Pony Fortress 2

by The Shadow Brony

Rating: teen
Tags: Big Macintosh, Slice of Life, Crossover, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Trixie, Spike
Length: 7737

Ponified versions of the Team Fortress 2 Meet The videos.

A collection of snippets from the secret second lives of some memorable ponies and other creatures. Hope you enjoy the mayhem.

Published 2013-04-22 19:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-28 06:40:37 UTC

Meet the Sniper

It was a peaceful day in the city of Cloudsdale. The pegasi were hard at work managing the weather, and some were even discussing the newest activities of the Wonderbolts. Still others were making plans for the Summer Sun Celebration. Despite it being a ways off. And in particular, one pegasus was hard at work training to reenter the Wonderbolt Academy. This mare’s name was Lightning Dust, and she now reclined on a cloud to take a rest before getting back to her practice. And she had just closed her eyes to enjoy the silence when a loud bang rang out. She never heard it because her head was no longer on her shoulders, and her headless corpse had passed through the clouds and was falling to the ground below.
About a mile away, in a hot air balloon, a purple mare looked through the scope of her sniper rifle, admiring her handiwork with a satisfied smile as she adjusted her hat. Another happy customer. “Boom… Headshot.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After returning to Ponyville, Twilight found a surprise waiting for her. Her older brother, Shining Armor was waiting to see her at her home, which doubled as Ponyville’s library. “Twilight, we need to talk,” Shining Armor said seriously.

“About what, big bro?” Twilight asked as she settled down at her desk with a good book, smiling as she levitated a cup of tea to her mouth and took a sip.

“What are you thinking, doing that second job of yours?” Shining Armor asked.

“Sniping’s a good job, Shining Armor. It’s challenging work, lets me travel. I guarantee I won’t go hungry. Cause at the end of the day, as long as there are two ponies left on the planet, somepony is gonna want somepony dead,” Twilight said in a conversational tone. Even though she was talking about her second life as a professional killer.

“Twilight, you’ve become a crazed gunpony!” Shining Armor snapped.

“I’m not a crazed gunpony, bro. I’m an assassin,” Twilight said in a very matter of fact tone, as to encourage use of her term.

“I don’t see a difference,” Shining Armor said.

“The difference is that one is a job and the other is mental illness,” Twilight said in a somewhat annoyed tone.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Shining Armor was determined, and had tracked Twilight down when she went to her next job.

"What are you doing here, Shining Armor?" Twilight asked, having just set aside a jar partially filled with urine, putting it with several others.

"Twilight... have you been peeing in jars?" Shining Armor asked.

"I don't have time for relief on these long stakeouts, so I keep the jars nearby," Twilight said. "Plus they're good for soaking enemies who get near me. I call them Jarate."

"That's disgusting..." Shining Armor said as he moved to where he wasn't in the way.

“I think his pal saw me…” Twilight muttered before backing away quickly at a gunshot bouncing off her roost’s rail. “Yes! Yes he did!”

Shining Armor looked at the targets with a scrying spell, and saw that one of them was Gilda the Griffon, who had wronged one of his sister's friends in the past.“Twilight, you seem to let your feelings decide who you go after,” he said. "That griffon hurt one of your friend's feelings, right?"

“Feelings?” Twilight asked. “Look, bro. You know has a lot of feelings? Guys who bludgeon their wives to death with a golf trophy,” she said as she took aim. “Professionals have standards. Be polite,” a shot rang out and Gilda went down. “Be efficient.” Another griffon went down from a headshot. “Have a plan to kill everypony you meet…” Twilight said as a third and final shot killed her last target. "Gilda's actions against Fluttershy have no bearing. Somepony wanted her dead. That's all there is to it," she said as she started packing her gear.

“I’m worried about you, little sis,” Shining Armor muttered.

“Shining Armor… let it go,” Twilight muttered with an annoyed look on her face.

Meet the Pyro

A lone pony stalked through the dusk toward a small fort of mercenaries. Its body was clad in a red and black fireproof suit. Its head clad in a black rebreather mask, the eyes tinted to prevent sight of them. And in its hooves it held a menacing looking homemade flamethrower, the blue pilate light letting off an ominous sound that foreshadowed death... and suffering.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Up on the hill a safe distance from the fort, two ponies and a small dragon waited for the carnage to start.

"I fear no stallion," Big Macintosh said. "But that thing... it scares me."

"Can we not talk about that freak?" Spike asked, clutching his rocket launcher as though seeking comfort.

"I shudder to think what inequine thoughts lie behind that mask," Twilight said as the fires started. "What dreams of chronic, sustained cruelty..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Even though the mercenaries were screaming in terror as the flames spread, both on their own and aided by the masked arsonist, through the arsonist's eyes, things were very, very different.

Pinkie laughed happily as she spread rainbows with her special rainbow maker. "Hi everypony!" she called as she merrily hopped and skipped her way along, grabbing a huge lolypop as she ran toward a smiling pony.

That mercenary screamed before an ax was buried in his skull.

