You're Never Too Old For Cartoons

Hey there kids, we’re back with another episode! We last left our morons in quite a predicament. You know how getting your eyes blinded can be. Also, the fact they’re in an entirely different world with talking ponies as companions...

Anyways, we return back to the situation at hand. Both of them rolling on the ground, crying their eyes out.

“Oh sweet god, it still stings!” Dimitri cried, now shakily getting back to his feet, wiping at his eyes desperately.

Twilight simply rolled her eyes, saying, “Sheesh, you guys are the biggest over-dramatists I’ve ever seen.”

Deion finally managed to get to his feet, wobbling back and forth dangerously, his hands still covering his eyes as he blinked madly. “I take pride in that!”, he sobbed, holding himself up using his staff.

“Deion, do you know where my sword is?” Dimitri asked, blinking desperately to clear his vision so he could get a better look at his surroundings.

“I don’t know where anything is, man!” Deion uncovered his eyes, however, everything was insanely bright and blurry. Although, he did see a few colors in front of himself. He would not have been alarmed until he saw a rainbow like blur. He shouted before promptly throwing his staff at Rainbow Dash.

The cyan pegasus dodged to the left, the bo staff clattering to the ground next to her. Shaking her hoof at Deion, she shouted, “Hey bucko, what’s the big idea?”

“There we go!” Dimitri shouted, finally finding his sword on the ground next to his feet. Picking it up and grasping the hilt securely, he nearly fell to the ground when it was ripped from his grip by an aura of light surrounding it and dragging it towards the unicorn, whose horn was glowing the same color as the sword.

Twilight now had both their weapons in her telekinetic grip as she glared at them hard. “Listen, I don’t know who you guys are, or what you are exactly. But I already know one of you tried to attack my friend.” She gave Deion a dirty look after saying this. “And I got hit in the head by this thing,” she said, the batarang from before floating next to her. “Who threw it?”

“It was him!” Dimitri shouted, pointing to Deion. “Yep, definitely him. Ain’t gonna lie.”

“Oh! So always blame the black kid, huh?” Deion shouted, throwing his hands in the air. His eyes were now fully operational, and he was taking advantage of it. He gave Twilight a very serious glance. “I didn’t throw it. As you can tell, I have horrible accuracy...” Deion admitted, pointing to his staff of which he had just thrown not even a moment ago.

“Deion, I am shocked and hurt that you would accuse me of racism,” Dimitri said overdramatically, turning his back to the group. “Who are you gonna trust. Me, the responsible, tax paying adult, or the high schooler?”

“Hey. Fuck you,” Deion grumbled, low enough so that only his friend could hear him. “I’ll shove that bo staff so far up your ass you’ll be tasting wood for a week...if you don’t already...”

“Listen, I don’t even care who threw it anymore! Just stop bickering like foals!” Twilight shouted, frowning deeply as she facehoofed in frustration. Rainbow Dash actually chuckled a bit.

“Sheesh Twilight, you sound like their mom now,” the pegasus teased, nudging Applejack for her to agree.

“Twi has a good reason fer bein’ mad. These two have caused nothin’ but trouble since we’ve seen them. Who are you strangers anyhow?” the mare asked, tipping up her stenson to get a better look at the pair of tall bipedals.

“Well, my name is Deion. And that ass over there is Dimitri...” Deion said, pointing over to the older, but immature man to his left. “Who the hell are you?”

“Wait, so is Dimitri a donkey?” Pinkie Pie asked, holding a hoof to her chin in thought. Everyone, even the humans, collectively connected their appendages to their faces.

“Dear god... no, I’m not a frickin’ donkey. Deion and I here are humans. Like a monkey, but with less hair and bigger brains. Though in Deion’s case his brain is closer to monkies,’ Dimitri chuckled.

“Oh, so now you’re calling a black kid a “monkey” now, racist prick.”, Deion said, crossing his arms and staring at Dimitri vexingly.

“What the fucking hell? No! It was just a joke... ah, screw it,” Dimitri mumbled under his breath, scratching his head as he stared at the ponies. “So... you guys horses or something?”

