Captain Hook the Biker Gorilla Act I

by Wingless

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover, Dark
Length: 1840

For years a Canterlot based pharmaceutical company has been testing experimental chemical and shock treatments on the indigenous ape population in a far away land. Only too late will they realize what a mistake it was.

Pon Sys, a pharmaceutical company based out of Canterlot have been the leaders in modern non-magical medicine for the past 25 years. Of course no new drug can go on the market without thorough testing, so they decided on using an unintelligent ape species native to Kanem-Burro, the long time home of the zebras.

Nero Pathways has been Pon Sys's most intelligent and successful neurophysiologist, developing many cures for diseases thought incurable. Right now he is about to make his greatest discovery, while simultaneously making his greatest mistake when he tests his new vaccine for horn rot on a magically enhanced ape with a peculiar deformity.

(I'm sure you all know what this is based off of. First, a thanks to FiMFlamFilosophy for giving me so much to work with, even though he is only providing a name for the story. Second, a thanks to James Franco for being so cute. And third, and I hope this is obvious as well, this is also a crossover with Rise of the Planet of the Apes, thus the James Franco comment. At least it will be a crossover for Act I. After that it's going to… shift a bit.

I figured Zecora's homeland needed a name too, so I used an equestrianized version of Kanem-Bornu, an empire that lasted from the 9th to the beginning of the 20th centuries in what is now known as Chad and Nigeria in Central Africa)

(Finally, I tagged it Teen and gore for now, since I'm not too certain as to how extensively descriptive I will be when more adult themes arise. There will be dark stuff. There will be funny stuff. There will be stuff so dark it's funny. You have been warned.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-24 19:20:02 UTC

A Salty Dog (Prologue)

One shot is all that is needed to get a point across. Especially when that one shot is a twelve pound cannonball hurtling towards your airship. Normally when holes begin to appear in gas filled balloons the deck below can start to descend pretty quickly, and any thoughts of that happening can make anypony make sure it doesn't happen.

So when this single shot is fired and it nearly decapitates the captain of a royal merchant airship called the Parasprite, he didn't hesitate to ensure the lighter-than-air buoyancy of his vessel. This officer, one young unicorn named Captain Black Swan, turned and looked toward the thick batch of clouds from whence the round was fired from. And sure enough a moment later another airship emerged from it's misty hiding spot. Immediately he could see his ship was no match for the approaching vessel. So he did what any captain in his right mind would do: he ordered for the white flag of surrender to be flown.

As the offending ship glided along side his own, the Captain scanned it's length taking in all he could. The deck itself didn't look like any vessel he had seen before, crude and haphazard, as if it had seen many a battle. To him, it looked as though 20 different ships of different sized had been mashed together to make a deck just barely suitable to fly. Many holes had been cut along the starboard side to serve as gunports, out of which different sized cannons poked their muzzles. The only feature that had a semi-decent look to it was it's balloon, appearing neat and crisp and glinting in the afternoon sun.  But as he looked up to find the ship's colors, he found none.

And that means one thing and one thing only. "Pirates," Black Swan muttered to himself, disgust evident to anypony that could hear him.

The captain turned his attention back to the deck, trying to ascertain to identity of his attackers but found that nopony was on the deck. In fact it was completely empty of all life. No pony, zebra, griffon, or even mule lined the deck, ready to pounce and take control of his ship. The captain cleared his throat and stepped up to his speaking-trumpet and hollered into it.

"Hello!? This is Captain Black Swan of the Royal Equestrian Ship the Parasprite. Your actions are equal to treason and can or will be considered an act of war upon the Nation of Equestria. Can an officer come to the deck to parlay?"

Black Swan stepped back from his megaphone and looked toward the quarterdeck, hoping to see an officer of some sort exit from the quarter galleries. Instead after a minute of silent sweating and waiting, he received a gruff reply from somewhere on the deck. The voice was very rough, nearly a growl and it spoke with an odd accent.

"You, stop, now! All ponies, on deck now! Put weapons down! No fight!"

The Captain looked around at his sparse crew. 23 stallions and mares, and only two of them actually carrying weapons. He pointed his hoof at the two crew members, signaling them to do what was just demanded of them. Once the short swords were placed upon the deck, Swan turned back to his speaking-trumpet.

"We have done as you asked, now please send somepony over to parlay with me!"

Silence permeated the air, only the sounds of creaking wood and the occasional bird penetrated the quiet. Quite suddenly, all the birds roosting on the Parasprite's shrouds took flight, scattering every which way for what was no apparent reason. Swan looked all around him, confused by the sudden departure of his usual avian residents. He turned back towards the attacking ship, wiping sweat from his brow... Movement. Yes, he definitely saw movement. He looked towards the plopdeck and saw a dark shape moving. The two ships glided closer together and all the while this mass was getting bigger and bigger.

"Ohhh... that's too big to be a pony. Or a griffon for that matter!" the helmsmare's voice quivered as she spoke. Swan agreed internally, but he could never show weakness near his crew. He may have been a non-military officer, but he had a sense of pride and appearance in his work.

"C-Captain... what is that at the helm?" Swan's first officer stuttered out.