Pinkie laughed with the pony as he enjoyed the lolypop, and smiled at another who landed on the nozzle of her rainbow maker. "Of course you can have some bubbles, silly filly!" she said as she blew some bubbles in her face.

The mare fell to the ground dead after being shot in the chest with a shotgun.

Pinkie laughed and skipped along with the two ponies and saw another one duck into a box. Smiling, she fixed the lid on the hastily closed box.

The hiding medic tried to open the door only to find it barred with an ax, and the arsonist in front of him to his horror. "No! NOOOOOO!!!" he screamed as he was burned alive by the flamethrower.

"This is so much fun, everypony!" Pinkie exclaimed happily as she bounced around, followed by all her new friends and spraying rainbows everywhere she went, including over her friends. "Hi there!" she called to a pair of gardening ponies as she passed. She waved at them when they waved at her.

The mercenaries kept trying to flee the mad arsonist. One fell from a balcony and crawled over to the first set of legs he saw and gripped one. "Help!" To his horror, the one he begged for help was the arsonist, who leveled their flamethrower at him and lit him up like a birthday cake, eliciting screams from him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Twilight, Spike, and Big Macintosh watched in subdued horror as their masked ally walked out of the fort as it burned and disappeared into the night.

"Sure glad he's on our side," Spike said. To the agreement of his comrades.

"Hi guys!" Pinkie yelled from behind them, making them jump ten feet in the air. "Whatcha doin? Huh? Huh? Huh? I was just coming through the woods heading for Zecora's place when I saw you and thought, 'they look all worked up!' So I brought just the thing to cheer you up!" she said as she rumaged in her saddlebags and out a tray. "Cupcakes!"

The three ponies being offered the treats noticed they had a certain flame motif to them, and looked at each other. Couldn't be. Could it? Suddenly, they were very nervous about the pink ball of happiness, laughter, and smiles.

Meet the Engineer

Applejack whistled a tune as she set down her wrench and sat down in front of her campfire with a bottle of good cider. "Somethin wrong?" she asked of her companions. She was escorting Jet Set and Upper Crust back to their estate in Canterlot. They had come to her for such an escort because the train tracks from Ponyville to Canterlot were damaged and the area in between was bandit territory. For a hefty sum of bits, Applejack had agreed, and now they were camped out in a forest clearing, with the upper class couple being on edge compared to the relaxed Applejack.

"How can you be so relaxed?" Jet Set asked as the tripod mounted device next to the campfire turned and shot someone in the dark, getting a scream.

"Look buddy. I'm an engineer. Which means Ah solve problems," Applejack said.

"Well then, what is beauty?" Upper Crust asked, cringing as another bandit was gunned down.

"Ah don't solve problems like that," Applejack said. "That falls in the purview of yer conundrums of philosophy. Better question for Rarity if ya ask me." Another bandit was gunned down as the farmmare took a swig of cider. "Ah solve practical problems. Fer example: how am I gonna stop some big, mean motherhubberd from tearing me a new behind?" Another turret, this one with dual machine guns rather than the smaller semiautomatic one, turned and blasted several bandits. "The answer: use a gun."

"And if that doesn't work?" Jet Set asked in a bit of nervousness from the screams.

In answer to his question, a third turret, this one with a rocket launcher mounted on the top along with the machine guns, turned and fired its rockets at a group of bandits.

"If that don't work, use more gun," Applejack said with a grin as an explosion went off and lit up a part of the woods.

"MY LEGGGGG!!!" a bandit screamed as said limb landed in front of Applejack, drawing the semiautomatic turret's attention.

"Like this high caliber, tripod mounted little number," Applejack said. "Designed by me. Built by me," a quick buck sent the leg flying, where the semiautomatic turret shot it down. "And you'd best hope... not pointed at you," she said in a bit of an ominous tone as the bandits tried bum rushing them, only to be cut down one after another by the turrets. "Ah... music to mah ears."

Jet Set and Upper Crust on the other hoof, were trembling in new found fear of their escort. A country mare she might have been, but this unassuming looking apple farmer was dangerous.

Some more bandits got cut down by machine gun fire. Though not from the turrets. Another couple got blasted with rockets not from a turret, and yet another got hit in the head with a single well placed bullet.

"Well I'll be. Who knew Ah'd find you three in these parts?" Applejack asked with a grin as Twilight, Spike, and Big Macintosh came into the light of the campfire.

"Are you... Twilight Sparkle?!" Upper Crust asked. She had never expected to find Twilight Sparkle of all ponies wearing an outfit more suited to hunting than research, and carrying a sniper rifle that looked quite menacing despite looking to have been made from random items in one of those flea markets she'd heard about.

"Indeed I am," Twilight said as she sat down. "The dragon is my assistant Spike."

"Hi," Spike said as he affectionately rubbed his rocket launcher.

"And the stallion is Applejack's brother Big Macintosh," Twilight said.

"Eeyup," Big Mac said as he looked over his machine gun.

"Got yourself a new gun, Twi?" Applejack asked.

