Three Mares in a Boat

by ScooterFiction

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 2362

Twilight, Applejack, Rarity and a reluctant Spike take a jaunt up the rivers of Equestria

Twilight, Applejack, Rarity and Spike take a jaunt up the rivers of Equestria, hoping to escape the mundaneness of their lives, and the ailments they believe to be plaguing them.

A story based off the original novel, "Three Men in a Boat" by Jerome K. Jerome, a personal favourite book of mine. I hope to do it justice it this adaption.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-24 19:07:30 UTC

Chapter 1

There were four of us: myself, Rarity, Applejack and Spike. We were sat in the library, feeling particularly down trodden with our current lives and routines. It was safe to say we were all feeling pretty concerned, and had resovled to read the libraries medical journals in case there was a medical reason for our situation. Rarity was the first to speak up.

“Oh my word, according to this book, I have the exact symptoms for mud fever! A horrible disease by name alone! Applejack, be a dear and check my hooves, do they look thinner than usual? ”

“Heck, I dunno about that, but this here book says I've got a case of the sweet itches! Spike, does my mane look balder than usual?”

Spike regarded Applejacks request with a bemusement and mild apathy. “Ehh, I don't think so, but then I'm no doctor! Hold on, I’ll get a closer look!”

Spike began to climb up to Applejacks back and onto her head, pulling her mane tightly in order to check the roots. To my eyes, his claws were balding her more than the sweet itches would have, but I left him to his examination, as I retuned to my own book.

As I flicked the page, I began to read the details regarding an over active mind, and the ailments that may come as a result. I quickly found that I had all of the symptoms, and had probably been suffering an over active mind for years now. I worried for my safety, having suffered this ailment unknowingly for possibly years, wondering how long I had until permanent damage was dealt.

I slammed the book shut, and resolved to solve this issue with a week of pure relaxation, surely the only answer to solve the problem at hand.

I stood up, regarding my guests in the library. Spike was busy atop Applejacks head, continuing to part her mane, while Rarity stood in the light of the window, tilting her hooves to and fro, trying to inspect for thinning of her coat. I cleared my throat and spoke with the presence of Celestia herself.

“My friends, what we need is a week of rest and relaxation, a week away from the troubles of modern life, away from the plight of Ponyville and possible dilemmas! A week with the absence of the necessity for thought, a week to vegetate and to let the mind rest!”

Applejack shook her head from side to side, removing Spike with clout. “Well ah reckon that's a great idea Twilight! Ah could use a rest from the apple farm, we've been working ourselves ragged the last month! What d'ya reckon Rarity, ya'll in?”

Rarity lifted her head from her hooves and looked upon us with a plain expression, as though she had only just realised we were present.

“Oh absolutely, a week away from dress making, away from the demand of my clients, oh it would be positively divine! Where do you propose we go, Twilight? Ohhh! A week in the spa!?” Rarity squealed and closed her eyes in anticipation of the week ahead. “Oh, I can just imagine it, hoof manicures, full body scrubs, oh my, what a week we will have!”

I regarded Applejack, only to find her cringing at the prospect.

“Rarity, ah spend all day caked in mud! Ah don't fancy it as a week off, nah, I reckon we can find a much more pleasant answer to our problems!”

“Well, it's hardly my fault if you chose such a boorish career! Besides, this mud is divine, the finest mud in all of Equestria! Not the filthy mud you wallow in on your farm! Why, it's just divine!” Rarity said, her eyes fluttering in blissful imagination of the mud.

Applejack chuckled. “Rarity, where do y'all think that mud comes from? Apples are a seasonal fruit, how else d'ya think the apple farm makes our money? We sell the mud to the spa!”

Rarity opened her eyes wide, and stared ahead, unblinking. I couldn't help but laugh, as I recalled my time at the spa.

