Ponies, Please

It just so happens I was right about the beefed up security, as the guards handed me my very own rifle yesterday. While I’ve never been too handy with these odd human devices, I know that the threat of these repeated terrorist attacks was enough to warrant them giving me some form of protection. Strange how Stalliongrad was the place where ponies first received weapons and training from those odd humans from before the borders were closed.

Things were heating up between the totalitarian regime of Stalliongrad and the rest of the outside world of Equestria, so more and more rebels were jumping into the folds. Though more often than not, it was smugglers or ponies involved it other illegal activities trying to strike it rich within the city walls.

Not that it mattered much to me, I was just an inspector, after all.

The line looked normal as usual, but one pony was out of place. Her rainbow-hued mane and cyan wings was enough to give it away, but I still doubted it was really the Rainbow Dash. Anypony could dye their mane and even coat with the right amount of bits and a good stylist. Stalliongrad didn’t trust those connected to the newly reformed Equestrian government, so having a member of their highest-ranking military unit trying to get in wouldn’t be good for either of us.

I got to my desk, and with more dread than usual, turned on my microphone. “Next!”

The pegasus mare got up to the window, sweat clearly on her forehead. Not saying a word, she handed me her passport, the document impeccably clean and without a creased line on a single page.

Shit. It’s really her. Her name printed clear as the day blue sky right there, in big bold words at that. Proper citizenry and everything. Hell, even if this was a fake, it made real passports seem fake in comparison.

“What is your business in Stalliongrad?” I normally didn’t have to ask this question, but it was more than a bit suspicious to see an Equestrian hero try to enter the city.

“I’m just paying a visit, an old friend of mine moved here a while back.” Bullshit. A while back was over six years ago, with now being the only time Stalliongrad opened its borders freely to immigrants. There’s no way she could just be visiting, she must be a spy or something… right? Not that it mattered much to me, I was already inching my hoof to the button to alert the guards. No way in hell I could let her get in and expect to get off without a warning that could lead to my death.

“Sorry, ma’am, but the border is closed for today,” I said, pressing the button for the guards multiple times.

“What?! My papers are perfect! You can’t do this!” She flared her nostrils, seemingly ready to attack me. I shut the gates and closed my shutters, while the guards surrounded the co-captain of the Wonderbolts in an instant. Realizing it wasn’t worth it, she hung her head low and was escorted back to her country, unharmed most likely. The guards weren’t stupid enough to wound one of Equestria’s greatest heroes and instigate a major conflict between our two countries. Though it seemed Rainbow Dash was stupid enough to tempt it.

Glad that little bit of celebrity intervention was over, I opened my window back up for the next in line, screaming for them to come over into my microphone. “Next!”

A skinny man came up to me, lacking his identification card. I turned him away before he even got the chance to call me an idiot. A few muttered curses could still be heard, but I was over that. I had a quota to fill. My wife had fallen ill earlier, and I feared my parents will as well. I needed to pay for heating soon if I didn’t want us all to die of the bitter cold.

As if my day wasn’t stressful enough, the man who came right after was none other than Jorji. At least he wasn’t wearing that stupid ‘disguise’ of his. Though, that oblivious smile, as always, was plastered on his bearded cheeks. I swear, his face was probably stuck like that permanently from grinning for so long.

“Hello, friend! You shaken up, is something the matter?”

I stifled a groan, willing myself not to snap at him. “Papers, please.”

For once, he actually had the correct looking papers. His height matched, his name was… Jorji Costava Huh? Heard weirder in my life. His weight looked fine, but I stopped reading when I got to his birthday. “Uh, sir?” I asked him. “Why is your birthdate August 8th, 2013? It’s only 1982. You would have me believe you’re some sort of time traveler?” Well, actually, time travel was possible with the right type of magic, but like hell a human knew how to do that.

“What? Counterfeit man must’ve made a mistake. I’ll see new one. Make better fake.” Wait, what?

“Counterfeit? Sir, you do realize that’s incredibly illegal in both Equestria and Stalliongrad, correct?”

He nodded, still grinning like an idiot. “Don’t worry. I bribe my way out. Everything fine.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but thought better of it. Calling the guards in here would just lead to more time being taken off, and less opportunity for me to make some bits and keep my family fed. So I just waved my hoof passively at him, saying, “Look, whatever, just don’t come back without proper papers, okay?” I stamped his passport red, and the strange man cheerily took his papers and left.

Of course, not before shouting over his shoulder, “Stalliongrad is still best country! For sure! Glory to Stalliongrad!”

I really hoped he wouldn’t come back, because I did not want to waste the energy to correct him. But I probably will. It irked me to high hell.

“Next!” I shouted into my microphone.