Author's Note

This one I'd imagine have a LOT of sensitive material, especially if you don't like Nazi's... But that's a run on joke with Jacob's character now. Not to mention Dairy Pillows, the big boobed Egyptian Princess.. It was only until now that I realized how sensitive a lot of our stories are, maybe not so much this one, but Episode 2 and 3 are, and trust me, they get worse!...

Episode 1: The Pyramid Predicament

Character Sheet:
Jacob
Jimmy
Twilight
Daring
Fluttershy
Dairy Pillows

We begin our story on an upcoming expedition into the depths of an ancient pyramid, which lies deep within the Everfree forest, to find the Golden Butter Knife of Humility. They group sit around Twilight’s kitchen table drinking pee -- I MEAN tea, when Jimmy strikes up a conversation.

“So…” says Jimmy, “How did you hear about this place?”

“Oh, I saw it on that sick new MTV show, ‘Pimp my Pyramid’.” Twilight wistfully replies.

”Well.. who do you think would be up to this dangerous task?” replied Jimmy, deep in thought.

“I’m really not looking forward to going in there,” Fluttershy said nervously, “It seems spooky…”

“Why are we bringing big baby bitch with us?” asked Daring Doo.

Twilight sternly replied, “Well she’s the only bitch who was dumb enough to walk around in the Everfree forest and NOT get lost.”

Jimmy glanced towards Fluttershy and asked, “So will you be able to provide the food, it’ll be a long trip.”

“Yea,” said Daring Doo giggling, “Her breast milk maybe.” Everyone looks at Daring Doo with puzzling and confusing looks. “What?!” she exclaimed, “She does it with Angel all the time…”

“Well that’s just because he’s my baby and it’s rude of you to ask me to do such an act!” exclaimed Fluttershy.

“He doesn’t even have to ask, you just shove him under you… it’s like you get off to it,” Daring said rolling her eyes.

Twilight stood up and exclaimed “Shut up you two cock suckers! we’ve got a more important task ahead of us, I can provide the food, but I don’t know how Jimmy will be able to carry anything, we don’t have any backpacks.”

“Ughh, please not you,” whined Jimmy, “You bring shitty food, like carrots and apples. We need chips and twinkies!”

“It’s not my fault we can’t all be fat shit heads like you Jimmy!” screamed Twilight.

After the longest 15 seconds of awkward silence passes, Daring asks, ‘So… when are we headed out?”

“Well we could leave now, but I gotta go grab some things from my house” replied Jimmy.

“But… i-it’s thundering outside,” quivered Fluttershy.

“I SAID WE GO TODAY YOU YELLOW BLOB OF TWAT!” shouted Jimmy in an uproar, sprinting out of the house.

After Jimmy got done crying like baby about when they leave, they left in looks for the Pyramid… in pouring rain and booming lightning. After about 2 hours of travelling they took shelter inside a nearby cave (much to the dismay of fluttershy). “Why are we stopping?!” Asked Daring angrily."

“Since Fluttershy won’t stop crying.” retorted Twilight. After some grumbling from the group, they set up camp and waited for the storm to pass.

Fluttershy, fighting her crying away, said “We wouldn’t have to come today if Jimmy wasn’t whining about it.”

Jimmy rolled his eyes and said, “Yea look who’s whining now bitch… ‘Ohh I’m scared of thunder and I’m secretly into beastiality.’ That’s what you sound like.”

Twilight looked over to him, chuckling and replied “Well someone’s butthurt.”

After the group is done fighting (over nothing), the storm dies down, and they resume their quest to the pyramid. Once they arrived at the Pyramid, the group started arming themselves both physically and mentally for the horrors they would face inside. “O-okay, so I led you all here.. N-now I’m going home.” stammered Fluttershy.

“Sure if you wanna get mauled by a bear with aid rabies or something on your way back go right ahead.” said Jimmy.

“Oh gosh, that COULD happen, well, um, I’ll go with you guys, but only if you PROMISE nothing bad will happen,” Fluttershy replied shaking.

“Nope! No promises, there could be a cave in, we could get lost, and have to eat each other to survive. But aside from that it could be fine, let’s go inside! WOOOOO!” Said Twilight who then bravely charged inside.

“Hey, wait up!” Yelled Jimmy while chasing after her.

“Hey, I’m gonna run in too and leave Fluttershy alone like everyone else!” shouted Daring, which she then did…

“Well.. I don’t have much a choice,” said Fluttershy as she then crept inside the massive Pyramid.