"Yup. I call it the Bazaar Bargain," Twilight said. "Enchanted to become more powerful with successive headshots."

Jet Set and Upper Crust could only sit in silence as they wondered what kind of ponies they were in the presence of.

Meet the Scout

The sky above Ponyville was split by a rainbow trail as a familiar cyan pegasus flew overhead, busting clouds with powerful kicks. Once the sky was cleared up, the one and only Rainbow Dash, marefriend of Wonderbolt Soarin, and due to become one herself, landed on a cloud and lay back with a content sigh. "Life is good," she muttered as she started settling down for a nap. Only for a familiar yell to pull her from it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Down on the ground, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle; better known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders, were once again being harassed by local bullies Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Though their tormenters had somepony else with them today: a powerfully built earth pony with blue fur, and a fist for his cutie mark.

"This is my new bodyguard, D Muscle," Diamond Tiara said while gesturing to the silent pony with a foreleg. "Daddy hired him to look after me and do whatever I tell him to do. "D Muscle, break that scooter!" she ordered while pointing to Scootaloo's favored mode of transport.

"Stay away!" Scootaloo yelled, holding onto her scooter in attempt to protect it.

Before D Muscle could do anything, he felt something tap the side of his head. Turning to look at it, he saw Rainbow Dash hovering beside him.

"Yo, what's up?" Dash asked with a grin.

"Rainbow Dash!" The Crusaders exclaimed together, happy that Dash had come to help them.

"So... picking on Scoot and her friends," Rainbow Dash started as she moved in front of the three fillies. "Not cool. You want that scooter, you gotta go through me."

"Move, pegasus," D Muscle said in a voice that didn't suggest intelligence.

"I don't even know where to start with you. Do you have any idea who I am?" Dash asked. "Any idea at all, who I am?"

D Muscle turned and tried to buck Dash with a powerful kick, only for her to avoid his attacks one after another.

"Basically, kind of a big deal," Dash said as she wrapped her forelegs around his neck from behind.

D Muscle yelled as he tried to get her off.

Dash held on while admiring her muscles. "Aw that's beautiful. Yeah... that's the stuff."

D Muscle didn't get her off until she let go and went back above him.

"You listening?" Dash asked. "Okay. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and dude... I hurt ponies." She then zipped down and bucked D Muscle in the chest. "I'm a force of nature!" a buck to the face. "If you were from where I'm from, you'd be bucking dead!" a final buck to the chest for the knockout before Dash landed on D Muscle's unconscious body, looking at Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon with a scowl. "Beat it."

The two bullies nearly tripped over their own legs as they ran away as fast as they could.

"Rainbow Dash is the coolest pony ever!" Scootaloo exclaimed as she and her friends surrounded Dash.

"Was there any any doubt?" Dash asked with a grin.

Meet the Spy

Spike perked up as an alarm went off. "Intruder alert! A spy is in the base! Protect the prisoner!"

"Yo! A little help here?!" he heard a voice yell outside the door of the room he was being kept in. Mouth muzzled and tied up with a lot of rope and duct tape.

"Alright I got it. Stand back, son," another voice said. "One, one, one, uh... one." The sound of the door unlocking could be heard over the alarm. That was the door code? Pretty weak in Spike's opinion.

"Let's go! Let's go!" the first voice said frantically.

"INCOMING!!!" a third voice bellowed before the door was knocked off its hinges, letting a group of three ponies, two earth ponies and a pegasus, into the room, ready to shoot.

"Hey he's still here!" the pegasus said.

"Alright then," the machine gun toting earth pony said.

"Ahem!" Their attention was drawn to the door, where a changeling was holding a dead body. "Gentlecolts." He started walking toward them. "I see the prisoner is safe. Tell me. Did any of you kill the enemy spy on your way here?" After they were silent for a moment, he spoke again. "No? Then we still have a problem," he said as he deposited the body he was carrying on the table, showing the butterfly knife lodged at the base of the unicorn's skull.

"And a knife," the shotgun wielding pony said.

"Ooh! Big problem! I've killed plenty of spies," The pegasus said as he pulled the knife out and started twirling it. "They're bit a dozen, backstabbing scumbags. Like you, Ow!" he dropped the knife as the blade nicked him. "No offense."

"The changeling picked up the knife. "If you managed to kill them, I assure you they were not like me," he said as he closed the knife in a flourish and handed it to the pegasus. "And nothing, nothing like the mare loose inside this building."

"What are you, president of her fanclub?" the pegasus asked, getting laughs from the two earth ponies.