“Ponies, to be exact,” Twilight answered, pointing collectively at her group of friends. “My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I’m a unicorn. My other friend Rarity is one too.”

Rarity, trying her best to be polite in front of a strange, new species, waved hesitantly at the humans. “Well, um, hello there. Nice to... meet you fine gentlemen.”

“And my friends Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are pegasi,” Twilight said, pointing to the rainbow and pink maned mares.

Rainbow Dash just gave Deion a glare and said, “Better not throw a staff or anything else at me again, or else.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Deion said grinning, lifting up a hand and giving her a coy wave. Rainbow Dash huffed and gave the human the stink eye.

“Try not to act like a sarcastic asshole,” Dimitri muttered in Deion’s ear, just as the yellow pegasus had her turn to introduce herself. Instead, Fluttershy just hid behind her mane and gave a hello that only someone with superpowered hearing could have detected.

“... Anyways, then there’s Pinkie Pie and Applejack. They’re both earth ponies,” Twilight introduced the last two ponies.

Applejack gave a tip of her hat, her face expressionless. “Don’t stir up too much trouble, ya hear?”

“Quivering in my shoes,” Dimitri mumbled under his breath. Out of nowhere, a loud and high pitched squeal eased it’s way through the silence as Pinkie Pie jumped into Dimitri’s unextended arms. As both of them tumbled briefly on the ground, Pinkie brought her mouth up to Dimitri’s ear.

“I love shoes! Though not many ponies wear shoes. I dunno why, since they’re so cool and comfortable and cover your hooves so well, but you don’t have hooves, do you? Unless you do, because that would be sweet!” the pink mare exclaimed in the human’s ear, nearly popping one of his ear drums.

“I like her already!” Deion chortled as he viewed the sight in front of him.

“Pinkie, we do not tackle strange alien creatures who can possibly be dangerous!” Twilight yelled at her friend, the others giggling in hysteria at Pinkie’s latest act.

“Get off!” Dimitri yelled, shoving Pinkie off himself.

“Yeah. He’s more into ‘stallions’ or ‘bucks’ or whatever you call them,” Deion laughed.

“Shut it, kid,” Dimitri mumbled, getting back to his feet and wiping off the new dirt he got on the back of his jeans because of Pinkie.

“Aww, but he’s so comfortable, Twi!”, Pinkie complained, pointing at Dimitri while giving Twilight her best puppy dog look.

Deion opened his mouth, but promptly closed it after realizing that this situation would never get anywhere unless someone actually did something important. “Uh... so... look, I know we just met. But we’re really hungry... and being in another world and hungry at the same time never really adds up well.”

“Wait, we’re stuck in another dimension filled with talking ponies and all you can think of is food?” Dimitri asked, shocked, quickly becoming annoyed when he realized who he was asking this to. “Unbelievable.”

“I’m a poor child, I work at Qdoba for God’s Sakes, I didn’t even get to eat my burrito, so I demand supplement!” Deion shouted, as he began to untuck his uniform. If you were listening closely, you would have noticed that his stomach was giving its best mating call.

“Listen, I’ll buy you a hundred burritos once we get back home! Just get your head in our current situation!”, Dimitri asked desperately, trying his best to keep his anger back.

“Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. Just in queso.” Unfortunately, no one seemed to be listening to Deion.

“Wait... did you two say another world?” Twilight asked the two, glancing at each one of them in wonder. “So you guys aren’t originally from Equestria?”

“Hell nah. I’m from Wisconsin. Home of the fat people, cows, football, more fat people, and cheese which results in fat people,” Deion replied proudly.

Dimitri rolled his eyes at Deion’s statement and said, “And I’m from Florida, just visiting his state for a family thing. Home of the drug addicts and dealers, prostitutes, spring breakers, NASCAR fans–”

Deion cut him off. “Lemme stop you right there and tell you that living there was your first mistake.” He lifted up a finger smugly. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie’s focus was nowhere to be found, as she was staring at a passing butterfly in childlike wonder. None of Twilight’s friends seemed to be very amused either.

