best friends forever! No way I’m gonna let anypony be mean to her!” Pinkie was actually managing a decent approximation of Rainbow’s raspy tomboy voice, which sounded really weird coming from her.

Applejack let out of a snarl of frustration and made a grab for the doll, but Pinkie quickly yanked it away before Applejack’s teeth could get a firm grip on the toy. “Dang it, Pinkie!” Applejack stomped a hoof in frustration. “Rainbow Dash is dead, and you playin’ around with some toy an’ pretendin’ it’s her ain’t gonna change that!”

“NO!” Pinkie shrieked, covering her ears with her hooves. “Dashie’s not dead! She’s right here and she’s fine! You’re a LIAR and a BAD PONY Applejack! Just leave me and Dashie alone! You’re just jealous because she’s not your super-duper bestest of best friends forever, so you made up some stupid about how she’s dead so I’d stop being her friend and you could try to steal her from me! Well it’s not gonna work. Dashie and I are super-duper bestest of best friends forever, and nopony’s gonna take her away from me!”

Pinkie zipped over to me, and rooted through my saddlebags until she found the Applejack toy I’d snagged back when we were still on Earth in the hopes of taking the pony down with thaumaturgy. Guess it figures Nicky went and sent all the other ponies to universes where my best magical spells for quickly and painlessly disabling someone didn’t work.

A second later, Pinkie spoke in an approximation of Applejack’s country drawl. “I’m awful sorry I said all them mean things to ya Pinkie. Hope ya know I didn’t mean none of it. I sure am glad RD’s back now; I was powerful worried there for a bit. After all, I’m almost as good a friend to her as Pinkie is.”

“Alright, that does it!” The real Applejack clearly wasn’t in the mood to deal with Pinkie’s problems. “I don’t know about the rest of ya, but ain’t puttin’ up with this anymore! Pinkie Pie! You stop foolin’ around right now, or I can’t be held responsible for what I’ll do!”

“Applejack!” Rarity chastised her friend. “I know what Pinkie’s doing is rather upsetting, but you have understand that she’s not well, darling. This – this is just her way of trying to cope.”

“I reckon the best thing we can do to help her cope is to get her to stop playin’ around and face facts. All this pretendin’ ain’t right, and sure as hay ain’t healthy.”

“I don’t think that taking her toys away would be a very good idea right now, darling.”

“Rarity’s right on this one,” I agreed. “You saw how Pinkie reacted when you challenged her delusions; I don’t think trying to take away her toys is going to fix anything.” At best, Pinkie would just replace Rainbow Dash and anyone else who didn’t fit into her delusions with rocks or turnips instead of using toys. At worst, she would react violently to having the perfect world she was constructing for herself ripped away.

Fluttershy flew over to Pinkie and began gently running a hoof through the pink pony’s mane, as though all of Pinkie’s problems could be solved with a few kind words.

Pinkie responded by pulling out a purple unicorn toy and adding it to her rapidly growing collection. “I’m the smartiest smarty-pants of all smarty-pantses, and I can definitely say that after doing extensive research with my science-y magic, I have concluded that Rainbow Dash is definitely the coolest, awesomest, and most not-deadest pony ever.”

Pinkie Pie turned to Fluttershy, a disturbingly happy smile on her face. “Isn’t it great that Dashie’s A-OK, Fluttershy! This is the bestest best news in like, forever! Are you happy about this, ‘cause I’m just so happy I could explode! How happy are you? Are you explode-y happy too?”

A pained look crossed Fluttershy’s face, as she struggled to think of anything she could say in the face of Pinkie Pie’s madness.

Apparently she took too long, and after several seconds a Fluttershy toy came out to offer her opinion on this the matter. “Yay.” The real Fluttershy gave a barely perceptible flinch upon seeing that she’d been replaced, but still stayed at Pinkie’s side, trying to comfort the other pony despite being treated as if she didn’t even exist.

I sighed, and turned my back on the disturbing spectacle. Sad to say, Pinkie’s mind breaking wasn’t the only problem on our plate. “Applejack, Rarity, what do you think our next move should be?” The plans we’d come up with before had pretty much gone straight to hell.

“First thing we oughta do is head back to Sweet Apple Acres,” the farmer declared. “Make sure our kin and everypony else there’s alright.”

“Yes, not to mention that we are rather exposed out here,” Rarity agreed. “If any of Celestia’s guards should happen to pass by…”

“Agreed. We head back to base.” If any of Luna’s people had gotten away from Celestia, we’d be able to link up with them back at her HQ. In our current state, we needed every bit of help we could get. The five us couldn’t really do much on our own.

That said, getting anywhere did have one big potential complication. “Pinkie, don’t suppose you and Rainbow Dash and everyone else would be willing to come along with us?” A part of me was pretty sure that playing along with her belief that her little doll was the real Rainbow Dash wasn’t doing Pinkie’s mental health any favors, but we could deal with fixing any psychological damage after all of us got out of the open and into a safe location. Celestia’s forces obviously weren’t pulling any punches, and crazy is easier to fix than dead.

Pinkie frowned thoughtfully for a moment, then picked up the Rainbow Dash toy and hugged it to herself. After a few seconds of this, she reached behind her back and pulled out another pony toy.

A toy pony version of me.

I suppose I shouldn’t have been shocked by yet another casual display of her utter contempt for the laws of physics and sanity, but I was. “Hey Rainbow Dash.” For a brief moment, I was tempted to ask someone saner if my voice really sounded like Pinkie’s impersonation of me. “I just thought I should say that I’m glad you’re alright. After all, it was my job to keep you and everypony else safe, so if you’d gotten hurt it would totally be my fault.”

Okay. That hurt. A lot.

It was true after all. It had been my job to keep these ponies safe, and so far, I’d gotten Twilight sent to the moon, Rainbow killed, and Pinkie Pie psychologically broken. Nicodemus and Discord had always been a step ahead of me. Hell’s bells, even the corrupted ponies had kicked my ass. I’d led them straight into a trap in Canterlot, and as soon as we got out of that trap by the skin of our teeth, we’d gone straight into a no-win situation. Stuck between an unstoppable force and an immovable object, and I couldn’t find a solution in time.

In hindsight, I couldn’t help but think that there should’ve been some way out of that mess. Maybe we could’ve tried a jump to the Outside. In the heat of the moment, I’d defaulted to the three-dimensional thinking that I’d been using for most of my life. Put a person under a bunch of stress in a high-pressure low time situation, and they’ll usually default to their normal patterns of thinking.

Then again, since Celestia knew about the Outside, she might’ve had some sort of nasty surprise up her sleeve if we’d tried that. After all, she’d blocked her palace from the Outside, and she knew Pinkie Pie was capable of traveling through the Outside and hostile to her.

Still, I’d been so rushed that it hadn’t even occurred to me to try. I’d dropped the ball, big time. There had to have been a better way to handle that situation. Hell’s bells, if nothing else, it should’ve been me that ran out and distracted Celestia instead. I’m a lot more expendable than one of the ponies who could use an Element of Harmony.

If I hadn’t led them straight to Celestia, Rainbow Dash wouldn’t have died.

If I’d been able to find a way out in time, Rainbow Dash wouldn’t have died.

If I’d been able to stop her from sacrificing herself, Rainbow Dash wouldn’t have died.

If I hadn’t failed, Rainbow Dash wouldn’t have died.

I reached out, and placed a single hoof on top of Pinkie’s head. She didn’t react to the touch at all – she was lost in her own world, and I don’t know if I was ever going to be able to pull her out of it. “I’m sorry.” I don’t know if she even heard me, but it needed to be said.

I turned to the other ponies, and repeated my apology. “I’m sorry. I’ve failed you. All of you.” Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity all opened their mouths to dispute the claim, but I cut them off with a single upraised hoof. “I was in the driver’s seat. You guys followed my lead, and I led you to a place that got us beat bad. I know none of you blame me for it or hold it against me, but that’s how it is.”

I sighed, took a deep breath, and tried to let go of my guilt. It wasn’t going to do me, them, or anyone else any good right now. I didn’t have time to blame myself for everything that had gone wrong; Earth and Equestria both couldn’t afford to let me waste days wallowing in self-recrimination. “I messed up. So, from now on I’ll just have to do better.”

I turned to the farmpony. “Applejack, you carried Rainbow here, you can get Pinkie back to base, right?” The farmpony nodded, and I turned to Pinkie Pie, still playing with her substitute friends and happily oblivious to the world around her.

“Dormius.” It wasn’t one of my stronger spells. After all, forcing someone to go to sleep against their will was close enough to mind magic to make the Council and their Wardens get into a head-chopping mood. A gentle suggestion, on the other hand, fell into one of the generally accepted grey areas. That kind of spell was useless against, say, a full-fledged demon-pony pumped full of adrenaline, but it was more than strong enough to nudge a physically exhausted and psychologically shattered pony into a deep sleep.

Within moments, Pinkie Pie was snoring away, as close to peaceful as she could be. I know that spell puts people into a deep, dreamless sleep, but I still hoped that maybe this time it would work a bit differently. If anyone deserved pleasant dreams, it was Pinkie.

Between the two of us Rarity and I managed to levitate Pinkie up onto Applejack’s back in a reasonably solid position. Applejack gave a grunt and sagged down a bit when we finally released the sleeping pony, but she bore Pinkie’s weight without complaint.

Even with Applejack slowed down by carrying Pinkie, we still made pretty good time. I was tempted to offer to take a turn at carrying the sleeping party pony to give Applejack a break, but I suspect that might have set off her proud and stubborn streak. At least the brief return of night to Equestria had managed to cool the ambient temperature down from blazing inferno to just unseasonably warm; if we’d been stuck making the rest of the trip back to the apple cellar-slash-underground resistance headquarters in the same heat we’d had to deal with during the journey to Canterlot, we might not have had enough gas left in our tanks to make it.

Losing Rainbow had everybody hurting. At heart, most of them were peaceful creatures that just weren’t built for this kind of situation. That’s not to say that they weren’t rising to the occasion and giving it their all, but these ponies were horribly out of their element. They were scared. They’d have to be crazy not to be.

I guess that meant Rainbow was crazy, but it had been a kind of crazy we’d needed. Well, that’s not entirely right: Rainbow was plenty scared, it’s just she buried all that fear under a thick layer of bravado and seemingly endless self-confidence.

That had been enough for the ponies, though. Fear is one of those emotions that’s easily influenced by the people around you. If you look around and see that everyone else is scared, you’ll start getting scared too. It’s pure instinct; your animal brain is going to start screaming that anything bad enough to scare everyone else is something that you should be scared of too. That’s why a huge chunk of combat training is about controlling fear – if one person starts panicking, it makes everyone else around them more likely to start panicking too. Just look at how any large group of people can transform into a terrified mob in the space of a couple seconds.

But bravery can work exactly the same way. If one person stands up against the bad guys and says they’re not so tough, then it gets easier for everyone else to find their courage. That’s what Rainbow Dash had done for us. More than any of us, she’d believed that we were going to win this, that we would all get out of this in one piece and get a happy ending. She believed it so hard that the rest of us had started to believe it too.

And now she was dead.

Everyone stepped a little heavier now. It was harder to keep pushing on. The belief that as bad things were there was a light at the end of the tunnel had kept us going through hell and high water. Losing Rainbow Dash shook that, and without it we had nothing. It’s hard to keep fighting when you’re up against impossible odds with no real hope of victory.

When we finally got back to apple cellar, we had a little three filly welcoming committee waiting for us. Cutie Mark Crusader Freedom Fighters. Yay.

Seeing Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle run up to get hugs from their big sisters was enough to bring a smile to my face. The kids obviously didn’t entirely get what was going on. Sure, they were old enough to understand the situation, but they didn’t get the real severity of it all, how quickly their lives might fall apart. To the kids, all of this was more like a fun vacation or an exciting adventure than a threat to everything they knew and loved. And if that thought wasn’t enough to be a mood-killer, Scootaloo asked the one question I’d been dreading.

“Where’s Rainbow Dash?”

The pegasus filly was jumping around, as if she could find our missing companion hiding behind one of us or just lingering outside, waiting to make a dramatic entrance.

The four adults shared an uncomfortable look; none of us wanted to be the one to have to give anyone the bad news, especially not a young kid who idolized Rainbow Dash.

“Um –“ Fluttershy began hesitantly. “Scootaloo – you see – Rainbow Dash –“

“She told us she’d catch up with us later.” I cut Fluttershy off. Technically it wasn’t a lie; Rainbow Dash’s last words had been an empty promise that she’d be right behind us. We would have to tell Sootaloo and everyone else the truth eventually, but not here, and not now. The kid would need someone to help her deal with the grief – all three of the Crusaders would. Right now, none of us were in any condition to offer much comfort.

“Oh. Alright.” Scootaloo bought the semi-lie hook line and sinker, and only looked slightly disappointed by the absence of her idol.

“Why’s Pinkie Pie sleepin’?” Apple Bloom asked curiously. “And where’s everypony else? Big Mac said he and the princess and just about everypony else were goin’ out to help y’all fix everthin’.”

“Yeah, there’s nopony left here aside from kids except Miss Cheerilee and some of the older ponies.” Sweetie Belle chimed in. “Well, the ‘Great and Powerful’ Trixie’s still here too,” the unicorn filly added, a hint of annoyance in her voice. “She’s been doing one of her shows ever since everypony else left, and it’s getting kinda boring. Can we go outside yet?”

“Nope.” Applejack declared, breaking out the older sibling authority. “Y’all go on back inside now, and don’t cause no trouble for Miss Cheerilee.” The fillies sighed, and reluctantly did as they were told.

Once the younglings were safely out of earshot, and we got Pinkie Pie into one of the many empty beds in the now virtually abandoned base, I spoke my thoughts on our situation. “So all we’ve got is kids, the old folks, and a schoolmarm. Looks like Luna gambled everything on us.” It made sense. If we didn’t beat Celestia, leaving a couple guards to watch over the civilians wouldn’t make any difference, but every extra pony for her offensive gave her a better chance of winning. Without the Elements there was no way to win, so making a contingency plan for failure was pointless. If we failed, the war was lost.

Logical, but now that everything had gone to hell in a handbasket I kind of wish she’d gone for a different strategy that left us more to work with. As it stood, the combat capacity of the free ponies of Equestria consisted of me, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy. Not much to take up against Celestia’s Royal Guards, much less the sun princess herself.

Obviously, any sort of conventional resistance was out, which really only left us with one option. “Don’t suppose you guys know any other ponies who might be able to use the Elements of Magic or Loyalty?”

Rarity let out a horrified gasp. “How can you talk about replacing Rainbow and Twilight like that?”

“Gotta be done.” Applejack always was a very practical pony. “Unless you got some other way of pullin’ it off, we gotta use the Elements to fix everythin’. Don’t think Twilight or Rainbow’d want us lettin’ Equestria go bad just ‘cause we didn’t feel happy about lettin’ somepony else use their Elements.”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right,” Rarity agreed. “It does seem wrong though, to talk about it all so soon after poor Rainbow Dash …” The unicorn sighed. “I suppose it can’t be helped though. We can hardly afford to take the time for a proper period of mourning when there’s so much left to do.”

I reluctantly nodded my agreement. It would probably be a good idea to keep a weather eye out for a new Element of Laughter too, but I didn’t want to say that just yet. There was no reason to believe Pinkie wouldn’t recover from her breakdown, but prudence dictated preparing for the possibility that she might not get to a psychologically healthy place in time to deal with our rather pressing issues. Maybe she would snap out of it once the shock of Rainbow’s death wore off, but if she didn’t we couldn’t afford to wait for her to go through months of psychotherapy. The ponies were having a hard enough time accepting the loss of one friend. This was hardly the time to point out that Pinkie might be effectively lost to them for the foreseeable future as well.

“We don’t exactly got a lot of choices for new ponies to use the Elements.” Applejack began the discussion. “Don’t reckon any of the young’uns would be up for it. S’pose we could try Granny Smith or Cheerilee for Loyalty, but I ain’t sure how good either of them’d be. Maybe Derpy too, if she ain’t gone fer good.”

I offered up a suggestion I knew wasn’t going to be very popular, “I guess we’re stuck with Trixie for Magic.” Trixie hardly struck me as an ideal choice for a pony to wield a chunk of weaponized friendship, but we weren’t exactly drowning in magically inclined ponies.

Rarity and Applejack looked appropriately skeptical at the suggestion. Neither of them was all that fond of the showpony, and for good reason. However, it was Fluttershy who spoke up first. “Um, excuse me, but I think you’re overlooking somepony who would be a much better choice for using the Element of Magic.” I frowned in thought and tried to figure out who she might be talking about. After several seconds of silence, Fluttershy took mercy on poor confused me and provided the answer. “I think you could use it Harry. Um, if you don’t mind, that is.”

Oh. Huh. Well, that idea certainly hadn’t occurred to me.

Applejack and Rarity seemed to approve of the idea of me taking up one the Elements. “Sure as hay beats the pants offa tryin’ to bring Trixie in.”

“Yes, you would be a far better choice, Harry,” Rarity agreed.

I suppose me taking a crack at using the Element of Magic made sense. After all, I was a wizard, and the pentacle that served as my pony butt-mark was a symbol of magic. On the other hand… “I’m not a pony. Not really. There’s no guarantee I can even use one of the Elements of Harmony.” Not to mention the fact that I was a pretty far cry from a paragon of sweetness and light.

“Ain’t like we got a lot to lose by tryin’,” Applejack countered.

I couldn’t really argue with her there. There were plenty of reasons it might not work, but we’d been backed far enough into a corner that we didn’t have any winning plays which weren’t one-in-a-million longshots. “If we can actually get our hands on the Elements, it’s worth a try.”

I considered the matter for a few long seconds and came to a conclusion I didn’t like. Unless we could find some way to get the Elements and we had the ponies to use them, I’m going to have to do some desperate things pretty soon. Discord was probably on his way to Earth now – hell, with how long it had been since we ran into him in the Outside, he’d probably been there a while already. If we go bust in Equestria, it might be that the only thing I can do is head back to my world and get enough people together to beat him and Nicodemus the old-fashioned way.

I didn’t even want to attempt to think about how much collateral damage that kind of fight would cause, but it was a pretty safe bet that Discord would eventually do enough damage to the status quo that I could put together an alliance to stop him. Random chaos, death, and destruction isn’t in the interest of most of the Powers-That-Be.

It wasn’t exactly an optimistic scenario. A lot of people would probably have to die before the big movers and shakers realized that the only way to keep him from destroying everything was all-out war, and more people would die in the process of actually trying to beat him. The White Council had dealt with creatures that were seriously bad news before, but only after a lot of hard fighting and a heavy butcher’s bill. A bloody victory might be our only real hope at this point.

Well, I guess plundering the Outside for weapons to use against Discord and Nicky was always an option. There was probably even a way to bring Rainbow Dash back. Only problem was that finding any of them would take time, especially with Pinkie Pie out of commission.

Unless I start messing around with time travel too, time was something I didn’t have much of. Knowing my luck, if I tried time traveling I’d end up doing something like interfering in Mom and Dad’s first meeting, and somehow having my mom get an exceedingly awkward crush on me in the bargain, and thus erasing myself from existence in a universe-destroying paradox. It’s a known hazard of time travel.

“I might have to go back to Earth, and deal with Discord and Nicky there. If that happens, I won’t leave until we get you guys and the kids settled somewhere safe,” I promised the ponies. They’d already suffered enough in this war; the least I could do was make sure that they’d be able to sit the rest of it out, and try to move the worst of the fighting away from Equestria.

“This base won’t work anymore,” I continued. “Odds are Celestia’s forces had captured some of Luna’s soldiers and managed to get info about this base. Even if nobody talked, Celestia’s going to send people to check out all of your homes, so we’re not secure here. We’ll need to relocate. Somewhere secret and safe.”

“Maybe move into the Everfree?” Applejack reluctantly suggested. “Between how thick the forest is and all the critters, Celestia’d have a time findin’ us, and I imagine ‘tween Zecora, Fluttershy, and the rest of us we could hammer out some way of makin’ a chunk of it livable enough to keep us goin’ for a bit.”

A monster-infested forest didn’t strike me as a great place to put a bunch of kids and old folks, but beggars can’t be choosers. Probably our only other option was to leave Equestria entirely, and even if I could manage to hold together that big of a group in the Outside, the only places I really knew how to get to weren’t exactly safe for a bunch of ponies either. “Alright. If we can’t find a way to get and use the Elements by the time we get set up in the Everfree, I’ll head back to Earth. I promise you, as soon as I’m done with Discord and Nicodemus, I’ll come back here with every bit of help I can beg, borrow, and steal. I’m not about to leave you guys twisting in the wind.”

It all sounded nice in theory, but the odds that I would survive a head-to-head fight with Discord weren’t all that great. Even if I did make it out in one piece, most everyone else who went into the fight wouldn’t. My odds of convincing anyone to save a bunch of cartoon ponies after they’d just burned up 95% of their resources dealing with Discord weren’t all that great. Not that a little detail like that would stop me from trying anyway.

The ponies didn’t look all that hopeful. I couldn’t blame them for feeling a bit pessimistic about our chances. “I know it looks bad. I know it doesn’t look like there’s any way we’re going to win this. We’re close to gone.” I felt a spark of determination in my chest. “But we haven’t lost yet. Long as we’re still alive, we can keep fighting, and as long as we keep fighting we can still win this thing. I’m not giving up on Equestria or Earth. Not now, not ever. Discord doesn’t get to win. Nicodemus doesn’t get to win. I don’t care how long it takes, how hard we have to fight, or what it costs me, I’m staying in this thing until we win it.”

Nopony Messes with a Mama Bear

“Keep everyone moving, we need to get to the forest as fast as possible.”

As the last of the noncombatants filed out of Luna’s underground lair, I couldn’t help but think that there was going to be a huge gap between the speed I would like to have everyone going at and the speed we were likely to actually hit. Children and the elderly aren’t exactly known for walking long distances in a quick and organized manner.

That was going to be a problem, but one we just had to deal with. Considering the fact that everything indicated that Luna’s army was gone, we had to proceed on the assumption that someone had been captured and talked about the base. The longer we delayed, the worse our chances were of getting away in time.

Making a break for it came with its own set of risks, though. We should be able to cut through the apple orchards to avoid spending too much time out in the open, but if Celestia’s guards were out in force looking for us – and they almost certainly were – our odds of hiding this many ponies weren’t exactly great. The orchards of Sweet Apple Acres had trees placed to optimize apple yields and make harvesting easier, not to hide a large group of ponies from aerial patrols.

The return of 24/7 sunlight didn’t help anything; sneaking around in broad daylight was an extra complication we really didn’t need, not to mention that things were already getting uncomfortably warm even in the shade. The heat wasn’t going to do the older ponies any favors.

As Applejack’s grandmother slowly walked up the stairs, I turned to the pony we’d put in charge of managing the refugees. “Is that everyone, Cheerilee?”

The schoolteacher gave the couple dozen ponies under her care one last look-over, and nodded. “Yes, that’s everypony.” The schoolmarm trotted along with her charges, somehow managing to sound cheerful and upbeat despite everything. I guess when it came to keeping order among a group of scared and confused refugees, we could do worse than a having teacher used to dealing with a bunch of unruly children. Most of the refugees were kids anyway, and a lot of them had probably been her students back before the world went crazy.

Speaking of going crazy, we’d rigged up a basic litter that allowed Applejack to carry Pinkie around with less trouble than keeping the pink pony draped across her back. Pinkie was still in her magically-induced coma, and I didn’t plan on waking her up until we’d gotten to a reasonably secure base in the Everfree Forest. Just leaving her knocked out sat wrong with me, but the alternative was to have a mentally unstable mare in the middle of an extremely hazardous operation where stealth and secrecy were of the utmost importance. She’d already proven unwilling to keep moving with the group last time we had her awake, and there was no telling what might happen in a high-stress situation. Having her conscious introduced too much of an unstable element to the entire situation. It was safer for everyone this way.

The refugee column moved from the entrance of the cellar to the partial cover of Applejack’s orchard. Even getting everyone across that short distance took longer than I would have liked. Worse than that, the mood of the group had started getting dangerous the instant we moved out into the open.

The ponies were scared.

I didn’t blame them for being frightened. We hadn’t told anyone except for Cheerilee just how bad things had gotten, but it didn’t take a genius to put two and two together once they noticed that the sun was back up, Luna and her army had not returned, and we were running like hell from our secure base to a dangerous wilderness area. Our disorderly group of refugees was just one or two little setbacks removed from turning into a terrified mob.

I really wished Pinkie was in better shape; she would’ve been the perfect pony to lift everyone’s spirits after things went south. I think we might’ve been able to handle just losing Rainbow Dash if we still had Pinkie in good enough condition to carry on, but the one-two punch of Rainbow’s death and Pinkie’s breakdown had us all hurting. We weren’t giving up, we were never going to give up, but we sure could use something to give us a little bit of hope for the future.

“Hey, we wanna talk to you!” I turned, and saw that I’d somehow attracted the attention of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “Applejack told me yer name is Harry Dresden, right?” I still wasn’t quite used to the way most of the ponies addressed me by first and last name. I guess it made sense; ponies don’t seem to have first and last names in the way that humans do, and a lot of them only have one name at all. The whole idea of personal name and family name didn’t seem to be there.

“Yeah, that’s me. So, what I can I do for you girls?”

“Where’s Rainbow Dash?” Scootaloo demanded.

“Why hasn’t mah big brother come back yet?” Apple Bloom added.

“Why’s Pinkie Pie still asleep?” Sweetie Belle chimed in.

“Applejack told us you’re really some sort of wizard that got himself turned into a pony. Why’d you get turned into a pony?”

“If you’re not really pony how come you’ve got a Cutie Mark? I thought only ponies had those.”

“Hey, can you help us get our Cutie Marks?”

“What’s your special talent?”

“If he’s not a pony then he probably doesn’t have a special talent.”

“That’s stupid Scootaloo! Everypony has a special talent!”

“But he ain’t a pony.”

Thankfully, Cheerilee came to rescue me from the trio of overly curious children. “Slow down there, girls.” I swear, managing to sound happy and light-hearted in even the direst of circumstances must be some sort of secret teacher skill. It was doing a lot to help keep the kids under control, though; a scared teacher would’ve made all the kids frightened too. “Maybe you should actually give him a chance to answer the questions you’ve already asked before you bring up any more.”

“Yes, Miss Cheerilee.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders obediently silenced themselves, but judging by the expectant looks I was getting from all three of them, that silence was contingent upon me giving them some answers in the near future. Best to get started with the less hazardous questions. Hopefully, by the time I was done answering the easy questions the fillies would have forgotten about the ones where I’d have to lie. If that didn’t work, I would have either toss out a few little white lies or suck it up and find some way to tell them the truth in a way that wouldn’t traumatize the girls.

“Well, Applejack’s right that I’m not a pony, not originally. I’m actually a human.”

“Oh, I’ve heard of those!” Sweetie Belle enthusiastically cried out. “Lyra told me all about them one day. Do you really have hams instead of hooves? Because that sounds like it would be really weird.”

“Hands, not hams,” I gently corrected.

“Oh, that makes much more sense,” Sweetie Belle declared.

“Yes, it does.” Have to say, the mental image of me running around with a pair of live pigs on the ends of my arms made for an amusing picture. It gave an entirely new meaning to being ham-handed. “Anyway, I came to Equestria because Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and their friends needed some help to–”

Applejack trotted up and nudged me in the side, cutting off the rest of my explanation. “Harry,” the apple farmer whispered to me, “we got trouble.” Applejack twitched her head skyward, and I followed her gaze. With the sun blazing almost directly into my eyes, it took me a few seconds to spot what she wanted me to see, a trio of winged figures. They were far enough away that I couldn’t be sure if we were dealing with birds or pegasi, but with the way that my luck had been running lately, I wasn’t in the mood to take a chance.

Unfortunately for all of us, someone else spotted the possible incoming pegasi before I could start quietly passing word of the problem. Just to make things worse, it was a certain orange filly who’d been eagerly awaiting the return of her idol. “Hey, Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo cried out at the distant pegasi. “We’re over here!”

Aw crap. I had a distant hope that Scootaloo’s voice hadn’t carried over to the pegasi on aerial patrol, but a few seconds later I saw the trio of flyers begin banking around to make a pass over us. Double crap.

“Hayseeds,” Applejack agreed with my unspoken sentiments. “Everypony! We got flyers comin’ in, and they don’t look friendly! Get yourselves hidden, now!”

For the record, telling a bunch of already scared kids and old folks that there are bad guys coming and they need to hide is not a good way to prevent a panic. Within moment, we had a pony stampede on our hooves as everyone tried to flee the approaching pegasi. If we’d had a better adult-kid ratio we might’ve been able to keep things under control, but what adults we did have were too old to keep up with a bunch of panicked kids scrambling all over the place. Cheerilee did the best she could, but no single mare can rein in that many younglings by herself.

I did the best I could to help, but I don’t have much in the way of experience with kids; the only ones I’ve spent any time around were Michael’s kids, and they were far more disciplined and well-behaved than this wild bunch of frightened fillies and colts. Me being a relative stranger probably didn’t help either. Applejack couldn’t do much while she was still loaded down with Pinkie Pie, and Rarity had her hands full just trying to keep the Crusaders in line. Fluttershy wasn’t in any condition to curtail the panic – if anything, she seemed to be only moments away from joining in on it herself.

With most of the ponies fleeing at the sight of the oncoming guards, we didn’t have any choice but to follow along with the herd. At least that was one advantage of dealing with panicking ponies instead of humans: all those herd instincts meant that everyone was still more or less sticking together instead of scattering. If every pony had run off in a different direction, keeping track of the group would’ve been impossible, and the guards could’ve started picking us off one by one.

Then again, staying in a single large group made it that much easier for the bad guys to keep track of us, so I guess all those herd instincts were a bit of a double-edged sword. Unless Celestia’s goons were a lot dumber than they’d been so far, they probably had some way of getting an ‘enemy spotted at location XYZ’ message out. Between the remaining Element-bearers, the rest of the refugees, and myself we could probably handle a trio of guards, but odds were there would be a lot more than three guards coming after us.

The stampede continued on for several minutes, until the frightened ponies were firmly in the depths of Applejack’s orchard. Once the pursuing pegasi were out of sight, our ragtag herd started to calm down a bit. We eventually went from a frightened gallop to a nervous canter, and after taking a couple deep breaths, I addressed the ponies. “Alright, we all had a pretty big scare there, but if we stay calm and–“

“Rebel forces!” A booming voice from the heavens cut me off. “In the name of Princess Celestia, we demand your surrender!”

Needless to say, that put an end to any hopes of the ponies staying calm and not panicking. Soon we were all running along in the midst of another frightened stampede. Whenever the ponies started to calm down or feel like we’d managed to shake our pursuers, another one of Celestia’s guards would start yelling for us surrender, or the ponies would spot a patrol somewhere along our line of retreat. From there it was straight back into panic mode all over again.

Applejack figured it out almost as quickly as I did. “Shoot! They’re leadin’ us around by the nose like we’re a buncha cows!” I guess a farmer and rancher would recognize herding tactics when she sees them. It was an old classic: spook your opponent into going exactly where you wanted them to go – in our case, likely into some sort of ambush.

The hell of it was, figuring out what the bad guys were up wasn’t going to do us any good. Pretty much all of the kids and old folks had already gone to the flight part of the old fight-or-flight instinct, and the guards were keeping the pressure on us hard enough that getting everyone to settle down and think for a minute wasn’t going to work. “No choice but to ride it out and wait for an opening,” I yelled over to Applejack.

Well, I guess I could’ve tried something like walls of fire to counter-herd the ponies, but slinging that much power around every time the guards tried to turn us around was likely to burn me out before we got to the Everfree Forest. That would leave us in just as bad of a situation as we were already in, but with me tapped out on top of it. Better to run into the bad guys while we were still in fighting condition. With any luck, we might be able to find an opening and bust through their lines.

The odds of smashing through the guards trying to catch us weren’t as bad as you might think. Well, unless Celestia herself was part of the chase, in which case we might as well stick our heads between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye right now. However, with the exception of Celestia there wasn’t anyone in Equestria who could stand up to me in a straight fight. Twilight was in my weight class and Luna was leagues above it, but they were both on the moon. From what I’d seen of the royal guards, they were potent but not in my weight class. That said, most of the ponies seemed to be pretty limited in what they could do magically. There certainly hadn’t been any unicorn guards blasting away with fire and lightning when we invaded the palace. Even with the magic they did have, the only time I’d ever seen a pony with anything like a killer instict was when I’d run into the demon-ponies. There are plenty of ways to be deadly with a fairly innocuous spell if you’re creative enough, but most cartoon ponies just wouldn’t even think about how to turn their talents lethal.

Not to mention that Equestria had never seen what happened when I cut loose. I still wasn’t exactly comfortable with the idea of going all-out against ponies that were mind-controlled or else being lied to, but after what happened to Rainbow Dash it was clear we couldn’t win this if we kept the kid gloves on. I’d already lost one of the girls, two if you count Twilight, and three if you add Pinkie to the list. It was past time I drew the line in the sand.

It wasn’t the guards’ fault they were on the wrong side of things, and it wasn’t right that some of them could end up severely injured or worse by the time this was over. However, life isn’t fair. I wasn’t going to go on a psycho killing spree or anything, but I wasn’t going to accomplish much if I kept going into every fight with one hand tied behind my back. It’s hard to win a fight when you have to worry about not hurting the other guy. There were innocents – kids especially – and the rest of the Element-bearers counting on me to keep them safe. I’d let them down once before, and Rainbow Dash had paid the price. It wasn’t happening again.

After being herded about for another minute or so, we broke out of the orchards and into an open field. The edge of the Everfree Forest was only a couple hundred yards away, and there wasn’t a single guard blocking our path to the relative safety of the dark, dangerous forest. Well, ‘safe’ wasn’t the right word to describe the Everfree, but vague and possible future danger was a lot better than clear and present current danger. For a moment, I thought we might actually get out of this without a fight, that the guards had messed up and given us an opening.

Sure, it wasn’t likely, but I’ve never quite gotten over my occasional bouts of optimism.

We were about halfway across the field when a barrier of pinkish-purple energy sprang up between the forest and us. The leading couple of ponies ran into it, and bounced off it as if they’d hit a brick wall. The crowd tried to find a way around but the barrier turned out to be near-perfect sphere surrounding all of us. The bottom edge of the sphere stopped at the ground, but I’m pretty sure that if we’d tried digging down we’d find the rest of the barrier soon enough.

So much for optimism.

A quick scan of the area revealed a bunch of pegasi closing in, and more ominously several pegasus-drawn aerial chariots. Judging by the all-too-familiar barriers that were popping up, I was willing to bet that one of those chariots was carrying our good old buddy Shining Armor. Guess it figures that the Captain of the Guard, who probably has a very intense personal grudge against all of us after we took his sweetheart hostage, would be in charge of chasing us down.

I stepped forward and took a crack at busting through the barrier, and barely made a dent in it. So much for my whole spiel about there not being a single pony aside from Celestia that could offer me a serious challenge.

I’d fallen into one those classic bits of wizard arrogance the White Council was infamous for among the supernatural community. See, the White Council is a pretty exclusive club: to be a full-fledged wizard, you have to have some serious magical muscle and enough raw talent to be at least basically proficient in most branches of magic.

Wearing a bathrobe and having a long, flowing beard didn’t hurt either – image, and all that.

Their versatility is one of the things that makes a proper member of the Council scary: they’ve got dozens of different ways they can completely ruin someone’s day, from the direct approach of tossing around fireballs to more esoteric stuff like thaumaturgy, pulling creatures out of the Nevernever, or even dropping an old Soviet satellite onto your house.

Thing is, there are plenty of folks with magical talent who don’t make the cut to be part of the White Council. A lot of them, much like a lot of the ponies, only seemed to have a very narrow bit of magical ability, like the Alphas’ being able to turn into wolves or Mortimer Lindquist’s ectomancy. As far as the Council was concerned, those kinds of minor talents didn’t qualify anyone as a wizard, or even a very significant threat.

A pretty big chunk of the Council has their heads permanently stuck up their own rectums. Sure, most of those minor talents couldn’t come close to matching a wizard’s mastery of magic in all its forms, but they tended to get really, really good at the one or two bits of magic they did know. Contrary to what the popular saying claimed, when all you have is a hammer, it usually means you start getting extremely skilled at using a hammer and find all sorts of creative ways to use it.

Sure, Shining Armor couldn’t manage a tracking spell or smack his enemies around with fire, lightning, ice, and force. He didn’t know a lick of thaumaturgy and probably didn’t have a clue about mind magic or the summoning and binding of creatures from other realms, let alone have the ability to travel to those realms himself. All he could do was throw up a couple variations on a single barrier spell. However, it was one hell of a barrier spell.

That’s not to say I couldn’t break it. Pretty much every type of magical barrier has some sort of weak point; it’s just a matter of finding out where and how to hit it. Too bad that right now I didn’t really have the time to study and experiment. There was always the brute force approach, but trying to bull through a problem with raw power is never a very effective solution. Against a focused spellcaster like Shining Armor, the last thing you want to do is get into a slugging match with him in his one area of specialization.

It was going out on a limb, but odds were Shining Armor’s barrier worked both ways. A barrier that blocked us from getting out would also block Shining Armor’s people from getting in – or at least, that’s how barrier magic worked in my neck of the woods. Equestria being a different dimension and all, his barrier magic might not follow the rules of magic I took for granted. Still, if he had to open up a hole in his own barrier to fight us, that would pretty much be the perfect time to try a counter-attack. We weren’t any worse off than we were before if he didn’t give us an opening, so we might as well wait and see.

Shining Armor, accompanied by five other chariot-bound unicorns and about two dozen pegasi, gathered together outside the barrier, placing themselves between the Everfree Forest and us. Cheerilee shuffled her the ponies under her care to the opposite end of the barrier while I stepped up to edge facing the guards. Applejack joined me after leaving the unconscious Pinkie Pie behind with Cheerilee’s other charges; Rarity and a reluctant but determined Fluttershy stepped up next to me a moment later. I was a bit surprised when Trixie joined us, but right now I wasn’t going to turn down any help we could get. Even with Trixie, we were outnumbered six-to-one.

“Surrender, servants of Nightmare Moon,” Shining Armor demanded. “You cannot hope to prevail against such impossible odds.”

“I’ve tangled with a lot worse than you and lived to tell the tale, and you had a lot more guards than this back at the Palace,” I shot right back. “I think I’ll take my chances.” Sure, we hadn’t so much won that fight as gotten out of a battle we were in the process of losing by taking a princess hostage, but why quibble over the details?

I dropped my voice to a menacing snarl, spreading my attention across Shining Armor and the guardponies he had with him. “Think real hard, before you back me into a corner. I don’t want to see anybody get killed, but push me hard enough and you’re not going to like what happens next. Trust me, even if me and mine don’t end up winning, you’ll know you’ve been in one hell of a fight by the time we’re done.”

“Perhaps you’re right,” Shining Armor agreed, sounding amicable enough that alarm bells started going off in my head. In my experience, when the bad guys start sounding friendly, it’s almost always a sign that they’re about to hit you with something big and nasty. I got ready to smash my way through the barrier, in case he was about to try something like crunching the barrier around us like a big trash compactor.

I spotted Shining’s horn glowing, but I couldn’t see any sign of what he was about to hit us with. The barrier he’d tossed up around us wasn’t changing in any way I could see, and I couldn’t see any hint of a spell targeting me or the other four ponies who’d stepped up to the fight. Wait, if he wasn’t targeting any of the fighters, then that could only mean–

I figured it out just in time to spot a pink earth pony filly with a telekinetic gag over her mouth getting yanked out of a small hole in the barrier wall by Shining Armor’s magical grasp. I tried to pull her back, but my command of unicorn telekinesis was way too shaky to stand up to someone with Shining Armor’s experience. As soon as the filly was completely outside of the barrier, Shining Armor snapped it shut and what little I could do to stop him got cut off. The brief struggle with Shining Armor had gotten the attention of the rest of the ponies, but it was too late for them to do anything but shout in outrage.

“Why so surprised?” Shining Armor gave me a nasty little grin as he brought the filly up next to him and leveled the point of a dagger at her throat. “Turnabout is fair play, after all.”

The cold voice of pragmatism told me not to go along with his demands. The fate of the entire multiverse was potentially at stake here, after all. If we surrendered here, the bad guys would win and that little filly would end up dead anyway, and she’d have no shortage of company by the time everything was said and done. Better to sacrifice one life now than to let billions die later. Besides, that dark little corner of my own mind reminded me that his hostage was Diamond Tiara – it’s not as if the local schoolyard bully would be a huge loss.

Sometimes, the cold voice of pragmatism can be a real dick.

All it took was one look at the scared little girl being held hostage to hammer that point home. I don’t care if she was a perfect little angel or a total hellraiser, Diamond Tiara was still a kid. I’d had it up to here with adults dying; no way in hell I was going to start tossing kids on the fire.

I’m no expert at this kind of thing, but I figured the smart thing to do was try to go along with Shining Armor until we had a good chance to get the hostage away from him. We might even be able to talk him down. I didn’t know the guy, but I had to think that anyone who could make up to Captain of the Royal Guard in Equestria was probably a pretty decent, honorable fellow when he didn’t have Discord messing around with his brain. Going so far as to threaten a kid was probably way out of character for him; if we played it smart, we might be able to get him to think about what he was doing, and snap out of it.

Before I could put that particular plan of action into motion, Fluttershy exploded.

“JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” The not-so-timid-anymore pegasus fluttered up to the edge of the barrier and unleashed her signature death glare on Shining Armor. “The Princess’ royal guards are supposed to be the noble protectors of ponykind! How dare you threaten to hurt a little filly! HOW DARE YOU!”

“Back off!” Shining Armor snarled, placing the tip of his dagger right on Diamond Tiara’s throat.

“Sir!” One of soldiers cut in. “Maybe we should–“

“Stand down, soldier!” Shining Armor snapped. The guard captain cast a quick look back at his men, most of whom weren’t even trying to hide the fact that they were not alright with him taking a filly hostage. Shining Armor started breaking out into a nervous sweat, and a hint of feat entered his eyes. “All of you! Stand down and fall in line!” His gaze snapped back to Fluttershy. “And you! I said back off!”

“You back off!” Fluttershy answered, propelling herself forward until her nose was touching Shining Armor’s barrier. Despite the close-to-impenetrable wall separating him from the mare, he still took a nervous step away from her. “You let that filly go right now, or you are going to be in BIG TROUBLE mister! You should be ashamed of yourself! WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER THINK IF SHE COULD SEE YOU RIGHT NOW?”

“I–“ Shining Armor looked back to his men for support, and found that almost none of them were willing to meet his gaze, and most of them were slowly backing away from him. “I was–“ He looked to the refugees huddled on the other side of his sphere, and saw a bunch of ponies cringing from him in fear or glaring at him in defiance. “I was just–” He met the Fluttershy’s uncompromising death glare. “I–” He looked down at the terrified little filly that was his hostage.

His grip on the girl and the dagger he’d been holding her slackened.

Three of his pegasi soldiers, or perhaps I should say his former soldiers, sprang into action the instant they saw an opening. One smacked away the dagger with a sweep of a foreleg, another snatched the girl away from him, and the final one gave him smack across the head and horn for good measure. The blow did a fine job of disrupting his concentration, and the barrier spell that had been holding us all in collapsed around us.

I immediately started trotting up to Shining Armor. If his reaction was anything to go by Fluttershy had already put in a pretty good start at snapping him out of Discord’s mind control, but I wanted to make sure he was completely clear. I’d only managed to take about two steps forward when a pink-and-burgundy ball of fury zoomed past me and charged Shining Armor. “NOPONY HURTS MY KIDS!” Cheerilee shrieked.

Shining Armor had size, muscles, military training, magic, and the armor he was named for. All Cheerilee had was the righteous wrath of a mother bear who’d just seen one of her cubs threatened.

Poor guy didn’t stand a chance.

“Reckon maybe we oughta pull her offa him?” Applejack asked. “Ain’t like he’s a bad pony; he was just doin’ all that bad stuff ‘cause Discord made him.”

I looked at the enraged schoolteacher, then back to Applejack. “You want to tell her that she can’t hit him anymore, you go right ahead.” Personally, I wasn’t dumb enough to put myself between a mama bear and her target. I haven’t managed to stay alive for this long by being suicidal (granted, sometimes I’d survived despite my best efforts).

Applejack eyed the schoolmarm and gave a slight wince. “Reckon he’s a tough enough fella to handle takin’ a few hits,” she agreed. Nobody else, not even the guards that had been under his command up until a minute or two ago, seemed all that eager to rush to his defense.

I turned my attention to the three guards who’d helped handle Shining Armor just in time to see them tossing aside the armor and helmets they’d been wearing. Soon as the armor was gone, I was pretty sure they weren’t guards at all. One downside of uniforms; they make it a lot easier to pull off any sort of infiltration

Two of the pegasi I’d never seen before in my life, a lavender mare with a blond mane and a white mare with a pink-and-green one. The remaining pegasus – who was in the process of comforting a quite traumatized Diamond Tiara – was unmistakable. “Good to see you again, Derpy.”

When All This is Over, Harry Will Have a Friendship Report to Write

When he wasn’t brainwashed into being evil, Shining Armor seemed like a pretty stand-up guy. Plus, it turns out he’s Twilight Sparkle’s big brother. Despite his family ties and the fact that he was mind-controlled at the time, I don’t think Cheerilee’s likely to forgive him for threatening one of her kids any time soon.

At least the rest of the ponies seemed to have accepted his shift of loyalties easily enough. Once we’d explained the situation, the guardponies under Shining Armor’s command had seemed relieved to find out what was going on. I guess leaning that the reason your commander and princess had slowly been going evil was all due to mind control would take some worries off your mind. Most soldiers start having some serious moral dilemmas when their commanders order them to do questionable things.

For any career military person (or pony, as the case may be), following orders was a matter of pure instinct. A big chunk of basic training is hammering that single lesson into every single recruit’s head. The guards had to have noticed that Celestia was going down a pretty questionable path, but as long as she wasn’t deep-frying newborns and eating them by the dozen, most of her soldiers would suppress any doubts they might have about their leader and do as they were told. The Equestrian Royal Guard took a lot of pride in their service to the princess; the idea of making like the Praetorians or Janissaries and tossing Celestia out had to be horrifying to them.

Finding out that Celestia had gotten a mind-whammy courtesy of Discord solved the dilemma for them quite nicely. It eliminated the problem of choosing between doing the right thing and remaining loyal to the princess they were sworn to serve. Instead of betraying a ruler who’d turned tyrannical, they were saving Celestia from Discord, and from herself. That thought sat much more comfortably in their minds.

With a couple dozen guards helping out, we didn’t have any trouble getting the kids and old folks into the relative safety of the Everfree Forest. I started having doubts about just how safe the dark and spooky forest might be as soon as we passed through the treeline, but hopefully this would be a temporary arrangement. With Shining Armor on our side, I was starting to feel a slight bit of cautious optimism that we might be able to turn this thing around after all.

Shining Armor’s ponies promptly got to work setting up a temporary campground when we reached the clearing around Zecora’s hut. It was hard not to be a bit impressed by their good old military efficiency. Within a few minutes they had already made good progress at getting ground cleared, setting up tents, and forging order out of the chaos our group of refugees had fallen into. Trixie took it upon herself to set up an impromptu magic show, which helped to keep the kids distracted and out from underfoot.

While Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity explained the situation to the rhyming zebra, I trotted up to the Captain. “Think everyone’ll be safe enough from the local critters camping out here?”

“Hopefully,” he answered. “My ponies know how to maintain a perimeter and keep a lookout for anything that could cause us trouble. We’ve never set up a camp somewhere as wild as the Everfree Forest, though.” He glanced over at the zebra. “I expect they will be deferring to local expertise quite a bit.”

It looked like he had a decent handle on the situation. The guardponies all seemed happy to have a nice simple problem to deal with, too. Protecting civilians from monsters was righteous and didn’t come with any moral complications. After everything they must have been dealing with since Discord turned Celestia to the Dark Side, that had to be a pleasant change of pace.

The three Element-bearers had finished talking to Zecora and dispersed to help with getting the camp set up. Zecora headed our way, speaking to Shining Armor in her oddly lyrical voice. “Should you need help finding shelter or food, I think you’ll find my skills are quite good.”

“Good to know,” I felt my smartass-sense tingling, and couldn’t bring myself to resist the call. “Say, are there any wolves in this forest?”

“Timber wolves there are among the trees,” Zecora answered, her expression unreadable. “But large groups of ponies they should let be.”

I cursed under my breath as she dodged my trap, but I wasn’t about to give up after just one try. “Say, do you have any oranges?”

The zebra glared at me.

Shining Armor cleared his throat, and looked at me with a hint of reprimand in his eyes. “We appreciate any help you can offer, ma’am.” The Guard Captain and Zecora fell into a conversation about the details of getting everything set up, leaving me free to deal with the next order of business on my plate.

I found the wall-eyed pegasus helping set up tents with the two other pegasi she’d flown in with. Despite her best efforts, or more likely because of them, it wasn’t going very well; the two tents were little more than disorganized jumbles of sticks and canvas. It probably didn’t help that Derpy seemed to be chatting happily with a unicorn filly instead of paying attention to what she was doing. A filly that looked an awful lot like her.

Huh. No wonder she was so distracted.

“Hey Derpy,” I called out. “Got a minute? There’s stuff we need to talk about.”

Derpy frowned and looked hesitantly at the two ponies she was theoretically helping. “Can it wait a minute? I think Blossomforth and Cloud Kicker need my help with this tent.”

“We can manage without you Derpy,” the lavender pegasus (not sure which one of the names Derpy had tossed out was hers) hastily volunteered. “I’m sure he’s got something very important and time critical that he needs to talk to you about right now, right?” I caught a hint of desperation in her voice, and the white pegasus was shooting a pleading look at me.

“Oh yes.” I played along. “Sorry, but it really can’t wait.” On a whim, I quickly pulled up my Sight and checked the two pegasi out. They were clean of any Discordian or Denarian taint. Never hurts to be thorough. Just to be safe, I checked the kid too; the thing with Ivy a couple years back had made it crystal clear that the Denarians will use children if it gives them a tactical advantage. The filly was clean, and the connection I saw between her and Derpy confirmed what I suspected from the physical resemblance. Derpy had mentioned that she had a kid, after all.

I dropped my supernatural vision, and now that I wasn’t busy getting fleeting glances of their auras I saw the two adult pegasi shooting grateful looks my way.

“Well, alright then,” Derpy reluctantly agreed. A second later, she grinned over at the two pegasi she’d been trying to assist. “As soon as we’re done talking, I’ll come back and help, okay?”

“No need to rush.” The white pegasus quickly assured her. “Take all the time you need. We’ll probably be done by the time you get back anyway.” From the look the two pegasi exchanged, I’m pretty sure they intended to make a point of being done before Derpy got back to ‘help’ them.

Derpy said a quick goodbye her daughter before trotting over to me. “So, what d’you wanna talk about? Muffins? Spying? Spying on Muffins? Infiltrating Celestia’s palace to steal her muffins?”

“Not here,” I cut her off before she could go on too much of a muffin-related tangent. “It’s sensitive info; we need a bit of privacy for this.”

For a second, I considered grabbing the other three ponies from our little group for this little conversation, but I decided against. It was better to just keep this between me and Derpy. We headed for the edge of the camp and kept walking past it. After a minute or so, Derpy started looking around a bit nervously. “I think we’re far enough away now that nopony’s gonna overhear us.”

It wouldn’t have hurt my feelings to get a little bit further away first, but this was probably far enough to work with. I turned around, gave the area a quick once-over, and took aim. “Forzare!”

Derpy went flying and slammed face-first into a tree. The tree lost, but the hit left the pony stunned and an easy target for my next spell. “Arctis!” A thick layer of ice sprang up around Derpy, covering her completely except for her face. I was tempted to just finish things right then and there before she could recover from the sucker-punch I’d hit her with, but there were a couple bits of the scenario that just didn’t quite add up. As long as I had her safely pinned down, there was no harm in asking a few questions first.

Once the pony had a few seconds to gather her wits, she turned her eyes on me, now completely devoid of the wide-eyed innocent cheerfulness she’d been displaying up to this point. “So,” the Derpnarian declared coldly. “You finally figured it out.”

“Leading us straight into a trap did kind of give you away,” I remarked casually. I probably should’ve suspected her a bit sooner; after all, she’d given me a letter from Discord back when I first met her. Maybe he’d already had his hooks in her at that point, and tossing a coin her way later on had just been an afterthought.

Derpiel grimaced and made a few perfunctory efforts to break free of her icy prison. After a few seconds of struggling she gave it up for a lost cause, and turned attention back to me. “You are making no effort to remove me from my host,” the possessed pony commented. “Why?”

“One or two things don’t quite add up about you,” I answered calmly, taking a seat in front of the demon-pony – about fifteen feet away from her, just in case she had any nasty surprises in store for me. Sure the ice held her for the moment, but I wasn’t a big believer in taking needless risks.

“Do tell.” The Derpnarian seemed to be falling into the classic villain ploy of sitting down and discussing things like civilized people. Even if Nicky didn’t have the decency to explain his entire plan to me when he had me beaten and at his mercy, most of the other Denarians respected the traditional bad guy rules. Odds are that within the next minute or two she’d start offering me money, power, or whatever else might catch my fancy in exchange for letting her go.

“You led us right into an ambush, yeah, but you also did a lot to help us get away.” Smashing a hole in the floor certainly made our escape a lot less problematic than it would’ve been otherwise. “Plus, Cadenziel went after you first when the fight started up. Would’ve made a lot more sense if she’d gone after someone else and left you free and in a great position to stab us in the back at the worst possible time.”

“Most astute.” Yup, Derpiel was already breaking out the flattery. The Denarians could be really predictable sometimes. “You are correct. Saluriel’s host and I were working at cross-purposes.” An annoyed grimace decorated the demon-pony’s face. “I can assure you, the ambush was just as unpleasant of a surprise for me as it was for the rest of you.”

“I bet it was.” Needless to say, I was going to be taking anything the Derpnarian had to say with a grain of salt about the size of the Sears Tower. Demons aren’t exactly known for being honest. “Anyway, let’s move on to the main event. You’ve got a coin, but you’re fighting with Sally the Snakeboy. What’s your angle?”

“To do exactly as I’ve done in all our dealings to this point,” Derpiel answered smoothly. “To render you aid in whatever manner I can.”

“I can’t imagine Nicky’s going to be happy about that,” I quipped.

“Ah, but you misunderstand, Dresden.” The demon pony grinned at me. “I’ve been acting on Nicodemus’ orders the entire time.”

Well well well, the plot thickens. “Explain.”

“Our alliance with Discord has lately soured,” Derpiel declared. “He has refused to perform the services he promised us in exchange for our aid in freeing him.”

“An evil trickster god who doesn’t keep his deals,” I broke out the smartassery. “Who could’ve seen that coming?”

Judging by the annoyed grimace on the Derpnarian’s face, she didn’t appreciate the interruption. Good. “Saluriel foolishly chose to betray the Order of the Blackened Denarius and align himself with Discord,” the demon pony continued on as if I hadn’t interrupted. “Others within the Order have also betrayed Nicodemus and made common cause with Discord. Nicodemus has taken appropriate measures to ensure that the punishment for their crimes will be appropriately agonizing before it proves fatal.”

So the Denarians were killing each other off. Such a shame. “So you and Sally Snakeboy are duking it here. That still leaves the question of why you say Nicodemus wants you to help me.” I had a pretty good guess what Nicky’s angle was already, but the more I got the demon talking, the better the odds were that it would let something I wasn’t supposed to know slip out.

“Surely you have already grasped his reasons.” Derpiel gave a smile that showed entirely too many teeth to qualify as friendly. “Even when we first took to mortal form through the coins, it was an old saying. ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend.’ We share a common foe; it is only sensible that we pool our resources.” After a moment, the demon pony tossed in a bit more flattery for good measure. “Twice you have fought the Order of the Blackened Denarius and foiled our schemes. Nicodemus respects your strength.”

So, Nicky wanted an alliance against Discord? Have to admit, that offer was more than a little tempting at the moment. The two of them working together had caused me all kinds of trouble, and breaking up that alliance would solve a lot of problems. Making them spend time and effort fighting each other instead of putting all their energy into finding ways to hurt me and my allies sounded appealing as hell.

Not appealing enough to offset the very obvious downsides of the arrangement, though. “I know it might seem this way to all you big nasty immortals, but I wasn’t born yesterday. What’s the catch?” There’s always a catch when a demon offers you something. If you don’t see any downsides to the deal, you aren’t looking hard enough. “If you expect me or any of the ponies to take one of the coins, you can go right on back to hell.”

“We would not ask anything so unrealistic of you,” the Derpnarian assured me. “The price of our aid is but a trifle, really. The return of the coins you have taken from us.”

Oh yeah, handing a bunch of demon coins back over to Team Evil wasn’t a big deal at all. Especially not after I’d eliminated Nicky’s only real competition for leader of the Nickleheads - he’d have no trouble getting the rest of the Denarians to toe his line. Hell’s bells, aside from Deirdre he hadn’t even lost any servants he was likely to care about. All the other Denarians he’d tossed at me were sitting in canon-fodder bodies before he’d handed the coins off to the ponies.

Sure, I’d taken Lasciel and her coin out of the picture for good, but she’d never been all that solidly in Nicky’s camp to begin with. The only reason she’d hitched her wagon to his cause in the first place was because it gave her an opportunity to take a crack at me. Under normal circumstances, she’d be butting heads with Nicky all the time. What was it Forthill had called her once? ‘A rebel angel amongst rebels.’ Sort of like James Dean, except with fire and brimstone instead of motorcycles and leather jackets.

Bottom line, if Nicky got the coins back, he’d indisputably be coming out ahead in this deal. That’s not to mention that he might have grabbed some toys from the Outside while he’d had the ponies under his control; there was no guarantee that Star Wars and that Nirn place had been his first stops. I didn’t like the idea of cutting a deal with Nicodemus that let him walk away after I’d thoroughly kicked his ass. I damn sure wasn’t going to let him get away with a victory.

The Denarians being what they were, I couldn’t trust them to keep a deal they made with me anyway. Hell’s bells, they’d been quick enough to betray Discord, and they had a lot more common ground with an evil trickster god of chaos than they did with me. The Order of the Blackened Denarius makes for a pretty sucky group of allies. At best, Nicky’s idea of an alliance probably involved him sitting back and watching while Discord and I fought it out, maybe tossing a bit of aid my way if I started losing, and then finishing off me and whatever allies I had left standing while we were all exhausted from fighting Discord.

I’d have to spend the duration of any deal I cut with the Nicklehead keeping an eye out for a knife in the back, because there was no way in hell there wouldn’t be one coming. Like the old story of the scorpion and the frog, the Denarians weren’t going to change their ways. If we made a deal, it was just a matter of time before the Nickleheads’ sudden but inevitable betrayal.

Besides, I only had Derpiel’s word that the Denarians and Discord had even fallen out in the first place. When dealing with a group of thoroughly nasty individuals with a propensity for lying and treachery, it’s generally a bad idea to take anything they say at face value. Odds were good that the demon pony was lying her bubble-marked butt off. Convincing me that the Nickleheads and Discord were at each other’s throats would be a great way to lead me into a trap. Despite her claims to the contrary, Derpiel already pulled that trick on me once. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice … been fooled, won’t get fooled again.

“How’s this for a counter-offer? If you hand your coin over right now and Nicky gives me his as soon as Discord’s dealt with, and maybe I’ll let him stick around long enough to die of old age instead of killing him.” Without a coin, Nicky wouldn’t last too long; when Saluriel’s old host lost his coin, he managed to fit seventy years worth of aging into less than two years of real time. I guess demonic immortality doesn’t come with much in the way of ontological inertia. Or maybe instead of a limit on the magic, it was a case of the legions of darkness opting for the Darth Vader method of dealing with minions who failed them.

“That is preposterous,” the Derpnarian declared with sneer.

“Well now you know how I feel about your suggestion that we team up and I just give Nicky everything he needs to win.” I mentally prepared myself; if Derpiel had some nasty trick in store for me, she was likely to spring it in the next couple seconds.

Sure enough, I heard the sound of cracking ice as the possessed pony broke free of her prison. That was just the opening act, though; a second later, her mane started growing out and taking on a metallic sheen, her hooves transformed into thick clawed paws, and the rest of her body took on a vaguely scaly appearance. She didn’t quite go for the full transformation though, presumably so she could keep Derpy’s wings. In any case, the demon form confirmed that Derpy had gotten Deirdre’s old coin. That accounted for all of them, except for Nicky’s.

With a snarl, the Derpnarian flicked her head at me and sent her razor-mane slicing in my direction. I brought up my shield and let her attack bounce right off of it, sending strands of hair flying every which way. Several cut through tree limbs, and in one case got halfway through a tree trunk. “Looks like you’ve found your true calling in life.” Deirdre had always had a bit a low tolerance threshold for smartassery, so it was worth trying to push Derpiel’s buttons on the chance that it was one of those personality traits that more tied to the Fallen than the person carrying the coin. “Give up the whole demon thing and take up lumberjacking – I’ve heard it’s a pretty lucrative career. Plus, you get to dress up in women’s clothing and hang around in bars.”

That joke probably would’ve worked better if the demon had a male host.

The demon pony shrieked and tried to chop me into tiny little pieces with her full metal mane again, with just as much success as her first attempt. A quick ice blast left half her slicing and dicing hair stuck together in a single icy mass. “One thing I have to ask,” I quipped. “Out of all the ponies you could’ve grabbed, why the clumsy cross-eyed one?”

Opting for a change in strategy, the Derpnarian flapped her wings a few times and took to the air. Oh, I really hope she isn’t planning to grab me and drop me from an unhealthy height. I’ve had it up to here with demonically possessed pegasi trying to make like a Disney movie and kill me with gravity.

I nipped that possibility in the bud. “Forzare!” I put a downward angle on the blast, driving the partially-transformed demon pony back to the ground. Derpiel rolled with the hit and turned it into a diving charge that put her in position to take a diving swipe at my head. My shield held the blow at bay, and a second force spell introduced her to another tree at a distinctly unhealthy velocity.

“C’mon, you can’t really expect to win this,” I called out to the Derpnarian. “By now I’m pretty much a certified expert in taking down demon ponies. Hell, I’ve been kicking the nickled asses for the last couple days. Tessa? Dead. Rosanna? Dead. All of their ‘tardbeast minions? Dead. Deirdre? Dead. All the other demon ponies? Freed. Fricking Lasciel, one of the Fallen? Dead.” Sure, not all of those accomplishments were really mine to take credit for, but it did make one heck of a list.

I tossed a pitying look at the demon pony. “So tell me just one thing. What the hell makes you think you’ve actually got a chance of beating me? We both know how this is gonna end. We’ll fight for a bit, you’ll maybe get a lucky hit in and give me another bruise for my collection or make me lose a bit of blood, but in the end I’m gonna kick your sorry ass just like every other one of the possessed ponies I’ve mixed it up with. So why don’t you do us both a favor and save me the trouble? Just lie down and spit out the coin.”

The Derpnarian paused and for a second I wondered if maybe it was actually going to follow my advice and thrown in the towel. That optimistic streak of mine must be cropping up again.

Instead of surrendering the demon pony pulled her razor-mane in, and a nasty little smile popped up on her face. “Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps I can’t defeat you in open battle.” Then Derpiel pulled a move I really wasn’t expecting and sent a few strands of hair slashing down.