"No," the changeling said easily. "That would be our prisoner," he said as he threw down a folder that spilled out photos of Spike and Rarity in the throes of passionate lovemaking, getting some wolf whistles from the ponies. And causing Spike to blush under his muzzle. "And now she's here to fuck us. So listen up, boy! Or those photos will be the last pleasant sight you'll ever see," he said as he lit a cigarette and took a drag. "This spy has already breached our defenses."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rarity made her way to the end of a hallway and sighted a lone engineer tending his sentry gun. Prepping a sapper, she quickly made her way over and slid the sapper under the sentry to take it out as she pulled a revolver and shot the engineer between the eyes point blank.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You've seen what she's done to our colleagues," the changeling said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A sniper turned and tried to point his rifle at Rarity, only for her to disarm him and kick him into the boards over the window, breaking them. The sniper grabbed his knife and tried to slash Rarity. But the fashionista easily parried and stabbed the base of his skull, letting him fall down a stairwell.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"And worst of all: she could be any one of us," the changeling said.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rarity pinned a medic and assumed his form with a spell before snapping his neck and hiding the body before walking away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"She could be in this very room!" the changeling said. "It could be you!" he said as he pointed at the machine gunner. "It could be me! It could even be - " he was cut off by his head getting blown off.

"WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!" the pegasus yelled.

"What?! It was obvious!" the shotgun user said as he chambered a new round. "He's the one. Watch. He'll change back any second now." They all waited, and his confidence started waning when nothing happened. "Annny second now."

"So... we've still got a problem," the machine gunner said as the pegasus started moving toward them while they were distracted by the changeling's body, the knife held in a blue magic aura.

"Big problem," the shotgun user said as the knife silently opened. "Alright. Who's ready to go find this spy?" He never saw the smirk that appeared on Spike's face as the pegasus dropped his disguise to reveal Rarity.

"Right behind you," Rarity said. The oh crap faces of the two earth ponies was priceless to Spike as he watched Rarity stab them to death before they could react. Smiling sweetly, Rarity went over to Spike and cut him free while her telekinesis removed his muzzle. "Ah... My dear Spiky Wikey," she said as she nuzzled him lovingly. "Let's get out of here."

Meet the Medic

The sound of birds chirping was broken as Spike and Rainbow Dash ran over a hill. "Move, Dragonboy! Move!" Dash yelled. Normally she'd be flying, but her wings were in bandages from her injuries. "Come on! Come on! Ahh!" she screamed as an explosion sent her flying to the ground. As she struggled back to her feet, she saw more rockets coming at her. "Aw shit..." she muttered before the explosion sent her flying through the air screaming before she smashed into a window. "Medic!" she groaned.

Within the building, laughter could be heard. "No more!" Big Macintosh yelled through his laughter.

"It gets better. When they woke up, their skeletons were missing, and the diamond dogs were never heard from again," Fluttershy said before breaking out in a bout of maniacal laughter, her patient laughing with her. Even though his heart was held in her blood covered hooves, quite literally, and the red stream from her mounted medigun was the only thing keeping Big Macintosh alive. "Anyway. That's how I got into medicine."

A familiar white bunny popped his head out of Big mac's chest cavity, covered in the stallion's blood.

"Angel! No!" Fluttershy scolded as she shooed her pet out of her patient's chest. "It's filthy in there," she said as she smiled at her patient. "Bunnies..." She picked up a device with a meter on it in her teeth and stuck it in Big Mac's heart. "Now. Most hearts couldn't withstand this voltage," she said as she turned away from him and stuck the heart under the medigun beam. "But I'm fairly certain your heart -" The heart cut her off by exploding, a piece hitting Angel.

"What was that?" Big Mac asked in concern.

Fluttershy got a smirk on her face. "The sound of progress, my dear," she said before pulling what was left of her coltfriend's heart off the device with her teeth and opened her fridge, pulling out a manticore heart.

"Kill me," the life supported changeling head behind it said.

"Not now," Fluttershy said as she closed the fridge with her hind hoof. "Where was I?" she asked as she stuck the device in the new heart and held it under the beam. "Come on. Come on," she said as it started beating fast. That in turn made her start laughing manically again.

Big Mac laughed with her, though more nervously. He loved her to death, but she really scared him sometimes.

Fluttershy stopped laughing when she noticed the heart was now glowing red and beating normally. "That looks good." With that, she dropped it into Big Mac's chest cavity. "Now we press here..."

"Should I be awake for this?" Big Mac asked.

Fluttershy thought for a moment. "Probably not. But as long as you are, could you be a dear and hold your rib cage open a bit while I push this in?"

Big Mac did as asked and screamed in pain when he felt a pain shoot through his side as the heart was pushed into place.

Fluttershy looked and saw he'd broken a rib off. "Oh don't be such a baby. Ribs grow back," she said before taking it in her teeth and tossing it away. She then grabbed the medigun and aimed a more concentrated flow into her patient, sealing up his chest cavity good as new.

Big Mac put a hoof on his chest and took a deep breath. "What now?"

"Now?" Fluttershy asked as she pulled him to his feet and briefly kissed him. "Let's go practice medicine," she said with a sinister smirk before suiting up and heading out.

Rarity saw her from where she was cradling Spike. "Fluttershy!"

Fluttershy started up her medigun and aimed the stream at Spike, healing all his injuries and letting him get to his feet, grab his rocket launcher, and rejoin the fight. She then turned her medigun on Rainbow Dash.