“... Dude, I live in the South. Of course that’s a mistake. I’m surrounded by drunk, redneck idiots,” Dimitri replied sadly.

“Good. Now I can be the only idiot you’re surrounded by!” For some reason, Deion was insanely proud of that comment.

“Good for you,” Dimitri said darkly, returning his attention back to Twilight. “Anyways, we’re from Earth. Little blue planet out in the middle of nowhere called the Milky Way galaxy. Heard of it?”

“I’m afraid I have not,” Twilight answered, glancing back to her friends. “You’re currently in the country called Equestria, right outside the town Ponyville.”

“Hey Deion, finally found someone who has worst puns than you!” Dimitri laughed after hearing those names, caught off guard by the utter stupidity of naming a town like that.

“I take that as a challenge.”

“Not now!” Dimitri yelled, nudging Deion roughly with his elbow to not take up said challenge.

“Deion never backs down from a challenge...” Deion grumbled to himself. Somehow, no one had managed to hear him .”I’ll show them all...”

“... Anyways, how did you two end up here? I’ve never seen or even heard about humans before,” Twilight asked them, still somewhat fearful of the unknown creatures, though their utter immaturity made them much less threatening.

“We ate a burrito with a lot of spices. Then there was a ton of flashing colors followed by a seemingly endless void that bended both time and space. Next thing we know, we were thrown through a portal and ended up here,” Deion explained, shrugging slightly. He glanced at his bo staff, which was still suspended in midair. “Can... can I please have my baby back?” He whimpered.

Twilight, after alternating her view from the wooden stick and the kid, sighed after deeming that he wouldn’t be able to exactly do much with it at this point. With a small grunt, she hovered it back over to him. Deion responded to this by grabbing the staff and holding onto it for dear life like it was his new puppy or something.

“Yo, what about my sword and the batarang?” Dimitri asked, pointing to his other weapons Twilight was holding.

“No way. Worst he can do is whack someone over the head with the staff. You sword can stab someone, and the ‘batarang’ already gave me a nasty bruise on my head,” Twilight answered, floating Dimitri’s items slightly away so he got the message.

Suddenly, the batarang disappeared in a flash of light, some sparkly glitter in a silhouette of it floating to the ground. “NO!” Dimitri cried out, falling to the ground where the batarang glitter fell, grabbing the dirt and glitter desperately. “That was a real batarang! Every comic book nerd’s dream toy! Gone forever...”

Deion, noticing his cue, squatted next to the man as he rubbed his back comfortingly. “Don’t worry. At least we still have each other...” Deion proceeded to give Dimitri a crooked smile, which slowly turned into a grin, and back again. All while his eyes were wide open.

“But I can’t sell you online!” Dimitri cried, shaking his fist at the heavens for all this unfairness.

“Not legally.”

“Wow Twi, ya’ were right ‘bout these two bein’ overdramatic,” Applejack whispered to her friend.

Twilight nodded her head, quickly becoming annoyed by the humans’ childish antics. “Well, that still doesn’t exactly explain how you two came to Equestria of all places. Maybe something from the library can shed some light. Or Princess Celestia...”

“Twilight, can we really trust these two enough to bring them into Ponyville?” Rainbow Dash asked, tipping her head to the humans.

“Not really. But from what we’ve already seen of them, they aren’t that dangerous. Just really immature.” Twilight walked up to Dimitri still crying on the ground and Deion playfully comforting him, tapping her hoof on the ground. “Hey you two, mind coming into town with us? We may be able to help you there.”

“Eh, might as well. Not like we have anything better to do...” Deion replied for the both of them. He then proceeded to roughly nudge the sobbing man on the ground from his depressed state.

“Fine. Won’t make my dreams about being Batman one day feel any better,” Dimitri muttered sadly, getting to his feet and trudging along to the direction of town.

“I guess the joke’s on you!” Deion fist punched the air wildly in celebration of his newest joke. “Get it? Because the Joker?”

“Dude, you can tell your joke is bad when you actually have to explain it,” Dimitri replied, though he was grinning a bit. Deion managed to catch it before Dimitri hid it with a frown.