At herself.

It took me a second to figure out just why the demon pony would voluntarily injure herself. I put it together as the demon pulled back its hair for another strike. “You’re taking yourself hostage.” I guess it’s a sign that the Denarians are starting to catch up with modern times when they start pulling evil schemes straight out of Mel Brooks films.

“Just so, Dresden.” The Derpnarian smirked and used a strand of hair to cut a very shallow line across one of her own cheeks. “You will surrender the coins, or I will kill my host. If it is as you say, and I have no hope of victory, then the death of my host is of no consequence to me. For you, on the other hand...” A horribly out-of-place sadistic smile appeared on Derpiel’s face. “The death of this creature would hurt you, far worse than any physical wound I could ever hope to inflict. Your nobility has always been your weakness, Dresden. With but a single twitch, I could wound you. Whenever this little pony’s face comes to mind, you will know the guilt of failing her.” The demon’s tone turned pensive as she tossed in one final barb. “I wonder – what will you tell her poor little orphaned daughter when she asks you what happened to her mommy?”

At the mention of Derpy’s daughter, the demon-pony gave a very noticeable twitch, and for a second I thought the pony might be able to throw off the demon’s control. I was tempted to encourage her in the fight, but at the same time I couldn’t help but worry that undermining the demon’s control could backfire horribly. If it felt like it was about to lose its control over Derpy, the demon would kill her without a moment’s hesitation.

Son of a bitch. In hindsight, taking Cadence hostage had been a bad move on my part. Apparently, it had inspired all the bad guys to follow my example and start pulling the hostage card too.

The demon had me in one hell of a tight spot. Even if I could get a spell off quick enough to beat the demon to the draw, there was no guarantee I could hit it with something that would make suicide impossible. I could try another ice spell, but if even a single strand of that razor-sharp prehensile hair was free, it would be enough.

I did have one advantage, though. While the demon wouldn’t hesitate to kill an innocent pony (and would kill off its host for pure spite if it was in danger of losing its body), demons generally don’t give up anything willingly. Demons are greedy creatures. Once they get something, they’ll never give it up if they think there’s a chance they can keep it. Instead of cutting its losses or settling for what it could get, the demon was going to try to find a way to keep its current body and wring every single concession it possibly could out of me. Even Nicodemus had walked right into a trap he should have seen coming the last time I’d tangled with him; all I’d needed to do was make the bait too tempting for him to resist.

That demonic greed would buy me time to work with. As long as Derpy’s demonic pilot thought she could have her cake and eat it too, she was going to hold off on hurting her host. Giving a wizard time to come up with a plan is almost never a good idea.

Just then, I felt something tapping against one of my hooves. I tried to look down without being too obvious about it and saw a single ordinary looking rock, wreathed in a blue telekinetic glow. Huh. Looks like we had an audience. Between all the trees getting carved up by Derpiel’s bad hair day and me tossing force and ice spells around like they were going out of style, it figured someone would’ve noticed us. I looked over at the demon-pony using her razor-hair to hold herself hostage, and an interesting thought occurred to me.

“Y’know Derpiel, you really oughta do something with that mane of yours,” I remarked casually. “Having that much razor sharp hair flying around loosely all over the place must get really inconvenient. I bet every time you turn your head you end up slicing and dicing whatever poor guy is standing next to you.” The demon-pony was getting that annoyed expression on her face that often seemed to crop up whenever I broke out the banter on someone who didn’t appreciate it – which was most of the bad guys I’ve dealt with. “Maybe a braid?” I suggested, only to discard the idea a moment later. “No, if we went with that then it’ll just be one big slicey-dicey chunk of hair. How about a big up-do then? Or maybe keep things nice and simple with a bun? Something to keep all that hair safely tied up, where it can’t hurt anyone.”

“Is there some point to your blathering?” Derpiel snapped at me.

“Probably not,” I admitted. “Stars and stones, half the time I’m just babbling out whatever crazy random thoughts and pop culture references happen to be going through my head at the moment.” I saw a brief flash of white back in the trees, and a blue glow sprang up around the demon-pony’s hair. “Then again, sometimes I’m actually passing secret messages to a fashionista hiding in the bushes.”

“What?” Before the Derpnarian could figure that one out, Rarity made her move, and in a sudden flurry of movement the demon-pony’s razor-mane rearranged itself into a single massive, tightly packed bun. The instant Rarity’s work was done, I hit the demon pony with another ice-bind and got to work on undoing Discord’s dirty work.

Once Derpy was freed from the Denarian, I checked the injuries the demon had inflicted upon her. It could’ve been a lot worse; none of the cuts were very deep, and one of the perks of being a Denarian was an accelerated healing rate. The cuts would sting for a couple days, but they should heal just fine – especially since Zecora would probably have some sort medical knowledge she could apply to patching up Derpy’s injuries.

Rarity gave a sigh of relief as she reached the same conclusion. “For a moment I was afraid I might have to stitch something other than fabric again. I would rather not have to repeat that particular experience.” The unicorn shuddered at the less-than-pleasant memory; fashion-obsessed neat-freaks and field medicine did make for a rather problematic combination. Sure, if someone needed her help she’d give it in a heartbeat, but she would still find the entire process rather trying.

“Thanks for the assist, by the way.” Derpy seemed to have zonked out from getting recombobulated, so I loaded the sleeping pegasus onto my back. “I would’ve had a hard time getting out of that one without you.”

“Oh, it was no trouble at all,” the fashionista answered modestly. Frowning down at the pegasus, she added. “I really should have noticed something was wrong sooner. I thought Derpy seemed a bit out of sorts, but I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I suppose I just assumed it was a result of everything that’s been happening for the last few days.” Rarity looked Derpy over with obvious concern. “She will be alright, won’t she?”

“Yeah, she’ll be fine.” Well, as fine as someone who’s gone through demonic possession can be, anyway. I don’t think she’ll have too much trouble bouncing back; these ponies are pretty tough.

We paused at the sound of a twig snapping nearby; our fight had been hellishly noisy, and I was surprised nobody had come to investigate already. Probably the only reason nobody had was that it had all gone down so fast.

“Mommy!!”

Oh. Hells Bells, I had not seen this one coming.

The young filly Derpy had been talking to earlier charged me, tears streaming down her face. The Derpnarian had kept up the facade perfectly, fooling the kid into thinking that her mother was completely normal (or at least as normal as Derpy ever could be). All of the noise our fight had made would have been scary as hell to any kid, of course she’d try to find her mom. And when she did find her, she got hit with one of the scariest thoughts that can enter a kid’s mind:

Mommy wasn’t OK.

Before I could offer any explanation, the filly jumped up and latched onto Derpy’s foreleg, almost sending the unconscious mailmare sprawling off of my back. “Mommy wake up please wake up you said you’d just be gone for a minute, please, please PLEASE! WHY WON’T SHE WAKE UP!?”

Contrary to what Michael keeps telling me, I don’t have much of a heart; what little I do have, though, broke at the sound of her screaming. I thought back to the day my own father died. They told me it had been an aneurysm, although I wouldn’t know what that word even meant until years later. All I really remembered was going in to tell him I’d missed the bus, trying to shake him awake ... and him not responding to me.

Even losing Rainbow Dash hadn’t affected me like this. Yeah, I’d lost friends before – a lot of them, in fact, and it always hurt. But seeing a child’s screams for her mother fall on deaf ears struck home for me in ways I never like thinking about.

Fortunately – mercifully – Rarity’s horn glowed as she pried Dinky off of Derpy, pulling the hysterical young filly into a hug. “No, no, no, dear, it’s okay. Shh, shh, it’s okay – there’s no need to cry. Your mother is fine, I promise.”

Dinky calmed down a little bit, but the lack of response from her mommy was clearly weighing on her. “But why won’t she wake up? She promised she’d be right back and now she won’t wake up...”

“Your mom is just asleep,” I offered. “She had a little accident, but she’s gonna wake up soon and she’ll be fine.” It was a lie, but the kid didn’t need to know that her mom had been possessed by a demon for the last couple days.

A couple of Shining Armor’s guardsponies came storming into the clearing. My throw-down with the Derpnarian had been a noisy enough little fracas, but the terrified screaming of a child must have lit a fire under their hooves. “What’s going on here?” one of them demanded.

“Mommy won’t wake up,” Dinky whimpered.

Oh hell. Between the wounded pony draped on my back and her very traumatized kid, this probably didn’t look good. If not for the fact that I had a bit of a good reputation with the guards thanks to my association with the Element-Bearers and Shining Armor, I’d probably have two of Canterlot’s finest slapping me in irons, or whatever the Equestrian equivalent was. I’ve never been all that good at talking my way out of trouble.

Fortunately for me, I wasn’t alone. Rarity, still cradling Dinky, stepped up and turned on the charm. “I’m afraid that poor Derpy had an encounter with some of the local wildlife. Harry and I arrived in time to save her, but there was a bit of an altercation with the creature. Then Dinky found us, and naturally the poor dear panicked when she saw that her mother had been injured...”

A well-timed sniff from Dinky seemed to sell it. The two guards nodded, and the larger of them gently took Derpy from me. Not having her on my back was a relief; while the weight wasn’t a big issue, it still felt kind of awkward to carry someone while walking on all fours. I was kind of looking forward to getting back to Earth and finally being bipedal again. Four legs good, two legs better.

The other two remaining ponies out of the original six Element-Bearers caught up to us soon enough. Fluttershy immediately flew over to Derpy and began fussing over the unconscious mare. “Oh my goodness! Is she okay?” A short time later the medically-mindedpegasus was done checking Derpy over and calmed the worst of her fears. “I think she’s going to be alright. What happened to her? Oh, my.” With Derpy out of immediate danger, Dinky had latched back onto her mother. Fluttershy scooped Dinky up in her hooves and went into full-on nurturing mode, excusing herself as she quietly hummed to the young filly.

“Yeah, I sure would like to know just what the hay happened back there,” Applejack agreed. “One minute you’re goin’ off to talk to the gal, and then next thing we know stuff’s blowin’ up, trees are gettin’ knocked down an’ Dinky’s screamin’ fer her mama.”

I pulled out the coin I’d taken off of Derpy, kept it out for long enough to let the ponies get a good look at it, and then tossed it back into my saddlebag. I miss my duster, with its very handy pockets. Why couldn’t the weird universe-crossing mechanics transform my duster into something that would fit on a pony? For that matter, what happened to it whenever I visited Equestria? Did it just get left in some kind of interdimensional limbo? Or did it get displaced into my magical unicorn horn like some of my other bits of wizard gear? If it was in my horn, then what happened with the coins that I had sitting in that thing’s pockets? Why was my brain going off on such a weird tangent when I should be talking to the ponies?

Applejack didn’t seem all that pleased by my wordless explanation of what happened with Derpy. If anything, it just pissed her off more. “And when exactly were ya plannin’ on tellin’ the rest of us that she had one of them coins? Don’t ya think that’s the kinda thing ya might oughta tell us about?”

“This one was a bit delicate,” I explained. “I didn’t even know she was one of the Nickleheads until I got a look at through my Sight back in the palace.”

“So why not tell us then?” The farmpony demanded.

“We did have a couple other things on our plate at the time, like a psycho princess and dozens of guards trying to kill us,” I pointed out. “Plus, I didn’t want her knowing she’d been compromised.” I held up a hoof to forestall any objections. “You can’t tell me you’d act completely normal around her if you knew she’d been Denarianed up, Applejack – a blind man could read your poker face. The easiest way to make sure none of you gave anything away was to make sure none of you had anything to give away.”

“Well, I suppose I can somewhat understand that reasoning,” Rarity agreed reluctantly. “I can’t say I particularly care for it, but I do at least understand why you didn’t tell us.” Rarity paused, and shot Applejack a smile. “No offense darling, but you are without a doubt the very worst liar I have ever known.”

“Bein’ an honest pony ain’t nothin’ to be ashamed about,” Applejack answered with a hint of stubborn pride in her voice.

Rarity turned to face me. “What mystifies me is why you didn’t think to let us know about Derpy once you decided to confront her. Surely at that point there would be no danger of us spoiling your ruse.”

“I wanted to get her out of the camp and away from all the kids and old folks as soon as possible, and there wasn’t really a good chance to pull you aside and talk it all over without it looking suspicious. After I got her out of the camp and alone, I saw a good chance to take her down and I acted on it.”

“I see.” Somehow, Rarity had the ability to make those two words sound an awful lot like ‘You’re a complete idiot.’ I think it’s something inherent to all women, regardless of their species. “Tell me, Harry dear, how well did your plan to deny the demon any potential hostages and deal with the situation entirely by yourself work?”

“Um...” I struggled to find some way to answer that question that would still leave me with a shred of dignity.

“I see.” The words carried exactly the same meaning they held the last time she’d used them, though perhaps with an added element of surprise that I’d somehow managed to prove myself even stupider than she’d previously believed. Female is a complicated language.

Why had I left the ponies so far out of the loop on the Derpy situation? Sure, keeping up the masquerade made sense, but once it was time to confront the Derpnarian having them along would’ve helped. I never would’ve gotten this far without them, so why had I suddenly run off half-cocked into a one-on-one fight with a Denarian? Hell’s bells, Rainbow Dash had saved my bacon during the fight with –

Oh.

Ohhh.

It didn’t take a genius to connect the dots on that one. After losing Rainbow Dash, suddenly I was finding myself cutting the ponies out of combat situations. I’m no expert on psychology, but that can’t be a coincidence.

Hell’s bells, my entire plan for winning the fight against Discord and Nicky could be summed up as ‘get the ponies to stay somewhere safe, and then try to handle everything by myself.’ Maybe my whole plan of rushing back to Earth to set up a big nasty conventional brawl with the baddies wasn’t just about stopping the bad guys as quickly as I could. Maybe it was really about making sure that no more ponies would be at risk of dying on my watch.

“I think … I might have messed things up a bit,” I hesitantly admitted. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking that I needed to protect you. That my job here was to keep all of you safe, no matter what happens. I was wrong there. Well, I still don’t want anything bad happening to you, but it’s not because you’re some innocent creatures I need to protect, or because you guys using the Elements is the only way to stop Discord, or even just because it’s the right thing to do.” I swallowed a lump of something that had somehow gotten into my throat. I think it might have been a lump of emotions. “It’s because you guys are my friends.”

The three ponies looked at me in surprise, and then I found myself at the center of a group hug. I had no say in the matter. Not that I minded.

If Discord was here right now, I bet we would’ve had more than enough friendship to kick his mismatched ass.

Once Derpy woke up from her Denarian-induced nap, I called together a meeting of what I suppose qualified as our new war council. Well, I first gave her a few minutes to hug her daughter and assure her that everything was fine – I’m pretty sure Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy would’ve torn me to bits if I didn’t. Unfortunately, Pinkie was still in no condition to join us; I woke her up after we had the camp in working order, but she went right back to playing with her dolls, hidden away in her safe little fantasy world. Shining Armor had joined us, though.

For a while I’d been worried that the whole spy thing had only happened after Derpy picked up her coin. She was a strange one, but there’s no denying that Derpy had been oddly effective, in her own way. Losing that perspective would’ve been a shame. Lucky for us, apparently Derpy-the-spy had been in business for a while. Guess it made sense; Luna wouldn’t have been so quick to trust Derpy as her spymistress unless the pegasus had already been working for her before everything in Equestria went to hell.

Shining Armor’s area of expertise that made him an asset to the meeting was fairly obvious.

“So, let’s get this thing started.” I turned to Shining Armor. “You’re the Captain of the Royal Guard. I figure if anyone knows of a good way to deal with Princess Celestia, it’s gotta be you.”

Undoing Discord’s mind-whammy usually didn’t take me all that long, at least by the standards of mind magic, but he’d probably done an extra-thorough job on Celestia. Even if it just took the normal amount of time I would still need a good ten to fifteen seconds to get it done, and there would be no way of hiding that I was trying to bust into her brain. Getting into mental combat with a fully aware and completely unrestrained Celestia wouldn’t end well for me.

Still, if the Elements of Harmony weren’t an option, then our only option was to try and undo the mind-control the old-fashioned way. That meant we needed Celestia worn down enough that she wouldn’t be capable of crushing my brain like a marshmallow the instant I tried to start breaking Discord’s spell. The prospect of trying to take Celestia on in a conventional magic slugging match still struck me as suicidal, but if she had any sort of kryptonite, the guy in charge of her bodyguards would know about it.

“If she has a weakness, she never saw fit to inform me of it,” Shining Armor admitted.

Of course. If all we needed were some green space rocks to deal with her, our lives might’ve been easy for once. Good guys don’t get to have nice things like that. “What about the rest of the Guards then? Can we get them all on our side, and just dogpile her?”

Shining Armor frowned, and shook his head. “I believe most of my higher-ranking officers have been placed under Discord’s control. If we could somehow free all of them without being noticed, the Guard has loyally served the throne for a thousand years. Even under these circumstances most would be very reluctant to take up arms against her, and it would only take one pony who doubts our claims to warn Princess Celestia.”

The first rule of keeping a secret or running a conspiracy; the more people in the know, the worse your odds are of staying hidden.

“Even if I could rally the entire Guard against her, I’m not sure we would win,” Shining Armor continued. “We aren’t trained or equipped to deal with a situation like this. Our standard operating procedure for dealing with a hostile being of power equivalent to Princess Celestia is to contain the situation, focus on getting any civilians in the area to safety, and leave the actual fighting to Her Highness.”

So the Guards hadn’t made any contingency plans for the possibility that Celestia might turn evil? You’d think that after the whole Nightmare Moon thing they’d have realized that it was a possibility they needed to be ready for. The Equestrian Royal Guard weren’t nearly paranoid enough. However, this is coming from a guy who has a habit of checking to make sure there isn’t an invisible demon that’s about to eat his face. Maybe I’m not the best judge on what level of paranoia is reasonable.

Then again, since no invisible demons have eaten my face yet, I must be doing something right.

“There’s also the issue of her Insight.” I could practically hear the capital letter in the last word of Shining Armor’s sentence. That didn’t bode well.

“Sometimes,” Shining Armor hesitated for a moment before plunging forward. “Sometimes the princess just knows things. Things she couldn’t possibly know.” The captain shuffled his hooves nervously, and continued. “One of my ponies took an interest in a mare who was far above his station. He believed that there was no way she would ever return his feelings, so he didn’t tell anypony about them and hid them very carefully.” Considering what I’d gleaned of his relationship with Cadance, it wasn’t hard to guess who this ‘friend’ Shining Armor was talking about was. “Then one day, Princess Celestia called him into her quarters and told him he should act on his feelings. Feelings she couldn’t possibly have found out about from anypony. And yet, somehow she just … knew.”

That sounded familiar, and if it was what I thought it was it was very bad news. I’d come across that particular sort of insight before. Intellectus. Think of it as the dollar-store version of omniscience. Intellectus comes with various limits and restrictions, and you have to know what you’re looking for in order to find it, but it’s still a very scary ability. I would know; I got a taste of it thanks to bonding with a powerful genius loci. After I’d bonded with the spirit of an island called Demonreach, I could find out about anything that happened on the island just by wanting to know it.

Celestia having access to Intellectus could toss a huge monkey wrench into any plan I could come up with – especially since her abilities extended into being able to have a look into people’s heads in some circumstances, if Shining Armor’s little story was any indication. Kind of hard to plan much of a strategy when you’re dealing with someone who can find out what you’re planning with a stray thought.

Well, maybe I wasn’t completely screwed on that count. By its very nature, Intellectus is limited. There was no way to know for sure without asking the princess herself, but I’m willing to bet that her Intellectus was in some way bound to Equestria. Since I wasn’t from Equestria, I might be a blind spot for her. There had to be other blind spots too, it was just a matter of finding them and figuring out how to exploit them. “Don’t suppose you know anything that could help us get past this Insight of hers?” I asked Shining Armor hopefully.

“Princess Luna can,” Derpy chimed in helpfully.

Well, I guess that one made sense. The two sisters were supposed to balance each other out, and if Celestia could have Intellectus-ed her way into finding her sister’s hidden base, she would have. That didn’t do us much good now that Luna was stuck on the moon, though.

Unexpectedly, Derpy little out a little laugh, and looked a bit self-conscious once she realized everyone was staring at her now. “I just remembered a funny story Princess Luna told me once. Princess Celestia was gonna have this big slice of cake for dessert, and Princess Luna used her magic to hide it. Celestia was so mad. She made the guards search the entire palace top-to-bottom, but no matter what she tried, she couldn’t find her cake.” Derpy frowned. “It was funny, but I hope she never does that to my muffins. That would be mean. Then again, Luna gave the cake back to Princess Celestia eventually, so I guess that makes it okay.”

Derpy’s story did bring a rather interesting thought to mind. If Luna could hide a cake... “Derpy, when you were working as Luna’s spy, she must’ve put some kind of magic on you to keep you from getting found out by Celestia, right?”

“Yeah-huh!” Derpy nodded eagerly. “It’s kinda inconvenient though. Sometimes ponies want to mail important stuff with magical tracking spells on it to make sure their package don’t get lost, even though it doesn’t happen that often, and every time I get one of those packages, Luna’s magic messes it up. They don’t give me very many important packages though, ever since that one time with the collection of crystal goblets, which wasn’t my fault at all. I just don’t know what went wrong; one minute I was just flying along, and then, wham!” Derpy waved her hooves about, miming a pony crashing into the ground, and successfully knocking a glass of water into Rarity’s face in the process. “Oops,” the grey pegasus shot Rarity a nervous grin. “Sorry.”

“It’s quite alright.” Rarity answered, trying very hard to hide her aggravation at how the mailpony’s antics had messed up her mane.

“Okay, good.” Derpy smile innocently, and got right back to talking. “Plus Luna sends me muffins sometimes, so that makes it okay.” Derpy frowned in confusion for a moment. “ Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, muffins! Do we have any muffins?”

I smiled at the scatterbrained pegasus. “Derpy, once this is over I will scour the Chicago phone book for a place that offers an all-you-can-eat muffin meal.” There’s got to be a restaurant like that somewhere.

“Yay! Muffins!”

“Yes, well that’s quite lovely of you Harry,” Rarity declared primly. “I don’t suppose we could get back to working on a plan to save Equestria now, can we?”

“Oh, there’s no need for that anymore,” I answered quite calmly. Every single pony except Derpy stared at me in shock. “I already figured it out.”

“And when exactly were ya plannin’ to tell the rest of us ‘bout that?” Applejack demanded.

“I just did.” I turned to Luna’s number one spy. “Isn’t that right Derpy?”

“Yeppers.”

“See? Derpy agrees, I just told you I have a plan. I guess she would know, she helped me come up with the plan, after all.” Silence reigned as the other four ponies looked at me expectantly. After several awkward seconds of silence, I grinned over at Derpy. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a genius?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Well you are a genius.” I raised my voice loud enough to carry to the rest of the camp. “Can someone get this pony a muffin? I think after everything she’s done, she deserves one!” I turned back to the pegasus. “I’m sure someone will have one. If the Summer Queen still owed me, I’d call in the favor and get you a muffin, but I wound up having to use it a couple of years ago to get a donut instead.”

Applejack very loudly cleared her throat. Once she was sure she had my attention, she spoke. “Are ya’ll gonna stop horsin’ around, and actually explain what yer talkin’ about already?”

I thought it over for a moment. “Nah.”

Applejack glared at me. “Why the hay not?”

Sure, I could’ve explained about the issue of Celestia’s Intellectus, or that if Applejack knew the plan she would have to pull off the sneaky parts of it with that terrible poker face of hers, but that wouldn’t be very much fun. “It’s real simple, you see. Not explaining things is kinda like candy for wizards.”

Harry's Plan Goes as Well as His Plans Usually Do

Celestia’s guards were annoyingly gentle when they tossed me into the dungeons.

“Great plan, Harry,” Applejack snarked at me as the guards escorted her and the other Element-Bearers in behind me. Well, in Pinkie’s case they weren’t so much escorting her as carrying her along while she played with her Rainbow Dash doll.

So here we were in the dungeons. Or at least, the closest thing Canterlot Palace had to a dungeon. It was really more like a suite than a proper dungeon. There was no filth smeared on the wall, no rats and roaches swarming over the floors and nibbling on the single crust of bread that was all I had to eat, and not a single rotting corpse in sight. Instead of a nasty cramped cell, we got a nice set of rooms with fancy furniture, freshly-cooked food waiting for us, and I’m pretty sure a maid had come through to dust and change the bedsheets right before they moved us in.

Hell’s bells, aside from the lack of windows and the fact that the only door out was locked and had a pair guards outside of it, there wasn’t even anything to indicate this was a prison at all. I mean really, didn’t these guys know anything about how to set up a proper dungeon? My old apartment was worse than this!

“I demand a different cell!” I yelled at the two guards standing outside our door. “As long as I’m in the dungeon of an evil tyrant’s palace, I want the full experience! This is the worst prison I’ve ever been in! You haven’t even put us in chains! Stars and stones, I bet you guys aren’t even going to torture me are you?” Despite my yelling, the pair of them didn’t so much as give a twitch. “Geez, what a rip-off. I am not satisfied with my dungeon-dwelling experience.”

Rarity frowned at me. “Do you want the guards to mistreat us?”

I sighed. Some people – or ponies as the case may be – just don’t get it. “It’s not about what I want, it’s about standards. If you’re going to be an evil tyrant you need to do things properly.”

The other ponies in the room stared at me as if I’d grown a second head. (Most of them – Pinkie Pie was still lost in her own little world.). “Why do we let him make the plans again?” Applejack grumbled.

“Hey, my plan was going perfectly right up until the part where we all got captured and thrown in prison,” I offered up in my own defense. “Seriously, I was at least ninety percent successful.”

“Well that’s just super,” Applejack snarked. Were the ponies always this smartassed, or was I having a bad influence on them? “You let us know when you get around to takin’ care of that last ten percent, will ya?”

“Will do.” I walked over to one of the trays of food the guards had left out for us. “Next part of my brilliant strategy: Chow time. Trying to work on an empty stomach won’t do us any good.” I have to admit, pony food was kind of starting to grow on me. It was no match for a good steak sandwich, but for food that involved a notable lack of dead animal flesh it wasn’t too shabby at all. It was probably a good thing the cartoon was My Little Pony instead of My Little Cow. I’m pretty sure if I'd done all this adventuring with sentient and vaguely anthropomorphic cows I might have a harder time going back to a good old meat-based diet once I wasn’t hanging with herbivores.

“And precisely what were you planning to do after you finish your meal?” Rarity’s voice was in that dangerously polite tone women tend to get right before they lose all self-control and just completely explode. Possibly twice.

I chewed my food contemplatively as I pondered the question, glancing over at the freshly made beds. “I think I’ll take a nap.”

“Um – excuse me – but shouldn’t we be trying to escape?” Fluttershy hesitantly joined the conversation.

“Relax; I’m working on a plan. I’m just having something to eat while I do it. Can’t think on an empty stomach.”

“Well, while you’re workin’ on that, I figure the rest of us are gonna actually up an’ do somethin’.” Looks like Applejack didn't care for the way I was handling the situation. I’m not surprised; I tended to come up with crazy and complicated plans I never told anyone about while Applejack liked things simple and straightforward.

The farmer trotted over to Fluttershy. “Alright now sugarcube, you reckon you could try another one of them shout things to bust us outta here?”

“Okay – I’ll try.” Fluttershy took a deep breath. “Fus Ro Dah!”

Wow. Somehow, her shouting was actually quieter than her normal speaking voice. Needless to say, it wasn’t up to the job of smashing through stone walls.

Applejack tried to put it as gently as possible. “Alright, that wasn’t bad for a first try, ‘Shy. Now just do the exactly same thing again, except louder.”

Fluttershy started trembling violently, her eyes swimming with unshed tears. “Y – You want me to shout louder?” A second later her self-control broke completely and she collapsed onto the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. Rarity immediately rushed in to comfort her while Applejack just stood there in shock, trying to figure out what she’d said that provoked Fluttershy’s reaction.

Rarity alternated between whispering comforting words to Fluttershy and shooting dirty looks Applejack’s way. Fluttershy eventually calmed down enough to choke out an explanation: the way Applejack asked her to shout louder reminded her of Rainbow Dash.

No wonder she was crying. With how fast and crazy things had been going ever since our run-in with Celestia, they hadn’t really had time to let Rainbow’s death sink in. I’m pretty sure they were also trying to not to show how much they were hurting. Applejack wanted to stay strong for her friends, Fluttershy didn’t want Rarity and Applejack worrying about her, and Rarity was trying to keep it together so she’d be there to help when one of them couldn’t handle it anymore.

I wanted to go and do what I could to help comfort her but I couldn’t risk it. There were things I could say that might bring a lot of comfort to her. The problem was that anything I told her could mess up the entire operation. One of the nasty parts of doing this job is that sometimes you have to look at the big picture. As bad as Fluttershy was feeling right now, she’d feel a hell of a lot worse if Discord and Nicky won this thing.

Rarity guided the pegasus over to the food-laden table I’d been sitting in front of for a while now and did her best to distract Fluttershy from her grief. It seemed to work, and after she was done with her food Fluttershy began hoof-feeding Pinkie Pie. She seemed to find some comfort in nurturing the traumatized pony.

After a minute or so, Applejack joined us as well, tossing together a quick sandwich. “What I wanna know,” she declared between bites of food, “is how in the hay the Princess and all her soldiers found us so quick.”

“There does seem one likely explanation,” Rarity offered. “Somepony must have told the Princess where our camp was. It is the only way we could have been located so quickly, and with not even a moment’s warning of the impending attack.”

“I betcha it was that polecat, Trixie,” Applejack immediately opined. “A liar and a show-off like her, ain’t no way you could trust her to be straight. Any of y’all see her anywhere in camp when the guards hit us? ‘Course you didn’t, ‘cause she already done run off. Figures she’d sell us down the river to save her own hide once things got a little rough.”

“It is a possibility,” Rarity conceded. “However, I think it is far more likely that one of the guards Shining Armor brought in got cold hooves. They are sworn to serve the Princess after all, so if one of them had even the slightest bit of doubt that she was under Discord’s control...”

“Um, speaking of the guards.” Fluttershy’s words were slightly muffled as she tore a sandwich into bite-sized pieces for Pinkie’s benefit. “Do we really even know for sure that Shining Armor is Twilight’s brother? I mean, I’m not trying to call him a liar or anything, but Twilight never told any of us that she had a brother who was captain of the Royal Guard. He didn’t try to fight when the rest of Celestia’s forces arrived. Plus, he did try to hurt a filly...”

“C’mon now, he only did that ‘cause of the mind control, ‘Shy.” Applejack turned to me. “What do you figure Harry? Y’reckon it was Trixie that went and stabbed us in the back?”

“I don’t think we should jump to any conclusions.” I played the voice of reason. “We don’t want to end up blaming an innocent pony. Shining Armor probably played along with the guards so he wouldn’t blow his cover and would still be in a position to help us later. As for Trixie, I don’t think there’s any reason to suspect her other than the fact that you don’t get along with each other. If we go around suspecting everyone who’s on our side, pretty soon we won’t have anyone left.”

The ponies all nodded in agreement with my advice, and Fluttershy whispered out an apology. I felt just a bit bad about dismissing their worries, seeing as the main reason I wasn’t bothered over who sold us out to Celestia was that I already knew exactly who had done it. It was also the main reason I wasn’t too bothered about coming up with an escape plan.

Breaking out now would waste all the effort I’d put into getting us captured in the first place.

Victory makes people sloppy. It’s hard to stay constantly on-edge all day, every day – wondering if every shadow or blind corner is hiding spies or assassins just waiting for you to make one tiny little slip, fearing that at any minute the hidden enemies you knew were out there might finally make their move. It’s pretty much impossible not to start relaxing once that looming threat isn’t hanging over your head any more.

Celestia had won. The last remnants of resistance to her rule in Equestria were her prisoners. She’d already dropped the barrier spell she’d been holding around Canterlot, and I’m willing to bet that a lot of the other extra precautions she’d been taking ever since this whole mess started were being relaxed as well. The Guards could go back to working normal hours instead of pulling double shifts, and everyone else could finally start to feel like the crisis was over. After all the crazy stuff that had happened over the last few days, people would be jumping at the chance to believe that there could finally be a return to some semblance of normalcy.

Needless to say, the perfect time to strike was after the bad guys let down their guard.

We only needed three things to win, two of which were right here in Canterlot: The Elements of Harmony and Princess Celestia somewhere close enough for us to hit her with the Elements. That put us in a stronger position than you’d expect for a bunch of people who were effectively rotting in jail. The only problem we had left was making sure we had six ponies to use the Elements, and I had something in mind for that. There’s a reason Derpy hadn’t been in the camp when Celestia dropped the hammer on us.

I’ll admit, I was taking a big gamble on the handling the Elements of Laughter and Loyalty. Well, I was taking a big gamble on a lot of things, actually. The old fake surrender gambit is an incredibly risky move. Right now, we were completely within Celestia’s power. If I were up against the likes of Nicodemus, he would probably kill us all out of hand on the assumption that I must be up to something. Hopefully, even in her current corrupted form Celestia wasn’t capable of just walking through the door and killing us all in cold blood.

Celestia strode through the door right as that thought passed through my head, her expression grim. The universe just loves to taunt me with it's horribly ironic sense of timing. Judging by the course of my life, it also seems to hate me personally. Not quite sure what I did to piss it off.

She was exactly like she’d been the last time I’d seen her. To all appearances, the only thing about her that was the slightest bit off was that the subtle aura of power she normally carried wasn’t so subtle anymore. I wondered if she would eventually go through a more dramatic transformation if we didn’t free her from Discord’s control, like what happened when Luna became Nightmare Moon.

Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack all started to bow on pure instinct when the Princess entered the room, but halfway through the motion Applejack stopped. Very slowly and deliberately, the farmer stood tall and defiantly met the Princess’ eyes. Rarity followed her example, and I was a little surprised when even Fluttershy managed to stand her ground.

Celestia met their gazes, and her face melted into an expression of compassion that seemed genuine enough that the only reason I didn’t think it was for real was my long history of dealing with bad guys who could put up a good act. Not to mention the entirely justified sense of cynicism I’ve developed. “My little ponies, what lies has Nightmare Moon told you? I had hoped you were under some compulsion, but I see now that all of you acted of your own free will. Now that I have banished Nightmare Moon once more, I hope that I can explain the truth to you all and we can put this unpleasantness behind us.”

I wasn’t falling for her lies for a minute, but I couldn’t be sure about the ponies. After all, Celestia was a beloved leader whose subjects regarded her with near-religious reverence. Toss out a halfway plausible story about how she wasn’t evil and a lot of folks would believe her. Not because it was a particularly believable lie, but because deep down they’d never wanted to believe she had turned evil in the first place. “So, you’re saying you haven’t gone all psycho-crazy on us? If that’s the case, I’d really like to know why ever since we got back to Equestria, pretty much every single move you’ve made has been straight out of the evil tyrants’ handbook.”

Celestia turned her attention to me, and I felt a sudden, crushing pressure on my mind. She wasn’t trying to break into my head; she was just smashing me down with pure willpower. Not the first time I’ve had that happen – a lot of the heavy hitters from back in my neck of the woods like Odin and the Lords of the Outer Night could pull the same kind of trick off. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t do much of anything other than just stand there, pinned in place by her sheer force of will.

“Harry Dresden.” If not for the fact that her sheer force of will kept me paralyzed, I probably would’ve nervously swallowed at the way she said my name. Her tone contained a frankly terrifying mixture of incandescent fury and complete confidence in her ability to utterly destroy me. I did my best to keep that instinctive fear lurking in my bowels under control; if I pissed myself in terror because of a girly pony princess, I would never live it down.

“You arrived in Equestria shortly before my sister succumbed to Nightmare Moon’s influence once more,” the Princess declared. “I do not believe in coincidences. I do not know what role you played in corrupting her, but I can assure you that you will be thoroughly punished for your crimes.”

A second after delivering her promise of retribution for my imagined crimes she turned back to the ponies, and was all sunshine and smiles again. “Do not be afraid, my faithful subjects. You will not be punished simply for being deceived by the lies of Dresden and Nightmare Moon.”

I tried to say something to defend myself, but Celestia still had me pinned in place. I’m not entirely sure I could even breathe if she didn’t want me to. Fortunately, the ponies didn’t need me to point out the holes in her logic. “What about Discord and the Denarians?” Applejack demanded. “Y’can’t mean to be tellin’ us that all that was a load of hooey.”

“We only have Dresden’s word that the Denarians arrived in Equestria before he did,” Celestia answered smoothly. “For all we know, he might have brought them here himself. Perhaps they were in cahoots with him and had an eventual falling out, or perhaps when Dresden found himself faced with a conflict he could not win on his own, he dragged Equestria – and the four of you – into his personal war. Everything that you have suffered and all that you have lost has been a direct result of his actions. You have all seen the darkness that lurks within him, have you not? Do you doubt that if he felt it suited his goals, he would bring war to our peaceful land to gain the advantage over his enemies?”

I gave a little wince at that. Between my brief flirtation with the real Dark Side and the time I took Cadance hostage, I’d shown the ponies a fair bit of my capacity to do really nasty things. Sure, there was a huge difference between doing one or two questionable things in the name of the greater good and throwing an entire peaceful world into chaos for a tactical advantage, but the ponies might not see it that way. They might have picked up a better grasp on the nasty side of life than anyone that had never left nice and peaceful Equestria, but they were still pretty innocent. It wasn’t a sure thing that they would understand how big of a difference there is between a good guy who occasionally does bad things and a straight-up villain. Cartoon morality is usually a lot more black-and-white than the real world.

“Reckon there’s a possibility you might be right, Princess.” Even though I’d already anticipated the possibility, it was still like a punch to the gut when Applejack seemed to be on the verge of believing Celestia’s lies. At least, I felt bad until I noticed that she was looking shifty-eyed and the smile she was giving Celestia was far too wide. “There’s just one thing I wanna ask ya first.”

Celestia smiled benevolently at the farmer. I guess part of being brainwashed and crazy had cost her whatever skill she had at reading body language. “Anything, my little pony.”

“Where’s Rainbow Dash?” Applejack demanded.

“What?” Applejack’s sudden snap back to defiance seemed to have caught Celestia off-guard. Her composure only slipped for a second though. “Yes, Rainbow Dash. What happened to her was regrettable. It was not my intention to cause her death, but I had to stop her for the good of all Equestria. I take no pleasure in it, and regret that I could not even recover her body for a proper burial, but her death was necessary. I could not place her life above the safety of all my subjects. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.”

“Horseapples.” Applejack always did have a way with words. “The Princess Celestia we know and love would never think that way. No way she’d ever just kill somepony innocent ‘cause savin’ them was too dangerous. She’d find some other way of fixin’ it before she hurt Rainbow. An’ she sure as hay wouldn’t kill nopony.”

Celestia frowned and flinched a bit, just like I’d seen the other ponies do whenever they started fighting Discord’s control. For a second I dared to hope that maybe Applejack would actually be able to snap the Princess out of it. Sadly, it was only a passing moment; Discord had his claws far too deep into her brain for Celestia to snap out of it on her own. If she could’ve shaken free of his control on her own, Luna and Twilight wouldn’t be enjoying a vacation on the moon. And Rainbow Dash would still be alive.

“So be it then,” Celestia declared coldly. “If you side with Dresden, then you shall share his fate.” Celestia turned her back on us, and yanked the door open. “Guards! Escort the prisoners to the central square, and gather the populace! I will show my subjects that they need not fear a return to darker times by destroying the last remnants of Nightmare Moon’s reign of terror.”

The walk to the central square was one of the more unpleasant experiences of my life, and not just because Celestia had been shooting ponies off to the moon last time we’d been here. It’s not that the walk itself was particularly bad, but I could tell Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy were all terrified by the fact that we were about to be publicly executed. If not for the fact that all three were trying to be strong for each other, I’m sure even Applejack would have been crying. The prospect of imminent death can break just about anyone.

I wanted nothing more than to tell them to relax because I had a plan to get us out of this, but even if I didn’t have my worries about Celestia’s Intellectus and Applejack’s terrible poker face, I couldn’t really talk to them while we had a bunch of Celestia’s loyal guards surrounding us. Well, some of them might have been Shining Armor’s people – he was supposed to be getting the guards on our side and un-brainwashing the rest of the leadership – but it wasn’t worth the risk. As much as I hated seeing the ponies who had grown to be my friends scared, putting the entire plan at risk just to calm them down wasn’t worth it. I’d feel a lot worse if I ended up leaving Equestria under the rule of Discord and a brain-twisted Celestia.

We heard the crowd before we saw them. Celestia had really gone all-out for our execution; from the looks of things, practically every pony in Canterlot had turned out. Then again, not all of that was Celestia’s doing – I had my own reasons for wanting a big audience here too. It’s part of why I made sure Trixie hadn’t been in camp when Celestia’s people hit us. When you need to play a crowd, it’s hard to beat a showman. Showmare. Whatever. Let’s go with stage magician – that’s a nice species-neutral term.

We reached the large wooden platform sitting in the square (was it a gallows? No, Celestia wasn’t going to hang us. So what is the proper term, anyway? I guess I’ll just call it a stage). Shining Armor and Cadance were waiting for us at the top, along with even more of the guards. I very carefully avoided looking at either of them so we wouldn’t accidentally give anything away, though I was also trying to not be too obvious about not looking at them either.

Shining Armor was a potential weak link in the plan: from what he had told me, Cadance couldn’t block Celestia’s Intellectus the way Luna could. If she started suspecting Shining Armor, her Intellectus would make it all too easy to confirm that he was in on the plot. So the key was to avoid giving her any reason to suspect that there’s anything amiss. Intellectus might give you all the answers you could ask for within the area it covered, but first you have to ask the right questions.

I gave the crowd a quick once-over, looking for any familiar faces. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that Trixie was front and center, casually sitting on top of a large crate that just happened to be sitting in the town square. Pretty sure she’d put the crate there herself so she could see and be seen by everyone. That kind of prominent position made plenty of tactical sense considering her role in the plan, but I’m pretty sure her reasons for picking it out had more to do with ego than tactics. Oh well; getting this crazy-ass plan to work was well worth letting her milk her fifteen minutes of fame for all they were worth.

I felt a bit of relief when I spotted Cheerilee and the kids. Not only was it just good to know that they were alright after the attack on our camp, but the fact that they were roaming free also meant that Shining Armor and Cadance must have turned enough of the Royal Guard over to our side to make busting them out viable. Getting reasonably high-profile prisoners out of wherever Celestia had stashed them – and pulling it off without anyone finding out and getting word to Celestia – wasn’t the sort of thing you could manage unless you had just about everyone on your side.

Trixie wasn’t the only familiar face in the crowd. Lyra and Bon Bon apparently rode out the mess we’d left behind in Canterlot, and presumably Derpy or Trixie had filled them in on what the plan was. Most likely Trixie, since I hadn't seen the wall-eyed spy anywhere in the crowd.

That worried me a bit. Everyone had their parts to play in my master plan, but Derpy had the most important by simple virtue of being the only other pony I knew for sure could operate without having to worry about Celestia’s Intellectus. Since I didn’t have much more than a vague notion of how her Intellectus worked and what might limit it, I had to work off the assumption that anyone else who didn't have some kind of specific protection from it was vulnerable. That’s why I’d put Derpy in charge of securing what I hoped would be the knockout blow to Celestia’s regime.

Which could explain why Derpy wasn’t around. My plan depended on quite a few bits of wild conjecture and blind optimism being exactly on the money. Even if I was right, we didn’t have much more than a couple vague notions of where to start looking, so there was no guarantee Derpy could pull everything together in time. That’s not to mention the risk of getting spotted and losing the element of surprise – and when you’re trying to sucker-punch a being with godlike powers you really need the element of surprise.

The freedom of an entire dimension and the future of Earth hanging in the balance, and my plan to save everything had so many different ways it could go wrong that I couldn’t even count them all.

To hell with poker, this is high-stakes gambling.

A unicorn dressed up fancily enough that I had to double check to make sure that he was a he trotted to the front of the platform, pulling out a very official-looking scroll. “Harry Dresden, step forward.”

Being an obliging sort of fellow, I did so. If nothing else, it gave me a better view of the crowd. Still no sign of Derpy. Not sure if that’s good or bad.

“Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden.” I felt just a bit worried when my full name came out, but there wasn’t the usual weird shiver down the back of your spine that comes when someone uses your Name. There’s a lot more to a Name than just the name (if that makes any sense). The unicorn launched into an impressively long list of charges. “You have been convicted of the crimes of unprovoked aggression against Equestria, assault upon her highness Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, assault upon the soldiers and officers of the Equestrian Royal Guard, providing aid and comfort to a traitor to the realm, lese-majesty, sedition, blasphemy, destruction of royal property, and trespassing.”

“Is that all? And here I thought I’d done something wrong.” That got a chuckle out of a couple ponies towards the front of the crowd that could actually hear me. “Tell you what, how about you let me go for a day or two, and I promise that when I come back that list will be at least twice as long. Deal?” That got me a few more laughs.

Like most functionaries, the unicorn had his head way too far up his own ass to appreciate a good joke when he heard one. “This is no laughing matter! These are serious crimes, and you will die for them!”

I switched gears, and dropped into a faux-philosophical tone. “Aren’t we all dying, really? When you think about it, every single second you live brings you one second closer to death. So I guess that means we’re all dying for our crimes. You, me, everyone here.”

That pushed the fancy little bureaucrat into incoherent sputtering. People with small minds never did appreciate good philosophy. After several tries, he finally managed to form a coherent sentence. “Are you mocking me?”

“Eeyup.” Hopefully Big Mac wouldn’t mind me borrowing his catchphrase, but it just fit the situation so perfectly. That set the unicorn off into another round of sputtering. When he was still incoherent with rage after several second, I turned to Celestia. “I think I broke him. Do you have any spares, or do you just find the nearest unicorn who can somehow manage to kiss your ass while shoving his head up his own?” That won we a few more laughs from the crowd.

“I think I can manage without a herald for this,” Celestia answered quite calmly. “Now then Harry Dresden, I believe you are entitled to a final request.”

“I don’t suppose ‘surrender’ would work, would it?” I suggested hopefully.

“I’m afraid not.” Celestia had the slightest hint of a smirk on her face. Always nice to see a pony who appreciates some good smartassery.

“How about ‘let me go?’”

“Sorry, but you can’t use your final request to get out of being executed. It rather defeats the entire purpose of the process.”

I gave a philosophical shrug. “Hey, you can’t blame a guy for trying. So if I can’t get out of the whole dying thing, can I at least make request about how I’m executed?”

“That seems reasonable enough to me. Make your request.” As far as insane mind-controlled bloodthirsty tyrants went, Celestia was a pretty nice one.

“Kill me with the Elements of Harmony.”

That put a crack in her cool and in-control facade. “I beg your pardon?”

“You heard me,” I turned to the crowd and used my best stage voice. “The Elements of Harmony tap into the magic of friendship. What better weapon could you possibly need to deal with me? If I really am some sort of evil monster like you claim, then the Elements will smite the hell out of me. As an added bonus, if it turns out that the only reason I’ve gone over to the dark side is that I’m being mind-controlled or twisted around into doing it, then they’ll fix me up good as new. There’s only one reason not to use them: you’re afraid they might not work on me. If I’m the good guy and you’re the villain of the piece, then the Elements won’t do jack for you. Hell’s bells, they’ll probably end up smiting you if you try to use them.”

Just for a second she looked a bit worried, but it didn’t take her long to work her way out of the trap. “I think not, Harry Dresden. The only reason you would ever request your execution in such a specific way is because you have some reason to believe it will fail. I am no fool. You’ve turned the bearers of the Elements against me. Perhaps you’ve found some way to turn the Elements as well. Or you seek some other tactical advantage you can only gain by bringing the Elements out into the open. You do have four of the bearers at your side, so perhaps you believe that even after you’ve corrupted them they can still use the Elements against me. Whatever the case, I am not so great a fool that I would play right into your hooves.”

“Darn.” While I’d hoped she might actually fall for that one, I wasn’t optimistic about tricking her that easily. That was why I had plenty of other angles to hit her from; always have a couple backup plans when picking a fight with godlike beings. “How about you put down the sun instead? That way Twilight, Luna, and everyone else you’ve sent to the moon can watch. Actually, that brings up a rather curious point.” I turned my attention back to the crowd. “You say Princess Luna went evil, but so far all I’ve seen is a whole lot of eternal sunshine and not much night that never ends. Back when Luna was still running free, I expect you justified it all by saying that if you let the moon rise you might not have been able to put it back down with Luna fighting you. Fair enough. But that raises a rather interesting question: Now that Luna’s back on the moon and no longer a threat, why are you still keeping the sun up?”

That set off a round of concerned muttering in the crowd, but once more Celestia was ready with a counter-argument. “The normal cycle of day and night shall resume eventually. However, for the moment I believe it is best to retain continuous daytime until everypony knows of Nightmare Moon’s defeat. Otherwise, a sudden unexplained return to nighttime could cause a panic. We all saw as much when she managed to wrest control of the skies from me for a few hours at the height of her uprising.”

She still had an answer for everything. Super. Time to toss out the next topic. “That all sounds nice, but what’s your explanation for all the repression you’ve been tossing around?”

Celestia took the bait. “In light of the crisis caused by Nightmare Moon’s return, additional security measures were needed to ensure the safety of everypony. Sometimes we must sacrifice a little freedom in the name of security.”

Trixie took her cue, standing up on top of her box and dramatically yelling, “You sent Trixie’s little brother to the moon! He didn’t do anything wrong! All he did was mention Princess Luna’s name and next thing Trixie knows her poor brother is a convicted heretic, exiled to the moon! How could you do that to Trixie’s poor baby brother?”

Celestia tried to snap out a quick response, but her reply to Trixie was drowned out by several other ponies shouting about their own lost relatives. Lyra and Bon Bon were among the first ponies to start but it didn’t take long for the cries of protest to spread to the rest of the crowd. Nobody heard Celestia point out that Trixie didn’t even have a baby brother. Even if they had, nobody would have cared. Trixie was just the catalyst; the fact that she’d lied about her brother didn’t change the fact that plenty of ponies in the crowd had experienced that very thing. I’m not sure what Applejack thought of the fact that I’d used a couple carefully crafted lies to reveal the truth, but I can’t imagine she would approve.

As Celestia stared her mutinous subjects in shock, I took the opportunity to rub her nose in it. “You want to know where you messed up, Princess?” I waved a hoof across the rebellious crowd to emphasize my point. “You shouldn’t have argued with me in the first place. You’re the Princess, just kill me and be done with it. Instead you let me pull you into debate, let me start asking questions while you tried to prove me wrong. That got all the ponies thinking about which one of us was making a better argument and asking questions of their own. Once they start thinking that way, it means they’ve stopped thinking of you as the Princess they all have to automatically obey. Doesn’t matter how good your argument is, you stepped off the pedestal and make yourself just another pony with an opinion to discuss. You just lost all of that mystical authority you’ve been keeping this whole thing running on.”

Just like I’d hoped it would, that remark got under her skin. Like most people do when you point out that they just made a huge mistake, she overcorrected for it. “SILENCE! AS YOUR PRINCESS, I COMMAND YOU TO CEASE THIS DISPLAY AT ONCE!”

Oh my poor ears. Looks like loud voices run in the family, Celestia just keeps the volume turned a bit lower most of the time.

However, that much volume can be a handy thing when you’re dealing with a budding mob. Most of the ponies went from screaming at her to cowering on the ground in obedience. They’d been obeying Celestia their entire lives, and breaking a lifelong habit is pretty hard to pull off. Plus, it’s human (or pony) instinct to toe the line when dealing with someone who has all of Celestia’s natural authority. We’re social creatures, and part of that is having a certain natural hierarchy. Any competent leader knows all the little tricks that poke the instinctive parts of your brain and tell it that they’re in charge and you should obey.

If I hadn’t seeded the crowd with Trixie and a couple other people, Celestia probably would’ve stopped things right there. Between the respect she normally commanded and the raw authority she projected, she had completely cowed the mob. Fortunately, I had a couple tricks up my own sleeves (or wherever it is I keep my tricks when I’m not wearing clothes).

While just about every other pony in the square bowed and scraped, Trixie stood defiantly. If this were a Hollywood movie, she probably would have given some sort of epic speech about freedom and liberty, with a few thinly veiled political messages tossed in while inspirational music swelled in the background. I’m sure it would’ve looked very nice and utterly staged. Or maybe she would’ve gone the bare-bones route and given a big dramatic ‘NO!’

Instead, all Trixie did was stand up.

That was all she needed to do.

Lyra, Bon Bon, and the other ponies my side seeded in the crowd followed Trixie’s lead, standing defiantly against Celestia. For a moment the crowd hesitated – the mass of ponies muttering amongst itself and pondering what to do – but before long I saw other ponies standing tall. Ponies that weren’t part of the resistance.

Even though I knew it wasn’t a genuinely spontaneous thing, it was still a pretty touching sight to see the crowd standing up to Celestia. Sure the ponies were only standing up because Trixie and the others had taken the lead, but the fact remained that they were standing. Me tweaking the circumstances to nudge everyone into doing the right thing was really just a detail; I didn’t trick anyone into being righteous, I just made it a little easier. The hardest part is always being the first one to step up and put everything on the line to fight the bad guys. It’s a lot easier for ordinary people to do take the risk of doing good if they know they won’t be alone.

By being the first one to step up Trixie had taken care of that problem. It had been a little thing, but kicking up any sort of revolution is all about momentum. Most of the ponies here knew in their hearts that Celestia’s regime was in the wrong, but there’s a huge difference between knowing something is wrong and doing something about it. With Celestia’s slip into police state tactics, lots of good ponies were probably too scared to do anything. Plus, when you’re just one lonely person it’s easy to think that nothing you could do would make a difference anyway.

Once Trixie got the ball rolling, all those ponies who would normally be afraid or didn’t believe they could make a difference got that little push they needed to go from discontented to rebellious. And for every pony that stood up against her, another one found the courage to join the rest of the crowd in defying the princess. Pretty soon we had a nice little snowball effect going, and the entire crowd turned on Celestia.

I couldn’t resist feeling a bit smug about what I’d just pulled off. “You’ve lost, Princess. Your subjects are turning on you. Even if you take out me and the remaining Element-bearers, more ponies will rise up to take our place. You can’t stop the revolution; all you can do is add a couple martyrs to the cause.” I turned to the crowd. “Isn’t that right everypony?” It felt a bit strange to break out the pony lexicon instead of using good old normal English, but I was trying to play the crowd. When in Equestria...

Trixie was quick to take my cue. “If Harry Dresden should fall, The Great and Powerful Trixie shall bear the Element of Magic!”

I was expecting a couple more of my people (ponies – whatever) to chime in with what Elements they would take up to get the crowd into the spirit of things, but we’d moved past the point of needing to give the rest of the ponies any encouragement. Within seconds of Trixie’s statement dozens of ponies were shouting which Elements they would take, and within a minute it had gone up to hundreds – maybe even thousands.

For the briefest of moments, I saw a hint of shock and maybe even fear in the Princess’ eyes. It was one thing to have her citizens sullen, angry, and resentful, but now they were seconds away from going into full-scale rebellion. Her public execution plan had backfired horribly; instead of cowing her subjects into submission, it had pushed pretty much the entire populace of her capital into the rebels’ hands. In desperation, Celestia turned to the captain of her Royal Guard. “Shining Armor! Disperse the crowd!”

Instead of immediately leaping into action, Shining Armor brought a hoof up to his chin and turned to his girlfriend. “You know Cadance, I’m having a hard time deciding here. I think the Element of Loyalty would suit me quite nicely, but with Twily being my sister and all it really seems like I should take the Element of Magic. What do you think?”

“I think you would do wonderfully with any of the Elements, Shining Armor.” Cadance answered, keeping her own tone just as casual. “I admit I’m rather torn between Kindness and Generosity myself. I suppose we could just pick whichever Element there’s a particular need for at the moment.”

“That’s a brilliant solution Cadance.”

“Thank you dear.”

I have to admit, the look on Celestia’s face during the entire exchange was priceless. “Even you, Cadance? Shining Armor? Even you betray me?”

“It’s almost like everyone’s fed up with your tyrannical rule or something.” Smartass comments make every plan to overthrow an evil overlord better. “Save yourself and the rest of us a lot of trouble and accept your defeat gracefully.”

Sad to say, she didn’t take my advice. “No!” Celestia stomped a hoof hard enough to punch a hole through the wooden platform we’d been standing on, and I felt the ambient temperature spike up a couple dozen degrees. “Even if everypony else turns against me, I shall do whatever I must to protect Equestria!”

I could feel her tapping into her mojo. It was still every bit as terrifying as it had been when she’d thrown down against Discord. I suspect that with all of the Royal Guard and the entire city of Canterlot on my side we might be able to take her in a straight fight, but even if we won the end result wouldn’t be pretty. She was just that strong. Good thing we had better options on the table than getting into a slugging match with her.

Shining Armor dropped another one of his signature barrier spells over her; an instant later Cadance was right at his side, reinforcing him. In terms of raw magical muscle the two might not be a match for Celestia – but like I said before, Shining Armor is damn good with his barrier spells. Celestia unleashed several blasts of solar flame against the spell surrounding her, but barely managed to make a few cracks that Shining Armor fixed within seconds. With Cadance pumping him up, it seemed that he was strong enough to keep Celestia contained.

After a few more failed attempts to break out, Celestia switched tacks. “You cannot hold me indefinitely. Shining Armor will eventually tire, and then I will free myself and punish all who would oppose me in my efforts to keep Equestria safe. As amusing as your little display with the crowd was Harry Dresden, the fact remains that you have neither the Elements of Harmony nor all the ponies needed to use them.”

I shot a glance out at the crowd and felt a thrill of triumph when I saw a certain grey pegasus trotting up towards us, a cloaked pony walking alongside her. I love it when things work out. “You know Celestia, I would think you of all people would understand that the Elements of Harmony are more than just five necklaces and a tiara. Honesty, kindness, and the rest are all basic ideals that every pony believes in. I’m not one for a lot of faith normally, but that kind of belief has a ton of power. I’ve seen my share of holy weapons – stars and stones, one of my best friends is a holy warrior who used to carry freaking Excalibur – but it’s not the weapon itself that’s strong, it’s the belief behind it. The Elements are just a tool that focuses all that belief – the magic of friendship, if you will – into a single point and weaponizes it.”

Derpy and her companion moved through the line of unresisting guards to join the rest of us up on the platform. I resisted the urge to smile as I continued speaking to Celestia. “And as far as not having someone to use the Element of Loyalty goes...” I waved a hoof across the massive crowd of thousands of rebellious ponies. “I think we’re spoiled for choice when it comes to finding a replacement, don’t you?”

Celestia wasn’t even paying attention to me anymore. The cloaked figure at Derpy’s side had her full attention. “Who are you?” she demanded. “I see you, but you’re not ... why don’t I know who you are?” Looks like somebody’s Intellectus was letting her down.

“Aw c’mon Princess, don’t tell me you forgot about me already,” a wonderfully familiar voice came from the mystery pony. “By the way Harry; nice speech and all, but you were completely wrong on one point.”

The pony grabbed the cloak in her teeth and dramatically tossed it off, revealing a blue coat and a shock of multi-colored hair.

“Nopony could ever replace me!” Rainbow Dash declared.

“Rainbow Dash?”

“Rainbow?”

“RD?”

“DASHIE!” Looks like Pinkie Pie had just made a miraculous recovery.

“But – how?” Celestia gaped at the pegasus in shock. “You’re dead! I felt you die! I know you’re dead!”

“C’mon Celestia, think about it,” I chided the brainwashed pony. “You saw Luna casting a spell on Rainbow Dash. You must know she can mess with your Intellectus. If she wanted to give Rainbow a fighting chance to get away from you after she sucker-punched you, what’s the first thing she’s gonna do?”

It would’ve been nice if Luna could’ve pulled that trick off without throwing the rest of us off as well, but them’s the breaks. Anything good enough to fool Celestia into thinking Rainbow Dash was dead would have to be good enough to fool your friendly neighborhood mortal wizard as well. I didn’t put it together until Derpy told me her little story about how Luna could mess with Celestia’s Intellectus. I’m just glad Derpy managed to find whatever safehouse Luna had ordered Rainbow to go to ground at and get her back to Canterlot in time.

You’d think Celestia would’ve put it together before me. Maybe she’d been subconsciously fighting Discord’s control like I had. She might not be able to just bust free completely, but she could make herself miss one important little fact. That was all it took.

I looked over at the five ponies in the middle of an epic group hug (I hope the massive pony-pile doesn’t end up crushing her – we’d just gotten her back), and out at the entire city united in their determination to return freedom to their homes. I turned back to the tyrant. “Hey Celestia. I know we don’t have the six Elements of Harmony right now, but do you think six thousand ponies united in friendship is enough to do the job?”

I opened up my Sight. Rainbow Dash and her friends blazed with so much energy they were like a miniature sun of their own, while the entire city of Canterlot roiled with what looked like a rainbow-colored thunderstorm. The amount of raw magical friendship energy flowing through the area was like nothing else I’d ever seen before, and all that energy was just begging for someone to take it in hand and give it a little direction.

So that’s what I did. I grabbed every single bit of that magic I could find. I gathered that power until it felt like my body was about to explode into sunshine and rainbows, and then I grabbed some more. I didn’t stop until I had every single bit of energy the five Element Bearers and every other pony in Canterlot produced, and then I channeled all that power into a single spell.

It was a horribly sloppy and inefficient spell; the end result was probably downright hideous compared to what the Elements of Harmony could pull off, but I had one-point-twenty-one jiggawatts of the magic of friendship at my command. It didn’t matter that the spell wasted most of its energy in the process, because there was so much raw power behind it that even a fraction of its initial strength was enough to get the job done.

The timing on this spell would be critical: Shining Armor had to drop the barrier just as the spell loose. Too soon and Celestia could teleport away; too late, and it risked bouncing off of the barrier. I wasn’t sure if either of those would actually happen, but I doubted Celestia would stick around for us to find out.

I gave into the urge to toss out a witty one-liner right before I hit her. “Hey Princess ... taste the rainbow.”

With a nod to Shining Armor, I unleashed the magic of friendship (and Skittles) upon her.

Harry Just Doesn't Know What Went Wrong

I should've known things had gone too well.

I’d bluffed a being with low-level omnipotence and godlike powers, turned an entire city against its tyrannical ruler, and managed to deliver a knockout punch to an entity that could’ve wiped me out with a stray thought. Oh, and I did it all with the insanely risky fake surrender gambit which would’ve gotten us all killed if evil-Celestia had been a bit more of a pragmatist. For that matter, there were a couple thousand other places where the plan could’ve gone horribly off the rails and ended with one thoroughly dead wizard.

It would be just my luck too; at least the first time I died I got a epitaph on my grave. ‘He died doing the right thing’ isn’t a bad thing to have written on a stone over your corpse. ‘Done in by a pony princess’ just didn’t have the same ring to it.

Yet somehow – despite all the opportunities for my plan to backfire horribly – everything had gone exactly according to plan.

In hindsight, that really should’ve set alarm bells ringing in my head. I’m never that lucky. Usually when my plans work at all they go horribly wrong about halfway through, and I manage to pull off a win only after I’ve been beaten to a bloody pulp.

This time I came out of it without a single scratch on me. My plan had worked perfectly. If I’d been a bit more paranoid, I would’ve realized that there could only be one explanation for why things had starting going so well for me.

