Giant Crustacean + Future Self = Annihilation (A.K.A. In Which Something Happens And Some Other Stuff Happens Resulting in More Stuff)
Written by: Vast Data
Cover art by: Aquapunkchick
Not to mention the text above this stuff.. That is also by: Vast Data
Cover art by: Aquapu... Oh. I said that already. Sorry.
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Chapter 1: Giant Crustacean + Future Self = Annihilation
Today had not been a good day. Not at all. Not for Twilight Sparkle, at least. For an entire day, she had been working on a schedule that should have been completed days ago. Unfortunately, Princess Celestia had some more work for her to do that she could apparently not do herself. But of course, there is always another problem around the corner. One of her friends would get involved with the mafia, or some other problem. It was always something.
Even the day itself seemed to be taunting Twilight.
It was a Friday. Everypony loves Fridays, and for one simple reason; nothing bad happens. Ever. The children had no more school for the remainder of the week, all the adults could take a break after the fifth back-breaking day of hauling useless crap. Everyone could take a breather or two. Well, except on Friday the 13th. It doesn't get any more abhorrent than that one day. But no, she had to stay inside her library and finish this piece of crap schedule.
She occasionally looked out the window, and right on cue, everyone began to hop around, having fun for no reason. The sun shone through the clouds, and even a rainbow randomly appeared. Well played, rainbow. There was a lot of work to do.
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"Maybe I can help Pinkie with the several cakes she's making this afternoon.. she needs some help. After all, she said she only wants me to 'put something in her bowl'..."
Twilight continued to work and groan throughout the entire ordeal, Why the narrator was torturing her so much, she had no idea. He was probably doing it because he had nothing else to do, and because he was a bad writer. But that wasn't the main problem right now. She had more important things to do.
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"Oh my gosh, I think I did it!" Twilight exclaimed, after several hours of hell. "If I can find a way to read The Art of Invisibility Spells, and Thornhoof's Brief History of Canterlot at the same time, that could leave me a half-hour scheduling window! Wait.. that would have to be on the same day when I get the new Black Sabbath album. That could be a problem."
As if the situation could get any worse, a bright light appeared directly behind her, illuminating the entire room in the ridiculously vivid brilliance. This immediately caught Twilight's attention; the light had nearly lit her entire schedule ablaze. Luckily, it only ruined a couple pages of her blood, sweat, and tears.
A figure then emerged from the light that was now fading, but then fell to the ground in an attempt to walk towards Twilight. In a short couple of seconds, the light had disappeared. Jeez, did Michael Bay write this?
It took less than a moment for Twilight to realize that the pony who came out of the brilliance (Not a closet) was none other than herself. But this Twilight was very different as well; she had an eye patch, a really bad hairstyle, a cut on her cheek, a damaged sneaking suit, and a bandage that was wrapped around the top of her head. If you didn't read that terrible sentence, then in short, her appearance was different.
It also seemed as if her ego was as big as the effort put into this story.
"Twilight, you've got to listen to me!" The different Twilight said, taking a step forward.
"Who are you? I mean, you're me, but I'm me too," regular Twilight stated, "How can there be two 'me's? It's not scientifically possible. You are not scientifically possible!" And with that, she began to poke her alternate self with her hoof in various places.
The different Twilight aggressively swatted the hoof away, and continued. "Twilight, please! I have a very important message for you from the future!"
This didn't surprise regular Twilight. She had seen this before, multiple times. But she decided to act amazed anyway;
"You're from the future?"
Future Twilight gave a brief nod, and then spoke once more. "That's right, now listen--"
Regular Twilight began to bombard her future self with unimportant questions, such as "Will tacos be invented?" and "Will Spike still be a virgin?"
The ridiculous amount of questions continued to be thrown at her, none of them being answered. Future Twilight felt rage slowly building up as more of them were asked, until finally, she exploded.
"OH FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE, WILL YOU--"
Twilight could do nothing but shrink back in fear as her future self screamed out swears, racial words, and political slurs. One minute later, she was still hollering at Twilight. At this moment, Twilight began to take a few steps back.
Her alter self still kept running her mouth.
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Finally, after fifteen minutes, Future Twilight stopped yelling and sat down on the ground, trying to catch her breath. Regular Twilight was absolutely amazed. Not only did her future self scream without even breathing, but some of the things she said were actually true, mostly the things about the economy.
"Okay," Future Twilight began, "Listen up. As I said, I need to tell you something very important--"
Suddenly, without any warning at all, the ground began to shake violently. All of Twilight's books fell from their shelves, and were scattered around the floor as a result. Twilight didn't really know what she was expecting. Something like this was obviously going to eventually happen.
Before Twilight could begin to complain about how she just arranged the several hundred books in alphabetical order, a hole was formed in the wall by an unknown source, just like in a cliched Japanese action film.
..Revealing a giant crab. Or a "colossal crustacean", if you will.
"OH CRAP! GET OUT OF H--"
Once again, future Twilight was cut off as the crab reached a claw down through the hole and lifted her up. Future Twilight, who was struggling and screaming.
As soon as the crab ran away with Future Twilight, our boring, regular Twilight just sat and watched with a gaping mouth as the crustacean proceeded to smash houses, trees, and larger buildings.
And then she began to connect the dots. Kinda like Connect Four. Y'know, the game. Published by Milton Bradley. The same company that created the Battleship board game that was adapted to film in 2012, AND WAS ONE OF THE WORST FILMS THE AUTHOR HAD EVER SEEN
SOMEBODY GET ME A WHISKEY
"If Future Twilight is killed," Twilight said mentally, "Then so will I in the future."
Really?
You will OBVIOUSLY die in the future.
Stupid horse.
After that moment of stupidity, she realized what she needed to do. She had to postpone her schedule, chase the crustacean, and save Future Twilight. Not that she really wanted to. At this moment, Twilight gave chase, leaping through the hole in the wall.
But halted at the sight.
Ponyville was almost completely destroyed at this point. Citizens were running wild through the streets, buildings were collapsing, and fires were engulfing nearly everything in sight. Very descriptive. 10/10.
A+
5 stars.
The giant crab wasn't too far away; only a few feet outside of town.
Could she stop it?
No, without a shadow of a doubt, but it's worth a try
However, the author realized that he was bored and decided to end the story, because he was bad at writing.
THIS IS THE END. TWILIGHT DID NOT LEARN THE MEANING OF LIFE.YOU IDIOT.I LAUGH AT YOU.IN YOUR FACE.