“Yeah. And you know your parents failed when their 21 year old son is still trying to become Batman.”

“We all have dreams. Mine just happens to be Batman,” Dimitri explained, shrugging his shoulders as the ponies led them into town and wisely spaced themselves out a few feet so they didn’t have to listen to the bickering humans.

Eventually they hit a path leading up to the small town. They really were only minutes away from the outskirts, and soon they reached the main road into town. Rainbow Dash still glared at the humans from time to time, Rarity was more interested in what they were wearing to really see them as a threat, Fluttershy was acting her usual self near strangers and was avoiding them as much as possible, while Applejack and Pinkie Pie were the only ones willing to keep close to the humans. Applejack because she wanted to keep a better eye on them in case they did something funny, and Pinkie Pie did it for much the same reason, if we don’t count that it was for a different type of funny. And of course, Twilight was leading all of them to the library, Dimitri’s sword still in her telekinetic grip.

“Uhm, why is everything so colorful here?”, Deion asked as he gazed upon the variously colored houses, most of them looking like they belonged in the Middle Ages. Thatched roofs with old timey designs everywhere. “It feels like I just entered candyland.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Don’t you dare make fun of our way of life,” she grumbled. “We’re definitely not making fun of yours. Be considerate.”

“But you know nothing about us,” Dimitri pointed out, just as a walking pair of ponies stared at the group. They quickly went shrieking in terror, screaming at the top of their lungs when they spotted the humans. “Um... what was that?”

“Damn, I haven’t been treated this badly since that one time I went to a civil war reenactment.” Deion said as he watched the ponies flee from them.

“Wait, so they’re racist towards us, huh? Dimitri said more to himself than anyone else. “Is this what minorities feel like all the time? Actually, we’re both the minority this time... Sweet!”

“Fun for you. Now you know what it feels like to be black,” Deion replied smugly.

“Well, I already love fried chicken and watermelon,” Dimitri joked, chuckling to himself. Deion proceeded to give a Dimitri a half lidded stare. He contemplated calling him a racist bastard, but since he already knew that, Deion simply ignored it.

“Why are you giving me that look?” Dimitri asked, noticing the weird way Deion was staring at him.

“Anypony have any idea what those two are talking about?” Applejack asked the others as she arched an eyebrow at the humans. The rest of the group just shook their heads.

Twilight sighed when they got to the center of town, many ponies staring at the humans fearfully while others just ran off. “Sorry guys... Ponyville doesn’t have the best track record with being open with strangers. We improved with a zebra named Zecora, but you two are... a bit more intimidating.”

“I know. Not everyone can handle this!”Deion shouted as he almost immediately started to flex his weak triceps as he walked. Instead of looking menacing, he accidently flexed too hard and farted a little.

Dimitri burst out laughing, holding onto his knees while he bent forward as tears entered his eyes from too much laughter. The mares just gave Deion a disgusted look, particularly Rarity, who seemed close to the edge of fainting from such a prude act. Wiping away a tear, Dimitri walked up to Deion and flexed his own bicep, his muscle causing his jacket arm to bulge at the seams. “Kid, now this is some real muscle. Hit the weights a bit. Do you even lift?”

“Hey. You may be stronger, but I’m smarter than you... somewhat,” Deion said, hoping that he would have at least that to hang onto. “Well, when I’m calm I guess. I got a little excited earlier.”

“Whatever excuse you can come up with then,” Dimitri replied, glancing around at more of the buildings and scenic walk through Ponyville. “Sheesh, this place feels like it was ripped out of the imagination of a six year old girl. Yo, Twinkie or whatever your name is, when are we gonna get to the library?”

“It’s Twilight, and we’re nearly there!” she shouted back, frustrated that he had  gotten her name wrong as at his impatience.

“Oh no, no, no, we can’t have that happening,” a voice said from far away, silent to the group and seeming to speak to someone else. “Ratings will go down to the dumps if we keep it sunny-fun like this. Hmm...”

“Ooh, I got it! Time for a bit of fun to be had!” The snap of fingers could be heard echoing through the town and alerting the group of ponies and humans. “Time for the first monster of the week to arrive!”