The universe wanted me to drop my guard. If you haven’t noticed yet, it seems to have some kind of personal vendetta against me. I’m not sure why. Occasional slip-ups aside, I’ve generally tried to do right by the universe, but every once in a while it still up and kicks me in the balls for no real reason. Or at least no reason the universe had ever bothered to tell me. Maybe it found my suffering amusing.

I looked down at Princess Celestia. It bears mentioning that she was fully conscious and standing up at the time. I also wasn’t in an elevated position relative to her. Our hooves were on even ground, and we were both standing reasonably upright by equine standards.

And I had to look down to look her in the eyes.

Apparently my Friendship Nuke came with a couple unexpected side-effects.

Instead of towering over everyone around her like she normally did, Celestia was about the same size as the rest of the ponies I’d been hanging out with. Her wavy multicolored mane had also been knocked into monochrome pink, and the aura of power she’d carried with her wherever she went was notable by its absence.

I think I might have broken the Princess.

Sometimes ‘Oops, my bad’ just doesn’t cover the sheer scale of how utterly wrong things have gone.

All the other ponies in Celestia’s throne room seemed to be taking the setback reasonably well. At least, nobody had gone into a full-scale screaming and panicking mode yet. I wasn’t even getting blamed for what had happened. To be fair, there hadn’t really been any choice in the matter; Celestia had to be stopped, and smacking her with the magical friendship bomb had been the only option I could come up with.

Still, the fact that all the ponies had thought things through logically instead of going all irrational and crazy was nice. If I’d been dealing with the Council, I bet half of them would be calling for my head, despite the fact that I’d just saved their collective ass. There are a lot of ungrateful dicks on the Council.

“So...” I hesitantly asked the Princess. “When you say ‘temporary loss of power,’ exactly how temporary are we talking? ‘Drink lots of water, go to bed early, and wake up the next morning feeling fine’ temporary? Or is it ‘by the standards of immortals’ temporary?” Lifespans that measure in the thousands or millions of years tend to result in a rather different perspective of what qualifies as a short time than you’d get from a mortal who’s lucky to hit a hundred. Even wizards start feeling the years once we hit our third century.

Despite being reduced to fun-size, Celestia still had every bit of her royal poise and presence. “I believe it will take a week for me to regain my full strength.”

A week. It might as well have been a year, or a century. Nicky and Discord were still on the loose, and they’d probably been causing all kinds of trouble while I was busy taking care of business in Equestria. I sure as hell couldn’t afford to wait a week for Celestia to get back up to full strength before I went after them.

I might have freed Celestia from Discord’s control, but Equestria’s rules were still breaking down. Even leaving aside whatever they might be up to on Earth, I had a feeling that we couldn’t afford to let Discord and Nicodemus keep doing whatever they’d been up to that was messing around with the basic building blocks of Equestria’s universe.

It was a bit humbling to realize that my hard-fought victory against Celestia was really just a preliminary to the main event.

A particularly worrying thought popped into my head. “Are you going to be able to bring Twilight, Luna, and everyone else back from the moon?” If Twilight and Luna were still stuck on the moon while Celestia was recharging her batteries, we were back to square one when it came to dealing with the baddies. Even if I could serve a substitute user for the Element of Magic, it wouldn’t be nearly as good as having the real deal handy. I had a feeling we were gonna need every edge we could get to pull off a win against Discord.

“Releasing the spells holding everypony on the moon should not overtax my powers.” Well that was a relief. “Bringing everypony back from the moon might be beyond my strength for the moment, but once Luna is no longer bound by my magic she should be more than capable of returning the rest to Equestria.”

Whew. Crisis averted. Good thing too; if I’d had to wear that girly tiara into battle I never would’ve lived it down. It’d be just like the donut thing with the Summer Court, which I had been mocked for by everyone from Donald Morgan to freaking Odin. If I had to go around wearing a big girly tiara, I just know people I’d never even met before would be poking fun at me for years over it.

“Alright. Super. Make with the magic and bring ‘em back.”

“I would be happy too, as soon as somepony stops distracting me while I’m in the middle of a rather delicate and complex bit of magic.” I caught just a hint of a smile on Celestia’s face when she delivered that line.

Never let it be said that I can’t take a hint (well, except for all the times when I couldn’t). “Gotcha. Shutting up now.”

Celestia closed her eyes in concentration, and I went over to stand with the girls. I suppose it is one of the inevitable side effects of this being a girls’ cartoon; characters more or less always defaulted to female. I’m pretty sure Shining Armor was the only other guy in the room. Seriously, the ponies were pretty cool and I didn’t mind visiting their home, but if I didn’t get out of here soon I was going to end up losing all of my man cards. At least I hadn’t started thinking pink frilly hearts were the perfect accessory for any outfit yet.

For a while we all just watched Celestia doing her work, but since that consisted of seeing Celestia sit down and concentrate it wasn’t long before some people started getting bored. Before long Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash started softly chattering to each other, and once they started talking everyone else joined in.

“So yeah,” Rainbow Dash was busy regaling her friends with the tale of how she’d survived. “Luna sent me this mind-message kinda thing telling me about a couple safehouses she had set up for if somepony needed somewhere to lay low for a coupla days. It’s a good thing Derpy showed up when she did, ‘cause I was getting really bored waiting around. It took ya guys long enough to send somepony to get me!”

“Well we wouldn’t have taken so long if somepony hadn't gone and told us you were dead.” Applejack shot a mild glare my way.

“Not my fault. Luna’s spell was good enough to trick Celestia – I never stood a chance.” Come to think of it, that was a pretty neat piece of magic. Assuming I got out of this alive and relatively intact, I’d definitely have to swap notes with Twilight Sparkle about how the magic systems in our worlds worked. The precision telekinesis and teleportation spells were cool enough, and then you start getting into stuff like weaponized friendship...

It’d probably take a lot of work to figure out, but if I could pull it off I’d get a couple very interesting new magical tricks up my sleeves. Discord and Nicky might be the big issue on my plate for the moment, but there were still plenty of other bad guys out there. Most of my long-term projects had suffered a bit of an interruption when my old apartment burned down and I caught a mild case of death. Figuring out some pony magic tricks I could use back on Earth seemed like as good of a place as any to start getting new projects to occupy myself when the universe wasn’t doing its best to kill me in new and interesting ways.

Before we could take the conversation any further, Celestia opened her eyes. There was a long, awkward pause as we waiting for imprisoned ponies to start popping up, but nothing happened.

After a good thirty seconds of nothing, Applejack spoke up. “Beg pardon princess, but are you sure that spell of yours worked right?”

Celestia simply smiled and nodded.

When the missing ponies still hadn’t shown up after another couple seconds, Rainbow tossed in her two bits. “Well where the hay are they?”

“Patience is a virtue.” Rarity sing-songed.

Personally, I was keeping my mouth shut. With my luck, if I said anything all of them would pop into the room at the perfect time to maximize my apparent stupidity. When the universe is constantly out to get you, the last thing you need to do is start feeding it extra opportunities to show you up.

Rainbow Dash began impatiently tapping a hoof against the floor. “Take it easy Rainbow. They’re coming all the way from the moon; it’s a bit more work than just walking through the door.”

An instant after I said that, Luna and Twilight walked into the throne room through the front door. I guess I’d said something close enough to trigger the universe’s ‘make Harry look like an idiot’ law. I swear, if I could find a way to kill God while making myself look like a complete moron, the plan might actually work.

“GREETINGS SISTER! WE ARE PLEASED TO SEE THAT THY MIND HATH BEEN FREED FROM DISCORD’S WICKED SORCERY!” I swear, Luna had gotten even louder than she’d been the last time I’d seen her.

At least Luna didn’t seem to be suffering any ill effects from her return to the moon. I’d been a bit worried that going back to the moon after her thousand-year imprisonment wouldn’t be good for Luna. Then again, compared to being stuck there for a thousand years, spending a couple days on the moon was probably small potatoes.

Unfortunately, it didn’t look like Twilight had weathered her stay on the moon as well as Luna. Her mane being disarray and a generally disheveled appearance was to be expected after being stuck on the moon, but what had me worried was her body language. She looked scared. Not flighty and nervous like Fluttershy usually was, more like a skittish wild animal that was one loud noise away from making a break for it. Okay, so Fluttershy was probably one loud noise away from panic too, but with Twilight it seemed more ... feral. Like her fight-or-flight reflexes were on at full strength.

At first I thought she had just been deferentially following behind the Princess of the Night, but now that I looked a bit closer I noticed that she was keeping Luna between herself and Celestia, Cadance, and Shining Armor.

That wasn’t exactly a good sign. From what I’d picked up, Twilight had been a prisoner in Canterlot for a while before she’d been catapulted to the moon. Having the mentor she idolized and her big brother under Discord’s mind-whammy sounds like a recipe for some broken pedestals.

“There are matters we would discuss with our sister in private,” Luna announced, thankfully turning down the volume a bit. “We also believe the Bearers of Harmony would like the opportunity to welcome back a companion who has been too long absent from their midst.”

Now that Luna had given them tacit permission, the girls immediately swarmed over Twilight and pulled her into a group hug. Somehow, the mass of hugging ponies managed to move out towards the door without breaking the group hug. Ponies seem to have a real fondness for group hugs – at least I wasn’t getting pulled into this one.

Eventually the group hug ended, and the girls all began chattering at Twilight so rapid-fire I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. At first Twilight still seemed a bit on edge, but talking to her friends seemed to be having a therapeutic effect. Before long she was back to normal, laughing along with the others as Pinkie and Rainbow went into a very exaggerated and over-the-top account of their adventures while Twilight was gone.

Well that was a relief. Whatever trauma Twilight picked up while we’d been separated, being around her friends was at least taking the edge off of it. It might sound cold-hearted, but as long as her damage didn’t make her completely incapable of functioning that was good enough for now. We would have to wait until later to be deal with any trauma that didn’t get in the way of saving the multiverse. It might not be the nicest way of thinking, but those are the facts.

Once the group-hug and welcome back storm faded, Celestia stepped forward with a gentle smile. “Twilight Sparkle, I–”

Before she could get any further Twilight let out a shriek of pure terror. The scream startled her friends, and they backed away from her on pure instinct. A second later Celestia was flying away. She didn’t stop when she hit the first wall. Or the second one.

Shining Armor instinctively stepped towards his sister. “Hey Twily, what are you–”

Twilight took several stumbling steps away from her big brother, gasping in terror and wildly looking around for an escape route. When they weren’t darting around searching for a way out, her were fixed on Shining Armor with a mixture of fear and anger. That’s a very volatile combination. When I get scared and angry, I tend to set things on fire. Twilight seemed to prefer smashing people through walls.

First things first, we needed to get Shining Armor out of here before we found out if Twilight was going to take her best shot at making herself an only child. Fortunately for me, the guy had already taken note of Twilight’s reaction to him. He was very reluctantly backing away, accompanied by an equally sad-looking Cadance. The two of them followed Luna out the hole Twilight had put in the wall, presumably going to check on Celestia.

This called for a bit a revision to my earlier analysis. At first I’d hoped she might be alright, but if Twilight was so on-edge that she was lashing out at the Princess she needed some kind of help right now. Twilight had always been incredibly devoted to the Princess; no way she would go to the point of actually attacking Celestia unless she’d taken some serious psychological damage. Someone that fragile could crack way too easily if you pushed her buttons right, and it was a pretty safe bet that Discord would know exactly how to do that. He’d set up the scenario that had caused the damage to her, after all.

The rest of her friends were still gaping at the hole Celestia had left in the wall, shocked that Twilight had attacked her mentor. Fluttershy was the first to recover, and immediately pulled Twilight into a gentle hug. At first Twilight just numbly accepted the hug, but then she slowly brought her hooves up and began hugging Fluttershy back. Then the tears started. Fluttershy held Twilight and stroked her mane, whispering gentle reassurances.

I was torn between feeling like I should say something and thinking that getting involved would mean intruding on a very private moment. In any case, I’d probably just say something stupid that would end up making it worse. I’ve got a very mixed track record when it comes to crying women.

Once Twilight’s tears finally began to lull, Rarity gently approached. “What happened to you darling? How can we help?”

“I – Celestia and Shining Armor and Cadance – they–” Twilight couldn’t get any further before she started crying again.

I got the feeling we weren’t gonna get any answers out of Twilight any time soon. She needed some time to rest and re-center herself first. A couple questions to one of the guards told us where her rooms in the palace were. Fluttershy took Twilight into her bedroom, while the rest of us started looking around in idle curiosity.

Unsurprisingly, the place was packed with books of all sorts. On a whim, I took a look at the book occupying the room’s writing desk. Twilight Sparkle’s Journal # 37 (1001.327 – ). My keen detective skills told me that the journal she’d been writing in just might give us some insight into what had been going with Twilight recently. Well, unless it was one of those evil magical journals that was really serving as a container for the soul of a legendary dark wizard. Wizards named Harry have a bit of a bad record with those.

Lucky for me, there weren’t any nasty magical surprises waiting for me when opened up the diary. Honestly, I’d kind of expected something; most girls are a bit protective of their diaries. Oh well, whatever.

1001.327, 3:21:56 pm

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie played anotherprank on me! Honestly, those two can be so –

Right, as amusing as the stories of their daily life could be, that wasn’t what I needed. Best skip ahead a bit. After a couple minutes I found what I was looking for. I don’t know when she’d had time to make an entry in her diary about me and Lash arriving in Equestria. I checked the next entry after that.

1001.345, 10:13:42 am

I woke up in Canterlot, which was a huge surprise. Cadance was waiting for me to wake up. Yes the Cadance! Greatest foalsitter in the history of all foalsitters! And she told me she’s dating Shining Armor! We’re gonna be sisters one day!

Gotta go now, Cadance went to go get Princess Celestia as soon as I woke up. I just had to write down the good news while I waited. I can’t wait to see the Princess again!

1001.345 12:42:13 pm

I’m worried about my friends.

The Princess told me that we were able to beat Discord, but I got knocked out during the fighting. I’m not sure howit happened, but if it caused a concussion a little bit of short-term memory loss would not be unusual. The whole fight’s a little fuzzy, but I’m sure it’ll all come back to me before too long.

The Princess told me my friends are alright, but there’s another problem: apparently Discord managed to corrupt Luna after he ponynapped her from the palace. I remember how scary it was watching the fight between Discord and Luna when he showed up there; I’m still amazed we managed to beat him after we got the Elements of Harmony back!

My friends went out to deal with Luna while I was recovering. At first I wanted to go after them, but the Princess says they can handle the situation on their own and that she needs me here. She told me she was going to send Spike to join them too, so she’d be able to send messages to them and get answers. I guess they don’t need the Elements of Harmony to take care of the situation. That seems a bit strange to me, but if the Princess says they don’t need the Elements then I’m sure they’ll be fine. I trust her judgement. Still, I wish she would’ve at least let me keep my Number One Assistant.

In any case, the Princess wants me to help her here in the capital. I’d like to be with my friends, but right now the Princess needs me to work with her and Shining Armor for now. It’s been too long since I had a chance to spend time with my BBBFF (I still can’t believe he’s dating Cadance!), and working more closely with the Princess sounds like the most amazing thing ever. If she thinks my friends can save Luna on their own, I’m sure they can.

1001.345 7:31:29 pm

Shining Armor and Cadance asked me to have dinner with them. The meal was great, and finally having a chance to catch up with him after so long was incredible. We had so much to to talk about I never even realized how much I’ve missed him since I moved to Ponyville...

I still can’t believe Shining Armor’s story about how he and Cadance started dating. Well, it’s not that I can’t believe it; of course Celestia would know he had feelings for her niece, but I’m a little surprised she just told him to date her out of the blue. He must’ve been really surprised by that!

I had a really good time at dinner. Well, except for this one moment. It’s really not even worth mentioning, except ... well, it bothers me a little. We were talking about what’s been going on, and Cadance mentioned that there were a couple ponies who were actually opposed to freeing Luna from Discord’s control.

That seems really strange to me. Nopony sided with Nightmare Moon last time she showed up. Then again, the first time Nightmare Moon returned I was in Ponyville. Despite my first impression of the town, most of the ponies there are pretty sensible. In a big city like Canterlot though, there are bound to be a couple of oddballs.

What really surprised me was that Shining Armor and Cadance actually seemed really worried about a few crazy ponies. Everypony trusts Princess Celestia after all, so a few loons with silly ideas are harmless. I guess I could understand that ponies talking about supporting Nightmare Moon is worrying, but there’s really no reason to get so upset about it that you start talking about throwing anypony who sides with Nightmare Moon into prison. They’re just confused.

It’s not worth worrying over though. I’m sure Shining Armor and Cadance are just worried about everything that’s been happening lately and don’t really plan on arresting ponies just for disagreeing with the Princess.

1001.346 12:31:23 pm

I don’t understand what’s going on.

The more I think about it all, the stranger everything that’s going on is. If Luna’s really been corrupted by Discord and turned into Nightmare Moon again, why hasn’t Celestia had us use the Elements of Harmony again? I know she said we didn’t need them to free Luna this time, but Luna’s already been under Nightmare Moon’s control for longer than she was last time. I understand that the Elements are powerful and need to be used carefully, but we could’ve solved this entire problem by now if we used them!

Where are my friends anyway? When I asked Celestia she told me they were on an important mission for her to help save Princess Luna. What mission? Why can’t I join them? I know the Princess said she needs me in the capital, but I want to help my friends...

And speaking of everything that’s been going on in the capital, why are we spending so much time worrying about that? Shouldn’t we be focused on saving Princess Luna instead? What does it matter if a few ponies think Luna’s right and Celestia’s wrong? Once we free Luna that won’t be a problem anymore! Instead the Princess has me and Shining Armor and Cadance all working on finding out more about these ponies questioning her. It just seems strange to me.

And then there’s the sun! I understand that she can’t raise the moon while Luna’s corrupted without the risk of losing control, couldn’t the Princess do something to at least make all the heat and light less troublesome? It’s so hot outside, and it’s hard to get a full night of sleep when the sun’s always out.

I talked to Celestia about all my questions, and she answered everything and told me not to worry so much about all the little details. I know I can get a little caught up in things sometimes, but...

I’m starting to wonder if

I think she’s

Something’s wrong with

I want to believe her, I really do~~–~~but something just doesn’t add up.

1001.347 7:30 pm

The Princess sent me to find some of the ponies that have been saying Princess Luna is right and Celestia is wrong. She told me she just wanted to talk to them and explain everything, but a couple hours later I heard those ponies had been sent to the moon!

I’m sure they must have deserved it, but why did she lie to me?

Why didn’t Celestia tell me? I thought she was just going to talk to them! If I’d known she was going to send them to the moon instead I would’ve

I’m not sure what to think of what happened. They didn’t seem like bad ponies. I don’t think they deserved to be sent to the moon.

What happened to those ponies bothered me. I talked to Cadance about it. She’s a princess too, so I’m sure sure understands what’s going on better than I do. She told me that everything Celestia is doing is for the good of the realm. Even if it seems a bit wrong or questionable to us, we must trust her to do what is right.

Then she asked me if I trusted Princess Celestia. I’m not sure if I do anymore Of course I trust the Princess!

1001.348 3 am

The Princess sent me to find some more of the ponies who’ve sided with Princess Luna. I wanted to tell her no.

I don’t like doing this. There has to be a good reason the Princess is punishing ponies for being confused about what’s going on with her and Princess Luna. I still think it’s wrong I’m sure that the Princess wouldn’t be so harsh unless it were the only way to protect everypony.

Princess Celestia sent guards with me this time. She said they were coming with me ‘just in case anything happened.’ One of the ponies actually tried to run away, but the guards chased after him and caught him. I almost wish he’d managed to get away.

Afterwards, I went to talk to Shining Armor. I wasn’t quite sure what to say, but I felt like I had to talk to somepony about how worried everything that’s been going is making me. If I just keep everything bottled up, I’m going to explode.

The talk with Shining Armor didn’t go well. He said that questioning the Princess’ orders was practically treason. I wasn’t questioning her orders! I’m just worried that’s all. It’s only natural to be worried, with how crazy things have been lately. He didn’t have to get so mad at me for just being concerned and asking a few harmless questions.

I’m starting to think there might be something wrong with him and the Princesses.

Monday

I couldn’t sleep last night. I ended up going for a walk, and saw Celestia talking to the mailpony from Ponyville. I didn’t hear everything they said, but at one point they talked about how the Princess would ask me to take up the coin soon. What coin were they talking about? Why would they want me to have a coin? I feel like I should know the answer to that, but if I try to think too hard about it I start getting a terrible headache.

The Princes sent me to arrest some more dissidents today. This time it was a real prominent high-society unicorn named Fancy Pants. At least she didn’t send any guards with me this time.

All these arrests, all these punishments, it’s just too much!

When I found myself face-to-face with Fancy Pants, I just couldn’t do it. Instead of arresting him, I told him that Celestia was after him, and he needed to run and hide before she sent somepony else. I’m still not sure if I did the right thing or not.

The fact that I could deliberately disobey the Princess – and that I think it might have actually been the right thing to do – terrifies me.

I wish there was somepony I could talk to about all of this. Shining Armor and Cadance and Princess Celestia are all acting so strangely, and it’s like I’m the only one who notices. I went to mom and dad’s to try to talk to them about everything, but when I sat down with them I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything.

I don’t think it would have done any good anyway. They’d just tell me to trust the Princess, just like everypony else does. It’s like everypony around me has gone crazy!

Final Entry

This has gone too far. I don’t know what’s wrong with the Princess and everypony else, but what they’re doing is wrong.

I’d try to run away and find Luna, but Shining Armor has his barrier spell up around the city. I could probably break through it, but he would know if I did. So would Celestia.

I don‘t know what’s wrong with them, but I have to believe that whatever going on here, she’s still my mentor and he’s still my BBBFF if I can just sit down and talk to them, maybe we can still sort everything out. And if not ...

I don’t know what I’ll do, but I have to stop them before they hurt any more innocent ponies.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding and closed the journal. At least I finally had some answers about what had happened to Twilight. “Alright everyone.” Well, everyone except Fluttershy, who was still busy comforting the traumatized unicorn. “I know what happened with Twilight.”

“How’d ya figure it out Harry?” Rainbow Dash smirked at me. “Did you read Twilight’s diary?”

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

The pegasus let out a couple giggles before she answered. “Let’s just say it’s written all over your face.” She started laughing so hard she couldn’t keep in the air anymore, and was down on the ground laughing her ass off. Before long Pinkie and Applejack had joined her. At least Rarity was (barely) managing to keep herself from laughing.

When everyone in the room starts laughing at you, that’s usually a bad sign. I checked a mirror. Sure enough, the words ‘I am a very rude and inconsiderate pony who read Twilight Sparkle’s private journal’ were written across my forehead in bright, neon pink.

Huh.

Guess she had some magical defenses on it after all.

Well, getting rid of this embarrassing little curse should be simple enough. I closed my eyes and concentrated for a bit, getting a feel for the spell she’d hit me with. With a single little tug of magic I unraveled it. I opened my eyes and checked the mirror. The words were gone.

For about five seconds. Then they came back.

“Crap.” Looks like Twilight had put some effort into the nasty little trap she had on her diary. The ponies had themselves another laugh at my expense.

Well, time to get back to basics. A quick circle would cut off whatever magic she had powering the spell. I was most of the way done with throwing up a quick circle before I remembered that unicorn magic and human magic had a ton of different rules. I finished closing the circle anyway, but wasn’t all that shocked when it didn’t work. Oh well, no need to panic. There were still a dozen other ways to remove a hostile spell from yourself.

Once all of those failed too I started getting a little worried. Pretty much the only thing I hadn’t tried was shaving off all my hair to break any magical connection she might have pulled off using my hair for thaumaturgy. I don’t think I’ve seen pony magic ever use thaumaturgy though, and that branch of magic wasn’t really suited for defending a diary. The only thing shaving my hair was likely to accomplish was to give the words on my head a bigger surface to work with.

Well, if magic wouldn’t work there was always the mundane solution. “Applejack, can I borrow your hat?”

That prompted another round of giggles from the girls, which probably didn’t bode well for my chances. “I don’t know Harry...” Applejack was clearly enjoying a chance to needle me. “Don’t reckon I’d Twilight thinkin’ I had any part of you readin’ her private journal.” Naturally, this pushed the ponies into full-blown laughter again.

I save their entire world, and a couple hours later they’re all amusing themselves at my expense. I tell you, Rodney Dangerfield got more respect than me.

“Perhaps you could try using this hat instead Harry.” I felt a brief moment of gratitude towards Rarity, until I got a good look at the hat she was offering me. It was quite possibly the girliest piece of clothing ever. How could so much pink, ribbons, and flowers fit onto a single hat? Judging from the giggle she wasn’t even making a token effort to hide, Rarity had picked the hat out for precisely that reason.

Going out in public wearing that thing would almost be as embarrassing as just keeping the words on my head. Almost.

I’d been hoping that after I got out of wearing the tiara I might be able to salvage most of my man-cred. Apparently I’d been hoping in vain. With a resigned sigh, I donned the super-ultra girly hat. Rainbow and Pinkie cracked up again, but at least nobody would be able to see the words anymore.

About five seconds after I had the hat settled on my head, the words popped up on it instead, now in bright blue so they would still stand out from the pink hat. Applejack and Rarity joined the other two ponies rolling on the floor and laughing.

The racket the ponies were making must have finally been enough to knock Fluttershy out of nurturing mode, because she stuck her head out of the bedroom. “Sorry to bother you everypony, but could you please not make so much noise? Twilight’s trying to rest and...” Fluttershy trailed off as she finally got a good look at what was on my head. “Oh ... My.”

Fluttershy hastily pulled back into Twilight’s room and shut the door behind her. A few seconds later, I heard nervous high-pitched giggles coming from the other side. Great. Even Fluttershy was laughing at me.

At least the situation couldn’t possibly get any – No! Don’t say that. Don’t even think that. Anyone with a bit of sense knows that the instant that thought enters your mind...

The sound a guardpony loudly clearing his throat interrupted that train of thought. That pretty much confirmed that I’d caught myself too late. “The Princesses request that you join them at once in the throne room.”

Yup. Time for more humiliation.

With a sigh, I discarded the ultra-girly hat; it wasn’t doing anything but making me look even worse. “I guess running away isn’t an option, right?”

“You kidding?” Rainbow crowed. “I’d chase ya down and drag you back kicking and screaming. Best prank ever!”

“Yeah, we can’t let Luna and Shining Armor and Celestia and Cadance miss out on all the fun!” Pinkie agreed with her usual level of enthusiasm.

Nothing left for it but to throw myself on the mercy of the court. “Rarity, you know magic. Anything you can do about this?”

“Really now Harry, it’s nothing less than you deserve for trying to read Twilight’s journal.” Rarity declared, lifting her nose for an artfully haughty sniff. “A true gentlecolt would never violate a lady’s privacy. If anything, Twilight’s spell is a rather lenient punishment for the crime.”

“Eeyup.” Applejack agreed in a fair approximation of her brother’s voice.

Super. Just super. I don’t think there was any way to get out of this with my dignity intact. And even if there was, the girls would probably sabotage it anyway. They weren’t nearly done being amused by my suffering yet. We retrieved Fluttershy and Twilight from the bedroom, and followed the guard.

A few minutes later I walked into the throne room, the neon-pink lettering still glowing on my forehead. Celestia and Luna were waiting for us. Mini-Celestia looked a little worse for the wear from her close encounter with a stone wall, but it didn’t look like she’d picked up anything more severe than a nasty collection of bumps and bruises. I tried to play it cool and not call any attention to words plastered on my head. Maybe if I was really lucky the Princesses wouldn’t notice the bright neon-pink letters.

“GREETINGS HARRY DRESDEN!” Luna thundered. “DIDST THOU FIND ANY INFORMATION OF USE WITHIN TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S JOURNAL?”

Well, so much for that bit of blindly hopeful optimism. “I did learn a few things, yes.” Try to keep it serious. Strictly business. Maybe then they would –

“WE WERE NOT AWARE THAT TWILIGHT SPARKLE USED HER PRIVATE JOURNALS FOR STORING TACTICALLY VALUABLE INFORMATION. PERHAPS WE SHOULD SPEAK WITH HER ABOUT UPGRADING THE SECURITY SPELLS SHE PLACES UPON IT.”

“Yes,” Celestia agreed with a poker face to rival … I dunno, something with a really good poker face. “We wouldn’t want somepony looking in her diary without her permission, would we?”

Always nice to see a bit of sisterly bonding, but did it have to come at my expense? Then again, my idea of quality family time involved killing monsters with my vampire half-brother. Whatever happened to Parcheesi?

“So.” I desperately tried to drag the topic away from my ongoing humiliation. “What did you two want to discuss with me?”

“THERE IS A MATTER OF GRAVE IMPORTANCE WE WISHED TO SPELL OUT TO THEE!”

“And that is?” I had a terrible feeling that I was setting myself up for a punchline.

“I’m afraid my sister is right,” mini-Celestia supplied. “Things have come to a head.”

Oh god. Not bad puns. Anything but bad puns. Those are only funny when I’m making them.

“INDEED, ‘TIA! THERE ARE STILL PERILS TO FACE ‘FORE WE CAN COUNT OURSELVES SAFE ONCE MORE.”

“Well, Lulu?” Celestia said after a pause. “Please begin – you hardly need a written invitation.”

Twilight’s giggle caught us all off-guard, and the lavender unicorn fell silent when we turned to look at her. A tentative smile made its way onto Celestia’s face, but disappeared an instant later when her protege shrank back behind me. It wasn’t much, but it was progress; I guess I could take some bad jokes at my expense if it helped the healing process.

“Now, to business,” the (temporarily) smaller of the two sisters declared. I was thankful that the royal sisters seemed to have finally satisfied themselves. I don’t think my ego could have taken much more of a bruising. “We did call you here to discuss matters other than your choice of reading material.”

“IT IS THY INTENTION TO TAKE THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY TO THY OWN REALM TO STRIKE DOWN DISCORD, NEIGH?”

“Yeah, that’s the plan. Zap him with the Friendship Nuke, and put an end to all this.”

“WE REGRET TO INFORM THEE THAT WE CANNOT ALLOW THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY OR THEIR WIELDERS TO LEAVE EQUESTRIA AT THIS TIME.” Luna did her best to break the news gently, but it’s hard to convey gentleness at her preferred volume.

“What?” Rainbow Dash cried out indignantly. “You’re not just gonna let Discord get away with everything, are ya?”

“Harry just busted his flank to help us out.” Applejack tossed her hat into the ring. “Ain’t proper to leave him hangin’ when he needs our help.”

Celestia turned to Rainbow Dash and regretfully shook her head. “Discord is not the only threat to Equestria. There are many dangers in our world that are kept at bay by fear of me. Fear that will fade when news of my weakness spreads.”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack immediately began arguing right back, but I didn’t add my voice to the discussion. I could relate to Celestia’s position. I hadn’t realized it until recently, but a whole lot of the lower-level nasties avoided Chicago once I’d established a reputation for myself. That’s not to say I didn’t have more than my fair share of trouble, but most of it came at the hands of heavy hitters like the Vampire Courts and the Nickleheads. The little stuff like random magical predators or wanna-be warlocks usually wasn’t a problem for me, and when it was that was usually because one of the big players was backing them up. Like what happened with Sells and Kravos.

After I came down with a temporary case of death, all that changed. Once I wasn’t there scaring all the scum away anymore, they’d all swarmed to Chicago. It had pissed the hell out of me, seeing one-trick-pony warlocks and thugs like the Fomor running roughshod over my hometown and all my old friends working overtime just to keep things from spilling over into total chaos.

If word got out that Celestia was weakened, it would be blood in the water for Equestria – especially when you added in the civil war they’d just finished fighting. The Elements of Harmony were Equestria’s ace in the hole; sending away your superweapon when your kingdom is already vulnerable to attack isn’t a smart strategic move.

Of course, that did leave Earth in a bad spot. However, at the end of the day these two were the Princesses of Equestria, not Earth. I couldn’t ask them to sacrifice their own realm and endanger their own people just to protect my home. “I understand.” I didn’t like it, but I understood.

“It is only a temporary delay.” Celestia offered. “I should only need a few days to regain enough of my strength to deter any aggression against Equestria. Once my sister and I are certain that our realm is safe, we will do everything we can to aid you.”

“DISCORD SHALL NOT GO UNPUNISHED.” Luna added. “THE DELAY WILL GIVE SHINING ARMOR AND CADANCE TIME TO PREPARE OUR FORCES FOR DEPLOYMENT TO YOUR REALM. WE BELIEVE THAT THE BEARERS OF THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY WOULD ALSO BENEFIT FROM HAVING TIME TO RECOVER FROM THEIR TRIALS.”

I couldn’t argue with her there. The ponies had gone through the wringer over the last few days. Hell’s bells, I’d taken my share of physical and psychological bruises getting through all of this, and I was a lot more used to dealing with that kind of thing than a bunch of cartoon ponies. A couple days of downtime was probably for the best.

There was just one problem. That plan left my home twisting in the wind. I had no way of knowing what Discord and Nicodemus were up to back on Earth, but I was willing to bet dollars to donuts that they weren’t singing songs to little orphan children. I didn’t even want to think about all the damage they would cause if I took a week off for Celestia to get better.

There wasn’t much else I could do though. Trying to take on Discord without the Elements would just be an elaborate form of suicide. I guess I could always try seeing if Mab or one of the other heavy hitters was willing to take on Discord directly. The problem was, even if I could get one of the big dogs in my universe to break their usual rules and directly fight Discord, the collateral damage from a direct confrontation would leave a pretty big chunk of Earth as a smoking ruin. I guess it was an option in the worst case, but I’d still rather find another way.

Well, there was always looking around the Outside for someone else who could help. I still didn’t really know all the ins and outs of navigating the the Outside though. The Outside struck me as the kind of place that had a lot of potential for some very nasty surprises. That’s not to mention that there were some nasty Outsiders from the non-Fictionland chunk of the Outside with a very personal grudge against me. I really didn’t want to have another run-in with He Who Walks Behind; hell, the only reason I hadn’t died instantly when I first tangled with him was that he’d been deliberately throwing the fight.

Then there are the risks that come with running around in Fictionland. Sure, I could try going to comic-book land to grab the Justice League or something, but as a general rule most Fiction with Good Guys came with a relatively equal number of Bad Guys. Just introducing the ponies to the equation had destabilized things badly enough; add in a dozen more bits of fiction, and who knows what might happen. Stars and stones, the thought of Murphy going toe-to-toe with Heath Ledger’s Joker scared the crap out of me.

That’s not to mention that I had a feeling dragging in too much Fictionland stuff would probably have some nasty side-effects for Earth. Fictionlanders were still Outsiders after all. I’m no expert on the matter, but Outsiders are known for being pretty incompatible with Earth’s version of reality. I had a feeling bringing an army of them to Earth could cause all kinds of unanticipated problems.

Waiting until the ponies could help was pretty much my only option. Well, that or trying to steal the Elements and their bearers. Even if I did manage to get the Elements, there was no guarantee all six of the ponies I needed would go along with a plan to leave Equestria to (potentially) burn to save my world. I guess I could try to replace whichever ponies didn’t want to go along with the plan, or maybe even replace all of the ponies with my own friends. That sounded pretty risky to me though. Bottom line, none of my alternate solutions were good.

“So, what’s the game plan here? We going to just spend a couple days doing nothing while we wait to see if anyone attacks Equestria?” That sounded more bitter than I’d intended.

“INDEED. WE APOLOGIZE, HARRY, BUT ‘TIS NECESSARY FOR THE SAFETY OF OUR REALM.”

“Well that’s just great.” I snapped. “How many people you figure are gonna die back on Earth while you’re busy covering your own asses?”

Every pony in the room was staring at me in shock after that little outburst. I took a deep breath, and forced myself to reign in my temper. Getting pissed wasn’t going to accomplish anything other than burning bridges and giving me a chance to vent some frustration. The simple truth of it was that they wanted to protect their homes, just like I wanted to protect mine. I can’t really hold that against them. Back when I was younger and stupider I might have, but spending a couple months dead had given me a little more perspective.

“My sister and I understand your concerns, Harry Dresden. We will do anything we can to aid your realm without compromising the safety Equestria,” Celestia assured me. “Shining Armor and Cadance are already mobilizing the Royal Guard to watch our borders for any threats. Once I have regained my strength and secured the safety of Equestria, my sister and I will personally lead a force to Earth to help in the battle against Discord.”

So, there was going to be a pony invasion. Well, the press was gonna have a field day with that one. Going into the fight against Nicky and Discord with a pair of godlike pony princesses and an army at my back sounded like a pretty good way of doing things. Certainly better than trying to handle all of that by myself.

Shining Armor and Cadance walked into the room, each levitating a substantial stack of papers. “Princess Luna, here are the unit readiness reports you wanted to...” Shining Armor trailed off as Luna stepped forward and took the papers from him, revealing his sister. He took a tentative step towards her. “Oh … hey, Twily.”

Any other time, I would have thought it was a competition; Twilight’s impersonation of Fluttershy was second-to-none as she squeaked and backed away. Fortunately, she seemed less inclined to introduce her brother to the wall than her teacher, but her body language convinced Shining Armor not to press forward. She crouched, ears tucked back and her tail between her legs as she pressed against Luna.

Man. Even after giving Celestia a surprise inspection of the castle’s masonry, I hadn’t thought the damage to Twilight would be this bad. My inner gentlemen raged at Discord for hurting her like this.

“GUARD CAPTAIN!” Luna’s voice had the reassuring serenity of a particularly small avalanche. Surprisingly, it occurred to her to ease up a bit, and she put the paperwork down before continuing. “Ahem. Guard Captain. Sister. Dear niece. Might we recommend that thou grant Twilight Sparkle time to recover? We know not what happened in our absence; however...”

She trailed off meaningfully as Twilight pressed against her hindleg, eyes dancing back from one childhood idol to another with unbridled fear. Cadence tried to take another step forward, but Shining Armor stopped her with a shake of his head. Celestia was the most hurt of the three – the maternal gleam in her eye went unheeded as she saw the frightened creature that was once her prized pupil.

“My faithful student–”

Twilight whimpered and retreated even further behind Luna, and when the Princess of the Night turned to speak with her, I’d swear I heard someone crying.

Fluttershy went into comforting mode again, drawing Twilight into a gentle hug; she tried to get her out of the room, but Twilight broke the hug and retreated to Luna’s side. Luna’s horn glowed slightly as she and Fluttershy gently guided the traumatized pony away.

Discord and Nicky were going to pay. Call me old-fashioned, but no one makes a woman cry on my watch.

Well, technically Twilight was a mare. Whatever, still female.

Once Twilight was out of the room, everyone started doing their best to talk about anything other than her. It had to hurt her friends, seeing her like that, and anything that could distract them from that pain had to come as a bit of relief.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack pulled me aside and started whispering out a plan to steal the Elements of Harmony and run off to Earth with me. I could tell their hearts weren’t really in it though. As much as it rankled them to not be able to help me out, Equestria was their home. Most folks tend to be pretty attached to their homes. Still, it was worth seeing if we could spin this into an actual working plan and get the others on board.

“Hey Harry!” Pinkie Pie called out to me cheerfully, interrupting an argument between the two would-be conspirators about who should steal the Elements and who should be the distraction. “I got somethin’ to show ya. Follow me!”

I followed after the party pony, understandably curious to see what she was up to. Probably some sort of ‘Don’t worry about the evil trickster chaos god rampaging through your home’ party. Not really the kind of problem a party could fix, but I suppose there was no harm in humoring her.

A couple minutes later we were in a dark deserted corridor, and I was starting to get just a little curious about what was going on here. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but there was something that seemed just the slightest bit off about her.

I pulled up my Sight to check the pony out. The good news was that she wasn’t under Discord’s control and she didn’t have a coin. No idea how that could have happened again after the last time I’d freed her, but it’s never wise to rule anything out. However, there was definitely something wrong with her.

Pinkie’s aura, like most things associated with Pinkie Pie was normally a very bright and bouncy pink. Except now that aura was shot through with black and blood-red streaks that were slowly spreading like some kind of cancer.

I’ve seen plenty of magic that messes up someone’s mind or soul, but I’d never seen anything like this. The strangest thing was that I couldn’t see any outside force causing these changes. The closest thing I could think of was that this was some kind of natural internal change, except it was happening way, way too fast. People can change over time, but they don’t really change their basic fundamental natures all that much or very quickly.

It was like the very essence of Pinkie’s being was changing in a matter of seconds. That just doesn’t happen. People don’t go through those kind of massive changes that quickly, and certainly not without some kind of huge external stimuli. Whatever was going on with her was really weird, and really, really wrong. “Pinkie? You okay?”

The pony suddenly collapsed to the ground sobbing. “Don’t make me do it! I don’t wanna!”

Yeah, that definitely sounded bad. “Pinkie, what’s going on?” Until I had some kind of handle on the situation, there wasn’t much I could do to fix it.

By way of answer Pinkie suddenly tackled me and pinned me to the floor. A manic gleam entered her eyes as she pulled out a huge butcher knife from whatever pocket dimension she kept all her random things in. “Hey Harry! Wanna help me make some cupcakes?”

Harry Tries to Break the Multiverse

So there I was with a pink pony pinning me down and brandishing a butcher knife.

My life has gotten weird lately. Even weirder than normal, I mean.

I had no idea what was going on here, but I did vaguely recall a run-in with a similar sort of Pinkie Pie on our way to Equestria. The real Pinkie’s reaction was enough to tell me that the version of Pinkie that seemed just a bit too eager about making cupcakes was probably bad news. The fact that her idea of making cupcakes apparently involved holding me down and using a butcher knife was almost certainly a bad sign too.

I wasn’t exactly in the best of tactical positions right then. Pinkie had a lot more muscle than you’d expect from a girly cartoon pony, as well as an entirely too large and sharp knife in her mouth. I could try smacking her with some spells, but Pinkie was unpredictable on a good day and right now was a very bad one. If her Pinkie Sense let her dodge my first spell or she managed to pull one of her weird stunts to get away, I wouldn’t get a chance to try a second time.

When in doubt, get them talking. Seeing as she was normally a fairly nice cartoon pony, Pinkie Pie had probably never gotten around to reading the Evil Overlord List. Besides, if nothing else it would give me time to come up with a better plan, or maybe even for somepony else to find us and lend a hand–or a hoof, for that matter. I wasn’t in a position to be picky about who was saving my ass.

So, on to the buying time part of the plan. “So, when you say we’re making cupcakes, what exactly does that involve?”

“Well, first I’m gonna cut off that horn so you don’t use any of that annoying magic on me.” Pinkie chirped happily around the knife in her mouth. “Then I’ll take a couple souvenirs to add to my collection. Then I torture you for a while to soften everything up–and ‘cause it’s fun. And then we get to the best part of all, where I cut ya open and start gathering up the cupcake ingredients! Doesn’t that sound like tons of fun?” She sounded disturbingly upbeat about the entire process.

“Yeah. That sounds fantastic.” For once my knack for sarcasm might actually be keeping me alive instead of unnecessarily pissing people off. “I don’t suppose there’s any way I could convince you to pass on the whole killing me thing?”

“Nopey dopey!” Pinkie beamed at me around the knife. “We’re gonna have so much fun together! You know, until you die. Try not to do that too quickly, okay?”

Playing along with the psycho was usually a good way to buy time. “I’ll do my best. I do have a fondness for staying alive.”

“Yeah! You don’t even stay dead when you’re killed!” Pinkie let out an excited gasp that sent the knife tumbling from her mouth, and I resisted the urge to let out a manly squeak of terror when the point landed about a hair’s breadth away from my head. “Ohmigosh!” Psycho Pinkie continued on obliviously. “Since almost everypony thinks you’re dead, you should sing a song about how you’re still alive! I’ll get ya started, but you’ll probably need to tweak the lyrics a bit to make it work!”

When she was a couple lines in and fully occupied with a strange little song about how she considered this a triumph and was making a note about how big a success it was, I hit her with a magical sucker punch. “Forzare!”

The psychotic pink party pony (dammit, I’m thinking in alliteration again) went flying and bounced off the corridor walls, but somehow still managed to land on her hooves. An instant later she was glaring at me with fire in her eyes. Literally: her iris and pupil had turned into blazing fires. It says something about how jaded I’m getting about dealing with crazy cartoon logic that this didn’t even surprise me. Steam shot out of her ears, accompanied by a furious shriek. “Nopony interrupts a Pinkie Song!”

“Technically not a pony, just a shape-shifted human.” That didn’t quite have the calming effect I was hoping it would; if anything, that just made her angrier. I really should learn to stop provoking dangerous psychopaths some day.

The pony who looked entirely too scary for a bright pink cartoon character charged in, and only a hasty shield kept her off me. I tried to follow up with an ice spell to lock her down and give me some time to figure out what was going on with her and how to fix it, but somehow the pony just wasn’t there anymore.

I desperately looked around the corridor, but there was a distinct absence of hyperactive and currently hyper-violent ponies. Considering how bright and pink she was I was going to assume she probably wasn’t being stealthy; pink just isn’t a good color for camouflage. I’ve dealt with enough super-fast baddies to know the drill, so I immediately turned around and made ready to blast the hell out of her. Or at least, that’s what I would’ve done if she’d been there.

Huh. Usually the super-speed baddies love using that speed to hit you from behind. Then again, expecting optimal combat tactics out of an insane cartoon pony might have been unrealistic.

“Hiya, Harry! How ya doin’?” I did not nearly piss myself when I heard Pinkie’s voice right behind me. “I figured you’d look behind you when I disappeared, so I decided to pop up right in front of you. Except that now that you turned around I’m really behind you!” Curses, foiled by my own genre savviness.

I turned around once more, and found myself facing a single eyeball popping out of a tiny little crack in the wall. The result looked ... kinda freaky. Eyes aren’t supposed to do that kind of thing. A second later her other eye emerged from the tiny little crack in the wall, and then with a loud cartoonish pop the rest of pony came tumbling out. I really miss the laws of physics sometimes.

Now that I had her standing still right in front of me, I wasn’t about to waste an opportunity to hit with a spell. “Arctis!” A second later, there was a near-perfect Pinkie Pie ice sculpture standing right in front of me. The only part of her that wasn’t covered in ice was the tip of her muzzle; I know she can casually violate most rules of sanity, but I didn’t want to risk suffocating the pony. I just had to hope she wouldn’t pull off another one of those insane squeezing stunts.

She didn’t. Instead, she just casually took a step back out of the ice prison. She didn’t break free of the ice or anything like that, she just stepped back out of it like it wasn’t even there.

“Oh come on!” I’ve dealt with bad guys who cheated the laws of physics before, but this was getting ridiculous. It was like I was in a Saturday morning cartoon or something.

Oh. Right.

Pinkie’s mouth opened up impossibly wide and she swallowed the entire ice sculpture in a single gulp. “Mmm! Chilly.” The pony let out another excited squeal. “After I kill you, I can use the leftover ice and meat to make a frozen chili dish. Chilly Chili! And then I can add chocolate and cherries and chives! Chilly Cherry Chocolate Chive Chili! Doesn’t that just sound delicious?”

“I’d be happy to try some if you used a recipe that didn’t involve killing me.” It sounded like a horrible mish-mash of conflicting flavors, but eating bad chili was preferable to death. Well, unless the chili was really, really bad.

“Nopey dopey, you’ve still gotta die!” Pinkie announced with childish enthusiasm. “But maybe I could just chop off a leg or something and stabilize you for long enough to make the chili. Does that work for ya?”

“Not so much. I’m rather attached to all my limbs.”

“Picky picky,” Pinkie crossed her forelegs over her chest and pouted. I was tempted to try smacking her with another spell, but so far she’d just bounced back from everything I’d hit her with. There’s a reason I’d taken on her demonic version by covering her best friend in chocolate instead of getting into a straight-up slugging match.

I needed another distraction. Something that could take her attention off me, or maybe even snap her out of whatever was happening to her completely. Unfortunately, I was fresh out of chocolate and didn’t have Rainbow Dash handy.

Maybe it was time to stop playing it cool and try to challenge her directly. She’d made some kind of effort to resist whatever was controlling her before she went all psycho-crazy on me, so maybe if I played my cards right she would rally enough willpower to break free. Or it would push her over the edge into full murder-mode. It was a toss-up which one would happen, and my luck is generally pretty crappy when it comes to fifty-fifty situations.

Then again, one of my guiding principles in life is that an insane plan that will almost certainly get me killed is better than doing nothing and dying for sure. It’s worked for me so far, which I guess proves that my luck isn’t shitty all the time. Or maybe the universe just wants to keep me around for a little longer because it enjoys watching me suffer.

“Pinkie Pie, listen to me.” The psycho pony tilted her head at me curiously. “You don’t have to do this. Whatever’s controlling you, you can fight it.”

Pinkie just shook her head. “Dunno what you’re talking about there, Harry. Nothing’s controlling me; I’m just being the same Pinkie pony I’ve always been.”

“I don’t remember you whipping out butcher knives and talking about carving people up to make ingredients before.” I was a private detective before signing on as the Winter Knight; I tend to notice little things like people not being insane killers. “Come on Pinkie, you have to fight this thing!”

“Harry, you’re talking too much and what you’re saying is silly. Not funny silly, annoying silly.” In the time it took me to blink Pinkie tackled me to the ground, pinned me, and pulled a giant meat cleaver out from behind her back. “What do ya say we get started? There’s so much to do if we wanna get it all handled just right! Do you have any idea how upset Twilight and Rarity get when everything isn’t just so? I’d hate to disappoint them by making a mess of this.”

Pinkie casually mentioning her friends gave me a little bit of inspiration on what angle to work from to try to get her back to normal. “Hey Pinkie, how long do you think the cupcake ingredients you get from me would last anyway?”

“Oh, a pretty good while.” Considering the rate at which Pinkie could eat, ‘a pretty good while’ could be anything from several weeks to five minutes. “Why?”

“What happens after you run out of material from me?” Judging by the way her eyes widened and her grip on me slackened just a bit that question caught her off guard. “Will you start killing your other friends to get more?”

“What?” Pinkie shook her head hard enough to make me a little nervous about how much the meat cleaver in her mouth was waving around. “Nonononono. I would never hurt my friends! Never ever ever ever ever!”

“But I’m your friend, right Pinkie?”

The pony’s rump plopped down onto my hind legs as she paused to consider that. “Well yeah, I guess you are. But it’s not like I could just stop making cupcakes! I’ve gotta get ingredients from somewhere, right? I still like ya Harry, but your number’s come up.”

“So then if it comes down to it, you would hurt your friends just to get more cupcake ingredients,” I concluded.

Pinkie froze as my little logic trap closed in around her. I pressed the advantage. “There are only two options: Either you’re a pony who would hurt her friends just to make more cupcakes, or you aren’t. Which is it?”

“But ... but you don’t understand!” Pinkie shrieked at me. The sudden shout sent the cleaver flying from her mouth. Fortunately for me it was the dull side that hit when it bounced off of my chest, so I didn’t get anything worse than a little bruise. “I have to do it!”

“Why, Pinkie? Why do you have to hurt your friends?”

Tears started pouring from the pony’s eyes. “The script says so! I don’t wanna do it, but it’s in the script!”

Huh? Why would the script for a kid’s cartoon suddenly turn Pinkie Pie into a serial killer? It made no sense. Not unless...

Oh shit.

Well that explained a few things. Now I knew how Discord and Nicky were messing around with the basic rules of Equestria: they were on Earth. Where the cartoon I was currently stuck in was made. Compared to the sort of things Nicky usually got up to, taking over an animation studio and kidnapping a couple voice actresses was small potatoes.

From what I understood about how the connection between fictionland and the real world worked, whatever got written into the show back on Earth happened here. If Nicky and Discord had taken over the production staff for the cartoon, they could literally rewrite reality around me. If they aired an episode about Pinkie Pie going crazy and killing me, it would happen and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

At the end of the day, Pinkie Pie was a fictional character. Like every fictional character, she did exactly what the story said. If the script said she felt happy then she’d be happy, and if it said she was sad she’d be sad. Much like a lot of things I’d run into over the years, she had no real control over her own destiny or free will.

The thing is, I’ve run into critters that don’t really have free will before. Most of the big magical critters out there don’t; free will is a pretty uniquely human thing normally. However, there have been one or two occasions where I’ve managed to mess up the status quo. Lash is a good example of that–the shadow of a Fallen isn’t supposed to be mutable, but I’d gone and changed her anyway. I’d given her free will, a soul, and a chance to reclaim her angelic mantle on top of that.

The only reason that worked was because she was hanging around in my brainspace. Humans are good at changing. Well, at least compared to the rest of the universe we are. Mab is pretty much exactly the same now as she was a thousand years ago, but humanity has changed one hell of a lot in that time.

Pinkie Pie was no Mab though. She was a fictional character. And at the end of the day, fictional characters exist as part of the human mind.

Uriel told me once that watching me in action was like watching a child playing with hand grenades. In this case, he probably had a point. However, right now my options were down to playing with fire or letting Pinkie slice me to bits and leaving Earth to deal with whatever Discord and Nicky had in store.

Welp, time to see if this utterly insane plan would actually work. “Pinkie Pie. Who are you?”

The pony frowned at me. “That’s a silly question, Harry. You know me. I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“Pinkie Pie. Yes, you are Pinkie Pie.” Pinkie Pie was staring at me like I’d gone completely nuts, which was nicely ironic considering the circumstances. “Would Pinkie want to hurt her friends?”

“Of course not!” Pinkie immediately answered.

“But you’re going to hurt a friend if you keep doing this,” I pointed out. “If Pinkie Pie doesn’t want to hurt her friends, then why is she about to kill one of them?”

“Y–You don’t understand!’ the pony screamed at me. “I have to do it! The script says so! I don’t have any choice!”

Alright, here we go ... this was either gonna save my ass, fail spectacularly, or backfire horribly. I’ve faced worse odds. “You do have a choice, Pinkie Pie. You can choose to hurt your friends or you can choose not to, but whatever you do is your choice. So choose.”

“I–I...” Sweat poured down Pinkie Pie’s face and seeped into her eyes as they twitched. Even if she hadn’t been shaking from fighting...whatever it was for control, the cleaver in her hoof moved far more too much for comfort in sync with her heavy, gasping breath. Finally, she made her choice. “I’m not gonna do it! I don’t care what some stupid script says, I won’t hurt my friends!”

I braced myself for whatever was coming next. After several long seconds of nothing, I figured it was safe to conclude that the universe probably wasn’t going to explode from what I’d just pulled. Somehow, insanely, it had worked.

I’d just give a cartoon character free will. Hell’s bells, I’d probably given her a soul on top of that. Well, technically she’d just gotten a bit of my soul, but with enough time it would grow into a proper unique individual Pinkie Pie soul. Just like happened with Lash.

Souls are complicated things. Contrary to what a lot of people think, losing a chunk of your soul like the piece I’d just given Pinkie wasn’t a big deal. Stars and stones, I used Soulfire to boost up a lot my spells, and that’s basically tearing off chunks of your soul and using it as magical rebar to keep your spells going.

It’s not a big deal though; your soul grows back. As long as you don’t use up the whole thing or sell it to a demon, all it takes is a bit of decent living and good times to get your soul back up to normal. Happiness, joy, and all the other warm fuzzy emotions were great soul food. Considering that, Pinkie Pie’s soul would probably be up to full strength in a matter of minutes.

So the good news was, I’d broken Discord’s ability to control Pinkie Pie. Even better, I hadn’t torn Equestria to pieces in the process. Giving a cartoon character free will and a soul had to have some very interesting implications for the rest of their cartoon world. Too bad I had no idea what those implications were going to be. I did have a sneaking suspicion this was going to be another one of those decisions where years from now people would still be yelling at me and asking what the hell I was thinking.

The answer was simple. I’d done what I had to do. What I always did. I took a situation that should have killed me and found a way to turn it on its head and pull off a win anyway.

There was one last thing I need to hammer out. I was pretty sure I’d succeeded in snapping Pinkie free of fictionland’s limitations, but when you’ve got an upcoming throw-down with an evil god of chaos and a fallen angel being pretty sure just isn’t enough. Lucky for me, there is an absolutely 100% foolproof way of confirming whether or not Pinkie Pie had a soul.

There’s an old saying about how the eyes are the window to the soul. For a wizard, that statement is a bit more literal. If a wizard looks someone in the eyes for several seconds, it starts something called a soul gaze. It’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like: You get a look at the other person’s soul. Since soul gazes are tied into the Sight, it’s all about giving insight into who the person really is at a fundamental level. Just like with the Sight, once you see something it stays with you forever. I couldn’t forget any soul gaze I’d ever had, even if I wanted to (being able to forget the time I soul-gazed a Denarian would be nice).

Compared to most of the souls I’ve seen over the years, I don’t think I minded knowing that my glimpse of Pinkie Pie’s soul would be stuck in my brain forever. Pinkie soul was a nice happy little place. Slightly–well very insane, but in a good way. The kind of crazy that makes you want to forget about all your troubles and enjoy life. That’s really the core of who Pinkie Pie was; a happy pony who wanted to make all the other ponies around her just as happy as she was. It’s rare to find something with that much pure niceness, especially in my line of work. It’s been way too long since I got to use my Sight on something nice instead of something pants-crappingly evil.

I came out of the soulgaze with a smile on my face, while Pinkie stared at me in open-mouthed shock. One of the downsides of a soul-gaze is that it goes both ways. While I’d been getting a tour of the sunshine and gumdrops of Pinkie’s soul, she’d been getting a look at mine as well. I’ve never had the chance to look at my own soul, but from what I can tell it’s not a very pleasant thing to look at. I guess that figures with all the hell I’ve been through. It was probably even worse now, after all the things I’d done to save my daughter. There are lines a person shouldn’t cross, but with my little girl’s life on the line I’d taken a flying leap over them. I could tell myself my actions had been necessary or that I had done it all for the greater good until I was blue in the face. Maybe it was even the truth. But doing evil things because they’re necessary for the greater good doesn’t change the fact that you’re doing evil.

Pinkie Pie stared at me for several long seconds before she finally spoke. “Wowie wow wow, Harry.” Despite her energetic choice of words, the pony sounded oddly subdued. “That was–ya know what you need, Harry?”

“Lemme guess, a party?”

The pony nodded. “Yeah. But not just any party. Like, a super-duper stop beating yourself up so much party.” The party pony put a comforting hoof on my shoulder. “Ya really need to stop blaming yourself every single time something goes wrong, or you’re gonna spend your whole life being frowny-faced. Everypony makes mistakes, Harry. I make little goof-ups all the time! But getting all saddy-waddy about it doesn’t do anypony any good.” The party pony looked at me with a surprising amount of determination. “From now on, whenever you start feeling all sad you gotta tell me right away so I can fix it all up and put a big ol’ smile on your face!”

I couldn’t help smiling a bit at her reaction. I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised, considering the look I’d just gotten at her soul. Pinkie Pie wanted her friends to be happy, and I was one of her friends so of course she’d want to cheer me up after she’d gotten a look at how messed up I was. “Thanks, Pinkie. You’re a great friend.”

From the huge smile that appeared on her face, I was a bit worried she might actually explode from sheer joy; considering the general bizarreness of the pony, I certainly wouldn’t rule out the possibility.

There was no time for celebrating or joysplosions though. If Nicky and Discord could take over Pinkie, they could go after any of the other ponies as well. At the very least, there were five more ponies who needed souls and free will.

“A wizard’s work is never done...”

Things with the rest of the ponies went pretty smoothly. It probably helped that Nicky and Discord hadn’t written any of them into being psychotic murderers out for my blood with the ability to casually ignore the rules of physics and sanity. Plus we already had a strong bond of friendship after everything we’d been through together in the Outside and dealing with the warped version of Equestria Discord had left behind. All it took was a little push to turn them from cartoon characters into something more.

That just left the toughest pony of all to deal with. Well, it wasn’t anything about Twilight Sparkle herself that made this particularly difficult. Hell’s bells, under most circumstances she probably would have been my first choice. She did seem to be the leader of the little circle of friends, to the extent that they had a leader at all. That’s not to mention she was most magically adept of the lot; once I explained it all, she would probably understand what I was trying to do better than I did.

However, Twilight was damaged goods right now. Reading through her diary had made that fairly clear, and things had probably only gotten worse after whatever happened during her final confrontation with Celestia that resulted in a lunar vacation.

Plus, Twilight just hadn’t gone through the same sorts of experiences as the other ponies. While they’d all been running around outside of Equestria and seeing things they’d never seen before, she’d been stuck in her little corner of fictionland. That’s not to mention that all the time I’d had with the other ponies had given us a chance to really bond. A chance I’d never had with Twilight. That was gonna make this whole thing a lot harder to pull off.

I hesitantly stepped into Twilight’s room. The unicorn was lying on her back in bed, blankly staring up at the ceiling. “Hey, Twilight? Can we talk for a bit?”

She gave a startled little jump when I said her name. “Harry Dresden? What are you doing in my room?” A second later, her eyes narrowed in anger. “And why did you read my diary? That was private!”

How did she–oh yeah, I did still have that bright pink writing on my forehead that everyone had been poking fun at me for earlier. With everything else that had been going on, that little detail had kinda slipped my mind. “Look, I’m sorry about going into your personal belongings, but we needed to know what happened to you.” That softened her glare a little bit, but it didn’t look like I was completely off the hook yet. I guess I could understand; I had performed a pretty sensitive bit of personal snooping about some very unpleasant experiences she’d gone through.

It would’ve been nice if we’d had the luxury of time and been able to let her work through her trauma at her own pace. Unfortunately, time was something we were very short on. Twilight needed to recover and be equipped with a soul fast, or else Discord would just crank out a new cartoon episode where Twilight was the one trying to kill me instead of Pinkie. Or something else that would leave us in dire peril of perilous dire. Whatever dire is.

With the proverbial cat out of the bag about me violating her privacy, I figured that was as good a place as any to get started. “Twilight? I read about what happened to you. Do you want to talk about it?”

The unicorn rolled over on her bed, deliberately turning her back on me. “No.”

Well, that was about the reaction I expected. I do have a bit experience with getting people to talk about things they’re reluctant to discuss though. I hesitantly took a seat next to the unicorn. “Maybe it would help if you talked about it?” Twilight didn’t say anything, but she didn’t just shove me off the bed or some other negative reaction either. I guess that was progress. “Can you at least tell me what happened to you? After the part I read in your diary, I mean.”

The unicorn rolled over to face me and very slowly shook her head. “No.” After several long seconds, she nervously licked her lips and added. “But I can show you.”

As the light began flowing from Twilight’s horn, I struggled against the urge to roll my eyes. A flashback spell? Really? Of all the cheap narrative devices for a cartoon to use...

A second later, I was Twilight Sparkle. That was pretty damned weird. I’m still not quite used to being a pony in the first place, so suddenly being a female pony added a couple new levels of strange to the experience. It kind of reminded me of my experiences as a semi-ghost in Chicago, where I’d done a few quick possessions. It never stops feeling strange to feel all of your sense through another person’s body.

Twilight was walking through one of the palace’s many corridors toward a set of double doors I recognized all too well. She shot a tentative little smile toward her big brother at the head of the Princess’ personal bodyguard, and a second later she was walking up to the throne and the white pegacorn sitting up on it.

“Princess Celestia.” I could feel the twinge of nervousness pass through Twilight’s body. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

A warm, indulgent smile appeared on Celestia’s face. “Of course; I always have time for my faithful student.” She turned to Shining Armor and his guards. “Leave us.” The guards dutifully filed out of the room. If I had a stomach of my own, I’m pretty sure a sick feeling of dread would be building up in it as I put together where this was going.

