You're Never Too Old For Cartoons

“Glad you’re back from last week’s show! And with the channel’s high rating so far, we’re going to keep going strong! And who am I, you ask?”

“Well, you probably already know, but I’ll kill you and dump your bodies in a ditch if you tell the contestants! And no, I’m not Deion’s deadbeat dad.”

“But I can tell you I’m the producer, the director, an extremely famous and extravagant actor, and most importantly, the unpaid intern! And with my new show, that ‘unpaid’ part will soon be replaced with ‘stuffed full of cash and swimming in cheap hookers’!”

“Now, as you’ve probably already guessed, our idiots have gotten themselves into a bit of trouble now. Really, if I hadn’t teleport them, their stomachs would’ve probably melted from the inside out from the amount of hot sauce they were chucking down. They should be thankful.”

“Anyways, back to their situation at hand. I do believe we left off in a rather bad spot for our two idiots at the moment. Let’s go and see how they deal with it!”

A large, grassy plain stayed silent, nothing disturbing the tall grass other than the occasional breeze. The sky was a cloudless blue, and a field of beautiful sunflowers could be seen in the distance. A photo perfect image of a vacation spot in an idealized spot in Midwestern America perhaps. But not for long...

A portal opening from another dimension sprung up at the top of a hill. Dark swirls and bright flashes of light could be seen on the other side, but it quickly snapped shut. But not before spitting out a figure, just as the portal closed.

“Oh shit-burgers!” the figure yelled, falling down the hill in a painful roll before coming to a rest–or rather, crash, at the bottom. He was covered in grass stains and dirt, but on closer inspection the figure was discovered to be Dimitri as he got shakily back to his feet, brushing off some dirt from his clothes.

“God-fucking-damn, what the hell happened?” he asked himself, trying his best to stay steady on his feet without falling over.

“INCOMING!” another voice called. Before Dimitri had enough time to realize what was happening, another portal opened up directly to his right, causing a much smaller person to slam right into him.

Deion and Dimitri both simultaneously groaned. Somehow, Deion was uninjured, as he had used Dimitri’s large frame as a cushioning device. Dimitri, however, wasn’t doing too good.

“Shit, kid, get offa me!” Dimitri groaned, feeling his chest getting compressed by Deion’s body. If one of his ribs wasn’t broken then, it sure was now.

“Heh, my bad,” Deion apologized as he scooted off of the man, stretching up and cracking his knees and back. “Well... that was fun,” he laughed as he took in the sights of everything around him.

“For you maybe,” Dimitri growled tiredly, getting back to his feet and cracking his back with a pained expression on his face as he shook his head to clear his vision from the stars that appeared in it when Deion knocked  him over. Staring at the fields of grassland around them, he scratched his head and muttered, “Fucking hell, where did we end up? What kind ofdrugs were in that hot sauce?”

“The good kind! That’s for damn sure!” Deion grinned as he took off his Qdoba visor and stuffed it into his back pocket. He was actually very surprised that all of it happened to fit, but he didn’t question it. Having big pants equaled swag nowadays.

Dimitri frowned as he sighed in disappointment, since he was stuck with the most unserious companion he could have ended up with for this type of situation. “Listen, Deion, this is serious. We ain’t at the restaurant no more. We don’t even know where we are! You have any ideas?”

“Narni-” He stopped himself after remembering what Dimitri had just said. “Yeah, no...” He looked at the ground, his arms becoming limp as he let out a long sigh. “It’s really... pretty out here, though!”

“Yeah, fucking pretty. That isn’t gonna help us!” Dimitri said angrily, kicking at some dirt with his foot in a fit of rage. Letting out some air, he turned back to Deion and said, “Listen, sorry for snapping at you like that. We just need to keep cool heads and figure out what exactly happened to us. I remember that one weird-ass place we ended up in when we bit into the burritos. Could it have been a different dimension place or something like that?”

“Probably. Don’t know what else it could have been. It was talking alot about television, that voice. You remember?” Deion asked, as he tried to calm himself down now that he fully realized how screwed the two of them could be. He wasn’t doing a very good job at it.

“Yeah, that voice,” Dimitri agreed, nodding his head as he looked up at the sky. “Sounded like a creepy as fuck pedo to me. Could the sauce we just took contain some type of drug he put in there, so he could kidnap us and dump us out here?”

“Wow. That’s a little... rapey. But I’d assume so. I wonder why. Maybe he likes us?” Deion guessed, the corner of his mouth curling upwards a bit. He eagerly looked away, just in case Dimitri glared at him. “Anyways, what should we do now...?”

“Now would be a good time to call the cops to pick us up,” Dimitri said firmly, reaching into his pocket to grab his cell. But his hand just kept on going, until his entire arm fit down his right front pocket without poking out the other side, which promptly freaked Dimitri out as he withdrew his arm with a shout and threw whatever object he was holding on the ground. “What the fuck was that?”