Dash felt her bones knit themselves together and her wounds close up. And with them, her strength returned. "Yeah!" she cheered as she took to the air. "Oh yeah!" she yelled as she kicked a stallion so hard his neck snapped.

"Fluttershy! Are you sure this will work?!" Big Mac asked as more foes charged toward them.

Fluttershy laughed. "I have no idea!" she answered as she flipped a switch and sent the beam into Big Mac.

Big Macintosh yelled as he glowed red and started advancing, all attacks bouncing off him as his bullets tore through the enemy ranks, impressing Twilight and Applejack as he passed with Fluttershy in tow. "I AM BULLETPROOF!!!" he bellowed as he climbed a pile of corpses in the course of his rampage.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After the enemy was sent running, Fluttershy offered the operation she'd given Big Macintosh, which she called the Ubercharge, to the rest of her friends. They had accepted, and Rainbow Dash was currently getting hers.

"That looks good," Fluttershy said from inside the operating room.

"Thanks, Fluttershy," Dash said before walking out. "Oh Man! You would not believe, how much this hurts!"

A muffled sound came from within Rainbow's chest.

"Angel?" Fluttershy called, making an oh crap face cross Dash's face.

Meet the Demomare

Twilight was reading a book while cleaning her rifle and waiting for the potential demolition expert.

"Twilight, do we really need somepony for demolition?" Spike asked. "I can blow up anything."

"We need a full time demolition specialist for our coming job," Twilight said, setting her rifle on its rack and checking her bow, which she affectionately called the Huntscolt. Just as she finished, the door opened in a puff of blue smoke, revealing a blue mare decked out in demolition specialist gear.

"Behold! The Great and Powerful Trixie, your demomare!" Trixie announced as she entered and shut the door, sitting down across from Twilight.

"Please not her..." Spike muttered.

"Hush, Spike," Twilight said before looking at Trixie. "Welcome, Trixie. Would you like a drink?"

"That would be wonderful," Trixie said.

"Get us some wine, Spike," Twilight said. "The good stuff."

"On it, Twilight," Spike said, going into the kitchen.

Twilight smiled at Trixie. "So, you're a demomare now, huh?"

"Yes. After the things that happened to Trixie in Ponyville, Trixie was unable to reclaim fame as a showmare," Trixie said. "So Trixie applied her knowledge of fireworks and became a demomare." As she spoke, Spire returned with their drinks and set them on the table.

"Impressive," Twilight said before sipping her wine. "So what makes you a good demomare?"

Trixie lowered her glass. "What makes Trixie a good demomare? If Trixie were a bad demomare, she would not be sitting here discussing it with you!" she snapped.

Twilight raised her forehooves in a placating gesture. "Alright. Just calm down, Trixie."

Trixie nodded and sipped her drink. "One crossed wire... one wayward pinch of potassium chlorate... one errant twitch... and you're dead!" She took another drink and set the glass down. "Trixie never expected to take this kind of turn in her life." She took note of movement outside the library. "So! The moral here?" she grabbed her grenade launcher and fired the four loaded bombs outside, blowing up the would be assassins. "Trixie is a grim fable..." she grabbed her sticky bomb launcher and set the mines contained within outside the door. "With a grim end!" she detonated the bombs and walked toward the remains with a laugh. "It seems they'll have to glue you back together. In Tartarus!"

Twilight put a hoof on Trixie's shoulder. "I think you'll fit right in, Trixie," she said as she brought the Huntscolt up and put an arrow in one remaining assassin's eye socket. Then she downed her drink like nothing had happened.

Expiration Date

The repurposed and magically expanded interior of the caravan was silent as the ponies and dragon within relaxed after a successful job. Well, all except Big Macintosh, who was pulling the caravan.

Twilight was distracted from cleaning her gun by a ringing sound. In a bit of excitement, she moved over to the video screen and pushed the flashing button under it, bringing up a monochrome feed of a unicorn stallion. "H-Hi Facet," she greeted with a tiny blush.

"Hello, Twilight," Facet said. "I see you completed your mission. And no one saw you?"

Twilight was about to answer when Spike shoved next to her. "Hi Facet! We killed everyone and got Princess Luna's classified intelligence back!"

"Not everyone, Spike," Facet said. "You left seven witnesses." He paused to shoot a groaning pony with a magically silenced pistol. "Six. Now just keep that briefcase safe until I come by to get it to deliver to Princess Luna. Have a good weekend." As Facet spoke, the caravan was pulled into the team's hidden safehouse.

"Hey Facet," Twilight said as the others started leaving the caravan. "Before you go..."

"Yeah?" Facet asked as he started piling up corpses.

"Well, uh..." Twilight blushed very darkly. "Are you gonna be busy this weekend?"

"Funny you should mention that," Facet said as he picked up an ax. "I'll be disposing of bodies all weekend so that the lot of you don't get sent to the moon."

"Well, if you finish early, maybe we could... Maybe..." Twilight was cut off by noise on Facet's end.

"Gotta go. Still some able bodied witnesses," Facet said before ending the call.