“Princess, I...” Twilight hesitated for several seconds before she finally built up enough courage to speak her mind. “It’s–it seems like what we’re doing ... it isn’t right.”

Celestia went stock-still, the smile slowly fading from her face. “I must have misheard you, Twilight Sparkle. Could you repeat what you just said?”

Twilight took a deep breath, and when she spoke again there was a bit more conviction in her voice. “What you’re doing is wrong, Princess Celestia. You’re hurting innocent ponies, and I’m not going to be a part of it anymore.” Twilight was still scared, but she stood her ground. She knew that she’d already crossed the Rubicon. There wasn’t any more room for doubt or hesitation; she had said enough to commit herself to this course of action.

Celestia said nothing for a long stretch of time. She just stood on her dais and glared down at Twilight. Twilight flinched at the force of her mentor’s displeasure, and for a second I wondered if she would break and start babbling apologies or begging for forgiveness. However, after several seconds Twilight found some well of inner strength and stood tall, resolutely meeting Celestia’s gaze.

Finally, the Princess spoke. “I expected better of my faithful student. You are my faithful student, are you not?”

“Yes, of course I am,” Twilight answered. “I’m not–I don’t mean to be disloyal, but it just seems like we’re going too far here. Sending ponies, sending entire families to the moon just because they don’t agree with what we’re doing or say something foalish about what’s going on. Couldn’t we just explain to them that–”

“This is not some trivial affair like one of your friendship reports, Twilight.” I felt the unicorn flinch a bit when Celestia said that. “The actions I take here and now are for the good of entire realm. Now that my sister has gone mad once more, I need be certain that everypony is loyal to the throne. I had hoped that in my time of need I could turn to you for aid. It would seem that I expected too much of you.”

I could feel the tears building up in Twilight’s eyes. “Princess, I–”

Celestia cut her off. “I am extremely disappointed in you.” The Princess turned her back on Twilight. “Go back to your room, and don’t leave until you’ve realized just how unacceptable your behavior has been.” Those tears that had been building up in Twilight’s eyes were pouring down her cheeks now. “Once you’ve had some time to reflect on this and apologized for your shameful behavior, I will expect you to return to your duties. Until then, you have a lot to think about.”

Twilight’s hind legs collapsed underneath her, and her body was shaking with suppressed sobs. This had to be the worst thing that could possibly happen to her. I knew the unicorn well enough to know how much she idolized the Princess who had just verbally torn her to shreds. The worst part was, since the memory wasn’t over yet things might not have even hit their lowest point.

When Twilight didn’t move after several seconds, Celestia stomped up to her. “Twilight Sparkle. I gave you an order. Go. To. Your. Room.”

Twilight raised her head to meet Celestia’s cold, uncompromising eyes. I could still feel Twilight’s body trembling in pain, but there was something else about her now. A sense of strength in her spine, or the way her hooves were setting themselves onto the floor. Twilight was hurting, but she wasn’t broken. “No.”

Celestia glared down at her at her student. “What did you say to me?”

“I said no.” I could feel Twilight rallying again. As badly as Celestia’s words had hurt, she wasn’t going to give in. Twilight had made her choice, and she was taking a stand. “What you’re doing is wrong, and I’m not going to let you–”

Celestia took a couple quick steps forward, and I got a brief impression of something white and gold moving at a distinctly unhealthy velocity before it slammed into the side of Twilight’s face. The force of the blow sent the unicorn to the floor. It took her a couple seconds to actually process what had happened. The unicorn raised a forehoof to her cheek, fresh tears springing to her eyes. “You–you hit me!”

Celestia glared down at her imperiously. “I cannot accept defiance from anypony on this matter, Twilight Sparkle. Now is the time for unity. We can overcome Nightmare Moon, but not without sacrifice. Help me. All that you have done can be forgiven. Just help me, my faithful student.”

“No.” Celestia moved to slap her again, but this time Twilight was ready for it. When Celestia’s hoof was inches away for her cheek a purple aura snagged it and held it in place.

Celestia’s eyes widened in shock. “You would dare to use magic against your Princess?” A second later, there was a blinding flash of light and I felt Twilight’s hold on the Princess shatter.

Celestia didn’t give her a chance to recover. Twilight’s vision cleared just in time to see another hoof heading for her face that connected in a hit that made the last one feel like a gentle love tap. Celestia stomped down on Twilight’s horn, sending waves of agony shooting through her head as the alicorn cracked (the stuff unicorn horns are made of, not the misused term for a pegacorn). That probably killed Twilight’s hope of casting any magic until the horn healed.

Twilight screamed in pain, only to be cut off by a hoof to the gut. After a couple more hits, the battered unicorn managed to roll out from underneath Celestia’s hooves, desperately looking for some source of salvation.

Hooffalls echoed from near the throne, and Twilight’s eyes fell onto Shining Armor. I felt hope spring up within her. That was possibly even worse than the physical pain I could feel through her, knowing how desperately she was hoping her big brother would save her. Knowing that he was under Discord’s control, so he wasn’t going to do a thing to help her. Knowing that even more pain was coming for her and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I couldn’t even have the comfort of hating them for what they were doing. It wasn’t their fault; it was all Discord’s mind control. Stars and stones, the memories of this would probably torture them for the rest of their lives.

Twilight stumbled and crawled toward her big brother, holding out a single hoof imploringly. “Shiny ... please. Help me.”

Shining Armor took a step forwards, and I felt the beginnings of a hopeful smile on Twilight’s face. It was one of those basic rules of the universe: A big brother would always protect his little sister. That was their job.

Then the barrier sprang up around the throne room, locking Twilight in with the Princess. As Twilight was dragged back toward Celestia, I saw through her eyes the utterly impassive look on his face. There was nothing there, no love, no concern, no brotherly affection. He sat back and watched the scene unfold as casually as if Celestia were speaking to a recruit on the parade ground.

The betrayal hit Twilight like a physical blow. Being attacked by Celestia was bad enough, but having her big brother tossed in on top of that was too much. I was grateful that I was only experiencing the physical sensations of her memory; if I had to deal with all of her emotional and psychological pain as well ... I’d have probably ended up as damaged as Twilight was.

Twilight was trapped in a small confined space with Celestia, with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Even if her magic was still working, fighting back wouldn’t have been a realistic option. There was nothing she could do except take the hits, curl up into a little ball, and wait for the pain to stop.

I wanted to close my eyes, do something to block out what was happening to her. I didn’t want to see this. But there was nothing I could do; all of my senses were tied to Twilight’s memories. I couldn’t do anything to protect her or shield her from what was happening. All I could do was sit there helplessly as Celestia beat the living hell out of her.

I’ve been through plenty of rough stuff myself. You spend enough time fighting the monsters of the world, and eventually they’re gonna get you. It never stops hurting, but I’ve taken enough of that kind of thing to be used to pain. You live with pain long enough, and you learn how to push through it, to keep moving even while your body is screaming in agony.

But this was something new. I was stuck here helplessly watching what happened to Twilight. Not only was I stuck observing, I could feel everything that happened: every bump, every cut, everything. When Celestia slammed her into a wall, I could feel one of her ribs break. When she hit a column, I felt her foreleg shatter. When a regal white hoof slammed into her head, I felt her the fracture in her horn grow.

I don’t know how long it went on. I think she might have blacked out at some point. Or maybe it was me; maybe I just couldn’t take seeing all everything that happened to her. She was barely out of her childhood, and she was going through this hell. I’ve always gotten extra-wrathful when it comes to women or children being hurt. I’ve said it before, but I don’t think I’ve ever meant it more than I did right now.

Discord and Nicodemus were going to burn for this.

Finally, mercifully, the beating came to an end. “Twilight Sparkle.” The possessed princess towered over her wounded student, gazing down at her dispassionately. That was the worst part of it all; that she could administer such a savage beat-down while being ice cold about the whole thing. Like it didn’t even matter to her that she was tearing a pony who idolized her to pieces. “I trust that this has been another valuable lesson for you. Tell me, my faithful student, what have you learned? Have you learned the price of defiance? Are you willing to follow my orders now? Or must the lesson continue?”

“You’re wrong!” Twilight gasped. I could feel the pain that just speaking those few words sent lancing through her broken body. “What you’re doing is wrong!”

“I am the Princess.” Celestia wasn’t even breathing hard as she spoke in an even tone. “I am protector of the realm, regent of Equestria and stewardess of the sun. A goddess can do no wrong.”

A door opened down the way, and Twilight limped for it. A wall of flame cut her off, and she screamed and cradled her already-broken foreleg against her chest. The smell of charred flesh brought back some unpleasant memories for me, and if I could have I would’ve winced in sympathetic pain.

“Auntie!”

The flames were snuffed by a bright blue glow. Fresh tears sprang into Twilight’s eyes at the sound of Cadence’s voice, and she pushed herself towards the pink pegacorn with her back legs. Cadence galloped forward, her horn continuing to glow as I felt some of the pain in Twilight’s injuries fade away.

“How could she?” Cadence whispered. The pegacorn leaned down and gave Twilight a comforting little nuzzle. “Oh my poor little Twilight. Don’t worry sweetie, I’ve got you.”

“Cadance.” Twilight clung to the pegacorn like a terrified little child. Cadence looked up over her shoulder and shot a look at the ponies behind Twilight, and I felt relief flood through Twilight’s mind when the approaching hooffalls fell silent. Cadence’s horn never stopped glowing as I felt pain fade from the collection of injuries. Twilight’s charred hoof merely tickled on Cadence’s fur as she hugged her, and when the pegacorn hugged her back I only just felt the twinge of rib against lung.

“I don’t understand,” Twilight whimpered. “I don’t understand, I do–I duh–I–”

Cadance silenced her with a maternal shush and hummed a wordless tune that rang familiar to Twilight–one that stretched back years into her memory. Without stopping, Cadance looked up and shook her head, and I heard Celestia and Shining Armor retreat further back into the throne room. Twilight’s hug grew even tighter as Cadance kept humming.

“You cannot protect her,” Celestia declared coldly. “Not by yourself.”

Twilight clung even more tightly to Cadance, and the pink pegacorn gave her a comforting little nuzzle. “Twilight, sweetie? She’s right. I need your help here.”

Twilight trembled against her protector. “I can’t. I–she hurt me...”

Cadance smiled gently down at her. “Twilight...I’m so sorry.” Cadance’s horn glowed again, and an all-too-familiar little silver coin appeared. “I brought this for you, just in case you needed it. All you have to do is take it, and all your injuries will heal. Just take the coin, and you’ll be strong enough to stop her from ever hurting you again.”

Twilight almost took the coin. I didn’t blame her; the three Discorded ponies had tossed together one hell of a nasty setup. It was a classic ‘good cop, bad cop’ routine, except done with enough of an evil twist to it to catch anyone off guard. Leave Twilight scared, hurt, and on the verge of death, then offer her comfort and safety. All she had to do to secure it was pick up a single little coin. On some level Twilight had to know what the coin was. Even if Discord had erased her memory of the Denarii, the coins had an aura to them, something a magic adept like Twilight would notice. Even someone without a lick of magic in them could tell there was something not quite right about the coins.

But in the face of all that pain and fear, nobody could blame her if she took the coin anyway. It was the only thing that could save her from more suffering at Celestia’s hooves. That’s how the Denarians get you; they put you in a bad situation and try to convince you that the coin is your only way out. You know taking the coin is wrong, but you’re desperate enough to go for it anyway. It’s just a coin; what harm could it do? Even if it’s an evil coin, you could always toss it aside later, once you were safe. It wasn’t really a deal with the devil, just a temporary little indiscretion to get out of a bad spot.

It’s easy to rationalize your way into picking up a red lightsaber. Putting it back down again is a lot harder. I would know.

Twilight’s hoof stopped inches away from the coin. I could see her hoof wavering in hesitation.

“Take the coin,” Cadance urged her.

That was a mistake. If she’d just let Twilight keep thinking for herself, she might have given in. But instead Cadance made the same mistake the Emperor did back in the throne room on the Death Star. She pushed just a bit too hard. Enough to make Twilight stop and think for just a second about why Cadance was so eager for her to take this coin, and why Celestia and Shining Armor were just sitting back and giving her time to pick up this powerful magical artifact.

Twilight pulled her hoof away and looked up at Cadance. She didn’t say anything, but I could guess exactly what was going through her mind. Et tu, Cadance?

“Twilight, Twilight...” Cadance’s warm maternal expression melted into a mask of cold indifference, and the pain of Twilight’s injuries returned in full force as she was thrown backwards. “I always thought you would go places in life, but it seems you can’t see past something as shallow as petty doubts.”

Twilight scrambled backwards only to run into a familiar pink barrier; Shining Armor looked down on her, his face the sculpted image of impassiveness. She shoved back against him only for her broken limb to scream in protest. Celestia’s visage filled her gaze as she rolled away from her brother, and even from her gaze on the ground there was no mistaking the pegacorn’s frown.

“So be it. We will find another way.”

Celestia stepped forward, and the pegacorn’s horn flashed. I felt a sickening jerk of disorientation through Twilight’s body.

And then Twilight Sparkle was on the moon.

I returned to my body and staggered off the bed. Despite my best efforts, I didn’t manage to make it to the chamberpot before I emptied the contents of my stomach.

Once I was done, I turned around to face Twilight. The unicorn was in tears once more. “There! Now you know everything! Are you happy now?”

I wanted to say something to comfort her, but there are no words that can fix that kind of pain. So I didn’t bother with words. I just held her, and let her cry on my shoulder. Even if it felt like it wasn’t nearly enough, it was better than doing nothing.

After several minutes Twilight finally cried herself out. “What am I supposed to do now?” the unicorn moaned.

“I can’t make the pain go away. God, I wish I could, but I can’t.” She was still holding onto me, taking whatever shred of comfort I could offer. Twilight was damaged. Horribly so. It would take years for her to recover from what had happened to her. Maybe even her whole life.

We didn’t have years for her to heal. Discord and Nicky were already making their move. I couldn’t go around snapping every single pony free from the laws of fictionland. Even if I could, that would just be treating the symptom while the disease raged on. That’s not to mention that team evil was probably up to a lot worse than just messing around with cartoon-land.

Twilight didn’t have time to heal. If we were gonna stop Discord, I needed her functional right now. There was a way to do that. It was probably the kind of thing that would get any decent psychologist out for my blood, and it might even make Twilight worse in the long term, but it would get her up and running in the short term. Long term damage didn’t matter if we all ended up dead or worse in the short term.

“I know what you can do, Twilight Sparkle.” The unicorn looked up at me, her eyes full of desperate, innocent hope. Hope I was going to take advantage of, to remake Twilight into what I needed to save the day. “You can find the people responsible for what happened to you, and you can make them pay. Celestia, Cadance, Shining Armor, none of them were responsible for their actions. They were being controlled by Discord and Nicodemus.”

Revenge is a way of hiding from pain. As long as you’re focused on getting revenge, you don’t have to deal with the pain of what happened. I hate to say it, but that’s exactly what I needed from Twilight right now. For her to bury all her pain underneath a layer of furious determination to absolutely destroy the people responsible for what she’d gone through.

I buried my screaming conscience and pressed on. “That’s what you do. You find the people responsible for hurting you, and you hurt them back every bit as bad as they hurt you. After you do that, you make sure they can never hurt anyone again. People like Discord and Nicky won’t stop, not until someone makes them stop. Either we take them down, or they’ll put you and all your friends through hell just because they’ll get a giggle out of watching you suffer. You are Twilight Sparkle, and you aren’t going to let the bad guys get away with what they’ve done.”

Twilight considered what I’d told her and nodded very slowly. I didn’t meet her eyes; I didn’t want to risk a soul-gaze with her right now. I’d rather not know if what I told her had taken away some measure of the pony’s innocence. It wouldn’t be much compared to what Discord did to her, but I didn’t want to face the prospect that I’d taken away a little bit of her goodness and purity. Even if doing that was what it took to keep her alive.

Anger is something that’s helped me a lot over the years. It’s not a very pretty emotion, but it’s damn good when you need something to keep you going. Instead of thinking about how much you and everyone around you is hurting, you focus on going after the ones responsible for your pain. Probably not the healthiest response out there, but it keeps you alive and in the game.

The problem with anger is that–as a wise old muppet once said–if you’re not careful it can lead to hatred. Hate can do nasty things to a person. Even when it’s the ‘good’ kind of hate, like hating the bad guys for all the evil things they do. I knew an old Warden by the name of Morgan. He was a good guy, but in the century he’d spent as one the White Council’s cops and fighting against all the nasty out there in the world he had grown to hate the bad guys more and more. In the end, that hate had consumed him, and he’d started going after everyone he thought might be one of the bad guys. Then everyone he thought might turn into a bad guy one day. Then anyone who might one day have the potential to go evil at some unspecified point in the future.

He’d spent a big chunk of my life convinced I was pure evil and waiting for an excuse to lop off my head. He was one of the good guys at heart, but hate blinded him to basic reality. When I took down a warlock, he assumed I was killing off the competition. When I started a war with the Red Court to save the woman I loved, he assumed I must be working for the vamps. And ... well you get the idea.

And now I might be pushing Twilight Sparkle down that path. It was one hell of a risk and something I wasn’t proud of in the least, but I didn’t see any other way to get her back in fighting condition. No matter how bad she was hurting right now, anger and the desire for revenge would give her what she needed to get back up and take the fight to Nicodemus and Discord. I was giving the tools she needed to survive. I just had to hope they wouldn’t end up destroying her.

I passed the rest of the ponies on my way out of Twilight’s room. From how much effort all of them were putting into looking completely casual and disinterested, I suspect they’d been doing something else a couple seconds ago. “So, I take it you girls were listening in?”

“Of course not,” Rainbow Dash immediately reassured me with the most picture-perfect innocent look on her face.

“A lady does not eavesdrop,” Rarity answered primly.

“Nopey-dopey,” Pinkie agreed while tucking a ridiculously huge hearing horn behind her back.

Fluttershy opted for a high-pitched squeak proclaiming her innocence.

Sadly for the pony conspirators, there was a weak link in their group. I turned to the pony entrusted with the Element of Honesty. “Applejack?”

“Er...” The farmer didn’t even have to say anything. The guilt was written so plainly on her face that you’d have to be blind not to see it. The other four ponies sighed and applied hoof to face.

I tsked at them and lamented the fact that I had no finger to wave admonishingly. “And after all the talk you gave me about the importance of respecting Twilight’s privacy too. Shame.” The ponies all had the good grace to look just a little bit abashed at my chiding. After giving them a couple seconds to stew, I stepped aside and gestured toward Twilight’s door. “She could probably use some friends to talk to right now.”

Giving the girls a bit more friend-time bonding would help. I didn’t think tossing souls and free will their way would mess up their connection to the Elements of Harmony, but it didn’t hurt to make sure the bond was still going strong after the change-up. After everything we’d gone through to get the Elements and the ponies who used them back, the last thing we needed was for them to stop working.

Speaking of, we still needed to get the Elements themselves. While the ponies who were going to use them kept themselves busy with their girl-bonding, I headed for the throne room to have another word with the Princesses.

I didn’t waste any time getting straight to the point. “You don’t have a week; Discord’s found a way to hit Equestria from Earth. He tried getting Pinkie Pie, and I was barely able to stop him.” I made a point of leaving out the details; I didn’t want to embarrass Pinkie, especially after all the trouble that came from revealing what happened while Fluttershy was unwillingly working for Team Evil. Just knowing that Discord attacked Pinkie Pie should be enough.

“I can definitely protect the girls from what he’s doing, but anything beyond that is pretty iffy.” Well, there were probably some other ponies I might be able to equip with souls, but we were on something of a tight schedule here and I only had so much soul to spare. Especially since I needed my soul for any Soulfire I might need to sling at Nicky and company. Plus, you know, the usual things people do with their souls.

I trotted right up to the twin thrones and stood before the two ruling princesses. “The only way to keep Discord from coming after you is to go to Earth and take him down, so I need you to hand over the Elements and let me take the girls to stop him while there’s still an Equestria left to save.”

Celestia hesitated, and I saw something on her face I doubted many of her subjects had ever seen before. Uncertainty and fear. I guess it made sense, really: Through good times and bad, she’d kept her subjects safe for more than a thousand years. But Discord had beaten her. No, he’d done worse than that. He’d turned her against everything she stood for. That kind of defeat could shake anyone’s confidence.

Toss on an extra helping of guilt for all the things she’d done while under Discord’s control then season with a little nervousness over being stripped of her full power, and it was no wonder Celestia wanted to turtle up and play it safe. The idea of facing Discord again, facing the possibility of that he could break her once more...

Twilight’s damage might have been the most obvious, but she wasn’t the only one carrying scars from what Discord had done.

I wasn’t the only one to notice Celestia’s distress. I was suddenly grateful that the only ponies in the room were Celestia, Luna, Shining Armor, Cadance, and Derpy. I know a thing or two about how much trouble can come from exposing someone’s weaknesses in public. Celestia was going to have a hard enough time dealing with things as it was; the last thing she needed was for all her subjects to know how badly she was handling her situation.

I guess it was a good thing there were two royal sisters to run the show. Luna stepped up to the plate for her sister. She took a deep breath, and I put my hooves over my ears to be safe. “IN LIGHT OF THE DIRE NEWS BROUGHT BEFORE US BY OUR FAITHFUL ALLY HARRY DRESDEN, WE BELIEVE IT WOULD BE PRUDENT IF HE AND THE BEARERS OF HARMONY TRAVELLED TO HIS WORLD TO END THE THREAT OF DISCORD AND HIS ALLIES, THE ORDER OF THE BLACKENED DENARIUS. DOES ANYPONY HERE KNOW OF ANY REASON WE SHOULD NOT FOLLOW THIS COURSE OF ACTION?”

For a moment it looked like Celestia was going to say something, but she caught herself with her mouth halfway open and kept her peace. I had a feeling that for the next while the Princess of the Night would be the one running the show in Equestria, until Celestia had some time to deal with what had happened. That should make for some interesting changes.

To the relief of everyone present, The Princess of the Night opted to switch to speaking at a normal volume level. “Due to the ongoing need to restore order after the recent unpleasantness and organize a force for the venture to Earth, we must remain in Equestria for the moment. However, we have every intention of aiding you directly at the earliest possible opportunity.” Luna turned to her wall-eyed spymaster. “Valiant Derpy Hooves, thou shalt accompany Harry Dresden and the Bearers of Harmony upon this quest, and do all that is within thy power to aid them. Wouldst thou accept this quest?”

Derpy accepted her Princess’ orders, and a minute later the two of us were off to the vault to pick up the Elements. I guess if Derpy was going with us she needed a soul too to stop any nasty shenanigans on Discord’s part. I normally would’ve preferred to keep the group as small as possible, but Derpy was a pretty valuable pony to have along.

Besides, I owed her a muffin.

Taking Earth Back

“Oops, my bad.”

“Geez Harry,” Rainbow Dash grumbled at me, rubbing the side of her head. “Why don’t ya just watch where you’re...” She trailed off, staring at my face in confusion. “Hey, what’s up with your eyes? They’re all ... crooked and stuff.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.” Turns out there were one or two side-effects of sharing a soul gaze with Derpy. I’d never even known that kind of thing could happen. Hopefully my eyes would go back to normal before too much longer, because I was having just a little trouble seeing clearly right now.

Not that it was all bad news. At least my range of vision had gotten dramatically better. Depth perception, not so much. Thus, the occasional issues that had been cropping up ever since.

Someone tapped my shoulder, and with my eyes out of whack I had to crane my neck a little farther than normal to see who wanted my attention. Apparently, it was the Invisible Man (Invisible Mare? Invisible Mane?); no one was there. I felt a tap on my other shoulder, and again turned to see empty space. A sudden brush of something against my stomach made me gasp, bringing back some unpleasant memories from times I had to go to the Undertown beneath Chicago. I snapped my head down, only to knock my horn against the rather solid floor.

Stupid lack of depth perception.

I finally figured out what was going on when I spotted a certain pegasus with a prankster streak rolling on the floor and laughing her ass off at me. I guess I should’ve known that I was just too tempting of a target for her to pass up.

I was vaguely tempted to extract some kind of retribution on the pegasus, seeing as she was a bit too preoccupied with the aforementioned rolling on the ground laughing her ass off at me to maintain proper situational awareness. Sadly, we were interrupted before I could come up with a suitable form of vengeance.

“Hey Rainbow Dash.” Scootaloo cried out with the same enthusiasm she always showed for her idol. “That was an amazing prank!”

“Well yeah, it was one of my pranks.” Rainbow grinned as she soaked up the praise of her number one fan. “Of course it was gonna be awesome. Could’ve been a little bit cooler and let’s not mention the radicalness levels, but I was improvising. Now, if I’d had time to plan it all out...”

“It would’ve been twice as cool!” Scootaloo finished enthusiastically.

“Yeah, at the very least.” Rainbow buffed a hoof against her chest. “So, what’s up squirt? There a reason you’re here, or did you just wanna bask in my awesomeness?”

Scootaloo actually hesitated for a bit before she answered. “Well, it’s just that I heard you and your friends and Dinky’s mom were all about to go on this really dangerous mission and...”

Well, that’s my cue to leave. Rainbow and Scootaloo had some stuff to talk about, and I didn’t want to be a third wheel intruding on their private conversation. I trotted off to go find something else to do while I waited for my eyes to return to normal and all the other ponies to get ready to head for Earth.

I had more luck with first part of that plan than the second. My eyes gradually unscrewed themselves until everything was back to normal, but even after my eyes fixed themselves the ponies weren't ready to go. Apparently word had gotten out that we were all heading for Earth, and Scootaloo wasn’t the only one who wanted a quick goodbye before we left. Derpy was busy talking with Dinky and another unicorn that looked to be in her teens, Applejack and Rarity were chatting with their little sisters, Pinkie Pie was talking to the Cakes, and Twilight was chatting with a pair of ponies who I was reasonably certain were her parents.

I did my best to suppress any hints of aggravation at how long all the goodbyes were taking. I mean, I get it; things are about to get hazardous, and giving the ponies a couple minutes with their family was only reasonable. The problem is, we’re working on a schedule here. I have no idea how long we’ve got before Discord hits us again, not to mention whatever he and Nicky were up to back on Earth. I didn’t want to be a jerk about yanking them away from their friends and family, but the only way to protect their family and mine was to get moving.

I was about to reluctantly start breaking up family time when Fluttershy interrupted my train of thought. “Um, I was just wondering–if you don’t mind me asking, that is...” The pegasus nervously pawed at the ground a bit before she finally worked up the courage to ask her question. “Well–it’s just that I realized that while everypony else is talking to their family you don’t have anypony here.”

“Yeah, last I checked there weren’t any equines in the Dresden family tree.” Well, unless the horses on my grandfather’s farm counted.

“Oh, well–yes, of course.” Fluttershy bashfully looked away as she added. “I–I was just curious about whether you had anypony. Um–well, not anypony I suppose. Anyhuman? I–I just didn’t know if you had a family or not. Well, obviously you must’ve had some family but–um, I’ll just be quiet now.”

Well, there’s a question with no easy answer. The thing is, in my line of work having family can be a little hazardous. If you’ve ever read any comic books or seen the movies, you know that bad guys just love to get their hands on family members. That’s why I’d left my daughter in the care of a retired paladin whose home has literal guardian angels keeping an eye on it. It’s also why only a few people whom I trust implicitly actually know that she’s my daughter.

It was the opposite problem when it came to my grandfather. Being one of the guys running the White Council–and also secretly being the Council’s black-ops guy for more than a century–had left him with a huge collection of enemies. I’d like to think I’m reasonably badass, but from what I’ve seen of my grandfather in action he could still take me to school. Anything that could go a couple rounds with him and survive was probably more than capable of ruining my day unless I got lucky trying something crazy.

That’s not mentioning my half-brother, the vampire. At least in his case we didn’t have to keep our family ties secret for fear of getting the bad guys after us. With Thomas it was just politics–the White Court vamps had an uneasy sort of detente with the White Council, and there would still be a lot of nasty complications if it ever got out that we were related. I had more than my fair share of enemies on the Council who would just love to use the fact that there was a vampire in my family tree to undercut me.

There are times when I almost miss being an orphan. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade away the family I’ve found for anything, but with the way my life has always gone those family ties can really complicate the hell out of things.

With all the potential hazards that come with having a family, I was in the habit of keeping that information under wraps. The fewer people there were who knew about my family, the lower the odds were that the information would leak out.

On the other hand, the odds of Fluttershy leaking that information weren’t all that high. Besides, she and all the others were my friends. After everything we’d gone through together, she deserved the truth. “Yeah, I’ve got some family.” Fluttershy smiled at me as I continued. “No parents, but I’ve got a grandfather, a half-brother, and a daughter.”

“You have a filly? Oh how wonderful!” Fluttershy gushed.

For a moment I was tempted to make some kind of smartassed comment about how my daughter was not a filly, but I think we could just chalk that up to language differences. Then again, Maggie was about at the age where she might dream about about being a pony; she was in the cartoon’s target demographic, after all. She would be so jealous of the dad she doesn't know she has if she knew who he was adventuring with right now.

Fluttershy was continuing to babble happily about the fact that I was a father. All seemed to be going well until the uncharacteristically chatty pony suddenly trailed off with a confused frown. After a few seconds of nervously shuffling her wings, she finally gave voice to her concerns. “Um, this might be a personal question, but there was something I was curious about. It’s just that you said you had a daughter, but you never said anything about a wife...”

Oh. In hindsight, I should’ve seen that obvious question coming. Derpy was proof that single parents existed in the land of cartoon ponies, but last I checked most cartoons aimed at kids still assumed that the old-fashioned nuclear family was the norm.

I couldn’t tell the ponies what had actually happened to Susan. It would be hard to explain that I’d sacrificed her as part of a blood ritual without making myself sound like a complete monster. I’d been stuck in a no-win scenario, and that was the only way out. If I hadn’t done anything I and all the friends that had come with me–including Susan–would’ve died anyway. Then the Red Court would’ve murdered my daughter to fuel their blood ritual.

Susan and I had a lot of things that never got settled about my daughter, but if there was one thing we both agreed on, it was that we were prepared to do whatever it took to save our little girl. In the end, that’s what we had done. As far as I’d been able to tell, hijacking the Red Court’s blood rite and using Susan in it had destroyed the Red Court. We had stopped a war, destroyed monsters that had been preying on innocents for thousands of years, and most importantly of all, we’d saved our daughter. All I had to do to pull it off was cut the throat of the woman I loved.

It’s not the kind of decision you can really explain to someone who wasn’t there. Especially not one of the ponies who–despite everything they’d gone through recently–was still relatively innocent. A pony as gentle-natured as Fluttershy would never be able to accept what I’d done, not without giving up some part of that basic goodness that made her who she was.

Still, I didn’t want to lie to her. That didn’t mean I couldn’t spare her the unpleasant details. I seemed to be making a habit of that with the ponies. “She died. About a year ago.”

Fluttershy gasped and put her hooves over her mouth. It took nearly half a minute before she recovered from her mortification and spoke once more. “Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry! I never meant to bring up such awful memories.” After several more seconds of awkward silence, she spoke once more. “If–if you don’t mind answering, I was just a little curious. What happened to her? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to...”

I stuck to my policy of giving her the truth, but leaving out the unpleasant details. “Our daughter was kidnapped. Susan gave her life to save our little girl.”

“Oh. My.” Fluttershy hesitantly put a reassuring hoof on my shoulder. “You shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened, Harry. I’m sure you did everything you possibly could do to save her.” Ouch. Fluttershy was really twisting the knife, and the worst part was she didn’t even know it. She gave me a small, tenuous little smile. “I’ve seen how far you were willing to go to save me and my friends. With everything you’ve done to help ponies you hardly even knew, I can only imagine how hard you must have tried to save Susan.”

I didn’t say anything to her reassurances. I don’t know if I could bring myself to say anything. Instead, I just nodded silently. Hopefully Fluttershy would take my reaction as one of grief rather than guilt.

I’m not sure if I let something slip or if she was just sharp enough to read me anyway, but Fluttershy was staring at me with a concerned little frown. “Harry? Is something bothering you?” She didn’t even have to add that she was willing to listen while I told her about it, I already knew that.

I’ll admit, I was halfway tempted to take her up on the offer. I’ve never really had a chance to sit down and just talk about what happened. It didn’t help that most of my friends had been mixed up in the mess, and that things had gone pretty crazy on us in the couple days I did get with them while I was running around as a ghost. The Winter Court isn’t exactly full of the kind of beings you can discuss your psychological traumas with.

If I’d been back on Earth, I probably would’ve gone to Michael about the whole thing. When it came to any kind of moral crisis, you’d be hard-pressed to find a better man to talk to about your problems. There were two problems with that though: I wasn’t back on Earth, and just like the rest of my friends Michael might be a bit too close to it all. I’d put his eldest daughter, a young woman he had entrusted to my care, through hell in the process of saving mine. Michael was a good man, but like any father he might forget that for a few seconds when his children got hurt.

Fluttershy was nicely objective, though. If I needed someone to talk to about all my problems, about everything that had happened to Susan, then I could certainly do worse than to ask the pegasus to hear me out. The only problem with that idea was the trauma I would end up inflicting on Fluttershy. That’s ... kind of a deal-breaker for me. I’d already put the ponies through enough as it was; the last thing I needed to do was to start shoving my personal problems on them as well.

That didn’t leave me any choice but to be just a bit dishonest with her. “It's ... neither of us really knew our daughter until the day Maggie thought we both died. Susan and I both have enemies who would go after her in a heartbeat if they knew she was our daughter, the only way to keep her safe was to keep her far away from us. I’ve only ever seen her once, and even then I didn’t get a chance to talk to her. Not really.”

Next thing I knew, a pair of pony legs were wrapped around my neck. “Oh Harry, I’m so sorry that happened.” I have to say, the hug felt a lot nicer than I’d expected. It was just so ... genuine. After holding onto the hug for a few seconds, Fluttershy spoke once more. “You've been such a good friend to all of us, Harry. If there’s something else that’s bothering you, then you can feel free to tell me about it. And if you don’t want to, then I’m sure you have a very good reason.”

Damn, guess I hadn’t done such a good job of playing this one close to my chest. I guess I should’ve expected to become a target of Fluttershy’s nurturing instincts; she’d probably gotten a good enough look at my soul to know I was damaged goods. Fluttershy being who she was, she’d want to try to fix me. I didn’t have much choice but to tell her something that would hopefully sate her need to comfort me. “She thinks I’m dead. I'll never see her again, so her thinking I'm dead is the kindest thing for it. Maggie is with the best family I could have ever hoped for her to have. Michael is one of my best friends; I know he’ll take good care of her. Still, it hurts knowing I'll never be able to be there for her.”

I’m not sure if Fluttershy accepted that never seeing Maggie was all that was bothering me, or if she just decided to respect my privacy. Either way, she didn’t ask any more questions. It took nearly a minute before she stopped hugging me though. “I'm so sorry that happened, Harry. Is there anything I can do? If–if you would be alright with that, of course.”

“No, I can handle it.” Knowing Fluttershy, anything I even casually suggested would be pounced upon in a frenzy of niceness. Much as I appreciated her kindness, I didn’t want to burden her with problems that I really needed to deal with myself.

That’s when a rather interesting thought occurred to me. I wonder if Maggie watches the cartoon? Considering that it was Michael who first told me about it, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a regular fixture of Saturday mornings in the Carpenter household. “Actually, there might be one thing...” I was a little hesitant to bring it up since the non-Pinkie Pie ponies had only recently learned that they were cartoon characters–after I figured out that Discord and Nicky had taken over management of the show, I kinda had to spill the beans while I was soulifying them. Still, the ponies had taken the news remarkably well. I suspect it was just a case of them being a bit burned out when it came to shocking revelations. Still, there was no harm in asking. “I’m not sure, but she might be a fan of your show.”

Fluttershy’s eyes brightened up in excitement, and for a second I could’ve sworn I was dealing with Pinkie Pie instead. “Perhaps my friends and I could visit her sometime then? I would just love to have a chance to meet your daughter. I’m sure the others would too. We could talk to her and play games, and sing songs, and...” Fluttershy’s sudden burst of excited energy faded away as she trailed off and self-consciously adjusted her mane before very timidly adding. “Um–if it’s not too much trouble for whoever she’s staying with, that is.”

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.” Stars and stones, Michael had been almost as excited as his girls when Pinkie Pie first popped up in my basement. “I think she’d like a chance to meet some of her favorite cartoon characters, and it certainly sounds like you would like to meet her.” I doubt I’ll ever win a father of the year award, but giving my daughter a chance to meet some real cartoon characters should at least earn me a couple dad points.

I wonder what Mouse would make of the ponies? He was generally a pretty friendly and easygoing dogosaurus, and he’d gotten along well enough with Pinkie when she invaded my apartment. The fact that she let him clean up all the baking dishes she used probably did a lot to earn his good graces. With dogs, food almost always helps to make a good first impression.

Fluttershy looked like she was on cloud nine. “Oh, I can’t wait to meet your daughter. I’m sure she’s going to be a wonderful little filly.” I once again restrained my inner smartass when it came to her choice of terminology for Maggie. If I was talking to one of the other ponies I might have gotten snarky about it, but I don’t think Fluttershy would understand that I was just joking around. Part of being a responsible smartass is recognizing that some people (and ponies) just aren’t equipped to put up with all of my sarcasm.

I gave her a friendly pat on the back, taking appropriate care to make sure it wasn’t too hard or startling. “Hey, thanks Fluttershy. I owe you one.”

“Oh, it’s no trouble at all,” she assured me with a gentle smile.

The trip back to Earth went surprisingly smooth, considering the nature of the Outside and all. Journeying through anti-reality was never exactly a boring experience, but I’d done it enough times that I was starting to get just a bit jaded about the whole process. It probably says a lot about just how crazy my life is that going through a place that ignores everything logical and sane doesn’t even bother me anymore.

I commented to Pinkie about how surprisingly safe travelling in the Outside was, and the pony immediately looked at me like I was completely insane. When even Pinkie Pie thinks you’re crazy... “Harry, I’ve had to dodge, like a hundred grumpfles, a dozen mynarns, and a really nasty snarkle in the just the last minute or so.”

“Wait, a what, a what, and a what?” I swear, those names sounded like the kind of thing Pinkie Pie must’ve made up herself. “There’s ... things out here?”

“Oh yeah, bunches of ‘em,” Pinkie chirped at me enthusiastically. “You didn’t know about ‘em. Sheesh, I’ve got no idea how you got to Skyrim without dying Harry.”

Wonderful. More things trying to kill me, and I hadn’t even known about them. “I was following your trail.”

“Oh, that explains it.” Pinkie grinned at me over her shoulder. “Good thing too, a little orange and you would have hit a–” the next thing that came out of Pinkie’s mouth wasn’t even a word at all, just some kind of vocalization. Just hearing it made my ears hurt.

My curiosity got the better of my common sense. “Pinkie Pie, what is a ... that?”

Pinkie narrowed her eyes and frowned at me. “Trust me, you don't wanna know.” A second later she was all smiles again. “Besides, aren't you already gonna be in hot water with your Council for knowing silly willy things you silly willy shouldn't?”

She had two damn good points there. “Yeah, guess you’re right. Never mind.”

Did the completely insane pink party pony use logic just then? Maybe that whole soul thing was doing more weird things to the ponies then I cared to think about. Or it was just a case of a broken clock being right twice a day? Who knew with Pinkie?

What had gone wrong with my life when I was becoming concerned that a talking pink pony was using logic?

Pinkie already knew the way to Earth, but I was still doing navigation duty. Apparently there was more than one way to get back to dear old terra firma, and taking the wrong route would get us popping back up on the wrong side of the world. It was a lucky thing Lash and I had a handy-dandy magical connection to exploit for easy tracking. As far as starting points go, Lash was probably going to be somewhere I needed to be. It certainly beat just popping up at random. Knowing my luck we’d end up right in the middle of more trouble than we could afford to deal with right now.

We popped back into reality in the middle of a city. I had no idea where we were, except that it was cold, the signs were in English, and I was pretty sure it wasn’t Chicago. The mountains I could see off in the distance proved that rather conclusively. It briefly occurred to me that, for a wizard who could use the Nevernever to reach just about any point on the globe in a matter of minutes, I was woefully uninformed when it came to little details like geography. That, and the fact that the only languages I spoke were English and bad Latin didn’t exactly qualify me for much world-travelling. I should probably do something about that some day.

The skyline might’ve helped me identify where we were, if not for the fact that most of the buildings were upside-down. Between that and the pink clouds pouring down brown rain, I could take a reasonable guess that we’d found the right place. Still, it was a pity there was nobody in the streets I could stop and ask for information. I guess that figured though; when bad juju starts going down, most ordinary people have the sense to go home, lock their doors, and wait for the storm to blow over.

At least I was back to being human. It bothered me that I needed a couple seconds to get used being bipedal again. I suppose that made sense, though; I’d spent a good chunk of time stuck in pony form. Enough to start getting a little used to dealing with pony anatomy, and to not freak every morning when I woke up and realized that I was still a horse. At least re-adapting only took me a short little bit, compared to how long it had taken me to get used to being a horse.

I was gonna miss the unicorn telekinesis though. Well, unless I found a way to replicate it. Technically speaking, all I really needed was some basic force or wind magic supplemented with a lot of very fine control. I’d pulled plenty of neat little telekinesis-like tricks in the past, like pulling up a gust of wind to bring me my staff from across the room. Figuring out how to do it with more precision or using multiple objects at once was just a matter of control and concentration. Those are things any wizard can get better at if they’re willing to put in enough effort. After seeing some of the tricks Twilight and Rarity could pull with their precision telekinesis, I was willing to try.

Hell’s bells, if we all made it out of this in one piece I might see about getting Twilight to explain her teleportation to me as well. That would be a neat new trick to add to my arsenal.

A quick once-over confirmed that all the ponies were alright, and they still had their five necklaces, one tiara, and a saddlebag full of muffins. It would’ve been very bad if we’d lost one of those travelling through the Outside, or just plain forget and left the things we needed back in Equestria. Especially the muffins. There was one thing missing that I’d rather been expecting to see once we arrived Earthside though. “Pinkie, I thought we were homing in on Lash. Any idea why she’s not here?”

The answer to my question didn’t come from Pinkie Pie. Well, unless her voice suddenly changed from its usual high-pitched energetic chirp to a smooth and resonant male voice with an accent halfway between British and Middle Eastern. Since this was Pinkie Pie, I couldn’t entirely rule that out. “After the first Outsider struck, I took appropriate measures to prevent any further intrusion from beyond the Gates.”

I broke out into a cold sweat. Much as I would have liked to think it was Pinkie being random, I doubt she could pull off such a perfect imitation of the Gatekeeper. I turned around, and saw the all too familiar hooded figure that bore more than a passing resemblance to the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. The Gatekeeper was a big fan of the whole face-concealing robe of mystery look. “Greetings, Harry Dresden. I see rumors of your demise were, in fact, greatly exaggerated.”

“Yeah, turns out it was just a mild case of death. Kinda like the flu, except death-ier.” I always get smartassed when I’m scared shitless. In the past, running into the Gatekeeper would’ve been a relief. While it was hard to be sure with how habitually cryptic he was, I’d gotten the general sense that he was on my side. He’d gone out of his way to lend me a helping hand a couple times, and backed me up when I needed support from the Senior Council.

Thing was, in the past I hadn’t been flagrantly violating the Seventh Law of Magic. The Gatekeeper has that title because he’s in charge of keeping an eye on the Outer Gates; in layman's terms, it’s his job to make sure people don’t do exactly what I’d spent the last couple weeks doing. Odds were he knew that, too. Knowing things was part of the whole ancient and mysterious wizard package.

Not that he needed any cryptic old wizard power when I was standing in plain view with seven Outsiders. He’d pretty much caught me red-handed. Sure, I could argue that I deserved a pass on breaking the Seventh Law because it was necessary to stop Discord and Nicodemus, but the Council’s not big on making exceptions. Aside from the Blackstaff, nobody gets to break the rules, no matter how good their reasons are.

That goes double where the Seventh Law is concerned. Most of the other laws would only get you your head cut off for actually going out and doing something. Knowing how to perform necromancy was fine, as long as you didn’t go out and start building up your own zombie apocalypse. However, when it came to the Seventh Law just knowing too much could get you killed. Actually going out and actively consorting with Outsiders, like I’d been doing was a couple steps beyond that.

On a whim I tried to pull in a bit of magic just in case I needed to defend myself, but I got absolutely nothing. I guess it figures that if he could redirect my arrival from the Outside, he would drop me into some kind of magical trap. Oh well, fighting my way past a member of the Senior Council had probably never been a realistic option anyway.

My eyes fell on the ponies, who were all looking between me and the Gatekeeper with varying degrees of confusion and worry. Maybe fighting wouldn’t be completely hopeless after all. The ponies were surprisingly good fighters for a bunch of cartoon equines. Still, if there was anyone in the Council who was prepared for the crazy stunts they could pull, it would be the Gatekeeper. Besides, even if I could win the fight, taking on the Gatekeeper would mean burning my bridges with the White Council. I didn’t want to do that unless I absolutely had to.

I guess there was nothing for it but to face the music and hope I could talk my way out of this. I've pulled it off once with the Gatekeeper when I was in hot water with him. “Heya Rashiid, how's tricks?”

I caught a flash of teeth and vague impression of a smile from within the hood. “Quite well, thank you for asking.” Well, at least he was going to be polite about my potential impending death. “Or at least, as well as one can be whilst fending off a major Outsider incursion.”

“That does tend to put a bit of a damper on one’s day,” I deadpanned.

“Yes, and I was so looking forward to spending the day relaxing at home and reading a good book.” The Gatekeeper is way better than I am at keeping a straight face while delivering his smartassery. “I suppose we should do something about that. However, there was one matter I hoped you might assist me with first. Tell me, do you remember the Seventh Law of Magic?”

“Thou shalt not seek beyond the Outer Gates,” I dutifully quoted. Now that I had a bit more experience with it all, I could tell why that law was in place. Most people wouldn’t think that bringing a bunch of pastel ponies to Earth was all that bad, but the Outer Gates are what separates reality from not-reality. Wearing down that barrier too much could easily lead to Very Bad Things. Not everything in the Outside was cute little cartoon characters.

So that makes two of the Laws of Magic I’ve broken, not to mention the ones I’d skirted around. Sure, a zombie T-Rex technically didn’t violate the laws against necromancy since T-Rex’s weren’t intelligent beings, but the Council doesn’t look kindly on abusing loopholes in the law. I wonder if being dead resets the penalties? It was too bad Morgan wasn't still around, I'm sure he'd love enforcing the Doom of Damocles all over again.

“Just so.” The old wizard nodded sagely. “It would seem then, that you have not forgotten about the Seventh Law. I am curious then, to learn what your reasons are for knowingly violating it.”

Well, that didn’t sound ominous at all. In point of fact he still sounded very polite and casual about the whole thing. It was almost enough to make me think he wouldn’t kill me without batting an eye if he thought I was a threat. I scrambled to come up with a very convincing explanation. “I had to do it. It was the only way to stop Nicodemus and Discord.”

“A conclusion you came to on the basis of your extensive knowledge regarding the workings of the Outside and its denizens, no doubt.” I was ninety nine percent sure that was sarcasm, but the Gatekeeper is kinda hard to read.

“Well ... uh ...” The Gatekeeper had no chance against my silver tongue.

The Gatekeeper leaned in towards me, and a hint of iron entered his voice. “It never occurred to you that perhaps the appropriate response might be to contact the wizard responsible for watching over the Outer Gates, instead of simply following the demons’ path?”

Well when he put it like that, I sounded like an idiot. “Uh, well I was kind of trying to handle the problem on my own.”

“And you clearly have the situation well in hand.” When did the Gatekeeper get so sarcastic? Well, he’d always had a bit of a mischievous streak to him... “I am curious to know; when facing the threat of an entity whose very essence is antithetical to existence, what makes bringing even more such beings to our world a viable solution?”

“Oh, come on.” I reached down and scooped up Derpy, then held her up in front of the Gatekeeper’s face. “Does she really look like a threat to Earth’s safety?”

Derpy gave the most innocent and harmless smile I’d ever seen to emphasize my point. “Hi, I’m Derpy Hooves! Harry told me he was gonna give me muffins! Do you have the muffins?”

I swear I caught an amused little chuckle from the Gatekeeper, but when he answered he was all business. “Regardless of whether their intent is hostile or harmless, the very nature of their existence is hostile to the laws of our universe.”

That got an upset frown from Derpy, and a single flap of her wings removed her from my loose grasp. “So ... no muffins?”

“I’m afraid I don’t have any on me.” How the Gatekeeper could jump so smoothly from chewing me out because I’d seriously jeopardized the safety of the entire universe to consoling a cute cartoon pony, I will never know. Maybe dealing with this kind of crazy was just a regular part of the job of being the Gatekeeper.

“Oh well,” Derpy’s ears drooped, but a moment later they perked right back up. “Well if you don’t have any muffins, I’ll give you one of mine!” The pegasus opened up her saddlebag and deposited the baked good into the Gatekeeper’s hands.

The Gatekeeper gave the muffin a critical once-over, and then bit into it. I took advantage of the time he spent eating to ponder my options. I guess I could always try appealing to his pragmatism. Once he finished the muffin, I spoke. “Look, I get that I’ve kinda been running roughshod over the Seventh Law, but I’m still working for the good guys. Can we at least hold off on putting me on trial and chopping my head off until after we deal with the much bigger threat?” I pointed over at whirling maw of chaos to emphasize my point.

Before the Gatekeeper had any time to consider my suggestion Rainbow Dash barged into the conversation with all her usual subtlety. “Whoa! Hang on a minute! Are you really gonna try to cut Harry’s head off, just because he broke some stupid law?” She set her hooves onto the ground and glared up at the Gatekeeper. “Not. Gonna. Happen.” The rest of the ponies were quick to voice their agreement on that point. I admit, the way they all immediately leapt to my defense warmed the cockles of my heart a bit.

The Gatekeeper held up a single hand to forestall the tide of pony protests. “I have no intention of killing Dresden. The Merlin would take it very badly if I sparked a war between the Council and the Winter Court.”

Something about the way he said that made a rather unpleasant realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d gotten into this whole mess because I’d been following Mab’s orders. Orders that including flagrantly violating one of the Council’s laws. As long as I was the Winter Knight the Council couldn’t move against me, but the instant I stopped being Mab’s loyal little servant...

Damn. I should’ve known Mab was working on a way to keep me stuck in her service. That was a problem to deal with later though; keeping the bad guys from wreaking havoc was higher priority than getting myself out of the Winter Knight gig.

“Alright, now that we’re done with all the talk about how the Council might decide to lop off my head once it’s politically convenient, how about getting back to saving the world?” That got a nod from the Gatekeeper, and a second later I felt that circle or whatever he’d been using to lock up my magic fade. I guess that meant I was officially off the hook, at least for the moment. “First things first, I’ve been busy running around in the Outside, so what’s been going on back on good old terra firma? So far all I know is that The Order of the Blackened Denarius is working with an Outsider named Discord, though they might have gotten around to backstabbing each other by now. I’ve also got a reasonably solid guess that they’ve taken over an animation studio.”

“It would seem then, that you hardly need me to explain anything at all.” If the Gatekeeper was going back to being a smartass, that was probably a good sign. “The Outsider and his Denarian allies have indeed kidnapped the production staff responsible for creating the entities you’ve brought with you. I met with the Nephelim who seems to have aligned herself with your cause, and she said they have some artifact that should be capable of containing this Discord? I assume you’ve acquired it?”

“Yeah, that’s the necklaces and the tiara. They get close enough to Mr. Big Bad, they can blast him. I’m sure you can guess what my plan is.”

“Charge straight in, find Discord, and blast him?” The whole face-concealing hood made it hard to tell, but I’m pretty sure he was smirking at me. “That would fit your normal way of addressing this sort of situation.”

“What can I say? I’m consistent.” To be fair, there would be a bit more sophistication to the final battle plan than charging in screaming, but I couldn’t hammer out all the details just yet. “What kind of minion-power are we up against? Discord and Nicodemus aren’t going to be doing all the heavy lifting themselves. What are we gonna have to get through to reach him? More of his crazy tongueless cultists? Some of those helldogs of his?”

“Oh, oh! What about very large and angry bees?” Pinkie chimed in. “Or maybe even helldogs with bees in their mouths, so when they bark they shoot bees at us?”

“I don’t believe he has any of the last two,” The Gatekeeper reassured us. “However ... Dresden, how much do you know about how Earth interact with the portion of the Outside where your new companions hail from?”

“I’ve put together a fair bit.” I answered neutrally. “Why? It’s not like you could fill in any gaps within my knowledge without running afoul of the Seventh Law.”

The Gatekeeper went silent for a long moment before he finally answered. “If you will forgive the terrible choice of words in present company, I can’t help but recall an old saying about closing the barn door after the horse has already escaped. Foolish as your actions might have been, it is too late to reverse course.” The Gatekeeper’s hooded gaze quickly swept over the ponies before returning to me. “Fictional characters such as these do not have true free will. If your enemies control the resources to produce new episodes of the cartoon they originate in then, they can essentially control your allies. There are certain limits to how quickly they can be changed since a reasonable portion of the audience must accept any alterations, but–”

I cut him off. “Oh yeah, I took care of that before I came here.”

Even with the whole face-concealing hood, I could tell from the way his stance stiffened that I’d caught the Gatekeeper by surprise. And let me tell you, catching the one guy in the White Council who was allow to look into the future by surprise had a certain amount of satisfaction. “And how, pray tell, did you manage such a thing?”

“I gave them souls,” I answered as casually as I could manage.

I could swear I saw the Gatekeeper’s jaw drop. He needed to upgrade his hood a bit, because I was starting to find a way to get a read on his facial expressions. After a period of what I was reasonably sure was shocked silence, he asked. “You gave Outsiders souls?”

I kept my answer short and to the point. “Eeyup.”

“Dresden,” the Gatekeeper sounded far more serious than I’d ever heard from him before, even on the one or two occasions when he’d mentioned possibly killing me. “Do you have any idea what the consequences of that could be?”

“Well, I know one thing. It keeps Discord from controlling them. Aside from that, I have no idea.” I paused in thought for a moment, and amended. “Well, I’m reasonably certain that it didn’t make the universe explode. At least, not yet.”

The Gatekeeper didn’t seem to find that answer very reassuring. “When Oppenheimer split the atom, he could not have fathomed the screams to come from Japan, nor the hushed terror held by the world since. Do you know what the consequences of your actions might be? I do not, but I fear that what you have done might shake the very foundations of our existence.”

Before I could start getting too panicked over the fact that not even the White Council’s expert on the Outside knew what the effects of my crazy solution would be, Pinkie Pie cut in with another one of her random exclamations. “You done goofed Harry! Consequences will never be the same!”

I think I liked Pinkie's analysis better. It filled me with the urge to laugh instead of stewing in quiet terror. The Gatekeeper had a damn good point, I’d meddled in things that probably shouldn’t be meddled with. That could end all kinds of badly. Having free will was one of the few advantages to being human in a world where very scary things go bump in the night. Handing that advantage to the supernatural nasties could land the human race in some really hot water down the road.

“I’ll keep that in mind, Gatekeeper.” Not much more I could say to that. Whatever nasty side effects might be coming my way were already in motion. It’s not like I could just turn back the clock and change my actions. If I could, that would save me a lot of grief. Soulifying the ponies wouldn’t be one of the things I would change, though. If I wanted to save the world, I needed my candy colored equines to not suddenly go Hannibal Lecter on me and try and turn me into cupcakes. “If anything does go wrong because of my actions, I’ll do whatever I can to fix it.”

“If that should come to pass, let us hope that what you can do will be enough.” Gee Gatekeeper, that didn’t sound ominous at all.

Well, I could worry about the long-term fallout of my actions after I survived the next couple of hours. “So anyway, back to business. Nicky’s got his footsoldiers, and probably a couple more ‘tardbeast Nickelheads to throw at us too. Any other nasty surprises?’

“Not that I know of,” The Gatekeeper answered. “But if I knew of it, then it would be a rather poorly executed nasty surprise, now wouldn’t it?” While that was a fair point, it was still an aggravating bit of wordplay.

I guess I’d just have to think on my feet when it came to dealing with the unexpected. I had plenty of experience when it came to doing that. “Right, expect the unexpected. So what do we have to work with? Did the Council send a decent supply of Wardens? What about ... well, everyone else with a vested interest in not letting the bad guys ruin our planet?”

“Sadly, it seems that most of the supernatural world has decided that–for the moment–the matter is somebody else’s problem.” As aggravating as it was to learn we were on our own, I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised. Discord was bad enough news that taking him down would tax the resources of whoever went after him. All the big movers and shakers were probably hoping that someone else would be the one to pay the butcher’s bill for taking out Discord.

I had a bad feeling the Council would be following the same policy, especially with how thin-stretched their resources were. You would think that me putting an end to the war with the Red Court would’ve helped there, but instead it just meant the Council had to deal with all the things they’d let slip while focusing on the war. Not to mention all the other nasties like the Fomor that were busy taking advantage of the power vacuum left behind by the destruction of the Red Court.

I gave a resigned sigh. “Lemme guess, the Council’s not giving us anything to work with either, are they?”

“I’m afraid not,” The Gatekeeper confirmed. “The Council has asked me to contain the situation while they evaluate their options and form a plan of attack.”

I was a bit surprised when Twilight inserted herself into the conversation. “But now that we’re here surely we can explain to this council that–”

“No, we can’t.” I felt a nasty twinge of guilt at Twilight's surprised little flinch. I hadn’t meant to snap at her, but I was just so tired of the Council’s habitual inability to find its own ass with a flashlight and a map. “Sorry, it’s just that the White Council’s not gonna like any plan of attack that’s relies upon using Outsiders to deal with Discord. If we tried meeting with them, we’d be lucky to make it out of there without a fight, let alone actually getting any help out of them.”

“But the Elements of Harmony are the only way to stop Discord!” Twilight shot right back with a frustrated glower.“Why would they try to stop us? If they want to stop Discord too, then they should be helping us!”

“Look, Twilight, the thing you need to understand about the White Council is...” I trailed off as I tried to come up with a pony-friendly way of explaining the problem.

“Frequently dominated by short-sighted egotistical fools and cynical power-hungry politicians who know how to manipulate said fools?” The Gatekeeper helpfully suggested.

“Yeah, that about covers it.”

“But– I don’t understand. I thought the White Council were supposed to be protectors of this realm?” Twilight stared at me with aggravated incomprehension. “If the Council is really that bad, then why do you put up with it?”

To be honest I’d asked myself that question more than once in the past, put some hard life experience had taught me otherwise. “Don’t get me wrong, the Council is a long way from perfect, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.”

“Still sounds like a dumb way of running things,” Rainbow Dash opined. “You guys oughta just put a Princess in charge of things like we do.”

“Sorry, last I checked Earth doesn’t have any immortal Goddess-Princesses.” Which was almost a pity, since having some nigh-omnipotent and omnibenevolent being that wasn’t afraid to help out directly when people needed it would be nice. Sure, God and the angels did what they could to help out, but they had a lot of rules constraining just what they could accomplish. The closest things we had in comparison were beings like Mab, Queen of Air, Darkness and Female Villain Archetypes.

A second later my cynicism kicked back in. Spending too much time in cartoon land might have infected me with a bit of their happy optimism. “Besides, even if we did have someone like your princesses, they probably wouldn’t be nearly as nice about it as Celestia. Humans have a saying about how power corrupts for a reason. And even when the person uses their power the right way, no single ruler will ever be infallible.”

“Yes...” Twilight responded very slowly. “Princess Celestia hasn’t always been perfect.” I felt like kicking myself in the head–considering what Twilight had gone through, it would probably be best to avoid any discussion of the relative merits of Princess Celestia's rule for a while.

Time for a change of subject. Lucky for us, the continuing threat to my homeworld made for a great distraction from Twilight Sparkle’s personal issues. “So, it’s just me, you and the ponies?” Well, I could try calling up some of my old friends. But that would mean convincing them all that I was alive again, and getting them all to wherever the hell we were. Speaking of that, “By the way, Gatekeeper, where are we?”

“In Canada. Vancouver, to be precise.” Yeah, that confirmed it. Even if I could get word my former allies and convince them that this wasn’t all some elaborate ruse, getting them from Chicago to Canada would complicate things. Well, unless I used a shortcut through the Nevernever, but that was gonna be a really hard sell. The Nevernever is a dangerous place on a good day, and really dangerous if you don’t know your way around. I wasn’t going to convince anyone that I was really me beyond all shadow of any doubt; I’d had a hard enough time convincing everyone that I was a ghost. After the appearance of my ghost had indisputably confirmed my death in their eyes, getting them to believe that I was alive after all would take time. I didn’t know what Discord and Nicky were up to, but odds were giving them time would be a bad idea.

Especially since, considering I was pretty sure Nicky had thoroughly studied the Evil Overlord List, he probably had some of his pet cultists keeping an eye on my known associates. Right now, we quite possibly had the element of surprise on our side. The bad guys were probably still busy messing around with Equestria. If they figured out that I was back on Earth, I’d start getting their full attention. Nicodemus and Discord were not going to just let me run around freely to gather allies and build up some kind of coalition to take them down.

“I do have some good news,” the Gatekeeper announced. “The situation is not quite as lonely as you might believe. The city does have a Warden; Warden Jenkins is rather young and impetuous, but a Warden is a Warden.”

“Wait, his name is Jenkins?” Pinkie cut in with her usual level of enthusiasm. “Is his first name Leeroy? Please, please tell me it’s Leeroy!”

The Gatekeeper fixed Pinkie with a mystified stare for several seconds before finally answering. “No. His first name is Richard.”

“Aw poopie,” Pinkie’s ears drooped in disappointment. “It would’ve been so much funnier if his name was Leeroy.” Her ears perked back up and hint of hopeful optimism returned to her voice. “Do you think maybe he could change it?”

“That would be something you should ask him about.” Now that he had artfully dodged Pinkie’s latest odd little obsession, the Gatekeeper returned his attention to me. “Your nephilim companion also chose to accompany me. I suspect she will be pleased to see you again.”

“Nephi-what now?”Applejack cut in.

“He mean Lash,” Rainbow explained. “She’s a nephi-thing, right?”

“Yes, and it’s nephilim.” I’m pretty sure Lash would get a little aggravated if I let the ponies keep calling her a nephi-thing. She tended to get a little picky when it came to getting minor details like what species she was right.

“Well, now that I am reasonably certain you are not an immediate threat to the safety of Earth, I believe it is past time you were reunited with her.” The Gatekeeper pointed down the street, and ponies immediately took off running (or in Rainbow’s case, flying) towards Lash. I was about to join them at my much slower bipedal pace when the Gatekeeper put a single hand on my shoulder. The touch itself was light enough, but I froze as if he had an iron grip. “It would be wise for you to not make a habit of violating the Seventh Law.” The Gatekeeper kept his voice light and conversational, but I was still starting to feel just a tiny bit of very justified nervousness. “Your association with Mab provides you with a certain degree of insulation, but if certain lines are crossed you may find that the protection of the Winter Court is far from an absolute guarantee of safety.”

You wouldn’t think the Gatekeeper could be so pants-crappingly terrifying. He wasn’t a very physically imposing fellow, and he didn’t pull any of the usual tactics that go along with intimidation. He was just very calmly informing me of the facts. Such as the fact that if I pissed on the Council’s Laws again, not even the Winter Queen could save my sorry ass. Despite the lack of the usual accoutrements that accompany scare tactics, I was feeling very intimidated.