“Uhm...do you hear that?” Fluttershy whispered from the back of the group. Everybody stopped dead in the tracks as a few of the ponies’ ears twitched nervously.

“Huh? Fluttershy, I don’t hear anythi–” started Rainbow Dash, but her words quickly died in her mouth when she looked behind to see what the commotion was.

“Dear God... it can’t be Him,” Dimitri whispered, finally noticing the portal appearing right behind the group as a strange and sinister figure stepped forward.

“Him? What? Dimitri, you know what that thing is?” Deion asked as he stared in awe at the odd creature in front of him.

The best way to describe Him was if a crab mixed with a demon, having a tall and skinny body with lobster-like claws for hands. With a face even a mother would cry in terror at if she saw, he had a hooked nose, pointy ears, and curled black beard at the end of his chin. And to complete the already strange as hell getup was the fact he dressed like a drag queen. A lady's red jacket and skirt with pink tulle at the collar and hemline, a black leather belt belt with a bronze buckle, and black, thigh-high, spike-heeled boots that one would commonly see on a hooker.

“Yeah... I know, “Dimitri gulped nervously, really wishing right now he had his sword back. “It’s Him, one of the Powerpuff Girls’ greatest enemy. He is commonly known as being the devil himself. Which isn’t good for us about now.”

“Wait, what are you two talking about? And how did he arrive here?” Twilight asked, confused to a high degree with what exactly was going on.

“Hmm?”,Him murmured as he set his sights on the group of ponies, along with Deion and Dimitri. His voice almost seemed to echo as a high-pitched falsetto, as if he was in a large cave. It sent chills down Deion’s spine, who gripped his bo staff just a little bit tighter.

“This won’t end well,” Dimitri muttered under his breath, running over quickly to where Twilight was holding his sword and grabbing it, ripping it from her telekinetic hold when she wasn’t paying attention.

“H-hey, don’t do that!” the unicorn shouted.

“Too bad, so sad, I don’t really give a damn,” Dimitri smartly replied, holding the sword in a two hand grip and pointing it at Him. “I don’t want to go against this guy without a weapon.”

Deion, after seeing Dimitri take his stance, decided to get ready as well. He wasn’t going to just let another go into battle alone. He raised up his staff, his left hand gripping the bottom of the shaft while he wrapped his other hand around the purple cloth in the middle of the shaft. He pointed the end at Him, a slight grin on his face. He’d always wanted bust out some of those karate moves he’d seen in a few of those Jackie Chan movies.

“Oh goodie, some toys to play with,” Him chuckled, snapping his claws in joy. “This should be fun. Hope I don’t break you guys too soon.”

Deion gulped slightly. “You have any lovely ideas?”

“Yeah... yo, ponies!” Dimitri called to the group of mares. “Just stand back and let us handle this. Run if you have to. And Deion, check if you have anything in your pockets that can help us. We’re gonna need more than a staff and sword if we’re gonna take this guy on.”

After hesitating for a brief moment, he let his left hand part with the staff before reaching around in his pocket. He grunted curses to himself as he tried to reach for something, ANYTHING that he could find in the inner mechanisms of his jeans. About two seconds later, his fingertips touched something plastic.

“Ah-hah!” he exclaimed before grabbing it and yanking it out of his pockets. His gleeful smile slowly turned upside down as he realized what it was. In his hand was a small blue container with a white lid. There was a label on the front with absolutely no words, only a picture of a single bubble. “Really? Bubble soap?”

“Shit... Well, we’re screwed,” Dimitri deadpanned, looking down the end of his sword at his nearing doom. “Definitely didn’t expect to go out this way. Was expecting to go out in a drunken shenanigan type of way. Oh well, guess getting killed by a crab-devil drag queen in the land of talking ponies will have to do.”

“Looks like our morons are in quite the pickle now. What with their first monster being evil incarnate and all. Well, we’re cutting to commercial break at the moment, in which the most epic fight scene of your life will happen when we come back on! Get a change of pants and a beer for this one, folks!”

“Toodle-ooh!”