Twilight sighed and grabbed her rifle before stepping out of the caravan.

"You choke again?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Shut up, Dash," Twilight said.

Dash laughed a bit before going over to Fluttershy and Applejack, ignoring Trixie going through their teleporter to Ponyville. "So what are you two eggheads working on?"

The team's medic and engineer had serious looks. "Listen," Applejack said. "We've been doing some experiments with the teleporter, and ya'll might wanna see this." Pushing a button on her remote, the teleporter in front of her activated and brought up a loaf of bread.

"Wow. You can teleport bread," Dash said in a deadpan voice before Fluttershy broke it open right in front of the scout's face. "Sweet Celestia! What are those things?!" Dash yelled as she jumped back, staring at the green, pulsating pustules in the bread.

"Tumors," Fluttershy said simply.

"Ya'll know what this means, right?" Applejack asked.

"We can't teleport bread anymore!" Pinkie cried in despair.

"Not exactly. You can teleport as much bread as ya want," Applejack said, patting the team's pyromaniac on the back.. "That goes for all of ya. If there's somethin ya always wanted to do before ya die... Now'd be a good time."

"How long before these tumors kill us?" Rarity asked while hugging a shaking Spike.

"Let's see. We all use the teleporter an average of six times per day, times four years..." Fluttershy kept muttering her calculations. "Three days. We all have three days to live."

This revelation's shock was broken by a cheering Trixie coming through the teleporter. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has returned triumphant!" she yelled, her telekinesis laden with several casks of Sweet Apple Acres hard cider. When no one cheered with her, she looked around. "What?"

"We're all dying, Trixie. You included," Twilight said. "Teleporter gave us all cancer and we have three days to live."

Trixie took a moment to process this information before deflating. "Glad I got the booze. If I'm gonna die, I want to do it while drunk off my flank."

70 hours til death

All the team except Applejack and Fluttershy were gathered around the poker table in their rec room.

Twilight brought up a bucket. "This... Is a bucket."

"No..." Pinkie breathed as it was set on the table.

"There's more," Twilight said.

"Dear Celestia!" Pinkie breathed.

"It contains the dying wish of everyone in this room," Twilight said, looking at Dash. "You did collect everyone's dying wish, right?"

"Yeah yeah," Dash said with a grin.

Twilight nodded. "Synchronize your death watches." Once that was done, she continued. "We have seventy hours to live. For most people, no time at all. We are not most people. We are mercenaries. We have the will, and resources to make these hours count! The clock is ticking. Let's get started." She pulled a card out. "Our first dying wish is Rainbow's." Her eyes narrowed. "She's... drawn a picture of me fawning over Facet..." Another card was pulled. "Me having sex with Facet." Another card. "Me crying over Facet rejecting me. Did anyone besides Rainbow put a card in this bucket?!" Dash's laughter was her answer. "Wonderful. This was a waste of time..."

"Wait! You didn't read my wish!" Pinkie said excitedly.

"Does it say you want the bucket?" Twilight asked in a deadpan tone.

"Yes!" Pinkie chirped.

Twilight pushed the bucket to her and watched as the table was vacated. "See you all in Tartarus," she called bitterly.

As Pinkie walked past Applejack and Fluttershy, who had the teleporters and a lot of bread on carts, she saw one loaf fall off. Getting an idea, she grinned wide and grabbed it.

58 hours til death

Twilight was in her shooting range and had just reloaded when a certain cyan pegasus came in.

"Uh... Twi?" Dash said hesitantly.

"Ah, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said before taking a shot. "Please, go fuck yourself."

Dash winced. "Yeah, I guess you're kinda pissed about the bucket thing."

Twilight pinned Dash to the wall with her magic and held the cutting edge of her kukri to Rainbow's throat. "Oh no. I'm not at all angry that you joked about how madly I love Facet, and how I'll never get to be with him because I'm going to die IN LESS THAN 58 HOURS!!!" Her tone had steadily progressed from heavy sarcasm to pissed off screaming. "So if you don't mind. I'd like to be alone with my thoughts and my gun. So get the fuck out!"

Dash gulped. "Listen, Twi! I came to apologize!" The kukri was pulled away slightly. "I'm sorry about that. It was insensitive. And I... I wanna help you out. Well... Me and Rarity."

"Really?" Twilight asked, clearly skeptical.

"Yes indeed, darling," Rarity said as she walked in. "I would be honored to spend my final hours aiding you in having a date with the stallion of your dreams."

Twilight put Rainbow down and smiled. "Thank you. Both of you."

51 hours til death

Twilight stood across from Rarity in the training gym, where a cart with perfumes, wine, and books was pushed toward her by her instructor.

"Seduce me," Rarity said.

"What?" Twilight asked in confusion.

"Seduce me," Rarity instructed again.

"I'm not seducing you," Twilight said.

"Seduce me!" Rarity snapped, making Twilight shrink back a bit.

Twilight took a breath and picked up the books in her telekinesis as she approached Rarity. "So... Do you like books?" A backhoof across the face cut her off.