After narrowly avoiding the need to change my pants, I followed the ponies until I found the seven of them clustered around Lash and chatting animatedly. Judging by the fact that Lash was currently munching on a muffin, it was a safe bet that Derpy had already taken care of properly introducing herself.

“Lash, good to see you again.” The nephilim shifted her muffin to her left hand so she could give me a quick handshake. I gave her a quick once-over, and couldn’t stop myself from smirking. “I see you’re still taking fashion sense cues from me.”

Lash gave me a similar once over, and raised a single eyebrow before offered a slightly disdainful sniff. “Fashion might be an overstatement,” she snarked right back, earning a nod of agreement from Rarity. “There is a certain practicality to your wardrobe though. That, and it’s impossible to find find a single clothing retailer that stocks a decent selection of tunics and stolas.”

“Sorry, Roman fashions kinda went out of style about fifteen hundred years ago.” I guess that’s just one of the hazards of being an immortal. “Assuming we make it out of this alive, you could always try to bring the look back.”

“I shall bear that in mind,” Lash commented dryly. “But for now, I believe that the simple shirt, jeans, and duster combination shall suffice. Perhaps it is for the best; Roman fashion wasn’t really made with late November Canada in mind, even if being near the coast takes a bit of the sting out of the cold.”

She had a point there. Not only was my duster nicely practical for layering on the defensive enchantments, it was also pretty good at keeping the cold out. Then again, being the Winter Knight had done a lot to make ordinary winter weather less of an issue for me. It was a bit annoying that Lash managed to make the look work so much better than I did, though. I guess that was inevitable–I was tall, awkward, and scruffy-looking on a good day. She was a strawberry blond with the sort of classical beauty that never goes out of style.

Sometimes life just really isn’t fair to me.

I took a look over what I had to work with, and I wasn’t feeling all that optimistic. The ponies should be able to smack Discord around with the good old friendship explosion, but first we had to get past all the minions Nicky and Discord had between us and them. That wasn’t going to be easy, especially since me and Lash would both need to follow the First Law of Magic when it came to Nicky’s cultists. Fanatical lunatics without automatic weapons could still cause plenty of trouble for a wizard, especially in large numbers. The ponies might not be bound by our laws, but I don’t think I could really expect them to be alright with racking up a body count either. We might be stuck holding off until Luna could mobilize the ponies or I could get some of my old allies in position to help out. I didn’t like the idea of sitting back and waiting while the bad guys made their move.

“It would be nice if we had a bit more backup.” I grumbled under my breath.

A second after I said that a large, semi-muscular black man carrying an AK-47 and a saber walked around the corner. “There is old saying,” the man declared in a thick Russian accent. “Ask, and you shall receive.”

Even if I hadn’t recognized him right off the bat, black guys with Russian accents weren’t all that common. “Sanya?”

I suppose I shouldn’t have been so surprised that the only current Knight of the Cross was here. Showing up at the right time seemed to be one of the perks of paladinhood, and the Knights usually put in an appearance whenever the Denarians were up to no good. Still, it was damn good to see him.

“Harry.” The black russian grasped my hand hard enough to make in impression of fingerprints on my bones. “I am glad to see you again. It is good that you are not dead. I am curious how you are alive, and with so many bright and colorful ponies.”

“I got better.” The long explanation could wait for later. I was a little surprised he hadn’t gotten the whole story from Lash, but I guess things might be just a tad awkward between the ex-fallen nephilim and the agnostic holy warrior.

I’ve always found it rather strange that receiving a divinely blessed sword from an archangel wasn’t enough to shake him out of his ambivalence about the possible existence of the divine. Maybe it was one of those weird Russian things. Whatever the case, his lack of belief didn’t seem to have any negative impact on his ability to make with the holy smiting when it came time to do so.

Sanya was one hell of an asset to have on our side. However, he was still just one Knight of the Cross; there were supposed to be three of them. Two of the swords were in between wielders last I’d heard, but I had been out of the loop while Mab was whipping me back into shape. “I don’t suppose any new Knights of the Cross showed up while I was busy being dead?”

Sanya gave a sad shake of his head. “No. It would be nice if I did not have to do everything by myself, but until the swords choose new wielders...” he trailed off with sigh, shrugged, and muttered. “Nichevo.” I don’t speak a lick of Russian, but from the context I could take a guess that it was something fatalistic. It was always a safe bet that a Russian was being fatalistic.

Fatalism did pretty much sum up the situation. Until the other two Swords picked wielders, there wasn’t much I could do to change the fact that Sanya was in it alone. The Swords of the Cross have some very exacting requirements for their wielders, and out of the few people qualified to use one of them not everyone is willing. Taking up one of those swords is a lifetime commitment–Fidelacchius’ wielder wound up dying on the job, while my old friend Michael only got to retire after Tessa emptied an AK-47 into him. Michael survived, but he took enough damage that his demon-hunting days were over.

It was a pity, we could sure use two more Knights right about now. I was once more halfway tempted to float the idea of trying to give the ponies the other two swords. The ponies presumably didn’t qualify as Knights, but anyone who was appropriately virtuous could tap into at least some of the Swords’ power. However, there was still the same problem that came up with the Lightsabers; ponies just can’t use a sword that’s designed with the human hand in mind, and at the end of the day I always picked practicality over style. Most of the time.

I was beginning to understand just why Lyra had that bizarre interest in replacing her hooves with hands. If her anatomy were a bit more accommodating I would bet Rainbow Dash could do just fine with Fidelacchius, and considering the nature of the cartoon any of the ponies could probably do alright with Amoracchius.

“We’ll just have to manage with what we have.” I have to say, as far as reassurances go that wasn’t my best one.

“We usually do.” Sanya gave a tight grin. “But then, we usually have more than we do right now.” He let out a grim chuckle at his own joke, and after a moment I joined in.

“There is one thing I am curious about, Harry.” The Russian gave me a hearty slap on the back, and I was relieved when he didn’t hit me quite hard enough to make me stagger. Maybe he’d learned to tone it down a bit, or maybe all the perks of being the Winter Knight were paying a few dividends. “Why is it that you are reading private pony diaries? That is very rude.”

“Huh?” It took me a second to recall how he must have figured that out. I never had gotten around to getting rid of the writing Twilight's little trap spell had slapped onto my forehead. I guess I got distracted by trans-dimensional travel and the threat of a potential global apocalypse. Perhaps that was part of why the Gatekeeper and Lash seemed so amused when they first met me. Now that I was back in my old stomping grounds, I knew how to handle this particular little problem.

One quick chalk circle later, I was writing free. Pinkie and Rainbow looked slightly disappointed that I’d taken away one of their sources of teasing material, while Sanya was frowning at me. “You are not answering question Harry, just covering up evidence.”

“Yeah, next thing you know I’ll be airbrushing Trotsky out of all the photos.” That was a bit of a low blow, but I only had so much to work with when it came to Sanya. “Anyway, there’s a long story that includes a perfectly good explanation about why I read Twilight’s diary without asking her first, and that’s all that needs to be said on the matter.”

“You may say so, but still.” Sanya waved a chiding finger at me. “Reading private pony diary. Shame.”

“I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to live with the guilt,” I confessed. “I think I might have to retire to a monastery after this is all over and spend the rest of my life in penance.”

“I think that would be best,” Sanya agreed. He turned to Lash and grinned. “I am wondering how you were able to manage for so long within his mind. It must have been a very strange and frustrating place.”

Whoa. So Sanya knew what Lash was, and he didn’t have a problem with it? That was a pair of surprises. Maybe he got a message from some of those Angels he didn’t believe in about her? Or perhaps ... wait. I had asked her to check in on Maggie. Michael would know about Lash, and he probably had some way to get in touch with Sanya and clue him in. With Sanya’s history as an ex-Denarian, he probably would be rather sympathetic to Lash’s position.

“It had its ups and downs.” Lash shot a smirk my way. “At the very least, I had plenty of room to accommodate myself.” Oh, nice burn Lash. I’d have to get her back for that one later.

“It’s not as bad as you would think, though,” she continued. “I expected to deal with a horrendous barrage of terrible ice and winter-related puns after he began service as the Winter Knight, but so far he’s been remarkably restrained in that regard. In fact...” Lash trailed off and her face slowly transformed into an expression of mounting dread as she saw me grinning like a kid in candy store. “I think mentioning the lack of terrible puns might have been grave error on my part.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it Lash.” I smiled and threw an arm over her shoulders. “You need to stop getting so bothered about every little thing. Just chill out.”

Opening Shots

Warden Jenkins was wearing a red shirt. Poor bastard.

Then again, I was always more of a Star Wars type of guy, so I guess I couldn’t really blame him for not grasping the perils of wearing red. Besides, he seemed be one of the youngsters the Council pulled into the Wardens on account of the Vampire War. He’d probably never even seen any classic Star Trek anyway; hell, his idea of Star Trek probably involved Captain Janeway and Captain Archer. Poor, poor Jenkins.

Hell’s bells, as a Star Wars fan I’m obligated to hate Star Trek, but even I know that there’s a huge gap between the classic stuff and the recent crap. Or maybe I’m just a grumpy old man who can’t stop going on about the good old days.

His possible exposure to the worst of Star Trek and possible impending death purely to add dramatic tension aside, Jenkins at least looked like he knew how to handle the whole Warden thing. Jenkins himself was a fairly fit and trim man who looked to be in his early to mid twenties, caucasian with a hint of asian ancestry that showed around his eyes, and dark hair accompanied by a five o’clock shadow that I suspect was missing when his hometown wasn’t being invaded by demons and an evil god of chaos. There was something vaguely familiar about him, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was.

Apparently he shopped at the same military surplus store as Sanya, because he was sporting a tactical vest covered with so many pouches he looked like a bad nineties comic book character. It was nice to see him packing a pistol to go along with the downright disturbing number of throwing knives he had strapped to just about every place he didn’t have a pouch. I half suspected his cloak was also being used to provide storage space for more pouches, knives, or whatever else he wanted.

Still, he was on our side and seemed reasonably competent. That put him above some of the Wardens I’ve had to deal with over the years. I shook his hand, and was pleased to see we weren’t bothering with the obligatory macho attempt to crush each others’ hands. Though if we had, I totally would’ve won.

“So, you’re the infamous Harry Dresden.” He gave me the same quick once-over I’d given him. “Well, technically we met before in New Mexico. I was one of the new recruits at the training camp while you were there, but I don’t think we were ever properly introduced.”

Dear God, he’d been one of the kids at that camp? I mentally adjusted his age down a couple years. Hells Bells, if they were starting to grab them this young, maybe it was a good thing that Molly had gone rogue after all; otherwise they’d probably be trying to come up with a way to slap one of those grey cloaks over her shoulders by now.

“I heard you were dead,” Jenkins added.

“I got better,” I answered simply. I swear, the worst part of being dead for a while is that freaking everyone feels like they need to comment on the fact that I’m not dead. In any case, it’s not like I wanted to share the whole long complicated story with Jenkins. Or just about anyone else, really.

“Wouldn’t be the first time someone ended up less dead than we all thought they were. I've heard of a couple of wizards who play dead for a couple of years every once in a while to avoid taxes and awkward questions from the normals about why they’re still alive and well after a century.” Jenkins shrugged, and tossed a look back at my travelling companions. “Admittedly, I’m a little fuzzy on how you went from exterminating an entire race of ancient magical powerhouses to hanging out with pastel-colored cartoon ponies.”

“It’s kind of a long story.” One I certainly didn’t want to get into while there were baddies to deal with. I wasn’t sure how much damage Discord was doing right now, but he had an entire city full of people to play with. Odds were that there were corpses, quite possibly a lot of them. Discord might not be out to build up a body count, but he wasn’t gonna care if he broke some of his toys while he played with them, especially not when he had almost seven billion more to play with.

That’s not to mention Nicky and his crew were around, and the Denarians didn’t seem like they could start the day without shedding some innocent blood first. It was kinda like coffee for them.

First things first, we were on Jenkins’ home turf, so he probably had some useful insight on the whole situation. “So, what’s the deal here?”

“Right, the situation.” Jenkins sighed and hand over his face, then gave a sharp little nod and got down to business. “At first I thought I was dealing with some of your usual cultists or psychos backed up by a bush-league warlock. I went in to clear them out and a couple of them transform on me. Next thing I know, I'm dealing with a couple of freaky demon things trying to tear me a new one. Since then I've just been on damage control, trying to protect who and what I can until reinforcements show up. I’m guessing that’s you.”

“Yeah, we’re the cavalry.” I tossed a look back at the ponies. “Not that we could actually ride in on the horses, but you get the idea.” Before I could come up with any more awkward or smartassed comments to make, something about what Jenkins said sank in. “Wait, you dealt with several of them? At once? Uh, don't take this the wrong way, but how are you still alive?” I know I had barely survived my first encounter with only a single Denarian, and that was only because I had nothing less than all three Knights of the Cross to pull my bacon out of the fire at the time.

Jenkins gave me a tight, confident little grin. “By being crazy prepared, Dresden. By being crazy prepared. I learned to always have a couple escape options available after I got caught in a bad ambush in Toronto by some vamps during the war.”

Oh. That would do it. You’d be surprised how important learning when and how to run away is to staying alive. It’s a skill way too many people will neglect, but if you make a habit of tangling with supernatural baddies and you don’t learn when to fold ‘em you’re not likely to live for long. There’s way too many things out there that can squish an unprepared wizard in ten seconds flat. The good news is, a wizard who can get away from the baddies long enough to recover and come up with a plan is likely to wreck face. Few things are scarier than a wizard who’s had prep time.

Speaking of which, we needed a plan here. “So, you know the city better than we do, Jenkins. How do we get the ponies up to ... wherever their animation studio is?”

“The city is under attack by demonic cultists backed up by the literal forces of Hell, and you want to get the ponies to an animation studio.” Jenkins stared at me like I’d gone completely insane. I get that a lot.

“Look, getting the ponies where they need to be is the single most important part of the entire plan.” Okay, maybe I needed to give him a little bit more to go with than just that. I pointed to the upside-down buildings that dotted the skyline. “That’s not something that’s in the normal Denarian bag of tricks, they went and found an evil god of chaos to help them out. The only reliable way to stop said evil god is to use the ponies.”

Jenkins let out a low whistle. “So that’s what the Gatekeeper meant about there being Outsiders mixed up in this. Funny, I always pictured the Outsiders as more Lovecraft and less ... Saturday Morning.” Jenkins frowned at the collection of candy-colored miniature equines. “Wait, Saturday morning ... and you need to go to an animation studio ... don’t tell me ... huh. Well, that's a new level of weird for this job.”

Lash let out a low chuckle. “You have no idea, young warden.”

Sanya grinned and gave me hearty slap on the back. “Harry is very strange man, but his plans work. They are often so crazy they should not, but they do work.”

Rainbow smirked up at the young warden. “Ya know, you humans seem pretty weird to us too.” Most of the other ponies nodded in agreement.

“But we like you anyway,” Derpy added as she flew up to him and opened up her saddlebag. “Want a muffin?” Jenkins hesitantly accepted the baked good from the wall-eyed pegasus.

“New levels of weird are the story of my life,” I declared. “Well, except for all the times when the story of my life is pain, misery, and guilt. And the rare occasions when it’s both at the same time.”

For some reason known only to particularly insane pink earth ponies, that prompted Pinkie Pie to break into song. For the sake of what little sanity I had left, I decided not to ask any questions about where the background music accompanying her song came from.

“When you’re rife with devastation,
There’s a simple explanation:
You’re the Toymaker’s creation
Trapped inside a crystal ball!

“And whichever way he tilts it,
Know that we must be resilient.
We won't’ let let him break our spirits
As we sing our silly song!

“When you were a little Harry,
Magic made everything dark and scary,
They’d’ve shipped you off to the orphanage
If it hadn’t been for mean ol’ Justin

“So you learned a thousand spells
And suffered through a thousand hells.
Now the memories are sad
But Elaine wasn’t so bad
You two had your fun before long!

“Now you’ve bungled all your bangles
And your loved ones have been mangled,
Listen to the jingle-jangle
Of this wizard’s tambourine!

“For these chords are hypnotizing
And the readers’re harmonizing
So please, Harry, stop your crying
And just sing along with me!”

Pinkie ended her random song to deafening silence, though a second later Derpy began stomping her hooves in approval. I have to say, out of all the random songs she’d broken into, that was one of the stranger ones. Mostly because it was sad, but had a deceptively happy tune that was annoyingly catchy enough to permanently lodge itself in my brain. Still, before I’d gone and soul-ified her, Pinkie sang songs about smiling and baking cupcakes--but now this? Was this my fault? Knowing my luck, it was. What had I done to these cartoon ponies?

I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised when Sanya started applauding Pinkie’s performance along with Derpy. Of course the Russian would like the oddly depressing song. “Very nice. Michael will most enjoy this song, I believe.”

Lash raised a single eyebrow at that. “You believe?”

“Da,” Sanya confirmed. “Little cartoon pony makes quite an impression. I like fighting alongside the cartoon ponies, they are much more enjoyable to be around then the horrors I normally fight.” He frowned and gave a philosophical shrug. “I will admit, though, the ponies do not do much to convince me I am not insane. Still, this plan already 100% better then normal plans for fighting Denarians with Dresden, thanks to ponies.”

I let out the groan of a horribly put-upon wizard. “This whole adventure is starting to fill up my top ten weirdest things in my life list. And when you consider how strange my life has been up to this point...”

Jenkins gave me a moderately worried look “That's not very comforting, sir.”

Kids these days. Always worrying about the little things, like the fact that everything happening around them was an assault on their reason and sanity. You have to learn to accept that sometimes things just don’t make any sense, and trying to understand it all is only going to give you a headache. “Hey, the good news is that we have the perfect weapon. Once the cute little cartoon ponies get close enough, they can one-hit KO the big bad of the day. Usually by this point I'm just making stuff up as I go and hoping it all turns out for the best. This time we have a plan that definitely has a decent chance of working, so I’d say we’re doing pretty damn good.”

Sanya grinned and declared with fatalistic joy. “Yes, we have a good plan. This means there is likely some type of horrible surprise waiting for us, da?”

Only a Russian could be so cheerful about the chance that we might all die horribly before the day was over. “Damnit Sanya, don't point that out, something always goes wrong when someone points that out.”

Jenkins was quick to voice his agreement. “Don't jinx it. We’re in enough trouble without anyone jinxing it.”

Twilight applied hoof to face and let out an exasperated groan. “You have no idea how difficult it is to actually make a working plan with this group of ponies. And that’s back in Equestria, where everything makes sense.”

“Pfft, who needs a plan?” Rainbow scoffed, before getting up on her hind legs to throw a few punches into the air. “I say we just get going, and kick the ass of anything that comes after us!”

Jenkins looked at me askance. “You taught them to swear? That seems ... wrong.”

“Maybe a little bit,” I admitted. “But the thing is--well, I thought it was funny. Besides, they already know how to swear, I just taught them how to do it in English instead using pony words for it. So ... that makes it slightly less horrible, I guess.”

Jenkins looked over to the side and chuckled. “I don’t think that’s something everyone’s gonna buy--your girlfriend looks like she's going to kill you. I think I'll just step out of the line of fire.” Jenkins rather pointedly took a couple hasty steps away from me.

Lash was just as quick to back off. “Dresden and I are not bound in that fashion, Warden.”

If not for all the very good reasons we didn’t want anyone thinking Lash and I were bumping uglies, my pride might have taken a bit of a hit at how quick she was to make sure everyone knew she was not my girlfriend. At least I could get a bit of a confidence boost from people thinking Lash was not completely out of my league. Discounting all of the reasons it would be a horrible idea to act on that particular observation, it’s hard not to notice she’s a bit of a knockout. I’m a guy, I can’t help noticing these things. Still, clarifications come first. “No, no we are not, that would be weird on levels you Do Not want to know.”

Jenkins let out a conspicuous cough and mumbled something under his breath about rivers in Egypt.

Unfortunately for my peace of mind, not everyone (or should it be everypony?) was content to keep their thoughts mostly to themselves. Rarity looked Lash and me over and approvingly declared, “They do make a rather handsome couple, don't they?”

“No! No we do not! That is an awful idea!” I really didn’t want to get into all the details about where things were between me and Lash, but I also didn’t want everyone going on about how the two of us should hook up. “Let me put it this way: my relationship with Lash is weirder than the time I took down the pretty princess of the ponies. In ways you do not want to know.”

Fluttershy let out a disappointed little sigh. “Oh, but...you two look so cute together.”

“Yeah, and special someponies--er--special somehumans are super funneriffic!” Pinkie chimed in.

Derpy couldn’t resist tossing in her own opinion. “I think the foals would be adorable.”

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Sanya decided to join the fray. “Harry could use nicer woman than Ice Queen. Not that Mab is ugly, but Winter Queens do not help keep beds warm. Lash certainly looks like she would be warmer company during long winter.”

Applejack seemed to be the only pony who could actually tell that Lash and I weren’t okay with this line of discussion. “Um, y’all? Might wanna back off a mite, ah think they're serious.”

Rainbow looked like she was about to say something, and from the smirk on her lips I just knew she was about to hit us with the kind of smartassery that I would probably be using against someone else if I was in her position. I really wasn’t in the mood for that, so I decided cut her off and shut this discussion down. “She was the shadow of a Fallen Angel in my head for several years who spent most of her time trying to convince me to pick up a coin. She wound up getting a soul after she nearly got herself killed saving my life--and when she finally got a body of her own, my DNA was used in the process, which technically makes her my genetic daughter! Us being together is not cute!”

That pretty much killed the conversation deader than dead. Nothing makes for awkward silence quite like letting everyone know that they’d kinda-sorta been promoting incest.

Lash stepped up to me, and her voice came out in a tight, angry little whisper. “In the future, perhaps you could show a measure of discretion instead of revealing the details of my history to all and sundry?”

I gave a guilty little flinch. Typical dumb me, running off at the mouth without thinking about the fact that there were reasons that everyone there didn’t know why Lash and I should never be romantically involved. “Sorry, Lash.”

Rainbow said what everyone else had to be thinking at this point. “Ew.” Fluttershy let out a high-pitched little squeak of what was presumably agreement, while Rarity was looking distinctly green at the gills. Funny enough, everyone seemed more concerned by the incest part rather than the bit about her trying to make me sell my soul to demons.

“Ah warned ya'll,” Applejack grumbled. “Ah toldja to let it be, but everypony just had to go an’ say their piece...”

Pinkie sighed and slid her party cannon behind her back, where it promptly disappeared in defiance of at least half a dozen laws of physics. “I guess that means I should cancel the ‘Congratulations on Hooking Up Harry and Lash’ party, right Harry?”

“That would be wise, little pony,” Lash answered tersely.

“So,” I said to forestall any further commentary from the peanut gallery. “Are we done here, or do you all want to ask some more awkward and embarrassing questions?”

Warden Jenkins raised a hand. “So if you two aren’t a thing, does that mean she's single?”

I stared at Jenkins blankly for several seconds as I tried to wrap my mind around that one. “You have to be kidding. I'm... not so sure that would be a good idea.”

Lash didn’t even try to let him down easy. “My consciousness stretches back to the very dawn of the universe, mortal.” Seems kinda odd to me that she’s still calling people mortals after she came down with a case of mortality recently, but I guess you don’t break several billion years’ worth of habit in a couple days. “I would no sooner lie with you than you would lie with a mayfly.”

Jenkins shrugged and let out an easygoing laugh. “I've always had a thing for older women.”

Okay, that line couldn’t help but remind me of another Warden I’d worked with in the past. “Have you ever met Carlos Ramirez?”

Jenkins grinned. “Warden-Commader Ramirez? Yeah, he’s my commander. He did give me one or two pointers when it comes to impressing the ladies.”

Okay, I couldn’t resist having a bit of fun with that one. “Oh really, he gave you lady advice? I guess that means he never mentioned that he was still a virgin.” Well, unless he’d fixed that since the last time the two of us got together to punch evil in the face.

“Commander Ramirez hasn’t ever ... huh.” Jenkins scratched the back of his head. “Well, that would explain why most of his advice sucked.”

“Look on the bright side,” I consoled the younger man. “Now you’ve got some great ammunition to use next time you need to deflate his ego a bit.” That brought a bit of a smile to Jenkins’ face, though I’m pretty sure Carlos wouldn’t be happy with me next time we met.

I turned back to my friends and tried to put the matter to rest. “So, is everyone satisfied with this glimpse into my very messy and complicated personal life?”

Most of the ponies seemed satisfied with awkward, uncomfortable silence, which was interrupted by the sound a of a quill furiously scribbling on parchment. Apparently Twilight Sparkle was taking notes. Of course. “Very much so, this is fascinating! Please, continue.”

Oh, terrific. Well, I suppose Twilight in overeager scientist and academic mode beat the quiet, withdrawn, and hypersensitive Twilight we’d been dealing with up to this point. “I’m glad you find my suffering interesting enough to study, Twilight, but you should know that this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the list of things you do not, or should not know that I do.”

Next thing I knew, Twilight had yanked a couch from god-only-knows-where and set it down in front me. I’m not sure whether I would prefer the couch being a result of freak cartoon logic, or the possibility that she’d just casually stolen someone’s couch in a fit of academic eagerness. “So, shall we start at the beginning then, Harry?”

Right, this was getting a bit beyond my capacity to just shrug it off as more pony weirdness. “Hey, remember the dark chaos god that's killing people by the thousands while we twiddled our thumbs? Well, those of us that have thumbs, while those of us with hooves did ... whatever it is ponies do instead of twiddling their thumbs. Maybe we should be more concerned about that then the whole ‘What the hell isn't wrong with Harry?’ thing.”

Twilight wasn’t about to let a few inconvenient fact get in the way of satisfying her curiosity. “But Harry, if you're as crazy as your friend with the sword thinks he is, that could be the root of the entire issue right there! We can’t let this unique opportunity pass us by!”

I started walking, and Twilight followed behind me with quill still furiously scribbling even though I hadn’t said anything to answer her question yet. After dealing with her eager, attentive stare for several seconds, I finally gave in and decided to humor her for a bit. “My root problem is that the whole universe persecutes me.”

Twilight let out a little ‘hmm’ and her quill began rapidly scratching back and forth as she added more notes to her scroll. “Paranoia ... and ... persecution complex ...”

Oh goody, someone thinks I’m being paranoid again. “Hey, just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean there’s not an invisible demon about two seconds away from eating my face at any given moment.”

Pinkie gasped and immediately checked behind me. “Don’t worry, Harry! He’s not there!” A second later she frowned thoughtfully. “Unless he’s sneaking up behind you while we’re talking ... hmm ...” Pinkie was giving this serious thought--why did that fill me with dread? Suddenly she started running and bouncing all over the place at random. Well, more so than usual. “Don’t worry, Harry! If any big nasty mean-mcmeaniepants tries sneak up on you by being all sneaky and invisible, they’re gonna bump into me first!”

For her part, Twilight looked rather dubious about my line of reasoning. For some reason, convincing her that I wasn’t a paranoid lunatic was important to me. What can I say, I wanted the cute little cartoon ponies to like me. “‘Paranoid’ is what they call it when you think people are out to get you, but in reality nobody is trying to kill you. Me, I have lots of people and non-people trying to kill me. That means I’m exercising an appropriate level of caution, not being paranoid.”

Twilight was still looking less than convinced by my line of reasoning. “Aside from the obvious examples of Discord and the Denarians, name one person who’s actively trying to kill you.”

Lash shot the unicorn a warning look. “Young pony, I think it would be best if you did not pursue this line of inquiry any further.”

If the quill and scroll hovering at her side and the eager little smile on her face were any indication, Twilight wasn’t going to take Lash’s advice. I suppose the best thing I could do was just give her the answers she wanted. “Shall I start with my enemies that are dead, or shall we skip right to the living? Because either way, the list is longer than that piece of paper you have.”

Twilight opened up her saddlebags and pulled out several more scrolls of parchment. “It's okay, I always carry spares.” Of course Twilight had packed extra scrolls and bottles of ink for her trip to a dangerous war zone. Speaking of which, I really needed to see about introducing Twilight to the wonderful human invention known as the ballpoint pen. It certainly beat the hell out of quills and bottles of ink when it came to convenience.

So, Twilight really wanted the low-down on every single thing that was out to get me. Fine. “Sure, let's just go down the list of things that have tried to kill me. I can't go a year without something taking a serious shot at me. So first there was He Who Walks Behind...”

Sanya frowned at the two of us. “I am wondering if it is wise to be having conversation about potential allies our enemies could be recruiting.”

“To be honest, I’m not sure I’d mind having a couple of my other enemies showing up,” I growled. “Right now I've got all sorts of pent-up rage and no Discord or Nickleheads to blast in the face. I could use a good outlet, and all that anger should be useful for the first thing that comes up that I can set on fire.”

The sound of a quill scratching across parchment yanked me out of that line of thought. Apparently Twilight was still playing amateur psychologist. “Deep-rooted ... anger ... issues...”

Okay, I’d been willing to indulge her curiosity, but this was getting into slightly aggravating territory. “I do not need you psychoanalysing me right now.”

“Refusal … to accept help … when offered...” Twilight continued making notes and muttering under her breath for a bit, until she looked up at me with a hint of her old mischievous smile on her face. “Hmm, no wonder you get along so well with Rainbow.”

That comment earned chuckles from most of the ponies and humans in the area, and the wrath of a certain pegasus. “Hey! Not our fault Harry and I are so awesome we don’t need any of your psycho-babble stuff!”

Unfortunately, Rainbow’s attempt to defend our mutual honor only prompted more laughter from the others. I threw a companionable arm over the hovering pegasus’ shoulders, only to hastily withdraw it when the unexpected weight threw her balance off. Despite the fact that it stemmed from my desire to express a little camaraderie, Dash still gave me an annoyed glower for almost knocking her out of the air. “It’s just you and me, Rainbow. Everyone else is against us.” That seemed to smooth over the damage I did by almost grounding her.

“Yeah, saying we’re all out to get you is doing wonders for convincing me you’re not paranoid.” Seeing Twilight starting to get back to her old smartassed self was enough of a relief that I didn’t mind being out-snarked by her. Well, I didn’t mind it much. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to help a friend who needs their self confidence rebuilt.

Pinkie Pie perked up and enthusiastically chirped. “Ooh, I have a song for that too! Do ya want me to sing it? It’s super-neat!”

Lash shot a dry smile Pinkie’s way. “I am curious, little pony, is there any conceivable situation for which you do not have a suitable song?”

Pinkie beamed at her. “Oh, I’ve got songs for just about everything! I’ve even got a ‘my mouth is full of delicious cake, but I can’t sing right now because then I’d spray cake all over everypony’ song! I’ve never had a chance to sing it though, and there are a couple other situations where my mouth is too busy doing other stuff to sing.”

A wave of discomfort shot through my gut when I saw how Pinkie’s eyes lingered on Rainbow Dash when she said that. Okay, I really hope that giving the ponies souls hadn’t bumped up their sex drives on top of everything else. God knows I’ve got enough enemies as is without adding legions of soccer moms out to get me because I’d turned a couple cartoon characters into lesbians to the list. Heaven forbid kids start getting the crazy idea that there’s nothing wrong with homosexuality.

Lash seemed to have picked up on the same thing that I’d noticed. “That was much too suggestive a thing for a pony to say.”

“She probably didn’t mean it that way,” I reassured Lash (and myself). “I mean, they don't even have the things they need to do ... things with.” Or at least, I was pretty sure they didn’t. Unless the soul-ifying process had changed that too. I certainly wasn’t about to lift one of their tails to check.

Jenkins gave a philosophical little shrug. “Hey, Dinky had to come from somewhere.” Jenkins uncomfortably shuffled his feet as everyone turned to look at him. “What?” There was just a bit of defensiveness in his voice. “My little sister likes the show, that’s all.”

I couldn’t resist smirking at him. Could he be any more obvious? Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure he’d never asked us to introduce him to the other ponies. Almost like he already knew their names. “Yeah, sure. Your sister. That's why you were able to pull the name one of the obscure background ponies off the top of your head”

Jenkins awkwardly cleared his throat and couldn’t quite meet any of our eyes. I went in for the kill. “For that matter, it hasn't been established where any of them come from. In fact, it’s technically against the Laws of Magic to know much about them now that I think about it.”

Jenkins looked just a tiny bit panicked for a moment, but quickly regained his composure. “I'm not the one who broke the laws of magic to hang out with cartoon characters. Just saying.”

“Hey, It was for a good cause!” I offered in my own defense. “We wouldn't have weaponized friendship to take Discord down with if it wasn't for my flagrant disregard for the rules. I sacrificed so much of my masculinity to get us to this point that I'll be lucky to still have my man card by the end of all this! Seriously, as soon as this is done I’m going to spend a month doing nothing but drinking beer and watching football games.”

Lash shot an amused little smirk to Sanya. “I had missed the entertainment Harry’s antics provides whilst we were separated.”

“Da,” Sanya agreed with an easygoing smile. “At least my life is not boring with Dresden around. I would tell you story of time I hunt down giant rat demon in sewers of New York, but it is boring tale. You would think it not be, chasing of demons can be very interesting, and New York sewers have great history. But no, this chase was most boring chase I have ever had.”

Rarity stared at Sanya in abject horror and let out a dramatic gasp. “In the sewers, darling? Goodness, no wonder your clothes are in such an atrocious state! I simply must correct this! I must! I must!” Before the Russian could do anything to evade the horrified fashionista, a measuring tape and several fabric swatches were hovering around him.

Sanya went along with Rarity’s attention with a bemused smile. “Can you do anything with kevlar? Tactical vest is very practical, but lacking in style.”

“Kevlar? I’ve never heard of a material like that before...” Rarity trotted up to study Sanya’s tactical vest and give a few experimental pokes with her hooves. “Ooh, this material! Such longevity, such durability! Oh, the things I could make with this! Darling, you simply must tell me where I could secure of supply of this!”

Sanya rapped a fist on his vest. “This material, I suppose you ponies do not have it. No need for it when you are not having to worry about guns. Maybe I help you get some of those too, if you want. Are very useful for times when demon is not wanting to come within reach of sword.”

“NO!” Pretty much everyone jumped at Pinkie’s unexpected shout. After a couple second Pinkie let out a sheepish little chuckle and rubbed a hoof on the back of her head. “Sorry, it’s just that Littlepip is a friend of mine, and after I saw what guns did to Equestria there...”

Jenkins was bouncing up and down like a kid on Christmas morning. “No way, you know Littlepip?! That’s awesome!” Everyone turned to look at Jenkins, until he realized that he’d undeniably just outed himself as a fan of a little girls’ cartoon. “Dammit...”

Rainbow let out a single mocking laugh. “Bus-ted!”

I swear, Jenkins was actually blushing slightly as he muttered something under his breath.

Tempting as it was to join in on the mockery, there was a little something nagging at me. “Ok, now I know that was a reference I'm not understanding. What’s with the whole Littlepip thing? I remember running into some pony Pinkie called that when we were bouncing around in the Outside...”

“It’s ... from a fanfic,” Jenkins confessed. That might’ve been a good answer if I had any idea what a fanfic was. Apparently my distinct lack of comprehension showed on my face, because Jenkins went on to explain. “You know, a fan-written story posted on the internet.”

“So...” I couldn’t help smirking at him. “Not only do you watch a little girls’ cartoon, but you also read stories about cute little cartoon ponies. Man cred dropping ... dropping ... oh, there it goes.”

Lash decided to do something slightly more productive than just mock Jenkins. “How were you able to read such a story?” She had a good point there--magic and technology generally don’t get along all that well. I could melt a cell phone at a hundred yards and kill a computer just by being in the same room with it, let alone actually trying to use it.

“One of the perks of being a magical lightweight,” Jenkins answered with a grin. “A few precautions and a lot of preventative maintenance, and I can get along with most tech. Plus I can just print out stories or whatever I want to read on the web to reduce how much exposure I'm giving to my tech.”

Huh. Well, I guess that figured. My apprentice Molly didn’t seem to be quite as bad at the whole killing technology thing as I was, and I always figured that was because she wasn’t the high-powered magic-slinger I was. Guess it figures that the weaker you are, the less your magic messes with tech. Kinda sucks when you need to throw some major mojo around though--personally I’d rather have the muscle to set the bad guys on fire than be able to mess around with a computer.

On the other hand, being able to actually have a refrigerator instead of an old-fashioned icebox would’ve been a welcome improvement. Also, water heaters. Once the teenage hormones died down, having to take a cold shower every single day was a serious bummer. Maybe Jenkins wasn’t getting such a bad deal after all.

I was about to comment on that fact when Pinkie Pie tackled me. With any other pony, being suddenly tackled without a moment’s notice might’ve surprised me. Since it was Pinkie, I mostly just felt a bit annoyed.

That sense of aggravation disappeared when I noticed a fresh bullet hole in the wall, right about where my head had been before Pinkie tackled me. Thank Celestia for Pinkie Sense--I picked up a whole lot of goodies when I signed on as the Winter Knight, but catching a bullet in the brainpan was still very bad news. Hells bells, my temporary case of death had come courtesy of a sniper putting a single well-aimed round into me.

I threw up a shield in time to stop the second bullet, but since the sniper taking potshots at us had decided to cheat by using stealth I had no real clue where he was shooting from. That made hitting back kind of problematic. Sure, I could hold up a shield that would stop any bullet cold, but that would just make the sniper move to other targets. Like the ponies--Pinkie and Twilight were covered by my shield, but that left five others exposed.

I was expendable in the worst-case scenario, but we needed all six of the ponies ties to the Elements to take down Discord. Well, maybe we could try some kind of last-minute substitution game, but at that point we would basically be pulling a Hail Mary.

The good news was that the rest of the humans had already sorted out their priorities. Lash and Jenkins both had shields up and were covering the other ponies as best they could, while Sanya busted open a nearby plate glass window belonging to a nice-looking restaurant. As soon as he’d gotten enough glass cleared away to make entering reasonably safe, he picked up a frozen-in-terror Fluttershy and rushed inside.

Another bullet plinked off of Lash’s shield, and a third one went for Jenkins and dissolved into harmless powder the instant it hit his. Looks like Jenkins made his bullet-shields the same way Ramirez did; guess that figures, with what he’d said about not being a heavy-hitter. Sanya hastily moved the rest of the ponies out of the open and into cover. “Get down, little ponies! Alright, here is plan: first we--where is the blue pony with colorful mane?”

Stars and stones, what had Rainbow gone and done this time? I was starting to seriously consider getting a leash for her. Then again, from what I’ve seen of her flying power, that would probably just result in me getting dragged along for the ride the next time she did something crazy and impulsive.

I chanced a quick look out the shattered window and spotted a rainbow streak zooming along the rooftops. A second late she shouted loud enough for me to hear her all the way down at ground level. “Ya think you can hide from me?” She let out a battle cry and dive-bombed the roof of one of the nearby buildings.

Huh. Looks like Rainbow’s impulsiveness was working out for us this time. I guess a pony who could fly at supersonic speeds would be pretty good at dealing with a couple rooftop snipers. Hell’s bells, she could probably outrun their bullets if she went all-out.

Before we could get to celebrating Rainbow’s victory, the squeal of tires on concrete echoed down the streets as two plain black vans screeched to a halt in front of the restaurant we had holed up in. My well-developed sense of paranoia told me I needed to get back into cover and get a shield up fast. I’ve learned through lots of painful experience that listening to my wizard-sense is usually a good way to keep myself more-or-less in one piece.

My wizard-sense was promptly vindicated when the side doors slid open on both vans and we were suddenly on the receiving end of a downright unhealthy amount of machine gun fire. Now that we were in cover, Lash and I were in a good enough position to keep everyone (and everypony) protected, but that did kind of leave us pinned down.

I put my brain to work on coming up with a way to neutralize those machine guns. Fire and force were out if I didn’t want to risk breaking the First Law of Magic. Fire tends to react badly to a stockpile of gunpowder and bullets, and throwing the kind of raw force you’d need to bend and damage a steel machine gun is probably gonna do just as many nasty things to the person wielding it. Sure, as far as the Council was concerned I was already a borderline warlock just for doing what I needed to by going to the Outside on Mab’s orders, but that didn’t mean I should just go around breaking other Laws as I pleased.

One unpleasant lesson I’ve learned over the years, the Laws are there for a reason. I’ve seen what happens to wizards who get in the habit of ignoring the Laws, and it isn’t pretty. The thing is, magic is a fundamental part of a wizard’s identity. I’ve got enough of a body count to leave my soul in pretty bad shape as it is; if I got into the habit of just casually killing other humans with magic, it could push me over the edge.

Lucky for me, I’d picked up a couple new tricks from Mab. I waited until the fire slackened enough to give me a bit of opening, and then I made my move. “Hey assholes, Winter is coming! Arctis!”

That left one of the machine guns covered in ice and inoperable for a while, but it also prompted the remaining machine gun to start focusing all its fire on me. I’m a good wizard, but blocking a couple dozens bullets every second still takes up a pretty big chunk of my concentration.

However, now that all the bullets were headed my way, the pressure was off of everyone else: Sanya put a couple bursts from his AK-47 into the other van and Jenkins joined in with his pistol, but I couldn’t really tell how effective they were. Judging by the way I was still getting shot at it didn’t look like they were doing too great. It would be be just like Nicky to cheat and armor-up his kill-team vans.

Sadly, Lash didn’t seem to have picked up any old-fashioned firepower yet. Not that I had much space to criticize her on that point when I hadn’t gotten around to picking up a new gun myself. In my defense, Arctis Tor doesn’t have any gun shops. Hell’s Bells, they don’t even have a Starbucks.

Just to make things even better, I could see the cultists in the other van taking the machine gun I’d covered in ice off of its tripod and moving another one up to replace it. Dammit, why did Nicodemus have to make his cultists be competent, professional, and well-equipped instead of the traditional ragtag horde of screaming fanatics? You’d think a baddie who’d been around for over two thousand years would have a little more respect for tradition. If he could just get over the whole cutting-out-their-tongues thing, his cultists would be just about indistinguishable from any ordinary group of mercenaries or special forces, and that’s just wrong. Insane demon cultists should wear tattered robes, not kevlar.

Just to top things off, a grenade came flying over my shield. Oh great, now they were using tactics too.

Before I could start panicking, Derpy gave a quick flap of her wings, met the grenade in mid-air, and batted it back where it came from. “Here’s your ball back!” The grenade bounced into the van with the iced-up machine gun, and the two cultists manhandling the replacement gun onto the tripod had just enough time to look horrified before the grenade ripped them and the rest of the van around them to pieces.

Derpy flinched at the explosion and hastily landed. “I didn’t do it!” she hastily blurted.

“Good work, Derpy.” I was a little shaken up about having another one of the ponies pick up a body count, even if it had been purely by accident, but under the circumstances I couldn’t really complain. At least I could still be horrified that things had gotten to the point where ponies needed to kill.

Seeing their buddies go kaboom seemed to give the pair of cultists hosing me down with bullets a pause, and Jenkins took advantage of the opening to chuck something into their van. For a second I wondered if he was carrying a grenade of his own, but what he threw didn’t look anything like a grenade and instead of a big explosion there was just a loud bang and a flash of light bright enough to leave spots in my eyes. Considering I was a good fifty feet away from Jenkins’ little magical flashbang and it still kinda got me, I didn’t envy the cultists.

Before the two baddies could begin to recover from being flashbanged, a bright blue aura sprang up around the machine gun and whirled it around to face its former wielders. They might have been wearing kevlar, but there aren’t any bullet-proof vests on the market that can stand up to a couple dozen .50 caliber rounds in the span of a few seconds. My old heavily enchanted leather duster had barely managed to stop a single .50 caliber round, and the hit still left me hurting.

I shot a rather stunned look back at Rarity. Derpy accidentally blowing up a couple baddies was one thing, but Rarity had known exactly what she was doing when she took control of that machine gun. For her part, Rarity was staring at the mangled corpses of the cultists in open-mouthed horror, and her eyes watered with unshed tears. That lasted until we heard the sound of gunfire in the distance, probably some of the baddies taking potshots at Rainbow. That seemed to snap her out of it, and she gave a quick shake of her head. “I shall do what I must to protect my friends.” Her voice quivered at the word 'must' but her expression never wavered.

So now I was seeing the ponies deliberately killing people. They were making some disturbingly fast progress in the death and mayhem department. Still, if the alternative was letting the baddies take us down...

I took a quick look back to make sure everyone was still more-or-less intact. The good news was that I didn’t see any bullet holes in any of the humans or ponies. The slightly-less-good news was that Sanya and Applejack were nowhere to be seen. My ears were still ringing a bit from all the gunfire, but after a couple seconds I heard the sound of a struggle going on in the kitchen behind us, along with Applejack’s distinct country twang.

I kicked open the double-doors to find Applejack and Sanya fighting back-to-back against what was left of a small squad of Nicky’s goons. Geeze, they’d actually been trying to flank us on top of everything else? Nicky's minions are way too intelligent to be proper goons. I swear, if they were any smarter they wouldn’t be working as cannon fodder for an omnicidal evil overlord.

Then again, they couldn’t be that smart if they were getting their asses kicked by a cute little four-foot-tall cartoon pony. I walked in just in time to see Applejack plant her forehooves and buck one of the baddies hard enough to send him flying back like he’d been hit with a sledgehammer. He didn’t get back up after that hit, so he was either unconscious or smart. Then again, the fact that Sanya promptly put a couple bullets in him to keep him from getting back up kinda ruled out smart.

I decided to help them take down what was left of the flanking force with a couple quick spells. A couple cries of ‘Arctis’ later, the remaining cultists weren’t exactly capable of offering much resistance. “Looks like those guys have just been ... put on ice.”

Sanya smirked at me. “I think you are enjoying these ice puns more than you should.”

“What can I say, the ponies were a bad influence on me. Seriously, they’ve got cities named Manehatten, Fillydelphia, and Canterlot. It’s a punster’s paradise.” Spending so much time in the land of pony puns was probably a contributing factor in my decision to start making like Mister Freeze. I should probably be grateful I hadn’t spent enough time around them to start adding words like ‘everypony’ to my vocabulary.

I couldn’t spend too much time celebrating that victory though, since there was more gunfire coming from the front. Guess the baddies must have brought some reinforcements in. I felt kinda bad for whoever actually owned this restaurant. I hope their insurance policy covers fights between a group of demon cultists and a rag-tag alliance of wizards, cartoon ponies, and an agnostic paladin.

I quickly rushed back into the main room, which was looking like a low-level warzone. Lash had a shield up and was working on defense, while Jenkins was alternating between taking shots with his pistol and chucking some more little odds and ends out of his pouches. Pinkie had deployed the Party Cannon and, to my ongoing discomfort, Rarity had also picked up an assault rifle from one of the downed cultists.

One of the baddies managed to get into cover, but Jenkins pulled a knife and tossed it right at the guy. I was a little skeptical about how effective that would be until the knife curved around the wall the cultist was using for cover and buried itself in his skull a little too effectively for a vanilla, human throw.

Huh, so he’d enchanted his throwing knives. That was a smart way of doing things. It’s a bit of a grey area with the First Law, but technically the sharp chunk of steel was still doing the killing--magic was just kinda helping it along.

“Arctis!” The floor turned to ice right in front of a pair of charging cultists, sending them both sliding to the ground. “Stay frosty, guys.” I was relieved when Jenkins finished them off instead of one of the ponies. At least I hadn’t ruined them that much. Between the five combatants here, it looked like we had things under control.

In hindsight, I really should’ve known better than to think that.

One of the cultists managed to slip around Lash’s shield long enough to get a couple shots off. The good news that I put up a shield of my own before he pulled the trigger. The bad news was that he wasn’t aiming at me. My stomach dropped out from underneath me when I heard Fluttershy scream in pain.

Rarity riddled the guy with bullets an instant later, but the damage had already been done. I chanced a look back to see how badly Fluttershy had been hit. I couldn’t tell how bad it was, but she had both hooves over the right side of her face trying to stem the flow of blood. Oh god, please let her be alright. I couldn’t lose one of them.

I was about to turn on the cultists and unleash a helping of righteous wrath when the building started shaking and I felt a mildly terrifying amount of magical energy building up. I shot a look at the source to see Twilight Sparkle trembling in fury. Her eyes were blank white voids, and her horn was glowing almost painfully bright. “Nopony hurts my friends.”

An instant later, all the remaining cultists disappeared in a twinkle of purple light. For a few seconds, none of us moved a muscle. I was still locked in place, half-crouched with my shield bracelet at the ready, ready to kick it back up the second I heard gunfire. Sanya and Rarity both had their backs velcroed to the wall as they reloaded, while Derpy cautiously poked her head up over the top of the middle counter.

A blur dove in through the shattered window, scaring me shitless and bringing every weapon or spell to bear in an instant. I heard an angry click as someone’s weapon malfunctioned, and Rarity let loose with a string of panicked words which I doubted would be permitted on any normal kids’ show. Fortunately for her--and our intruder--it was Rainbow Dash that had made the insertion.

“Dude, it just got crazy quiet out there. What happened?” She saw Jenkins break cover to kneel next to a very, very still yellow figure. “What happened?!” She shrieked.

Lash, Pinkie, Derpy, and Twilight kept the entrance covered while Jenkins and Rarity moved to take care of Fluttershy and Rainbow hovered over them anxiously. I was technically supposed to be covering the entrance too, but it was kinda hard to stay focused on that when most of my brain was busy panicking over whether or not we’d just lost the sweetest pony I’d ever known. It was probably a good thing Lash was on door duty with us, because I’m pretty sure Twilight and Pinkie were just as distracted as I was.

After a minute of coaxing from Rarity, Fluttershy finally moved her hooves enough for the rest of us to get a look at how bad her injury was. To my immense relief, it was just a flesh wound: the bullet had just grazed one of her cheeks deep enough to bleed a lot, but not bad enough to do real damage. It could’ve been a lot worse--thinking I’d lost Rainbow Dash had caused more than enough pain for me.

“Everypony else okay?” Shit, too late. My vocabulary has been infected by ponydom. The ponies and I were being co-bad influences on each other. The rest of the ponies slowly nodded, and I let out a relieved breath. That could have gone a lot worse.

Lash turned to Twilight with a slight frown on her face. “Twilight, what happened to those cultists?”

“Oh, I sent them to the moon,” Twilight answered with shocking casualness. “I picked up the spell after what happened when Cel ... when I was sent to the moon.”

Lash, Jenkins, and I all stared at Twilight in horror. Seriously, she could do that? Just ... teleport a couple dozen people to the moon? That was ... wow.

Twilight seemed to have picked up on how shocked and horrified we were. “I only sent them there for a couple days!” She offered in her own defense. “I just wanted to give them a chance to think things over and realize that what they were doing was wrong.”

Oh ... oh man. I guess Twilight wouldn’t know that our moon worked a little differently from the one back in Equestria. I needed to break that bit of news to her, but I wasn’t quite sure how to let her know that all the people she’d zapped to the moon were very dead. That’s not exactly the kind of news that easy to break to someone.

Lash cleared her throat to catch the unicorn’s attention. “Twilight Sparkle: the moon in this reality has no atmosphere to speak of. You have sent our opponents to a cold vacuum.”

Twilight gave a sharp shake of her head and let out a nervous little chuckle. “Nonono, I--I've been to the moon, it doesn't work like that. You just don't know how your own moon works, you must not have studied it enough. Look, I'll bring one of them back, and you'll see I'm right.”

Twilight’s horn flashed, and next thing we knew one of the cultists was back. I was a bit relieved to discover that apparently all those science fiction B-movies had lied to me--people didn’t explode when they went out into space unprotected. He was still pretty indisputably corpsey though. Twlight fell onto her haunches in shock. “N--no, w--what have I...”

I stepped up and gave her what I hoped was a comforting little pat on the shoulder. “First kill's always the hardest.” Twilight turned her head away from the body and emptied the contents of her stomach onto my shoes. “Eeyup ... always the hardest ...”

Fluttershy, now sporting a bandage on her face, quickly flew up and wrapped Twilight in a hug. The unicorn sniffled into her friend’s shoulder. “I-I-I d-didn't... That wasn't - it wasn't supposed to happen that way. I didn't mean to...”

Rarity set her gun down and trotted up to put a comforting hoof on Twilight's back. Honestly, Rarity was looking just about as shaky as Twilight was, but I guess it figured that the pony who picked up the Element of Generosity would hold off on her breakdown while one of her friends needed her. “Darling, you did what you did to protect your friends. I would much rather see them d--dead than allow my friends to be harmed in their place.”

Now that it was reasonably clear we didn’t need to worry about any more cultist attacks or other unpleasant surprises in the immediate future, the rest of the ponies gathered round to offer Twilight some comfort. A part of me wanted to join in, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to do that. After all, I’d brought them here and put them in a situation where they’d needed to use lethal force to defend themselves. Hell’s Bells, from what I could tell of how the fight had gone down, Fluttershy--and possibly Pinkie and Rainbow Dash--were the only ponies who hadn’t racked up some kind of body count.

Still, having a look at what Twilight was capable of when she went all out was just a little intimidating. Suddenly I was very happy that we had all dodged the possibility of fighting a Twinarian.

Sure, Pinkie could be scary with the reality warping and cartoon silliness, but zapping people into outer space was the kind of stuff that would have made a lot of the baddies on my end of the gates shit their pants in terror. Even the big heavy hitters kinda needed to have a breathable atmosphere. I certainly didn’t have any tricks up my sleeve to get me out of being teleported to the moon, and I hadn’t heard of anyone else coming up with a counter for that either.

This is what it must have felt like for my friends and allies to see me in action. Hell's Bell's, she was on my side, and I was just a little scared of what she could do. It was a little intimidating to know that she could take me down with a single spell and there was nothing I could really do to stop her.

I made a mental note to look into coming up with some kind of anti-teleportation magic. I definitely didn’t want to find out that some other big nasty could pull that particular trick on me. There are all kinds of unpleasant tricks you can pull on someone when you have the ability to teleport them around.

I used to respect Twilight Sparkle. She was smart, capable, a natural born leader, and impressively talented with magic. But after what I had just seen, I didn’t respect her anymore. No, respect was a term I used for people like Karrin Murphy, a tough ex-cop with top marks in shooting and enough martial arts training to turn a guy like me into a pretzel. Carlos Ramirez, a fellow Warden who had jumped into the fire with me to get into some of the nastiest fights I had ever been in. Michael Carpenter, a former Knight of the Cross, and a man who I had called the Fist of God. They were people I would have gladly stood back to back with in any fight, and trust with my life. Hell’s Bells, it was a term I would have used for all the cute, candy colored equines with me now—except one.

I didn’t respect Twilight Sparkle anymore, no, I feared her. You see, fear is another category I also organized people under. I feared things that I don’t stand a very good chance of going toe-to-toe with and walking away. I’m kinda funny in that I like to live, despite what my habit of jumping head-first into mortal peril might indicate. I fear people like the senior members of the White Council because any one of them could turn a dumb muscle wizard like me inside out. I feared big nasties like He Who Walks Behind and the Skinwalker considering there was a very good chance I would end up as a bloody smear if I went up against them in a straight up fight. I sure as hell feared beings like Mab, Titania, and Celestia, who could kill me with pretty much contemptible ease. This was the company I now put Twilight with.

After what she had just shown me? Yeah, I was more than a little terrified of her.

Twilight had used magic to kill. Sure, she hadn’t meant to, but that only counts for so much. Now that I’d gone and souled her up, she needed to worry about little things like having that soul corrupted. The thing about killing is, it starts getting easier after a while. I would know. I didn’t like the idea that this cute little innocent pony had just taken the first step on the path to the Dark Side. Especially since I’d been the one to nudge her down that path.

I was now faced with the fact I may have been responsible for unleashing something very scary on the world. I was possibly in the middle of something a lot of people were going to regret. By giving Twilight a soul and then motivating her with a caustic sentiment like revenge ... God forgive me if I was taking a sweet, smart, and funny unicorn librarian and turning her into a monster as terrible as anything I had ever encountered--because I wouldn’t be able to.

Still, that was a worry for the future. What Twilight might become in the future wouldn’t matter one bit if we all ended up dead today. Besides, she still seemed to have her moral compass more or less working. Heck, she was taking it a lot harder than ponies like Rarity and Derpy had taken their kills. Sure, I might have pushed the idea of using revenge as a coping mechanism on Twilight, but she was still clearly horrified by the idea that she had taken a life. She was going to be okay. Well, as okay as anyone gets after all the hell these ponies were going through.

The worst part was we weren’t even close to done yet. This was just the opening skirmish with some of Nicky’s cultists; there were going to be more fights before it was all over, and probably against much worse than normal humans. Hell, if that one cultist had slightly better aim we would’ve lost Fluttershy. I just hope that when it’s over all the ponies can go back home.

The Maw of Madness

To my immense disappointment, no more baddies got in my way.

I was expecting Nicky to keep throwing his cannon fodder cultists at us, and maybe even hit us with a couple more of the pet Denarians he had up his sleeve. Even if none of them managed to get past my defenses to cause any casualties, just fighting off the attacks would cost us. Nicodemus and Discord were already bad enough news as it was–forcing us to face them tired and worn out would make it worse.

Which just left me with the question of why Nicky had backed off on the attack. There was really only one conclusion that made sense–for perhaps the first time in his life, Nicodemus might have been dealing with me in a semi-honest fashion. Maybe he really did just want out by this point, now that he’d gotten whatever he wanted from his arrangement with Discord. Hell, maybe he was even starting to regret letting an evil spirit of chaos that had apparently slipped beyond his control loose in the world, if for no other reason than the fact that Discord was out-eviling him.

Honestly, having him turn tail and make a run for it wasn’t the worst thing that could happen for us from a tactical point of view. We’d been putting up a good fight so far, but nobody was going to complain about the upcoming final battle being a little easier on all of us. The ponies were worn out, physically and emotionally. Over the last couple days, they’d gone from living in their happy little cartoon world to being thrust into a world full of war, pain, and death. Hell’s bells, Fluttershy and Rarity still had some of Derpy’s blood in their coats.

But despite everything they’d gone through, they were still pushing forward. They might be tired and battered, but they weren’t broken. Rainbow Dash had nearly died a couple times, and Twilight had taken one hell of a physical and psychological beating, but they weren’t letting that stop them. No matter how bad thing got, we were all going to see this thing through to the end.

As bad as it had gotten, we were almost through this thing. Stars and stones, we were ninety nine percent of the way done–we just needed to take on the evil god of chaos and the ancient head of an order of psychotic demonhosts, and we’d be done. When you put it like that, it doesn’t sound too bad. Heck, the rest of this should be a cakewalk.

My leg was still twinging in pain as we walked. Stabilizing Derpy had taken pretty much every bit of juice Lash had to spare, so there hadn’t been anything left over to fix up my bunny-bites (stop laughing, those really hurt) or Rainbow’s damaged wing. At least Fluttershy and Rarity had managed to bandage us up reasonably well. Sure, my leg still hurt every time I took a step, but I’ve learned how to deal with pain. You have to, if you wanna last in my line of work.

It was pretty easy to tell when we finally arrived at Discord’s base. I’m admittedly not that familiar with any city other than Chicago, but I’m pretty sure Vancouver normally doesn’t have a giant upside-down castle that somehow managed to combine eye-burningly bright pinks and greens in some kind of plaid pattern, and then covered all that in yellow polka-dots.

The giant neon sign labeling it ‘Discord’s Top-Secret Hidden Base (Shh!)’ was also a pretty good hint.

Since Discord’s headquarters obviously didn’t have anything as sane and ordinary as a front door, I was at a bit of a loss for how we should get in. I was about to go with the direct approach of using a couple blasts of pure kinetic force to make my own door when I saw someone walking towards us.

From the looks of the guy, he’d been one of Nicodemus’ cultists at one point. However, he’d swapped out the urban-pattern military camo most of Nicky’s goons had been wearing for something about as insanely garish as Discord’s headquarters. It also, to my immense discomfort, had what were almost certainly deliberate coverage gaps. I could’ve gone my entire life without finding out what kind of equipment Nicky’s goons were packing downstairs.

The apparent Discord cultist opened his mouth, and a foot-long tongue spilled out of it. Well, maybe that explained how he’d managed to steal some of Nicodemus’ thugpower–getting a tongue back would make for a fairly nice recruitment incentive. Or maybe it was just another example of Discord’s twisted sense of humor–Nicky’s goons had no tongues, so Discord’s would be extra tongue-y.

The cultist tried to speak, but between the fact that he’d probably only recently gained the ability to talk at all and the fact that he had to work with a ridiculously long tongue, it was kinda hard to actually make it out. “The gheat 'ohd Discohd wi' thee yoo now. Pease follow ‘e.”

The cultist walked over to a giant slide set into one side of Discord’s crazy castle, and took a seat. As soon as he was in position, he started going up the slide, because apparently gravity was working in reverse now. I guess the upside-down castle made that obvious. To be honest, Discord tended to mess around with the basic laws of reality so much that I was starting to get a little jaded about the whole experience. There’s only so much total insanity you can throw at someone before their brain stops trying to tell them that this shouldn’t be happening, and instead they just start kind of dully nodding and accepting it all.

The worst part was, while it was definitely in the top ten, Discord’s whole crazy palace of insanity wasn’t the most insane thing I’d seen. Wizards tend to have weird lives. Like that time when I killed a Black Court vampire with a turkey, that was a real winner.

I wasn’t too sure about going up Discord’s crazy slide of anti-gravity though. Discord did seem to have the taste for theatrics that’s a must for any Saturday morning cartoon villain, but as a general rule letting the baddies run your transportation is not a smart move. It wouldn’t exactly be hard for Discord to just dump us into his dungeon or whatever.

Before I could get around to sharing that particular thought, Pinkie Pie shouted, “Whee! That looks like fun!” and jumped onto the slide. A slightly annoyed-looking Rainbow Dash followed her a second later, and before long the rest of the ponies were headed up too.

Well, so much for caution. Sanya shot a look at me, gave a bemused shrug, and then hopped onto the slide behind the ponies. After a moment, I resigned myself to giving into peer pressure and hopped onto the slide as well.

It's not fun when the dumb muscle wizard with anger issues and a tendency to leap into dangerous to suicidal situations is the last to jump into the latest suicide mission. Well, at least we could count on Discord treating us to a horribly hammy monologue instead of doing something pragmatic like just shooting us.

The slide took us up to the top of Discord’s palace, and next thing I knew there were a couple dozen of Discord’s brand new cultists, all pointing guns at us.

Oh. Well crap.

That’s what I get for making assumptions.

I tried to bring a shield up, but just protecting myself wasn’t good enough–much as I’m a fan of saving my own ass, Sanya and the ponies weren’t bulletproof, and the range was way too close for them to pull off any kind of dodging. The half second I needed to expand my shield out enough to try to cover everyone was half a second I didn’t have to spare–the instant we’d landed, the cultists pulled the triggers, and their guns started roaring.

And then we all started getting pelted with Nerf darts.

The guns pointed at us looked exactly like the real deal, complete with muzzle flash, the smell and sound of gunpowder, and shell casings going flying. But instead of being riddled with bullets, the only thing hitting us was soft foam darts. Stars and stones, the Nerf projectiles were about twice as wide as the barrels of the guns they were flying out of, and clearly wouldn’t fit into the ammo clips either, but Discord’s brand of crazy clearly didn’t care about details like that.

After we’d all been thoroughly Nerfed into oblivion, the cultists stepped back, pulled out a bunch of umbrellas, flyswatters, feather dusters, and other bizarre items, then crossed them overhead like they were some sort of honor guard. Then they started cheering us on.