Swan pulled out his spyglass and quickly pointed it towards the shape. The rest of the crew around him stared at the approaching ship until the heard the rattling of metal and glass. They all turned toward the source to find their usually calm and stoic leader shaking in his boots.

Swans first mate, Cock Swain slowly inched closer to his trembling captain. "Sir? Sir, what is it? What is that thing?"

Swan lowered the spyglass from his face and let it drop to the deck, it's lens cracking as it hit the floor. He stumbled up to the bulwark and placed a shaking hoof on the railing. Without tearing his eyes from the shape, he spoke almost inaudibly...

"It's a monkey."

No sooner had those words left his lips, a face appeared in one of the gun ports. The entire crew turned their attention to the face and saw that it certainly was not equine. The ape face stared at the ponies for a moment before letting out an eardrum-shattering howl. That howl was joined with another, and another and even more still until the entire ship was one loud cacophony of screeches, howls and grunts, all emanating from the chimps, howler and spider monkeys, and orangutans that appeared from every port and hatch in the ship. All of them wielding some form of weapon, whether it be blade or cannon.

The crew of the Parasprite clamped their hooves over their ears, trying to block out the noise. Swan peaked though    squinting eyes, trying to find some order in the chaos. Through the raging hoard of primates, he spotted an even larger figure standing quietly in the back with what appeared to be a smug look on his face. What struck Swan as odd was that it stood on it's rear legs. This one ape, a gorilla, was the only one with any form of clothing or regalia, a small pony jacket torn and stretched around his torso. That must be their leader. Swan thought to himself, although he quickly retracted that thought. This has to be some kind of joke...

However that thought was soon put to rest, as the gorilla stepped forward and roared out, his yell drowning out all other sounds. When his roaring stopped, all the other monkeys became quiet and calm. The ponies took their hooves from their ears. Captain Swan straightened his jacket and pulled the speaking-trumpet from it's base. He cleared his throat before placing his mouth upon the trumpet once more.

"This is Captain Swan. This better not be some kind of joke! Is there any pony over there I can speak to?! We are only a food commodities trading vessel, what could you want from us?"

The gorilla's apparent look of smugness was dropped, replaced by one of contemplation. After another minute or two, he walked up to the makeshift railing of his ship. He looked along the length of the Parasprite before opening his mouth again. But instead of a grunt or howl as Swan expected, a broken form of Equish issued from his lips.

"No ponies! Only Ape! So hungry, travel long. We want FOOD!"

As the gorilla yelled the last word, the entire mass of primates jumped and swung on ropes over to the Parasprite screaming and swinging their blades at the unarmed ponies. The crew of the Royal airship screamed themselves, turned and ran towards the other side of the ship jumping off as they reached it. Swan moved to overlook the deck, hollering orders to the few ponies left.

"You! Grab that emergency balloon and grab the Earth and Unicorn ponies! You! Don't just stand there, fly away! All crew, abandon ship!"

Swan turned towards his helmsmare, only to watch her be struck down by a wall of saber-wielding apes. He backed up into the corner and shifted his gaze back and forth, looking for a way out. But as he looked towards the wall again, he saw it split and the talking gorilla step forward. Swan knew little about ape physiology, but he was pretty sure they used their forelimbs to walk, something this monkey had no need for. Swan looked at this ape's limbs and saw not a "hand" as he was sure some called it, but a large and rusty iron hook. The huge beast stopped directly in front of the captain and glared down at him.

The gorilla raised his limb, pointing a stubby digit at the pony. Swan closed his eyes, expecting the worst, only to feel the digit press against something on his own jacket. He opened one eye and looked down at what the gorilla prodded. It was a gold and silver medallion depicting the Royal Family, Celestia and Luna. Swan looked back up at the face before him only to see pain and anger on the creature's face.

He grunted out, "Same pony. You. Same pony."

The digit was pulled back and placed upon his own shredded jacket, directly on a battered and tarnished medallion of his own. The gorilla moved past the captain and looked over the railing to the ground below. Down there a bustling city went about it's business, yet unaware of what was transpiring above their heads.

"So many ponies."

The talking ape grabbed the pony by his jacket and lifted him up to his face. "So many bad ponies."

Captain Black Swan's eyes grew with fear as the gorilla placed a folded up note inside his pocket, before taking a blade from a nearby monkey and driving it in his chest. He only had time to cough out a grunt of pain, before he was thrown overboard. The pony tried to scream as he saw his ship disappear above the clouds, but it would be only the roaring of the wind and the sound of his lungs choking on his own blood that he heard before his inevitable demise.

Back aboard the Parasprite the leader of that ragtag band of apes turned back from watching the decent of the dying pony towards his own awaiting crew. He looked around at the anxious faces before him, throwing his hooked limb in the air in jubilation then spoke in his own tongue, a very guttural form of grunting and groaning:

"Go my people. Eat and be merry. For soon, Captain Hook and the crew of the Pony Roger shall take from these fools and subjugators a land of our own!"

The mass of primates screamed out and dashed to the storage hold. It had been a long journey across the sea, and they needed their fill for what was to come.