Deion and Dimitri both looked down at the mysterious object that the eldest had just thrown down at the floor. It was fairly triangular with points on each side and two points in the middle. “Dude,” Deion started, “Did you just pull a batarang out of your pocket?”

“Did my pants just turn into the bat-belt?” Dimitri asked himself, picking up the batarang and glancing at it. “Says right here it’s the property of Batman. It could be real!”

“Dude. Give me your pants,” Deion said, as he blindly reached for Dimitri’s loins.

Dimitri reached out with a hand and held Deion back with a hand on his forehead nonchalantly because of his longer arm length. He continue to stare at the batarang, weighing it in his hand. “From the style and detail on it, it seems to come from Batman: The Animated Series.”

Deion finally tired himself out, and stopped trying to reach Dimitri’s endless pants. He rested his hands on his knees as he struggled to catch his breath, as he realized he really needed to start working out sometime soon. He panted harshly as he spoke, “Man, I don’t even want it anymore. Cartoon Network sucks.” After remembering their height, weight, and overall strength difference, Deion pedaled back. “Well, can I at least hold it?”

“Didn’t you just say CN sucks?” Dimitri reminded him, tossing the batarang in his hand a couple of times. Finally he gripped it hard and went into a throwing stance, one leg in the air with his body leaned backwards and his arm ready to spring out. “Besides, we gotta test it out first to be sure it’s the batarang for reals.”

He fell back on his raised foot and threw with all his might the batarang. The bat-shaped projectile flew outward like a bullet, quickly disappearing over a nearby hill. For a couple of seconds nothing was heard, so Dimitri shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, a real batarang would’ve returned by now. So we can call this one a dunce for sure.”

“Well, no need to have a bat attitude about it! Heh...” Deion said, reeling back a little bit and chuckling insanely at his terrible pun.

“Jesus Christ... it couldn’t have been a psycho-maniac-serial killer I would’ve ended up with? Nope, I have to slug around with the King of Terrible Puns and Haircuts,” Dimitri sighed to himself, facepalming.

“OW!” a voice over the hill yelped, as a painfully loud smack could be heard. Shading his eyes to try and catch a glance over the hill, Dimitri muttered, “Well shit, hit a pedestrian. But hey, at least we know we’re not out in the middle of nowhere after all.”

“Oh, goodie,” Deion sighed. Not entirely caring, and still eager to get his hands on the batarang, he sprinted off into the direction of which it was launched. “Come on, bro!” he shouted as he was almost forty-five feet away.

“Damnit kid, we don’t know who we hit! It could be a gang of bikers that will kick both our asses!” Dimitri yelled at Deion, trying his best to use his powerful legs to catch up with his faster companion.

“Who threw that at me?” shouted a clearly feminine voice, along with several out girlish screams of panic when the first voice yelled.

Dimitri was soon on Deion’s tail and jumped out to grab the back of his legs, causing the two to fall in the grass. Cursing while lifting himself up slightly to his knees, he held a finger to his lips and stared hard at Deion. “Listen kid, no playing around anymore than what we already did back there. We still don’t know where we are or who we’re dealing with. Keep your head low until we can get better info on who those people we just pissed off are.”

“Don’t worry. I have a rape whistle!” Deion said, before reaching into his pocket. “My mom makes me carry one in case of emergenc- hey...” Deion stopped as he felt his arms dig farther and farther into his own pockets.

“How exactly is a fucking whistle gonna help us when cops cacouldn be miles away? All that’ll be doing is calling even more rapists to go after us,” Dimitri said, facepalming in frustration as the voices from earlier seemed to be getting closer. “Shit, this could get ugly...”

Deion’s hands finally gripped around something extremely hard, and... wooden? With a grunt, he slowly lifted what appeared to be a large stick from his pocket which was about six feet long as Deion stared in awe. “Holy shit.” The middle of the staff was wrapped in what appeared to be a purple cloth.

Deion couldn’t stop giggling. “Heh. This isn’t the biggest stick I’ve kept in my pants...anyways, this looks alot like Donatello’s bo staff...”

“Save it for when you have an opportunity for a girl to slap ya’. We have bigger fish to fry,” Dimitri said, pointing to the voices. “Can you use that as well as Donatello? Cause we can use a frickin’ Ninja Turtle right about now.”

“But in all seriousness, I can. I self taught myself how to twirl staffs,” Deion explained as he slowly began to twirl the staff around his body, the stick slowly picking up speed as his movements began to increase. He faced it towards Dimitri, as if he was an enemy. “Come, my son. Now, we must DANCE,” he shouted as he struck a pose, the end of the staff two inches from his friend’s chest.

“Okay, we can officially add the title of King of Showing Off to your name now,” Dimitri sighed, digging into his own pockets to see what he had at hand.