I had been dragged along by Rarity herself, under her insistence that it was the best relaxation treatment on offer for a busy pony such as myself. Before I could object, I was whisked off to a large vat of warm bubbling mud and wrapped in seaweed, then dunked in, like a chocolate coated apple.

It was pleasant enough for the first few moments, until the mud began to cake my mane and coat. It felt wholly pointless, resting in a vat of mud, time wasting only to become filthy. I was soon hoisted out an hour later and hosed down with luke warm water, just to feel the same as I had been when I got in, only significantly wetter than before. Rarity had smiled the entire time, citing how fresh and rejuvenated she felt afterwards, when all I felt was mud trapped under my hooves.

We left shortly after we had gotten a manicure, which I must admit was enjoyable, although the cost was not. I could have purchased a whole weeks worth of books for the treatment! The idea of having the same, but for a week quickly threw me, so I hastened to suggest an alternative.

“How about we take a boating trip? A week travelling along the rivers of Equestria, just the three of us and a boat, the open waters, clear skies at night. A constant change of scene would keep us entertained and stave off boredom. A pleasant enough trip to be had, by all accounts!”

Applejack seemed taken almost instantly. “Well alright twilight, Ah reckon this to be a great idea! Ah always wanted to travel by boat, and this oughta be a real hoot! I just wonder if old Rarity will want ta come?”

Rarity seemed conflicted at first glance, but soon a smile spread across her face.

“Hmm, why yes, A trip by boat should be pleasant enough! It will give me time to ponder my new dress designs, and to gain inspiration from the scenery! I'm on board, if you'll pardon the pun!”

“Excellent! Oh we'll have such a fun time! Spike, how about -” I looked to Spike, wondering if he would come, only to see his lust filled eyes gazing at Rarity. I decided it was a given. “Oh, right. Well then, we best prepare for our trip! I'll sort out the boat and begin packing. Lets meet back here tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn. Oh, this is going to be so much fun, a chance to study the flora and fauna of the water ways; why I've always wanted to do so in detail! Oh I can document it all, and study the species, and  gather specimens for further study when we return, and -”

I had already begun to levitate my jars and nets, when Rarity grabbed them from me. I looked at her, and quickly remembered.

“Oh, right. Heh. A week without work or intensive thinking. Well, I guess I can just look, and collect specimens another time, huh? I'll err, just pack my non work related things...”

“Right. Well, we'll see ya'll tomorrow then Twilight! Come on Rarity, we best get packing and preparing our supplies!”

I began to put my jars and nets back as Rarity and Applejack left, levitating out my largest suitcase instead.

“Spike, fetch me my encyclopaedias! They're bound to come in handy!”

Chapter 2

I awoke the next day at the crack of dawn in preparation of the day ahead. After a busy nights packing, I had decided to forgo bringing the encyclopaedias, with a large deal of convincing from Spike. Unbeknownst to him, I'm still bringing the pocket version. They will all be so glad I brought it when we're pondering why the river flows the way it does! I woke Spike with a nudge, only for him to grumble and return to his rest. I left him to it and decided to meet Rarity and Applejack out front, and to discuss our plans before leaving.

“Mornin' sugarcube! How y'all doing?” Applejack greeted me, trotting in with barely a full bag on her side.

Rarity however, was another story. With her she had bought a heavily laden saddlebag, that at first glance didn't seem too bad. Full, but nothing too extreme to be concerned with.

It was when her two neighbours came in, dragging several suitcases fit to bursting, I realised we had a problem. My best explanations seemed unwelcome.

“But why, I must bring my entire marine wardrobe! What if the water ways change colour as we travel, I can't be seen clashing colours! Why, I'd rather go naked than wear mismatched colours!”

“Err, Rarity We're always-” Applejack began, before being quickly interrupted.

“YES! YES, I KNOW!” Rarity said sharply, sinking her head down and sighing. “Fine, I'll just bring the one bag. But If it rains and my hat is the wrong colour, I'll be inconsolable!”