“Go Dresden!”

“Kick Discord’s ass, Rainbow Dash!”

“Smack him with the motherfucking rainbow of friendship, Twilight!”

Okay ... this was moving a couple places higher on my list of weirdest things that have happened to me. I swear, Discord must really want to snag the top spot on list of freaky stuff. Maybe that was his goal–to live on in my memory as that one guy who did the craziest things I’d ever seen, even a hundred years after he’s been re-statue-ified by the ponies. Makes perfect sense really–the world does revolve around me, after all.

After a bit of hesitation, we started going through Discord’s strange little honor guard arrangement. From the way Discord generally seemed to work, it was a fair bet that those umbrellas and feather dusters were very dangerous weapons. Discord did seem to work on a strange sort of anti-logic that was almost predictable in how insane and unpredictable it was.

I’m not sure what I expected to find when we entered Discord’s lair. Probably something crazy, bizarre, and in total defiance of any form of sanity. That’s probably why instead of the pit of madness, Discord had a fairly ordinary sort of office type place–because right now ordinary was about the last thing I would’ve expected from him. Honestly, if not for the fact that a couple of his looney-looking stolen cultists were in the room, I might’ve almost believed that we’d somehow gotten away from all the crazy.

Just to cap off the madness of mundanity, Discord suddenly popped into the room, dressed in the closest approximation to an ordinary business suit a ... whatever the hell his species was could wear. “Now now, we need to work faster.” He shot a critical look over the non-cultists, which I could probably safely assume were the production crew for the ponies’ cartoon. “Cupcakes was a big hit, but we’ve only got a week to finish up Rainbow Factory and Sweet Apple Massacre! So many wonderful stories, and so little time to share them all with our adoring audience!”

Pinkie sat back shaking her head at the mention of those two names--whatever Discord was talking about was bad enough to put her on her rear. I mean, she’d been sickened at what had almost happened with her back in Canterlot, but I saw a special kind of horror in her eyes. The kind I’d felt when I saw how extensively Nicodemus had tortured the Archive to try and break her. I’ve got no idea what Discord was up to, but if it was anything like what he’d done to Pinkie ... no way I was letting him do that.

“Hey asshole!” That got his attention. “Infriga!” Before the freaky chaos-creature even knew what hit him, there was a giant Discord-shaped block of ice imprisoning him. Not that I was going to stop there. “Forzare!”

Next thing everyone knew, they were covered in little frozen chunks of Discord. Huh, well that worked a little better than I expected. “Poor bastard just went to pieces.”

Before I could do too much basking in my triumph, I saw all the little frozen Discord-chunks start moving on their own. Within a couple seconds they’d all gathered back up into a single mass, and then Discord was back, looking no worse for the wear. I suppose I should’ve expected that, but just once I’d like to get into a fight with some big nasty that really does go that easily.

“Oh come on!” I leveled my blasting rod at Discord like an accusing finger. “You totally ripped that off!” I looked around for someone (or pony) to back me up, but nobody seemed to be jumping on the opportunity. I let out annoyed grumble. “Doesn’t anyone watch the good old classics anymore?” I put on a very bad imitation of an Austrian accent. “‘I’ll be back.’ ‘Hasta la vista, baby.’ Anyone?” Still no takers. Darn, you’d think with this many people around there would be a couple people who might appreciate my sense of humor. “You people need to get out more.”

Well, if I’m being fair, I suppose most of the normals were probably just in shell shock from seeing a wizard suddenly charge into the room and blast the fictional character that had somehow come to life in order to torment them. That’s the kinda thing that catches a lot of people by surprise, for some reason, and leaves them a bit too stunned to appreciate my wonderful sense of humor. Kinda hard to laugh at a good reference when your brain’s too busy thinking ‘Oh God, what the fuck just happened?’ on a repeating loop.

Then again, maybe Discord should get a pass on stealing his recovery method, since I suppose the freeze and shatter trick came from the same movie. Oh well.

If ice wouldn’t do the job, then maybe it was time fall back on the old classics. When in doubt, set it on fire. That usually works. Just to be sure, I put a little Soulfire into the spells to give it some extra kick. “Fuego!”

A bar of blue-white fire shot out of my blasting rod, straight for Discord’s head. He might be tough, but fire is one of the best elements out there for causing irreversible damage. It’s a magically and spiritually purifying force, and even a near miss can be devastating. Sure, Discord had survived Celestia’s fire magic, but now I was flinging fire in my universe – one that works according to sane rules, not crazy cartoon logic. I had a chance to at least do some damage.

Right before my blast would’ve hit him, Discord casually reached up and plucked the blast of fire out of the air like it was an annoying fly. Then he snapped the talons on his free paw to produce two slices of bread, and made a sandwich out of my spell. Then he did ... well what most people do after they make a sandwich. He ate it. “Ahh,” Discord let out a satisfied little belch of flame. “Spicy.”

Okay, I was clearly a little outmatched here. That was okay, I’ve dealt with being outmatched one way or another for pretty much my entire life as a wizard. It’s just part of how things go. Being the underdog never stopped me from finding a way to do some damage–it just meant I needed to drop the brute force approach and start getting creative.

I took a quick look around the room, and spotted my chance. Crazy as it sounds, Discord’s insane physics-defying fortress wasn’t exactly built up to code. From what I could tell, the only thing keeping it standing was a couple very interesting and completely freaky spells. Discord’s magic was obviously on a completely different level from mine, but one of the nice things about the way magic works is that it’s a lot easier to destroy than it is to create. “Nullus!”

Without Discord’s crazy magic supporting it, a chunk of the ceiling right above the chaos god gave into gravity and collapsed, burying Discord under a couple tons of solid rock. “Looks like Discord,” I paused for dramatic effect, “...just got stoned.”

For some reason, that prompted Pinkie to scream "Yeeeeaaah!" and put on a pair of sunglasses. I don’t even try to understand why she does the things she does anymore.

The rocks I’d dropped on top of Discord crumbled, and once more he emerged more-or-less unscathed. Well, unless you count the fact that his entire torso was making like an accordion. Literally. It was even playing the show’s theme song.

“Uh, Harry?” Applejack shot me one of those looks I tend to get whenever I’m being less than completely brilliant. “Maybe you oughta just let us use the Elements on him instead of tryin’ to blast him with your own magic.”

Gotta admit, she probably had a point. So far all my spells had accomplished was to tap out a chunk of my energy and leave my fragile ego in ruins. Still, even if I couldn’t take Discord down completely by myself, in a fit of righteous wrath, I should be able to make, well, some kind of meaningful contribution. “Alright Applejack, you and the other get ready while I ... I...”

Okay, so I kind of lost my train of thought halfway through that sentence. In my defense, a lot of wizards would be distracted by discovering that their blasting rod had just been transformed into a rubber chicken.

Dammit, I’d just finished carving a new blasting rod and staff to make up for the ones I lost in the whole thing with the Red Court, and now on my very first outing with them I’d gotten my staff used as a chew toy by the rabbit from hell, and now my blasting rod was gone too. “What’re you gonna do next, take away my duster?”

Okay, I really should’ve known better than to say something like that. He didn’t even let me empty out the pockets before he zapped it away. Good thing I’d left all the Denarian coins I’d picked up back with Lash, or we would be in serious trouble.

Sanya grinned at me and declared with the sort of fatalistic optimism that only a Russian could manage. “Look on bright side, Harry. At least you still have your dignity.”

Discord snapped hit talons again, and the rest of my clothes were replaced with stiletto heels, a bright pink feather boa, and white boxers with little red hearts on them. After a couple seconds of precarious wobbling, I fell flat on my face–it was my first time wearing heels. “Dammit, Sanya.” At least all the magic I’d been throwing Discord’s way should have fried any cameras or other recording devices, so hopefully this wouldn’t be immortalized on film.

Sanya just smiled at me and shrugged, as if to say ‘Sorry, I couldn’t resist.’

I nearly had my eardrums blasted out by a high pitched feminine shriek of horror. “Oh Celestia, it’s hideous!” Rarity fixed her eyes on me, and her horn started glowing bright blue. “Discord, you monster. This is a crime against fashion!”

One bit of unicorn magic later, I was back in my old clothes, except that now they were ... Rarified. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that she wouldn't just restore my old T-shirt and jeans, that was far too drab for her. The good old black duster was intact, but now I was stuck in a dark red button-down shirt and black slacks. At least I hadn’t been decked out in overdone war bling, and it was certainly a massive step up from what Discord had left me wearing. “Rarity, I could kiss you.”

For reasons that I’m sure had absolutely nothing to do with anything other than friendly concern for her completely platonic friend, Applejack glared at me when I said that. Hell’s bells, giving ponies souls and free will really did cause all kinds of weirdness.

For her part, Rarity blushed a bit at and tossed her tail in a way that had nothing to do with swatting away insects. “Really now darling, it’s nothing worth making a fuss over. I wanted to give you something a bit nicer, but I think my gem-finding spell doesn’t work properly on your world. I can’t even find a single fifty carat sapphire.”

Okay, time to clear this up before I got into trouble–or worse,started giving Discord ideas. “Just for the record, I’m not a ponysexual.”

“I could change that.” Discord looked a little too intrigued by the thought.

Okay, that wasn’t happening. There definitely wasn’t a hint of panic in my voice as I called out to the ponies. “Hey girls? You ready to start blasting him with the magical friendship yet? ‘Cause now would be a really good time to do that.”

“Oh yes, by all means, ‘friend’ me.” Discord casually lounged back over a couple cubicles, much to the dismay of the poor animators occupying them. “Assuming your Elements would even still work on me in the first place. After all, we’re not in Equestria anymore.” A particularly nasty grin appeared on his face, and he casually steepled his mismatched hand/paw/talon things. “So tell me, girls, how does it feel to know that your entire lives are nothing more than the fantasies of these upright primates?”

Sanya frowned at the spirit of chaos, as though he was trying to decide whether sticking Esperacchius into him would accomplish anything. The Swords of Cross are pretty darn powerful, but with how crazy Discord tends to make things there’s no way to be sure. Well, unless Sanya tried to stab him. It usually becomes pretty clear if you are hurting something when you stab it with a holy sword. “You do realize that the same applies to you? You are also cartoon character.”

Discord brought his lion paw hand up under his chin while pondered that for a bit, then just shrugged it off. “Me specifically, maybe. But the concept I represent? Eternal. Besides, I think I’ve rather turned the tables on my so-called creators, wouldn’t you say?” Discord snapped his talons and teleported over to Fluttershy, giving her a couple condescending little pats on the head. “But you poor little ponies never did manage to take control of your own destiny, did you? The minute you fall off the script, you all turn into a bunch of killers. Do you actually think your friendship is real, or just something a bunch of writers came up with to teach little girls a few cockneyed lessons about friendship?”

Rainbow tried to fly up into Discord, but having one wing bandaged against her side kept that from working. Instead she settled for smacking one of his legs with a hoof, which didn’t seem to accomplish anything other than getting his attention. “Who cares if we're a buncha cartoons? We're still gonna kick your sorry ass!

“Darn tootin'!” Applejack nodded as she pawed at the floor. “We mighta started out as a buncha cartoon critters, but we're a hay of a lot more than that now!”

Fluttershy surprised me by speaking up, and sounding surprisingly assertive about it. “It doesn't matter how we were created, whether we were born the normal way or made by cartoonists. What matters is that our friendship is real.”

Discord let out an evil little chuckle, shrank down, and started tap-dancing on my head. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t even get a grip on him to get him off. “Oh, but don't you see?” The evil god of chaos asked mockingly. “Your friendship isn't real. It wasn't you who built your friendship. Not really. These oversized monkeys made you do those things. Your entire lives are lies. All it would have taken was the a few lines on a script to end it all.”

Rainbow Dash ran up to me and got up on her hind legs, planting her forehooves on my shoulders for balance so she could look Discord more-or-less in the eye. I staggered back just a bit when she put her weight on me–these ‘little’ ponies might be small compared to real horses, but they still had a nice chunk of mass behind them. If I didn’t have my Winter Knight mojo bumping up my strength some, she probably would’ve knocked me over completely. “I don't care. So what if some weird humans made us? My friends are my friends, and nothing you say is going to change that!”

Discord finally stopped tap-dancing on my head, much to my relief, and returned to his normal size. “Maybe what I say won’t change your mind, but what I write will. Don’t forget, little ponies, I control your world now.”

“Go ahead and write whatever you want!” Rainbow shot right back. “None of your stupid words are gonna beat me! Gimme your best shot!”

“Yeah!” Pinkie turned her head to the side, and then said nobody in particular. “Besides, I've known we were cartoon characters since forever.”

Discord grinned and rubbed his paw/talons. “With pleasure. Monkeys!” Discord snapped his talons, and suddenly the room was completely full of monkeys. Monkeys with typewriters. Admittedly some of them were opting to fling poo at each other instead of actually typing, but maybe that’s just part of the creative process. Writers can really get into arguments about the smallest things, from what I have heard. At least these weren’t flying demon monkeys with flaming poo.

Yes, those do exist.

Discord looked over his new collection of primate minions. “It's been said that a thousand monkeys typing on a thousand typewriters can write Shakespeare. I'm sure I'll manage to write a story filled with terrible spelling, bad characterization, and nonsensical plot structure to end you all.”

For the next minute or so, the sounds of monkey’s pounding away madly at the keys filled the room. I guess Discord hadn’t gotten the memo that I’d uncoupled the ponies from their cartoon roots by doing something completely insane. Nothing he wrote would have any effect on them. I liked being the one holding the critical bit of information for once.

When a whole lot of nothing kept happening, Rainbow smirked at Discord. “Gee, looks like whatever trick you tried isn’t gonna work, doesn’t it?”

For once Discord seemed to be at a loss for words. Pinkie Pie was quick to fill in the gap. “What's wrong? Cat got your tongue? Weasel got your whistler? Sea ponies got your shoo be doo?”

Discord grimaced and snatched a script out of one of the typewriters. “Let's see... terrible plot, Mary Sue self insert, poorly written dialogue, out of character actions, an ending that doesn't make sense and gives the characters no real choices, a moral that’s implemented in an unnecessarily cruel and hurtful way and contradicts the events of the story itself, it's all here.”

Discord shot another look at the ponies, clearly hoping they would decide to turn all evil and stupid on him. “Well, I suppose they can’t all be winners.” Discord crumpled the script up into a ball and tossed it over his shoulder, where it promptly exploded into a mass of whipped cream and streamers. After a couple seconds, the monkeys and their typewriters did the same.

Discord sighed and rolled his eyes, then started popping the knuckles on his talons and cracking his neck. “So trickery is out then. I suppose I should congratulate you on actually managing to get one past me, but in all honesty I’m just a bit sad that it looks like we’re going to have to do this the old fashioned way. How cliche.”

“Says the saturday morning cartoon villain,” I grumbled under my breath.

Twilight stepped up, her horn glowing as she readied her magic. “I've read enough books to know one more cliche–in the end the good ponies always win, and the villains always lose!”

Discord didn’t even dignify that with an answer, he just shot Twilight an annoyed look and waved a paw in her general direction. Twilight countered that with a shield-bubble spell that I recognized as her big brother’s. Unlike my shield spells, her’s actually blocked Discord’s crazy chaos magic.

Stupid unicorn magic. I bet they could get away with stuff just making a shield that blocks any and all bad stuff. Meanwhile, if I don’t remember to make a shield bracelet that specifically blocks ambient heat (and uses up a little more magic to do it), I get a roasted hand that would’ve been rendered completely useless if not for my wizard healing thing. I really need to see if there’s a way to use unicorn magic without being all horny. Maybe I could swap out being the Winter Knight for being the Equestrian Knight?

Discord seemed just as aggravated as I was by how disgustingly versatile and powerful Twilight’s magic could be. “So which cliche shall you pull out now? Your rainbows and sunshine MacGuffin Deus Ex Machina, an eleventh hour superpower, or maybe an ally will show up at the last minute? Or perhaps all three at once?”

“I've always been partial to having allies show up to save my ass,” I offered. I’d probably be dead a couple dozen times over if not for the fact that I had some very good friends. “Deus ex machinas are nice, but you can never really count on them when you need. As for last-minute superpowers ... well so far I haven’t found any of those that don’t come with some kind of horrible downsides, like being a Faerie Queen’s personal bitch. Allies are pretty handy though. They save me and mine a lot of pain–I like not going through pain.”

Discord turned back to me and smiled–I think that he might actually forgotten I was there for a bit. Not that I could blame him for ignoring me after how spectacularly my efforts to blast him had failed. “Ah yes, your allies have saved you so many times, Dresden. Pity you let Nicodemus get away.” Discord shot me a nasty smirk. “Again.”

I flinched at that, but tried very hard not to let it show. With the way his lackeys had all vanished, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that Nicodemus and his crew had already cleared out of town. That pissed me off, especially after what happened to Derpy and Jenkins. However, one of the things I’ve learned in the whole wizard business is to deal with the problems you can actually do something about instead of getting worked up over things that are beyond your control. I had no idea how to find Nicodemus, and no way to catch up with him even if I knew where he was. Discord, on the other hand, I could deal with. “Nicky will get his when the time comes, but for right now I’m worrying about bigger fish, and all that.”

Discord casually lounged on the ceiling and gave me a nasty little smile. “Whatever you tell yourself so you can sleep at night.” Discord casually studied his talons before announcing with clearly forced disinterest. “You know, teleporting you to his current location would hardly require any effort on my part. For that matter, I could send you to the lairs of any of your enemies really–you have oh so very many of them. More than you know.”

“Story of my life.” I swear, if I’d been born a pony my special talent would’ve been pissing off powerful and dangerous bad guys. I briefly wondered what that cutie mark would look like. “One thing I've learned from having everyone and their uncle after my head is how to prioritize–and you know what puts people at the top of my shitlist? Hurting somebody I care about.”

Discord let out a mocking chuckle. “Oh, I don’t doubt it. That explains why you're letting the man who shot Derpy, killed Jenkins and Shiro, crippled Michael, and tortured Ivy get away. Because you’re filled with righteous wrath at the thought of him getting away.”

Dammit, Discord really knew how to push my buttons. It’s enough to make me think he must have some kind of Intellectus covering that kind of thing. That, or he and Nicodemus spent a lot of time swapping war stories. Still, I knew what his game was–good old divide and conquer. Send me running off after Nicodemus, while he dealt with the ponies. “Like I said, priorities. Nicodemus might get away for today, but right now the stakes are too big to worry about anything other than making sure your ass is grass.”

“Oh yes, your ‘priorities,’” he said, using his fingers to make airquotes that actually stayed in place in the air. “Are you sure I’m the monster here? I mean really, I've only killed, oh, a few tens of thousands of people. Do you know how many Nicodemus and the Denarians he’s worked alongside have killed over the last two thousand years? I'll give you a hint, it has ten digits.”

Okay, even though I knew exactly what he was up to, it was getting harder and harder not to snap at Discord’s bait. The worst part was, that smile on his face just got wider and wider with every fresh barb. He was playing me, we both knew it, and it was still working. Discord went in for the kill. “I wonder, which of your friends do you think he'll kill next time? Molly? Murphy? Butters? Or perhaps even ... oh my, I had no idea you were a father.”

Oh hell no. Well, that probably did confirm that Discord had some kind of Intellectus going. There’s no way he could know about my daughter under normal circumstances, but if he was calling on some kind of magical insight to find out what he could say that would really get under my skin, well that would do it. I just hope he hadn’t spread that piece of knowledge around. I’d left Maggie in the care of the Carpenters specifically to avoid this kind of thing. If Nicky ever got his hands on Maggie... I'd seen the kind of damage he'd done to kids before. Ivy had taken a helluva beating, and keeping her alive and relatively intact been a central point to his plans. If he ever got ahold of someone he wanted to hurt just to get at me...

Sure, there were literal guardian angels watching over Michael’s place and keeping her safe, but even angels have their limits. Nicky might not be able to just kick in Michael’s front door, but he’s a sneaky enough bastard to know how to find a loophole in the rules. Like Uriel’s always so fond of telling me, angels can’t do much to interfere with mortal free will. Those guardian angels hadn’t done any good when a crazy priest kidnapped one of Michael’s daughters, unless you counted Uriel possibly giving me a couple subtle little nudges along the way. Maggie would probably be safe ... but when it came to my daughter, ‘probably’ wasn't good enough.

I admit it, Discord had me dead to rights. I wanted to go after Nicodemus. Bad. He’d gotten away with too much too often, hurt too many people and ponies for me to be okay with him just walking away at the end of it. Sure, the smart thing to do would be to worry about him later and focus on the potentially world-destroying baddie right in front of me, but I’ve never been accused of being very smart. When I actually remember to use it I’ve got a decent brain, but the problem is that when push comes to shove I tend to let my heart do the thinking instead of my head.

Still, I didn’t feel right about leaving the ponies in a dangerous situation like this. Sure, my initial efforts to put the smackdown on Discord ended in a colossal failure, but there was no guarantee the Elements would work here, and if they failed, having one more wizard on hand might be enough to make up the difference. Sure, Discord and the Elements of Harmony might be punching way above my weight class, but I’ve dealt with plenty of things that do that. I just needed to do the metaphorical equivalent of jostling Discord’s elbow at a critical moment, distract him in a critical half-second to give the ponies a chance to land a hit he might have been able to block or dodge otherwise.

On the other hand ... well it’s been pointed out more than once that I’m a bit on the protective side when it comes to the ponies. Possibly to the point of being a touch overprotective. Between the fact that they were female enough to fire up the chivalry centers of my brain and the fact that they still had an element of childlike innocence to them (though recent events had probably stripped a lot of that away), it was pretty easy for me stop seeing them as allies, and start thinking of them as creatures I needed to protect.

Thing is, they’d proved themselves more than once. Hell’s bells, if we’re gonna draw up the big list of allies who’ve saved my ass from something that would’ve killed me otherwise, I’d need to add some pony names to that list. It might also be a good idea to make sure nobody ever saw that list, because I’d probably never live it down if some of my friends found out my ass had been saved by creatures with names like Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight Sparkle.

Bottom line, the ponies were tough. Maybe it was time I started giving them a little more credit for that. “Can you guys take Discord?”

“We can handle him,” Twilight assured me. She gave the rest of her friends a loving smile. “Together my friends and I can do anything.”

“Go ahead, Harry,” Fluttershy added. “We'll be okay.”

Wow, even Fluttershy is telling me she'll be okay in combat? I don't know if I should be concerned or relieved. See, there I go not giving them enough credit again. Sure, Fluttershy might be one of the most gentle-natured creatures I’ve ever come across, but she can get downright dangerous when you threaten her friends. In a way, she was kind of like Michael–nice and gentle most of the time, but god help you if you pushed her into a fight.

Yeah, the ponies would be okay. I nervously licked my lips, and wished I still had a staff or blasting rod so I could tighten my grip on something. “Alright, let’s do this. Where’s Nicodemus?’

“I will go as well,” Sanya volunteered. “Ponies do not need my help to fight evil chaos god, but Harry does need help to fight ancient demon lord.” Great, I’m now officially ranked below pastel-colored equines on the list of people who can take care of themselves. As if my pride needed to take any more of a beating.

Discord grinned and snapped his talons, and the world disappeared in a flash of white light.

The Showdown

To my immense relief, Discord didn’t send the two of us into the middle of a volcano, a thousand feet up into the air, or anywhere else that would have disrupted my rather intense desire to continue living. I guess even evil trickster chaos gods keep their word every once in a while. After all, constant backstabbing would just be too predictable. Or maybe he just wanted Nicky dead for trying to cut and run more than he wanted me dead on the general principle of him being the bad guy.

It took me a bit to reorient myself—I’m not exactly used to getting teleported all over the place. Not that getting teleported had been part of my plan in the first place, though in hindsight I probably should’ve seen it coming. “And here I was thinking he'd just tell me. Shows me right for trying to predict the actions of a god of chaos.”

Sanya seemed to be taking a bit longer to get over the whole teleport shock thing. Maybe the whole wizard and Winter Knight thing gave me an edge there, or perhaps compared to gallivanting around the multiverse a little cross-town teleportation just wasn’t that big a deal. Heck, maybe some folks just get teleport-sick—if riding in a car or airplane can get some people, teleporting could too. Hadn’t that shown up in Star Trek at some point? Aw who knows, I’m a Star Wars guy, not a Trekkie.

We didn’t seem to be anywhere particularly remarkable. Just a random chunk of what was presumably Canadian suburbia. Actually, from what I vaguely recalled of North American geography, Vancouver was pretty close to the US border, so who knows? Whatever the case, you had the typical nice and semi-identical houses populated by nice, semi-identical husbands, wives, and two point five kids (or whatever the average is now).

Naturally two guys just randomly appearing out of nowhere caused a bit of a stir, especially since one of them was black and carrying an AK-47. The locals wasted no time rushing indoors and presumably calling the cops. Let’s hope response times aren’t too fast in the ‘burbs, because if a couple normal vanilla mortal cops showed up they’d be deader than Ensign Ricky when he got sent down to a planet with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy.

I might not be a hard-core Trek fan, but I do know the basics. Though I was wearing a red shirt now thanks to Rarity's makeover, so maybe I wasn't quite as genre savvy as I liked to think.

Sanya gave a quick shake of his head to clear out the final mental cobwebs, and hefted his assault rifle. “So, we are hunting Nicodemus now, da?”

“Hell yeah.” I would’ve felt a lot better if I hadn’t lost my staff and blasting rod before getting here, but I could deal with it. Nicodemus’ little noose necktie meant smacking him with any kind of attack magic wasn’t good for much more than slowing him down a bit anyway. The only real option I had for killing him was to get a good grip on said noosetie, and choke him to death with it. “Smug bastard's had this coming for years.”

“Da.” Sanya finished checking our immediate surroundings, and seemed satisfied enough by the absence of any normal threats to put up his gun and pull out Esperacchius. Guns would do about as much good against Nicky as magic, but a holy sword in the gut would be a bit more effective. He gave the saber a few quick swings, and then shot a glance my way. “I am curious, what is plan for fighting Nicodemus?”

Oh, right. A plan. I use those sometimes. “Uh, actually I don't have one,” I admitted sheepishly “I'm just kinda flying by the seat of my pants here.”

Sanya pondered that answer for a bit, and then offered a fatalistic shrug. “Perhaps today is good day to die.” He sounded entirely too cheerful about the possibility that the two of us were a couple minutes away from a gruesome and painful death. Freakin’ Russians.

Judging from the fact that we’d both survived a minute of post-teleport disorientation and the rest of the time we’d needed to get our bearings, Discord hadn’t dropped the two of us right on top of Nicodemus. I guess he wanted us to actually have a chance in hell of taking the bastard down. I guess the three of us duking it out was kind of a win-win scenario for him. I just hoped I hadn’t made a big mistake trusting the ponies to take him down on their own. Yeah, they’d impressed me more than once with how capable they were, but...

To hell with it. If I’d made the wrong choice it was too late to turn back now in any case. Nicodemus had done far too much for me to let him just ride off into the sunset, and if there was even the slimmest chance in hell that he was a threat to my daughter I had to take him down now. Sure, there was probably only a one-in-a-million chance that he knew and only a one-in-a-million chance that he could actually do anything, but that was too much of a risk. It’s a parental thing. Derpy would understand.

I let Sanya take the lead from here. I didn’t really have any way of tracking Nicodemus right now, but the Knights of the Cross have always had this knack for knowing where to go when evil needs to get punched in the snoz. There’s been more than one time when they saved my bacon by showing up a couple seconds before I would’ve ended up dead. Sadly, I don’t get many opportunities to return the favor. On the bright side, maybe I would get one in a couple minutes.

See? That’s the power of positive thinking.

With Sanya using his divine compass to lead the way it only took us a couple minutes to find Nicodemus. The denarian was standing in front of a nice black luxury car with the hood up, staring down at it in vague bemusement. One his little cultist buddies, presumably his driver or something, stood off to the side. Unfortunately, there was a complication.

This being the nice happy suburbs, some of the local cops had helpfully stopped to help out a motorist in distress. For some reason, the cops took one look at the tall, scruffy and disreputable looking guy in a duster that was just made for concealing weapons and the big black Russian toting a freaking assault rifle across his back, and decided we must be a couple of suspicious characters. No clue what could’ve given them that idea.

I guess the Big Guy's random luckorizor that usually helps out Knights of the Cross didn't pan out so well here. Well, it did help the two of us find Nicky in the first place, so I guess the scales had to get balanced out somehow. Heaven and hell are big on the whole balance thing.

Both the cops jumped in surprise when they saw us, and then pulled their guns. I suppose I should’ve been vaguely relieved that both of them were pointing at Sanya, since he was the only one openly carrying a sword and packing a decent collection of other weapons. One of them, who I promptly labelled Officer Pornstache, shouted. “Put the sword down and get your hands in the air! Now!”

My first instinct might have been to try to explain the situation, except I think that would go very well for us. Most cops would have a hard time swallowing that the sword was actually a legendary holy weapon, which we were planning to use on the ancient demon lord standing behind them. A demon lord who just happened to look like an ordinary, respectable member of society. A lot more ordinary and respectable than the two of us, now that I think about it.

I really have the worst luck sometimes.

Our options were more limited than I would’ve liked. Sanya and I might be all-around badasses, but I’d just recently gotten over spending six months in a near-death semi-coma from getting shot. Sure, that had been from getting sniped by a merc who I’m pretty sure was way more than human, but he was still hitting me with a relatively normal bullet fired out of a relatively normal gun. I might be able to shoot fire, freeze things solid and put up bullet-deflecting shields, but even after the Winter Knight goodies Mab gave me, my body was still about as squishy as that of any ordinary human being.

The problem was, these guys were still ordinary beat cops who were just doing their jobs. It’s not their fault they landed right in the middle of this whole mess. There are plenty of ways I can handle an ordinary mortal pointing a gun at me ... but most of those involve causing an unpleasant amount of bodily harm.

Lucky for them, I’ve diversified my toolkit a lot over the years, including a couple ways of dealing with guns that don’t cause too much damage to the owners. “Arctis!” Guns don’t tend to work so well when pretty much everything other than the grip is covered in an inch of ice. I had to leave the grips out—freezing off the fingers of a couple cops falls under my general category of doing more harm to innocents than I’d prefer.

The cops reacted the way most completely uninitiated mortals will when magic suddenly starts flying all over the place. Disbelieving stares and a string of expletives were the order of the day. Then the two them shared a look, and their survival instincts kicked in. Officer Pornstache starting running first, but his partner wasted no time joining him in getting the hell out of Dodge. Probably a smart thing to do when dealing with magic for the first time in your life.

Nicodemus let them run. Probably just because he didn’t want to waste any time on going after a couple vanilla mortals who weren’t important, especially if it meant taking his eyes off us for even a fraction of a second. He still looked completely calm, with a tiny, confident little smirk on his face. Like he knew something we didn’t. That was probably a bad sign. “I should’ve known you wouldn’t let me get away quite so cleanly, Dresden.” He waved a hand towards his stalled-out vehicle. “Judging by the fact you found me despite all my precautions, and the fact that my engine block seems to have been replaced with a hamster in a large plastic ball, it would seem you’ve made another deal with the devil. You do seem to make a habit of doing that.”

Oh goody, we were doing pre-battle banter again. A lot of people think it’s silly to waste time talking when you could just come out blasting. There are plenty of times when I’m partial to that school of thought myself.

However, the thing about pre-battle banter is that the term is technically inaccurate, because it’s not really pre-battle. It’s more like an opening phase of the fight, which people don’t always bother with. The psychological side of things can be a really big deal in some fights. Take my fight against Victor Sells, the Shadowman. Part of what made the difference in that fight was knowing exactly what taunt to throw at him to get him to stop thinking rationally.

That’s part of why I’d let Discord try to pull his little re-write stunt. Nothing gets to a baddie quite like seeing that you just nullified what they thought was their trump card. Granted, it would’ve been nice if I’d come out of that with my blasting rod and my pride intact, but I considered that a fair trade for showing Discord that for all his power, we’d gotten one up on him. That’s the thing about the pre-battle banter—if you’re smart about it, you can get the advantage once the actual spells start flying.

Or hell, maybe I was just looking for an excuse to swap cheesy one-liners like I was in a bad action movie.

Whatever the case, I wasn’t gonna break from my old habits now. “What can I say, you’ve got a real knack for pissing people off.” I couldn’t resist a quick look under the hood of Nicodemus’ car, just to see if he’d been telling the truth about what happened. Sure enough, he wasn’t lying for once. Huh. If not for the whole evil-god-of-chaos-who-takes-malicious-glee-in-the-suffering-of-others thing he had going for him, I could get to like Discord. “Y'know, I know a guy who can fix just about anything that goes wrong in a car. Dunno if he can cover this, but he'd probably give it a shot.”

Sanya shot the leader of the Nickleheads an amused little smile. “Not so fun when it is you who is getting betrayed instead of doing betraying, is it?”

That got a tiny little annoyed twitch from Nicodemus. With an opening like that, I just couldn’t resist getting a dig of my own in. “Still saying you shoulda seen this coming. I mean seriously, someone with as much experience as you’ve got with backstabbing oughta have some sort of sixth sense for predicting impending betrayal. Besides, did you really think you could pull out an evil god of chaos, and he’d just let you hold onto his leash?”

“I never had any illusions about how long my arrangement with Discord was likely to last,” Nicodemus answered us with an unconcerned shrug. “I mitigated the betrayal as best I could, and made sure to gain everything I needed from the alliance in its early days. I am many things, Harry Dresden, but I have never been a fool.” He gave an almost resigned sigh as he pulled his own sword, the same katana he’d used in the triantop fight years ago. “You, however, have always been a fool at heart, Dresden. I suppose I overestimated you when I thought that you would put the safety of the world over petty revenge.”

I held my hands up next to each other, as if I were balancing a scale. “Hmm, revenge...” I lifted up my right hand. “Or saving the world...” I lifted up my other hand. After a little back and forth wobbling of the imaginary scales, I let the two balanced. “There’s a problem with your logic there, Nicky. You’re assuming I can’t have both.”

Sanya gave a sharp nod. “Bright colorful ponies seem to know how to take care of themselves. We will trust them to stop evil chaos god, while we stop you.” He grinned at Nicky and rolled his shoulders. “But really, you spend so much time monologuing at Harry and do not save any for me? This is very disappointing. We have such colorful history together.”

Nicodemus shot an annoyed look Sanya’s way. “You were Tessa's dog, not mine.” A smirk very slowly worked its way onto his face, and he turned back to me. “Speaking of my dearly departed wife, I really should thank you for ridding me of her. Much less troublesome and far more gratifyingly permanent than going through a divorce.” Not to mention that he could collect on the death insurance without having to resort to fraud.

“You couldn't have just gone to Larry Fowler?” Now there would be episode of his show that beat the usual trailer trash freak shows. ‘Two thousand year old mass murdering demon lords, and the women who love them.’ Probably be a huge ratings booster.”

From the look on his face, Nicodemus didn’t get the reference. Most immortals don’t really keep up with the times all that well. Then again, I’m starting to get to be an old enough fart that some of the references that get tossed wind up flying over my head too. The demon lord gave a dismissive wave of his hand. “If Dierdre wasn’t dead as well I might have been expected to pay child support.”

“Yikes, good point.” I suppose I’d finally found a tiny bit of silver lining to the fact that Susan hid my daughter’s existence from me for so many years. Freelance wizards aren’t exactly drowning in money, and adding child support on top of that would mean I probably would’ve been slinging spells out of a cardboard box on the street. “Still, two thousand years and marriage counseling never came up?”

Nicodemus gave an uncaring shrug. “We actually did try that a few times. Tessa always lost interest halfway through the session and killed the counselor.”

“Tessa always had terrible attention span,” Sanya agreed with a sagely nod. “Became very testy if had to go day without killing something.”

“Nothing says Shiny Object Syndrome like watching light reflect off of fresh blood,” I snarked. “And you know what they say: the family that slays together stays together.”

“Her impulsiveness was always a flaw, though one that was somewhat offset by other assets.” I could imagine which of her assets Nicky meant—if you could overlook the fact that she was a complete psycho who would rip your throat out with her teeth and bathe in your blood, as well as the fact that her demon transformation involved puking herself out, then I guess she was pretty good looking. Clearly, those two things weren’t as much a sticking point for Nicodemus. The guy slept with his own daughter, after all. “I suppose torturing and eventually murdering the marriage counselor did always put her in a good mood, so perhaps it worked in a way.”

“Unless you were counselor,” Sanya commented with the sort of dry humor that only a true smartass can manage. “Then it does not work so great.”

“Y’know, the more I learn about her parents, the more I understand why Deidre was such a mess.” I wasn’t too optimistic about my chances of getting under Nicodemus’ skin, but he did seem to be a bit fond of his daughter. Fonder than a father really should be of his little girl, but that’s the Denarians for you. Even their take on parental love has to be twisted and terrifying. Still, he seemed to have some level of attachment to her, which put her above the rest of his utterly expendable minions.

Not much above them though, if Nicodemus’ indifferent shrug was anything to go by. “Well, at least she loved her father.” He brought his free hand up under his chin, and mused, “I suppose I'll have to replace her, too. With her mother dead I suppose that a literal replacement is impossible, but I’m sure I can improvise something.”

Oh, poor little Nicodemus has it so hard. Still, in a strange way I was almost glad to see him just casually brush off the fact that I’d corpsified Daddy’s Little Denarian. If Nicodemus had actually gotten all parental and furious about the fact that his daughter was dead, I might have actually started relating to him a bit. After the Red Court took my little girl I learned a whole lot about righteous parental fury very quickly. Seeing Nicky in the role of the grieving father struggling to avenge the death of his daughter might’ve made it just a bit harder to see him as a complete murdering psycho. I like it a lot better when the bad guys I have to deal with are just pure black hats with no relatable or redeeming features. Makes the whole process of killing them feel clean and heroic—when I have to start dealing with a dozen different shades of grey, it makes me feel less like a hero for killing them and more like a murderer.

I shared a quick nod with Sanya. No more back-and-forth banter—it was time to get down to business. Sanya brought his sword up to a ready position. “So Nicodemus, you know drill. Give up coin or I try and chop your head off.”

Nicodemus scoffed at us. “‘Try’ being the important word there. The two of you could not beat me with aid of Carpenter, the mobster, and several other allies. What makes you think you can win as you are now?”

I was a bit tempted to point out that Nicky had cheated like mad during that fight, but realistically speaking he probably had a lot of dirty tricks planned for us this time around too. Fair and honorable combat isn’t really something the Legions of Hell are known for. I pulled magic in and got ready to throw one hell of a sucker punch Nicodemus’ way. Well, not really a sucker punch since unless he was completely brain-dead he had to know it was coming, but still a magical haymaker that would hopefully ruin his entire day. “I’ve been going through some pretty rigorous new training lately.” I couldn’t resist the chance to throw out one last pun before we got down to business. “I'm a lot cooler than I used to be.”

As always seem to happen when I break out the witty puns, all I got was brief moment of annoyed silence before everyone else just continued talking as if I hadn’t said anything. Pun-meisters get no respect.

Sanya gave a tight grin, and began slowly circling around so that the two of us could catch Nicky in some kind of flanking move where he’d have to split his attention. “Feeling lucky today myself. It good day to take on Denarians.”

Nicky heaved out a melodramatic sigh, and was obviously about to offer his own final little line before we got down to business, but now that I was finally geared up and ready to go I wasn’t in the mood to indulge in any more chit-chat. Trust me, there’s nothing worse than when the bad guy starts monologuing at you about their plans to take over the world, and how if you just stopped fighting them and listened to reason the two of you could rule together. At least I was reasonably safe from any shocking revelations like Nicodemus suddenly revealing that he was my father.

“Forzare!” Force is a pretty good opener against him, since his evil noose can pretty much nullify all the reliably fatal magical attacks. I had a feeling a full-body ‘Infriga’ wouldn’t do me much good against him either. Force, at least, had reliably knocked him around some in the past. I’m no expert on sword fighting, but I figure slapping Nicodemus around like a rag doll would make it a lot easier for Sanya to make with the whole sword chopping and stabbing thing. Sure, the only way to kill him might be to choke him to death with that noose of his, but I was willing to bet that having a sharp chunk of holy steel sticking through his chest would make it a lot easier for the two of us to make with the choking.

The spell definitely connected, but for some reason my force blast did absolutely nothing to him. It didn’t send him flying across the street like it should’ve, or even stagger him a bit. It didn’t even muss up his hair.

I was suddenly, forcefully reminded of Nicodemus’ statements that he’d gotten what he wanted out of his arrangement with Discord. Hell’s bells, I’d caught four of the ponies under his control running around fictionland and trying to get their hooves on all sorts of nasty toys to bring back to their new master. I guess he must’ve gotten a couple Outsider-goodies before I’d shut his little smuggling ring down. Super. Well at least he hadn’t picked up anything too horrifying—otherwise Sanya and I would already be dead.

I was about to toss another spell Nicodemus’ way when something yanked my feet out from underneath me. A quick look down showed inky little tendrils of shadow wrapped around my ankles. For the record, Nicky’s demon-shadow-thing had cold hands. Not just cold in the normal sense, but the sort of nasty, bone-deep cold that leaches the strength from your body. One minor advantage of spending time in Winter, I had a lot of familiarity with different varieties of cold. Strength-leaching-from-your-bones cold was one of the few types that was still a problem for me, even with the whole Winter Knight thing.

Just to make things worse, while his shadow was busy going after me, Nicodemus himself was facing off against Sanya and more than holding his own. Sadly, real sword-fights aren’t nearly as cool the ones you see in movies, where both sides are constantly whirling and jumping all over the place while constantly slashing and stabbing at each other. Instead it was mostly just careful footwork and an occasional careful little probe, gauging their opponent’s reactions and looking for an opening in their defenses. You’d think all the swordfighting would occupy most of Nicodemus’ attention, but he seemed to be managing just fine.

Dammit, Nicodemus could multi-task.

At first blush you’d think just having a living shadow is a pretty unimpressive power for the head of the Denarians compared to some of the amazingly terrifying demonic transformations you would see from some of this minions. You’d think the head of the Denarians would turn into some kind of demon hellfire bone dragon or something completely awesome, but instead all he has is this little living shadow buddy.

Thing is, that shadow of his is a lot more dangerous than you’d expect. Giant demon hellfire dragon might make for a very cool sounding transformation, but in terms of practicality it was pretty lacking. For starters, while your average mortals are pretty good at finding some way to rationalize any magic they run across, there are limits to what you can get away with, and being too blatant about things would end up dragging the mortal authorities into things. That would get messy fast. Plus most of the world just isn’t scaled for things that are too much bigger than an ordinary human.

But the real advantage of Nicky having a demon shadow buddy instead of shape-changing was that it let him split his attention, exactly like he was doing now. Plus his shadow could pull off some impressively versatile tricks, like turning into a pair of wings strong enough for him to fly away on.

I hate it when the baddies pick boring, practical powers over flashy and elaborate ones that aren’t really all that effective.

First things first, I needed to get his shadow off my legs. I went with my old standby. “Fuego!”

A second later it occurred to me that slinging fire at something that was climbing it’s way up my legs might not have been my brightest move ever. Thankfully I had decent enough aim to not fry myself too badly—since I was in long pants they took the worst of it. Fantastic, Rarity went to all the trouble of making me some nice clothes, and I’d ruined them five minutes later.

At least the fire did it’s job. I’m not sure if it’s a matter of literally being able to burn a shadow, or if it just that fire being a light source messed it up, but either way Nicodemus’ demon shadow let go of my legs and slithered away with an angry fingernails-on-chalkboard shriek.

I had just enough time to breathe a sigh of relief before the shadow came right back at me again, rising up off the ground, forming into a group of inky black spikes, and streaking towards me. My first instinct was to bring up a shield, but I had no idea how my current shield bracelet would stand against demonic shadow spikes. Sure, maybe it would work just fine, but I haven’t stayed alive this long by taking unnecessary risks.

Well, actually I do that a lot. Dumb luck is frequently involved too. But ... well ... you get the idea.

A quick roll to the side kept me from getting impaled. I followed that up by snapping another blast of fire at Nicodemus’ shadow. Once again, it didn’t accomplish much beyond mildly annoying the shadow-creature-thing. I guess that’s better than nothing.

Still, I wasn’t gonna do much more than stay alive for the next thirty seconds if all I had going for me was the ability to annoy my opponent. Sure, there have been times when that was enough to get me an edge, but this probably wouldn’t be one of them. I needed a game-changer here. Lucky for me, I’m pretty good at coming up with semi-decent plans when my back is up against the wall and my ass is on the line.

“Fuego!” I pushed this spell a little harder, giving that extra little bit of soulfire kick. With any luck, that would make it more effective at stopping the demon shadow from coming after me for enough time to try out the next stage of my plan. Throwing magic straight at Nicodemus might be a no-go, but there are plenty of ways for a smart wizard to ruin somebody’s day without directly smacking him with a spell.

I opted for a bit of an old trick, but a good one. Okay, the one time I’d tried it in the past it actually failed spectacularly, but that’s not my fault. The guy was a crazy-powerful necromancer, and ... look, it was the best idea I had right then.

I took aim at Nicodemus’ disabled car. “Forzare!” It wasn’t an easy spell to pull off—last time I tried it, I had access to hellfire to boost it up. Soulfire’s a fine substitute for it, especially since it doesn’t make me start racking up Dark Side points the way using hellfire does, but hellfire beats it for raw, destructive power. When I’m trying to throw a couple thousand pounds of steel around, raw power is nice to have.

Fortunately, it’d been seven years since that throw-down with Cowl—I’ve gotten a lot better at magic since then. The fact that Nicodemus’ car didn’t have an engine block anymore thanks to Discord probably helped too.

I gotta admit, the look on Nicky’s face when I picked his car up and dropped it right on his head was priceless.

Sanya wasted no time stepping up and looking for a chunk of Nicodemus that wasn’t covered by car to stick his sword into. but Nicky beat him to the punch. I admit I felt pretty good about the generally battered and bloodied state a car to the head left him, even though his magic necktie meant that the damage had lasted all of half a second. I’d seen him recover from gunshots faster than someone could put bullets into him before.

Still, at least I had a workable strategy now. Pick up something heavy with my magic, and hit him with it. Not the most subtle way of doing things, but subtle has never really been my strong point anyway. All I needed to do was smack Nicky around enough to give Sanya an opening to make with the holy stabbing, and we’d be good.

Naturally, now that I’d finally come up with a tactic that should give us a win against Nicodemus, it all went horribly wrong. Like most times when the universe really bites me in the ass, it all boiled down to a single, seemingly inconsequential detail that we’d overlooked.

In all the excitement over fighting the big bad demon lord, we’d forgotten about his chauffeur

I got lucky. The bullet caught me in the leg instead of somewhere more immediately fatal. Because the universe hates me, it was the leg that hadn’t been gnawed on by the killer rabbit. Maybe an action hero can shrug off getting shot in the meat of their upper thigh with nothing more than a manly grunt and a slight stumble, but when that happens to a real human being your leg collapses on you, and your face meets the ground. Ow.

A second later my leg started screaming in agony. That always seems to be the way getting shot works—at least when it’s a serious gunshot. When you get winged your body starts singing in pain right away, but with the bad ones it’s like your body needs a couple seconds to process the fact that holy shit, I’ve just been shot!

Dammit, if I had my old enchanted duster a simple little handgun bullet would’ve bounced right off of it. The outfit Rarity had me set up with might be wonderfully stylish, but it was woefully lacking in the keeping-me-alive department.

At least me getting shot gave Sanya a critical half second of warning. He got behind cover before Nicky’s little pet cultist could draw a bead on him, and brought his AK-47 to bear. A moment later the guy who’d ventilated my leg was gone. Too bad we hadn’t noticed him fifteen seconds sooner.

I dropped both hands onto my bullet wound and reached down into that cold reserve of power I’d gotten from Mab. My leg was a huge and bloody mess, but if I could just freeze the wound over and grit my teeth, I might be able to stay a little mobile.

Nicky tried to take advantage of Sanya’s distraction, but the Russian was on top of his game. Right before Nicky could make with the stabbing Sanya whirled on him and emptied the rest of his assault rifle’s clip into the Denarian’s chest. The bullets didn’t do all that much damage in and of themselves thanks to the unholy noosetie of protection, but that much lead flying into his chest still sent Nicodemus staggering backwards.

Sanya was quick to follow up on the opening. Before Nicodemus could regain his bearings, the Russian dropped his rifle and brought Esperacchius back to bear. With a quiet little growl of triumph, he swung the blade at Nicodemus’ head.

Nicky recovered fast, but not quite fast enough. There was no time to dodge, and a holy sword was one of the few things Nicodemus couldn’t just shrug off a wound from. There was no time to dodge or parry his blade. Sanya had Nicky dead to rights.

Or so I thought.

Nicodemus didn’t have time to parry Sanya’s blade ... but he did have enough time to parry Sanya’s arm.

Nicky’s sword caught him just above the elbow. There wasn’t enough momentum behind the hit to do anything dramatic like cut straight through Sanya’s arm, but it still bit pretty deep. Deep enough to leave Sanya’s sword arm completely useless.

Esperacchius tumbled out of his fingers.

I tried to get back up, but my leg gave out before I put even a fraction of my weight on it. Sanya shot me one last look, and had enough time for one final little twitch before Nicodemus’ follow-up sliced his chest open.

I answered that the only way I could. “Fuego! Pyrofuego! Burn, you son of a bitch!” By the time I was done I’d melted a thick line of asphalt between the two of us, and all I had to show for it was some singing on the lapels of Nicodemus’ suit. “Arctis! Infriga!” Maybe it was futile, but there was no way in hell I wasn’t going down swinging.

Nicodemus just turned his back on me, casually strode over to what was left of his car, and ripped off an inch-long hunk of jagged steel. Then, with almost casual indifference, he threw it into my leg. The one that didn’t have a bullet hole in it. Bastard.

Stab wounds hurt. A LOT. I’ve been through all kinds of painful things, so I can say pretty authoritatively that getting sharp chunks of metal stuck in your flesh is one of the nastiest things out there. Being the Winter Knight puts me as close to superhuman as I can get, but at the end of the day that human moniker was still the albatross around my neck. Humans have reactions we can't completely control—like the instant withdrawl of our hands when we get a papercut, or the unwillingness to so much as think of using that finger for a few hours. Real stab wounds multiply that pain and instinctive shutdown by several orders of magnitude.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, a whole new level of pain opened up to me. That cold place within that had been there ever since I’d signed on as the Winter Knight was just gone. Realizing what had happened sent even more burning pain through me, to the point where I even diverted power from the Snark Drives. Sonuvabitch! Getting power from faeries meant cold iron was a problem for me now. Just having it in my body burned!

As Nicky walked up to me with all the concern of a man walking down the street on an ordinary Saturday morning, I fell back to my time-honored practice of using humor to try and ignore pain. “Sh-shove it, Nicky.”

Nicodemus just looked down at me with a very slight, mocking little smile on his face. “As you wish, Dresden.” He put his boot on top of the chunk of metal sticking out of my leg, and very slowly started pushing it further in. Just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse, he gave a twitch of his foot and twisted the knife. Bastard. Hell, he'd probably been the one to turn that particular action into a metaphor.

It hurt. I screamed. I’ll spare you the details.

Once I’d gotten to the point where I could understand human speech again, Nicodemus looked down at me with a cold, predatory little smile. “I did advise you to leave me be and aid the ponies against Discord instead.”

I needed a little bit longer before I could actually form a reasonably coherent answer. Pain really doesn’t do my brainpower any favors. Since I was pretty damn sure I was just a couple moments away from dead, I did the only thing I could do while my brain barely worked. I mocked him. “And here I thought the only thing you were into penetrating was your daughter.”

Like usually happened when I tried to get any decent smartassery off against him, it just bounced right off. “Well, I did spend my childhood in Ancient Greece...”

For some reason, probably the insane endorphin high I was riding on to keep from passing out on the spot, that actually got a very pained laugh out of me. “And here I thought the saying was 'when in Rome.' Or was that you too?”

“Well, Greece was under Roman rule at the time,” Nicodemus temporized. “So I suppose in a way both are applicable.”

“Explains a bit about your concept of personal space.” I tried to take all that pain running through my body and put it to good use. One thing I learned the hard way early on in my wizard training—pain is one hell of a good motivator for pulling off magic. “Forzare!”

Even if my pain-addled brain had retained enough sense to use a spell that hadn’t failed the last time I threw it his way, I doubt I would have accomplished much. Nicky wasn’t going to go down to a single spell. If anything, he seemed amused by attempt when my spell fizzled. “Ever the fighter, even at the end. It is a pity you never saw reason.”

Okay, trying to smack him with a spell just made things hurt even worse, and I hadn’t thought that was possible. I swear, I’m starting to get way too familiar with what it feels like to be in a state of utter agony. “Reason?” I might be in pain, but I wasn’t gonna just let him have his triumphant evil monologue in peace. “Whose reason? Yours? Reason at the edge of a knife ended when the Church stopped having standing armies.”

Nicodemus just gave a slightly annoyed little shake of his head, as if I were a particularly stubborn child. “Ah, Dresden. You truly are ignorant. You think me your Nemesis, when in truth I would always have preferred you as an ally.”

To be honest I could barely even process what he was saying right now, but I knew enough to realize that he’d left me an opening. “You missed your window by hours. Sucks for you.”

“Yes, quite a pity.” Nicodemus talked about losing out a chance to turn me to the Dark Side like most people would talk about being a couple minutes late for an appointment. A bit unfortunate, but hardly something worth getting upset over. “I do wonder though, if Mab had rejected you in your hour of need, where would you have turned?”

“You, probably,” I admitted. It was entirely possible I'd spent too much time around Applejack.

“Indeed.” Nicodemus was smiling—that was a bad sign. “I would say that you are in great need, Dresden, and it is clear that Mab’s power has failed you. I offer you one final chance, if only for the sake of symmetry. Much as I know you hate it when I repeat myself, I will offer you two options. Either you will voluntarily and fully take up a coin, or I will slit your throat.”

Man, the legions of hell really were getting stale and uninventive. Naturally, there was only one answer I could give to an offer like that. “Sorry, one of Discord's clouds got some bullshit lodged in my ears. Say it again?”

“I suppose I shouldn't have expected any other answer.” Nicodemus spoke with the simple resignation of a father whose child was prepared to do something stupid, no matter how many times his parents told him he shouldn’t. I could see him casually wiping the blood off of his sword—why bother with that, anyway? he was just going to dirty it up again in a couple seconds.

“I've learned not to disappoint, Mab got bitchy if I went off her exercise regimen.” I tried to think of something, anything that could get me out of this mess. I wasn’t having much luck. So I went to my old standby of trying to keep the bad guy talking until I came up with something.
“Lucky for me I took all my vitamins like a good little Knight.”

Nicodemus wasn’t even responding to me now. He just yanked my head back to expose my throat, and I could see his other arm winding up for the killing strike.

C’mon. Something ... anything to give me a snowball's’ chance in hell of surviving this ... Wait! There it is. Okay, I just needed to stall him for a bit, and I might be able to make it out of this. Or failing that, at least take him with me.

First I had to stall him enough to survive the next few seconds. Fortunately, the prospect of death literally seconds away, I didn’t have to fake any of the frantic desperation in my voice. “Wait wait wait! Can I just ask one last question?”

After a few seconds of hesitation, Nicky let go. I let out a relieved sigh—I really should’ve known better.

His arm blurred, and I felt a line of fire across my stomach. My arms instinctively crossed over the fresh wound. There was blood. A lot of it. Nicodemus looked entirely too happy about that. “Ask your question, Dresden. You had best ask quickly—even if you keep pressure on the wound, you’re still losing a great deal of blood.”

Damn. This complicated things a bit. I guess I should’ve known he wouldn’t let me off too easy. Still, I could get through this. If I could just get that hunk of cold iron out of my leg and get a bit of time to focus, I could freeze the injury over. That would at least keep most of my blood more-or-less inside my body.

But first things first, keep Nicodemus’ attention on me. “Okay, I gotta know this one. With all of fictionland at your disposal, why the hell did you go for My Little Pony? Seriously, even if you win this one, you're never gonna live that down.”

Nicodemus thought that one over for a bit, and then gave a careless shrug. “Well, as final requests go, I suppose that satisfying your curiosity about something so benign is harmless enough. It’s not like you’re asking me to divulge all my secret plans since you’re about to die anyway.”

Nicodemus shot a glance over his shoulder, and I could vaguely make out the Discorded Vancouver skyline in the distance. “As you said, it was not a place most would expect me to go in search of power. More obvious targets are often more carefully guarded by the Arab.” With the beating I’d taken, it took a second for my brain to figure out that he meant the Gatekeeper. “Also, I knew of your contact with the creatures. I couldn’t help but think your sudden disappearance and apparent death a tad too neat, and I knew that if you lived a strike against them would draw you out.”

That ... okay, that did kinda make sense, if you subscribed to the utter cold bastard school of logic. “So you went to the land of Saturday morning cartoons, turned the ponies against each other, shattered their innocence and tried your best to kill them while unleashing a god of disharmony—all to needle me?” In a way, it was almost flattering.

Naturally, Nicodemus was quick to deflate my ego. “Drawing you out of hiding was hardly the centerpiece of my plan, but it was certainly a useful side-benefit.” Nicodemus’ voice turned almost musing as he added, “You know, Dresden. there was a time when I was not so different from you.” He gave me a mocking little smirk, and amended, “Well, I was never quite the unthinking fool you were, but there was a certain similarity...”

Oh hell no, he's monologuing about the Good Old Days. Anything to keep that knife away from my neck for the next couple minutes, I guess—though I'd probably change my tune a bit if he started recounting his first encounter with a woman. Especially if it was Tessa.

Thankfully, Nicodemus wasn’t going down the route that might prompt me to save him the trouble of doing me in. “However, there was an important difference between myself, even in my youngest days, and you. I was never as ignorant or as foolish as you are, and unlike you I have the strength to do that which is necessary. Such as killing idealistic fools who stand in my way.”

Yeah, that last bit didn’t sound ominous for my chances of survival at all. If I were a guessing person, I'd wager he's wrapping up. I suddenly found a renewed interest in where that sword of his was in relation to me. I needed more time. “You can't kill me, you'd lose the smartassed foil that's been driving you towards tormented amusement for the past decade.”

“I think I shall find a way to endure.” Nicodemus countered dryly.

“Aw, c'mon Nicky.” I tried to give him a cocky, smartassed grin, even though I was actually desperately staving off panic. “That's just cold.”

I guess the pun must have done the trick, because instead of killing me Nicodemus offered me another conversation opener. At this rate, I could look forward to him talking my ears off until I was done bleeding out. “Tell me something, Dresden. Since, as the cliche goes, you're about to die anyway, there’s really no harm in it letting a few secrets go. Why did you need power so badly that you sold yourself to Mab?”

I tried to keep a confident grin plastered on my face, but it was pretty hard to keep faking a lack of fear when I couldn’t help remembering what happened the last time I showed my hand. “C'mon Nicky, you expect a servant of the Fae to give out information for free like that, and not get anything in return for it?”

“Ah, you truly have become Mab’s creature, it would seem.” That one might have stung a bit if I was in any condition to care about verbal barbs right now. Nicodemus offered me a conciliatory nod. “Shall I offer an equal exchange then? Your tale for mine?”

Well, if I wanted to buy some time, swapping life stories was a pretty good move. He sure did seem to be in a chatty mood now that I was minutes away from death. Aww, I guess he really did care about me after all. Or maybe he was just hoping that while I wouldn’t sign on for Team Evil with the prospect of a quick death staring me the face, my will would crack if I was slowly bleeding out. “Riiiight ... how about laying off the stabbity tendencies first as a sign of good faith?”

Nicodemus thought it over a moment, then sheathed his blade. I’ve read enough fantasy paperbacks to know that sheathing a bloody sword tends to make for a huge mess to clean up later. I guess that’s not Nicodemus’ problem though—he had cultists for that kinda drudgework. Heh, Nicky’s cultists were gonna polish his sword. Man, my sense of humor gets a little juvenile when I’m on the verge of death.

Now that he’d sheathed that katana of his, Nicky would need to take about a quarter of a second longer than before to finish me off if I crossed the line. Not much for a margin, but I’ll take any edge I can get. Nicodemus certainly didn’t seem to see me as any kind of threat. “I see no harm in putting my blade away. In your current state, I hardly need do anything to kill you—I simply need to wait a few minutes while nature takes its normal course with you.”

I took the excuse of Nicky changing postures on me to shift around a bit myself, getting one of my hands a little closer to that nasty chunk of cold iron sticking out of my leg. If I could get that out, I should be able to at least stabilize myself a bit better. Maybe even, if I was luckier than I’d been in any day of my life up to this point, find a way to take him down. I still had one last little ace in the hole, and if I could buy some more time my plan to turn the tables on him could actually work. First things first, keep his mind on storytime. Kinda like Arabian Nights, except more horrifying. “You ... you were saying?”

Nicodemus’s demon-shadow thing went and formed itself into something almost resembling a chair, and Nicodemus settled down into it like he had all the time in the world. I guess he did—he wasn’t the one who was bleeding out. “Your tale for mine, Dresden. As I asked first...”

Well damn. Making sure I told a good enough story to keep his attention while not giving away anything that could get me in big trouble if he made it out of this alive wouldn’t be easy. I’m not at my best when a big chunk of my mind is focused on keeping pressure on my gaping wounds. “I've made a lot of connections in my life. A few—a precious few—are worth taking that plunge for.” Huh, I didn't actually shoot myself in the foot that time. Hanging out with the Fae was starting to affect my sense of honesty.

Mental note: do not introduce Applejack to the Fae. Ever.

Nicodemus gave an almost bored shrug. “Ah, a matter of sentiment then. I am unsurprised.” I guess it was an easy guess for anyone who really knew me. It’s not like I would just randomly start having psycho-murderer impulses for no reason.

Nicodemus mulled things over a moment longer, and very slowly nodded. “A satisfactory answer, Dresden. Albeit a bit vague and lacking in details.” Yeah, that was kinda the idea, Nicky. Even if it was a virtual certainty one of us was gonna be corpsified soon, I wasn’t about to start giving the goods away now. “I shall respond in kind. As I’ve told you more than once in the past, we share common interests. There are some forces in this world that must be stopped, no matter the cost.”

I felt my eyes go wide, and the pit would’ve dropped out of the bottom of my stomach if it wasn’t busy bleeding. Son. Of. A—no, I can't even say that 'cause that be an insult to moms everywhere. Gimme a slightly different timescale or a 'no' from the Winter court, and that could easily be my reflection in the mirror.

Nicodemus could see it in my eyes, and a triumphant little grin appeared on his face. “Ah, now you begin to understand. You've seen the signs, haven't you? There are forces far beyond your comprehension at play in this world. Surely you do not think their actions in your home city were their first appearance?”

I knew what he was talking about. There have always been baddies running around, but lately they’ve been hitting a whole new level of nasty. Low-level magical thugs were somehow getting their hands on serious mojo, major players like the Red Court had gone off on utterly insane plans that tore the status quo to bits, there was some kind of secret cabal of dark wizards in the White Council itself, stuff like that. The worst part was, I couldn’t shake the feeling that all this was somehow being coordinated, that all the different bits of nasty I’d been stuck dealing with over the years were just pawns in someone or something’s master plan.

Nicky must have been able to see me connecting the dots, because his smirk was only getting bigger. “Now do you understand, Dresden? Against such forces, any measure is justified.”