“Just gimme a little bit. Soon my title will be King of Swag,” Deion said as he continued to twirl the stick. Oh yeah, he was so keeping this.

“Dear god, I’m dead,” Dimitri muttered, finally grabbing something in the endless space of his pants. “Still wondering how our pockets ended up being endless pocket-dimensions now. Like a frickin’ hammer space...”

Dimitri grunted as he pulled out a familiar sword, the weapon having a gold color with many scratches and cuts in the blade. Dimitri gripped the black handle that had a red gemstone encrusted in its pommel. “... Or a sword space, apparently,” he said in surprise, swinging the sword left and right. “Shit, it looks just like Finn’s sword from Adventure Time, too.”

Deion’s eyes widened with excitement, staring manically at his friend as he got into a fighting stance, holding his bo staff towards the enemy. “You!” Deion was not a racist, but his chinese accent was very lackluster. “I challenge you. To a duel to the death!”

“... Dude, you do know that the enemy, who might not be an enemy in the first place, is gonna be here at any second, right?” Dimitri asked with a frustrated sigh, just as the strange voices revealed themselves over the hill.

It was a group of... small, colorful horses. That was the best description Dimitri could come up with. Hell, some of them had frickin’ horns and wings on themselves. “Holy fuck, we really must be high.”

“Um... Twilight, what are those things?” Fluttershy asked her unicorn friend, pointing a hoof at the two strange, bipedal creatures wielding weapons at the bottom of the hill.

“I have no clue,” Twilight deadpanned, her vast knowledge of the races and species of the world useless at the moment as she was clearly mystified at what exactly those two creatures were.

“They sure are ugly...” Rainbow Dash commented, glaring at the pair with suspicion.

“ENGARDE, FOUL BEASTS! I WILL SLAY YOU AND BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD!” Deion screamed as he twirled his staff, running towards the potential threats.

“Goddamnit kid, hold your shit together!” Dimitri yelled, running after the stupid idiot before he screwed them over.

“Hey, we gon’ do somethin’ ‘bout those two lunatics running at us?” Applejack asked the others, staring with wonder as one creature came charging at them while the other ran after his friend.

“Well, it sure is taking them a long while to get up the hill,” Rarity observed, the unicorn shading her eyes to glance at the quickly approaching figures. “Anyone else feel this is more funny than dangerous at the moment?”

“Ooh, ooh, I am!” Pinkie Pie yelled cheerfully, clopping her front hooves together in glee as the bipedals were nearly upon them. “I think the one with the sword is going to win the race!”

“Wait, did somepony say sword?” Twilight asked, glaring at the two creatures now that they were closer. One was swinging a staff skillfully, while the other one with the sword tried desperately to grab onto the other.

Twilight slowly began to charge up a light that shone on the tip of her horn. “Girls, cover your eyes,” she said monotonously. As soon as she was sure that her friends couldn’t see, she covered her own before having her horn flash a bright white just a few feet from the two idiots.

The light exploded, casting a blinding, blank whiteness over the area like a snowstorm just dropped in. It only lasted for a few seconds, but at that time both Dimitri and Deion were rolling on the ground, each in huge amounts of pain, almost immediately blinded. For the next few following moments, the air was filled with various shouts and curses.

“Oh sweet baby Jesus, my eyes!” Dimitri screamed, abandoning his sword and crying tears of agony as he held his pain filled eyes.

“I can’t see! Fuck!” Deion cried, clinging at his apparently useless eyes now. Somehow, he managed to hang onto the staff.

“They burn! Like the pits of hell, they fucking burn!”

“My eyes. The fire! They’re burnin’ so hot, hot, hot!”

“I’m blinded! Blinded for life! Now kids will point and laugh at me in public, and I won’t even be able to see it!”

“I guess we’re really in Hell-en! Get it, because Helen Keller?” Deion laughed, managing somehow to find something funny in this situation.

“Dear God, why couldn’t I have been stricken deaf instead!” Dimitri groaned, the puns only making his pain worse.

“Deaf-inately!”

“Goddamnit!”

As the two creatures continued to bicker back and forth, the six ponies stared at them with a mix of downright puzzlement and pity. “Hey Twi, did ya’ really have to blind them like that?” Applejack asked, feeling slightly sorry for the two screaming figures.

“I used the weakest blinding spell I knew. Really, it was supposed to be like super bright flashlights going off in front of you. Nothing as bad as this,” Twilight explained, scratching her head at their behavior.

“So either they’re faking, or they’re wimps,” Rainbow Dash guessed, the others of her group nodding their heads in agreement.

“I’ll never be able to paint now!”

“Will the two friends ever find the answers they are looking for? Just where are they? What’s up with their pants? Will either of them ever man up? And will you all ever be bored with these annoying questions? Find out next week, on another episode of ‘whatever the hell this show is called’!”