"I'm not one of your bookworm friends!" Rarity snapped. "I am a stallion! I like my mares sophisticated. Alluring. You want to be my lover?! Earn it! Seduce me!"

Twilight found herself being tutored in the fine arts of seduction by Rarity over the weekend. Slowly but surely she mastered dancing, seduction, and how she carried herself.

2 hours til death

Twilight shaded her face with a hoof as a light was shined on her.

"Final question," Rarity said. "Your date is picking you up at seven. How do you prepare?"

"Start getting ready at 7:00 AM," Twilight began. "Case the venue and run background checks on all the staff. Can the vital ones be trusted? If not, I have to kill them, dispose of the bodies, and replace them with my own agents no later than 4:00 PM. Leaving the remaining three hours to select my best dress, apply make up, and get the amount of perfume just right. Aphrodisiac laced perfume is optional."

Rarity smiled. "You're ready."

"Really?" Twilight asked.

"Yes," Rarity said. "But we have only two hours. Make them count."

"I will!" Twilight vowed, galloping off to prepare for Facet's arrival.

1 hour til death-

Facet whistled a tune to himself as he approached the safehouse door, though was not expecting the sight that greeted him behind the open door. Namely a dolled up Twilight Sparkle. He had to admit, she was very beautiful. And he found himself blushing as he looked her over. Her dress was formfitting and accentuated her curves in a very tasteful manner, she had on minimal amounts of mascara and eye shadow, and she had applied some cherry red lipstick. "Um..." he cleared his throat. "Hello, Twilight."

"Hello, Facet," Twilight greeted as she led him in. "I was thinking that Princess Luna can wait a bit longer for her stuff. I'd like to get to know you better." She led him into a small room that had been converted into a dining area with a table set for two. Spike and Big Macintosh were on a saxophone and piano respectively, providing some smooth jazz. And the room was dimmed for being lit by candlelight. "Over dinner, maybe?" She fluttered her eyelashes at him.

Facet gulped. She had clearly gone to a lot of trouble to set all this up, so he saw little harm in indulging her. "Alright. I guess I have time for dinner."

"Wonderful," Twilight said before pecking him on the cheek.

thirty minutes til death

Applejack readied the teleporter and grabbed some tumor covered bread. "Ya ready?"

"Ready," Fluttershy answered from her end.

Nodding, Applejack sent the loaf through to Fluttershy's end.

Fluttershy was about to pick up the bread when it started moving, and growled with a mouth full of teeth before attacking her and making her scream.

In the central monitoring room, Rarity, Trixie, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie were watching Twilight's dinner with Facet.

"Oh she's doing so marvelously!" Rarity said, wiping away a stray tear. "If only it didn't have to end in tragedy." She jumped as Fluttershy and Applejack burst in.

"Great news! We're not dying!" Applejack exclaimed. "It's only bread that gets tumors!"

"Not even tumors," Fluttershy said as she held a jar. "It's some manner of life form that only forms in a pure wheat environment," she said before shaking the jar and angering the living loaf. "He really hates me."

"So we're fine," Applejack said. "As long as we don't teleport bread."

"Um... I teleported bread," Pinkie said nervously. "You said we could."

"How much?" Applejack asked in a dead serious tone.

"I've done nothing but teleport bread for three days," Pinkie answered before Fluttershy grabbed her after throwing the jar to the floor.

"Where?! Where did you send it?!" Fluttershy demanded.

Twilight glanced at her death watch, seeing that only ten minutes remained. Looking at Facet, who was smiling at her, she began to slowly lean toward him. Inwardly, she jumped for joy as he reciprocated, their eyes slowly closing as their lips came within an inch of each other. A rumbling sound and small quake stopped them from their kiss.

"What was that?" Facet asked before a wall was torn down, revealing a roaring monster loaf of bread with pulsing green pustules coming out of it. "WHAT IS THAT THING?!" he yelled as he jumped up, grabbing a shotgun as the rest of the team burst in, weapons drawn.

"I don't know!" Twilight yelled as she shot it with her rifle, wincing as the bread started beating the crap out of the others, barely affected by their guns. "How are we going to kill it?!"

Facet looked around and saw the huge bomb that Trixie kept for large scale destruction missions. Getting an idea, he pulled Twilight toward it while his telekinesis snatched Spike's death watch from him. "Buy me some time! Macintosh! Hold the blast door!" While Big Mac stood ready with the blast door and the rest shot at the bread to hold it back, Facet jury rigged the watch into a timer for the bomb and shoved it toward the bread. "Come on!" Pulling Twilight toward the door, they were pulled back by the monster bread.

Twilight saw the watch's countdown and quickly realized they wouldn't get out in time. Getting an idea, she shoved it closed with her magic and covered herself and Facet in a barrier before jumping down the bread's gullet. Right as the bomb detonated.

Facet groaned. "You okay, Twilight?" Her answer was to pull him into a deep kiss, which he was happy to return.