Rarity levitated a bag from one of her neighbours and quickly dismissed them, the pair looking positively star struck, but with a hint of lingering annoyance in their gaze. I stifled a chuckle and prepared some tea before we sat down to discuss the details of the trip.

“Well girls, I'm glad we've sorted out the luggage issue, given the boat isn't the largest. Now, onto the sleeping arrangements!” I said, before going into a large discussion that doesn't really warrant full detailing.

Suffice to say, we talked in length about how we would sleep. Applejack suggesting camping on the riverbanks over night, but Rarity was quick to interject. She mention how it would be entirely unwholesome, on the basis that camping is fine in dry weather, but when it rained it would become unsavoury. Applejack argued for the case of camping, citing how wholesome it would be to rest under the stars on firm ground, good for our health and spirit.

While Applejack had a good point, I had to agree with Rarity.

On the few occasions I had camped out with Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, it had been entirely pleasant at first. A warm camp-fire, gentle talk and rousing discussions about Ponyville, it warmed your heart and stimulated the mind. We then retired into our shared tent and had a pleasant nights sleep, listening to the birds quietly singing lullabies to themselves as the dusk drew in and the stars came out in full force, little glimmers of hope and  wonder as the universe kept on growing. By the morning you'd awake to a beautiful warm sun rising and the gentle smell of dew upon the grass, readying you for the day like no coffee was able to do.

But then by the next night it rained dreadfully. We had to erect the tents in the pouring rain, causing a large argument over who was at fault for the thing falling down as our hooves grew cold and lost all feeling, the strings slipping out of our grasp. I had tried to use my magic to hold it in place, but it didn't help when the wind blew so mercilessly.

Then Rainbow Dash had the great idea to try and erect it by pulling on the centre rigging and flying straight up. Suffice to say the tent was quickly lodged within a tree, and refused to come free, despite our best efforts. All the while Pinkie was happily splashing in puddles while her tent lay in a heap on the ground, rain water encroaching into all nooks and crannies of the tent, making it entirely unwelcoming.

After a good struggle we finally got one tent up, so we all slogged in and agreed to share, our hooves and coats dripping wet and caked in mud. We slept restlessly, tossing and turning as best we could given the cramped space in the tent. As the night progressed, the tent slowly grew damper than the world outside and the rain pattered on the fabric, slowly seeping in as we accidentally nudged the sides.

Then, once we had finally managed to get off to sleep, Pinkie decided she needed to relive herself and darted out of the tent, leaving the flap open, allowing the wind and the rain to come driving in, as though they themselves were seeking refuge from the weather. By the next morning, we all awoke grumpy and sodden, our manes dripping wet, and a general malaise about us. We packed the tent up, wringing a good deal of water out of it, and headed home; somehow the return to our usual lives seemed all the more appealing.

“Rarity makes a good point, I think camping isn't the best idea” I chimed in, “no, I think we shall sleep in the boat itself for most nights. It has a wonderful design that allows you to erect a canvas tent over the top and keeps you far drier than a conventional tent would do. Not to mention the gentle ebbing of the river would easily sooth us into a rest filled night, and waking up refreshed and eager to continue on our way.”

Rarity looked at me and nodded happily. Applejack simply accepted the fact with reluctance.

“Fine. I'm still bringing a tent though, just in case!”

“Fine by me Applejack! Better to be prepared!” I replied, pouring myself another cup of tea. I resolved to bring another box of tea leaves with me, I simply couldn't do without on a boating trip. Tea would sooth our minds greatly for each morning and evening alike, a warming respite from a days hard rowing along the river.

It was then I realised I hadn't been entirely truthful in explaining how we were traversing the river. I glanced at Rarity, as she powdered her nose with make up, and examined her hooves again.

I pondered how to subtly drop the hint that we would be rowing the boat manually, as I levitated the 'Technical guide to rowing' off  my desk, hoping Rarity hadn't noticed. I'm sure she'll be fine with it once we're under way...