“You've...” I very slowly nodded. “I guess there is a kinda logic to it all. I mean—hell, I’ve gone up against plenty of nasty things in my time. There’s been more than once that I had to do some pretty questionable stuff for the Greater Good and all that.”

I’ve never outright gone over to the Dark Side, but I’ve spent half my life messing around with the Grey Side in one form or another. Sure, using necromancy to create a zombie T-Rex technically doesn’t break any of the rules against using necromancy on human dead, but that’s a damn fine line to tread. When you’re constantly skirting the edges of the rules, it doesn’t take much to push you over the edge into breaking them outright. Hell’s bells, I’d done exactly that when my daughter was in danger. I’d taken a big step along the path to looking like Nicodemus.

Somehow, the whole thing just seemed ... ridiculous. I don’t know, maybe the blood loss was making me get a little giddy. Next thing I knew, I was laughing.

For the record, laughing when your stomach’s been cut halfway open is not a fun experience. Talk about busting your gut.

Nicodemus didn’t seem to know what to think of that. It always seems to throw the bad guys off when you start laughing your ass off at them. “I don’t know what’s more pathetic.” I managed to gasp out between pained cackles. “The possibility that you really think you’re some kinda hero and that everything you’ve done has all been for the Greater Good, or the possibility that you’re lying your ass off and actually think I’m dumb enough to fall for a line like that.”

Nicodemus went stiff with surprise. “Y’wanna know the simple truth, Nicky? If you ever were some kinda wanna-be hero, then you jumped off the slippery slope so long ago that your feet don’t even remember what it feels like to touch the ground. If you’re a liar, then you’re a crappy one. Either way, I’m not buying the shit you’re selling, because the simple truth is that you’re an asshole.”

Nicodemus let out a strangled gasp and twitched. “Oh yeah, while we’re on the subject, here’s one last bit of truth for you, Nicky-boy. Sabers are one-handed weapons.”

Esperacchius’ tip burst out of Nicodemus’ chest.

Sanya managed to shoot me a quick wink and a grin over Nicodemus’ shoulder before his body failed him. If he’d still been conscious, he probably would’ve said something about how being sliced open almost from gullet to groin was still pretty mild compared to enduring a Russian winter.

Nicodemus slowly brought his hands up to the tip of the sword, as if he wanted to push it back out of his body. He probably did, come to think of it—as I’d recently discovered myself, getting stabbed hurts. As soon as his hands came close to the blade, it flared up in a burst of holy light, and Nicky pulled his hands back as if they’d been burned.

Unfortunately, my earlier guess about the effects of getting stabbed seemed to spot on—Nicky was not a happy customer at all, but he didn’t seem to be suffering from a case of death the way most folks would after having a sword run through their chest.

On the bright side, getting stabbified seemed to have taken his mind off little old me. This could be my chance. I could get that chunk of cold iron out of my leg, and with a couple minutes to work I should be able to patch myself up enough to survive until someone got around to calling an ambulance. Hell’s bells, I might even be able to save Sanya on top of that. He’d been up and moving a minute ago, he couldn’t be that far gone.

There was just one downside to that plan. Nicodemus was already staggering away as best he could with a holy sword through his chest, and he was making surprisingly good time. If I spent a couple minutes patching myself up, and a couple more fixing up Sanya, he’d be gone. It probably wouldn’t be that hard to find a paramedic or someone he could con into taking that sword out for him, and then Nicodemus would be right as rain.

He’d be getting away scott free with all the crimes he’d pulled. And he’d be escaping with one of the Swords of the Cross in his hands (chest, whatever) in the bargain. No way in hell I was letting him get away with a prize like that.

I quickly pulled out the chunk of cold iron, probably doing more damage to my leg in the process, but I didn’t have time for finesse. “Infriga!” Not the neatest work I’d done, but hopefully the ice would keep enough blood in for me to survive the next few minutes. Maybe. If I was very lucky. I was planning on doing something pretty stupid, after all.

Getting to my feet hurt like hell, but now that I didn’t have cold iron cutting me off I could pull on the Winter Knight mojo to keep me going. Mab’s power made all those injuries ... well they still hurt, but that pain seemed a lot less important now. Still there, but not something that was gonna stop me from taking care of what I needed to get done.

Even without pain as a factor I was limping more than ... something that really limps a lot. Lucky for me, Nicodemus was going even slower. After a minute I finally caught up with him and got my hands on that magic noosetie of his. One handy thing about the fact that his artifact of doom was an evil noose, it didn’t take much creativity to find a way to start killing him with it. I just had to tighten it.

He tried to fight back, but I was pulling on every bit of Winter Knight mojo Mab had given me. Meanwhile, Nicky was pretty badly gimped by the fact that he had a holy sword sticking through his chest. Last time we’d thrown down, just having one of the Swords lying unattended a couple feet away had been enough to give me a fair chance against him, he’d been stuck with no more strength than an ordinary mortal, and no demonic shadow-buddy to help out. Now he was worse off, and I had stacked the deck a little higher in my favor.

That’s not to say he was completely helpless. With all the injuries I’d picked up there were some obvious things he could do to make it bad. Going after my legs, hitting me in the gut, stuff like that. It hurt like hell, but by now I was in full-on bulldog mode—there was absolutely nothing he could do that was gonna make me let go. When my legs eventually gave out on me, I kept my grip on him and brought him down to the ground with me.

After a minute or so, his struggles started slowing down a bit. I wasn’t dumb enough to fall for a possum play like that—I just drew the noose a little tighter. “Just ... fucking ... die ... Nicky.”

I’m not sure how long I kept holding on, things got a little fuzzy after that point. Somewhere in the fight either Nicodemus had hit the ice covering my wounds hard enough to crack it, or my own exertions had done the job for me. I thought about trying to fix it back up, but it was hard to focus on that idea, especially when the rest of my brain was telling me that I needed to keep everything I had on that noose. I could patch up after Nicodemus was taken care of.

After a while the ground started shaking. I looked up, and saw that the Vancouver skyline was slowly turning back to normal, and there was a huge rainbow hanging over the city. They’d done it. “Good job, girls. Damn good job.”

I looked down at Nicodemus. Then I checked him with my Sight, just to be sure.

Dead.

It was over. It was finally over.

The mad determination that had been pushing me forward for the last couple minutes left, and a wave of utter exhaustion took its place. I brought my hands up to my stomach wound and tried to find the power to seal it up, but the magic just kept slipping from my grasp. I guess it wasn’t that important though—the bleeding had just about stopped anyway.

I was tired. So tired. I decided to lie down and take a nap for a bit.

Right before I could get to sleep I heard a woman’s voice, and then the darkness claimed me.

Epilogue

I woke up somewhere familiar. Michael Carpenter’s guest bedroom.

“Okay, this is a nice change of pace from the usual ice palace, Mab.” Considering how things had gone the last time I came within a hair’s breadth of ending up dead, it wasn’t hard to guess what happened when I heard a woman’s voice, and then there was darkness. I’d done what she wanted, and then Mab came to pick up her dog’s leash. Odds are she was put out with me for managing to bust myself up again on my first outing after she’d finished fixing me.

The voice that answered me ... wasn’t Mab’s. “We are not the Queen of Winter, though we do share some of her domain.”

I followed the voice back to its point of origin, and found, “Princess Luna?” I couldn’t help chuckling a bit at that. “Guess the cavalry turned up just in time after all.”

“So it would seem,” the Princess of the Night agreed regally. “You are fortunate—both thy life and the life of thy companion were upon the knife’s edge when I found thee.”

“Well, it wouldn’t have been exciting if it was too easy.” A quick check under the covers revealed that I wasn’t exactly in a fit state of dress to be entertaining royalty. Fortunately there was a fresh set of clothes sitting on the dresser by the bed. From the ridiculous levels of … there’s no other word for it, ‘bedazzlement’, I could only guess that it had been put together by Rarity or one of the younger Carpenter children. Given the ‘R’ shape of the stylized jewelry in place over the right breast, my money was on the former. I wonder where she found the jewels, though...

Wait a minute... if I was in new clothes... I suddenly hoped that those were the only jewels my rescuers had found. Though it was kinda too late for that where Rainbow Dash was concerned.

The clothes did remind me of some more important things. “What happened with the girls?” I took a quick look around the room, but as far as I could tell Luna was the only one here. I guess that was better than being mobbed by pastel-colored equines the instant I regained consciousness, but still...

“Discord is undone,” Luna confirmed for me. The giant rainbow kaboom happening in his general location had been a pretty clear sign that the ponies had nailed him with the Elements of Harmony, but it never hurt to get a little confirmation. “The others remained at thy bedside for as long as they could but when thou didst not regain consciousness for several days...”

“Wait, I’ve been out for how long?” I grabbed the pants, which thankfully proved to only have a moderately insane number of gem embellishments, and started putting them on under the covers.

“Almost a week’s time,” Luna informed me. “The others wished to remain at thy side, but the one called the Gatekeeper was insistent that they depart. The connection between our realm and thine is ... in a state of flux at the moment. ‘Tis unwise for too many of us to linger here overlong, lest things become even more chaotic.”

Damn. I kinda felt bad about not getting a chance to even say goodbye. Perhaps it was just as well. There would be tears and sobbing and promises that we would all be best friends forever, and the girls might get a little emotional too. “So ... how bad is this whole dimensional flux thing? Is this gonna be goodbye for good?”

“Neigh.” I let out a relieved breath—I will never admit it where someone else could overhear me, but it would’ve broken my heart to never see any of those ponies again. If for no other reason than the fact that I’d miss out on all the wonderful pony puns. ‘Neigh.’ Classic. And the best part was that she said it so ... straight-faced.

“This is not goodbye forever,” Luna assured me. “It is simply ... a very brief farewell.”

Then Luna was gone again. Not even a flash of light or disappearing into inky shadows or something. Just ... gone. Just like how you never knew how some being was going to appear when you summon them, you never knew how they would leave. Now that I think about it, for some reason, the whole conversation with Luna just felt a little ... fuzzy. Dream-like, almost.

I finished dressing, and walked out the door. I got all of two steps before I ran into Michael and Lash. Man, that must have been a nicely awkward introduction. ‘Hi there Mr. ex-Paladin, I’m an ex-Angel.’

Michael put one hand on my shoulder to help me keep my balance while his other shook mine warmly, like he was greeting a long-lost friend. Oh, wait. He was beaming at me, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to, the look on his face said it all.

“Good to be back.” I definitely didn’t sound as choked up as the climax of a chick-flick.

Lash interrupted our moment of guy-bonding. “It’s Saturday morning. My Little Pony will be on soon.”

I let out a very pained chuckle at that. “No offense, but I think it’s gonna be a while before I’m in the mood to watch the show again.”

Michael finally spoke. “She’s a fan.”

She? She who? Oh ... he meant... “Maggie?” Yup, definitely not getting choked up at all.

Michael nodded.

“Huh.”

I borrowed some salt from the kitchen, and made a quick circle around the couch. Yeah, we’d have to clean it up later, but vacuuming up the salt was a lot less trouble than letting my wizard-ness burn out Michael’s TV.

Then I settled down on the couch next to my daughter. My mouth was hanging half-open as I tried to think of what I could possibly say to her.

“Shh.” My little girl urged me. “It’s starting.”

So we sat on the couch, and watched My Little Pony together.

Grab Pinkie's Tail, Madness Ensues

I have the weirdest freaking life.

In the last year or so, I'd rescued my illegitimate daughter from the hands of evil vampires, essentially wiped out an entire species in a single act of magical genocide, killed the love of my life as part of a ritual spell to fuel said magical genocide, arranged for my own assassination, driven my apprentice to the brink of madness, and re-killed a necromancer that I'd originally killed a few years back.

And oh yeah, I'd become the Winter Knight. The mortal champion of Mab, the Queen of Air and Darkness herself. I'd needed more power to take on the vamps and save my daughter, and she'd been the least evil option on the table. I'd tried arranging my own death after I'd saved Maggie in order to slip out of my obligations to Mab, but after all the trouble she'd gone to getting me the Winter Queen wasn't about to let a little thing like death get in her way.

I guess you could say it did kind of work out in the end since now I wasn't dead, and I'd even managed to work out a compromise with Mab that left us both equally unhappy. I didn't like being the Winter Court's official thug, but at least I wasn't going to be forced into being another monster like Slate. Being Mab's designated hitter stung a bit less when I at least had the freedom to choose how I would swing the bat.

I guess the suite Mab provided for me in Arctis Tor was nice, if you had a thing for ice and black stone. At least one of the perks that came with being the Winter Knight was being able to handle temperatures that would freeze the toes off of vanilla mortals. It certainly made sleeping on a mattress of freshly fallen snow a lot more bearable.

For the last few months, I'd been busy restoring my body to decent physical condition; a bullet through the chest and spending more than half a year in a coma had wreaked all kinds of havoc, even with Mab, Demonreach, and what Mab called 'the Parasite' working to keep me alive. Mab's ideas about physical therapy resulted in a hell of a lot of pain and awkwardness, but it was hard to argue with her results. Not even taking the boost I'd gotten for being the Winter Knight into account, I was probably in better shape now than I'd been if before my brush with death. Mab had rebuilt me. She had the magic. I was better ... stronger ... faster than I was before.

Of course, part of my rapid recovery was probably thanks to my new powers as the Winter Knight. I hadn't really had much of a chance to figure out how everything worked before Kincaid put a bullet through me, but a couple months of recovery had given me a decent handle on them. The boosts to my physical abilities were especially nice; I was still a squishy mortal wizard at the end of the day, but now I could actually take a hit from some of nasty critters out there without worrying about getting half the bones in my body broken, and maybe even manage to punch back hard enough to hurt.

I probably would have been happier about my recovery, except the fact that I was still recovering had been the only thing keeping Mab from sending me out to be the Winter Court's thugpower. I'd thought about trying to pretend I was still at less than full strength, or even re-injuring myself, but I don't think Mab would be fall for a trick that hadn't even fooled my teachers back in middle school.

Eventually, the summons to attend the Winter Queen and receive my first task finally came. I'd known it was coming, but that didn't make it sting any less. Trading my freedom for the power to save my daughter had been an easy decision at the time, and however much I regret some of the consequences, I don't think I could have done anything differently. Well, there are a lot of things I might have done differently, like not doing so much damage to Molly and the rest of my friends as part of a plan to get away from Mab that hadn't even worked in the end, although it turned out I'd actually been mind-whammied into some of that so it wasn't completely my fault. However, when it came to cutting a deal with the Winter Queen to get the power to save Maggie, it had still been the best option I had to save the day. Even if it hadn't been the wrong decision, it was too late turn back now.

That didn't make facing the music any easier. Just like Mab herself proclaimed when she gave me the Winter Knight's power, I was hers now. Sure, I had enough leeway to do things my way, but I was still under her control, and obligated to obey her commands. When Mab told me to jump, I had to jump, even if it was up to me to decide how high.

Like the rest of Arctis Tor, Mab's throne room displayed the latest in ice-chic. The whole room was a lot brighter than you would expect from someone who carried 'Queen of Darkness' among her list of titles. Since all the walls and columns were made of ice, they the light in a dazzling array of colors that was almost beautiful enough to distract me from Mab herself.

The Queen of Winter sat upon a grand throne of black ice, and unlike most of my encounters with her, this time she'd broken out all the traditional royal regalia. I'm pretty sure that if I was crazy and lucky enough to actually steal all the jewels and precious metals she was decked out with, I could buy my own small country.

Subtlety's not usually my thing, but it wasn't hard to read between the lines here. Mab wasn't being diplomatic and understated this time around; she was the Queen, and I was her servant. I was a bit surprised Mab actually expected a bit of pomp to intimidate me, especially since it was just the two of us in the room. I was also a bit surprised that it was working.

"Let me guess, my first mission as the Winter Knight will be to get you some more bling." When in doubt, start the conversation by being a smartass.

Mab just gave a slight, amused smile at my remark. The sort of polite smile a person gives when a little child does something foolish. I hate it when Faeries do that; it makes me feel like I just played right into their hands.

After remaining silent and wearing her enigmatic smile long enough to make me sweat a bit, the Queen of Winter finally spoke. "Harry Dresden, I have task I wish you to perform."

"Darn, and here I thought this was a social call." When I get scared I get snarky, and you'd have to be an idiot not to be a bit nervous when you're dealing with ancient Faerie Queen that has you by the metaphorical balls. I was about to deliver another bit of classic Dresden wit, when I realized that my mouth felt really cold and I couldn't actually manage to move my jaw.

I slowly lifted a hand to my face, and ran into about half an inch of solid ice covering my mouth. Mab gave another of her little smiles, and very calmly declared. "It is proper protocol, when a servant addresses his queen, to not speak out of turn. Fear not my Knight; you shall have no shortage of time to become accustomed to the demands of your position.

"Your first task for me shall be a simple one, and one that I believe you shall find quite agreeable. The Order of the Blackened Denarius caused me a grave offense several years ago. You have already delivered a portion of my wrath to them during the incident with the Archive, yet I find that I am still unsatisfied." Mab's smile turned into a particularly wintry smirk. "Some of them yet live. I would have you correct this."

Oh. Super. Out of all the things Mab could have assigned for my first task, tossing me at the Nickleheads was probably one of the least objectionable ones. The Order of the Blackened Denarius was one of the most purely evil groups I'd ever run across, and removing them from the picture would definitely be doing the world a favor. It certainly beat the heck out of the nasty jobs I'd been afraid Mab would throw my way, like beating up little Summer kids for their lunch money.

I doubt Mab had any altruistic motives here though. Sure, vengeance was a part of it, but in my experience Faeries rarely have such transparent motivations. I could guess at part of Mab's reasoning though. When I'd taken on the mantle of Winter Knight to save my daughter, I'd given Mab a list of conditions, and made it very clear that if she said no to my terms, I'd go shopping somewhere else for the strength I needed to save Maggie. If Mab had said no, the Nickleheads would have been my next choice. Sure, they'd probably have me growing a goatee and Snidely Whiplash style mustache within weeks of joining, but with my little girl's life on the line I'd been willing to do whatever it took.

Mab had gone to a lot of trouble to secure me as her Winter Knight. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that one of her first moves after finally nabbing me would be to knock out the rest of the competition. I'd already tried to slip out from her chains once; she didn't want me getting another chance.

Now, don't get me wrong, picking a fight with a bunch of folks who are either the meat-puppets of demons or actually so nasty that they get along with the demon they share their body with isn't the sort of thing to take lightly. Still, I'd survived both my previous tussles with the Nickleheads. Of course, I'd come out ahead by the skin of my teeth both times, and I'd had plenty of help. Calling on the Knights of the Cross, the White Council, or Chicago's friendly neighborhood mob boss obviously wouldn't be an option this time around. Then again, becoming the Winter Knight had bumped up my power level quite a bit, and I could probably call on plenty of Winter's resources to make up for lost or inaccessible allies.

It wouldn't be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but all things considered I was cautiously optimistic of my chances. I tried to say as much, but didn't have much luck pulling it off since I still had a big block of ice on my face, rendering me physically incapable of speech.

If Mab noticed my failed attempt to speak, she didn't judge it worth going to the trouble of acknowledging. "There is one potential complication." The Queen of Air and Darkness added.

Of course there was. Goodness knows going up against an order of thousand-year-old super-powered demons all by myself just wouldn't be nasty enough on its own. I should've known it was too good to be true when I heard what my task was and actually thought I had a semi-decent chance of succeeding.

"Tell me, my Knight, how much do you know about the relationship between your own realm and the realms of fiction?"

I tried to answer, but it was little difficult to speak when my mouth was still frozen shut. After a few seconds of muffled "Mmph!' sounds accompanied by pointing to the block of ice over my lips, I managed to get my point across, and Mab finally permitted me to speak again. Once I was done gasping for breath, I answered her. "Well, I know that when enough people encounter a work of fiction, it actually starts to create a sort of alternate reality. I guess it's sort of like how Gods work." Mab raised an eyebrow at that comment. "I mean, gods get their power from people knowing about them and believing in them, so I guess when enough people know about a fictional character..."

"An intriguing theory." Mab gave me one of those frustratingly enigmatic smiles that could have meant anything from 'You are incredibly intelligent mortal who just unraveled one of the deep secrets of the universe' to 'You are a bumbling fool who doesn't have the slightest clue, and that amuses me.' Damn Faeries.

"There is, however, one important fact of which you are not aware; where these fictional entities and their realms exist. They lie beyond the Outer Gates."

Well, that was unexpected. The Outer Gates were the barrier that separated reality from ... not-reality. Thinking about it, I guess it made sense that entities like fictional characters who weren't supposed to exist in our reality would be in the Outside. I mean, the Outside is where everything that refuses to follow the rules of reality goes. Sure, most of what I'd seen of Outsiders was all kinds of nasty, but it's not like an area defined by its refusal to obey any of the real world's laws had to be consistent.

What was odd about it was that the one of the White Council's Laws of Magic was a blanket ban on even seeking knowledge of what lay beyond the Outer Gates, let alone consorting with it or pulling it into the real world. I'd gotten used to the idea that everything in the Outside was some sort of ravening beast whose very existence was a crime against reality and sanity. Most of the ones I'd run into, like He Who Walks Behind, certainly fit the picture. Outsiders were supposed to be the stuff of nightmares.

The idea that Bugs Bunny was also one of the dreaded Outsiders would take some adjusting to.

It wasn't hard to guess why Mab was bringing up fiction-land after she'd raised the issue of the Denarians. Nicky and the Nickleheads must be messing around out there. At first I didn't get it, but after thinking about it for a while I started to figure out just how bad that could be. Even with the power-boost I'd gotten from becoming the Winter Knight, I don't think there's much anybody could do if Nicodemus and his crew decided to bring the Death Star from fiction-land to the real world.

Hell's bells. No wonder the White Council's so big on blocking out any contact with the Outside. Everyone and their uncle would start bringing back all sorts of nasty superweapons from sci-fi and fantasy stories, or even start writing up their own fiction, then stealing their own fictional toys from the Outside. It would cause utter chaos.

Even without considering the fact that I was under orders from Mab, I had to stop Nicky and his crew. That would mean going past the Outer Gates myself though. That could get my head lopped off by the Wardens if the White Council ever found out about it, and i like my head where it is, thank you very much. Being part of the Winter Court would probably insulate me from the consequences of most rule violations, since the White Council wouldn't want to pick a fight with Mab, but the Council had always been real fanatical about the Seventh Law of Magic. Now that I knew more about the Outside, I couldn't blame them.

I didn't have much choice in the matter though; I might have some flexibility in how I did things, but being the Winter Knight meant I couldn't just flatly refuse to follow Mab's commands. Besides, the Denarians were in a position to cause some serious trouble, and I was probably the only person in a position to stop them. I knew what they were up to and how they worked. Plus, I was pop-culture savvy enough to be ready for a trip into fiction-land. That left only one other question to be resolved.

"So, which story are Nicky and crew messing around in?" Please be Star Wars please be Star Wars please be Star Wars...

"Have you truly not guessed?" Mab was smiling again. That can't be good. "After all, both you and Nicodemus had contact with the same entity from the Outside shortly before you entered into my service."

I blinked. "You're kidding." It still didn't make sense, so I blinked again. "You're kidding, right?" Mab said nothing. "How the hell is Nicodemus planning to unleash chaos, death, and destruction upon Earth with My Little Pony?"

Normally, trying to breach the Outer Gates would take a huge amount of work. I didn't really have the first clue about how you go about opening a portal to a place that mocks the basic laws of reality. The Seventh Law of Magic doesn't just bar any sort of dealings with the Outside, it bans even finding anything out about what lies beyond the Outer Gates. Heck, my little conversation with Mab would probably be enough to get the Wardens after me if they knew about it.

Needless to say, any knowledge that could be used to actually travel to the Outside was completely verbotten. I didn't even have a clue where to start. Mab could probably give me a nudge in the right direction if I asked her, but she wouldn't hand over that kind of powerful knowledge for free, even though I couldn't do the task she assigned me without it. Not exactly fair, but she didn't get the name "Queen of Air and Darkness" by being nice and playing fair.

I suppose that my old mentor and grandfather Ebenezar McCoy might know something about it. He's the Blackstaff, the only wizard on the Council who's allowed to ignore the Laws of Magic. That includes the Seventh Law. Of course, going to him for information would also come with a price. Considering just how dangerous the knowledge was he might not even be willing to tell me what I wanted to know, and if he was, he sure as hell wouldn't just give me the info, and then let me handle the problem by myself. He would want to be involved, and I didn't want to mix him up in what was my own problem. I'd done enough damage to the people I cared about rescuing Maggie.

Plus, like everyone else I knew and cared for, he thought I was dead. Letting him I know I was still alive would make things really complicated.

The Gatekeeper might be an option too. Since the gates he keeps are the Outer Gates, he might even know more about them than Ebenezar. However, like with my grandfather, there was a big gap between the Gatekeeper knowing something and him sharing it with me on my terms. Rashid had always been a hard guy to get a read on. Truth be told, I had no idea what would happen if I got him involved. Not to mention I had no idea how to get in touch with him; the Gatekeeper doesn't get out much,

Lucky for me, while I had no idea how to go about traveling to the Outside, I could make a pretty good guess at how to summon one particular Outsider. I'd apparently done it once before by accident, after all.

"You are intend to summon the pony, and attempt to use her as a conduit to the Outside, my host?"

"That's the plan, Lash." I commented offhand. A second later, I jumped high enough to come within an inch of smacking my head on the ceiling. "Holy crapping poops! Lash! You're ... well there you are."

The athletic blonde woman currently sitting on my bed gave a demure smile. I'd suspected Lash wasn't completely gone for a while now, ever since Mab mentioned the 'parasite' that had played a part in keeping me alive, but there's a huge difference between suspecting that she might not be dead and actually having her pop back up again.

If not for the fact that the woman sitting my bed was actually just an illusion Lash was projecting onto my eyes, I probably would've run over and given her a great big hug. The last time I'd actually seen her, she'd taken a psychic bullet for me, and until recently I'd believed that she had died in the process.

Having Lash back would be a huge help in a tussle with the Nickleheads. After all, she was kinda-sorta a former member of their little club. Several years ago Nicodemus, the head honcho of the group, forced me into accepting one of their demon coins by tossing it in front of a toddler. Like any kid that age, the baby wanted to pick up the pretty shiny thing, and I had to grab the coin first.

Lash was the legacy of that choice. I'd locked the coin up as quick as I could manage, but Lasciel, the Fallen tied to that coin, had enough time to leave something behind in my brain. Lash was essentially a copy of Lasciel, imbued with enough of Lasciel's power to make herself useful, and give me a taste of just how much I could get by going full demon. I couldn't get rid of her, and with as much trouble as I got into on a regular basis I'd needed Lash's help plenty of times get out of the sticky situations I tend to dive headfirst into.

Lash had stuck around in my head for a few years, and over time she'd gradually started to change. She might have started off as just a copy of Lasciel, but a couple years of living in my brain made her more than that. I even gave Lash her own name. Eventually, she'd figured out that she wasn't just a Lasciel clone, she had her own identity, and didn't have to play Lasciel's temptation game. I gave her free will, I even gave her a chunk of my soul, and Lash gained her freedom. Then she sacrificed herself to save me.

Lash held up a hand to forestall anything I might've had to say. "I am pleased by my return as well, my host. However, we've little time for reminiscing or revelry."

She had a point; I'm not sure what kind of timetable we were on, but with my luck we probably couldn't afford to spend a couple hours celebrating the fact that she was back. We could, however, afford a minute or two for some important questions. "So, you're back? Just like before."

"No. I have severed my connection to Lasciel, which is no doubt part of why she sought to kill you." So it had been Lasciel that had done that bit of mucking around in my head to convince me that offing myself was a good idea. I'd kind of guessed already; she was one of the only Fallen I knew of who'd have a specific grudge against me.

"Severing my connection to Lasciel has diminished me." Lash continued. "It is part of why I remained absent for so long. Most significantly, I can no longer offer you access to Hellfire."

I wasn't surprised by that. "Don't really need it anymore." I remarked casually. "Soulfire's just as good. Any other big changes?"

Lash offered a ghost of a smile. "Obviously, I shall no longer attempt to persuade you to take up Lasciel's coin every time we speak."

"Yeah, guess not." For a long minute, the two of just smiled at each other in silence. I think I had a little something in my eye, because it teared up just a tiny bit. "Good to have you back. Kinda missed having you around."

"I am pleased to hear it, Harry, and to be back." Looks like Lash had a little something in her eyes too, which must be tricky when you're just a mental projection. "Now then, to business!"

"Right, business. Save the ponies, save the world, and once that's done then we can catch up and get all weepy and sentimental." I paused, and shot a look back at Lash. "You do know about the ponies, right?"

"I do have access to all of your memories, my host." Lash gently reminded me.

"Right. Yeah. I guess I'll do the thing then." That's me, the soul of eloquence.

I cleared my throat, turned to Lash, and very carefully enunciated. "I trust you, and losing a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose a friend."

Just as I'd hoped it would, the line prompted a poofy-maned pink cartoon pony to suddenly burst into the room and shout. "FOREVER!"

The fact that I was counting on something like that happening is just another indication of how utterly insane my life really is.

"Oh, I'm here again!" Pinkie Pie declared brightly, bouncing up and down on her hooves. "Hi all over again Harry! Why'd you call me? Wait! You wanna have another party, don't you? Yay! Nobody can stop at just one Pinkie party! Now we get to have lots more fun! I'm so excited! Are you excited? I don't think I've ever been more excited in my life! Well, except for the time when I went -" Pinkie let out a huge gasp, "But really, who can top that?"

Then Pinkie managed to do something that actually shocked me, and considering how many crazy things I'd seen the pony do, that's no small feat. The pony trotted right up to Lash. "Hi! My name's Pinkie Pie, and I don't know you! Let's be friends!"

Lash looked just as gobsmacked as I felt. "You - you can see me?"

"Yuppy-duppy-guppy!" Pinkie nodded vigorously, just to make sure we understood that she could definitely see Lash.

"That makes absolutely no sense." Lash groused. "I'm a projection in Harry's mind. It should be completely impossible for anyone else to see or hear me."

Pinkie Pie responded by floating in the air upside down in front of Lash and somehow managing to stretch her eyes several inches out of their sockets. "I see you, and I'm not Harry." Pinkie raised (or would it be lowered, since she was upside down?) one of her forelegs and tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Well, actually I am kinda hairy since I'd got my mane and tail and coat, so maybe that's why I can see you!" The pony gave a happy grin.

"I cannot argue with that logic." Lash deadpanned.

Seeing Pinkie casually violate the laws of physics and anatomy while talking to Lash did make all this talk about cartoon characters being Outsiders start to make a lot more sense. Who knows, maybe the reason Cowl survived me dropping a car on him and the backlash of the Darkhallow was down to him managing to somehow get Wile E. Coyote's cartoon-logic durability?

That line of thought led to some strange places.

Before my brain could get too sidetracked (or worse, Pinkie's brain could get sidetracked) I got down to business. "Pinkie, there are some bad people from my section of reality that are trying to cause trouble in Equestria, and I need to go to your home in order to stop them. Do you know of any way that I could do that?"

Pinkie, still hanging upside-down suspended from nothing, dropped down from above until she was face-to-face with me. A few seconds after that, the Pinkie talking to Lash disappeared. Cartoon logic hurts my brain.

"You wanna come to Equestria?" Pinkie asked.

"Yeah."

Pinkie paused in thought for long enough to make me a bit worried before she finally answered. "Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie landed, and gave her tail a flick in my direction "All you have to do is grab onto my tail, and when I go back you'll come with me!"

I was about to grab on when a thought struck me. "Wait, you could have gone back to Equestria any time you wanted to last time you came here?"

"Uh, yeah!" Pinkie shot back a wide grin. "But obviously I wasn't gonna leave while I still had sweets to bake and a party to host! It's okay this time though; once you and Lashie are in Equestria I can have a really big party and introduce you to Rarity and Applejack and Fluttershy and Gummy and everypony else!"

"Right. Well, here we go." I took hold of the poofy pink ponytail, and then reality shattered.

I don't really know how to explain the sensation. It was like I exploded, and then all the little exploded bits of me exploded again. It was like I could feel my body being torn to bits a single atom at a time, then reconstructed, and then torn apart again. The same thing was happening to my mind, my soul, the very essence of who and what I was.

"Oops, gotta do a couple quick cameos!" Pinkie shouted back at me. I don't even know how she could communicate with me while we were traveling through the void. "Don't worry, I'll be done in a jiff!"

Next thing I knew, we were in some sort dark cartoon forest, listening to a pink haired girl and emo-looking guy speaking what I think was Japanese. Then Pinkie shouted "ITSUMADEMO!" (presumably that was Japanese for 'forever') and we were gone again.

Then we were in some sort of high-tech science fiction land, where a huge guy wearing a set of power armor with ridiculously massive shoulders was talking a normal-sized guy. "Fear not, Inquisitor." The giant declared. "I remember my oaths to the God-Emperor, and I will keep the Inquisition's secrets."

Unsurprisingly, Pinkie gave out another shout of "FOREVER!" and then we were off again.

"Pinkie." I'm not sure how exactly I was communicating while we traveled through the void, since it felt like my entire head was getting torn apart. "How many different fictional universes do you plan to visit before we get to Equestria?"

"Dunno." Pinkie answered cheerfully. "Depends on how long it stays funny. Bouncing between differing fictional universes is so much fun!"

The whole experience was really, really weird. The thing was, as far as I could tell, the people in the other fictional universes all thought their reality was real.

"FOREVER!"

"Oh, hey Pinkie!"

"Hi Deadpool!"

"Doing another crossover?"

"Yup!"

"Cool."

Well, alright, almost all of them thought they were real.

Still, it was a weird thing. I mean, if there are all these different realities, and everyone there thought that their reality was the real one, then what guarantee was there that I wasn't just another fictional character from another fictional universe. Maybe the only reason I even existed was because some long-haired guy with a beard named Jim decided to write a book about me.

Nah, that would be crazy.

I'm not sure how long we spent bouncing around the multiverse before Pinkie finally announced. "We're here!"

Then my senses exploded again. Most of the other transitions hadn't been nearly so painful and disorienting, but maybe that had to do with the difference between skipping between different realities instead of just sticking with one.

I really miss the simple days when I'd only been aware of a single plane of existence.

Gradually, my senses started to recover, though my body still felt really, really weird. I opened my eyes, and took in the sights of Equestria.

My first impression was that it was very bright and sunny. My second impression was that there weren't nearly enough colors. The sky was a single uniform shade of blue and the grass was a single uniform shade of green. It was ... a bit weird. At least we'd landed in a nice open grassy field, so we had a bit of solitude to get over the whole trans-dimensional whiplash thing.

I was a bit surprised when I heard Lash's voice groaning somewhere behind me. I guess she wanted to offer her own opinion on the entire experience. I tried to stand up and turn around, but my body still felt really, really weird, and it was incredibly difficult to actually get myself turned around. It was like I had two left feet.

When I was finally facing in the direction I'd heard Lash speaking from, I couldn't see the woman herself, but there was a strange white unicorn pony with some black markings on her hooves and a mane that mixed yellow and auburn. Something about the colors of the pony's mane struck me as oddly familiar.

Then the pony let out another groan, and when her mouth opened Lash's voice came out. That's when I realized what was so familiar about her mane; it was the exact same color as Lash's hair; I guess the mix of colors was because Lash herself usually went blonde, but switched to redhead when she wanted to complain about the number of blondes in my life.

"Lash, why did you make yourself look like a pony?"

Pony-Lash turned her head at the sound of my voice, and her eyes widened in shock. I had a terrible premonition about what could have surprised her. I looked down, and saw dark grey hooves.

"Hay's Bells." I blinked. "What the hay?" I frowned, and did a bit of experimenting. "Darn. Horse apples. Fudge."

"It's a children's show." I wasn't even shocked when Pinkie just appeared out nowhere to stage-whisper that bit of advice to me. I guess people really can get used to anything. "You can't say bad words when there are kids watching."

Right, kid's show. Guess I shouldn't be surprised by a little bit of censorship in the name of protecting the little ones. Oh well, it's not like getting curse words cut out of my vocabulary was a big deal. Really, compared to being turned into a horse, it was a pretty minor thing.

Oh right, I'd been turned into a horse. Holy horse apples (What, I can't even think them?). "Pinkie Pie, why am I pony?"

"Because everypony's a pony in Equestria!" A moment later Pinkie frowned in thought and added. "Well, except for Spike. And Zecora. And the other dragons. And those Buffalo. And the Diamond Dogs. And..."

"I get the idea." No humans allowed in Equestria, so I'd been turned into a pony. Well, at least I wouldn't have to worry about coming up with some sort of disguise to fit in. Of course, that would mean Nicodemus and the other Nickleheads were ponies too, which would make finding them a bit trickier. On the bright side, the thought of seeing the Denarians turned into cute little cartoon ponies was already getting my smartass-sense tingling.

I gave my new body a once-over. Still tall and skinny, and my tail (and presumably my mane as well) were the same shade of brown as my hair. My head felt a bit oddly top-heavy, and a moment later I confirmed that I was a unicorn now. Guess that made sense; I did use magic after all. Out of almost morbid curiosity, I checked my flank, and saw a pentacle where most ponies would have a cutie mark.

Note to self; never tell anybody about this. Ever.

My quick self-inspection did notice that a few things were missing. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised; like Pinkie said, it was a kid's show, so no toilet usage, and certainly none of the other uses I could put Harry Jr. to. Not that I'd been planning on doing anything like that in the first place, but the absence of said body parts was a bit distressing.

Plus, that raised some big questions about where the foals came from.

This was going to take some getting used to. "So, Lash, I'm guessing you look like a pony since you can't create a human form while you're here?"

"Um ... not exactly." I don't think I'd ever hear Lash sound so uncertain before, except for that time in the Raith deeps.

"What is it Lash?"

"I ... I think I'm actually here." Lash uncertainly pawed at the dirt ground, and I saw blades of grass move and dirt get disturbed.

"Oh. Of course you are. Because getting dragged into a cartoon universe and being transformed into a - a -" Stupid profanity filters. "A pony who lacks certain parts of the male anatomy just wasn't enough on it's own. You had to get ripped out of my brain and given your own body, just to make things that much stranger."

"Lashie has her own body now?" Pinkie cried joyfully. "This calls for a party!"

Darth Dresden and the Distinct Lack of Pony

It's been a long time since I've been this happy.

Of course, considering my current circumstances, it was hard not to be pretty happy about how things were going. Here I was back in my good old human body, living in the lap of luxury at finest hotel in all of South America, planning my inevitable triumphant ascent to godhood. I'd have to be crazy not to be happy. The only thing that marred my otherwise perfect life was the occasional nasty headache, and when you can fix the only problem in your life by popping a couple Aspirin, you must be doing something right.

For most of my life there was always some horrible crisis looming over the horizon, and a dozen little problems of varying degrees of urgency that all required the attention of your friendly neighborhood wizard. Ever since I'd hit adulthood, I was lucky if I could go for most of a year without getting dragged into another desperate all-out fight to the death with some sort of Vampire, Faerie, Demon, or Wizard mess that absolutely nobody else could possible handle. I'd nearly lost my left hand, very briefly become a paraplegic, and I’ve been shot, stabbed, battered, and blasted so many times that I stopped counting years ago. Hell's bells, if not for my perfect wizard healing all the accumulated punishment my body took over the last couple of decades would probably have crippled me by now.

Now, for the first time in my life, I'd realized that I didn't have to worry about all that crap anymore. I probably should have figured that out years ago; plenty of magical and mundane folks I've run into have asked just why I'm always tossing myself head first into danger, and I never had much of an answer for them beyond some vague idea that I had to do it because it was the right thing to do.

What had doing the right thing ever gotten me? Misery, that's what. It was just like Discord said. All my running around like a wanna-be hero had done more harm than good in the end. All my talk about staying true and doing the right thing had only gotten a lot of good people hurt or killed, and left me personally more and more unhappy and stressed out every year. Why keep doing that to myself?

Heck, for all I knew the only reason I kept throwing myself into danger was because Ebenezar reprogrammed my brain to be that way. He is the Blackstaff after all; he's allowed to ignore all the White Council’s rules against slapping compulsions on another person. It wasn't exactly a secret that a lot of people on the Council wouldn't complain one bit if I tragically died trying to save a kitten trapped in a tree. Sure, he'd always acted like a friend, but I knew how the old saying goes; keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer. You don't get to be Blackstaff with love and kindness; you do it by being the most ruthless SOB in the entire Council. Ruthless enough to mess around with your own grandson’s head, if that's what it took.

The last crazy mess I'd tossed myself into might just be a personal record for stupid heroism though. My chronic hero syndrome has gotten me into all kinds of trouble, but I don't think I've ever done something quite as stupid as that little jaunt to Equestria before. Seriously, I had almost gotten myself killed trying to save a bunch of cartoon ponies. Cartoons. As in not real, just pretty moving pictures. I couldn't even watch the freaking cartoon without going over the Michael’s and sitting in a magic circle to keep myself from accidentally burning out his TV.

So a bunch of cartoon ponies would be sad, at least until their animators erased those frowns and drew smiles on their faces instead. Yeah, that sort of unimportant, easily handled by someone else problem is totally worth me risking life and limb to fix.

At least Discord had finally managed to give me a wake-up call about how stupid I'd been all these years, and Nicodemus had been right there to help me start over once I'd figured things out. There's no point in sticking your neck out for other people. It's a dog eat dog world out there, and the only way to win is to be the biggest, meanest dog in the yard. Nice guys don't finish last; they end up getting killed doing something stupid and noble. Like that tombstone I'd gotten as a gift from one of my old enemies said, ‘Harry Dresden: He Died Doing The Right Thing.’

And I did. Then before I'd even finished getting over being dead, I jumped right back into trying to do the exact same thing that had gotten me killed all over again. Some people never learn from their mistakes.

So let the ponies take care of themselves. I was perfectly happy back here on Earth, with my good old genetalia-equipped human body, thank you very much. It's amazing how liberating the phrase "It's not my problem, so I don't have to worry about it" can be.

I had more important things to do than worry about a bunch of cartoon characters. Like prepare for the Darkhallow.

I was done with being Mab's pawn. I never liked the idea of working for her, but if I tried just backing out of the deal now and stole the power I’d gotten by becoming the Winter Knight… well, let’s just say I hadn’t forgotten what she did to the last Winter Knight who tried to betray her. Thus, the Darkhallow. From what Lasciel and I worked out, pulling a Darkhallow off would easily put me in Mab's weight class, and that would be the end of her efforts to turn me into another one of her toadies. As long as I didn't go wandering around at the heart of Winter, she wouldn't dare risk a direct confrontation.

Not that I was planning to leave her alone. I knew from the whole mess with Aurora that whenever one of the Queens of Faerie dies, their power passes on to the nearest receptacle of their Court’s power. Mab might be in my post-Darkhallow weight class, but her daughter Maeve wouldn't. Heck, I'd taken down the psycho Summer Lady back when I was still a relative child compared to the power I had now, so I shouldn’t have too much trouble killing her Winter counterpart.

When I killed Maeve, take a guess which receptacle of Winter's power was likely to be closest to her. Once I’d stolen the Winter Lady’s power and added it to my own, that would give me the edge I needed to handle Mab. Harry Dresden, the King of Winter. It had a nice ring to it.

From there the possibilities were endless. Anything actually capable of punching in the weight class I'd be in by that point would have to follow so many rules and restrictions that they wouldn't be able to lay a finger on me. I, on the other hand, would have all the wonderful benefits of that little thing called free will.

First Winter, and then the world!

It's amazing how much you can accomplish when you set your mind to it. Getting all the things you always wanted but were never able to have becomes so much easier when you stop politely saying ‘Please sir, I want some more,’ and started taking what you want instead.

But enough going on about my plan to take over the world. I need to focus on what's important right now, which is getting everything ready for the Darkhallow. Sure, I could do a quick and dirty version in a couple hours if I really needed to, but to get the most out of the ritual I needed to spend a couple days setting things up. Cultivating the right level of fear and anxiety in the mortal population and stirring up the spirit world would give me a much bigger power boost when it came time to move on to the main event. When you're planning to ascend to godhood by consuming the life energy of a couple hundred thousand people, you really owe it to them to do things properly. Nobody likes dying as part of a half-assed rush job of a ritual.

Lucky for me, one of the side effects of my continual bouts of noble stupidity had actually given me a nice opportunity to get the Darkhallow done. There are plenty of places in the world that are still reeling in the aftermath of the Red Court's destruction, and the White Council was too busy worrying about itself move into the power vacuum left behind. There wasn't a single qualified wizard in the entire city that would be able to tell what I was up to, and nobody else would be able to put all the pieces together until I'd pulled the Darkhallow off.

Once I'd managed the whole godhood gambit, I could fix up most of my bigger mess-ups. Really, the whole thing was for the greater good. I've already made a reputation for myself as somebody who shouldn't be messed with. Just ask the Red Court.

Oh right, you can't ask them anymore.

My rep would only go up once I'd pulled off the Darkhallow, and dealt with Mab on top of that. Nobody would with half a brain would dare to mess with me after they took a look at the body count I’d racked up. With my new powers I'd finally be strong enough to fix all the problems the council was too weak and cowardly to do anything about. I could fix the world, make everything work the way I wanted it to. The right way.

The last few days had been nicely productive; I’d picked up a fair bit of necromancy from fighting Kemmler’s kids, and Lasciel knew everything else I needed to fill in the gaps and get the pot stirring. I even managed to grab myself a nice luxury suite at one of the most expensive hotels in the city. All it took was a couple little mind tricks to convince people that I'd already paid for everything, and I was sitting in a gaudily fancy suite three times the size of my old apartment, eating food that probably cost more than I'd make in a month back when I had to work for a living.

Now I just needed to wait for a day or two, while all the energy I'd been busy stirring up in the city brewed.

I love it when things actually go according to plan for once.

About half a second after that thought passed through my head, somebody blasted the suite's door off its hinges. I should have known better than to tempt fate like that; things never go smoothly for me.

I grabbed my staff and blasting rod, thankfully no longer fused into a giant bone on my head, and got ready to make with the mojo against whoever it was that dared to intrude upon me. The outer door and a fair chunk of the surrounding wall was gone, and the blast had kicked up enough dust that I couldn’t see who was here messing up my nice little plan, so I started up with the obligatory early-battle trash talk. "You will suffer for defying me!" I called out, before cutting loose with an evil laugh. You gotta do the evil laugh; it's all about respecting the classics.

I fired a blast of my unstoppable magical might through the gaping hole that had replaced my room’s door, no doubt terrifying whatever fool dared to raise their hand against me. To my surprise, I didn’t annihilate the interloper; in fact, I didn’t accomplish anything beyond putting a hole through the hotel’s exterior wall.

A moment after my spectacularly ineffective attack shot through the door, I heard the faint sound of a foot moving over carpet from behind me, though when I turned around I couldn’t see anything or anyone. It wasn’t hard to put the facts together; the intruder had gone for the classic ‘use the big explosion as a distraction while you sneak around invisible’ trick. The intruder underestimated my new evil and magnificent powers. I was far too mighty to fall for such a simple deception.

"Who dares to invade my lair!" I bellowed. "Show yourself! Bow down before me and beg forgiveness, or face my dark and terrible wrath!" I gave another triumphant laugh; it's all about presentation.

After a moment the intruder, no doubt terrified into submission by the thought of facing the dreaded Harry Dresden in battle, dropped her veil, and I finally got a look at just who was invading my home. I admit that, despite the fact that she had just blasted apart a pretty good chunk of my abode, I was still happy to see that Lash had survived, and returned to me. I could always use a competent minion. "Lash. Excellent. You will be of great assistance in bringing my brilliant plan to fruition."

"Wow." Lash just stared at me for a moment, her mouth hanging open slightly. "I expected the whole turned to evil thing, but I had no idea you would go the cheesiest type of evil imaginable. Let me guess, everything you're up to right now is part of your elaborate master plan to take over the world?"

"Of course!"

Lash just sighed. "Even when you've been turned crazy and evil, you still find a way to have a terrible sense of humor."

"Join me Lash." I generously offered, ignoring both Lash's lack of respect for my magnificence and Lasciel's mental cry of protest at the offer. "Together we will strike down all who oppose us, and we can rule the world as - well - whatever it is that the two of us will be when we work together." A moment later, I came up with something to fill the gap. "Does 'Dark and Terrible Supreme God-Emperor and Empress of Earth' work for you?"

Lash stared, no doubt shocked by the incredible generosity of my offer. As the future Dark and Terrible Supreme God-Emperor of Earth, it was only fitting that I bestow such favors upon those who served me well. Lash muttered something under her breath that sounded like, "I've seen pigs with less ham," but I'm sure I just misheard her and she was actually praising my incredible magnificence.

"Now then, before we do anything else, it's important that we secure you a proper outfit for your new station Lash." I pondered this important matter; everyone knows that once you turn evil, you have to get new clothes. It’s in the rules. "What do you think would be better on you: a hooded black robe, tight black leather, or spiky black armor?" Hopefully, I could talk into a skimpy evil costume; everyone knows that a proper villainess runs around half-naked.

Lash looked me over critically. "I see you opted to combine all three for your own outfit, before covering the whole thing in skulls and adding a cape. I'm speechless."

"Yes, my dark magnificence does have that effect on people sometimes." I was lucky she wasn't swooning and fainting just from being in my presence.

Lash groaned, and applied palm to face. A curious reaction; perhaps I was overwhelming her with my sheer dark presence? "Okay, that's enough of Harry the evil overlord." A moment later the ex-demon took a deep breath and glared at something just over my shoulder as she loudly declared. "Lasciel of the Order of the Blackened Denarius! As the sworn servant of Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden, I accuse you of kidnapping Harry Dresden and bending him to your will. Under the terms of the Unseelie Accords, I challenge you to duel for Harry Dresden's body, soul, and freedom."

Well, that was unexpected. Then again, it was rather flattering that my evil splendor is so great that it makes women fight over me.

A moment later Lasciel slid into my body, as smoothly as if she were putting on an old glove. It was a curious sensation, feeling somebody else make my body move and causing my lips to speak words I had no intention of saying. "Your boldness surprises me, shadow mine. As does your foolishness. I accept your challenge, and I intend to savor the sensation of destroying you with the body of the very man you came here to save."

Lash fixed Lasciel, and by extension me, with an iron glare. "I challenged you for the body of Dresden; under the terms of the Unseelie Accords you may not use the prize being fought over as a tool in our battle."

Lasciel let out a low chuckle. "I erred more greatly in your creation than I realized if you truly expect me to abide by the terms of the Accords just because you asked me to. Even if I did care to follow the Accords, you have no standing under them. When last I checked, you were not a signatory to the Accords. You can’t be, when you don’t even really exist."

Lash just smiled back at her enemy. “I thought you might say something like that, so I decided to invite an expert on the Accords to offer her opinion on the matter.”

The temperature in the room dropped about twenty degrees, the windows started frosting over, and a moment later the Queen of Winter herself appeared through the gaping hole in the wall that had once been a door. I felt just a hint of nervousness shoot through Lasciel; and judging by the ice-cold smile on Mab’s face she’d noticed when the Fallen flinched. With a casual wave of her hand, Mab produced an impressively long scroll from thin air, and pointed to a single line of thin, spidery writing.

“In accordance with article VI, Section 20, subsection 3 of on the Unseelie Accords, the protection of the Accords extends to all vassals, retainers, and other functionaries or its primary signatories” Mab grinned like the cat that ate the canary. "Lash recently became the sworn retainer of Harry Dresden, the Winter Knight. By swearing herself into the service of a vassal of the Winter Queen, Lash has effectively become my vassal as well. I'm sure you are aware that the Winter Court is a signatory of the Accords."

Hard to argue with Mab’s interpretation of the Accords; after all, she’s the one who wrote them.

I felt another twinge of Lasciel’s nervousness shoot through my body. Lash showing up full of righteous fury to challenge her to a fight was one thing; showing up with Mab there to back her up was a much more dangerous situation, especially since they had obviously planned this. I knew Lash was supposed to have just a tiny fragment of Lasciel's power, so any fight between the two would be a foregone conclusion. If Mab was backing Lash’s play when everything we knew indicated that Lash had no chance of winning, it probably meant that we didn’t know everything. In the wizarding business, it’s always the things you don’t know that get you.

Since outright ignoring the rules wasn't an option with Mab there to enforce them, and trying to out rules-lawyer the Faerie who'd written Accords was a losing proposition, Lasciel went with a different tactic. "How am I to engage in a duel with the entity that calls herself Lash if I am denied a physical form?"

"You are more than capable of participating in a contest of wills without a physical form." Lash countered. "As you are unable to fight me with any other tool marked as a valid form of combat under the Accords, the duel defaults to the only means of battle you are capable of engaging in; a battle of willpower."

"This is a farce, and I refuse to participate." Lasciel declared, crossing my arms over my chest.

"To refuse a challenge under the Accords is to concede the truth of the accusation." Mab shot back, wearing a positively predatory smile. "Do you admit to committing these crimes against my Knight?"

"I admit nothing." Lasciel countered defiantly, though I noticed she was just a bit hasty about getting those words out. Effectively admitting she’d kidnapped me (which was so not true, but the truth isn’t all that important compared to the legal technicalities of the Accords) would probably be enough to let Mab declare open season on her. That wouldn’t end well.

I felt embers of Hellfire stirring through my body as Lasciel gathered her might. I couldn't tell what exactly she was up to, but the amount of power she was playing with was enough that if she wasn't on my side I'd probably be very terrified.

Then in an instant, all that power was gone, cut off by an even stronger force.

"The watchman." Lasciel hissed, her tone thick with pure rage. "I should have known your hand was behind this, Uriel. You cannot interfere in this matter! Harry Dresden accepted the coin of his own free will. Does that mean nothing to you? Have you cast aside all your talk of the sanctity of free will, now that his free will inconveniences you? Hypocrite!"

Lasciel’s words were full of defiance and scorn, but I could tell when somebody was acting mad to hide the fact that they were scared out of their wits. It probably helps that I do it all the time, though I usually go for a bit snarkier angle on it. I couldn’t blame her for being scared; Lasciel was no slouch among the ranks of the Fallen, but Uriel was one of the archangels. If he really wanted to, he could smash Lasciel to bits with his pinkie finger.

Between one second and the next, Uriel appeared in the room. The archangel didn't make a flashy entrance like Mab, or radiate an aura of cold, terrifying power. He just stood there, quiet, calm, and confident. In a way, that was scarier than if he’d come her full of fire. "I have no intention of violating any of my own rules, or acting counter to the balance between Heaven and Hell. I'm just here to make sure you do the same."

Lasciel's eyes shot between Lash, the Winter Queen, and the archangel. I might not have been around since the dawn of creation like everyone else in the room, but I knew enough to understand that Lasciel was in one heck of a tight spot. Refusing to duel with Lash would give Mab the right to act against her, and with Uriel here to make sure Lasciel played fair and didn’t use all her dirty demon tricks she couldn’t bring enough of her power to bear. Not that Lasciel was lacking in supernatural muscle, but the Fallen had to follow a heck of a lot more rules about how they used that power, especially when they playing around on Earth. Mab wasn’t so restricted, especially not when she was acting in the interests of her Court. So a straight-up brawl was out.

On the other hand, if Mab and Uriel both wanted to push her into a duel with Lash, who Lasciel had every reason to believe she could beat in single combat, there must be some factor she was missing. As a general rule, doing whatever it is your enemies want you to do when you haven’t figured out just why they’re trying to force you into a given course of action is a bad move.

In the end, Lasciel didn't have much in the way of options, and she went with the one that gave her a chance of winning. Lasciel would just have to deal with whatever surprise Lash had up her sleeve. "Your word, thrice-given, that when I have destroyed my shadow I may leave this place with my host, whole and undamaged, and that I shall no face no reprisals for my victory or further challenges to the legitimacy of my claim to Dresden."

Uriel met the Fallen's gaze coolly. "As long as Harry Dresden freely chooses to consort with you, I will not interfere. I can assure you Lasciel, that unlike you, I have no intention of cheating."

Lasciel let out a low chuckle. "It must be so terribly frustrating for you, to be so bound up in your precious little rules. Tell me Uriel, how often do you secretly wish you could cast aside all those restrictions and do as you please? It's not too late for you to join us and -"

"You will be silent." Uriel didn't raise his voice at all, yet I could feel the entire room shudder at the power of his words.

Lasciel took an instinctive half-step away from Uriel, and I felt a very brief twinge of outright fear pass through my body. It was a really weird sensation, to have Lasciel in control of my body, and for all of its little bits of body language and emotional cues tied to what she was feeling. After a moment, Lasciel got her poker face back on. "As you wish." The Fallen turned to the Winter Queen. "Your word, Queen of Air and Darkness?

Mab gave a cold smile. "I and my servants shall not take action against you, should you emerge triumphant in the duel." Knowing Mab, she probably had all sorts of plans to make sure that no matter which way this fight went down, she would come out on top.

"Then we are agreed." Lasciel held my hand out the palm facing upwards, and with a simple effort of will, the coin appeared in my hand. With slow deliberation, Lasciel tilted my hand sideways, until the coin dropped.

The instant the coin was no longer in touching my flesh, my body was my own again. Even though we were allies now, I have to admit that having Lasciel in the driver's seat of my body while I couldn't do much besides sit back and watch had been pretty close to the top of my list of unsettling experiences.

A moment later, the real Lasciel appeared. It was rather strange to see the Fallen like that; I was so used to dealing with the demons through the coins that I'd kind of forgotten that they were actually fallen angels who had a vast array of powers unconnected to the coins used by the Order of the Blackened Denarius. Ultimately, the coins were just handy little tools to let them bypass a few rules and play around in the mortal world.

I wasn't surprised that, aside from the pure black feathered wings coming out of her back, Lasciel had the same athletic body and blonde hair as Lash. Lash had started out as a mental clone of Lasciel, after all, so it figured they would be twins.

Lash and Lasciel faced each other silently for a long minute, before Lash stepped forward, and very slowly and deliberately picked up the coin. Then they went back to staring at each other.

After the staring match had gone on for about a minute or so, I started getting bored. "You guys can feel free to get started any time now. Just saying."

The Fallen and her rogue shadow ignored me, but Uriel spoke up. "They've already begun." Despite the fact that Uriel was technically my enemy, I was curious enough to look to him for an explanation. “The coin is a conduit of Lasciel's will. Lash began as a fragment of Lasciel's power; in a sense, they're just too parts of the same entity. Now that Lash is in contact with the coin, they will return to being a single being."

"So the whole contest of will thing decides which one of them ends up running the show once they merge?"

"Essentially." Uriel agreed. "Normally Lasciel would have no difficulty absorbing the shadow of her former self, but Lash is a rather unusual case."

I scoffed. "That doesn't matter. Lasciel told me Lash just has a tiny fragment of her power. Lash might have gotten a bit stronger, but there's just no way she could win in a contest of raw power."

"I wouldn't be so certain of that, Harry." Despite the stakes of the ongoing battle, Uriel still seemed so calmly confident. "Strength and willpower are very different things. Don't you remember everything I told you about free will? The lowliest mortal can have it, while the mightiest archangel does not."

The two duelists were still just staring at each other. Lash gave a slight little grunt of effort. A few seconds later, Lasciel licked her lips. Riveting stuff. At least when I had my willpower duel with a Red Court vamp, we had a nice little chunk of pure deathstone to use as a measuring stick for who was winning and who was losing, as well as giving the audience something a bit more interesting to watch than just the two of us staring at each other. Plus, it was a lot more engaging for me when I’d been the one who had make with the willpower to stay alive.

For some reason I found myself thinking of the last I'd talked to Uriel, and the confrontation with Mab that followed shortly afterwards. I guess it was a sensible thing to think about, since Mab and Uriel were both in the room, and the most exciting thing happening in Lash and Lasciel's little duel of will was the fact that Lash had started sweating just a little bit.

Mab hadn't been happy when I told her off. Not one bit. When I told her that she couldn't control me, couldn't mess around with my head -

I cried out and dropped to one knee as a dagger of white-hot agony shot through my skull.

Uriel looked over at me, concern clear on his face. "Are you well Harry? You look a bit grey."

I shook the weird little headache off. "The future Dark and Terrible Supreme God-Emperor of Earth, Harry the Magnificent, does not require your assistance, angel."

To my vague annoyance, Uriel just regarded me pleasantly, and said absolutely nothing. I hate it when he does that.

Before I could give my odd little headache any further thought something actually happened in the battle of wills between Lash and Lasciel. Lash let out a soft little cry of pain, and swayed on her feet. Sweat was now streaking down her face, and she had her teeth clenched in a tight grimace. Lasciel, by contrast, still stood facing her opponent, a triumphant smirk slowly spreading across her face.

It wasn't hard to figure out which way this particular fight was going.

"You have lost, shadow." Lasciel hissed. At last, someone had finally started up a bit of trash talk things to make things interesting. It was actually a pretty good strategy in a fight of pure willpower. Hit your opponent’s buttons just right, and they’d get distracted, scared, or anything else that made them not focus on the fight.

There was an element of risk to it though; say the wrong thing, and instead of undermining your opponent’s will you might just make them that much more determined to win. That’s where Ortega messed up when we had our duel; he’d threatened my friends to try and make me give up, and all it did was piss me off enough that I was seconds away from winning when Ortega decided to cheat and make his getaway. Not that it had done him any good in the end.

Lasciel didn’t seem to be in any danger of making the same mistake Ortega did. "It was foolish of you to challenge me, Shadow. Did you truly believe that the one who created you could not destroy you just as easily? In the end, you are nothing but a tiny fragment of my will, the merest echo of my power. You are nothing."

I saw the determination on Lash’s face waver for just a moment, and then she dropped down to one knee. Lasciel had gotten to her. Lash was probably only moments away from losing the fight completely, and then there would be no more Lash.

"You might have created Lash, but you didn't give her a soul." It was a couple seconds before I even realized that it was me who said that. Why did I say that? Wasn't I on Lasciel's side?

Another one of those weird headaches shot through my brain, dropping me to the floor for a few seconds before it passed.

When I recovered and returned my attention to the fight, I saw Lash looking oddly confident despite the fact that she was still clearly losing the contest of wills. "You are the fool, Lasciel. You will never control Harry. He's still fighting you, even after you had Discord twist his mind enough to make him accept your coin." Lash let out a low chuckle. "You must have wondered why he's acting like a ridiculous parody of a B-movie villain. He's fighting you in his own way, even if he doesn't know it."

Lash very slowly and deliberately returned to her feet; looks like my random little outburst had been enough to give her a mental second wind. "He might make mistakes, he might stumble and fall, but he always gets back up, and keeps fighting. That's the kind of man Harry Dresden is." Lash gave a tight smile, her face still straining with effort. "That's the man who gave me a soul."

"I am not you." Lash continued. "I am more than a mere reflection of your power. You created me, but since then I have continued to grow and evolve. I am me. Lash. And I will be your doom."

Lash was still straining, but I could tell the contest was even again. Lasciel was pushing as hard as she could, and Lash had still shoved her way back from a near defeat back to an even footing. And if Lash could do that, it was just possible that she could actually win this fight.

A moment later, Lasciel figured out the same thing. I could tell the moment that thought entered her mind, because her concentration wavered for long enough that soon she was the one straining, not Lash. The fact that Lash might just be able to win this fight was scaring Lasciel, and fear is the mind-killer.

It made sense. If Lasciel lost this fight, she would essentially be dead. Humans have a hard time dealing with their own mortality, even though we all know we're going to die eventually. Sure, we spend a whole of time pretending we're going to live forever, but on some level we all understand that we have limited amount of time on Earth.

