I can't believe that it's been over three years since the incident at the Wonderbolts derby. It's perfectly understandable that anypony would be deeply traumatized by an accident such as that. However, it's been haunting her for three years and she hasn't shown any signs of improvement. My constant attempts to get her to talk have been all but successful. I cannot say that this session will go any different. Despite these challenges, I know that I will make a breakthrough someday. Some ponies even had the nerve to tell me to give up on her. Give up on a patient? What the hell's wrong with them?! It's not like she's been diagnosed with a terminal disease that has no cure. I cannot give up. I will not give up!
I got up out of my chair and grabbed my clipboard off of my office door. On it, contained the medical records of a pegasus that had been admitted to the hospital as an at-risk patient with deep psychological trauma. I began scanning the document almost instinctively. There was no point in reading it, I had already memorized her condition by heart after being her primary doctor for all these years. I sighed, I wish I could do more to help her, but there's no way to do so without her cooperation. I've been in room fifteen so many times now, I'm able to go walk to and from my office without looking up. I knocked on the door to let Spitfire know that I was entering.
"Spitfire, it's me, Dr. Cross, I'm coming in." I opened the door without waiting for a reply. I knew that if I were to act only when she cooperates, I'd never enter the room. I saw Spitfire sitting up straight in her bed as usual. Her eyes were red and half open. The bags under her eyes stood out on her bright yellow coat. I figured that it was safe to assume that she went yet another night without sleep.
"Huh? Oh, it's you, Doc." Spitfire lazily turned her head towards my direction. Spitfire finally noticed me standing at the doorway. Did she not even hear me enter?
"No sleep again? Spitfire, how many days has it been now? I keep telling you that you need to rest." I sighed, it's just like making a child take cough medicine.
"And I keep telling you," Spitfire took on a more hostile tone, "how can I sleep with that pony's face permanently seared into my eyes?! I can't stop thinking about her. I just..." Spitfire paused. This is new, so far she hasn't made any attempt to communicate her feelings beyond what we could diagnose ourselves.
"You just...?" I inquired.
"I just wish that they'd understand that it's all my fault. I'm a terrible pony." Spitfire clenched her teeth, her breaths became ragged.
"Neither one of those are true, Spitfire." I said, trying to reassure her. This is heading south real fast. I need to convince her that we care and that nopony is placing blame, and I need to do it quickly. If things keep going this way, she'll become unresponsive again. Her mind is in a fragile state. It will break if I am not able to turn this around.
"Yes it is!" Spitfire snapped, "You wouldn't understand!" She was on the verge of tears.
"You're right. I wouldn't understand." I straightened my glasses, "I want to understand you and I want to help you. However, I, no, we, cannot move a step forward until you tell us what you feel. I'm asking you, please, help me help you." I did not put any thought into forming the sentences that just came out of my mouth. It almost felt generic, but it was as genuine as Spitfire needed somepony to help her.
Spitfire looked towards the window and then back to me. She hung her head and grumbled, "Fine, I guess I could tell you something, not that it'll matter though. Just like everything else that's happened for the last three years."
"Let me be the judge of that. Please, just say whatever is on your mind." This is it! This is the breakthrough we desperately needed. I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out an audio recorder and a small clip on microphone. I wanted to make sure that I got every syllable that came out of her mouth. "Spitfire, I'm just going to clip this onto your gown, before you begin. I reached over and securely fastened the clip onto the edge of her hospital gown. I checked the device to make sure it was functioning properly, which it was, and I motioned the yellow Pegasus to begin.
"Every time I close my eyes, I see her."
"Her?" I asked rhetorically.
Spitfire closed her eyes, "I see her disappointed face staring at me with tears in her eyes. I can hear her voice calling to me."
"What is she saying?" I asked softly. I found myself leaning forward in my chair, an inch farther and the chair would slide out from under me.
"I hear her saying, Spitfire, you were my idol, why did you betray me?" Spitfire's breathing became ragged and very fast, "I-I-I'm so s-sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
She's starting to panic! I need to calm her down!
"Spitfire! Take it easy! Open your eyes!"
Spitfire's eyes flew open and she scanned the room nervously as if she didn't know where she was. She instantly burst into tears.
"It's okay, Spitfire, it's best if you take this slowly." I instantly regretted my word choice.
"Slow?" Spitfire turned towards me and gave me a glare that sent my heart into a dark hole. "You're pointing out my flaws too, huh?"
"N-no! Spitfire, I didn't mean-"
Spitfire cut me off, "A few minutes ago, I thought I could trust you. Now, I see what you really are."
"Spitfire, listen to me. I just-"
"You just what? You just want to say that I should have been more careful? That I should have told her to slow down, even if only a little?"
As a doctor, I'm used to dealing with upset patients that are easily provoked, but I thought I finally gained her trust. She was finally about to open herself to me, and I betrayed her. How could I be so stupid! I've been in a doctor for thirteen years and I know better!
"I'm sorry..." It was unprofessional, but I didn't bother to stop the tears that began streaming down my face. I looked into Spitfire's eyes through the sadness and I could see that her world had been shattered. It was all my fault. I took the only hope that this once proud mare had, and took a hammer to it.
"I'll see you in hell, because that's where we're both heading." Spitfire turned her head towards the window. I couldn't think of anything to say to her. She clearly didnt want to talk to me anymore. I removed my glasses to wipe my eyes and left the room. I failed. I failed Spitfire and I failed myself. I've been trying to help her for three years with little to no progress. Now I've taken all that work and threw it into a fire. I started heading for my office, my mind filled to the brim with doubt. I sat down at my desk and opened a blank document on my computer and began typing my patient-physician relationship termination letter.
Date: XX/XX/XX
Patient name: Spitfire
Home location: Cloudsdale
Dear Spitfire,
As you know, a good relationship between a physician and his or her patient is essential for quality medical care. There are times when this relationship is no longer effective and the physician finds it necessary to ask the patient to select another physician.
This letter is to inform you that I am no longer willing to be your primary care physician. I believe that I have failed you and my duties to provide the care required for your condition. I have violated your trust and I am issuing a transfer to another physician, one that you can trust.
My office will continue to direct your care for any emergencies that arise over the next 30 days. However, it is imperative that you select another physician and arrange with our office for your records to be sent to your new physician before XX/XX/XX. You should go to your local emergency department for care needed if you have not selected a new provider after 30 days.
Please note that our relationship is terminated 30 days from the date of this letter. Sincerely,
Dr. Cross