Twilight sighed happily as she broke the kiss and hugged Facet. She had at least managed to kiss him. Looking at her watch, she closed her eyes as the final seconds ticked away. "Goodbye," she mumbled before it beeped. And nothing happened. "I'm not dead?"

The bread was torn open by Trixie. "We are not dying! We are going to live forever!" she declared as she helped them out of the beast with her telekinesis.

"I didn't say that! I just said we ain't dying!" Applejack called from across the room as she and the others started clean up.

Twilight smiled at Facet, who smiled back. "So... Second date?"

"Definitely," Facet said, pulling out his schedule to see where he could make time for his new marefriend.

Meet the Soldier

Ponies ran in terror from the psychopathic pony who was attacking everypony with a flamethrower. The faceless pony let out a muffled cheer before a rocket blew him to pieces. A second rocket hit another pony who was sniping ponies, and a third hit a huge earth pony who had a big machine gun.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Spike paced back and forth in front of a line of ponies. “If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight!” he said as he pumped his clawed fist. “Commander Hurricane said that. And I think he knows a little bit more about fighting than you, pal,” he said as he looked at one pony in the line, poking that stallion’s helmet. “And that’s because he invented it. And then he perfected it so that no living pony could best him in the ring of honor!”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Spike let out a war cry as he charged into battle with his comrades behind him, blasting foes with his shotgun and rocket launcher in equal measure.

“Go, Spike! I’ve got you covered!” Twilight called from her roost as she picked off one of the enemy medics.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“And then he took his fight money and bought two of every non-pony on Earth. Then he herded them onto a boat, and then beat the crap out of every single one of ‘em!” Spike said, using the two grenades on his bandolier as props.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Spike would not be stopped. His tough dragon scales made using his rocket launcher to jump with its explosions to high places and not get killed by them. A group of enemies who made the mistake of getting grouped together got blasted into bloody puddles before Spike landed. A stealthy spy who tried to stab him instead got a smack in the face from Spike’s tail. It was so strong it snapped his neck.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Spike laughed a bit. “And from that day forth, any time a lot of animals gather together in one place it’s called a zoo!” he said as he got close to the… decapitated heads of fallen foes. One of which fell from the post it had been placed on. Spike got down next to it and looked it right in the eye. “Unless it’s a farm!”

Meet the Heavy

“Twilight, why are we doing this?” Spike asked as he and Twilight waited for the guy they were interviewing.

“Because we’re not enough for this job,” Twilight said. “We need a team.”

“Fine,” Spike said as their potential teammate entered. He was a heavy built earth pony with a red coat and a yoke around his neck. He set a huge machine gun on the table between himself and Twilight and sat down.

“I’m your heavy weapons guy,” he said. “My name is Big Macintosh. And this is my weapon,” he said as he looked his gun over. “She weighs 150 kilograms and fires 200 bit custom tooled bullets at a rate of 10,000 rounds per minute. It costs 400,000 bits to fire this gun for twelve seconds.”

“Big gun doesn’t make a big stallion,” Spike said as he prodded the gun a bit with his claw.

“Don’t touch my gun!” Big Mac snapped as he grabbed his gun and pointed it at Spike, only to find the barrel of Twilight’s sniper rifle in his face.

“This rifle fires my own self-made brand of 30 caliber bullets. High velocity. Armor piercing. They can take the head off a manticore at 2000 meters. Now what do you suppose would happen if you took one of them point blank?” Twilight asked in a highly conversational tone, despite the fact that she was threatening to blast Big Mac’s head off. “If you don’t want to find out, then don’t point your gun at Spike. Take your anger out on the enemies we’ll face on this job.”

“I’m hired?” Big Mac asked as he lowered his gun and sat back down.

“Your description of your gun is impressive, and you’re certainly quick on the draw despite its size. But first, we need to test you,” Twilight said as she put her rifle down.

“Alright. We test,” Big Mac said.

“Follow me then,” Spike said, grabbing his rocket launcher and leading Big Mac into a special simulation chamber that Twilight had built.

“Alright, Big Macintosh. Let’s see what you can do,” Twilight said over the PA as a simulation began, placing the dragon and stallion in a battlefield facing diverse foes.

“Let’s go!” Big Mac yelled as he spun his gun up and started firing, covering Spike as the dragon charged into the fray with his rocket launcher, blowing enemies up with gusto while Big Mac pumped them full of lead while following Spike. “Cry some more! Run! Run! I’m coming for you!”

Twilight watched the simulation while drinking some tea and cleaning her kukri. During a lull in battle, she checked over her Jarate jars, making sure they were all in order.
.
Back in the simulation, Big Mac and Spike had reached the final area of the map and blasted the rest of their enemies.

“Test complete. Excellent work,” Twilight said as the simulation ended.

Spike led Big Mac out of the chamber and back to Twilight.

“So how did I do?” Big Mac asked as he sat back down.

“You’re hired,” Twilight said, holding out her hoof.

“Thanks,” Big Mac said as he shook Twilight’s hoof.