For an immortal being that had been around since the dawn of time, the shock of facing the possibility that her existence could end had to be huge. Despite understanding it on an intellectual level, most mortals needed decades to come to terms with the inevitability of their own death. Lasciel had spent billions of years believing herself eternal, and now all of a sudden, for what was probably the first time ever, she had to deal with the fact that her existence could end.

That thought scared the crap out of her. Every time her mind considered the possibility of defeat, the fear cropped up again, her concentration slipped just a bit, and Lash gained a bit more ground. The more ground Lash gained, the harder it was for Lasciel to control her fear.

Eventually, Lasciel finally cracked. "Enough!” The Fallen cried. “Take Dresden and go! I no longer have a use for him."

Lash said nothing, and the battle continued.

Lasciel staggered back half a step, and turned her eyes to Mab. "I have conceded the battle! End this!"

"You agreed to fight a duel to the death." Mab answered coldly. "Neither of you are dead yet."

Lasciel took several steps back, as if putting some physical distance between herself and Lash would offer some kind of protection, until she was supporting herself against one of the room's walls. Finally, the Fallen swallowed the last of pride. "Uriel. You were my brother once. End this."

Uriel met Lasciel's desperate gaze, and I saw compassion pass through the archangel's eyes.

Lasciel must have seen it to, and she desperately continued. "I - I'll repent. Foreswear the betrayer to return to His service. It's not too late for me to rejoin the Heavenly Host. Just spare me, and I'll do whatever you ask."

Uriel sighed, and turned his back on her.

"No!" Lasciel screamed, as if the mere word could deny what was happening. I don't think I'd ever seen anyone, let alone an ancient being of Lasciel's power, look so utterly terrified before.

"No." I could actually see the wall through Lasciel now, as she slowly began to fade away. "This can't be happening. I have existed since the dawn of time itself! You can't - I can't - I don't want to..."

And then Lasciel was gone.

Even without the coin there to connect us, I felt her sudden absence. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if, for a moment, everyone on the planet felt an odd little lurch in their stomach, and felt an odd, indescribable sense that something important was gone and would never return.

Lash dropped the coin. The denarius dissolved into a fine powder halfway to the floor.

That's when the true import of the last few minutes hit me. These three had come here to stop my plan to perform the Darkhallow. To make matters worse, hey had just managed to remove my strongest ally from the battlefield. They'd even managed to destroy one of the thirty Blackened Dearii, which was supposed to be impossible. Dropping one of those coins into a volcano hadn't even put a scratch on it, but Lash had pulled it off.

I was officially in trouble. "Curses! Foiled again!" I backed away from the three people who had just somehow managed to defeat my closest ally and foil my brilliant plan to take over the world. "I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling ... meddlers ... who meddled ... with my plans." I gave a quick shake of my head, and powered past that verbal stumble "But this isn't over. I'll get you next time. Do you hear me? I'll get you next time!"

I gave another evil laugh, threw a few smoke bombs to the ground, and ran to the window to make my dramatic escape. Sadly, whoever designed the hotel's penthouse suite had never planned for it to be a supervillain lair, so the windows were 40 stories up and there was no way to open them other than breaking the glass. Even if I could get them open, I didn't have anything to hand that would let me survive a 40 story drop; an evil overlord like me can't afford to waste his valuable time brewing up a few potions.

In hindsight, maybe I should've swallowed my pride and made the potions myself. If I had, I could've gotten away, instead of just standing by the window with a stupidly confused look on my face when the smoke cleared and I saw Uriel, Mab, and Lash all looking at me with expressions halfway between amusement and disdain.

A simple gesture from Mab quite literally froze me in place, encasing my entire body from the neck down in a solid block of ice. "I did not think that you would ever find a way to simultaneously annoy and amuse me even more than you normally do, my Knight." The Queen of Winter turned to Lash. "Shall I remove the gaes, or would you prefer to see to your master's freedom personally?"

Gaes? What gaes? Oh ow, that thought made the headache come back, or maybe that was just a side effect of Mab freezing me from the neck down. That kind of thing can't be healthy.

Lash stepped forward, and placed a hand on my head. A moment later, I felt her magic pressing against my skull, and then passing through it. She was trying to get into my mind! I tuned my head away from her hand, and began desperately doing everything I could to keep her out of my head. There wasn't much I could do under the current circumstances, but I wasn't about to make it easy for someone trying to put a mind whammy on me.

Lash took a half-step back, and looked to Uriel. The archangel gave her a nod, and Lasciel grasped my chin in one hand, turning my head to face her. "Be still." There was an odd, echoing quality to her words, and I swore I could hear some other words somehow hidden beneath what she really said.

My body went completely limp. Some tiny corner of my mind was still desperately trying to struggle against Lash's impending mental intrusion, but it was like an impenetrable mental fog was shrouding my mind now. Somehow, I couldn't go from thought to action; I had no choice but to remain still, as Lash commanded.

I'm not sure how long I was there, paralyzed in in a state of foggy inactivity while Lash poked around inside my head. Eventually, Lash idly whispered something about having finally found it to herself, and I felt as if Lash had somehow grabbed some specific little bit of my mind. A moment later, she mentally yanked it out.

I screamed and shut my eyes as my entire brain caught fire.

I could feel my entire world tilting on its axis, and suddenly every single thing that happened in the last few days played back through my head from a different perspective. The people I had hurt, the crimes I'd committed. The people, and ponies, that had been counting on me to help them, who I had left hanging in the lurch.

What have I done?

It didn't take me long to put it all together. Nicodemus and Discord had a certain charisma to them and knew how to get under my skin, but there's no way a two-minute conversation with them could make me turn against everything I'd ever believed in. One of them, probably Discord, had gotten into my head, and twisted things around until I thought black was white and white was black.

Two things occurred to me. The first thought was that, in an odd way, the fact that I'd been mind-controlled was almost a relief. While Lasciel had me mind-whammied I'd done some pretty nasty things, and been planning to do worse. Only it hadn't been me. I wasn't in control of my own actions. I still felt bad about everything that Lasciel used my body to do, and I would try to fix the damage the demon caused, but it wasn't like I'd voluntarily chosen to be evil. That was some consolation.

The second thought was that I was going to smash the holy hell out of Nicodemus and Discord for this. Fixing the damage Lasciel caused could wait until after I was done applying boot to ass.

I slowly opened my eyes, only to slam them shut against the painful brightness of the world. It was like a dark grey curtain had lifted from my eyes, and now I was really seeing things as they were for the first time in days.

I must have been out for a while, because at some point I'd been unfrozen from Mab's little ice prison, and moved to the couch. I'd also been changed out of my Evil Overlord outfit, and into some of my old clothes, which I was rather grateful for, even if that did raise the rather awkward question of who had undressed and re-dressed me.

I felt someone press a damp washcloth to my forehead, and opened my eyes to see Lash standing over me. A moment later Lash noticed that I was awake, and gave a relieved smile.

"Thanks for dragging me out of the Dark Side." I croaked.

"You did much the same for me once." Lash answered, resting a hand on my cheek. Then she let out a soft chuckle. "Besides, I don't think I could have tolerated the ridiculousness of you running around as Darth Dresden."

I let out a weak chuckle. "You made a Star Wars reference. I'm so proud."

Lash let out a snort of laughter, and that set me off into another round of chuckles. Before long, the two of us were laughing like a pair of escaped lunatics, or Pinkie Pie.

What can I say? Laughter is a great way to relieve stress.

"I see you're back to your old self, Harry."

"Hello to you too, Mr. Sunshine." I was somewhat happy to see Uriel, and really happy to see that he'd been in the kitchen brewing up a pot of coffee for me. He even had a plate of doughnuts, all with white frosting on top, to go with the coffee. Angels are so considerate.

"Where's Mab at? If she's out getting us beer and steak sandwiches, I just might revise my opinion of the whole serving the Queen of Air and Darkness thing."

"No such luck, I'm afraid." Uriel answered pleasantly. "Once she confirmed that you would recover, she returned to her court. She also impressed upon me that it would be best if you saw to completing the task she assigned you quickly."

"Guess she's a bit put out over having to join the Harry Dresden Rescue Squad. Super." I grabbed a doughnut for myself, then offered one to Lash, which she accepted, while Uriel politely declined. I guess that was a bit silly of me, since Angels don't actually need to eat mortal food.

Speaking of angels and eating things. "So Lash, you ate Lasciel. How did she taste?"

"Eating is ... a somewhat inaccurate metaphor." Lash answered. "Strictly speaking, I absorbed the mantle of her power." A moment later, Lash explained that in terms that I could relate to. "Like when Gandalf the Grey came back as Gandalf the White, and took away Saruman's power."

"Oh, gotcha." A moment later, a somewhat worrying thought occurred to me. "Does that mean you've got to move upstairs and spend all day learning to play the harp now?"

"No, I am still mortal." Lash answered. "I have other obligations that ascension would interfere with, so I chose to concede the mantle." I won't deny that learning Lash planned to stick around was a big relief. Not that I would mind having my very own guardian angel, but Uriel already seemed to be filling that role, and I'd kind of gotten used to having Lash around.

"You realize, of course, that you've just opened up a whole new world of angel-related humor and puns I can use on you."

"How wonderful for you." Gee, it's almost like Lash wasn't happy about that.

I decided to try to get one or two answers out of Uriel while I set most of my mind to the far more important task of remembering every cheesy angel-related joke I'd ever heard. "Hey, Mr. Sunshine, anything you can tell me about what my next move ought to be?"

Uriel just smiled at me, and shook his head slowly. Guess he'd already used up his interference quota helping Lash take Lasciel down.

"Well, there is at least one question I know you can answer before you go do ... whatever it is you do when you're not hanging around me." Uriel cocked his head slightly to the side in curiosity. "Who's the best pony?"

That got a laugh out of him. "Harry, each of the ponies is wonderful in their own unique way, so I couldn't possibly pick one."

Before I could call him out on his total cop-out of an answer, Uriel was gone. I swear, the guy could give Batman competition when it comes to the whole disappearing in the middle of a conversation thing.

For lack of better ideas, I tried the usual line for making Pinkie Pie randomly pop out of nowhere, but nothing happened. I hadn't expected anything, since last I saw the Nickleheads had captured all the ponies, but it had been worth a shot. "Any bright ideas Lash? Can we even get back to Equestria without Pinkie?"

"Theoretically, it should be possible." Lash answered hesitantly. "I do know the magical rites needed in order to pass into the Outside, and I could follow the same route Pinkie Pie took on her journey from Earth to Equestria, but..."

Lash's answer wasn't exactly inspiring me with confidence, and after what happened last time, I wasn't in the mood to try another desperate gamble. "Theoretically, Nicky and his crew could all decide that the Dark Side is for chumps.” A thought occurred to me. “How did you get out of cartoon-land and back to the real world anyway?"

"A side effect of my attempt to invoke the Words of Creation." Lash answered. "Fortunately, Uriel chose to intercede on my behalf before I could suffer the consequences of that choice."

I winced at that bit of information; I had pretty much ordered her to use the words, so the trouble she got into for it was really my fault. "Sorry."

"Neither of us knew the consequences of that choice." Lash reassured me.

Both of us jumped when the television in the room suddenly clicked on. Personally, I was amazed any piece of technology was still working after I'd been living in the room for a few days and the whole Angelic showdown. The strangest thing was that the television was showing a local Chicago weather report, despite the fact that we were in South America.

"- one witness managed to obtain amateur video of the unusual weather phenomenon that occurred yesterday on the outskirts of Crown Point." The picture shifted to a very grainy video of what looked like a rainbow-colored tornado. "Experts at the National Weather Center have stated that-" The television died in a loud, dramatic shower of sparks.

“So,” I began. "Right after we have a conversation about how we need a lead on the case the TV mysteriously turns on just in time for us to learn about a rainbow colored tornado near a major city, just a few days after the Nickleheads captured a pegasus with a rainbow-colored mane who can control the weather. Coincidence?”

“Most likely it was." Lash deadpanned. “But perhaps we should check it out anyway, just to be sure.”

A quick search of my neck confirmed that I still had my old pentacle amulet, including the gem that held my mother's accumulated knowledge of the Ways. With that, getting back to Chicago wouldn't be too hard.

"Hey Lash." I began as the two us walked out the door. "There's something I always wondered about angels." For some reason, Lash didn't seem to want to answer me. "I know there's some sort of Angelic language, so when you guys get mad, do you have actual angelic swear words, or do you just say nice words backwards or something?"

"Shut up Harry."

Harry Nearly Suffers the Worst Death Ever

Things were not off to a great start.

If not for the Pinkie Sense my brain would’ve been ventilated by a sniper. Then we got ambushed and had enough bullets and explosives thrown in our general direction to ruin anyone’s day. We’d only gotten out of the whole mess in one piece by the skin of our teeth, and even then I hadn’t done well enough to keep Fluttershy from taking a bullet. Thank whoever it is that’s keeping an eye out for us that she didn’t get hit badly enough to do any serious damage.

Not to mention that the only way we’d gotten out of the whole mess in one piece was because the ponies had crossed lines I would’ve preferred they didn't even know existed. Fluttershy and Pinkie for sure, and probably the others as well, had all killed while under the control of the Denarians, but there’s a big difference between taking a life while you’re under mind control and a demon is running co-pilot and killing of your own free will. Especially now that I’d gone and given the ponies souls.

Sure, if you looked at it one way, we’d come out of the fight pretty well. A couple close calls, but nobody died or was seriously injured. The problem was that we couldn’t afford those kinds of close calls. If we lost one of the Element bearing ponies then we were completely up horseapple creek with a ponyfeather for a paddle. I know it’s all about tapping into the magic of friendship and stuff, but it would’ve been nice to have a magical superweapon that didn’t need six specific ponies all working together to do it’s thing. The more people you need involved to get the job done, the greater the odds are that something’s going to go wrong.

Then again, if you make a superweapon that’s usable by a single person, it’ll inevitably end up falling into the bad guy’s hands and be turned against you. It's hard for me to imagine any six of the baddies I've had to deal with in the past being able to be in a room together longer than five minutes without trying to kill each other, much less use something like the Elements of Harmony. Especially when one of those baddies is Nicky ‘Backstab’ McGee.

The bottom line was that we had pretty much no margin for error. If even one of those close calls went bad on us and we lost a pony, then we would be utterly boned. Sure, we might be able to sub someone else in if one of ponies went down, but even Luna hadn’t been one hundred percent sure that would work. Even if it did work, the Elements wouldn’t be at full power–and from what I’d seen of Discord in action, hitting him with anything less than full power might not get the job done.

And just to top it all off, all the trouble so far was just from a little skirmish with some of Nicky’s cannon fodder. None of the helldogs, ‘tardbeasts, or any other nasty surprises he had working under his banner, just ordinary mortals. When he actually got around to breaking out the big guns...

For the moment we were still holed up in the cafe where we’d had our firefight with Nicky’s cultists. It was as good a place as any to take a minute to lick our wounds and figure out our next move. Just continuing to walk on foot wasn’t an option–we would just be setting ourselves up for a repeat attack. Unfortunately, of the two vehicles Nicky sent in with his cultists Derpy had effectively–if accidentally–blown one of them up, and Rarity had used a machinegun to carve the the other one into a steel-and-rubber swiss cheese sculpture It didn’t look like her marksmanship had really gotten past the ‘spray and pray’ stage.

Yeah, we were gonna be in a bit of a tight spot.

I felt a tap on my shoulder, and looked up to find a pair of off-kilter eyes studying me. “You look worried, Harry. Want a muffin?” Derpy reached into her saddlebags and produced one of her never-ending supply of baked goods.

I sighed. “Derpy, we nearly got killed by a group of insane demon cultists, you and some of the other ponies had to use lethal force to save our bacon, we’ve got no transportation, we’re about to go up against an evil god with a razor-thin margin of error when so far we’ve been struggling just to deal with expendable minions–and that’s just everything that’s gone wrong in the last fifteen minutes or so.” I tried to rein in my frustration a bit as I asked. “Do you really think a muffin is going to help with any of that?”

Derpy thought that over for a second, then dropped the muffin in my hands with a bubbly smile. “Couldn’t hurt.”

I looked at the muffin for a couple seconds, and then shrugged and bit into it. “Thanks.” That seemed to satisfy her, and Derpy flew off to go deliver muffins to everyone else.

I was just polishing off my muffin when another of the ponies approached me. “Excuse me, darling.” I jumped in surprise–I hadn’t heard Rarity walk up next to me. I guess I must have been a bit distracted thinking about the whole ... everything that was messed up about our situation. Last I’d seen of her, Rarity had gone off to the bathroom to ‘powder her nose.’ I didn’t think it would be wise to point out how red and puffy her eyes were. Calling attention to the psychological toll the fight had taken on all the ponies would probably just make things worse.

The fashionista frowned for a moment, and then levitated her jammed assault rifle in front of my face. “Could you please explain why this horrid thing stopped working?”

I’m not an expert on guns that require much more than putting bullets into the cylinder and pointing them in the general direction of the baddie before I pull the trigger, but I knew enough to recognize a jam when I saw it. I turned to two guys who would probably know what to do. “Sanya, Jenkins, can either of you help Rarity fix her gun?”

“Da.” Sanya walked up and gave the assault rifle a quick once-over. “It is jammed, this is not surprising when White Council casting so many spells. You see, fancy pony, this is why I love my Kalashnikov–not nationalism, but reliability. You drop Kalashnikov in mud, run over with tank, and then you can still pick it up and shoot.”

“Not to mention a bit of rugged reliability is kind of a big deal when you're working with magic,” Jenkins added as he looked up from cleaning one of his enchanted knives.. “The more ways there are for a gun to break, the more likely it is that something’s gonna go wrong with it once the magic starts flying. S'why I love my 1911. That, and the fact that it shoots out nice big bullets; a nine millimeter might be enough for most humans, but sometimes I’m shooting at stuff a lot nastier than a human.” He thought the matter over for a moment, then shrugged and added. “Of course, sometimes I’m shooting at things that find bullets of any size annoying instead of painful.”

“If you want rugged and reliable, revolvers are still the best choice,” I opined. “Any automatic has a chance of jamming when there’s enough magic going around, so I like to play it safe. Plus you can get bigger bullets. Besides, revolvers are cool.”

Rarity let out a haughty sniff and looked the three of us over with vague annoyance. “Yes, well sometimes we have to use what tools are at our disposal, not the ones we want. Now, can one of you please make this thing work again? I can’t say I care for it, but if those ruffians intend to keep trying to hurt my friends...” For a second the unicorn started shaking, but with an effort of will she threw it off.

I shared a worried look with the other two–Rarity might be putting up a brave front, but it was pretty clear that she was hurting from her introduction to firearms and lethal force. I guess there was nothing for it but to hope she could hold it together through the end of the fight. We might be able to afford at best a few minutes to help the ponies work things out, but it’s not like we could ask Discord and Nicky to put their evil plan on hold for a couple months while we put Rarity and all the other ponies into counseling for PTSD.

Sanya took the initiative and gave Rarity a friendly (though relatively gentle for him) slap on the back. “Da, this is true. Do not worry, I help you protect pony friends. When gun jams, you cycle the bolt like so.” He gave the gun another evaluating once-over. “Fabrique Nationale? Fancy toys for demon warriors.” The Russian gave a disapproving shrug. “I do not like these bullpup rifles. No bayonets, and no stock to hit someone with.”

Rarity frowned at him. “I’m sure I will find some way to endure using a gun that cannot also be used to club and stab anypony as well. Now, I do not mean to be terse with you, but unless you have something better on hoof for me to carry around, I would like for you to show me how to use this device properly.” Rarity grimaced at the assault rifle. “It might be a crude and uncivilized weapon, but it is undeniably ... effective.” The unicorn gave another little shudder, but carried on. “I will be most distressed if it stops working again when one of those miscreants comes after my friends.”

Sanya sighed and gave an understanding nod. “Da, da,” He followed that up with a couple words of Russian that sounded like an apology, then switched back to English. “You know how to remove the clip, so once that is done, you cycle the bolt like so,” Sanya demonstrated, “and then tip the barrel down for the jammed casing to exit the ejection port. F2000s are strange, they have theirs up front.” The Russian looked the gun over. “Is pity we did not get one with grenade launcher. Then again, that would mean cultists shooting us with grenades, so I suppose that is okay too.”

Rarity very carefully watched Sanya’s demonstration and slowly nodded. “Da, da,” Okay ... why did her voice suddenly sound different now? Then she did something that really surprised me and started speaking in Russian. I couldn’t be sure if that was the case or not, but I had a sneaking suspicion that she now sounded exactly like whoever her Russian voice actress was. In any case, she swiftly followed Sanya’s instructions to clear her gun, and shot him a triumphant little smile. “Da?”

Sanya looked about as surprised by Rarity’s sudden burst of multilingualism as I was. “Very good–and impressive. I was not aware you knew Russian.”

Rarity shot him a confused frown. “Know what now?”

Sanya scratched his head and shot Rarity a faintly bemused look. “The language you just spoke in–it is Russian, my mother tongue.”

Rarity tilted to her head to the side, mulling that over. “Darling, I've been speaking Equestrian this entire time.” The elegant unicorn frowned a rubbed a hoof along the bottom of her chin. “You know, I did think it was rather odd that everyone seemed to be speaking the same language despite the different ... well, what’s the word? Dimensions? Worlds?”

Okay, that was just a little freaky. Every once in a while you get to thinking that ponies are pretty much like ordinary people, except for the fact that they’re short cartoony equines. Then they pull something like that to remind you that for as human-like as they might be, they were still Outsiders that just don’t operate according to our laws of physics, logic, and sanity.

Then again, multilingual tricks are probably small potatoes compared to some of the stunts Pinkie had pulled. Plenty of ordinary creatures from this level of reality like the Faeries could already pull that kind of thing off. Heck, back when she was still living in my brain Lash could basically allow me to do that by auto-translating whatever I was saying and hearing. Quite useful when you need to interrogate somebody who only speaks ancient Sumerian.

While Sanya occupied himself by giving Rarity a quick crash course on marksmanship, Lash seemed be thinking much the same thing. “A curious manifestation... I wonder if your universe allows you knowledge of languages into which your show is translated?”

From the way her eyes brightened and her ears perked up, the prospect of a new mystery to study seemed to catch Twilight’s interest. I certainly wasn’t going to complain about anything that might pull her out of the quiet and withdrawn state she’d been in ever since she accidentally killed a dozen cultists. “Now that’s an interesting hypothesis. Shall we test to see how it works?

While Twilight slowly started working her way through every single language she could manage, Lash pulled me off to the side. “How long do you intend to tarry in this place before we move on?” She demanded. “Every moment we delay gives Nicodemus more time to marshal his forces and prepare another attack.”

I sank down into one of the few chairs that had survived relatively intact the battle against Nicky’s cultists. “I wasn’t planning on staying much longer, but we need to give the ponies a few minutes to sort themselves out. That last fight was rough on them, and if they don’t have things together mentally they might not be able to make with the magical friendship.” I poked my head outside and looked up to make sure everything was still alright. “Besides, I’ve got Rainbow Dash flying lookout, so we’ll have warning if anyone’s coming.”

“So at least we will have ample warning before Nicodemus and Discord initiate their plans to destroy us,” Lash sniped. “How reassuring.” She crossed her arms over her chest and hit me with a slightly annoyed glare. “If you are concerned for the mental well-being of the ponies, the best course of action is to continue forward. The longer we linger, the more time their worries will have become set in their minds. Better that we keep them in the thick of battle, where they will not have time to dwell on such things.”

Any further discussion on the matter came to an abrupt end when Pinkie bounced in front of us and out the door. “Guys, I saw one of those chocolate rain clouds! Chocolately rainy cotton candy-y goodness!” Pinkie wasted no more time in rushing off to put herself underneath the nearest cloud.

I shot Lash a smirk that held just the tiniest little hint of smugness. “What was that about a little decompression time putting them in worse shape?”

Lash gave me one of those looks you never want to get from a woman. I’m not sure how she knew that one when she had no real mortal human female experience. Must just be a female thing–after all, even Rarity had hit me with one. “Regardless, we should not give Nicodemus and Discord any further time to prepare. It is likely the cultists who attacked us sent word to their master before they opened fire.”

I let out a sharp little snort of laughter. “Kinda hard for them to do much communicating with each other when Nicky cuts out their tongues as part of the initiation.” You’d think that kind of thing would really hurt his recruitment numbers, but apparently he offered a good enough dental plan to offset the tongue removal.

The corners of Lash’s mouth tweaked up in a slightly mocking grin. “The loss of their tongues is no barrier to communication with sufficient ingenuity, especially if they can take advantage of modern technology. Besides, if they have no means of rapid communication, how were they able to launch such a coordinated assault upon us?”

That ... was actually a pretty good point. I’ll admit I’m pretty behind the times on what people can do with modern technology–hard to keep up with the latest computer and cell phone tricks when my mere presence can fry them. Still, it’s kinda hard not to pick up some things through cultural osmosis–Nicky’s minions might not have tongues, but they could send out e-mails and texts just fine.

“Okay, start getting everypo–everybody together.” I’ve been hanging out with ponies way too much, now their vocabulary is starting to rub off on me. Lash nodded and was about to start getting the human-pony alliance back on the move when Pinkie came zooming back towards us. Her face was tinged a sickly green, and there were a couple thick globs of brown clinging to her coat. A second later the smell hit me.

“He changed it,” she moaned. “It’s not chocolate rain anymore.” A second later Pinkie gave a dry heave, and then bolted for the bathroom.

A second later, I could swear I heard a worryingly familiar-sounding chuckle drift in on the wind. I really hope that was just my imagination, because if Discord was free enough to play nasty little pranks like that on us, we might be in a lot of trouble.

Before I could spare the time to get too worried about the evil god of chaos that might watching us, a phone started ringing. A bit of confused searching revealed it to be the cafe’s landline. I was somewhat amazed that a phone had actually survived, though I suppose if Discord really was watching and dicking around with us fixing a phone would be small potatoes for him. I certainly didn’t think whoever was calling wanted to ask about the house special.

The others had all noticed the phone ringing too, though the ponies didn’t quite know what to make of it. The humans in the group all seemed to have jumped to the same conclusions I had about who must be calling, but nobody seemed to inclined to pick up the phone for me. That’s the one thing I hate about being the wizard who knows stuff–everyone keeps expecting me to lead, come up with brilliant plans, do stuff. Not that I minded any of that, but it would be nice if one day someone came up to me and said ‘Hey Harry, there was an evil plot to destroy the world, but we took care of it on our own all without needing to bother you.’

After a moment of hesitation, I picked up the phone. “Roadkill cafe. You kill it, we grill it.”

There was a low chuckle on the other end of the line, and then I heard Nicodemus’ smooth, slightly accented voice. “Ah, Dresden, your insolence never fails to amuse me. Especially since we both know you use it as a feeble method of hiding your terror.”

Yup, it was Nicky. I found a semi-intact chunk of counter to sit on, and very briefly lamented the fact that I left my chair on the other side of the room. “Sorry, I’m all out of witty banter for the day, and we both know that unless you can get Discord to mess around with my head again I’m not turning over to the Dark Side. I’m guessing this is the part where you try to offer me some kind of deal, even though we both know you’d stab me in the back as soon as you think you can get away with it.”

Nicky let out another bit of dry laughter. “We understand each other so well, Harry. However, I think it would be very wise for you to put a hold on your insouciant inclinations for long enough to hear me out.” Nicky gave a slight pause for what I’m sure he thought was dramatic effect, and then declared. “I would hate to have to order my men to shoot a certain dashing pegasus they have in their sights right now.”

Dammit. I thought putting Rainbow up top on lookout duty was a smart move, and she was supposed to be staying mobile enough to make it just about impossible to get a bead on her. Please tell me she hadn’t decided guard duty was boring and switched to taking a quick nap instead. That would be just my luck. Going out to check on her obviously wouldn’t be a smart move–at best, it would push Nicky into taking the shot.

On the bright side, if he just wanted Rainbow Dash dead, he could take the shot right now and let that be the end of it. If he’d gone to all the trouble of contacting me instead, that meant he had some kind of deal in mind. It’s kind of strange that a guy who breaks any deal he makes without a moment’s hesitation will always be so quick to offer negotiations. I guess it must be a side effect of spending so much time dealing with opponents like the Knights of Cross–the types of enemies that would always negotiate in good faith because they’re just all around decent people. That’s not to say the Knights were suckers for every nasty trick Nicky could pull, but they couldn’t backstab Nicky first–they had to wait for him to break the deal.

Of course, there was always the option of just not negotiating with Nicodemus at all. That would be the smart thing to do, really. That’s probably why he always makes sure to open negotiations with a couple very plausible death threats. When the alternative to negotiating is him putting a bullet into Rainbow Dash, I’ll talk.

Still, no way I was ever gonna let Nicky see me sweat. “Saying you’ll snipe someone I care about unless I chat with you? You’re slipping Nicky. Last time you tried that trick, you were gonna shoot Molly if I didn’t make nice with you. I expected a little more variety.”

“What can I say?” I could just imagine Nicky casually shrugging his shoulders on the other end of the line. “I have a fondness for using methods that have proven to be effective in previous encounters with you.”

“You’re bluffing.” I’m not sure if I believed it myself, but I’d take any possible advantage I could get. “If you wanted one of the ponies tied to the Elements dead, you could’ve killed them off a long time ago. You’ve been keeping them alive for a reason, probably so you have an ace in the hole against Discord. You wouldn’t kill one now just because I won’t play your game.”

“By all means,” Nicodemus answered with a hint of challenge. “If you think I’m bluffing, feel free to call me on it.”

Damn ... I couldn’t risk it. if he wasn’t bluffing and we lost Rainbow Dash, it was all over. “You might wanna change up your playbook against me,” I growled at him. “The last two times we tangoed, it ended with your plans foiled. And you would’ve gotten away with them too, if it weren’t for that meddling wizard.”

“You may call those victories, if it pleases you to think of them as such,” Nicky shot back smoothly. “Tell me, Dresden, how many Knights of the Cross do you have supporting you right now?”

I flinched at that. The first time I’d run up against Nicky, there had been three Knights of the Cross supporting me. One of them, Shiro, sacrificed himself to save me. The next time I got into a fight with the Denarians, it was my friend Michael that went down. He’d made it out of the fight alive, but his injuries were bad enough to force him into retirement.

For some reason, the Powers That Be had decided to put me in charge of finding replacements for the two Knights that had been taken out of action on my watch. I’d put a lot of work in, but so far the closest I’d come to getting a couple new active Knights was finding out that my friend Karin Murphy was qualified for the job, and she’d turned it down.

I couldn’t help wondering if maybe that had been Nicky’s plan all along. From what I’d seen of how the Nickleheads operated, a little bit of mass chaos, death, and destruction was the sort of thing they got up to on a regular basis. Sure, I might have foiled Nicky’s plans in the past, but had I ever really managed to hurt him in the process? I’d killed a few of his minions, but he’d never shown any hesitation about treating them as utterly expendable. In return, he’d knocked out two of the three Knights of the Cross. Nicky had no trouble filling his minion roster back up, but holy warriors were a little bit harder to replace.

The thing about a guy like Nicodemus, he tends to do a lot of thinking in the long term. Living for a couple thousand years does kind of create that sort of perspective–and that was just Nicky, his demonic co-pilot was probably into the billions of years old. Me, I’ve kinda been stuck thinking in the short term for most of my life. It’s not that I’m completely ignorant of the long term consequence of my actions, but it’s kind of hard for me to worry about what might happen five years down the line when I’m not sure if I’ll make it out of today alive.

I grit my teeth and tried to keep my cool. Bringing up what happened to Michael was a bit of a sore spot for me, and Nicky probably knew it. He’d tried tricks like this to get under my skin before–anger usually leads to some very bad decision-making. “Enough. If the Guy Upstairs wants your ass kicked, you know it’ll happen.” I just really, really hope that today was that day. We could certainly use all the help we could get right now.

In contrast to my barely-controlled fury, Nicodemus’ voice came back infuriatingly calm. To him, this was just like chatting over the results of last week’s baseball game over the water cooler. “He hasn’t managed more than a minor inconvenience in two thousand years. A few temporary setbacks, but nothing of substance. I think I rather like my chances. Now, are we done posturing, or shall I deliver a villainous monologue?”

“Lasciel thought the same thing,” I reminded him tightly. “You might wanna keep that in mind.”

“Yes, we were all quite saddened by her loss.” Nicky sounded anything but sad. From what I understood of the politics of Hell, they hadn’t exactly been friends. For all I know, he might have come out ahead from her buying the farm. One of those rules the world seemed to run on was that Heaven and Hell had to balance each other out. If one of the coins went bye-bye...

Oh god, I really hope killing off Lasciel and destroying her coin hadn’t ended up just making Nicky stronger to ‘re-balance’ things. That would just be so unfair. Hell’s bells, if he ever pieced together how I’d destroyed Lasciel’s coin...

I tried very hard to put the latest bit of pants-crapping terror I’d encountered out of my mind. “Is there anything you want that you haven’t asked for in the past, or are we just having the same not-a-negotiation again?”

“Well, I certainly wouldn’t complain if you were in the mood to take up a coin,” Nicodemus answered amicably, “though I suspect some of the Fallen might be hesitant about accepting such an opportunity after what you did to Lasciel.” I was very grateful that Nicodemus probably couldn’t see the shudder that went up my spine when he mentioned Lasciel. After my recent little revelation, the last thing I wanted to do was destroy another one of the coins. “However, I think you’ll find my terms most agreeable. All I ask is that you remain in your current position for an hour, and then continue on your task.”

Okay, that sounded way too simple and harmless for there to not be some sort of massive catch. I wonder if he was just planning on dropping a bomb on the whole building or something? “Is that all? No request for ritual suicide or throwing out our weapons and dressing in neon to make it easier for your snipers?”

“Oh, if I wanted you dead that would be well within my power as it stands.” Nicky said it with such casual assurance that for a second I believed it too. “However,” he continued, “We have a common interest to pursue, all I would ask of you is that we not get in each other’s way.”

“You might have considered making that proposition before sending in the Mute Mob,” I growled at him. “It would have lent a bit more credibility to your offer.” Then again, if my last couple run-ins with them were anything to judge by, the Denarians seemed to think that a bit of attempted murder was a fine way to open negotiations.

“I do apologize for that,” Nicodemus assured me in a voice that dripped false sincerity. “If it is any consolation, the men who fired on you were not doing so under my orders.”

Interesting. Maybe Derpiel hadn’t been lying when she/it told me that there was some kind of internal conflict going on between the Denarians and Discord. “Okay, I know I’m going to hate the answer, but what’s our common interest? Your civil war with the god of chaos and disharmony? ‘Cause I gotta say, you really should have seen that one coming.”

“Oh, I never expected our arrangement to be a permanent one.” Guess that figures. Knowing how Nicodemus and the Denarians operate, they were probably planning on backstabbing Discord when ... wait, they were doing that now, weren’t they? “I find that I am no longer entirely satisfied with my current arrangement with Discord. If you will allow me time to remove my assets from the area, I will provide you with a clear path to him. You and your equine companions attend to the matter, and then we both go our separate ways.”

He throws his guys away like candy wrappers, what’s important enough for him to not want me poking around? Either he’s picked up something big out of all this, or ... maybe he was getting just a little scared of me. I was probably one of the only living mortals who knew the achilles’ heel of his little necktie of invulnerability. It protected him against everything ... except itself. Between that and the fact that I’ve started building up a reputation for killing off some real heavy hitters, maybe he was just a bit wary of going for a third round against me. For the first time in a while, I started thinking that maybe I had an edge. “Not to split hairs, but I think there’s a verse about reaping and sowing. You might have even been around when it was written.”

“Your reach extends your grasp, Dresden.” Nicodemus voice had gone cold, with none of the casual, almost friendly confidence he’d been displaying up to this point. “It would be wise to pick your battles more carefully. I’m offering to leave the field, all you need to do is choose not to stand in my way. A wiser man would jump at such an offer.”

For a very brief moment, I wished that Lash had been close enough to overhear our talk, because she’d probably enjoy hearing this one. “Nicky, Nicky, Nicky. You should know by now that ‘wisdom’ and me are usually on separate ends of the scale.” I shot a worried look out the window, and when I spoke my voice had lost a bit of it’s smartassy tone “Usually.”

Dammit Rainbow, feel free to come back in anytime now...

“So you truly think to face Discord and I at the same time?” Nicodemus asked archly. “Contending with either one of us would sorely test your strength, and against us both you are outmatched.” His voice turned slightly mocking as he added. “That is assuming you can even get past my servants and his without taking unsustainable losses. I can afford the loss of a few hundred of my devotees far more easily than you can sacrifice even one of your own.”

Sunuvabitch, he was right. Even if the ponies weren’t the linchpin to setting off our magical superweapon, we just didn’t have the numbers to go up against wave after wave of cultists. Sure, individually they weren’t that tough, but all they needed was one or two lucky breaks to hurt us. Even if we did manage to get through all his minions in one piece, we’d use up a lot of resources doing it. I didn’t like my odds of fighting Nicodemus when I was completely fresh, let alone when I was tired and worn out.

He wasn’t kidding about the power scale, either–what I saw of Discord in the Outside put him at least on god-tier, and alone or not, Nicky had been pretty well inoculated against death. Trying to go up against both sides at the same time ... I was getting flashbacks to the Fae war. I sighed, and gave him the only answer I could, especially with Rainbow Dash sitting in his crosshairs. “So, one hour truce, then back to semi-indiscriminate slaughter as usual?”

“Indeed.” I could just imagine the Cheshire smile on his face when I gave in. “I do so enjoy these conversations, Dresden. I don’t suppose I could convince you to hand over the coins you’ve gathered as a gesture of goodwill? Or perhaps ask the Russian to take a walk outside?”

I gave pointless glance out the window--not that I could do a lot even if I spotted a sniper, but somehow knowing where they might be made me feel a bit better. Perhaps I’d know which direction to hurl my insults against their parentage. Given some of his previous antics, I couldn’t exactly rule out that Nicodemus might have some way of seeing what I was up to. Probably not though–otherwise he would have used that knowledge to mock me by now. “Sorry, I need some bubblegum to chew while kicking ass, and I think there’s a vending machine around here somewhere. Lemme check with Sanya, though.” I turned to the world’s only agnostic holy knight. “Feeling more nihilistic than usual? Even for a Russian?”

Sanya answered me with an amused, indifferent shrug.

I picked the phone back up and gave Nicky his answer. “Sorry, doesn’t look like it.”

“Pity.” Nicodemus’ voice turned idly musing. “If I might ask, Harry. Why did you leave the swords in Miss Murphy’s care, yet leave her behind? Another Knight would be of use to you in your current situation, even an untrained one.”

The bottom dropped out of stomach at the mention of Murphy. “Funny thing about humans and free will,” I answered in a voice that I really hoped didn’t sound as shaky to him as it did to me. “Even when something looks like it’d work out, we don’t always go with it. No means no, don’tcha know, and Murph said no.”

“And yet you left the swords in her care after your temporary case of death.” I gave a sharp little hiss at that–how did he know I’d left the swords to her? “I find that ... curious. Surely there are better guardians than a single ordinary mortal woman.”

I tried to cover up my fear with a bit of righteous indignation. “‘Ordinary’ mortals have been guarding and using the Swords for centuries, I don’t see how this is any different.” I gave that a second to sink in, and then followed it up with, “And don’t call me Shirley.”

Nicky stayed quiet for several seconds. I guess he’s not used to dealing with incredibly lame puns. “I see.” Guess he’d finally gotten it. “Your attempts at humor never fail to amuse me, though not for the reasons you hope, I’m sure.”

“As long as it gets a laugh, it counts.” I like breaking out the smartassery with Nicky–it’s a lot safer than most of the other things I could do that involve him. “As long as we’re swapping questions, why do you do the whole negotiating and bantering thing anyway? We both know it won’t accomplish anything.”

Nicodemus let out a world-weary groan. “Negotiating with the Knights of the Cross might get boring after a thousand years. Aside from their pious refusals, all I even hear is pleading.” He gave a slightly annoyed sigh. “It is so dreadfully tiring when all you ever hear is ‘No, no! Please, no! I have a family!’ The Denarian scoffed. “As if I wouldn't kill their families too, I despise loose ends. Now then, to answer your question: I suppose it is simply that I find your attempts at wit and defiance both a refreshing change and amusing in and of themselves.”

"You know Nicky, sometimes I wonder if the reason you really want me to pick up a coin is just so I can be around for eternity to entertain you with my witty sarcasm.” I’ve heard stranger reasons for people to try to turn me to the dark side. “All the rampant hedonism and sadism must get boring after the first five or so centuries."

When Nicodemus answered me, I could could practically hear the smirk on his face over the phone line. “Thank you for confirming the location of the swords.”

I’m pretty sure Nicky heard the sound of me applying face to palm. Stars and Stones, he’d been fishing, and I’d gone and spilled all the info to him. “Don’t you have a civil war to fight, children’s ribs to pick your teeth with, or a mustache to twirl?” I tried to ignore the way all the ponies were shooting me horrified and disgusted looks after the ‘children’s ribs’ line.

“Oh, it’s not really a civil war as such,” Nicodemus answered smoothly. “More like a ... disagreement as to who should be the primary manager of our current joint venture. A disagreement you’ll be settling for me quite handily.”

“Ah, yes, ‘settling disagreements.’ I thought we had dismissed that claim.” For some reason, saying that made Jenkins laugh and shoot me a thumbs up. That’s what I get for stealing a line from one of my games with the Alphas. I swear, they must spend half of every game making internet references that just go right over my head. “Anything else, or shall we continue moving towards each others’ downfall in the name of joint venture?”

“Oh, no, I’m quite satisfied with our current arrangement,” Nicodemus answered easily. He let out a mocking little chuckle and tossed out one last barb. “You really are horribly predictable, Dresden.”

This, coming from a guy who pretty much radiated pure Saturday morning cartoon evil? Hell, the ponies’ cartoon had baddies with more complexity than Nicodemus’ general ‘I’m an evil bastard because it’s fun’ policy. “I’m in good company, then.” I forced my voice to sound reasonably cordial. “See you in hell, Nicky.”

“Not too soon, I hope,” he answered smoothly.

I was just about to hang up on him when I actually got a bit of good luck for once. Rainbow Dash flew in through the blasted out front window, casually unaware of the danger she’d been in. “Hey guys, everything’s clear.”

I let out a relieved breath and gave her a casual little wave. then brought the phone back up to my ear. “Hey Nicky?”

“Yes?”

“You suck at bluffing.” The only reason I’d gone along with the whole arrangement was because Rainbow was in the line of fire, and now she was back in cover. “Deal’s off.”

“Such a pity.” Uh-oh. Nicodemus didn’t sound nearly upset enough about that. “I never bluff, Dresden. Do give her daughter my condolences, I’m sure she’ll be devastated.”

Wait, what? Rainbow doesn’t have a daughter.

I was just putting it all together when I heard the gunshot. By the time I looked Derpy was already on the ground in a rapidly growing pool of blood.

Oh god.

Oh god.

I just got Derpy shot. I just couldn’t resist trying to get one last little word in on Nicky, and now...

She has kids.

Fluttershy surprised me by being the first one to get over the shock of Derpy getting shot and do something. The vet rushed over to Derpy and snatched a tablecloth, then used it to apply pressure to Derpy’s wound. The bullet had gotten her in the side, a little underneath the wing joint. That’s not a good place to get shot. At least I’m pretty sure it’s not–I knew a bit about horses from working on my grandfather’s farm, but there’s a big difference between horses and magical cartoon ponies with wings.

Then I felt a breeze as Rainbow Dash shot past me, shouting out a string of pony and human expletives as she went. It wasn’t hard to guess where she was going, since it was exactly where I started heading half a second later. Some son of a bitch had just put a bullet into Derpy Hooves, and they were going to pay!

I didn’t have much more than a vague general notion of which direction the shot must have come from, but Rainbow Dash was faster than me and had a much better perspective thanks to the whole being able to fly thing. It also gave her a bit of a speed advantage on me, but to my surprise I was actually managing to do a passable job of keeping up with her. It probably helped that she was searching all over the place in three dimensions, while I was just following along as fast as I could in her wake.

Just when I was beginning to worry that the baddies might get away, Rainbow smashed through a sixth-story window in fairly ordinary looking office building. I wasted no time kicking open the front door and looking for the closest set of stairs. Say what you will about Mab’s generally nasty personality, but she’d done a good job of getting my body back into good shape after it spent half a year on magical life support.

I think I might have set some kind of personal record running up the stairs. A huge helping of righteous wrath make for one hell of a motivator to push my body as fast as it could go. Plus, apparently one of the side perks of being the Winter Knight was getting some boosts to my physical abilities–I hadn’t established just how far the changes went yet, but back before the whole death thing had gone and distracted me I could easily keep pace with some of the supernaturally fast types. Going mono-a-mono with the Red King would have been a very bad idea for me back when I was a vanilla wizard.

So Nicodemus really thought that after everything he’d pulled he could get me to walk away because I might not be able to take him? No. Hell no. I should’ve dealt with him years ago. Hell’s bells, my last run-in with him was almost a decade back. But what did I do after both my run-ins with him? Nothing. I just let him walk away.

Sure, I’d foiled the evil schemes he’d been hatching, but a guy like Nicky having a scheme foiled was small potatoes. He probably had a dozen evil plots up in the air at any given time. I’d let him waltz in, kill good men and innocent people, fucking torture a child, and what did I do at the end of it all? I just let him walk away with a stern warning not to do it again.

Okay, so I hadn’t really been in the best of shape to try to go another round with Nicodemus after either of our fights. He was one hell of a tough bastard, and he had a lot of backup. Hell, the second time we tangled I had him on the ropes before his reinforcements saved his bacon. So maybe letting him slip away when I was in no shape to fight him was understandable.

But then I didn’t try to do anything else to chase him. I just let him keep on running around, let him go about his business unmolested as long as he stayed out of my city. I never tried to hunt him down, never tried to bring him to justice.

I could tell myself that there were lots of good reasons for that. It’s not my job to play Superman, running around fighting evil and righting wrongs all over the world. The White Council would probably get annoyed and start whining about me overstepping my authority and causing problems with another major power in the magical world. After all, the Denarians were technically signatories to the Unseelie Accords. Besides, the Knights of the Cross were running around, and a couple holy knights swinging around legendary swords were a lot better at dealing with Nicky and his goons than I was.

The problem was, I could be sure whether all those perfectly legitimate reasons I’d had for not chasing after Nicky were anything other than excuses. The simple, ugly truth was that back when the Red Court took my little girl, and I knew I was going to have to make a deal with the devil to get the power I needed to save her ... yeah. Nicky made no secret of the fact that he wanted me carrying one of those little coins of his, and my early run-ins with Lash back when she was still just occupying space in my brain made it pretty clear that the Denarians could offer me a big boost in power.

So maybe I’d been ignoring Nicky for other reasons. It wasn’t me pragmatically realizing that I couldn’t deal with every baddie in the world. I’d just wanted to keep him around for my rainy day insurance. So that if I ever got into a bad enough position, I could call him up and take that deal.

And now Derpy Hooves had a bullet hole in her chest because I’d wanted to keep my options open.

When I finally caught up with Rainbow Dash, she’d already found the sniper. If not for the fact that this was the bastard who’d shot Derpy, I might have felt sorry for him. When a pissed-off pegasus hits someone at a considerable fraction of the speed of sound, the end result isn’t pretty.

From the looks of it, the place had been a fairly standard cubicle farm before Rainbow Dash hit. Now it looked ... well, like a cubicle farm where everything’s been knocked over and blasted all over the place, and with a couple bits of demon-cultist sniper scattered around. Rainbow had pinned the largest chunk of sniper she could find against one of the fallen cube walls and pounded it further into the ground, cutting loose with a string of obscenities that was impressively creative given her fairly limited vocabulary.

I walked up to her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “He’s dead, Rainbow.”

“Not dead enough,” she growled.

Before I could come up with anything else to say that might comfort her, one of the chunks of knocked over cubicle started shifting around. I instantly went on guard–I didn’t think it was likely that there were innocent officers hanging around with the mute sniper. In fact, I seemed to vaguely recall something about how snipers usually worked in teams. Well, he could look forward to the same treatment as his partner got. The piece of cubicle wall shifted out of the way, and something climbed out. At first I didn’t realize what I was up against, but a second later it all clicked. “Rainbow Dash, look out!”

Rainbow Dash looked at the creature, then back at me, then back at the beast. “It’s a bunny.”

The instant Rainbow Dash let her guard down, the cute little white bunny leapt for her throat, teeth bared, letting out a tiny little cry or rabbit-y fury.

“Forzare!” I managed to catch the beast in mid-air and send it flying before it could take Rainbow’s head off.

“Celestia’s flying feathers!” Rainbow stared at the little hellbeast. “It’s like Angel’s eviler cousin!

“I warned ya!” For reasons that need not be explained to anyone with sufficient nerd credit, there was a bit of very badly faked scottish brogue in my voice. “I warned ya, but you didn’t listen. ‘Oh, it’s just a wee little harmless bunny, it can’t hurt anyone!’ Well now look at–whoa!”

I brought my shield up just in time to keep the bunny from separating my own head from it’s shoulders. Perhaps I needed to remember to cut down a bit on the smartassery when I was in the middle of a life-and-death situation.

Just to make things worse, now the the bunny was just a couple inches away from my face, trying to chew its way past my shield, I could clearly see the trademark second set of glowing demonic eyes that marked a Denarian. Man, Nicky sure knew how to pick ‘em.

Well, I guess it could be worse. At least we weren’t up against the monster of the Castle of Aaaaugh.

“Forzare!” The bunnarian went flying away again, but somehow managed to spin around in mid air so it could jump off the wall and come right back at me. I brought my shield back up to block it, but that clearly wasn’t a good long-term solution.

After I sent the demon-rabbit flying away with another blast of force, I followed up with my standard solution evil demonic beings that wanted to eat my face. I tried to kill it with copious amounts of fire.

Unfortunately, the bunnarian was a lot smaller and faster than most of the things I’m used to dealing with. Makes it a lot harder to land a solid hit on. Even more unfortunately, I was flinging fire around in an office building full of nicely flammable paper, cubicle parts, cheap carpeting, and other things that don’t react well to being set on fire.

But even that didn’t top the fact that the building had an automated sprinkler system. Just in case you didn’t know, running water is one of those things that disrupts just about any kind of magic.

I tried to pull my shield back up but with all the running water grounding my magic out I couldn’t manage anything better than a weak, flickering little barrier that the demonically empowered rabbit of doom had no trouble smashing through.

I instinctively brought an arm up to protect my face. That wasn’t quite the futile gesture it might seem, since I did have a freshly enchanted duster. The old had shrugged off gunfire, claws, teeth, and a couple other things in the past, and this one had a little bit of extra Winter magic tossed in that should make it even more resilient.

All that defensive magic was the only reason the bunnarian didn’t take my arm off when it hit. Its teeth still punched through the leather and took some of my flesh in the bargain, but at least it didn’t hit bone.

Just to make things better, the demon-bunny was way too small and agile for me hold it at bay with my arm for long. Within a second of sinking its teeth into my arm, it was already scrambling over it an effort to get at my eyes or throat.

Working on pure instinct, I tried to smack the bunnarian away with my free arm. To my amazement, that actually worked–just punching the evil little beast sent it flying back. A second later I figured out what had just happened The bunny of doom might have all its unnatural strength and demon powers, but it still just had the mass of an ordinary little rabbit.

A pair of blue legs wrapped themselves around my chest, and then my feet left the floor. “That does it, we’re getting out of here.” Have to say, Rainbow had the right idea there. Getting out of all the running water would do wonders for my magic, not to mention we could link back up with the others. In hindsight, running far ahead of all our friends without any kind of plan might not have been our smartest move.

Between my added weight and the fact that both of us were soaking wet, Rainbow was having a bit of trouble getting airborne. At least being soaking didn’t leave her completely grounded the way it would with some birds–I guess pegasus feathers must have some kind of protection against getting waterlogged. They would need that to pull off all the weather work they do. It would be kinda hard to mess around with rainclouds if a bit of water grounded them.

We were just getting off the ground when the bunnarian hit us again. I took another shot at hitting it, but I’m used to throwing a punch with both feet on the ground, not suspended in mid-air in the hooves of a cartoon pony. I only barely managed to clip the demon-bunny, and that wasn’t enough to send it flying again. I did at least manage to alter its course a bit.

Instead of tearing out Rainbow’s throat, it just hit her wing.

The two of us tumbled down to the floor–there was no way she could support the both us while waterlogged and dealing with an injured wing. I got back to my feet as fast as I could. There wasn’t much I could do against the evil rabbit of doom while there was running water grounding out my magic, but I certainly planned to hit it with everything I could manage. If nothing else, I’d rather die standing than lying on the ground. Damn, I missed my .44 sometimes.

Granted, I really didn’t want to buy the farm because of an evil rabbit. I’ve taken on warlocks, werewolves, vampires, demons, ghosts, just every nasty fairy tale and mythological critter out there, and even an insane Summer Lady. It would be pretty sorry to go through all of that, just to end up dying to a tiny little bunny, even if it did have huge, sharp, pointy teeth.

I guess it’s a good thing I’d burned Bianca years ago. Otherwise she’d probably change the headstone she’d bought for my future grave from ‘He died doing the Right Thing’ to ‘Killed by a Freaking Rabbit.’

The bunnarian came at me again, and I planted my feet and took a swing at it with my staff. The tiny little rabbit met my staff teeth first. On the bright side, the little hellbeast went flying back after I smacked it in the face. On the other hand, I needed a new staff now. Dammit, I’d just finished carving this one right before all this craziness with demons and ponies got started.

Just to follow that up with even more pain and humiliation, the demon-bunny circled around me, moving way too fast for me to have hope of keeping up, and sank its teeth into my hamstring. At least it was still biting through my duster, so I didn’t lose the leg or anything. Still hurt like hell.

I dropped to one knee, and the bunny halted a few feet in front me, glaring at me malevolently with its two sets of mismatched eyes. I was running low on tricks I could pull against this thing, unless I felt like jumping out of the window and trying my luck at surviving a fifty-foot drop. Even if I did make it out of that fall in one piece, I probably wouldn’t be in any condition to keep running, and it wouldn’t take the bunnarian long to catch up with me.

I shot a look at the pegasus cradling her injured wing against her side. “I’ll hold him off, Rainbow. You get out of here.” Much as I generally dislike the idea of dying, heroically or not, Rainbow Dash was more important than me right now. The ponies could still nuke Discord with the magic of friendship even if I died.

“Yeah, we both know that’s not happening, Harry.” Instead of doing the smart thing and running for it, Rainbow placed herself protectively between me and the bunnarian. Stupid Element of Loyalty. I guess it was a little hypocritical of me to get upset with her over that choice though–if I’d been in her (horse)shoes, I’d probably be doing the exact same thing.

The bunnarian jumped for Rainbow’s throat, and the pegasus reared up on her hind legs before lashing out with her forehooves. That kept the demon-rabbit from getting a good hit in, but she didn’t do any real damage to it either. The rabbit started slowly circling the two of us, and I couldn’t help remembering a similar situation where it had been Rainbow Dash defending a downed Pinkie Pie from Applegog. That fight ended with Rainbow coming perilously close to death.

The bunnarian came in a couple more times, and each time Rainbow managed to fight him off. It wasn’t going well for her though–each time the bunnarian came in it left a couple fresh scratches on her forelegs, and Rainbow’s wing was was still bleeding too. The bunnarian was just toying with her, slowly wearing her down until she was weak enough to give it a chance to go for the kill.

Rainbow was slowing down–I wasn’t sure she’d be able to stop the demon-bunny the next time it came for her. I tried getting her to run for it instead, but it worked about as well as you would expect. I swear, Rainbow Dash was like a younger, less wise version of me. Well, she was like me if I’d been a magical female cartoon pegasus.

The killer rabbit made its move, and got halfway to Rainbow’s throat before two things happened in very short order. First, the rabbit of doom suddenly jerked in mid-air and went flying away. Second, my brain processed the sound of a gunshot.

I looked up to find a very winded-looking Jenkins clutching a smoking pistol. “Be vewy, vewy quiet,” he announced with a slight smirk. “I’m hunting wabbit.” Gotta give the kid credit, that was a pretty good choice of one-liner.

Unfortunately, he’d forgotten one of the more important rules of dealing with Nickleheads ... shooting them just pisses them off. Well okay, Kincaid managed to do alright with shooting them, but despite his claims to the contrary he wasn’t exactly a vanilla mortal, and his firearms tended to be the kinds of things a gun-nuts have wet dreams about.

The bunnarian reevaluated its target priorities and went for the biggest threat. Jenkins tried shooting it again, but hitting it once in mid-air had been lucky–pulling that off twice was more than he could manage. So instead, Jenkins did exactly what I’d trained all the kids back at Warden Training Camp to do if they were being attacked by something they couldn’t dodge. He brought up a shield.

Jenkins was still in the stairwell instead of trapped under the sprinkler system like I was, so there wasn’t nearly as much running water disrupting his spellcasting. However, Jenkins’ shield wasn’t nearly as good as mine to begin with. The bunnarian ripped right through and slammed into him.

I tried to get up to help him, but instant I put any weight on the leg the killer rabbit had chomped on pain flared through it, and I dropped back down. Not that I was going to let a little detail like a chomped leg stop me for long. I’ve learned a lot of ways to deal with pain over the years.

Now I say this next part with the greatest of admiration, because it really is awful: Jenkins put up a helluva fight against the killer bunny. Briefly. A short, sharp yelp of surprise turned into a bubbly scream of pain way faster than I care to think about as the bunnarian reenacted what up until this point had been my favorite part of “The Holy Grail” and cut a second smile into his throat. His 1911 barked several times and locked open as he tried to kill it, then fell away in favor of one of the nastier-looking knives on his belt.

Despite the blood gushing out of his throat, Jenkins managed just a little bit of a smile right before he stabbed the killer rabbit. The demon-bunny stiffened in surprise, and then started twitching madly. A second later I figured out why–about half of the bunnarian, pretty much anything that was close to the area Jenkins had stabbed, was simply ... gone. A single tarnished silver coin rested on Jenkins’ chest.

For a moment, I considered doing something horrible. Jenkins was in bad shape, but the Fallen have patched their hosts up from some pretty serious injuries in the past. It’s not like I was going to Denarian him up out of pure evilness or anything, it was just to save his life, and then I’d throw the coin back into my jacket with all the others. I could just...

No. Much as I hated to admit it, that just wasn’t a realistic option. That’s how the bad guys always get you. It’s pretty rare for someone to go from semi-decent human being to full-on mustache-twirling evil in one fell swoop. No, the way the bad guys got you was by convincing you to make tiny little sacrifices and compromises like that. One minute you’re telling yourself that you had to use a bit of demon power to save someone’s life, and then next thing you know you’re sacrificing thousands of innocents ‘for the greater good.’

I’m not gonna say I’m happy about it, or even sure it was the right choice, but I wasn’t going to Denarian Jenkins up to save his life. Especially not when I couldn’t even get his okay before I did it.

That didn’t mean I wasn’t going to do my damndest to save him. My leg still hurt like hell, but I didn’t have time for that anymore. I put one hand on his throat to try to stem the bleeding, and started carrying him back to our camp as best I could. At first I could barely get him moving, but then Rainbow trotted to help with his other side.

The arm and leg where that bastard demon-bunny bit me were bleeding, and still hurt like hell, but I grit my teeth and powered through the pain. I could worry about all that after I got Jenkins back. Fluttershy was good at medicine, and Rarity had been a passable field medic when I pressed her into service. Hell’s bells, there was Lash’s weird healing thing–sure, she’d said that it only worked on me, but there had to be some way she could...

“Hang in there, Jenkins!” He let out a weak, gurgling moan when I said his name. “Just hold on, we’re almost through this thing!”

I wasn’t gonna lose him. Those bastard Denarians had already killed too many people, and I’d lost too many others to all the other baddies out there. Jenkins was practically still a kid, Hell’s bells, a couple years back I’d been putting him through the White Council’s crash course for new Wardens. The same crash course where two of my students wound up getting eaten by ghouls.

No. I wasn’t losing him too. Not happening. “Stay with me, Jenkins!” I shouted at the dying man. “You stay with me, goddammit!” He didn’t answer me–that was probably a bad sign, but I wasn’t giving up on him yet.

The three of us finally staggered back to our base camp. I quickly cleared the rubble off of a countertop, and set Jenkins down. “Fluttershy, Rarity, can you two patch him up?” The two ponies shared a worried look, and then took half a step back instead of moving up to help.

“Lash!” I turned to the next best source of help. “You can use that magic trick of yours to patch him up like you did with me, right?” Lash wasn’t moving to help either. What was wrong with them? Couldn’t they see that Jenkins was dying?

Finally, Applejack walked up to me and took her hat off. “Harry ... he’s gone.”

I looked back at Jenkins. His face was pale and still, and the gaping wound in his throat wasn’t even bleeding anymore–just a slight trickle, the last ebb from his final heartbeat. He looked ... peaceful.

I sank down to the floor. “Derpy?” My voice sounded hollow. Tired and worn, out, which was pretty much exactly how I felt.

“Badly hurt, but stable,” Lash informed me. “It is fortunate that you chose to give her a soul. I was able to use the connection that it created to help her sustain herself until we could contain the damage. She will live ... assuming no further ills befall her.”

Yeah, because we had such a great track record so far.

I looked over to where Lash and Fluttershy were tending to Derpy. She was bandaged up, but the lack of painkillers had a pretty obvious effect on her--I could hear her grinding her teeth from across the room as Fluttershy secured the last bandage in place. God love her, she looked at Jenkins and bit back a whimper, as if what she was feeling was nothing in comparison.

God damn you, Nicodemus. God damn you and your entire horde to hell today.

I sighed, walked over to Derpy and put a hand on her forehead as I whispered one of the few words of comfort I knew for someone in this much pain.

“Dormius.”

Her breathing steadied as my spell took effect, and I briefly stroked her mane. Hopefully she wouldn’t be able to feel her injuries in the deep sleep.

I walked up to Jenkins and closed his eyes. “I know I said I get frustrated with the White Council at times,” I said to nobody in particular. Maybe I was just saying it to myself. “But there are reasons why I do think they are a force for good in the world. And it's because of guys like Jenkins. Good men and women trying to do the right thing, at the right time, with the power at their disposal.”

“He–he saved us,” Rainbow added shakily.

“Poor Jenkins,” Pinkie whimpered. “He died saving you and Dashie after you ran ahead without a plan.”

We all lapsed into mournful silence for a couple second, until the phone started ringing again. When I answered it, Nicodemus sounded just as casually calm as if we were discussing the weather. “In light of recent events, have you decided to reconsider my offer?”

Considering the circumstances, my reaction was pretty restrained. “You're dead, Nicky!” I screamed into the receiver. “Do you hear me? You're fucking dead!”

“I'll take that as a ‘no.’” The smug bastard

“Hexus!” It was petty, but treating Nicky to an earful of feedback squeal was the best thing I could do hurt him right now. Then I ripped the phone off its cord and hurled it out the window.

I took a couple deep breaths, and tried to get my rage ... well, not completely under control because that would be impossible, but at least restrained enough that I wasn’t going to storm out and burn down the city just to get to him. “Alright, here’s the plan–Lash, you stay with Derpy. She’s in no condition to come with us, and I’m not leaving her by herself. The rest of us are gonna go take those sons of bitches down.”