Once inside the pyramid, the group immediately noticed how horrible it smelled, but strangely all the torches had been lit, even though it was obvious that no one had been inside for centuries.

“Hey, get your own damn pyramids you faggots!” Screamed a voice deep within the depths.

“I’m not the only one who heard that, right?” muttered Twilight.

“Nope, I heard it too! Cause I’m the one who FUCKING SAID IT!” screamed the voice. The group stood near the entrance in a daze, not sure what to do.

“So… shouldn’t we like.. go investigate that or something?” inquired Jimmy.

“Yea, I’d fucking love some company, come on in!” said the voice.

After traversing through the pyramid for about half an hour with no problems, the group finally discovered the source of the voice. It was a dirty filth ridden man with a nazi uniform, blonde hair, and glasses, named Jacob.

“So, what brings you fat sacks of dicks to this part of the pyramid?” grunted the man.

“Greetingz, comrade, how’s the war going?” chuckled Jimmy.

“Well lemme think smartass, pretty bad since we lost and I had to hide out in this Pyramid, which I think has voodoo powers, since I’ve not seemed to age…” replied Jacob, “Speaking of which, is it safe to erm… come out now?”

Twilight interjected and said “We got to get the fucking Butter Knife of Humility before this whole thing collapses around us, and I don’t know about this faggot, but I want to get home to read my Fifty States of Gay (NERD).”

“Oh” said the Nazi, “You’re probably looking for that big spooky chest with tons of booby traps around it in the very depths of this place.”

“Well no time like the present… and heil hitler I guess,” Jimmy exclaimed, and he ran off, deeper into the depths of the pyramid with the rest of the group in tow.

“Fine, just get smothered to death by the boobs of the booby traps, I know where they are and how to evade them,” Jacob remarked. After winding about the 200th corner, they ran into a gargantuan open room, with what could only be described as a massive mummy in the center of it. “Uhoh, you’ve awoken the Egyptian Princess, Dairy Pillows!” shouted Jacob.

Jimmy pulled out his silver spoon, ready for a fight, but Twilight interjected and whispered “I got this” and summoned a Dicks and Dildos handbook, 6 character sheets, and a 5 pack of dice. Dairy Pillows groans in a zombie like groan, and pulls out her Character sheet which she had prepared a million years ago!

Jacob then asked, “Is there a class, ‘Nazi’ in this game?”

“Only in homebrew, but I’ve prepared for everything” Twilight responded as she handed out the character sheets. Jacob prepares writing down his own stats for his new character while the others choose there's; Jimmy a Silver Knight, Twilight a Mage (NERD), Daring Doo an Explorer, Fluttershy a Paladin, and Dairy Pillows an Enchantress. The start of the encounter was bad, Jimmy rolled 3 crits fails and confirmed all of them, knocking him down to one-thirds of his life. Twilight was doing pretty well until she stunned Fluttershy on accident. Daring Doo was fucking useless because she didn’t know shit about the game. Dairy Pillows was fucking shredding them.

All this time Jacob was frantically trying to complete his character sheet. Jacob rips up the paper in frustration, and yells “Scheiß drauf!”, and blows the princess away with a MP40. “That’s how we do Scheiße in Germany! Hahah!” Shouts Jacob. While the group looked at him in shock, Fluttershy noticed that a light was beginning to shine from above their heads. After a few minutes of bickering, everyone noticed it as well, it was a chest being levitated downward. “Oh… so wait what was the chest down stai- ah fuck it nevermind.” says Jacob.

Once the chest lowered enough to be reached, Twilight did a quick lock picking spell and the chest flew open, revealing the Butter Knife of Humility inside. “Holy fuck it’s actually real” exclaimed Jimmy. “Wait… you DIDN’T think it was real?” said Twilight, “I didn’t lug our asses out here for nothing, I did this for your stupid fucking silverware collection and you didn’t even FUCKING BELIEVE ME?! ALL YOU DID WAS MOPE AND WHINE AND MADE US LEAVE IN THE POURING RAIN!” The arguing then goes on for another hour, Twilight’s loud voice rocking the Pyramid, causing a cave in.

“Your big fucking mouth caused a cave in!” exclaimed Jacob, “Everyone out!”

The group raced towards the entrance, jumping over collapsed rubble and diving under cave-ins. and right after they dove out of the entrance to the pyramid the damn thing collapsed behind them, shooting out a massive cloud of dust. And the expeditioners returned to their hometown and Jacob crashed on Twilights couch, promising it’s ‘just until he gets back on his feet’. And the lived happily forever after…. Until our next story.